Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Since I often write about saving your marriage, I’m sometimes approached by people who want help fixing or escaping their “unhappy marriage.” Most of them don’t want to blow up their lives, but they also have to admit that they’re quite unhappy. Still, they cared enough to seek information that might help them avoid divorce or separation. That’s important, because it tells you they haven’t checked out of their marriages. If they knew in their hearts that their marriage was really and truly over, they wouldn’t be seeking out information on how to potentially change things.

So this article is for people who are honestly unhappy in their marriages but are looking for things to try before they begin considering a separation or divorce. Please try these things before you give up on your marriage.

Do You Really Know Why Your Marriage Is Unhappy?: It’s important to identify the main causes for your unhappiness so that you can determine how to fix them. You can do this by getting a piece of paper and writing whatever reasons come to your mind. They can be completely serious or totally petty. It doesn’t matter. List everything that comes up, and leave nothing off-limits. Write until your fingers cramp.

Many people see a pattern when they look at their list. No matter who you are or what situation you are in, your list will often paint a picture of a person who doesn’t feel seen, appreciated, understood, or loved. People describe this in various ways with phrases like, “We only go through the motions in our marriage,” or “My husband doesn’t understand the real me,” but all of these phases equal the same thing – you feel like you don’t matter as much as you used to with your spouse. And that hurts. 

I know that this is going to sound crazy, but this list will often give you good news. Typically once you know what you are up against, you can begin to fix it. And frankly, most things on this list ARE fixable. (And some are not related to the marriage, but still need to be addressed to restore your normal level of happiness.) 

Fixing Your Marriage Starts With Controlling The Only Person You Can, You:  I’m willing to bet that your list detailed the many places where your spouse has been falling short. This is human nature and nearly everyone identifies their spouse as the main culprit. It’s perfectly okay.  

But here is what is not okay: thinking that to fix your marriage, your only option is to fix your spouse. Many people think their job is showing their spouse where he’s wrong or lacking, and then thinking that he is just going to be immediately receptive to this.

Although this is a reasonable and understandable assumption, ask yourself how you’d feel if your spouse came to you with a long list of all of your shortcomings. Would you be happy to read it? Would you fall over yourself to make sweeping changes? Probably not.

Embrace Self-Change To Get Him To Change: There is one thing that you must not only understand but embrace – the only person in this equation over which you have complete control and the ability to change is yourself. 

So, instead of trying to change your spouse before he is even on board, you want to start by changing your own behaviors. If you can showcase positive behaviors and loving actions, he may eventually mirror what you are doing. Or he may see that because real change is possible, it now makes sense for him to implement his own changes. 

Here is what that looks like. If one of the things on your list is that your husband doesn’t show you much affection, then you will just start offering him the affection that you want. It will feel weird, but it will also dramatically improve the odds that you will get you what you want because he will eventually return the affection. 

If you think that your husband doesn’t appreciate you, start by appreciating him. Treat him exactly how you long to be treated. I know that you may think that I’m asking you to do all the work. And I suppose that this is technically true. But I’m also suggesting a strategy with a much higher success rate. 

By giving your husband what you want, you’re showing him that you’re serious about change, which you’re going to prove is entirely possible. And you’re much more likely to get exactly what you give. That is how it works in a reciprocal relationship like marriage.  

If you can make your spouse feel understood, loved, respected, and appreciated, he’s much more likely to change many of the things that were on your list – the things that were making you unhappy.  

Be Deliberate In Replacing The Bad With The Good:  I want you to add to your original list and layout all of the feelings you experienced when you first fell in love with your spouse. You’re likely to list things like “beautiful,” “valued,” “safe,” “understood,” etc. I want you to notice how the second list is likely nearly the opposite of the first list.

Why do you think this is? I can tell you my theory, and it’s true of myself and my own marriage and separation. When we first date our spouse, we are more than willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable and enthusiastic. 

We are more than willing to devote tons of free time to this new relationship. And we get what we give. Those positive feelings combined with lots of time and effort produce a happy and exciting relationship. 

You can’t literally make your relationship completely new again BUT you can devote more time to it. You can allow vulnerability within it so that it FEELS new. 

Yes, I know that you have more obligations today then you did then. But we can all make the time for the things that are truly important to us. 

But What If It Feels Too Late Or There’s Too Much Negativity?:  Sometimes I have people who respond that my suggestions make sense, but they fear that none of this will work because their situation is REALLY unhappy. They’ll tell me that they fight all of the time, or that their husband always seems so annoyed with them.

This can honestly be okay because it indicates that your husband still has strong feelings. He’s not yet completely indifferent so that there’s no response at all. Sometimes strong emotions mean that they still care. If they didn’t, you’d get no reaction at all.  

Of course, the process may need to be more gradual and slow, since you may have a little more work to do. But none of this is impossible, although you must always be very sincere in whatever behavior you use. Never make your spouse think that they are being played or manipulated. 

When I was in an unhappy marriage, I didn’t take any of these action, but unfortunately, my husband did – by initiating a separation, which didn’t make either of us any happier in our lives.  What did improve our happiness was improving our marriage.  It took some finesse to get him on board, but I was eventually able to do this and we reconciled.  You can that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: No matter how your separation is going, chances are you wish it would end tomorrow. Even separated wives who know that they are fortunate to have husbands who are in regular touch still miss their old lives. It’s no wonder that one of the top questions among separated wives is when things will begin to feel normal again? When will they feel comfortable with their spouse again? When will the awkwardness begin to wane?

A wife might say, “I know that I have it better than many separated wives. My separated husband does treat me with respect. We don’t communicate as much or as intimately as I might like, but we do regularly communicate. He does care about taking care of the house and the kids. Obviously, he isn’t just going to drop out of our lives. He tries to be considerate of my feelings. But, at the same time, we are very much living separate lives. He says that he is open to one day reconciling, but he certainly has done nothing to act upon this. In fact, he seems very content being on his own right now. I miss our previous life so much. No, things weren’t perfect by a long shot. But they were better than me being completely on my own. As much as I try to put on a happy face, things always feel off and so very different. Even when I talk to his family, I feel the awkwardness seeping into our conversation. When will things begin to feel normal for us? I hate always feeling like I’m living someone else’s life, or as if I have to walk on eggshells. I want this over as soon as possible.”

Boy, do I know that feeling. I remember feeling exactly this way during my own separation. And I really wish that I could tell you that this will all be over tomorrow. Needless to say, I can’t do that. I don’t know your situation, and everyone is different.

If I’m being honest, I have to disclose that things didn’t return to what I would consider normal as soon as I would have liked, either. And even when they did, we created a new, and better, normal. Your experience may be different. But even so, below I’ll list what I believe would have helped me to feel more “normal” earlier. And I want to stress that I eventually DID get a normal home life back. But my own behavior may have delayed the time line.

Embrace A Different, But Temporary, Normal: It’s very easy and understandable to focus on how your life is different right now. And let’s be honest, there are likely very few places where you feel that your life is better than it was before the separation. But in my experience, it could always be worse, although I couldn’t see it at the time.

It’s very important to focus on the blessings you still have, not only for your own well-being but also for the sake of your marriage. Your husband is likely aware of your discontent, but he may begin to distance himself or lessen his exposure if being with you makes him feel sad, guilty, or abnormal. It is human nature to want to back away from the things that make you feel bad about life or about yourself.

That is why your husband mustn’t begin to associate you with sadness and loss. Preventing this begins with establishing a new normal where everyone can feel mostly at ease. Please don’t misunderstand me and think that I’m encouraging you to settle for less or to accept this separation. I’m not. Your goal is still to reconcile as soon as feasible. But you’re also going to want to make the best of things as they are right now.

This will not only help you to cope, but it will mean that your husband has no reason to avoid you or to dread dealing with you.

Yes, it may feel weird around your husband’s family (or even him) right now. But that doesn’t mean that you should stop communicating. Yes, family life may feel altered, but that doesn’t mean that you should shut it down. Just because things look and feel different doesn’t mean that you don’t still have a marriage or a coupled life.

Yes, you’re trying to reestablish your footing, but you are still standing. Embrace that. Be grateful for that. Things may stabilize tomorrow or next week, but be grateful for the here and now just the same. Don’t create pressure where there needs to be ease instead.

Don’t Settle For The Same Old Status Quo: I am going to say something that might sound harsh, but I firmly believe that it is true in many cases. It was definitely true in mine. Very often, the spouse who didn’t want the separation would be very happy to resume married life without drastic changes – especially for the sake of brevity. Even though you are fully aware that your marriage had its issues, you’d be fine with those issues right now if you could just have your married life back as soon as possible. You want to live under one roof again, no matter what that might look like. I would have taken my husband back any way I could get him.

In contrast, the spouse who wanted the separation often has the opposite thought process. Although he may well want the marriage back, he often wants to see a certain level of change before he is comfortable committing to this. See where I’m going here?

You can get back to the normalcy of living together much more quickly if you help him to facilitate the change that he’s looking for. If you embrace a new and improved marriage rather than just wanting to reconcile at all costs, he is much more likely to enthusiastically work with you to make it happen sooner rather than later.

I wish I had understood this because it would have saved a great deal of time and frustration. I know that it may feel like making changes is delaying the process, but in reality, you are most likely speeding things along because you’re showing your husband that it is safe to trust that you are serious about creating a marriage where you are both happier.

And that’s when he’s going to want to come home and create a normal-feeling life with you – when he feels that his efforts are likely to actually work. And honestly, there is nothing wrong with this. It is to your benefit to have it work as well. My marriage is definitely better off because my husband insisted that it actually change.  You can read the story of our separation and eventual reconciliation at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who’ve actually gotten good news but are still quite discouraged. Their separated husband has admitted that he still cares for or even loves them. But the wives feel that it doesn’t matter because, despite all of this, the husband doesn’t want to be together. He’s claiming that he isn’t going to act on these feelings quite yet. So what does it matter if he still cares when it doesn’t change things? I’ll answer this question below.

A wife might say, “I don’t have specific things that I can complain about during this separation. Of course I miss my husband. Of course I’d give anything for things to be different. But I must admit that I see my husband all of the time. We still laugh and, most of the time, we still enjoy each other’s company. Last night my husband blurted out how much he misses me. I told him that I was glad that he missed me, but I told him that I’d prefer if he still had real feelings for me. His response was that he did. I was a bit shocked by this, so I demanded to know why we weren’t together. If he still loves me, and we’re getting along really well, why would he not want to be with me? His response was that it was complicated. And he abruptly insisted that we change the subject. Frankly, he was distant afterward. And now I’m left shaking my head in frustration and confusion. He presented the separation as something he needed to do to sort out his feelings. And now he’s telling me that his feelings are still there. What in the world could still be the problem then?”

Your husband is obviously the most qualified person to answer this question. But I’d be willing to bet that he’s not exactly coming forward with a straight answer. I have dialogued with couples in this situation, so I can share some insights and theories in the hopes that some of these suggestions may seem familiar and ring true.

It’s Not About His Feelings For You: I am not suggesting that your husband was being deceptive when he told you that he wanted to separate to sort out his feelings. But so often, the reasons behind a separation are complicated and multi-faceted. The issues that you were having may have made his feelings less clear. But that doesn’t mean that the issues have now disappeared or that he no longer has concerns about them.

I’ll tell you something that I’ve firmly come to believe. Most separated people will tell you that they still love their spouse. They admit this freely because it isn’t the love that is in question. There are exceptions, of course. Occasionally, I’ll dialogue with a spouse who is being told that they are no longer loved. But that’s a rarer occurrence than the couple who still love and respect one another but find themselves in a marriage that has changed.

If the feelings are clear and he’s still reluctant, then there are probably additional issues. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be extremely encouraged to know that he still has loving feelings for you. Because you have something to work with. You can build on this. Believe me, the wives with husbands claiming not to love them at all have a much steeper uphill battle.

No situation is impossible, but having a separated husband who admits he still cares is an advantage.

It’s Early In The Process And Improvement Isn’t Quite Enough For Him Just Yet: Many separated husbands move more slowly than we would like. But this doesn’t mean that they will never come around. Think about it for a second. Initiating a separation is a substantial life change. So, reversing course is not something that everyone is going to take likely. Your husband may be acknowledging progress, but this won’t always mean that he’s ready to return to normal married life. Most people are fully aware of how hard it would be to come back from a second separation. So most people want to make absolutely sure that you’re ready to reconcile because no one wants the reconciliation to fail. That doesn’t mean that a reconciliation isn’t in your future. But it may mean that he’s just not ready yet.

The Reason For The Separation Isn’t About You. It’s About Him: It is not unusual for people to reach a point in their life when they feel a bit disappointed in how things are turning out. Sometimes, this is due to their job, their accomplishments, their level of satisfaction, or even their mental or physical health. However, we can’t always pinpoint why, exactly, we are unhappy or dissatisfied. So we guess. Or we blame who is convenient – which are those people who are closest to us. Or we try to cut the things around us which we suspect may be to blame (like our marriage.)

Sometimes, our dissatisfaction has nothing to do with others. It has everything to do with ourselves. So we can make all these life changes and find that we are still unhappy since we haven’t addressed the true problem – ourselves. Your husband may intuitively know that his feelings for you aren’t the problem. But he may not yet realize how much of his discontent is personal.

How To Best Navigate This Contradiction: I know how tempting it is to want to pressure him to come home right now. After all, he still loves and cares for you. What is the problem? Why is he dragging his feet? He needs to get with the program right away and stop wasting all of this time!

Here’s the thing, though. Men who are reluctant to move forward don’t react well to pressure. They’ll often begin to distance themselves, so you’ll find that your easy rapport is now challenged. Or worse, he’ll start to actually doubt the feelings for you that he’s just confirmed. Simply put, my mistakes during my own separation taught me that pressuring your husband this way is not worth the risk.

Instead, I suggest that you stay the course, with some caveats. I know that this is frustrating and it’s hard to be patient. But you have a huge advantage. Your husband has admitted that he cares for you. So many wives can’t claim this.

Now you just have to build on these feelings and address the issues which are keeping him from moving forward. And sometimes, this happens naturally in time. Other times, you’ll need to consciously identify and then address what still separates you. But both of these things are doable. And they are much better than dealing with a separated husband who is claiming to not love you at all.

I am proof that patience can be as important as any other variable.  No one wanted to save my marriage more than myself.  But I had to learn that I couldn’t dictate the timeframe.  And I eventually did get my reconciliation, so any delay was worth it.  That entire story is at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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by: Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, chances are your marriage isn’t as stable as you’d like it to be. Or perhaps your spouse isn’t as happy as needs to be and has therefore hinted about a separation or divorce. Either way, you likely know that your marriage needs a serious shakeup.

I can’t possibly know the specifics of your situation. But what I do know is that it is possible to change, improve, or even save your marriage by yourself, especially initially. I know because I’ve done this myself. I also know that you basically need three things to be successful. 

I know that I run the risk of presenting these needs as too basic. But I want to stress that this process is anything but easy. That said, it CAN be relatively simple and straight forward. It is only the execution that can be a bit tricky. 

Three Seemingly Little Things With Huge Implications – Positivity, Eventual Commitment, And A Small Spark: The first thing you need to return your marriage to its original, happier state is to restore positive feelings between you and your spouse most of the time.  

When couples are thinking about separation or divorce, mutual positive feelings are generally no longer the norm. I’m not saying that you never share positive feelings, but it may be a rarer occurrence than it was six months ago. And it may be directed at your children more often than it is directed at your marriage. 

You need positive feelings because, without them, you can’t have the successful, repetitive interactions that are going to be necessary to save your marriage. When you have a cordial, easy rapport, you have a foundation on which you can build. When you can’t even be pleasant to one another, you can’t make progress until you can.

When you don’t have a positive back and forth, negativity can take a foothold and change the entire culture of your marriage. When negative feels overshadow positive ones over a period of time, people “fall out of love.” That’s why it’s so important to get the positivity back. 

Once you have it, you build upon it. Cordial can turn flirty which can turn romantic rather quickly. But you can’t get to romantic until you first have easy and pleasant. 

The second thing you need can only be accomplished after you’ve achieved the first. And it is a return to a commitment to each other and to the marriage. This is probably the most important step in saving your marriage. After all, if both parties put the marriage first, there isn’t much you can’t accomplish. And even if things don’t improve immediately, no one is going to rush to file for divorce, since you’re committed to making it work, despite any bumps in the road. Being mutually committed buys you time and avoids pain and uncertainty because you can both have confidence that neither of you are going to walk out the door, even when things aren’t perfect.   

Never Forget Or Underestimate The Power Of The Spark:  I understand that when your marriage is on shaky ground, you tend to focus on what is wrong with your partner and with your marriage. You tend to see the flaws rather than the strengths. Therefore, when I suggest that you do everything in your power to light a spark between yourself and your spouse, you may be tempted to dismiss me out of hand. Please don’t. Sometimes, a tiny little spark is what you need to turn the corner. 

Just for a second, think about the early days of your relationship. Did you fight differently than you do now? Did you navigate conflict completely differently? I don’t know you, but I’d bet that you did. Because people who are newly in love don’t want to spend their time arguing or focusing on what doesn’t matter. They’ll find a way to gloss over troublesome issues so they can get back to the good stuff.

Are you starting to see where a spark could be useful? I’d never suggest that you overlook your problems, but sometimes a spark means that you’ll no longer dwell on them and you can instead see what is still good between you. Sometimes, that is the difference. 

Understand What Is Likely Standing In Your Way: Let’s stay in the early days of your relationship. Think of where you put your time and effort. You likely counted your spouse’s happiness as one of your top priorities. You likely willingly adjusted your commitments to make time for the relationship. 

So how are things different today? Well, you definitely have more responsibilities, and you may therefore have less naivety and enthusiasm. And you no longer have the “newness” factor on your side. 

So how can you combat this? Well, you can consciously give your spouse, your marriage, and your time together more of your attention, even if you need to shift your schedule a bit. 

Don’t Overthink It When You Already Have The Blueprint” Believe it or not, you have an advantage here. You know what your husband responds to. You know what he first loved about you. You know how you acted and what you said to get the desired reaction out of him. You know what qualities you put on full display. How much of those qualities does he see today? Not enough? 

I hope I’ve shown you how important it is to present your best self to your spouse on a regular basis, especially right now. 

You don’t necessarily need to overanalyze this or pick your marriage apart so that all you see is the negative. Instead, you want to unite two people who were once very much in love and begin to re-generate those strong, positive feelings so that the rest can begin to fall into place. 

What if your partner isn’t receptive right now or isn’t talking to you or taking your calls? The process is the same, except that it takes longer and you’ll take smaller baby steps.

I had to use this gradual approach when I trying to save my marriage (and was the only one who wanted to). You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure what their relationship should be with their separated husband. On the one hand, they are thrilled to continue to be close, cordial, and friendly. On the other hand, they have well-meaning folks telling them that they’re too nice or too accessible. 

As an example, I might hear a comment like, “one of the biggest reasons that my husband and I are separated is that he is struggling emotionally. He has gone through a huge amount of trauma in the last few months, through no fault of his own. So he feels that it is best if he is on his own for a while. Obviously, I am very concerned about him. I call him regularly, just to check-in. I am more than happy to allow him to talk and vent for as long and as often as he needs to. I want to be there for him, just as I’d expect him to still be there for me. And until yesterday, I felt fine about this. But then one of my friends asked me why I was making myself so available to him, and why I was ‘always waiting for his call.’ I told her that I am always available for everyone I care about it, including friends like her. She responded that my husband is not my friend; he is my separated spouse, who initiated the separation. I see that she’s suggesting that I limit my availability so that my husband doesn’t take me for granted. But I am not sure that this is great advice. I feel like my husband needs all the support that he can get right now. I don’t feel like playing games when he needs me. I don’t have it in my heart to shut him out. Who is right? My friend, or me?” 

The Pros And Cons Of Being Friendly During Your Separation: Here is my opinion, and that is all that is. Plus, I’m not exactly objective. (I went through a separation where I didn’t always have friendly access to my husband.) That’s why my inclination is to think that it is beneficial to maintain a positive, supportive relationship during your separation, and hopefully after it. I can’t imagine anyone who still cares about their spouse denying their spouse support or communication. 

That said, I can see your friend’s line of thinking. Some people do use their separated spouse as a security blanket of sorts when they are fully aware that they have no intention of reconciling. So if you also have a romantic investment in communication, you’ll just want to be aware of this. 

A Friendly, Playful, And Supportive Relationship Can Always Lead To Something Else:  It can be tricky to toe the line between being your husband’s support system and the person who wants to live like a married couple again. You never want your husband to assume that you’re offering your support as a means to get him back. At the same time, you don’t want him to view you as only a friendly presence. That’s why it makes sense to build up to something more when it is natural and feels safe to do so. 

Having such easy access to your husband can certainly have its advantages. I’ve dialogued with many wives with husbands who mostly ignore attempts at communication. You don’t have that disadvantage. So as long as you can maintain this relationship, there may well be an opportunity for this support to eventually turn romantic when the time is right. (But you may have to be quite careful about this. If you push before he is ready, you can jeopardize the support.) 

When It Makes Sense To Allow Him To Set The Pace:  Because this balance is so delicate, I’d suggest allowing him to set the pace in terms of romance. I say this only because my own pushing seriously jeopardized my chances for reconciliation (and reversed my progress) more than once. 

That doesn’t mean that you can’t put out loving and flirty overtures and vibes if and when you feel that he is receptive. But it’s often a good idea to allow the actual moving forward to go at his pace. That way, you’re not pushy too much or too early. You still have the benefits without the risk. 

But to answer the original question, as long as your husband doesn’t think that your friendship is only “an in” to move on to reconciliation, and you don’t feel taken advantage of, I think being friendly and supportive is a positive. 

Conversations about your husband’s issues may eventually give way to other topics that you need to talk about anyway. Keeping the lines of communication open alleviates many of the common separation issues that crop up. 

Frankly, I would have jumped at the chance to be my husband’s friend during my own separation. There were definitely periods of time where he did not see me as a confidant. However, even after I rebuilt our rapport, I had to tread lightly to make the jump to a more romantic relationship.  You can read the rest of that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives whose husbands have been asking for “time to think.” Sometimes, the husband is content to continue to live in the same home while the wife backs off a little bit and gives him some time on his own. But other times, the husband feels that he either needs to leave for a couple of days or separate and live apart while he is taking his thinking time.

I heard from a wife who said: “about three weeks ago, my husband came home and told me that he was moving out for a little while because he “needs time to think.” I asked him why he couldn’t think at our home. I told him that I would leave him alone and give him his space. Apparently, my offer wasn’t good enough because he still says that he needs to move out. I don’t even know what he is trying to accomplish. I wonder if this separation is just a precursor to him filing for divorce. My mom says he might just need some time to clear his head so he can come back home focused and ready to move on toward saving our marriage, but I don’t buy it. What does it mean when a husband asks for time to think? Does it mean he wants a divorce or he is never coming back? Because if that’s the case, I’m not letting him out the door.”

Sometimes a husbands wanting time to think is a request for just that. He only wants time on his own to evaluate some things and he doesn’t find this possible when you are together. Other times, a request for time may encompass something else entirely. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Sometimes A Request For Time To Think Doesn’t Have Any Hidden Meaning: Occasionally, a man is being completely honest with you when he asks for a short amount of time away to think. Some men take off on their own and others meet up with good friends to blow off some steam. This often happens at a time in their life where they are at a cross roads and are evaluating how they want to live their life from today forward. Sometimes, things other than your marriage brought this on. Maybe things have become challenging at work. Maybe they are dealing with a personal crisis.

Or, perhaps, your marriage has been struggling. No matter what has happened though, he’s often asking you for some time to evaluate his life. This doesn’t have to be a negative thing for you. Sometimes, once he’s alone and has some perspective, he realizes that you are not the problem. In fact, sometimes he realizes that you are what is right with his life and that you are the one who makes his other problems bearable. Of course, not every husband comes to this conclusion. Some report back that they either need more time or they want to separate or divorce, which leads me to my next point.

When A Husband’s Asking For Time Away Means That He Might Want A Permanent Change In Plans: As you might suspect, some men will tell you that they only want time to think, when they know full well that they have no intentions of coming back any time soon. They are wondering if they want to remain married and sometimes, they are trying to get a taste of freedom to determine if perhaps that want the separation to be a more permanent solution.

Wives often wonder why these husbands aren’t honest and won’t just admit that they what they are asking for isn’t really a little time, they are asking to live separate lives for a while because they are seriously thinking about taking a break, splitting up, or asking for a separation or divorce. The reasons that they aren’t honest vary, but most often, they know that you are going to try to talk them out of it and they want the time to think without your trying to influence or change their decision.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Asks For Time To Think: The wife in this situation was considering challenging her husband’s request. She suspected that he wasn’t being completely honest and she was scared to let him leave because she feared that he would never come back.

These are valid and real concerns. That’s why I always advocate trying to convince him to take his time away without leaving your home. Now, when you approach him about this, you must remain positive and make this sound like an attractive compromise. He mustn’t think that you are trying to deny him what he wants or that you are trying to control his wishes.

If you think he might resist, offer to stay with friends so that he can see that you sincere in giving him his time. Be upbeat and positive. Don’t overreact and act as if you know that your marriage might be in real trouble or over because this just validates his suspicions. Set it up so that he will think of you favorably (and then miss you) while he is taking his thinking time. Because if you can successfully do this, you drastically increase your chances that once you return home, he will be ready to work with you on saving your marriage since his time to think has inspired him to realize that you are not the real problem in his life and that he wants to save and improve what his right – which is his marriage with you.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know how to handle my husband’s request for time to think and eventually this lead to our separation.  I was able to save our marriage, but not without a lot of wasted time and torment.  If it helps, you can read about how I finally got it together on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: One of the biggest concerns that separated wives have is communication. These wives know that it will be nearly impossible to reconcile without healing communication. But they are often dealing with a husband who is not as receptive as desired. The husbands typically don’t want to communicate as often as the wife wants, or in the manner that she prefers. Sometimes, after attempting communication, the wife gets the cold shoulder or is flat-out rebuffed. Understandably, this makes her reluctant to try again. She’s afraid that he’ll begin keeping her at arm’s length, so her attempts at communication may make things worse.

She might say, “I honestly didn’t consider that talking to or seeing my separated husband would be such a big deal when he told me that he was going to crash with other people for a while to take some time away from our marriage. My biggest concern was whether I could trust him, so of course I wanted to be in regular contact, just for reassurance. Well, he obviously doesn’t want that much contact because he’s been ignoring some of my texts, he doesn’t always pick up my calls, and when I do manage to get him on the phone, he ends the conversation as soon as possible and talks about nothing of importance. I gave up and went by where he was staying to see him and to have a face-to-face conversation. He got so frustrated with my trying to pull information out of him that he suggested I allow him to call me the next time. So I gave it a few days, and I haven’t heard from him. It’s obviously time to reach out again, but I have no idea how to do this safely so that he will be somewhat receptive to me. How do you reach out to a separated husband when he doesn’t seem all that happy to hear from you?”

Consider Where You’re Starting: How you reach out should be somewhat dictated by where you are starting. For example, if your husband seemed relatively happy to hear from you and had initiated contact on his own, then you wouldn’t need to be as careful about contact. But if he’s obviously been avoiding you (or is clearly not happy to hear from you when you reach out,) then you’ll likely need to take a more gradual approach.

In this case, the husband didn’t seem to be receptive to non-scheduled contact. This isn’t necessarily completely bad news. Because this type of reluctance is EXTREMELY common amongst husbands who have asked for space. When he believes that you’re trying to communicate too much, he’ll try to discourage you with his reactions. He may be afraid that you’re not going to give him the distance for which he’s asked.

To ease him from this stance, you’ll have to act more gradually and be more deliberate. When he is reluctant, it is helpful to allow him to initiate contact, if possible. If he doesn’t, then you have to be careful when you strategically initiate it, which leads me to my next point.

Try Clever, Light Communication That Allows For A Flexible Response: I know that short, light communication may seem like the last thing that you want. But you have to crawl before you can walk. And you have to walk before you can run. There may be times where you just have to accept what he is going to give you in order to maintain regular communication. And you may have to re-define what you consider communication. There were times when I just had to send a “thinking about you and hoping your day is going okay,” text with no expectations of a favorable response. There were also times when my husband would take his sweet time in responding, not respond at all, or give responses that left me disappointed.

This is admittedly frustrating, but sometimes, the key is to not make a bad situation worse. So many times, I would push when my separated husband was lukewarm. What do you think happened? I’d get even less communication than I would have had with a little patience. Yes, sitting and waiting with no response is frustrating and scary. But having a husband actively avoiding you because you pushed too much is even worse.

If the light text strategy isn’t working, you can always wait a bit and then try sending a funny, lighthearted card with a simple, “thinking about you.”

Or send a photo with an implied inside joke or message which you know will make him laugh or smile. It doesn’t need to be romantic in nature. In fact, sometimes, it’s best if it’s not.

He can answer this in any way that he wants. Try for messages that can be interpreted as sweet or as just casual, so that you stand less of a chance of overstepping or of him taking things the wrong way.

Sometimes, you just need to give this some time so that he gets the benefit of perspective.

Don’t Overstep When Things Start To Go Well: There is one bit of good news. You can only go up from here. Hopefully, as you try a lighter approach, he will eventually become a bit more receptive to you, and communication will increase in both quality and quantity. It always feels really good when he begins reaching out to you. And it’s tempting to feel like you want to pick up the pace. After all, you’ve had less communication than you’ve wanted for quite some time. So isn’t it time to make up for lost time?

This is a very common mistake, but it can be costly. When your husband finally lets down his guard, it’s often because he feels it’s safe to do so. But if you pounce the second that things get better, he can back away again. So continue with a light-hearted approach. If he wants to take it to the next level, he will let you know. (And it can be even more powerful if he is the one who initiates a faster pace.)

When you find a pace and strategy that is working and allows you to make progress, stay with it until your husband lets you know that he wants to move more quickly. I know that I am asking for a lot. I know that this all requires patience. But patience with the promise of progress is better than the alternative. At least when you move gradually, things will often get better. When you don’t, things can (and sometimes do) get worse.

I would never suggest that you don’t try to reach out to your separated husband. You should. Communication is vitally important. But sometimes, you have to be deliberate and patient. Learn to read his cues so that you go at the pace where he’s receptive. Because when he’s receptive, you can begin to move forward.

Go with the strategy that gives you a chance at progress – even it requires discipline and patience.

I know this is hard.  But I’m telling you this because my insistence on pushing specific communication on a non-receptive husband almost meant I had no chance to reconcile.  Luckily, I was able to back-track, but my mistakes cost me time and frustration.  You can read the story of how I turned things around at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives feel like they aren’t an equal partner in their marriage because they don’t have an equal say. Some feel that their husbands care more about his own feelings than theirs.

One of these wives might explain: “my husband is so self-centered. He only thinks about his own feelings and himself. He never things about my feelings or our children’s feelings. My husband is like a spoiled kid who never grew up. Every time he doesn’t like his job, he decides to uproot us and move. If one of his friends or family says they miss him, he just automatically invites them for a long stay without consulting me. If a buddy is between jobs, he thinks nothing of offering him some spare room that we don’t have. He never considers how our family might feel. It never occurs to him that we might be tired of moving or that we might want some more stability. It’s like his feelings are all that matter. He never does anything nice for me or compliments me.  When I ask him to consider my feelings, he says that I’m being petty or that I need to go with the flow. I’m so tired of this. I can’t live this way anymore. I’m so close to asking for a divorce. I love my husband and I want my family intact. But him not caring how I feel gets so old. What do I do?”

Regardless Of Why Your Husband Is Acting This Way, A Marriage Is An Equal Partnership. Everyone’s Feelings Count: Some men were raised in a generation where the man’s desires or feelings counted for about twice as much as the wife’s. And in this same era, women were considered to be overly emotional or too needy. I had no way of knowing if this wife’s husband was raised in such a generation, but that is one perspective.

Another possibility is that some people are raised to believe that they are the only ones who matter. Some parents coddle their son’s so much that those same men grow up to think that their opinions and feelings are the ones that count the most. And while your husband may not have had any control over his upbringing, he most certainly has control of his actions now.

It’s very important that you don’t sit silent and allow him to discount or belittle your feelings. You are not being petty or asking too much to want to have your feelings matter. You are expecting to have an equal voice in your marriage. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, your children are going to grow up with your marriage as the model for their own. No one wants for their daughter to think that her feelings don’t matter and no one wants for her son to think that his feelings are the only ones who do. So I’m completely backing you up here and I support your insisting that your feelings and needs matter just as much as his. You can not expect to have a healthy marriage if they don’t.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Doesn’t Seem To Value Or Care About Your Feelings. (Attack The Behavior And Not The Person:) I believe that the worst thing that you can do is to say or do nothing and hope that this just resolves itself. Also, many wives will try to guilt, shame, or coerce their spouse into doing better. The thing is, negative strategies often do not work. You do not want to use negative reinforcement to bring about positive change. To me, the best strategy is to be very direct and firm with your request and then to heap on the praise once your request is met.

So in real life, this is how that strategy would look. The next time the husband discounted the wife’s feelings, she might respond with something like: “we will need to discuss that. Two people make the decisions in a healthy marriage based on the feelings of both people. But you are the only one making the decisions based on your own feelings. I know that you wouldn’t deliberately hurt me, but when it seems that you don’t care about my feelings, it does hurt me very much. I need to have an equal say and I need to know that how I feel matters to you. I’m your wife. I know that you love me. But I need for your actions and your behaviors to reflect that love. And when you don’t consider my feelings, I’m just not feeling it.”

Notice that you haven’t made nasty accusations or insinuated that your husband is an awful, selfish person for not caring about how you feel. He may act in selfish ways sometimes, but there is a huge difference between acting in uncaring and self centered ways and being a self centered, nasty person. It is very important to understand this distinction. Because when you approach your husband and make it sound as if it is a personal attack, he is going to be defensive. But if you are objecting to the behavior and not the person, then it’s a whole different story.

The next step would be to catch your husband caring about or considering your feelings and then praise him to whoever will listen. Because in order to stop this behavior, his attention must be drawn to it, then he must make a conscious effort to stop it. And when he does, he should be given positive reinforcement so that he wants to continue doing it. People will act in ways that are beneficial to them. If he sees that caring about your feelings makes things better for him, then he will likely want to make that happen.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t speak up when problems began in my marriage.  I just hoped that things would improve, but they only got worse.  So it’s important to speak up as soon as you possibly can and to be very direct about what you want and need.  My husband and I did ultimately save our marriage, but because I didn’t speak up early, the process was more difficult.  If it helps, you can read about how we saved our marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There are many strategies that couples might try when it feels like they’re treading water with their marriage. Often, they will first sincerely try to work through their issues. Unfortunately, this can be a tricky and/or gradual process. So couples can become impatient or frustrated. That’s why it’s understandable that a “fresh start” can seem so attractive in this context. What if you could just wipe the slate clean and start again? Would it be possible? Would it be advisable?

Scenarios Where Someone Wants A Fresh Start: I see the “fresh start” concept come up in two common scenarios. The first is the couple who wants to avoid separating or continuing to live in an unhappy marriage. They want to start over in their marriage because they hope that doing so will erase the discontent that has contributed to the separation. The second scenario is the couple who has already separated. These folks are still hoping to reconcile and want to stay married eventually. However, although they may have attempted to heal their marriage, they’ve decided that they’d rather just “start fresh” instead.

Someone might say, “I feel like my husband and I are going round and round with your issues without making any real or lasting progress in our marriage. I’m afraid we’re going to end up divorced. We both mean well. We’re both trying, but there are issues that I just can’t forgive, and there are places where he just can’t settle. So last night, I proposed just starting over. I told my husband that I would wipe the slate completely clean if he would join me in doing so. He stopped me right away and told me that I was fooling myself and that what I wanted to do is impossible. He said that it is just wishful thinking to think that I can erase all of the damage to our marriage by wishing it away and declaring a do-over. I wasn’t suggesting any of that. I just wanted us to agree that we would start over so that we could put the negativity behind us. But I couldn’t get him to understand or accept this. Is he right? Is it impossible to start fresh when your marriage is in dire trouble?”

I’m not dodging the question, but my honest answer is both yes and no. I do think he is right that it’s not possible, or even advisable, to deny the problematic issues or the deteriorating dynamic between you. However, I completely agree with you that it’s a good idea to come at this with a fresh approach, especially when what you’ve tried hasn’t worked. I’ll explain exactly what I mean below.

Why The Clean Slate Is So Tempting, And Why It Can Fail: I completely understand why the “clean slate” is so appealing. The idea that you can brush all this awkwardness and these bad feelings aside and replace them with newer, better feelings is so tempting.

And this strategy may initially work, at least for a little while. It can feel like a relief when there’s a pause in the drama. And you may even convince yourself that it will stay this way. But it rarely does, and I’ll tell you why. If you give yourself that fresh start without figuring out where you got to this dark marital place, then the darkness is still going to be hiding in the shadows, biding its time, and waiting to come out again the second you let down your guard.

Yes, you may alleviate some of the stress for now. You may even have a honeymoon period that feels good. But at some time, and in some way, you’ll be under stress again. That’s unavoidable. That’s life. And if you haven’t figured out why you got here, or how to truly fix the path you’re on, then you’re going to wind up at the exact same destination that you started with.

You don’t want that. You want a different, and better, outcome, which is why there is a better way.

An Alternative To the “Fresh Start” Approach (That Is More Likely To Work:) I so often see the traditional “fresh start” strategy fail. So I’d like to offer an alternative. You aren’t going to brush any problems under the rug. You aren’t going to erase or deny them. However, you might delay coming back at them until you and your husband are in a better place. Why? Because when you and your spouse feel united and close, you’re more willing to cooperate and negotiate so that you can give something to get something. Even better, this strategy will still relieve some stress, and you will still turn your attention to the issues, but you’ll wait until the time is right.

Identify The Most Important Issue To Both Parties And Allow Each Person To Win: So what is the gist of this fresh, new strategy? You’re going to narrow down the biggest issue for each of you, and you’re going to think about solutions that allow both parties satisfaction and peace. Once you start to see some success with this method, you’re going to keep methodically doing this until you find that most of your issues are settled so that you are both satisfied and able to see reconciliation more clearly.

If you haven’t already, let go of the scenario where one party wins and gets what they want while the other has to settle. No one truly wins in this scenario. If your partner feels that he’s had to concede or tamp down his own wishes or desires, then I can guarantee that next time an issue comes up, your husband’s resentment will mean less cooperation. Ask yourself if you’re both “digging in” because neither of you has really gotten your needs met.

Ideally, any resolution should have you BOTH feeling like you’ve won something. That’s why it’s so important to understand which issues are most important. If you can give your partner some of what he most wants, he is likely to give you what you’ve been coveting all along. It’s a win/win.

Many problems have multiple facets. Perhaps you give up something that doesn’t matter all that much to get something that does. You can take this approach with any issue. And if you do it correctly, it leaves both of you with dignity and hope. But even better, you now have a strengthened, rather than weakened, relationship. And hopeful people are more willing to come to the table and work things out.

How To Begin: This may all sound promising, but if you are already in the basement with your spouse, it can be very challenging to reset because he’s not all that receptive to you. Unfortunately, you may have to be the one who sets the tone by making the first move. This isn’t always comfortable, but it’s very necessary.

Instead of suggesting that you just “start over” without making significant overtures or improvements, try something like this instead: “I know that I can’t just proclaim a “fresh start” and wish away all of our problems. But I would like to start over with our approach. I would like a reset as to how we’re handling this. I’d like for us both to think about what is most important and then to come at this in a spirit of negotiation and cooperation rather than competition and anger. I’m not denying or delaying our problems, but I am saying that our current approach isn’t working. And I want to reset. Can we do that?”

A “fresh start” in your approach is easier to achieve than one in your marriage or separation. It’s also much more realistic and likely to work. Believe me, I would have loved for my husband to take me up on a “fresh start.” But that was never going to happen. So I had to get creative. And this creativity was what ultimately turned things around. You can read that story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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