Leslie Cane Articles

by Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, I have to assume that one of two things have happened. Either your marriage does not feel as loving, committed, or secure as you would like it (and you feel your husband is distant or slipping away); or your husband has asked for a divorce, break, time apart, or separation. I can’t possibly know the specifics of your situation, but I do know that it’s possible to bring a husband back even if you are the only one interested. I know because I’ve done it. And although the severity of the situation and the people involved may be different, I believe the most effective method to bring back your husband is really the same. Sure, you may have to move more slowly and take more baby steps in some situations, but you can adjust as needed. This article will discuss the plan that worked for me and many others. I sincerely hope it works for you.

Understanding What Your Husband Really Wants To Bring Him Back To You: It’s very common to confuse the external issues or scramble a husband’s wants and needs once we’ve been married for a while. I know because I absolutely did this. The truth is, you probably are well aware of what it takes for your husband to be happy. Because you once made him so happy, in love, and committed that he married you. The qualities that you exhibited when you dated (as well as the actions you took then) were the formula that won your husband’s heart. So, this puts you at a great advantage. You already know exactly what you had to do (and need to do now) to make your husband happier.

Many people will counter me when I say this with something like, “Yes, but now we have kids and much more stress,” or “We’re not young and carefree anymore,” or “One of us made a huge mistake and we aren’t even speaking.”

I know that all of these things may be true, but the core of what your husband really wants has not changed because of these external things. If anything, your husband’s need for your affection and attention is probably even more great. I know that you are busy and I know it can seem unfair that it seems that you may be doing all the work, but bear with me. Because in the end, marriage is reciprocal and if you give your husband more of what he wants, then you will probably get a lot more of what you want as well.

Remember when you and your husband first fell in love? I’d be willing to bet that any issues are arguments ended quickly without any excess drama. Why? Because people in love generally don’t want to spoil it by allowing negative feelings to interfere. That’s why it’s important that you return to this place and reintroduce the two people who fell in love. How do you do this? You show your husband the best version of yourself, the one he first fell in love with.

Becoming The Best Version Of Yourself To Get Your Husband’s Attention (It’s Not Someone Else – It’s You!): I realize I’ve indicated that you should show your husband the qualities that drew him to you in the first place. Understand that I don’t mean you have to act or look like Paris Hilton. You should pay careful attention to your appearance, but I strongly believe that if you are honest and evaluate why your husband first fell in love with you, you’ll likely list qualities like: a sense of humor, an open heart, kind actions, a strong desire to pay attention to your partner’s happiness, etc. Once you can pinpoint the qualities that were most important to your husband, ask yourself how often he is seeing them now. If you can honestly say not enough, then you have work to do. 

However, use caution here. While I absolutely want you to display your best qualities regularly, I don’t want you to be a doormat, be too obvious about it, or try too hard. If your husband senses you’re not being honest or are doing something desperate or not genuine, he’s only going to block your efforts more and this behavior may make you appear unattractive or needy. So, what to do instead? Remember that your happiness leads to his happiness.

You Can’t Give Away What You Don’t Really Have: This may seem confusing, but hear me out. If you want to display a positive, attentive, interesting woman, you really don’t want to have to fake it and hold back your agony as you are doing this. You really want to genuinely be this happy person as she is the one who is going to attract what you want. So, how to get her back?

You have to do the things that make you happy. I’d be willing to bet that you’ve also been neglecting yourself and your own needs. So, you have to make a very deliberate effort to get out and do what makes you happy. See friends. Revisit hobbies. Do what you know is going to put a smile on your face. This may seem the opposite of what you are trying to do (as you feel that your husband, not you, needs your attention.) But I promise you that making yourself happy will bring you closer to your goal. Truthfully, you can’t radiate true happiness and openness to your husband if you aren’t genuinely feeling it. In your best-case scenario, you want the two of you to experience positive, loving feelings together. This isn’t possible if only one of you is getting their needs met. Take your own happiness into your own hands and I guarantee it will in turn give you more to give to your husband. And, I’m willing to bet that this new, fulfilled version of yourself will get the attention of your husband. This is ultimately what you want anyway. It’s really a win-win situation.

By: Leslie Cane: I once spoke to a wife who was beside herself about the state of her marriage.  It had been “falling apart” for quite some time and she and her husband had tried several things to improve the relationship. The husband was now at a point where he was wanting out. According to him, he did not see any other thing that they could do and it had become clear to him that it was now time to cut their losses and move on.

Of course, this is not what the wife wanted to hear. She strongly felt that somehow, some way, the marriage could be saved. Not only that, but, there was no doubt in her mind that their marriage was worth saving. After all, they were roughly the same people and they had a lot of very tangible things to be thankful for. In fact, most of the other things in their lives were going fine. It was just the marriage that was bringing everything down.

The problem was, she could not get her husband to see this point. No matter what she said, the husband resisted giving it more time to see if the marriage could be saved. She wanted my advice as to how to change his mind. So, in the following article, I will share with you what I told her.

Convincing A Husband That Your Marriage Is Worth Saving: Here is the catch-22 that so many of us do not see. Often, the more you try to “convince” and “talk him into” saving the marriage, the more resistant he’s going to be. This is because you’re trying to “get” or “make” him see things your way only implies that he’s wrong or faulty for seeing things his own way. This is often a situation where you have to show rather than tell him. 

In truth, you’ve likely been “telling him” for quite some time now with only minimal or disappointing results. So, it’s time to stop talking so much and to take more action. And, here’s another unfortunate truth. Your husband is likely at the point where he is not listening to you as much as he did in the past. This is because he’s seen firsthand the promises and attempts did not really come through. So, as a means to protect himself, he’s started to tune you out somewhat.

This does not mean that what you are saying is not totally the truth and 100% accurate, but that fact does not matter as much as his perception of it. It’s important that you understand this. It’s equally important that you don’t become so frustrated by the fact that he’s not listening that you begin to turn toward desperate attempts to get his attention via whatever means necessary. Many people will begin to take desperate and negative measures at this point. 

They will either take the nice and subservient route – begging, and following and offering up promises that already have not worked. Or, they will take the harder, less friendly route – they will offer ultimatums, and threats, or try to debate him to change his mind. Here is what both of these tactics often do. They will make you look less than desirable. They will push him away from you rather than pulling toward you.

Hopefully, by now, I’ve convinced you that the route you’ve been taking in the past deserves a break – since it didn’t work anyway. And, it makes sense to focus on creating a new, positive perception rather than the same old stale and negative one.

Changing Up What Has Not Been Working: I am going to suggest that you come at this from a new angle. This is often a way to get his attention in a positive way and a way to pause the same old course of things. I would also suggest that you don’t necessarily telegraph your plan. He likely already has in his head that he’s going to reject or resist whatever suggestions you come up with, so you may want to delay sharing this with him.

It’s perfectly fine to be clear on the fact that you love him and want to save the marriage. But, I suggest taking a break from the desperate stance that you are likely taking. I suggest alluding to the fact that you’re going to give all of this a break and focus on yourself and on creating a better vibe and give and take between the two of you. This is because the negative things that have been going on for so long are draining you and are not meshing with your goals. After all, your ultimate goal is that both of you are fulfilled, in a healthy place, and happy.

The way things have been going obviously runs counter to this. So, you’re going to work on remaining positive, taking a break from those things that create conflict, and moving forward in a positive way. Sure, you may ultimately split up, but at least you’ll do it on a positive note. (We both know that you don’t want to split up, and the plan is not to, but the stance is for his benefit.)

Now, you have to absolutely follow through. If you don’t, you’ve just set yourself back yet again and ensured that he’s going to listen to you even less. What you want to do is to attempt to have light-hearted encounters where you joke, laugh, and take all of the pressure off the both of you. If you do this well enough and for long enough, that pressure cooker that you’ve both been living in is going to start to release its grip. 

You’ll begin to see that you start to look forward to spending time together again. You already know what type of behavior and actions your husband best responds to. Now is the time to use that knowledge. Always keep it light and upbeat. Don’t fight an uphill battle. Go with the flow. You are not looking to talk out or work out your problems right now. You will do that later – when the relationship can withstand this. 

Right now, you are only looking to regain your footing and buy some time and some cooperation. You are much more likely to do this if he’s not cringing every time he sees you coming or sees that you have called. Sometimes if you hang on too tightly, you end up chasing off what you really want. You’re much better off loosening your grip and then discovering that he will come back quite willingly when you give him a payoff to do so.

There was a time when I thought my marriage was truly at its end. We had seemingly tried everything – from counseling to a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of people who tell me that their marriage is falling apart so that they are quite unhappy, and they aren’t sure if that same marriage is worth saving. Many of them believe in the theory that marriage should last forever, and they swore that they’d never give up on theirs. But, as they look around at how far things have fallen, they wonder if they might just be better off walking away.

I often hear comments like “I need to decide if my marriage is worth saving because I don’t want to continue living like this anymore. I either want to make things better or cut my losses because I don’t like all of this uncertainty and turmoil.” Or “Sometimes, I wonder if it would just be healthier for me to leave the marriage. We’ve tried many different things to improve our relationship and nothing really works. I’m not sure if we even love each other anymore. But, to be honest, I can’t bear the thought of divorcing my spouse, which is why I stay. But I can’t continue to live like this either.”

I also find that the longer that the marriage has been trouble, the more apt people are to leave it. People are often much more willing to roll up their sleeves and get to work if they are newly married than if they have been dealing with the same problematic issues for years. But, I feel that even the long-term marriages that are struggling can often be saved. And, I also honestly feel that people who have to ask if their marriage is worth saving usually truly do want to save it deep down. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be posing the question because they’d be confident in the answer. In the following article, I’ll go over some considerations and questions which I hope will help you to decide if your marriage is worth saving.

Ask Yourself Who Your Marriage Affects (And In What Ways:) Young people without children or families are often quicker to end their marriages than folks who are part of a family with children. This makes sense, of course, because ending the marriage is going to affect everyone who is associated with it. With that said, you’ll often be wise to ask yourself how the marriage is affecting those in question.

For example, people often stay married for the sake of their children. I commend this and frankly would be tempted to do the same. But, you might want to consider asking yourself how the marriage itself affects your children. There’s a big difference between a situation where the kids are in a volatile, abusive, or unhealthy environment and one where the two parents just don’t feel sparks or fireworks anymore.

Generally, my feeling has always been that children who are being abused or dangerously negatively affected by the marriage are often better off without it, whereas children with parents who just aren’t passionately “in love” often wish their parents could find a way to get their connection back.

Occasionally, I’ll speak with people who say things like “My mother adores my husband. I think she might disown me if I left the marriage.” In instances like these, you have to ask yourself how much your mother is really affected by your marriage. Your marriage really only affects the lives of those people directly living in or affected by your household. Take a look at those people and don’t worry so much about what others think.

Play The “Five Years Down The Road” Game: Rarely do people ask themselves if their marriage is worth saving when things are going well. It’s only when the going gets tough that you begin to hear questions about whether the marriage is worth saving. I once had a therapist suggest an exercise that I’ve found to be really effective.

She asked me to imagine myself propelled five years into the future when all of the problematic issues I was dealing with at that time were settled. She then asked me to imagine that I’d decided that the marriage wasn’t worth saving and had ended it. And, I’m out somewhere and I run into my husband with his new wife. We’re both happy and are both in a good place, but how do I feel when I see him with someone else? Am I happy for them and at peace, or do I feel a pang of “what ifs” and regret?

I did not even have to think about this exercise for very long. I knew immediately that I’d feel regret. I knew that the second I saw my husband being affectionate to someone else, it would be as if someone punched me in the gut because I would know that this was wrong (and not the way it was supposed to be) on many different levels.

Ask Yourself If You’re Indifferent Or At Peace With The Decision That Your Marriage Just Isn’t Worth Saving: Quite rarely, I hear from people who tell me that they’ve asked themselves the questions I’ve suggested and have determined that they really don’t care one way or another. In short, they don’t care if their spouse will end up with someone else. They’re basically at peace with their decision to move on and feel no emotions one way or the other.

They aren’t angry, sad, or confused. In fact, they are quite indifferent. It’s my experience that when people lose all emotion or investment in the process, they are pretty much done. On the other hand, people sometimes assume that if they are very angry or upset at or about their spouse and the marriage, this might mean that the marriage isn’t worth saving. I would disagree. Because they are obviously still feeling strong emotions that are tied up in their spouse. This means that they are still heavily invested which usually means the marriage can be saved.

Here’s another clue. People who are really indifferent would likely not be reading this article because they are at peace with their decision and know in their hearts that nothing is left. But since you are reading this article, there was likely enough doubt in your mind that you felt the need to research your options. This tells me that you’re not indifferent towards or done with your marriage, which indicates, at least to me, that you’re still invested so that the marriage might be worth saving.

By: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who was looking for solutions. Her husband had informed her that he had decided to “give up” on their marriage. He told her that he felt that there was nothing that either of them could do or say to save the marriage – and that it was better to just walk away and cut their losses before things deteriorated and got really ugly. 

The wife did not agree. She felt that with a little work and cooperation, the marriage could be saved. I agreed with her, as I feel that there are actually only a few types of marriages that can’t be rescued from the brink. Unfortunately, though, the tactics that she was using to change his mind were completely flawed. I seriously doubted that they were going to work. In fact, I suspected that they would’ve only made the situation worse. In the following article, I’ll share with you what we discussed about how to convince a husband not to give up on your marriage in a way that overcomes his resistance.

Watch The Terminology That You’re Using And The Picture That You Are Painting: So often, when we wives want to motivate our husbands to work with us to save the marriage, we use very unfortunate language that only inspires the exact opposite of what we want. We try to talk him into “fighting for our marriage,” or “working on our relationship.” Do these things sound pleasurable to you? “Fighting?” “Working?” This sounds like some undesirable thing that you may do at your job, but you don’t necessarily like it.

Then, when the husband doesn’t respond to these pleas as we wanted, we proclaim that he’s “given up.” Again, this has a very negative connotation. To save your marriage, he will eventually need to be on board and at least cooperate a little. You’re not as likely to get these things if you use language that implies he’s going to have to dig in, roll up his sleeves, clock in, and get on the assembly line.

So, what’s the better way? You want to imply that what you’re asking him to do is going to be pleasurable. But, there’s often a catch, right? Because he’s probably already begun to tune you out. He’s already decided that nothing is ever going to change. He’s already watched as you’ve tried different things that have failed and as you’ve talked until you’re exhausted and yet no real change ever comes. So, you can’t continue to just talk talk talk. You have to instead take action. And, you shouldn’t even tell him that you’re doing this. If you do, he’s just going to resist you that much more as he’s been tipped off.

Letting This Play Out Correctly: Remember that we’re going to let our actions talk for us. But, you’re going to have to set this up first. So, simply tell your husband that you’re sorry to hear that he’s given up. For your part, this saddens you, but you realize that you can’t control his thoughts or how he feels. Still, you’re troubled to lose the relationship – no matter what happens with the marriage. You want to retain a positive relationship so you’re just going to focus on making this process as painless as possible. You want to remain as positive as you can. The reason that you’re doing this is because you absolutely need to change his perception of you from negative to positive. You want him to see that being with you can be quite harmonious.

You may have to have patience for this to happen. He will likely resist at first. However, there will be times when you will need to be together and interact and you will have to make the absolute best of this situation every time that it occurs.

Reminding Him Of Who And What You Were: The woman in question felt that things were hopeless. She was sure that her husband didn’t love her anymore or didn’t find her attractive. She kept repeating “We don’t have anything in common. We’re more like roommates.” These things were likely true. But, I still believe we already know that the two of them could connect on a very positive level. They’d already done this. They were once deeply in love and seemed at that time to have very much in common.

But the circumstances were different then. They didn’t have the stressors of adult life. They weren’t trying to hold down two jobs raise kids or make their mortgage and car payments. Still, I believed that if they could put these burdens on the back burner and recreate the willingness to just focus on their positive feelings when they were falling in love, things would begin to lighten up.

Hopefully, as soon as you bring forth those qualities that he used to love about you, the tension begins to become less. He begins to become a little less resistant and a little more willing. Eventually, he begins to initiate the contact and begins to become more willing to believe that things can change. When he does, you must keep up what you’re doing. Don’t revert back to the negative, neglectful things that got you here in the first place. Always remember that if you can keep a steady stream of affection, appreciation, and attention, this will go a very long way toward keeping both you and your husband on board so that neither one of you wants to give up on the marriage.

by: Leslie Cane: If you’re asking yourself the question of how to get your husband back, then I have to assume that your husband has either physically or emotionally left the marriage, but you don’t want a divorce or separation. The good news is that by researching how to get him back, you’ve shown that you have the initiative to save the marriage. Contrary to what some people believe, I believe that sometimes, it’s absolutely possible to save a marriage when you’re the only one who wants to. I’ve done that myself.  Sure, you’ll need to have your husband on board eventually, but there are many repairs that you can do on your own.

Step One:  Don’t Panic: This seems so obvious, but I think that it’s the number one mistake that wives make.  Anytime the words “divorce,” “trial separation,” or “splitting up,” are muttered or hinted at, wives panic.  And when they panic, they go into overdrive and act in such a way that is not typical of them and can seem very unattractive to their husbands.

I understand why we do this because I did it too. Your thoughts are telling you that the longer your husband is gone, the harder it is going to be to win him back.  So, you feel like you have to do something drastic immediately to change his mind and get him home.  While this thinking seems to make sense, it will drive you to do desperate things that will really push your husband further away.  A wife who acts irrationally and panicked and who’s calling, texting, following, or arguing all of the time is going to be a wife that a husband wants to get away from that much more.  Don’t fall into this trap and panic.  It will hurt your chances of getting your husband back more than it helps them.

Step Two: Set The Stage For Getting The Feelings Back By Finding Something That You Can Agree On: The biggest thing preventing getting back together with your husband is often not what most people think.  Most people assume that external factors like another woman are keeping their husband away. Or sometimes, insurmountable problems, stress, or crisis situations are cited.

All of these things are typically a symptom of a problem marriage rather than the cause.  The real reason husbands often leave is that they’ve lost the feelings that the relationship used to elicit in them.  They no longer feel intimate and connected and either don’t know how to or don’t want to (at least right now) return these positive feelings.

To get your husband back, you need to get the feelings to return as quickly as you can (without taking drastic, unbecoming actions.)  Remember that you can’t get close to your husband if he’s always ducking you or isn’t receptive to you. You don’t want to be on opposite sides or be arguing with him or be confrontational.

Instead, you want to be on his side (or at least make him think that you are). You do this by agreeing with him. Of course, what you choose to agree upon will depend upon your situation.  You may agree that the marriage needs work, or that he needs a break, or you may just pretend to agree with what he states is the cause of “wanting out.”

Before you become too resistant to this to give it a try, remember that you are doing it as a way to ultimately get what you want.  Ask yourself if you’d rather be right all the time or if you’d rather be happy.  Don’t let your anger and holding on to injustices keep you from reaching your goal. Understand that pretending to agree with your husband will immediately lessen any anger, tension, or awkwardness and this will put you in a much better place to repair your marriage.

Step Three: Make Your Husband Want To Come Back To You By  Presenting The Best Version Of Yourself (The Woman He Fell In Love With): Once you’ve at least pretended to agree and your husband, and he becomes more receptive to you, then, every chance you get, you want to present him with the woman he first fell in love with.

Now, this can be tricky.  Because you don’t want to be that nagging, hanging-on wife that we discussed earlier. The one who follows him around or acts like she is trying too hard. Your husband can’t suspect or think that you’re playing insincere games or have some sinister plan to get him back.  If he does, he’ll just become more resistant and the process will be harder.

Instead, you want to demonstrate that although you love your husband and very much want him back, you also love yourself enough to live your life as the attractive, intriguing, interesting, busy, full-of-life woman he first fell in love with.  This means that you get out and see friends, you pursue old hobbies and the things that made you happy, and you work on yourself.  I promise this will bring your husband closer to you rather than further away.  He’s likely going to become intrigued and wonder what is up with this new you.

Please think about the woman your husband first fell in love with and honestly evaluate how far you are from her today and make adjustments. And, I’m not just talking about looks and youth.  In fact, that’s really the least important thing (although you should absolutely look your personal best when you interact with your husband).  What’s most important is that you’re able to return the positive, loving, and empathetic feelings that made your husband want to marry you in the first place. This will make getting him back so much easier.

The truth is, you’re probably closer to getting your husband back than you think. Why? Because you’ve already made him fall in love with you once.  Therefore, you intuitively know what you have to do to make your husband fall in love with you again.

So, get moving.  And reintroduce yourself, (so you can eventually reintroduce your husband) to your old, engaging, loving, captivating self. Because in the end, (if you play your cards right and implement these methods in a convincing way), she’s what’s going to bring your husband back to you.

by: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife about getting her husband to come back home after their separation. He had been staying with his brother for the last three months. The wife had been laying on the guilt and the pressure in an attempt to get him to come back to her, but so far, that hadn’t worked. The husband was barely taking her calls anymore and the two of them had agreed that they would reevaluate their marriage at the end of the separation. Unfortunately, neither of them had defined when that day might come, but the wife felt confident that, if the husband had to decide tomorrow whether to come home or to leave for good, he was unlikely to come home.

I have seen women (myself included) get their husbands back after a separation. But, many of them don’t use the tactics that this wife was using. In this situation, it is almost always to your advantage to play to your strengths and the positives of the situation rather than to your weaknesses and the negatives in the situation. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Getting Your Husband Back After Your Separation Often Requires That He Realizes Many Things While He’s Away: Here’s something that you must understand. While your husband is away from you during this separation, he’s going to be evaluating the health and desirability of your marriage. In other words, he’s going to be asking himself if he should remain in the marriage or if he’s happier with the way things are during the separation. In short, he has to decide if he’s happier with you or without you.

If he is wavering on this issue, then he will usually ask himself if the issues that are causing him doubt or are making him hesitate can be improved or worked through. Of course, you need for the answer to all of these questions to be a resounding yes. So, you need to be very mindful of how he’s regarding you right now.

You need to set it up so that when he thinks of you, he has a smile on his face and a yearning in his heart. You need to show him that you are willing to work with him on any issues that you might be struggling with. Some women will attempt to do this by constantly discussing “the issues” that are dividing them. In my observation, this is often not the best idea. This will only draw his attention to these things in a negative way and make you seem almost desperate.

You are generally much better off just attempting to focus on the positive and to show him with your actions and not your words that you are willing to meet him halfway. Because honestly, if things have progressed to the point where he has initiated a separation, then it’s not a given that he’s really completely listening to the same old messages. Very often, you will need to change both the tone and the context of your message to get him to pay attention.

How To Play It During The Separation When You Want To Get Him Back: Hopefully, it’s obvious by now that I didn’t think that the wife’s guilt trips were doing her any good. It’s simply human nature for people to want to stay away from things and other people that make them feel bad about their situations or about themselves. If you dwell on these things, then those perceptions that we talked about aren’t likely to swing in your favor.

You are much better off focusing on what is still good. And you will usually have more success if you turn down the pressure. Make it clear that you don’t know what the future holds and that you are tired of all the conflict and no longer want that to be the basis of your relationship. Focus just on making each encounter and perception as positive as you can without coming off as insincere or as if you are just putting on an act for his sake.

For this to really stick, it usually has to be a somewhat gradual process. If you guilt him into coming back before he is really ready to do so, then his heart might be conflicted and his commitment may not be there. As a result, you might always be waiting for the worst-case scenario and this isn’t that great for your marriage either.

How you present yourself right now is very important. You don’t want to be the only one who is invested. If you are, then it can help to back away just a little. If you come on too strong or appear too desperate, then the perception can be that you know that there’s something very wrong with you and the relationship and you’re afraid that eventually, your husband will come to realize this if he is away long enough. This is what you can not afford to have happen.

You want to be light-hearted, open, alluring, and flirty. You do not want to show him that you are struggling or that you put hours of thought and effort into each and every meeting. You want him to think that deep in your heart, you know that you are meant to be together and this is why things are going to work out without your pushing too hard.

It’s Best To Let Him Be The One To Mention Coming Back After The Separation: I can not stress enough how it will often hurt your cause if you are always pushing him to come back. If you’ve been constantly bringing this up, now is the time to stop. You will have your best chance of success if you let him be the one to suggest or ask if he can come back to the marriage and your home.

Often, when I tell women this they will respond with something like: “Yeah, well that’s a lovely idea but it’s never going to happen. If I wait until he asks to come back then I’m going to be waiting a long time.” I disagree with this. I’ve seen this scenario play out so many times. Quite often (but not always,) if you play your cards right, you can and will get the result that you want, which is, of course, him willingly coming back to you after the separation.

One day, he would decide that he was going to work with her to save the marriage, but then the next day he would completely change his stance and tell her that he felt they should just go ahead and divorce. Sometimes, this change of heart would come after a fight, but sometimes, it would come seemingly out of the blue. The wife was having a hard time responding and formulating a plan because every day was different. She had no idea which husband she was going to be dealing with on any particular day.

She was looking for the best way to approach her husband’s swinging moods. Despite her frustration, she loved him very much and did not want a divorce. 

A Husband’s Changing His Mind About The Divorce Sometimes Shows That He’s Uncertain And This Provides An Opportunity: Here’s an observation that the wife was missing. As frustrating as it was that her husband was changing his mind all of the time, at least he wasn’t dead set on a divorce. The fact that he was being so “wishy-washy” as she called it, meant that he wasn’t sure that he really wanted a divorce.

I sometimes speak with women who have already been served divorce papers or who have husbands who won’t even consider saving the marriage. So, as frustrating as this situation was, it was potentially workable.

The husband’s changing his mind might have been just his reaction to the inner turmoil that he was experiencing. Because neither of them had a plan as to how to change the negative cycle that they had gotten into, and he did not know how to go about making a positive change. When he felt this deeply, he was sometimes tempted to just throw in the towel because he did not believe that anything was ever going to change.

Their negative experiences of late had convinced him that all he could expect was more of the same and the only way to really stop this once and for all was to just end it. It was important that the wife understand this because the way to get him to quit flip-flopping about the divorce was to show him that things could steadily change for the better.

Changing The Negative Cycle With No End In Sight: The wife understood that she had to change this cycle, but she had no idea where to begin. They had become stuck in a rut and she said that, depending on the mood of her husband, she could almost anticipate what was going to happen before he even opened his mouth. He pushed, she pulled. He came forward, and she retreated. And sometimes, they would change roles just to give themselves some variety.

This was going to have to change. Because as soon as the same behavior started, so too did the same results. In order to get more desirable results, they were going to have to learn more desirable behaviors. But, the wife had her doubts that these things were going to “stick.” She felt strongly that her husband was going to resist anything that she put into place. I told her that the way that she presented this to him was going to be important.

Sometimes, it’s unnecessary to spell out what you are doing. If you feel strongly that you’re going to meet with resistance, then you can begin by controlling what you can – which is yourself and your actions. You can refuse to get pulled into the same old routines and you can go into this with a positive attitude. You can remember the things and the feelings that gave you good results in the past and draw on those things.

A Different Way Of Looking At It: Sometimes, when we get into very negative ways of behaving, we forget that the two of us used to laugh, play, and interact without cringing. If you can look back objectively, you can often pinpoint the places, circumstances, and people who used to bring about the bond that looked so differently than it does today. Although you certainly can’t turn back time, you can bring back some of these positive influences in your life by changing your attitude, your circumstances, and your reactions.

I told the wife that when her husband began to engage, she might respond with something like “You know, I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided that these negative habits that we’ve fallen into only make us unhappy. We both deserve to be happy so I’m not going to participate in these behaviors anymore. We can certainly talk about it though, when we are both more calm.” At first, of course, the husband might make a combative comment in return. But, when he did, she was to remove herself from the situation and tell him that they could revisit it when they were both calm.

She was then to focus on the positive. She was to be the affectionate, happy, light-hearted person that she knew she could be. Not only would this disarm him, but eventually, it would contribute to him seeing that things could change. And, as a result of that, the old habits would be broken down. So that eventually, the talks of divorce could stop as there would be no reason for them anymore.

by: Leslie Cane: I’ve dialogued with many people who are in no way ready to throw the towel on their marriage. But, they are often the only one in the marriage who feels this way. Typically, one person wants a divorce, while the other does not. 

The person who wants to stay married mostly knows that they have a lot of work to do, but they aren’t sure where to start. They know that they will either need to delay or stop the proceedings or change their spouses’ minds. I’ll discuss the latter in the following article.

Why I Feel That Trying To Change Your Spouse’s Mind About The Divorce Is The Best Strategy To Take When You Don’t Want To Split Up: I am sometimes asked questions about legal strategies. I am never able to answer these questions because I’m not an attorney, but also because I don’t feel that this is a very successful tactic. 

I don’t see stall tactics or playing “hardball” working very often. Usually, this only angers and annoys the spouse who wants the divorce. When you are opposing them in this way, it usually only makes them want the divorce more – and it also typically makes them want it to be over with more quickly.

Also, even if you are successful in using these oppositional tactics, you will likely always wonder if your spouse is really totally on board. You might get them to “give in,” but you’ll always wonder if you really have them with their whole hearts. 

I often have people tell me that they try to show their spouse how much money they are going to lose in the divorce. The goal is to show the spouse that it’s just going to be too expensive to buy their freedom. Honestly, though, do you really want your spouse to stay married to you only to save money?

Of course not. You want them to remain married to you because they love you and they want to be with you for life. This is often not accomplished by fighting with them or being on opposite sides of them. You will likely have much more cooperation and success if you can find something to agree upon and convince them that you really are on your side.

Sometimes, you simply have to start by agreeing that you will make this process as bearable as possible because you want to remain close and you don’t want to hurt one another. Sometimes, you will have to tell your spouse that you intend to work with them to maintain the history and feelings between you, even if your relationship is evolving into something else. 

By doing this, you have become an ally rather than an enemy, and you’ve hopefully gained yourself some access to your spouse because they won’t fear having to deal with you (like they would if you were arguing with them or all the time or constantly telling them why they were wrong.)

I understand that this might seem like a difficult and risky strategy, but it is, without a doubt, the one that I see having the greatest amount of success and it’s the only way to know that allows you to maintain your integrity. 

You’ve also set it up so that your spouse can come back to you in an honest and lasting way that is free from conflict and compromise that their heart was just not behind.

Setting It Up So That The Loving Feelings Return So That Your Spouse Calls Off The Divorce And Wants To Stay Married: This is usually something that has to happen gradually so that it is lasting and genuine. Your spouse likely wants a divorce because there is something in the relationship that has been lost or is no longer working. They likely perceive that they would be better off alone. These are the perceptions that must be addressed or changed.

Without knowing your situation, I can tell you that most marital issues stem from shifting intimacy and lessening closeness. Somewhere along the line, your partner stopped thinking as part of a couple and started thinking as an individual. 

This usually happens as the bond begins to weaken. Returning this bond is usually a process rather than an overnight event. You will generally need to build on a series of successes until you can bring about a dramatic change in perceptions.

You really need to elicit feelings that make him (or her) remember things when they were good. Make sure he sees the qualities that made him love you in the first place. (If he loves your sense of humor, make sure he sees it.) Over time, he will begin to question his perception that the marriage is dead and that you are two different people. He needs to see that the two of you can interact in the same positive way that used to make you both happy.

To do this, you will sometimes have to settle for small victories. The meeting over coffee that ended in laughter might give way to something more. The key is to not push too hard, to appear that you are coping with integrity and are considering his best interests and wishes and that you are the same, upbeat person who is very capable of bringing about loving feelings in him.