My Husband Said He Needs Space, So I Left – Was This the Right Thing to Do? What Should I Do Now?

by: Leslie Cane: I once dialogued with a wife who wasn’t sure if she had made the right move when she left her home because of her husband’s need for “space.” For the past several months, her husband had been acting distracted, cold, and annoyed. Every time she would ask him what was wrong, he would tell her either that nothing was wrong, that she was just imagining things, or that he was under a great deal of stress at work.

So, she hoped as best as she could that this would just pass, but it didn’t. In fact, it only got worse. Until one day he sat her down and told her that he just wasn’t happy with his life, with their marriage, or with anything at all. He kept repeating that he “needed space” and that he just felt so confused and trapped. The wife wasn’t sure what to do. It was clear that her husband was going through some type of personal crisis that wasn’t likely to just work itself out.

So, the next day, while the husband was at work, the wife abruptly packed her bags, left their home, and stayed with a coworker. Now that she had made this drastic move, however, she was doubting herself. She asked me: “Was that the right thing to do? I thought it would be better for me to leave because at least I can control him, NOT leaving right now. But I’m worried that I acted abruptly. And, I’m not even sure how to approach him. I don’t even know what to say. But, I do know that I only want for this to be temporary. I want to come home and I want to save the marriage, but I’m afraid I’ve made a very big mistake. In the following article, I’ll tell you why I think she made the best move that she could in a difficult situation, which she could possibly turn around.

Why It’s Sometimes A Good Idea To Be The One To Leave When Your Husband Wants Space: It was pretty clear that the husband wasn’t going to abruptly wake up the next morning and decide that he was suddenly happy and content in the marriage. This had been building for a while, and if the wife didn’t willingly offer up the space, the husband was likely going to take it by force or by being the one to leave. And when the disgruntled spouse is the one who leaves, you usually have a more difficult situation. Because not only do you have to deal with the issue at hand, you now have to work on convincing him to retrace his steps and to come back home.

When you are the one to leave, you do have a greater sense of control. Yes, you do have the awkward situation of being the one to take the initiative. But, at least you don’t have the obstacle of luring him back. And, if you play your cards right, you can paint yourself as someone who is supportive and accommodating rather than someone who is arguing with him (and at least in his perception,) making his problems worse.

I have seen countless wives make every attempt to keep their husbands from taking their “space,” and, sure, some of them are initially successful. But, in the long term, the success rate looks very low. A husband who has been begged or forced to stay will eventually become resentful and will eventually feel sure that he will never really know what might have happened if he’d been able to take some time on his own to clear his head. Yes, he may be present, but you will both know that he is not there willingly, and he is not fully invested. And, usually, the next time he tries to break away, it will not be so easy to get him to stay. He will likely have much more resolve, and your chances for success lessen each time you have to rein him back in.

But if you are agreeable and play it as though his happiness is vitally important to you and that you want to support him when he is struggling, then you’ve likely put yourself in a much better position. Yes, it may be scary, and you likely will feel vulnerable and afraid. But, this is why it’s so important that you position yourself so that when he ponders this situation, he realizes that he misses you rather than wanting to stay away.

Playing The Game So That You Play To Your Advantages While He Is Taking His Space: I know that many wives in this situation don’t believe it, but there are parts of this situation that you can use to your advantage. You do know the things and behaviors to which he responds well. And, you know the things that cause stress or turmoil. In general, this is a very volatile situation, and you will often fare much better if you try to keep things from becoming too heavy.

If you want to be able to come back home and save the marriage, then you want to set it up so that he’s not avoiding you because he worries that every time you interact, it’s going to turn out badly. Instead, you want for him to welcome the two of you staying in touch because he knows that you support him and that you’re hoping that the space means that the two of you will be happier because of it.

You don’t want to come on too strong, and you don’t want to push to come home. Ultimately, you want him to ask you to come home, and you want to be sure that he means it. This usually happens quite gradually. You have to accept small strides, and you have to keep things as lighthearted as you can. You don’t want either of you to feel unnecessary pressure or stress. You want him to think that you’re quite capable and although you miss him, you are coping.

You want for him to see the dynamic, fun-loving, understanding, and sweet woman that he fell in love with. Whatever you do, don’t show him the doubtful, scared, and teetering person that you may feel like right now. And, you want him to begin to gravitate toward you. So, you might say something like: “You know that I don’t want to end our marriage. If allowing you some time and space will make things clearer for you, I’m willing to do that. I might even benefit from some time myself. Let’s discuss how this is going to work.”

Once the ground rules have been laid, you want to move slowly and give him time to be sure of what he wants. And, you want to end each encounter on a positive note that he wants more and more of them. The idea is that when he does ask you to come back home, you both know that you’re sure and won’t be repeating this process in the future.

It was my husband (and not me) who left our home. It might have been easier if I had been the one to leave. Because when he left, his mind was made up. He was going forward with moving out, and I suspected a divorce was next. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. I used some of the tactics that I discussed here, and they worked. You can read about what I did on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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I’m Scared My Husband is Going to Leave Me – Tips and Advice That May Help

by: Leslie Cane: I once had a pretty heartbreaking conversation with a wife who felt that in the next few days, her husband was going to leave her. The two of them had just not been getting along due partly to the stress of their financial situation. They both were at their wits’ end, but the wife was willing to stick it out and work on the marriage, and the husband was not. He had been alluding to packing his bags and leaving. She suspected that he would promptly file for divorce not long after that.

The wife was beside herself. She stressed that she “could not live without” her husband and did not know how she could survive without his love and support. She was trying to come up with a plan to convince him to stay. But she was meeting a lot of resistance. She had tried reasoning with him. She had tried debating. She had tried guilt. And, recently, she was contemplating begging. Basically, she told me that she was willing to “do whatever it took” to keep him from walking out the door.

She wanted my advice as to what might work best to convince him not to leave her. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.

Even If You’re Scared That He’s Going To Leave You, Don’t Let The Fear Drive You: I have to get this out of the way and just say it. Fear is not a trait that is generally perceived to be attractive. The truth was, this wife had already laid her cards on the table numerous times. She had made it very clear that she did not want to live without her husband and wasn’t sure if she could. So, continuing to tell him this was no more likely to drive the point home than the numerous previous tries.

Honestly, I felt that the desperation and fear that she was wearing on her sleeve was only making her situation worse. I dialogue with so many men in this situation, and they almost always tell me that this type of behavior only wants to make them leave that much faster.

When I told the wife this, she responded with “Well, do you think I should play hardball then and tell him to just leave if that’s what he wants to do? Because I’m not sure that I can pull that off since his leaving is my worst-case scenario.” No actually, that wasn’t what I was suggesting. Because this strategy will also bring about the negative emotions and reactions that you want to avoid.

Instead, you want to focus on things that are going to bring about some relief and some positive emotions. You have to set it up so that you’re luring him toward you rather than pushing him away with tactics that are only going to make him want to escape the situation.

You’re Better Off Appearing Rational And In Control: I know that this might be difficult, but your best bet is to change tactics and try to be rational and nonthreatening so that it’s no longer necessary for him to continue to avoid or thwart you. And I felt that the wife needed to make the first move to give her husband a glimpse of her new tactic. Yes, she was going to talk about him leaving her. But she was going to go about it in a new way.

I wanted her to calmly sit down and tell him that she suspected that he was considering leaving. She was then to ask if there was anything that she could do to make the situation better. I also suspected quite strongly that the husband was going to continue to resist and assert that it was too late and that there was nothing that she could do.

However, instead of responding like she always did, I wanted her to show a bit of restraint. And rather than begin her speech about how she couldn’t live without him and how wrong it was for him to leave, I wanted for her to just state that although she was very sorry to hear that, she only wanted for things to improve between them. If he needed some time and space for that to happen, then so be it. She was not to be angry or desperate. I merely wanted her to state the facts and to come off as empathetic.

Basically, I wanted her to get the point across that she only wanted both of them to be happy, preferably together. I wanted her to leave the impression that she was no longer going to fight with him. Yes, this might be scary and risky. But the reason that we do this is because it allows us more access to them (which we very much need) during this process.

And in the days to come, we are going to move slowly and use this to our full advantage. The real goal is not to try to talk him into something that he’s not receptive to right now. The real goal should be to change his perceptions so that he’s looking at you and the marriage in an entirely different way at the end of this process. You must show him the strong, rational, and laid-back side of yourself rather than the needy and desperate one right now.

After my husband left, I did not understand these principles, and I went about saving the marriage in a destructive way with negative behavior. I had to completely rework things when it became obvious it wasn’t working. You can read about that strategy (which eventually worked) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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Knowing What Your Separated Husband Really Want Can Be the Key to Getting Them Back and Saving Your Marriage

By: Leslie Cane: One of the hardest things about being separated from your husband is feeling like you don’t even know what he wants anymore. I hear this a lot from wives:

“He won’t really talk to me. He just gives me vague reasons for needing time apart.” Or
“He says he needs space, but I have no idea if he’s planning to come back or if he’s already mentally gone.”

If you’re nodding along right now, I want you to know—I get it. I’ve been there. And I remember how confusing and scary it all felt to know that my marriage could potentially be over.

Here’s what I’ve learned, both through my own experience and by talking with other women: figuring out what your husband really wants during the separation (even if he isn’t saying it out loud) can give you a much better chance of saving your marriage.

Let’s talk about what many separated husbands are actually looking for—and what you can do with that knowledge.

He Wants to Escape the Tension:

When a husband initiates a separation, it’s often because things feel “too much.” The tension, the arguing, the emotional weight—it just builds and builds until he needs out. He might not even fully understand what’s going on inside of himself. He just knows he doesn’t feel good in the relationship right now.

That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you. But it can mean that—right now—he associates being around you with stress. And that’s something we can gently shift.

This is why constantly texting, calling, or asking “Where do we stand?” can backfire. I completely understand why you want to do those things (I did them too, with near disastrous results). But when you do, he may feel like the pressure never stops.

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is let things settle a bit and focus on creating a calmer, more peaceful energy between you.

He Wants to Feel Understood:

One thing I’ve found is that separated husbands often don’t feel heard. Or they’re worrying they’ll be criticized if they open up. So instead of risking an argument, they just shut down. It doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings—it means they don’t feel safe expressing them.

Even if what he’s saying seems hurtful or off-base, try to show him that you’re willing to listen. You can say something like:
“I may not agree with everything, but I want to understand how you’re feeling. So I’m listening.”

This can go a long way in helping him lower his guard and see that you’re not the enemy—you’re someone who still values him, even now.

He Wants to See the Woman He First Fell in Love With, But He May Doubt She’s Still There:

This one might sting a little at first, but stay with me—it’s actually empowering. Your husband likely fell in love with a version of you that was confident, fun, loving, and full of life. Over time, responsibilities and challenges (and yes, maybe emotional distance) can bury that woman a bit. It happens in almost every long-term relationship. And it’s not your fault. Your life is full of obligations that mean you can’t always focus on being wife of the year.

Right now, he may be wondering if that version of you still exists. So what happens if you start showing her again? You focus on your own happiness, your self-worth, and the things that used to light you up. You don’t do it to impress him—you do it because you deserve to feel good about yourself, no matter what’s going on.

But guess what? When he sees you taking care of yourself and regaining your light, it naturally draws him in. He starts remembering what made him fall for you in the first place.

He Wants to Be Wanted—But Not Chased

This is a tricky one. Many men want to know they still matter to their wives. But they don’t want to feel like they’re being pushed into something they’re unsure about.

There’s a big difference between saying, “I still love you and care about our marriage,” and saying, “You need to come back or else.”

Letting him know that you still want him in your life—without putting pressure on him to make a decision—can be very powerful.

He Wants Space—But He’s Still Watching

I know it can feel like he’s just checked out, especially if he’s gone quiet. But trust me, many husbands do pay close attention during separations. They watch how their wives respond. They notice if you’re falling apart or standing strong. And they often aren’t as far emotionally gone as they might seem.

It might not feel like it, but you’re still setting the tone. So when you can show him grace, dignity, and even a little joy or lightness, it sends a very different message than if you’re constantly upset or reaching out.

I’m not saying to fake being okay. But I am saying that you have more influence than you think—especially when you give him the space he asked for, while still being loving and grounded.

If you have to stay away when you’re struggling and wait until you can show him the best part of yourself, I honestly think that’s fine. I had to do that, too.

So, What Do You Do Now?

You take small, thoughtful steps. You focus on creating positive emotional experiences, even if it’s just a warm tone in a short text, or giving him space without bitterness. You work on getting back to the version of yourself that you love—because that’s who he probably misses, too.

And you don’t chase or force. Instead, you become a quiet but powerful reminder of what home felt like before all the tension and distance.

That’s how you begin to get through to a husband who isn’t sure what he wants.

Because deep down, most separated husbands aren’t truly looking for a way out. They’re looking for relief, understanding, and hope that things could feel good again.

And when you show them that’s possible—even in small, quiet ways—they often begin to find their way back.

I’ve seen it happen. I’ve lived it. And I believe it can happen for you too. If you want to read about exactly how I got my separated husband back, I lay it out at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Husband Won’t Say It’s Over But He Won’t Commit To Our Marriage Either

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who feel as if their marriage (and therefore their life) is in limbo. Often, their husband has been pulling away from them and the marriage. Sometimes, the husband has gone so far as to hint, suggest, or initiate a break or separation. The wife can assume that this means the marriage is over, but many husbands stop short at confirming this, which can be maddening for the wife.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband moved out six months ago. When he left the house, he told me he wanted some space to rediscover himself and he promised that he would go with me to counseling. That never happened. We haven’t seen each other on any regular basis. He does regularly see the kids, but I am not included in these visits. He says that he isn’t seeing anyone else, but I am not sure if I believe him. The other day, I told him that it wasn’t fair for us to live in limbo like this. I told him to be honest with me about what is going to happen with our marriage. I looked him right in the face and said ‘tell me the truth. Is it over?’ He answered by telling me that for now, it wasn’t over. So I immediately said that if it wasn’t over, did that mean he was going to commit to our marriage. I was very disappointed when he said he could not make that commitment yet. This just doesn’t make sense to me. If he stops short of saying it’s over but won’t commit to helping me save my marriage, where does this leave me?”

I really felt for this wife because I have been there myself although I did save my marriage. When you are in this situation, you feel as if your life is on hold. You don’t want to get your hopes up only to have them slashed later. But you certainly don’t want to give up on your marriage either. So, what do you do? Well, there are a couple of things, which I’ll discuss below.

Although It May Not Feel Like It Now, It Can Be Good News (And A Positive Thing) That Your Husband Won’t Say Your Marriage Is Over: I know that his refusing to say that the marriage is over while also refusing to commit to saving it might not feel like much of a victory. But believe me, it can be. Because I hear from so many wives on my blog whose husbands are being very direct and clear that their marriage is absolutely over. In fact, these husbands often give their wives no hope whatsoever that the marriage can be saved.

So as confused and as frustrated as you might be, know that at least you’re still being given some hope. Granted, he may be sending you mixed signals and you don’t know what tomorrow brings. But he has stopped short of saying that it is totally and completely over. And in my experience and opinion, this can be very significant. As I see it, you can use that as the catalyst to move forward with a positive and hopeful attitude because this will help you no matter what tomorrow is going to bring.

Working On Yourself While Waiting For Him To Make A More Definite Decision: It’s my opinion that the worst thing that you can do right now is to pressure your husband about making a quick decision. I know that you are anxious to get some conformation and move on. But your husband has repeatedly shown you that he’s not ready to give it. If you push too hard, he may just go right ahead and say it’s over even if this is not what he really wants or how he really feels just because you didn’t give him the time he needed to come to a genuine decision. You don’t want to force him into the rushed answer which might be the very one that you do not want.

When I was going through this situation, my attitude was always that as long as he wasn’t telling me that it was over or filing for divorce, there was still a chance that he might ultimately come to the decision that saved our marriage (And ultimately, this is what happened. ) I know that you feel like you are in limbo, but while you are waiting for your husband to come to the best decision, there is nothing that says that you can’t begin to move forward in a healthy way on your own.

The wife said that her husband hadn’t make good on his promise to go to counseling, but nothing said that she could not pursue this on her own. Helping yourself will provide you with some relief. If going to counseling by yourself makes you uncomfortable, there are plenty of resources (many free) that you can try in your own home that doesn’t require you to go anywhere.

And let me tell you a secret. Often, when you begin to make improvements to yourself or within your own life, this is going to improve the way that you approach and interact with your husband, which in turn is going to improve your marriage. I know that you may be skeptical of this, but I can’t tell you how many times I have seen it work. The truth is, your husband will often notice positive changes in you and will respond accordingly in his own positive way.

In my own case, I begged and pleaded with my husband to make the decision to come home. I laid on the guilt and the pressure and still, he kept delaying any commitment or decision. In fact, the more I pushed him, the less I saw or heard from him. He was avoiding me because he didn’t like dealing with my drama. Eventually I gave up this strategy because I truly didn’t have a choice. It wasn’t until I backed off and worked on myself that he began to pursue me and this made all the difference.

Since you truly are in a position where you need have the patience to give him some space, what is the harm in trying to make the best of the situation while you are doing it, especially when the very act of this can improve your changes of saving your marriage?

As I alluded to, my husband wouldn’t make a commitment to our marriage when we were separated. And the more I pressured him, the worse things got. It wasn’t until I backed up and focused on myself that things got better and we eventually saved our marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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What To Do When You’re Separated And Your Spouse Is Seeing Someone Else

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people (usually wives) who are beside themselves because they have recently learned that their separated spouse is seeing someone else. Often, they were still holding out some hope that they could save their marriage, so they aren’t sure how to react to this.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband asked for a separation about seven months ago. I definitely didn’t want one, but I agreed to it only because it was clear that it was either going to be a separation or divorce. He’s living in an apartment about five miles away. We’ve remained in touch throughout this process. I was hoping we would go to counseling, but we haven’t. All along, my husband has been very private about how he was living his life. When I would ask about his romantic life, he would make it clear that this topic is off limits. Yesterday, one of my friends called me and said that she saw my husband out on a date with someone else. When my friend approached him, he introduced her to this other woman as if it were the most natural thing in the world. What am I supposed to do now? I still want to save my marriage. But how is that going to be possible when there is a new woman in his life? Should I confront him? Should I pretend I have someone else to make him jealous? Should I try to break them up? What is the best way to handle this?”

I know that this can be a very challenging hurdle. But it’s very important that you keep this in perspective and not overreact, which I will discuss below.

Don’t Make His Seeing Someone Else More Than It Is: I know it’s very easy to assume that once your husband begins dating again, you have lost him for good. But honestly, the wife in this situation didn’t yet know how serious the relationship was. She didn’t even know if what the friend witnessed was a romantic date. And even if it was, a date or two certainly doesn’t mean that the husband was going to end up marrying the other woman. Plus, it’s not unusual for husbands to make the attempt to start dating again, only to come to the conclusion that no one holds a candle to his wife and that all these attempts at dating are really attempts to replace her – which isn’t even possible.

But if you panic, overreact,  suddenly start making all sorts of demands or begin behaving negatively then you actually decrease the odds of him realizing it’s you he wants. So, to the extent that you can, try not to overreact and attempt to keep this in perspective. A couple of dates don’t have to mean anything.

Should You Date  In Order To Make Him Jealous? Should You Try To Break Them Up?: The wife in this situation was tempted to try to find out more about the other woman and then come up with a plan meant to break them up. This so rarely works out well. Often, the husband will end up resenting the intrusion and will end up defending her just to spite you. Really, you don’t want to set it up so that you are on opposing sides of your husband.

The decision about dating someone else is one that you yourself will have to make. I was never able to do this because I was still very invested in my husband and in saving my marriage.  I felt as if this would have been living a lie. I felt like it would not only fake posturing, but a bad idea as well.

That’s not to say that I didn’t sometimes neglect to tell my husband where I was or who I was with so that he would wonder. But I always stopped short of claiming relationships that didn’t exist.

How Are You Supposed To Save Your Marriage When He’s Seeing Someone Else Or Starting To Date Again?: You have to see your marriage and his life outside of you as two separate things. You can’t allow your own fears and insecurities to place a dark cloud over your interactions with your husband.

And even if he does have a life outside of your marriage, there will be times when you will need to interact with him. When this time comes, make sure you remain positive and upbeat. Make sure you are pleasurable to be around. And as tempting as it may be, do not dwell on or demand answers about the other person. It’s very important that you make your interactions about the two of you – not about him and someone else. Give the impression that you are confident that he will eventually come to realize who and what he wants and that someone is going to be you.

I know that you may well doubt this right now, but believe me when I say it’s somewhat rare for the first person a man dates during a separation to end up being “the one.” And quite frankly, if you are able to reconnect with him during the separation and make small improvements that lead up to big ones, there’s every chance that you are still “the one” for him. And if this is so, the natural progression of things is to save your marriage so that in the end, you don’t even need to worry about her.

I had my suspicions that my husband was seeing other people during our separation.  He would never admit to this and the thought of him with someone else drove me crazy.  But it wasn’t until I placed his focus on him and myself and stopped worrying so much about external factors that things began to change for the better.  Because of my shift in focus, we eventually did save our marriage.  You can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

 

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My Husband Filed For Divorce Suddenly – What Should I Do? Tips and Advice That May Help

by: Leslie Cane: I once heard from a wife was still in shock that she had received divorce papers at her office without any warning. She knew that for the last few months, things had not been all that great between her and her husband. But she assumed that they had just been going through a rough patch that would pass as it always did. In fact, her husband had never even mentioned divorce, and she was stunned that she was now staring at divorce papers, unsure of how she should react.

She was sure about one thing. She did not want a divorce. She took her marriage vows very seriously, and she certainly did not want to break up her family. She was prepared to fight for the marriage, but she was completely unsure of what her husband was thinking since he clearly did not involve her in his decision to file for divorce. She wanted to know how she should react and proceed. I will tell you what I told her in the following article.

I Know That His Filing For Divorce Was Sudden And Unexpected, But Don’t Let That Derail You: I get emails like this quite a bit. And, quite understandably, the wife is usually fixated on the fact that she never saw it coming. She’s usually devastated that her husband did not give her the courtesy or the respect to discuss this with her (or at least to warn her) before she received divorce papers.

This, of course, usually makes her take pause as to how to respond. She feels incredibly betrayed and isn’t sure how to approach someone who clearly did not want to discuss this beforehand. I completely understand this. But, coming up with a resolution to this problem is going to require that, at some point, you’re able to effectively communicate with your spouse.

So, even though the temptation to focus on this coming from out of the blue is going to be very high, resist the urge to respond so negatively that you derail or delay your ability to begin to lay some foundation for communication and cooperation.

When You Respond To His Sudden Request For A Divorce, Always Consider The Perception That You Are Giving Off: I sometimes have husbands who have requested a divorce visit my blog. Sometimes, they leave comments or contact me. And, most of them indicate that in the end they decided to go ahead and press for the divorce because they just could not see a healthy resolution. They finally decided that things just could not or would not change enough to make the marriage satisfying or fulfilling for them.

There are many reasons that they might give for this, but often they feel that they and their spouse are no longer connected enough to give it a serious try. So, they have come to the conclusion that since no real and lasting change is on the horizon, it’s better to just cut their losses now. Always try to remember this when you respond to them.

Because if you come in and respond with anger, accusations, or things that induce negative responses from him, you’re only digging a deeper hole for this situation. You’re only reinforcing those negative perceptions. So, in his mind, he’s thinking, “see I knew that I was right. We are just never going to be able to communicate in a positive way again.”

As hard as it may be, and as much as you may be acting, you’re better off just focusing on right is in front of you rather than the fact that you were blindsided. It’s best to wait to come face to face with him until you can respond with some sense of control. What you want to get across is that you’re sorry that he’s so unhappy. You want him to know that your real goal in your marriage was for both of you to be fulfilled and happy together.

To that end, you aren’t going to react badly and just make the situation worse. Instead, you’re going to take the high road and try to work with him to get the two of you to a place where you can interact on a positive level because, whatever happens, he’s one of the most important people in your life and you don’t want to lose the relationship – no matter if the nature of it ultimately changes. Now, you and I both know you have an ulterior motive, but he doesn’t need to know that.

If you give off the impression that you are going to be working with him rather than against him, then he is going to give you easier access to him, which you will need in the days and weeks to come.

Accepting Small Victories When You Are Hoping For Bigger Ones: Ultimately, you want to play your part so well that he begins to consider that his perceptions about you and the marriage may well have been wrong. This might take some time. You may have to appreciate small victories where you have interactions that are cordial and lighthearted. This will hopefully lead to both of you wanting more. I will leave your legal strategies to the attorneys, but strategies meant to get him to change his mind about the divorce will almost always work better if you don’t push too hard, give off the impression that you are trying to help him improve things so that you are both happier, and insinuate that you are working with him rather than against him.

And it’s almost always not in your best interest to dwell on the fact that the divorce was so sudden and how unfair this was. That’s not to say that you aren’t right about it being unfair, but what’s done is done. You have to focus on moving forward and getting what you want rather than on looking back.

I had grave doubts about going forward with the divorce, but I didn’t speak up in the right way. I used negative tactics rather than positive ones. This did a lot of damage and I had a lot of catching up to do, but luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love so that we were BOTH happy. You can read about how I did that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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We’re Separated But I Can’t Stop Loving My Husband. What Can I Do?

By: Leslie Cane: A good deal of the correspondence that I get comes from wives who are going through a separation with their husbands. Many are struggling a great deal. Most tell me that they still love their husbands, no matter what the state of their marriage is or how their husband is acting at the time.

I recently heard from a wife who was struggling with her feelings when many people told her that she was setting herself up for more pain and disappointment. She said, in part: “my husband and I have been separated for about three weeks. The separation was his choice. I didn’t want it but he insisted that it was something he felt that we had to try.  He’s been pretty distant and hasn’t given me a lot of encouragement.  He told a mutual friend of ours that he wants to see other people.  Even so, I can’t stop loving him.  I love my husband as much today even though we are separated as I did when we were first married.  My friends tell me that I’m crazy and that I’m just asking for more disappointment.  But I can’t seem to help it.  Am I just supposed to turn off my love at will?  Because I can’t do it.  Part of me realizes that I’m fighting a losing battle but another part of me thinks that we are not divorced yet and he hasn’t told me to back off or that he doesn’t love me. As long as there’s a chance, I’m going to keep right on loving him because my feelings are my own.  It might be ill advised or silly, but I’m just not ready to let him go.”

I understood how this wife felt on so many levels.  Some of her story mirrored my own story when I was trying to save my own marriage.  And although I’m sure that her friends meant well, they probably weren’t telling the wife what she already didn’t know and what she needed was their support rather than them pointing out her vulnerabilities.  And actually, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with loving your husband while you are separated, even if things don’t always look that promising.  I’ll tell you why in the following article.

Sometimes, There’s A Reason That You Are Separated And Not Divorced.  And He Is Still Your Husband.  Why Wouldn’t You Love Him?: From the wife’s descriptions, it seemed as if her friends had pretty much written off her marriage.  They were giving her the impression that she should just give up.  But, this marriage was the wife’s and the wife’s alone.  I’m sure that her friends believed that they were helping her.   But a separation doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is over.  If both spouses chose a separation over a divorce, this truly says something, at least in my opinion.  Usually when the marriage is over, that means a final divorce that never recovers.  And that wasn’t the case yet.

I would also defend anyone’s right to love the person of his or her own choosing.  Is loving someone always in your best interest?  Maybe not.  But love isn’t something that you just decide to stop participating in because of logic or circumstances.  Your feelings and your heart make that decision.  Your brain does not.  Always using logical thinking when love and your marriage is concerned isn’t always easy or even advisable.

I know couples who still openly admit they still  love each other even when they are divorced.  There’s nothing wrong with that, in my opinion.  It’s not up to anyone to tell you who you should or should not love.  I know that I may sound defensive, but it bothers me when people tell others how they should feel.   Love, affection, and marital feelings are  deeply personal, and concern only the two people involved.

Tips For When You’re Separated, Still Love Your Spouse, But Want To Proceed In The Most Healthy Way That Is Possible: With all of the above said, there’s no doubt in my mind that this wife’s friends and family really did want to help her.  I am certain their hearts were in the right place.   They were likely reacting to seeing her hurting and they went into protective mode, which is certainly understandable.

I’m not denying that it’s a good idea to try to respond to your feelings in the most healthy way possible.  Although it was unrealistic (and a bit unfair) to expect the wife to just turn off her feelings or proclaim that she was going to try to not love her husband as much during the separation, it was understandable for them to want to handle it in a healthy way.  Her love for him didn’t mean that she shouldn’t focus on herself or to try to keep herself busy, positive, and active during the separation.

Because when we love someone that we are separated from (or when our relationship is struggling) it’s very easy to make that (and the pain that we feel as the result) our sole focus.  And this is where things can turn unhealthy.  When I was separated from my husband, I initially distanced myself from my support system and became quite depressed.  I withdrew from things that I enjoyed.  As a result,  I wasn’t all that pleasant to be around.  Needless to say, none of this made me more attractive to my husband.

It wasn’t until I forced myself to place my attention on other things, to try to focus on the positive,  and to live the best life that was possible for me at the time that things changed.  My outlook improved, my ability to cope was enhanced, and eventually, my husband started showing more interest in me.  Some time later, we reconciled.  I don’t want to claim that changing your focus means that things will always work out or that you can always save your marriage during a separation with your attitude alone.  Situations and marriages vary.  But I do think that there’s no reason to put your life completely on hold while you are separated.  And this is true whether you still love your spouse or not.

I completely understood and supported this wife’s love for her husband even during her separation.  But I hoped that she wouldn’t allow this love (and her complete focus on it) to allow her to feel pain or to put her life on hold.  In fact, I felt if she tried to do the opposite, her outlook (and possibly her situation and her marriage) might improve.

I certainly never stopped loving my husband during our separation.  But I think my husband had his doubts that he still loved me.  He had seemingly moved on and wanted me to do the same. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I lucked into trying one last thing and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read more of that personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Admitted That He Isn’t Sure He Wants to Be Married to Me Anymore and Might Want a Divorce. What Now?

By: Leslie Cane: Few things land harder than hearing your husband — the man you’ve shared your life, dreams, and history with — say he’s not sure if he wants to be married to you anymore. Just like that, your world is turned upside down, and the world you thought you knew is now spinning off its axis.

You may have sensed something was off. Maybe he’d grown more distant, less affectionate, or less engaged in family or couple life. Maybe he’s been irritable, withdrawn, or unusually quiet. And deep down, you knew something was wrong.

But hearing the words out loud — “I don’t know if I want to be married anymore,” or worse, “I’m thinking about a divorce” — can knock the wind right out of you.

If this is where you are right now, I want you to know something. This moment doesn’t necessarily mean the end if you play your cards right.

Yes, this can be serious. I won’t lie to you.  And, yes, it’s painful. But it also may be a turning point — and how you respond right now can have more influence than you think.

Let’s talk through what may be happening beneath the surface, what not to do (even though it might feel tempting), and what steps you can take to give your marriage the best possible chance of surviving — and maybe even thriving again, eventually.

What He Might Really Be Saying (Even If It’s Hard to Hear:) When a husband says he’s unsure about the marriage or mentions divorce, it’s easy to assume he’s completely checked out — that the love is gone and there’s no hope left.

But in many cases, those words don’t mean he’s done with the marriage. They often mean he’s:

  • Burnt out from conflict or disconnection,

  • Feeling like nothing will change, no matter how much he tries,

  • Craving the emotional peace he doesn’t know how to get inside the relationship.

Sometimes, men say, “I don’t think I want to be married anymore,” because they’re looking for space — or because they want their feelings to finally be heard.

It doesn’t mean they’ve stopped caring. It means they’ve hit a wall and don’t see another way forward yet.

This doesn’t mean you should ignore the statement. It’s definitely a cry for change. But it also doesn’t mean you have to panic or believe it’s already over. However, it does mean you need to pay attention. And you need to be very strategic right now.

Why Begging, Chasing, or Over-Explaining Rarely Works:

When you love someone and feel them slipping away, the natural instinct is to grab on and hold tightly.

You might want to:

  • Plead with him to reconsider,

  • Remind him of your history or the family you built,

  • Ask a hundred “why?” questions,

  • Reassure him you’ll do anything to make it right.

All of these reactions come from BOTH love and fear, and that’s completely understandable. But in my experience, when a husband is emotionally overwhelmed or leaning toward separation, more pressure often makes him pull away faster. That will just make your job harder in the end.

He’s not looking for emotional intensity right now. He’s looking for relief. And if every conversation feels like a high-stakes, emotionally charged negotiation, he may start to avoid interacting altogether. That means that he may start avoiding you.

That’s why one of the most powerful things you can do right now is to press pause on big emotional conversations — just temporarily — and create space for stability and calmness to return.

What You Can Do That Might Actually Help:

Now that we’ve talked about what not to do, let’s talk about a different — and often more effective — approach.

1. Stay Grounded (Even When You’re Hurting)

I won’t sugarcoat it: hearing your marriage might be ending is terrifying. But your ability to stay calm, warm, and emotionally steady can have a powerful influence on what happens next.

Even if you’re falling apart on the inside, try to interact with him from a place of centered strength. That doesn’t mean being fake or emotionless. It just means resisting the urge to panic or guilt him, and instead showing him that you’re capable of handling this with dignity and grace.

2. Acknowledge His Honesty Without Arguing

As painful as it is to hear, try to acknowledge his honesty instead of immediately disputing it.

You might say something like:

“I won’t pretend that doesn’t hurt to hear. I still value our marriage very much. But I respect your honesty, and I want to take some time to think through how we got here too. We both deserve to be happy and I’m willing to work with you to make that so.”

This kind of response shows emotional maturity — and it often lowers his defenses, making him more likely to open up again later.

3. Begin Quietly Working on the Marriage Without Needing His Permission

Sometimes, women ask, “Why should I work on saving my marriage if he already has one foot out the door?”

The truth is, the best time to start small changes is before both feet are out the door. Even if he’s not open to counseling or doesn’t want to talk about solutions yet, you can still begin improving the marriage environment on your own. This is what I had to do. And it eventually worked.

That might mean:

  • Reducing conflict and increasing calmness in interactions,

  • Becoming more emotionally self-sufficient (which men often respond positively to),

  • Focusing on subtle positive energy rather than obvious persuasion.

You’re not pretending everything’s okay. You’re simply planting seeds of peace and connection that he may begin to notice.

4. Revisit Who You Are in the Relationship

When a marriage starts to fray, it’s easy to lose your sense of self. You become so focused on fixing things or getting back to “how it was” that you forget who you were before things got hard.

Take this time — even in the middle of the uncertainty — to reconnect with your own strength, your own identity, and the things that make you feel confident and whole.

This isn’t about changing for him. It’s about reconnecting with your core so you’re not just reacting to him — you’re living from your own grounded place.

This energy often shifts how he sees you — not as the wife who’s begging him to stay, but as the woman he once fell in love with.

Now, you give yourself permission to take a breath.

You remind yourself that this moment — as painful as it is — doesn’t have to be the final chapter.

You stop scrambling and start steadily shifting.

You protect your peace and dignity while also staying open to quiet reconnection.

You let your husband feel the absence of pressure — and the presence of the woman who still believes in the good that once existed between you.

And you give it time. Because just like cracks form over months or years, healing and reconnection are built one moment, one interaction, one choice at a time.

This may feel like the beginning of the end. But handled with calm intention, it could just be the beginning of a turning point.

You have more influence than you think. And the story isn’t finished yet.

I thought my story was finished with my husband. We were both sure that we would divorce. We almost did. But I found some strategies that worked. You can read about how I finessed this at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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Why Do Some Husbands Lack Affection? – Here’s Some Possible Reasons

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with wives who tell me that their husbands are no longer affectionate and loving. Sometimes, this is only a recent event. But other times, it’s been going on for a while. Very often, the wife tries to ignore this at first, telling herself that her husband is just under some stress right now and that things will get back to normal when things calm down a little.

But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, the lack of affection seems like it’s here to stay. It eventually becomes a habit that is quite commonplace. And, eventually, the wife sometimes decides that she just doesn’t want to live this way. She knows that one of the reasons she got married was to feel love, affection, and appreciation from her husband.

Many wives suspect that if they can figure out why he’s no longer affectionate, they can begin to address the problem in the hopes of eventually fixing it. So, in the following article, I’ll list the most common reasons that I see for a husband’s lack of affection.

Your Husband Might Not Be Affectionate Right Now Because Something Is Deeply Bothering Him: Often, a man will withdraw his affections when something is going on in his life that he feels is disappointing or lacking in some way. These stressors aren’t always about your marriage. Sometimes, they are his job or his lot in life or even his extended family. Or it could even be the everyday obligations that just wear him down.

Still, a husband who is connected to his wife should just want to be affectionate as an unconscious extension of the way that he’s feeling inside. If he’s not doing this, then he’s disconnected from his emotions, usually for some concrete reason which may or may not be apparent. He may or may not share this with you.

But generally, something has disappointed him, or some expectation has not been met. Perhaps he’s disappointed with his life in general, or maybe he’s not liking the way that the marriage is going. Sometimes, as a result, rather than expressing his feelings or telling you what’s going on, he simply withdraws and retreats. This is where the lack of affection comes from. Whether it’s a conscious reaction or not, he’s distancing himself from whatever it is that he feels is lacking.

Please don’t misunderstand and think that I’m insinuating that his lack of affection is a valid behavior. I’m not, and I don’t. I’m just trying to explain what I’ve seen to be true. Men are not as likely as women to discuss what’s bothering them. They’ll often withdraw instead, even if this isn’t the best thing to do.

Your Marriage Culture Might Have Stalled. You May Now Be In The Habit Of Merely Coexisting: Sometimes, you have a husband who used to be very demonstrative and affectionate in the past, but this is no longer true today. Somewhere along the line, the passion cooled, and the two of you turned your attention to life obligations and day-to-day responsibilities. This is normal and happens in most marriages. However, some can handle these turbulent waters better than others.

Sometimes, this shift in priorities also contributes to a shift in feelings. Things begin to feel sort of stale and routine. Oftentimes, when this shift happens, people sort of shrug their shoulders and theorize that you can’t be obsessed with one another forever. So, no one really fights this process. And this “cooling off” in your marriage sort of becomes part of your culture. But, it’s likely that you both miss it, even if this is conscious or not.

It’s important that you don’t just let this take its course, even if you think that you’re both comfortable. Why? Because this leaves your marriage very vulnerable to any number of things that could seriously damage it. I often hear from people who tell me that this lack of affection and connection contributed to infidelity and separations. This is just not something that you want to ignore. And the more of a habit this becomes, the harder it is going to be to change this habit.

Fixing Things When Your Husband Is Not Affectionate: The worst thing that you can do right now is to ignore the problem. Don’t pretend like nothing is wrong when you know that it absolutely is. You are much better off taking direct and swift action. If you’ve not yet addressed this with your husband, there is nothing wrong with telling him that you miss the intimate gestures, the hand holding, the hugs, and the feeling of connection. Stress that you need this to feel loved and secure.

Sometimes, you will bring this up, and your husband will tell you that this is all in your head. He may even become irritated and frustrated. In this instance, you probably should not continue to harp on this when all it gets you are negative reactions. Instead, you act “as if.” What I mean by this is that every time he does even a little bit better on the affection front, you lay on the positive reinforcement quite quickly and act “as if” you already have what you want. You praise him, tell him how good this made you feel, and then give him more of what he wants as an exchange. This allows him to see that his small efforts are hugely worth his while, and he will likely continue so that you are both getting what you want.

Sometimes, you will have to demonstrate the type of behavior that you want by treating him how you want to be treated. Once he sees the positive payoff from this, he will likely follow suit. The whole idea is to focus on the positive, not the negative, and to make him want to do better because he knows that it will make you both happier.

When my husband began withdrawing affection, I did not pay close enough attention, and it almost cost me my marriage. I did not understand these principles, and I went about changing this in a completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. But when I came at this from another angle, that eventually worked very well. You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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What to Say (And Not Say) After Your Husband Admits He’s Not Sure He Wants to Stay Married

By: Leslie Cane: When the day comes that your husband admits he’s not sure he wants to stay married — or that he might want a divorce — you may feel like your world is spinning. And what you say next might feel incredibly high-stakes.

Should you ask him to explain?
Should you make your case?
Should you reassure him?
Should you say nothing at all?

It’s an emotionally intense moment. And because of that, the way you respond, not just with your words, but with your tone, energy, and actions, can either ease the tension or escalate the divide.

Below, I’ll walk you through what to say, what not to say, and why your response matters more than it may seem, especially in these early moments after such a painful admission by a husband.

First: What’s Really Happening In That Moment: When a husband tells his wife, “I’m not sure I want to be married anymore,” understand that he is likely feeling emotionally overwhelmed, checked out of the relationship (not necessarily the woman,) desperate for relief, and unsure how to fix what feels broken.

He may expect you to fall apart. Or beg. Or argue. Or try to talk him out of it. Don’t fall into these traps.

Because when your response is unexpectedly calm, warm, and steady, it throws off the pattern — in a good way. It can lower his defenses and create the first flicker of possibility that things might be different.

What to Say (Examples That Create Calm, Not Conflict:)

You’re not trying to “win” him back with one perfect sentence. You’re trying to create an emotionally safe space where real reflection (and eventually, reconnection) is possible.

Acknowledge Without Arguing:

“I hear you. I know this can’t be easy to say. I want to understand.”

This validates his honesty, without agreeing, pushing back, or trying to solve anything right away.

Stay Rooted in Calm Strength

“That’s a lot to take in. I want to take some time to really think before I respond too emotionally.”

You don’t have to pretend you’re unaffected. But showing composure helps rebuild the sense that you’re not going to panic or fall apart.

Own Your Side Without Guilt Trips

“If I’ve contributed to the disconnection or made you feel unseen, I want to understand more. Not to blame or defend, but to grow and change if it will help.”

This kind of mature statement often makes a husband feel less attacked, and more curious about what might still be possible.

Keep the Door Gently Open

“I’m not giving up on this marriage. I still believe in us. But I respect that you’re confused right now. I won’t force this, but I hope we can take things one step at a time.”

This shows quiet optimism without pressure. And it gives him room to want to stay, instead of your demanding it.

What Not to Say (Even If You’re Tempted:)

In these emotionally raw moments, certain reactions can backfire — even if they come from love and fear.

“How can you do this to me? After everything we’ve been through?”

This invites guilt — which often makes people shut down or become defensive. It may also make him retreat faster to escape the emotional fallout.

“You just want out because it’s easier than fixing things. You don’t want to do the work.”

Blame only confirms what he may already feel — that being in the marriage is exhausting or emotionally unsafe. Even if there’s truth in the frustration, it rarely creates forward movement.

“You’re ruining our family. Don’t you care about the kids?”

As painful as this is, pushing guilt around children can back him into a corner. And when someone feels trapped, they often double down on leaving just to reclaim control.

“Fine. Just go then. See if I care.”

Sometimes, in a moment of hurt, we try to take back the power by pretending not to care. But this often creates more distance — and may make him believe there’s nothing left to save.

A Few “Do’s” and “Don’ts” Going Forward

DO:

  • Give him some breathing room. He may need emotional space to hear himself think. Don’t confuse space with surrender.

  • Stay emotionally consistent. If you’re calm today and reactive tomorrow, he won’t trust the stability you’re trying to offer.

  • Find a support outlet. You’ll need a safe place to process (friends, a counselor, journaling) so your husband doesn’t become your only sounding board.

DON’T:

  • Try to rehash the entire marriage history right away

  • Demand decisions or answers before he’s ready

  • Use your communication as a means of control (even unconsciously)

What If He Pulls Away After the Conversation?

This is common. After expressing doubt or dropping the “D-word,” some men retreat even further. That doesn’t always mean it’s over. It often means the emotional stakes feel too high for him right now.

If that happens:

  • Don’t chase.

  • Don’t overwhelm him with reassurance.

  • Just let your calm presence speak louder than words for a little while.

Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say next… is nothing at all. Give him time to sit with your steady, non-reaction. It may surprise him — and make him think.

Steady Wins Over Desperate

There’s no script that guarantees he’ll change his mind.

But women who’ve walked this path and come out stronger on the other side often say this:

“When I stopped reacting with panic — and started responding with calm confidence — everything slowly started to shift.”

Your words don’t have to be perfect. Your emotions don’t have to be hidden.
But if you can show him — even in small ways — that you’re someone safe, steady, and self-respecting in the face of all this uncertainty? You begin to gently change the dynamic. And that’s often where reconciliation begins.

Listen, I know that my words are simple, but this concept is hard in reality. It’s easy for me to tell you to remain calm when your heart is breaking.  I know full well how easy it is to tell yourself you’ll be calm when you see him and then fall apart the instant you see his face. I’ve been there myself. But I’m telling you that you can do it. If I can, then anyone can. You can read about exactly how I did it on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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