One Minute My Husband Says He Loves Me and Will Stay and Later He Wants to Leave and Get a Divorce

by: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a very confused and frustrated wife who was dealing with a very indecisive husband who seemed to be changing his mind daily. Their marriage had been struggling for several months and things had reached a point where they needed to make a decision about how to resolve all of this. But, the wife could not get a handle on what was going to happen because the husband would not make up his mind.

One day, he would decide that he was going to work with her to save the marriage, but then the next day he would completely change his stance and tell her that he felt they should just go ahead and divorce. Sometimes, this change of heart would come after a fight, but sometimes, it would come seemingly out of the blue. The wife was having a hard time responding and formulating a plan because every day was different. She had no idea which husband she was going to be dealing with on any particular day.

She was looking for the best way to approach her husband’s swinging moods. Despite her frustration, she loved him very much and did not want a divorce. 

A Husband’s Changing His Mind About The Divorce Sometimes Shows That He’s Uncertain And This Provides An Opportunity: Here’s an observation that the wife was missing. As frustrating as it was that her husband was changing his mind all of the time, at least he wasn’t dead set on a divorce. The fact that he was being so “wishy-washy” as she called it, meant that he wasn’t sure that he really wanted a divorce.

I sometimes speak with women who have already been served divorce papers or who have husbands who won’t even consider saving the marriage. So, as frustrating as this situation was, it was potentially workable.

The husband’s changing his mind might have been just his reaction to the inner turmoil that he was experiencing. Because neither of them had a plan as to how to change the negative cycle that they had gotten into, and he did not know how to go about making a positive change. When he felt this deeply, he was sometimes tempted to just throw in the towel because he did not believe that anything was ever going to change.

Their negative experiences of late had convinced him that all he could expect was more of the same and the only way to really stop this once and for all was to just end it. It was important that the wife understand this because the way to get him to quit flip-flopping about the divorce was to show him that things could steadily change for the better.

Changing The Negative Cycle With No End In Sight: The wife understood that she had to change this cycle, but she had no idea where to begin. They had become stuck in a rut and she said that, depending on the mood of her husband, she could almost anticipate what was going to happen before he even opened his mouth. He pushed, she pulled. He came forward, and she retreated. And sometimes, they would change roles just to give themselves some variety.

This was going to have to change. Because as soon as the same behavior started, so too did the same results. In order to get more desirable results, they were going to have to learn more desirable behaviors. But, the wife had her doubts that these things were going to “stick.” She felt strongly that her husband was going to resist anything that she put into place. I told her that the way that she presented this to him was going to be important.

Sometimes, it’s unnecessary to spell out what you are doing. If you feel strongly that you’re going to meet with resistance, then you can begin by controlling what you can – which is yourself and your actions. You can refuse to get pulled into the same old routines and you can go into this with a positive attitude. You can remember the things and the feelings that gave you good results in the past and draw on those things.

A Different Way Of Looking At It: Sometimes, when we get into very negative ways of behaving, we forget that the two of us used to laugh, play, and interact without cringing. If you can look back objectively, you can often pinpoint the places, circumstances, and people who used to bring about the bond that looked so differently than it does today. Although you certainly can’t turn back time, you can bring back some of these positive influences in your life by changing your attitude, your circumstances, and your reactions.

I told the wife that when her husband began to engage, she might respond with something like “You know, I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided that these negative habits that we’ve fallen into only make us unhappy. We both deserve to be happy so I’m not going to participate in these behaviors anymore. We can certainly talk about it though, when we are both more calm.” At first, of course, the husband might make a combative comment in return. But, when he did, she was to remove herself from the situation and tell him that they could revisit it when they were both calm.

She was then to focus on the positive. She was to be the affectionate, happy, light-hearted person that she knew she could be. Not only would this disarm him, but eventually, it would contribute to him seeing that things could change. And, as a result of that, the old habits would be broken down. So that eventually, the talks of divorce could stop as there would be no reason for them anymore.

I had grave doubts about going forward with the divorce, but I didn’t speak up in the right way. I used negative tactics rather than positive ones. This did a lot of damage, and I had a lot of catching up to do, but luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love so that we were BOTH happy. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com.

 

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What Happens When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce But You Do Not? Here’s Some Strategies to Consider

by: Leslie Cane: I’ve dialogued with many people who are in no way ready to throw the towel on their marriage. But, they are often the only one in the marriage who feels this way. Typically, one person wants a divorce, while the other does not. 

The person who wants to stay married mostly knows that they have a lot of work to do, but they aren’t sure where to start. They know that they will either need to delay or stop the proceedings or change their spouses’ minds. I’ll discuss the latter in the following article.

Why I Feel That Trying To Change Your Spouse’s Mind About The Divorce Is The Best Strategy To Take When You Don’t Want To Split Up: I am sometimes asked questions about legal strategies. I am never able to answer these questions because I’m not an attorney, but also because I don’t feel that this is a very successful tactic. 

I don’t see stall tactics or playing “hardball” working very often. Usually, this only angers and annoys the spouse who wants the divorce. When you are opposing them in this way, it usually only makes them want the divorce more – and it also typically makes them want it to be over with more quickly.

Also, even if you are successful in using these oppositional tactics, you will likely always wonder if your spouse is really totally on board. You might get them to “give in,” but you’ll always wonder if you really have them with their whole hearts. 

I often have people tell me that they try to show their spouse how much money they are going to lose in the divorce. The goal is to show the spouse that it’s just going to be too expensive to buy their freedom. Honestly, though, do you really want your spouse to stay married to you only to save money?

Of course not. You want them to remain married to you because they love you and they want to be with you for life. This is often not accomplished by fighting with them or being on opposite sides of them. You will likely have much more cooperation and success if you can find something to agree upon and convince them that you really are on your side.

Sometimes, you simply have to start by agreeing that you will make this process as bearable as possible because you want to remain close and you don’t want to hurt one another. Sometimes, you will have to tell your spouse that you intend to work with them to maintain the history and feelings between you, even if your relationship is evolving into something else. 

By doing this, you have become an ally rather than an enemy, and you’ve hopefully gained yourself some access to your spouse because they won’t fear having to deal with you (like they would if you were arguing with them or all the time or constantly telling them why they were wrong.)

I understand that this might seem like a difficult and risky strategy, but it is, without a doubt, the one that I see having the greatest amount of success and it’s the only way to know that allows you to maintain your integrity. 

You’ve also set it up so that your spouse can come back to you in an honest and lasting way that is free from conflict and compromise that their heart was just not behind.

Setting It Up So That The Loving Feelings Return So That Your Spouse Calls Off The Divorce And Wants To Stay Married: This is usually something that has to happen gradually so that it is lasting and genuine. Your spouse likely wants a divorce because there is something in the relationship that has been lost or is no longer working. They likely perceive that they would be better off alone. These are the perceptions that must be addressed or changed.

Without knowing your situation, I can tell you that most marital issues stem from shifting intimacy and lessening closeness. Somewhere along the line, your partner stopped thinking as part of a couple and started thinking as an individual. 

This usually happens as the bond begins to weaken. Returning this bond is usually a process rather than an overnight event. You will generally need to build on a series of successes until you can bring about a dramatic change in perceptions.

You really need to elicit feelings that make him (or her) remember things when they were good. Make sure he sees the qualities that made him love you in the first place. (If he loves your sense of humor, make sure he sees it.) Over time, he will begin to question his perception that the marriage is dead and that you are two different people. He needs to see that the two of you can interact in the same positive way that used to make you both happy.

To do this, you will sometimes have to settle for small victories. The meeting over coffee that ended in laughter might give way to something more. The key is to not push too hard, to appear that you are coping with integrity and are considering his best interests and wishes and that you are the same, upbeat person who is very capable of bringing about loving feelings in him.

When I was trying to save my own marriage, my husband’s mind was made up about the divorce. Thankfully, I realized that playing hardball or acting oppositional was never going to work, but I also knew I had to be clever and play to win. You can read about which tactics worked and which didn’t on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

 

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Healing a Troubled Marriage – Tips and Advice

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with spouses outlining a marriage that they define as “troubled.” They want some ideas or tips on how to heal the marriage and bring it back from a place of neglect and apathy to a place of love, appreciation, and affection. Sometimes, only one spouse has this wish, while the other spouse is ready to walk out or has really given up. 

Still, typically the spouse who wants to heal the marriage can separate things as they are now from things as they used to be. They truly believe that if they are able to say or do the right things, little by little, they can begin to bring the marriage back from the dead. I believe this too. I’ve seen so many marriages that were only bitter shells of themselves reborn through a little effort and through sheer determination. Often, it takes more than a desire and well wishes to make this happen. You also need a plan that is actually going to work. So, in the following article, I’ll offer tips and advice on healing your troubled marriage.

Why I Really Hate The Phrase “Troubled Marriage” (Hint: It’s A Sabotaging, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy:) To be honest, I cringe when someone repeatedly chooses the word troubled to describe their marriage. This word choice really implies that the marriage is like an old, rabid dog that either must be rehabilitated through some miracle or put out of its misery. This does not make the whole thing seem exciting or desirable. In essence, your word choice can’t help but influence your feelings about this entire situation before you’ve even begun to carry out the plan that I’m about to give you.

So, stop dwelling on the negative and describing or thinking about your marriage in the state that it is now. Instead, think of it in the terms that you want it to be in the future. You don’t want to approach your spouse from a place of beaten resignation. You want to approach them from a place of being excited about the future. This is a huge difference between the two and this will often greatly affect your outcome.

Act “As If” And Know That You Don’t Need To Give Them A Play By Play Of What You’re Doing: OK, let’s think about this for a second. Right now, your goal, very simply, is to get from point A to point B. Point A is where you are right now in your marriage and point B is your goal and what you’re shooting for. Theoretically, you need your spouse’s cooperation and enthusiasm to get where you want to go. But, I often tell people to realize that you likely aren’t going to get this cooperation until much later. And, you really don’t need it in the very beginning. There is quite a lot that you can do on your own.  

Many people make the mistake of sitting their spouse down and asking for their help in “working on” their marriage. Again, I cringe at this terminology. When most adults hear the phrase “working on,” all this sounds like to them is, well, work. And, we are so time-strapped and stressed today that many of us are not going to get overly excited when we’re told that we’re being given yet another task to put on the daily plate of life. 

Again, the use of words affects how your spouse is going to look at what you’re asking them to do. And frankly, if your marriage has already reached this point, they’ve probably stopped listening to your promises and solutions. They’ve heard this before and they know it doesn’t work. So enough with all the words. You’re going to have to start focusing on action. And, you want to package it in a way so that you can both get behind it. 

So, you want to tell them (very briefly) that you’re saddened by the state of your marriage and that you’d just like to simply focus on having more fun together. You are tired of living in drudgery and you think that both of you deserve better. Tell him (or her) that you’re tired of walking on eggshells and always analyzing and trying to fix everything. That process is tiresome and you want to abandon it for light-hearted action. This does a couple of things. It lightens the tension which quite frankly is probably draining your marriage. It takes a lot of the pressure away and it postpones the difficult conversations that they were probably dreading (and vowing to ignore) anyway.

Putting Off The Hard Stuff Until You’re Strongly Bonded Again: Some readers tell me that the plan makes sense, but still, they just can’t understand how they’re actually going to heal this marriage when I’m telling them to delay the work part. Well, I don’t mean that you have to put it off indefinitely. However, the first step toward healing is changing your attitude. Both you and your spouse must change your perception of your marriage away from something that is struggling or just barely hanging on. This is done through a series of positive, shared experiences. 

You want to move toward a place where both you and your spouse are having fun together and are again experiencing affection, anticipation, and appreciation. Because once you are here, you’ll have a much better chance of having both of you equally on board and then committed to doing “the work” necessary to get things back on track.

When I was trying to save my own troubled marriage, my husband’s mind was made up. He was going forward with moving out and then the divorce. Thankfully, I decided to delay the “hard stuff” until I could rebuild an easy rapport between us. This worked when few other things did and I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but save our marriage. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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How Can I Determine If My Marriage Can Be Saved? Tips and Advice That May Help

By: Leslie Cane I often speak with wives who wonder if their marriage can be saved. Obviously, I can’t listen to and then get to know every detail and nuance of their marriage. And, I’m only getting one side of the story. But I can typically tell after a very short period if there is some possibility (at least from their side) of the marriage being saved. 

No, I don’t know their spouse, and I absolutely concede that it isn’t possible to control or change someone else’s feelings. But, I have come to believe (from my own experience) that is very possible to change your actions and responses to “strongly encourage” your spouse to want to change their mind. 

This takes a bit of commitment, patience, an understanding of your spouse’s needs and desires, and, frankly, a little finesse and acting ability. But, the advantage that you do have here is that you likely know your spouse better than anyone else and you’ve already used the formula that made them fall in love with you.

Sure, things in your marriage have changed. And you have changed and your spouse has too. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t save your marriage. In the following article, I’ll offer some considerations for people trying to figure out if their marriage can be saved.

Rare Situations Where It May Be Better To Cut Your Losses: First off, I must disclose that for the most part, if someone asks me if their marriage can be saved, this is a pretty good indication that at least one person in the marriage has the commitment and desire to make things work. 

However, there are some cases in which it may be better to really ponder the pros and cons of staying. I’m a strong proponent of keeping families together and not walking out on the person whom you promised to love forever. 

But, in cases of abuse, physical, emotional, or verbal harm, or serious addiction where the spouse just will not get help or the help doesn’t “stick,” then I advocate putting self-preservation as your top priority. 

If you or your children and your family are at risk or are being hurt physically and/or emotionally by the relationship, then I believe that you must put yourself first. Now that I’ve said what I needed to say about that, let’s move on to the marriages that in my experience can be saved.

Is There Apathy And Indifference On Both Of Your Parts?:  For me, the quickest way to know if a marriage is truly dead is to find out if both parties are basically “done.” What I mean by that is both spouses are at a place where they just don’t care anymore. They literally have stepped away from the marriage without any sorrow, doubt, or anger. 

There are no hard feelings. Nothing has been held back. Everything has been tried. The cards have been dealt and are on the table and still, both parties have decided to fold and walk away with no animosity or unfinished business.  

In these situations, the split is healthy because both people know that they did everything that they could and there’s no reason for resentment or doubt since they gave their absolute best shot. 

In these cases, you’re sure that both parties will put the kids first because there is really no need to punish, play games, or cause jealousy or hurt. These are the people who could see their spouse all dressed up with their new love on his or her arm and feel nothing but happy for him or her. There are no strong feelings or remorse either way here.

Does one of You Still React Strongly?: In contrast to the scenario I outlined above, it’s more common to see strong feelings – either positive or negative – on the part of one or both parties. These folks are typically either afraid, frustrated, angry, jealous, or hurt. 

They will often misinterpret feelings of anger as “proof” that the marriage is really over or too far gone. 

Actually, the opposite is true. These negative feelings really only show that you’re not yet to the place where you’re “done,” as I discussed above. Often the frustration lies more in the fact that you’ve not yet found a combination that will save the marriage rather than proof that you should end it.

Sometimes, one spouse is “done” and the other isn’t. In other words, one spouse is very committed to saving the marriage while the other one isn’t at all. 

So, what’s the prognosis here? Can only one person revive the marriage or does it take both parties being equally committed? Well, eventually both people need to be on board. But, this often doesn’t happen at first. This is usually a gradual process. The spouse that wants out will often not intend to get roped back in, but if the committed spouse plays it right, this can definitely happen.

Encouraging Your Spouse To Want To Save Your Marriage: If your spouse isn’t as committed to rescuing the marriage as you are, your primary goal is to change their perceptions. What are their reservations? What do they want that they think the marriage can not provide for them? Why do they think that things won’t or can’t change? Sometimes, they won’t tell you these things. But, you can almost always assume that a lack of intimacy is involved. 

Husbands (and some wives) very commonly tell me that they no longer feel valued, appreciated, desired, and understood. They look at how intense and right the relationship felt in the beginning and they contrast that with what life is like now and they feel let down. 

Yes, I know this isn’t fair. It can be difficult to put the same amount of intensity and attention into the relationship when life’s obligations rear their ugly head. However, acknowledging the problem and then putting forth some genuine effort can make a serious difference. 

You have to focus on what your spouse thinks they aren’t getting (attention, closeness, intimacy – whatever it might be) and genuinely provide it. I’m not talking about only doing this long enough to get them back and then stopping. 

I’m not talking about giving off phony vibes. I’m talking about thinking about what first attracted you to your spouse and then getting back to a place where you show how deeply you care about them and want them in your life. 

Remember when you intently listened when they talked, took a genuine interest in what was going on with them, and placed their happiness as high as your own?

What were the results when you took those efforts? You fell in love. Your husband fell in love. Saving this marriage requires you to repeat this process somewhat, keeping in mind how their needs and wants have changed over time. 

It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was completely over. He felt a divorce was imminent. I knew that it wasn’t and I refused to give up. However, I didn’t have a winning plan initially so I made things worse. Eventually, I changed course out of desperation and I actually won my husband and my marriage back. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Do Husbands Regret Leaving Their Wives?

By Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who hope that one day, their husband is going to regret leaving them.  Often, these same wives will tell their husbands that leaving is a mistake that he will one day regret.  And often either the husband doesn’t buy this for a second, or any doubts that he might have override his need to leave and just see what happens.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “my husband has decided that he will be happier as a single man without the day to day responsibilities of a wife and family.  I think he has this romanticized version of a weekend dad in his head.  I have repeatedly told him that he is making a huge mistake that he will one day regret but he doesn’t listen to me at all.  A mutual friend of ours thinks that I might be wrong.  She says that he might think that he’s enjoying the best of both worlds – the weekends with his kids but freedom and peace and quiet during the week.  I disagree because I can’t imagine just turning your back on your family and then being happy with yourself afterward.  So, who is right?  Do men regret leaving their wives?  Or do they walk away and never look back with any regret at all?”

The answer to these questions depends upon many variables.  But yes, some men do end up regretting leaving their wives once they’ve had some time apart and the opportunity to reflect.  Whether they feel any regret or not (and how deeply they feel it) often depends upon why they left in the first place, what happens after they left, and what type of person they are in the first place.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

The Reasons A Man Has For Leaving In The First Place Will Often Influence Whether He Eventually Regrets Having Left: Men who leave their wives for other women often end up feeling regret once they figure out that the other woman or the relationship turned out to be an eye opening disappointment.  The whole process and sense of discovery can take some time, but it’s very common that eventual regret sets in.

Many men feel regret after they figure out that they left a woman whom they misjudged.  Or, they might later decide that they acted too swiftly.  Sometimes, they later look back with some honesty and decide that they were immature and made their own mistakes and therefore it wasn’t fair for them to place the blame onto you.

I’ve even had men tell with (with a great deal of regret) that they made the biggest mistake of their lives by leaving the one person who loved them unconditionally and who understood them like no one else.  And sometimes, it is too late to fix this because that wonderful woman chose not to wait around forever and some other man was able to see very clearly what the husband missed all along.

Of course, while some husbands feel varying degrees of regret, some men do not.   Some men will tell you that escaping their marital prison was the best thing that they ever did.  They’ll tell you that they were dying inside every day that they were desperately unhappy within their marriage or living for someone else.  So, what is the difference between the husband who is filled with regret and the guy who feels none at all?  Some of it is the personality and makeup of the husband combined with the circumstance of future events that unfold.  And you can’t control this.  But a good deal of it is also made up of his future interactions with and perceptions of you, which you most certainly can control.

How To Act When You’re Trying To Make Your Husband Regret Leaving You: I often hear from wives who are hoping to make their husband feel some regret.  The first thing that you’ll need to understand is that you’ll often have better success with this process if you understand that it’s just going to take some time.  Feeling genuine regret often requires perspective.  And time is needed for genuine perspective.  There is just no way around that.

The next thing that you need to understand is that regret that is fueled by pity or guilt is often not all that genuine.  It’s often the kind of regret that makes him want to stay away rather than the kind that makes him want to come back.  So, while it may not be that difficult for you to make him feel guilt or pity, and then in turn feel some regret, this type isn’t the type that you want because it’s more likely to make him want to stay away, which is not your goal.

What you want instead is genuine regret that is born out of a realization that he was wrong.  He needs to believe that his doubts about you or the relationship were either misguided at the time or no longer exist today.   So how do you inspire this type of change?  You show him a self-respecting woman who is loving but self-sufficient.  You show him the genuine side of yourself who is easy to get along and collaborate with.  In other words, you don’t want him to see the married woman with whom he always fought or just couldn’t make it work with.

Instead, you want him to see the woman he courted and never wanted to be without.  I would understand if you had some doubt about this process.  After all, none of us have the ability to turn back the clock and pretend that our mistakes and misunderstandings never happened.  But, today is a new day.  You can either just accept those same mistakes and your new set of circumstances and start fresh, or you can try to pick up the pieces or rewrite the history of the past.  It’s my experience that you’ll often get better results by focusing on the present day positive because this allows your husband to willingly want to spend more time with you without worrying that you’re going to try to dredge up the past or point out his misgivings.  People just naturally are drawn to others who make them feel better about themselves and their own situations.

So while you don’t have to pretend that you are happy about the fact that he left you, acting on this unhappiness by trying to elicit negative feelings that fuel the regret will often just reinforce his decision to leave.  Instead, you want to give him positive memories and experiences which make him question his decision to leave.

There was a time when my husband seemed to feel no regret at all over leaving me.  I tried to inspire this regret by making him feel sorry for me, but I honestly think that my behavior made him feel relief instead.  I eventually, I decided to try a completely different approach, which worked.  If it helps, you can read more about the tactics that actually worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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What Does It Mean If You’re Separated From Your Spouse But Still Having Sex

by: Leslie Cane:  Some of the people who contact me about successfully handling a separation and saving their marriage don’t have a lot of access to their spouse and are trying to change this.  But, others have regular and intimate access to their spouse – sometimes so much that the couple are still continuing to have sex even during the separation.  Many people in this situation wants to know what continuing to be physically intimate during a separation really means in terms of saving their marriage.   Many ask me if this is a good sign or means that they have a better chance of getting back together.

I recently heard from a wife who was in this situation.  She said, in part: “my husband and I have been separated for about six weeks because of repetitive marital problems that don’t seem to improve.  Right now, we’re leaving things open ended as far as a divorce goes.  Neither of us has filed or intends to, at least for the time being.  I’m glad because I never wanted the separation and I certainly don’t want the divorce.  So I’m trying to handle the separation in a way that ensures that we will get back together and save the marriage. What I’m really confused about is the fact that we’re still having sex sometimes. Many times when my husband needs to come by or we run into one another, we end up in the bedroom being intimate.  It doesn’t seem to be planned, and I don’t question it because I don’t want it to end.  Every time it’s over, I hope that it means that he’ll want to come back and end the separation, but so far it hasn’t meant that at all.  He acts like nothing has ever happened and it doesn’t seem to improve the situation.  We still haven’t made any progress on our marital problems. What does it mean if you’re separated and still having sex?  Does it mean that you have a better chance of getting back together?”

I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Having Sex After You’re Separated Doesn’t Always Mean That You Will (Or Are) Getting Back Together, But It Can Sometimes Be A Good Sign: Many of the people who ask me about this (wives in particular) often assume that continuing to have sex throughout the separation means that things are improving and that they now have a better chance of saving the marriage and getting back together.  Unfortunately, this isn’t always the case.  Sex can mean very different things to each spouse (and I’ll touch on this more a little later,) but it doesn’t always have positive (or any) ramifications for your marriage.

Sometimes, sex is a way to connect as you are both mourning the changes in the status of your relationship.  Other times, it’s seeking a release or reaching out to someone who is very familiar and comforting to you.  With that said, sometimes it can be a good sign.  It often means that you are still attracted to one another and have a physical connection which can give you something to build upon in the future.  I hear from countless couples on my “save my marriage blog” who indicate that there is no spark left between them whatsoever.   So if you still have enough spark that you find yourself falling into bed with the spouse from whom you are separated on a regular basis, this can sometimes be a pretty good indication that a connection or attraction is still there.  And sometimes, this connects you enough so that you’re motivated to do more and to work harder to save the marriage.

Sex During The Separation Can Mean Very Different Things To Both Spouses: Another issue to consider is that often, continuing to have sex means very different things to each spouse.  For example, often women (or the spouse who did not want the separation) will have a very emotional response and connection during the sex. For them, the act of having sex is a way to reconnect with (and often an attempt to hold onto) their marriage and their spouse.  Sometimes, if it was the wife who wanted or pushed for a separation and then it’s the wife who initiates the sex, this can be a good sign since many women have emotional responses or motivations for physical intimacy.

On the other side of this issue, often men (or the spouse who wanted or pushed for the separation) will have less of an emotional and more of a physical response.  They aren’t necessarily having sex because they want to get back together or because they are acting on any deep emotional feelings (although they certainly might be.)  Sometimes, they are a bit confused or unsure about the separation or the relationship and are reacting to the same.  Sex with a reluctant spouse who wanted the separation can mean that they are now unsure if they want to leave the marriage, but this isn’t always a safe assumption.

How To Handle It If You’re Unsure What Sex Means During Your Martial Or Trial Separation: Although many people in this situation see the sex as positive sign or prefer still having sex over not having any contact at all with their spouse, many are quite confused and unsure.  The sex often leaves them wondering if they are being taken advantage of or if they are getting their hopes up only to later have them dashed.

If you’re enjoying the sex, don’t have mixed feelings about it, and it doesn’t leave you with questions to which you want answers, then it’s certainly possible that you’re going to continue on with the sexual relationship until it’s clear that you’re either getting back together or you can’t or don’t want to go down that path any longer.

But if you have your doubts about what all of this means and you worry that you’re going to get hurt in the end, you might want to open up some dialog with your spouse to see what they’re feeling.  You don’t have to insinuate that you’re assuming that you’ll reconcile or that you’re hanging all of your hopes on the regular sex, but you might tell them that it’s difficult for you to connect physically when you don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.  This gives them the opportunity to either offer you reassurance or clarification or to realize that taking advantage of the situation is the wrong path to take if they have no intention of reconciling.

Honestly, I didn’t have the luxury of having sex with my spouse while we were separated.  He was not receptive to me either emotionally or physically.  And unfortunately, I did not understand that there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about saving your marriage.  I pursued the wrong way for far too long and it almost costs me my marriage.  Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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Should You Divorce If You Love Your Husband But All You Do is Fight?

By: Leslie Cane: Over the weekend, I spoke to a friend of a friend – a wife who was at the end of her rope. She told me that she and her husband were only interacting these days by fighting. She said that she honestly felt like she was living in a “war zone.” She worried about the effect of this fighting on her kids. She did not want to continue to live this way.

Still, she had to admit that she still loved her husband, and she felt pretty strongly that he still loved her. They were sometimes affectionate with each other when they “made up” after their fights. But, there was no doubt that there was way too much tension in the air. The wife wanted to know if I thought she should divorce her husband to put a stop to all of the fighting and tension. I’ll share my thoughts in the following article.

Getting A Divorce Versus Fighting All The Time: To start the discussion off, I asked the wife very directly if she wanted a divorce. She did not even have to think about it. She gave me a very definitive “no,” but then quickly prefaced it with “But I don’t want to continue to live with all of this fighting either.”

There’s no denying that constant fighting is a very detrimental environment in which to raise a family. This sort of pressure cooker environment is not conducive to anyone’s mental health. Plus, the children are growing up witnessing a relationship in which arguing, belittling, and raising voices is the way that folks work out their problems. 

This was certainly not the example that the wife wanted to set. She wanted to show her children a positive way to get their points across and to negotiate their wants and needs. And, she was very upset to see her children exhibiting aggressive and angry behavior.

So, it’s pretty clear that constant fighting is detrimental to everyone in the house. No one can deny this. But, having divorced parents is not always a great alternative either. The wife’s parents were divorced, and she still felt the void and the sadness that followed her parents’ divorce, even as a grown woman. She told me that seeing her father’s truck drive away from her family home is probably the most persuasive memory that she has from her childhood, and it saddened her to think that she might be headed to a similar place with her own children. But, she could not see a way out of either problem.

Stopping The Cycle Of Fighting To Prevent The Impending Divorce: I asked her whether she had ever focused on trying to improve the fighting or the combative way that the two of them interacted. She told me that she had and that sometimes things got briefly better, but they almost always reverted back to their old ways eventually.

After discussing this for a little while, it became pretty clear that the two of them were mostly fighting over the same few topics over and over again. And, because nothing ever got solved for good, both parties were becoming increasingly frustrated and hopeless. So the fights escalated and took on a more negative tone over time.

Another factor in this cycle of behavior was that the fights were becoming very commonplace in their home. This had become the normal way that they interacted and expressed their feelings. Eventually, they both almost begin to feed off of this. It became part of their routine that one person would push, and then the other would push back, and so on over and over again.

Obviously, the first step toward breaking this cycle was to change the way that the wife responded to the husband’s little barbs and pushes. See, I’ve learned from my own experience that the wife had to accept that she could not control her husband’s behavior. She could not really shame, force, or guilt him into changing. This decision had to come solely from him. This decision was much more likely to come if the environment began to become more supportive and less combative.

The wife felt very strongly that if the two of them could solve the issues that were coming up over and over again, then the fighting would become less common. This was certainly possible, but here are some flaws with that thinking. 

First, they had tried to work through these issues for years, so what was going to be so different this time? Second, even if they did “solve” these hot-button issues, other stressors would always come up. This is just real life. So, they likely needed to learn new ways to negotiate and compromise to ensure long-term success – and the wife could begin this process by focusing on herself.

There were many considerations to this, but it helps to break it into smaller chunks. First, it helps to break up the cycle that the fighting would typically take. When you feel the urge to lash out, instead take out a pad of paper and write down the issue in one sentence. 

The tendency of many couples is to “pile on” the complaints when they become angry at each other so that one issue would give rise to several issues.

Give yourself at least an hour from when you write down the issue to when you bring it up. This would give things time to calm down and it forces you to focus on the most important issue.

Next, you can change the way you set up when you’re going to talk about. The next time your husband wants to start the same old fight, calmly and directly say that this topic often got them into trouble and started a cycle of fighting. Try to delay it. Ask if you can discuss it when the kids are in bed. This allows things to be more calm due to the delay. 

When it’s time to discuss it, lay your cards on the table and remember that one sentence. There is nothing wrong with telling him that you are troubled by the fighting and want to stop this. You are not denying the problems, but trying to break the destructive cycle so that the issue becomes much more manageable as you eventually no longer have two angry and resistant people who were unable to compromise.

Focus on what you wrote and the card and only that. That way, you are able to really and truly tackle one problem at a time and will no longer have the same old fight that never gets solved.

If you solve the issues you fight over methodically, then there is no need to get a divorce because you won’t be expressing your continuous frustration in the form of fights.

The reason I feel strongly that you can learn new skills and avoid divorce is because I’ve done it to save my own marriage. Unfortunately, I waited much longer than the couple in this article and it almost cost me my marriage. However, I did take my own advice and we are still together today as a result. I had to flip the script and completely change the way I interacted with him. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

 

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My Husband Says He Wants Out of Our Marriage, But He Gave Me No Warning – Insights That May Help

by: Leslie Cane: I recently spoke with a wife who was blindsided by her husband coming home from work, sitting her down, and telling her (very matter-of-factly) that the marriage was no longer working for him and he “wanted out.” 

The wife was so stunned that she didn’t respond. She had no idea what to do, how to react, or how to feel. She felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under her because this apparently came without warning. She eventually excused herself and left for a while. 

She wanted to know how to approach this situation and how to respond. Although this situation is a difficult one, I do believe that some responses are better than others. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Deal With What You Do Know, Rather Than What You Don’t Know: Admittedly, I did not know this woman or her husband well. But, I’ve dealth with the spouse who “wants out.” The biggest mistake that I see people in this situation make is that they will often immediately deal with the questions of why rather than the questions of how. 

What I mean by this is that they want immediate answers. To them, this situation came right out of thin air, so they think that there must be some logical reason for this. 

Therefore, they think that if they can just hound their husband until he provides a glimpse into his exact mindset and reasoning, they can therefore begin to work on changing his mind and showing him that he’s wrong.

Also, some wives will immediately suspect that there’s something sinister that the husband is not admitting to. They begin to hound him about whether he’s having an affair or hanging out with friends who are putting ridiculous ideas into his head.

Unfortunately, most of the time, all these strategies do is make your husband defensive and cause him to see you in an even more unfavorable light. So, what’s happening is that now both people are frustrated and are seeing the other person as the cause of many of the problems. This really does very little to help the situation. (And, if you are calm, in control, and patient, the truth will eventually come out anyway.)

While it’s absolutely understandable that you want answers, I have to tell you that sometimes, he’s not equipped to give them, at least to your satisfaction. He often knows that this is not working for him, but sometimes, even he is not sure why. 

Or, if he is, he can not articulate what it would take for you to change this for him. See, so often we women are looking for him to give us a road map. What we really want to hear is for him to say something like “Here are the exact reasons that I’m unhappy. If you can change these things by (fill in the blank, depending on your situation) then I would change my mind.”

This is not likely to happen. What you’ll often get instead is him being resistant to offer you specific information other than vague phrases like: “I just think it’s time to separate;” or “I’m just not happy;” or “I just don’t think the marriage is healthy anymore.” I

t can be very hard to address these things because they are based on his perception which, from the way you see it, is absolutely wrong. Plus, you don’t have control over another person’s thoughts.)

But telling him that he’s wrong is not going to help your cause. No, your best bet is to deal with exactly what he’s telling you and to go from there. 

You can’t read his mind and it can be difficult to deal with perceptions that only he is responsible for. So, what you want to do is to deal with what you can. 

You can address what he’s said as though it is a valid reality. And what you know for sure is that at least at this moment in time, he’s not happy and doesn’t think that marriage is going to change enough to make it worth his while to stay. 

This is the perception that you should work on changing because this is what is lying right in front of you.

Saving Your Marriage, Even When His Wanting To End It Came Without Any Warning: Another thing that people tend to dwell on is the fact that there was no real warning. Yes, this was unfair. But, you can’t change that. 

As I said, you can only deal with what is happening right now. So, move past the warning issue and focus on what you can do right now. And, what you can do is work on those perceptions that are causing him to want to walk away. He thinks that the marriage is not worth saving and that it can not change.

The easiest and most logical place to start is to address his belief that nothing is going to change. He’s likely expecting you to react in the ways that I have discussed – to demand answers, to nag, to guilt, to reel. You’re better off not doing that. It’s better to calmly tell him that you’re so very sorry to hear that, but that you made a vow to hang in there through good times and bad. 

So, in the spirit of that, you’re willing to work with him to make things better, no matter what “better” ends up meaning in this particular case.

Show him the empathetic, understanding, calm, and in-control woman that he is likely not expecting. 

Remember the road map that I said that most of us want? Well, you likely have it, although you probably do not realize it. You often do not need for him to lay out for you what makes him content and fulfilled. 

This man once, and probably still does, love you. But the circumstances have changed. If you try, you can usually determine when and how this happened. And, you can remember when things were very different and that (and how) you made each other happy. You know what you did, how you interacted, and how you paid attention.

At the end of the day, we all have the same needs. We want to feel heard. We want to know that we are understood and desired and that we are receiving what we give and deserve. And we know that these things make us feel good and make us want to continue. 

When you are forming your responses and strategies, always keep this in mind. Because you’re much better off focusing on this rather than how this is both unfair and unexpected.

My husband blindsided me also. I was completely shocked when he told me that he wanted out. He felt that our marriage was completely over and often threatened to end it. And he wouldn’t lift a finger to help me save it. I felt that if I started by changing things on my end, I might be able to turn things around. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to save our marriage. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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When Do Men Change Their Mind About a Divorce?

By: Leslie Cane: Probably sixty percent of the conversations that I have about saving marriages are from wives who are facing the very real reality of an imminent divorce. Almost all of them want to save their marriages and aren’t ready to throw in the towel just yet. They want to know:

if their husbands can change their minds and reconsider a divorce;

how they can make this happen;

and when this change might occur. I’ll answer these questions in the following article.

You Can’t Make Or Force Him To Stop The Divorce, But You Can Contribute To His Wanting To: So many wives approach this as a battle. The emails that I get ask for tips to “make him” or “get him to” change his mind. This wording alone implies that you’re trying to strong-arm or trick this man into doing something that he just doesn’t want to do – almost like he’ll be kicking and screaming all the way back, but will be reluctantly coming back just the same. Is this really what you want?

Of course not. You’re going to have a much higher degree of success and satisfaction if you can come to a place where you’re equally committed and willing to save the marriage. You want him to want to be there as much as you want him there. And, you aren’t likely to reach this if you come at him as an adversary or you take a combative stance.

In fact, you almost want to do the opposite. You want him to think that you’re committed to his happiness and to helping him get what he wants (even though we both know that this is going to lead to YOU getting what you want.)

Ignore The Divorce For Now And Concentrate On Day By Day: The truth is, so many women act badly and desperately with the threat of divorce on the horizon. This little word elicits panic, fear, and desperation — all very negative emotions that can cause you to do or say things that you’re very likely to regret later. We take to bombarding him with questions and accusations. We try to make him feel guilty. Or, we’re just so nasty because we want to lash out at him so that he’s hurt every bit as much as we are. But, all of these things only dig you a deeper hole and get you further away from your true goal.

So, while it may be difficult at first, I want you to put the divorce out of your mind. You will function much higher and be much more convincing when you don’t have this threat breathing down your neck. Vow, at least for the next couple of months, to take things day by day. Divorces take time to become final. You likely have more time than you think, and counting down the days is only going to cause you to react in negative ways.

Right now, we’re going to take things day by day, conduct ourselves with dignity and grace, and focus just on ending our time with the husband on a positive note. Yes, these are small victories. But, small victories eventually build upon themselves until you’ve created a new reality.

Know That Your Husband Will Change His Mind About The Divorce When You Show Him That Things Really Can Change In Your Marriage: OK, here’s the short answer. I have a little bit of insight into men who have initiated a divorce. Many of them write to me and share what they are feeling. Almost all of them tell me that divorce is a reality because they just feel that things can not and will not change. They share that they feel more like a brother or roommate to their wives. They feel that their wife just does not make the time for them anymore – that she cares more about the kids, her career, her parents, and her family. They tell me that there’s no longer laughter, intimacy, or a feeling of connection. And, they tell me that this has been going on for so long and that they’ve tried repeatedly to fix it – and now, they are quite sure that it won’t change and there’s no way to rescue it.

At the end of the day, the core of a divorce is usually a lack of connection and intimacy. Because when two people are feeling this, they can usually weather any marital storm. So, if you want to change your man’s mind about divorce, then you need to focus on restoring these things and showing your husband with your actions – not your words, that you can be successful with this.

This probably seems like a tall order when you aren’t living together or you at least don’t have access to him. This is where coming at him from a place of a partnership comes in. It’s important to communicate with him that you agree that the marriage is broken and that you both deserve better. Explain that he’s too important to you to let things deteriorate this way.

Place Your Energy On What Gets Results: So, you’re going to focus on what you can – coming out of this in a way that you can be proud of. He may be hesitant at first, but as you conduct yourself this way, he will eventually warm up somewhat.
When he does, it’s so important that you put your best self out there.

Listen intently. Lean in when he talks. Stress that you are on his side and have his back. Because truly, you are already the person who can turn your husband’s eye and possess his heart. You’ve already done it once. But, somehow, someway, the stresses of everyday life took a little of the shine off of this woman.

Now, it’s time to get her back and reclaim her. Because she is who your husband really wants. And once she returns, and you come at him from a place of partnership (and move slowly), everything else should fall into place.

I Saved My Marriage is a blog that I set up to share my story of how I was able to turn my situation around when my husband initiated a divorce. When he first left, I made a lot of the same mistakes I discussed here. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. You can read more about that at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Three Simple, Easy Hacks to Save or Re-Ignite Your Marriage

By: Leslie Cane: I love hearing from or reading about folks who figured out deceptively simple but extremely effective ways to save or re-ignite their marriage. Even better, many of these methods don’t require much money – or even tons of time or effort. I’m going to share a few of these brilliant hacks in the hopes that they can help someone else.

Stop Trying For A Complete Overhaul Or An Immediate, Sweeping Change: Many of us feel that we can’t take another second of whatever issue is taxing our marriage or causing our unhappiness. Therefore, we have a way of amplifying that issue so that we see it as a permanent part of our spouse. In that way, the feelings that we have about the issue – the anger, the frustration, and the sadness – are increasingly directed at our spouse and decreasingly directed at the problem itself.

Because of this, it is incredibly common to want to overhaul our spouse. Our deteriorating marriage makes us believe that not only must he change immediately, but he must also change fully and completely. Of course, even when our intentions are good, our husband does not always embrace this overhaul. He’ll often feel defensive, resistant, or downright attacked. Sometimes, this process can actually feed the conflict and make it worse.

The husband might retaliate and insist that the wife also has fatal flaws that must change. So both people end up feeling very incapable and begin to wonder if the marriage is going to fail no matter what happens. You end up with a push and pull where no one wins, but both people feel jerked around.

I would never suggest that you ignore the troublesome issues in your marriage. You absolutely shouldn’t.

But you don’t always have to completely change or overhaul your spouse. Why would you want to when you used to love this person (and all his quirks) very much? Does he really need “fixing?” Making him the constant villain makes you a victim, and this is not the dynamic you want for a healthy marriage.

I’ve had people tell me that once they adjust their thinking and target the issue rather than their spouse, they are finally able to save their marriage. If you’re playing the blame game, stop. If you’re constantly beginning accusatory statements with “you,” change your wording to “we.” Decide that if he can’t or won’t give you what you need right now, then give it to yourself. Sometimes, we sit and wait for someone else to make us happy when we have the power to do that for ourselves all along.

Find Ways To Make His Life Better And Watch Yours Improve In-Kind: I don’t have to tell you that when your marriage is in trouble, advice has a way of finding you. Even if you don’t necessarily tell friends and loved ones about your issues, the people closest to you somehow seem to know anyway. And some of those people will take it upon themselves to give advice. Most of it is well-meaning. Not all of it is helpful.

Occasionally though, there is some GREAT advice offered. One example is the grandmother who told a couple that the secret to her long, happy marriage was to ask her husband, “How can I make your day better,” every night at dinner.

This question is great because it forces you and your spouse to communicate about things that go beyond small talk. But the benefits don’t stop there. Delving into life satisfaction and problem-solving every day means that you’re always communicating and sharing the parts of yourself that are often closed off.

It also ensures that your spouse is “your person” with whom to vent, with whom to heal, and with whom to solve problems. He becomes the person you know will always try to help you and who always has your back.

It also ensures that you know that every single day, you’re going to be heard. And this is one of the greatest basic human needs – to be heard. Having this need met solves a multitude of problems. It seems so simple, but the results are anything but.

Find A Joint Activity Where You Can Both Be Vulnerable And Learn Together: One of the biggest obstacles to saving your marriage is spending quality time together where you’re jointly focused on the same constructive thing at the same time. Often, couples who are struggling spend their time together in destructive ways so that their togetherness deteriorates their marriage rather than strengthening it.

To change this dynamic, find something that both of you are enthusiastic about trying and commit to doing it for thirty days – together. A popular option is working out because it is so constructive and it encourages vulnerability and trust. There are so many free “30-day challenges” on YouTube that offer any type of workout you can imagine from yoga to boxing.

Another option is reading a book series together, hiking, traveling to new places, taking a class, or pursuing a hobby. I know a couple who took up photography and fell in love with it so much that they now have a side hustle traveling to beautiful locations, taking photographs, and selling the end products. They don’t make tons of money, but they make enough to finance their new hobby, and they spend much more productive time together.

I hope this article has shown you that it doesn’t always need to be difficult or complicated to begin saving your marriage. Any one of these three suggestions could make a difference. All three done gradually could overhaul your marriage. And you don’t even need to tell your spouse what you are doing initially if you think he would be resistant. Just try one, reap the rewards, and then watch as he eventually becomes more and more receptive.

I wish I’d tried any of these hacks to save my own marriage.  Instead, I felt that we needed to make dramatic changes and try complicated exercises and lengthy therapy activities.  My husband was not on board with any of this and we separated.  Thankfully, I did eventually regroup and save my marriage.  (How I did it is at https:isavedmymarriage.com ) But I could have avoided much wasted time and pain by keeping it simple.

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