Leslie Cane Articles

There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at its end. We had seemingly tried everything – from counseling to a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

By: Leslie Cane: I have dialogue with wives who are beside themselves while attempting to come up with a way to keep their husbands from leaving them. Sometimes, they have advanced warnings because the husband has been hinting or telling them that he is going to leave. And sometimes, he just comes home and starts packing his bags without warning.

However it happens, the wives that I hear from don’t want to allow it to happen. They are looking for any way possible to stop him from leaving and making him stay. From my own experience and research, I believe that there is actually a right way and a wrong way to attempt this. That’s not to say that the “wrong” way doesn’t sometimes work or that the “right” way doesn’t sometimes fail. The outcome can sometimes depend upon the people involved and the situation.

But, long-term success often will depend upon how you decide to react and follow through. It’s my opinion that very often, wives in this situation will panic and act desperately and dramatically which can sometimes even make things worse. It can be very hard to resist this when you’re so scared to lose him. But sometimes, you are better off if you take a long-term view rather than trying to only get a short-term reaction. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Trying To Convince Him That You Can Work Things Out If He Doesn’t Leave: This is a common tactic that many women will take. They will try to pinpoint the exact issue that is making the husband want to leave and then attack that issue with a vengeance, hoping to make the husband see that he’s wrong or that, if he just gives the marriage one more chance, you can work the issue out.

Husbands won’t always buy this because often they believe they have made up their mind or because they have heard it before and they know that you’re trying to change their mind and that you’re pulling out all of the stops. So they will be resistant to a lot of what you have to say sometimes. The thing is if you’re going to make any promises or assertions, make sure that it is something that you can back up and give freely and without resentment. Because if you can’t, then this has a way of only showing up again sometime in the future and being just that much more difficult to overcome the next time.

Placing Your Focus On Making Lasting Changes Versus The Short-Term Goal Of Getting Him To Stay: It’s a cliche to say that sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, but in this case, this saying is very true. Many women focus only on getting him to stay and they don’t care what they have to do or say to make this happen. I’ve had women tell me that they have placed themselves between their husband and the door or they have grabbed his suitcase. Women have told me that they’ve even made empty threats because they are going to try anything necessary to make him stay.

I do understand the temptation to do this. When I was in this situation, I did several things and acted in ways I later very much regretted. But, it’s my experience that you will often be much better off if you focus on the long term. You may have to back off some initially to gain some ground later. Often, if you are calm and try to focus on the positive, you will have a much better outcome. And even though it can be very difficult at the time, you can often look back later and realize that you were exactly right.

Making Him Realize You Want Both Of You To Be Happy More Than You Want To Be Right Or To Get Your Way: If you talk to the men in this scenario, they will tell you that they know that their wife’s agenda is solely to get him to stay or to get her way. This is often all they see so they are even more determined to leave because, if they stay, then technically, you have “won.”

It’s important to make them see that there are no winners and losers here. You will often get a much better response if you stress that salvaging the relationship so that you can both be happy is more important to you than what happens in the next few minutes. It’s often better to let things calm down before you attempt to have any serious discussions.

And when things are calm, you can stress that although you certainly don’t want him to leave, you’re looking at it for the long term. You want things to be better and lasting so that you can both be happy. If he needs space or time, then this can be addressed, but ultimately your goal is to just make small improvements and gain some ground until you get to where you want to go.

Because honestly, a wife who is hysterical and begging him to stay, making threats, or acting all dramatic and not like herself is often not the woman he really wants. Often, who he wants and misses is the calm and happy-go-lucky woman he fell in love with, not the upset and clinging one that is before him. You can be desperate to get him to stay without making this completely apparent and without losing control. It takes patience and determination, but it can be done.

When my husband left me, it did appear that his mind was made up and I panicked and therefore made many mistakes.  Thankfully, after many delays, I was able to change course. And this made all of the difference and is why I am still married today. You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I recently heard from a wife who was quite interested in seeing what her future might hold. After she and her husband had been having problems for several months, her husband told her that he felt they should “go their separate ways for a while” and see how things turned out after that.

The wife wasn’t sure exactly what he meant by that but it was pretty clear that he intended to move in with friends for a while. Needless to say, the wife’s main concerns were whether her marriage would end and whether her husband was going to come back.

However, every time she asked him about this, he would just give her vague replies like “We’ll just see what happens.” This was breaking the wife’s heart. She hated that they were leaving it open-ended in this way. It drove her crazy to not know whether she was going to be married in a year from now. And she was placing all of her attention and worries on whether he was coming back.

And although I’ve done this too and find it natural and completely normal, looking back now, I know that it wasn’t the best call. I will discuss this more in the following article.

When A Man Says That You Should Go Your Separate Ways Right Now, This Can Mean All Sorts Of Things: The wife’s biggest fear was that the husband would eventually file for divorce. She was worried that “separate ways” would eventually come to mean separation which would eventually come to mean divorce.

But, the thing was, she had no way to know if this was going to be true. She could not see into the future and her husband wasn’t being forthcoming with these details. So, as difficult as it might be, she really just had to allow this to play out. But the good news about this strategy is that her actions would undoubtedly contribute to how everything ended up.

So, whether she believed it or not, she had a bit more control than she feared. And quite frankly, some men use the “separate ways” terminology when they are just looking for a break to sort out their feelings. Sometimes, they are looking for a response from you to gauge where your marriage truly stands. And, sometimes even they don’t know how things are going to turn out.

So, with all of these unknowns, the wife’s path may just be to take things as they come while setting up the situation so that when the husband evaluates where he wants to go from here, he realizes that his life is likely better off with his wife than without her. But, in order for this to happen, the wife was going to have to change some perceptions that were standing in her way.

Focusing On Changing The Situation So That He Wants To Come Back Rather Than Hyper Focusing On If He Will Come Back: Besides the shock and pain that this wife was feeling, her main concern (by far) was if her husband was going to come back. This concern was pretty much the center of all of her thoughts and actions.

To that end, she was constantly trying to take inventory of where her husband was, what he was doing, and what he was thinking. Even though she admitted that these actions were only annoying her husband and weren’t really getting her anywhere, she just couldn’t seem to stop herself.

So many of us do this, myself included. But what we don’t understand at the time is that we are creating an “either/or” situation. What I mean by that is that since your sole concern is him coming back, you’re putting him in a position where he has to make a decision that either he’s coming back or he’s not and there’s not really any gray areas or any space in between.

So, you’re leaving an opening for things to turn out badly. Instead, you want to create as many positive options as you can. You don’t want to put so much pressure on this situation that your husband thinks he has to leave you or begin to move away from you to escape this pressure.

As hard as it may be to back off some and let things unfold as they will and THEN respond rather than jumping the gun, sometimes this is precisely what you should do to have the outcome that you really want.

Here’s what you often need to understand. Pretty shortly, there may come a time when your husband has to make a decision about how he is going to proceed. He’ll need to decide if he’s coming back or if he wants to truly separate or divorce.

And, when this does happen, you want to have painted yourself in the most favorable light. Right now, he may think that your problems are too big or that your relationship isn’t going to change. You often have to change his mind about these things eventually. And one way to start to do that is to behave in a way that he isn’t expecting.

Allow him to be pleasantly surprised at how in control you really are. Come from a place of love rather than a place of fear. Make it clear that your priority really is both of you being happy rather than trying to pin him down on exactly what his plans are.

I wish I had known these things in my own marriage. Our trial separation went very badly until I figured out that my actions were pushing my husband further away. Fortunately, when I realized my mistake it wasn’t too late. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.

 

By: Leslie Cane: I recently heard from a wife whose husband had told her that he “no longer has any feelings” for her. They had been having marital issues for a while but had been trying to work them out. The wife felt that at times, things were beginning to get better. Apparently, the husband didn’t agree because he told the wife that he now was pretty sure that he wanted a separation or divorce. The wife was astounded at this and told the husband that although the marriage had hit a rough patch, she still loved him and felt that was a foundation upon which they could build.

The husband countered this by telling the wife that not only didn’t he love her anymore but that he “no longer had any feelings for her at all.” Not only did this shock the wife, but she frankly didn’t believe it. The day before, he had initiated physical contact and showed affection. She wasn’t sure why he would feel the need to lie, but she was beside herself. She said in part “How can he say he doesn’t feel anything for me? We’ve been together for a very long time and have been through a lot together. How can he just throw that away and pretend as though I don’t matter to him?”

There are many reasons that men sometimes do this. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Sometimes A Man Says He Doesn’t Have Feelings For You Because He Knows You Will Point To The Feelings As Proof You Can Work Things Out: I didn’t personally know either person in this situation, but I had to suspect that the husband was telling the wife this as a way to take the wind out of her sails. In the past, the wife had pointed to their feelings for each other as a main reason to continue to work on the marriage.

Many husbands in this situation aren’t sure what to do anymore. They’ve tried “working” on the marriage and various other things, but they feel as though they are at a dead-end street and they aren’t sure how to begin to make an exit. So, they will tell you that the feelings are gone so that you no longer have this fact on your side.

What does this mean for you? It means that it’s possible the feelings haven’t gone, but you have a situation in which your husband is willing to say anything in order to get a pause in this situation. That’s very important information that can mean quite a lot and be quite telling.

Putting This In Perspective To Determine Where To Go From Here: Many women in this situation have no clue where to go with this or how to respond. Basically, there are a couple of possibilities. Your husband may be telling you the truth as he knows it, meaning that since so much has happened between you, he doesn’t know what to feel or his feelings may have dulled. Or, he may well still have feelings for you but he’s trying to diminish or deny them because he is growing tired of the “working it out” process.

Either way, his perceptions about the situation are now part of the issue. Many women will often react by trying to prove to their husband that he still has feelings or arguing with him about his assertion. In my experience, this isn’t as effective as focusing on the issues and trying to fix them. Having more conflict is rarely the answer. Changing his perceptions sometimes can be.

If The “Working Things Out” Stance Isn’t Working For You, Consider Focusing On Something Else: Sometimes, it’s not that the husband’s feelings have changed all that dramatically. (After all, I rarely believe that feelings just turn off and on.) So rather than focusing on this point, you are sometimes better off taking the focus off of all that “work” and all of its connotations. Sometimes, smaller steps are in order.

Just focusing on interacting with less conflict and drama can sometimes make quite a difference. And sometimes, your husband is expecting all these fireworks but when you respond calmly and with purpose, he may suddenly begin to question his perceptions in the first place. This is what you want. Yes, you may have a long and gradual climb. But your real goal is not to show him or argue with him that he’s wrong, but to show him by your behavior and your reactions that he may have acted too swiftly.

You want to show him the carefree calm and loving woman he first fell in love with rather than the frightened and reeling one who may have a tendency to be accusing and argumentative because she is frightened of losing what she has worked so hard for.

I know that this is a very difficult situation. And I know it feels as if you might be on the losing end of this. But your reactions from this point forward can be very important. Try to take the high road and keep your perspective. In the long run, you may be glad that you did.

I understand how you feel, because a very short time ago, I was exactly where you are. But, I learned that my husband had fallen out of love with the relationship instead of falling out of love with me. I was able to use this knowledge to change course, return my husband’s love, and save the marriage (when I was the only one interested in doing so at the time.) You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I once dialogued with a woman whose husband had been approaching the topic of divorce. He’d been tip-toeing around the topic for months. But lately, it had become quite clear that he thought the relationship was going to end in a divorce relatively soon. The wife was adamant that she did not want to end the marriage. In a bid of desperation, she offered up a trial separation as an alternative to the divorce.

Her husband said he would think about it and let her know how he wanted to proceed. After the wife had a bit of time to think about it, she wondered if this had been the right call. She asked me, in part: “Can a trial separation save our relationship? Because I’m starting to think that I’m only delaying the inevitable. If we’re going to eventually get a divorce anyway, then why waste all of that time and get my hopes up?”

I’ve seen plenty of trial separations work to eventually save the relationship. And, when the only other alternative is a divorce, then a separation can be just about your only chance to gain some ground. But, in my opinion and experience, there’s most definitely a right way and a wrong way to handle a trial separation if the whole goal is to save the marriage or relationship. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Sometimes, A Trial Separation Is One Of The Only Viable Options Before A Divorce: Obviously, the best-case scenario is if you can save the relationship before you have to separate or take some time apart from one another. Sometimes though, this just isn’t going to be possible. Sometimes, the spouse who is trying to avoid a separation at all costs will push too hard for an immediate reconciliation with the person who is very resistant to this. A strategy such as this can do more harm than good because the reluctant person usually becomes so tired of this process that he leaves anyway, and by then you have a lot more ground to recover.

Usually, what you really want is to be able to save the relationship with both people equally on board and equally as enthusiastic about rebuilding. If your spouse goes into this process with doubts or when their heart isn’t really in it, there’s a real risk of only getting a temporary reprieve. Instead, you want any attempt to reconcile to work and to be lasting. When nothing else has worked and the only other option is a divorce, the trial separation can be a decent alternative (but usually only when done correctly.)

Handling The Trial Separation In The Way That Saves Rather Than Destroys Your Relationship: When separations go wrong, this is usually due to a few very common reasons. One potential reason is that one or both people approach the separation as a free-for-all all where they act as if they are already single. One or both spouses might choose to date other people or act in such a way that’s not typical of someone who is still married.

This can lead to a lot of retaliation and resentment which usually only makes things worse. The other common mistake that I see couples make is that they attempt to overcompensate rather than allowing the time away to work for them rather than against them. Sometimes, it feels as though the pressure to solve things is quite intense so one or both people are tempted to make the sole focus to “work” on the couple’s problems while feeling intense pressure.

The thing is, one of the most important things that need to happen during the separation is that the people in the relationship need to see that their life is better within the relationship than on the outside of it. Most people will need to see some improvement in both the relationship and in their own perceptions about the other person in order for this to happen in a genuine (rather than forced) way.

The improvement that I’m talking about can’t happen by force. Sometimes, you are better off not pushing so hard and allowing the time away to make the heart grow fonder. Rather than attempting to remind your loved one of you every waking minute, you are often much better off making every encounter count and focusing on the positive rather than the negative. Your loved one isn’t likely to improve their perceptions of you and the relationship if they see you turning up the pressure, moping around, or acting fearful and resentful.

You want to show them the best, most low-key version of yourself every time you have the natural (rather than forced) chance to do so. This shouldn’t feel or look like an act. You want to just very naturally allow them to see the person who initially excited them so much. You want them to see you as upbeat, coping, accommodating, and busy. If this isn’t how you truly feel, sometimes you need to make an effort to display this anyway, at least when you are with them.

Always ask yourself if your actions during the separation are helping or hurting your cause. This doesn’t mean that you need to be overly accommodating or obviously not genuine. But sometimes, you have to act “as if” until you’re desired reality actually comes true. One way to do this is to attempt to focus on the positive and maintain an upbeat attitude and sense of humor. If you approach your partner with doom and gloom or guilt feelings every time you interact with them, then you run the real risk of them thinking that they’re better off alone and therefore won’t be returning home after the separation.

It was my husband, not me, who thought he wanted out of our marriage. I panicked, and unfortunately, drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This backfired – not surprisingly. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed direction. Eventually, I was able to turn things around and still have a stable marriage today. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.

by Leslie Cane: If you’ve found this article, I have to assume that one of two things have happened. Either your marriage does not feel as loving, committed, or secure as you would like it (and you feel your husband is distant or slipping away); or your husband has asked for a divorce, break, time apart, or separation. I can’t possibly know the specifics of your situation, but I do know that it’s possible to bring a husband back even if you are the only one interested. I know because I’ve done it. And although the severity of the situation and the people involved may be different, I believe the most effective method to bring back your husband is really the same. Sure, you may have to move more slowly and take more baby steps in some situations, but you can adjust as needed. This article will discuss the plan that worked for me and many others. I sincerely hope it works for you.

Understanding What Your Husband Really Wants To Bring Him Back To You: It’s very common to confuse the external issues or scramble a husband’s wants and needs once we’ve been married for a while. I know because I absolutely did this. The truth is, you probably are well aware of what it takes for your husband to be happy. Because you once made him so happy, in love, and committed that he married you. The qualities that you exhibited when you dated (as well as the actions you took then) were the formula that won your husband’s heart. So, this puts you at a great advantage. You already know exactly what you had to do (and need to do now) to make your husband happier.

Many people will counter me when I say this with something like, “Yes, but now we have kids and much more stress,” or “We’re not young and carefree anymore,” or “One of us made a huge mistake and we aren’t even speaking.”

I know that all of these things may be true, but the core of what your husband really wants has not changed because of these external things. If anything, your husband’s need for your affection and attention is probably even more great. I know that you are busy and I know it can seem unfair that it seems that you may be doing all the work, but bear with me. Because in the end, marriage is reciprocal and if you give your husband more of what he wants, then you will probably get a lot more of what you want as well.

Remember when you and your husband first fell in love? I’d be willing to bet that any issues are arguments ended quickly without any excess drama. Why? Because people in love generally don’t want to spoil it by allowing negative feelings to interfere. That’s why it’s important that you return to this place and reintroduce the two people who fell in love. How do you do this? You show your husband the best version of yourself, the one he first fell in love with.

Becoming The Best Version Of Yourself To Get Your Husband’s Attention (It’s Not Someone Else – It’s You!): I realize I’ve indicated that you should show your husband the qualities that drew him to you in the first place. Understand that I don’t mean you have to act or look like Paris Hilton. You should pay careful attention to your appearance, but I strongly believe that if you are honest and evaluate why your husband first fell in love with you, you’ll likely list qualities like: a sense of humor, an open heart, kind actions, a strong desire to pay attention to your partner’s happiness, etc. Once you can pinpoint the qualities that were most important to your husband, ask yourself how often he is seeing them now. If you can honestly say not enough, then you have work to do. 

However, use caution here. While I absolutely want you to display your best qualities regularly, I don’t want you to be a doormat, be too obvious about it, or try too hard. If your husband senses you’re not being honest or are doing something desperate or not genuine, he’s only going to block your efforts more and this behavior may make you appear unattractive or needy. So, what to do instead? Remember that your happiness leads to his happiness.

You Can’t Give Away What You Don’t Really Have: This may seem confusing, but hear me out. If you want to display a positive, attentive, interesting woman, you really don’t want to have to fake it and hold back your agony as you are doing this. You really want to genuinely be this happy person as she is the one who is going to attract what you want. So, how to get her back?

You have to do the things that make you happy. I’d be willing to bet that you’ve also been neglecting yourself and your own needs. So, you have to make a very deliberate effort to get out and do what makes you happy. See friends. Revisit hobbies. Do what you know is going to put a smile on your face. This may seem the opposite of what you are trying to do (as you feel that your husband, not you, needs your attention.) But I promise you that making yourself happy will bring you closer to your goal. Truthfully, you can’t radiate true happiness and openness to your husband if you aren’t genuinely feeling it. In your best-case scenario, you want the two of you to experience positive, loving feelings together. This isn’t possible if only one of you is getting their needs met. Take your own happiness into your own hands and I guarantee it will in turn give you more to give to your husband. And, I’m willing to bet that this new, fulfilled version of yourself will get the attention of your husband. This is ultimately what you want anyway. It’s really a win-win situation.

I had to use a similar approach when I trying to save my marriage (and was the only one who wanted to). I made a lot of mistakes, but eventually, I was able to change course and regain my husband’s interest. Over time (and taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his love. You can read more on my blog at isavedmymarriage.com/

 

By: Leslie Cane: I once spoke to a wife who was beside herself about the state of her marriage.  It had been “falling apart” for quite some time and she and her husband had tried several things to improve the relationship. The husband was now at a point where he was wanting out. According to him, he did not see any other thing that they could do and it had become clear to him that it was now time to cut their losses and move on.

Of course, this is not what the wife wanted to hear. She strongly felt that somehow, some way, the marriage could be saved. Not only that, but, there was no doubt in her mind that their marriage was worth saving. After all, they were roughly the same people and they had a lot of very tangible things to be thankful for. In fact, most of the other things in their lives were going fine. It was just the marriage that was bringing everything down.

The problem was, she could not get her husband to see this point. No matter what she said, the husband resisted giving it more time to see if the marriage could be saved. She wanted my advice as to how to change his mind. So, in the following article, I will share with you what I told her.

Convincing A Husband That Your Marriage Is Worth Saving: Here is the catch-22 that so many of us do not see. Often, the more you try to “convince” and “talk him into” saving the marriage, the more resistant he’s going to be. This is because you’re trying to “get” or “make” him see things your way only implies that he’s wrong or faulty for seeing things his own way. This is often a situation where you have to show rather than tell him. 

In truth, you’ve likely been “telling him” for quite some time now with only minimal or disappointing results. So, it’s time to stop talking so much and to take more action. And, here’s another unfortunate truth. Your husband is likely at the point where he is not listening to you as much as he did in the past. This is because he’s seen firsthand the promises and attempts did not really come through. So, as a means to protect himself, he’s started to tune you out somewhat.

This does not mean that what you are saying is not totally the truth and 100% accurate, but that fact does not matter as much as his perception of it. It’s important that you understand this. It’s equally important that you don’t become so frustrated by the fact that he’s not listening that you begin to turn toward desperate attempts to get his attention via whatever means necessary. Many people will begin to take desperate and negative measures at this point. 

They will either take the nice and subservient route – begging, and following and offering up promises that already have not worked. Or, they will take the harder, less friendly route – they will offer ultimatums, and threats, or try to debate him to change his mind. Here is what both of these tactics often do. They will make you look less than desirable. They will push him away from you rather than pulling toward you.

Hopefully, by now, I’ve convinced you that the route you’ve been taking in the past deserves a break – since it didn’t work anyway. And, it makes sense to focus on creating a new, positive perception rather than the same old stale and negative one.

Changing Up What Has Not Been Working: I am going to suggest that you come at this from a new angle. This is often a way to get his attention in a positive way and a way to pause the same old course of things. I would also suggest that you don’t necessarily telegraph your plan. He likely already has in his head that he’s going to reject or resist whatever suggestions you come up with, so you may want to delay sharing this with him.

It’s perfectly fine to be clear on the fact that you love him and want to save the marriage. But, I suggest taking a break from the desperate stance that you are likely taking. I suggest alluding to the fact that you’re going to give all of this a break and focus on yourself and on creating a better vibe and give and take between the two of you. This is because the negative things that have been going on for so long are draining you and are not meshing with your goals. After all, your ultimate goal is that both of you are fulfilled, in a healthy place, and happy.

The way things have been going obviously runs counter to this. So, you’re going to work on remaining positive, taking a break from those things that create conflict, and moving forward in a positive way. Sure, you may ultimately split up, but at least you’ll do it on a positive note. (We both know that you don’t want to split up, and the plan is not to, but the stance is for his benefit.)

Now, you have to absolutely follow through. If you don’t, you’ve just set yourself back yet again and ensured that he’s going to listen to you even less. What you want to do is to attempt to have light-hearted encounters where you joke, laugh, and take all of the pressure off the both of you. If you do this well enough and for long enough, that pressure cooker that you’ve both been living in is going to start to release its grip. 

You’ll begin to see that you start to look forward to spending time together again. You already know what type of behavior and actions your husband best responds to. Now is the time to use that knowledge. Always keep it light and upbeat. Don’t fight an uphill battle. Go with the flow. You are not looking to talk out or work out your problems right now. You will do that later – when the relationship can withstand this. 

Right now, you are only looking to regain your footing and buy some time and some cooperation. You are much more likely to do this if he’s not cringing every time he sees you coming or sees that you have called. Sometimes if you hang on too tightly, you end up chasing off what you really want. You’re much better off loosening your grip and then discovering that he will come back quite willingly when you give him a payoff to do so.

There was a time when I thought my marriage was truly at its end. We had seemingly tried everything – from counseling to a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.