Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are worried about whether or not their husband is missing them during the trial separation. After all, he isn’t exactly being forthcoming. And, the wife knows that if he is, in fact, missing her like he should, this would make a reconciliation much more likely. Much of the time, she misses him very much. And she’s not shy about telling him this. But, for some reason, he holds back when the topic of his own feelings comes up. And she’s sometimes scared of asking him how he really feels because she’s not sure if she wants to know the answer.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “words can not express how much I miss my husband. We’ve only been separated for three weeks. But, if I had my way, we wouldn’t be separated at all. He says he needs some time away to evaluate his place in life and what he wants moving forward. I think that it is your typical mid-life crisis, but he denies this. When my husband and I talk now, he is all business. I will try to be affectionate and to tell him that I miss him and he won’t respond or will try to change the subject. So, that is discouraging. But, a couple of times when we have been together, he’s smiled at and touched me. So, I get mixed signals. There have been times when I was right on the verge of asking him if he missed me. But I can’t bring myself to do it because I’m afraid that he’s going to tell me that he doesn’t miss me at all. How will I know if he does? What behaviors should I look for?”

It can be tricky to determine if your spouse misses you in this situation because some spouses (particularly men) will keep their feelings close to their chest or they will feel (and therefore display) conflicting emotions. So, one day you might see him be receptive and one day you might see him being distant. Or, he may be so closed off that you don’t get any sense of what he is feeling at the time. But, there are some universal behaviors that you can look for which I will identify right now.

He’s At Least Somewhat Receptive To You When You See Or Reach Out To Him: As I said before, he will sometimes hold back on his feelings. Often, he doesn’t know what the future is going to hold. And, he knows that you are watching him closely so he will often try to keep these things to himself. But, often his mannerisms, facial expressions, and body language will often give him away. When you and he see one another in person and he first glances your way, does he smile or at least make pleasing eye contact when he first sees you? Does he try to casually touch you even if it is just a hand on your back? Does he always make eye contact and hold your gaze? Him being willing to really see you and vice versa shows a willingness to remain in the relationship.

Is He Interested In What You Are Doing And At Least Somewhat Open About What He Is Doing?: If your spouse misses you, he is bound to have questions about how you are spending your time. You might find him asking about your experience or even showing a little jealousy. And, he is likely to be forthcoming about how he spends his time, as long as you aren’t nagging him and as long as your tone isn’t accusatory when you ask. Also, it’s a good sign when he is the one reaching out to you. Likewise, it can be a bad habit to get into if you are the only one who is initiating the contact. If you find yourself in this situation, then it can make sense to back off a little bit to see if he will take the lead.

Mixed Signals Can Sometimes Be A Sign That He Misses You: Often, when people see negative behaviors from their spouse, they assume the worst. They think that he is distancing himself from them. They assume that he is being mean so that they will not try to get close to him. But, this can be a wrong assumption. Sometimes, what you are seeing is his frustration that he’s not feeling what he assumed that he might be. He may have assumed that he would feel better during the separation when in actually, he is feeling worse. He may have hoped that he would have been more strong emotionally. You may assume that you are seeing his anger at you. But, what you might be seeing is anger at himself.

Don’t be discouraged if you’re not seeing more encouraging behaviors just yet. Perhaps he needs more time and perhaps sometime soon, he will feel more comfortable being more transparent. Until then, I believe that the best strategy is to remain positive and receptive. Don’t nag him about what he’s feeling or try to make him feel guilty if he’s not behaving in the way that you had hoped. This is a confusing and emotionally taxing time for both of you, so it’s absolutely normal for him to have (and display) conflicting emotions right now. And it would be doubtful that he wouldn’t miss you at all after being together for as long as you have.

I missed my husband desperately when we were separated.  It often seemed that he didn’t feel the same way.  I hung in there though and we did eventually reconcile. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: “Giving a husband space” is a regular topic in the emails that I receive.  Many wives are on the receiving end of such a request from a husband who says he needs to “work out his feelings” or “time to sort things out.”  And I would have to say that many of the wives who hear this request have an overwhelmingly negative response.  Very few feel that this is a great idea or something that they want to do.  Most see “giving him space” as one of the more risky and painful options possible because there’s a real fear that the space is just the first step toward a divorce or break up.  And many worry that if they give him a taste of his freedom, he may decide that he really likes it and doesn’t want to come back.  So, in that way, the space would have actually made things worse.

I recently heard from a wife on my “save my marriage” blog who said, in part: ” my husband of five years told me last night that he’s not sure if he wants to be married anymore.  He said he wants some ‘space and time apart’ to decide what he wants to do.  But I know what he’s going to do when I give him this ‘space.’  He’s going to go out with his drunken friends, think that single life is so much fun, and want to leave me or get a divorce without a second glance.   My mother says I should give him the space because if I don’t, he’s probably going to divorce me anyway.  But I think that the second one of us moves out, the marriage is going to be over because he’s going to have an opportunity to experience single life and he’s going to like it.  I just keep thinking that giving him space is going to make things worse because it’s going to speed up the process.  Who is right?”

There’s no definitive answer here because any answer is really just a guess.  Without letting the scenario play out, there was really no way to know what the husband was going to think or do once the wife made a decision that set things into motion.  So, while I could not see into the future, I have gone through “giving space” in my own marriage and I’ve dialogued with many men and women over this very topic.  In the following article, I’ll offer some things to consider if your marriage is entering the “giving a husband space” phase and you’re afraid that it might make things worse.

A Husband’s Request For Space Doesn’t Always Mean He Will Eventually Pursue A Separation Or Divorce: It’s very understandable that this is going to be a wife’s greatest fear. After all, not many people would see a husband wanted to live or be away from his wife for a while as a good sign regarding the health or outcome of the marriage.  But, while this can and certainly often does mean that the marriage is having some struggles, it certainly doesn’t mean that it’s going to end.

I’ve seen countless couples (including myself) turn the situation around after one spouse wanted (and was given) space.  And I also firmly believe that not all men have divorce or splitting up on their mind when they do ask for space.  But, of those that do, some end up realizing that they miss their wife or that the single life or the loneliness that space brought about was not as great as they thought.  Sure, this doesn’t happen in every case.  And yes, sometimes you will have to encourage the process to play out exactly as you want it to, but it can be a real mistake to just assume that a husband who wants space really wants (and eventually is going to seek) a separation or divorce.  This just isn’t always the case.  And, even if it was, many wives are able to use this situation to their advantage to turn the marriage around.

Refusing To Give A Husband Space Can Be Just As Risky As Allowing It: I asked the wife in this situation how she intended to refuse her husband’s request.  She said she was just going to tell him that his idea was an awful one and that she refused the participate.  I didn’t know her husband personally, but I suspected that her husband wasn’t going to like that response all that much.  At least in my experience, very few men just accept this with a shrug of their shoulders.

Most will be very frustrated and may even feel as if you’re trying to thwart their happiness or the most basic of their wishes.  And, some will even associate this frustration with you.  Some husbands will think that in order to remove the frustration from their lives, they have to remove you also.  So what happens is the very thing that you’ve been trying to avoid all along – your husband pursues a separation or divorce in order to force the space that he’s requested.  Only this time, things are not so open ended anymore.

How To Avoid Making Things Worse When Your Husband Asks You To Give Him Space: I do understand the wife’s reluctance to agree to the time apart.  There’s always a risk involved either way.  I felt that risk in my own situation. No one who wants to save their marriage wants to willingly walk away.  But, I would argue that you don’t necessarily have to walk away.

Your first course of action could be trying to push for a compromise.  Perhaps you could give him a lot more leeway (at least for a little while) without him needing to move out.)  Or maybe you could be the one to leave since you could easily control when you came back.  Alternatively, you could push for an agreement as to when he might come back or when you might check in with and see one another.  In my experience, the worst thing that you can do is to leave things open ended.  You want to have as clear of an understanding as possible as to how things are going to work.  And, you want to make regular interaction a priority.

Finally, once (and if) your husband is taking his space, you can play it correctly so that you look more attractive rather than less attractive.  You don’t want to appear clingy, desperate, or needy.  Although it should be clear that you value your marriage and ultimately want to save it, there’s nothing wrong with taking full advantage of the space on your end.   Even if it’s not actually the case, you want for your husband to think that you are busy, that you are interacting with friends and family, and that you are handling things in a positive way because you’re confident that he will eventually learn what you already know – that you belong together and that you can work things out.

I absolutely understand where you are right now. A couple of years ago, my husband told me he wanted space.  It eventually became very obvious that I either had to give him that space or give him a divorce.  Unfortunately, I acted very badly during that time and my actions make our situation worse.  Eventually, it dawned on me that the tactics I was using to get him to want and love me again were not working. Luckily, I was able to change course and return the intimacy and affection. If it helps, you can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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By: Leslie Cane: Of all of the strategies that I’m asked about by wives attempting to lure their husbands back home, making him miss you so much that he can’t wait to return is the most common.  Wives often aren’t sure quite how to pull this off without appearing too desperate or obvious.  I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left about three weeks ago.  He said that he just wasn’t happy and he needed time to evaluate how he wants to proceed with our marriage.  Needless to say, I was heartbroken but no matter what I did or said, he indicated that he was leaving anyway and that there was no way to change his mind.  We do speak somewhat regularly.  He checks in with me, but he doesn’t give me any hints about what he is thinking.  And he never mentions coming home.  Frankly, this is what is most important to me.  I want him home where he belongs.  I also try to hint around to see if he will say that he misses me and wants to come home, but he never does.  How do I make him miss me more than he does? How do I make him miss me enough that he wants to come home.”

I had a definite and very strong opinion on this because I was in this exact situation and I felt very strongly that if I could make my separated husband miss me and yearn for me enough, he would finally come home.  But I found through my own experience that the harder I tried, the more he resisted.  I did eventually get him to miss me quite a bit, but it wasn’t until I almost gave up my very obvious plan that things turned around.  It’s my experience that actively trying to make him miss you will often accomplish just the opposite.  But taking a very unconventional approach often works much better.  I will explain more below.

Often, If It’s Obvious You’re Trying To Make Him Miss You, He Will Be Less Likely To Do So:  Many wives will do their best to make themselves appear attractive to their husband.  Some will even attempt to make him feel jealous or will hint that other men are trying to pursue them.  Still other wives will try to elicit guilt or they will make all sorts of promises as to what positive things he can expect if he just comes home.  The common denominator between all of these potentially failing plans is that the husband is very likely to know that he’s being manipulated.  As such, he is going to be tempted to doubt the validity of what you are trying to present to him.  And these doubts may well keep him from missing you all that much because he is confused as to what is real and what is not.

I know that this can be very frustrating.  And it can leave you wondering that if you’re not supposed to actively try to get him to miss you, then where does that leave you.  I’ll cover that topic now.

The Better Alternative.  How To Make Him Miss You While Not Making Your Plan Obvious: If you lean on him to see what he’s missing or are constantly asking him how he’s feeling about you, then you’re only assuring his resistance.  These questions make him uncomfortable so he may well think that it is in his best interest to avoid you.   And, while you may know that you shouldn’t try so hard, you often won’t be sure what you should do as an alliterative.  Well, it’s my experience that once you stop trying so hard, you will actually gain some ground.  As strange as it sounds, once you begin to live your life without the sense of desperation or panic that comes with making your sole focus getting him home, he will often notice this and eventually may miss you more than he might have if missing you was your sole focus.

I understand that this might not be what you want to hear.  But I would rather tell you something that will actually help you get him back home than something that sounds good but is essentially ineffective.  I literally had almost given up on my husband once he began to suddenly take notice.  And frankly, he began to take notice (and to miss me) because I suddenly backed away.  He could not help but notice that suddenly I was no longer constantly calling or asking about his feelings or wondering aloud how much he missed me.  I will very openly admit that this wasn’t my intention in the beginning.  It wasn’t a conscious or calculating plan.  I became so tired of not getting the results that I wanted that I took a break. And this is what made the difference.  Once I took that break, the silence had him questioning what I was up to.  And this is when he started to miss me.  Had I known that the end result would have been so easy, I would not have wasted all the time that I did.

So to answer the question posed, it’s my experience that the best way to get him to miss you and to want to come home is to not try so hard and so obviously to accomplish this.  Instead, live yourself.  Remain open to your husband.  Remain positive and friendly.  But don’t make your sole purpose in life to get him to miss you or to get him to come home.  Instead, make it clear that while you will be there when he comes to a decision, you no longer plan to put things on hold while you are waiting.  I know that this might sound counter-intuitive, but the success rate of this plan is much higher than more obvious plans.

As I said, I sort of lucked into this plan.  I spent months trying to get my husband home with no success whatsoever.  In fact, my attempts to get him home only made things worse between us.  It wasn’t until I took a break that he began to literally pursue me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands can’t or won’t be honest about his feelings toward the  marriage.  These husbands will sometimes claim that their feelings are conflicted and this usually makes the wife want to uncover his feelings that much more.  And wives can wonder if he’s legitimately confused or just using this as an excuse.

I heard from a wife who said: “our marriage has been in trouble for quite some time.  Over the last couple of months, there has been no real intimacy between us and when we are together, we just stare at one another awkwardly.  There isn’t really anything for us to talk about because we are really two very different people.    I finally got up my nerve and asked him if he was still committed and invested in my marriage.  He told me that he didn’t know because he was ‘confused.’   He said he didn’t know how he felt about me or our marriage anymore.  I told him that he would have to be more specific because I didn’t know what ‘confused’ really means.   He told me that there are some days when he wants to walk away from our marriage and some days when he thinks he wants to fight for it. I asked him which days are more frequent and he admitted that he has more days when he wants to walk away.  So what does this mean for us?  And how can I help him get past his confusion so he will work with me to save our marriage?” I have a definite opinion on this, as I dealt with it myself in my own marriage.  I will share it in the following article.

A Husband’s Confusion About Your Marriage Isn’t The Worst Outcome: I know that this isn’t an easy situation for you.  It hurts to hear your husband say that he isn’t sure about you and the marriage.  However, many wives are dealing with a husband who has no confusion, because he is sure that his marriage is over.  So while his confusion may be frustrating to you, at least he hasn’t made up his mind that the marriage is over.  At least he still has some positive thoughts about you and your marriage.  This gives you something to build upon and tells you that all is not lost.

Don’t Push Him Too Hard To “Get Over” His Confusion Before You Have Given Him The Time And Space To Do So: Of course you want for him to make up his mind as soon as possible.  And the chances are good that you want for him to decide that he still wants you and your marriage.  So, it can be very tempting to push in order to make this happen quickly.  Even if you don’t mean to, it’s easy to start to apply some pressure to get him to not only make up his mind quickly, but to make up his mind to include the decision that you prefer.

This type of pressure can actually hurt your chances of making your marriage work.  In my opinion and experience, you’re generally going to be much better off giving off the appearance of patience.  Even if  you don’t feel this patience, try to take a step back and make it appear as if you do.  You want for your husband to believe that you want him to be happy and you are willing to allow him to come to his own decisions.  Now, understand that he is going to be more likely to be committed to your and your marriage if you act in a positive way while he’s making up his mind.  I know that this can be very challenging when you know that there is a real chance that when the confusion ends, he may walk away.  But choose to focus on the positive because this gives you a better chance of getting the results you want.

What Does It Mean When He’s Confused About Your Marriage?: It often means that he’s having some conflicting feelings and he doesn’t know which are more real or valid.  Often, this “confusion” comes after you’ve had some struggles in your marriage, but this isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, husbands project other problems in their lives onto their marriage.  The good news is that eventually, many come to realize that their wife or their marriage truly wasn’t the problem.  However, even if you suspect this, it’s often not to your benefit to tell your husband that he’s wrong or being selfish.  If you allow him to figure this out on his own, that’s the best outcome.

Can You Pinpoint The Source Of His Confusion?: Sometimes, the reason that your husband is confused is obvious.  Sometimes, there are intimacy issues, another woman, or a certain conflict that just won’t go away.  If you know the source of the confusion, try to address it in a genuine and loving way.  When I say genuine, what I mean by that is that you don’t want it to  be obvious that you are just trying to clean up the problems quickly to end his confusion.  Instead, you want to make it clear that you are trying to solve your problem because you genuinely care about him and the marriage.

A Suggested Dialog: Instead of trying to strong arm your husband into making a quick decision that may be detrimental to you and your marriage, you might try something like: “I’m hurt to hear that you’re confused about our marriage.  My commitment is clear to me, but I understand that you might be struggling with some things right now.  I have no problem giving you the time and space that you need because I love you and I want to save our marriage.  If you can give me some feedback as to what might be the main source of your confusion, I’d be more than happy to work with you to resolve any issues so that the answer might be a little more clear.”

Notice that in this conversation, you never told him his confusion was a stall tactic or was not genuine.  And you never questioned his sincerity.   It should be a given that you respect and accept his feelings.  If you disagree with him or try to strong arm him into hurrying up and making up his mind, the implication is that your peace of mind matters more than his and you never want to give off this impression when your very marriage is at stake.

My husband’s confusion about our marriage lead to a separation because I didn’t handle it in the right way.  I didn’t take him seriously enough and he eventually wanted time on his own to evaluate his confusion.  Only taking him seriously until after the separation was a huge mistake that almost costs me my marriage.  Eventually though, I changed course and was able to save it.  If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I often hear from people (usually wives) who are going through a separation (or considering one) and want the whole process to be over as soon as possible so that they can save their marriages.  Many agreed to the separation because they saw no other way.  It was clear that their husband was dead set on the separation so they figured this was better than a divorce. But now, they are in a situation where they need a plan to end the separation and save their marriage.

I completely understand how this feels as I was in the same situation once upon a time and I remember it as one of the worse times in my life.  And, because of my blog, I hear from people in this situation on an almost daily basis.  So I believe I have a good handle on what works and what doesn’t during the separation.  In the following article, I’ll be covering what I think are the dos and don’ts while you are separated – or those things you definitely should and should not do when you’re trying to save your marriage during a separation.

Do Not Bug Your Spouse Too Much:  Give The “Time Apart” The Chance To Work:  I know that it feels very scary when you’re away from your spouse.  You worry that they’re moving further away from you if they’re happier being separated and may eventually want a divorce.

So you can feel “under the gun” so to speak to do something fast.  And you worry that the phrase “out of sight out of mind” is indeed true, so if you’re not in contact with them constantly, then you’re really losing some ground.

But if you contact them or are “in touch” too much, then you really run the risk of annoying them.  More than that, you miss out on the chance to have them miss you, long for you, and remember you in a positive way.  If you are calling, texting, or “checking up” too much, then he may well think of you in a negative way when he’s evaluating you and the marriage and wondering what he wants to happen with the separation.

Don’t “Ignore Your Spouse” During The Separation:  This leads me to my next point.  There’s a lot of advice out there that tells you that you should ignore your spouse, pretend that you don’t care, or make them think that you’re having the time of your life or going out with someone else.

I DO advocate creating some mystery and painting yourself in the best possible light.  You want them to think that you are keeping busy and handling your life just fine. However, people take this too far.  If you’re trying to make your spouse feel like you can turn your feelings on and on at the drop of a hat or that the commitment to your marriage is something that is fleeting, you’re likely sending the wrong message.  And frankly, this message might make your spouse follow your lead and shut you out.  This isn’t what you want.

Don’t Place All Of Your Focus On Changing His Mind About The Separation Or Getting Him To End The Separation Before He’s Ready To Do So:  I completely get that you want the separation over as soon as possible.   But if you’re constantly pressuring him and he’s not ready to make a decision, he’ll either be annoyed or more inclined to make a decision that you wouldn’t like.

Instead, you should focus on improving your relationship – and appear not to worry about where that leads.  Notice I said “appear?”  This is important.  You want him to know that what and who you really care about is him, his happiness, and your happiness as a couple.  OK, so maybe your relationship is going to evolve.  (Your plan is that it’s not going to but he doesn’t have to know that.)

Your whole message should be that you’re respecting his needs, but you want to maintain the relationship, no matter what definition that might take at the time.

DO Make Him Think You Are Coping Just Fine During The Separation:  Always remember the things that are attractive to your spouse.  Someone who is so filled with fear and a lack of confidence that they’re not willing to give their spouse the time to miss them is not considered attractive to many.

Sure, you might get his pity, but this strategy won’t likely give you his desire.  You need his desire.  You need him to want you again. This can’t happen if you’re a mess.

I know that maybe you can’t help how you’re feeling.  And there’s nothing wrong with acting on those feelings if he can’t see you.  But when he does see you, then you need to present yourself as someone who is coping just fine.  Of course, you don’t want to pretend like you are happier without him.  But you don’t want to make him think that you are coping, partly because you are confident that things will work out the way that they are supposed to.  I know this is a delicate dance and I messed it up during my separation so badly at times.   But if you always ask yourself how you are being portrayed, this can help.

Show Him A Woman Who Is Easy To Fall Back In Love With (Hint: He Already Knows Her Very Well🙂  You actually have an advantage very close by that you don’t even realize.  You know what it takes to make this man fall in love.  You have accomplished this once.  Do not lose your confidence now when you need it the most.

If you know he loves that fun-loving, happy go luck part of you, then you have to bring that forth when you see him, even if it’s so difficult.  I know it may feel like you’re playing a game sometimes.  But this is your life and your marriage.  You do what you have to do to get it back.  And you’re much more likely to get it back if you focus on the positive.  Bringing about positive feelings draws him to you.  Negative feelings will do the opposite.

You can do this.  I know you’re separated.  But a separation doesn’t have to mean a divorce.  Separated people get back together every day.  I did.  People who email me did.  Stay positive.  Have a plan and stay the course.

You can read about how this played out in my own life (and how I lucked into doing right finally.  On my blog on http://isavedmymarriage.com.  And, if you haven’t watched T Dub Jackson’s free save your relationship video on this topic, it’s excellent. I agree with a lot of his points.

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who wish that they could read their husband’s mind during a marital separation.   Often, he’s not being very transparent about his thought process and this is very frustrating for wives.

Common comments are something like: “my husband and I have been separated for a couple of months, but he’s not very forthcoming about what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling.   Some days, he is receptive to me and some days, he’s not.  So I can’t tell if he’s feeling particularly loving toward me or if he’s feeling like he might want to move back in and try to save our marriage.  When I ask him what he’s feeling or experiencing, he tells me that he thinks different things at different times and that, when he comes to a decision, he will share it with me.  This is breaking my heart.  I have no problem telling him how I feel.  Why can’t he do the same?  What do husbands think about while they are separated from their wives?”  I’ll try to answer these questions as best as I can in the following article.

Many Men Have Very Varied And Conflicted Thoughts During The Separation (Especially In The Beginning.) Obviously, I’m not a man who is going through a separation.  But I do dialog with many of them on my blog.   And many share a good deal of varied and conflicting feeling.  On day, they may miss their wife and wonder if maybe they should return home and put everything into saving their marriage.  And then the next day, they might actually enjoy feeling single or feel overwhelmed by all of your marital problems.    So, some of them are telling you the truth when they admit their they feelings can swing from one extreme to the other.

To be honest, these swinging feelings are sometimes nothing new.  In fact, many men want the separation as a way to sort out these fluctuating feelings.  The hope is that once they have some distance from their wife and their marriage, it will be easier for them to tell which feelings are the most sincere and frequent.  This doesn’t always become evident in the beginning of the process.  Many men feel a good deal of guilt about leaving and many find that they miss their wives more than they suspected that they would.

On the flip side of the coin, some men do find that they like the single life.  This can particularly be true if your marriage was a volatile one in which there was always a lot of conflict or fighting.  Sometimes, once they have a little peace and quiet, they find that they like it and they begin to lean toward making the separation more permanent or they consider pursuing a divorce.  Also, some husbands meet someone else during the separation and some of them can feel that it’s easier to just start over with someone new than to revive a marriage that might be damaged beyond repair.

Of course, I have no way of knowing what your own husband is thinking right now.   He may fall into either of these categories or neither one.  He may even be somewhere in the middle. Sometimes, he will give you little hints along the way. And other times, he might contradict himself, which I’ll discuss right now.

Tips For Deciphering Your Husband’s Hints As To What He Might Be Thinking During The Separation: As I alluded to, it’s important to understand that your husband might be experiencing a lot of different types of feelings.  That’s why you might be getting some mixed signals.  In general though, if he is receptive to seeing you on regular basis and things are going well when you are together, then you can reasonably sure that his thoughts about you or the marriage are positive.  But if he’s putting off spending time with you or always seems to be making excuses to avoid you, then the chances are good that there are some negative thoughts or doubts going through his mind.  And, if you’re seeing a combination of the two (which isn’t at all uncommon) then he’s probably experiencing those fluctuating feelings we’re been talking about.

Insights For Trying To Make Sure His Feelings Are As Positive As Possible During Your Separation: You can’t control your husband’s thoughts and feelings.  But you can attempt to set it up so that you have the best chance of him thinking positively of you.  Every time that you speak to one another or are together, try to be as cheerful as you possibly can.  Try to make sure that the time you spend together is pleasurable for both of you.  And, this might include not leaning on him about his feelings.  If he wants to share them, that’s great.  But if he’s reluctant to do so, don’t push too hard because if you do, then he might hesitate to spend time with you as often.   By being approachable and agreeable,  you decrease the odds that his feelings are negative ones and increase the chances that they are positive.

So to answer the question posed, men have varying feelings while they are separated from you.  But it is to your benefit to try to set up the circumstances that encourage positive thoughts and experiences.  It’s in your best interest to worry more about setting up positive circumstances and interactions instead of continuing to pressure him or question him about feelings about which he may changing anyway.

I do understand where you are because I constantly bugged my own husband about his feelings when we were separated.  I just could not help myself.   I needed to know if my marriage even stood a chance.  Unfortunately, my pestering him too much made him want to avoid me.  And so I had a much harder time saving our marriage in the end.  It wasn’t until I realized my mistake that I began to turn things around.  If it helps, you can read about the strategies that actually worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people want to save their marriages at all costs. No matter how bad things may get, they believe that marriage is forever, and they’re willing to do whatever it takes to stick it out. It’s an admirable way to think, and one that might even work – if you had a spouse who agreed with this thinking.

Unfortunately, many of us have spouses who completely disagree and who believe that when a marriage is beginning to crumble, you should separate or divorce. They believe that there is no reason to continue when the end is seemingly near.

A wife who believes in saving her marriage at all costs might say, “My parents didn’t always have the perfect marriage. They certainly fought at times, but they were married for over 70 years until one of them passed away, and then the other was devastated. Sometimes, when my father angered my mother, she would complain about him. And I would ask her why she stayed. And she would tell me that if you want to leave your marriage, you need to ‘earn your way out.’ When I asked her what she meant by that, she said that you had to do everything in your power to make it work, for however long that took, until there wasn’t one thing left that you could try. I often think about my mother’s words when dealing with my husband and our struggling marriage. He wants to move out. He wants to separate and potentially divorce. I’m not denying that we have real issues. We do. But we haven’t tried everything. We haven’t even been trying that long. I’ve told my husband what my mother said about earning your way out, and he said my parents had a terrible marriage and if I think he’s going to accept that kind of marriage, I am mistaken. I disagree about their marriage, but I can’t get him to budge on trying other things before he walks out. I think he’s going to leave any day. What can I do?”

Know What is Possible and What is Not: As someone who tried every trick in the book to get her husband not to leave, I can share some things I wish I’d done and some mistakes I made. Looking back on it now, I don’t believe you can “make” your husband see things your way no matter how hard you try. Pushing him while trying will often make things worse. I do believe, however, that you can act in a calm, logical, and cordial way that is conducive to him listening to reason (which I unfortunately didn’t do.) But that doesn’t always mean he’ll change his mind.

However, there is no harm in trying. Just don’t insinuate that he’s stupid, stubborn, or asking too much when he doesn’t see it your way because that will just cause him to dig in that much more. 

Offer Him Concessions:  People who “earn their way out” often do so because they successfully negotiate. You don’t have to tell your husband this is what you are doing when you try it. But perhaps you can offer to move into another bedroom in your home or you can offer to stay with friends for a little while. This concession gives him a bit of room but means he doesn’t have to actually leave. It can be harder to get him to come back than it is to just get him to stay with space and privacy. 

Another thing that I have seen work is to ask him to work with you just once per week or a couple of times per month. You could suggest counseling, getting together, or working through self-help for whatever amount of time he is comfortable with and then make the deal with him that you won’t harp on your issues except during those sessions. That way, he has an incentive to actually work with you during those designated times, and you might make some progress. This relieves some of the pressure sometimes.

His Not Doing The Work Doesn’t Mean That You Can’t:  I can’t predict if your husband will stay or go. I hope he stays. But if he goes, that doesn’t mean that you still can’t work on “earning” your way. There is often plenty of self-work that we can do on ourselves. There are plenty of places we might look objectively and see where we made mistakes that may be fixed now. You can also go to counseling or do self-help even if he won’t.

Don’t panic and don’t beat yourself up. Separations or divorces don’t happen overnight. You have some time. Things can and do change. There were times during my own separation when I was sure I had no chance to speak of, and yet, I did – eventually.

Sometimes, just hanging in there and coming back to try again another day is half of the battle. Sometimes not giving up is the victory that you need.  

Your husband’s decision of what to do about your marriage is ultimately his. But your decision about how you are going to react to that and what you’re going to do about your marriage right now is ultimately yours. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do and vice versa.

Take good care of yourself and try to make this time work for you. Become stronger. Become better, so that when he checks in with you, he is pleasantly surprised by who – and what – he finds. Don’t give into despair and act as if you’ve already lost. That isn’t attractive and won’t help your cause. Hold your head high and get to work. You can still “earn your way” and he may eventually join you if you play your cards right. 

It took me way too long to embrace this attitude, but once I did, things changed.  You can read the whole story at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are trying to come up with the best strategies for dealing with their spouse during a marital separation.  The goal is to make their spouse want to come back to them and to be willing to save the marriage.  To that end, one suggestion that is often given is to “ignore your spouse” or to use “reverse psychology” to make them more than willing to come back.

And I can see why this strategy seems attractive.  Basically, if it works, you don’t have to do much of anything (but a good acting job) and they will enthusiastically and willingly do exactly what you hoped all along.  But it’s my experience that this strategy doesn’t always work out this way.  I’ll discuss some of the risks to this strategy (and tell you one I think works better) in the following article.

Why I Think That Ignoring Your Spouse During The Separation Isn’t Always The Best Idea:  First of all, I don’t know many people who can completely pull this off.  Unless you are an award-winning actor or actress, it can be very hard to make this convincing.  (And if your spouse sees through this, they will quickly lose respect for you.) The truth is, your spouse likely knows you better (and can read you more accurately) than anyone else.  It’s highly unlikely that they won’t see through this.

And even if they buy your act, do you really want for your spouse to think that you care so little for them and your marriage that your response is to just ignore them?  I am all for using some strategy to get your spouse back during a separation, but posturing to portray something that is the complete opposite of what you really feel (and what you really want) is in my opinion not only risky, but not the best call.

There are also a lot of risks associated with this strategy.  If you chose to ignore your spouse, you are hoping that they won’t be so hurt or put off by this that they will actually pursue you.  Depending on the personality and motivations of your spouse, this may or may not work.  But, your spouse might be hurt or frustrated and respond by trying to move on or see other people.  And, even if it does work, your spouse may eventually harbor some resentment for being manipulated.

I Agree That Sometimes Strategic Planning Is Needed During A Separation.  Here’s A Strategy That I Think Is Better Than Ignoring Your Spouse:  One of the main ideas behind ignoring your spouse is that by not being there constantly or by not making yourself completely available to them, you will seem more attractive (and they will want you more) as a result.  I completely agree with the strategy of creating mystery and it actually ended up working for me.  But, there’s a big difference between creating mystery and completely ignoring the person you are trying to get back.

I think there’s actually a delicate dance between staying in touch and showing that you care while not being constantly available or completely transparent.  I advocate communicating and interacting with your spouse on a regular basis while you are separated.  With that said, I believe you should be very deliberate and conscious of what cards you are playing while you are doing this.

What I mean by this is that you always want for your spouse to know that you care deeply about them and the marriage.  I think it’s even sometimes OK for them to know that you’d like to save the marriage.  But, at the same time, you also want it to be clear that you care enough about yourself to remain busy and vibrant and that you are not be hanging on your spouse’s every word or whim.

It can actually help your cause if your spouse wonders where you are or why you occasionally don’t answer their call on the first ring.  Does this mean that you are ignoring them?  Absolutely not.  You’re simply giving the impression that you’re also living your own life during the separation.  This will usually make you seem more attractive than someone who is anxiously awaiting your spouse’s call or text.

I think it’s perfectly fine to limit or time your availability just to make it appear that you are handling yourself just fine.  However, you don’t want to take this to extremes.  It shows a lack of respect toward your spouse and it’s dishonest in a way that (at least in my opinion) posturing is not.  To me, there’s a difference between a strategy that places you in the best light and a strategy that is dishonest and downright risky.

During my separation, my leaving town and getting away for a while was a turning point that actually improved things.  But I didn’t do this in an attempt to ignore my husband.  I did this because I wanted and needed the support of my family and friends.  My husband knew where I was and I checked in with him from time to time.  But the mystery and distance this created did help.

So, while I think there is some validity to backing off slightly and being very deliberate with your interactions during your separation, I don’t advocate making yourself completely unavailable unless you just don’t want to interact with your spouse at all or you don’t care how they perceive or react to this.

I understand that this strategy is likely one of many that has been suggested to you.  And you’ll have to take your marriage and your spouse into account when you decide how you want to play this.  But it’s my opinion that you always want to remain true to your heart and not go to extremes or take huge risks that might actually backfire if what you really want is to get your spouse back rather than alienate them.

As I alluded to, I did use strategy to save my marriage during my separation, but I didn’t take it to extremes and I didn’t completely ignore my husband.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog here.

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