When Your Spouse Tells You That He Wants Out (But You Want to Save the Marriage)

By: Leslie Cane: To this day, several years later, I still get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I remember back to the day that my husband sat me down and told me that he “wanted out.” Yes, there were plenty of warning signs that I either ignored or justified, but the feelings of shock, helplessness, and despair have not been forgotten.

Being told that your husband wants out can change life as you know it and will compromise your place and power in the marriage. This is a very difficult situation to navigate. In a sense, you’ve lost your footing, he’s likely made up his mind and is hesitant to listen to you, and you’ll also likely have less access to him with which to work.

So, without a doubt, you’re the odd man out and are the one on the opposite side of the fence looking in. This feels like an awful and desperate situation — and it’s all too easy to allow this scenario to make you feel petrified, desperate, and angry. These feelings can sometimes cloud your judgments or drive actions that are only going to make the situation worse. Certainly, you’re navigating a slippery slope, but know too that all hope is not lost.

You can turn this situation around if you play your cards right. You just need to understand the reality of the situation to take action to genuinely change things, which I will discuss below.

No Matter What Your Husband Says, There Is One Reason He Wants Out: Husbands and married couples will often offer up so many external reasons that the marriage is ending. Sex, money problems, infidelity, and “falling out of love” top the list. These things ARE symptoms of what is going on underneath the surface. But, the real core of the problem is almost always that intimacy, empathy, and affection have been diminished or lost.

Think about this. A couple who just got married and are deeply in love will likely easily work through and quickly brush off problems similar to what you are struggling with now. People who are deeply committed and deeply in love see no reason to ruin a great thing with drama and fighting. They’d rather concentrate on generating more of the good feelings between them.

So, in reality, your first goal is to restore feelings of compassion, affection, commitment, and empathy. This sounds like a tall order, I know. But, think back to what created these feelings in the first place, which brings me to…..

Focusing On What Remains Rather Than On What Is Missing: Speaking of remembering the initial feelings between you, I want you to think about what generated them. Of course, this is individual with every couple, and some people will make the mistake of answering “chemistry” or “passion,” but take a look at the lasting attributes and you’ll often find that the amount of attention, care, and nurturing that you put in the relationship was reflected back in its intensity.

You used to care deeply about his happiness, how his day went, how you could lighten his load or brighten his day, and you probably talked easily for hours and deeply understood what drove and motivated the other. All of these things take time and commitment to work, but the result is outstanding.

But, as our obligations ratchet up their place in our lives, providing this kind of attention and care becomes more and more challenging. We know that our spouses see our struggles and understand this, but this doesn’t diminish this neglect’s effect on our marriage. I don’t tell you this to place any blame. Instead, I want you to see clearly that what you have on your hands is a lack of bonded intimacy which was built on a lack of time time, and attention, in most cases.

The good news about this is that if you can change course knowing what you know now, it can have a lasting difference. However, I know that you may be thinking “Well, it’s too late now. He wants out, so this is too little, too late.” Not so fast. You’re both still present and one of you is willing to do the work necessary to save the marriage. In truth, that’s all that is required, so let’s get to turning this boat around.

Getting A Second Chance Even Though He Wants Out: Let’s not even question the fact that he wants out. It’s a given even though it’s probably based on the incorrect notion that it’s too late to change things in your marriage (it’s not too late.) So, don’t make the mistake of trying to debate with him, change his mind, or tell him why he is wrong. This is only going to create animosity and encourage him to dig in his heels.

Instead, tell him that he is right. That there are serious problems in the marriage and you understand his wanting to distance himself from the situation. Tell him that he knows you’d like to save the marriage, but you can only control your own feelings and actions. 

So, from this day on, you’re only going to focus on creating positive interactions between you. After all, you both deserve to be happy and you know that the two of you can get along fabulously, even if you part as friends. Moreover, it bothers you that two people who loved each other very much are now so distant. So, divorce or no divorce, you’re just going to work on getting along and being on your best behavior so that you can both be proud of the way this went down.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking this is just letting him win. It’s truly not. It’s disarming him so that you can start to have more access and his neutral attention. It’s calling a truce so that once the tension calms down, you have access to the negotiating table.

However, there are several things you must remember with this plan. First, you have to always behave as you promised you were going to. Second, you must always portray the best version of yourself – you want your husband to see the woman he first fell in love with. So, you’re going to get dressed up, put a smile on your face, and put yourself out there as a strong, upbeat, exciting woman who respects herself enough to stand tall.

Finally, this plan almost always works as planned if you play it correctly. But, the biggest mistake that causes it to come crashing down is a wife who moves too fast. A common scenario is that the husband begins to become intrigued and responsive and then you tip your hand by then getting all excited and wanting reassurance and commitment. Understand that you need to move at a snail’s pace here.

You want your husband to be the one who is wanting more. So don’t display a woman who is ultimately just trying to trick him into a commitment again. Really take the time to, little by little, continue to generate positive feelings and experiences and watch as your relationship slowly rebounds over time, so that eventually you are back on solid ground with both of you fully committed, without feeling resentment or that one of you has tricked the other.

How do I know all this? Because I have lived it. I had to use the same methods to save my own marriage. I made a lot of mistakes at first that almost cost me dearly, but I was able to change course. Luckily, over time (and by taking slow, calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and prevent the divorce, even though I was the only one who wanted to at the time. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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What to Do If Your Spouse Wants to Move Out? Steps To Take When You Want Him Back

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are in a panic that their spouse is going to (or wants to) move out. Other than actually getting served with divorce papers, this is the scenario that strikes the most fear into your heart. It’s completely understandable to think that moving out is the beginning of the end of the marriage. And, it’s normal to worry that once your spouse moves out, you’ll no longer have access to them to work things out, or that they’ll start seeing other people, or worse, that they’ll actually like being on their own.

Many of the folks who write me want a concrete plan to keep their spouse home. Several things can work, but they often don’t feel intuitive and they require a leap of faith, confidence, and a quiet calm. But, they very often work if you pull them off correctly. I’ll describe them in the following article (and also tell you the strategies and tactics to avoid because they just don’t work and only push your spouse further away.)

What Not To Do When You Try To Convince Your Spouse Not To Move Out: Before I tell you the things that you should do, I’d like to first cover what you absolutely should not do. The problem with these little mistakes is that they feel like the right thing to do at the time. Emotions run high and cause you to feel like you absolutely must have a resolution right away. And, so often you will act first and think later. It’s so important that you get control over this cycle because it will force you to do things that not only will you regret, but it’s also quite common that your spouse will continue to limit his access to you because of this behavior. So, don’t give ultimatums. Don’t tell your spouse that they are mistaken or wrong. Don’t try to make them feel guilty or sorry for you. Don’t use your children as a bargaining tool or make threats. In short, don’t participate in any behaviors that are going to paint you in a not-so-flattering light.

Obviously, if you want to save your marriage, you’re going to need your spouse to change his opinion of you from negative to positive. And piling on negative emotions or actions is only going to swing the pendulum into negative territory. So, change course and concentrate on only positive behaviors that are going to make him spend more time with you, not less.

Agreeing And Offering An Alternative To Moving Out (Your Spouse Can Have Their Space Without Actually Leaving): The first thing that you’re going to need to do is to validate your spouse. The worst mistake that you can make is to imply or flat-out say that they are wrong or that they are misinterpreting the situation. This puts you on opposite sides, which is definitely not where you want to be. So, you need to agree that the marriage is not going well, is flawed, and needs to change drastically for both of your sakes. Agree that you both deserve happiness and fulfillment. Agree that a break may put things in perspective and give you the distance that you need. However, propose that the distance occurs without your spouse actually moving out.

Alternatives are suggesting that he stay with friends or family for a while, that he bunk in another room of your home, or that you make yourself scarce (and possibly stay with friends) for a short period. I understand that none of these options may seem appealing right now, but they work because you’re offering to help him get what he wants, but you’re stalling his actually moving out. Of course, when he takes you up on this, you have to make good on your promise to give him his space. Don’t cross the line and bombard him with pleas to save the marriage or to resolve things immediately. Sometimes, distance and time are actually a good thing because it eases the tension, puts things in perspective, and allows him the time to miss you.

Putting Your Best Foot Forward During The Break: No matter whether he moves out or not, you’ll need to make some changes in how you are being perceived. Obviously, if he wants to move out, he sees you in a negative rather than positive light right now. You need to change this as quickly as you can. The whole idea here is for him to realize that his perception, and his reaction to it, are absolutely wrong.

So, you’ll need to take an honest look at the qualities he loves most about you and make sure that he knows that you still have them. If he loves your sense of humor, then you need to amplify it right now. If intimacy has gone astray, you need to show him that you still value, understand, and appreciate him. He needs to be able to see that the two people who fell in love are still players in this game, that he doesn’t have to go it alone, and that he’s better off with you than without you.

I know that this can seem like a tall order when you’re so far apart or when he’s no longer accessible. But, understand that there will come a time when the two of you will communicate, and when that happens, you want to appear to be the light-hearted, happy, busy, open, and confident person that you are. You’re showing him a woman who wants to save her marriage, but who has enough self-worth to keep doing the things that make her happy and better. Of course, that includes him and you’re trying your best to bring him back into the loop, but you aren’t exhibiting negative behaviors and you aren’t playing games to manipulate him, only so you can go back to the broken things that are dissatisfying to you both. No, you’re taking the high road and conducting yourself with grace and you’re confident that the space apart will allow him to see that he misses these things and you.

When my husband wanted to move out, I did not understand these principles and I went about changing his mind in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read more of that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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When Only One Spouse Wants a Divorce – Tips and Advice That May Help

By: Leslie Cane: It’s a rare occurrence that both parties are equally on board with a divorce on the horizon. It’s also rare that both parties are at peace with the decision, sure that it is the right or best thing to do. Usually, one of the spouses would like very much to save the marriage and has nagging doubts that this very permanent solution is the right one. If you’ve found this article, I’m going to assume that you’re the spouse who doesn’t want the divorce but is at a crossroads as to what is the best course of action to take. From my research and personal experience, I believe that there is a definitive right way and wrong way to save your marriage when you’re the only one who wants to. I’ll go over both tactics (right and wrong) in the following article.

What Not To Do When You’re The Spouse Who Doesn’t Want The Divorce: I understand how you are feeling right now. You’re alone in your quest to save this marriage. And, you’re scared of doing or saying the wrong thing for fear that you are going to make the situation worse. Still, you know that you have to do something and you feel like you should do it very quickly. It’s easy to feel like time is quickly slipping away and fear that you must take immediate action. Unfortunately, these concerns can drive you to make decisions that are based on negative emotions like fear and panic. A level head is needed here and engaging in behaviors like trying to negotiate, desperately pleading for second chances, threatening, engaging, belittling, or debating only makes your spouse think that they want the divorce to happen that much faster.

Another tactic (and mistake) that I see people make is that they flat-out tell their spouses that they will not grant a divorce, no matter what. They promise to stall, to not sign papers, or to have their lawyers do everything in their power to stop or delay the divorce. I understand that they are doing this in an attempt to stop this downward slide, but it’s so important to understand that this behavior is not endearing you to your spouse. In fact, it’s only pushing him (or her) further away and will ultimately make reconciliation much less likely.

The Best Tactic To Take When You Don’t Want A Divorce: The first thing that you need to understand is that your first course of action should be to restore positive interactions between you. What you don’t want is for your spouse to run or close themselves off every time they see you. You really need to restore open and calm communication. Don’t allow for the negative connotations and interactions to continue. You may need to spell this out for your spouse and come right out and say that although you know that you disagree that a divorce is the best course, you can both agree that the interactions between you need a drastic improvement. Explain that you can’t control whether the marriage ultimately ends, but what you can control is your own behavior and your own actions. Make it very clear that the fact that the two of you are so far apart is upsetting to you because no matter what happens, your husband is an integral part of your life – and you want to maintain a good relationship – even if the marriage ends.

So, you’re going to do your part by not engaging in behaviors that run counter to this. You’re going to conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of, and you realize that your husband deserves to be happy and is committed to making this happen. Have you just given in? Not really. It appears that you have, but what you’ve really done is disarmed your husband and set a much more positive tone. He may not believe in your sincerity at first, but this is OK. Because you’re going to show him that you are serious with your actions and not your words. You’re going to think before you engage in things that will have a negative result and you’re going to focus on what will bring about the positive things you really want.

Understanding Why The Divorce Is Happening: No matter what the reason that you think you’re facing this divorce, understand that almost everything comes down to a lack of intimacy and a feeling of closeness. Infidelity, stress, fighting, and money problems all have at their core the fact that both parties feel like individuals on their own rather than as part of a united team. Once one or both of the partners stop feeling affection, empathy, and connectedness, every other small issue becomes magnified. Things that would be brushed over quickly before now become a big deal and escalate into a deal breaker. It’s so important that you restore positive feelings between you before you do anything else.

To this end, it’s very important that you take an honest look at your reality today. How far away from you from the woman (or man) that your spouse first fell in love with? I don’t mean looks or youth. I mean your easy laugh, your undivided attention, and your freely giving of yourself. So many people tell me that they feel like an island in their own home. The same spouse who used to listen intently when they talked or looked for ways to show affection or appreciation, no longer has more than a passing second for them. So many of us show strangers in the grocery store line more kindness than we show our own family. This doesn’t make us bad people. It makes us normal. We take for granted that our spouses know that we value and love them, but this assumes that they can read our minds (they can’t.)

In truth, everyone wants the same thing in their marriage. They want your time. They want your affection. They want your understanding. They want to feel like you know and understand them better than anyone else but love them passionately anyway. Always remember this when you interact with them. Because underneath all the talks of divorce is a person who is very disappointed that the person they both loved deeply is no longer there. Your job is to show your spouse that you are still there and that you can still be the person who used to fulfill them in every way. (In turn, as they become happier and more fulfilled, they will return the favor and give this back to you.)

When my husband wanted a divorce,(but I desperately wanted to save the marriage), I did not understand these principles and I went about changing his mind in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read my very personal story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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How Can I Get My Husband to Want Me Again? This Advice and These Tips May Help

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from many wives who tell me that their marriages have grown cold, that their husband withdraws attention or no longer show them any affection. In short, I often hear phrases like “he doesn’t want me anymore and I don’t know what to do,” or “How can I make him want me again because right now he just ignores me?” I often get descriptions of a scenario where the couple is more like arguing roommates than husband and wife. But, I also often find that many women will go about getting their husbands to “want” them again in a way that only pushes them further away. I’ll tell you why this often doesn’t work (and what I think works much better) in the following article.

Why You May Feel That Your Husband Doesn’t Want You: I’ll often ask wives to tell me what their gut is telling them about why their husband is distancing him. I often get responses like “he’s very stressed at work,” or “we’re fighting about money,” or “I’ve put on some weight,” or “I’m afraid he’s having an affair.” And, all of these things may well be contributing factors. But, at their core, they all have important issues in common. They all stem from two things: a breakdown in communication and a breakdown in intimacy.

This sounds simplistic, I know, but it is true. If you think back to when you were first dating or married and had a very strong bond, likely, first, intimacy and communication weren’t problems. But second, if these things did spring up, they were dealt with promptly. People who are deeply in love don’t let things fester or smolder. They don’t want anything to interfere with the great thing that they have going. So, you will need to get back to this place. Once you do, the desire and intimacy will naturally follow.

Where Wives Go Wrong When They Try To Bring The Passion Back: I’ve noticed that in this situation, there are generally two paths that are taken, and both have flaws. First, a wife will likely try too hard. It will be very obvious that your actions are all for show and are not typical. Men hate to be manipulated and they hate game-playing. So, if you never initiate intimacy but are suddenly all over them, they may not resist, but in the back of their minds, they’re going to know that you’re playing them and they’re going to put a wall up. The truth is, that desperation and neediness are not typically attractive. If your husband began doing the same to you, would you really, deep down be receptive? Would it change your opinion? Maybe short term, but there’s a better way because you are in this for the long haul.

The other tactic that I see wives taking is that they sort of take the stance of “well, two can play at that game,” so they will retreat too, hoping to give the husband a taste of his own medicine so that he sees how hurtful this behavior is. Then what you have are two people who are even further apart, and intimacy is now becoming even more awkward and forced. This only makes your job harder in the end.

The Best Way To Get Your Husband To Want You Again: I’ve alluded to this throughout the entire article, but now I’m going to say it straight out. You can’t “make” your husband want you again. No one likes to be “made” to do something. This only creates resentment and they become even more determined and distant. The best thing for you to do is act in such a way that he’s going to come around all on his own because something has made him want to.

How do we do this? Well, you’re in a better position than you may think. You’re husband has already fallen deep in love with you once before. So, you’ve already pulled off what you’re only going to repeat now. You know what your husband first loved about you. And, I can tell you with a great deal of certainty that men want what we want. They want to feel loved. They want to feel desired. And, they want you to be their safe, pleasurable place outside of all the pressures that they face.

I’m sure that some may be saying “Yes, but life has changed. We’re not the same people. We have responsibilities.” Yes, this is true, of course. But, that doesn’t mean that you can’t make the effort to reintroduce your husband to the woman who first made him very happy. The one with the easy laugh and his undivided attention and the one who wasn’t distracted when they were together. The one who he had more fun with than anyone in the world.

Right now, your first priority should be creating positive interactions and experiences. But, these should be lighthearted and fun. Don’t put too much pressure into this equation by talking your problems to death. There will be time for that later when you’re both committed and in a better place. For now, you need to take it one day at a time. You need to have light-hearted fun and laughs. You both need to realize that the two people who fell in love are still right there, underneath all of the day-to-day stress. If you can do this, I promise you the desire and the passion will follow. 

When it became obvious that my husband no longer wanted me and had checked out, I did not understand these principles and I went about changing his mind in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband is Depressed and Wants to End Our Marriage. What Should I Do When I Want To Save It? Tips and Advice to Help

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel pretty sure that their husbands’ mental health is contributing to their wanting to end the marriage. These women sometimes tell me that their husbands are dealing with depression, anxiety, and/or loss, and they feel very strongly that these things are greatly contributing to their husband’s wanting out. Of course, the husband usually does not agree.

He will sometimes feel that his depression is the direct result of the marital issues. Or sometimes he will take the other side of the coin and tell you that one thing has nothing whatsoever to do with the other. And of course, the wives have a hard time buying this. I often hear things like “he just can not see that his depression and his negative outlook are clouding his perceptions of everything in his life – including our marriage.”

And, the wife is often quite right about this. But the problem is that being right doesn’t matter if your husband is not going to see this. Because if he disagrees and you continue to argue your case, all he’s going to hear is nagging and he’s going to walk away with the perception that you are being critical, do not really understand him, or think that he’s not smart or perceptive enough to evaluate his own feelings (and the cause for them.) This potentially puts you in a no-win situation, especially if you continue to point out his depression. There’s often a better way to address this, which I will discuss in the following article.

Whether The Depression Is Contributing To His Wanting To End The Marriage Or Not, Deal With The Issues As He Sees Them: Many women become fixated on the depression. They will blame it for every problem that is currently happening. And while they may well be absolutely right about this, none of it matters if the husband’s perception is different and he’s determined not to change it.

Many people will proceed on a path where they are thinking “Well, I just have to deal with his mental status and then he will change his mind about the marriage.” Or, “This is all going to die down once he starts to feel better and his sour mood begins to lift.” The thing is, you can not count on this. And, there’s a chance that he won’t immediately get help or treatment for the depression. So, you have to deal with it as if it is reality because it IS HIS reality.

Have Enough Empathy For Two: You have to approach this from a place of caring about your husband’s well-being first (because this in turn will help your bottom line.) Know that addressing your marriage won’t be a waste of time and can help your life in general – even if it turns out that the depression does lift and all of this marriage-ending talk is only hot air.

And, you also have to avoid approaching it like you have to fix his undesirable problem or clean up his mess. You have to make sure that he knows that you love him, want him to be happy, and are hurting when he is hurting. Therefore, you’re going to leave no stone left unturned until you help him.

He’s likely expecting you to argue or try to get him to see that he’s wrong about the reality of your life. When you instead focus on him and what you can do to help him, this will often begin to turn the tide, at least a little. It will often buy you at least a little bit of time. If this doesn’t happen, know that this is the right thing to do anyway, and have faith that as you support him (and begin to work on your marriage on your own in the process) you will begin to get where you want to go.

Can You Or Should You Deal With The Marriage And The Depression At The Same Time?: This is really a question for your counselor or his doctor, but sometimes, trying to do both can compromise the other. And sometimes, your husband will be reluctant to see a professional. There are times when he’s sort of so caught up in what he’s feeling that he can’t concentrate on changing it.

Since your focus is on helping him right now, I’d suggest prioritizing the depression first, with the hopes that an improvement in the depression will mean you have less to tackle with the marriage.

What You Alone Can Do To Improve The Situation: You should most definitely get professional help for mental health issues.  But you do have some control over your behaviors and your efforts to support your husband at home. Your goals might be to communicate to him that you are there for him, want to lighten his load, and want to support him. You should also make sure that he knows that you are working on how you can best do this.  You can’t make him go to counseling or force him to read the books that you are reading. But you can show him these things are helping you to lighten the load and this may make a difference for him.

Who’s to say if educating yourself and making positive changes in the way that you approach him, your attitude, and your home will change the way he sees things? That much is under his control, not yours. But you can control yourself. You can control your reactions. This will return a sense of control and empowerment. It will show him that you are willing to back up your words with actions. And, it will make you feel better as well. Yes, the marriage and the depression are two separate things. But, they obviously affect one another. You may know this, but you have to let him come to this conclusion on his own. And, your support is one step toward this, but make sure that you are supporting yourself and your own well-being as well.

There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at its end. We had seemingly tried everything – from counseling to a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle (by focusing on my own time and efforts) and this eventually worked. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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Is There Any Way To Stop My Husband From Leaving? Here’s Some Ways To Try To Make Him Stay

By: Leslie Cane: I have dialogue with wives who are beside themselves while attempting to come up with a way to keep their husbands from leaving them. Sometimes, they have advanced warnings because the husband has been hinting or telling them that he is going to leave. And sometimes, he just comes home and starts packing his bags without warning.

However it happens, the wives that I hear from don’t want to allow it to happen. They are looking for any way possible to stop him from leaving and making him stay. From my own experience and research, I believe that there is actually a right way and a wrong way to attempt this. That’s not to say that the “wrong” way doesn’t sometimes work or that the “right” way doesn’t sometimes fail. The outcome can sometimes depend upon the people involved and the situation.

But, long-term success often will depend upon how you decide to react and follow through. It’s my opinion that very often, wives in this situation will panic and act desperately and dramatically which can sometimes even make things worse. It can be very hard to resist this when you’re so scared to lose him. But sometimes, you are better off if you take a long-term view rather than trying to only get a short-term reaction. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Trying To Convince Him That You Can Work Things Out If He Doesn’t Leave: This is a common tactic that many women will take. They will try to pinpoint the exact issue that is making the husband want to leave and then attack that issue with a vengeance, hoping to make the husband see that he’s wrong or that, if he just gives the marriage one more chance, you can work the issue out.

Husbands won’t always buy this because often they believe they have made up their mind or because they have heard it before and they know that you’re trying to change their mind and that you’re pulling out all of the stops. So they will be resistant to a lot of what you have to say sometimes. The thing is if you’re going to make any promises or assertions, make sure that it is something that you can back up and give freely and without resentment. Because if you can’t, then this has a way of only showing up again sometime in the future and being just that much more difficult to overcome the next time.

Placing Your Focus On Making Lasting Changes Versus The Short-Term Goal Of Getting Him To Stay: It’s a cliche to say that sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees, but in this case, this saying is very true. Many women focus only on getting him to stay and they don’t care what they have to do or say to make this happen. I’ve had women tell me that they have placed themselves between their husband and the door or they have grabbed his suitcase. Women have told me that they’ve even made empty threats because they are going to try anything necessary to make him stay.

I do understand the temptation to do this. When I was in this situation, I did several things and acted in ways I later very much regretted. But, it’s my experience that you will often be much better off if you focus on the long term. You may have to back off some initially to gain some ground later. Often, if you are calm and try to focus on the positive, you will have a much better outcome. And even though it can be very difficult at the time, you can often look back later and realize that you were exactly right.

Making Him Realize You Want Both Of You To Be Happy More Than You Want To Be Right Or To Get Your Way: If you talk to the men in this scenario, they will tell you that they know that their wife’s agenda is solely to get him to stay or to get her way. This is often all they see so they are even more determined to leave because, if they stay, then technically, you have “won.”

It’s important to make them see that there are no winners and losers here. You will often get a much better response if you stress that salvaging the relationship so that you can both be happy is more important to you than what happens in the next few minutes. It’s often better to let things calm down before you attempt to have any serious discussions.

And when things are calm, you can stress that although you certainly don’t want him to leave, you’re looking at it for the long term. You want things to be better and lasting so that you can both be happy. If he needs space or time, then this can be addressed, but ultimately your goal is to just make small improvements and gain some ground until you get to where you want to go.

Because honestly, a wife who is hysterical and begging him to stay, making threats, or acting all dramatic and not like herself is often not the woman he really wants. Often, who he wants and misses is the calm and happy-go-lucky woman he fell in love with, not the upset and clinging one that is before him. You can be desperate to get him to stay without making this completely apparent and without losing control. It takes patience and determination, but it can be done.

When my husband left me, it did appear that his mind was made up and I panicked and therefore made many mistakes.  Thankfully, after many delays, I was able to change course. And this made all of the difference and is why I am still married today. You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Says We Should Go Our Separate Ways For A While – Will He Come Back?

By: Leslie Cane: I recently heard from a wife who was quite interested in seeing what her future might hold. After she and her husband had been having problems for several months, her husband told her that he felt they should “go their separate ways for a while” and see how things turned out after that.

The wife wasn’t sure exactly what he meant by that but it was pretty clear that he intended to move in with friends for a while. Needless to say, the wife’s main concerns were whether her marriage would end and whether her husband was going to come back.

However, every time she asked him about this, he would just give her vague replies like “We’ll just see what happens.” This was breaking the wife’s heart. She hated that they were leaving it open-ended in this way. It drove her crazy to not know whether she was going to be married in a year from now. And she was placing all of her attention and worries on whether he was coming back.

And although I’ve done this too and find it natural and completely normal, looking back now, I know that it wasn’t the best call. I will discuss this more in the following article.

When A Man Says That You Should Go Your Separate Ways Right Now, This Can Mean All Sorts Of Things: The wife’s biggest fear was that the husband would eventually file for divorce. She was worried that “separate ways” would eventually come to mean separation which would eventually come to mean divorce.

But, the thing was, she had no way to know if this was going to be true. She could not see into the future and her husband wasn’t being forthcoming with these details. So, as difficult as it might be, she really just had to allow this to play out. But the good news about this strategy is that her actions would undoubtedly contribute to how everything ended up.

So, whether she believed it or not, she had a bit more control than she feared. And quite frankly, some men use the “separate ways” terminology when they are just looking for a break to sort out their feelings. Sometimes, they are looking for a response from you to gauge where your marriage truly stands. And, sometimes even they don’t know how things are going to turn out.

So, with all of these unknowns, the wife’s path may just be to take things as they come while setting up the situation so that when the husband evaluates where he wants to go from here, he realizes that his life is likely better off with his wife than without her. But, in order for this to happen, the wife was going to have to change some perceptions that were standing in her way.

Focusing On Changing The Situation So That He Wants To Come Back Rather Than Hyper Focusing On If He Will Come Back: Besides the shock and pain that this wife was feeling, her main concern (by far) was if her husband was going to come back. This concern was pretty much the center of all of her thoughts and actions.

To that end, she was constantly trying to take inventory of where her husband was, what he was doing, and what he was thinking. Even though she admitted that these actions were only annoying her husband and weren’t really getting her anywhere, she just couldn’t seem to stop herself.

So many of us do this, myself included. But what we don’t understand at the time is that we are creating an “either/or” situation. What I mean by that is that since your sole concern is him coming back, you’re putting him in a position where he has to make a decision that either he’s coming back or he’s not and there’s not really any gray areas or any space in between.

So, you’re leaving an opening for things to turn out badly. Instead, you want to create as many positive options as you can. You don’t want to put so much pressure on this situation that your husband thinks he has to leave you or begin to move away from you to escape this pressure.

As hard as it may be to back off some and let things unfold as they will and THEN respond rather than jumping the gun, sometimes this is precisely what you should do to have the outcome that you really want.

Here’s what you often need to understand. Pretty shortly, there may come a time when your husband has to make a decision about how he is going to proceed. He’ll need to decide if he’s coming back or if he wants to truly separate or divorce.

And, when this does happen, you want to have painted yourself in the most favorable light. Right now, he may think that your problems are too big or that your relationship isn’t going to change. You often have to change his mind about these things eventually. And one way to start to do that is to behave in a way that he isn’t expecting.

Allow him to be pleasantly surprised at how in control you really are. Come from a place of love rather than a place of fear. Make it clear that your priority really is both of you being happy rather than trying to pin him down on exactly what his plans are.

I wish I had known these things in my own marriage. Our trial separation went very badly until I figured out that my actions were pushing my husband further away. Fortunately, when I realized my mistake it wasn’t too late. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.

 

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My Husband Says He Doesn’t Have Feelings For Me – Insights That Might Help

By: Leslie Cane: I recently heard from a wife whose husband had told her that he “no longer has any feelings” for her. They had been having marital issues for a while but had been trying to work them out. The wife felt that at times, things were beginning to get better. Apparently, the husband didn’t agree because he told the wife that he now was pretty sure that he wanted a separation or divorce. The wife was astounded at this and told the husband that although the marriage had hit a rough patch, she still loved him and felt that was a foundation upon which they could build.

The husband countered this by telling the wife that not only didn’t he love her anymore but that he “no longer had any feelings for her at all.” Not only did this shock the wife, but she frankly didn’t believe it. The day before, he had initiated physical contact and showed affection. She wasn’t sure why he would feel the need to lie, but she was beside herself. She said in part “How can he say he doesn’t feel anything for me? We’ve been together for a very long time and have been through a lot together. How can he just throw that away and pretend as though I don’t matter to him?”

There are many reasons that men sometimes do this. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Sometimes A Man Says He Doesn’t Have Feelings For You Because He Knows You Will Point To The Feelings As Proof You Can Work Things Out: I didn’t personally know either person in this situation, but I had to suspect that the husband was telling the wife this as a way to take the wind out of her sails. In the past, the wife had pointed to their feelings for each other as a main reason to continue to work on the marriage.

Many husbands in this situation aren’t sure what to do anymore. They’ve tried “working” on the marriage and various other things, but they feel as though they are at a dead-end street and they aren’t sure how to begin to make an exit. So, they will tell you that the feelings are gone so that you no longer have this fact on your side.

What does this mean for you? It means that it’s possible the feelings haven’t gone, but you have a situation in which your husband is willing to say anything in order to get a pause in this situation. That’s very important information that can mean quite a lot and be quite telling.

Putting This In Perspective To Determine Where To Go From Here: Many women in this situation have no clue where to go with this or how to respond. Basically, there are a couple of possibilities. Your husband may be telling you the truth as he knows it, meaning that since so much has happened between you, he doesn’t know what to feel or his feelings may have dulled. Or, he may well still have feelings for you but he’s trying to diminish or deny them because he is growing tired of the “working it out” process.

Either way, his perceptions about the situation are now part of the issue. Many women will often react by trying to prove to their husband that he still has feelings or arguing with him about his assertion. In my experience, this isn’t as effective as focusing on the issues and trying to fix them. Having more conflict is rarely the answer. Changing his perceptions sometimes can be.

If The “Working Things Out” Stance Isn’t Working For You, Consider Focusing On Something Else: Sometimes, it’s not that the husband’s feelings have changed all that dramatically. (After all, I rarely believe that feelings just turn off and on.) So rather than focusing on this point, you are sometimes better off taking the focus off of all that “work” and all of its connotations. Sometimes, smaller steps are in order.

Just focusing on interacting with less conflict and drama can sometimes make quite a difference. And sometimes, your husband is expecting all these fireworks but when you respond calmly and with purpose, he may suddenly begin to question his perceptions in the first place. This is what you want. Yes, you may have a long and gradual climb. But your real goal is not to show him or argue with him that he’s wrong, but to show him by your behavior and your reactions that he may have acted too swiftly.

You want to show him the carefree calm and loving woman he first fell in love with rather than the frightened and reeling one who may have a tendency to be accusing and argumentative because she is frightened of losing what she has worked so hard for.

I know that this is a very difficult situation. And I know it feels as if you might be on the losing end of this. But your reactions from this point forward can be very important. Try to take the high road and keep your perspective. In the long run, you may be glad that you did.

I understand how you feel, because a very short time ago, I was exactly where you are. But, I learned that my husband had fallen out of love with the relationship instead of falling out of love with me. I was able to use this knowledge to change course, return my husband’s love, and save the marriage (when I was the only one interested in doing so at the time.) You can read that story on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Could A Trial Separation Save Our Marriage?

By: Leslie Cane: I once dialogued with a woman whose husband had been approaching the topic of divorce. He’d been tip-toeing around the topic for months. But lately, it had become quite clear that he thought the relationship was going to end in a divorce relatively soon. The wife was adamant that she did not want to end the marriage. In a bid of desperation, she offered up a trial separation as an alternative to the divorce.

Her husband said he would think about it and let her know how he wanted to proceed. After the wife had a bit of time to think about it, she wondered if this had been the right call. She asked me, in part: “Can a trial separation save our relationship? Because I’m starting to think that I’m only delaying the inevitable. If we’re going to eventually get a divorce anyway, then why waste all of that time and get my hopes up?”

I’ve seen plenty of trial separations work to eventually save the relationship. And, when the only other alternative is a divorce, then a separation can be just about your only chance to gain some ground. But, in my opinion and experience, there’s most definitely a right way and a wrong way to handle a trial separation if the whole goal is to save the marriage or relationship. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Sometimes, A Trial Separation Is One Of The Only Viable Options Before A Divorce: Obviously, the best-case scenario is if you can save the relationship before you have to separate or take some time apart from one another. Sometimes though, this just isn’t going to be possible. Sometimes, the spouse who is trying to avoid a separation at all costs will push too hard for an immediate reconciliation with the person who is very resistant to this. A strategy such as this can do more harm than good because the reluctant person usually becomes so tired of this process that he leaves anyway, and by then you have a lot more ground to recover.

Usually, what you really want is to be able to save the relationship with both people equally on board and equally as enthusiastic about rebuilding. If your spouse goes into this process with doubts or when their heart isn’t really in it, there’s a real risk of only getting a temporary reprieve. Instead, you want any attempt to reconcile to work and to be lasting. When nothing else has worked and the only other option is a divorce, the trial separation can be a decent alternative (but usually only when done correctly.)

Handling The Trial Separation In The Way That Saves Rather Than Destroys Your Relationship: When separations go wrong, this is usually due to a few very common reasons. One potential reason is that one or both people approach the separation as a free-for-all all where they act as if they are already single. One or both spouses might choose to date other people or act in such a way that’s not typical of someone who is still married.

This can lead to a lot of retaliation and resentment which usually only makes things worse. The other common mistake that I see couples make is that they attempt to overcompensate rather than allowing the time away to work for them rather than against them. Sometimes, it feels as though the pressure to solve things is quite intense so one or both people are tempted to make the sole focus to “work” on the couple’s problems while feeling intense pressure.

The thing is, one of the most important things that need to happen during the separation is that the people in the relationship need to see that their life is better within the relationship than on the outside of it. Most people will need to see some improvement in both the relationship and in their own perceptions about the other person in order for this to happen in a genuine (rather than forced) way.

The improvement that I’m talking about can’t happen by force. Sometimes, you are better off not pushing so hard and allowing the time away to make the heart grow fonder. Rather than attempting to remind your loved one of you every waking minute, you are often much better off making every encounter count and focusing on the positive rather than the negative. Your loved one isn’t likely to improve their perceptions of you and the relationship if they see you turning up the pressure, moping around, or acting fearful and resentful.

You want to show them the best, most low-key version of yourself every time you have the natural (rather than forced) chance to do so. This shouldn’t feel or look like an act. You want to just very naturally allow them to see the person who initially excited them so much. You want them to see you as upbeat, coping, accommodating, and busy. If this isn’t how you truly feel, sometimes you need to make an effort to display this anyway, at least when you are with them.

Always ask yourself if your actions during the separation are helping or hurting your cause. This doesn’t mean that you need to be overly accommodating or obviously not genuine. But sometimes, you have to act “as if” until you’re desired reality actually comes true. One way to do this is to attempt to focus on the positive and maintain an upbeat attitude and sense of humor. If you approach your partner with doom and gloom or guilt feelings every time you interact with them, then you run the real risk of them thinking that they’re better off alone and therefore won’t be returning home after the separation.

It was my husband, not me, who thought he wanted out of our marriage. I panicked, and unfortunately, drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This backfired – not surprisingly. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed direction. Eventually, I was able to turn things around and still have a stable marriage today. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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Trying to Save a Marriage? Insights On What Works and What Doesn’t

by: Leslie Cane: When I was trying to save my marriage years ago, I read everything I could get my hands on that would help me prevent a divorce. I blindly followed most of this advice and found it to be flawed in my particular situation, not only because it didn’t work, but because it sets the couple on a frustrating path that doesn’t address the most immediate flaws and tensions before it attempts to tackle the “real problems” in the marriage.

Why Marriage Counseling And Some “Save Your Marriage” Programs Sometimes Miss The Point, In My Opinion: Specifically, most “save your marriage” advice focuses on having the couple commit to difficult discussions and exercises geared toward fixing deep-seated problems in their marriage. While I agree this must be done eventually, in my experience what many marriage counselors or programs fail to take into consideration is that often there is one person or spouse who wants out of the marriage, and there is usually one person who wants to save it.

Getting the spouse who wants out of the marriage to submit to repeated questions and deep discussions about problems contributing to it will drive some of these folks even further away. Simply put, these unhappy spouses want to escape the situation, so submerging them into even more of it (and painful discussions about it) often just makes the problem worse.

Of course, the person who wants to save the marriage is often more than willing to talk about it endlessly or to do “whatever it takes” to reignite the spark. But this sort of “anything to save the relationship” stance often makes this unsuspecting spouse appear even more unattractive to the spouse who wants to leave, again making the problem worse. (This is what happened in my case. More on that here.)

What’s Truly Key To Successfully Save A Marriage: From my experience (and again, this is just my opinion and experience,) this process is backward. I believe that most people who succeed in saving their marriage do so by first delaying endless discussions or problem-solving sessions. Instead, successful couples often first focus on reestablishing a positive relationship and feelings of empathy and protectiveness. If both parties don’t feel respect and at least some sort of affection or caring toward one another, then it’s unrealistic to think that they will be able to work out their problems in a long-term way in which both people are equally on board and committed. Sure, one person may eventually give in, (just to keep the peace and stop all this communication on difficult subjects), but the issues will keep coming up because both parties are not really committed to changing things.

To solve marital problems, both husband and wife must be equally committed to doing so. This doesn’t often happen if the balance of power in the marriage is unequal, with one person wanting to save the marriage and the other wanting to end it. Before you can change this, both parties must return to a place of affection and respect. How do you do this when you are perhaps the only one wanting to save the marriage?

How To Try To Return Positive Feelings That Can Make Saving The Marriage Much Easier (Even When You’re The Only One Interested): To set the stage for avoiding divorce or rescuing a relationship, you first need to take calculated steps meant to restore the positive image your spouse used to have of you when he first fell in love or the last time he/she was in love. I know this thought can be hard to wrap your brain around or accept. It’s easy to resent this or to think it is unfair or game-playing. You might think exactly as I initially did: “He/she doesn’t do anything to change for me. Why should I change or make the effort? Why am I the only one doing all of the work?”

The answer is that taking these steps is going to benefit you in a few ways. Not only will this make you feel better and build your confidence, but it may also just get what you really want – your marriage back. And, once you restore the needed feelings, what you’re trying to do will be so much easier.

If a marriage is in trouble and needs to be saved, it’s often not strong enough to allow you to pick apart or rehash difficult issues. I don’t believe couples should attempt this until the relationship is back on a positive level for quite some time and until both parties are ready, receptive, and committed.

You get to this place by either taking a brief break or by first ignoring the elephant in the room that is contributing to the worst issues. You’ll address these later, but first, you have to restore the positive feelings needed to get both parties on board.

If your spouse is not receptive to you, not talking to you, is not taking your calls, or is dead set on divorce, believe it or not, the process is the same. You just have to move at a slower pace and take more calculated baby steps until you’re at a place where positive feelings have returned.

It took me a very long time to learn this. And I set myself back. But eventually, I actually pulled this off and saved my marriage. I made many mistakes. You can read that story by visiting my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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