Do Kids Pick Up On Your Marital Tension When Your Husband Wants Out? (And What Can We Do About It?)

By: Leslie Cane: I know that many wives are quietly worried about their kids due to the state of their marriage. Maybe their marriage has been going through a dire rough patch, and their husband has overtly checked out. There’s tons of tension – so much that you could cut it with a knife. Cold shoulders, sharp sighs, dirty looks, and silence at dinner are just some examples of what these wives experience. Many wives are wondering two things:

“Is my marriage salvageable? and;

“Are the kids picking up on this?”

The answer is often – unfortunately, yes. Kids are incredibly perceptive. They may not understand every dirty look or withholding of affection between their parents. But they often sense when something is “off,” even if you try to put on a happy face.

Unfortunately, that awareness can affect them in ways we don’t always realize, and certainly wouldn’t want —emotionally, behaviorally, and even physically. However, before you are flooded with guilt, you don’t have to just accept this situation.

Kids Are Wired to Tune In, But They Can Also Feel When Things Are Improving: Children are hard-wired to pay attention to the people whom they love the most. They’re watching us all the time— we are their compass in the world. If Mom and Dad are happy, the world feels safe. If something seems wrong, that safety feels a little less certain.

Even if you say nothing, kids notice changes in mood, tone, and body language. Even if little kids can’t describe their discomfort in words, you may see it in their clinginess, tantrums, or trouble sleeping. Older kids may seem moody, distracted, or anxious.

None of these behaviors seems great, but they can be reversed when you begin to right your marriage again, or at least improve your communication and the ease between you.

What Your Kids Notice And What You Can Work On Right Now: You may be wondering how your kids “just know” that something is off. Tension doesn’t have to include loud fights to be noticeable to a kid. Sure, your loud fights will be nearly impossible to ignore. But even tension is easy to feel. They notice if you are avoiding one another, they notice if your tone changes, they notice shifts in mood, and they notice if the ease with which you normally function around each other turns cold.

How To Begin To Turn The Tide: No marriage is perfect. And kids are resilient and can handle fleeting arguments, where you go right back to your loving selves toward one another. But if you are experiencing a significant rift in the bond between you, it makes sense to try to address this if you are still invested in your marriage.

If you cannot get your husband on board initially, you can at least show your kids that you are navigating these difficult times with honesty, grace, and dignity. Even if you and your husband are having arguments, try to keep communication respectful and always attempt to talk through things calmly.

Do everything in your power to maintain those small opportunities for connection between the family and your husband. Family movie nights, walks in the park, board games, or even just talking during dinner can help to restore a sense of normalcy.

Taking Care Of Your Kids Means Taking Care Of Your Marriage:  Sometimes, the best way to address your kids picking up on the marital tension is to try to address the marriage and remove the tension. Prioritize fixing your marriage and fixing your family. Doing so will model to your kids the importance of not giving up on family during difficult times.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up: If you’re still with me, there is no question that you care deeply – about your kids, your marriage, and your family. You have not failed your kids. You’re here trying to make things better and to create the best family possible for them. You and your husband will always be their parents, and you are showing that you will do whatever it takes to give them the best experience possible.  

If your marriage and keeping your family intact are still important to you, don’t give up. It is possible to save your marriage even if you are the only one trying. This website is full of articles about the same.

My husband was not in any way interested in saving our marriage. If I had let his indifference deter me, I would not be married today. I had to use focused determination and a whole lot of finesse. You can read about how I did that here.

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My Husband Wants to Leave Me: Understanding What Situations Create Runaway Husbands And Which Tactics To Use

By: Leslie Cane: Since I often write about saving marriages, regaining the love and spark in your marriage, and restoring intimacy and closeness, I’m often asked what is the best way to react or proceed when you know that your husband wants to leave. The answer to this will greatly depend upon the situation, but I hope to give you options, ideas, help, and support in this article.

The Two Types Of Situations That Create Runaway Husbands: First off, though, let me say that I generally find there are two different types of situations when a husband wants to leave. The first is the most volatile of the two, and often, the husband is being hurtful in letting you know or informing you that he wants to go. Usually, there has been some explosive situation, like a huge fight, or the husband being mean or disrespectful in sharing his feelings. In these situations, the husband will leave no doubt that he has one foot out the door. This highly emotional situation may lead to name-calling or hurtful phrases like him telling you that he “doesn’t love or find you attractive anymore,” Or he may imply that he’d be better off without you.

I had one woman tell me that her husband told her he wanted to leave because she was overweight. In these situations, it’s so important that you do not give your power away. The husband is being incredibly disrespectful, so before you attempt any communication or negotiations, I believe it is best to call him on it and insist that in moving forward, he treat you in a respectful manner. It is difficult to work things out in a lasting and long-term way if he is going to act this way.

Thankfully, many situations I am asked about involve less explosive situations where the husband wants to leave because of distance created, a loss of intimacy (i.e., he’s “fallen out of love”) or because of external factors that have caused severe stress and strain on the marriage. In these examples, the marriage at one time was a good one, and somehow the way has been lost.

The Tactics To Avoid Like The Plague: In both instances, there are things that I have learned through experience and through research and counseling that you absolutely should not do, even when or if you desperately don’t want your husband to leave. These things may seem natural and right at the time, but they will backfire in the end because you’ve given your power away and will ultimately make you appear less desirable. (I made these mistakes. They most definitely failed.  More on that here.)

I believe that you should not beg, stalk, engage, argue with, or constantly follow, text, or call your husband. You should not make false promises, appear desperate, or do anything that would elicit negative emotions or reactions.

It’s important to understand that if you want your husband to stay or want him back, you have to replace the negative feelings between you with positive ones. This may seem overly simplistic, but it isn’t. Husbands who are experiencing loving, affectionate, and empathic feelings toward their wives are much more likely to be receptive to what you have to say and to listen without already knowing the outcome.

The Tactics To Embrace: The way that you encourage receptiveness is to conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of and that you won’t regret later. You don’t want to act in a way that will push your husband further away from you. At the same time, you don’t want to be a pushover either.

As you can see, this is a delicate dance. You have to strike a balance between communicating with your husband and making him understand that you love him, don’t want him to leave, and want to make saving the marriage a high priority while having enough respect for yourself to not compromise your dignity.

The truth is, you will appear much more attractive to your husband if you retain your self-worth. You can still love your husband and go out and see your friends or do whatever it is that makes you happy and fulfilled without groveling. This will put you in a better emotional place.

Exceptions: Sometimes, I have women approach me and say their husband wants to leave, and he just will not talk with them at all, or has completely shut them out because of a major fight or issue. Believe it or not, the process is still the same. You conduct yourself in a positive manner, do the things that will invoke positive feelings in both yourself and your spouse, and take baby steps until your husband is receptive again.

In some instances – when it’s clear the husband is dead set on leaving and is not going to change his mind, it’s best to just agree with your husband that the marriage has problems, and if he really thinks he needs a break, then agree that you’d like the time to work on yourself as well. This will help to minimize a lot of the tension and distance. Hopefully, as the tension lessens your husband will have no reason to avoid or reject you. You’re also retaining your dignity and power, which is hugely important in this situation.

I didn’t initially want to use a gradual approach, but it became necessary.  And it actually worked.  You can read that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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Will We Get Back Together? How to Make Sure the Answer is Yes

by: Leslie Cane: If you’re asking this question about your relationship or marriage, I have to assume that you’re either split up or are considering taking a break or divorce. Depending on where you are on this spectrum (and how receptive your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife is to you), this process may be easier or harder and may take longer or be a short process. But no matter where you are, the methods for reuniting are the same. Getting back together really requires two things, which you can achieve by taking baby steps until you get the relationship back where you want it. I’ll discuss this process in this article.

Bringing The Spark Back In Your Relationship: I know this may seem hard to believe, but often, “falling out of love” is due more to a lack of time and attention to the relationship than it is because of external factors like cheating, infidelity, or stressful / crises situations. (All of these external factors mentioned are symptoms of a marriage/relationship in trouble rather than the cause of it).

The cause of “falling out of love” or “losing the spark” is almost always an increasing lack of intimacy. The precursor to intimacy is almost always time and attention.

Think back to when you were first dating. You probably put a lot of time and effort into your partner. At first, at least, you were careful to show them the best version of yourself on a regular basis. The result was probably an intense, solid, and intimate relationship.

Over time, though, life gets in the way. We have to pay attention to our obligations and responsibilities. We begin to think that it’s unrealistic to pour all of our time and energy into one thing or person.

No one is asking you to do that, really, but if you think hard about the beginning of your relationship, I’ll bet you’ll remember that any fights or disagreements were glossed over or solved quickly. People who are intimate and in love just don’t want to spend their time arguing. So, it’s important to get back to this point in your relationship. If you can, everything else will fall into place so much easier.

Appearing More Attractive And Appealing To Your Ex So He Wants To Get Back Together: It’s very common for people to pull out all of the emotional stops when faced with a breakup or divorce. It makes sense to think that the longer there is distance between you, the harder it will be to get back together. The problem with this strategy is that it often makes you act in such a way that is not typical of you which you will later regret. It can also make you appear more unattractive to your significant other or drive them further away.

Always keep in mind whether your actions will help or hurt your desire to get back together. Only engage in behaviors that will promote positive (rather than negative) feelings. This means you shouldn’t beg, stalk, follow, engage with, or push your partner’s buttons, or repeatedly bug, text, and call if they are not receptive to this. I understand that you want and need their attention right now, but eliciting negative feelings in them is not the way that you want to get it.

Instead, you should, (every chance you get), display yourself as the person your partner first fell in love with. This doesn’t mean you have to be young again or look like Jessica Alba (although you should pay careful attention to your appearance).

I’d be willing to bet that if you think about it though, you can pinpoint those qualities that your husband or boyfriend first loved about you (your attentiveness, chemistry, open heart, sense of humor, etc.) Are you showing these qualities to them now on a regular basis? It’s vitally important to do this, even if it is challenging right now. Of course, you can not be overtly obvious about this. If they suspect you are game-playing, they are going to put up a larger wall.

What If He Doesn’t Want To Get Back Together? I have a lot of people tell me, “Your methods make sense, but my husband/boyfriend won’t even take my calls and/or is very mad and not speaking to me.” Well, if your significant other is not receptive or seems to have moved on, the process will take longer and will require more baby steps.

First, you’ll probably need to agree with them (or at least make them think you are). Then, you’ll display a woman who loves them very much but who loves herself enough to take care of her own emotional needs. Make sure your partner knows you love him and want to work things out, but you only need to say this a few times. Then, get out, see friends, and do more of those things that make you happy (and it doesn’t hurt if you can find a way to leak this to your ex). This will likely, over time, pique their interest and give you an “in.” If it doesn’t, you may have to arrange an “accidental” or “taking care of loose ends to move on” meeting over coffee, but try everything else first.

I had to use this approach when I was the only one who gave a flip about saving my marriage, although he did get on board eventually. And this was because I changed course. You can read more on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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I’m Scared To Ask My Husband If He Wants Out Of Our Marriage, But I Need To Know

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives strongly suspect that their husbands are very unhappy within their marriage and therefore likely want a separation or divorce. This is very often the elephant in the room that the wife is very afraid to even address. The wife usually very much wants to know what he’s thinking, but at the same time, she is terrified to know the truth.

She might say: “For the last couple of years, my husband has become increasingly withdrawn in our marriage. It’s obvious that he’s unhappy, and he admits as much. He’s very open about the fact that he thinks our marriage has changed. And he doesn’t find these changes to be positive ones. But instead of going to counseling or trying to change anything, he just mopes around and draws attention to himself and his own unhappiness. At this point, I feel like just asking him if he wants out of our marriage because I’m sick of tiptoeing around him. But I’m afraid of the answer he might give me because, despite his sour personality, I want to save my marriage. So what is the best thing to do? Should I continue to ignore the obvious so that my husband and I both remain miserable? Or do I gather up my courage and just ask him if he wants out?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

One Answer To One Question Isn’t Likely To End Your Marriage. But The Feelings Behind That Same Answer Just Might: People seem to have the mistaken perception that if you never speak of or ignore a problem, that same problem is just going to go away. This is usually not what happens. Instead, because you are not addressing the problem, it just gets worse and worse.

I’m not sure why people think that if you don’t speak of your marital problems, then you won’t have to address them because hopefully, they will go away. Even if the wife never mentioned her marital problems with her husband, nothing said that he was never going to take any action. He might have been planning to bring up the topic on his own or announce that he wanted a separation or divorce in the very near future. Not bringing up the topic or refusing to ask the question was no guarantee that the husband was never going to act on his unhappiness.

What Might Be A Better Alternative Than Asking Your Husband If He Wants Out Of The Marriage: As you might have gathered, I don’t think it’s ever a good idea to avoid the problems in your marriage. As painful and as awkward as discussing your issues can be, doing so is the only way to work through them. They are not likely to just go away on their own.

I believe that you’re often better off putting the issue on the table instead of waiting for your husband to do so. Because sometimes, by the time he finally gets around to addressing your marriage, it is because he wants to end it.

But, while I advocate being proactive and bringing up your problems, I don’t advocate automatically jumping to the worst-case scenario. If you approach your husband and bluntly ask him, “Do you want a divorce?” or “Do you want out of our marriage, don’t you?” you’re almost nudging him toward saying yes.

Instead, you want to leave things open-ended, and you want to make it appear that you are working with him rather than accusing him or expecting him to say the worst. So, an alternative might be to say something like: “I’m sure we’ve both noticed that things aren’t going so well with our marriage. You’ve admitted that you’re not happy, and if I’m being honest, I’m not happy with the way that things are going either. Rather than us both continuing to be unhappy and just watching while our marriage continues to deteriorate, I’d like to take some action. I’m going to be trying to improve our marriage, and I’d like your cooperation. It just doesn’t make sense to continue to be unhappy and avoid talking about our problems when we have the power to change things.”

Do you see the difference? You aren’t really asking for his opinion or cooperation (although it would be great if he’d enthusiastically tell you that he’s completely on board and he’s been waiting for you to take charge all along.) You aren’t really giving him the option to express that he wants out unless he takes the initiative to interrupt you.

What Happens If You Still Suspect He Wants Out?: So what happens if you take the initiative and you bring up your marital issues, but still get a lukewarm response from your husband? What if, despite your best efforts, he’s still moping around so that it’s obvious that he’s still unhappy?”

Well, there are a couple of options. Perhaps you haven’t given the process enough time. Maybe you haven’t made the process one that is fun for him, so he’s resistant to becoming invested. Or perhaps there is something else going on in his life that is the real source of his unhappiness.

Whatever the reason, nothing says you can’t continue on with improving yourself and your happiness. So many people underestimate the possibility of greatly improving (or even saving) their marriage all by themselves. Yes, your husband will eventually need to cooperate. But often, you can make huge changes in your marriage by changing your outlook, your focus, and your habits and behaviors. Often, as you become happier, agreeable, and attentive, he will see that the whole process isn’t as impossible or as difficult as he once thought, and his level of resistance (and his happiness) will begin to wane.

The bottom line is that I agree that it makes sense to be reluctant to ask your husband if he wants out. It’s better to address your marriage without assuming the worst. And it’s even better to take positive and decisive action without waiting for someone else to take the lead.

When my husband first told me he wanted a separation, I swore that it came out of the blue with no warning.  But as I look back on it now, I realize that there were warnings, but I just chose to ignore them because I didn’t want to risk getting the answer that scared me the most.  I did eventually save my marriage, but it took so much more time and effort than if I had just started the dialogue.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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What is the Best Way to Save a Marriage?

by: Leslie Cane: If you’re researching this question, I’m assuming that your marriage is not on firm ground or is in trouble. I don’t know if you’re contemplating divorce, already taking a break from the relationship, or just want to improve upon what you already have. No matter which situation you’re in, I’ve found that the process is the same.

In my experience, the best way to save a marriage is to come up with a plan about which both partners can get behind and commit while preserving dignity and giving both parties the freedom to choose their own course of action. If these things aren’t present, essentially one partner is “winning” while the other is “losing” or “giving in.” While this may make one person feel triumphant short term, it almost always comes back to bite the relationship later and ultimately makes saving the marriage that much harder or improbable down the road. Ultimately, the best-case scenario is one in which both partners decide to save it because they want to. If you and your spouse are not both in this place, that’s ok. It just means you have more work to do.

Why Some Marriage Saving Programs or Counseling Sessions Don’t Work And Are Not The Best Way: When my husband told me he wanted a divorce, I researched, studied, and participated in “save your marriage” programs and met with counselors and therapists, but most of them fell short because they demanded that my husband be a willing participant and they demanded they we talk about and analyze our problems. As he wanted a divorce and I didn’t, I was more than willing to go over and discuss our issues endlessly but he was not. And when he was forced to, it just made him angry and frustrated and less receptive to me. Frankly, it hurt us more than it helped us. (More on that here.)

And this, in my opinion, is the flaw of many programs and plans. There is usually one person who wants to save the marriage more than anything and another who is either doubtful, lukewarm, nonreceptive, or who wants out. While the one who wants to save it is pouring out their heart and analyzing the problems, the one who wants out is thinking “I just want to escape this high drama and all this talk,” while they’re only feeling more negative about the relationship and their spouse is looking less and less attractive.

A Better Option That I Believe Works In Some Situations: For me, the better option for saving my marriage was ignoring the main, painful problems for a little while. (I realize they do need to be addressed, but I don’t feel they need to be addressed when one person has one foot out the door.) Instead, I focused on creating situations that would invoke positive feelings and make me appear more attractive in my husband’s eyes. I was resistant to this for a long time, thinking it was unfair for me to have to do all of the work but one day I realized this was silly because giving him what he needed would allow me to get what I wanted and needed too.

And, I also realized that when we were first dating, I could do no wrong in his eyes. And I realized that was because, at that time, he was deeply in love with me. One day a therapist told me something useful. She said, “A man falls in love because of the way you make him feel about himself.” She said this is true of men and women. When we are in love, we feel attractive, alluring, intelligent, valuable, and cherished. So, with all of these positive feelings, we have a better time ignoring, glossing over, or working out any problems that may come up. When our needs aren’t being met, instead we’ll hold tight to any slight or wrong – real or imagined.

One day I wised up and figured out my best bet was to only try to work out the problems AFTER we’d reestablished intimacy, and respect and we both wanted to save our marriage. This took a while because when I started, my husband was not at all receptive to me. He didn’t want to take my calls or spend any quality time together, so I had to accept tiny, baby steps that reestablished some sort of positive feelings and I learned that taking care of myself and respecting myself enough to get moving again and do the things that made me happy (pursuing my hobbies and passions) helped my cause more than anything and, in turn, I appeared much more attractive to my husband and closer to the person I was when he first fell in love. The more I did this (even when it felt risky or like I was neglecting the plan) the more my husband came around.

So, for me, the best way to save my marriage was to allow my husband to come to me. Texting, calling, and begging really got me nowhere. Talking endlessly about our problems and what I could do to change his mind only pushed him farther away. But, showing him that I was still the exciting, vibrant, intelligent girl who valued my own happiness as well as his contentment brought him back to me and saved our marriage. In my opinion, this is the best way. You need both husband and wife on board and the only way to do this is to reestablish, trust, respect, and intimacy before you try to negotiate all of your problems. Often, marriages in trouble just aren’t strong enough for most other methods, and bringing back feelings of affection and empathy makes the process easier all of way around.

Want to see/read about how I finally wised up and used these techniques to save my own marriage? You can that story of how I did it (when I was the only one who wanted to) at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Is My Marriage Really In Trouble? Or Is My Husband Just Blowing Off Steam?

By: Leslie Cane: It is undoubtedly painful when your spouse sits you down, looks into your eyes, and tells you that they aren’t happy.  It’s unsettling when your spouse has an increasingly short fuse, making it obvious that he doesn’t think he’s living his best life or best relationship.  In these situations, it is very normal to feel unmoored and unsure as to just how you are supposed to respond.  Most of us know from our own lives that sometimes we unload on those who are closest to us and therefore who are the most convenient.

A wife might say, “For the last six weeks, my husband has been making sarcastic and very direct comments about your marriage. He isn’t subtle, and he tells me that he doesn’t feel all that close to me anymore and that our marriage is no longer fulfilling and looks much less intimate and loving than those of his friends. Part of me has no idea where this is coming from other than he increasingly hates his job and feels stress from it. Nothing has changed in our marriage. Nothing has changed with our intimacy other than he is always uptight. So how seriously should I take this?

You Can’t Take It Too Seriously: My response and opinion comes as someone who almost lost their marriage and ended up divorced simply because I ignored the hints my husband threw at me. I’m going to be honest. I was going through a stressful time myself, I was cowardly, and it was easier to bury my head in the sand than face reality.

But, of course, this came back to bite me. When he didn’t get my attention by being honest with me, he became more and more frustrated and more and more sure that he could not work with me (and our marriage) any longer and he was ready to walk away.  

So I had a much worse time cleaning up the mess than I would have had if I had paid attention from the jump.

If your husband is straight up telling you (or obviously hinting) that something is wrong, take it EXTREMELY seriously. If it turns out that you are wrong, at least your husband knows that you make him a priority. No harm done. But if you attempt to minimize what he’s telling you, he feels unheard and misunderstood on top of the dissatisfaction he’s already feeling.

How To Act When He’s Telling You Your Marriage Is In Trouble: Even if you yourself are busy or are dealing with stress, stop a minute and think. Is the stressor more important to you than your marriage? Your husband?

Of course not. So give him the attention that he deserves and validate him. It’s okay to admit that this worries or confuses you, but none of this negates your need to pay attention to and tend to him.

Tell him what you hear him saying and ask him if you have it right. Ask him what you’ve missed. Ask him if he could have his way, what would he want to change? What could you do to make things better? What attempts by you could make him feel some relief?

If he’s giving you vague answers, keep gently probing, but don’t push so hard that you frustrate him even more.

How To Keep Accountable: After you’ve talked to him and gotten more information, formulate a plan. Whether that is to give him more attention, more care, or more time, pay attention and make an effort every single day. Then ask yourself where you are having success and where you are not.

If you aren’t, it is time to ask your husband for clarification because you may not be on the right track. You might have misunderstood what he wants more or less of. Make sure you truly understand what he is looking for or needing from you and make it your business to try your best to provide it.

When You Feel Resentful: I sometimes have wives who tell me that they resent how much their husbands is asking. They might say something like, “He’s basically taking his job stress out on me and our marriage. He is blaming all of his unhappiness on me and the marriage and this is displaced.”

You might be completely right. But it doesn’t matter. Why? When our spouse is under stress for any reason, he might legitimately need more from us and that is fair game. I’ve had to care for an ill parent this year and, being honest, my spouse took a lot of my frustration from that but he was my rock even though he could have resented that.

Don’t think I didn’t notice or appreciate it because I did. And it actually strengthened our marriage.

I hope I’ve made it clear that even if your husband is blowing off steam if you don’t pay attention, your marriage could end up being in trouble, if it isn’t already.

You want and need to be the place and person your spouse goes to when he needs something emotionally or physically. You need to be his person. Don’t negate that by not giving him what he needs from you.

I know all of this because I almost lost my marriage by not paying attention. I was on the brink of divorce because of neglect. You can read about how I got my marriage back on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com.

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My Husband Wants a Divorce – Do I Have to Divorce Him?

By: Leslie Cane: I realize that there are situations where both people are completely on board and ready to move forward with a divorce. But, these are not the situations about which I’m commonly approached. Instead, I’m usually contacted by wives whose husbands have indicated that they want to divorce (and some have even filed/served the papers), but the wives want to save the marriage.

They will often ask things like: “Do I have to go through with the divorce if I don’t want to? Is there anything that I can do to contest or stall the divorce?” I’m not an attorney, but I would argue that, as a practical and strategic matter, “contesting” divorce is only continuing with a combative, divided stance that will push your husband further away. I believe from my research and from my own experience that while you absolutely need to buy time, standing on opposite sides from your husband is likely not going to get you any closer to your goal of saving your marriage. I’ll discuss this further in the following article and will tell you what I think is a better course to follow if you don’t want a divorce.

You Don’t Want A Divorce, But You Don’t Want To Take A Combative Stand Either: I’ve had women who have admitted to me that they’ve dodged the summons server or ignored court papers in an attempt to stall the divorce proceedings. While I understand any tactics that are going to buy time, you also don’t want to appear that you are taking an aggressive, combative stand. You don’t want your husband to think that every interaction he has with you is going to be one in which you are trying to thwart him from getting what he really wants.

If you really want to save your marriage, you’ll need to paint yourself in your most positive light. You want your husband to eventually realize that he is making a mistake rather than to think that he can’t escape fast enough. You want him to rethink his recent opinion of you and your marriage. “Fighting” him every step of the way isn’t likely to do this.

Understanding That You Need To Have A Common Goal: I often tell wives to jump on their husband’s side of this standoff, at least in theory. And I’m often met with a lot of resistance and comments like “But he’s wrong,” or “You’re asking me to give up or pretend that I’m not right?” No, that’s not what I mean at all. What I do mean is that if you want access to your husband, you’re going to have to stop being a threat. He has to know that every interaction with you is not going to turn out in a negative way or elicit negative feelings.

So, how do you achieve this? You need to agree with him (in theory) and convince him that you have common goals. This often includes agreeing that the marriage is at a crossroads and needs drastic improvement. And conceding that you aren’t happy either and that both of you deserve mutual fulfillment and satisfaction.

Once these things are said or implied, vow that you are not going to engage or behave in a way that is going to run counter to these goals. Make him understand that you fully know several things: you know that he wants a divorce; you know that you want to save the marriage; and you know that these are very different goals. However, what you are able to control is your own actions. Make sure he knows that your relationship is more important to you than “winning” this standoff. You are now more concerned that you both emerge happy and can interact in a positive way, no matter how this turns out. Explain that he is too important a person in your life to allow these nasty things between you and that, when this is over, you want to be proud of how you both handled it.

Always Remember How You Appear In Both Your Actions And Your Intentions: Understand that your goal is still to save the marriage. However, now you’re going to go about it by encouraging your husband to change his mind and his opinion of you rather than using legal wrangling or stalling tactics to force him into doing something he doesn’t really want to do.

So, this is going to require you to paint yourself in your most positive light. Your goal is to show your husband the woman that he first fell in love with. He needs to know that she still exists. I realize this will be challenging as issues regarding the divorce come up. But, always pause, take a deep breath, and remember that you need to come off as positive. You need to dig deep, dust yourself off, and put your best self on full display. Define the qualities that your husband loves about you and make sure you show him exactly those things.

Be careful not to move too quickly or allow him to see any desperation. You want to appear busy, intriguing, and full of self-respect. He already knows that you want to save the marriage. You don’t have to keep harping on it. You want to appear as someone who is dealing with the situation as best she can, but who has an eye on moving forward and remaining positive.

Men typically do not find needy, combative, desperate, or clingy women attractive. What they do respond to is quiet confidence, dignity, and grace. Often, if you play your cards right, you’ll find that he will often be curious about your change in attitude. He will often initiate some contact to feel you out.

Don’t show your hand. Don’t move too fast. Keep doing what is working – conducting yourself in a positive manner and continuing to elicit the positive feelings he didn’t expect.

When my husband initiated a divorce, I did not understand these principles and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read about that process on my blog at https://isavedmymarriage.com

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What to Do When Your Husband Files For Divorce, But You Want to Save the Marriage

By: Leslie Cane: From all of the comments that I get on my blog, the ones from wives whose husbands have just filed for divorce are often the most panicked.  There’s no question that being served with or being given divorce papers can cause panic, and the perception that the clock is now ticking.  Most of my readers want to save their marriages despite the fact that their husbands have made it clear that they want out.  However, once a divorce is initiated, the process of saving your marriage is a bit more tricky because you can’t know or predict the outcome, and your marriage has now become part of the legal system.

I must tell you upfront that I’m not a lawyer and I can not offer you any legal advice.  I write about, and my experience lies, with preventing divorces by strengthening and rescuing your marriage, so this article will focus on that aspect, rather than on legal matters about which I have no experience.  I was in this situation myself a few years ago and I was able to turn it around.  The divorce never happened, so I will share with you ways that I was able to avoid it.

Are The Issues Causing The Divorce Able To Be Worked Out?:  First, I want to make sure that the issues in the marriage are ones that can be overcome.  Most are, but issues that involve abuse, cruelty, and disrespect are typically not issues that can be fixed without serious professional intervention, and even then, it’s difficult.

However, the issues that most people think of as “serious” can often be worked through.  Stress, money issues, sexual incompatibility, lack of chemistry, “falling out of love,” infidelity, and “not being able to get along,” are all things that stem from martial neglect or external issues that are often a symptom of distance and a lack of intimacy rather than a deal-breaking problem.   Many couples just don’t realize this.  They think that if these things begin to crop up and don’t fix themselves almost immediately, the marriage is inherently flawed and must end.  In my experience and from my research, this is just not the case.  Often, fixing issues of neglect and communication will render dramatic results in a very short time.

The Biggest Problem You Face Right Now: So, even if you’ve identified your marriage as one that can be saved, the problem that you are likely facing right now is that your husband isn’t receptive to positive changes, fixing your problems, or working things out.  His filing for divorce is a pretty good indication that he thinks this is the end of the road and he’s probably not going to be willing to work with you or hear you out.

I know this is frustrating and scary, but resist the urge to pull out all of the emotional stops and engage in behaviors that are not only beneath you, but will push him further away anyway.  I’m talking about begging, arguing, threatening, debating, using the kids, etc.  Husbands see right through these things and they only cause more negative feelings and distance.  Try to stop yourself when you are tempted to act without thinking first.  In the end, all these things cause your husband to want the divorce to happen as quickly as possible to stop his exposure to this behavior.

Your Best Bet To Turn Things Around And Stop The Divorce: So, with our backs against the wall and time against us, and knowing we can’t act in a way that is going to push our husbands further away, this is what, time and again, has shown itself to be the best plan.  The only way to get your husband to be receptive to you is to disarm him.  He has to know that allowing you the time and access to him is not going to result in your trying to change his mind or negative feelings and behaviors.  And, the wall he has erected needs to come down.  You disarm him by waving the white flag or surrender – or at least making him think that you are.

Calmly tell him that although you’d very much like to make the marriage work and still love him very much, you can’t deny that he has chosen to end it.  Tell him that you both deserve to be happy and that you will not act in such a way that is counter to this.  Tell him that he is too important to you to end things on bad terms or with ill feelings between you.  Resolve that, on your end, you’re going to do everything you can to improve the interactions between you.

Now, take a deep breath.  I know this sounds scary but think about it.  It’s the only way to get you both on the same side and to get him receptive to you.  It’s your “in” or your first move in this martial chess game.  And, this is going to get that wall down and help to lessen the tension and awkwardness.

The Second Step To Saving Your Marriage When You’re Faced With Divorce: Admittedly, at first your husband may not believe your declarations of being “on board,” but your actions are going to show him that you are very serious about this.  You’re going to do exactly what you promised.  And, I highly recommend that you get out and see friends and participate in activities that you enjoy.  You want to show your husband that you respect yourself and that you’re the same fun, vibrant, alive woman that he first fell in love with.

Many women ask me if they should date or see other men to make their husbands jealous.  The answer (in my opinion) is no.  Because, even now, you should be communicating that you are still a woman who wants to save her marriage and who loves her husband, but you’re just dealing with the cards you’ve been dealt.  Dating again is not in line with this idea. However, there’s nothing wrong with letting your going out with friends and having fun “leak back” to your husband, who may just wonder what you are up to.

Because the whole idea here is to disarm your husband and show him / reintroduce him to the woman he first fell in love with.  Because right now, he thinks she’s long gone.  Your job is to show him that she is not, and that, if you both play your cards right, he can have her back.

When my husband filed for divorce, I made many of the mistakes I described in this article. I stalked, begged, threatened, tried to overcompensate, and acted very badly. These things backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course using the tactics discussed here to save the marriage. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Says He Loves Me But Isn’t Happy With Me? What Does This Mean?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husband is giving them conflicting messages about their marriage and his level of commitment.  Sometimes he is telling his wife that although he loves her, he is not happy with her or with the marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “the other day, my husband said that he needed to be honest with me about something very important. I thought he was going to tell me that he lost his job or that we were struggling financially.  But I was completely wrong.  And I was completely blindsided when he said that although he still loves me, he is not happy being married to me.  I was in so much shock, I couldn’t even get out a decent response.  He said he felt that I deserved to know the truth about this.  He never said what he intends to do about it.  So I’m still not sure why he would even tell me this unless he’s trying to warn me that he is getting ready to file for a divorce.  I know that I need to ask him to clarify all of this, but the idea of him further telling me why and how he’s not happy is almost more than I can bear.  What do men really mean when they say that they love you but aren’t happily married to you?”

While I couldn’t read this husband’s mind, I do hear from a lot of men in this situation on my blog.  So I can share with you what many of them express on this topic, which I’ll do below.

 Know That He Might Be Unhappy In Another Area Of His Life:  The men in this situation don’t come right out and say this of course.  (Sometimes, they don’t even realize it themselves.) But it’s often very easy to read between the lines.  It’s not uncommon for this whole “I’m not happy” business to come at a time when he’s otherwise struggling.  Perhaps he has lost his job.  Maybe he is going through a serious lifestyle change.  Or perhaps something is happening with his extended family.  Whatever the reason, it’s very common for a man to take a problem that has nothing whatsoever to do with his marriage and then to project that problem onto the person who is most convenient or who is the closest to him.  And that person is often his wife.

Now I don’t tell you this because I think you should challenge him on the cause of his unhappiness.  This rarely does any good.  I tell you this because I want to put this in perspective for you.  Because sometimes, when whatever the cause of his unhappiness works itself out, suddenly he is happy with the marriage again.

He Might Mean That Some Aspect Of The Marriage Is Falling Short:  Often men will offer you vague, sweeping statements about your marriage when in reality, they aren’t happy with one or two aspects of it that have become very problematic.  And there are many possible causes of this.  Just some examples are not enough intimacy, differences about money, him feeling as if he is tied down or doesn’t have enough autonomy in his life, or him feeling like marriage isn’t what he expected.

How you handle this will depend upon what, exactly, is the issue.  For example, if he is not happy because he feels like he never has any fun or excitement in his life, then you would need to show him that being married to you can be both fun and interesting.  Or, if there is an issue that keeps cropping up, it’s probably time to successfully address and eliminate that issue once and for all.  It’s very important that he sees you taking swift and decisive action because he needs to believe that the marriage can and will change so that he will remain committed to it.

How To Respond When He’s Saying That He Loves You But Isn’t Happy:  First of all, do not get overly emotional.  Don’t question him in a way that sounds accusatory or implies that he’s mistaken because of his own selfishness or because he expects too much.  Make it very clear that his problems are your problems because you want for him to be happy in a very healthy marriage.  You both deserve nothing less.

A suitable response would be something like: “well, it’s hurtful to hear you say this but I’m so glad that you are being honest with me so that I can address it.  Can you share with me why you are unhappy so that I can decide how to make the appropriate changes?  I want for you to be fulfilled so that we can be happy together.  And I know that you love me, so let’s work together so that we are both genuinely happy in this marriage.”

Notice that nothing about that response was accusatory.  It’s so tempting to ask him where you couldn’t meet his impossibly high standards but try very hard to resist this urge.  Because he has approached you and been very honest with you.  This gives you a chance to fix things before they get worse.  And although I know that it may not feel like it right now, this is a definite advantage and you truly can fix this.  I hear from so many women who have already been served divorce papers or whose husband has already left the home.  This isn’t the case here and these are very important distinctions.

My husband also told me that he wasn’t happy in our marriage.  Unfortunately, I took no action and didn’t take this all that seriously.  As a result, we separated and almost divorced.  I wish I had handled it differently because I had a lot of catching up to do.  Luckily, I finally stumbled upon some strategies that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Does A Separation Always Have To End With A Divorce?

I’ve spoken with wives whose husbands are either pressing for a separation or have already left the home to begin one. Many times, the wife is opposed to the idea and never wanted the separation in the first place. She often sees it as the first step toward divorce or the end of her marriage. I recently heard from someone who asked me, “Does a separation always end in divorce? Is there anything I can do to make sure that mine doesn’t?”

The answer to these questions depends on the situation, but no, separations most certainly do not always end in divorce. In fact, I hear from many people who have been able to turn things around and save their marriage, even after the separation has gone on for a while. In the following article, I’ll discuss some of the factors I believe contribute to couples either staying together after a separation or ending up divorced.

Things That Contribute to a Separation Ending in Divorce: I occasionally hear from people who, despite the efforts they made during their separation, ended up divorcing anyway. Although I rarely know the people or their circumstances personally, I can usually see some common themes that run through these separations and eventual divorces.

Usually, one or both spouses feel that no meaningful or lasting change has taken place. So, one or both of them decide it doesn’t make sense to keep living in limbo. They conclude it’s better to just go ahead and divorce. Sometimes, people tell me they hoped the time and distance would make them appreciate or want their spouse more — but this doesn’t always happen, especially if the spouse in question didn’t allow for that time to play out.

Other times, the couple hasn’t set firm boundaries or reached clear understandings during the separation. As a result, one or both partners begin seeing other people, which can make it hard for the marriage to stand a fair chance — because it no longer has both people’s full attention or effort. Another common scenario is that one spouse becomes so fearful and panicked that they start focusing on negative emotions. This can cause them to act out in ways that push their partner further away, sometimes even making the other spouse feel relieved to be apart.

Things That Contribute to a Separation Not Ending in Divorce: On the other hand, separated couples who do work things out tend to approach the situation a little differently. One or both of them are often able to take a step back and focus on the positive — keeping things lighter rather than emotionally heavy. They try to avoid falling into negative behaviors that stem from fear and uncertainty. I’m not saying any of this is easy. But couples who manage to do this often find that the time and distance actually help, rather than harm, their relationship.

Additionally, couples who are able to transition from a separation to saving their marriage often follow a workable plan or seek out guidance, which helps them put their situation — and their relationship — in better shape than it was before. This progress gives them the motivation to keep going and to resist the idea of divorce.

Typically, these couples sit down and agree on certain guidelines or boundaries, so that both people know what to expect. This way, they’re not just stumbling through an unfamiliar process. They might agree to check in weekly or to avoid seeing other people while they’re apart. Whatever boundaries they set, it helps if both partners honor and respect them.

To put it simply, separated couples who avoid divorce usually experience some kind of improvement that makes them want to keep trying. That improvement gives them hope — and makes them believe divorce would be a mistake.

What You Can Do If You’re Separated and Don’t Want It to End in Divorce: People often ask me what they can do to help ensure that their separation doesn’t ultimately lead to divorce. First, it helps to accept from the beginning that you can’t control what your spouse is thinking or feeling. Many people try to shame, guilt, or pressure their spouse into changing their mind — when what’s actually needed is time. Time does more of the heavy lifting than many people realize.

With that said, you can set the stage to make improvement more likely. This is where you may have more control than you think. You can keep the tone positive and focus on moving forward. That means trying — without being pushy — to reach some basic understandings and boundaries. Leaving everything vague or saying you’ll “wait and see” (when neither of you really knows what that means) can open the door to misunderstandings, frustration, and resentment.

As much as possible, you want to create an environment and dynamic that supports growth and healing. Sometimes this means not clinging so tightly that your spouse feels the need to pull further away. When your partner sees you as a source of pressure or emotional volatility, it can backfire and make reconciliation harder.

I wish I had known these things in my own marriage. Our trial separation went badly — until I realized that my actions were pushing my husband further away. Fortunately, I was able to change course and save our marriage. You can read a very personal story about how I did that on my blog at: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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