Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Lately, I’ve spoken with some wives who ask me if they should stay married because they can’t afford to get a divorce. One example is the stay-at-home mom who has been out of the workforce for quite some time and knows that her income would not be enough to support herself or her children, even with child support. Another example is the husband (or sometimes the wife who is the main earner) who knows that, should they divorce their spouse, that same spouse is going to be entitled to half of all their earnings and assets.

It’s common knowledge that the standard of living and wealth go down for everyone in the household following a divorce. It just costs a lot more to maintain two households than it does to maintain one. However, this sometimes seems a small price to pay if you are just extremely unhappy in your marriage. I often get comments like: “The only reason that my spouse and I are together is that we can’t afford to separate or divorce,” or “I don’t love my wife (or husband) anymore, but I know that I could not afford to divorce them.” I’ll address these concerns in the following article.

Tough Martial Decisions In Today’s Economy: There is no question that we are seeing fewer divorces today because of the economy. Folks who may well have divorced a couple of years ago are now staying married because of money issues. Some folks have come up with creative solutions like separating but living under one roof while still trying to maintain each spouse’s privacy and independence. This situation can provide its own set of challenges, but many feel that it’s better to stick it out this way than to lose the family home or to ruin the credit of both spouses. The upside to this is that some of these couples are finding that although it was the money that made them stick it out, eventually it was a mutual affection and love for their family, which allowed them to work it out and to save the marriage. Often, delaying the normal inclination to just divorce or walk away when things get tough allows people the time and the distance that they need to see that working things out so that each party ultimately gets the marriage that they want is quite possible.

Letting Money Be Your Motivation To Not Only Delay The Divorce, But To Save The Marriage: I know that when you found this article, you probably weren’t looking for an article on saving your marriage. You probably wanted ideas on how to make the divorce or separation work even with the money limitations. Unfortunately, that’s not advice that I feel qualified to give. In my own experience, my mother had no marketable skills when she divorced my father. She went from being a housewife to being a clerk at a convenience store. My sister and I went from a comfortable existence to suddenly worrying about being hungry or losing our home, and this was even with the child support that my father was ordered to pay by the courts. I can tell you that both my sister and I deeply wish that our parents had been able to work it out. We were only able to stay in our home because our grandparents helped my mother out financially.

And, my father walked away from his three-bedroom home with all of the sprawling oak trees that he’d planted by hand to a garage apartment that smelled of whatever the homeowner was cooking. There was no bedroom there for my sister and me. When we visited, my dad took the couch. I would venture to say that for several years following the divorce, every member of our family greatly suffered. Could they have made it work? I don’t know. I never walked in my parents’ shoes, but their marriage was not an abusive one, and I do believe that they loved one another, but neither of them had any communication or negotiation skills to speak of. Could they have learned them? Absolutely.

My point in telling you this is to show you that no matter how bad you think your marriage is or how unhappy you may think you are, divorce can be just as painful and non-fulfilling. I can’t tell you how many people write to me and confess that they are just as unhappy divorced as they were married. The truth is, if the only change that you make in your life is your marital status, this is unlikely to solve all of your problems.

Sure, there are some marriages that are irretrievably broken, and this is especially true in cases of abuse. But, as long as this is not your case and you’re in a holding pattern right now anyway, why not ask yourself if you could put more time and effort into your marriage? Because I believe that many marriages only suffer from a lack of effort and neglect. Today’s society and workplace are so fast-paced and so competitive that we often do not have the time for other things that are Often, when I tell people this, they’ll respond with things like “it’s just too late or why do I have to do all the work?” I see this point, but I can also tell you that most people would rather be happy than be right. Being indignant will only allow you to be right, but to be alone.

At the end of the day, we all want to feel loved, appreciated, and understood. We want to know that someone understands us and values us and that we matter. But often to get this, we have to give before we get. Marriage is reciprocal. So if you want more affection, attention, and effort from your spouse, you often have to give this first. But the rewards can be great. Imagine if your spouse were a source of support for you in these harsh economic times, rather than part of the problem.

There was a time when I thought my marriage was truly at its end, and money was only one of our issues. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with people who are trying to decide their next course of action after their spouse has announced that they no longer want to be married. Recently, I heard from a wife who said, in part: “Out of the blue, my husband sat me down and told me that he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He seemed pretty sure about his decision. At this point, it seems that my options are letting him go and giving him a divorce or trying to change his mind. I don’t want to walk away from my marriage. But, if he doesn’t want me, what’s the point of forcing myself on him if we’re ultimately going to divorce anyway? I just don’t know what to do.”

I truly do understand this situation. The wife felt that she was faced with nothing but options that were going to turn out badly and were going to give her what she did not want. From experience and research, I feel that there is another option here, which I’ll discuss in the following article.

Deciding How To Respond When Your Spouse No Longer Wants To Be Married: So now the wife had reached a point where the husband was waiting to hear her decision and her response. She felt quite pressured to give an either/or type of answer. It seemed to her that her only available options were to give up and comply with her husband’s request to no longer be married or to attempt to fight for the marriage, knowing that he probably would not cooperate.

She was pretty clear on the fact that she didn’t want to get a divorce without trying everything in her power to save the marriage. But she knew that this was going to be an uphill battle because he seemed convinced that marriage was no longer something he wanted to actively participate in.

I told the wife that sometimes when you’re trying to save your marriage, you have to package it and present it in a different way to avoid meeting resistance. And also, you’ll likely have to move quite slowly and not try to accomplish too much too soon.

Focusing On Saving The Love Between You Rather Than On Saving The Marriage: It was incredibly clear that the husband didn’t want to attempt to save the marriage. So, if the wife continued to push this, she ran the risk of him avoiding her altogether or of him tuning her out every time she attempted to say something. (This is exactly what happened when I pushed my own husband during our separation.)

To that end, I felt that she was better off taking her focus off of her attempts to save the marriage. This was not going to mean that she’d given up or that this was no longer her primary focus. It just meant that she was repackaging it in a way that would make her husband more receptive to her. Some people feel that this is dishonest, but I would argue that it is for the greater good.

I suggested that she make it appear that her focus was just on maintaining the relationship between them throughout the process and then gradually improving it. The next time her husband pressured her, she might just say that although she didn’t want a divorce, she just wanted for him to be happy and she wanted them to maintain their relationship even if the marriage part of it changed. She might then consider telling him that she was just going to see what happened without making a firm commitment to anything.

Obviously, the husband might still go right ahead and file the divorce papers. But this really shouldn’t change the plan, which would still be to go forward with maintaining and then improving the relationship. This sometimes means putting all of your issues and problems on hold until you’ve returned to stable ground. You want to take as much pressure out of the situation as you can. And sometimes, when you fear you’re losing too much ground, suggesting a trial separation (where preferably you’re the one who leaves) is better than him filing for divorce. Or, if he would agree to it, offer to stay in a spare room in your home.

Changing His Perceptions About You And The Marriage: Here’s where it can get tricky. Sometimes, you have the best possible plan and you’re fully committed to seeing it through, but your emotions give you away. You find it difficult not to let your fear and desperation show through when you’re around him, and this, of course, makes you appear unattractive and pushes him further away.

It’s so important that you remember what your husband loves about you the most and show him those things. It’s so incredibly easy (and understandable) to mope around and appear to be struggling. And while this may well be what’s happening inside, now more than ever, you want to show him the external qualities that drew him to you in the first place. If he fell in love with an adventurous and vivacious woman, don’t show him someone who is clinging, reluctant, and bitter because this is going to do nothing to change his mind.

Showing and portraying your best self will not only make you feel better, but it will show him that the woman he loves is still present. And, it will show him that his perceptions were potentially wrong. If he can come to learn that he was wrong about you, he might also embrace the fact that he’s wrong about no longer wanting the marriage also.

When my husband told me he didn’t want to actively participate in our marriage anymore, his mind was made up. So, I almost thought that things were hopeless. My initial efforts to save my marriage were disastrous because they were based on fear. But, thankfully, I changed course because I had to.  The new tactics saved my marriage.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with wives who are desperately trying to convince their husbands that it’s possible to save their marriage. Sometimes, the husband remains firm in his belief that the marriage is too far gone to save. I recently heard from a wife in this situation. She said, in part: “I’m pretty much willing to do anything to save my marriage. I have repeatedly told my husband this, but he won’t listen to me. He’s telling me that it’s too little done, too late. He says the window where the marriage could be saved is closed and that there’s nothing that I can do. I know that some of the problems in our marriage are my fault, and I’m willing to make up for these things, but he won’t let me. I think he’s getting ready to file for a divorce, and I’m devastated by this. What can I do when he’s saying that it’s too little, too late?”

This is a very difficult situation to navigate. The wife has many things to overcome. She must decide on the right course of action, play it all very convincingly, and gauge her husband’s reactions to tell what is working and what’s not, and then continue on. Some wives get discouraged and think it’s all too much and are tempted to give up, especially when he’s told you very plainly that it’s too late anyway.

But I have to say that in my observation, it’s not always too late. Having success and saving the marriage in this situation is not impossible, but it is often gradual and very deliberate. I will discuss this more in the following article.

When Your Husband Thinks It’s Too Late, You’ll Often Have To Show Him (Rather Than Tell Him) That He’s Wrong In This Assumption: Many wives in this situation will take the strategy of trying to talk endlessly and convince the husband that the marriage can be saved with words and promises. Or, they will suddenly take on very dramatic actions or plans to try to elicit a very dramatic reaction.

Here’s what you need to understand when you are tempted to talk endlessly or try to lay everything on very thick. Your husband has likely taken a while to get to where he is. So, his opinion is likely relatively strong, at least at this time. He’s likely watched as the marriage has become what it is now. So, it may not be realistic to think that talking or making promises is going to be all that is needed to convince him that he’s wrong.

It’s generally going to take a bit more than this over time. And, you’re often much better off if you can show him with actions rather than telling him with words. Husbands in this situation usually take what you say with a grain of salt for now. They’ve likely heard much of this before and are now disregarding it. So, in order to make real strides, you’re going to need to show them rather than tell them, because the words no longer have as much power.

Gradual Strategies Are More Realistic (And Work Better) Than The All Or Nothing Approach That Many Take: Many wives in this situation will try one thing and then immediately come back at the husband with something else when the first thing doesn’t work. This is understandable because when you’re faced with your marriage ending, everything can feel very dire. But, in order for your husband to believe that things are really changing, you’ll often have to make gradual and lasting changes in order to convince him that his assumptions may have been wrong and that you just may be making good on what you’ve said. And honestly, often the more you keep up the dramatic talk and gestures, the more he begins to tune you out.

Backing Off When You Really Want To Speed Up: I know that much of what I’ve told you may seem a bit far-fetched or counterintuitive. I know that it feels as if you need to do or say something dramatic. But, I do dialogue with the men on the other side of this coin, and most tell me that this method rarely works. They are well aware that you are pulling out the stops to get a reaction. As a result, you may want to change strategies in order to gain some ground.

One way to do this is to stop clinging so tightly, at least for a bit. Once you loosen your grip, you’ll often find that your husband is a bit more interested because he wants to know what has changed. This doesn’t mean that you pretend that you don’t care or are no longer interested. But it can mean that you shoot for small victories rather than accepting nothing less than a complete and immediate turnaround that might not happen.

Sometimes it helps to take very small steps. For example, you might want to start by just improving his reception to you. Once he realizes that you’re not going to bombard him with pleas or assertions that he’s wrong, he’ll likely listen more and avoid less. Once this happens, you can begin to gradually rebuild and show him that the two of you aren’t as far apart as he may have thought.

Only you know the central issue that is dividing you, but I’d suggest not dwelling too much on it, particularly at first. When you dwell on it, it only gains strength and presence. What you want to focus on is the people, the feelings, and the connections involved. If you can restore these things, the rest becomes so much easier.

When my husband told me it was too late to save our marriage, I made many of the mistakes I described in this article. These things backfired. Thankfully, I finally realized I was doing more harm than good and was able to change course and save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I once heard from a wife whose husband had been constantly telling her that their marriage “just wasn’t working” for him anymore and that he was thinking about exploring other options.  Needless to say, this wasn’t what she wanted to hear.  He’d been talking about separating, staying with friends, or filing for divorce. The wife didn’t want to do any of these things.  For her, the marriage was far from over.  She kept repeating, “I don’t want to give up on my marriage or my husband.  It’s not over for me.  I believe that if we worked together, we could work things out.  But he doesn’t seem to be open to this.  What can I do when I seem to be the only one who thinks it’s not over and that it can work?”This position can be a tough one.  It can be very discouraging when you feel that you’re the only one who cares.  It’s a very vulnerable place to be when you know that you’re the only one who still believes in your marriage.  But look at it this way.  At least there’s one person who still believes. Sometimes, that’s all you need, at least at first.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Understanding Your Husband’s Psychology When He Believes The Marriage Isn’t Working For Him And How To Counter:  Wives in this situation often have a knee-jerk reaction. Their first goal is usually to convince their husband to firmly commit to “work” with them to save the marriage.  And, while this is certainly understandable, it’s often a plan that fails.  The reason for this is that they are placing a questionable request on top of an already negative perception.

You have to understand your husband’s psychology right now.  He’s already come to the conclusion that, at least for him, the marriage is broken and is no longer providing the payoff that makes him want to stay in it.  So, his perceptions surrounding this situation aren’t good.  You don’t want to make them worse by suggesting that the two of you buckle down and “get to work.”

This makes it sound as if you need to hold your breath as you walk into something that is going to be less than desirable and may be downright unpleasant. This makes it less likely that he’s going to agree to cooperate.  So,  you’ll sometimes need to present something that is going to be more enticing and easier to get him to agree with. This will usually help you to take gradual steps toward getting what you want.

Breaking This Process Down Into Smaller Steps Doesn’t Mean You’re Giving Up On Your Marriage:  One of the wife’s main themes in our conversation was that she didn’t want to do anything that meant she was “giving up on her marriage” or accepting that the marriage was over.  But, her inclination (like many wives in this situation) was to push (very hard) to immediately get the husband to commit to changing his mind and committing to the marriage again. I did this, and it most certainly did not work.

And because the wives are so worried about losing their husbands, they want to change his mind sooner rather than later.  In other words, they are hoping for a very fast resolution and reconciliation.  But, unfortunately, sometimes this hope drives you to push too hard so that your husband only retreats more.

It’s my observation and experience that you’ll often have more success in this situation if you break the process down into much smaller and more gradual pieces.  Because it might be unrealistic to think that your husband may change his mind overnight or suddenly do a complete shift and say the marriage is suddenly working for him next week.

But, it might not be unrealistic to think that he may see some small improvements that give him pause in a few weeks.  And it could be possible that in a few more weeks, he’s having positive rather than negative perceptions when he thinks of you. In a few months’ time, he may feel that this marriage is perhaps working better and may begin to change his perceptions about giving up on it.

But don’t make the mistake of thinking or insisting that it’s all or nothing right this very second.  You often will get much more cooperation if you show your husband some real improvement that, at least at first, he didn’t have to work too hard to get.

Backing Off To Reevaluate Your Goals Is Not The Same As Giving Up:  Sometimes, when I explain a more gradual process to wives, they fear that I’m telling them to give up on their marriage.  I’m certainly not.  Often, I’m observing (at least from what they’ve told me) that their crusade to get their husband’s attention or to change his mind about the marriage or about splitting up doesn’t seem to be working so perhaps it makes sense to try something else.

So, what I’m often suggesting is a more gradual process that shows him the changes rather than telling him how hard he’s going to have to “work” with you to get it.  Because usually showing him something is more effective than telling him what he’s going to experience, especially when he’s reluctant in the first place.

You’re often better off if you just begin to make some changes on your own, which results in positive experiences.  This needs to come off as genuine rather than staged.  Reluctant husbands hate feeling manipulated, and you don’t want him to perceive that you’re pulling out all the stops because you are desperate.

But let’s think about the advantages that you do have. You already know that you have what it takes to make him happy.  You have done it once before.  You can do it again, but you may have to do it at a gradual and deliberate pace.  And you may have to settle for smaller victories that lead to larger ones.  But this can be preferable anyway because it often means that changes are actually lasting. You’re not giving up.  You’re just working at a gradual pace to show him that the marriage CAN be workable without too much pain and sacrifice.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage wasn’t working, so he threatened to end it. I knew that it wasn’t over for me, and I refused to give up. But, for a long time, I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. Thankfully, I turned things around with a new approach and saved my marriage.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who, during a separation or break that they themselves had asked for, had the sudden realization as to what a huge mistake they had made. I often hear comments like “I’m the one who pushed for the separation. I really thought I’d fallen out of love with my spouse. But now that we’re apart, I realize I still have a tremendous amount of love for him, and I don’t want to leave this marriage. I now realize that I made a huge mistake, but I don’t know how to approach this. He begged me to reconsider the separation, and I refused. Now, he may be moving on, and I don’t know how to tell him how stupid I really was.”

Of course, many people in this situation worry that this realization has come too late. The real fear is that your spouse has finally come to your way of thinking about the separation, when now, that’s the last thing you want. In the following article, I’ll discuss some suggestions you may want to consider if you are in this situation.

Realizing Your Mistake About The Separation Late Is Better Than Never Realizing It At All: Many people in this situation fear that it’s too late to change their minds. They worry that their spouse will be resentful and will reject them. And, they suspect that this is going to hurt even more because of their change of heart. The truth is, you often don’t know what is going to happen, and your actions and the way that you approach this could make all the difference. Not only that, but having a late realization is better than having no realization at all.

Sure, it’s not optimal that you didn’t realize how much you loved your spouse until you were apart. But, sometimes distance and time are what it takes for this realization to be possible. And, it’s better that you come to this conclusion now before things are beyond repair. Your attitude about this can shape the outcome, so try not to beat yourself up too much. You realize your mistake, and now is the time to vow to make up for it. Once you’ve done that, this is really all you can do. It’s time to take some action. Unfortunately, you can’t turn back time. But you can take responsibility and deal as best as you can with the situation that you’ve made.

Deciding Whether You’re Going To Tell Your Spouse About Your Change Of Heart: I know it’s tempting to rush and tell your spouse about your change of heart and beg for their forgiveness. And, if you’re sure that they feel the exact same way that you do, this can be logical. But if your spouse is harboring any confusion, resentment, or uncertainty, then it’s sometimes advisable to feel your way before you spring this on them.

And, if nothing has been done to change the issues that led up to the separation in the first place, you could be setting yourself up for failure. So, it can help to take some inventory of where you are now. Changing feelings and sudden realizations are a good place to start, but they often aren’t enough. And, you really only get one chance to broach this subject. So you want to make sure that you have a good handle on how receptive your spouse might be or how they might react. Sometimes, you are better off delaying this conversation until you can begin to rebuild some common ground and the tension begins to wane. You want to begin from a place of strength rather than a place of weakness, and you don’t want to offer all sorts of promises or realizations that might sound false or get a “too little, too late” response.

Many spouses who have been left harbor at least some resentment. It’s important that you are aware of this and don’t just expect them to welcome you back with open arms or without any real plan to change things for the better and for the long term.

Building The Groundwork For A Reconciliation: Of course, if you’re now realizing that the separation was a mistake, then probably what you want more than anything is to go home and get your old life back. But, gradual changes are often more lasting and believable. I often suggest moving slowly and feeling your way along. Rather than asking to be welcomed back immediately, I believe you’ll often have better success if you focus on improving the day-to-day relationship that you have right now.

Thinking that you’re going to overhaul the marriage overnight or unload a huge about-face on your spouse might be asking too much. But if you can slowly begin to change your day-to-day interactions so that you’re both wanting more and building on this, then you’ll likely find that when you broach the subject of the mistake that you made, you’ll be met with a much more positive reception.

There was a time when I thought it was too late to save my marriage. My husband was the one who wanted the separation, but I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I lucked into trying one last thing, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes dialogue with spouses who are trying desperately to hold onto their marriages while their own spouse is ready to call it quits. I hear comments like: “I’m not ready to give up on my marriage, but my spouse is. What can I do to change his mind before it’s too late? I just can’t bear the thought of my marriage ending and having to let go for good.”

This is a difficult situation. It’s daunting to think that you will have to save your marriage all by yourself, but I do firmly believe that it can be done and that this situation is far from impossible. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Who Decides When You Have To Give Up Your Marriage?: I often have spouses who ask me things like “why does my spouse get to decide when we’re going to let go or give up? What if I’m not ready? Do I just have to accept that it’s over because he says so? Why does he get to make that call?”

I understand these frustrations. It seems unfair that you should just have to go along with this if you disagree or if your heart is breaking. It’s my experience that no one truly has control of their own feelings. And, conversely, you don’t necessarily have control over your own spouse’s feelings. With that said, although you can’t control someone else’s feelings, you do sometimes have control over the situation and the circumstances.

You can try to set it up so that the situation is conducive to changing perceptions, evolving feelings, and things turning around. But this often requires a workable plan and a bit of resolve to accept gradual victories until you’ve slowly worked up to where you want to be.

Most People Who Aren’t Ready To Let Go Of Their Marriage Suspect That There Are Cards Yet To Be Played: People will often say to me things like “I have no idea why I just can’t let go. I mean, he’s pretty much spelled it out to me, but, for whatever reason, I’m so stubborn that I just can’t accept it.” I’m not sure that stubbornness is the only thing at play here. It’s my opinion that people often don’t want to or can’t “let go” because they feel or suspect that there are still things that have yet to be tried.

Deep down, many people know that there are things left unsaid or attempts to save the marriage that still haven’t been attempted. Many believe that if they could just elicit even a little bit of cooperation from their spouse, there are other things that could be tried, which just might work. And, while this may well be true, I often tell people that if they wait to get their spouse’s cooperation or the green light, they may be waiting a long time. The point is, sometimes if you have something to say, you may be better off finding the right time to say it rather than allowing yourself to wait for a time or a go-ahead that may never come.

Or if you suspect that there’s something that would save your marriage, it’s not always the best idea to wait for it to happen instead of attempting to make it happen on your own. That’s not to say that you need to be blatantly obvious about your opposition or about any plan that you have. But it’s my opinion that it’s better to take some planned action than to just wait for things to magically fall into place or to just pray that your spouse wakes up one day and changes their mind.

Where Do You Start?: Often, I will have people who tell me that what I’ve said makes sense, but, despite this, they have no idea where or how to start. They are in a situation where they know or suspect that they are the only one who thinks this marriage can work, and this can be a very vulnerable and daunting place to be. But, there’s nothing that says you will or even should try to change things overnight. Doing so probably isn’t all that realistic anyway.

I often suggest starting very small. Don’t tell yourself or your spouse you’re out to save the marriage immediately. Instead, vow to just improve things on a day-to-day basis. You might just want to connect in a light-hearted and positive way and find some common ground. As the load lightens and things become more upbeat, you may begin to gradually tackle the larger issues, but don’t try for too much too soon.

Many of the spouses who are ready to give up on their marriages tell me that they feel like the spark is gone. They don’t believe that things will ever get better. So, your true job is to show your spouse that they are wrong about these assumptions. And, you will often have an easier time showing your spouse this on a gradual basis rather than telling them something that they may not be listening to right now anyway.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that he wanted to give up on our marriage. I knew that it wasn’t over for me, and I refused to give up. This stubborn refusal is why I am still married.  It was not easy.  And my husband was not initially on board.  But I don’t regret holding on. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

By: Leslie Cane: I once heard from a wife who told me that she could literally feel her husband slipping away from her. She said in part: “I know that I’m losing him. I can feel it. He just doesn’t seem all that interested in me or the marriage anymore. I feel like any day now, he’s going to tell me that he wants a separation or a divorce. Most of the time, he neglects, avoids, or ignores me. But when I ask him if what’s wrong and what I might do, he denies that he has a problem when it’s obvious that he does. How can I save my marriage when I know that I’m losing him, especially when he won’t even admit we have a problem?”

I understood how this wife felt. You can feel very helpless when you feel him and the marriage slipping away from you. And it’s even worse when he won’t help you to fix it. In the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions on how to approach this situation.

Determining How Likely Is It That You’ll Really Lose Him: As I alluded to, this is a situation that can cause a high level of anxiety. Some husbands in this situation will tell me that their wife is “reaching” or is seeing things that don’t exist. Also, sometimes I hear from husbands who tell me that although there definitely are marital issues, they don’t plan to pack their bags and leave tomorrow (even though the wife makes assumptions along those lines.)

When fear takes over, we can become so afraid of losing our marriages that we almost brace ourselves and accept that this is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We accept this as inevitable when it certainly does not have to be. Instead of taking real action, we find ourselves in prevention mode, almost waiting for the shoe to drop.

I would never tell you to ignore what you feel. Often, these sinking little feelings are based on at least some form of reality. But sometimes this situation feels so dire and immediate that we make assumptions that lead us into an end that perhaps did not need to happen.

As much as you can, try to put the fear aside and look at the situation objectively. Ask yourself what things most contribute to your fear of losing your husband. Do either of you no longer find the marriage fulfilling? Is the closeness or intimacy gone? Is there some issue that you’re avoiding or just can’t solve? It’s important to understand the things that are contributing most to this so that you can address them. Ignoring the problem or just hoping it will go away is often a risky proposition.

Place Your Focus On A Plan Rather Than On Your Fears: It’s really so easy to fall prey to all those “what ifs” that feel as though they are imminent. Unfortunately, this can scatter your focus when what you really need is hyperfocus. Rather than dwelling on what may or may not happen or continuing to question your husband and getting the same old resistance or the same old answers, consider taking decisive action so that at least you feel a sense of empowerment or that you are doing something.

Many wives in this situation tell me that they don’t know where are how to start to save their marriage. This is especially true when their husband is neglectful or isn’t forthcoming about how he feels or what he wants. Admittedly, this does pose a challenge, but I can tell you that often, in this situation, the intimacy and bond are at issue. It’s my experience and opinion that there’s often a distance and lack of connection that wasn’t present before. If you can place your focus on this and begin to tweak the plan as more information presents itself (and as you are able to process your husband’s reactions), this is a good place to start.

You don’t necessarily have to save your marriage tomorrow, but you can immediately work on re-establishing the connection. Take things slow and try to keep things light-hearted. Try to focus on those things that bring positive reactions rather than negative ones.

Keeping An Eye On Your Terminology: I sometimes cringe when wives tell me that they are “losing” their husbands. I have said this phrase also, but it almost implies a lack of control, or as if you have no say over the outcome. I’m also not sure that you can “lose” a husband like you would an everyday object like a watch. At the end of the day, people leave marriages because they aren’t happy with them. Understanding this is vital to taking decisive action.

I sometimes see wives who sort of watch this process as it’s unfolding and then watch and wait in fear. This can be a risky plan. It’s my opinion that there’s less risk in taking some well-planned action meant to address what is really wrong rather than just hoping for the best while dreading the worst. Until you can do that, reestablishing a light-hearted connection is a good place to start.

There was a time when I thought it was too late to save my marriage. My husband had seemingly moved on and wanted me to do the same. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I lucked into trying one last thing, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

By: Leslie Cane: I recently dialogued with a wife who described her marriage as “loveless.” However, she told me that she had two children whom she would never dream of putting through a divorce.  She could not stand the thought of forcing her kids to grow up in a single-parent home. So, she knew that divorce was never going to be an option for her. Still, she could not help but feel that everyone deserves some happiness and some love in their life. So, she wanted some advice as to how she could “find happiness” even within the confines of what she had described as a loveless marriage. I will share some insights in the following article.

Starting In The Beginning: Was The Marriage Always Loveless?: To start, I wanted to know if she had always felt that this relationship was lacking in love. She told me that there had always been loving feelings. She had a huge amount of respect and affection for her husband. However, she admitted that she hadn’t felt that “passion” or “spark” that she had for other men that she had dated before she met her husband. But, she chose to be with and marry her husband because she knew that he was a stable, high-quality person of integrity and that he would make a phenomenal father.

And he HAD made a wonderful father. The fact that they had two children said that obviously, they’d had a regular sex life at some point in the marriage. Knowing this, I wanted to get to the point where things started to change. Because I hated the thought that this very nice and deserving woman was not excited about and energized by her life. It sounded to me like there were two deserving people who loved their family and who both desperately wanted to be desired and adored by the other person living in that house. So, wouldn’t it make sense to set it up so that they could find this in the other?

The wife was somewhat resistant to this. She felt strongly that she was never going to feel passionate or “in love” with her husband again. She was willing to accept this, and she just wanted to find a way to find some sort of contentment within this life. I strongly felt that she could have all of these things – personal happiness and a fulfilling and genuinely loving relationship – with her husband. Yes, it would require a bit of work, and it would require her to abandon her comfort zone. But, I’ve seen marriages left for dead rebound much more than once.

Changing And Revitalizing Your Loveless Marriage: I really wanted the wife to begin to become open to the idea that, with work and an open mind, there was no reason that this relationship could not transform. In truth, this is what happened previously, when things began to trend downhill. I asked the wife to recount for me how much “alone” time she spent with her husband in an attempt for the two of them to reconnect and to build upon the respect and affection that already existed between them.

She admitted that currently, there was “absolutely none.” Their children bonded them, and so they focused entirely on the kids. The wife admitted to me that “without the kids, there would be nothing.” I responded to her that there was a couple before the kids, so there could certainly be a couple again, but she had to make this a priority.

However, I agreed with her that she deserved individual happiness. In the same way that she had placed her marriage on the back burner, she had also placed herself in last place. It had been years since she had attended a play, knitted a project, or gone to a book club meeting with her friends, which were all things that she enjoyed very much before she got married. Somewhere along the way, she had lost herself. Likewise, her husband had placed himself upon a neglected shelf as well.

Fill Your Own Well.  You Can Not Have A Passionate Love Relationship Without A Passionate Inner Life: I often tell people that they can not give another what they do not have. That was absolutely true in this case. She could not project love and passion because she did not possess it for herself and in her life right now. I knew that focusing on her marriage was going to seem too intimidating, so I first advised her to focus on her own happiness. I wanted her to give herself permission to be “selfish” and to make the time for those things which would bring her joy. I wanted her husband to do the same. I told her that the two of them could swap babysitting. They both loved spending time with their children, so this would benefit everyone involved.

I strongly believe that once both of them were able to resume their passion and zest for life by enjoying the things that made their individual lives rich, then they would have much more to give each other and would be in a much more conducive state of mind to do so. Once the two of them were gelling on a personal level, they could then turn to their marriage, but this is going to be a gradual process.

The good news is that no one has to settle for individual or marital unhappiness. You’re only stuck in this fate when you do nothing to improve it. You know, deep down, what it takes to make you happy as an individual. You just need to give yourself permission to do more of it. You also know what makes you happy as a couple because you had that previously.  And you need to figure out a way to do that also, even with children.  Now is the time to reclaim your personal AND joint happiness, before it is too late.

Unfortunately for me, I ignored huge amounts of personal apathy until it was almost too late. I just told myself that we were “comfortable” rather than accepting that we were growing apart. This almost cost me my marriage. Luckily, over time (and by taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back our love. It took me a long time to realize that we both deserved better. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.