Would I Be Happier Divorced? Would I Be Better Off And More Content Single?

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, I hear from wives who are at their wits’ end.  They aren’t happy in their marriage and this is affecting other areas of their lives.  They worry that their unhappiness is affecting their children, their job, their friendships, and their own sense of well-being.

And many don’t know how much longer they can take being so unhappy.  Many hoped and thought that their marriage would last forever, and they do not believe in divorce.  But, they can’t deny that they no longer want to live this way.  I often hear comments like:

“Would I be happier divorced?”

“Would I be more content as a single person?”

“I’m starting to think being a divorced single mother would be easier and healthier for me and my kids than being a miserable married woman.

I’m starting to think I’d be happier and better off divorced.”

Of course, I can not make this call for anyone.  This is a decision that everyone has to weigh and make for themselves.  However, I can tell you what clinical studies tell us about whether people are happier when they get a divorce.  I will go over these statistics in the following article.

The study I’m referencing came from scholars out of the University of Chicago.  They followed unhappy couples for five years and then checked back and compared happiness levels for those who went ahead and got a divorce and those who didn’t.

If you had to guess what the findings were, what would you assume?  From the emails that I get, I think most people would assume that the individuals who responded to an unhappy marriage with a divorce ended up being happier because they were supposedly able to rid themselves or all of the drama and the conflict from their life.

Many actually hope that once they are divorced, they will turn around and find someone else and eventually be happily married again (but this time to someone else.)  You know what? The statistics actually do not back this up.

In this aforementioned study, many of the divorced people in the study were still pretty unhappy.  And, this was true for the people who divorced and even those who got remarried.   Those who went ahead and ended their marriages and (even those who found another spouse) didn’t report being any happier, and in fact, some even reported being equally as or more unhappy.

Here’s another interesting statistic from that same study.  Two of of three of the unhappy marriages that were “saved” actually described themselves as happy five years later.  So what does this tell us?  Well, it’s probably not the best idea to make assumptions.  But it looks to me like it’s certainly possible that the majority of people who are able and willing to “stick it out” and work through their issues fared better than those who thought that changing their marital status (by itself) was going to miraculously make them happy.

If Divorce Doesn’t Make You Happy, What Does?:  As I said, we don’t know that much about the couples in the study.  However, the study did mention that many of the couples who chose to save their marriage did so by waiting it out.  Basically, they were too stubborn to give in and get a divorce and were determined to save their marriage at all costs.  And guess what?  Many of them were actually happier after 5 years.

Why? Well, we can’t say for sure.  But from my own experience and from the correspondence that I get, I actually have the theory that those who commit to saving their marriages are much more willing to work on all of the things that might be affecting their marriage or making them unhappy.  They are being proactive.  Rather than believing that some external factor is going to magically make them happy, they dive in and take responsibility for this themselves.

I have corresponded with people who were sure that their spouse or their marriage is the problem.  They suspected (and were virtuously all but certain) that if they could just shed the “dead weight” or the “downer” that is their spouse, then a huge weight would be removed from their shoulders and they would suddenly have much more contentment as a single person.

But I have to tell you that this certainly does not always happen.  Because very often, they do not look at what contributed to their divorce.  They don’t examine their own tendencies and behaviors.  So they continue to repeat those same things that damaged their marriage in the first place, and these same things continue to cause them to be unhappy – and this is true whether they are divorced or single.

As I said, I truly can’t help you decide if you would be better off single or divorced.  You must make that choice, and you will often need to weigh many factors.  But I can tell you that statistics show that getting divorced doesn’t necessarily make people happier.  But staying married sometimes can, especially if you commit to figuring out what is going wrong and fixing that.

I very strongly feel that it often isn’t your spouse or even your marriage that is flawed.  It is your perceptions about, reactions towards, and behaviors in relationship to those things.

Change your outlook, change your behaviors, examine your role, and often you will come up with startling changes and improvements, and this is more likely to make you happier (at least in my opinion) than getting rid of the symptom rather than the core problem.

Honestly, I’m so glad now that I didn’t get a divorce.  Years ago, I was bitterly unhappy.  I think my husband might have thought he would be happier without me at that time.  But then I fought for my marriage.  Because I am so much happier now than I was then.  It was work, but it was so worth it.  Our marriage is fulfilling to both of us in a way that it wasn’t before.  You read my story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Husband Left Me. How Can I Get Him Back And Make Him Think It’s His Idea?

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives whose husbands have left them either in a fit of anger or because the marriage is no longer “working” for the husband.  Sometimes, he says he needs some “space,” and he isn’t sure if he will come back or not.   Other times, he leaves with the intention to move forward with a separation or divorce.

Often, this doesn’t sit well with the wives who contact me.  I hardly ever hear from women who are fine with him leaving or who accept the separation or divorce.  No, I hear from those who very firmly want to save their marriages and get their husbands back.  And often, this is not the first time that the wife is attempting to accomplish this.  Or, other times, she’s tried many different things to get him back, and nothing has worked so far.

And many women are smart enough to know (or have learned through experience) that if they try to lure him back with trickery or schemes that don’t really bring about any lasting change, he’s only going to eventually leave again.  But worse, the next time you try to bring him back after each short-lived or failed attempt, you’re going to have a much tougher time getting him to listen to or pay attention to you, much less come back to you.

So many wives ask me for advice on getting a husband to come back while making him think that it was his idea all along.  This is actually vital because no man wants to feel manipulated or that you’re the one pulling all the strings.  Accomplishing this requires a bit of luck and a whole lot of skill, but it can most definitely be done.  I know because it was something I also had to do.  (Once you’re done with this article, you can read more about that here. )

Often, you will have to move both quite deliberately and gradually, but if you take very calculated steps, you can make him feel like this whole getting back together thing was his idea all along.

You Don’t Want To Ignore Your Husband Or Pretend Like You Don’t Even Care That He’s Leaving:  There’s a lot of advice out there that asks you to flat out ignore your husband or pretend like you don’t care that he’s leaving or isn’t sure about the marriage.

I actually think that this might be taking it a bit too far.  First of all, there’s a good chance that he isn’t going to buy this act for a second.  You’d have to give an Academy Award-winning performance at all times to get him to buy this.  And, it’s probably a fair bet that at some point, your real feelings are going to peak through and blow your cover anyway.

That’s why I think there’s a happy medium between backing off a bit and also telling the truth.  I think this is so much easier to pull off if he knows that you really don’t want the break, separation, or divorce, but that you respect his decision for now and you’re going to take full advantage of the time apart to work on yourself.  There’s a big difference between this approach and pretending as if you just don’t care when you both know this just isn’t true.

Creating Mystery And Painting Yourself As Attractive As Is Possible:  If you could take one thing from this article, I would hope that it’s that you understand that you can’t allow fear to drive your actions.  Believe me, I do understand that you really want him back.  I get that you want a quick resolution.  But desperation is so very obvious to a man.  And things like fear, desperation, and jealousy are not attractive to men.

If you allow these things to show, you really do run this risk of making yourself appear less attractive to him. And then you’re taking about three steps back.  Instead, you want to look at things from his point of view.  I don’t know your husband, but I dialogue with plenty of them on my blog.  And they will usually respond better to you if you’re coming from a place of confidence.

He is far more likely to respond better to you if you back off just a little bit.  Now, this doesn’t mean overtly trying to make him jealous or going out with other men.  But there’s nothing wrong with allowing him to wander a little back.

And usually, when you back off for a while, this is what happens.  And if he questions you about this, you can tell him that you are respecting his need for space because you want him to be able to sort things out so that, when the two of you reevaluate, there’s a greater chance that you can both be happy.  In this way, you’ve covered all angles.

Next, you always want to consider how you are appearing to him.  If things have progressed to the point where he’s left or potentially wants to, it’s likely that he’s changed his view of you somewhat over time.  You want to turn back the clock so that he can begin to see you in the way that you used to.

Often, as we get more comfortable in our marriage, we let our guard down, we stop being on our best behavior, and we stop showing our husbands the best side of ourselves.  Sure, there is nothing wrong with being comfortable, but if you want to make him think that coming back is his own idea, you have a much better chance of this happening if you can show him that woman who used to light him up.

I know that I am asking a lot, but you want to show him the carefree woman that made him laugh, who made him feel like the only man and earth  – the one who understood him better than anyone else, and who made him want to be a better man.   Try to always remember this goal when you are interacting with him.  And, if you mess up, just go back to this plan the next time you see him and back off a while if things go wrong.

The Whole Strategy Behind Making Him Think Coming Back To You And The Marriage Is His Own Idea:  The whole idea behind this is that, eventually, you want to allow him to take the lead.  This might not be possible at first.  But very gradually, you want to back away more and more as you are able to.  This allows him to take the initiative and feel like he is taking part in the chase.  This is very important because it allows him to see you as worth chasing.  It increases your value in his eyes, and it increases the chances that he is really invested in this whole process.

If you play your cards right, not only will he want to come back on his own, but he’ll be fully invested in working with you to make your being together a lasting thing.  I don’t know all of this because I’m an expert.  Far from it.  But I lucked on this method in my own lif,e and it eventually worked like a charm.  You can read more about how this played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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When Is It Time To Stop Trying To Save Your Marriage If You’re Miserable And Unhappy?

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes get correspondence from people who confess that their marriage has been “unhappy,” “stale,” or “unfulfilling” for quite a while. And, most have hung in there because they had hoped things would get better or because they were opposed to a separation or divorce. But after a while of being miserable day in and day out, many begin to wonder for how long they can stand to live this way.

I often hear comments like “My marriage is an unhappy one. I don’t believe in divorce, but I don’t want to live this way forever either. How do you know when it’s time to just say you did all that you could, but the time has come to just walk away?” Or “how long are you supposed to stay put in an unhappy marriage? Mine has been miserable and unfulfilling for years, and it’s not getting any better. Part of me wants to leave, but part of me wonders if I’d be making a mistake. What should I do?”

I have to tell you that my opinion on this may be a bit biased. I was in this situation also, and how it turned out for me probably influences my answer on this topic. Nonetheless, in the following article, I’ll try to answer this question in much more depth.

It’s Sometimes Wrong To Assume That The Marriage Will Always Be An Unhappy One: One of the biggest reasons that people want to leave their marriage is because they can’t see any potential improvement or any light at the end of the tunnel. They don’t have any changes to look forward to, and they don’t want to continue on in the way that they have.

But, I have to tell you that I’ve seen many couples change their focus on “surviving” in an unhappy marriage to making that same marriage more fulfilling again, and then have wonderful results. You don’t just have to accept your marital fate. If your marriage is no longer working for you, then nothing says that you can’t or shouldn’t change it so that it is.

People who tell me that life is too short to remain in a relationship that no longer makes them happy are absolutely right. No one should have to sell themselves short or not get exactly what they want out of their lives. I would argue, though, that it’s completely possible to have both marriage and happiness at the same time. You just have to change the dynamics of the marriage.

Knowing When It’s Time (Or Not Time) To Leave Your Miserable Marriage: This is the question to which most people are looking for that very elusive answer. Many tell me that they’d hoped they would “just know” when it’s time to end the marriage, but now that they’re in their current situation, they don’t. They flip-flop from one day to the next. Last week, they may have been sure that they were ready to call it a day, but then something happened to make them doubt this.

They are also usually scared of regret or of ending a relationship in haste that has been so vitally important to them. And sometimes, they’re feeling negative feelings like guilt and fear. Often this is a tip-off for me that they’ve not yet reached the natural end. People who “know” that they’re at the end of their marriage are generally at peace with the decision. There’s no doubt, or turmoil, or indecision. Because usually, it has taken them a very long time to get to this point, and they have sincerely tried everything to change their situation, but just could not.

Doubt Is A Good Indicator That It’s NOT Yet Time To Walk Away: People who are asking someone else if the time to end the marriage has come may still be feeling a good deal of doubt and internal conflict. They are not at all at peace with the decision to leave. And even though they are admittedly unhappy, I think that on some level, they suspect that there are things left on the table and things that are still left unsaid. From experience, I suspect that there’s a part of them deep down that still wants the marriage to work. But, often they are afraid of rejection, and they don’t want to be the only one who is trying to save the marriage or who is fully invested in it.

I often tell people if they are searching for confirmation that they shouldn’t stay in the marriage (as unhappy as it might be), then they probably know in their heart that they either haven’t tried everything or they could potentially want to stay. Wanting to stay doesn’t mean that you like your marriage the way that it is or that you’re accepting a lifelong sentence of misery. It’s my experience that with the right tweaks and efforts, most marriages can be turned around. I absolutely believe that it’s completely possible to have both marriage and happiness.  It took me way too long to learn this, and I had to turn my own marriage around to learn.

But it often means making some changes and allowing some vulnerability as you begin to do so. It may feel awkward, and it might not be easy, but a short time of awkwardness will generally be worth it if the result is years and years of contentment rather than what you’re feeling now. I often don’t see this as an equation that gives you only one answer. Many people assume that they have to choose between staying in the marriage and being unhappy or leaving it and regaining their happiness. I would argue that there’s a third option — staying in the marriage but turning it around so that it’s a happy one once again.

I suppose my answer to “how long should I stay in an unhappy marriage” is until you know that you’ve done everything possible to save it and no longer question or doubt your decision.

There was a time when I thought my marriage was truly at its end. My husband had become extremely unhappy, had totally checked out, and would not lift a finger to help me reconcile our marriage. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Why I Don’t Think It’s Ever Too Late To Save Your Marriage

by: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are worried that they’ve waited too long (or not done enough) to save their troubled marriages. Many tell me that they think too much time has passed before they tried to make any positive change so they worry that there’s really nothing they can do to fix what’s been broken for a long time. And, many aren’t at peace with this and don’t want to give up. Many of these wives are looking for some latch ditch effort that’s going to repair their marriage before they are forced to throw in the towel.

I often hear comments like “when is it too late to save or fix your marriage because I’m worried that it’s just too late for us. Sometimes, I think that there’s nothing there anymore or that our relationship is so far gone that nothing is going to save it.”

Frankly, it’s my opinion that it’s almost never too late. I’ve seen couples who’ve actually been divorced get remarried. I’ve seen couples who had begun relationships with other people get back together. And, I’ve seen couples who can’t even stand to be in the same room eventually turn things around. In short, I’ve seen marriages that had long been left for dead rebound with a little effort, luck, and diligence. I will discuss this more in the following article.

If You Worry That It’s Too Late To Save Your Marriage, You Might Be Right Because Your Fears Can Become A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy: I often hear from wives who say things like “I’m not ready to give up on my marriage. I actually still love my husband, but I know that it’s too late for us.” This is so unfortunate because the wife is going to give up, all but ensuring that she’s absolutely right about it being too late. If you allow these fears and assumptions to keep you from taking any real action, then you’re pretty much guaranteeing that you’re going to get precisely what you don’t want and what you fear the most.

If you truly want and intend to save your marriage, then you’re much better off vowing to take a measured approach, to do your best, and to wait and see what happens before you make potentially dangerous assumptions. It’s often best not to try to quantify emotions and relationships that often don’t fit into neat little categories. Focus on what you can control and try to believe that if you do that well, all of the other pieces will fall into place.

Times When It May Be Too Late For The Marriage To Be Saved: There are some instances where I’ve observed that the marriage is more likely to be over. These are instances where one spouse has been abusive to another (or to the couple’s children) and just can’t or won’t make any permanent changes to ensure that this will stop.

Another instance where marriages are sometimes over is when both parties have become completely indifferent and not invested. What I mean by that is that no one is angry, fearful, or jealous anymore. Both parties are at peace with the decision to end the marriage because both of them know that it came to a natural end and that, although they did everything they could to prevent this, they fell short anyway.

However, I have to say that most of the time, this isn’t the situation that I see. More often than not, at least one spouse is indifferent. Although it’s a bit more difficult to save the marriage when one spouse is indifferent (or thinks they are,) it’s not impossible if the willing spouse is able to make some noticeable and necessary changes on their own.

Instances Where It’s Not Too Late To Fix Your Marriage: Often, I will hear from people who tell me that they’re sure that their marriage is too far gone. They’ll confess that they and their spouse tell each other that they hate the other, fight all the time, or are unfaithful. It’s as if they believe that if they can heap on a bunch of negative descriptions, I’ll finally give in and admit, “OK, your marriage is too far gone. It can’t be saved.”

This almost never happens. Why? Because if people have taken the time to find and then ask me about their marriage, they most certainly are not indifferent about what happens to it. So, it’s obvious that at least one of the spouses is still somewhat invested and not indifferent. And frankly, it doesn’t always matter that they hate each other or are constantly fighting. Sure, they will have to change these emotions and behaviors. But the presence of strong emotions (even negative ones) at least shows me that mutual indifference isn’t present.

And yes, people tell me that one of them is going to or has moved out. They tell me that they’re going to or have separated. None of these things deters me all that much. Because I’ve seen marriages such as this (including my own) rebound. I know that it can be done. The question is often not: “Is it too late to save my marriage?” Instead, it’s: “What am I going to do to save my marriage before it’s too late?”

Rather than worrying about placing a definition or restriction on your relationship, you’re often much better off coming up with an effective and workable plan. I learned this the hard way. Trust me when I say, it’s almost never too late to save your marriage. I know this for a fact as I went through this myself, but the longer that you wait to take some effective and definitive action, the harder it becomes.

There was a time when I thought it was too late to save my marriage. My husband had become extremely unhappy, had totally checked out, and would not lift a finger to help me reconcile with him. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Left And Says He’s Probably Not Coming Back. But He Can’t Say That He Doesn’t Love Me

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from women who are so confused because on the one hand, their husband is saying that he wants to leave or get a separation or divorce. But, on the other hand, he’s still eluding to the fact that he still loves his wife. The wives aren’t sure how to rectify these two opposing things. And quite often, the fact that the husband can’t or won’t say that he doesn’t love them is a particularly confusing, and bitter, pill.

I heard from a wife who said: “last week, my husband sat me down and told me that he felt that our marriage wasn’t good for either of us. He said that he felt that our relationship had become toxic so therefore he felt that it was in his best interest to leave me. I panicked and asked when he was coming back. He said that he didn’t think that he was coming back. I told him that he was saying crazy things because I knew that he loved me. He didn’t reply. So I told him that he could never say he didn’t love me. And he agreed that he couldn’t make that claim. So then why is he doing this? If he’s not at the point that he no longer loves me, then what is the point of leaving me and potentially ending the relationship? What should I do now?” Obviously, there were a lot of questions and concerns and I’ll try to take them one by one.

Men Often Leave Women They Love For Various Reasons: It’s a common misconception that people who separate or get a divorce are doing so in part because one or both of them are no longer in love with the other. This is most definitely not always the case. Sometimes, both people love each other very much. But there are issues or problems that, at least at the time, seem bigger than that love. Or sometimes, the love doesn’t seem to be enough to carry them through.

What He Says And Does Now Doesn’t Necessarily Predict The Future: I know from my own experience that it is human nature to panic. After all, your worst fear seems to be a real possibility. I know from experience that it’s very difficult to get control over these feelings when they come. But it’s also my opinion and experience that panicking will often increase the odds that your fears will come true. Because that fear and panic is likely to drive you to act in ways that are unattractive. And, this destructive process will discourage your husband to change his mind while encouraging him to decide that he was right to begin to break away all along.

The truth is, you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Plenty of people decide that they want to leave or pursue a separation or even a divorce and they end up changing their mind later. They leave and find that they desperately miss their spouse. Or, with the luxury of time, they gain a new perspective which shows them that their problems weren’t as insurmountable as they thought. Or, they realize that perhaps they are willing to compromise more than they though. Or maybe they see that the single life doesn’t agree with them after all.

Know That If He Still Loves You, Then You Have A Definite Advantage: I know that the knowledge that he likely still loves you is making you very confused and frustrated right now. But try very hard to see it as the advantage in your situation. There are some wives right now who are coming to the end of their marriage because their husband is no longer in love with them and has no problem whatsoever telling them this very directly. But this wasn’t the case here. It wasn’t a mystery that the husband still loved his wife. This was an advantage that the wife should not only understand, but take full advantage of.

I know that it’s easy to get discouraged in this situation and to focus on the fact that he’s left. But that remaining love matters and that love is what gives you the chance to work this out. Always try to remember and concentrate on that. Because that is what might make all of the difference.

I felt very strongly that my husband still loved me even after he left and began a separation.  Family and friends told me that I was crazy to maintain hope for my marriage when all seemed lost.  But I’m the one having the last laugh now because not only is my marriage in tact, it’s stronger than ever.  If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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3 Signs Your Marriage Might Be In Trouble Or Heading For Divorce (Both Inside And Outside Of Your Marriage)

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with wives who tell me that they suspect that their marriage is heading for divorce. However, sometimes when they approach their husband about these concerns, he either gets angry, denies that anything is wrong, or changes the subject. Many of these same wives know that they themselves would never initiate a divorce. But, they aren’t so sure about their husbands.

I often hear comments like: “I’m afraid we’re headed for a divorce because we don’t have anything in common anymore. He’s so distant from me, and there’s no connection anymore. We’re short and impatient with one another, and to avoid all the unpleasantness, we pretty much have come to avoid each other. Does this mean there’s a divorce in our future, and, if so, what can I do to change this?”

Although there’s no way for me to get into the mind of your husband, there are typically some universal signs that marriages exhibit when they’re potentially headed for a divorce. I will discuss these in the following article.

Do One Or Both Of You Believe That Nothing Will Change Or Improve?: I find that overwhelmingly, one of the reasons that people finally pull the trigger on a divorce is that they eventually come to believe that nothing is ever really going to change. Typically, as long as people have hope or feel as though they have something to look forward to, they will remain invested and are much more likely to hang in there, even if they know they’re not happy at the time.

But when people stop believing that there are any changes on the horizon, that’s when they’re much more likely to check out of the marriage. Once this happens, the road to a divorce will typically become shorter because they think that the status quo isn’t going to improve or change, so what’s the point in sticking around?

If you’re seeing this, you’ll want to take some swift action to show your husband that things can and will change. This doesn’t mean that you have to be overly dramatic or do things that you know aren’t sustainable. But sometimes, you have to change people’s perceptions and expectations to make them pay attention. It’s so easy to get into a rut where no one rocks the boat. But once this happens, you run the risk of your spouse believing that the status quo is all that there’s ever going to be.

Do One Or Both Of You Just Not Care Anymore: I call this indifference, but this “checking out of the marriage” can be described in many different terms. Honestly, I feel more relief if people tell me that they’re angry or fighting than when they tell me that they’re cordial but cold. When you see signs that your spouse doesn’t care where you go, who you are with, or what you’re doing, then it’s time to become concerned.

It’s so much easier to save a marriage when both people are invested. And, being invested doesn’t mean that you’re passionately in love or even getting along well. Invested spouses can think that they hate one another or have nothing in common. But, the difference is that they’re still frustrated, angry, sad, or upset. The difference lies in whether you’re feeling emotions (even if they are strong, negative ones) or not.

When people tell me that they’re just “tired” and really don’t care how this ends, then it’s most definitely a concern. However, since you’re obviously reading this article, likely, you’re likely still invested. The question then becomes whether your spouse is still invested. You can save a marriage even when one person reaches this level. But, it’s a lot harder to accomplish. Even if your husband is furious and critical, at least he cares enough to express his emotions. This can be important. Once one or both of you have shut down, maintaining or saving the marriage becomes more difficult, though not impossible.

Do Either Of You Have Divorced Parents Or Close Friends Who Have Just Divorced?: I know that this may seem like a silly question, but it’s relevant. Statistics show that a person whose parents are divorced is statistically more likely to end their marriages themselves. Also, the closer friends or family members that you have who’ve recently divorced, the higher your chances of the same becoming.

Of course, even if everyone around you divorces, this doesn’t mean that you will (or should) get a divorce yourself. But, it’s important to ask yourself if being around social norms that don’t support saving marriages is influencing you. If you don’t have role models of people who hang in there even when the marriage is challenged, how are you going to know how to do it yourself?

The thing is, you don’t have to give in to statistics. My parents are divorced (one has even been divorced twice), and I’m still married (although a divorce looked to be imminent at one time.) Saving your marriage is often a very deliberate choice. It’s not always easy. Our society is very hard on marriages. There aren’t as many resources available to us today. We will often have to help ourselves.

You don’t have to give in or be influenced by what is going on around you (although doing so isn’t often something that you’re even aware of.) Sometimes you just have to keep reminding yourself that this is your life and it’s up to you (and no one else) to decide what you really want. Once this intention has been set, I’ve found that most people will find the actions, the resources, and the tools to help them achieve their goal of saving the marriage. Your attitude and decisions truly are half the battle. If you decide that your marriage is not going to end in divorce because you will do everything in your power to save it, this will often become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There was a time when I truly thought my marriage was headed for divorce. My husband had become extremely unhappy, had totally checked out, and would not lift a finger to help me reconcile with him. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Won’t Communicate With Me: Tips And Advice That Might Help

I often hear from wives whose are desperately trying to get their husbands to open up and start talking.  Often, the lack of communication in their marriage has gone on for so long that it’s become a real problem. Unfortunately, many people don’t try to address this lack of communication until it is too late and until the culture of the marriage is one of very few words.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part:  “My husband doesn’t ever communicate with me anymore except for use one syllable words or short sentences.  The thing is, I know that he is unhappy with me and with the marriage.  I know that he’s closed himself off from me.  And he won’t even talk to me to help make things better.  Every time I broach this subject, he won’t open up.  I can’t get him to communicate in any way.  I’m even stooped to picking fights just to get a response from him.  Of course, this only makes things worse.  What can or should I do?  I know that communication is the key, but I can’t get him to communicate with me at all.”

In the following article, I will go over some ways to get your husband to communicate with you in an attempt to improve or save your marriage.

Don’t Start By Trying To Communicate About Problems In The Marriage:  Understandably, this is many wives’  first inclination.  They see that the marriage is in trouble so they figure the best thing to do is just to start talking.  The problem is that if you have a husband who is in the habit of clamming up, you’re probably only going to get more of the same.

And this is going to be discouraging and you might react in a negative way so that all you get is a loop of him not communicating, your pushing harder, and him retreating even more. (This is certainly what happened to me and it made things so much worse.)

Usually in this situation, the lack of communication is something that has built up over time.  So it’s usually going to be unrealistic to think that you can just start talking about the very difficult things in your marriage and have real and flowing conversations.  Not only is that not likely, but this attempt will sometimes feel like  a failure and eventually, the spouses might just stop trying in response.

Start Very Gradually:  Even If You Have To Have Small Talk, Talk About Something:  I know that it’s tempting to think things like “well, if he’s not going to communicate with me, then why should I go out of my way and put myself out there when all I’m going to be met with is silence?” 

That’s why it helps to start small.  Even if you’re only talking about the weather, your favorite book or sitcom, or something that the two of you just participated in, it’s extremely important to get the communication going on a regular basis. 

The reason for this is that you have to start somewhere and once the communication starts gelling and doesn’t feel as forced then you can work up to real communication about your marriage or whatever it is that is bothering your husband and making him unhappy.

Don’t Assume Him Not Communicating With You Is Absolutely Personal: Sometimes, what your husband is so tight lipped about doesn’t have as much to do with you or your marriage as you might think.  Sometimes, he is dealing with his own issues and he doesn’t want to worry you or doesn’t want for you to think less of him.  So many women assume that his not communicating is a direct reaction to them, but this isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, his upbringing contributes to his communication style or he’s just struggling to deal with something alone.

Set An Example By Putting Yourself Out There And Communicating With Him:  Sometimes, you have to take the initiative in your marriage, at least in the beginning.  If you want to get your husband to communicate with you, start by communicating with him.  And by communicating I don’t necessarily mean asking him a lot of open ended questions because men really hate this.  (I wish I had known this before I did the same thing in my own marriage.) Men often feel like they are being quizzed and they’ll often equate this to nagging.

So instead of expecting them to start talking (especially at first,) you’re often better off  just communicating yourself.  You might say what’s on your mind without any expectations.  Once you do, move on.  Don’t push or demand a response.  Just move on back to that small talk or light hearted banter we talked about.

Because eventually, when he is comfortable, he will speak up.  And if you continue to build on the regular and easy going talks, you are increasing the odds that, while he’s talking to you about the small things, he’ll also open up about the big things like your marriage or anything that he’s dealing with or is the cause of his unhappiness.

Make Sure That Your Husband Knows That You Want Him To Communicate With You Because You Want To Be There For Him: The tone with which you ask him to communicate with you is extremely important.   I often find that when women start to feel a shift or problem in their marriage or with their husband, they go into “fix it” mode.

Your husband is well aware of this and as a defense mechanism, he might clam up because he doesn’t want one response to lead to a whole bunch more questions or probings.  He also might fear that you’re going to try to fix him or the issue, or point out where he is wrong or not seeing things clearly.

It’s so important that he knows you aren’t trying to communicate with him for any of these reasons.  You’re trying to communicate with him because you know that something is bothering him and you’re hoping that by talking out it, you can help to make it better.

Your motivation is your love with him, your desire for him to be happy, and your wish for a happy marriage.  He needs to understand these things and know you aren’t trying to analyze him or debate him.  You’re just trying to be a sounding board and a safe place to fall.  I have dialogued with a lot of men about this issue and I can tell you that if you present yourself correctly, many will slowly start to open up.

My own husband quit communicating with me long before I knew my marriage was in real trouble.  Things might have been different if I had paid attention. Eventually, (though commitment and lots of effort), I was able to not only save the marriage, but to get him to open up. You can read a very personal story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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My Husband Admitted He’s No Longer Attracted To Me. What Now? Know That Attraction Isn’t Always About Looks

By: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who was devastated. Her husband had sat her down and very matter-of-factly told her that he no longer found her attractive. He told her that this was a big problem because he felt that he needed to be physically attracted in order to remain invested in the marriage. He offered no suggestions for her, but said he just wanted to be honest and wanted her to be “aware of the problem.”

Needless to say, the wife was beside herself. She said, in part: “Well, what am I supposed to do with this information? I can’t change the way that I look overnight unless I do something really drastic. I’ve gained a little weight from two pregnancies, and I no longer have time to put on gobs of makeup, but I don’t think I’m hideous. How incredibly insensitive of him to tell me I’m no longer attractive. Who does he think he is? He doesn’t like exactly like he did when I met him, and you don’t see me complaining. This hurts me so badly. I don’t want to lose my marriage. I love my husband, but I’m never going to look like a runway model. How do I make myself more attractive to him without feeling resentful about it?”

I respected this wife on so many levels. I get questioned about attraction a lot. But, most wives go into panic mode and want to know exactly how to appear attractive again, no matter what it takes. Many don’t care if the action is drastic or not. Nor do they even think about what they want or what they are comfortable with. This wife did not fall into this category. Part of her was angry and indignant. She worried about losing her self-respect. She had some spunk, and I felt like this was going to help her considerably. I’ll tell you what I told her in the following article.

Attractiveness Is Not Necessarily About The Way You Look: Many wives who tell me that their husbands no longer find them attractive automatically assume that they’re going to need to lose drastic amounts of weight, get a facelift or Botox, or attempt to look like someone else. These drastic measures are often not necessary. And I often have women tell me they took these drastic measures, and they don’t understand why their husband still isn’t happy or attracted to them.

The reason is that it’s not all about your looks. Sure, being visually appealing and well-groomed helps in almost every situation. But the way that you carry yourself and the energy that you project matter far more. Men like self-confidence and women who can make them feel good about themselves.

You have to be very careful that an unfortunate shift doesn’t begin to happen. Because often, the second a husband utters the phrase “I’m no longer attracted to you,” suddenly this changes the way that the wife feels about herself. And just like that, he’s wiped out her confidence. So she can change her face or her hair or even her weight. But, for a long time to come, she’s going to potentially look to him for her self-esteem, and this kind of self-doubt is not attractive. Typically, both husband and wife will be confused as to why the attraction still is not there when the looks have changed and improved.

It’s because attraction isn’t all about looks. It’s about confidence, self-expression, and the way that you make each other feel about yourselves. Men want their wives to be uniquely attractive because this is a reflection of a husband’s own self-image. If they have a wife who takes care of herself, this makes them feel more worthy and successful. But, if they have a wife who they perceive doesn’t care enough to attempt to fix herself up, they begin to ask themselves if they too are slipping in some way.

Here’s another very important point. Almost everyone, at some point or another, will project their problems or stressors onto their marriage. This wife’s husband was going through an issue at work that was causing him stress. So, this whole “I no longer find you attractive” business could have been more about his low self-esteem stemming from his job rather than anything having to do with his wife and how she looked.

This is not fair, but it’s extremely common. The good news is that often, as the husband begins to work out his external issues, the projection will also end. In the meantime, you can often use this as an opportunity to address the things that matter to you. Wives often ask me how far they should go so that their husband finds them attractive again. My advice is often to please yourself. Because whatever you do, you have to own it and make it work for you. If you’re not confident in it or have doubts, then this is going to show outwardly. And since you can’t get inside your husband’s head, anything you do will only be educated guesses.

And, if he’s potentially projecting anyway, this could potentially mean that attractiveness is not the real issue. So, if you make dramatic changes to your appearance, you’re sort of shooting at a moving target. But if you only worry about pleasing yourself, you don’t have to worry about any of this. And when you focus on what you want, you have a greater chance of being able to pull it off with the confidence that is necessary.

What Husbands Really Find Attractive In Their Wives: Interacting with men about this topic is an eye-opening experience. Like many wives, I used to assume that what husbands found attractive had everything to do with eye candy – a large chest, a small waist, and a youthful appearance. Believe it or not, these physical attributes are rarely mentioned.

Instead, it’s become pretty clear to me that what husbands truly find attractive is a present and enthusiastic wife. I don’t mean physically present since most everyone has that covered. I mean mentally present and having obvious enthusiasm. Men want wives who pay close attention and who prioritize closeness and intimacy in their relationship. They want to know that they matter enough for you to make time for them and to take the care that shows you are still invested.

We all know women who definitely aren’t beauty queens but who have devoted husbands who think they are knockouts. That’s because these women know how to play to their attributes and how to make their husbands feel special, heard, and appreciated. These things feed right back into his self-esteem and how he sees himself. And this directly affects how he sees you.

Sure, I advised this wife to take care of her appearance and to make the most of what she had. But I felt that it was equally important to see where else her husband may be feeling stressed. It was also advisable for her to take a look at her enthusiasm and attention levels. Finally, she should focus on making herself happy with her appearance. Usually, looking in these places will yield much more dramatic and positive results than making drastic changes that aren’t based on what you yourself find attractive.

It took me way too long to realize that I was contributing to this whole unattractive business. I had issues with myself, which rubbed off on him. When I stopped focusing on pleasing him and started focusing on pleasing myself, things changed. Luckily, over time (and taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back his attraction and love. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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My Husband’s Job Loss (And The Stress From It) Is Hurting Our Marriage So Bad We Might Be Headed For Separation Or Divorce

By: Leslie Cane: I’ve started to get a lot of emails from people whose spouses have lost their jobs in today’s economy. Often, this eventually puts a huge strain on the marriage, even if the couple had a very strong relationship before the job loss. Even when the spouse who is still working is quite supportive, sometimes the nonworking spouse becomes extremely sensitive as they struggle with new self-esteem issues that come out of the blue. Depression can even become a factor.

I recently heard from a wife who said in part: “Eight months ago, my husband lost his job. Over time, this has put a huge strain on our marriage. Things are awful for us financially, and I’m afraid that eventually, we are going to lose our house. I know this has been hard on my husband. I know that he had tried to find work. But sometimes, I come home and find him playing on the computer or watching TV. The dinner isn’t made. The laundry isn’t done. It’s a huge strain on me to be the sole breadwinner. He could help out more than he does. He’s also become short-tempered with our kids and pretty much ignores me. I don’t want to make a big situation worse by taking my kids away from their father, but I’m pretty much flying solo anyway, and it’s the same thing day after day. Sometimes, a fresh start seems very appealing to me.”

Comments like this are so common. Even if the working spouse’s dissatisfaction doesn’t reach the level of this wife’s (where one person is thinking about a separation or divorce) even very good marriages can feel the strain because worry and fear can bring out negative behaviors and deep down resentments. In the following article, I will offer some tips for this wife and for other families in this situation.

Statistics About How Job Loss Affects Marriages: You Are Not Alone: As of this writing, the jobless rate for both men and women is approaching the double digits and is hovering at almost nine percent. (It’s 8.7 percent for men.) Very few people can say that they don’t know anyone who is out of work. And with companies implementing hiring freezes or laying off, it’s very difficult to find a position that compares in status and pay to the one that was lost. This is true even for the most aggressive job hunters.

Also, there are statistics that show a correlation with the hours a person works in comparison with their spouse and their level of satisfaction with their marriage. I found a very interesting study that indicated that men who work fewer hours than their wives (meaning they are underemployed or unemployed) are over sixty percent less likely to report being very happy in their marriage.

This corresponds with what I’m seeing and hearing from folks. It appears to me that couples who are struggling with one spouse’s unemployment are less likely to be very satisfied with their marriages. Interestingly, though, divorce statistics show that divorce rates are slightly down. I suspect this is because people understand the financial hit a divorce can cause. So, some feel that it makes more sense to try to save or maintain the marriage.

Understand That A Spouse Who Loses Their Job Also Takes A Hit In Terms Of Self-Worth And Identity: The wife in this situation stressed that she truly did feel bad for her husband. She knew that he was struggling. But many of us don’t understand just how multifaceted a job loss can be and how personally devastating it can be for the person who lost their job. I sometimes hear from the spouse who is now unemployed, and they share how devastated they truly are.

Men, in particular, feel that they have let down their family in a huge way. They feel as though they are failures as a provider and they fear that their wife will see them as less than a man. I often hear comments like: “I used to be a manager. Now, I’m a nobody. I used to be the guy who could make sure my family had what they needed and some left over for a little fun too. Now, I have to tell my kids no to the extras, and I have to see my wife look at me with disappointment. It’s devastating, and it makes me feel awful.”

Needless to say, this sort of situation often puts the nonworking spouse on the defensive and, combined with the internal struggles he’s likely having, this can lead to a situation in which there is a danger of misinterpretation and taking things the wrong way.

Set Up Regular Times To Communicate So That You Aren’t Misunderstanding Each Other: In this particular situation, I determined that the wife was assuming that the husband wasn’t trying hard enough to find work and the husband was assuming that the wife felt that this whole thing was his fault even though everyone in his entire department was laid off and he spent hours a day looking for a job.

It’s important that you set up a regular time (once a week, perhaps) to sit down and go over the status of things. The husband might update the wife on how the job search is going, and the wife might update the husband on what he could do around the house to help her balance her responsibilities.

Because as it stood now, every single day, the wife was coming home and saying “did you find anything?” and the husband was forced to tell her he still hadn’t found a job, and look at her face showing disappointment. Her pressuring him wasn’t going to make him find a job any more quickly, and it made him feel quite defensive and negatively toward her, which made the whole situation worse.

Likewise, the wife only felt more pressure every day as she came home exhausted from her job and then had to face the fact that her situation wasn’t improving, and she had more work to do on the night shift, like helping the kids with their homework and straightening up.

Look For Ways To Support Your Spouse So He Or She Understands That You Know What They Are Going Through: Do you know what I find most sad about this situation? It’s so ironic that the people whom we love the most and who should be our major system of support are usually the ones we turn on first, simply because they are convenient, they are there. I did this in my own life, even though I did not realize it at the time.

Most people are guilty of this even when they don’t mean it. But if you think about it, in this situation, these spouses could provide a great deal of support and comfort to each other. But instead, they were actually a source of negative emotions. By setting it up this way, they were taking away a huge support system.

It can really help if both spouses make a firm commitment to help each other out. The husband would likely find the wife much more supportive if she would come home to dinner on the table and a reasonably straightened house (so that he was at least picking up after himself.)

And the husband likely wouldn’t have to deal as much with the wife’s “nagging” if he would roll up his sleeves and help out when he saw the opportunity. It would also help if, as I said, he would update her regularly on the job search without her needing to ask.

In this way, they could place their focus on other things, like trying to bring a little fun and enjoyment into their lives. Yes, he was unemployed. But he still had his health and his family. I know money was tight. But taking a walk with your family is free. Throwing the Frisbee with your kids is free. Checking movies you can watch as a family at the library is free. Holding your spouse’s hand or rubbing their back in support doesn’t cost you a thing and will likely pay out with things that money just can’t buy.

Although I didn’t see it coming, my marriage almost ended after my husband and I faced a time of crisis. Unfortunately, I did not understand these principles at the time and not only took my husband for granted, but lashed out at him far too much. This almost cost me my marriage. Thankfully, one day I woke up and with a lot of work and laying a new foundation, I was able to save my marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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How Do I Make My Passive Husband More Assertive? His Passiveness Is Ruining Our Marriage

I recently heard from a wife who said she was “so tired” of her husband’s passive nature. When they were first married, this didn’t bother her as much. But over the years, it had really started to grate on her, and it had become so much of a problem that she admitted that she didn’t know how much longer she could stand it.

She said, in part: “I used to think of my husband as laid back, and I actually used to like this trait. But now, I just see him as sort of spineless. Nothing stirs up any emotion in him. If things are awful or wonderful, you get the same result from him. There’s never any ups or downs. There’s never any dramatic reaction. It’s as if he’s just there but doesn’t really care about anything. If something does something unfair or unjust to someone in our family, I want him to speak up, but he doesn’t. I can’t count on my husband to stick up for me or our children. Nothing seems to register on his radar. At this point, I am losing respect for him. And, I think you need respect for a marriage to work. If I can’t get to change, at least a little, I can’t see staying with a man who is so passive.”

There’s no doubt this is a tough situation. The thing is, the husband had always been passive. In the beginning, the wife actually liked this about him. She came from a home where both of her parents were quick to get worked up, shout, or overreact, so him being so laid back was actually a safe haven for her.

But she herself was also a bit passive. Growing up with highly emotional parents, she had learned to push down her own emotions and reactions. So, because she herself was passive, it frustrated her when no one in her family ever stood up to wrongs or had appropriate reactions. And, when this upset her, her husband accused her of overreacting or of being overly emotional when in fact her responses were quite understandable.

While You Probably Can’t Demand That Your Husband Become More Assertive, You Can Use Positive Feedback To Encourage Him To Do So: After a bit of conversation, it became clear that this wife wasn’t at all shy about telling her husband how she felt about his passiveness. She was often verbal and critical about this, which of course, only caused her husband to withdraw even more.

Not only that, but he became defensive and more introverted as a result of her criticism.  So clearly, the strategy that she was using now was just not working.  Instead, I encouraged her to use some positive feedback.  On the rare occasions that she saw her husband being assertive, she should think about praising him and drawing attention to how this made her feel positively toward her.  It never hurts to give some physical encouragement, either.  Because when husbands see that their actions make their wives feel more loving toward them, they are much more likely to repeat this behavior.

When You Call A Man Passive With Criticism, You Are Criticizing Who And What He Is (There’s A Better Way:)  Just for a second, I’m going to look at it from a man’s perspective.  Because I also hear about this from the man’s point of view, and I can tell you that hearing their wife say that they are passive is akin to hearing their wife say they aren’t much of a man.  And of course, they sometimes think of this in sexual terms which wounds them quite deeply.

When you offer up phrases like “you are so passive!!  Why can’t you just be more assertive?,” they can take this as though you don’t love and understand who they genuinely are.  They can internalize this to mean that you don’t like and respect the person rather than the behavior.

I hear this a lot from men who have had affairs.  They will sometimes justify their actions because their wife gave them the impression that she didn’t respect them, and of course, when someone else counters this, it’s very tempting for him to act on this because of course, he wants to feel some self-respect.

I’m not saying that you don’t have a right to ask him to be more assertive. You do.  My point is that you have to be very careful about how you phrase and portray this.  You never want him to think you are being critical of him rather than the behavior.

Things You Might Say To Inspire More Assertiveness In Your Husband Before This Hurts Your Marriage:  This was clearly a very serious problem for the wife.  She had a valid concern, so it was important she didn’t keep this inside.  But as I said, you have to be careful with this.  You don’t want this to sound like criticism so that he becomes even more introverted.

So the next time this bothered the wife or she hinted that she wanted her husband to act on her behalf, she might say something like “This is so upsetting to me.  Can you support me and address this?  It would mean a lot to me if you would come to my defense.  It makes me feel so cared for when you go to bat for me, and seeing emotion from you is a real turn-on for me.”

I know that this sounds somewhat corny in written form, but I guarantee you that it is likely to get you a better response than what this wife had been doing, which was criticizing and berating her husband for a personality trait that he had always had.

I strongly suspected that if she presented this in the right way and then heaped on tons of praise and physical affection when she saw more of what she wanted, she was going to start seeing a whole lot more assertive behavior and this problem was going to lessen quite a bit, which in turn could really help the marriage.

Unfortunately for me, I got in the habit of ignoring problems like this, and my husband and I began to drift apart. This almost cost me my marriage. Making things better took a 380-degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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