Articles About Saving Your Relationship
Thanks for visiting my site. You may have read my articles on the web or you may have found me from http://isavedmymarriage.com. However you found me, I’m glad you’re here. I’m attempting to put my past (and present) work in one place. You can see a list of all posted articles on the right hand side. There’s also a search button on the right hand top right. I hope you find something that is useful and helpful.
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Saving your marriage when you’re separated can be an extremely difficult juggling act. On the one hand, you don’t want to appear so desperate and needy that you scare your spouse away, but you don’t want to back off so much that he thinks you’re letting him go, or he moves on without you because of “out of sight, out of mind.”
I know this process because I had to do this dance myself. And I messed it up countless times. I tried to take the lead when I should’ve been allowing my husband to take the lead. I called, texted, and basically stalked when I knew deep down in my heart this was only making things worse.
By the time my marriage had withstood all of my mistakes, my husband had filed for divorce, I think because he just didn’t want to deal with me anymore, and he suspected that nothing was ever going to change. Thankfully, I changed course fast and finally tried something that eventually worked. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips on saving you’re marriage when you’re separated.
Don’t Take Things To Extremes: You Don’t Want To Ignore Your Spouse, But You Don’t Want To Hang On Their Every Word Either: In theory, the reason for a separation is to give you and your spouse time to see how they really feel about the marriage in order to decide where they want to go from here.
But if you’re constantly contacting, following, debating with, engaging, and otherwise creating drama with your spouse, then you’re actually keeping this process from happening. You are actually doing the opposite of what you should be allowing to happen.
Now, sometimes in an attempt to avoid this, people will try to play mind games and avoid their spouse. They’ll pretend that they don’t care. They might even try to make their spouse jealous with another person. All of these things can potentially make you seem unstable and manipulative, and this does not help your cause either.
The real key here is to strike a balance. Nothing’s wrong with your spouse knowing that you aren’t thrilled about the separation, but they should know that you respect it enough to honor it because you are trying to set it up so that both of you can one day be happy again. And, if a separation takes this, so be it. This leads me to my next point.
Make Sure Your Spouse Knows That Your Goal Is Not To Change Their Mind. Your Goal Is For You Both To Be Happy: Many times, we become very short-sighted when we are trying to save our marriage at all costs. We are sometimes willing to do nearly anything to change our spouse’s mind. And this can lead to desperate actions that can make your spouse feel as if you are trying to manipulate them.
Once they suspect that you aren’t being genuine, they will be even more determined to see this through until the end. So sometimes, the quickest way to get your spouse home after a separation is to make sure your spouse knows that your main goal is to focus on making sure that you both have what you need to be happy.
You aren’t trying to change his mind just to get his way or for change’s sake. No, you only want him to change his mind WHEN he knows he can be happy. If you play your cards right, this can happen more quickly than you think.
Do Not Do The Heavy Lifting Until Your Spouse Is Really Committed To The Marriage Again: If all goes well, you should begin to feel your spouse shift a bit and become more receptive to you. I know that at that point, it may feel so tempting to jump up and down and get them back home ASAP so that you can “work” on your marriage.
Please resist this urge. You have to move very deliberately at this time. Your marriage is still vulnerable, so this is not the time to go digging into your problems or debating who was right or who was wrong. I am certainly not saying that you won’t have to work through the issues that led to the separation. You should and you will.
But before you attempt this, you should give yourselves time to reconnect and recommit. You want to make sure that your marriage is back on solid ground so that it can withstand your working through your problems.
And when that day comes, you want to keep the entire process as upbeat and positive as possible. Your spouse will feel closer and more connected to you if they can feel good and positive in your presence. If you’re forever dwelling on what’s wrong, this is hard to accomplish.
By no means am I saying you should ignore your problems, but you should ease your way into working through them.
I know this because I made many of the mistakes I’m telling you not to make. My husband had served me with divorce papers before I finally woke up. It took a lot of effort and skill to change his mind. But I did. You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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by: Leslie Cane: I often hear from very upset wives who have been told something quite upsetting by their husbands. In short, he’s typically told her that he is no longer “in love” with her because he’s either no longer attracted to her or just doesn’t find her physically appealing anymore. Wives often tell me things like: “In the heat of the moment, my husband admitted that he’s just no longer attracted to me, and he thinks he’s fallen out of love with me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear the thought of divorce, and it makes me so sad that he no longer sees me in the way that he used to. What can I do now?”
The answer to these questions depends greatly upon the circumstances and the personalities of the people who are involved. However, this is the kind of thing that your instincts will usually tell you that you can’t ignore. It’s typically not the best idea to hope that he didn’t mean it or that things will get better on their own. This is one of those times where it is generally in your best interest to take the quick and decisive action that you can convincingly pull off. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Understanding That Your Husband Might Be Projecting Other Negative Feelings And Doubts Onto You: I know that hearing this sort of thing is devastating, and it would do absolutely no good for me to advise that you don’t take it personally. I do understand this, as I have been in this situation before. But, I do have to tell you that people who are under stress in other areas in their lives have a tendency to project this onto those closest to them. In this case, that person appears to be you.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that his words aren’t at least partly true, but it also doesn’t mean that they were meant as harshly as he said them. We’ve all had instances where we’ve said things in anger and then have not only greatly regretted this later, but also come to realize that we didn’t mean them in the first place. Try to keep an open mind that this may also be the case here. It’s very common for a husband to project his frustration about the marriage, his job, feeling misunderstood, or a multitude of other issues onto those who are easily available to him.
Desperate Behaviors Or Behaviors That Read Negatively Are Not Typically Perceived As Attractive: I know that it’s very tempting to want to take very dramatic action very quickly. You want some relief from the way that you feel right now, and that’s entirely understandable. But be careful with your actions and reactions. It’s so understandable and so easy to want to fall back on negative emotions. It’s easy to want to engage or to argue or even to consider lashing out.
But these behaviors will often only bring about negative emotions in him. And, as we’ve discussed, these negative emotions will often cloud the way that he sees you. This doesn’t mean that you have to act in a way that’s not genuine. But always try to consider how you’ll be perceived before you act. It certainly doesn’t hurt to take a measured approach so that you’re improving his perceptions rather than reinforcing them. I dialog with men in this situation on a very regular basis. And I can tell you that they almost overwhelmingly tell me that desperation and engaging behaviors are not considered attractive. Rather, they find confident and direct women to be a bit more appealing.
What A Husband Often Means When He Says He No Longer Finds You Attractive: I realize that husbands might find what I’m about to say debatable, but I’ve noticed some common trends when I discuss this topic with them. It’s my opinion that what many have really fallen out of love with is the marriage and the fact that it no longer gives them the payoff that they had previously experienced and have now come to expect.
They often tell me that the happy-go-lucky wife who used to bring out the light-hearted side of them is now gone and has been replaced with someone who is scattered, not observant, no longer as interested in them, and often withdrawn. The resentment that they can feel about this can’t be overstated. And this can very much cloud how they see you and this can even contribute to all of the “finding you unattractive” talk that is going on right now.
Changing Your Actions And Behaviors Will Often Give Even Better Results That Changing Your Looks: Many women in this situation tell me that they are considering drastic measures like a facelift or liposuction. In my experience, you will often get better results when you change where you place your attention, your focus, and your priorities.
Sometimes, showing your husband that you are listening, that you do appreciate him, that you do understand where he is coming from, and that you are willing to make some real and lasting change will often be much more effective than any physical changes you could possibly make. The truth is, women who make men feel good about themselves appear beautiful in those same men’s eyes.
Sure, making changes to your appearance that make you feel good about yourself and help you to pull this off with confidence is typically a good idea. You want to be as confident as you can possibly be. But you often don’t need a drastic change to get to this place. You just need to remember that the person your husband fell in love with and wanted to marry is you. Typically, you see this woman in the mirror every day without really seeing the nuances of who she is. Often, if you can bring the best parts of her back, your husband will begin to see you (both physically and emotionally) in a much different way.
Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions and my words when I felt my husband’s love slipping away and when he flat-out told me I wasn’t all that attractive to him anymore. Making things better took a 380-degree turnaround on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy and save the marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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I once spoke with a wife who told me that she knew her marriage was in real trouble. Over the past six months, she had felt her husband become more and more distant. He had been spending more time at work and less time with her.
They hadn’t been intimate regularly, rarely had any fun, and were pretty much just coexisting. The wife was absolutely not OK with this. She was still very invested in her marriage, even though she was beginning to doubt if the same was true for her husband.
Sometimes, she tried to schedule some time with him, but he would brush her off. Or, if she mentioned her concerns, he would tell her that she was seeing things that weren’t there and again retreat into himself and shut her out.
The wife said, “I know that I need to do something because if I don’t, I think our marriage is in real trouble. He doesn’t even look at me the same way anymore. He sort of looks through me. How can I reconnect with him before it’s too late when he acts like he doesn’t even care if I’m here or not?”
I felt for this wife, but I was so glad that she was paying attention and didn’t let the distance get any worse before she took some action. So many people visit my blog and ask for advice after the damage has already taken place. Or after their spouse has already asked for a separation or divorce.
No one in this situation had brought up a break, although I know that she felt her marriage was in real trouble. So hopefully, she was taking action before things got to the point of no return. In the following article, I’ll discuss ways to reconnect with your husband when your marriage is in trouble – even if he’s not receptive at first.
Meet Him Where He Already Is. Find His Currency: One big issue that this wife was facing was that every time she would suggest that she and her husband spend time together, he would sort of blow her off and avoid her. This hurt her feelings and made her feel that things were only getting worse.
He’d been spending a lot of time away from her. He particularly enjoyed sporting events and concerts. So I suggested the next time he was getting ready to take off, she announce that she was going with him. You can’t reconnect if you don’t spend time together.
And, sometimes in order to spend together, you will have to come to him, at least at first. Sure, maybe you’re not into sports or whatever he is into – but you’re into your husband, right? It’s worth it to meet him more than halfway. You’re just using this as an “in” to spend some time with him to begin the process.
Figure Out Why He’s Becoming Distant And Lighten His Load: I strongly suspected that there was probably something going on in the husband’s head or life that he wasn’t sharing with his wife. When people suddenly become distant for no apparent reason and the trend continues (even when you make an effort and pay attention), there is usually a reason for this.
Sometimes, he is keeping an issue from you because he doesn’t want to worry or hurt you. Or other times, he’s backing off or becoming distant as the result of something you said, did, or did not do. Many husbands in this situation tell me that they don’t feel their wife makes the time for them or care deeply about what is going on. Other times, a lack of time and effort in the marriage has lessened the feelings between the people within his marriage, and he creates distance as a way to show this.
Rather than speak up, most will retreat inward and become distant in response. But usually, once you notice this, the damage has already been done. So what do you do now? Well, coming right out and asking him what the problem is may or may not work. And frankly, the wife had done this numerous times.
But, the key is to start spending more time together (even if it means you go where he is) and then just observe him and see if anything comes up. You likely know this man better than anyone on earth. If he’s not acting like himself, there’s likely a reason. It’s your job to find it and then do something to lighten his load or support him. Once he’s feeling understood and supported, he’s much more likely to feel connected to you again and willing to reconnect even more.
Without A Doubt, Having Fun With Your Spouse Is The Best Way To Reconnect: Sometimes, when people ask me for advice on how to reconnect, it’s obvious they are picturing this as a serious affair. They feel like they are going to have to “get down to work” and “save this marriage.”
I know that it feels that way, but that’s honestly the worst approach that you can take. People feel connected to people who make them smile, laugh, and with whom they can have fun. If you want your spouse to respond to you, you’ll increase your chances of this if you approach them in a very light-hearted way.
If you can both step outside of your comfort zone and experience new things together, even better. The goal is to rediscover each other. This does not have to cost a lot of money. In fact, it’s better if it doesn’t.
Don’t think about the trouble in your marriage. Don’t think about the distance. Just think about the two people who used to love each other so much that they never wanted to be with anyone else.
Don’t force or push it. Go in with good intentions, an open heart, a light-hearted attitude, and allow it to happen. Watch your spouse’s cues and know when to let them take the lead, and know when you need to.
One more point. Many people will be tempted to schedule a long or expensive vacation as a way to reconnect. I advise you to keep things short and sweet. Sometimes what can happen is on this “reconnection” trip or “big” event, you’ll find that there isn’t much to talk about, or things fizzle out because you didn’t build up to this.
If you have noticed this type of distance for a while, it’s best to build up to this so that you will always have a good experience and want more rather than want less.
How do I know this? Because I lived it. Unfortunately, I waited until my husband wanted a separation and eventually a divorce before I decided to “reconnect.” This was almost too late, and it nearly cost me my marriage. I was ultimately able to save my marriage, but not until I learned new skills the hard way. I’m trying to save you from this. You can read about my mistakes and triumphs at http://isavedmymarriage.com.
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by: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who told me that her husband had firmly told her that he was “sick of” her lies and was considering a divorce. The wife had to admit that the husband was extremely justified in his frustration. In truth, the wife had lied to him early in their relationship. And, to cover up many of those early lies, she’d had to stretch the truth a bit for longer than she had intended. This had sort of blown up in her face, and her husband was very fed up and had lost all patience.
She wanted to know if it was possible to save her marriage after her “history of lies.” She wanted to know how to make her husband see that she had never been trying to be malicious, but she had been afraid that he would not find her attractive if he had known the truth about her past. And there were under concerns as well. The wife had recently caught the husband in his own lies. I guess he figured that he had more leeway since she had been dishonest first. He’d been telling her that he’d been working when he’d instead been going out with friends.
While none of these untruths were malicious, they still took their toll. It was understandable that the wife didn’t want to divulge things about her past and her troubled family. But, she had never misrepresented or been untrue about her feelings for and commitment to her husband. I felt that making the husband understand this was going to be the key to saving the marriage. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Changing The Culture Of Lies In A Marriage: I felt that the first thing that the wife needed to do was to stress to both her husband and herself that there would be no more untruths. This needed to be true no matter what the subject matter was. I also felt that things might be improved if the wife sat her husband down and just came clean about everything. Trying to cover up all of the lies was becoming exhausting and was hurting her marriage. The husband needed to see that she was willing to be very vulnerable in order to make some heartfelt changes. And she also needed to make it clear that the husband did not need to worry about her lying and omitting the truth in the future.
I felt it best not to dwell on the husband’s behavior. There was really no need to make things worse right now. Eventually, as things improved, other issues could have been addressed. But this couple was already on incredibly shaky ground. So, there was no need to try to address multiple problems all at once. I suspected that if the wife was able to lessen some of the resentment and tension, she would also begin to see some improvement in her husband’s behavior.
Eliminating The “Walking On Eggshells” Environment: The wife understood that much of this situation was her fault. But, she was starting to very much resent always having to feel like the second class citizen in the marriage. She told me that she felt like she was “constantly walking on eggshells” and that she felt as though her husband was always just waiting for her to mess up. She knew that she mostly deserved it. But it made it difficult for her to be spontaneous and comfortable.
This was absolutely understandable, and it didn’t need to continue. I felt that if she came clean, gave a heartfelt apology, and then began acting appropriately to indicate that she was putting this behind her and expected him to do the same, she might be pleasantly surprised. If she weren’t happy with his response, she could always directly but calmly tell her husband that it made her unhappy to keep living this way and that she felt that doing so would undermine their efforts to be happy.
They were going to have a much greater chance of success if they could bring some lightheartedness into their home. This wasn’t going to begin happening if they continued to dwell on what could not be changed. In truth, the husband was very attracted to the wife’s dramatic and fun-loving personality. His continuing to harp on what was in the past was only going to eventually choke this out.
I felt the wife should set the tone with her own attitude and behaviors, he would eventually follow along. Granted, a history of lies is not the best way to begin a marriage. But, there were a lot of things that drew these two people together. And, they did love one another and now had a family to consider. They couldn’t change what was in the past, but they could define a new, better, and much more honest future.
There was a time when I thought my marriage was truly at its end. My husband was resentful, distant, and withdrawn. He eventually moved out and pursued a separation. I had feared this for a long time. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it in a new way. This eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.
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by: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who was feeling increasingly distant from her husband. Over the past few years, she had noticed some changes in him. And, these were changes that she didn’t like all that much. She told me that her husband used to be easy-going and laid back. Today, he was critical, uptight, and judgmental. But every time she tried to bring this up with him, he became offended and pulled away from her.
The last straw was when she found out that her husband had hidden a demotion at work from her. She heard about it from the wife of a coworker. It had happened months ago, and yet the husband had remained silent about the whole situation. He had lost some accounts and was apparently in a downward spiral at work, and yet he had kept this news, which affected both of them, to himself. This led the wife to believe that he might be hiding other important things from her. She told me, in part: “I’m not sure if I know who this man is anymore. He is not the man I married. I don’t believe in divorce, but I’m not sure that I want to be someone who won’t even be honest with or share things with me.”
Is It The Circumstances? Or The Person?: I’m asked about situations like this quite often. And, I don’t completely buy the theory that someone can change who they are overnight or even over large periods of time. Often, I find that the circumstances surrounding that person have changed. And, the person’s reactions to these changing circumstances are sometimes reactions that the other spouse can not embrace or does not approve of. This doesn’t mean, however, that the husband is a different person and that she no longer knows him. What it means is that his reactions to new and troublesome situations feel quite foreign to her.
In my opinion, though, this marriage could most certainly improve and even survive. This might require some give and take on the part of both spouses. But, I didn’t buy the theory that the husband woke up one day as someone else. And, this was actually good news for the wife. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Looking At Both The Circumstances And The Person: It was very easy and tempting for the wife to focus solely on her husband’s changing personality. But she had glossed over the very notable changes in their lives. The economy had forced them to drastically change their lifestyle and this had brought on a lot of additional worries and pressures. Within the last 18 months, they had added a child to their family, and the husband’s mother had been diagnosed with cancer. Because of the economy, the husband had lost many of his sales contracts that the family had relied upon. He likely felt very helpless, frustrated, and vulnerable as a result.
The wife conceded that all of these factors weighed heavily on her husband, but she asserted that this still didn’t give him the right to act like a complete stranger. And, she certainly had a point. But, sometimes if you can look at it from your husband’s point of view, you might see the situation a bit differently. This can help your perceptions, which can, in turn, help your situation.
Seeing Things From The Husband’s Point Of View: I will admit that I didn’t personally know either of the parties involved. But I have heard from many husbands in this situation. And here’s what many of them tell me. They will often say that they see it differently. They will say things like: “My wife used to accept me for who I am. In fact, she used to love who I am. Today, she seems to loathe the personality traits that she used to love the most. She just doesn’t see how much pressure I’m under and how much is on my shoulders. I’m doing the best that I can for our family. But, instead of seeing this, she just criticizes me and this only makes me feel worse about myself. Doesn’t she realize that the more she criticizes me, the more I am going to withdraw, and the more she is going to see the person that she doesn’t like all that much? Am I perfect? Of course not. But she would probably get a better result if she supported me and tried to help me rather than criticize me.”
Moving On From Here: Hopefully, you can see that both spouses have valid points of view. The wife had every right to be concerned about the changes in her husband. But the husband had every right to ask for support rather than criticism. I suggested that the next time the wife wanted to bring up this issue, she might approach him from a place of concern and support rather than from a place of criticism. Instead, she might say something like: “I’m noticing some changes in you that hurt and frustrate me, and I’m pretty sure that you’re not having the best time either right now. Is there anything that I can do to help or support you right now? I want to lighten your load, but I can’t do that if you keep things secret from me, become defensive and critical, and keep me in the dark. I miss the man who used to make me laugh, and I know that you miss the woman who supported you no matter what. Can we work together so that both of us get more of what we want?”
Granted, one conversation was probably not going to magically turn this situation around or solve all of the couple’s problems. But an attitude of cooperation will often go a long way toward making some improvements. If the husband felt more understood and supported, he was less likely to be secretive and critical. And once the wife started to see the attributes that she loved and was very much missing, she was going to have an easier time being supportive. So, the whole cycle would start to feed on itself in a positive way rather than a negative one.
There was a time when I thought my marriage was truly at its end. My husband was resentful, distant, and withdrawn. I believe he was flirting with the idea of a divorce. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing, to give a little more, and to approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.
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I’m very commonly asked how to restore a feeling of closeness in your marriage. I once spoke with a wife who told me that she was extremely troubled because she no longer felt close to or intimate with her husband. For a couple of years now, she’d noticed a troubling distance growing between them.
Unfortunately, she told herself that they had just grown comfortable with each other and that perhaps she was just expecting too much or imagining things. So she really didn’t do much about it. But now, she was in a situation where her husband wasn’t always including her in many aspects of his life. He’d recently begun visiting family and friends alone. He’d started talking about taking a vacation with his guy friends.
But more than this, there just wasn’t the feeling of closeness that used to define their marriage in the early days. The wife told me, in part: “I miss the closeness my husband and I used to share. It used to be that we were always together, told each other everything, and finished each other’s sentences. Neither of us would think of going somewhere without the other. But now, he thinks nothing of excluding me. Sometimes, I notice him rolling his eyes at me. And often, I realize when I’m talking to him that he just isn’t listening. He used to spontaneously hold my hand or pick me flowers out of our yard and leave them by the kitchen sink for me to find in the morning before I poured my coffee. He never does that anymore.”
“I feel a loss about this. I miss him. I miss his touch, our talks, and just knowing that someone else in this world understood and loved me. Now I feel as though we merely take up the same space, but that’s about it. When I try to discuss this with my husband, he acts like I’m being silly, but then he does nothing to reassure me or to bring us close. What can I do? How can I restore the closeness in our marriage because it appears like I’m the only one who cares?”
I could really identify with this wife. On an almost weekly basis, I hear from wives who tell me that one day, it seems like they wake up next to a stranger to whom they don’t feel as close as they once did, even though most still love and are committed to their husbands. It sometimes happens so gradually that when you realize how far you’ve fallen, your marriage can be in real trouble. In the following article, I’ll go over how to restore the closeness in your marriage.
Start Small But Very Deliberately To Make The Process Pleasurable And Less Awkward: Many people make the mistake of trying to do too much all at once. They panic. They worry that their marriage is in real trouble, and they try to make very drastic or desperate changes. They’ll book a long trip or try to spend every waking moment with their spouse all of a sudden.
What sometimes happens then is that things are a bit awkward and forced. And the spouses can take this to mean that they just aren’t compatible anymore or that things have gotten worse than they thought. This, in turn, discourages then from continuing on or they worry that they are doing something wrong, and this derails them and ensures that they don’t ultimately restore the closeness which can make things even worse.
That’s why I really advocate small steps. You want to ease your way into this so that it doesn’t feel awkward or forced. You want to experience success with each step so that you’ll keep going. Start out by doing small things like taking a walk after dinner or offering to give your spouse a back rub. This doesn’t have to lead to anything major (although I can tell you that men tell me all the time that they equate intimacy with closeness).
These small thing will hopefully form the beginning of new habits and changing up the culture of your marriage. As you continue to have success, you can ramp up your efforts a bit, as it feels comfortable to you and as you are getting good results and feedback. Honestly, your goal is to get the spark back in your marriage. Because it truly is this spark that makes you feel close to one another.
What happens if things just aren’t clicking, or you worry that it will never work, or you even feel rejected? Just keep trying as you are able. It will come, which leads me to my next point.
Be Willing To Step Outside Of Your Comfort Zone: Think back to when you first met and fell in love with your husband. Back then, I’ll bet even the most mundane things seemed special just because you were together. And many people will be tempted to do things they used to enjoy together as a first step to restore this closeness. This can be a good idea, or you might want to try something new to shake things up. It’s even better if it’s an activity that forces or encourages you to work together.
The whole idea is for both of you to be enjoying yourselves and to feel highly alive while you are together, so that the spark returns. When the spark is there, you often can’t help wanting to feel closer to your spouse. This is a basic human instinct. Once things are clicking, you will want to shake things up in the bedroom, also. This frankly, will suddenly make your husband quite interested in your feeling close to him again.
Make Restoring The Closeness Something That You Schedule In Your Own Mind: You may or may not share with your spouse any plan you have about restoring the closeness. Because some are open to this, and others will tell you that the problem is all in your head, or have become so distant that they’re not all that receptive.
Whatever you’re dealing with, it really helps to give yourself goals and then follow up with yourself to make sure you are meeting them. Maybe you want to make it a priority to “check in” with your spouse once per day and spend some quiet time together. This doesn’t have to mean a physical connection. It can mean a mental connection or just a conversation.
Perhaps you want to make it a goal to enjoy an activity outside of your house once or twice a week. Maybe you want to make sure that not more than a few days go by before you are intimate.
I know that it can seem kind of unnatural to schedule this sort of thing, especially when you’re used to being spontaneous, but you honestly can’t just expect these things to happen on their own. If you don’t take deliberate and regular action, the distance might grow, and this can really negatively affect and even end your marriage.
Frankly, by the time I realized the closeness was leaving my marriage, it was almost too late. By the time I addressed this with my husband, he decided he wasn’t happy in the marriage and told me he wanted out. Eventually, after a lot of starts and stops, I learned how to feel close to him again, and this was one of the things that saved our marriage. You can read that personal story at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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by: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are trying to change their husbands’ minds about the divorce. Some common comments that I hear are things like: “He wants the divorce, but I still love him and don’t want to be without him.” Or, “He’s filed for divorce. I still love him and want to save the marriage. Do I have to just accept this? Isn’t there anything that I can do?”
The situation is hard enough when you know that you still love your husband, but you doubt that his wanting out means that he still loves you. But when you add the mention or the filing of divorce into the mix, it can add some volatility to an already difficult situation. You can definitely feel like you’re running out of time. In the following article, I’ll discuss nonlegal strategies that you can try when you’re sure that still loving him means you don’t want the divorce to go forward.
Understand That His Wanting The Divorce Doesn’t Always Mean That He No Longer Loves You: The overwhelming perception is that if a man wants or files for a divorce, he no longer loves his wife and wants to get away from her as soon as he possibly can. This isn’t always true. Sometimes, he just doesn’t know what else to do, or he just doesn’t see another viable solution. I sometimes dialog with the husbands in this situation, and many tell me that the divorce is on the table because they just don’t see any real change or improvement on the horizon.
I often hear them say things like: “We’ve tried many different things, but nothing ever changes. I’m not happy, and I know she probably isn’t either. It’s not that I don’t love her. I do. But I just don’t think that us staying married is the best thing for either of us. The situation has gotten to a point where it’s not good for either of us.”
Do you see the difference here? It’s not that the husband in this situation doesn’t love his wife. It’s that his perceptions are telling him that he’s in an unhappy situation that isn’t going to change. So, in his mind, the best (and likely only) option is to walk away so that eventually you can both be happy again.
Still Loving Your Husband Might Not Be Enough (At Least In His Eyes) To Convince Him Not To Go Through With The Divorce: Many times, the wives in this situation dwell on the fact that they still love their husbands. I often have husbands tell me that their wives repeat the “But I still love you” phrase like a mantra. The thing is, if love were enough, then he likely wouldn’t be thinking about a divorce. So while still having loving feelings for him is a very good thing, it’s not the only thing. Don’t let this be your sole focus.
Remember how I said that it was likely that the reason he was moving toward divorce was because he thought that things in the marriage were bleak and would never change? Well, this is often the best place to put your focus. You have to show him that things can improve and things can change. You have to show him that you both can be happy. (Telling him often just doesn’t cut it anymore. )
Often, when I tell wives this, they will respond with things like: “I’m afraid it’s too late for that. He’s not going to believe me now. He’ll think I’m just trying to manipulate him to change his mind.” You may be right. At least this may be his response at first. But you’re never going to know unless you try. And usually, the worst thing that happens is that you improve your perceptions of you and the marriage. This certainly isn’t a bad thing. Yes, you will usually have to have patience and take it slowly, but I’ve seen many marriages saved by just focusing on improving the husband’s thoughts and perceptions and making real changes to the relationship.
How Do I Change His Mind About The Divorce When His Mind Is Made Up And He Won’t Listen To Me?: This is one of the most common questions that I’m asked. The thing is, it’s very likely that you’ve been repeating the same words over and over so much that your husband has become immune to them. So, when you start to go down the same old path, he sort of glazes over and stops listening. He no longer wants to hear the same old thing because, at least in his mind, he knows how things are going to turn out.
Often, the way around this is to change the message. Usually, when I say this, some wives take this to mean that I’m talking about doing or saying something really dramatic or off the wall to get his attention. No, I really mean quite the opposite. He likely suspects that you are approaching being desperate, so this is your first opportunity to show him that his perceptions (on many levels) are quite wrong.
Instead of trying to negotiate or reason with him, make him think that you’re on board. Many wives give me a wide-eyed stare of shock when I mention this. I often get responses like: “So you want me to agree to the divorce? Are you kidding me? Are you crazy?” I promise that the answer is no to all of these questions. Basically, I’m asking you to take a more cooperative stance because this will improve your situation on many levels. It usually eventually means that you will be given more access to your husband. It also usually means that he starts to see you in a more positive light.
You don’t have to go full speed ahead with the divorce. And this most certainly doesn’t mean that you’re giving up. It just means that you’re changing strategies, and it works something like this. When you can be calm and convincing, tell your husband that you have thought a great deal about this and you see and understand that he’s doing what he thinks is right. Obviously, you don’t want a divorce, but you want the two of you to be happy, and you don’t want to continue to engage with him because your relationship is much too important to you for that. You should be focusing on the fact that you’re wanting to salvage your friendship because that is going to be your “in.”
Of course, you know that you don’t want the relationship to end through a divorce, but if this is how you have to play it to obtain access and to change perceptions, then everyone wins. At this point, you begin to make very small strides. You show your husband that the two of you can connect in a positive way, and you show him that his thinking that he’s better off without you may not have been accurate. This usually takes some time, and it usually works better if you move very slowly. But this process usually helps you to gain a lot of ground, and it’s likely saved a few marriages too.
There was a time when I thought my marriage was truly at its end. My husband was resentful, distant, and withdrawn. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and to give a little more, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.
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I often hear from people who are at a crossroads in their marriages. By the time they contact me, things usually aren’t going very well at all. Much of the time, since they don’t know what else to do, they are considering just throwing in the towel and getting a divorce.
But the idea of this often doesn’t really feel all that right either. Many people’s intuition tells them that there’s a chance divorce might not be the right call and might be something they might later look back on and regret.
And divorce can be such a permanent and serious decision. It will affect your life now and in your future. You sometimes can’t take it back, and it can even have lasting ramifications on the lives of your children. Still, there are some people who tell me that divorce was the right call for them. And there are some who tell me that they look back and they most definitely regret it.
In the following article, I’ll discuss some things you might want to think about if you’re trying to decide whether you will regret the divorce later.
Are Your Doubts About The Divorce Weighing On You More Than Your Wanting A Divorce?: I have to tell you that most of the people who tell me they don’t regret getting a divorce never had any doubt in their mind that divorce was what they wanted to do and what they should do. Sometimes, it was very clear that they were being damaged in or by their marriage, and it was obvious that they needed to leave.
On the other hand, the people who typically express regret about getting a divorce had doubts about it all along. They flip flopped on whether it was the right thing to do and sometimes they even called off the divorce or changed their mind a time or two.
I think that in this case, they suspected deep in their heart that there might be something left in their marriage and that walking away without trying to reignite whatever was left may be a mistake.
Here’s one thing you might want to try. Picture yourself ten years from now. You’re divorced and you’re playing around on the internet and you see your spouse now (who would then be your ex husband.) How would you feel then? Would you care? Would you look at his profile and compare notes? Would you feel a little tug of jealousy if he were with someone else? Would you compare yourself to his new wife or girlfriend?
If you can say that you truly wouldn’t care one way or another or could truly wish him well, then you’re approaching indifference, which is where I think healthy divorces start. At this place, there isn’t anger, resentment, or doubt. There’s just an end. And although the end may be sad, people are at peace because they know it’s the right call.
But if there’s still doubt or even anger or jealousy, then that usually means there are still loose ends that might need to be explored before you can reach the point where you can walk away and get a divorce without regret.
If You Think You Might Regret Your Divorce, Ask Yourself What You Haven’t Done To Save Your Marriage (Or If You Deep Down Really Want To:) I admit that I don’t know you or even why you are thinking about a divorce. But I do know something very important about you. Somehow, some way, you are reading this article right now. That means you had enough doubt in your heart to research whether you’ll later regret getting a divorce. This tells me that you might know deep down in your heart that you might in fact come to regret your divorce later.
So the next question is, why do you suspect you might have some regret later on? Is it because you know deep down that you haven’t tried everything to save your marriage? Is it because, despite yourself, you still love your spouse? Is it because you feel like divorce is giving in or giving up? Are your children a concern?
All of these questions can be very important ones, and the answers can be very telling. If any of these questions resonate strongly with you, then that’s the place I suspect that you start. If you know you still love your spouse, this is enough. This is a valid starting point to save your marriage. If you know you haven’t done everything in your power to save your marriage, well then, there’s your starting point right now. If your children are your inspiration to make things work, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s better than no common ground at all.
The bottom line is that I can’t tell you whether you will regret getting divorced or not. There’s no article or quiz that can make that determination for you. I can tell you that people who are sure about getting divorced typically aren’t researching this topic online. The fact that you are makes me suspect that somewhere within you, you are aware that regretting the divorce is a real possibility for you.
Rather than feeling sad, conflicted, or confused, I’d suggest taking action. Remember when I brought up the trigger that is giving you doubts about the divorce? How about following that and see where it leads you. If you do this and ultimately can’t save your marriage, at least you will know that you did every single thing you could when you ultimately decide to divorce.
Ending your marriage is an extremely serious decision. For some, it is the right decision. For others, it turns out that it’s not, and they feel regret and sometimes can’t undo what has already been done. Sometimes it takes a lot of soul searching to determine which of these categories you and your marriage fall into. And I’d personally rather do the work now than have the regret later.
Frankly, I always knew that I would regret a divorce. My husband was the one who wanted to end the marriage. I wanted to save it, even though I knew we had real problems. Getting my husband on board was very difficult. There were times I thought a divorce was the only solution. Thankfully, I lucked upon something that actually worked after making many mistakes. You can read the story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com
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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are gearing up to make a last-ditch effort to save their marriages after they’ve made a huge mistake. Many times, they are looking for the perfect magical words and phrases to tell their husband how sorry they are and to reassure them that things are going to change. Sometimes, they even ask for help in writing a letter. I think that they probably intuitively know that they aren’t going to get very many chances at this because, since things have already deteriorated so much, their husband is no longer listening to them. Not only that, but he’s likely to take anything that they say with a grain of salt at this point.
And it’s for these reasons that the wife in this situation can be at a disadvantage. It’s common for her to feel as though she has to say something really attention-getting or make over-the-top promises that can’t possibly be accurate or lasting. So, she’s set up to say or do something that may make matters worse.
From my own experience and observation, I believe that there are very appropriate ways to say you’re sorry when your marriage is in real trouble. But your actions are every bit as important as your words, and many people forget that. I will discuss this in depth in the following article.
Focus On Him, Not On You: I recently had a wife in this situation who wanted me to listen to the script that she’d prepared. Her marriage was failing, at least in her mind, because she had taken her husband for granted and had treated him relatively badly over the past year. As she put it, she’d been “coasting” and neglecting him, and now he was quite resentful about both of these things.
Her script was going to include phrases like “I’m sorry that you’re upset with me. I’m afraid our marriage is in trouble, and you are considering divorcing me, but I want to save our marriage because I don’t want to lose you.” Now, all of the assertions were true, but I doubted the husband was going to react to this apology in the way that the wife was hoping for. Because the wife’s apology was focused solely on her. She was telling the husband how his unhappiness in the marriage (and the potential ending of it) was going to affect her, not him.
Make Sure Your Apology Conveys Understanding: When people accept an apology or forgive someone who is saying that they are sorry, this is largely due to the fact that they feel understood. But the wife in this situation was not doing anything to convey that she understood how the husband was feeling and why he felt that way. She wasn’t outlining the things that she had done and why or how this was going to change.
Basically, she was telling her husband that she was sorry that her actions meant the marriage was in trouble. But, she wasn’t outlining which actions. Nor was she explaining how she planned to change her actions or how she planned to fix things. So, the husband had very little incentive to accept the apology. The wife was going to have a much better chance if she got into specifics and laid out a feasible plan as to how things were going to change (followed by the appropriate action, of course.)
The Things You Want To Say (And The Actions You Want To Take) To Convince Your Husband That You Are Truly Sorry: Of course, the exact words or phrases that you want to use in this situation depend upon the situation. In the situation that I’m talking about, the wife might want to say something like: “I want you to know that I’m so very sorry for my behavior over this last year. I took you for granted, and I treated you in a way that was the exact opposite of how I really feel. I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world, and I would never want you to think that I don’t deeply value and appreciate you or our marriage. I know that my actions have meant that our marriage is in trouble. And I don’t know what this means moving forward,d where you are concerned. But, I do know that on my end, you’re going to see some noticeable changes. My actions and behaviors are going to reflect how important you are to me. I know that you might doubt what I am saying right now. But I hope that my actions will prove to you that I’m completely sincere.”
Notice that the wife outlined what she had done. She stressed that this wasn’t fair to the husband and wasn’t based on her own feelings. She also reassured the husband that the situation was going to change. In short, in the first example, the apology was all about how the wife felt, and it came off as somewhat selfish. But, in the second apology, the words were all about how the husband felt and how he was absolutely justified in feeling this way, but would be seeing some big changes. If you were the husband, which apology are you most likely to respond well to?
I firmly believe that most people would respond better to the second example. Try to remember that everyone wants to feel understood and validated, and an apology is no exception to this. Of course, the words you say will eventually fall flat if you don’t back up those words with the appropriate actions and then relentlessly follow up on what you’ve said. It’s only then that you’ll likely begin to gain some real ground so that your marriage recovers.
When I was trying to say how sorry I was to my own husband, I blew it. The apology was all about me rather than focusing on him. We ended up separated. Thankfully, I finally understood that my husband was waiting for sincere words and a workable plan. Eventually, I was able to restore my husband’s love and not only save the marriage, but make it stronger. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
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