Leslie Cane Articles

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I once heard from a wife who felt strongly that her husband no longer loved her.  For the past couple of years, she had noticed a shift in her marriage.  He no longer lit up when he looked at her.  He no longer listened intently when she talked.  He no longer spontaneously touched her or showed much affection.

She said in part:  “I just don’t feel loved by my husband anymore.   I don’t really care what he says to the contrary.  It’s just something that I FEEL and I know the difference between a loving vibe and one that isn’t.  It’s not that he’s cruel or mean.  He’s cordial, and we get along, but there’s no real passion like we used to have.  He looks at me as if I’m a friend or family member, not his wife.  And sometimes, when we’re out with other people, I’ll see him jovial and in a good mood, being the life of the party and enjoying himself, and I realize that he never does that when he’s alone with me.  It seems as if other people make him happier than I do.  I know this isn’t all in my head, although he sometimes hints that it is.  What are you supposed to do when you feel that your husband just doesn’t love you?”

This is a difficult situation because most people get married because they want to share and feel love with someone else.  So when this important piece of the puzzle is missing, it can be a total let down and quite troubling, and very hurtful.

But often when a wife speaks up about this, her husband will tell her that she’s overreacting or will ask her what she expects.  After all, the husband will claim, after you’re married for a while, of course, things are going to cool off a little bit.

But many of the wives who contact me just don’t buy this.  They can literally feel a difference in how their husband approaches in now compared with the way that he used to.  Some of them worry about infidelity, or they worry that he’s completely fallen out of love with them.  In the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions on how you might handle this.

Much Of The Time, Simply Telling Your Husband You Don’t Feel Loved By Him Won’t Get You The Results You Want:  Many women will just sort of tell their husband that they aren’t feeling all that loved, and they will hope that he takes the hint and starts showing more affection and care.  Sometimes, you may see some improvement for the short term, but much of the time, this will sound like nagging or complaining to the,m or they may think that you’re needy, high maintenance or being accusatory.

If you are going to approach your husband about this, be very careful how you phrase and approach it.  You don’t want to make it sound like he’s doing something wrong, not meeting your expectations, or letting you down in some way.  Usually, this will only make things feel worse rather than better.

Instead, you might try a couple of things.  First, you can try showing more affection to him.  Often, if you give someone what you yourself want, you are demonstrating the behavior that you want to encourage.  When he responds in kind, offer lots of positive feedback, brag on him, and heap on the physical affection because this will make him want to continue.

The other thing you can try is approaching him from a positive angle and just telling him that you miss the closeness.  You don’t want it to sound like you’re being negative.  You want it to sound like you’re thinking back to when you were crazy about each other,r and this brings a smile to your face.  See the difference?  You’re not asking him to do anything – you’re just hoping to inspire him with a trip down memory lane.  Again, if you get the reaction that you want, heap on the positive reinforcement.

What If You Don’t Feel That Your Husband Loves You (And Nothing Has Worked To Change This?:)  Sometimes, women will come back and tell me that they’ve tried my suggestions, but they just aren’t getting anywhere.  Their husband is still cold and distant to them and just doesn’t seem all that attracted or interested in them.

In this case, you may want to look and see if there are any issues in your marriage.  Yes, people get comfortable when they’ve been married a while.  But, when a man feels loving feelings toward a woman, at some point, this should just naturally come out in physical ways.  If he’s no longer approaching you like that or not showing interest in that way, then this can definitely be a warning sign that you don’t want to ignore.

In my experience, once you fix whatever issues are dividing your marriage, then the feelings of love will often return.  Much of the time, women who contact me aren’t really sure what went wrong with their marriage.  It’s just that over time, they noticed a distance or a lack of interest.

The good news is that you are concerned enough about this to be researching how to fix this, because the worst thing you can do is ignore it.  Unfortunately, I did ignore it when I didn’t feel loved by my husband, and our marriage progressively got worse and worse until we almost ended up divorced.

If you’re feeling that way right now, consider some of the suggestions I’ve made in this article.  Everyone deserves to feel loved in their marriage. If those things don’t bring relief, then perhaps it’s time to take an objective look at your marriage and see if you can determine where it might need some tweaking.   If it helps, you can read about how I was ultimately able to save my own marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  And if you think you need it, I’d also suggest the free “save my marriage” ecourse on the side of this blog. Amy Wasserman is excellent, and the course is free.

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I sometimes speak with wives whose sole purpose in life at the moment is getting their husbands back.  Sometimes, he’s left them.  Other times, he’s asked for a break or space.  Sometimes he has already filed for a divorce.  Whatever the reason for his being gone, the wives who contact me don’t want to accept this and are looking for ways to get back together with him.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I’m absolutely desperate to get back together with my husband.  He moved out three months ago.  I had hoped he’d be back by now, but he isn’t.  He hasn’t told me he’s never coming back or anything like that, but he doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to do so.  He seems pretty happy with the way things are.  I’m afraid that he’s going to meet someone else and eventually want to divorce me.   He’s already starting to go out more and pretty much excludes me from his life.  Occasionally, he’ll reach out to me, but mostly it’s me doing all of the work to make sure I stay in his life.  I just have this awful feeling that someday soon, he’s going to tell me that it’s over between us and there’s no turning back.  What can I do when I’m desperate to get him back, but nothing seems to be working?”  I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

When You’re Desperate To Get Your Husband Back, There’s A Risk That You Will Do All The Wrong Things Out Of Fear:  I’m not saying this to be mean.  I’m saying this from experience. When you become desperate, your thought process and your actions speed up.  So you aren’t often thinking very much before you take action.  And, because this action is often fueled by fear, it’s often the wrong action to take.

It’s very easy to lose control of yourself in this situation.  You may well know that you’re sort of losing it and driving him further away, but you can’t seem to stop yourself because you’re so afraid to back off even a tiny little bit because you don’t want to release the grip you think is the only thing that’s going to keep him with you.

The thing is, a woman who is holding on to this tightly and appearing this desperate often isn’t seen as attractive.  Sure, you might elicit some pity.  Yes, you might get a reaction.  But I’m pretty certain it isn’t going to be the kind of reaction that you want.

And here’s another thing to consider.  Your husband will likely grow to dislike always feeling pity or guilt, or pressure when he interacts with you.  As a result, he may want to stop the interaction altogether to avoid these negative feelings.  So in that way, you make getting back together less likely rather than more likely.

Getting Back Together With Your Husband Requires More Than Just Desperately Wanting It To Happen.  You Have To Know What He Really Wants And Then Make Sure He Knows You Can Provide It:  I know that when you’re in this type of situation, sometimes your thought process gets derailed.  I know this because I went through this myself and struggled ALOT.

Sometimes we think if we just hyper-focus on the goal (getting back together with him) and we work really hard, then he will eventually see how invested we are and how much we want this, and he’ll come around.

This is flawed thinking. Men typically do not respond favorably to this tactic.  They usually want out even more when you are laying it on this thickly.  So, rather than focusing only on what YOU want and what it’s going to take to make you feel better, you will often be more successful if you consider what HE wants also. Then, you must figure out a way to ensure that you both get what you want in a way that looks and feels genuine.

Frankly, in order to get back together with your husband, he has to know that he will be able to get what he wants in order to be happy.  It can’t be an either/or situation.  If going back to you means making concessions or compromises that he just isn’t willing to or doesn’t want to make, then he may well choose not to come back at all.

So your goal is to show him that he CAN be happy and still be with you.  But if you are acting in desperate ways and only so hyper-focused on making him see things your way so that you get what YOU want while he’s making the concessions, then he’s not likely to think that he can both be happy and be with you at the same time.

In order to do this, you have to know what he REALLY wants.  What was he seeking when he left or asked for space?  What would he feel if he couldn’t get if he remained with you?  This truly is the million-dollar question, and I can’t answer it for you.  But I can tell you that many men who visit my marriage blog tell me that they want some breathing room.  They need time to think.

So if you approach him as someone who wants to make him feel even more restricted and always wants to be around when he’s trying to take that time he wanted, then how is really going to see you?  He’s going to see you as someone who is standing in the way of what he really wants.

And, along those same lines, rather than wanting to get back together with you (and get more of the same) he’s more likely to want to stay away from you, which is not what you’re trying to accomplish.

Trying To Get Back Together With Your Husband (While Ditching The Desperation Act:)  I will tell you right now that almost overwhelmingly, the women who email me and tell me that they got their husbands back also tell me that they very deliberately portrayed confidence.  They decided to ditch the desperation act and instead portray themselves from a point of strength rather than from a place of weakness.

This usually makes a HUGE difference.  Now, I know it’s difficult to pretend that you’re confident when you’re anything but that.  However, this is very important.  To get him back, you must seem attractive to him.  You can’t do that if you’re appearing scared, desperate, and clingy.

This was very hard for me in my own attempt to get my husband back. I eventually flew to my hometown to stay with friends.  My husband got curious, and this gave me some groundwork on which to build.  Of course, at that point, I had to play it very carefully, but this honestly made all the difference.

Because I changed from a person focused on fear to a person focused on real change.  And I portrayed myself as someone who was competent enough to get by no matter how things turned out.  Because of my change in attitude, I was able to keep things more lighthearted, so my husband found me more pleasurable to be around.  And because I wasn’t holding on so tightly, more spontaneous give and take could happen.

Because I knew I wasn’t forcing or guilting my husband into anything, this built my confidence even more, and the process became a little easier over time.  Sometimes, getting your husband back when you FEEL desperate requires you not to SHOW him this.  It requires you to step back, to focus on the positive, and to move very slowly with the small victories that you’re given.

As I said, I had to successfully play this in my own life. In truth, I was extremely desperate to get my husband back.  But I learned not to show him that.  Which made all the difference.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I recently heard from a woman who had been divorced for about eight months.   She told me that lately, she had been overcome with regret for divorcing her husband.   She missed him horribly and she didn’t enjoy being single all that much.  She had hoped the feeling would pass, but so far, it hadn’t.  In fact, the more time that passed, the more regret for the divorce she felt.

She said in part:  “It’s very clear to me that divorcing my husband was mistake that I will probably regret for the rest of my life.  The sad things is, my husband didn’t want the divorce.  I was the one who was pushing for it and who wouldn’t accept anything less than splitting up.  He tried to tell me it was a mistake, but I wouldn’t listen.  And now here I am 8 months later realizing that he was absolutely right.  What do I do now?  Is it too late to get him back when we’re already divorced.  I know he’s been trying to get out and see other people, and I think he’s decided that he’s ready to move on, but I don’t think there’s anyone serious.  What do I do now?”

My Advice When You Regret The Divorce:  I actually hear about this situation a lot of my “saving my marriage” blog, which is interesting because it was set up for people who had not yet divorced.  Even still, I find that there are a lot of folks trying to get the marriage back after the divorce is already final.

It’s not at all uncommon (at least from I see and hear) to have some regret.  The question really becomes what do you want to do about it.  I think it’s important to really try and step back to see why you feel this way and whether you think you might change your mind later. (Many people tell me that they don’t change their mind, that the feeling of regret only intensifies over time.)

The thing is, you don’t want to do anything or take any dramatic action that’s going to damage the relationship even more.  My suggestion would be to move slowly so that you can feel your way and see what is happening (and how you are feeling) as you continue to progress.

Did I think this wife should flat out tell her husband that she regretted the divorce and ask how he felt about this?  No, not yet.  She wasn’t sure how he was going to react, and I honestly believe there’s a way to start inching toward that without revealing all of your cards and leaving yourself vulnerable.

For example, she might suggest getting together with her husband just to catch up.  She might tell him that although they are no longer married, their friendship and their relationship are still important to her because she still cares about and respects him – and these feelings don’t just go away because they are divorced.

That way, as they see one another in a non romantic way, this gives the wife a chance to gauge how the husband might feel (and this may or may not validate her regretting the divorce.)

You want for the process to feel very natural rather than forced.  Having coffee might lead to movie a week or so later.  This might lead to dinner, which might lead to a regular time to get together and catch up.

Eventually, the romantic feelings and relationship might return – at which time the couple could decide if they both thought the divorce was a mistake that they both regretted.

What If He’s Not Receptive To My Regretting The Divorce? What If He Truly Has Moved On?:  The wife agreed that my suggestions made sense.  But she was worried that her husband was not going to be all that receptive to her because he had told her that the divorce was a mistake all along and she hadn’t listened.  So now, she was afraid that he would reject her the same way that she rejected him.

This could be a possibility, which is why it was so important that she try to keep things very light and casual.  If he wasn’t receptive at first, she could back off for just a little while and try again.  She shouldn’t appear desperate or clingy – just very non threatening and positive.

You don’t want to portray this like this is a serious or immediate situation.  You’re just asking him to get together for coffee and hoping that this evolves into another meeting – and then another – and then more regular get togethers which lead to something else.

In my opinion, you never want to tell him your agenda in the beginning. This is too heavy and you run a higher risk of being rejected.  You just want to stress that you’re trying to maintain some relationship (as light as it might be) because he’s too important to you just to let your contact with him end because of the divorce.

Now, once you’re back in a romantic relationship where your ex husband is as fully invested as you are, then you may want to tell him that you regretted the divorce from the beginning – but don’t jump the gun until you’ve already laid a very firm ground work.

My divorce never became final – but it almost did.  And I was able to save my marriage, even though my husband had seemingly moved on.  I did a lot of the things I just told you not to do, but I eventually figured out what worked and what didn’t and I was able to not only restore his love but save our marriage.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I once heard from a wife who had come up with a strategy that she hoped would get her husband’s attention and make him recommit to her marriage.  She was considering serving him with divorce papers in order to “scare him” into saving the marriage.

She said, in part: “My husband is very noncommittal about saving our marriage.  He seems to always be on the fence.  He has no sense of urgency at all and always tells me that he wants to ‘wait and see’ what happens.  I want to be very proactive and work very aggressively on saving our marriage and getting the passion back.  My husband will admit that we have problems.  He will admit that we need to do something.  But he isn’t sure what he wants that “something” to be.  He’s mentioned a separation, a break, or a divorce, but he never mentions doing any real work to make our marriage better. I’m just thinking that if I force his hand a little bit, he may be scared or alarmed enough to actually work with me.”

I did understand where this wife was coming from.  There’s nothing more frustrating than a spouse who is dragging their feet about saving the marriage, admitting there’s a problem, or at least making a decision.  But I felt that this strategy was extremely risky and not the best way to handle this. I’ll tell you why (and tell you the alternative I suggested) in the following article.

Filing For Divorce In The Hopes Of Getting Your Spouse To Recommit To You (Or To “Scare Them” Into Saving The Marriage) Is Extremely Risky:  This isn’t the first wife who has run this plan by me.  And I won’t tell you that there’s no chance that it will work.  I suppose it could work.  But to me, there are other strategies that would work better and are less risky.

If you file for divorce, you are filing legal documents in a court of law.  There will be a permanent record of this.  And you have no guarantee that your spouse won’t proceed, get his own attorney, and respond to the divorce with the intention of seeing it through and making it final.

And I’m not even going to mention the cost and time involved, both of which can be quite steep.  If you think about it, your real goal is to get your spouse recommitted to you and the marriage.  There are other ways to do that which don’t involve nearly as much risk or dramatics – neither of which your spouse is likely to act all that nicely toward.

There’s every chance that your filing for divorce can anger or hurt your spouse so much that they tell you that, after you’ve forced their hand, they’ve decided that divorce really is the best option.

At the end of the day, you want him to be more receptive toward you, more motivated, more cooperative, and more loving.  You aren’t as likely to get these things if you act this drastically.  So what do you do instead when you’re trying to get them to recommit to the marriage?  In my view, there really are two options, as follows.

Try To Get Your Spouse To Recommit To The Marriage Using Positive Reinforcements:  I honestly think this is the preferred way to go.  The less drama and the more cooperation there is, the easier the process goes, in my opinion.  The next time things aren’t volatile with your husband and things are going a little better, you might tell him that you miss the way things used to be in your marriage and you want to get it back.

When you are saying this, you need to speak in such a way that your husband is going to listen.  Remember what men respond best to.  You likely know your husband very well, so now is the time to use that knowledge.  I can tell you that most men respond more to the physical than to the emotional.

So it’s better to say things like “I remember when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.  I miss that.  I miss feeling close to you physically.”  And you’re less likely to get the response you want if you say things like “we need to work through our problems until we’ve solved every one of them.  You need to work with me and recommit to this marriage.”

Actually both of those phrases mean the same thing, but which one do you think your spouse will respond more favorably to?  Men think in more physical terms.  You want to give them something to look forward to instead of giving them the mental image of them “working.”

Asking them to “work” on the marriage may fall on deaf ears.  And asking them to work on the marriage while you’ve filed for divorce papers could well be a disaster.

Another Possible Strategy To Get Him To Recommit To The Marriage:  I realize that what I described before isn’t going to be possible for everyone. Some husbands are going to be too distant or too angry to respond to you, even when you reference a physical reconnection.

In this case, you might want to suggest or pose giving each other some time or space.  This sort of accomplishes the same thing as filing the divorce papers in the example I gave, but it’s certainly not as drastic, and it’s not as formal.

One of you can stay with family or friends for a bit. The hope is that the time apart will help your husband to see how much he misses you, how much he wants you back, and how important your marriage really is to him.  Because ultimately, you really want him to realize that he wants this marriage and he’s willing to work or fight for it.  Sometimes, it’s the distance between you that will accomplish this.  And other times, you will get a better response if you act in a positive way since men do not like to feel manipulated.

If it were me, I would try taking a more positive approach first.  If this doesn’t work, you can always then suggest some time apart.  But separation was forced on me, and this honestly almost cost me my marriage.  I stooped to very negative behavior, and this only drove my husband further away.  Thankfully, I finally got myself together and was able to save the marriage.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  Also, if you look on the right side of this blog, there’s a link to a video that explains how to behave during a separation very well.

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I recently heard from a wife who wasn’t sure why she felt the way that she did. Her husband of five years had decided that he wasn’t happy being married, and he felt that he should explore life on his own to see if it would make him happier. He didn’t give the wife much warning about this. He told her he was unhappy one day and left the next.

The wife was having a very hard time dealing with this. She missed him desperately. She said, in part: “What does it say about me that I want my husband even more after he’s left me? I probably should be angry with him. I probably should be backing off or ignoring him, but I can’t seem to. I just want him even more, and I feel almost desperate to get him back. I want to call him all the time. I want to go to where he is. How do I stop feeling this way? My best friend just asked me if I have any backbone at all. Maybe I don’t. Is it normal to feel this way? What should I do?” I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

Is It Wrong Or Abnormal To Want Him More After He’s Left?: It’s not abnormal at all! Sometimes, people actually take a break from their spouse on purpose because it can sometimes make people realize how much they miss and really do love the other person.

We all can fall into the trap of taking our spouse for granted.  When they are gone, this can become that much more apparent.  Our feelings and our longing can certainly intensify.

This doesn’t make you abnormal by any means.  Sure, it would also be normal to be angry or resentful that he left.  But often, the most dominant feelings are how much you love him, miss him, and don’t want to lose him.

It’s often not until you are alone for a while and experience what you’ve lost, that you fully appreciate it and want it back just that much more.  I don’t think it’s abnormal at all.

So, What Do You Do If He’s Left And You Want Him Even More?:  Well, at this point, you have a choice to make.  You can try to get him back. You can give the situation some time. You can do a combination of both, or you can decide that it’s best to let him go.

Many women who contact me on my blog very much want him back. But, they don’t want to do the wrong thing, and they don’t want to push him further away.  The thing is, sometimes the husband isn’t sure what he wants and isn’t as receptive to your getting him back as you might like.

In this case, you’ll usually need to try a combination of giving him space and trying to get him back.  I know that this perhaps sounds confusing or even contradictory, but it really isn’t.  You know how you’re missing him and wanting him even more right now because he isn’t right there all of the time?

Well, this is precisely the same way that you want him to feel about you.  But in order for this to happen, you will usually need to give it a little time.  This doesn’t mean that you need to make yourself completely scarce or pretend that his leaving never happened.

He likely left because he was so troubled by what was happening in the marriage that he needed some time to reflect.  You’ll often need to respect this and give him that time.  But, while this is happening, nothing says that you can’t be strengthening yourself so that when you do see or communicate with him, the transformation is quite obvious.

Ultimately, you want to show him the woman he remembers and used to love very much.  You want to show him where you are strong rather than showing him where you are weak.  This means you see or talk to him at very calculated times that don’t happen constantly.  This means that you give him the space that he has asked for.

And you make every interaction with him count.  It shouldn’t be overly obvious what you are trying to do.  You really do have to walk the line between backing off and reminding him of what he loves about you.  Sometimes, this means acting in a way counter to what you are actually feeling at the time.

I realize that this can be a challenge.  But I promise you that men are more attracted to positive thinking and acting women than those who are desperate, afraid, or needy.  Even if you feel this way, you shouldn’t allow this to be obvious when you are with him.

He will still know that you love him and want your marriage back, but it should not be your focus.  Your focus should be to maintain the relationship and to slowly rebuild.

As you move very slowly and you play this correctly, he will begin to want you back, too.  When that happens, don’t pounce or move too quickly. Continue on in the same way until HE is initiating coming back to you.

Want to read how I played this in my own marriage?  Understand that I didn’t always understand these principles.  I made many mistakes.  But eventually, I learned what I needed to do, and this brought him back to me.  You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes dialogue with wives who confide that their husbands don’t want them anymore. This can be a loaded phrase. Sometimes, what the wife means is that the husband no longer seems to be attracted to them physically. Other times, the wife means that the husband no longer wants to be married to them. And, sometimes the wives are describing other situations somewhere in between these two.

No matter the specifics to which the wife is referring, this is often not the place where you want your marriage to be. No one wants to feel undesired and unwanted, or that they are the only one who is still invested in the relationship. Unfortunately, many wives give up too soon when they hear these words or pick up on this vibe. They will take these words as complete truth, even when there’s some wiggle room that neither of the spouses is picking up on.

This might be easy to say when I’m not the one in the marriage (although I did deal with this situation in my own marriage), but, as I see it, there are really two choices here. You can take his words or implications at face value and give up on your marriage, or you can use this as a heads-up that you have some work to do, and then you can roll up your sleeves. There’s really no right or wrong answer here. What you decide will usually depend upon your level of commitment to the marriage and your ability to put the words aside and know that the outcome might be such that the words eventually don’t matter. I will discuss this more in the following article.

Why A Husband Might Not Be Accurate When He Claims That He No Longer Wants You: I can’t say that all husbands who utter this phrase are wrong. Some are sincere in this. But some think that they mean it when they really don’t, at least deep down. There are many reasons that they might project negative feelings onto you or your marriage. They may be struggling with stressors in other areas of their life. And, they may be a bit disappointed that the marriage is no longer offering the payoff and the solace that they used to be able to count on. Often, resentment is the result. And, because of the resentment, the husband will retreat and tell himself that he doesn’t necessarily want you or the marriage anyway.

As you can see, this declaration is often a swift and knee-jerk reaction that might not be fully accurate. It’s so important that you don’t take it too personally and allow it to contribute to how you feel about yourself. Yes, it’s awful that these words or implications ever came out of him because they are so hurtful. But, unfortunately, it can’t be taken back, and now you’re left with the choice of trying to move on with your marriage in a positive way or cutting your losses and moving forward as an individual.

Many wives will retreat in response. They will withdraw within themselves and usually have the unconscious thought of something like “well, two can play at that game.” But, what you have in this situation is a cold and distant marriage in which no one is getting what they want, and the two individuals are just becoming more and more distant from each other all of the time. In this way, the negativity only continues.

When He No Longer Wants The Marriage (Or You Fear He’s Headed That Way) But You Want To Save It: Many women will react very negatively to this. They will typically either try to overcompensate and beg the husband to stay (or act very dramatically to get him to stay), or they will become angry and tell him good riddance and then later regret it.

It’s so important that you try to handle this rationally and calmly so that you don’t do something that you might later come to regret when you realize it moved you further away from what you really want. Often, a happy medium that can buy you some time is to suggest some distance and space. You can offer to give your husband some space since he’s obviously dealing with some issues. Many wives resist this because they are afraid that the space will allow him to get further away.

They often don’t understand that he’s moving away anyway. Usually, if you set it up so that you’re projecting positive perceptions rather than negative ones, you will get a much better response. If you don’t want to offer space, you can offer some help and someone to listen. Try to set it up so that your husband believes that you want to help him be happier in his life. This will make you allies rather than adversaries, and this can help your situation tremendously.

Whether you’re offering space or help, always be conscious of the image that you are projecting. You want him to remember the woman that he fell in love with. Project the best version of yourself. Try to be upbeat, confident, and positive. You may feel differently inside, but when you are with him, you should try your best not to show it.

Now, there are some situations where the husband is just being nasty, hurtful, and mean. And, in some instances, you will try the distance or help tact, and he will continue to be hurtful. When this is the case, sometimes you will have to call him on this and tell him that you’re sorry that he doesn’t want you, but this is only one person’s opinion, and someone else might well feel differently. This is the last thing you should try, though, and this is only if the suggestions above completely did not work.

Usually, if you give you a reaction that he wasn’t expecting, it will unsettle him and he’ll slow down a bit and reevaluate. No matter where you are in the process, it’s so important to continue to be calm, evaluate what’s in your own best interest, and stress that you’re only after happiness for both of you.

I understand how you feel because a very short time ago, I was exactly where you are. But, I learned that my husband had fallen out of love with the relationship instead of falling out of love with me. I was able to use this knowledge to change course, return my husband’s love, and save the marriage (when I was the only one interested in doing so at the time.) You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who was desperate for some sort of plan to make their husbands stay with them.  The husband had suggested a break, separation, or divorce.  This is usually the last thing that the wives who write to me want.

She said, in part: “I would do absolutely anything to make my husband stay.  I have thought of many options – including begging and pleading, and making threats and insinuations about myself or the kids.  When I have these thoughts, I know they’re silly and degrading, but I can’t seem to stop myself.  I’m basically living in fear of the day that he walks out the door.  I know that day is coming.  I dread it more than anything, and I’m willing to do anything that I’d need to do to make him stay.  What are some ways that wives make their husbands stay when they want to go?”

The answer to this question is going to depend on many factors, including why your husband wants to leave in the first place and how firm he is on this decision.  However, in the following article, I’m going to discuss what I think are the best options when you’re trying to make your husband stay.

Whatever You Do, Don’t Literally Tell Him That You’d Do Absolutely Anything To Get Him Not To Leave:  Many wives tell me that they are tempted to just put their cards on the table, and I very much understand this.  I have been there.  There was a time when I would have literally been willing to fling myself around my husband’s legs as he was leaving and walking out the door, pulling me along behind him.

But this didn’t work in the least.  It only made things worse because it made him think I was losing control and didn’t have any self-respect.  Of course, this didn’t make me attractive in his eyes, and he just wanted to leave even more.  It took me entirely too long to realize I was going down the wrong path. (Eventually, I did, but by that time I had a lot of ground to make up. But more on that later.)

The thing is, your husband likely knows that you want him to stay.  So literally saying this and going on and on only weakens your position.  You shouldn’t pretend that you want to pack your bags for him or can’t wait for him to go, but there’s a balance to be reached.  If you out and out tell him you’d do anything, then you’re allowing this balance to get way out of whack.

What Is It That’s Making Him Want To Go?: If you have a clear idea of why he wants to go, one option is to remove the obstacle that’s standing in your way.  If there’s a problem in your marriage that you can identify and solve, then, by all means, do it.  But fair warning – he’s not always going to believe that it’s that easy to just fix things that quickly.

By the time a man wants to leave, usually, the problem(s) have grown to the point where he’s not listening to or believing what you say (at least completely,)  so know that you might not be able to fix everything before he goes, but you can certainly give it a try.  It’s better than doing nothing but watch and panic.

Bring Forth The Woman That Your Husband Has Been Shown To Love:  If you proclaim that you’d be willing to do absolutely anything if your husband stays, let’s think about who you are showing him.  You’re showing him a desperate person who is in a desperate place.  Men generally don’t find this all that alluring.

Instead, you want to show him a woman with enough self-confidence that she doesn’t need to make these types of proclamations. You want to show him the woman he has always loved.  Whatever it was that attracted him to you (your sense of humor or love of adventure or your loyalty – you know what this is), this is what you want to show him right now.

Yes, it will take some effort on your part.  You might have to act in a way that isn’t necessarily intuitive.  But it’s my experience that doing this is MUCH more likely to give you the results that you want.

Part of the reason for this is that people take for granted and devalue the things that are handed to them on a silver platter.  If you serve yourself up for the taking, then you don’t seem all that valuable.  He knows that you’re there should he change your mind so he has no incentive whatsoever to want to stay.

But if you draw on your strength and let him know that although you’d love for him to stay, you trust that whatever he decides, you will eventually work through this because you love each other and were meant to be together, he’s more likely to be interested.

I can’t tell you if he will still leave or not.  But if he does, he’s more likely to want to come back if his last memory of you is of the woman he knows and loves rather than a clingy, desperate one who is pleading and promising “absolutely anything’ for him to stay.

I know it can be scary to step back and let go a little bit, but it honestly can be the best call for the long term because you want him to REALLY want to come back to you rather than to begrudgingly stay because of your desperation.

I know where you are right now. A couple of years ago, my husband left me, and he eventually probably would have filed for divorce.  And yes, I would have done ANYTHING to get him to stay or to get him back.  But telling him so turned out to be the wrong game to play.  He only became interested again when I backed off a bit.  You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.  There’s also a link to a video that explains this very well on the side of this blog.

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