I Don’t Feel Intimate In My Marriage. I No Longer Feel A Connection. What Can I Do?

by: Leslie Cane: I once spoke with a wife who told me that she was afraid that she was losing feelings of love for her husband. She specifically said that she no longer felt “connected” or “intimate” with him, and she suspected that he felt the same way. They weren’t being ugly to one another or fighting or anything like that. But, they were just sort of coexisting without the feeling of togetherness that they used to enjoy.

The wife missed their connection. But honestly, when she looked at him today, she wasn’t sure if she was ever going to be able to get the relationship back. She admitted that she just simply felt “sort of blank” when she looked at him or interacted with him now. The spark was gone. She loved him because he was a great person and father, but she had to wonder if she was “in love with him” anymore.

She wanted to know if I thought it was possible to restore the connectedness between them. And she wanted to know how she should go about making this happen. She felt that she owed it to her family to try to fix this, but she just didn’t know where to start. I’ll tell you some of the insights and suggestions I gave her in the following article.

You Have To Be Proactive To Reestablish The Connection. You Can’t Just Wait And Hope For The Best: When I asked the wife what she had been trying and which of her efforts had been the most successful, there was a definite pause. She had to admit that she was really taking a sort of “wait and see” approach. Things felt awkward, and she was reluctant to be the one to step outside of her comfort zone only to have her husband look at her as if she were crazy, or worse, to experience his rejection.

I understand this, as my reaction was quite similar. No one wants to be the one to rock the boat. But, the problem with this approach is that if no one is going to make the first move, then you both might be sitting there for quite a while, being disappointed and making assumptions that just aren’t true. To ensure that you get what you want and restore the happiness that you deserve, you’re likely going to have to take the initiative. Yes, this may feel vulnerable. And there might be times when you want to retreat. But honestly, retreating is what likely got you here in the first place.

Using Your Knowledge Of Your Husband And Your Relationship To Move Forward And Reconnect Rather Than Continuing On As You Are: As I said, sometimes, you have to be the one to put yourself out there. I realize that many people don’t know where or how to start. However, you really do have more of a road map than you might think. You know how this relationship looked and what characteristics it had when it was most successful.

Often, when I tell people this, they will attempt to turn this around in a negative way. They’ll say things like “Well, when we were in love, we were both young and carefree without the responsibilities of real life. You can’t possibly compare our reality then with our reality now.” These points are 100 percent valid. But, they are leaving something out. When things were good, both people were putting in a whole lot of time and effort. Both people were receiving a very positive payoff, which ultimately made them feel better about themselves and about how their lives were going.

So, in this way, all of the positive things that are happening in their life become projected onto the relationship. Everything looks shiny and new because we’re seeing it through rose-colored glasses. We feel as though, finally, someone appreciates us, understands us, and brings out the best of us. Unfortunately, though, we all know what eventually comes next as the months turn into years and the responsibilities and not-so-fun things about life begin to pile on.

We begin to have trouble spinning all of the plates in the air. Something has to give. We need to allocate our time a little differently. And, we reason, our spouse knows what we are going through. They know we love them. So we hope that they give us a pass as far as the allocation of time is concerned. But what we often don’t realize is that this omission is going to hurt us as well. A relationship is often only as good as what you put into it. The intensity of the feelings is going to directly relate to the quality of the efforts put in.

The good news, though, is that as you start to restore the allocation of time and the quality of the efforts, the feelings will usually follow. You simply can’t feel connected to someone if you don’t feel like you’re on the same page or that the same things are important to you. And these things can’t happen in a vacuum. They have to be cultivated and encouraged just like everything else.

But, look at it this way. You already know that both of you are more than capable of being happy together and feeling connected because you have been successful at this in the past. So, now is the time to begin to change the efforts so that the feelings will also change. It’s easy to retreat inward as a means of self-protection. But isolation is a sure-fire way to feel disconnected.

Giving What You Want To Get: To begin, try to define, as precisely as you can, why you are feeling disconnected. Usually, almost everyone has to admit that there is no longer a feeling of “we” or “us.” Many people feel taken for granted and unappreciated. The way around this is usually to begin to provide for your spouse what you yourself want. If you feel that he doesn’t notice what’s important to you, begin to focus on what’s important to him.

If you think he’s not affectionate or unappreciative, heap the attention and praise onto him. I know that this sounds backward, but it really isn’t. By giving what we want, we’re accomplishing many things. We’re showing our spouse that it’s “safe” to turn our attention towards the relationship, we’re changing up the stagnant culture, and we’re demonstrating what we want.

Often, when you begin to give your spouse the payoff that they want, they will often respond by giving you more of what you want. That cycle of good feelings and projecting on the relationship will continue. But this time, you’re giving them positive things to project rather than negative ones.

When my husband and I began rearranging our priorities, I did not pay close enough attention, and it almost cost me my marriage. I did not understand these principles, and I went about addressing this in the completely wrong way. I ignored the obvious, and this only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle, and this eventually worked very well. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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My Husband Doesn’t Love Me Any Longer But I Still Love Him. Can I Make Him Fall Back In Love With Me?

By Leslie Cane:  I sometimes speak with wives whose husbands have told them that they no longer love them.  They often don’t want to accept this, and some doubt if it’s even true.  These women want to know if they have to accept this or if there is anything at all that they can do.  I often hear comments like: “My husband apparently doesn’t love me any longer.  He wasn’t cruel when he told me this. He just told me that he couldn’t go on this way anymore when he knew in his heart he didn’t love me in the way that he should or in the way that I deserve. I am trying to comprehend all of this and determine what it means.  We’ve both been under a great deal of stress financially, and I feel like that is part of our problem.  But my husband won’t accept this.  He says his feelings for me have changed and that there’s nothing that either of us can do about this.  Is there any way for me to make him love me again?  Or do I just have to accept that his love for me (and possibly my marriage) is over?”

This decision is one that I can not make for anyone else.  But I do think that there are reasons that people can feel as if they’ve fallen out of love when, in actuality, other factors are at play.  The woman who wrote to me admitted that the couple were stressed financially and had put their relationship on the back burner because they were basically just trying to get by from day to day.  But this had taken a huge toll on their relationship.  The wife couldn’t help but feel that if the financial issues had never come up, the husband might not have had these sudden changes in feelings.  And I would certainly see that she had a point.

A couple of years ago, my husband decided he didn’t want to be married anymore after a period of stress for us.  I tended to handle it by clinging onto him more tightly, and he apparently handled it by pushing me away and deciding that he didn’t love me anymore and that he just wasn’t suited for marriage.

I didn’t want to accept this, but my husband insisted he wasn’t going to change his mind.  (Eventually, my husband did change his mind about loving me.) But not before a lot of turmoil and making things worse by my insisting that he was wrong, that he would change his mind, and that he was being selfish and reacting too swiftly.  However, the more I pushed with these arguments, the more he dug in and insisted that he didn’t love me and that he ABSOLUTELY wasn’t going to change his mind.  This only made things worse for me.

Below, I’ll offer some suggestions on how best to handle it when your husband tells you that he doesn’t love you anymore.

Don’t Tell Your Husband That He’s Wrong About Not Loving You.  Try to Remain Calm And Try To Listen To What He Is (And Isn’t) Saying: I know that it’s often your first inclination to either panic and beg your husband to reconsider or to become somewhat angry and insist that he is wrong.   Both reactions are normal, but neither often works very well.   Because when you take this approach, you are basically making sure that you and your husband are on opposing sides.  This truly is the last thing that you want.

Basically, you need to set it up so that you’re playing on the same team.  You want to make it look as if you are working with him rather than against him.  So resist any urge to argue, point out the flaws in his argument, or try to elicit his pity.  Instead, remain as calm as you can and listen.  Try to see if he keeps mentioning recurring themes.   Sometimes, our husbands do give us some very concrete clues as to what is behind this, but we are reacting so strongly that we miss their signals and their clues.   Right now, the best thing to do is to listen and take it all in, so that when the time comes to formulate a plan, you will be ready with the best one.

Now, I realize that he will sometimes give you very vague reasoning.  Often, he will say things like “it’s just how I feel, but I don’t know why.”  Or “I can’t put my finger on when or why things changed, but they did.  I just don’t feel the same way.”  Although these vague comments can be maddening, it’s my opinion that they’re actually better than the alternative.  Because these vague reasons for him not loving you any longer are so much better than concrete reasons (like him not being attracted to you or there being someone else.)  These vague reasons can sometimes mean that it’s the circumstances (and the stress) and not the feelings that he is reacting to.

When You Know (Or Hope) That He Really Does Still Love You (Even If He Doesn’t Realize It,) What Can You Do?: Now that we’re established that it’s best to try not to panic or debate, where does this leave you?  What can you do while you’re waiting for him to figure out that he was wrong about not loving you any longer?  Well, you paint yourself in the very best light.   You show yourself to be the patient, sympathetic, and loving woman that you know you are.  Rather than showing him someone who is panicked, combative, and more than willing to point out where he’s wrong, show him the woman who still loves him even when he’s struggling right now.  Show him that happy, understanding, vibrant woman that he first fell in love with.  Show him the woman that he initially fell in love with, even when she’s faced with a very difficult situation.

I know that I am asking a lot.  I very distinctly remember how I felt when my own husband told me that he no longer loved me.  It hurt. It was scary.  And it almost cost me my marriage.  But getting a hold of myself and pulling it together was actually the very best thing I could’ve done.  It’s what turned things around and what made my husband realize that, actually he still loved me very much.  If it helps you right now, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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A Letter To A Husband To Convince Him Not To Leave The Marriage: What Should It Include? Can It Work?

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes get requests for tips on how to write a very effective letter meant to convince a husband that the marriage is worth saving and can be rescued if both parties work together to make this happen. Many wives want to go with the letter route because they feel that their husbands are just not listening to their spoken words anymore. Sometimes, it’s easier to say what you really feel via the written word when you don’t have to look at your husband’s facial expressions or risk him interrupting or correcting you.

In short, many people don’t feel as vulnerable when they communicate such personal feelings through a letter rather than a face-to-face conversation. I do understand this, but I have to tell you that while a well-crafted letter might buy some time or give you an “in” to start the process, it will never take the place of your actions.

Sure, the letter can make your husband more receptive to saving the marriage. But if you don’t follow it up with real action and real change, you will be right back where you started. Still, the right letter can give you a starting point and can be the first step in saving your marriage. So, in the following article, I will discuss some specifics about crafting the most effective letter meant to convince your husband to willingly work with you to save the marriage.

Whatever You Do, Do Not Focus On The Negative Too Much: Many women are in a bad emotional place when they sit down to write. And they will dwell on how much this hurts them and how they can’t even imagine what they will do if the marriage ends. Sometimes, they will even go into how, if the husband would just do one thing or another, things might be OK. And, it might feel really good to get all of this off your chest. But, if at the end of the reading your husband feels negative emotions like sadness, guilt, or sorrow, then you really haven’t accomplished the true intention of the letter.

Your real goal is to elicit and bring about positive emotions. You want him to be smiling at the end of the letter. You want him focused on positive memories and things your marriage has going for it. You don’t want to dwell on your fear and your frustration. You want him to remember how happy you used to be and to suspect that, with the right changes in the coming days, you can have this again.

When you’re brainstorming the points you’ll make in the letter, picture your husband’s face and body language as he reads it.  If you picture him with shoulders slumped and frowning, then don’t include the content you were considering.  If you picture him standing tall with a wistful or peaceful look, you are on the right track.

Lay Out How You Are Going To Get The Result That You Both Want: While bringing up happy memories and loving feelings are nice, this really doesn’t address how and why you are going to be able to turn this thing around. You don’t want to come off like you’re only dwelling on pie-in-the-sky promises that aren’t rooted firmly in reality.

You must understand that when your marriage is on the line, it’s often because your spouse seriously doubts that things are going to change enough so that you can both be happy and as connected as you used to be. So, one of the serious obstacles in your way is his assumption that the status quo is never going to change.

It’s definitely in your best interest to address this by outlining some of the changes you plan to make and some of the new things that you’re going to implement. Here’s a hint. Men will usually react to the insinuation that you want and plan to bring more intimacy and incorporate more activities that you both used to enjoy into the relationship. Also, people are going to respond more positively when you help them to feel better and more positive about themselves. Always keep this in mind. You want to convey that you understand and empathize with your husband, and you want to help him to get what he wants. You are much better off focusing on how you’re going to help him move forward rather than making him feel stuck, hopeless, selfish, or mistaken.

You Must Follow Up On Every Promise That You Make. Choose Your Words Carefully: You have to be very careful that you don’t just write out empty words that are only meant to get a response. He absolutely will notice and remember this,s and then he will pull even further away as a result. You must be prepared to promptly follow up on everything that you say. After all, the letter is going to open the door for you. But in order to really save your marriage, you must remember that it’s your actions that bring about real change and real results.

Empty promises will only work for so long. And if you get in the habit of giving them, eventually your husband gets into the habit of tuning you out and not believing what you say.

Remind Yourself Of The True Goal And Edit If You Need To: Take a deep breath and write what is in your heart, but EDIT carefully.  Remember the goal of this letter – to get an “in” with your husband. You are only trying to open the door so you can then take action. It can be very tempting to just dump your emotions into this letter in search of some sort of relief.  But that isn’t your goal.  You can write in your journal for this type of relief. Do not allow any desperation to bleed into this letter.  Do not go overboard on the negativity. And remember to focus on RESULTS and not on despair.  Early brainstorming and first drafts may be heavy on all of these things.  That is why it is important to edit.

I wrote my own “save my marriage letter” when I was trying to get my husband to see things my way. Unfortunately, I did not follow up with the appropriate action. So my husband started tuning me out. As a result, I thought my marriage was truly at its end. We had seemingly tried everything – from counseling to trips to a trial separation. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and to give a little more. This eventually worked. You can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Is Telling Me To Leave. What Do I Do?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands are going to leave them.  Sometimes, though, there’s a different variation on this same theme.  I recently heard from a wife whose husband wanted her to be the one to leave the house.  They had been having marriage issues for some time and the husband felt that the wife should be the one to leave since she had family and friends with whom she could easily stay.

The husband didn’t want to leave the home for which he felt he’d paid for several years and (in his opinion) had the right to stay in.  So, he felt it only fair that the wife be the one to leave. Needless to say, this is not what the wife wanted to hear, nor was it what she wanted to do.  The idea of packing her bags and walking out of the house where she had lived and dreamed for years (and on the man that she had loved for years) was absolutely appalling to her.

She said, in part: “I can’t believe my husband thinks that I’m going to just leave because he wants me to.  How is this fair?  I have no idea what to do.  If I stay, he’s going to make it very clear that he doesn’t want me there, and he might eventually leave me.   But if I go, it looks like I’m giving up my marriage, and that is definitely not what I want.  I don’t want to leave or divorce my husband, but he seems convinced that this is the course he wants to take.  What can or should I do?”

This is a unique and tricky situation because I often tell wives whose husbands are insistent on leaving them (and won’t accept any alternatives) to be the one to leave.  This is not ideal, of course, but often there’s really no alternative, and at least if you are the one to go, you have more control.  You can be the one to come home rather than trying to get him to come home (which increases your chances of saving the marriage.)

So when there’s no choice, I usually do feel like it’s better to be the one to leave than to allow him to leave.  Still, this situation wasn’t ideal.  And I felt that there were some things to try before the wife just gave in and left.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Try To Take As Much Drama And Immediacy Out Of The Situation As You Can: Right now, both the husband and the wife were filled with emotion and were reacting very quickly to everything that was happening between them.  In situations like these, people tend to make snap decisions and say or do things that they either regret or that are impossible to take back.

So I always feel it’s important to try to bring some calm to this situation so that you get out of reactive mode and get into a mode where you are being proactive and aren’t just reacting to someone else’s whim, words, or actions.

So as hard as it was, I wanted the wife to remain calm and deliberate.  As it was now, doors were slamming, tears were being shed, accusations were being made, and the couple was just becoming more and more distant from each other with every passing hour and day.

So, the next time the husband approached her with something hurtful, I didn’t want the wife to engage.  I wanted her to deflect whatever it was he was throwing at her and make it clear that their interactions were going to be different and weren’t going to follow the same path.

She might say something like “yes, I know that’s how you feel, and I know that you want me to leave because you’ve been telling me this for days.  But I’m no longer going to react like I have been.   There’s no need.  I know how you feel, and you know how I feel.  I have no idea if we’re going to reach a compromise or not, but I’m not going to fight with you and continue to damage our relationship because it’s still important to me.  So, I’d rather wait and discuss this when we are both calm and aren’t going to hurt each other or the relationship.  Can we agree when we might discuss this again at a later time when we’ve both calmed down?”

This is an attempt to slow things down and create an environment that is more conducive to working things out.  I felt strongly that the longer the wife continued to engage or argue, the better the chance that one of them was eventually going to leave the house.

But if you can interrupt the sense of urgency and the drama, you’ll often find that the hurtful words and behaviors are much lessened so that you might actually make some progress and hopefully not have to leave in the first place.

With that said, if you are offered this type of reprieve and end up staying and not having to leave, you’ll need to address and improve your marriage so that whatever issues lead to your husband wanting you to leave don’t remain, so that you’re not dealing with this again in the future.

If Your Husband Won’t Accept Anything Less Than Your Leaving, Then Don’t Leave Things Open Ended.  Try To Set It Up So That You Can Still Communicate (And Hopefully Improve Things) On A Regular Basis: In some cases, even when you’re calm and are taking a cooperative attitude, your husband will still insist that you leave.

When this happens, sometimes it becomes clear that he’s not going to be happy with anything (or accept) but you’re leaving.  However, this doesn’t mean that you should just pack your bags, walk out the door, and hope for the best.  My suggestion is that if you have to concede (and you shouldn’t do this unless it’s clear that you have to), at least control the terms.

Agree to the least amount of time that you possibly can.  Suggest going away and staying with friends for the weekend, or if possible, for less than a week.  Define how often you’re going to call one another to check in.  If possible, schedule some time to get together during the short separation.

Sometimes, being apart for a short amount of time can actually improve things because you’re not engaging, everyone calms down, and your husband realizes he misses you.  But the ideal thing is to keep the separation short and to keep the communication going while keeping the tone positive rather than negative.

In my own marriage, it was my husband who left the house during our separation.  But, I did not understand these principles, and I approached the separation and saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative, overbearing, and desperate behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Is So Angry With Me That He Wants A Divorce

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes speak with wives who have husbands who are so angry with them that they’re saying or hinting that they want a divorce. Usually, the wife has done something that she regrets, is apologizing and saying she’s sorry, but finds that neither of these things matter all that much to her husband at the time. Usually, what she’s done has to do with money, sex, trust, respect, or pride, but this can vary.

Here’s one example. I recently heard from a wife whose marriage was seriously damaged by the situation she was in and her response to it. Because of the economy, her husband had to take a demotion at work. Money and spending had always been an issue between them, but since the demotion, things had really come to a head. Her husband had wanted to drastically change their lifestyle, live on less so that he would feel less pressure and stress, and asked his wife’s support of the same.

The wife pretended that she would go along. She didn’t want to stress her husband out, but she wasn’t ready to change her lifestyle, and she didn’t see the harm in treating herself every now and then, since she thought he was overreacting. So she made little purchases on the side and either incorporated them into her home so he wouldn’t notice or hid them at her mother’s house and sent the bills there also. Needless to say, the husband found out. And when he did, he lost it.

He told his wife he couldn’t be married to someone who respected him so little, who would go behind his back, and who was so sneaky. The wife regretted her actions and said so repeatedly. She hoped this would blow over, but it hadn’t. She said in part: “Yesterday, he told me he wants a divorce. He really is taking this that far. He said he has an appointment with a lawyer this week. He says there is nothing I can do to change his mind. He said we just aren’t compatible in our outlooks, and he is not going to spend the rest of his life with someone who lies and goes behind his back. This has just floored me. I don’t want to lose my husband. Whatever I bought isn’t worth my marriage. But I can’t take it back, and he won’t accept my apology or listen to me. I’m getting so frustrated. What can I do?”

This was a challenge because it seemed like no matter what the wife did or said, the husband refused to listen. He either cut her off or left every time she tried to plead her case. But I was able to offer her some insights that I hoped would help. I’ll share those with you.

Sometimes A Husband’s Anger Does Fade In Time. The Key Is To Handle It In The Right Way Throughout The Entire Process: I hear about situations like this a lot. Some of the time, the husband eventually calms down. But just as often, instead of just waiting for this to occur, the wife becomes frustrated and eventually tells him that he’s overreacting or just being stubborn. Or she tells him that she can only repeat that she’s sorry so many times, and then asks how long he intends to hold a grudge or act like a child? Needless to say, this can make things worse.

Instead, I feel that the best thing to do in this case is to calmly agree with him and continue to do so. The fact was, the wife did know that she was wrong. The money, trust, respect, and honesty issues were ones that were always coming up in their marriage. She had breached these issues before. She knew that these things were serious issues for her husband. And she knew it was wrong to be untruthful and to hide her actions.

So my suggestion was that every time this issue came up, the wife should continue to wholeheartedly agree. She should say something like “you know, you are absolutely right. Words cannot express how sorry I am. Admittedly, I was dishonest and didn’t consider your feelings, and I regret that more than I can tell you, as well as the fact that you want a divorce as a result. I don’t want you to think that I don’t realize exactly what I did or have remorse because I do. There’s no justification for it except to say I’m sincerely sorry, I wish I could take it back, and I understand why it hurts you. It would never happen again. But I understand that you are hurt and angry and feel like you need to take some action, although I wish that things weren’t heading the way that they are.

Do you see what this does? It gives him no point to argue. It takes the wind out of his sails. You are admitting your wrongdoing and aren’t trying to debate it because you know that there really is no excuse. This sort of honesty and respect is often what husbands have been looking for all along. Additionally, there’s no longer any reason to continue on with the anger. You aren’t debating him, or arguing, or contributing to add any drama to the situation.

Now, I can’t tell you if agreeing with your husband will change his mind about the divorce. Over time, if you keep repeating this with sincerity, he might eventually realize that you mean what you say and back off on the divorce. If not, it’s time to go with plan B.

What Happens If His Anger Doesn’t Fade And He Still Wants The Divorce No Matter What I Say?: This happens sometimes, unfortunately. When it does, sometimes the wives will abandon the aforementioned plan in favor of one with debates and arguments because they just feel forced to do so.

I understand this (and I did it myself), but I think that in most situations, it’s the wrong call. If he hasn’t changed his mind yet, it’s unlikely that he will, at least in response to your words. It’s my opinion that what you need to do next is to show him what you want him to know, rather than telling him what you think he needs to know.

What I mean by that is that clearly, he is resistant to believing you or even listening, so this is going to be a gradual process. I know that things are difficult , knowing that you have a divorce on the horizon, but you truly do need to take it one step at a time. In this example, the wife could start by showing her husband (with her actions going forward) that she was a person of integrity.

Sometimes, you have to take the divorce off the table in your own mind and just concentrate on what you most want to show your husband right now. You do this under the premise of wanting to salvage some sort of relationship, no matter what form it takes.

You continue to agree (in any way that you can be sincere and believable), and you keep doing this until eventually you have shown him that you mean exactly what you say and aren’t just doing this to change his mind. You are doing this because you realize you were wrong, want to change, and want to do the right thing no matter what happens.

Does doing this mean he’ll call off the divorce or that you will eventually get back together? I can’t say. But I can tell you that it will often put you in the best position that you can possibly be in. And this sometimes makes all the difference in the long run. This is exactly what I had to do in my own situation. And this eventually worked (although I made many mistakes in the meantime. You can read more about that if it helps here.

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I No Longer Feel Loved By My Husband. What Do I Do? Tips That May Help.

by: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who worry that their husbands are no longer “in love” with them. These same wives are usually no longer receiving the affection or the affirmations that make someone in a marriage feel loved. These women will often tell me things like “it’s almost as if I don’t exist. Yes, we live in the same house and raise the same children, but I just don’t feel like he really loves me anymore. He sometimes tolerates me, but most of the time, I feel as though he couldn’t care less.”

I sympathize with these wives. I had these same feelings in my own marriage, and unfortunately, I did not take them seriously enough to take the action that might have helped before things deteriorated. The truth is, feeling unloved can be the result of many things. But almost all of them could benefit from swift and appropriate action. You deserve to be happy and to feel loved as much as anyone else. And marriage is a place where most people expect to receive this. So if you aren’t, you’re right to be concerned and to want to fix this. I will discuss this more in the following article.

There Are Many Reasons Why A Husband May Not Be Showing Enough Affection And Expressing Enough Love: When a shift in the marriage begins, many women automatically assume that the husband is no longer in love with them or is not experiencing any loving feelings. This isn’t always the case, although many people’s intuition does have some factual basis and merit. However, sometimes, the husband is juggling other things in his life that make him distant, distracted, and non-communicative. Sometimes, he will project these things onto other areas of his life, including his marriage.

Other times, the marriage has become somewhat stale as both parties have become overly comfortable in the marriage, and so the loving gestures and the affections cool. Sometimes, this does not mean that the love is gone, and sometimes it can have those connotations. But, it can really be important not to assume the worst and to know that the way that you address these fears is going to be the same whether the love is 100% gone or not. No matter what the reality really is, isn’t it worth it to try to change things?

Almost any marriage can be vastly improved by taking appropriate action and providing it with more attention and effort. So, instead of worrying or assuming that he doesn’t love you anymore or is no longer interested in showing you the affection that you need, you will sometimes get a better result if you worry about what you are going to do about this instead of trying to place most or all of your focus on defining it.

Ways To Begin To Feel Loved Again By Your Husband: Many times, your first reaction might be to try to nag, guilt, or somehow to get your husband to just do better. The problem with most of these attempts is that they rely on negative emotions and reactions to get you what you want. Although you might be successful in getting a reaction, it might not be the one that you want. You will often get the preferred and lasting reaction when you can bring about positive emotions and perceptions from him.

To that end, a good place to start is often to demonstrate how you are hoping that he treats you. If you need more affectionate gestures and reassurances, it will often help to demonstrate what your wishes look like. What I mean by that is if you want a hug, give one. If you wish, he would hold you, hold him. Yes, he might be a little taken aback and shocked, but few men will argue with or reject a wife who is offering them a supportive back rub or hug. And sure, you might feel resentful that you’re having to be the one who takes the initiative. But this sort of keeping score will usually keep you from getting what you really want.

Often, when you take a series of little steps and begin to show your husband the type of behavior you want, you’ll begin to see small changes. And, it’s very important to show your husband that the changes that you want are not going to require a lot of work or discomfort for him. You’re the one taking the initiative at first. There’s no reason for him to resist this. Usually, once he realizes this, he will begin to reciprocate, and when he does, praise him and tell him how much you love his new behaviors.

The Efforts Will Sometimes Reflect The Feelings: Occasionally, when I suggest the “give what you want” strategy to wives, they will respond with something like “I don’t think that’s going to be enough. I’m sure that he just doesn’t love me anymore, and there’s really not much I can do. I am just trying to learn to live with it.”

My heart breaks for these wives, but honestly, you do not have to accept anything until you first give fixing it a try. And usually, if you can look objectively at your situation, you’ll see that the feelings within your marriage are directly related to the time and effort allocated to it. When people first fall in love, they are at their absolute best behaviors, and they put tons of high-quality time and effort into the relationship. Of course, the feelings are of the highest quality also. But when we begin to let things slide, even for very legitimate reasons, the feelings change as well.

This isn’t fair, but it’s how it often is. The good news is that if you change the quality of what you are putting into it, you’ll often change the quality of the feelings and the demonstrations of the feelings as the result.

Unfortunately, I almost waited too long to change my actions when I felt unloved by my husband. Making things better took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy, and save the marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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My Husband Told Me He Hasn’t Loved Me In A Long Time, That He Stayed For The Kids, And That He’s Considering Leaving

By: Leslie Cane: I recently heard from a wife who was quite devastated at the horrible surprise that had been sprung on her and dropped in her lap.  Her last child had recently left the house for college. Shortly after that, her husband sat her down and told her that he was considering leaving their marriage.   The wife was stunned.  She felt that this was coming out of left field and that she had no warning about this.

When she began to question her husband as to why this was happening, he cut her off and gave her a seemingly prepared statement telling her that he hadn’t loved her in a very long time (possibly years) and that he had stayed with her all along because of the kids.  However,  since both of their kids were young adults in college, there was no need for him to pretend anymore.   He told her that they wanted different things out of their lives and truly weren’t compatible.  And he stressed that even though he would always love her in the way that he would any family member, he was no longer “in love” with her.

To say that this floored the wife is an understatement.  She said, in part:  “Out of the clear blue, he just announced that he hasn’t really loved me for a long time, and yet he sat quietly for all of those years and never said a word.  I mean, I know that some of the passion was gone as we’d been married for nearly 20 years.  I know that our lives were busy, and there wasn’t always time to prioritize our marriage. But I never saw this coming.  I can’t even appeal to his sense of family because our children are in college, so he really has no reason to stay unless he decides that he wants to.  What can I do?”

This was a tough situation, but I felt that there were some things that this wife could try.  I will discuss them more in the following article.

Understand That It’s Common For People To Want To Make Drastic Changes After A Major Even In Their Lives:  It’s not uncommon for me to hear from people whose spouse suddenly wants a divorce or a separation after they’ve had a major stressor or life change.  Examples are a job change, a move, an illness, or the death of someone close to them.

In this case, the last of their children was going away to college.  This often inspires people to take a hard look at or reevaluate how their life has turned out. The wife shared with me that the husband had always regretted not pursuing a college education and, although he was proud that both of his children were doing just that, the wife sensed a little pent-up resentment and disappointment that this didn’t happen for him.

This type of situation is not uncommon.  Now, does the fact that this is a common situation mean that the husband would eventually come to his senses and change his mind?  I can’t say.  But what I can tell you is that evaluating your life (including your marriage) after a major life event is normal and common.

And sometimes, people will take action or think they want or feel something only to change their minds later (once they’ve had some time to see that they were only reacting rather than making a sound choice.)  That’s why I thought it was best that the wife didn’t react badly or panic, even though I understood that she was hurting.

Trying To Save Your Marriage When You Didn’t Do Anything Wrong And There’s Seemingly Nothing That You Can Change:  This wife was in a confusing situation.  Because many times when husbands are considering leaving, you can point to a very defined reason.  There’s usually a very concrete and identifiable problem or issue that is standing between you.

But in this case, every time the wife asked the husband what she could do to fix things, he told her that she hadn’t done anything wrong and there wasn’t anything to fix.  It was just a fact that they weren’t compatible or in love anymore.  The wife wasn’t sure how to even begin to address this.

In cases like these, it’s very unlikely that you are going to be able to “convince” your husband that he’s wrong about how he sees things.  Often, talking things out doesn’t really solve a situation like this one, especially when there’s seemingly nothing to talk about. It’s often your actions and behaviors that are going to make some progress for you.

And sometimes, this process just takes time.  It was very clear to the wife that the husband felt like he missed out on some exciting aspects of his life while he was married and raising children.  And he was hinting that he wanted to experience them now.   The best case scenario here was if the wife could show him that it was possible for them to add some excitement to their lives together.

After all, they had a lot more time and freedom on their hands now that they were empty nesters.  Nothing was holding them back from doing exactly what they wanted to do.  Another point that the husband didn’t seem to consider was that just because the children were in college, this didn’t mean that they didn’t need their family intact.  Divorce and breaking up a family affect everyone in that family, regardless of age.

Prioritizing How You Want To Proceed And Then Working From There: The best case scenario for this wife was for the husband to change his mind about this on his own, without any drama from her.  To that end, I suggested that she remain calm and stress that she would never want to keep her husband from the things that would make him happy or would make his life more fulfilling.

In this way, the husband really doesn’t need to make a choice between having a more exciting life or remaining married.  I felt she should make it clear that he didn’t need to leave her in order for this to happen.  In fact, she’d be willing to accompany him on his new adventures if he wanted.  Or, she would give him space if this was what he needed, also.

Speaking of space, sometimes, it becomes obvious after a while that the husband is determined to set out on his own and see what’s out there.  And in his mind, the grass just might be greener somewhere else, especially if he perceives he’s made sacrifices for years.  If this turned out to be the case, I didn’t think the wife would gain anything by fighting him on this or insinuating that he was silly, wrong, or selfish.

If this happens, you’re typically better off stressing that you want him to be happy and have what he needs to evaluate his life, while controlling how the separation plays out.  Should the worst happen, you want to define the amount of time he’ll be away or offer to leave for a little bit yourself.

However, there was every chance that it wouldn’t come to this if the wife didn’t panic and showed her husband (with her actions and not her words) that they actually could be happy and have new adventures together without needing to break up their family.

I had to use this same gradual strategy when I saved my own marriage.  I made many mistakes, but I finally learned some of the lessons I’ve shared with you here and was eventually able to save my marriage even though my husband was sure he wanted out.  You can read more about that on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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He’s Always Comparing Me To Other Women And It’s Ruining Our Marriage

I once heard from a wife who was being hurt by her husband’s constant comparisons between her and other women. Sometimes, he compared her to her sisters, friends, coworkers, or acquaintances. Other times, he compared her to complete strangers. She had been trying to ignore this for a while, but lately, it had been grating on her so badly that it was very negatively affecting her marriage.

The wife said in part: “My husband compares me to everyone. And the comparisons are never favorable. I’m not as thin as my sister. I don’t make as much money as my coworker. I’m not as good a mom as our neighbor. I’m not as good a cook as his best friend’s wife. I’m not as good a lover as his old girlfriend. It’s got to where I cringe anytime we pass or discuss another woman, and he goes to open his mouth. At first, I used to ignore him, but this is starting to happen all of the time and is becoming much more hurtful. And it makes me so angry that I’m afraid that I’m going to snap back with something equally as nasty. How would he like it if I compared him to other men? I would never do this because it would hurt his feelings, and he’s my husband. But he doesn’t give me the same consideration. And when I call him on this, he says I’m too sensitive. It’s gotten to a point where he will openly stare at other women right in front of me. This is hurting my marriage, and I’m not sure how much longer I can take this. What do I do?”

After a little more clarification, it became apparent to me that the husband would make these comments, and the wife would withdraw and give him the cold shoulder for a short period of time afterward. Over time, she had learned that bringing this up would only make her husband accuse her of being oversensitive. And if she tried to snap back at him, then he would become angry, and things would just get worse. So instead, she would say nothing, and she would stew. This caused resentment and deteriorated their marriage. More and more, she’d been avoiding spending time with her husband because of this and other problems. So this was something that I felt had to be addressed and couldn’t be left in the hopes that it would just work itself out. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips on understanding why a husband may constantly compare you to other women and how to best deal with it.

Why A Husband Might Compare His Wife To Other Women: The wife could not understand why her husband would be doing this. He didn’t act this way when they were dating. It was only within the past five years or so that he had begun this type of behavior. There are various reasons that a husband might act this way. Sometimes, this is their passive-aggressive way of drawing your attention to something they wish were so. And, they may be saying it’s about your parenting skills or your work ethic, but it is usually about something else completely.

Many men criticize you for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with you. They are often trying to get your attention in the hopes that you will pay more attention to them or to things at home (as unlikely as this might sound.) So they will often hit you with very low blows in an attempt to push your buttons, just to get a reaction.

Other times, a man will point out your perceived flaws because he is very aware of his own. Sometimes, a man’s comparison of you is really driven by his own lack of self-esteem or because of his own worries. Sometimes, when I speak with the men on the other side of this situation, it’s clear that they try to pull their wives down because they don’t feel that they deserve them. They secretly worry that if she knew how special she really was, she would leave him, so one way to make sure that this never happens is to point out her shortcomings. And sometimes men react to stress by being critical of those who are most convenient.

I am not defending this behavior. I am just trying to let you know that if you are in this situation, you can be assured that these comparisons aren’t reflective of you. They are reflective of him, and you have to decide if you want to change it, continue to live with it, or remove yourself from it. (My recommendation is to attempt to change it if you can.)

How To Handle It When Your Husband Always Compares You To Other Women: The wife in this situation didn’t want to walk away. She insisted that there were other redeeming qualities in her husband. But she didn’t want to continue to live this way either, nor did she deserve to. And each time her husband did this, it deteriorated her marriage even more. I know that she hesitated to confront this because it seemed to only make things worse, but ignoring it just ensures that it keeps happening.

I suggested that the next time her husband compared her to someone else, she should make a note of it and vow to bring it up at a time when things were calm. If you try to address it when you are hurting or angry, you run the risk of it becoming even worse. So, when things are going well and you are calm, that is the time to address it.

I would suggest saying something to the effect of: “I need to discuss something with you that has been weighing on me. I am telling you this because I love you enough to care about our marriage, and I don’t want to allow anything to deteriorate it. Yesterday, you compared me to (fill in the blank.) This was hurtful and unnecessary. Honestly, this happens a lot. You may not realize it, but you compare me to other people a lot. And when you do, this makes me feel like I’m not making you happy or that you wish I were different. If there is something bothering you about me or our marriage, then let’s discuss it. But I can’t let you continue on with the comparisons. I worry that over time, it will make me resentful. And I know that you don’t mean to hurt me. So, from now on, when it happens again, I’m going to draw your attention to it and ask you what is really bothering you.”

This is just a suggestion. You can use the words that are most appropriate to your husband and to your situation. But the point is to address it in a constructive way, to open the door for him to tell you what is really bothering him, and to let him know that in the future, you will address it each time it happens. This lets him know that he can no longer have a free pass to keep up the comparisons.

Sometimes, just approaching it when you are both calm can inspire open communication that allows you to get to the real root of the problem. Because the comparisons are often a good indicator that your husband is trying very hard to get your attention, and this can sometimes indicate some issues in your marriage that shouldn’t be ignored.

I wish I hadn’t ignored those little passive-aggressive jabs that my husband used to make at me. Ignoring them turned out to be a huge mistake that deteriorated my marriage so badly that we almost divorced. But when I stopped focusing on his behaviors and comments and started focusing on my own reactions and behaviors, things changed. Luckily, over time (and taking calculated baby steps), I was able to reestablish intimacy and bring back our love for one another. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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Reasons Husbands Lose Affection

by Leslie Cane: I get many variations on this question. Usually, I hear from wives who are afraid that their husbands just don’t love or find them all that attractive anymore. Many of these wives feel that they really are trying their best to keep their husband’s interest, but despite their best efforts, they feel him slipping away. Many of them ask why husbands eventually begin to lose interest and withdraw affection, and if the answer to this question can help them to turn things around in their marriage. I’ll tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

Sometimes, His Not Showing Affection Doesn’t Mean That The Affection Isn’t There: Most people would agree that men are generally not as demonstrative as women. Whereas many of us don’t have much of a problem sharing affectionate gestures with those that we love, this sometimes does not come as naturally to men. Usually, when I tell people this, some of them will respond with something like “Well, he was very affectionate when we were dating. He couldn’t keep his hands off of me, but now, he looks at me as though I repulse him.”

I know that this is a frustrating position to be in. But when we are first dating, we’re typically all on our very best behavior. We are very careful to show the other person the best version of ourselves. We do this for many reasons, but one of the most persuasive is that we know that when we act a certain way, we will get a certain response, and the payoff that we want will usually follow. The man in the scenario knows that if he’s demonstrative and gives lots of affection, the woman in the scenario responds very positively, and so the cycle continues on.

But when we get married, after a while, the incentive and the cycle are usually altered somewhat. Eventually, some of us take for granted that our spouse is still going to be there and is still going to offer the response that we want (at least some of the time) without nearly as much effort. The problem with this is that for everyone to feel secure, understood, and loved, it’s usually necessary to offer physical reassurances such as affectionate gestures.

And sometimes when wives try to express this, the husband sees it as nagging or clinging. But a happy medium can usually be reached. And it generally involves showing the husband that this process doesn’t need to be difficult or undesirable, and it will ensure that he gets the response that he remembers.

The Culture Of Your Marriage Being Work And Becoming Stagnant: Sometimes, I do hear from the husbands on the other side of this scenario. And many will eventually admit that their lack of affection is, at least somewhat, the result of a shift of priorities and time allotment. The culture of marriage has changed. Both people have become complacent. And other obligations and priorities eventually take center stage. This is the natural order of things, and no one is to blame for this, but it does take a toll on our marriage.

Many men admit to me that the playful atmosphere of the relationship has changed. In the beginning, everyone was happy and light-hearted, and so it was just natural and easy to show a lot of affection and to give a lot of reassurance. Today, there is a long history behind this relationship. There are responsibilities and priorities, and both of you know that you’re in this for the long haul. And this is where husbands and wives will sort of see things differently. Men sometimes don’t understand that you still need and want those physical reassurances. That’s why it’s sometimes important to ask for this or to spell it out.

Now, that’s not to say that there aren’t some situations where the husband tells me that he’s just not physically attracted to his wife or in love with her anymore. Sometimes, he thinks that these things are true when they really aren’t. And sometimes, things really have deteriorated this far. Usually, though, the wife is able to tell the difference between the two.

How To Make Your Husband Understand That You Need Him To Be More Affectionate: The worst thing that you can do right now is to appear needy or to make what he will perceive as demands or will see as nagging. Instead, you want to focus on the positive, and you want to make this process one that he will see as not too terribly painful. Often, a very effective way to do this is to demonstrate what you want. If you want him to hold your hand, then just take his. If you want him to be more affectionate to you in public, then take the initiative and take the lead.

Some women feel resentful at having to do this, and that’s understandable. But, this often only happens in the initial phases. Because once you begin getting the desired payoff, you will generally realize that who takes the initiative really doesn’t matter as long as everyone is getting what they want.

When your husband does begin doing better and showing you more affection, heap on the praise. Again, you will usually get a much better response if you focus on the positive rather than the negative.

Unfortunately, when I began to notice that my husband was losing affection for me, I just put off addressing it until later. I thought that I would always have time. But this escalated until we almost got a divorce. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only repair our marriage but also restore my husband’s love and his affectionate gestures. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

 

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Easy Tips For Preventing Your Husband From Divorcing You

Most of the women I speak with about relationships are willing to do just about anything to save their marriage and prevent a divorce. Sometimes, their spouse doesn’t want a divorce either, but this isn’t always the case. The situation that I most often see is that one spouse is considering a divorce, while the other spouse wants to do everything in their power to keep this from happening.

I often get comments like “I would consider divorce to be a failure. My parents divorced, and I do not want my children to have to go through that. My husband used to feel the same way, but now that our marriage is in real trouble and struggling, he seems to be at least considering that divorce might be our only viable option. He doesn’t want to live this way anymore. I want to convince him that there are things we can do other than just give up and end our marriage without a fight. What can I do to prevent divorce when I just might be the only one who believes it’s possible?”

In the following article, I will try to address these questions and I will offer some tips on preventing a divorce.

Make Sure Your Focus Is On Embracing Opportunities For Improvement Rather Than On Avoiding A Disastrous Divorce: I understand that when divorce is a real threat, it’s very tempting to want to stop everything and to place every ounce of your energy on it. However, when you do this, it’s almost as if you give the threat of divorce more power and bring it into the minds of you and your husband as a real possibility.

I’m not saying that you should downplay the possibility of divorce or even ignore this threat. I am saying that you should shift your focus from one of thwarting a threat to one as taking an opportunity for improvement. Many people’s mantra will be something like “I am going to do whatever I need to do to prevent my spouse from divorcing me.” These kinds of statements put you in panic mode, which can inspire fast-moving, panic-induced, and ill-advised action that might make things worse.

A better mindset would be something like “I’m going to take this opportunity to reconnect with my spouse, take inventory of what is wrong in my marriage, and eliminate those things that are wrong while placing more focus on what is right.”

The thing is, when you focus so much on and fear the negative (the divorce), you give it much more power and make it seem much more immediate. But if you place your focus on improving the marriage with a positive slant, you will often get a better result, and you will have an easier time during the process while getting much more cooperation from your spouse also.

This doesn’t mean that you should pretend that the threat of divorce doesn’t exist. This isn’t what I’m implying at all. I’m saying that you address what’s wrong, but you focus on the positive and take an improvement-driven attitude rather than taking on an attitude of dread. If you are truly successful in improving your marriage, then this will automatically prevent a divorce. But if your sole focus is to prevent the divorce at all costs, then you often won’t make any changes to your marriage, and whatever reprieve you manage to gain will be short-lived or not enough.

It’s so important to understand that if you can reconnect with your spouse and get on the same page again, working things out becomes so much easier. But if you’re still divided and you try to force divorce prevention, the results may well be very different.

Make Sure That You Make The Process Of Improving Your Marriage One That Both You And Your Spouse Can Get Behind (Don’t Force Your Spouse Into Something That They Are Clearly Resisting:) Often, when people are trying to prevent a divorce, they approach this as though they need to save something that is dead, dying, or so sick that it needs immediate intervention. So they approach this whole process with sort of an attitude of emergency, but with a dose of dread thrown in. This idea doesn’t bring about fun or happy images for most people.

Many wives will insist on counseling or on slogging through their difficult marital issues, and many husbands will resist this and secretly think that they’d just rather get the divorce over with than be dragged to counseling or have their marriage picked apart with a fine-tooth comb. That’s why it’s vital that you think about your spouse’s personality and comfort level when coming up with any plan to prevent the divorce.

Counseling is a wonderful tool, but not everyone is going to agree to it. If your spouse does agree, then work hard to find a counselor that you both like. It’s so important that you are both on board with whatever you decide. If your spouse is still resistant, I think it’s better to find something that your spouse can be enthusiastic about rather than dragging them to counseling when you both know they have a bad attitude about the same. You can always revisit the counseling issue later, when they are more receptive.

As an example, if your spouse would rather spend the day boating with you than sitting in a counselor’s office, maybe that’s a compromise you might want to consider, at least for the time being. The reconnecting that you did when you thought you were only playing or only spending time together might lead to improvements that might eventually make him willing to go to counseling (or might even lead to improvements that make it unnecessary.)

Never turn down the chance to improve your relationship or reconnect with your spouse, even if it feels silly, vulnerable, or like a waste of time. As I said, if you can begin bonding and communicating again, these things are vital to you being able to navigate or work through the issues that are leading to the threat of divorce.

If Nothing Else Works, Look At Acceptable And Temporary Alternatives To Divorce: If you are at the point where you or your spouse feels that a divorce is imminent and nothing is going to help, sometimes it’s advisable to look at another option. If you’ve tried everything that you could and your spouse still wants out, then sometimes it can help to try to offer them an alternative that gives them the time and space they need to avoid them filing for divorce immediately.

You can offer some time apart. If they don’t agree to this, you could then offer a temporary separation to give each of you some time to sort out your feelings and to decide how you’d like to proceed. It’s best if you can define how you expect and want the separation to go. Try to agree on how often you’ll communicate, check in with each other, and get together to discuss how things are going. A separation that is well defined has a much better chance of succeeding than an open-ended one.

I believe that it’s entirely possible to prevent a divorce, no matter how hopeless your marriage might seem right now. To me, one of the most important things to remember is to try to view this as an opportunity for improvement rather than the prevention of disaster.

My husband had already considered a divorce before I got serious about saving my marriage. Unfortunately, before I understood these principles, trying to convince and strong-arm my husband to change his mind about the divorce backfired on me in a big way. Luckily, I decided to show him my sincerity and love for him with my genuine actions rather than my words. And I used some of the suggestions I just gave you. And they worked. You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.  There are also some good free resources for saving your marriage on the sidebar of this blog.

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