Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane:  It’s very common for wives to take on the blame when their husband leaves them or want a divorce.   Much of the time, there is plenty of blame to go around, and taking it all onto your own shoulders seldom does much good.  However, many wives are convinced that it was their behavior that caused their husbands to leave.  And, taking this one step further, they wonder if changing their behavior will make him come back.  I recently heard from a wife who felt certain that she “drove her husband away” with her behavior, and now she wanted to change that behavior to get him back.

She said in part:  “Looking back now, I can see that I was always pretty negative around my husband.  I was always jealous and possessive.  I always assumed the worst of him, and I would mope around the house like I was waiting for something bad to happen.  When he wanted to go out or do fun things with friends, I’d always find an excuse not to go.  He repeatedly told me that it was no fun living with me and that he wasn’t sure how much he could go on, ‘always walking on eggshells’ around me.  But I kept right on with my negative behavior and drove him away, and now he’s gone.   I know now that I was wrong, and I want him back more than anything.  If I change my behavior and prove that I can be pleasant to be around, could I get him back?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Rather Than Placing Your Focus Solely On The Fact That You Drove Him Away, Focus On Changing Your Outlook From Negative To Positive: The wife felt an incredible amount of guilt now that her husband was gone.  She completely blamed herself, and this attitude followed her around when she was trying to interact with her husband.  While it was good that she was willing to take responsibility for her behavior, that same behavior was now in the past.  Yes, a lot of things would need to be undone.  But constantly dwelling on how big a mistake she made wasn’t going to help the situation.  I suggested that she place her focus on the present and the future rather than on the past.  Yes, her negativity had affected her marriage and her family’s happiness.  But today was a new day, and dwelling on her behavior wasn’t changing it or even addressing the negativity.

Making Your Husband Believe That You Have Changed Enough For Him To Want To Come Back: I felt that this should be the wife’s primary goal.  Because in order for her husband to even entertain the thought of going home willingly and with a cooperative attitude, he needed to believe that the wife not only was willing to change but had already started the process.  So it was very important that she approach her husband in both a positive and believable way. It’s equally important that you only say or do things that can be completely genuine.  Because it’s normal and not surprising for your husband to have some doubts about the new you.  Getting him to believe that the changes are genuine, sustainable, and enough will often take some time.  That’s why it’s so important to always be very careful not to revert back to your old behaviors.  You have to truly understand why you acted the way that you did and then make the necessary and appropriate adjustments so that true and lasting change is possible.

Make Sure Your Husband Knows And Understands That Your True Focus Is On Gradually Creating A Happy And Lasting Marriage Rather Than Just Getting Him Back For The Short Term: One thing that I need to make you aware of is that you might run into a bit of resistance from your husband who may have heard all of your promises or vows before.  He may feel as if you’re only telling him what he wants to hear so that he will come back home. But, he may suspect that as soon as he does, you will resort to your old behaviors.

That’s why it’s vital that you make it clear that you are more focused on a long-term solution rather than just a short-term, quick fix.   Because he’s likely not going to want to come back if the solution is only temporary or if he suspects that both of you will do all this work to make all of these changes, only to end up right back where you started.

One way to meet this issue head-on is to focus on more gradual progress.  Your husband will likely have some understandable doubts if you try to make him believe that you’ve suddenly changed your personality or solved all of your issues overnight.  This just isn’t the way that it works, and your husband knows this as well as anyone else.  Instead, you want to focus on gradual changes that are believable and that you can sustain with a little bit of effort.  Sometimes it’s best to keep interactions short and casual until your husband begins to let go of some of his doubts and you begin to regain your confidence.

To The Extent You Can, Try To Surround Yourself With Things That Reinforce A Positive And Upbeat Attitude: When we are faced with the threat of losing someone that we love, it’s normal and understandable to be sad, scared, or even depressed.  But allowing these feelings to drive us when we are interacting with our husbands can intensify and showcase the problems that got us here in the first place.   It’s very easy to take a defeatist attitude and to think things like: “Maybe I don’t deserve him anyway since he’s now seen the real me and I can’t undo what I did.”  The truth is, there was a time when he saw the best side of you and he liked what he saw.  Right now, you have to cultivate that person again.  But you can’t do that if you’re feeding yourself negative thoughts and experiences.

I know it’s difficult to focus on the positive when negative things are happening around you, but doing so will help you to pull this off convincingly, and the difference just may be evident to your husband, which will help to lay the groundwork for the work that you have to do.  This is just one more change that you are showing him.  And the sum of all these changes just might convince him that he’s still invested enough to come back.  So while you might think that you drove him away, now is the time to show him that you’re serious enough about getting him back so that you aren’t going to exhibit the same behaviors.

After my husband left, I did not understand these principles, and I continued on with negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another, more positive angle, and this eventually worked. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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by: Leslie Cane:  Most of the wives that I hear from are interested in one main objective – saving their marriages.   Unfortunately, most of the time, the wives are the only ones who are interested in doing this, at least at the time that they contact me.  Much of the time, the wife is fully invested in saving the marriage while the husband is either indifferent, doesn’t seem to care, or is pretty sure that he wants the marriage to hurry up and end.   So one of the wife’s first objectives is usually to try to pique her husband’s interest to get him invested in saving the marriage again.

I recently heard from a wife who was trying to come up with the best solution to this problem.  She said in part: “I am 100 percent committed to saving my marriage, but my husband is not.  He doesn’t seem interested in even giving me a chance.  He says our marriage is pretty much over and that it’s too late to save us.  He tells me that he feels like trying to save the marriage is not only going to be very difficult, but a waste of time.  He says he’s not interested in doing all of this uncomfortable work and spending money on counseling when the result is going to be a divorce anyway.  He would rather just give in or give up now than participate in something that he thinks might fail anyway.  How can I make him interested in saving our marriage when right now he seems to be anything but?  Is there any way to do this or anything for me to try, do, or say?”

Well, there were certainly things that this wife could try.  It never hurts to try something new rather than just giving up, especially where your marriage is concerned.  Often, the key to getting your husband interested in saving your marriage is understanding what he really wants and how he really thinks.  Once you do this, you then have to make him think that you are providing these things in a way that doesn’t require a huge amount of sacrifice or pain. I’ll offer some suggestions on how to do this in the following article.

Understanding The Obstacles That You Have To Overcome To Make Your Husband Interested In Saving Your Marriage: One of the first steps in getting your husband on board with saving your marriage is to understand his objections to doing so.  In the case above,  the husband had the perception that saving his marriage was going to be a lot of work and ultimately a waste of time.   Also, he’d alluded to his wife that being single and “free” appealed to him because he thought that he wouldn’t be “tied down” and could enjoy life more.   In other words, at least at this point, the husband was seeing being married as somewhat of a burden that had become hard work with very little payoff.   Until I pointed this out, the wife saw her biggest obstacle to saving her marriage as the problems within the marriage.  But actually, you’ll usually need to overcome some additional obstacles before you get to the point where it’s safe or advisable to address your marital issues.

Often, you are initially dealing more with a perception issue rather than a marital issue.  It’s so important to understand the difference and to prioritize accordingly.  In this situation, the wife would probably be better off focusing on showing her husband that the two of them could have fun together and that saving the marriage didn’t need to be a difficult or unpleasant situation.

Showing Your Husband That Saving The Marriage Doesn’t Have To Be An Unpleasant Process Or A Waste Of Time: These perceptions are extremely common and, if you can eliminate or overcome them, it can make this process so much easier.   This isn’t to say that you won’t have to approach this gradually or that you’ll have to overcome some persistent doubts. But showing someone with repeated actions is so much more effective than repeatedly telling them.

I have many men who send comments on my “save my marriage” blog, and it’s clear that many view saving their marriage as about as pleasant as spring cleaning, shopping all day in a large mall, or having a root canal.  There’s just a general perception that the process is going to require them to do some things that are either unpleasant or downright uncomfortable and painful. They picture themselves sitting in a therapist’s office while being poked and prodded emotionally.  They fear being told that they are doing everything wrong or that they are an awful person.  (This isn’t what happens in reality, of course.  But this is sometimes how they will picture it.)

Sometimes, you just have to accept that overcoming these incorrect assumptions is a gradual process that you need to ease your way into.  For example, sometimes it’s best to make a strategic decision that you’re not going to demand counseling if you meet some resistance.  Sometimes, it’s best to delay asking for this until you feel him coming around. Another example would be to put your more difficult issues on the shelf until you see more enthusiasm or cooperation from him.  You want to ease your way and move forward only once you feel some enthusiasm from him.

I realize that these concessions might mean that you make saving your marriage a more gradual process.  But gradual is better than not at all.  It’s better to move slowly and still have your husband on board than to have your husband refuse to participate at all because you are asking for too much too soon.

Appealing To Your Husband’s True Wants And Needs To Make Him More Interested In Your Marriage: It’s very important to understand that husbands have very different feelings about what they want and need out of a marriage than wives do.  Frankly, we do want similar things out of our marriages, but we want to see these things manifest themselves in different ways.  For example, both husbands and wives want to feel appreciated, understood, loved, and admired.  But women or wives are more likely to feel this way when our husbands listen to and pay attention to us.  We want to feel like we matter enough to warrant his attention.

Husbands feel this way, too, but they want to see this through more physical affection.  They want to have a marriage that comes very easily, where they feel that they can be themselves and have fun.  They are much less likely to believe in the theory that a good marriage takes work.  Men often tell me that if the relationship is “right” or “meant to be,” it shouldn’t take this much work.  I tell you this not because I agree, but because I want you to understand the perceptions that you must overcome.

The point is, sometimes getting your husband interested in saving your marriage means proving to him that you can rebuild or save your marriage without too much pain or difficulty, and, when the process is done, you will both be happy and fulfilled by the result.  To do this, sometimes you have to focus on having fun or positive interactions with your husband while doing things that have nothing to do with saving your marriage.  The idea is that you rebuild the relationship and change the perceptions before you attempt anything more ambitious than that.  I know this because I lived it.  I had to overcome these types of perceptions to finally and eventually get my own husband interested in saving our marriage.  If you want to read the story about how I was able to do this, feel free to check out http://isavedmymarriage.com

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by: Leslie Cane: Being separated from your husband is difficult enough when you have access to him and know where he is.  But it’s even more difficult when you have no idea where he is and have no access to him whatsoever.  I recently heard from a wife who was in this situation.  She had come home from work to find that her husband had left her.  He had also left a note telling her that he needed some time to decide what he wanted to do about their marriage. He said that he was taking a few days off from work.   He didn’t tell her where he was going, but said that he would call to check in.  And he did call several days later.  But when he did, he still wouldn’t say where he was staying. The wife asked him multiple times to tell her his location, and he repeatedly told her that he didn’t want to tell her.  Of course, this just made the wife more upset.

She said, in part: “I do not understand why he won’t tell me where he is.  It’s bad enough that he left me.  His reluctance to tell me where he is makes me think that he’s with someone else or isn’t coming back.  I’ve checked with his mother and the friends whom I thought he might stay with, and they all deny that he is with them.  I have no idea what to do now.  How am I supposed to work on getting him to come home or save my marriage if I don’t even know where he is and have no idea when he’s going to call?”

This was a very tough situation.  I completely understood the wife wanting access to her husband (and this included knowing where he was.)  But continuing to confront his friends and family members probably was not the best way to approach this.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

While I Understand Wanting To Know Where Your Husband Is, Handling This In The Wrong Way Could Make The Problem Worse: Finding out where her husband was became this wife’s primary focus.  She admitted that she had been “hounding” everyone that she could think of, and she suspected that these folks were reporting back to her husband.  She knew that this probably didn’t help her cause, but she couldn’t seem to help herself.  She felt that she needed to interact with him face-to-face so that she could know what she was up against.  It was so upsetting to her that she had no control over when or how she talked to him. And she found herself driving around and literally looking for him.

I completely understand this.  In fact, I bugged the heck out of my own husband when we were separated to the point where he got downright angry.  And this made things so much worse.  It’s very important that you show your husband behaviors that will make him think of you favorably, especially when you are trying to lure him closer to you.  So while it might feel right and just to try to dig him down or search him out, doing this is probably not going to contribute to your long-term success. In my opinion, you will be more successful if you back off enough to allow him to ease off on his defensiveness.   Because it’s likely that the harder you try to force him to tell you where he is, the more important it becomes to him to keep this a secret.  And sometimes, if you leave it alone, you’ll find out what you need to know without making your situation worse, which leads me to my next point.

It’s Possible That Your Husband’s Location Will Become Evident Soon Enough Without Your Having To Interfere: Once I encouraged the wife to think rationally, she realized that her husband was going to have to eventually come back to his job.   Yes, she was very frightened that he was with someone else.  But would knowing this for sure really change anything? Probably not.  It was entirely possible that as soon as she stopped asking, he would tell her his location anyway (or he would return to his job), and this whole issue would be over.  Once this happened, it would be time to focus on what was to become of her marriage.

Try To Look At The Bigger Picture And Place Your Focus On Long Term Gains: When I asked the wife what she really wanted in this situation, she told me simply that she wanted to know where her husband was.  But after pressing further, it became clear that knowing his location was just the tip of the iceberg and a means to an end.  What she really wanted was for her husband to come home and so that she could save her marriage.  (And she felt that knowing his location was vital to this happening.)  While this knowledge would be nice, I didn’t feel that it was necessary for the long run.   In fact, I felt she had a better chance of success if she could get him to decide to come back on his own, so that he had a good attitude once he got there.

After a while, the wife realized that calling everyone to figure out where her husband was had been a mistake.  But she didn’t know how to undo the damage that had already been done.  I suggested she text or email him and apologize while telling him that she was going to be out of touch since she was going to be taking some time for herself (and would therefore give him the time that he needed.)  Sure, the husband might be skeptical of this.  But once she kept her word and enough time passed, the husband would learn that he could trust what she said, and this would hopefully help to improve his willingness to work with her in the future.

The wife was not able to control what her husband told her, what he felt, or when he chose to come home.  But what she could control was how she presented herself during this very trying time. And she could control how she reacted and responded when he did come home.  Because honestly, the real challenge in her path was not finding out where her husband was; it was addressing the issues that inspired her husband to leave in the first place, and then saving her marriage once he returned.

I know that this is a difficult time, but hang in there.  After my husband left, I did not understand these principles, and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle, and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read more of that pretty emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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by: Leslie Cane:  I once heard from a wife who could not say enough nice and complementary things about her husband.  She slathered on the praise, saying that he was a wonderful man and a loving father.  She said he was always willing to help out around the house and that he was dependable and loyal.  She said her friends envied her because their own husbands weren’t nearly as involved or as attentive.  She went on and on, but by the tone of the conversation, it was clear that a “but” was coming.

And the “but” was that she didn’t feel the spark, chemistry, or electricity with her husband anymore.  And, because of this, she wasn’t sure if she was “in love” with him anymore. She said, in part: “I love my husband as a person.  He’s a good man.  And I know that I’m lucky to have him.  I would never want to deprive my children of him because they adore him.   In fact, everybody loves my husband.  And that’s why everyone would think I was crazy if I told them how I really feel. When I look at him, I feel love, but I don’t feel lust.  I don’t feel that intense physical connection that I used to, and then I start to wonder if it’s fair or even healthy to stay in a marriage where you know you’re settling.  I know that this is going to sound silly.  But I have a couple of divorced friends who just got remarried.  Seeing them around their new spouses makes me realize just how bad things have gotten for me because they can’t keep their hands off of one another.  I see their playful pictures on Facebook and realize that our marriage is very different.  What should you do if you love your husband as a person, but aren’t sure if you still love him as a man?”

This was a very  heavy topic.  And it was difficult not to feel for the husband because he was described as so loving, loyal, and solid.  Of course, the adjectives that were left out were attractive, sexy, and alluring, which people usually offer when they’re in love with their spouse.  With that said, what the wife was feeling isn’t at all uncommon.  With social media like facebook and twitter giving us glimpses into other people’s lives, it’s very easy to make comparisons and come to the conclusion that our marriage just doesn’t stack up.  But what we don’t realize is that, like in our marriages, things aren’t always as they appear. Besides, you really shouldn’t worry about anyone’s marriage but your own.  And, I didn’t think that this wife’s doubts needed to mean the end of her marriage as long as she addressed the issues that were bothering her.  I’ll discuss this more below.

It Doesn’t Make Sense To Leave A Good Man Before You Try With Everything That You Can To Get The Spark Back Or To Make The Love Return: The wife in this situation was very clear on the fact that she truly did love her husband.  She had a great deal of affection, respect, and admiration for him.  She described him in glowing terms both as a father and as a husband.  I can tell you from the correspondence that I get that descriptions like this are rare.  I can’t tell you how many wives describe their own husbands in a very different (and less complementary) way.

So the wife had a husband worth fighting for, and she was very aware of this.  She also knew that walking away from him was likely to be a mistake.  In addition to the remarried friends that she saw in new and passionate relationships, she had other friends who regretted their divorce and watched with jealousy and regret as their sweet and rock solid husbands found another woman who actually appreciated them. The wife really was quite clear on the fact that she didn’t want to leave her marriage or walk away from a great man who, just at this moment and time, “didn’t curl her toes” as she liked to say.

She wasn’t willing to settle for a lukewarm marriage, but she didn’t want to walk away from such a good spouse and partner.  So the best thing to do before it came to that was to try to reignite the spark with the good man that she loved.  Luckily, there was a time in the not so distant past where she did, in fact, feel electricity with her husband.  In the past, they had definitely had a spark.  But she said it had gone out years ago, as she had to see the guy who used to pick her up on a motorcycle drive his sedan to his desk job five days a week.   It turned out that the things she loved most about him weren’t always a turn-on.  But what she didn’t see as clearly was that she wasn’t doing much to change this.  She was sort of sitting back, waiting for a spark to happen on its own.   And every time it didn’t happen, this just reinforced her theory that her husband no longer “lit her up,” as she explained it.

Reigniting The Spark In Your Marriage When The Spark Is Missing : Here’s something that people rarely talk about.  Most of the time, when you see those couples or those marriages with a lot of “chemistry,” either one of two things are present. Either the relationship is new, or the people involved have made a very committed and deliberate effort to keep that spark.  Honestly, people often just sit back and wait for the fireworks to start.  Unfortunately, this is just not realistic.  The monotony and predictability of day-to-day life will douse that spark if you are not careful.

The good news is that if you genuinely like and feel affection for your spouse, the chemistry can most definitely return if you work at it.  Nothing said that this couple couldn’t dust off the motorcycle on weekends.  Nothing prevented them from prioritizing alone time together so that they could reconnect.  Here’s another thing that people rarely talk about.  The more sex you have, the better that sex becomes.  You can’t neglect that part of your life and expect it to just perform on cue.  You have to cultivate it with regular practice.  (And, when this wife saw her husband more as a motorcycle riding bad boy, they practiced quite a lot because that perception of him was a turn-on.)  In order to feel a spark, you first have to build the base of the fire.  Many couples don’t do this and then wonder why the flames struggle or burn out.  I felt strongly that if the wife made physical contact and fun with her husband a high priority, she was going to eventually begin to notice the spark back and the chemistry returning.

There are countless things that you can do to return the chemistry in your marriage.  It never hurts to look at if there are any emotional issues in your marriage that is manifesting itself in physical ways.  Amy Wasserman’s e-course (information is on the right side of this blog) is a good place to start.  You can read more about my own process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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by: Leslie Cane:  Many of the women asking this question today remember that not so long ago,  both their husbands and themselves were very happy in their marriage.   But that mutual happiness is sometimes in stark contrast with today, when their husband is telling them that he’s just not happy anymore.   And although there are some wives in this situation who will admit that they aren’t all that content either, some tell me that this caught them off guard because they are still pretty happy in their marriage.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “My husband is telling me that he hasn’t been happy in our marriage for the past 8 months.  I’m a little surprised, although I must admit that I’ve noticed him acting differently and being quieter and sullen.  I chalked this up to his very stressful job, where his company continues to lay off his colleagues.   When he was telling me about his unhappiness, he alluded to the fact that he didn’t think that I could be happy with the way things were going either.  The thing is, I am happy in my marriage.  Sure, things aren’t perfect.  We don’t have as much time together as we did when we first got married, but who does?  It’s not all sunshine and roses, but I knew that coming into it.  I still wake up every day loving him and, although we’re no longer as connected or as affectionate as we once were, I still enjoy his company and being part of his family.  I don’t need constant romance or sex.  I just want him.  But when I tell him this, he looks away or sighs as if he doesn’t believe me.  My mother says if he’s truly this unhappy, I should let him go because he’s not likely to change how he feels.  And I admit that it does seem unfair to stay in a marriage where I know that I’m the only one who is happy.  So what should I do?  I don’t want a separation or a divorce, but I don’t want to be selfish either.  I love him, and if he’s unhappy, perhaps the right thing to do is to offer to let him go.”

I have to admit that this wife was a bit of an exception to the rule.  Most wives in this situation ask me how to get their husbands to change their minds or to make them see where they’re wrong.  And frankly, many are most concerned with their own fears and feelings.  I always encourage these wives to make sure that their husband knows that they care very deeply about their level of happiness.  But this wife already had that mentality.  And, although she didn’t want to, she was fully prepared to let him go if he ultimately decided that he could not be content in the marriage. But I thought that there was a chance that things didn’t need to escalate to that level.  I’ll tell you why in the following article.

If The Source Of The Unhappiness Can Be Removed Or Addressed, Then This Should Be Your First Step: It was clear that the marriage wasn’t always as it was today.  There was a time in the not-so-distant past when both husband and wife were completely content and fully invested in the marriage.  So the obvious question becomes, what had changed?  And the wife wasn’t able to completely answer that question.  The only real change that popped into her head was the stress her husband was under at his job, which resulted in him being so tired and on edge when he returned home that he just ate and went to sleep watching TV.

As far as she knew, there was no infidelity, money issues, or any of the other common issues that destroy marriages.  There was a good deal of stress, which resulted in a husband who withdrew more often.  So, the most logical step in this situation would be to try to address the stress that seemed to be sapping the happiness out of her husband.  In the past, her husband had relieved stress through sports or exercise, but lately he’d been too tired or too depressed to turn to that outlet.  I suggested the wife make every attempt to get her husband back on some type of exercise or sports schedule, even if this meant going along with him. Because sometimes, we project our own stress levels onto our spouse and equate this with their inability to make us happy, even if this is far from accurate. And if the husband’s negative emotions were due to his job or to stress, then attempting to address or eliminate that stress would be a good place to start.

The wife also told me that the husband had been dropping phrases like: “I can’t help but look around and wonder if this is all there is.”  Or “I feel like I just do the same thing over and over day in and day out.”  Although it wasn’t necessarily fair to allow the predictability of his life to influence his marriage, these were clues.  If the wife could bring some fun and excitement into their lives or introduce some activities that the husband might enjoy to shake things up, this might also be a good place to turn her attention.

Although You Can And Should Try To Bring Some Joy And Fun Into Your Spouse’s Life (And Into Your Marriage,) No One Can Make Your Spouse Happy But Them: Even with all of the above suggestions, I have to tell you that sometimes, there’s a real risk that the happy spouse tries to over accommodate in this situation. They start to worry that their spouse’s contentment is their sole responsibility.  It really isn’t.  Although I encourage you to do everything in your power to improve your marriage and to bump up the fun and excitement in it, you shouldn’t blame yourself for your spouse’s feelings.  While it’s important that your spouse understands your wish for them to be happy and at peace,  if you take responsibility for their happiness, you almost encourage that projection that I talked about earlier.  Neither of you should believe that happiness is the responsibility of anyone other than the person experiencing it.  With that said, you always want to remain upbeat and encourage your spouse to do those things that bring them joy or lighten their load.

If All Else Fails, Consider Offering Some Other Types Of Support: Hopefully, once the wife tried to address the things we discussed, things in her marriage would improve.  But sometimes, there is more work to do.  There are times when you try to remove or address the source of the unhappiness, and you try to change things up, but you are still left with a sullen spouse.  If this is the case, you have to ask yourself if it’s possible that this doesn’t have everything to do with you.  Sometimes, people take their past issues and struggles with them into their relationships without realizing it.  They think that their struggles have everything to do with their marriage when they do not.  This is not at all uncommon.   Counseling or education can help greatly in this situation, although many men aren’t always receptive to this.

Another option is to offer your spouse some time to themselves to sort out their feelings or to clear their head. ( I suggest you stay with friends for a while rather than moving out.)  Sometimes this makes them realize that they still feel the same unhappiness even when you aren’t present.  And sometimes they will then put two and two together and realize that you and the marriage aren’t the source of their problems.  (But, this strategy is one to use after everything else has failed, as there is a bit of risk involved.)

But to answer the question, I believe that you SHOULD stay married if you can change things so that you are BOTH happy.  This might take some doing, but it’s certainly not impossible.  Splitting up when happiness could be restored is a sad thought to me.  I understand this situation intimately.  I was the happy one in my marriage, while my husband was unhappy.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know these techniques at the time, so we eventually separated.  Luckily, I educated myself about new strategies that eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read about the things that worked to bring happiness back in our marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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by: leslie cane:  Many wives who contact me are going through some serious turmoil within their marriage.  Some are just beginning a separation, and some have even been served with divorce papers.  Others just know that their marriage is in serious trouble.  Despite all of the drama going on in their lives, many of these wives want very much to make their marriages work.  But sometimes they are faced with a husband who isn’t nearly as invested as they are.  And sometimes, they look around their marriage and realize that the cards are stacked against them.  This is a lonely place to be when you feel as if you’re the only one who truly cares what happens to your marriage.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I desperately want to make my marriage work, but I’m not sure if it’s going to be possible anymore.  My husband told me he plans to move out.  We barely communicate anymore.  We never seem to have any common ground, so I’m not even sure how we’re going to pull together to save the marriage.  In fact, I don’t even think that he wants to work things out.  But for my kids’ sake, I want to find a way. Sometimes, though, it just seems to be an almost impossible task when we’re already miles apart.  I’m not even sure how I feel about him anymore.  My priority right now is keeping my family together, but it would be nice to have the marriage that we used to have before we drifted apart.  Is this even going to be possible when I’m on the fence and he has one foot out of the door?”

Anything is possible.  I’ve seen marriages left for dead revived through luck, hard work, or sheer determination.   In my observation and experience, you have the best chance of success when you can put your doubts and fears aside and just move forward.  Sure, there are times when this doesn’t work.  But at least you will know that you gave it your best effort so that, should the marriage not work, you never wonder if you left anything on the table.   I will discuss this more in the following article.

I Think It’s Always Possible To  Make Your Marriage Work.  But It Becomes More Likely When You Have A Very Deliberate Plan That You Carry Out With Determination: I have to say that I hear from many women who want to make their marriages work.  But not all of them are willing to come up with a plan and carry it out.  Many just hope that their husband will change his mind or that fate will somehow intervene to make things work out.   And I’m not saying that these things never happen.  They can.  But statistically speaking, the wives who are able to make their troubled marriages work when their husband is no longer invested or has one foot out of the door generally take very measured steps and continued efforts to turn things around.

This isn’t always easy, and it can take real determination when you feel rejected or when you worry that you aren’t making any progress.  Sometimes, you can feel like just giving up or throwing in the towel.  But I can tell you that there are women out there right now who continued on despite their own doubts (or when things weren’t going their way), who are happily married today as a result.  If you are really serious about making your marriage work, it’s my opinion that it helps to make a real commitment to doing everything that you can (within reason) so that you know that you’ve left nothing on the table.

Women Who Make Their Marriages Work When The Cards Are Stacked Against Them Are Very Often Determined To Keep Moving Forward Despite Their Doubts: I completely understand the doubts that you feel right now.  They are probably very similar to those that I experienced when I was trying to save my own marriage. However, it’s important to remember that sometimes, you haven’t truly lost until you give up.  The second that you accept or tell yourself that your marriage just isn’t going to work is the moment that you take yourself out of the game.  As vulnerable as it sometimes feels when you think that you are the only one who cares if the marriage works or not, sometimes you have to be the person who takes the initiative, even when it makes you feel extremely unsure about yourself or about your situation.

And sometimes, you have to move past the rejection and try again until you begin to see a change in your husband’s attitude or behaviors.  You can’t expect everything that you try to work on to be done immediately or flawlessly.  Sometimes you will have to back off and regroup for a bit and then try again.  There’s nothing wrong with this.  I know that saving your marriage can be a complicated and scary process, but it’s important to remember what is truly at stake.  Giving up can be a lasting decision.

I don’t mean to imply that all you need to do is decide and commit to saving your marriage, and success will just magically happen. Eventually, and at some point, your husband will have to get on board.  But there is plenty that you can do until that day comes. And, should you fail, at least you will know that you didn’t quit until you were out of options.

If You Are Really Doubtful That You Can Make Your Marriage Work, Then One Option Is To Take Small Steps Toward Gradually Removing Obstacles: The wife in this situation had some very specific concerns about her marriage.  It seemed that the volume of these things overwhelmed her.  So I suggested that she break them down one by one and then address them as she was comfortable.  Perhaps she wanted to start with the smaller issues first.  (When I say addressing them, I don’t mean picking your marriage apart so much that you appear critical.  I mean taking a measured but positive approach.)

For example, she mentioned several times that she wasn’t sure how either of them felt about the other.  At first glance, this can seem like a huge issue.  But you can break it down into daily steps.  It was clear that the couple were just avoiding one another at this point.  So one goal for her might be to seek out her husband to see if she could have at least one positive and light-hearted interaction per day, and see where that lead her.

I know that this might seem extremely simplistic.  But I can tell you that it’s often the little things that lead to gradual but lasting changes that can make all of the difference.  It might sound cliche.  But in this case, a long journey really can begin with a single step.  And when you’re talking about your marriage, putting one foot in front of the other can be quite doable and can give you the confidence that you need to take on even larger challenges and changes.

How do I know all of this? Because I lived it.  I had to use these strategies when I saved my own marriage.  I faced some obstacles, but I eventually overcame them.   If it helps, you can read more at  http://isavedmymarriage.com . I also highly recommend Amy Wasserman’s free e-course that you can find on the right side of this blog.

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By: Leslie Cane:  I once heard from a wife who was worried because she couldn’t help but notice that her husband never wanted to be alone with her anymore.  Every time they went somewhere or did anything, he would automatically invite friends or family.  This hurt her feelings, and it wasn’t doing much for their sex life either.  She had also noticed that they didn’t seem to be as connected to one another, and this also really bothered her.

She said, in part: “My husband seems to want to avoid being alone with me at all costs.  I’ll try to make weekend plans so that we can have some alone time together, but no matter what I suggest, he will then want to call our friends or family and invite them along.  Lately, I’ve been asking him why, for once, it can’t just be us.  I have very directly told him that I want some alone time with him, but he scoffs and says that we’re a married couple and therefore we are together all the time.  Plus, he always makes the point that events are more fun with a bunch of people.  Much of the time, he invites his coworkers or family that sees him all the time anyway.  I just don’t understand it.   Then, at the end of the evening when I’m finally free of all the extra people, I’ll try to show him some affection and bond with him, and he just doesn’t seem receptive, even for sex.  He’ll say that he’s tired or that there will be plenty of time for us later.  But later never comes. I’m not sure how much more I can take of this.  When I married my husband, I assumed that this meant I would get to spend a lot of time with him.  But it’s very clear that being alone with him is something that is not a given.  What can I do about this?  Am I asking too much? Why does he do this?  Does he not love me anymore?  Does he find it distasteful to be alone with me?”

I certainly didn’t think that the wife was asking too much to have some alone time with her husband.  But there are several possible reasons that her husband might not want to be alone with her.  I will discuss this more in the following article.

Some Possible Reasons That Your Husband Doesn’t Want To Be Alone With You: There are some families who have a sort of “the more the merrier” culture in their home.  Some men grow up with lots of different people and family members around their home all of the time.  They likely grew up seeing their parents always having other people included in normal and special occasions, so it’s totally natural for them to mirror what they saw growing up.  And, if this is the case, you may have gotten a glimpse of this when you were dating, so that you aren’t completely surprised now.

However, this wasn’t the case with this wife.  Her husband didn’t grow up in a family that always had other people over, and, when they were dating, they were very often alone except for special occasions.  This issue was a relatively new one, and she suspected that it indicated that there was a problem with their marriage.  She couldn’t deny that the connection didn’t seem to be there, and sometimes when they were alone, the conversation lagged or things seemed a bit awkward.  However, the wife often wondered if she was noticing things that didn’t exist because this bothered her so much.

I’ve dialogued with a few men about this on my blog, and often, the men will tell you that they are just trying to make things exciting by bringing other people along.  Other times, they will tell you that things have become strained in the marriage, so they figure if other people are around, they won’t argue as much with their wife, and they hope that the conversation won’t be forced or strained.  On rare occasions, I’ve had men admit that they aren’t quite as attracted to their wife anymore, and they dread se,x so they are trying to delay it or to make it happen less.

On the other hand, many men will tell you that they just enjoy being around the people that they invite along, and they don’t understand why their wives doesn’t agree.   I can’t tell you which of these scenarios may be true for your marriage or for your husband, but hopefully you’ve read something here that might ring a bell for you.  Now that we’ve discussed why he may not be alone with you, let’s discuss how you might handle it.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Never Wants To Be Alone With You Anymore: The wife had tried telling her husband that she didn’t enjoy having other people tag along all of the time, but this hadn’t worked.  Her husband was basically just telling her that she was being silly or dismissing what she had to say.  I suggested that the next time this issue happens, she address it in the spirit of compromise.  Because her husband had been accusing her of “always complaining” about the issue.  As such, he was likely tuning her out.  Sometimes, in order to get him to listen, you have to speak in the language that you know he best responds to.

So, I suggested that the next time this happens, the wife respond with something like: “Well, you know that sometimes, I’d like for it to be just us.  Can we agree that we’ll make it a group this time, but next weekend, it will be just the two of us?  I don’t mind having friends along tonight, as long as I’m getting you to myself next weekend.  How about you take care of the group plans tonight, and I’ll handle the plans for next weekend?”

Also, the wife admitted that she usually pouted when they were out with others.  This was certainly understandable, but it probably wasn’t helping her cause all that much because it was making the distance and the awkwardness more noticeable and more likely.

If none of these suggestions worked and her husband was still pretty much refusing to be alone with her, then it was probably time to really take a good look at the marriage to determine if there were some larger issues at play.  If your husband doesn’t want to be alone with you because he doesn’t enjoy your marriage or your company, then there are certainly larger problems than having others around all of the time, and those issues are where you should focus your attention.

I’m really glad that you want to take action.  Sometimes, people ignore these little problems so that they eventually become big problems, which means that the marriage is in real trouble.  Such was the case with me.  When it finally occurred to me that my marriage was in serious trouble, my husband had already wanted to move out.  Saving my marriage was a lot more difficult as a result, but I was finally able to do it.  If it helps, you can read about what worked for me and what didn’t (as well as take a look at some very good free marriage resources) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I recently heard from a wife who felt a great deal of anxiety about the state of her marriage.  Although no one had spoken about a separation or getting a divorce, it had become obvious to her that the marriage was on a decline.  She said that she felt as though the “cards were stacked against” her marriage because they now seemed to have so many issues that were causing problems for them.  For example, they were from different backgrounds and practiced different religions.  Because of this, the wife felt that she’d never really been accepted by her husband’s family.

Her husband also worked long hours and seemed to put his work ahead of his family.  They had two kids, but the wife said that he was pretty sure that her husband no longer saw her as a woman or a lover.  Instead, she felt he saw her as a wife and mother only.  This hadn’t done wonderful things for their chemistry or their sex life.  She felt like they were just sort of coexisting rather than connecting.  She said in part: “I’m really worried about the future of my marriage.  We just seem to have different priorities, backgrounds, and outlooks.  And my husband is always preoccupied with other things.  His face doesn’t light up when he looks at me anymore.  In fact, he treats me like one of his friends or employees rather than his wife.  It seems as if the spark and the chemistry are gone, and I feel as if we keep going on the path that we seem to be on, our marriage could be in real trouble, and we might not have a future at all.”

It was obvious that the wife was experiencing a lot of anxiety and worry about her marriage, but if there was any good news, it was this.  The wife was taking notice of her situation BEFORE there were talks of a separation, a break, or a divorce.  Typically, when I hear from folks, their marriage is already facing the possibility of ending.  One of the spouses has usually either asked for a separation or a divorce.  This wife had the luxury of this not being the case with her.  She had an opportunity to improve things BEFORE she was in a situation where she was being forced to fix things with her back against the wall.  So in the following article, I’ll share some of the suggestions that would be applicable to the wife.

It’s Better To Take Action To Improve Your Marriage Than To Continue To Worry About The Future Of It: Although I felt that it was an advantage that the wife wanted to address the issues in her marriage before they became serious problems, I cautioned her against continuing to allow the worries to get out of control.  She admitted that her husband often told her that she tended to see problems where none existed and worried endlessly so that she made big problems out of problems that were actually small.  She also admitted that sometimes her friends told her the same sorts of things.

Still, I felt that she should take some action instead of continuing to worry.  You can’t always trust your husband’s perception of things, as men tend to not see problems until they are so serious that they are impossible to deny. And if the issues were problematic enough to her that they were continuously causing her pain, then I felt that the best thing to do was to take some action quickly.  It didn’t make sense to just continue to feel anxiety.  With that said, you often will need to be mindful about how you address them, which I’ll discuss now.

Don’t Let Your Anxieties Set The Tone When You Address The Issues That Are Causing The Worry: I really could identify with this wife because I have a tendency to be a worrier myself.  And I know that sometimes, our anxieties can take on a life of their own and this makes us have a pessimistic outlook in which we overreach a bit.  So while I absolutely wanted for the wife to address and change those things that were worrying her, I didn’t want for her to do it in such a way that she gave them even more power or magnified them in her husband’s eyes.

Her first inclination was to sit her husband down and list all of the things that were troubling her and plead that he take her seriously and work with her to make some drastic changes. Although I could see why this appealed to her, I didn’t think that she would get the best results with this strategy.   You often get better results with small and realistic changes that don’t rely upon the efforts of a reluctant spouse.

It’s my experience (from when I was trying to save my own marriage and from the people that I hear from on my corresponding blog) that you will usually get the best results if you first concentrate on what you can control yourself.  Once you begin to get good results (and your spouse notices this,) then you will often have a much easier time obtaining their cooperation and enthusiasm.

So I felt it best that the wife begin the process on her own, at least at first.  She might try to take the issues that she’d mentioned and examine and prioritize each of them.  There wasn’t much that she could do about their different backgrounds.  And, their differing backgrounds, outlooks, and religions hadn’t bothered them when they were dating or were first married.  The reason for this is that, when you are first dating, you are so deeply connected and committed that you didn’t focus on those things that would interfere with the health of your relationship and with your happiness.

Frankly, sometimes, the best way to deal with the issues in your marriage that worry you is to first reconnect with your spouse so that you are deeply committed and connected again.  Because when this happens, those worrisome issues are so much easier to work through.  I felt that the more telling worry was that they weren’t connecting as a man and woman.  Yes, it’s easy to blame this on your job, your children, or your obligations.  But, regardless of the cause, I felt that if they could begin connecting physically and mentally again, all of those larger issues that had always been there wouldn’t seem so large anymore.

Taking action and addressing these issues were, at least in my opinion, so much better than continuing to worry and to half expect for the marriage to continue to falter.  Because if she took this path, things could become so bad that the issues might be much more difficult to fix than they were right now.

I wish that I had taken notice of some of the issues that cropped up in my marriage years before things fell apart.  If I had, I might not have had to play catch-up as I did when my marriage was in real trouble.   But despite that, I was able to take some actions that eventually saved the marriage.  If it helps, you can read more about that process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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