Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from panicked wives whose husbands have just or recently told them that he wants a separation.  For many wives, the “s word” is often akin to proclaiming that the marriage is most definitely over, at least in her eyes.  Many people associate a separation with an eventual divorce and assume that when a husband asks for a separation, he is taking the first small step toward ending the marriage.  Many wives assume that once a husband has decided that he wants to separate from you, then essentially his mind and his heart are now closed off to you and the marriage, and, because of this, any attempts to save it are going to fail because the husband is just unwilling to allow this to happen.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “Last week, my husband told me that he wants a separation.  He said that this weekend, he was going to move out for a while to clear his head and think about what is ultimately best for us and our marriage.   My mother says I might as well go ahead and kiss him goodbye because she says that once a man moves out due to separation, your marriage is pretty much over.  She said if he was interested in saving our marriage, he would have agreed to counseling, and he would not be so quick to leave and move out.  She is probably right, but I just can’t help but think that he stressed that he would be thinking out the outcome of our marriage, almost as if he’d not yet reached a decision.  Because of this and other reasons, I’m not ready to just give up on my marriage – even if he wants a separation. So who is right? Can a marriage be saved if the husband wants a separation?  Or is this just the beginning of the end?”

In my opinion, this wife is right. My husband and I had separated, and he had moved out, and yet I was able to save my marriage, and I know many others who have also done this.   I’ve even known couples who actually divorced and eventually saved their marriage after the fact.  So, while saving your marriage when your husband wants a separation isn’t always easy or immediate, it most certainly can happen.  I’ll go into more detail about what is necessary to accomplish this in the following article.

Even Though Troubled Marriages Are Saved Every Day, You’ll Often Need To Overcome Some Obstacles In Order For This To Happen: I absolutely know that marriages can be saved even during, after, or before the separation ever takes place.  However, with that said, I also know that many wives will just sort of wait and hope that their husband magically changes his mind about them, their marriage, or the separation.   And, sometimes, when this doesn’t work, they become afraid or desperate, and they take things to extremes.

They might follow him around, call or text him way too much, or indulge in behavior that borders on stalking, and I will fully admit to this behavior in my own situation, although I am certainly not proud of this today.  All I can say is that, at that time, my mind wasn’t thinking very rationally, and I felt that I had to do something very soon and very dramatic if I was going to save my marriage.  I felt constantly frustrated and afraid, and unfortunately, these negative emotions clouded my actions.

Of course, at the time that I was carrying this out, I didn’t realize that I was actually making things worse and ensuring that my husband was even less receptive to me every time he witnessed my bad behavior and, as a result, only wanted the marriage to end even more quickly.  So I’m trying to save you both time and heartache when I suggest that you avoid these traps and understand what really needs to happen in order to save your marriage when your husband wants a separation.

You’ll need to allow him to see that the perceptions or beliefs that lead him to want the separation were either too hasty or just out and out wrong.  For example, if he wants to separate because he thinks that the spark is not there, then you’ll need to show him some chemistry.  If he wants to separate because all you do is fight, then you’ll need to show him a person with whom it’s relatively easy to get along.

Of course, often, it’s a combination of reasons that he wants to separate, other than just one.  And sometimes, his reasons for wanting a “break” or separation aren’t completely clear to you.  But this doesn’t mean that you should give up or just wait for things to magically happen.  You can still put yourself in a position to change his perceptions.  While it’s true that you may be in a situation where he’s resisting being with you, not wanting counseling, or just seeking some time on his own, none of this means that you can’t make every interaction count or that you can’t conduct yourself with grace and integrity so that he sees that he just might have been wrong about you and about your marriage.

Changing Your Husband’s Mind About The Separation When He’s Not Exactly A Willing Participant: Probably the most difficult obstacle that you’re going to need to overcome is that you won’t always have a receptive and willing participant.  Your husband may resist being with you or may be very guarded when he is.  I know that this can be tough to overcome.  But I’ve always found that the best thing to do in this situation is to use this to your advantage.  Because he’ll often resist changing his stance, especially at first.  And, because the strategy that many of us are tempted to take (engaging, debating, begging, and acting negatively) so rarely works, we are often so much better off just appearing to accept this and then to flip things around and use them to our advantage.

Believe it or not, sometimes when you back off, remain positive, create some mystery, and allow for the time and space that he’s asked for, the silence will suddenly feel odd and lonely to him, and he will attempt to fill it by actually seeking you out or initiating the contact.  Sometimes, if you allow him to miss you, he actually will.  And when this happens, you’re suddenly in a much better situation, and you have much more room to actually gain some ground in saving your marriage.  Yes, this does take some time and some doing.  But I know without any doubt that it can be done, especially when you don’t focus on the negative and don’t attempt to force the process.

As I’ve already alluded to, it was my husband, not me, who wanted the separation (and who was reluctant to end it.) Unfortunately, when trying to save our marriage, I drew on desperation and fear. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love but also to save and rebuild our marriage. You can read a very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who find themselves in an unhappy marriage because their husband is just an unhappy person in general. And, it’s obviously difficult to have a happy or upbeat marriage when one spouse always seems determined to be miserable.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “My husband is just a very unhappy person on a daily basis.  He’s always bringing me down.  It’s like he’s determined that he wants to be miserable even if there are good things in his life and even if we all try our best to make him happy.  I’ve started to notice this is affecting my children.  They will come home from school all excited to share something with us, and he’ll be his typical unhappy self, and I can just see the excitement fade from their eyes. I’m afraid that eventually, they will start to just shut down or check out in the same way that I have.  This isn’t the way that I want to live my life.  Nor do I want my kids in a negative environment.  I’m considering leaving him and filing for a separation or divorce, but the only thing keeping me from doing that is the fear that a divorce would be more painful for my kids.  And, sometimes I feel guilty that I’m considering just leaving him without first giving him the chance to change.  But the problem is, I don’t think he can change.  He’s been this way for years, and I’m so very tired of it.  I want and deserve to feel happy again, but he drains all the joy right out of me.”

This is a difficult situation because there’s every chance that with a little effort on the part of both people, real change could be possible.  But, understandably, the wife had lost patience over the years.  Still, I did believe that there were some things to try before she just turned her back and walked away.  I’ll discuss these things in the following article.

Has Your Husband Always Been An Unhappy Person?  Or Is There A Root Cause Of The Unhappiness That Can Be Addressed Or Removed?: The wife described the unhappiness as a long-term problem, but upon further clarification, it became clear that when they were first dating and first married, he was actually quite upbeat and pleasant to be around.  I asked the wife when she had noticed the husband start to become more negative and unhappy.  After thinking on it for a while, she admitted that she noticed a personality change after her husband finally decided to make a lifestyle and job change.  Her husband had a law degree that he didn’t intend to use, and when she met him, he was a struggling author.

Later, though, after they had kids, they both wanted a higher and more secure income, so the husband dusted off his law degree and entered the corporate legal world.  The wife admitted that his job ran counter to his personality.  He was very introverted and nonconfrontational.  Yet, he had to constantly argue back and forth with other attorneys as he was a trial lawyer.  The wife sympathized somewhat, but at the end of the day, her stance was that very few people were in love with their jobs, and most didn’t complain or mope over it on a daily basis.   The bottom line was that they needed the money, and he was the major source of their income.

Her stance was every bit as understandable as his. But, since his personality change so perfectly coincided with his career change, there was a good chance that if they could eliminate some of the stress and conflict from his job, she might see more of that happy go lucky and very creative person that she used to love so much.  In short, her husband felt as though he had to stifle who he was on an almost daily basis.  This would make even the most upbeat people unhappy, at least some of the time.  By no means is it my intention to defend the husband, but I can see how spending every day pretending to be someone that you are not would weigh on you after a while.  And I felt if the wife respected this rather than constantly telling him to put on the happy face that he didn’t feel, she might get much better results.

Because there actually was a lot of good news here.  Her husband wasn’t unhappy because he didn’t love her anymore, was stuck in a bad marriage, or was just an unhappy personality.  These things can eventually be changed or fixed, but their situation was potentially easier to manage.

Don’t Remain Silent.  Bring Your Husband’s Attention To His Unhappy Behavior As Soon As It Bothers You: The wife was pretty much suffering in silence.  She didn’t want to constantly complain because she felt that, if she did, she would just be adding more misery to their home life.  But remaining silent doesn’t really help either.  It just ensures more of the same. You can bring your husband’s attention to his behavior without sounding as if you’re complaining.

And here’s something that few spouses who are living in this situation realize.  Very often, the unhappy person in the relationship isn’t content with the way that things are going either.  They are often suffering just as much as their spouse.  They don’t like being unhappy all of the time, but they aren’t sure how to change things.  And this frustration just leads to more unhappiness.

I suggested that the next time the husband’s attitude brought everyone else down, she might say something like: “Honey, I’m not sure if you realize this, but your unhappiness is apparent to everyone in our family.  It hurts me to see you this unhappy, and it affects our marriage and our kids.  We have to do something about this because I’m afraid that eventually none of us are going to be happy if we continue to live this way.  And I know that you don’t want that because you love us and want us to be a healthy and happy family.  What can I do to help you right now?  What would lighten your load?  I hate to see you hurting this way.”

Notice that I was careful to sound compassionate rather than accusatory.  I know that approaching things with this tone can be a challenge, but it’s often the way to get what you truly want.  And, I think that it’s a potential mistake to turn your back on your marriage before at least trying to fix it.

Coming Up With Compromises That Make You Both Happy: The wife was understandably reluctant to change her lifestyle in the hopes that it would change her husband’s happiness level.  She didn’t think it was fair that she had to make drastic changes just because he “chose to be unhappy” with his job.  But often, even small changes will help.  Her husband could change specialties so that he could use his creativity more and have to engage in conflict much less.  Being a litigator for a shy and introverted person can be a huge challenge.  But other areas of law might be a better fit and might make the husband much happier, which would in-turn bring about huge changes at home.

The real key is to approach this with compassion.  You want the unhappy person to know that your goal is truly to help them rather than to accuse them of bringing everyone else down.  Just showing compassion will often start the process of positive change.  And, if there’s not an issue that can be addressed or removed, and depression is at play, counseling or even self-help can do wonders before either person just walks away.

Unfortunately for me, the source of my own husband’s unhappiness wasn’t depression or an external situation; it was me and our marriage.  There was a time when I thought for sure this would lead to our divorce.  But thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and approach it from another angle, and this eventually worked. If it helps, read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who have been fed the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” line that many husbands will give when they aren’t sure if they want to be married anymore.  This is a very common topic that comes up time and time again.  Many of the wives have trouble understanding what this truly means, and they wonder if it is the true reason that the husband wants a break, a separation, or a divorce.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “My friends say that my husband’s ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ spiel is just all a cop-out or an excuse for the fact that he just doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.  They say that he’s trying to let me down easy with his words and that he’s trying to sugarcoat the fact that he doesn’t want me anymore.  They say he’s trying to spare my feelings or hide the fact that there might be someone else.  I don’t know what to believe anymore.  All I know is that we have two beautiful children and that, as late as a couple of months ago, he was telling me that he loved me on a daily basis.  And now suddenly he’s not in love with me anymore.  How does this make sense?  So are my friends right?  Are his words a cop-out or an excuse?”  I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

A Husband Isn’t Always Lying Or Seeking A Cop-out When He Says He Loves You But Isn’t ‘In Love’ With You, But He Might Be Leaving Some Things Out: I believe that this assertion has become so common that many of us automatically think that it’s a lie or oversimplification when we hear it.  But, I do dialogue with some of the men who say these words, and I have to tell you that many of them believe what they are saying.  Sure, occasionally there are other factors at play, like a loss of physical attraction, a wish to change lifestyles, or a belief that life is going to be better without the wife in it, but this isn’t always the case.

And, often, the core words do hold some level of the truth.  I often hear from men who say things like “the spark is gone between us.  I love her because she is the mother of my children, and we have been together for many years.  She knows me better than anyone, and she has always been there for me, but I no longer feel the passion for her that I used to feel.”  Many wives cringe when they hear these words.  They think that if the passion or the “love” is gone, then the marriage must be dead too.  But, this isn’t always the case either.

See, if you dig a little deeper, you’ll generally find that there are circumstances surrounding these words.   People seem to overwhelmingly think that love, passion, or some chemical feelings that just happen to appear when things are “right” and then just magically disappear when things are “wrong.”  But, rarely does either of them stop to think about the circumstances that were at play.  And it’s even less common that either of them puts 2 and 2 together to realize that just maybe if they address and then change the circumstances, then the feelings will also change right along with those circumstances.

Often, you’ll find that, somewhere along the line, the couple stopped prioritizing quality time together and, as a result, grew apart, felt a shift, and looked around to see that the chemistry or spark was gone.  As a result, one of them begins to think that they are no longer “in love” with their spouse.  And yet, they realize that the person hasn’t really changed.  They will still tell you that they love their spouse, the person.  But what they’re not ‘in love’ with is the feelings that they and their spouse are generating at the moment.  They can look at how things are now and contrast them with the way things used to be, and they see and feel a void.  Does this mean the love is gone, never to return?  Not in my opinion and experience.

What Can You Do To Change Things When Your Husband Says He’s No Longer In Love With You?: This is truly the core question that many people ask too late.  Many will ask me how falling out of love is possible.  They’ll ask me if their husband is stretching the truth or copping out when he says he’s no longer “in love.”  But rarely do they ask me what they can do to change his perception.

Look around and take inventory of your marriage.  You will often find some neglect and some stressors.  In other words, somewhere along the line, you cut back on the date nights, the spontaneous affection and laughter, and got into some habits and routines that, although comfortable and understandable, were not so great for your marriage.  Sometimes, once you’re on this comfortable but destructive path, along come some stressors to damage your marriage even further.  Now, if you were still closely bonded and deeply connected, these stressors might not have shaken your marriage to the core.  But since the bond is faltering and the intimacy is wavering, the little things become big things, and eventually one of you looks around and thinks that, because of all of these worrisome changes, the feeling of being “in love” is gone.

The good news is that even if this has already happened and even if it’s only now that you’re realizing what has truly happened, it’s not too late to change things.  Even if you can’t always pinpoint exactly where things went wrong, you can often turn your attention to the neglect and the perceptions.  You can do everything in your power to address and hopefully change the circumstances that led to the decline.  You can show your husband the woman who used to make him laugh and who used to give him her undivided attention and support during times of stress.

During particularly stressful times, people often turn on each other when, in reality, they could be each other’s greatest source of strength and support.  Now is the time to remember this and to be the one to take action rather than just watching helplessly as the love that you’ve built and worked so hard for moves further and further away.  Feelings don’t just evaporate overnight.  But the circumstances that surround them can cause them to fade and waver.  Focus on the circumstances, and the feelings will often return.

I understand how you feel, because a couple of years ago, I was hit with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” reasoning. But eventually, I learned that my husband had fallen out of love with the relationship instead of falling out of love with me. I was able to use this knowledge to change course, return my husband’s love, and save the marriage (when I was the only one interested in doing so at the time.) You can read the rest of the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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by Leslie Cane:  It’s an awful feeling to be looking back on your marriage with negative hindsight.  Sometimes, we don’t see things clearly enough until we’re faced with actually losing them for good.  I recently heard from a wife who was experiencing this firsthand.  Her husband had left her after finally becoming tired of her constantly bending the truth, not treating him in a respectful way, acting irresponsibly, and taking him for granted.

She said, in part: “I was furious with my husband when he left me.  I was mad that he would give up on our marriage without giving me any warning first.  But after I began to think clearly, I realized that he did give me plenty of warnings, but I wasn’t always paying attention.  I spent the money that he mostly earned like crazy and put us heavily into debt.  I would bend the truth about my activities so I could keep on doing exactly what he wanted.  He worked hard while I had the fun.  If he mentioned not being happy about this to me, I’d call him a stick in the mud or ask him if he was my father. I flirted with other guys and didn’t show him the respect he deserved.   He was nothing but loving, loyal, and good to me, but I didn’t fully appreciate him until now.  So now I’m at the point where I fully realize my mistakes and am committed to changing my ways.  I’ve gotten a better job and have stopped the spending, lying, and partying. But when I tell him this, he looks at me with doubt in his eyes and doesn’t make any further attempts to see me.  If he would only give me a second chance, I could and would prove to him that our marriage could be different.  Will he give me that second chance?  How can I make sure that he does?”

I’ll try to answer these questions below.

Usually, In Order For Your Husband To Give You And Your Marriage A Second Chance, Several Things Need To Happen All At Once: Over time, it became pretty obvious that this wife was sincere.  It has been months since her husband left.  And, during that time, she had gotten a job, adjusted her thinking and her behavior, and really embraced a new way of life that the husband had been encouraging and calling for all along.

The wife was frustrated that she’d made all of these changes and yet, despite her repeatedly detailing her mistakes and how she had changed them, her husband still had not been receptive enough to give her another chance or to come home.  In fact, he’d started talking about divorce, which was especially upsetting to her.

This wife didn’t understand that in order for your husband to give you a second chance or to be open to a reconciliation, several things need to happen, as follows:

1. Your husband needs to completely believe that, not only have you really and truly changed, but that you understand why you acted the way that you did and are completely remorseful for it.  He needs to believe that you now see the attributes in him that you missed before, so that you won’t continue to take him for granted.

2. Your husband needs to believe that the changes that you made are lasting and that you didn’t only “change” for his benefit.  Many husbands suspect that as soon as he agrees to give you another chance or comes back home, you’ll eventually get comfortable again and resort to your old ways, so that he’s having to deal with the same behaviors over and over again without any escape.

3.  Once your husband believes that you’ve made lasting realizations and changes, then he has to perceive that continuing in a relationship or marriage with you is going to be better for him (or make him happier) than continuing to be alone.  Sure, he might believe that it’s possible that you’ve changed.  But sometimes, he still feels that too much negativity has happened between you to really salvage the marriage.  Or, he doubts if things can ever really “be the same” again.

Identifying And Addressing Any Doubts That Your Husband Might Have About Giving You A Second Chance.  Where Is His Reluctance And His Resistance Coming From? Admittedly, I didn’t personally know either the husband or the wife in this scenario.  So, I couldn’t pinpoint which of the above 3 factors was keeping the husband from believing his wife or from giving her a second chance.  But if the wife truly observed the husband’s behaviors and listened to the clues he was likely offering her, then she should be able to figure out what truly stood in her way.

Most of the time, this is a gradual process because you have to hang in there in order to keep going long enough to overcome what is usually a husband’s considerable resistance and doubt.  In truth, this couple had been married for years, and yet the wife’s changes had only been around for a few months.  The husband likely still had his doubts that the changes were sincere or were truly going to last.  And he may have also had his doubts if the two of them could be happy again after he’d walked out on her and given up on the marriage.

The best way to address these doubts was to just continue on with what she was doing and to give the process time to work.  Because with time, the husband could likely see that she truly was sincere and absolutely meant what she said.  It helps if you can somehow let your husband know that you are incorporating these changes even when he’s not watching you.  If a mutual friend or family member comments about the changes in you without your being present, this can help.

Here’s one more point that I would like to make.  It’s entirely possible that the husband was slowly warming to the idea that his wife could change, but that he still had his doubts that the marriage could truly be a genuinely easy or happy one.  The wife admitted to me that sometimes things were tense when they were together because she was frustrated that her plan didn’t seem to be working.  This was something that needed to be avoided in the future.

It’s vitally important that your husband sees you being light-hearted, fun-loving, and very easy to be around.  The relationship and the conversations should be light and should not feel awkward or forced.  I know that this sometimes takes some doing, but if every interaction feels or reads negatively, then this will often just reinforce the husband’s belief that the marriage is too far gone to save.

When my husband left and I was trying to get him to come back home, I did everything that I could to show him that I had truly changed and that I understood my many mistakes.  At first, my attempts to get him to give me a second chance failed because I made many mistakes out of frustration and fear.  It probably wasn’t a lot of fun to be around me at that time. Thankfully, I decided to approach things from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read more about which tactics worked and which didn’t on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com.

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by: Leslie Cane: Most of the correspondence that I get is from wives who want nothing more than to save their marriages. Often, one of the first objectives in this scenario for these wives is to get the husband on board so that they aren’t trying to save their marriages alone. And sometimes, the husband will seem to agree to this and swear to his wife that he truly does want to save the marriage, but his actions run counter to this. As a result, the wife often has her doubts if he’s really being sincere in his claim that he truly wants to make things work.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “My husband and I have been having serious problems for over a year.  About three months ago, he started mentioning getting a separation or divorce.  I was adamantly against this, and I began to do everything in my power to change his mind and to save our marriage.  At first, he was very resistant to this, but eventually, I got him to agree to work with me for three months to do everything in our power to work things out.   I agreed that, if at the end of those three months things are still bad between us, then I’d concede that a divorce is probably our best option.  I agreed to this because I thought that if he would truly work with me, then a divorce wouldn’t be necessary.  The problem is that although he agreed to work with me, in reality, he’s not.  He certainly doesn’t act like a man who wants to save his marriage.  He’s continuing to go out with his friends and to avoid me.  He’s distant and cold.  He won’t participate in any discussions about what’s wrong with our marriage or how we can fix it. He says I’m trying to overanalyze everything. He resists any talk of counseling or finding some help.  If I try to get him to go out with me so that we can have a good time together, there’s always an excuse as to why he can’t.  His words say that he really wants to save our marriage, but his actions say just the opposite.  I feel like I have to save my marriage completely alone when I have a resistant husband on my hands.  What can I do?”

Why Your Husband May Be Saying That He Wants To Save Your Marriage, But Acting In A Way That Is Counter To His Words: Many wives in this situation will automatically assume that the husband isn’t being truthful about his claims that he wants to save the marriage.  In this case, the wife assumed that the husband was going to sit back during their 3-month reconciliation period and then proclaim at the end that, although he was sorry things didn’t work out, the wife had agreed to give him a divorce, and he was going to hold her to this.

And although this was a relatively logical assumption, it can be a mistake to jump to these types of conclusions.  I sometimes dialog with men in this situation on my “save my marriage” blog, and it’s clear to me that at least some of these men are acting in the way that they are because they aren’t sure which actions to take, and, because of this, they have some doubts about the possibility of success. So, they sort of sit back and watch and wait as a sort of defense mechanism.  They are reluctant to have unrealistic expectations or to get their hopes up when they haven’t seen any real or huge changes so far.

I often hear comments like: “My wife is determined to save our marriage.  She’s asking for my cooperation, and I agreed, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.  She suspects that I’m sabotaging her and that I don’t really want to save our marriage.  This isn’t true, but at the same time, I have no idea what she wants from me.  I’m not a marriage counselor, and things have been bad in our marriage for a long time now.  And I don’t want to go and sit in a shrink’s office so I can hear how bad of a husband I am or how many mistakes I’ve made.  She gets mad when I go out or when I don’t hang on her every word or constantly reassure her, but doing this would be pretending or living a lie.  I do want to save my marriage, but I have my doubts that it’s going to be possible.  Still, I guess I’m just supposed to pretend like my concerns don’t exist and put on a happy face.”

I know that reading this might be frustrating.  Many wives will respond to this with some anger.  After all, it can seem as if your husband gets to sit back with his arms crossed, waiting for you to prove to him that the marriage can be saved while he’s not lifting a finger to save it.  Yes, this is completely unfair.  But it’s often our reality and the situation in which we find ourselves.  And it’s at this point that we have to make a choice as to whether we want to give up or we want to keep fighting in the hopes of eventually proving to him that, if he’d just cooperate just a little, change and improvements really are possible.

Overcoming Your Husband’s Reservations About Saving Your Marriage: Many wives truly believe that they need their husband’s full dedication and cooperation to save their marriages.  My belief is that, although this would be nice and it might make things easier, it’s not always necessary, especially at first.  Sometimes, you just have to continue along your own path, almost with blinders on, until he sees and is convinced that improvement really is possible. And at that point, you will usually see some positive changes in his attitude.  Another obstacle that you’ll usually need to overcome is his perception that saving your marriage is going to be an uncomfortable process that constantly places him outside of his comfort zone.

Many men envision “saving a marriage” as sitting in a counselor’s office, having to reveal their deepest, darkest feelings while being scrutinized.  And this is one reason that they are so reluctant to fully participate.  So, it can really help if you can show him that the process doesn’t have to be a difficult or uncomfortable one.  Sometimes, you can accomplish this goal in unorthodox ways.  For example, in the beginning of this process, you’d often be better off just tagging along to a sporting event or tagging along on whatever it is that he likes to do in his spare time, rather than requesting that he sit down and talk about all of your problems.

Yes, this will need to happen later, but often you really need to rebuild the trust and the comfort level before you attempt anything that might reinforce his reluctance.  You will often sort of have to feel your way and move forward only as you see him begin to relax and to be more receptive.  In this wife’s case, I felt that she would be better off backing off from her accusations that he was trying to sabotage the marriage and focusing more on just improving the day-to-day interactions between them.  Once the comfort level and cooperation returned, then she could resume the talks meant to save the marriage.  It’s better to wait and have a receptive husband than it is to push forward with a resistant one.

Unfortunately, I didn’t understand these principles when my own husband was reluctant to save our marriage.  I only pushed harder when I felt resistance, and this almost cost me my marriage.  Moving forward gradually and gaining his cooperation took a lot of effort on my part, but it was so worth it. I was eventually able to return the love and intimacy and save the marriage. If it helps, you can read about that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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by leslie cane:  Much of the time, I hear from people who are trying to save their marriages before a divorce is final.  Often, they know that they have a finite amount of time to get their spouse back before the marriage officially and legally ends.  Many see the final divorce decree as the end of their marriage when there is no longer any chance to get their spouse back.

Occasionally though, I hear from folks who are still holding out hope that they can actually save their marriage or get their spouse back even after a divorce has already happened. I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “our divorce was final two months ago.  I didn’t want a divorce.  My husband said he still loved me but felt that we would be better off divorced.  We actually get along better now than we did when we were married.  Sometimes, my husband will say things like ‘maybe in the future there will be another time for us’ and this always confuses me because I don’t know any couples who saved their marriage or reconciled after a divorce, although I’d like that more than anything.  Is it possible for a marriage to be saved even after a divorce? If so, how does this happen and how can I make it happen for me?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Statistics On Couples Who Remarry Each Other After A Divorce: I spent a lot of time trying to find any statistics that would tell me how common this truly is.  Unfortunately, there’s no national agency that keeps track of this.  However, I read several articles which indicate that getting back together or saving a marriage even after a divorce is not at all uncommon for every day married couples (since we all know of celebrity couples in Hollywood who have married and remarried one another more than once.)

I found an article which interviewed divorce attorneys and court personnel. The article indicated that these professionals admitted to seeing several cases of couples getting back together after a divorce each year.  This is pretty much in line with what I see on my blog.  It doesn’t happen every day and it’s not as common as couples remaining divorced, but it most certainly does happen and it doesn’t really shock me when it does.

Why Couples Would Want To Save Their Marriage After A Divorce?: I discussed this topic with a couple of people in the course of my research and a few of them were confused as to why this would happen.  I heard comments like “if things were so bad that a divorce was necessary, then why would the couple want to get back together and save their marriage?  It doesn’t make sense.”

Well, it can make a lot of sense if you’re one of the people intimately involved. Much of the time, as in the case of the wife above, one or both people really didn’t want the divorce.  Sometimes, people go along with this because they think it’s what their spouse wants, or they don’t know what else to do, or they feel that there’s really nothing that they can do to save their marriage, although they’d like to.

Other times, people find that their feelings change once they’re no longer right in the middle of volatile emotions and the pain that a failing or ending marriage can bring about.  As time passes, anger and resentment can fade.  People realize that they were either wrong or that they overreacted.  And it’s not uncommon to see your spouse in a new light once you begin to miss them or realize just how much you’ve lost after the divorce.

What Is A Marriage Like When It Was Saved After A Divorce?  Do The Problems Just Magically Go Away? Do You Just Pick Up Where You Left Off?: It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from couples who regret the divorce.  But, many believe that their problems were insurmountable.  Others figure that a relationship that ended in divorce is doomed to fail the second time around, especially if nothing ever changes.

Many of the couples that I’ve known or read about who remarried after their divorce will tell you that they now have a new relationship and a new marriage.  Those who are successful and who remain married after they get back together will often tell you that one or both of them needed to work out some things on their own so that they could return to the relationship in a healthy way.  And many will tell you that they are more willing to get counseling or some sort of self help for any issues that remain because they saw the damage that delaying or neglecting this help caused the first time around.

The vast majority of couples who remarry will tell you that they both found that the grass was definitely not greener on the other side of the fence.  Many will be lonely or will date again, only to realize that they actually miss, long for, or have a very different opinion of their spouse once that spouse is no longer around or feels lost to them.  And this is one reason why couples will tell you that they are more motivated to try much harder and to make things work after they’ve been given a second chance.

But most of these couples will tell you that they are most definitely not just picking up where they left off.  Many want to do everything in their power to make sure that they never divorce or lose their spouse again so they are very motivated to work through those things that caused the divorce in the first place (and some agree that they realize their problems weren’t as dire as they seemed in the past.)

I’d like to make one last point.  I read a few comments from counselors which indicated that many professionals and couples agree that getting back together after a divorce is actually easier for some than starting all over with someone else who is essentially a stranger (since you already intimately know and have deep emotional ties with your former spouse.)  Although you’re forging a new and better relationship, you’re not starting from scratch since you already deeply know and have experienced life with this person.  You are therefore in a better position to avoid the pitfalls that caused the divorce while embracing those things that keep bringing you back together.

Although my husband and I were going through a divorce, it never became final.  However, when we did get back together, it did feel like a shiny, new, and better relationship.  We did have to rebuild, but once we did, neither of us regretted it.  If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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by: leslie cane:  I’ll admit that most of the correspondence that I receive comes from people who are very clear on the fact that they want to save their marriage, but they aren’t sure how to do it when their spouse is resistant or has already moved out or filed for divorce.  The vast majority of these folks have no doubt in their minds that they still love their spouse.

But I also hear from folks on the opposite end of the spectrum.   Judging from the people who reach out to me, there are a large number of people who are biding their time in their marriages for the sake of their children.   It’s not unusual for me to hear from people who insist that they no longer love their spouse and are only in the marriage because of the kids.  I find that people assume that it’s mostly women or mothers who would be willing to make such a sacrifice, but that’s just not the case.  I hear from a good deal of fathers as well.

People also assume that those who stay for the sake of their children come from broken homes themselves.  Although many from divorced homes are ultra sensitive to this situation (because they remember the pain that they went through when their own parents divorced,) I also hear from people who grew up in happy homes and who have parents who are still married.

Anyone can have marital problems regardless of their family background, but most people realize that a divorce can have a huge impact on their children, both in the short and long term.  I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I haven’t been in love with my husband for years.  I feel some affection for him because he’s the father of my children, a good person, and part of my family.  I’ve known him since I was a child, so there’s that feeling of familiarity.  But what I feel is not love.  It’s not like I’m miserable with him 24 hours a day.  But I’m also not blissfully happy in his presence the way that I was in the beginning.  I find myself being attracted to other people and thinking about a future without him one day. But I’m scared that leaving him would be very selfish and would harm my kids.  How bad is the impact of a divorce on kids?  And, if I decide to wait to leave him for their sake, at what age would it be safe or acceptable to leave him?”

I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Statistics About Children And Divorce: Most of the people who contact me with this concern are well aware that divorce negatively affects children.  That’s why they have all of those doubts that are keeping them from moving forward.  But, often, the statistics are more extensive than even the most educated parents realize.  From social to health to emotional issues, you can generally find alarming statistics on many far-reaching aspects of the child’s life.

For example, children from divorced homes are four times more likely to have issues with their peers than children from intact homes and are twice as likely to drop out of school or have lower grades.  Children from divorced parents have more psychological issues than children who have had a parent who has passed away. There are also statistics which indicate that children in single-parent homes are more likely (50 percent more) to have health issues, have substance abuse issues, or attempt suicide (50 percent more once again.)

Now, to be fair, I’m sure you could find more contributing factors within any one of the above-mentioned statistics.  Numbers don’t always tell the whole story, and there could always be additional risk factors.  One could argue that any number of factors could go into a child’s grades or psychological issues.  But the statistics that I found particularly alarming were these two. A study of children from divorced parents took a look at the children’s behavior six years after the divorce and found that even this many years after the breakup, many of the children were still described as lonely, anxious, or depressed.  And, one out of 10 children with divorced parents goes on to see their parents go through at least three marital breakups.  This means that some of those kids will go on to see one or both of their parents divorce their subsequent new spouses.  People often think that divorce will solve their unhappiness or the issues that they have in relationships, but this isn’t always the case.

Also, many people assume that if they stay while the children are kids and then divorce when they are adults, the children will not be affected by the divorce.  There is research that indicates that this assumption may not be true. Studies show that men and women who were in their 20s when their parents divorced are more likely to have their own serious relationship or marriage break up before the age of 33.  These adult children often report struggling and questioning their childhood memories.

Studies About Children With Happy Parents: I wanted to balance out the alarming statistics above with additional information.  Because many people considering a divorce make the very compelling argument that they suspect that their kids would be better off with happy divorced parents than miserable married parents, I did find some literature from Carolyn Pape Cowan and Philip Cowan, husband-and-wife psychologists at the University of California.  They have conducted studies that included both children from divorced and intact families and have concluded that happy, well-adjusted parents are more likely to raise happy, well-adjusted children.  They stress the importance of the parents taking care of both themselves and the relationships that they model for their kids.  And, they caution parents against making their kids the focus of their entire lives at the expense of their marriage or other relationships.   Their literature indicates it’s not healthy for parents to put themselves last. They caution parents not to place so much focus on their children that they lose their connection as a couple, saying that doing so can create a household full of tension.

Putting It All Together: Of course, I can’t decide for you if you should divorce your spouse or stay for the kids.  That’s a decision that only you can make.  And many people that I dialog with fully realize this.  Many are also fully aware of all the statistics which seem to indicate that staying together is preferable, at least as far as the children are concerned. Most experts will tell you that, if you must divorce, getting counseling so that you can ensure your children grow up in a happy household and can adjust despite the divorce, would be a good idea.

It’s probably not a stretch to say that the ideal for the wife in the above example would be to remain married while figuring out a way to improve her marriage so that both she and her husband could be truly happy in it.  This would arguably be a better scenario for her kids than her only staying out of obligation but remaining unhappy.  People often tell me that they just don’t believe that they can ever be happy with their spouse again, but I firmly believe that it’s absolutely possible.   There’s a very convincing study that tracked unhappy couples over the course of five years.  Those who divorced were no happier than those who remained married.   And, a whopping 2/3 of the unhappy couples reported being happily married five years later. This seems to indicate that if you can stick it out or get some help, it’s possible that you can again be happy in the future. And my own experience backs this up.

Of course, as I’ve said, statistics don’t tell the whole story.  Many families beat the odds and raise healthy, well-adjusted children, regardless of their circumstances.  But I think most would agree that growing up in an intact and happy family truly is the ideal. My husband and I didn’t have kids when he wanted a divorce, but coming from a broken home myself, I was determined not to give up or give in. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I lucked into trying one last thing, and this eventually worked. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: Having your husband tell you that he wants a divorce or separation is bad enough, but having him tell you that he wants to stay in your home with you throughout the process can add a lot of confusion to the mix. I recently heard from a wife whose husband had just told her that he felt like he wanted out of their marriage.  He indicated that he wasn’t sure if he wanted a separation or a divorce. But, he also said that he didn’t intend to move out of the house until the divorce was final.

The wife said in part: “he sat me down and told me that, although he wasn’t completely sure about his course of action, he was probably going to pursue a separation or divorce.  He stressed that he wasn’t 100% sure about his feelings, but he knew that they were indicating that he was no longer sure about the marriage.  However, because he’s still not completely sure how this is all going to be resolved, he wants to continue to live at our house with me while he is sorting this out.  My friends don’t think this is fair.  They say that if he’s going to divorce me or separate from me, then he should be prepared to go find somewhere else to live.  Deep down, I’m not sure that I mind him living here because I don’t want a divorce or a separation.  So having him under the same roof might make getting him back easier.  But my friends say I’m just making it easier for him to take advantage of me, and if I have any chance of getting him back, that I should play harder to get, and this includes not allowing him to stay with me.  So, who is right?  Should I let my husband stay with and live with me even if we’re potentially getting separated or divorced as a strategy to try to get him to change his mind?  Or do I demand that he leave and hope for the best?”

There were many questions and requests for clarification here.  And I think the answers really do depend upon the wife’s objectives, which she had made pretty clear.  I will tell you my take on this in the following article.

Allowing Your Husband To Stay With You At The Beginning Of A Separation Or Divorce Can Gain You Both And Time And Access If You’re Trying To Save Your Marriage: I understood where this woman’s friends were coming from.  My friends had similar concerns when I was trying to save my own marriage.  The concern is that you will be taken advantage of.  Sometimes, you can use this situation to your own advantage.

After all, his still living at home allows you more access to him.  And, in the days and weeks ahead, as you implement any strategy to get him back or to make him change his mind, having him there is going to make this process a lot easier.  Because if he’s living under a different roof, then in addition to saying and doing the right things, you’re going to have to also coordinate running into him, finding the appropriate time to call or come by without coming on too strong, and trying to make this all seem natural.  But, if he’s still living with you, then these types of obstacles don’t exist – although plenty of others do.  So, allowing him to live at home can remove at least one obstacle.

Of course, if you don’t want to save your marriage and are prepared to just move on, then having him live with you can delay your progress and slow the inevitable.  If you really don’t care if he eventually divorces you, then there’s obviously less incentive to be generous about sharing your home with him, but this is a call that only you can and should make.

Tips For Setting Boundaries And Using The Living Situation To Your Advantage: The wife in this situation knew that her friends meant well.  They just wanted to make sure that the wife wasn’t being taken advantage of.  And this is a very valid concern.  You want to make sure that you’re not allowing your husband unlimited and easy access to married life if his true intention is to end that same married life as soon as it is more convenient to him.

But that didn’t appear to be the case here.  The husband was honest about not being sure what he was going to or wanted to do.  So there was a little uncertainty that could be used to the wife’s advantage.  And the friends were actually right about using the distance to inspire the husband to miss the wife and want her back.  This strategy can and does work, but it is actually somewhat easier if you already have a captive audience that is under your roof.

Frankly, time and distance apart actually save marriages sometimes.  So if you play your cards right, you can have the best of both worlds in this situation.  That’s why it can be advisable to back off and give your husband some “space” throughout this process.  Don’t cling or hover.   Don’t constantly ask him what he is feeling or thinking or where he is in the process.  Your real goal is to show him the woman he fell in love with while being very careful not to make this obvious.  You want to make it clear that you don’t want a divorce or separation, but you’re still getting on with the business of your life.  Remain positive and receptive to him, but don’t make things so easy for him that he knows that he’s the one pulling all of the strings.

Go out with your friends while giving him that space we’ve talked about.  Come home with a smile on your face and a positive attitude on display.  This doesn’t mean that you should allude or insinuate that you’re having more fun without him, but it’s just human nature to be drawn to people who give off confident, positive vibes with a little mystery thrown in.  What you don’t want to do is make it clear that you’ll stay home and wait while he has his space and makes his decision.  No, instead, you want to live your life and put on a positive display while he makes his decision.

Because doing so makes it much more likely that his decision is going to be the one that you’ve been hoping for.  My husband and I tentatively lived under the same roof initially when we were separated, but unfortunately, he eventually moved out, and this made things so much more difficult.  Once he moved out, my deteriorating behavior only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake eventually saved my marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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by: Leslie Cane: I hear from so many people who tell me that they live in a loveless marriage where they are just sort of coexisting in the same house.  Much of the time, they tell me that divorce is not an option for them either because of their children or because of financial or moral issues.  And although many of them have accepted the situation, they are looking for ways to improve it because they can’t deny that they aren’t happy and that they are struggling to make this work day after day.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “My husband and I agreed to stay together for our kids, and I’m 100% committed to that.  We both come from broken families, and we refuse to do that to our children.  So, divorce isn’t an option, and I’m fine with that.  However, at this point, we’re only just coexisting, and even that is a struggle.  Lately, we just haven’t been getting along.  He has started to come and go as he pleases, and the little things he does really annoy me.  I think the reality of our situation has started to become real to both of us, and now we’re lashing out at one another.  Seeing us fight and argue in this way isn’t good for our children either, which is why this whole thing is ironic.  We’re staying together for the kids, but now they’re seeing our inability to get along, which certainly doesn’t set a good example for them.  My goal is a relatively happy family that supports and nurtures my children and gives them a good and healthy foundation, but this isn’t what’s happening. How can we coexist when we annoy each other so much, and all of the love is gone?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

When You’re Telling Yourself That You’re Only Going To Coexist, You’ve Set It Up Where There Isn’t That Much To Look Forward To And The Behavior In The House Will Reflect This: This couple’s situation is extremely common.  And I applaud them for trying so hard to provide a healthy family life for their children.  The statistics on children from divorced families are plentiful and aren’t all that encouraging.  I think that most people agree that children living with both married parents is the ideal if it’s at all possible.  However, another part of the ideal is children living in a happy and stable home that provides positive examples of couples interacting in a loving and upbeat way.  No one wants their children to see constant fighting or an inability to get along, so that the child will grow up thinking that this is acceptable or that this is the way that married couples behave and relate to one another.

So it’s obvious that the ideal would be for the couple to find a way to not only get along and coexist, but to create a situation where both are happy and fulfilled enough that they’re able to create the situation that they envisioned all along.  But, this is going to be difficult when they’re repeatedly made clear to themselves and to each other that the real goal is to just coexist and muddle through for the sakes of their children. Frankly, most people would agree that this doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun.  If you know that this negative situation is going to be your reality day after day, month after month, and year after year, how enthusiastic can you really be?  And what kind of attitude and sense of cooperation can you possibly bring to the table when you know that this might be your grim reality?

To me, the real key is to reach higher and entertain the thought that your life doesn’t necessarily have to be this way.   People will often just assume that the love is gone from their marriage and will never come back.  But if you’re committed to staying anyway, why wouldn’t you at least try to do more than just coexist?  I know that this is easier said than done when you’re not getting along.  But to me, it makes more sense to make the goal to do more than coexisting.  Everyone needs something to look forward to.  And knowing that, day after day, the best you can hope for is just to get along without much emotion can’t be all that appealing.

Moving From Coexisting To Actually Enjoying Your Lives Together: Hopefully, you can gradually change your outlook so that you’re no longer thinking that coexisting is the best that you can hope for. If you can’t yet envision this, then perhaps you can make a very conscious effort to put more joy into your life outside of your household.  Maybe this means going out with friends sometimes, taking a class, or pursuing a hobby.  This isn’t meant to be a replacement for your home life. It’s meant to give you some reprieve and a more positive outlook so that this will carry over into your home life and eventually improve it.

Another tip is pausing or redirecting when you notice you and your spouse are not getting along or heading toward volatile territory.  Rather than just giving over to it and allowing things to get worse while thinking, “Well, here we go again because nothing is ever going to change,”  take a break.  Go for a walk.  Calmly tell your spouse that you’re going to address this later when you are both calm and receptive.  I know that this seems like a simple thing, but if you learn to redirect regularly, you really can change the culture of your marriage because the “not getting along” will become less and less frequent until it changes.

Once you’re seeing things more positively, it can help to try to include your spouse in those things that are bringing you more newfound happiness or, if that’s not possible, then find something that the two of you can enjoy together.  You don’t have to make what you suspect are unattainable goals, but as it becomes more comfortable for you, begin to include your spouse not just in your bad days but also your good ones.  This change won’t go unnoticed by your family, and this could be the thing that takes your relationship to a better place that goes beyond coexisting.

It’s Not Impossible To Bring Back The Loving Relationship Even If You’re Only Coexisting Right Now: I know that this might sound crazy to you right now, but it truly is possible to completely turn your marriage around even if today you’re only looking to get along better for the sake of your children.  Think about this.  The commitment that you’ve made to your family shows without any doubt where your priorities are.  But what if you could do even better?  What if you could give them parents who truly love each other instead of parents who are only going through the motions or putting on a show for their benefit?  I know from personal experience that it is possible.  It’s not always easy (or even intuitive,) but with gradual and deliberate changes, it is possible.

It was my husband, not me, who felt that we were only coexisting, so he threatened to end our marriage.  My commitment ran deeper than that, but, for a long tim,e I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love but also to change the dynamics of our marriage. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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by: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from wives who are scrambling to come up with the best course of action after their husband tells them that he wants a divorce.   Many of them are looking for a way to make their husbands either regret the decision to divorce or to see that it is the wrong decision in the first place.  And one logical emotion to try to elicit to accomplish this is guilt.  After all, a husband who wants a divorce is seriously disrupting his family and asking everyone to change their lives as they know them.

I recently heard from a wife who felt that her husband deserved a large dose of guilt.  She said, in part: “My husband is being so selfish right now.  He says he’s not happy and that remaining married isn’t what he wants.  He feels that he deserves to be happy and fulfilled, so this means that my children will grow up without their father, and we will struggle to make ends meet.  I don’t think that I can possibly maintain our house by myself.  So not only will my kids have to go through a divorce, but they might also have to move.  And this is all because this selfish man thinks that the grass is going to be greener on the other side of the fence.  My friend said that I should pull out all our bills along with my pay stubs and show him what this divorce is going to do to us.  Or maybe I should have my kids beg him not to do this.  Are these good ideas?  Would they work?”  I will try to address these questions in the following article.

Before I begin exploring the idea of making a husband feel guilty, I have to stress that in this situation, the wife was hoping that the guilt would make the husband call off the divorce so that he would stay married.  Her real goal was to save her marriage.  She just suspected that guilt feelings were going to be one way to achieve this.

I Don’t Think That Guilt Is The Emotion That Is Most Likely To Get Your Husband To Change His Mind About The Divorce: I learned the hard way that negative emotions will usually only drive your husband further away from you.  The thing is, your husband likely already feels bad or has mixed feelings.  So, following this path is not likely to introduce a new or insurmountable dilemma for him.  By the time a husband opens up and asks for a divorce, he has likely already thought deeply about what sort of changes this will bring about.  You likely aren’t telling him something that he doesn’t already know, and, at least for right now, his desire for a divorce is greater than his worry about the changes that the same divorce will bring about.

In my opinion, the better strategy is to change the circumstances that contribute to his wanting a divorce rather than trying to make him feel guilty for his reaction to them.

Moving From Focusing On Negative Emotions That Elicit Shame Or Guilt To Positive Ones That Will Encourage A Sense Of Cooperation: The wife in this situation did seem to understand my point.  But she felt that she didn’t have any other cards to play.  She felt that her husband was convinced that he couldn’t be happy within the marriage.  So she wondered what else she was supposed to do to keep her family together.   Sometimes, focusing on the positive when you feel such fear is the most difficult thing to do, but it can be the most effective.

Because if your husband feels that you want two separate things and that you fault him for wanting to be happy, then common sense tells you that he’s going to want to avoid you at all costs.  No one welcomes a situation that makes them feel shame, guilt, or other negative emotions.  And usually, they will either become angry with or distance themselves from the person who inspires these feelings (and that person is you.)

I’ve watched this situation play out countless times.  And most of the time, you gain more ground and have more success if you can bring about a sense of cooperation along with positive feelings.  Because when you do this, he may start to doubt that a divorce is the right decision.  When you are laying on the guilt, then you’re not really doing anything to make him change his logic or to show him that his conclusions are faulty.  You are trying to make him feel so bad about his conclusions (even if they are correct) that he’ll reverse course even if it’s not what he really wants to do.

A Man Who Stays In A Marriage Out Of Guilt Often Doesn’t Really Want To Be There And Isn’t Fully Invested Or Committed: Another thing to remember is that trying to get your husband to call off the divorce out of guilt is such a short-term strategy.  Even though this strategy has a low success rate, some wives do get a short-term reprieve with this, but the gain is so rarely lasting.  Because even if the husband does stay or come back, it’s usually quite obvious that he’s only there out of a sense of obligation, and his unhappiness grows.  Sometimes, it’s only a matter of time until he starts talking about divorcing again.  And the next time he files or wants to move out, you won’t be able to use the same strategy, and you will have a much harder time getting his attention once again.

That’s why it’s so much better to make him believe that his happiness is your goal, also.  Once this becomes believable, the next step would be to show him over time that he can be happy and fulfilled if he remains married to you.   I’m not going to pretend that this process is going to be quick or easy because it’s often neither (although it’s not impossible either.)  But it is usually much more effective than playing the guilt or pity card.  A marriage that’s still intact only because of guilt isn’t much of a marriage at all.  It may seem like an attractive last-ditch effort.  But there’s usually a better way.  And if you must use it, make sure that you balance it with a sense of cooperation and plenty of positive reinforcement afterward.

When my husband initiated a divorce, I did not understand these principles, and I went about saving the marriage in the completely wrong way. I stooped to negative behavior that only drove my husband further away. Thankfully, I soon realized my mistake and decided to approach things from another angle, and this eventually worked. You can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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