Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I hear from wives who indicate that they are doing all of the heavy lifting to keep their marriage afloat or to save it. Many times, a husband will swear that he doesn’t want a divorce and that he’s willing to do whatever is necessary to save or preserve the marriage. But then, when it comes right down to it, he doesn’t really change his behaviors or make all that much of an effort.

A wife might say in part: “We started having serious marital problems last year. For a while, it looked as if we might separate or get a divorce. We were both unhappy, and I told my husband that I didn’t want to continue to live in an unhappy and tension-filled situation. He agreed with me and told me he would help me work on the marriage. I expressly told him I needed more of his attention and time. I wasn’t feeling appreciated, heard, or understood. He told me that he would work hard to fix our issues, and I committed to the same. But now, several months later, nothing really has changed. We’re still sort of like roommates who go out our way not to argue too much for the sake of our kids, but there isn’t a lot of love or passion there. He hasn’t put in the effort that he promised me. I still don’t want to live this way. And since he’s apparently not willing to lift a finger, it looks like nothing will be different in our future. What can I do?”

This scenario is so common. Often, to keep the peace, your husband will promise you that he’ll do whatever you need him to do to preserve or save the marriage. But his behavior and efforts fall far short of what you were hoping to see. Contrary to what many wives think, this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or that he’s not interested in your marriage. It often means that although he might be sincere in what he’s telling you, he just doesn’t know how to carry out his promises, or he’s well outside of his comfort zone or expertise. But neither of these things needs to mean that you have to give up on your marriage. You can often coax him to make more of an effort without him even realizing what you are doing.

How To Make Your Husband Put In The Effort To Save Or Improve Your Marriage (Without Him Even Realizing It:) One thing that you need to understand is that when your husband is picturing “working” on your marriage or “putting in the effort” toward your marriage, he is probably not picturing things that are all that appealing to him. He probably thinks that you want him to get all emotional and share his deepest, darkest feelings. And the idea of this probably ranks right up there with a root canal to him.

So, understand that getting him to put in the effort is often all in how you package or sell this idea to him. Sometimes, this means that you start by being the one to take the initiative. I know that this isn’t entirely fair, but sometimes going first is worth getting what you truly want. Other times, you might need to ease him into the process. Delay the heavy discussions and the more concentrated conflict, for you are bonding and connecting once again. In the early stages of saving your marriage, you might consider taking the difficult conversations off the table for a while. Meet him in the middle. What I mean by that is that sometimes, you will gain more ground if you go with him to his favorite sporting event and share a couple of hot dogs than you will be sitting for hours in a therapist’s office, at least in the beginning when he is still resistant.

Slowly work up to the point where he’s more comfortable and less resistant. You have to crawl before you can walk. Don’t ask for too much too soon. And make the process one that he’s comfortable getting behind. For example, if he knows that you want to reconnect and improve your marriage because you miss being physically intimate with him on a very regular basis, then you are much more likely to get this enthusiastic cooperation because he sees that this saving the marriage stuff means he’s going to get more of what HE wants.

Saving a marriage is a process, and both people don’t always see it in the same way. But what you should not do is set it up so that you are on opposing sides with your husband. You want him to feel as if you are on his side. You want to set it up so that you can praise him rather than remind him of his shortcomings. Because once he understands that saving your marriage doesn’t need to be painful and will get him more of what he wants, he is so much more likely to show you the behaviors that you have been waiting for all along. Don’t make him feel like a failure or the man who has left you down. Make him feel like he’s your hero who is rising to the occasion. (even if you have to lower and then slowly raise your standards as he continues to make progress.)

The whole idea is to move slowly and to set it up so that neither of you is having to make huge sacrifices, but both of you are enjoying yourselves and feeling like you are seeing some progress. Now, progress to you might mean feeling emotionally connected, while progress to him means a physical connection along with fewer discussions about how he has let you down. Whatever it is that is important to your husband should be important to you and vice versa. Praise him for every effort that you see, so that he will want to please you and keep right on with the process until your marriage is back to where you want it to be.

I had to learn these tips the hard way when I was trying to save my own marriage. When I was trying to get my husband to put in the effort, I wasn’t using any positive reinforcement, and this only got me less of what I wanted. It wasn’t until I showed him what was in it for him that I got him on board. If it helps, you can read the story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I speak with wives who know that their husband wants a divorce because he has either told them of his intentions directly or filed divorce papers. Sometimes, though, the panic that they feel about this (especially when they don’t want a divorce) gets a reprieve because the husband one day just stops talking about the divorce. Perhaps things begin to go a little better between the couple. Maybe your husband even begins acting slightly affectionate. This can leave you very confused. But often, you don’t want to say anything or ask your husband what the status of the divorce is because you’re afraid that he’s going to tell you that nothing has changed and that the divorce is still on as scheduled.

A wife might say, in part: “Last month, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He said that after the kids got out of school for the summer, he was going to break the news to them and proceed to file. However, since that time, we’ve been getting along better lately, and he hasn’t said anything since then. He actually grabbed my hand briefly at my son’s awards ceremony last week. But that only lasted for a second. We still haven’t been having sex or anything like that, but he hasn’t filed as far as I know, and he hasn’t mentioned the divorce anymore. Does this mean I’m in the clear? Does this mean he’s changed his mind about the divorce?”

These weren’t questions that anyone could answer except for this wife’s husband. However, I understand why this wife was reluctant to ask her husband directly where things stood. She didn’t want to remind him, and if he was going ahead full speed with the divorce, she didn’t necessarily want to know.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Has Stepped, Mentioning The Divorce and You Don’t Know The Status: You can handle this in one of two ways. You can sit him down and just tell him that you notice that things are better and hope that this means that the divorce is off, or at least delayed. There’s a risk with this method, though. Or you can say nothing and continue to build on the improvements that you are seeing. Whichever method you choose, it’s so vital that if things continue to go well, you don’t just drop everything and go on in our marriage as if nothing ever happened.

It’s absolutely normal to be so relieved that you never want to revisit this again, but if you just ignore why your husband wanted a divorce in the first place, you leave yourself very vulnerable to this happening again in the near future. And when it does, you may not be so lucky to see the improvements that you are seeing right now.

Don’t Just Let This Blow Over If You Get A Reprieve. Improve Your Marriage So You No Longer Have To Worry About This: Saving or improving your marriage doesn’t need to be a miserable or undesirable process. When done correctly, it can actually be a lot of fun because you get to rediscover what you love about your spouse. It’s sort of like falling in love all over again when it’s done right. Sometimes, (depending on how unreceptive your husband is to talking about or going through this process,) you may want to start (at least at first) on your own without needing to make a huge announcement to the effect of “honey, we’re going to save our marriage now.” Or “honey, I’m going on a one-woman campaign to prevent our divorce.” This can sometimes be a turn-off to a husband because he usually sees the process as one that’s going to make him reveal the depths of his soul or talk endlessly about his feelings, which men tend to want to avoid.

It truly doesn’t need to be this way. That’s why I often tell wives to start with only themselves. Begin by just being the type of partner that you want. Listen more. Reach out and touch when it’s appropriate. Let your husband know that you hear, understand, and appreciate him. Let him see that you are still a lot of fun to be around. You still make him laugh. You are still easy to talk to. Don’t make the process so heavy that he wants to avoid it at all costs. The last thing that you want to do is make him think that getting a divorce is preferable to going through the uncomfortable process of saving your marriage.

He doesn’t even have to know that you’re attempting to save your marriage if you think that he’s going to resist you. Sometimes, the most effective thing that you can do is to begin to make changes on your own. Then, when he responds positively to your changes, you’ll often begin to notice that he is behaving better as well. When this happens, you should praise him and make him want to continue on. No one has talked about the seemingly unpleasant process of improving or saving your marriage, but it’s happened just the same, and you no longer have to worry about asking him if he still wants a divorce or continuing to tiptoe around the topic because you are too afraid to bring it up.

Of course, it’s everyone’s hope that the husband’s not mentioning the divorce means that he’s completely dropped it and that it’s never going to come up again. But why not take this opportunity to make sure that it doesn’t? Having to constantly worry about your marriage and how your husband is feeling is so draining. It’s so much nicer to have the confidence that your marriage is solid again.

I went through this when my husband and I were actually separated. I saw that things were drastically improving, but I was so afraid to ask him about the divorce. I just continued to work on our marriage by myself, and I let him bring it up. And when he did, it was to tell me that it was off. If it helps, you’re welcome to read about how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who feel as if their marriage is in trouble suspect that they aren’t giving their husband what he needs to feel completely happy in the marriage. Sometimes, these unsatisfied husbands will tell their wives exactly why they are so unhappy with complaints like: “I just don’t feel like we’re compatible,” or “you are too insecure.”

Other times, the husband won’t give you any such specific complaints. If you’re lucky, you might get a vague “I’m just not happy,” or an “I just don’t think that we should be married anymore.”

A wife might say: “I’m clearly not giving my husband what he needs to be happy in the marriage. At first, he was just dropping hints that married life wasn’t what he thought it was going to be, and then eventually he started suggesting that maybe we should take a break from one another. And then last week, he mentioned moving in with some friends for a while. I ask him what I’m doing wrong and what I might do to make him happy, but then he just gives me silly responses like ‘it’s not you, it’ me.’ This is so frustrating. What concrete things can we do to make sure that he is getting what he needs so that he either wants to stay married to me or he wants to save, change, or improve the marriage that we have now?”

The answer to these questions would be different depending on the husband to whom the questions are being asked. What each husband considers the ideal marriage is going to vary depending upon his personality, his views on marriage, and the examples that his own parents probably set for him.

So while I cannot tell you what your own husband might need to be happy, to stay married, or to save your marriage, I can tell you something about the thought process of some husbands.

Many Husbands Do Not Expect For You To Be The Perfect Wife, But They Expect You To Be As Good A Wife As Possible For Them In Particular: Wives will sometimes tell me that their husband has very unrealistic or outlandish expectations. They fear that he’s not going to be happy unless she’s willing to have sex every night, always has a wonderful sense of humor, is the world’s best cook, and constantly heaps attention and praise onto her husband without asking for much in return.

I don’t hear a lot of men asking for this type of wife. Honestly, although what men want in a wife varies, I do hear the same themes over and over. Like us, men want to feel as if they are enthusiastic about being married to them. They don’t expect us to want to have sex every night, for the most part. But they’d like for us to desire them enough to make the time when it’s realistic.

A man will also want to feel understood. In other words, he wants you to know him enough to realize what is most important to him and respond accordingly. For example, some husbands couldn’t care less if you keep the house spotless, but they’d like for someone to share what is really important to them, like their love of sports, or fly fishing, or comedies, or whatever the case may be. They want you to understand what makes them tick and to share in or appreciate it, every once in a while.

There is nothing worse than feeling lonely in your marriage because you don’t feel as if you’re spouse gets you enough to reach out. And after a while, resentment can build up because of this. He feels as if he shouldn’t have to ask you for what he really wants and you feel as though you can not possibly read his mind.

You Don’t Have To Solve All Of Your Husband’s Problems But He Should Feel As If You Support Him None The Less: Many wives who are in a marriage where their husband is saying that he’s just not happy feel as if he expects them to solve all of his problems. Many wives tell me that they suspect that the marriage is not truly the source of the husband’s unhappiness. Often, they theorize that it’s stress from his job, or money issues, or a health and family situation. In other words, he is just unhappy in general, but he thinks that he’s unhappy with or doesn’t get what he needs from the marriage.

This is often not so far from the truth. And this frustrates a lot of wives who often ask me things like “what does he expect me to do, solve all of his problems?” I know that it can feel that way. But often, he doesn’t expect you to solve all of his problems (although he would like to know that he can count on you to listen and be his springboard).

Almost without fail, if you can both figure out a way to make your husband happier in his life, he will often then be happier with the marriage. Often, it’s not that your marriage is not giving him what he needs; it’s that his life is not giving him what he needs. So if you can find ways to lighten his load, it’s going to benefit you greatly, also. Encourage him to engage in the hobbies, places or people who make him happy (within reason of course.)

Often when I explain this to wives, they are skeptical because they feel like this is either pushing their husband away or giving him so much space that he’s going to drift away. But often, you can pursue and enjoy these things with him.

In truth, no one person can provide everything that someone else needs. He has to provide a lot of his own well-being and peace of mind. But it certainly helps when he knows that his wife supports him in the process. And if you can help him be happier with himself and your relationship, he is much more likely to be more open to staying married or saving your marriage.

None of this is impossible. Try to be the spouse that you yourself would want. You don’t want him catering to your every whim, but you want to know that he always has your back and that your well-being is hugely important to him. The same is true for him. And quite honestly, you know your husband better than anyone else. Use this knowledge of him to decipher what he really wants and needs right now and do your best to provide it – even if sometimes that means you help him to provide it for himself.

I know how this feels. My husband and I separated because he felt that our marriage wasn’t giving him what he needed. It took a lot of trial and error for me to figure out what would make him change his mind. If it helps, you can read about the process of saving my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands are telling them that he isn’t ready to come home or commit to the marriage because he fears that he’s done something that has hurt her or his marriage too much.

I might hear: “My husband left home about six weeks ago. He admitted to having an affair with one of my close friends. If this isn’t bad enough, our children are very good friends with the other woman’s children, so this makes things awkward between our kids, who don’t understand why things have changed. My husband has been trying to break things off with the other woman, but she is resisting. She’s been forwarding me emails that my husband sent to her, trying to show me how much he has betrayed me. This hurts me more than I can say, but my marriage is more important to me than this woman. I want him to come home so that we can fix our marriage, but when I tell him this, he says that he can’t because he’s hurt me too much and therefore he can’t look me in the face or live with himself. Isn’t this up to me? I mean, if I want him to come back and want to move forward, then shouldn’t he respect my wishes even if he’s ashamed of what he did?”

These are all very good questions, and this is a very common problem. Very often, an unfaithful or at-fault spouse will feel so guilty that he doesn’t feel as if he has the right to come home or to ask for anything when it comes to their marriage. This can be true even when the other spouse is encouraging him to go ahead and come home regardless. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to best handle this situation.

Understand That He Might Be Telling You That He Hurt You Too Much To Come Home For Varying Reasons: There are many reasons that your husband might be telling you that he’s reluctant to come home or try to save your marriage because he has “hurt you too much.” He may be trying to feel you out to see if you will reassure him that the damage isn’t severe enough to ruin your marriage. In short, he might be looking for your reassurance or to see if he can get you to pursue him.

It’s up to you to decide how you want to proceed. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that, although he DID hurt you very much, you’re still committed to your marriage despite this. People and marriages recover from grave and painful circumstances all the time. This doesn’t have to be a valid reason to just throw your marriage away.

Other times, your husband legitimately feels so guilty for what he has done that he feels completely undeserving of you and he feels pain when he looks at or interacts with you because he is reminded of what he has done. This isn’t something that can’t be overcome, either. Over time, he should see that you are receptive to forgiving him, provided that his actions prove that it is worthy of your forgiveness.

There are a few men who use the “I’ve hurt you too much” strategy as an excuse to end their marriage or at least to be on their own for a while. I find that these men are the minority, but this does sometimes happen. You can usually tell the difference through their actions and the way that they look at and treat you when you are having this conversation.

How To React When Your Husband Is Telling You That He’s Reluctant To Come Home Because Of How Much He Has Hurt You: I know that it’s tempting to downplay your pain just to get him to come home. But this strategy probably isn’t the best bet in the long run. You have to work through whatever went wrong in your marriage for him to stray or act out in the first place.

I realize that it’s probably very tempting to tell him to just forget the past so that you can start over with a clean slate, but I can tell you that this so rarely works, at least in my opinion. You have to acknowledge what is wrong to fix it and to move past it.

With that said, you can do this with your husband at home. The healing is much easier if you have regular and intimate access to him. So how can you make him believe this? I will use the above wife’s scenario as an example, but feel free to insert your own details.

You might say something like: “I know that you think you’ve hurt me so much that the damage to our marriage is beyond repair. But since I am the wounded party, don’t I get to be the one who decides when I am so hurt that I want to walk away from the marriage? As you’re saying, the central issue is how much you’ve hurt me. I’m saying that I am willing to try to move past that hurt because our marriage is more important to me right now than dwelling on the past. To be quite honest, it would be more painful for me to let go of our marriage or to have you continue not coming home than for us to face the issue to try to work past this. Unless there’s any other issue that you’re not telling me about, I don’t see why we can’t try to move past this together.”

He may have some reservations about whether you can actually forgive him or believe in him again after the way he has hurt you. But frankly, the only way to move past that and to show him that you are sincere is to give it time and improve your relationship so that he sees it and believes it for himself.

There was a lot of hurt in my own marriage when my husband and I separated. But I always knew that my marriage was more important to me than anything else. It took a lot of hard work and strategy on my part, but I eventually got my husband back and saved my marriage. If it helps, you can read about how I was able to salvage my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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I sometimes hear from people who are trying to save their marriages, but who aren’t sure if things are going as well as they had hoped. Many people tell me that things feel very awkward or “forced,” and they are worried that this means that they are just not going to make it.

A wife might say, in part, “I do believe that we are both committed to saving our marriage, and we are both on our best behavior. In one sense, this is good because we’re not fighting nearly as much. But, on the other hand, everything just feels so forced. It’s like we’re being so nice to each other that it’s fake. And I worry that there is no real feeling behind it. I almost wish he was yelling at me because at least then I would know that he was expressing honest feelings. Does the fact that things feel forced mean that our marriage can’t be saved?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

It’s Normal And Expected For Things To Feel Forced In The Beginning Stages Of Trying To Save Your Marriage: When you are trying to save your marriage, there’s a sense of the unknown. You often know what you want to happen, but you aren’t sure if this is going to end up being your reality. So it’s understandable to be tentative. And because you aren’t sure what to expect, you’re afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing.  Therefore, you might fall back on what you think is right or acceptable. This is also true of your spouse.

Also, most people have a lot invested in saving their marriages. You desperately want it to work. So you may feel as though you are walking on eggshells because you’re afraid of making the wrong step. All of these things can lead to those forced behaviors that we’re talking about. But they don’t mean that your marriage is doomed. It just means that you are feeling your way. Things will often begin to feel less forced as you start to make some progress, which I’ll discuss right now.

Ways To Make Your Relationship Feel Less Forced When You’re Trying To Save Your Marriage: The thing that you don’t want to do is to swing the other way, meaning you’re trying to literally force yourself to feel or act spontaneously when you feel anything but.  As a result, you end up overcompensating. However, if you can put yourself and your spouse in spontaneous, light-hearted situations, then genuine feelings will often follow.

Things feel forced sometimes when you are always focusing on heavy and painful topics – like what is wrong with your marriage or what happens moving forward. You don’t need to have all of the answers all of the time. Sometimes, it really helps to put all of the unpleasantries and the unknowns onto the shelf once in a while. It makes sense to focus on reconnecting in fun and pleasurable ways so that when you do go back to those necessary unpleasantries, things fall more easily into place.

So don’t hold on so tightly that you don’t give yourself enough room to breathe or relax. Sometimes, you have to give yourself permission to not worry so much about what will happen tomorrow. You are still married, even if there are problems. You still love this person, even if you are struggling. So there is nothing wrong with enjoying the things that are right. Step outside of your comfort zone from time to time and have some fun with your spouse. You don’t need to constantly dwell on your problems; instead, you can focus on rediscovering one another in a pleasurable and spontaneous way.

It helps to try to touch your spouse and play in light-hearted ways. Hold hands. Wrestle. Don’t feel the need to go further than that if it doesn’t feel right to you. Laugh. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself that these things don’t come naturally.

Sometimes, there is a danger in trying too hard.  Relax and allow things to happen naturally.  When your marriage is in trouble, it is hard to trust the process.  But sometimes, this is exactly what you should do.

I know that my behavior was forced when I was trying to save my own marriage, and this made things a lot worse because my husband tended to avoid me. It wasn’t until I changed my entire way of seeing my marriage that things began to turn around. If it helps, you can read more about the process of saving my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I  hear from wives who are trying everything in their power to get their husbands to come back home. And some of the husbands will give the wives every reason under the sun why they can’t come home. Sometimes, these reasons sound a lot like excuses, and the wife can begin to wonder if he will ever come home or if she’s just wasting her time.

I heard from a wife who said, “I’ve been trying to get my husband to come back home for several weeks. The kids miss him horribly. I’m struggling to keep everything running smoothly, and it’s hard to get everything done on my own. It’s time for him to come home. But when I tell him this, it doesn’t seem to matter. Last night, he told me, ‘If I come home now, it will only be out of guilt. Is that really what you want? Is that the way that you want to get me home?’ I only had to think about it for a split second before I replied that I didn’t really care why he came home as long as he did. The truth is, he should feel guilty about leaving me alone with my two kids. He’s out probably having the time of his life without any responsibilities, and here I am all alone. So if he’s only coming home out of guilt, I am fine with that. But honestly, I know that he isn’t really coming home any time soon anyway. All of the guilt talk is just his way of saying that he really isn’t coming home right away. So what do I do now? Because I don’t care why he comes home as long as he does.”

Understand That When You Get Him Home Out Of Guilt, You Might Be Only Getting Him Back Temporarily: I understand wanting to do whatever you have to do in order to get him to come home. But you also have to think about what will put you in the best position to keep him home. I know that the idea of him coming home in whatever way necessary is appealing. But I hear from a lot of husbands who tell me that even when they do come home out of guilt, they’re pretty miserable because the decision to come home did not come naturally. They often feel pressured and manipulated and, much of the time, they’re going to be tempted to leave again quite quickly.

More Effective Ways Of Getting Him Back Without Needing To Guilt Him: I’m sure you probably already realize that if you can make him want to come back out of reasons other than guilt, you will have a better chance of your marriage actually working for the long term. Many wives do understand this, but they don’t believe that it’s possible, since their husbands haven’t shown a lot of interest before. But a possible reason for his lack of interest may be your reliance on negative emotions like guilt.

He’s not as likely to listen to what you say if he knows that most of what you say is just meant to make him feel bad. So, he’s going to have a natural inclination to tune you out because he would rather feel good about himself if it’s at all possible.

As unappealing as it may sound right now, often the most effective way to get him back is to stop trying to lay on the guilt. I know that I’m asking a lot because it’s very likely that you are telling the absolute truth when you let on how much you are struggling. But, he’s less likely to respond to you when you use this as your strategy. So, as difficult as it might be, make sure he sees you as capable and coping, even if it means omitting some of the true but negative details.

Why? Because people are just naturally attracted to other people who make them feel better instead of worse. If every time he is around you, he’s very aware of his mistakes and current issues, he’s more likely to see you negatively, even if those feelings should be what he feels about himself.

On the other hand, if every time he’s with you, he leaves with a smile on his face or he laughs easily, then he’s likely to see you as attractive, and he’s likely to have good memories of these encounters that make him miss you in the end.

Admittedly, this is a slower process. But it is also much more likely to work because allowing him to make up his own mind rather than forcing guilt upon him ensures that you both know that he’s home because of his own choosing and wishes. Many wives admit to me that having a man at home who clearly doesn’t want to be there and who is so cold because he clearly resents being manipulated is worse than not having him home at all. Sure, he’s there physically, but that’s about it.

I know it’s difficult, but my advice is not to settle for the cheap, easy, or temporary victory. Hold out for the real deal. You deserve (and should want) a man who truly wants to be with you and who can’t wait to get home to you because he has realized his mistake all on his own.

Believe me when I say that I used guilt A LOT when I was trying to get my husband back home.  But not only did it not work, it made him avoid me more than ever, and it made him coming home much less likely.  It wasn’t until I backed off on the whole guilt thing that I finally gained some ground.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, I hear from wives who are trying to save their marriages because their husband wants a divorce, separation, or break. But occasionally, I hear from wives who were the ones who initiated the separation, and they now very much regret that decision. Often, they’re very worried that this realization has come too late.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “I am the one who initiated the separation, but my husband doesn’t know the true reasons why. I told my husband that I needed time on my own to think about what I wanted, but this wasn’t completely true. I had been falling for an old flame I reconnected with on Facebook, and I wanted to explore that relationship without worrying about my husband and my marriage. So I told my husband I was going to stay with friends for a while and clear my head. In actuality, I was staying with the Facebook guy for much of the time. At first, it seemed idyllic. It seemed like we picked up right where we left off. I felt alive and free, and I liked that feeling. But over several weeks, the problems that we’d always had came back. It soon became clear that I was an idiot who was throwing away her marriage for someone whom I didn’t even really know. Meanwhile, my husband was at home without any idea what I’d done. I feel just awful. He has always been there for me, and he would never do something like this to me. I now regret leaving and separating from him. But I have no idea if he feels the same way. And I know he won’t feel the same way when he finds out about the other guy. What in the world can I do now?”

These are tough questions because sometimes husbands don’t react as we had hoped, since we’ve already pushed them away. However, in the following article, I’ll offer some suggestions on how you might want to proceed if you regret leaving or separating from your husband for another man, but now regret it.

If Your Husband Doesn’t Already Know About The Other Man, Don’t Make This Your Immediate Focus: Sometimes your husband already knows about the other man, and sometimes he doesn’t. Whatever the case, your initial goal should be to minimize the other person as much as you possibly can while understanding that the truth is going to have to come out eventually (although I suggest the least painful version of the truth.)

Getting him back may well be difficult enough. But every time he thinks of the other man, you may lose any ground that you’ve made up. So if he doesn’t yet know about the other man, it might be a good idea to be very careful about when and how you disclose this information. And, if he does already know, then your best bet is to make the present day about you and your husband and no one else. Try to keep his attention focused on the present and the future and not the past.

Make Sure You Want Your Husband Back For The Right Reasons Before You Approach Him: The wife in this situation was at least partly invested in getting her husband back because she had realized that the Facebook relationship was not what she thought. Granted, this realization made her want her husband even more. But I have to tell you that most husbands are going to look at this and think, “she only wants me back because it didn’t work out with the other guy.”

So you want to do a lot of soul-searching about why you want to come back and why you want him to take you back. Because your sincerity is often more apparent to him than you might have realized. If you’re only coming back because the other relationship made you realize how much you have to lose, then you need to dig deeper. You need to define what you love about your husband and why he is worth fighting for. Because he is going to know, and feel, and react to the difference.

Don’t Ask Or Expect To Come Back Into His Heart Right Away. Understand That You Have To Earn The Trust Back: Many wives make the mistake of wanting to go and confess immediately, while they hope to fall into their husband’s arms with reassurances that they will work it out. This is rarely the case, and when it is, the husbands often have doubts deep down. It’s only natural and normal for him to be leery of your sudden change of heart. He is often coming to the table with his own pain, hurt pride, and questions. Don’t try to force or rush him into something that he isn’t ready for.

Wives who approach this with love, patience, and integrity often get much better results than wives who want everything in the beginning before they have earned it back. Understand that you are going to have to work hard to restore his faith and trust, and you will also need to address the problems that led to your leaving in the first place. This often is not a speedy process, but the good news is that often, once you’ve gotten a glimpse of what you might lose, you’re more than willing to do whatever it takes to keep it.

In my own situation, my husband left me, so our story happened in reverse. However, the same strategy that I am suggesting here did work. I had to chip away at my husband’s reservations very slowly over time. But eventually, I restored his trust and we saved our marriage. If it helps, you’re welcome to read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are well aware that their marriage is hanging by a thread. Many feel as if they are barely hanging on. Sometimes, it’s pretty clear that the husband’s heart isn’t fully in it, although perhaps he has made a commitment to you and your marriage.  Sometimes, this eventually evolves a little further to where he develops or admits feelings for someone else.

I heard from a wife who was struggling with this issue in her own marriage.  She said, “My marriage has been in trouble for about 7 months now.  But my husband knows that I’m not going anywhere.  I would never break up my family, and I’m in it forever because of my children.  My husband agrees with this in theory, but it’s clear that although he’s here physically, his head and his heart are a million miles away.  This is a very depressing way to live, and there are times when I’ll try to reach out to him or attempt to connect with him, only to be overtly rejected.  The other day, I got frustrated with this and asked him why we were living this way, and he finally admitted that he had developed feelings for a woman at work.  He assures me that he remains committed to our kids, so he would never act on these feelings.  But what am I supposed to do with this information? And how awful to know that he’s only here by default.  At this point, I feel like I’m holding on to him against his will.  I feel as if he’s no longer mine.  So part of me thinks I just let him and the marriage go, but the other part of me can not stand this idea because I think what if we eventually could have made things work? And I worry about making one hasty decision that means our marriage is over.  For how long do you hold on to your marriage when you suspect that  it’s over for your husband, especially if he has feelings for someone else?”

This is not a question that I can answer for anyone.  It really is an individual question (and a serious and long-term one) that you will need to answer for yourself.  However, I can and will give you some things to think about that might help you to decide on your own.

How Real Are His Feelings For The Other Person?: This should be your first question because very often, the “feelings” that he thinks he has are in direct response to the issues and frustrations with your marriage.  It’s very common for people to look for the validation, connection, and support that they feel they aren’t getting, even if they are not aware that they are doing this.

This is key because if you can set it up where your marriage improves and your husband is once again getting this support for you and your marriage, it’s not uncommon for these phantom feelings to be shown, for they are, and they just fizzle out, or your husband realizes that he was mistaken about them.

Of course, this is more difficult if he has already acted on his feelings or is actively involved in a relationship.   It’s also more difficult if you are wavering on your own feelings about the marriage or him.  But if he’s only just begun to have feelings outside of your marriage, this often isn’t yet the point of no return, and many times, if you revive your marriage, the feelings will naturally wane or go away.

How Determined Are You To Hang On To Your Marriage At All Costs?: I know firsthand that it can be very difficult to continue to hang on when you’re not getting any positive feedback or reinforcement from your husband.  It’s very hard when people are telling you that you’re naive or not living in reality.  Or when people tell you that you need to look around and realize that there’s just no hope.

I was in this situation, and there were times when I felt like I was being impossibly stupid.  There were days when I thought that holding on must be more painful than giving up.  But every time I was very close to just giving up, I’d think about how final a divorce often is and how I wasn’t yet ready to walk away.  I guess I felt like as long as I had some hope, I could keep going.  And I never came to a point where I was willing to give up hope.

This ended up working to my advantage because if I had given up, I would undoubtedly be divorced today, which wasn’t what I wanted.  I know the “holding on” method doesn’t work for everyone.  To me, it comes down to 3 things:  how deep the feelings for the other woman truly are; whether your marital problems are ones that can eventually be worked through so that your marriage is again satisfying for both of you; and your own fierce determination that you’re willing to hang on for as long as it takes even when the going gets very rough.

My own husband had begun talking about going out with other people, but I don’t think there are any deep feelings yet, which probably worked to my advantage.  I’m glad today that I hung in there, but I concede that it was extremely difficult at the time.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how this played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who want to know how to broach the conversation about saving their marriage. And, they want to make sure that when they are having this discussion, their husband is agreeable to what they are saying. No one wants to feel as though they’re speaking to a brick wall.

Some wives become very frustrated because their husbands shut them down before they even have the chance to have the conversation. Some husbands just refuse to discuss their marriage or even listen to you when you’re willing to be the only one doing all the talking.

You might hear, “My husband just refuses to talk about saving our marriage. In his mind, it’s over, and he’s not willing to meet me halfway and discuss this. And, when he cuts me off and says things like ‘we are not having this conversation,’ I will respond by telling him that it’s fine if we don’t have a conversation. Because I am willing to talk if he is willing to listen. I don’t mind doing all of the talking if that’s what I have to do. But he makes it clear that he’s not willing to listen either. Usually, he will get up and walk away or interrupt me and swiftly change the subject. I want to save my marriage more than anything, but I’m starting to think that it’s completely a lost cause if he won’t even listen to me, much less talk to me. What are you supposed to do when your husband shuts down every conversation that you try to have about saving your marriage?” I will try to address these questions in the following article.

Sometimes When Your Husband Won’t Hear Or Participate In Any Conversation About Saving Your Marriage, It’s Time To Stop Talking: I know very well that when your marriage is in danger or on the line, it’s natural to want to talk it out. We women are talkers. We want to express our feelings. We want him to hear us because we want to be validated. And we sometimes feel that if we can just string our words together correctly and touch the right chord within him, we might begin to slowly chip away at the armor that’s making him reluctant to work with us on saving our marriage.

But part of the problem is that, unlike us, men are not talkers. Men are doers. They have very little patience for talking and sometimes even less for listening because both of these things feel idle to them. They would rather actively fix a problem than continue to talk it through.

I’m not saying this to frustrate you. I want you to understand that in order to have a better chance of getting what you want (saving your marriage,) you might have to abandon the talking or listening strategies. This is especially true at first. You might want to consider coming at him with what he will respond to the best (which, in my experience, is the doing strategy.)

Moving From Talking And Listening Into Taking Decisive Action: I’ve dialogued with men about this topic. Many of them express that they are so tired of talking. They feel as if you are going in circles with no resolution, and so to them, this is both frustrating and a waste of time. So continuing to talk is probably going to cause more frustration and make your husband even more skeptical of what you have to say over time.

In fact, if you are at the point where your husband is no longer listening to or talking with you about saving your marriage, then it’s probably safe to say that taking action might be a better alternative. So what do I mean when I say “taking action?” Mostly, what I mean is taking small steps to show your husband that saving your marriage isn’t as impossible and as difficult as he fears. See, men tell me on an almost daily basis that they feel that any efforts to save the marriage now are too little too late. They tell me that they’ve heard your words, but they don’t see any real changes. They may have even gotten their hopes up a time or two, and yet, here you both are again. I’m certainly not saying it’s your fault that you’re both still here. But I’m telling you that your husband wants to see something change. He often needs to see you go beyond just talking.

Does this mean that you have to do something overly dramatic or try too hard to overcompensate? No, that’s definitely not what I am suggesting. But I am suggesting doing small things to show him that the two of you can get along, have some fun together, and interact in a light-hearted way that might make him want to spend more time listening and less time shutting you out.

Yes, this means backing way off, which will likely result in your joking and laughing more. I’m not suggesting you turn your back on your problems – at least not forever. I’m just suggesting that you shine a light on what your husband most wants to see right now – and that is an open-hearted, easy-to-relate-to person who isn’t pressuring him quite so much. When he sees that you’re no longer asking him to do what he’s reluctant to do, his resistance will lessen, and you’ll notice that he’s listening to you a little more.

When you see this improvement, force yourself to continue to move slowly. The last thing you want is for him to think that your new change of attitude was only to get him to drop his guard so that you could pounce again into conversations about saving your marriage. The idea is to get him to want to save your marriage because he once again relates to you and wants to spend his life with you, not because you had an enlightening conversation about the same.

I tried to talk my husband’s ears off when our marriage was struggling. I didn’t get the hint, and he eventually moved out so he didn’t have to listen to me. It wasn’t until I totally dropped this conversation and changed my approach completely that I was able to gain some ground. If it helps, you can read that entire story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:   One thing that frustrates many wives who are newly separated or taking a husband-initiated “break” from their marriage is the husband’s lack of clarity about how things are going to work.  The wife often wishes that he could be specific about how things are going to unfold in the days and weeks to come.  Often, what she’d like is for him to define the relationship and to specify how often they are going to see each other, how intimate they’re going to be, and ultimately, how things are going to end up with their relationship and their marriage.

Usually, though, the exact opposite happens. The husband wants to leave things more open-ended because he isn’t sure what he wants.  I recently heard from a wife who said, “I am so frustrated right now.  My marriage has been struggling for a while, but rather than agreeing to get counseling, my husband announced that he’s moving out and wants to separate.  He said he wants to see the other regularly, and he doesn’t intend to file for a divorce anytime soon.  But, he’s adamant that he just  wants to just be friends for a while and “see where our relationship leads.”  What in the world does he mean by this?  We’re married, and now he wants to back up to a friendly relationship and see if that friendship eventually turns into a romance.  Isn’t that backward?  How am I supposed to respond to this?”

Questions like these are very common, and the wife is often quite reluctant to play along because she’s worried that the husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. The wives often think that this whole “let’s be friends” business is just a way to get the wife to agree to separate without putting up too much of a fight.  And meanwhile, the husband is free to explore life living on his own while technically still having a friendly wife at home to fall back on.

I understand these concerns because I felt them myself.  And it’s very tempting to want to tell your husband that you aren’t buying any of this and don’t want any part of his plan.  But often, pushing him into making a more permanent decision could backfire.  Very often when wives play this card, the husband will simply reply that if you’d rather have less contact, a formal separation, or a divorce, then he will understand.  So sometimes, it becomes obvious that if you want regular access to him (which you are going to need if you want to save your marriage), it’s best to realize that two can play this game and that you can play it every bit as well as he can.

What A Husband Generally Means When He Says He Wants To “See Where Your Relationship Leads”: I know that this is a very vague phrase, which can make it sound as if your husband is talking in riddles.  But I have dialogued with some men in this situation and I can tell you that often when they go with the whole “let’s just see where our relationship leads” stance, what they’re trying to tell you is that they aren’t sure about your marriage, but they aren’t prepared to lose you or walk away from you at this time.

They often feel like things are falling apart in their marriage, and they need some time to clear their head to determine where to go from here.  With that said, they are not willing to walk away, or they would have already done so.  So while the “let’s start by being friends” stance can mean that they’re enjoying the best of both worlds (no longer living with you but still having access to the relationship,) it can also mean that, at least for now, they haven’t closed the door.

How To Play It When You’re Waiting “To See Where The Relationship Leads:” I know that this can be a very difficult situation to navigate.  You’re caught between wanting to give him the space he obviously needs and wanting to feel some reassurance.  So it can be very tempting to push for more than he wants to give, especially at first.  It’s scary to back off and let him come to his own conclusions.

But much of the time, that’s exactly what you need to do because if you push too hard, he may come to believe that giving you this much access to him just isn’t working.  He might think that he feels more pressure rather than feeling less, and so to get relief from this, he may be tempted to draw a line in the sand and cut his ties more quickly.  If you’re trying to save your marriage, you can’t afford for this to happen.

So often, the best thing to do is to make it appear as if you’re playing along.  Sure, you’ll be his friend, but you won’t be at his beck and call either.  The thing that most women in this situation do not realize is that you can often flip this around and use it to your advantage.  Sure, you don’t have complete access to him, but on the flip side, this means that he doesn’t have full access to you either, which allows you to create a little mystery and scarcity.  Things that aren’t immediately available are often perceived as more valuable.  This is just human nature.

So I’d caution you on making it too obvious that you’re hanging on his every decision.  He wants and is going to take his space, and that’s unfortunate.  But this gives you an opportunity to do your own thinking and soul-searching.  It will often put you in a better position if you keep a positive attitude and remain confident that this new arrangement is going to lead him right back to you.   And this means that you don’t have to experience the inner turmoil that leads you to do desperate things or to appear needy and unsure because both of these things will make you seem less attractive to him.

So as hard as it is (and I do know that it’s hard,)  I believe that the best thing to do in this situation is put a smile on your face and tell him that he can take whatever time he needs and that you will do the same.  In the meantime, make the most of those friendly times you’re spending together.  But don’t move too quickly.  Allow for things to unfold at their own pace, and allow him to take the lead sometimes.

When my husband took the “let’s be friends and see what happens” stance, I panicked, and I reacted very badly.  Of course, this made a divorce more likely, and I had to do some serious catching up and backtracking.  Once I understood that playing along was in my best interest, things changed and shifted dramatically, and eventually, he was the one pursuing me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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