Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: People sometimes tell me that they are concerned because their marriage feels “forced.” Sometimes, they have been trying to save their marriage, or have been fighting a lot, or have an issue that they’ve been struggling to work through. As a result, sometimes they’re navigating difficult situations that bring about awkward situations. Sometimes, as a result, they hold back, overcompensate, or bite their tongue. This can lead to some of those “forced feelings” we’re going to talk about.

A wife can explain: “My husband and I rarely fight. Sometimes I think that this is part of our problem. Over the last year, our marriage has taken a definite turn for the worse. It’s not like we are fighting or we hate each other. But the chemistry isn’t there anymore. It almost feels as if we are strangers. When we do try to discuss our marriage or what’s wrong with it, then things can become uncomfortable, so we just sort of go through the motions and go on with our day-to-day lives. But our marriage feels forced and also a little like a fraud. It’s like we’re two acquaintances going out of their way to be nice to one another just for the sake of it. It’s not an intimate relationship between soul mates. It’s a stalemate between two people who have no idea where their marriage is going, but who don’t want to rock the boat. What does this forced feeling mean? Is my marriage in trouble? Is it over? What can I do about this?”

In the following article, I’ll discuss what it means when or if your marriage feels forced and what you can do about it.

Some Reasons Your Marriage Might Feel Forced: There are a couple of common reasons that your marriage might feel forced. One reason is that you are tiptoeing around issues or a distance in your marriage. And you’re afraid that discussing it or arguing over it is going to cause more pain and turmoil, so you overcompensate or try to avoid it. The effort of all of this and the frustration that nothing is being resolved can cause that awkward feeling.

Another option is that sometimes, people do not want to admit that there is a problem in their marriage. They don’t want to face the fact that there are issues or changing, shifting feelings or whatever the case may be. So you pretend that everything is fine, and you go out of your way to paint a very different picture than the one that you are feeling inside. Again, the result is the feeling that things are fraudulent, awkward, or forced.

Finally, sometimes you see people who know that their marriage is in real trouble. Sometimes they have talked about taking a break or have even separated. In short, they know that they are treading on shaky ground. And they very much want to save their marriage, so they put on a happy face to avoid rocking the boat so much that their marriage becomes damaged even more.

What You Can Do If Your Marriage Feels Forced: If you can, try to figure out which scenario most applies to you to determine what might be the case. If you are tiptoeing around an issue at the expense of the intimacy in your marriage, then maybe it is time to have an honest but loving conversation. If you are struggling with changing feelings or circumstances within your marriage, it’s almost always better to go ahead and address them rather than pretending that they don’t exist. I learned this the hard way.

And if you have strong feelings that you are pushing your troublesome feelings down, consider releasing them in some way. Feeling trapped or unable to express yourself in your marriage could potentially weaken the marriage more than being frank and honest ever could.

I understand not wanting to rock the boat, put your marriage at risk, or admit that the feelings aren’t flowing freely, but living in a forced and nonspontaneous marriage isn’t healthy or fun either. Speaking of spontaneity, one way to improve this situation is to bring the fun and unplanned back into your marriage. Joke, have fun, and play. Work on getting the intimacy and the spontaneity back in ways that feel natural and effortless. Although you will likely need to eventually work on your problems, you don’t have to do this so much that the marriage feels heavy. Give yourself permission to be playful and have fun. Because this is the first step toward improving the feeling that your marriage is forced.

Here’s something that you can do today. Every time you notice that things feel a little stiff or awkward, make a conscious effort to either lighten the mood or say (lovingly or positively) what is really on your mind.

My husband told me that “things felt forced” in our marriage long before he asked for a separation. I wish I had listened and taken him more seriously. Once I did, I tried to overcompensate and take things to the other extreme, but it made things worse. Eventually, I learned that virtually every aspect of your marriage can affect how you relate to your spouse and how you feel around them. And this was the beginning of my turning things around. Feeling free and spontaneous is no longer a problem for us, and our marriage is back on solid ground. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are dealing with a husband who is asking for or insisting that he needs “space.” Sometimes, he will hint heavily that he wants to leave, separate, or divorce. Often, the wife will see this request for space as a rejection or as an indication that their marriage is on its last legs. Many wives wonder if they should just accept reality, speed up the process, or be the one to leave, since breaking up or ending the marriage seems to be inevitable anyway.

A wife might ask: “If my husband is insisting that he needs ‘space’ and is hinting that he may leave me or move out. Am I better off just leaving him? If my marriage is going to end anyway, I’d rather take the initiative and be the one to leave rather than feel like a victim or a loser when he leaves me. I’m not sure what this would mean for me legally once we moved toward a divorce, but I would prefer to be proactive. Don’t get me wrong. I still love my husband, and I would prefer to save my marriage and remain married. But I’m not the one constantly asking for space. He is. So I’d rather not waste my time waiting around for him to decide what he’s going to do once he has his space. I resent him having so much control and that he gets to make all of the decisions. So I feel like that by leaving him, I’m going to be sending my own message. And I’m also secretly hoping that I am calling his bluff and maybe he will see that all this space talk is nonsense and posturing.”

Many wives wonder if they aren’t going to be better off making a preemptive strike rather than waiting around to see if their husbands are going to eventually want to leave or ask for a divorce. Often, a wife might secretly hope that if she leaves him, this might force some sense into him or show him that she’s not going to just idly wait around.

The Risks In Leaving A Husband Who Wants Space Or Who Might Leave You: Of course, there are some risks to this strategy. First of all, many husbands who ask for and eventually take “space” or leave end up coming back and being committed to their marriage. When a person asks for space or leaves, this is not always a guarantee or indication that the marriage is over or even that the person who wants space or leaves wants it to be over.

There is always the chance that the husband would take some space, realize that he wanted to save his marriage, and then come home to find his wife gone. If the wife in this scenario had left, then her decision to leave could well be another obstacle that this couple would struggle to overcome.

And this wife did stress that she really did love her husband and wanted to save her marriage, but she was worried that he was going to leave her anyway, and she didn’t want to face rejection or pain. So she wondered if leaving him before he could leave her was the better call. Only the wife could answer this question, but in my own experience, I decided to wait it out and give my husband his space. Eventually (after a lot of planning and strategy on my part), he came back and we saved our marriage. So, of course, I’m glad that I didn’t react hastily and leave my husband.

Alternatives To Leaving Your Husband When He Asks For Space Or Leaves: I truly do understand that a preemptive strike is tempting. And if you’re already checked out of your marriage and don’t care if it ends, then I don’t blame you for wanting to cut your losses and move on. But, if you think there’s still some flicker of hope that you still love your husband and want your marriage to work, what is the harm in giving him some time and space when it’s the rest of your life that you’re talking about? There’s nothing that says that you can’t continue to live your life while he is gone. You don’t have to put your life on hold or hold your breath while he is gone. Honestly, giving him his space and working on yourself while he is away (or taking his space in your home if he’s not moving out) can sometimes actually improve your marriage and increase your chances of saving it for the long term.

Because at the end of the day, the goal is probably that you are both happy in a good marriage if that is the route that you hope to eventually take. If he needs a little space to get close to that goal, then I don’t see any harm in giving him this while taking advantage of the time for your own objectives. However, if you don’t share the goal of saving your marriage, then I can understand not wanting to waste time waiting for him to make up his mind.

The answer is yours alone, but as I see it, the answer that makes the most sense is the one that is most in alignment with what you ultimately want the outcome to be. If your heart is open to saving the marriage, acting hastily and moving out may not be the best call.

As I said, I was tempted to leave my husband before he left me, but I’m so glad I didn’t. I suspect that if I had, my marriage might have been over, and we are still happily married today. If you like, feel free to read the story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Folks who are recently separated often try to gauge the appropriate amount of time and frequency with which to call their spouse. Many are reeling because of the separation and very much want to reach out to their spouse. But they are scared of being rejected or of wanting too much too soon. They also don’t want to be seen as a pest or as if they are initiating an unwelcome advance. Still, even knowing all of this, it can be very hard not to pick up the phone in an attempt to see what your spouse is doing.

A wife might say, in part: “My husband moved out last weekend. I am devastated. But he told me that he hasn’t been happy for a long time and said he felt that he needed some time on his own. I didn’t want him to leave, but he made it clear that my only two choices were either a separation or divorce. So I didn’t feel as if I had much of a choice. When he walked out the door, he was a little affectionate to me and almost looked at me like he thought he might be making a mistake. I feel such an urge to call him and see how he’s doing and what he’s thinking, but all of my friends say that’s not a good idea. They say it’s too soon to call. I feel as if this advice is really silly. He’s my husband, not my boyfriend. Don’t I have the right to call? What is the etiquette for this? How often are you supposed to call? And when is it too soon?”

Trying To Determine When And How Often To Call After You’re Separated Or Your Spouse Has Moved Out: There isn’t any etiquette or set rules about when or how often to call. It’s best to try to come to some understanding about this before one of you moves out. This way, you already know what the expectations are and what everyone is comfortable with.

But if you haven’t already established those boundaries, then you’ll have to feel your way. With that said, no one wants to be that overly anxious person who is calling too much or who is being a pest because they can’t take a hint. In reality, the best-case scenario is to allow your spouse to call you. For example, in the above situation, the wife felt that maybe her husband was experiencing some regret when he left, and she wanted to feel him out to see if this was true. It would put her in a better position if he were to call her. And if he felt as conflicted as the wife suspected, then giving him the chance to call first might have been a good idea.

However, I know that this is easier said than done. When my husband and I were separated, I had to fight with myself all of the time not to continually call or text him, and this is a fight that I usually didn’t win. But you know what? When I would call him too much, it was obvious that he wasn’t all that happy to hear from me. I would typically get a much better response if I forced myself to wait, or even better, if I allowed him to call me.

I know that the wife very badly wanted to call. One compromise might be to text instead of call. She might consider just sending a quick text saying: “Are you OK? Is everything all right?” This allows the husband to take the initiative in his response.

I always advise wives to opt for a text rather than a phone call if they are afraid that they are going to be overly emotional or are going to have trouble using restraint. With a text, you can hide your emotions better, and you can more easily and convincingly end the conversation if it’s not going well.

What I hope you take away from this article is that it’s better to leave your husband wanting to talk to you more so that he picks up the phone and calls you than to allow him to start dodging your phone calls, avoiding you, or making excuses if you are calling him too much or if he’s not ready for too much communication right now. And if you listen very closely to his clues, you can usually tell the difference. If you notice that he sounds distracted or annoyed, then perhaps you should back off and let him call you the next time. If he avoids you or starts cutting you off quickly, you will help your cause much more if you let him initiate the contact next time, rather than pushing even harder and making him point-blank tell you to back off.

If your husband is receptive to your phone calls, you can generally tell this by his behavior and by the fact that he is reciprocating and calling you as much as you are calling him. Often, if you are not getting the response that you want from him, you can sometimes set it up so that you are not as easy to reach or read. If you pull this off well, you will often find that he will reach out to you if for nothing else than curiosity. He will wonder why you are suddenly silent. When this happens, you will sometimes have a wonderful and fleeting opportunity on your hands, which I suggest that you take full advantage of.

As I alluded to, I made many mistakes in my phone calls to my husband when we were separated. There’s no doubt that I became a pest and a bit of a stalker. This made getting back together much more difficult. I had to back off considerably before I gained some ground. If it helps, you can read how the whole story unfolded on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who are trying in vain to get their husbands or wives to clarify what is happening with their marriage. It’s often quite obvious that there are serious problems and issues, but it can be difficult (if not downright impossible) to know what the future holds. Many people feel as though they could better address the serious issues in the marriage if their spouse would agree to even acknowledge them, work on them, or at least give some indication of where he or she sees the marriage heading in the future.

A wife’s situation may be something like this: “Our marriage is obviously in serious trouble. We’ve been struggling for the past six months. There was a time when my husband was hinting that he might move out or ask for a divorce. I begged him not to, and for now, he is still here, but it’s obvious that sometimes he wishes he weren’t here. Sometimes, he stays out all night with his friends, or he pretty much ignores me when we are together. I usually can only take so much of this before I ask my husband what is going on and what’s going to happen with our marriage. I’m willing to try to save it, but I doubt that I can do it all on my own. However, every time I try to bring up our marriage, what is wrong with it, what we might do to fix it, or what my husband has planned for the future, he will promptly change the subject. It’s as if he refuses to talk about the state of our marriage in any capacity. I will tell my husband that ignoring the problem isn’t going to make it go away, but he doesn’t seem to care. He just keeps right on changing the subject or pretending like he never heard me in the first place. What can I do about this? And why does he keep ignoring the topic?”

There are many reasons that your husband might be avoiding the topic of your marriage. I will discuss some of these reasons below as well as suggest some ways that you might attempt to handle this.

Possible Reasons Your Husband Might Be Changing The Subject Every Time You Bring Up Your Marriage: There are numerous reasons that your husband might be inclined to change the subject of your marriage. First, he may be just as stumped and as frustrated as you are. And, because he doesn’t have any decent answers for you, he might find it better to just remain silent until an answer presents itself. Second, he may not know how he feels about your marriage or about saving it. So, while he is deciding what he wants to do or how he wants to move forward, he might find it better to just not discuss the topic in depth. Or, he may just want to wait and see what’s going to happen before he makes any comments that may not bear out or that he might later regret. Finally, he may well have an opinion about your marriage and where it’s headed, but he may not want to discuss it yet, perhaps because he doesn’t want to hurt or discourage you, or as I said before, he’d prefer to see how things turn out rather than speculating. Now, let’s move on to ways that you might consider handling this situation.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Won’t Discuss Your Marriage Or Refuses To Talk About Saving It: Many in this situation will become frustrated that their spouse won’t discuss their marriage so they attempt to bring up the topic with even more intensity. They figure if they keep bringing it up, their spouse will eventually become so sick of the question that they will eventually answer. The problem with this method is that you may well get the answer that you didn’t want. In other words, if you force an answer, your spouse may become so frustrated that they tell you that, if you insist on rushing things, then maybe the marriage is in real trouble or even over.

This is the last thing that you want. So, sometimes you are better off giving up the continuous questioning, at least for now, and just addressing or trying to begin saving your marriage on your own. There is quite a bit that you can do without needing to continue to harp on the unknown. You don’t necessarily have to talk endlessly about your marriage to save it.

You can begin by trying to focus on what is going right between you rather than what is going wrong. Sometimes, if things are particularly bad, you will have to dig deep or look very hard to find any shred of what is right. But this is preferable to continuing to address something that your spouse is reluctant or unable to address. For now, begin to focus on those small things that are right between you. Build on those as you can. Become the spouse that you would like to be. Make sure that you are showing your spouse the person they fell in love with.  Make it easier to see the good things about you and your marriage rather than forcing your spouse to take inventory of the bad. Set it up so this is a light-hearted and welcoming topic rather than one your spouse feels he must avoid.

Although there may be a legitimate and negative reason that your spouse is changing the subject when you bring up your marriage, nothing says that you can’t set in motion the events that are going to transform your marriage so that sometime soon, you no longer have to keep asking questions to which you don’t know the answers.

I bugged my husband to death about the state of our marriage and about what he saw for it in the future. Eventually, he got tired of me bugging him, and he pressed for a separation, so I ended up wishing that I had focused on making things better rather than on demanding answers. Because saving my marriage was much more difficult after this. I was eventually able to restore the love and save the marriage, but the effort was much more difficult. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I was able to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks (usually wives) who have no idea when (or if) their spouse is coming back to them. Sometimes, they are legally separated, and sometimes their spouse has just up and lef,t either after a fight or after announcing that he’d like a break or some time to himself. Sometimes the spouse who is leaving is in constant contact or gives you a good idea of when they might be coming back, and sometimes they don’t.

I hear from spouses who are getting very tired of (and nervous about) worrying when their spouse is going to finally come home. A wife could describe it like this: “My husband left me six months ago. He told me that he just wasn’t sure if we should be married any longer and indicated that he would be in touch with me regularly to check-in. I’ve only heard from him a handful of times. I did hear from him last week, but he didn’t sound all that promising. When I am honest about this with some of my friends, they tell me that I need to stop waiting for him to come home and just live or move on with my life. They say that I am putting everything on hold for my husband when he doesn’t deserve it. I understand what they are saying, but the truth is that I don’t want to do anything with my life right now, especially without my husband. I don’t want to see other people and I certainly don’t want to give up on my marriage. Are my friends right? Should I move on with my life? My husband hasn’t asked for a divorce and hasn’t made any moves to legalize our separation. So I still hold out some up. But sometimes, I feel very stupid and naive for doing so.”

A Comfortable Time Frame Varies For Everyone:  There isn’t one right or wrong answer for everyone in terms of how long is appropriate to wait. My husband and I struggled for about a year when we were separated before we finally got it together. I suspect he saw other people. Friends and family told me I was delusional to continue to hold out hope. But, like the wife in this example, I just wasn’t ready to begin again. I still felt connected to my husband and invested in my marriage. And I didn’t feel it was right for other people to force their own time frame or beliefs onto me.

However, I do understand that some people just don’t have the patience and the inclination to wait. Sometimes, when I hear from some people asking me how long they should wait for their spouse to come home before they move on, it’s clear that they truly are already ready and wanting to move on, and that they are almost looking for someone to permit them to do so.

Although this is probably a conversation that you’d want to have with your spouse, you both likely knew that if the separation did not resolve itself favorably, there was always the chance that one or both of you would move on (or at least start living your lives again while you wait for a resolution.) I don’t think that you need any one’s permission to start living again, although it might be honorable to discuss dating other people with your spouse if this is what you are considering right now.

I didn’t think about dating other people. I was still very invested in my marriage, although I don’t think the same was true for my husband. These are very individual decisions. I don’t think that there are necessarily right or wrong answers, although I do believe that it helps if you are honest and open throughout the process so that no one feels as if they’ve been deceived or mislead. And, quite frankly, I don’t think that it’s a crime to continue to live your life while you are separated. I think that it can help you cope with this process, which I’ll discuss now.

Who Says You Have To Stop Living Your Life While You Are Separated Or Living Apart?: Many people (myself included) sort of stop everything when we become separated. For a while, it is difficult for us to do even basic things, like show up for work, get ourselves decently fed and dressed, and interact in a meaningful way with our families and friends. And, understandably, we feel this way, but withdrawing into yourself doesn’t help all that much.

All it ends up doing is isolating us and making us feel more closed off and depressed. There is nothing wrong with going to dinner with your friends, pursuing a hobby that will get you out of the house, or reaching out to other people. You certainly do not have to date again to continue living your life. I am being very honest when I say that isolating myself during my separation was probably the worst choice that I made. I became depressed, and as a result, when I did interact with my husband during the separation, I was most definitely not at my best. I was insecure, needy, and clingy. It’s no surprise that my husband didn’t want to be around me when I was acting this way, and he avoided me. And, this hurt my chances for reconciliation.

It wasn’t until I became sick of my loneliness and isolation that I had to force myself to go out with friends, do the things that I enjoyed, and to just get out there. And you know what? Not only did this make me feel a little better, but it also made me appear more attractive, and my husband soon became interested in me again, so living my life again helped me in more ways than one. It restored my confidence and optimism, and it also restored the woman that my husband fell in love with in the first place. If this hadn’t happened, I honestly don’t know if we’d still be married today. So to answer the question posed, I think you can live your life right this very minute, even if you’re separated. And this is true even if you still love your husband very much and hope for a reconciliation.

I think that my decision to put myself back out there, even if I wasn’t seeing other people, changed the course of my separation. My husband saw me differently, and this made all the difference. If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who fully realize and admit that their failing marriage is mostly their fault. Many are fully aware that they have made grave mistakes and that their husband is justified in wanting to separate or end their marriage. But this doesn’t mean that they want to give up.

A wife might say: “I’ve made so many mistakes in my marriage. I had an affair. I have lied to my husband. I’ve got us into credit card debt. I’ve lost jobs and worked sporadically. I haven’t been the best wife. Of course, now that my husband is fed up with me and wants a divorce, I can see very clearly where I went wrong. I am very sincere in wanting to change. I’m very determined to be a good wife if he would just give me the chance. But when I tell him this, he says he just doesn’t have it in him to forgive me anymore. He says I’ve just made too many mistakes and that he just doesn’t trust or believe in me because I have damaged our marriage too much. In my heart, I know that I deserve this, but I also know that I would change and could make him happy if he would give me the chance. What should I do?”

I can’t offer any guarantees. The decision in this situation was the husband’s to make. However, I don’t think that this situation is hopeless either. I have seen these types of scenarios turn around more than once. But I think there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about it, which I will discuss below.

Make Your Husband’s Needs Your Number One Priority. Back Away From Your Need For Forgiveness: I know that right about now, it feels as if your first priority is to somehow get your husband to forgive you one last time. But if you place your focus here, your husband is likely to think that, once again, you are making it all about you and you are asking for more than you are willing to give. He may well think that it’s too little too late, especially if, once again, your focus is on what he can do for you.

In my experience and observation, you will have more success if you make your husband the focus instead of yourself. What can you do for him? What can you do to show him that you understand what he wants and needs? Consider backing off of the pressure that you are placing on him to forgive you and focus instead on just being there for him and just improving whatever relationship he will allow you to have with him. If he’s focused on friendship or just being cordial, accept that for now. Be grateful for what he gives you and don’t appear greedy or insensitive by asking for more. It should be clear that your focus and concern are on him rather than yourself.

Prove Yourself To Be Someone Who Is Worthy Of Eventual Forgiveness: You should also be aware that one additional challenge you face is your husband’s suspicion that anything you do or say is only meant to get him to forgive you. So if you are promising your husband change, understand that he is likely to have his doubts.

One way to overcome these doubts is to just show up and continue to do exactly what you have promised. Be unwavering in your dedication to show (rather than tell) him how you have changed. Don’t give him empty promises and meaningless words. Allow him to witness the improvements that you have made first hand. Keep doing this until he sincerely believes you.

It’s OK if this takes some time. Your husband is worth the effort. And, at the end of the day, you want him to not only forgive you, but you also want a healthy and happy marriage that lasts well beyond the issues that you are having today. So anything that you are doing is paving the way for your marriage tomorrow. Don’t take the short, easy, and insincere road. Look at your long-term goals and conduct yourself in a way that you can be proud of. Your husband will be more likely to believe in your sincerity if you continue to do this. As such, he will also be more likely to believe that you deserve forgiveness and will be comfortable in offering the same eventually.

I have to admit that there were times when I was selfish in my marriage, and my husband responded accordingly with wanting a separation. At first, my focus was on getting him to forgive me. But this backfired. He was tired of my wanting him to do things for me. Once I placed the focus on him, things changed for the better. If it helps, you can read the entire story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Family can be a huge contributing factor in whether you attempt to save your marriage or not. Many people confess to me that were it not for their children, the decision of whether or not to end their marriage would probably be a lot easier. Children can even factor into the equation once the couple has already separated. Sometimes, people see how much this shift upsets or confuses their children, so they are motivated to consider trying once more.

I heard from a wife who said, in part: “I left my husband last month. We’d been fighting a lot, and I suppose I was trying to get his attention because I wanted him to take me seriously. He’s been acting better, and my kids really miss their dad. The other night, we all went out to eat, and when he dropped us off and left, I found myself wondering what it would be like to just go back home. But I have my doubts because we haven’t gotten any counseling or changed anything. Still, I want so much to keep my family together. After I’ve gotten this little taste of being on my own, I find that it’s not as great as I had hoped. So I’m wondering if I should go back to my husband in an attempt to save my family.”

This certainly wasn’t a decision that I could make for this wife. It was clear that she was confused and having conflicting feelings. The fact that she missed her husband and saw staying together as a possibility was a positive sign, but the fact that nothing had changed was certainly a concern. In the following article, I’ll offer some things that you may want to think about if you’re considering going back to your husband to save your family.

Don’t Rush It. You Can Address Your Marital Issues While You’re Separated. It Will Be Devastating To Your Family If You Have To Leave Twice: I understand how it feels to be away from your spouse when you are separated because I have been there myself. Everything feels so immediate. And you worry that if you don’t go back now, you might never find your way back.

But I know from experience and by watching this scenario in many other couples that you are better off waiting until you can address at least some of your issues or know that you can reconnect and communicate again before you rush into something that might actually harm your marriage rather than save it.

It would probably actually be more confusing and hurtful to your kids if you went back home only to fight again, or worse, only to pack your bags, uproot the kids, and leave once more. It’s wonderful and admirable to want to save your family. But make sure that you have the tools and the time to do it right so that your kids end up with a healthy and happy family rather than one that was slapped back together in a rush, but which will fall apart as a result sometime in the future.

Ask Yourself What Would Need To Change To Make Your Marriage Work: The biggest problem that I see in this situation is that people go into it without a clear plan for change. Wanting to save your family is a very admirable goal, but that goal isn’t going to do much to change your marriage and keep it from failing once again. To reach that goal and ensure that your family stays together for the long term, you’ll often need to make some changes within your marriage so that not only do you stay together, but you are happy doing so.

If you are just going through the motions for the benefit of your children, but are not happy, then your children are going to know the difference and might not get the full benefit of your getting back together. So while it’s wonderful to vow to save your family, don’t stop there.

Ask yourself what it would take to make your marriage a happy one and vow to do everything you can to make those changes happen. Good intentions and hoping for the best are often not enough. You may love your husband desperately and be willing to do anything for your children. But if you don’t put some changes or improvements in place, what is going to keep you from ending up right back here in the future?

At the same time, you don’t want to dwell on your problems so much that you can’t be spontaneous and just feel some joy to be back with your husband and family. It is a delicate dance. You want to combine a new, light-hearted attitude with really and truly getting down to work to make some lasting and important changes in your marriage. Because you want to be able to keep your family together forever in a marriage that is a happy one, which sets a good example.

Think about it this way. The driving factor for you right now is your family, and that is truly wonderful. But it doesn’t make sense to bring your family back into a marriage that is only barely dragging itself along. You want your children to grow up with parents who have a happy and stable marriage because this is the example that you set for your children’s marriage. Therefore, you want to give them something worthwhile to model so that they will have their own happy marriage. This is a wonderful gift to give them and probably your true intention. So while I applaud and encourage your attempt to save your family, make sure that improving and fixing your marriage is equally important.

I know how you feel because there was a time when I wanted to save my marriage at all costs, but I wasn’t thinking about how to fix it in the process. So our marriage suffered (and deteriorated) more and more as a result. It wasn’t until I decided that I would accept nothing less than the best marriage I could rebuild that things began to change. Not only did I save my marriage, but I created a marriage that was worth saving. If it helps, you’re welcome to read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people (usually wives) who would very much like to save their marriage while they are separated, but they wonder if this will be possible because they suspect (or know for sure) that their husband is seeing someone else.  It’s hard enough to save your marriage together as a couple, but it can be much harder once someone else has entered into the equation.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “My husband and I separated a couple of months ago. The idea was that we would work on ourselves as individuals and then come back together and save the marriage.  However, somewhere along the way, my husband connected with a woman at work and started going out with her.  At first, he assured me that they were mostly casual friends, but recently, they went on a 3-day trip together.  Obviously, most people don’t go on overnight trips with folks who are merely friends.  Every time I try to bring up the topic of her, my husband will not talk about her at all.  I’m worried that this new woman and this new relationship will mean that I’m not able to save my marriage. How can I possibly compete when my husband and I have all these issues to fix? And I’m sure that she seems like she doesn’t come with all this baggage and all of these issues.  Should I continue to confront him? Should I confront her? Should I try to break them up?  Or do I just hope for the best?”

While it’s true that the other woman likely doesn’t appear to have the issues and the baggage, she also doesn’t come with the history that you have with your husband.  While it’s true that she may have some advantages, she can’t possibly compete with all of the things that you and your husband have shared over the years.  This doesn’t mean that you don’t have to worry about her, of course.  All of the questions asked by this wife were fair and reasonable.  I’ll try to answer them in the following article.

Watch And Wait For A While Before You Make Untrue Assumptions Or Jump To Conclusions: The husband was still denying that he was in a romantic relationship with anyone else. And the wife really did want to believe this, but the overnight trips made her question what he was telling her.  Although this was completely understandable, there was a real risk of jumping to conclusions, overreacting, and giving this woman, or this relationship, more power than either deserved.

Because every time you freak out or ask questions about her, you are almost handing him over to her, in a sense.  You make the relationship seem more powerful, and you make yourself seem more unattractive and more paranoid.  Of course, you’re going to be curious and upset, but often you are better off if you downplay your response, at least when you are around him.  You will often have better results if you continue to be calm and confident that things will work out between you because you belong together. (You don’t want to be overly arrogant about this, of course, but you do want to be calm.)

Consider Taking Your Larger Marital Issues Off Of The Table Until You’re Sure That She’s Out Of The Picture: It’s hard enough to work through your issues when you are separated and don’t have access to your husband, but it becomes even more difficult when someone else is competing with you for his already scattered attention.  You don’t want him to compare the two of you and figure out that it takes too much work, by comparison, to deal with you.  This doesn’t mean that you have to always give him his way or back off on things that are important to you, but you don’t want to continue to press painful or emotion-packed issues that aren’t immediate or can be put off. Because you can bet that she’s presenting herself (and the relationship) as something that is going to be easy and maintenance-free.)

What Should You Do While You’re Waiting For Their Relationship To Cool Off? So what happens if you determine that your husband truly is seeing someone else?  Do you throw a fit, try to break them up, or try to confront her?  I think that the answer to all of these questions should be no.  Again, when you react, you’re showing a lot of fear, and you give her (and the relationship) a lot of power.  It’s my experience that often, the first relationship during a separation or split does not last, so you are better off not overreacting.

Many wives ask me if they should try to go out with someone else to make their husband jealous or to show him how it feels.  I don’t think this is a great idea either because I see this strategy creates more problems than it solves.  I don’t think that there is anything wrong with letting him wonder if you are going out with someone else, but you shouldn’t manufacture or begin a relationship just to get a rise or reaction out of your husband.  In my opinion and experience, you will often put yourself in a better position if you wait it out, don’t show an excessive amount of interest either way, and create a lot of mystery about what you are doing.

In the meantime, this wife could still work on herself as an individual, just like the original plan.  That way, once her husband ended whatever relationship he might be having with the other woman, the wife would be in a much better position to address her marriage.  And she wouldn’t have done any additional damage to the relationship.  Your goal should still be to work on yourself and to improve whatever the relationship with your husband might be.  You want him to understand that you are easy to talk to and deal with and that you will always be his safe place to fall, no matter what ultimately happens.

I made a big stink and overreacted when I thought my husband was seeing someone else while we were separated. This only made things worse. It wasn’t until I backed off a little bit that I actually gained some ground and began the process of saving my marriage. If it helps, you can read the entire story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are practically pacing a trail on their floors as they are waiting for their husbands to decide to come back home and work things out. Sometimes, their husband is gone for much longer than they thought or would have hoped. Many times, he won’t give them a straight answer about when, or if, he is coming back.

I recently heard from a wife who said, “My husband left our home because he needed space. We didn’t call this a trial separation or give it a name or anything like that. The idea was that he needed some time alone and that eventually, when he came back, he would be ready to work things out with me and save our marriage. But it has been several weeks now. And he’s made no firm commitment as to when he is coming back home. When I ask him about coming home directly, he gives me vague answers or flat out tells me that he doesn’t know when it’s going to happen. This is so frustrating to me. When is he coming home so that we can get work things out?”

Unfortunately, only the husband could answer this question for her. But what I could do is tell her some things that she could try to get her husband to come home a little faster. I will discuss them below.

Things That Might Make Your Husband Come Home And Work Things Out A Little Faster: Here’s something that is almost universally true, with very rare exceptions. The more you pressure your husband to do something about which he isn’t sure, the more inclined he is to resist you. I know that backing off on pressuring him to come home as soon as possible feels like a big risk, but more often than not, the bigger risk is to continue using the same old tactic that has failed so many times before.

If you’ve already asked him several times and he still isn’t home, what good is it continuing to ask? Let’s think about your true objective for a second. You want him to come home as soon as possible, and you want him to be enthusiastic about so he’ll be willing to work with you on saving your marriage. Since he has already shown resistance to what you are doing, continuing on with the same plan might actually push him to stay away even longer.

Instead, as risky as it might feel, the safer bet is to back off a little bit and have faith that if you give him some space and focus on the positive rather than the negative, then eventually he will willingly come home because instead of working against him, you’re working with him. You’re showing him that you respect his request and you want him to be happy. Once you do this, he no longer has an incentive to avoid or delay talking to you, and you will often find that, as a result, you will actually have more (rather than less) access to him.

Understand That It Is In Your Best Interest For Your Husband To Come Home At The Right Time With The Right Attitude: I know that right now, you’re probably thinking that you just want your husband home no matter how this happens. But that truly is a short-sighted goal. Because many wives find that when they push him to come home before he is ready, he doesn’t stay home for long. He’s not fully present because it wasn’t his choice to be there just yet.

But if you wait and give him the room to decide on his own when he’s ready, he will come home with a cooperative attitude and will be more willing to work with you to save the marriage because it is what he wants also.

Painting Yourself As Attractive Rather Than Desperate While Your Husband Is Away: I’d like to make one final point. I really do understand where you are right now. My husband moved out of our house, and we were separated for a while before I figured out a way to save my marriage. So I know how desperately you can feel as if you need him home right this very second.

But often these feelings will lead to behaviors that are less than attractive. Perhaps as much as you hate to admit it, you might find yourself waiting by the phone, or driving by where you suspect he is, or being the only one who seems to care about the marriage. This can lead you to exhibit the part of yourself that is perceived as needy and just not all that attractive. I know that this isn’t fair, but most honest men will tell you that this is just the way that it is.

Men are more attracted to capable women who aren’t so transparent and easy to read. Of course, your husband is going to know that you want him to come home. But does he need to know that getting him home is your sole and perhaps only focus right now? That’s probably not the best idea. Even if you have to force yourself, it’s usually best (and will make you appear more attractive) if you try to appear busy and capable. Go out with your friends, keep moving forward in your life, and remain positive and easy to be around. If it always makes your husband feel guilty or heavy to be with or think about you, then he’s naturally just going to avoid this, and this isn’t what your marriage needs.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you or predict when your husband will come back home so you can save or work on your marriage. But I can tell you that often, if you back off on placing your focus solely on getting him home and more on getting him in the right frame of mind when he does come home, you will usually like the results much better.

As I alluded to, once I took my focus off of getting my husband to come home at all costs, things actually improved between us so that when he did come home, we were much more likely to save our marriage, which is exactly what ended up happening. If it helps, you can read about that very emotional process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who just aren’t sure if they are truly ready to walk away from their spouse and their marriage. Sometimes, they themselves are the ones who initiated the separation, divorce, or thoughts of giving up. Other times, they are responding to (and are at the mercy of) a spouse who is no longer happy or invested in the marriage.

Whatever the reason for the uncertainty, I often hear comments like: “my husband and I decided to separate for 6 months and then decide if we wanted to proceed on to divorce. I have to admit that the separation did not go well. We didn’t make any progress and we still aren’t happy as a couple. It appears that the logical thing to do would be to go ahead and end the marriage. We did try, but it doesn’t appear that we have succeeded in rebuilding our marriage. My husband agrees that divorcing is probably the best thing to do. But while my head can look at these facts and determine that ending my marriage probably makes the most logical sense, my heart is not following along. Somewhere deep inside of me, I worry that I might still love my husband and that maybe there’s some spark of connection left that hasn’t completely gone out. Am I silly to feel this way? What happens when you don’t know if you’re ready to end your marriage, but you have no idea how to save it or even if there is anything left to save?”

I have to disclose that I probably am not the most objective person to answer these questions. I was on the verge of divorce and my husband had virtually walked away from my marriage when I decided that I should listen to that little voice of indecision and follow my heart. So I’m probably not the person who is going to tell you to just quash that little voice and walk away from your marriage. I firmly believe (and it’s my experience) that the little voice of doubt that you are hearing is there for a very valid and important reason. I will explain why below.

People Who End Their Marriages In A Healthy And Final Way Generally Do Not Have Doubts: Believe it or not, some people know for sure that their marriage is completely over and who are very willing and able to walk away from it with a clear conscience. This is because they know in their heart that they have done everything in their power to save their marriage but, in the end, it just wasn’t possible. And the result is two people who are just at the natural end of their relationship. They aren’t indecisive. Or angry. Or feeling heavy in their hearts.

And these are generally the couples who can make a clean and healthy break. They are able to wish their ex-spouse well. And when they go on to their next relationship or marriage, they’re not carrying baggage, bitterness, or disappointment because they had closure knowing that the end was completely mutual and complete. However, these couples generally do not scour the internet looking for information about what to do when they’re not sure if they can walk away from their marriage.

If You’re Unsure Whether You’re Ready To End Your Marriage, Then That’s A Good Indication That The Marriage Is Not Over For You: Again, I’m not the most objective person to write about this topic. I’m sure some would tell you to get over it and move on. I’m not one of those people because I know how it feels to have doubts nagging at you because you aren’t ready to throw years of love right down the drain. Your spouse is the person who you vowed to love, honor and cherish til death do you part. It’s understandable to have some hesitation at turning your back on that.

When I was going through this, I used to lay awake at night with the terrifying thoughts of “what if I’m wrong and I end my marriage and regret it for the rest of my life? What if walk away from my soul mate and I never get him back again and never find another one?” There were friends who told me that I was being overly dramatic and maybe I was. But I didn’t want to see myself as one of those young women on their second marriage who was already living with shattered dreams and bitterness. And I’m glad I was able to admit that to myself because it made a huge difference in the outcome of my marriage and my life.

If You’re Having Doubts About Whether You’re Ready To Leave Your Marriage, As Yourself If You’re Already Done Everything In Your Power To Save It: Many times, I think we have indecision about leaving our marriage for two possible reasons. The first is that pure and simple, we still have loving feelings for our spouse. For whatever reason, the feelings are still there, even if it doesn’t make sense, is not convenient, or isn’t entirely reciprocated. We can’t always deny this, even if we’d like to because the heart knows what it knows.

Second, a lot of times we have doubts because we know deep down that there have things we haven’t done or words we haven’t said out of fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment, or fear that our words just won’t work. If either of these is the case for you, then perhaps you owe it to yourself to see this through to the end to make sure that you aren’t walking away from your marriage prematurely.

One final point, people who are truly ready to walk away from their marriages with a decisive heart that is at peace aren’t generally searching on the internet for information on this topic. The fact that you are may tell you that you still have indecision that you may still want to examine and deal with before you’re truly ready to walk away. And who knows? If your indecision ends up saving the marriage that you are still invested in and still want, then thank goodness for that indecision.

There was a time that I thought my marriage was truly at its unnatural end. My husband had totally checked out and would not lift a finger to help me reconcile the marriage. I knew that, at least from my end, it was not yet time to call it quits. Thankfully, even though I had doubts, I decided to try one last thing and approach it from another angle and this eventually worked. You can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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