Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives don’t have specifics as to when or if their husbands are coming back.  But many are still hoping that one day soon, he is going to come back and work with them to save their marriage, even though friends and family are often telling them that they are crazy or naive for doing so.

One might say: “My husband left me eight weeks ago. At first, he said he just needed time to think and clear his head and that he would be back within a couple of weeks. After a month, I still hadn’t heard from him. But about two weeks after that, he called me out of the blue and told me that he needed a little more time. He often didn’t return my calls and texts, but sometimes he did. And there would be times when he would ask me out on a date or would come over, and we would get along wonderfully and reconnect. When these incidents happened, of course, I got my hopes up and convinced myself that he would soon come back for good. But that never happened. Instead, he would pop in and out of my life. Sometimes he would tell me he still loved me, and other times, he would say he still hadn’t come to a decision. I miss him so much, and I still love him. I still have hope that he will come back and we can save our marriage. But my friends and family tell me that I am a fool to feel this way and to continue to wait. They tell me that he is never coming back. Are they right? Am I a fool to continue to wait for him to come back? If I’m being honest, I don’t want anyone but him. I have no interest in dating other people or in getting on with my life without him. So who is right?”

Boy, situations like this one bring back memories. I was in the same situation. My husband and I were separated for months. He even hinted that he’d filed for divorce papers at one time. Everyone told me I was crazy not to move on with my life. And yet, I hung in there because that is what my heart was telling me to do. I knew that if I pretended everything was fine and went out on dates that I had no interest in, then the whole process would just be a fake disaster. I really had no interest in anything other than my own small group of friends, my job, my schooling, and my husband. People told me that I was a fool and that I would grow old and gray and lonely waiting for a man who was never going to come back. These words did hurt me, and if I am being honest now, I have to admit that I wondered if they might be right, but I decided that I was more comfortable living with my doubts and fears than forcing myself to do something that I really didn’t want or wasn’t prepared to do.

Did this make me foolish? Or naive? Quite possibly. But I don’t like to consider myself a fool. Yes, I was participating in wishful thinking. Yes, I lived with blinders on. But in the end, my husband did come back, and we did save our marriage. Still, I think it’s oversimplifying things to say that we saved our marriage because of my stubbornness. It took a lot of hard work and even some luck. But if I had listened to everyone and given up, then we would not have had the opportunity to save our marriage.

And in this wife’s situation, it was not like the husband was completely cutting himself off from the wife or giving her no hope. He was in regular contact and was encouraging at times. With this said, I felt that it was potentially important for the wife to begin to live her life. This didn’t mean that she had to turn her back on her marriage or admit that it was over. Nothing said she had to date again. But there was no reason that she couldn’t get out with friends or do other things that she might enjoy while she was waiting. And often, living your life will actually help in your quest to get him home.

People often assume that the opposite is true, but I rarely see that being the case. In my own situation, when I began putting myself out there and no longer waiting idly in my home to respond to my husband’s every whim, he respected me more. And when I started traveling on my own to see friends and family, this is when he really became interested again. Let me make clear that although I was living my life, I was always clear in my own mind that I was going to give my marriage every chance and that I wasn’t abandoning it. But I also knew that for my own health, I needed to stop holding my breath while I was waiting. In truth, I could wait but still live my life. And as soon as I made this decision, my husband was suddenly interested again. I’m not saying this is going to happen every time. Maybe I got lucky, but living your life will often make the waiting easier to bear.

To answer the question, though, I don’t think that waiting for your husband to come home makes you naive or foolish. I think it just makes you committed and maybe a little stubborn, but I don’t see anything wrong with these attributes as long as you are remaining healthy and upbeat in other areas of your life.

As I alluded to, my husband left me, and I stubbornly waited for him for much longer than my friends felt I should.  But you know what? My waiting and my stubbornness contributed to my saving my marriage.  I know that I was lucky.  But I couldn’t have been lucky if I had given up.  If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are still in shock that their husband has, seemingly out of the blue, announced that he wants a divorce or separation because he does not feel like an equal partner in the marriage. Sometimes, he has hinted or complained about this issue for a long time, and it has finally gotten to the point where he wants to take some action. Other times, this is the first that the wife has heard of this topic, and she’s a bit floored and unsure how to proceed.

One of these wives might say: “Last week, my husband came home and told me that he wanted out of our marriage. I did not see this coming. When I asked him what was making him so unhappy, he said that he didn’t feel like I respected and appreciated him enough. I have heard this from him before, but I never thought that he would take it to this level. I have a high-stress job, and he doesn’t. I make more money than him. So sometimes, I have to stay late after work or go in on weekends. As a result, sometimes he has to pick up the slack and do the cooking or tend to the kids. Obviously, he has been resenting this all along because now he is telling me that I don’t treat him as an equal partner in our marriage. He says that I do not realize that he has feelings and talents too. He says that in my eyes, it is all about me and that I never brag about him or seem to appreciate him. He actually told me that I treat him like the hired help. I told him that I would never want him to feel this way and that, from today on, I would make a very conscious effort to do better. Because I do appreciate and respect him. But he says it’s too little too late. He says that I give him the impression that he is not good enough for me, and he cannot live that way anymore. He says he wants to feel like his kids’ father rather than their nanny. He announced that he had found an attorney and that I would get paperwork soon. What now? How do I respond to this? I do respect and appreciate my husband. How can I show him this before he really does divorce me?”

This is a tough situation, but it is not uncommon. Many women in today’s economy are more successful and earn more than their husbands. And although the wife never even brought this up or made a big deal about it, the husband felt second best. This is common when the husband has to take on a supporting role with the house or children. It’s very easy to assume that your husband is well-adjusted and accepting of his role when, in reality, he is feeling belittled and unappreciated. One of the most troubling issues here was that the husband had only dropped little hints along the way. Sure, he would sometimes tell his wife that he was feeling taken for granted, but he never made it sound like a big deal. So, as a result, the wife didn’t take any action, and the husband felt that he had to do something really dramatic (like ask for a divorce) in order to get her attention.

Making Your Husband Understand That You Do Respect And Appreciate Him: Of course, the wife was now in a position where she had some major catching up to do. And there was a real risk that the husband would think that she was just saying or doing things in order to get back in the husband’s good graces again so that things could just continue on in the way they had been. It’s very important that he believes that you are absolutely sincere about showing him the respect and appreciation he deserves.

How do you do this? By paying attention to all he does and then verbalizing and doing little things to show him that you truly do notice and appreciate him. You might verbally thank him or even do something to lighten his load. Maybe you volunteer to take a chore or task off of his hands so that he can go and play basketball with his friends or do something else that he enjoys. Encourage him to pursue his own dreams because he may be frustrated to see you pursuing your dreams while he is not, because he is trying to pick up all of the slack. As he is more fulfilled with himself, he will be less likely to feel resentful and unappreciated.

The very worst thing that you can do is to downplay his feelings, tell him that he is overreacting, or belittle his need for appreciation and validation. And one of the best things that you can do is to brag about him and praise him in front of your mutual friends. You want to make him feel invaluable.

What If I Try My Best To Make Him Feel Respected And Appreciated And He Still Wants Out And Is Going forward With The Divorce?: In that case, you may have to accept that the process may take longer than you originally appreciated or hoped. He may suspect that you are just telling me what he wants to hear just to get him to call off the divorce. So, it’s quite possible that he doesn’t yet trust and believe you. That’s why you need to make absolutely sure that your actions are in alignment with your words. People can and do say anything when they are faced with a divorce that they don’t want.

But over time, as you keep right on telling him the same things and keep right on showing him your appreciation and respect, he will be more likely to believe what you say and act accordingly. I know that things can be difficult when he’s turned cold and distant. In that case, you have to make the most of those little moments and those little opportunities to show him that you really do know, understand, and value what is important to him. He needs to believe that what is important to him is just as important to you because you are equal partners.

My husband and I ended up separating when I was both working and going to school. I had a very full schedule, and he did not. As a result, he ended up not feeling like an equal partner, and he sought a separation. It took a lot of work and effort to make him realize that I did appreciate and respect him. And eventually, this allowed me to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read through that whole process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are relieved that their husbands are beginning to show a little more interest in them while they are going through a marital separation. However, as relieved as they are, these women can be unsure as to what is the best way to react to this newfound interest. Should they show their own interest? Should they keep their response a little subdued because it’s a bad idea to get their hopes up? Is it better to play hard to get?

A wife with these types of questions might say: “My husband wanted very little to do with me during the months before he finally moved out. I tried everything possible to get his attention and to make him interested in me again. But nothing worked. I suggested marital counseling. I told him that I would make changes and concessions. I promised him that I would become a better wife and do everything in my power to make our marriage better, but nothing reached him. So he moved out five weeks ago. At first, I did not hear much from him. And then, last week, out of the blue, he called me and asked if I wanted to go for coffee. I said sure, I’d go, but deep down, I suspected that he was going to tell me that he was filing for divorce. I was wrong about that. He just wanted to see how I was doing. And he flirted with me the entire time. He called me the next day and asked me out to dinner. During that same dinner, he asked me if I was dating anyone and started being nosy about my life. He asked me how I felt about him and kissed me good night at the end of the evening. Although I’m very happy that he is showing interest in me, I’m left wondering what I should do now. All I wanted for months was for him to love me back. But now, I doubt what I’m seeing. I’m wondering why he’s interested in me now. I want to be receptive to his interest. I want to kiss him back. But I am so afraid of getting hurt. How should I play this? Should I ask him why he’s acting this way? Or just take it as it comes?”

I know that it’s very easy to overthink in this situation and try to analyze every single thing that your husband says and does. This is especially true when your marriage is this important to you. But in my own experience, it’s best that you don’t hang on so tightly that you sabotage yourself. And it’s important that you understand what might be behind your husband’s new interest in you.

Your Husband’s New Found Interest In You Is Likely Due To Him Having The Time And Space To Miss You. Take Full Advantage Of This By Not Moving Too Quickly: The wife was confused as to why her husband was suddenly interested in her. Most of the time, he is interested in you because you are no longer at his beck and call or trying so hard. That makes you more interesting. And it doesn’t hurt that he probably misses you. Which is why, in my experience, it’s best not to move too fast. Now, there’s a difference between allowing things to go at their natural, slower pace and out-and-out ignoring him or playing hard to get by taking it to extremes.

I wouldn’t advise you to pretend to be unaffected by his attention or pretend to feel something that you don’t. In other words, if you want to kiss him back, there is nothing wrong with that. But it’s also important that you don’t automatically assume that the kiss means that you are getting back together or that all of your problems are over. There’s no doubt that this is an improvement, but if you move too fast, you run the risk of scaring him off or worse, in showing him that nothing has really changed at all. Frankly, there’s a shift of power here, and that can be a good thing. That’s not to say that you should abuse that power or make your husband feel rejected when you want him as much as he wants you.

My best advice is to move very slowly. Continue to let the time and distance work for you. When the two of you are together, flirt, be playful, and enjoy this time. This brings him closer to you. This allows you to feel more confident that he really does love and want you. This can be a precious time, and it can also allow you to slowly work your way back to a place where he is the one initiating the contact because he is a willing participant in this relationship.

That’s a great thing because if you play your cards right, you can sometimes set it up where he is the one initiating getting you back and coming back home, which is quite the change between the woman who was begging her husband not to leave and promising him crazy compromises if only he would stay. His taking the initiative puts you in a much better position because you no longer have to make those sorts of silly promises and concessions. You are both equals, and you are both willing participants in the relationship. Just make sure that you don’t become overly anxious or try to push for a commitment too soon. Wait until he is the one asking if he can come home, but feel free to return his interest if that is what you really feel.

When my husband started showing interest in me again, I made the mistake of wanting too much too soon. I wanted him back home immediately, and he pulled back. Returning his interest was more difficult the second time around. I learned the hard way that it’s better to move slowly and leave him wanting more than to move too quickly and leave him wanting less. But eventually, we did save our marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are incredibly frustrated because their husband seems to be blaming them for all of their personal problems and their unhappiness. Often, the wife does not agree with his assessment. In fact, many wives truly believe that their presence actually makes their husband’s life better, and they very much resent their husband’s mistaken belief that getting a divorce will solve all of his problems.

One of these wives might explain: “My husband’s life has gone downhill in the last couple of years. He lost his job. His ex-wife took him back to court to get more child support. His mother died, and he is fighting with his siblings over the estate. With all of these very stressful things happening, our marriage has been negatively affected. He’s moody and downright nasty sometimes. He is not easy to live with. I try to be patient with him. I listen to his problems as long as he wants to talk. But I can feel him slipping away from me more every day. Lately, he’s started saying that he’s not happy and he feels like he wants to make some major changes in his life. He hints that this might include divorcing me. This hurts me, and I know that he’s making a huge mistake. Divorcing me is not going to solve any of his problems. In fact, I think it’s going to make his problems worse because he will no longer have me as his sounding board and biggest supporter. Still, he’s all but saying that he wants a fresh start by getting a divorce, and he thinks that this is going to make his life better. What can I do about this? I don’t want a divorce, and I still think our marriage is salvageable. How can I make him see that divorcing me isn’t going to make his life magically better?”

I can really empathize because in my own situation, my husband sort of went through the same process. As his life became more complicated (mostly because of his own actions), he started to think of me as the source of his problems, and he began to reject me and our marriage. Eventually, he was able to see how wrong he really was, but when we lived apart and were almost divorced, it was quite hard to keep the faith. This article is based on some things that helped my own situation. I hope that something here helps you.

Although It May Be Tempting To Repeatedly Tell Your Husband That He Is Wrong, It’s Unlikely You Will Be Able To Talk Sense Into Him When He’s Already In A Dark Place: I know that it may be tempting to repeatedly lay out your arguments and hope that you can talk some sense into him. You feel like you can just explain where and why he is wrong, and he might just come around and embrace you and your marriage again. I have to tell you that in my own experience, this is quite unlikely. Often, your husband is caught up in a cycle of a certain type of thinking. This type of thinking doesn’t encourage him to listen to reason, even if those reasons are valid.

That doesn’t mean that he won’t eventually come to see the truth. But often when this happens, it is because he is ready to accept the truth, and he has come to his own decision based on his own introspection or events that have happened within his own life. Sometimes, the best that you can do in this situation is to continue to support him, but to also focus on your own self-care because you are going through a very difficult time also.

Approach Him In The Spirit Of Helping Him Rather Than Changing His Mind. And Offer Him A Compromise: It’s important to understand that when you approach your husband with the sole purpose of changing his mind (and he is typically well aware that this is what you are doing), he will often be that much more determined not to change his mind. So, while you might be under the impression that you are helping yourself, you actually might be making your situation worse. It’s my experience and opinion that you will often be more likely to get what you want if you make him think that your goal is to help and support him rather than to change his mind. So instead of telling him that he is dead wrong in his assumption that divorcing you is going to fix all of his problems, you might instead tell him that it’s clear he’s still struggling and you want to help him find whatever it is that is going to give him some relief. To that end, you could suggest leaving the house for a short period of time to give him a taste of living without you. This way, he can see that being apart from you isn’t going to solve his problems, and you’ve made it look like you are helping or cooperating rather than arguing with him or trying to keep him from getting or doing what he wants.

Encourage Him To Lighten His Load In Other Ways: The wife in this scenario suspected that her husband was depressed, and it sounded as if she may well have been right about this. Sometimes, finding other outlets that help your husband with his problems means that he is no longer projecting his problems onto you. If you can get him some relief – whether that is counseling or just finding an outlet for his frustrations, you will likely find that he realizes all on his own that you are not the problem. And when he does, you might find that this divorce business is no longer an issue.

As I alluded to, there was a time when my own husband thought that divorcing me would solve all his problems. He even moved out for a while. I tried to make him see that he was wrong, but this only pushed him further away. Finally, I realized I was going about it all wrong, and I changed course and saved my marriage. You’re welcome to read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Because today’s economy is a tough one, I’m hearing a lot about “in-house” separations. What this means is that no one moves out of the house. The couple typically agrees to try a trial separation in which one of them moves out of the master bedroom. They give one another the space to live separately. But no one has to pay additional rent until they figure things out. Some wives see this as preferable to the husband actually moving out, and some get pretty panicked at this scenario.

Someone might explain, “Our marriage has been on the rocks for the past eight months. My husband is very direct in telling me that our marriage isn’t making him happy. I’m not all that happy either, but we have two kids to think about, so separating or divorcing is just not a viable option for me. However, my husband is caught up in wanting his space. So he came home and told me that he had read about an ‘in-house separation.’ What this means is that he would move into our basement while I keep the master bedroom. We would both let each other be, and he would have the space that he thinks he can’t live without. He has warned me that he doesn’t want me questioning him or making demands of him. I suppose this is preferable to him filing for divorce. And it’s clear that neither of us can really afford to pay for someone else to have an apartment or another house. I guess what I am wondering is, should I agree to this in-house separation? Do these ever work to save marriages, or do they just delay the inevitable, which is a “real” or legal separation, or worse, a divorce?”

I have a definite opinion on in-house separations, which I will share with you below.

When Done Correctly, I Think An In-House Separation Is Preferable To A “Real” Separation, Especially If You Might Want To Save Your Marriage: I actually sometimes encourage wives who want to save their marriages to suggest an in-house separation. I know that there can be a lot of anxiety and awkwardness about the boundaries of the separation when you are living under the same roof. But frankly, I find this so much preferable to trying to figure out a way to get a husband who has already packed up his things and left the house to change his mind and come back to that same house.

Please believe me when I say that it is often easier to reform the marriage that you still hold under one roof than to save the one that is now living somewhere else. Will you have hard work to do during the in-house separation? Absolutely. Will things be awkward and weird? Most probably. But is this easier than trying to lure your husband back to the house? Most of the time, there is not even a question about this.

If you have the choice between an in-house separation and allowing your spouse to “try” moving out, I almost always encourage you to keep your spouse in the same home as you. It will make saving your marriage easier, though none of this is easy. Many people worry about the circumstances. They will tell me that since it’s only finances keeping their husband under the same roof, they really consider this to be a “real” separation. You can call it what you want, but there is nothing wrong with taking advantage of the circumstances that just might work out in your favor. With that said, in order to give your in-house separation the best chance of being successful, it’s important to set boundaries and to set things up correctly, which I will discuss now.

Making The In-House Separation Work Well Enough To Save Your Marriage: I want you to be very clear about what your husband wants right now. Most husbands will tell you that they want space. This is their way of asking you for uninterrupted time alone to clear their head and determine what they really want. I know that sounds easier than it actually is in real life. But please understand that if your husband doesn’t perceive that he is getting that time, he may eventually think that he needs to divorce you or distance himself from you more in order to get it.

Often, your best bet is to respect the boundaries. Give him that time alone. You know where he is more of the time anyway. I know that it’s very tempting to want to know what he is thinking and feeling all of the time, but sometimes a little time apart and mystery can be a good thing for your marriage. I often tell wives that they need to give their husbands the time to miss them. As best as you can, give him that space, but make sure that when he does see and interact with you, you make the encounter as positive and as easy as you can possibly make it. You don’t want this process to be difficult. In fact, you want it to go so well that he eventually doesn’t need the space anymore, and he wants to move back into the master bedroom.

Don’t Think You Need To Solve Every Problem That You Have During The Separation: Many wives feel a sense of panic when they are in this situation. So they will try to figure out what needs to happen in order to get their husband invested in the marriage again. As a result, they will figure that they need to solve all of their problems before they can ask him to end the separation. Although I understand this, I know from unfortunate experience that it isn’t the best call. Doing this will often make things more awkward between you, so that your husband will want to avoid you. The goal is to make things better and easier between you, not more awkward and forced. I suggest working on reconnecting before you even venture into the territory of your problems. Couples often can’t really successfully solve their problems until they are both committed and connected once again.

I really wanted an in-house separation when my husband needed space. But he moved out instead, and this made things much more difficult. I eventually did save my marriage, but it was harder than it might have been if we had lived under one roof. If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people don’t know what is holding their marriage together after their children have gone or left the home. Often, they have worked very hard to stay together for the kids or have banded together to create a strong family, more for their children than for themselves. But sometimes, when those same children have left, the parents can look at each other, see a stranger staring back at them, and wonder what is left. Many begin to wonder if it is even necessary or desirable to stay married at this point. After all, it’s possible that the whole reason they stayed together in the first place has just walked out the door or become an adult. Sometimes, they feel as if they have done their duty and now it’s time for them to be happy. And, there are times when they suspect that they might be happier if they weren’t married.

A wife might confess: “Our marriage has been stale for many years. We never talked about it, but I think that subconsciously, we stayed together for the sake of our kids. We both come from divorced homes, and we know the pain that comes from being brought up in a broken family. So, we vowed that our kids would never go through that. And I’m proud that we hung together like we did because it was the right thing to do. Our kids are wonderful people. They are successful, well-adjusted, and kind. But they are both in college, and so I can’t help but wonder what the point of staying married is? I mean, why should we stay together when our children are grown up and out of the house and our marriage is stale?”

These are all valid questions, and I can think of a few answers. But of course, I can’t make a decision or suggestion about someone else’s marriage. That’s a very individual decision. I did decide to save my marriage, and I do believe that if it is at all possible, this is the preferable thing to do. So, realize that my viewpoint is definitely based on my belief that you should try to salvage your marriage if you can. Below, I will tell you some reasons that I think you might consider staying married once your kids are grown.

It Will Be Easier To Spice Up Your Marriage Than It Would Have Been With Kids Underfoot. And Frankly, Your Children Could Have Been Part Of The Reason The Marriage Went Stale: To be quite honest, the newly empty nest can be the best time of your married life. You often no longer need or have to take responsibility for anyone other than yourself. And, you’re more likely to be at a time in your life when you aren’t dealing with financial issues. In short, you might finally be at the point in your life when you have the time and the means to do what you have finally been wanting to do.

I do understand that you may not feel connected to your spouse. I get that you might feel that the chemistry is gone. But you know what? It can be reignited. With some attention, effort, and time, you can get it back. You finally have the house all to yourself. Your responsibility is to no one but yourself. In short, there will be no better time than to turn your attention back to your marriage, improve it, and then enjoy it.

Throwing Away Someone With Whom You Have So Much History Is Not A Decision To Be Taken Lightly: I know that you may feel as if your husband is a stranger right now, but if you can resurrect your marriage and rediscover each other, you will often find that the history and the time that you have spent together is actually a blessing to you. People often tell me that there’s nothing new with their spouse, but once your marriage improves, you can often flip that around and realize that there’s comfort in being with someone who knows you so very well and who has walked with you through the many phases of life.

Believe me when I say that starting over can be very daunting, lonely, and many people admit that they are no happier single than they were married. And sometimes, even dating again isn’t nearly as exciting or liberating as you might have thought.

Of course, there are going to be rare occasions when you try your best to reignite and then save your marriage but you just aren’t able to do so. And if that’s the case, at least you know that you tried. However, I think that trying is preferable than giving up on something and someone with whom you have already invested so much time and effort.

Whether You Stay Married Or Not, your Family Still Needs You To Be Supportive Of One Another: People often believe that once their children are grown or on their own, they no longer need their parents or their family’s support. That just is not true. Studies have shown that college students are affected when their parents get divorced. Sure, it doesn’t change their life the way that it would have if they were small children, but your child will always be your child. Christmases, birthdays, and major holidays when you have to split them up among your parents are difficult, no matter what your age. It can be a mistake to assume that your adult children no longer see a united family as important.

Again, this article is not meant to make you feel bad if you ultimately decide that you have tried, but you just couldn’t make it work. But, it is meant to give the wife in this article answers as to why people might stay married after their children are grown and or out of the house.

No matter what the reason for it was, I’m glad I saved my marriage. Our relationship is wonderfully different from what it was when he felt like a stranger to me. And I’m so very grateful that I get to share my life with someone with whom I have such a history. If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are looking for anything that might help save their marriage or change their spouse’s mind about wanting a divorce. Some people have been helped by their pastor and church and they wonder if encouraging their spouse to come along will help to change that same spouse’s mind about the marriage or about ending it.

Someone might say, “when my husband and I started having problems in our marriage, a friend of mine suggested I join her at church, meet her pastor, and participate in marriage classes at the church. I did that and found comfort there. I also learned a great deal from the marriage classes. My husband did not join me and feels awkward in church. I would very much like for him to go with me because I feel like it would change his mind about saving our marriage. Lately, he’s been telling me that he thinks our marriage is a lost cause. He says he has no problem with my spirituality, but his own spirituality is his own business and that I should not try to force my views on him. How do I handle this? Because I feel like if I could just get him to listen to my church group and the teacher in the classes, he would see our marriage so differently.  He says that religion doesn’t have a lot to do with our marriage and our problems. I disagree. I think that with belief in a higher power, anything is possible. Some of my friends agree with my husband. Are they right?”

Religion can be a touchy issue for people. I do not hesitate to encourage someone to participate in whatever gives them comfort and hope. However, I also believe that you shouldn’t force that same thing that helps you onto someone else unless they have asked you to or have shown themselves receptive to it. There are ways to encourage them without being pushy though. I will discuss this more in the following article

While Church Or Religious Counseling Can Help Your Marriage, You Shouldn’t Force This On A Reluctant Spouse Until They Show Interest. (Encouraging Them Is A Different Story:) I do believe that finding the right counselor or outlet can be immensely helpful. Whether you are talking about martial counseling, religious counseling, or personal counseling, I also encourage people to pursue whatever they find helpful to them.

However, if your spouse doesn’t share your enthusiasm (at least not yet) you can do more harm than good by trying to force the same onto them. This can cause resentment or even for them to no longer support your religious comfort. The truth is, you can’t force or make your spouse to do something that they truly don’t want to do. And when to try to do exactly this, you sometimes find that you are doing more harm than good.

But nothing says you can’t offer some gentle encouragement or compromise. You could ask that he attend church with you one time and in return, you would do something with him that he has been wanting to do. In this way, he feels that he is getting something in return and he is more likely to go willingly. And, he might just enjoy himself and want to go again.

Understand That You Don’t Always Have To Go To Church Or Counseling Together For Your Marriage To Benefit: I understood this wife wanting her husband to share in her church experience. And, as I said, he may willingly do this one day if she approaches him in the spirit of compromise. But in the meantime, I felt that it was best that she could continue right on with what was working for her. She was clearly getting a large benefit from her experience in the church and there was no reason for her to stop going simply because her husband did not want to join her at this time.

Believe it or not, working on yourself, your own issues, and your own contributing factors can be immensely helpful even if your husband isn’t joining you are this time. There is actually a lot that you can do to save or change your marriage on your own in the beginning. You can make changes to yourself and can tweak the way that you respond and behave toward your husband. These things can also bring about relief and positively affect the future of your marriage.

Once your spouse sees how much benefit you are getting from embracing your spirituality (and sees that you aren’t trying to strong-arm him,) he may well come around. But until then, your best bet is probably to try to make changes and improvements on your own.

Putting What You’ve Learned Into Actionable Behavior:  No matter how helpful the church has been, your marriage can’t permanently change unless you take what you have learned and put those things into action.  Many things helped me to cope during my own separation. But I was the only one who could actively change my part in my marriage. Myself and my husband were the only ones who could take the actions necessary to make things better.

So yes, religious personnel, counselors, and friends can suggest courses of action for us to take. And sometimes these suggestions are very, very helpful and insightful. But at the end of the day, the only people who can carry out those courses of action are you and your husband. I am not suggesting that you should not see your pastor if it brings you comfort. If your husband agrees to go with you, even better. But, at least in my experience or opinion, to get the maximum benefit out of this, you’ll need to implement the suggestions that he gives you (as well as your own improvements) to ensure that your marriage moves forward.

At least with me, my husband was not going to agree to save our marriage or to reconcile until things got better between us. We both believe in a higher power. But no one but us was going to be able to change our marriage. So while I think that letting a higher power guide you and comfort you is a fantastic idea, I think that you can’t stop there. You must also ask yourself what are the core issues that lead to the separation and then you must fix them. Until you do that, nothing has really changed in your marriage. My husband was not going to reconcile until he saw real and lasting changes. Assuming that your husband is the same way, that might be why he is telling you that religion can’t transform your marriage. I strongly encourage you to embrace anything that makes you feel better. But in terms of reconciliation, that often requires changes that only you and your husband can make. So yes, God and/or religion and faith can help you in multiple ways during your separation, but the spouses involved are usually the people who have the power to truly do the work on their marriage.

When I was trying to save my marriage, I found many resources that helped me greatly. My husband did not embrace these things at first. It wasn’t until I stopped pushing him and he saw the positive changes that I was making on my own that he changed his mind. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives struggle with how to address their husbands’ lies. Sometimes, these lies have to do with very important things like money, fidelity, and the marriage itself. Other times, the lies themselves aren’t about serious or deal-breaking topics, but the fact that he continuously lies to you when he has no reason whatsoever not to tell you the truth drives you crazy and is becoming a big problem within your marriage. Sometimes, it comes down to a matter of respect and decency. And you begin to wonder if he is lying to you about the little things, does this also mean that he is lying to you about the big things? And, if so, what does this mean about how he feels about you and the status and future of your marriage? And what does this say about whether you can trust him or not?

One of these wives could describe it this way: “My husband lies about nearly everything, and this happens all of the time. I catch him in white lies and major lies constantly. Sometimes, he doesn’t tell me the truth about tiny little things that make no difference – like he’ll claim that he gassed up the car when he didn’t, or he’ll even tell me he went somewhere for lunch when in fact he was at work the whole time. Occasionally, though, I will catch him in big lies. Like he will claim he paid a credit card bill when in fact he didn’t. And we’ll get a late notice and have to pay finance charges, and he’ll pretend that he has no idea why the payment was late, and he’ll deny that he told me he paid it. I live like this all of the time, and I am so very tired of it. I wouldn’t tolerate a friend or coworker lying to me this much, but I am just supposed to tolerate this or tell myself that it is not that bad. I don’t understand why he feels the need to lie to me all of the time. It’s so disrespectful, and it makes me think he’s not a good person and that he doesn’t have a lot of integrity. Quite frankly, I’m starting to wonder if I want to stay married to someone who doesn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. Isn’t that what married couples are supposed to do? I wouldn’t lie to him, so why does he tell me untruths nearly every single day?”

There probably isn’t one decent answer to these questions. Because there can be many reasons that people lie. Sometimes, it is just in their personality. Sometimes, they just get into the habit of doing so because they think they have something to hide. And other times, they just get a weird thrill in trying to see if they can get away with it. In the following article, I will offer some tips and advice as to how the wife might effectively handle a husband who lies so much she wonders if she can trust him.

Try To Determine Why He Feels The Need To Lie All Of The Time: The wife admitted that the husband had not always been a liar. When they were dating, he told the truth and didn’t exhibit this type of behavior. So one has to wonder what had changed. Was their marriage in trouble? Had they developed truth issues? Was there a reason that the husband felt that he could not confide in his wife? Were his untruths a passive-aggressive way of punishing or frustrating his wife? I encouraged the wife to try to think back to when the lying first started and see if there were troubles or issues that may have contributed to it. And, if those same issues are present today, then dealing with and removing the issue could be the first step in stopping the lies.

Let Him Know The Lying Bothers You And Call His Attention To It When It Happens: This wife admitted that she didn’t always call her husband on his lies because it seemed to do no good anyway. He would just roll his eyes and tell her that she was nagging him, or he would insist that she was making a huge deal out of something that wasn’t a big deal at all since he wasn’t stretching the truth about important things.

Frankly, the wife had no way to know if he was being truthful about the content and severity of his lies. So, you certainly couldn’t blame the wife for doubting what he was telling her. I felt strongly that the wife had to make a stand.

I’d suggest a dialogue like: “honey, we both know that what you are telling me isn’t true. And we both know that you often tell me things that are not true. This bothers me more than I can tell you. And I just can’t tolerate it anymore. Can we talk about why you might feel the need to tell me what is other than the truth? Because I can’t continue to have conversations with you that include untruths. It’s showing me a lack of respect, and it hurts me. Plus, it erodes the trust that we need to have a good marriage. Can we talk about why you might be doing this and how we can fix it? More than anything, I want us to have an open, honest, and lasting marriage. Will you help me make that happen? Will you work with me?”

Consider Obtaining Help For Him If Your Efforts Don’t Work: There was every possibility that there was some underlying issue in this couple’s marriage that was motivating the husband to be less than truthful sometimes. Hopefully, once the couple addressed those issues, the honesty issue would improve greatly. However, if improvements did not happen, then the couple might want to seek professional help to get them over the hump. There are many different types of counseling and help. You don’t always have to go to someone’s office and bare your soul.

But it was so important that this couple addressed this issue because it was seriously affecting their marriage, and the wife wasn’t sure how much longer she could tolerate this. Frankly, she should not be expected to tolerate it indefinitely. Telling the truth is a common courtesy that most of us give to basic acquaintances and even strangers, so we should most certainly also give it to our spouse.

I have seen many couples struggle to save their marriage because of lying. Untruths weren’t what detailed our marriage, but it did factor into our recovery. And some basic tools allowed us to strip our marriage down to its core so we could heal it. If it helps, you can read about that entire process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives want nothing more than for their separated husbands to finally come home. Usually, the couple has separated, but the husband is dragging his feet on coming up with a resolution. I am usually contacted by the wife who wants her husband to come home so that they can save the marriage. But wives usually tell of a husband who is reluctant to do so. And many of the wives assume that if he won’t come home, this must mean that he wants a divorce, but this isn’t always true either. Some wives will tell me that their husbands don’t seem to want either, meaning he doesn’t want to come home, but he also insists that he doesn’t want a divorce. Needless to say, this can be extremely frustrating.

Here’s an example: “My husband and I separated five months ago. It has been hell while he has been gone. I miss him so much, and it’s so hard to raise my kids and to give them what they need without him. But no matter what I do or say, he refuses to come home. When he says this, I will then ask him if this means that he wants a divorce, and he tells me that no, he doesn’t want a divorce. This makes me so angry. It feels like he is keeping my life in limbo. And there’s a part of me that thinks he doesn’t want a divorce because he doesn’t want to pay me a lot of money when we get divorced. What can I do to get him to make a decision? Truthfully, I don’t want him to choose to divorce me. I love him. I want him to come home so we can save our marriage and be a family. How can I get him to cooperate and stop acting like this?”

I know that this is a very frustrating and difficult situation. It’s very hard (if not impossible) to “make” or “get” your husband to not only stop sitting on the fence and make a decision, but to make the decision that you want him to make, which is to come home. With that said, there are some things that I believe increase the likelihood of you getting what you want, which I will discuss below.

Your Husband Doesn’t Necessarily Need To Come Home Immediately For You To Work On Or Save Your Marriage: Many wives assume that to give their marriage a real chance to succeed, they and their husband need to be living under the same roof, which means that he needs to come home immediately. Although this can make things easier (simply because you have more access to him), it isn’t 100 percent necessary. Countless people save their marriages while they are separated or living apart.

Usually, the wives who are successful with this figure out a way to make the distance work for them rather than against them. You can still see, date, flirt with your husband, and work on your marriage during the separation. People do this all of the time. I won’t tell you that it is easy, because it most certainly isn’t. But it is possible. Now, with that said, you don’t want to make every single encounter about saving your marriage. Because doing this can create awkwardness and tension. Sometimes, you just need to keep things light and easy. It can be important to find that combination between trying to save your marriage and trying to just reconnect and make your relationship and interactions easy and less tense.

Sometimes, When You Back Off On Trying To Get Him To Come Home, You Will Find That He Is More Receptive To The Idea Of It: Frankly, as hard as this may be to hear, sometimes the harder you push or attempt to force your husband to make a decision about coming home, the less he truly wants to do this. He will almost go out of his way to avoid the topic and will make sure that he’s not going to “give in” to you.

But, you might be surprised to find that if you back off (just a little bit) and if you can stop making every conversation come back to when he is coming home and start talking about something else that connects you rather than pulls you apart, you might see that eventually, he becomes more receptive to coming home because you have allowed it to be his choice and he no longer feels as pressured. Therefore, he is less likely to resist.

Don’t Make Your Husband’s Only Two Choices: Coming Home or Getting A Divorce. The wife in this situation had no doubt in her mind that she wanted to save her marriage. And yet, ending her marriage was only one of two choices available to her husband. She was telling him that he needed to come home or make a decision about divorce.

Don’t get me wrong. I completely understand the frustration. She did feel as if her life was on hold. But you know what? Sometimes, if you can just begin to start living again and not measure each day by his actions, you will start to feel a little relief, and he will notice the change in you. Sometimes, this makes him more receptive to you because he sees that you are capable enough and flexible enough to not need an immediate answer. Frankly, in my experience and observation, the more you pressure and become impatient with your husband, the more likely it is that he will eventually either decide to get a divorce or to begrudgingly come home only to leave again relatively soon, so that you keep repeating the same old cycle.

So don’t set it up so that your husband must decide between two choices – coming home or getting a divorce. If he’s reluctant to come home, you don’t want the only option to be a divorce. Instead, back off a little bit and give him another option – improving your marriage right now, despite your circumstances, so that eventually he will very willingly make his own decision about coming home.

As I alluded to, my own husband was reluctant to come home and, for too long, I placed my focus on forcing or getting him to come back home to me. This did not work well at all. If anything, he wanted to stay away even more. It wasn’t until I backed off that I saw an improvement, and eventually I was able to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane: Sometimes, people who know that they are coming up on their last chance to save their marriage have already been separated once or multiple times. Other times, their spouse has run out of patience, and he isn’t sure if he loves them or wants the marriage.  As a result, he is being very blunt about this being their last chance.

A wife could say: “My husband and I have been separated twice. He has filed for divorce once, but then he eventually called it off. We have fought and then gotten back together more times than I can count. We are dealing with a lot of issues and problems. One of which is that he isn’t sure if he loves me anymore. And, we have some trust issues and differences in personalities, also. Every time we get back together, I have high hopes that this time we will make it, but something always goes wrong. For our latest separation, my husband moved out about four months ago. I finally got him to agree to come home to try one more time. I know that his patience is running out with our marriage. I’ve had friends tell me that he met someone else and wants to be able to say he gave our marriage one more fair try before he moves on. How can I make sure that it works this time? I truly want to save my marriage because I still love my husband, so how can I make sure that this last attempt at a reconciliation stick?

I can’t offer you any guarantees, of course. This has to be a decision that both of you make. However, I can offer some tips to give you a better chance of making your last attempt at reconciliation work this time, which I will do below.

Think Long And Hard To Try To Determine What Has Thwarted Your Attempts At A Reconciliation Before: Sometimes it can be difficult to determine what has gone wrong because you are so close to this situation. But, to the extent that you can, sit down and think about where things fell apart each time you attempted a reconciliation. Perhaps it was one issue that kept coming up every time. Perhaps one or both partners weren’t sure about their commitment or their feelings. Maybe you are opposites who deal with conflict differently, and this creates tension.

Whatever the most persuasive issue is, look at how you have handled it in the past and vow to handle it differently this time. Because it doesn’t make sense to stay with the same failing plan when experience has taught you that what you are doing just has not worked. Therefore, it’s time to try something new, which leads me to my next point.

Try Something New And Different. (It Helps If You Can Make the Reconciliation Feel Easier And More Effortless This Time.) I have to tell you that often when I talk to the people in this situation who are on the eve of the last attempt at reconciliation, it’s not uncommon for them to seem a bit skeptical and reluctant. Why? Because they have their doubts that anything is going to be all that different this time. And they don’t anticipate having a whole lot of fun.

You will have a greater chance of saving your marriage if you can make this process seem easy and fun. I don’t mean to make light of any of your marital problems. I understand that you could very well be dealing with difficult issues. But if you approach this through gritted teeth and clenched palms, you almost influence the outcome negatively.

If it’s at all possible, try to make sure that you schedule a time for fun and for reconnecting during this process. Perhaps you will get better results if you go to a ball game or play instead of sitting on the couch and staring at each other, wondering where you go from here. The truth is, if you can reconnect and start liking one another once again, it becomes so much easier to begin to navigate your problems. And your spouse needs to see that getting back together and staying back together is not going to be work all of the time.

Don’t Put A Sense Of Desperation Over Your Marriage: I know that you are labeling this your “last attempt” to save your marriage. Your spouse might have made it very clear that if things don’t work out this time, a divorce is imminent. That can be a scary and devastating thought. But if you approach this full of anxiety and woe, then it impedes or affects your ability to be spontaneous and playful.

Sometimes, when you cling so tightly and are so afraid of failure, you do run the risk of this influencing your thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Rather than dreading this and fearing it, see it as an opportunity to finally get what you want. This can be a new beginning rather than an end. Think of it that way. And vow to get some help if you need it because your marriage is at stake. From professional help with a counselor to online resources, there are plenty of things that you can do to educate yourself to improve (or even save) your marriage.

When I approached my husband about the last chance at a reconciliation, I made many of the mistakes that I just warned you about it and it blew up in my face. I had to completely change my approach to finally save my marriage, but the new approach worked so much better. If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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