Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are confused and frustrated by the mixed signals that their husbands are giving off during a marital separation. Often, the wives are trying to prepare themselves for the worst. They sometimes figure that they have to be realistic, so they admit, even to themselves, that their situation is not a good one. But often, when they share this admission with their husbands, he either denies that things are over or he sends them mixed signals, which can make an already frustrating situation even worse.

An example: “My husband moved out about six weeks ago. He has pretty much avoided me for most of the time we’ve been apart. He hasn’t reached out to me, and he’s only called a couple of times concerning things that have to do with our children. I had pretty much accepted our marriage was over. When he dropped the kids off the other day, I mentioned that we should probably start preparing them for a divorce or the end of our marriage, and my husband looked at me and said ‘What makes you think our marriage is over?’ I was stunned. I said ‘Well, typically when people live apart, it’s over.’ He had no response, and he hugged me when he left. Then he called me a few days later and asked to meet for coffee tomorrow. I don’t get it. He showed no interest whatsoever until I alluded to the fact that it was over. Then he denied it was over, and now he seems a little interested again. Why the mixed signals? I was preparing myself for it to be over. And I don’t want to get my hopes up, but if I’m being honest, I’d like to save my marriage.”

There are many reasons that you might get mixed signals from a previously uninterested husband during the separation. I’ll offer some possible reasons in the following article.

He May Not See The Separation In The Same Way That You Do: Sometimes, when men ask for time away to think, or they ask for a little space, this is truly what they mean. Now, it’s not an unfair assumption to suspect that some men ask for space when really, they have every intention of asking for a divorce eventually. But this is not true in every instance. Some men really do want some space, and after they’ve taken it, they start to have some doubts or some change of heart.

Perhaps The Thought Of The Separation Being Permanent Has Just Become Real To Them: It was probably no coincidence that as soon as the wife said the words “prepare for divorce” or “the end of our marriage,” suddenly the husband began changing his tune. Sometimes, hearing these words makes things seem more dire, immediate, and real.  And there are times when he suddenly realizes that perhaps he doesn’t want it to be over after all, or at least he wants more time to think it through before just throwing in the towel and calling it over.

How To Proceed When Your Husband’s Saying It’s Not Over And Is Frustrating You With All His Mixed Signals: I know that you may well want to call your husband on this or demand more of an explanation, but try very hard not to overreact. Often, mixed signals are better than being served with divorce papers. And they are often a sign that he still has conflicting feelings, which can be a good thing.  You’d rather he have conflicting positive feelings than decisive negative ones.

I know it’s tempting to demand that he explain himself or clarify, but in my experience and observation, doing so puts you at risk for him giving you the clarification that you were not hoping for, especially since you are pushing or rushing him.

It’s often better to try to have as much patience as you can, but it’s also understandable that you want and need to address this. A good compromise might be something like: “I was kind of surprised the other day when you said our marriage wasn’t necessarily over. I know that you are sorting a lot of things out and may have conflicting feelings. But I was glad to hear you say that it’s not over. Because it’s not over for me either. Maybe if we are patient with one another and move slowly, we will begin to see some progress, and things will continue to improve and become clearer. In the meantime, I hope that we can continue to see each other with the kids and present a united front for them.”

In this way, you aren’t putting any pressure on him, and you are reassuring him that he’s not the only one with conflicting emotions. You’re also setting the stage to see more of him (in positive terms) in the near future. This will often help your cause so much more than demanding answers or accountability for his mixed signals.

To be honest, at the beginning of our separation, I actually would have welcomed mixed signals.  Initially, my husband seemed to have made up his mind.  As we made progress, I began to see those mixed signals, and I was very careful to take things slowly because I knew that I was on shaky ground.  By taking this very slowly, we were able to reconnect and make lasting changes that actually helped us save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some folks are pleasantly surprised with how their marital separation is shaping up. Many had braced themselves for the worst and were afraid that the separation would actually lead to a divorce. So the fact that things have improved can be a huge relief. But it can also leave you with more questions than answers.

As an example, a wife might say: “ I fought my husband tooth and nail about getting a separation. I was so scared of allowing him to move out. But he insisted and said I could choose between a separation and a divorce. So I really had no choice. I suspected that things were going to get even worse between us because of my fear and my resentment. But, much to my surprise, things have actually improved. In fact, we actually get along much better since he moved out. He seems to look forward to seeing me, and he appreciates me more. Our relationship has actually become fun again, and we’re flirting up a storm. But I’m left wondering how I should proceed. I’m thrilled we’re connecting again, but obviously, we can’t go on like this forever. Eventually, he will have to move back home, and I’m afraid that once he does, things are going to be back to the way they were and that our dull, damaged marriage is going to return. What is the best way to proceed when your marriage is actually better since you’ve separated?”

This is not an uncommon question. People often assume that a separation is just the first step on the path to a divorce, but this is most certainly not the case. Plenty of people actually see an improvement in their relationship, and some of those couples even end up saving their marriage. But, if you are one of the lucky couples seeing this type of improvement, it’s important that you don’t move too quickly and that you capitalize on the improvements that you are seeing. Below, I’ll offer some tips on how to best handle this situation.

Relish In Your Success, But Don’t Take This For Granted: Of course, you’re going to be thrilled that suddenly you and your spouse are connecting and flirting again. This is so much preferable to avoiding each other or constantly fighting while you’re separated.

But as good as this can feel, make sure that you realize that if you don’t make any changes to whatever caused your separation in the first place, then you run the risk of the same old problems resurfacing when you attempt to reconcile or when he moves back in.

Right now, things are probably good because you’re only focused on the chemistry and improvements between you that naturally occur when you miss one another. I don’t blame you. No one wants to dwell on their problems when things are going well. But just make sure that after you have reconnected, you eventually visit what issues brought you here in the first place.

Don’t Rush Things And Risk A Relapse: Many people will see these improvements and think that this means they should immediately get back together or that they should hurry up and ask their spouse to move back home. They don’t want to live apart from their spouse for even one more day. Here’s what you have to remember. As good as things appear to be right now, you probably shouldn’t risk knocking over your house of cards by pushing for too much too soon. You have the rest of your life to live with your spouse and participate in your marriage. So make sure that it’s right before you have him move back in.

Because, quite frankly, right now you’re likely in a bit of a honeymoon period brought about by the risk of losing each other. However, once your spouse moves back in and you try to move on as a married couple, you lose that feeling of scarcity that is helping you bond right now. So you won’t be in any hurry, and you don’t want to rush things. If things are that good between you, why not build on that rather than taking a risk before you are really sure? There is nothing wrong with continuing on as you are, especially when you are enjoying yourself so much. Your path will likely become clear at some point. But right now, you’re both enjoying yourselves and want to see more of each other, so why rock the boat early in the game? Forbidden fruit can be much sweeter, so I often advise couples to savor this for as long as they can because doing so will often help a lot in their recovery.

Make Sure Things Are As Good And As Clear As They Can Possibly Be Before One Of You Moves Back In: Your real goal should be to set it up so that when the two of you move back in together and make a go of it as a married couple again, you are giving yourself the best chance of success. So don’t gloss over the real issues or allow your trouble areas to lie in wait. When your relationship is strong enough to withstand it, explore these issues in positive ways. Hopefully, the bonding and reconnecting that you have been doing will make your problems seem much smaller and therefore more manageable. And often, when you are getting along so well, you can approach the problematic issues in a more playful and light-hearted way so that you really can solve them and move on for good.

I’d like to make one final point. Remember that you are in a good situation. Many couples actually regress or fight more when they are separated. So the fact that you aren’t is a wonderful thing, and it allows you a wonderful opportunity to enjoy and relish this time without rushing or worrying.

How do I know this?  Because I made the mistake of rushing things in my own separation and this made my job so much harder.  When I finally got my husband to be receptive to me again, I took it super slow so that he was the one who was asking me to move back home.  This made a huge difference in our ability to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I receive a good deal of emails from wives who tell me that they don’t think that they love their husbands anymore, or that they love their husbands but are not “in love” with them.  Some of them will bluntly admit that they don’t find their husband attractive anymore.  Common reasons are things like weight gain, hair loss, and aging. Many wives ask me how they can continue going through the motions when they really just aren’t happy.  Many have kids and feel very selfish for even thinking these types of thoughts about their children’s father.

This is a tough situation, and the despair that you’re feeling can often cause you to do or say things that you may later regret.  It can also take the joy out of things that might otherwise bring you happiness or peace.  But, before you throw up your hands or throw in the towel, you should know that I firmly believe that there are definite ways to bring the love back in a marriage back which should at least be tried before you do anything drastic.  I’ll discuss these in the following article.

What Makes Today Different Than Yesterday?: Often, I will ask these women what first attracted them to their husbands. This is often not very hard to recall, and most have very specific and quick answers.  They’ll tell me it was his sense of humor, his sensitivity, the way that he took care of them, or the chemistry between them.  (Interestingly, although some mention physical attributes like his fit body or his beautiful eyes, this is not typically where they will focus.) Once they have their list of positive attributes (which are unique to each person but are often startlingly similar for most), I’ll ask them what has changed.  I’ll ask if suddenly their husband isn’t funny, or is no longer sensitive, or has totally lost every quality that used to attract them.

Some of them will try to tell me of a specific event that has happened, but most, after thinking about it for a second or with some gentle prompting, will have to admit that their husbands could not have changed that much. Some will say it is they who have changed, but some will actually begin to understand (and rightly so) that it’s the circumstances that have changed.

The Changing Times: Kids, Jobs, And Other Things That Drain Feelings Of Being “In Love” And Dampen Attraction: Once you’ve defined the attributes that attracted you to your husband, ask yourself how often you get a chance to see these things.  Because I’d be willing to bet that you were seeing them quite regularly when you were dating, and this reinforced your strong feelings about this guy.  However, today, if you’re at all typical, then the reality is quite different.

You don’t get to see his funny side because every day is filled with obligations that make this difficult. Today, you have kids and jobs and obligations that you could not have even fathomed when you first met this person.  This is normal and not your fault, but think about how these things choke out your ability to see all of the good things that would contribute to loving feelings.

And, think for just a second how much time you spent nurturing those feelings and generating them when you were dating.  You likely didn’t do many chores or monotonous types of things in the beginning.  You had fun.  You planned romantic outings where you weren’t much worried about the car or the house payment, and the result was that nothing else mattered except for him.

Yes, the reality of today is quite different, and therefore so are the feelings.  You can’t expect to go from regular romantic encounters that feed and nurture your relationship to having these things be quite scarce and yet expecting the same feeling to remain and to be just as strong.  This is just not logical, and yet this is exactly what most of us expect, or at least hope for.  We want to feel exactly the same way.  We want the electricity and the spark and the curling of our toes, and yet we just don’t put in the time and the effort and are surprised and disappointed when we get different results.

Falling Back In Love With Your Husband: Hopefully, if you’ve read this far, you entertain that my arguments might have some merit.  But how do you begin to change things? You take it one step at a time.  Things didn’t get this way overnight, and they won’t heal overnight.  But a small effort can make a large difference that becomes cumulative, so that eventually, your feelings will be quite a bit different from what they are today.

Start by just beginning to put in more time in more ways that are enjoyable but are not drudgery.  When was the last time you spontaneously touched your husband just because you wanted him to know that you were there and were with him? When was the last time the two of you laughed so hard you couldn’t catch your breath? When was the last time you gave him a knowing glance because you knew exactly what he was thinking?

This is where you want to return to, and you start by being the kind of spouse that you want him to be.  Listen when he talks. Let him know you have his back. Lighten his load.  Make him laugh. Make alone time together your highest priority. Talk about something other than the kids or the house.  Set things up so that you aren’t distracted by everyday life.  Have romantic dates and outings that are just meant to connect you. Show him the best version of yourself that he saw when you were dating.

All of these things will generate good feelings and will bring you closer to where you want to be.  It won’t happen overnight, but over time, it can happen. And, isn’t it worth the effort? Don’t you deserve to feel the same happiness that you used to feel? In truth, the ingredients are still there.  You are both still present. It’s the circumstances that have changed.  So, it’s high time to change the circumstances.

It was my husband who had “fallen out of love” with me (although I wasn’t all that excited by him either, sometimes. In truth, I no longer liked him all that much, even though I wouldn’t admit it.) Eventually, it dawned on me that if I started by changing myself, I might be able to turn things around. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love but to save our marriage. You can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/.

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By: Leslie Cane: Many folks are very committed to sticking things out in their marriage. Sometimes, they have children, and they are vowing to stay together for their kids’ sake. Other times, they believe that marriage is forever, and they are not about to break those vows, no matter what happens. These are honorable ideals, and I truly respect those who operate under them.

However, as honorable as these people are, they sometimes struggle with their resolve, especially if their feelings for their spouse are in question or aren’t exactly clear.

Here’s an example: “Before I even tell you my story, I need to be clear that I do not want a divorce. I am never going to break my marriage vows and end my marriage. But I’m not sure if I still love my husband. Actually, I’m not sure if I ever did love him. He was my high school boyfriend, and marriage just seemed like the logical next step. However, sometimes today I will look at him and realize that I’m essentially staring at a stranger. We don’t have anything in common anymore. We never do anything fun together. I certainly don’t light up when I see him. When he wants to have sex, I make excuses because I don’t necessarily want to have sex with him. So our marriage, and my life, isn’t all that happy right now. But since I don’t want a divorce, I’m stuck wondering if this is as good as it’s ever going to get. Sometimes, I think I should just cultivate my own happiness outside of my husband and my marriage. But then I think that I’m not even giving him a chance to make things better. What should you do when you definitely don’t want a divorce, but you also may not love your spouse?”

These are difficult questions. No one should have to live their life feeling that they are trapped or that their situation will never get any better. And, everyone deserves to love and be loved. However, I didn’t think that this wife’s situation was a permanent one. In other words, since she was so committed to remaining married, nothing said her marriage had to remain loveless, which I will explain below.

Sometimes When You Think That You Don’t Love Your Spouse, What You Really Don’t Love Is Your Situation Or The Life That You Are Living: I’m not saying that this was the case in this particular situation. But sometimes, we look around and find ourselves in a rut, and the most convenient and sensible person to blame is our spouse.

Sometimes, we realize that our life isn’t what we thought it was going to be.  And then we wonder if perhaps we’d taken another path, or chosen someone else, if we might ultimately be happier. But here’s the thing. This kind of “what if” game will only keep you stuck and make you miserable.

The wife in this situation was adamant that she didn’t want a divorce. That was a given. So she was going to have to find a way to stay within her marriage and to be happy. It’s not acceptable to resign yourself to a long-term sentence of being unhappy. Since divorce was off the table, the most logical thing to do was to find a way to be happy with her husband. I realize that she didn’t know if she loved him. But here’s something about love that people often don’t know or won’t tell you. Love or feeling like you are in love is often the direct result of your circumstances and effort, which I will discuss right now.

Whether Or Not You Are Right In Your Assessment That You Don’t Love Your Spouse, Loving Feelings Can And Do Return With Concentrated Efforts: I have to be honest. When people tell me that they aren’t sure if they love their spouse, this doesn’t concern me as much as you might think. It’s very common for people to say this when they are at a crossroads in their life or are finding themselves in circumstances where they are just not happy.

Often, if you ask these folks the last time they went on a date with their spouse or cleared their calendars to take a few days away, they struggle with these details because they and their spouse have gotten into the habit of not prioritizing themselves or their marriage.

I’m not going to tell you that you can magically love your spouse again by just making the decision to do so. It’s not this easy. But often, if you shift your thinking, shuffle your priorities and hyper-focus on your spouse and your marriage, you will often also notice a shift in your feelings.

I got an overview of this wife’s situation, and she and her husband both had very stressful jobs and two children. They were constantly juggling a million different things, which took its toll on their marriage. However, the wife was very clear on the fact that her husband was a good, caring, and loving man to whom she was committed to remaining married.

So nothing said that she couldn’t use her admirable commitment to her marriage to fuel her determination to make her marriage a happy one again. Because in the beginning, this couple used to be very happy. Yes, they got married young. But they did so because they were in love. And the early years of their marriage were happy ones.

I asked the wife to commit to placing much of her spare time (that she had been spending by herself seeking her own happiness) with her husband. I asked her to be spontaneous and open and to try to see what was right with him and with her marriage rather than seeing what was wrong.

Because I strongly suspected that when she did this, she was going to find her feelings of love for her husband coming back. The wife had admitted that their happiest times were before they had responsibilities and children. This is true for so many couples. It’s wonderful that we are such committed parents, and we clear our calendars because of our obligations to our children. But, children need to grow up with happy parents who demonstrate what a good, mutual, and loving marriage looks like because your children are going to use your marriage as an example on which to mirror their own.

So rather than resigning yourself to a marriage that will last but will not be loving, romantic, or truly happy, make a commitment to giving it more of the things that you perceive it lacks.

It was actually my husband (and not me) who had fallen out of love in my marriage.  I wasn’t all that thrilled with him either, but I was still committed to my marriage. Eventually, it dawned on me that the tactics I was using to get him to love me again were not working. Luckily, I was able to change course and return the intimacy and affection. You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people have a hard time giving up on or letting go of their husbands. This can be true even if a separation or divorce is imminent or is actually happening. And when I get these types of correspondence, it always brings back memories for me because I was in this situation, looking at a husband who I knew didn’t want to be with me, when I knew in my heart that I never, ever wanted to be without him.

Someone might explain: “My husband asked for a separation about six months ago. At first, I hoped that this would just be a temporary situation and that he would decide to come back within a few weeks or at most a few months. But, actually, things got worse. He started becoming more and more distant, and he answered my calls less and less. The,n a few weeks ago, he told me that he was seeking a divorce. So, now it’s pretty clear that he is asking me to let him go on a permanent level. I am not sure that I can do that. Intellectually, I know that he can file papers to end our marriage, and that will mean that we are no longer legally married and that I have no claim to him. But, in my heart, I feel like he will always be mine, and I’m not sure if I will ever be able to let him go. My friends say that none of this is fair to me. They say that if he doesn’t want me, the best thing that I can do is to find someone who does. I understand why they are concerned. And I know that they are right. So why can’t I let go of my husband?”

This sentiment brought back so many memories for me. I sometimes think that people have the mistaken conception that if you just decide to let your husband or your marriage go, or you try hard enough, then this is all that is needed. Things just aren’t that simple when you are talking about love and the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life. Still, there are some common reasons that you might be having trouble letting him go. I will list some of them below.

It’s Too Soon: Sometimes people expect too much of themselves far too soon. It had only been a couple of months after the separation and a couple of weeks after the husband announced that he wanted a divorce. The wife hadn’t had a lot of time to process this, much less to grieve. Accept that this is a process that very well may take some time. Sometimes, things don’t progress as fast as you might like, but don’t beat yourself up for this.

There is no set timeline for letting go. And quite frankly, if I hadn’t saved my marriage, I have no problem admitting that I might never have let my husband go. I would’ve had to move on, and I am confident I would have done just that. But moving on and letting go are two different things.

He’s Sending Mixed Or Confusing Signals That Give You Hope: Many times when wives tell me that they can’t let go, one of the reasons that this is the case is because the husband is sending mixed signals, whether he intends to or not. In this case, the wife admitted that a few weeks before he asked for a divorce, she and her husband had gone out and exchanged some flirtatious behavior. Of course, the wife got her hopes up that this new interest would lead to them getting back together. And she was confused as to how he could just turn his feelings off and on. Often, wives who can’t let go see and hear contradictions that make them question what their husband is truly feeling or what he really wants. And they are left thinking that if the feelings are there, why can’t the marriage be there too? This leads me to my next point.

You Worry That There Are Things You Didn’t Say Or Try That Might Have Made A Difference In Saving Your Marriage: Sometimes, when wives have a hard time letting their husband or their marriage go, it’s because, deep in their hearts, they worry that there is a door that remained unopened. In other words, they worry that they didn’t try every single thing that might have worked, or that they didn’t do everything in their power to save their marriage. Maybe they were afraid of rejection or of looking stupid, so they kept quiet when they should have said something. Or maybe they haven’t yet tried counseling. Or maybe they waited for their husband to make the first move when they themselves should have taken a chance. Whatever the specific reason, many wives can’t let go because they still have doubts and regret that they didn’t pull out all the stops. So they are left wondering “what if,” and this can make closure quite difficult.

So what happens if you find yourself in this situation? Well, you have a choice. You can attempt to right these wrongs and say or do what you need to say or do today.  Or you can call it a day and move on.  I can’t promise you that speaking up will make any difference in your situation or might save your marriage. But you will never know unless you try. And once you do, at least you will know that you did everything that you could, and this might help you with closure.

I’d like to make one last point. Frankly, nothing says that you have to let him go. There’s no law against holding on in your own heart. Yes, for your own well-being and health, you’ll want to move on when the time is right. But in your own heart, there might still be a place for him, and I think that this is OK, as long as this doesn’t keep you from living your life.

In my own case, I’m actually glad I didn’t give up on my husband because it meant that much later, I was able to save my marriage. But even if this had not been possible, there would have always been a place in my heart for him. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are dealing with a separation that wasn’t their idea and, deep down, they are opposed to it. They are hoping to get the separation over with as soon as possible so that they can get on with the business of saving their marriage.

Because of our challenging economy, many couples decide not to live apart while they are separated. Many decide to wait until they have decided whether or not they are going to divorce before making any decision regarding who is moving out and when. And while many of the couples don’t have much of a choice about still living together during the marital or trial separation, they worry if it is the right or best thing to do.

Here’s an example: “For the past several months, my husband has been telling me that he is unhappy with our marriage and he wants to explore a separation. I didn’t want the separation, but what was I supposed to do? We can’t afford for him to get an apartment while he is trying to sort out his feelings. So he wants to continue to live together while we are separated. When I told my mother about this, she said that it was a crazy idea. She said that he will have no incentive to end the separation if we are still living together. He won’t be able to miss me or long for me or see what he is missing while he chooses to live alone. She offered to let me stay with her during the separation. Is she right? Is it OK to continue to live with your spouse when you are separated? Is it a good idea? The idea of living with my mother doesn’t appeal to me in the least.”

Consider The Pros Of Cons Of Living Together During The Separation: There isn’t one definitive answer to these questions. But there are some pros and cons of continuing to live together during your separation.

On the plus side, when you continue to live together, you don’t have to worry about luring your husband back home. You may not realize what a great advantage this is, but many wives have a very difficult time getting their husbands back home once they have left. You are potentially able to avoid this obstacle if he remains in your home.

Another plus is that you have more access to your husband. You will have an easier time communicating and reconnecting with him than you would if he were living somewhere else. Also, psychologically speaking, many people tell me that the separation does not feel as final or as extreme when the couple is still living together.

Finally, you can’t ignore the monetary aspect of this. Supporting a whole additional household when you aren’t sure if you’re staying together or not can be quite expensive. You could spend that money on counseling, going somewhere fun together to reconnect, or on many other things.

With all of these things said, there can be some cons to living together while separated. The first is that this wife’s mother had a valid point. Being apart can encourage people to miss one another and to no longer take one another for granted. When something is scarce, it is just human nature to want it more. This can work to your advantage when you’re separated and trying to save your marriage.

Another con to consider is that it can be very difficult to give your spouse the “space” that is often requested during a separation when you are still living with them. People often contact me because they are very frustrated that their spouse is not respecting their need for space. I can understand both points of view. Because unless you are going to split the house right down the middle, this situation can be difficult to navigate.

Finally, I find that people who have an in-house separation are less likely to seek help or resources that might aid them in saving their marriage because the situation doesn’t seem as immediate to them as it might if they were living apart from their spouse. It’s risky to forego the help that might actually be the difference in saving your marriage.

Tips For Making Your  Separation More Successful If One Of You Isn’t Moving Out: So now that you’ve read through the pros and cons, you may be asking yourself what is the best course of action. This is only my opinion, but I feel that the live-in separation can and does work when it is navigated correctly.

It is important that you give the space that has been asked for. It’s equally important that your spouse has the chance to miss you and to feel that scarcity. I felt that in this case, it might be a good idea for this wife to stay with her mom, but only for a little while.  The right time frame is just long enough to give her husband the chance to miss her and want her to come home. If she were resistant to this, she could always move into another room of their house and respect her husband’s privacy, but this is sometimes easier said than done.

I cannot stress enough that you should take the separation seriously and do whatever you can to find resources or the help that is going to give you the tools to save your marriage. Just waiting for things to blow over or hoping that your husband changes his mind is not always going to be good enough. Be very proactive and remain positive. Give yourself every chance to succeed without being overly afraid of failure. Remember that you are still married and still have the opportunity to live together. These are both positive things. You just have a little work to do. So don’t hesitate to get started so that your marriage will be back on track as soon as possible.

My own husband was not receptive to living at home during our separation.  It might have saved us a lot of time and aggravation if he had.  We did save our marriage, but not without a lot of turmoil and wasted time.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By:  Leslie Cane: Many people are uncomfortable about (or impatient with) the marriage-saving process. Often, they aren’t seeing the progress that they expected. And sometimes, they think that the whole process is taking way too long, considering the disappointing results.  Many are dangerously close to giving up, due to their frustrations fueled by impatience.

A wife might explain: “My husband and I have been trying to save our marriage for about six months. At first, we tried to improve things on our own. Things would seem to get better for a while, but then we would find ourselves in the same old patterns with the same old problems. So we eventually tried counseling. Honestly, I had hoped that our results would be better. We seem to keep rehashing the same things with very few changes or improvements. I hadn’t expected this process to be so slow. It’s like a snail’s pace, and I’m not sure how much longer I can stand it. The counselor isn’t cheap, and sometimes I feel as if she drags it out to make more money off of us. Sometimes, I feel like maybe we should just call it quits and admit that we tried very hard, but we just couldn’t make our marriage work. For how long do most couples try to work on or save their marriage? Because I’m starting to feel like we are hanging on for too long.”

These are difficult questions to answer. Some couples will keep trying for as long as it takes to save their marriage, and they don’t stop until they are successful in creating the marriage that they want. And other couples do not have the patience to keep trying without some improvement or payoff. Others chose to believe that their problems are just too big to overcome. However, other couples in the exact same situation would not see the problems as insurmountable. So it often depends upon the personalities and the commitment levels of the spouses, as well as the marital issues that they are trying to overcome.

Personally, I don’t think that any amount of time is too long to try to save your marriage. You’re talking about spending the rest of your life with this person. So if you need to put in the time to make it right, I don’t think that this is too much to ask.

However, with that said, I do understand that there are times when the pace can feel excruciating. This can be especially true when you are paying a lot of money for something that isn’t really working or when you feel as if you are doing all the giving and your spouse is doing all of the taking. So, below, I will offer some tips on how to handle it if you’re losing your patience with trying to work on or save your marriage.

What To Do When You’re Losing Your Patience When Trying To Save Your Marriage Or Are Worried That The Process Is Taking Too Long: I find that people who question the length of time or the cost of the process tend to deep down be worried that the whole thing isn’t going to work or that their marriage can’t be saved so what is the point of all of the time and money, anyway?

Unfortunately, your thoughts can influence your reality, so if you are having these questioning thoughts, ask yourself what isn’t working in the process of saving your marriage. Sometimes, when you dread going to counseling, you are not open to the process. There are times when finding the right counselor can make all the difference. Plenty of people are able to save their marriages without counseling, though. And then there are others who will tell you that, without a doubt, this professional help made saving their marriage possible. There really is no right or wrong strategy. But there may be a strategy that is more or less right for you and for your marriage.

I often have people tell me that they feel as if they are doing all of the work and their spouse is just along for the ride or isn’t really trying to the best of their ability. If this is the case, speak up rather than just continuing to be frustrated or feeling slighted.

People sometimes tell me that they continue to fight over the same old issues with no resolution, and that they don’t know how much longer they can continue to go around in circles. If this is the case, vow not to continue to do this. See if you and your spouse can agree to disagree or just vow to move forward with reconnecting while putting at least some of the issues on the back burner for the time being.

Sometimes, your problems can weigh you down so much that it’s a struggle to even put one foot in front of the other. And when you are placing most of your focus on these problems, then the frustration is sometimes magnified. You feel as if things are never ever going to get better. That’s why it’s sometimes advisable to shelf the problems for a little while and just focus on bonding with your spouse and looking at what is right rather than always dwelling on what is wrong.

Because the truth is that it can take a good while to save your marriage. You are building a new and stronger foundation that will stand up to the challenges that you face. So it makes sense to make the process one that is actually pleasurable and fun rather than painful. If you are sitting there curling your toes or clenching your fists during the process, then ask yourself what the major source of the stress is. And then try to work around it or shelf it until you feel better able to cope with it.

Nothing says that this needs to be an excruciating process. It shouldn’t be. And if you are asking yourself how much longer it is going to last or whether you have held on too long, then perhaps it’s time to consider changing or tweaking your approach. There is nothing wrong with experimenting with different things until you are happy with the process.

Honestly, I thought that my husband and I tried to make our marriage work for far too long.  Things never seemed to get any better until one day he left.   It wasn’t until I changed my outlook and my strategy that things improved, and we eventually saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some wives have read that it’s best to remain calm when their husband is asking for or saying that he wants a divorce. The reason for this is that your panic can cause you to do or say all the wrong things and to make the divorce that much more likely. This makes sense on the surface. Saying that you should remain calm is easy. But actually doing it can be very difficult, if not impossible. When what you fear the most is staring you right in the face, it can be very difficult to rein in your feelings.

One of these wives might ask: “I know that I should be calm and shouldn’t panic, but this is a divorce that we are talking about. This is my life. This is my marriage. We are talking about the heart and not about our heads. How are you supposed to remain calm when the man that you love most in the world, and the father of your children, is telling you that he wants a divorce? I want to keep my cool, but I just don’t see how I can.”

Believe it or not, I intimately understand this topic. I was anything but calm when my own husband told me he wanted a separation. And I fully realize that I am advising you to be calm when I myself was anything but. With that said, my inability to remain calm meant that I panicked. As a result, I acted in such a way that made my husband want to divorce me that much more quickly. My feelings toward and advice about remaining level-headed is the direct result of the mistakes I made that almost cost me my marriage. However, changing course wasn’t easy, especially since I had gotten into the habit of overreaching. But, through trial, error, and the knowledge that I had to change or lose my husband, I found some ways to calm myself down. I will share them with you below.

Keep Yourself Busy With Things You Actually Enjoy: You are going to feel the void of your husband more deeply if you dwell on it in a house where he is not present. I know that you might feel as if you just want to stay home and look at wedding photos while listening to your song. But if you do these things, you’re likely to be negatively affected by this and be inspired to do something that you might later regret.

It truly is best to keep yourself busy so you don’t have the time to dwell on something to which you don’t yet know the outcome. A divorce isn’t granted overnight. You may not have endless time, but you often have some time. If you spend that time nagging, following, or arguing with your husband, you aren’t going to help your cause very much.

But if you spend that time remaining busy and doing the things that allow you to act and respond more positively, then this is very likely to help your cause. Many wives do understand this on an intellectual level, but then, when it comes down to actually calming down and backing up, they don’t know where to start.

You start with what generally brings you happiness. Those friends, hobbies, and places that you have always loved but which you were too busy and too occupied to pay attention to before. Surround yourself with the people, places, and things that bring you some sort of comfort or peace. Doing this will accomplish many things for you, one of which just may be improving your interactions with your husband because you are calmer when you approach him.

Don’t Feel That Every Response Or Next Action Needs To Be Immediate: When you are counting your marriage by the day, it is understandable that you are going to feel rushed. However, many wives make the mistake of allowing this to make them feel as if everything about this situation is so immediate. So, if their husband sends them a questionable text or email, they will hit respond and fire off an overly emotional or even nasty response before they even have a chance to think about it. Always give yourself enough time to make the best decision. Don’t appear so desperate and so invested that you can’t even allow a few minutes to go by before you respond.

You actually want to slow the pace of this whole process down rather than speed it up. And taking some time to think through what you are going to do or say will often make your message much more appropriate and well-received. Don’t be carried away due to limited time constraints. Take a breath and slow down.

Don’t Always Assume The Worst Case Scenario: Many wives assume that their husband’s exit from their lives is a done deal. It’s not uncommon for people to get back together before the divorce is final. It’s not even all that uncommon for people to remarry after their divorce is final. You never really know what tomorrow brings. Things may look bad or even dire right now, but the future may pleasantly surprise you.

Often, if you can take the calm, rational, and helpful approach, you will find that your husband will follow your lead. Sometimes, he will even pause and wonder what brought about your change in attitude. Sometimes, this even means he reaches out to you or tries to spend more time with you to see what is behind this. These are all very positive things.

I know that being calm in the face of a divorce is a very difficult thing for anyone to ask. But if you think about it rationally. What is the alternative? To freak out and do or say things that are only going to make this situation worse? Make your husband think that you are overly emotional, unstable, or not pleasant to be around so that he can’t divorce you fast enough? You don’t want any of these things, of course. And calming down can be a low price to pay for slowing the pace and eventually improving your situation.

If you have to, you can create some physical distance. In my own case, I went home and visited my parents and my old friends. This changed my state of mind, and my husband was able to see this. Not only that, but he became curious about the changes he was seeing. And this was the beginning of my turning things around and saving my marriage. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people aren’t sure which direction they want to take with their troubled marriage. Often, on the one hand, they realize that things have gotten bad. They often wonder if things are so bad that nothing they say or do is going to make a difference. And a tiny part of them wonders if they are going to be happier remaining married or if things would be better if they would just let go.   This is a tough call, since you don’t know what to expect when you venture out on your own.  Will you be lonely and less happy alone? Or will it be a relief to let go?

An example: “For the last six months, I have been moving further and further away from my husband. Our marriage had been struggling for some time. I didn’t intend or consciously decide that we should start living separate lives. It just kind of happened. I started going out with my friends more. I became active on Facebook. I started staying late after work and socializing. And I’m finding that there is a part of me that is embracing my new life. However, the other day, my husband saw where someone had tagged a photo of me with my friends on Facebook. My husband saw it, and it really hurt him. He sat me down and asked me if I wanted out of our marriage. I didn’t know how to respond. My husband is very direct about wanting to save our marriage. But I am not sure if I feel the same. I can’t help but notice how much I am enjoying the little bit of freedom that I’ve begun to demand. But at the same time, every time I think about ending my marriage, I start to get flooded with memories of when we were happy. I miss those times. I still have loving feelings toward my husband sometimes. But when I think of saving my marriage, I think about the end of my new life, and I am torn. So how do I know what I really feel? How do I know for sure if I want to save my marriage?”

I actually hear from a lot of people who have conflicting feelings about saving their marriages. Sometimes, these conflicting feelings are at least partly due to conceptions that they have about the process of saving their marriage (and these conceptions often turn out to be untrue.) Sometimes, these folks just aren’t sure if they will be happier in their marriage or more content alone.  While I can’t answer these questions for you, I can give you some things to think about, which I will do below.

The Fact That You Are Having Conflicting Thoughts About Saving Your Marriage Can Be Important: I have to tell you that people who have ended their marriage in healthy ways generally do not have this type of indecision. For many people, it is completely obvious and clear that their marriage is over and that even though they did everything in their power to save it, they have now come to the endgame. They typically are quite at peace with this decision because they know that they saw it through until there were no more paths to pursue.

Because there isn’t nearly as much confusion, there often isn’t much anger, jealousy, or sadness either. It’s a pretty cut and dried process when you’re sure that your marriage has come to a natural end.

But, if you have not yet reached this point, then perhaps you want to ask yourself why. Do you still have loving feelings for your spouse that you just can’t turn off? Do you worry that you haven’t yet tried everything that you could to save it, including counseling, or being honest with yourself, or saying the things that you want to say without fearing rejection?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then perhaps exploring these issues would give you more peace of mind.

My rule of thumb is always that if you aren’t sure if your marriage is over, then it likely isn’t. Because if you were at the final phase of your marriage, you would likely know it. But questions usually mean that there are some issues with which you haven’t yet achieved closure.  And sometimes, addressing those same issues could transform or save your marriage.

Examine the Conceptions You Have About Saving Your Marriage and Ask Yourself If They Could Be Incorrect: Many people who aren’t sure if they want to save their marriage have some doubts that they are experiencing because they are reluctant about the reconciliation or marriage-saving process.

If you asked these folks to describe what saving their marriage would entail, they would often tell you they are afraid that they will have to undergo painful counseling, or embarrassing conversations, or concessions so unfair that they strip their individuality and ideals. None of these things need to be true. The wife in this situation was so afraid that saving her marriage meant she had to just give up her newfound happiness and social life. It most certainly did not. She could continue to see her friends on her own if she liked, as long as she also made time for her husband. And there was always the option of including him. Quite frankly, having your own life, your own friends, and your own hobbies can actually improve your marriage because you come into it as a happier and complete person.

If this perception is keeping you from trying to save your marriage, ask yourself if it would be worth it to see the process for yourself rather than assuming the worst-case scenario. You might be pleasantly surprised. Many people actually tell me that they are glad that they took a chance and didn’t give up on their marriage. Because they actually find that saving it ended up being the right choice for them, because they are happier than they suspected, and the process turned out to be not quite as hard as they had feared.

In my own situation, it was my husband who didn’t know if he wanted to save our marriage.  I had to show him that the process was not as difficult or as painful as he thought, and this made a great deal of difference.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read the emotional story of how I saved my marriage on my blog on http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, panicked wives are in one of two situations: Either their husband has informed them that he has filed divorce papers. Or, the wife knows that he has filed them because she has been served with a copy. Most of the wives who contact me do not want a divorce. They are hoping with everything that they have that their husband will somehow change his mind. Many ask for my help in ensuring that this is going to happen. And many want to know their chances or odds for success.

Someone might say, “Three weeks ago, my husband admitted that he had seen an attorney and was going to file for a divorce. I begged him not to do that. I told him we could go to counseling or recommit to our marriage. And things seemed to improve a little between us. That’s why I was so shocked to be visited by a process server at my job who handed me divorce papers. I immediately called my husband and begged him to change his mind. He admitted that he still loved me, but he insisted that he just doesn’t think our marriage will make it. I know if he would hear me out and give me a chance, we could make things work. How many men change their minds after filing for divorce? Is this a lost cause?”

I certainly don’t think that it’s always a lost cause. In preparation for this article, I tried to see if I could find any statistics that might help me answer this question. I didn’t find anything that gave me any specific numbers. I believe the reason for this is probably that legal professionals likely only keep track of divorces that actually go through, not those that don’t. And, even if there were a way to track divorces that don’t end up being final, it’s probably not always clear which spouse changed their mind.

I don’t think that it’s rare to hear back from happy wives who report that their husband did indeed change his mind, or at least agreed to mediation or a delay before making things final. So, it most certainly is not impossible. However, being fair and balanced, some wives are unable to change their husbands’ minds, which has seemingly been made up.  There are couples who get back together and remarry after a final divorce, so this is not out of the question either. Sometimes when I tell wives this, they ask me what they can do to increase the chances that their husband will change his mind about the divorce. I have a definite opinion on this, which I will share with you now.

Things That Might Increase The Chances That Your Husband Will Change His Mind About The Divorce (Even After Filing): Before I get into those things that I see helping with this situation, I want to caution about the things that I almost universally see hurt it. When you are looking into the eyes of a divorce and the thing that you fear most is on the horizon, it’s very easy to feel desperate and to act on those feelings. Because you feel like you will do anything to keep the divorce from being final. So if you have to resort to small threats or just stopping short of begging, guilting, or shaming, then so be it. Heck, many wives have no problems playing the kid card in this situation because desperate times call for desperate measures. I understand these temptations because I experienced them myself. But they didn’t make my situation better. They made it worse.

No one likes being threatened, manipulated, or forced into feeling negative emotions. As a result, he will often pull away from you even more or feel more negatively about you when you try these things. I know that this is not what you want to hear. But it is true. Sometimes women tell me that they wore their husbands down using these methods. But guess what? The victory doesn’t last. Because he’s not really there because he wants to be. He is there because he gave in. And one day, he will realize that and want to leave or divorce again, and it will just be that much harder for the wife to pull a rabbit out of the hat all over again.

Now that we’ve covered avoiding negativity, where does that leave you? Doing just the opposite. Focusing on the positive. Conducting yourself with grace and respect. I know that this might seem crazy to you. But you want him to look at you and think that maybe he was wrong, or hasty, or both. He’s not going to do that if you are acting mean, nasty, desperate, or irrational. Make it very hard for him to dislike you or to feel defensive around you right now. In some states, there is court-mandated mediation or counseling. Use it. Make sure that every time you interact with him, you are pleasant and easy to be around. Because if you are, that will give you the best chance of him looking at you and wondering if just maybe he made a mistake.

Does this strategy work every time? I’m afraid not. But it works enough of the time that it is most certainly worth a try. Not only does it give you the best chance of getting him to change his mind, but if the divorce should go through, you have put yourself in the best position to get back together or afterward, or at least maintain a healthy relationship until he comes to his senses.

How do I know this? Because I was in this exact situation. My husband was one of those who changed his mind about the divorce. But not until things came down to the wire, and not until I made many mistakes that almost cost me my marriage. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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