Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives know that something drastic must happen in order for their marriage to be saved. They often fully realize that they are dealing with a marriage that is very damaged. And some realize that they are going to need more than just good intentions to be successful in saving their marriage. I find that wives in this situation are often very receptive to counseling. Many are willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work, but they sometimes have husbands who are not as willing and open-minded. And many wives feel so strongly about this that they will demand that their husbands go to counseling by giving him an ultimatum to do so.

One of these wives might explain: “My husband and I have so many issues to work through if we have any hope of saving our marriage. Things are so bad between us right now. I am not willing to even attempt to save our marriage without counseling. I told my husband that if he really wants for things to work between us, then he has to go to counseling with me. We have tried to fix our marriage on our own and it just does not work. He makes promises that he doesn’t keep and then I get mad at him and things just deteriorate from there. But he outright refuses to go to counseling. He says that he will not pay someone to tell him how to conduct his life. He says that if I love him and he loves me, then we are two reasonably intelligent adults that should be able to make it work without needing to pay someone a lot of money to tell us what to do. I am so fed up with this. I do want to save my marriage, but I feel like he’s not willing to do what we need to do in order to make this happen. Should I just walk away and make good on my ultimatum? Or do I give him one work chance to do the right thing and head to counseling with me?”

These were not questions to which anyone had the answers but the wife.  Only she held the answers somewhere deep inside. However, I could and did give her some things to think about, which I will share with you below.

Try To Find A Compromise Instead Of Just Walking Away: I know that the wife was frustrated, and I really couldn’t blame her. However, this situation is very common. Men are notoriously resistant to counseling not because they don’t love their wife or want to save their marriage, but because the idea of sharing their feelings with a stranger is so horrifying to them. So they are trying to find a way around this even if it means challenging you in the process.

Unfortunately, the wife had to decide if her husband’s refusal to go to counseling meant that she must now walk away from her marriage like she had threatened or if she would back off on the counseling requirement. The thing was, she felt strongly that counseling would really help them. That’s why a compromise was potentially a good solution. She might back off just a little only to approach him later when things had improved. Or, she might suggest a one-time counseling session with no commitment of future visits required as long as he went and gave it a fair chance. Another alternative is to make a deal that both people can live with. Perhaps there is something that the husband wants in the marriage. The wife could negotiate counseling for doing something for the husband in return.  That way, both people feel as if they got a fair deal.

Know That There Are Many Different Ways That Couples Save Their Marriage: I see many couples assume that there is sort of a one size fits all method of saving their marriage. Many people assume that if they don’t find and go to the right counselor, there is nothing that they can do. While I firmly believe in counseling myself, I could never get my husband to go. I did seek out help on my own. But, where our marriage was concerned, I had to use many self-help tactics and I had to move very gradually as my husband became more comfortable and receptive to the process.

Sometimes, you have to be open to whatever both people are willing to try. Forcing your husband to go to counseling while he sits there with crossed arms and a bad attitude might not be as effective as something else to which you can both agree.

I’d like to make one final point. Just because your husband is resistant to counseling now, this doesn’t mean that he will never change his mind. Many men become more receptive as things begin to improve and you show a little flexibility. Also, sometimes when men find that counseling isn’t as scary as they thought or they learn that the counselor’s sole purpose isn’t the point out what an awful spouse they are, they become more flexible as well.

The point is, his refusing counseling at one point in your lives doesn’t mean that your marriage is over. Not only are there often other ways to save it, but he will sometimes change his mind in the end.  As I alluded to, my husband never did agree to counseling.  But I did find some self-help and individual counseling that offered me support and tips so I didn’t have to go through the process alone.  As things improved between us, I was even able to tell my husband where I was getting all of my new ideas regarding our marriage.  And he was fine with that because things were definitely improving.  If it helps, you can read about some of the resources I used to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives try their very best to remain positive and upbeat during their marital or trial separation. They are doing this because they are trying to do whatever they can to increase the chances that they will be able to save their marriage. However, sometimes, despite their best efforts, their husband isn’t making things easy. Often, the wife is trying very hard to be accommodating and upbeat, while the husband is countering by being very rude.

One might say: “I know that it’s very important that I be upbeat and positive while we are separated so that my husband will still be receptive and available to me. I’m doing my very best. I am always smiling and friendly, but he does his best to act just the opposite. He’s always sullen and rude. Sometimes, when he calls to ask about our kids, he will hang up on me without saying goodbye. Once, we were at a school activity for one of our kids, and not only did he not sit by me, but he proceeded to flirt with someone else right in front of me. I’m finding it very difficult to remain upbeat when he’s being so rude. But I’m afraid if I respond in kind, then he will totally retreat and our marriage won’t stand a chance. And yet, I feel disrespected and taken advantage of. What’s the best way to handle this?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

If You Allow Him To Be Rude Without Comment Or Action, He Will Likely Keep Right On Acting In The Same Way: I really commend this wife for remaining upbeat when the husband was being so rude. And she was right in her assumption that it’s important to try to keep a positive attitude in order to expect the best resolution. However, when your husband is not only not receptive, but he’s also doing his very best to counter with his own rudeness, you might need to take some action of your own.

Because if you continue to remain upbeat even when he’s being combative, he may begin to think that it’s perfectly acceptable to treat this way and you can look like a doormat, which isn’t all that attractive and doesn’t help your cause.

How To Respond If You’re Husband’s Being Rude During The Separation: If you respond with your own rudeness, you run the risk of making things worse. The relationship could quickly turn sour and you could greatly diminish your chances for a reconciliation.

So, to me, a better strategy is to retreat somewhat. Remain positive but don’t be so available. For example, the next time the husband called, the wife might immediately say that the children needed her attention, and then sign off with something like “well, I know you’re busy, so I’ll talk to you later.” In that way, she wasn’t giving him the opportunity to hang up on her. Or, the next time they attended a school outing, she might take the initiative to sit somewhere else without waiting and following his lead. Eventually, the husband would likely ask the wife why she had changed her stance toward him. At that time, she could respond with something like: “well, you’ve made it obvious that you wanted to keep things strictly business between us and I’m trying to respect that. It’s clear to me that you don’t have much interest in communicating with me outside of the kids. So, for the kids’ sake, I’m trying to follow your lead and not to push. I don’t want to create more conflict. You know where I am when you’re ready to be more receptive or you change your mind. But until then, what’s the point in pushing you? It’s hurtful to me and the kids when you’re combative toward me. And that’s not like you, so I figure you have your reasons and that hopefully, you will work things out. Until then, I’m laying low. I hope you change your attitude and your behavior toward me because you know that I want to work things out. But until then, I’m giving you your space.”

Do you see where you’re going with this conversation? You aren’t having a nasty confrontation about his rudeness. But you are drawing his attention to it. And you’re calling him on his behavior while letting him know that you won’t allow it to continue. However, you are giving him an open invitation to reach out to you again when he decides to end his rude behavior.

There’s one more point I’d like to make. A husband being rude during a separation doesn’t always mean that he won’t eventually want to get back together or that he doesn’t love you. It could be a good indication of his frustration level with this entire situation. It’s probably not a lot of fun for him to have to ask about his children over the phone or to see them so sparingly. Yes, this situation is his own doing as he wanted the separation, but often he doesn’t realize this at the time because he is so wrapped up in the frustration of the moment. Sometimes, if you call him on his behavior and have some patience, you’ll see some marked improvement. When you do, move slowly so that you don’t expect too much too soon.

My husband was sometimes downright rude and cold toward me during our separation.  At first, this made me cling even more.  But after I educated myself on strategy, I decided it would help my cause to back off.  Once I did, my husband became interested in me again and this allowed me to try a whole new strategy.  You can read about the strategy that worked to save my marriage on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many devastated wives are still reeling from their husband’s hurtful words. Usually, the husband has just admitted that he is no longer in love with his wife. Sometimes, he will insist that, although he loves them, he is careful to make the distinction that he’s not “in love.” This can leave the wife not only hurt beyond description but also quite confused.

Here’s an example: “My husband has been hinting for months that he thinks we need to get a separation or divorce. I had hoped things would get better, so I tried not to worry about this too much. But then last night, he told me that he was going to move into an apartment close to his work. I asked him why he was taking things this far, and he said, ‘I do love you very much, but I’m no longer in love with you.’  Once I regained my composure, because I was completely in shock, I asked him how long it had been since he was in love with me. His response was, ‘I don’t know.’ Actually, I can’t remember the last time I felt that I was in love with you.’ I couldn’t even speak, I was so crushed. It’s bad enough being told that your husband isn’t in love with you. But to think that the years could have been going by without him feeling love and passion for me, well, it’s almost more than I can bear. And I think it might mean that our marriage is completely dead or beyond repair. It hurts me so much to think that when he looks at me, he’s not feeling love. I still love him so much. Does this mean that there’s no hope for us? Do husbands ever fall in love with their wives again, even if they haven’t been in love for a very long time?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Why Husbands Typically Feel That They’ve “Fallen Out Of Love” With Their Wives: I hope that I don’t come off as being insensitive. But it doesn’t stop me in my tracks when I hear a wife confess that her husband is no longer “in love” with her. Admittedly, it stopped me in my tracks and broke my heart when it was my own husband who was uttering these words. But over the years, through my blog and through my own experience, I’ve learned that husbands think they’ve fallen out of love with their wives all the time. It’s not even rare for those same husbands to eventually figure out that they were wrong about this all along, or to change their mind when they changed their circumstances or their perceptions.

There are many reasons that a man might think he’s no longer in love with his wife. He may be responding to a stale marriage (that can be reignited relatively easily). He might be going through a very trying time in his life, where he associates his wife with this stress. Or he may be approaching midlife and all that entails, so that he may want to “start over” or “make a new start,” and he feels that entails shedding his married life. Another possibility is that he may not feel appreciated, valued, or heard, so his response to your wondering if he is “in love” with you is to retaliate with the assertion that he’s not.  And any reason that your husband may have for his feelings is absolutely valid. But that doesn’t mean that he can’t and won’t change his mind given the right set of changes or nudges.

Even If Your Husband Hasn’t Been “In Love” With You For Some Time, All Hope Is Not Lost: I know that it is so painful to hear him say that he hasn’t been in love with you for a long time. It makes you wonder what else he might be keeping from you, and it makes you wonder if you’re in a situation without hope.

In my opinion and experience, you’re not. I have seen so many marriages turn around, even when one spouse absolutely believes that all the love, passion, and chemistry is gone. I’m not going to tell you that it’s an easy or short process. I’m not going to tell you that you’re not going to change at least some of your habits, perceptions, and behaviors because none of this would be true.

However, countless couples find that once they turn their focus back on their marriage and their spouse, and once they open their hearts to some changes that are long overdue, their feelings most definitely can (and often do) change as well.

Here’s something that might make you feel a lot better, but which you may not have considered. Think about your circumstances when you were most “in love.” You were likely in the very early stages of your relationship, where you both were your most attentive, complimentary, and reactive. In other words, you made huge efforts to listen and react when your spouse spoke because you were very invested in the relationship and in making your spouse happy. The energy and effort levels were probably higher than they have ever been. They key in bringing back the feelings of being  “in love”  is to bring back some of the attention and effort.

I promise you that if you place your priority on listening to, appreciating, and validating your spouse, you are going to find their attitude and behaviors toward you shifting. And, when this happens in your own marriage, your husband will see you in a new light, and he will be more open to feeling all those feelings toward you that he has been pushing down. As he is more receptive to you and he begins to believe that you are sincere and that your marriage actually can change, it is much more likely that his feelings are going to follow suit.

As a matter of fact, it’s not at all rare for me to hear back from some of the wives whose husbands were telling them that he was no longer in love, only to hear that he has completely changed his tune and is committed to the marriage and to reconnecting. I know his claims to not in love with you are upsetting and hurtful. But know that, with the right plan, this can change.

My own husband told me that he wasn’t “in love” with me before we separated.  But today, he tells me that he loves me all the time.  The difference between these two periods in our marriage lies in the time and attention that we invested back into it.  I fully believe that if you change your behaviors, habits, and perceptions, it is likely that you will fall in love all over again.  If it helps, you can read about how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many panicked wives are dealing with husbands who have just announced that they want a separation. Many are strongly opposed to allowing the separation to actually take place.

Many wonder what they can do in response to their husband’s insistence that they separate. One may say, for example, “My husband and I have been struggling with our marriage for about four months. He lost his job and is now underemployed. We’ve had to change our lifestyle, and this has caused a lot of stress. All along, he’s made it clear that he doesn’t think I’ve been supportive enough. I’ve tried to be, but it’s been hard on the kids and me, not knowing if we’ll be able to keep our house or stay in the same school district. Because of all the worry and the fighting, our marriage took a hit. I admit and take responsibility for my part in that. But I don’t think that this should have to mean the end of my marriage. Last night, he told me that we should separate. He said he’d been looking at rooms to rent. I don’t know what he’s thinking because we can barely afford our own house, let alone another room. So now not only do I have to worry about my marriage, but I must worry about how I’ll survive financially on my own should he move forward with a separation and eventually a divorce. What can I do right now when I absolutely do not want a separation?”

Before I give you my opinion, I have to tell you that I am definitely not an attorney. I have no knowledge of legal issues. She was not even sure if her husband was talking about a legal separation or just meant moving out of the house for a while. But, I can offer some tips on how to act and respond to make the separation either less likely or shorter-lived. I will share that with you now.

Find Out What He’s Really Wanting To Accomplish (Or Escape) Through The Separation: The wife wasn’t sure what the husband’s main criteria for wanting the separation truly were. She wasn’t sure if he was just trying to escape the fighting, didn’t want the pressure of listening to his family’s worries, or was trying to get back at or punish his wife for her perceived lack of support.

I felt that it would be worthwhile to try to determine the root cause of this. Because if she could determine what her husband was trying to escape, and she could then successfully address or solve this issue, she might avoid the separation altogether.

For example, if the husband was sick of the fighting, she might vow that they both communicate better to avoid the hurtful fights. She could take the initiative for counseling or at least find some way to help or educate herself on how to offer more support.

Or, if her husband was responding to low self-esteem and trying to escape his family’s worries because his underemployment made him feel terrible about himself, she might spend some time building him up and stressing how they still had each other, which is what really mattered.  The key here is to try to ease the tension and lighten the load without making it appear that you are only doing this because you don’t want him to leave or to pursue the separation.

Offering Alternatives To An Actual Marital Or Trial Separation: If the wife tried the above suggestions and the husband still wasn’t receptive, she might offer to give him his own space in their home. If he wasn’t receptive to the in-house separation, then she herself could offer to go and stay with family for a little while so her husband could sort some things out without having to pay for a room in someone else’s house.

I know that leaving your home probably doesn’t sound all that great, but doing so is better than letting him leave and then worrying about whether he will ever come back. If you are the one who leaves, you can control the duration of the separation (at least initially) because you can simply attempt to come home when you think the time is right.

When Nothing Works And Your Husband Insists That You Can Accept A Separation Or Be Served With Divorce Papers: Sometimes, you try to make every compromise, and you patiently try to reason with your husband, and he just isn’t having any of it. For whatever reason, he’s just not going to be happy until you agree to the separation. Some husbands will even go so far as to tell you that you can choose between a separation or a divorce.

When this happens, there comes a point where it’s better to stop trying to fight him. Once he’s made it clear that he’s not going to change his mind and the separation is absolutely going to happen, then you need to stop trying to prevent the separation and start setting up a reconciliation.

What I mean by this is that there comes a time when it’s clear that you can’t stop him from moving out or from pursuing a separation, so you are better off being agreeable so that you can continue to have access to him during the separation.

At this point, your focus becomes improving your relationship while you are apart. Because if you can ensure that he has positive memories of you while he is gone, and he knows that you are trying to help him through his struggles, he will think of you favorably and want to see more of you. This makes a reconciliation much more likely, and this access will allow you to slowly begin to rebuild your relationship with an eye on rebuilding your marriage. Because the worst thing that you can do is to have him leave in a huff and then to spend your separation fighting so that things never get better, and that eventually, things will get so bad that he pursues a divorce.

Instead, you want to make sure that things are as pleasant as they can possibly be so that when he comes to see the kids, you want to interact with him, and things just continue to get better and better until you are both receptive to saving your marriage and ending the separation.

Unfortunately, I did not understand these principles when my own husband insisted on a separation.  This made getting back together much more difficult.  We did eventually save our marriage, but not until I completely abandoned my old ineffective strategy and came up with a new one.  If it helps, you can read about what actually worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many couples have huge issues with trust. Sometimes, the person with the concerns has valid reasons to have trust issues. And other times, they are reacting to past relationships that have nothing to do with the trustworthiness of their spouse.

Someone might say, “I always feel like I can’t really trust my husband. He always tells little white lies, and he hides little things. When I call him on it, he says that he gets so sick of feeling like I’m always trying to trip him up. He says I act like his mother rather than his wife. He says my nature is just to be suspicious and that no matter how he acts, I will find a reason not to trust him. I admit that my first husband cheated on me, and so I am always suspicious of my husband. But honestly, if I didn’t catch him in lies, then I could back off a little. But every time I find out about his little untruths, it makes me feel like I need to watch him even more closely. This is really hurting my marriage. My husband has started avoiding me and calling me a nag. I don’t want to let my suspicions ruin my marriage. But I can’t help having them when I catch him in lies.  I feel like if things don’t change, our marriage is just not going to make it. What can or should I do?”

This wasn’t an easy situation for either spouse. The wife had already been damaged by a man who wasn’t trustworthy. So she was overly sensitive to any untruth. And the husband resented this. But I strongly felt that there was a compromise that was possible, which I’ll discuss now.

Never Underestimate The Importance Of Trust In Your Marriage, Even If Your Spouse Doesn’t Get It: The wife sometimes felt guilty about placing such a huge emphasis on trust. But there was no need to apologize for this. Trust is vital in any important relationship, but it is the lifeblood of a healthy marriage.

You may try to tell yourself that you’re being too sensitive or that complete trust really doesn’t matter. But, deep in your heart, even when you try your best to turn a blind eye, you will likely always have those nagging feelings that never let you rest. That’s why it’s so important to come up with a compromise with which you can both be comfortable. I know it’s hurtful to have your spouse paint you as a nag, but the importance of trust shouldn’t be underestimated.  And, if it’s important to you, it should also be important to your spouse.

Balancing Your Need For The Absolute Truth With His Need For Breathing Room: A huge problem that the wife faced was that every time she brought up trust issues because of her husband’s little white lies, he would pretty much mutter “here we go again” and just start to tune her out. He would then paint her as a paranoid nag, which would make her wonder what he was hiding.

It was important to break this cycle. My suggestion would be that the next time the wife caught the husband in an untruth, she might say something like: “Honey, what you’re telling me just isn’t true. I’m not sure why you feel the need to hide things from me or to not tell me everything, but the complete truth is so important to me and to our marriage that I’m going to ask you to commit to working on this with me. I know that part of the reason that you are so secretive is due to my own suspicious nature. And, I take full responsibility for that, and I am committing to being more aware of it. At the same time, I don’t think I would be as suspicious if I knew that you were telling me the truth about even the little, seemingly unimportant things. Can I count on you to try to do better? I realize that my past is affecting our marriage. But I think if I could count on you to always tell me the truth, this side of me would not be as pronounced because it wouldn’t need to be.”

What Happens If You Put Your Cards On The Table And You Still Feel That You Can’t Trust Him?: The wife said she would try this approach, but she didn’t have a lot of faith that it was going to work. She said it was just part of her husband’s personality to always lie, even about tiny little things like what he had for lunch. This always made her think that he was trying to hide other, larger things.

If this is the case and none of your efforts work, then I would suggest counseling, or at the very least, for the wife to try to uncover what underlying issues might be contributing to the husband’s need to lie. Was there an underlying major problem between them that made him feel as if he needed to hide things from his wife? Did he have intimacy issues that contributed to him feeling as though he had to keep things to himself? Did he resent his wife’s suspicious nature and therefore lie in a passive-aggressive attempt to punish her? These are just some possibilities. But sometimes, if the underlying issues aren’t solved, the husband will keep right on lying simply because he’s acting out of something rather than a lack of honesty.

No matter what the cause of this lack of trust was, it was important that the couple address it. Because continuing to distrust your spouse leads to resentment, doubt, and unhappiness. And that is no way to live your life and to conduct your marriage.

Trust was just one of the issues that I brushed under the rug when my husband and I were having problems, and it came back to haunt me.  If I had it to do over again, I would have dealt with this issue much earlier.  I was able to save my marriage, but not without a lot of heartache and turmoil.  Dealing with a small problem before it becomes a huge problem is always the way to go.  If it helps, you can read about the process we used to save our marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you’ve read any of my articles, you know I’m a big advocate of giving your spouse the space that they have asked for. One reason for this is that often, if you don’t respect their need for space, they are going to take it anyway, and your refusal is potentially going to damage your marriage even more.

Not only that, but often giving space can allow your spouse to miss you and to see you more favorably.  This, in turn,  can help you save your marriage. But some people mistakenly believe that all you have to do is give your spouse some space, wait for a little while, and then find your marriage miraculously transformed or saved. Unfortunately, this isn’t the way that it works each and every time. Giving your spouse space is an important step, but it isn’t the only step.

I heard from a wife who said, “I have heard that when separated, you should give your spouse space. I guess I understand this. I don’t want to do it, but I feel like I have no choice. So if I give my husband space, will this save my marriage? Because I almost feel like I need a guarantee in order to make that leap. I don’t want to just give in and allow him to leave me, but I guess if this is what I have to do in order to save my marriage, then I will force myself to do so.”

Giving Your Husband Space Is Usually Only Step One: I didn’t want my wife to misunderstand the whole concept of giving your spouse some time away from you. Giving your spouse space is not a guarantee that this act alone will save your marriage. Space is often step one of some additional marriage-saving steps. Look at it this way, giving the space is kind of like opening the door. When done correctly, it will encourage your spouse to miss you and to be more receptive to you. So, if the circumstances in your marriage also change for the better, then the stage is set for you to have some success. But you can’t just sit and wait for more success to come your way. You usually have to take some action.

Step Two Is Usually Reconnecting: If step one is successful and the space has allowed your husband to miss you and therefore to be more receptive to you, then it’s time to work on reconnecting. This is the step where many people miscalculate and therefore fail. I know firsthand that it’s so tempting to want to get him back to you as soon as possible. But understand that this is a very delicate time. You don’t want to move too quickly or to push too much. You have him in a position where he’s thinking that maybe he was wrong about you or the marriage or acted too quickly, so don’t do anything to change his mind.

See, even though he may be very receptive to you, he still likely has some doubts. This is normal. He still probably remembers those problems or issues that led up to him wanting space in the first place. Those things aren’t going to magically disappear because he misses you. It’s so important that you understand this.

No matter how much better things feel when he starts to be more receptive, you are often still on shaky ground, especially in the beginning. Don’t try to make any permanent moves until you have first laid a very strong foundation. Take things slowly. Go on dates and reconnect before you even think about tackling your problems. You want to get back to that point where you are both falling in love again. Because the waters ahead may well be rough. But if you are feeling loving and intense feelings for your spouse and you are going through a process of rediscovery, then you (and your spouse) will often be more willing to have patience and an open mind as you work through your problems. This is vital. Because if you try to work through your problems before you are reconnected, you are going to have a much more difficult time.

Step Three Is Addressing The Difficult Problems That Lead To Him Wanting Space In The First Place (But Only When Your Marriage Can Withstand It.) Hopefully, you have had some restraint, and you’ve both given your spouse space and taken things slowly. If things are going well, by now you’re at a point where you’re reconnected, and you are both willing to make things work. But here is where the real work begins. As tempting as it can be to gloss over your problems, it’s so important that you don’t. Even if things seem to be going wonderfully, resist the temptation to ignore those issues that are possibly still lying in wait.

This doesn’t mean you have to start fighting again or need to dwell on your problems. You shouldn’t do either of these things. If you find that you don’t know how to work through your issues, get some help. You don’t have to make this process an uncomfortable one. You can discuss your issues in a hot tub, on vacation, or while having fun together. There is no right or wrong way to do it as long as you do it. And you may find that there are some issues on which you just can’t agree. This doesn’t have to be your undoing. You can agree to disagree on some issues as long as you both agree on ways to compromise or work around the remaining issues.

So to answer the question “if I give my husband space, will it save my marriage,” the answer is maybe, as long as you follow up space with the right gradual course of action.

I will be honest.  The last thing I wanted to do when my husband asked for space was to give it to him.  I did everything in my power to change his mind, to make him feel guilty, and to trick him into settling for compromises.  None of these things worked.  And I was forced into both giving him space and backing off.  But you know what?  It was the backing off (with a little strategy mixed in) that made all of the difference.  If it helps, you can read about how I played this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some wives feel as if they are right on the brink of getting their husbands to come home. But he’s giving them some sort of lame reason as to why he’s skeptical or reluctant to do so. Sometimes, their husbands will tell them that they are too guilty, ashamed, or embarrassed to return home. And there are times when they are just fishing with these excuses to see if you will offer them forgiveness, tell them that they don’t have anything to be ashamed of, or beg them to come home anyway.

A wife might explain this frustrating situation this way: “My husband left the kids and me without any warning. He was out of touch, and I had no idea where he was or why he had left. I was extremely worried and called all his family and friends, but no one would give me any information. About two weeks ago, he called to tell me that he was OK and that he just had some thinking to do on his own. Honestly, I was so relieved that he was safe that I didn’t act all that mad at him. So I guess he thought it was safe to start calling me, which he did. Come to find out, he’s been right down the street at a friend’s house all along. Now that I’ve learned the truth, I am a little angry, and I can’t help but show it when we speak. The other day, he told me that he missed me, but then said that he’s too ashamed and embarrassed to come home. He says he will have a hard time looking the kids in the eye. Frankly, I think he has valid reasons to feel guilty and embarrassed. What kind of man just leaves his wife and kids without warning? Still, I want him to come home anyway. It’s bad enough he left. But what would be worse is if he didn’t come back and continued on with his mistake? How do I get him to realize all of this and to go ahead and come home?” I will discuss this more in the following article.

Although He May Be Trying To Get You To Say That He Has Nothing To Be Ashamed Of Or Embarrassed About, Don’t Rush To Offer This Reassurance: Many men will play the “I am so embarrassed and ashamed” card because they are trying to shift the balance of power. They do want to come home. But they also don’t want to have to face you feeling like they are the second class citizen in the marriage, especially for the long term.

And, although you may just want him to come home and worry about who is to blame later, you need to think about whether you are willing to give him a free pass. Because if you just gloss over why he up and left you and your kids without announcement or warning, then what is to say the same issues, resentments, and problems aren’t going to come up again? And when they do, what is to stop him from leaving again?

I truly don’t want to bring you down. I understand that right now you just want to think about getting him home. But I know first hand that having a short-term plan only can sometimes thwart your long-term efforts.  And, I do believe that there are compromises that can both get him home and hold him accountable for his decisions.  If you play it correctly, you can address the issues that led him to leave in the first place, which leads me to my next point.

How To Address It When Your Husband Is Saying He’s Too Ashamed, Guilty, Or Embarrassed To Come Home: My suggestion would be this. The next time he mentions his guilt, shame, or embarrassment, you might say something like: “I can understand why you might feel that way. Leaving your family without any warning or explanation is not an admirable thing, and we will have some rebuilding to do as a result of that. Your behavior was not OK. But it also doesn’t mean that I just want to give up on our marriage. Your leaving doesn’t mean that I don’t still love you and want to be married to you. We can explore what contributed to your leaving and hopefully we can eliminate those things so that we are both happy and fulfilled enough that neither of us needs to leave in the future. This is a very difficult time for our family. But it doesn’t make sense to continue on with the difficulties and the pain when you could come home, and we could begin to rehabilitate our marriage and to heal. You’re embarrassed and ashamed, and I’m shocked and hurt, but if we put our feelings aside and focus on our family and our marriage, I feel like we can move past this. Will you work with me to make that happen?”

Do you see the goal of this conversation? You’re not excusing his behavior. In fact, you are telling him that he has a reason to feel ashamed and embarrassed. However, you are making it clear that you want him to come home anyway because your family and rehabilitation are your focus right now. You are asking for his cooperation, but you are not excusing him so that when he does come home, you don’t have to backtrack or avoid talking about the reasons that he left.

When my husband left me, my only focus was on getting him back home in whatever manner possible.  I didn’t care what I had to do or say to get him home.  But this short-term plan meant that I never addressed what made him leave in the first place, and this costs us greatly.   In fact, it almost costs us our marriage.  It wasn’t until I backtracked, started over, and went with a long-term plan that things changed drastically.  If it helps, you can read about how we finally got back together on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives doubt their husband’s claims that he has changed while they were going through a trial or marital separation. Often, the wife truly does have at least some desire to work things out. But often, the husband’s promises to change are nothing new, and the wife has her doubts.

She might say: “I asked my husband for a separation 4 months ago. I still loved him, but I felt that he really needed to make some changes in his life before I could really commit to saving our marriage. For the past several years, my husband has been very immature. He still would go out with his friends and spend money that we didn’t have. He would leave good jobs because of personality conflicts. When he should have been worrying about bettering himself to support our family, he was just worried about having a good time. Sometimes he would go out with his friends rather than to our kids’ school or sporting events. Much of the time, he acted like he was still in college when, in fact, he is a man with a family who has long been out of college. I just want him to grow up and be a good husband. But he still acts like a child who wishes he had no responsibilities. I got tired of carrying the load all by myself. Last month, my husband got a good job and seems to be doing well there. He’s been attending the kids’ activities more. And now he’s telling me that because of these things, he’s changed. I really want to believe this. But he’s told me this before – only to resort back to his old ways. Of course, he wants to come home. He says he misses the kids, and he wants our marriage back. Part of me wants this too. But another part of me wonders if he has really changed enough to save our marriage and for him to truly be a good husband to me. How can I tell?

This is a tough question, but there are some signs that this wife could look for. And, there were some steps that she could take to ensure that she wasn’t moving too quickly, which I will discuss below.

Although Only Time Can Tell For Sure If He Has Changed, Watch Out For These Signs: It’s normal to be skeptical of a man who hasn’t really changed much in the past. But sometimes, the threat of losing his family will force a man to make some important decisions about his life.

Of course, time is the best indicator of whether his changes are going to be temporary, lasting, or even enough. But until then, this wife had to decide if she was even willing to give her husband the time to prove himself to her. This is a decision that only she could make.

In the meantime, the wife might be hopeful, but also very observant. One suggestion that I always give in this situation is to make it a point to observe your husband when he doesn’t know he’s being watched. Of course, he’s going to make himself look like a dedicated father of the year when the family is together because he has an image that he wants to sell to his wife. But, nothing said the wife couldn’t go to his old stomping grounds at a time when she knew that he was most likely to hang out there and then observe his behavior.

In other words, hit his favorite bars on Friday nights and weekends. Go to his job at various times. Send him to the park alone with the kids and then drive by when he doesn’t know he’s being observed.  Then, make sure he is still being the attentive father he claims to be when no one is watching. Or, tell him that you can’t make the next school or sporting event and ask if he can take the kids solo. It might be very telling to observe his response when he knows he won’t have an audience at the event. Once you do enough of this type of surveillance and observation, you can usually get a sense of how often he is being completely honest and sincere. If you’re seeing that he is just putting on a show, then you know he has more work to do. But if he is always where he says he will be and is a good father even when you’re not around, then this says a lot about his sincerity.

Nothing Says You Have To Make A Permanent Commitment To End The Separation Until You Are Ready To Do So: It was obvious that this husband really wanted to return home to his family. And the wife felt very pressured to make a decision. She felt guilty about keeping him from living with his children. But this is a huge decision which shouldn’t be rushed. If the wife still had doubts, there was nothing wrong with moving slowly until she felt more sure or secure. She might say something like: “I know that you are telling me that you’ve changed, and I really like what I am seeing. But I want to continue to take it slowly. I really want our marriage to work when you come home. So in order for us to have the best chance of success, I think that we should avoid rushing things. You can see the kids whenever you like. I want us to spend time together as a family. I enjoy the man that you have become. But let’s just continue to take it slow for a little while so that we are both secure that it’s actually going to work when you come back home.”

Frankly, if your husband has really changed, he should understand this. He may not like it, and it may not be the response that he was hoping for. But if he has truly changed and become more mature, then he should understand that you just want his changes to be lasting so that your marriage truly will not only survive but thrive once he comes home.

It was I who was trying to convince my husband that I had changed during our separation.  When he was skeptical and wanted to take things slow, I was so frustrated.  But later, it became evident that he was right.   We saved our marriage in part by moving slowly and deliberately, and in part because I learned how to market myself during our reconciliation.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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