Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are dealing with a husband who has left without much warning.  However, some wives had a great deal of warning, but the wives don’t feel very reassured about this.  Some husbands will not only tell their wives that they intend to leave but will also outline how long they plan to be gone.  I heard from a wife whose husband was very forthcoming about the fact that he wanted to leave for a week to clear his head and reflect on what he wanted to happen with their marriage.

She said, in part: “last night my husband told me that he intended to leave me for a week.  He said he hasn’t been happy with our marriage or with his life.  He thinks that he is going to remedy this by leaving me for a week.  He says that when he comes back, he will have made a decision about what he wants to do with his life and our marriage.  Needless to say, I am against this.  Because part of me worries that he won’t come back or that, when he does, he’ll announce that he’s found an apartment or an attorney that is going to help him divorce me.  I have been honest with him about my feelings but he doesn’t seem to care that this isn’t what I want. He told me that he is going to leave whether I like it or not.  He keeps saying that he “needs to do this.”  What am I supposed to make of this?  Am I just supposed to let him leave me for a week without complaint?  Does this mean my marriage is over?”  I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

It Can Be A Good Sign That Your Husband Isn’t Leaving The Separation Open Ended:  I know that you likely feel like you are dealing with a very bad situation.  But let me attempt to put this in perspective for you.  I so often hear from wives who come home to find a husband who has packed up and left without any warning.  Sometimes there’s a note or forwarding address and phone number.  And sometimes there is not.  Many husbands won’t even take their wife’s calls during a separation.  So the fact that you have a husband who is not only telling you about this ahead of time but also is committing to a very short amount of time to be away can be a very good sign.

Having a set amount of time for the beginning and the end of the separation can be much better than leaving things open-ended.  Not setting boundaries can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and a separation that lasts for much longer than is desirable or was originally planned. So as painful as it can be to know that he might be away for a week, a short 7 days are much better than not knowing when, or if, he’s going to come home.  And frankly, sometimes how you react to this can greatly influence the outcome.  Try very hard to remain calm and positive.  If you expect the worst, you will sometimes get it.

Offer An Alternative, But Don’t Push So Hard That You About Inflexible:  I completely understand being very reluctant to allow your husband to walk out of your front door.  When my husband and I separated (even when it was supposed to be for a brief period of time,) I was terrified that this would end our marriage.  And frankly, it almost did.  So often, your reluctance to agree to the separation is quite valid.  With that said, if you react very negatively and refuse to allow the separation, many husbands won’t give you a choice and will leave angry.  This is not the way you want to set it up when your husband leaves.  You want him to be unsure of his decision and you want him to be somewhat sad and unsure about leaving so that when he thinks of you, he will have positive thoughts and he will miss you.

Having said that, I don’t see anything wrong with offering to be the one to leave.  That way, you can control the terms and time period of your returning.  You don’t have to worry about if and when he will return because he has never left.  This can help to ease your mind somewhat, but not all husbands will agree to this.  If he doesn’t agree, don’t lose your cool or push too hard.  Remember to remain positive.   If it is clear that he is going to leave, try to agree on some terms, like how often will you communicate?  Will you call or see one another regularly?  This may seem silly, but people often become suspicious or upset if they find that communication is cut off.  If you agree before he leaves, you can avoid this.

What Am I Supposed To Do If He Actually Does Leave?  I know that you might have a difficult week ahead. But do everything in your power to stay in control.  Don’t dwell on panic or fear.  Keep busy and make sure you appear very upbeat and approachable when you interact with your husband.  If you are angry, resentful, or afraid, journal or talk to a trusted friend to release those feelings, but don’t allow your husband to see only negativity.  Because if you do, he might be less likely to be in any hurry to come home.  The whole idea is that you both miss one another, that you are both able to put your marriage in perspective and that, at the end of the week, he will come home willing to recommit to you and to the marriage.

I know that a week apart may sound just awful to you.  But, honestly, a week would have sounded like paradise to me when my husband and I were separated.  And, if you handle this correctly, you may well find that your marriage actually improves because of the time and space apart.  Unfortunately, I didn’t handle my separation correctly at first and I had a lot of ground to make up before I could save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are desperate for their husbands to change.  Many of them do not believe that they will be able to maintain the marriage unless some serious changes and improvements are in the very near future.  But unfortunately, many of those same wives have heard endless promises for change that have never come to fruition.  Often, these promises are made by husbands who, at the time, seem very sincere and convincing, which makes the let down all that more heartbreaking.

One might say: “for the past five years or so, I have been very direct in telling my husband that if he doesn’t change, our marriage just isn’t going to make it.  He is lazy, selfish, and cold.  He doesn’t invest any time or effort in our marriage.  But he invests all sorts of time in his own hobbies and his own friends.  It’s as if myself and my kids don’t matter nearly as much as his own needs.   He doesn’t even notice if something is bothering me or if there are issues in my life, but he expects me to coddle him.  I’m really sick of it.   The other day, I told my husband for probably the millionth time that he had better change or else.  And then when I heard my own voice, I realized that I sounded like I was only making empty threats.  My mom says that I should move out or separate from him in order to scare him into changing.  Will this work?  Is it a good idea? If I thought he would change, I would do it in a second.  But if he won’t, then what is the point of disrupting my children’s lives if I’m only going to get more of the same?”

I Believe That A Person Needs To Want Genuine Change: Not knowing the husband, it’s very difficult for me to answer these questions with complete certainty.  However, often trying to force a person to change under duress is usually only a temporary solution.  It may work for a little while, but over time people fall back into their old patterns and habits and then the result is resentment and anger, which only makes a bad situation worse.    I firmly believe that people can and do change.  I have experienced this in my own life and in my own marriage.  But,  lasting change will often come when the person in question truly wants to change and is motivated by something within themselves.

Sometimes, something will shake the person up and inspire them to change.  Other times, they just realize that it is time for them to take the initiative.  However it happens, I find that almost universally, the person who changes because they want to is happier and more resolute about the change than the person who feels as if they were “made to” change or forced to do so. So where does that leave you when it’s so frustrating to know that he has to want to change on his own when you don’t know how much longer you can wait for him to finally evolve?  Well, in my opinion, and experience, you can often nudge him along using positive reinforcement without making him feel manipulated or forced into doing something that he never thought was necessary in the first place.

Encouraging Your Husband To Feel Empathy And To Want To Please You Will Often Inspire Change:  Please don’t take this the wrong way, but many husbands admit that when their wife is trying to pressure or threaten them into change, they mostly see her as a nag or as a stressor that they want to escape.  I am not telling you this to make you feel bad.  I just want to be honest so that you can see the best way to approach this situation which will, in turn, give you the best chance of getting what you want.

The way around this is to make him feel accommodating rather than pressured.   If you can make him feel genuine affection and empathy for you, then he will actually want to please you and he will be more inspired to change because he wants to continue to make you happy.  I know that this might sound somewhat backward.  But I promise you that I find it so much more effective in almost every instance.  If you give your husband positive feedback, he will feel better about himself, your marriage, and what you are asking of him.

I know that praising him is not what you had in mind.  And I’m not suggesting that you praise him for behavior that you don’t want.  But, it’s usually possible to catch him doing something right or to be in a situation where laughter and teasing would help more than criticism.  Once he sees that you aren’t going to constantly focus on the negative, he will likely feel a good bit more loving and empathetic toward you and he will want to make some changes in order to make you happy.

So, Should You Push For A Separation In Order To Get Your Husband To Change?:  That’s really a decision that you alone must make.  My answer would be that if there were other valid reasons for the separation, then look at those reasons in order to make your decision.  But separating for the sole reason of forcing your husband to change probably isn’t the best idea, at least in my experience and opinion.   Admittedly, sometimes a separation does bring out the best in people because suddenly, they miss one another and don’t take each other for granted anymore.  As a result, they can be on their best behavior in order to inspire a reconciliation.  This might include changing some of their behaviors. But this can also have the opposite result. Sometimes, separations bring out the worst in people because they are reacting out of fear and uncertainty.  It truly can be a risk that you must consider very carefully, taking into account the state of your marriage, both of your personalities, and your tolerance level right now.  Sometimes, it is better to try positive reinforcement first and to use a more drastic tactic (like a separation) as a last resort.

I honestly wish that I’d tried to positive reinforcement before my husband and I separated.  Because once we did, it was much more difficult to save my marriage.  Eventually, we buckled down and worked very hard to transform our marriage.  And at that time, we did use positive reinforcement.  But we could have saved ourselves a lot of time and heartache if we began earlier.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people aren’t sure how to handle the logistics of their separation. Many understand that while they are separated, they are going to explore living and functioning without their spouse. They fully understand that they aren’t going to be living under the same roof and may not be seeing or speaking every day, but what they do with their personal time during the separation is often in question. One of the most common concerns that people have is whether or not they should see other people during the separation. Sometimes, one spouse is really pushing to see other people while the other is very much pushing for both people to remain faithful.

A wife could ask: “should my husband and I see other people during our separation? I really have some hesitation about this. My husband wants to see other people. He says that seeing other women will allow him to see how that would feel to him. He says if it feels wrong or he finds himself comparing them to me, then he will know that perhaps we should try to save our marriage. I disagree. I think that seeing other people is only for people who are divorced. However, I have friends who tell me that I should see other men to make him jealous. So who is right? Is it a good idea for us to see other people when we are separated? I will tell you my opinion on this in the following article.

My Opinion On Seeing Others During A Separation: I’m going to give you my opinion and it is just that – an opinion. I realize that people may disagree with me and that’s OK. But I am basing my thoughts on my own experience and from the feedback I hear from other people.  I believe that you should not date or see other people while you are separated. The primary reason for this is that your both seeing other people can add additional drama, confusion, jealousy, and anger into a situation that is already painful and volatile.

Not only that, but when you are separated but considering trying to save your marriage, you will often have some obstacles to overcome. Even if you and your spouse decide that you miss and love one another, you will still need to work through the issues that lead to the separation in the first place. This isn’t always easy. And if one or both of you are seeing other people, then you will need to deal with the jealousy and doubt that comes along with this process on top of all of the other issues that you are trying to deal with and overcome.

Additionally, it’s not at all uncommon to see a situation in which one spouse remains faithful and things start to look at least somewhat positive until suddenly one of the spouses meets and begins seeing someone else. And then in the blink of an eye, the marriage is back on hold and the faithful spouse is brokenhearted. So you have a situation in which the marriage may have been saved had one of the spouses not began dating someone else and complicating things.

In short, it’s my opinion that dating someone else during your separation significantly decreases your chances of being able to save your marriage and it just creates a lot of unnecessary issues that might have been avoided if both people agreed to put off seeing others until enough time has passed to give the separation a fair chance.

What If Your Spouse Is Pushing To See Other People? I sometimes hear from folks who really don’t want to date other people, but who are dealing with a spouse who is pushing for this. In this situation, I often advocate trying to come up with a compromise. Perhaps you agree to a set time frame where you will both remain faithful and will focus on working on your marriage and evaluating what you truly want without the complications of another person in the mix.

I feel that it’s very important to agree on this beforehand. Because if you leave it to chance, then you will often find that you are very worried about it and end up accusing your spouse when they may well be innocent. In fact, the more specific you can be about what to expect during the separation, the more success you will generally have. Ideally, you want to get along well and to reconnect during the separation. You will have a very hard time doing that if you are worried that your spouse is bonding with or falling for someone else and is beginning to move on. It’s just a potential problem that is best avoided with open and honest communication.

If you can agree that you won’t see other people for six weeks (or whatever time feels right for both of you) and will meet at least twice a week to check in with one another, then this is usually so much more preferable than leaving things to chance and then panicking when you find out or suspect that your spouse is seeing someone else on the sly and then wondering what that means for your separation or your marriage.

My husband and I didn’t set boundaries before our separation and this greatly complicated things for me because I was always worried he was seeing other people when I definitely had no interest in doing the same.  It was already challenging to save our marriage, but this just added one additional complication.   Thankfully, once I decided to stop worrying and acting out of anxiety and to start making a calculated plan, things changed significantly.  If you like, you can read the whole story of our recovery on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives strongly disagree with the husbands who are telling them that their marriage is damaged beyond repair.   Often, one spouse (typically the husband) wants to leave the marriage behind because they think that there is no saving it.   At the same time, there is usually another spouse (often the wife)  who strongly disagrees and thinks that if the couple worked together, they could not only fix their marriage but improve it enough so that they could both be happy.

A wife might say: “my marriage has been in trouble for some time.  At first, my husband and I sort of ignored our problems.  But eventually, we couldn’t do that any longer as there were some days that we couldn’t stand to be in the same room.  We have totally grown apart and there doesn’t seem to be a lot of chemistry left between us.  Sometimes, when we go out to dinner, it is clear that we don’t have anything to talk about. It’s so obvious and painful that we don’t connect anymore.  However, I don’t think that any of this means that our marriage can’t be fixed.  My husband disagrees.  He says that our marriage is too far gone to fix.  He says he’s tired of looking at a stranger every night. Is he right?  Is there any way for me to tell if my marriage can be fixed or not?”  I will try to address these issues in the following article.

I Believe That There Is Always Hope To Fix Your Marriage As Long As One Of You Is Committed To Doing So:  I almost never believe that a marriage is too far gone to fix.  One reason for this is likely that I am not the most objective person about this topic.  I was in this same situation and I refused to believe that my marriage was over even if most of the signs indicated that it absolutely was (and even though my husband had no interest in saving it.)  So I’m very stubborn in that way.  But I have also seen marriages other than my own revive even when one of the spouses believed that it could not be fixed.

People change their minds and their perceptions every day and then go on to save their marriages and be happy.  That’s not to say that it just magically happens for each couple.  It usually takes a good deal of work and, sometimes, a little luck.  But I often think it’s possible, especially if one spouse has enough determination for two people.

What It Usually Takes To Fix Your Marriage When Your Husband Insists That It Can’t Be Fixed:  As I alluded to, sometimes hoping and having the drive to fix your marriage isn’t going to be enough.  Although your husband doesn’t necessarily have to be on board throughout this entire process, he obviously has a say as to whether your marriage has been fixed to the extent that he wants to stay and participate in it.   If he ultimately decides that he’s come to the end of the marriage, he can take steps to end it.  So it’s important that you understand that you will have to eventually convince him that your marriage has or can be fixed.  However, I don’t think that you need his blessing or his permission in the beginning.

Because in the early stages, you are just going to be taking inventory of what is wrong with your marriage and you’re going to be taking the steps that you can complete on your own in order to improve your situation.  And, you’re going to be making changes to yourself, your focus, and your outlook that might almost immediately improve how you relate to your husband and your marriage.

What is necessary to fix your marriage is to change your husband’s perception of the fact that it’s not fixable.  This is sometimes going to be a gradual process that takes tiny baby steps until you’ve reached the end.  You can typically start out by making sure you have a can do and upbeat attitude.   Don’t go into this thinking that your back is against the wall and that you have to take drastic measures.  Don’t make your primary goal changing his mind.  Make it your primary goal to focus on what is right rather than on what is wrong.  Focus on the positive when it is at all possible.

It’s also important to overcome your husband’s perceptions about what it is going to take to save your marriage.  I dialogue with a lot of husbands on this topic and I can tell you that many husbands assume that fixing your marriage is going to be a long, painful process that likely isn’t going to be worth it. That’s why it’s so important to show him (rather than telling him) that he is wrong about this.  When you focus on the positive, take matters into your own hands, and begin making changes yourself, you show your husband that the process isn’t as difficult or as painful as he may have assumed.   And doing so can be much more effective than any words that you could possibly say.

Once he sees improvements that weren’t painful or problematic to accomplish, he may begin to change his outlook.  It’s often at this point that you will see some cooperation from him.  Be careful that you don’t move too quickly when this happens.  You don’t want to suddenly make demands when he was just beginning to warm up to the idea that fixing your marriage is possible after all.

So to answer the question posed, I think that a marriage can almost always be fixed as long as one person is willing to take the initiative in the beginning.   Of course, eventually, the husband will have to truly believe in your marriage once again.  But you can usually take the lead to ensure that this happens.

When my husband insisted our marriage had reached the point of no return, I panicked and made many mistakes that were based on fear. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and, before it was too late, I changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but to save our marriage. You can read that very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

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By:  Leslie Cane:  It’s not uncommon for me to hear from wives who have serious doubts about a marital separation.  Often, it is the husband who is pushing to separate while the wife would like to try other measures to save the marriage.  Much of the time, the wife questions the husband’s motives in wanting a separation.

A wife said: “my husband told me that he thinks it’s necessary for us to separate because the spark is gone from our marriage.  He thinks that if we live apart, we will miss each other and this will reignite our chemistry.  While I agree that things have gotten a little stale between us, I don’t see the need for him to move out.  Part of me wonders if this isn’t just an excuse for him to get out of the marriage.  He says this isn’t the case.  So then why can’t we try to get the spark back without him moving out?  And what does he really mean when he says that we should just wait and see if and when sparks fly?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

What A Husband Means When He Says He Wants To See If A Separation Will Bring  Back The Spark: I didn’t know either person in this relationship, but I do hear from a lot of folks in this situation.  And the person who initiates the separation will sometimes admit that they are hoping to force some sparks.   Their theory is usually that once you are apart, you will hopefully start to think more favorably toward one another and therefore miss one another.  But, since you can’t be together, the sexual tension will build and build until the spark comes back.  This sounds like a simplistic theory, right?  But this is often their thought process.  And to be quite honest, they figure that if the spark doesn’t come back during the separation, then it might never come back, which means that the answer as to whether or not to end the marriage will become more clear.

That’s not to say that there aren’t some people who will use the “let’s see if we can get the spark back” excuse when they have no intention of even entertaining the thought of getting it back. But typically, there have been other problems in the marriage besides just the chemistry between you.  That wasn’t the case with this marriage. But what happens if you want to get the spark back but you don’t want to go through with the separation?  I’ll tell you below.

Can You Get The Spark Back Without Needing To Separate?: This is the question you’re likely asking yourself.  But getting your husband to believe that this is indeed possible can be a challenge.   You will often have more success if you show him rather than tell him.  So instead of saying things like “give me a chance and I’ll prove to you that we can get the spark back,” you want to just act in ways that will show him that it has already come back.

Now, it’s important that you are careful here.  You don’t want to appear as if you are not genuine and putting on an act.  Instead, you just want to be playful and draw on the long history that you have together.  See, you probably already know what turns your husband on, as it’s likely that you have known and loved this man for quite some time.  You likely know what has worked for you in the past.  This gives you a little bit of an advantage.  With that said, you don’t want to go overboard so that it’s obvious you’re only acting in the way that you are because your marriage is on the line.  It’s better to move slower than it is to overdo it.

What If You Try To Show Him The Spark Is Still There But Your Plan To Avoid The Separation Doesn’t Work?: Don’t panic.  The next step would be to offer a compromise.  You can offer to stay at a hotel or with friends for a few days in order to give him his space or some time to clear his head.  This way, he is getting what he wants, but you are not at the mercy of his whim and waiting for him to decide when or if he’s coming back home.   If you try all this and he still wants to move out, you still should not panic.

It’s not at all impossible to actually miss and desire your spouse when you’re separated.  In fact, you can often use the separation to your advantage. Once I learned this, it totally changed the way that I went about saving my marriage.  I made the time away from my marriage work for me rather than against me and there is no reason that you can’t do the same, as long as you don’t panic and assume the worst.

Honestly, there was no way that the spark was going to come back in the beginning stages of our separation because I was panicked and wasn’t acting in a way that would encourage it to come back.  It wasn’t until I used the separation to my advantage that things started to change dramatically.  Eventually, I  was able to use this process to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are discouraged while they are waiting for their husband to determine what he wants to do about their marriage.  Often, there isn’t a lot of certainties about the future of the marriage or whether it can be saved.   And while the wife may hang onto her husband’s every word or analyze the situation endlessly in those early weeks, sometimes it’s clear that a resolution isn’t going to be right around the corner.  When this happens, many wives intuitively understand that they need to concentrate on themselves and on their own lives while they are waiting.  But many do not know exactly how to do this.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I are separated.  Things are up and down with us.  Sometimes, we do a little better and it looks like we might reconcile.   But then whenever I try to move forward, my husband will stall and say he’s not sure if he’s ready to move back home.  There are times when I wonder if he even knows what he wants.  When we first separated, I thought that things would be resolved in a few weeks.  I see now that this is clearly not going to happen.  I know that I should get my own life back and focus on myself, but I’m not sure how to go about this.  I worry that focusing on myself might mean that I’m giving up on my marriage.  How do I move on without letting go?”  I will try to address these questions below.

Focusing On Your Own Life Doesn’t Mean That You’re Giving Up On Your Marriage: I know that this is a difficult time.   You are often torn because you know that sitting around and waiting isn’t really doing you any good, but you worry that focusing on yourself might imply that you are moving on when your intention is anything but that.

It’s my opinion that focusing on yourself does not mean that you are throwing in the towel on your marriage.   Frankly, I find that it often helps wives to save their marriage because it takes away that sense of panic and urgency that often hurts the reconciliation process more than it helps it.

In order for this to work well, you have to balance your focus on your own life with your efforts to save your marriage.  In this situation, the husband had moved out.  The wife had an awful lot of time on her hands where she wasn’t even interacting with her husband.  So, there was no reason that focusing on herself needed to interfere with her reconciliation efforts.  She was concerned about if (or how) she could discuss this topic with her husband.  Some wives choose not to say anything and to just change their behaviors.  Sometimes, their husbands can’t help but notice the change and they will ask about it.  At that time, the wives will usually respond with something like: “I’ve just decided that while I’m waiting to see what happens with our marriage, I’m going to focus on improving myself and my own level of happiness.   Maybe doing so will even help our marriage, but I figure it can’t hurt to try to do some self-work on my own.”   In this way, you’re reassuring him that by no means are you giving up on your marriage, but you’re also showing him that you care enough about yourself to make your own needs a priority.

Believe it or not, many wives are pleasantly surprised to find that this actually improves their situation.  The husband will usually feel a little more compelled to move a bit more quickly because it’s clear that the wife is no longer sitting at home and idly waiting for him to make up his mind.

Ways to Get Your Own Life Back While You’re Waiting To See What Is Going To Happen With Your Marriage: It’s my opinion and experience that while you’re getting your own life, you shouldn’t do anything that is going to put your own marriage in jeopardy.   I certainly don’t advocate dating other people (if you’re still invested in your marriage,) although I see no problem with going out with your female friends.    It’s also a good idea to pursue your hobbies and passions.  Some people decide to take a class, join a group, or pick up a hobby that they’ve long abandoned but have always missed.

You want to focus on things that bring you happiness, stimulate you, and make you excited to get out of bed in the morning.   It helps to have other things on which to place your focus instead of only the frustration of your marriage.  This will usually lift your spirits. And when you are happier, you will often have more successful interactions with your husband which in turn could improve your marriage. Take constant inventory of what you do have to be grateful for and place your focus there.  I think you might be very happy with the results.

Finally, you want to identify yourself as an individual instead of as a married person who isn’t sure what her marriage holds.  And I don’t mean this in a negative way.  Many people tell me that they worry that beginning to live apart from their husband puts their marriage in jeopardy.  I don’t look at it that way.  I look at it as focusing on yourself so that you are no longer living your life on hold.  Honestly, once I did this, not only did it make my situation more bearable because my happiness level went up, but my husband became interested in me again and this was the catalyst that eventually helped us to save our marriage.

Frankly, I almost had no choice but to get my life back on track during my separation.  My husband made it very clear that he wasn’t coming back anytime soon.  So, in order to save my sanity, I started doing things I used to enjoy.  Not only did this make a huge difference in my outlook,  but my husband became interested in me again and we eventually saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many women are desperately trying to change their husband’s mind about wanting a divorce.  Many have asked him to reconsider in a number of different ways, but they haven’t yet been successful.  As a result, many are looking for some strategy late in the game that will finally make him change his mind or reconsider.

Common comments are things like: “my husband told me last week that at some point soon, he was going to file for a divorce.  I begged him to reconsider.  I told him that we could clear our calendars and make our marriage our only priority.  I suggested we take some time off and get away together.  I promised that I would be a better wife and suggested that we focus on having more fun together or maybe consider counseling or a marital retreat.  He shot all of these suggestions down and told me that he was not going to reconsider no matter what I said or did.  So what can I do now?  Because part of me feels that anything that I try is going to fail anyway.  But another part of me just can’t accept that my marriage could be over.”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Since He’s Telling You Very Specifically He Won’t Reconsider, It Often Makes Sense To Redirect And To Stop Asking Him To Do Just That: Many wives will try to keep asking him to reconsider, but they will try to do it in different ways.  In other words, they will try different approaches and, although their behaviors and strategies might change, what they are asking of their husband isn’t changing at all.  They are usually still asking him to reconsider, change his mind, or call off a divorce.

The thing is, he’s already specifically told you that he isn’t going to do this.  So when you continue to do what he has specifically asked you not to do, this isn’t likely to earn you any positive points.  In fact, it’s not out of the question that he might want to go ahead with the divorce even more.

Sometimes, it helps to back off of the stance of asking him to reconsider.  Of course, you’re still going to want him to, but this doesn’t mean that you need to constantly say it when he’s already made it clear that he doesn’t intend to comply with your wishes. However, just because you are no longer asking him to reconsider the divorce, that certainly doesn’t mean that you’re not still moving forward with a plan.  You may just be going about it in a roundabout way which may not be so obvious to him, which leads me to my next point.

You Can Attempt To Get Him To Reconsider The Divorce Without Specifically Asking Him To Do So: Sometimes, it is helpful to do what your husband is not expecting.  Because of your past behavior, he is likely expecting you to continue to make promises, to offer compromises, or to try to talk your way into getting what you want.  And, as the result, he is likely to brace himself for these things and is anticipating thwarting you every chance he gets.

So sometimes, you have to come at him in a different way than he’s expecting.   Once you stop asking him to reconsider, he may well ask you about your change of heart.  Your answer might be something like:  “You made it very clear that you won’t reconsider.  What choice do I have but to respect that?  My hope would be that, over time, our relationship will improve, no matter how our relationship is classified.  In the meantime, I have plenty of work to do on myself.  I hope that things change for us, but until they do, you’ve made it very clear that you don’t want to reconsider.  If you change your mind, you know that I’d be more than happy to move forward then.”

A strategy like this does a couple of things for you.  It takes the pressure off.   It places you in a better position.  And it will often make your husband wonder why you are backing off (which in turn can generate some interest from him.)  And often, as a result of all of these things, he will no longer be so intent on disagreeing with you. Many wives are afraid this strategy means that you are giving up.  I totally disagree with that assumption.  You haven’t given up.  You have only stopped saying the words he has already told you that he is going to outright reject.

You will likely still be trying to get him to reconsider, but you will now be doing this with your actions instead of your words.  You will be hoping that your behaviors and your ability to get along increasingly better with him are going to be the things that change his mind.  During this process, it’s very important that you present yourself in the most positive way as is possible.

You may well feel full of anxiety and afraid, but try to make sure that your outward appearance doesn’t show this.  You want to have a quiet confidence that everything is going to work out as it’s supposed to and you want to be approachable and easy to be around.  This will ensure that you and your husband begin to get along much better and will, in turn, will increase your chances of him changing his mind further around the road.

Does this strategy mean that you may have to wait a little longer to get what you want?  It might.  But I believe that it gives you a higher likelihood of success.  And if you keep right on trying to convince him to reconsider with your words, you’re only throwing more of the same at the problem.  In short, you are repeating a strategy that has already been proven not to work.  It just doesn’t make sense to continue on in the same path.

So to answer the question posed, in my opinion, when your husband refuses to reconsider wanting a divorce, it’s best to stop asking him to.  You can try to get him to change his mind with patience and with new behaviors instead of new words.

I can’t express how many different strategies I used to get my husband to reconsider a separation or a divorce.  And I only dug a deeper hole for myself.  Because the more I asked, the more my husband refused.  It wasn’t until I came at him in a completely different way that I gained some ground.  If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Wives can be disappointed that their marital separation is not going in the way that they had hoped.  Many vowed to try to improve things during the separation.  The hope was that not living under the same roof might help to soothe the tension of hurt feelings.   Unfortunately, some wives find that they are actually interacting with their husband more negatively during the separation.

A wife might have these concerns: “my husband was the one who wanted for us to separate.  I didn’t agree, but he really gave me no choice.  I had hoped that we would get along better while we were apart so that he might change his mind and eventually come home.  But the opposite has happened.  I find myself feeling resentful and angry.  And I snap at him constantly.  Or if he’s short with me, then I’ll read all sorts of things into his response and demand answers until things get a lot worse.  He also doesn’t follow through on his promises with the kids and this infuriates me.  It’s like he gets to be free and be a parent when he feels like it and I’m just supposed to accept this because this is what he wants.  At the beginning of this process, I’d hoped to save my marriage, but I have no idea if that’s going to be possible now.  We can’t even get along when we’re separated, so how we will ever get along well enough for a reconciliation?”  I will try to address these questions in the following article.

Understand Which Emotions Are Likely Driving Both Of You: Don’t be so hard on yourself right now.  Being separated is scary and this can bring about negative emotional responses.  Many times, both husband and wife are being driven by fear and frustration.  So it’s safe to say that neither of you is going to be at your charming best.  It can be difficult to be yourself when you are so afraid of making a mistake, especially one that could cost you your marriage.  And when things start to go downhill fast, difficult feelings become even more magnified.

That’s why it’s important to try to take a step back and realize that you might be reacting out of emotions that aren’t typical of you, your husband, or your marriage.  Understand that having troubles getting along (especially at first) doesn’t doom your marriage or mean that you will eventually end up divorced.

Try To Focus On The Little Things That You Can Manage: If you are having difficulty getting along, try to keep things very light.  Don’t try to push heavy or difficult discussions or situations that you know are risky or may not turn out well.  You can leave all of those things for later.  Right now, what is most important is breaking the habits that you might be forming.  You don’t want for your husband to just expect that interactions with you are going to be filled with drama.  Instead, you want for him to know that he can expect pleasant interactions when he is with you.  This is especially true if you still want to save your marriage.

Give Yourself An Exit Route When Things Start To Go South: The worst thing that you can do when you start arguing or fighting is to stand there and continue to offer up more of the same.  Because this usually just makes things worse.  When you see things starting to heat up in a negative way, excuse yourself.  You don’t need to admit that you have to leave because you think that he’s being a jerk.  Just say that you have something else to do and that you will call or talk to him later.   This helps to break the cycle and also shows him that you aren’t going to continue to engage endlessly.   I know that it’s tempting to stay and exchange insults.  But, while this may feel good at the time, you will likely regret it later.  It’s better to just walk away and pick up again when you are both calm.

Have A Frank Conversation About What Is Going Wrong: While I don’t think that you should constantly dwell on your problems, it can help to at least attempt to have a conversation about this issue to see if you can clear the air.  It can allow your husband to see that you really are trying and it can help to clear up some misconceptions.  A suggested script might be something like: “I’m really disappointed that we seem to have trouble getting along.  I’d hoped that the separation would help us heal our marriage, not make it worse.   I will try to do better and I’ll always make an effort to walk away before we say things that we might regret.  But I’d like to find ways that we can improve things so that we don’t need to walk away.  Is there anything that I could do to make things better?  Is there anything that you need from me that you’re not getting? For your part, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t make promises to the kids and not follow through.   It hurts them and when I see them hurt, I become frustrated and then lash out.   I think that if we could eliminate some of the things that push our buttons and ask for what we need, we might get along better.  Are you willing to work with me to make that happen?”

You don’t want to be accusatory, but you want to set it up so that this subject isn’t off limits.  You want for him to be comfortable confiding in you and you want to be able to work together to improve things.  Because you will need all of these skills when you progress to the point where you are ready to try to save your marriage.

I have to take some of the blame in my own situation.  When my husband and I first separated, we actually fought more than we did when we were still living together.  A lot of this was due to my own insecurities and fear.  Once I backed off just a little, things began to improve dramatically.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of  how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives see a trial separation not as an opportunity, but as a risk.  They worry that their husband is just using the separation as an opportunity to eventually get a divorce or to move on from their marriage.

As an example, a wife said: “my husband has been pushing for a trial separation for months.  And since he made this suggestion, things have deteriorated between us.  I have directly asked him if he’s using this separation as an excuse to start living as a single person.  I’ve asked him if he intends to start seeing other women and to move on with his life.  He says that at this point, he is not sure.  He says there is a difference between being happily married and separated and that he plans to live his life as a separated man and then evaluate how that feels to him or if it makes him happy.   To me, this means that he plans to move on as soon as possible.  My husband says I shouldn’t make these assumptions.  But how can I not?  What do I do with all of these fears that I have?  It affects how I’m interacting with my husband.”

Having been in this situation myself, I know that people will tell you that you shouldn’t worry so much or that your anxiety is going to hurt your cause.  But of course, this is easy for them to say.  I know how this feels and it’s very difficult.  On the one hand, you feel as if you can’t afford to let him walk out the door.  But on the other, you know that you must.  But you do it with a heavy heart because you know that he may not ever come back.  This leaves you with the option of trying to set it up so you have the best chance of him not moving on.  I will discuss how to do this in the following article.

Don’t Allow Your Anxiety To Make It More Likely That He Will Want To Move On. Don’t Push Him Away: One thing you need to understand is that ultimately if your husband feels in his heart that he wants to move on, he may act on this no matter what you say or do.  While it’s possible to delay him actually moving on, the truth is that if he really wants to, he eventually probably will.  It can be very hard to ignore what your heart and your gut are telling you to do forever.

So the real key for you is to try to set it up so that his heart is NOT telling him to move on.  And, when you’re constantly saying things like:  “are you using this separation as an excuse to move on?”  Or, “you’re going to move on, aren’t you?” then you actually make these things more likely.   I know that you feel very anxious and I understand why you do.  But, be very conscious of not allowing your anxiety to fuel your responses and your behaviors.  As difficult as it may be, if you act as if you are confident that he will remain committed to you during the trial separation, then you make it more likely that he actually will be.

When you feel your anxieties running away from you, remove yourself from the situation and do whatever it takes to calm down.  Journal, do yoga, burn candles.  Only you know what is most likely to help you cut back on your stress, but make sure that you are as calm as possible when you interact with your husband.

Understand That Your Interactions With Your Husband During The Separation Are Going To Influence Whether He Moves On Or Not: Here is another thing to remember.  When you are separated, your husband is either going to think of you positively or negatively.  The more negatively he thinks of you, the more likely it becomes that he is going to want to move on.  So you need to do everything in your power to make sure that he thinks of you positively and wants to spend more time with you.  Sometimes, this means backing off a little bit to allow him to miss you, to wonder about you, and to wish that things were different between you.

However, if you come on too strongly, constantly question your husband or make accusations that he’s looking for excuses to move on, then he’s less likely to miss you and he’s more motivated to move on as a means to get further away from you to escape the drama.   To that end, you want to make sure that you are easy to approach and interact with.  You want to be friendly and open.  I know that I’m asking a lot because sometimes, friendly and open is hard to pull off and when you’re fearful and alone.   But it’s very important that make every attempt to show your husband that wonderful, playful woman that he fell in love with.  Because, to a certain extent, he needs to fall in love with her again.  Or at least he needs to be open to the idea that the love for her can return.  Because once it does, he is much less likely to want to move on because he knows that there is something, and someone, worthwhile to return home to.

Believe me when I say that I worried A LOT about whether my husband would move on or not when we were separated.  And, I think that there was a period of time when he was very close to doing so.   Luckily, I stumbled onto a few things that worked to strengthen our relationship during the separation so that he didn’t need or want to move on.  If it helps, you can read about the strategies that worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives have given their husbands an ultimatum to change his behavior or else accept that the marriage is over, and he’s disappointed them by refusing to do so.  Typically, he is either unwilling or unable to change, even if it means that his marriage is at risk because of this.

I wife might have this situation: “I will not tolerate my husband’s behavior anymore and I have told him as much.  My husband has a drinking problem and because of this, he loses jobs, he isn’t there for me, and he embarrasses our kids.  I tolerated this for many years, but I will not do it anymore.  Three months ago, I told my husband that he had to change to save our marriage.  He told me that he would.  He promised he would go to counseling or seek help from a professional.  But he hasn’t done that.  There will be some weeks where he won’t drink and I will get my hopes up, but he always reverts back to his old behaviors.  I told him that if he really loved his family or wants to make our marriage work, then he will do whatever is necessary to change.  He promises that he wants to change and begs me not to take his family from him, but then when it’s time to go to counseling, he refuses to go.  Yesterday, he told me that I knew who he was when I married him and that if I love him, I will accept all of him, even his flaws. I’m at the end of my rope.  I do want to save my marriage, but I also want him to change and he refuses.  What can I do?”

This is a very heartbreaking situation because often when you are dealing with addictions, the person really does want to change but, despite their best intentions, they struggle to do so because they don’t have the tools to make the changes necessary on their own.  Change is extremely difficult in any situation.  However, when the family is important, then it is possible.  But it takes a lot of compromises, hard work, and determination.  Sometimes, it helps to break the tasks down into much smaller steps.  Hearing words like “you have to change or else” can be very overwhelming.  I will offer some tips on how to make change more manageable in the following article.

You May Have More Success If You Break The Change Down Into Manageable Steps So That Your Husband Savors Small, Constant Successes: The wife in the above scenario believed that her husband wanted to change.  But he had never had long-term success because alcoholism is an issue that is extremely difficult to overcome without a great deal of help.  That’s why when you are pushing for any significant change, you want to break it down into very manageable pieces that gives your husband a greater chance of success.  Otherwise, he can feel like a failure before he ever really gains any momentum.

For example, the first goal might be to find a program or counselor.  The next step would be to begin to regularly attend.  The next step would be to go a week without drinking.  And with each success, you want to praise your husband and make it very clear how much his willingness to change means to you.

Try To Show Him Praise Rather Than Disappointment: It’s very easy to become frustrated when your husband fails yet again.  It’s very natural to want to guilt or force him into changing, especially when your children are negatively affected by his behavior.  But many experts agree that positive reinforcement is much more effective than negative reinforcement.  Major life changes take time.  There are usually some steps backward before you achieve 100% success.  If you reiterate how angry and disappointed you are with your husband every time he messes up, he may begin to wonder if he should even bother because he’s always disappointing you or falling short.

But if you praise his small victories and try to have patience with the setbacks, this is more likely to inspire your husband to keep moving forward because he wants to please you.  It’s important to understand that sometimes his lack of change doesn’t have anything to do with the desire to change, it’s sometimes that he doesn’t have the tools or the ability to change.  I don’t mean to imply that you shouldn’t set high standards and expect change.  You should.  But you should make it easy for him to obtain some praise on a regular basis.

Get Him Professional Help If It’s At All Possible: If you’re asking your husband to make a major change in his life, try your best to get him the help that he needs to be successful.  All of us want to believe that all he needs to do is make up his mind to change, but this often just isn’t the case.  Significant behavioral modification takes time and expertise.  I understand your wanting immediate, drastic and lasting change.  But wanting it to happen and actually having it happen or two very different things.  Sometimes, to have the best chance of success, you need to get outside help or at least educate yourself about the process.

Understand That His Changing And Saving Your Marriage Are Two Different Goals: Wives often truly believe that if their husband just changes, their marriage will magically be fixed.  And while it’s true that a sober husband would make saving this marriage much easier, often you will need to address more than just the initial problem.  Often, the original problem has lead to others.  Sometimes, you’ll need to rebuild the trust, erase the resentments, and learn new ways to communicate.  But often, giving him an ultimatum is not the most effective way to go about this.  In my opinion and experience, you will often have a better chance of success if you encourage him rather than threaten him.   I don’t say this to discourage you.  Because you deserve for him to change.  You are right to want him to change.  But if the goal is to keep your family intact, positive reinforcement is generally more effective in my opinion.

Honestly, my husband and I both needed to make some changes to save our marriage.  The process wasn’t easy, but we are so much happier now and our relationship is so much more healthy for both of us.  It took small steps to get us to where we are today.  If it helps, you can read about that entire process at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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