Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Some readily admit that the sad state of their marriage is mostly their fault.  They know that their choices have really messed things up with their husband and most are willing to try to do whatever is necessary to fix what has been broken.  However, some aren’t sure if this is going to be enough.

Here’s an example: “I have messed things up big time in my marriage.  It all started pretty innocently.  I didn’t have any awful intentions. I started corresponding with an old boyfriend on Facebook.  One thing lead to another and soon we were writing and texting all the time.  We never met in person.  Mostly, it was just harmless flirting to boost my ego and sometimes we would complain about our spouses.  But I swear I never intended to take it to the next level.  Well, my husband got suspicious and read some of the emails and texts.  He was so furious that yesterday he had me served with divorce papers and he moved out of our home. He won’t accept my calls or return my texts.  At this point, he appears that he just plans to erase me from his life.  I know that I deserve his anger.  But honestly, before I ever logged onto Facebook, our marriage was a good one.  I can’t believe that he would be willing to throw this away over a little harmless flirtation.  But he won’t allow me to communicate this to him.  Is there any hope at all for our marriage?  Or do I just have to allow him to divorce me?”

There was no way for me to know what this husband would ultimately decide.  But I do know what sometimes works in situations such as these and I will share some of these insights with you in the following article.

If He Refuses To Communicate With You, Give Him A Way To Reach Out When He Is Ready, And Tone Down Your Attempts:  I know that you can feel almost desperate to hear his voice or to talk to him.  But you have to know that he is getting your emails and texts.  But, for right now, he is not answering them either because he is still angry or because he needs some time.  It usually doesn’t do a lot of good to continue to bombard him with the same desperate message over and over again.   Over time, it can just make him more angry or frustrated. I often suggest one last message telling him that you are going to respect his need for time and that he knows how to communicate with you when you are ready.  You also need to take full responsibility for that correspondence and tell him what you are willing to do to make things right again, which leads me to my next point.

It’s Best To Take Full Responsibility For Your Actions.  Don’t Make Excuses:  The wife knew that this was all her fault.  However, she stressed repeatedly that her intentions were innocent in the beginning.  And frankly, she was expressing this whole “it started out innocently idea” every chance that she got.  Although some of her points were valid, it was highly unlikely that her excuses were going to be what her husband wanted to hear.  Instead, he very likely wanted to know that she took full responsibility for her actions.  Think about this way.   How would you feel if you read texts from your husband to his old girlfriend, even if he insisted it started out innocently?  What would you want to hear from him in this scenario?  You’d likely want to hear that he’s beyond sorry and that, because how realizes how hurtful and damaging his actions were, he will never repeat this behavior.  Your best bet is to make it perfectly clear that this is all your fault and that, if given the chance, you will never make the same mistake and you will take full responsibility for making this right again.

Offer Up A Plan: Another thing you’re going to want to do in that correspondence is to stress that you are willing to have a workable plan.  Whether that is going to counseling, giving your husband time, or proving that you can be trusted once again, you need to make it very clear that you are fully aware that this responsibility falls on your shoulders.  You want for him to know that all he has to do is give you one chance, and you are going to fix this so that he never has to worry about this issue again.

A suggested script might be something like: “I know that I have messed up and that this is all my fault.  It’s clear that you want some time and I am willing to give it to you.  I will wait for you to contact me when you are ready.  I take full responsibility for my actions even though at the time, I didn’t think what I was doing was going to cost me our marriage.  I want you to know that you and our marriage are the most precious things in my life.  I will do whatever is necessary to make this right.  I’ve deleted him from my friend list and quite frankly, I have not logged onto Facebook since and I don’t plan to do so anytime soon.   I don’t have any intention to do anything that would jeopardize your faith in me and our marriage.  Please know that I love you and that, when you are ready, I am willing to do what is needed to save our marriage and to restore your trust.”

So, Is There Still Hope For A Marriage In This Kind Of Trouble:  In some cases, there is.  Often, the injured spouse will eventually calm down and realize that you are sincere, especially if this is the first time that you have made this type of mistake.   You can help your cause by being completely truthful and sincere and respecting their need for space.  Don’t be pushy. Don’t make excuses.  And make it clear that your main concern is the well being of your husband and your marriage.

I made some mistakes with my husband and this almost cost me my marriage. I had a lot of making up to do and there were times when I made excuses or tried to rush my husband.  This seriously backfired.  It wasn’t until I respected my husband’s right to make his own choices and backed off a little bit that I began to gain some ground.  If it helps, you can read about how I got my husband to call off the divorce on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Have Messed Things Up Big Time. My Husband Served Me With Divorce Papers. Is There Still Hope?

By: Leslie Cane: Some wives have finally convinced their husbands to commit to saving or reviving their marriage.  But often once they have reached this milestone, they aren’t sure what to do next.

A wife might explain: “for the last couple of years, my husband and I have drifted further and further apart.  My mother has had several health issues and our finances have been tight.  As a result, we haven’t had a lot of fun as a married couple in the last couple of years and our marriage has really suffered.  Last month, my husband told me he was considering a separation.  I begged him not to go through with it.  He said that he would have to think about this.  Yesterday, he came home and said he was willing to try to get back what we lost.  So we hired a sitter and went out to a nice dinner.  And we sat there in silence with nothing to talk about.  We just sat there and stared and one another with awkward looks on our faces.  I want to bring our marriage back to life, but it feels as if we are so far apart.  How do we even start when it seems as if we’ve lost so much?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Understand That Your Circumstances (And Not Your Lack Of Love For One Another) May Have Lead To This Loss: It may help to understand that you might not be in a situation where you no longer have any common ground with your spouse or you are not compatible anymore.  Instead, your marriage has suffered from neglect and stress caused by a set of circumstances over which you didn’t have much control.  Nor are these circumstances your fault. However, what you can control is what you do today, tomorrow, and in the future to address the distance in your marriage.

Acknowledge that since your husband is willing to try to regain what you have lost, there is likely still love, empathy, and interest there, so you do have solid ground on which to work.  And, despite the circumstances, you do have two people who are willing to do the work necessary to find their way back to one another. These are advantages that you shouldn’t waste.

How Do You Begin When You’re Trying To Bring Your Marriage Back To Life: I believe that many couples in this situation put a lot of pressure on themselves.  They feel somewhat panicked because they know that if this reconciliation doesn’t work, they might well be facing a divorce or a separation.  Try not to look at this way or to allow the panic to get the better of you.

Instead, see this as an opportunity to get back something that is very precious to you and that you likely miss very much.  To the extent that you can, try to make this a fun and enjoyable process.  You want to set up the circumstances so that they are favorable to the two of you falling in love again and enjoying every second of it.

If things feel awkward, start small.  Don’t take a weekend away if it is just going to make you feel frustrated.  If even dinner out seems to be too much, then just do coffee or dessert or take a walk around a lake or park.  Try to encourage a situation where neither of you feels pressured and you both feel free to have a good time.  Your past can give you some clues.  You likely already know the type of low key, low-pressure activities you and your husband have enjoyed in the past.  Don’t try to rush things.  As long as you are both willing, you truly do have lots of time to make progress. Enjoy one another and remain open to seeing how things unfold.  Make sure that you commit to having some fun together where you can just bond and not let your stresses bring you down.

Flip The Script By Deliberately Placing Your Focus On What Matters:  When people are in times of high stress, they tend to project this into their marriage. Some even eventually begin to see the marriage as a source of problems or stress.  Instead, you want to see your marriage as your safe place to rest or to relieve your stress.  You want to see your spouse as the one person who understands and who intimately knows what you are going through because they are going through the exact same thing.  In short, you want them to be your ally. People who band together during times of stress not only face the stress with more resolve, but they are more closely bonded with their partners in crime.  Do not turn on each other like mice in a cage. Hold hands and stand together.

The good news in this situation was that both people seemed pretty willing to put in the time.  And, make no mistake.  Saving your marriage can take a good deal of time and effort.  This wife kept using the terms of “loss” and “lost” when she described her marriage.  This isn’t being overly dramatic.  There is often a loss of intimacy, empathy, and closeness when couples go through this.  It’s vital that you focus on getting it back.  Because couples that can’t or won’t get it back can eventually face a loveless or unsatisfying marriage set on a path of separation or divorce.  And you both deserve more than this.  And since you are both willing to reclaim it, why not start today?  Why not take a chance and make time for what should be the most important relationship in your life – your marriage.

When my husband and I began attempting to reconcile, it felt like we had lost so much ground.  Sometimes, it was easy to feel discouraged and to focus on the negative.  But once I educated myself about the reconciliation process, I learned that focusing on the positive and setting the right environment was vital to our success.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How To Bring Your Marriage Back To Life: How To Get Back You’ve Lost In A Lifeless Marriage

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives worry that their separated husband is “over” them because he has started to see other people during the separation.  And many worry that if he’s over his wife, this mean that the marriage is over and that a divorce is going to follow.  A wife might say: “my husband and I separated about three months ago.  We haven’t been fighting horribly or anything, but my husband hasn’t made any attempts to come home, even though there have been instances where we had started to reconnect.  At one point, my husband told me that he didn’t know if he would ever get over me.  This gave me some hope.  However, for the last week, he’s been honest about the fact that he has started to see other people.  What does this mean for my separation and for my marriage?  Does his seeing other people mean that he’s over me?  And if he’s over me, is my marriage over?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

A Husband Who Is Seeing Other People May Be Trying To Cope Or Explore Rather Than To Move On:  Of course, I had no way to know exactly what this husband was thinking.    Many husbands in this situation are just torn and trying to cope.  Sometimes, their family or friends are telling them they need to “stop moping” or “move on” so they feel pressured to see other people even if their heart isn’t really in it.

Additionally, sometimes men just want to explore what happens in terms of their thoughts and feelings when they see other people.  Sometimes, their intention isn’t to get serious with someone else.  Rather, they want to see if dating others make them miss their wife or if other women seem inferior to their wife by comparison. Believe it or not, sometimes this situation actually helps the marriage because the husband actually finds that he misses his wife since seeing the other woman makes him feel empty and makes him want his wife that much more.

I Find It Hard To Believe A Husband Can “Get Over His Wife” After Only Three Months Or So:  This separation had only lasted for three months.  Unless their marriage was just an awful one that made the husband absolutely miserable, it was hard to believe that the husband would be completely over his wife and ready to move on within that short amount of time.  Sure, he might be seeing other women and he may even think that he’s been successful.  But I suspect that even if he isn’t experiencing overtly negative feelings, somewhere deep inside, he still must feel something for his wife.  Three months is just too soon to be completely over someone in my opinion.  Of course, the husband and others may disagree.

What Should You Do If You Fear Your Husband Is Over You Or Moving On During Your Separation?:  My best advice would be not to panic.  It didn’t seem as if the husband in this situation was seeing any one woman in particular.  He was basically just casually dating different people.  He was basically just starting out and exploring.  Of course, this made the wife afraid that he was going to eventually move on for good, but, as I said earlier, this is certainly not always the case.  Many times, the husband’s attempt at dating isn’t completely successful and it makes him miss his wife.   That’s why you should not jump to conclusions or act in a way that makes your husband feel defensive.  I know that it’s tempting to want to demand answers from him and ask him what this means.  But sometimes, if you make too much out of this, you actually push him into defending it and therefore pursuing it even more.

My suggestion would be to acknowledge that you are troubled and confused by his seeing other people, but to, for now, let it go at that and continue to observe.  Continue to be upbeat and easily approachable and considering adding a little mystery to the equation.  I honestly don’t advocate seeing other people just to make him jealous because this will typically only confuse you more.  But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going out with your friends or family and letting him wonder where you are.  He certainly doesn’t need to think that you are sitting at home mourning and waiting on him.  Because if he’s wondering what you are doing, he will have a little more incentive to evaluate where he is going with this.  I’d like to make more point.  While creating a little mystery is good, you don’t want to give the impression that you are moving on or are no longer interested in your husband.  Because doing so could give him more incentive to step up his dating, which is the last thing you want.

Instead, you want to lay a positive foundation so that he wants to interact with you and so that, eventually, he looks around and wonders why he is wasting his time with other women when he could be with you full time.

I was always very paranoid about other women when my husband and I were separated.  What I didn’t realize was that strengthening our relationship and our bond should have been my biggest concern.   My paranoia actually pushed my husband further away, but when I placed my focus on just us, this brought him much closer so that we could eventually reconcile.  If it helps you with your own situation, you’re welcome to read the whole story of our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on If My Husband Is Seeing Other People During Our Separation, Does This Mean He’s Over Me

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives have separated husbands who are saying one thing in front of the kids, but are then saying different things behind closed doors.  Many times, the husband will put on a happy face or paint a positive picture about getting back together when the children are around.  But, when the children are gone, he will change his stance or he won’t do anything to follow up on his claims. These mixed messages can be extremely frustrating and hurtful.

One of these wives might explain: “my husband and I have been separated for four months.  We have made some progress, but there are still issues that we need to work out.  However, every time we go out together as a family, my husband will give our children lots of hope that we are getting back together.  He will allude to when he gets home and how we are going to do all sorts of things together as a family.  But, when the kids aren’t around, he will back off of these claims and he never makes any move to come home or to back up his promises.  I’m starting to wonder if he’s only saying these things for the benefit of the kids when he doesn’t really mean any of it.  Should I call him on these claims or demand that he finally makes good on his promises?  I just don’t know how to handle this. The mixed messages are driving me crazy.” I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

He May Well Be Putting On A Happy Face For The Sake Of The Kids, But This Doesn’t Necessarily Mean That He’s Lying:  It’s not uncommon for husbands to try to make things seem a little more hopeful when you are around the kids, or even when he wants to make you happy.  He’s often well aware that the separation is hurtful and stressful to his family and he may want to make things better.   So he may let some positive phrases about the future slip.  But when he doesn’t make any attempt to act on these promises, the wife can start to believe that he was lying or that he was stretching the truth for the sake of the kids.  This isn’t always the case.

Sometimes, he really does see positive things happening in the future.  Or, he may be hopeful that things are going to improve so much between you that the things he’s bringing up are actually possible.  What many wives do not realize is that the husband is seeing things in the distant, rather than the immediate, future.  Many men will tell you that when they have these types of conversations, they are not alluding to next week.  They are alluding to that time in the future when things will have improved so much that everyone knows that it is the right time for him to return back home. He is assuming that things will continue to improve at the same pace that they have been.  That’s why I think it’s sometimes a bad idea to demand that he make good on his claims or accuse him of stretching the truth.  In my experience, any bit of hope is a good sign.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Is Sending Mixed Signals About The Separation Or Divorce:  I understand that this is a frustrating situation.  I’ve been there myself and I know that when your husband says things that get your hopes up, then you automatically want your situation to improve and change immediately.  When they doesn’t happen, you can begin to ask yourself if you’re seeing things that aren’t there or if he’s just playing with your emotions.  And it’s also normal to take these frustrations out on him and to ask him why it is taking him so long to actually take some action toward coming home.

Don’t Thwart Yourself: It’s important to understand that calling him on his claims or pressuring him to take some action can actually make it less likely that you are going to get what you want.  Your husband could well be giving positive signals because, although he feels hopeful about the future, he wants to see things continue to improve between you.  But when you add in conflict to an already delicate situation, you run the risk of him thinking that he was wrong about the progress that you were making.  And as a result, he might change his mind or begin to think of you or the situation negatively.  Both of these things usually mean that he will take longer to come home, if he even comes home at all.

It is so much better to try to have some patience, and talk to him about your concerns.  You can say this in a direct but nonconfrontational way.  The next time he says things about getting back together in front of your kids, you might wait until you’re alone to follow up.  And you may want to say something like: “it makes us happy when you speak positively about the future. I hope this means that you’re happy with the positive strides we’re made and expect to see even more.  I hope we both have the same goal of your coming home when things have improved enough to make us both comfortable that when we do reconcile, our marriage is going to be a happy one that lasts.  I hope that you’ll communicate with me if there’s anything that concerns you about coming home.  In the meantime, let’s just enjoy being together and focus on continuing to make progress.”

Hopefully, you see that this message lets him know that you are anxious for him to come home, but it also lets him know that you understand that he needs to continue to see progress to move forward.  This reassures him that you aren’t going to pressure him or act in such a way to halt or stall your progress.  And this is going to help your cause more than trying to rush him along.

I do understand wanting to get your husband to come home as soon as possible.  Getting my husband home was my primary goal when we were separated.  But my pressure actually pushed him further away.  It wasn’t until I backed off and gave the appearance of patience that he came closer.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on Mixed Messages During The Separation Or Divorce: He Says He Wants To Get Back Together In Front Of The Kids, But He Doesn’t Act On It

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who are extremely shocked and confused.  Often, they come home to find that their husband has left.  Or, without any explanation, he will just walk in the bedroom, pack his bag,  walk out the door, and leave the wife without ever looking back.   Many wives are reeling not just because their husband has left them, but because they don’t have any idea why he has left and when (or if) he’s going to come back.

One of the wives might say: “last Wednesday, I came home to find my husband in the bedroom packing his bags.  I actually think that he had planned to leave while I was at work, but I come home early that day and interrupted him.  I asked him what on earth he was doing and he simply said ‘I’m leaving you’ and walked past me, opened the front door, and left.  Needless to say, I tried to flag him down so we could talk, but he just drove away.  Then, he would not answer my calls or texts.  I have no idea where he even went.  I’ve tried calling his family and friends but they won’t take my calls either.   I truly did not see this coming.   Sure, we have minor problems in our marriage from time to time but I certainly didn’t think it was this bad.  What am I supposed to do now?  I don’t want to let my marriage go.  I want to know this instant why in the world he left me.  I deserve answers.  I want to know how he would do this.”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Try To Focus More On How To Proceed Than On Finding The Answers That May Not Be Immediate:  Many wives in this scenario have one goal in mind.  They want to track him down and demand answers from him.  Many have no problem with a nasty confrontation designed to determine why in the world he would leave without any explanation at all.  In short, they are angry and their intention is to get answers by whatever means necessary.  But here’s the problem with that.  Often, you are so focused on getting answers that you miss the bigger issue.  And that issue is that your husband is gone.  Right now, the main goal should be coming up with a workable and successful plan to get him back in the right way.  This means that you will need to attempt to get him back in a way that is healthy, nondetrimental and actually increases the chances for your marriage to thrive and succeed once he comes home.

Don’t Panic.  Often, You Will Get Your Answers Without Needing To Do Something That You Regret:  I remember when I was in this situation.  I was so scared and so angry that my behaviors were ones that were sort of embarrassing and certainly not typical of me.   And when I was acting this way, I knew that I was out of control but, at the time, I couldn’t seem to reign myself in.  It’s so important that you do not allow yourself to become panicked or to exhibit behavior that is only going to make him want to get away that much more.  Often if you are patient and calm, the answers will come without your needing to try so very hard.  Not only that but when the answers do come, you will know that you didn’t make any unfortunate choices that are going to damage your relationship even more.  Usually, your husband will eventually calm down and will contact you.  This is the best scenario and so much preferable to your tracking him down by any means necessary.

Once You Make Contact, Approach Him In A Mature Way Meant To Solve Problems Rather Than To Create More:  I know how frustrated you are right now because I have been there myself.   I know that it’s very easy to become panicked.  Your feelings can be all over the place.  One second you may be furious at him, and the next second you may be willing to agree to almost anything (or willing to make any promise whatsoever) just to get him to come home.   But neither of these strategies make it more likely that you are going to have long-term success.  I know that it’s very easy to look at the short-term and to tell yourself that you will say or do anything to get him home, but this truly is so short-sighted.   Because what happens when he does come home and you don’t have a plan?  The chances are decent that whatever is making him unhappy eventually will do so once again and so eventually he will leave once again.

Instead, you want to identify and solve the problem so that you don’t have to constantly worry about his leaving.  What you want is to create a stronger marriage and a healthier bond so that you have long-term rather than short-term success.  That’s why it’s so important that you approach him as someone who is willing to compromise and work with him rather than someone who is angry with him and wants to strong-arm him into coming home at all costs no matter what it takes.

When my husband left, I made some very unfortunate choices that I had to work very hard to undo.  This almost cost me my marriage but eventually, I learned how to change course and make things better rather than worse.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I saved my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on What Are You Supposed To Do When Your Husband Packs A Bag And Leaves Without Any Explanation Or Warning?

By: Leslie Cane: Some wives are dealing with husbands who are giving several mixed signals about wanting a separation. On the one hand, they are telling their wives that they think a separation is best. But on the other hand, they will be somewhat affectionate or will make comments like they will miss their wife or don’t want to give her up.

One of these wives may say, in part: “my husband told me three weeks ago that he thinks we should get a separation. During that time, he has been looking at apartments and last week, he told me that he found one. He was packing last night and he said ‘I know the separation is the right thing, but I don’t want to give you up. And I have no idea how I’m supposed to let you go. This really is so hard.’  When my husband says things like this, I get so frustrated because frankly, this is really hard for me, especially when he makes comments like that. I mean, when you separate, aren’t you letting the person go in a sense? And if he doesn’t want to let me go, then why is he pushing a separation? When I ask him these questions, he tells me that it is complicated and that, although he is conflicted, he feels that we need to pursue a separation. I just don’t know what to make of this. Why does he say things like this that contradict each other which hurt me and leave me confused? Is he trying to let me down easy or does he enjoy hurting me?”

I doubt that the husband was saying these things to hurt his wife. Many husbands are quite conflicted about a separation. This can especially be true when he sees how much the same is hurting his wife. And, just like you, it can be hard for him to turn off his feelings. A separation doesn’t mean that he no longer loves you or that he doesn’t wish that things were different. In the following article, I will tell you what it can mean when your husband says contradictory things at the beginning of a separation.

He’s Likely Being Honest When He Says He Doesn’t Want To Let You Go. He Often Wishes That There Was Another Way To Solve Things: Many wives think that their husbands say contradictory things because they are trying to let them down easy. The wives often think that the husbands don’t mean the things that would indicate that the feelings are still there. This often isn’t the case. The feelings don’t just disappear when the marriage is in trouble. While negative feelings sometimes compete with or counteract with the positive ones, the positive feelings are often still there, and this can make the separation that much more difficult.

Men will often utter comments like: “it’s very difficult because I do love my wife and I wish our marriage was different, but it’s not. I don’t know how else to sort this out. I still love her and I don’t want to let her or our marriage go, but we have serious problems that we need to overcome.”

Another common comment is something like “believe me if loving each other was enough, then my wife and I would be OK. This is not about not loving each other because we do. The love is there, but the ability to have a healthy and fulfilling marriage is not. If I could miraculously make our marriage work tomorrow, I would, but I can’t seem to make it so.”

Hopefully, you can see the theme here. The husbands often still have loving feelings toward their wives, but they don’t know how to fix things so that the marriage works for both of them. Hopefully, it’s now obvious that since the feelings are there, fixing the issues might just also fix the marriage.

Try To Focus On The Issues Instead Of The Feelings: If your husband is saying things like he doesn’t want to let you go or is giving you phrases that indicate that he still has loving feelings for you, then in my opinion you should trust that this is true unless he is giving you a reason to believe that he is trying to deceive you. Instead, of continuing to ask him (or yourself) why he’s talking about these feelings, ask yourself what is keeping the feelings from being enough.

Because generally speaking, there is something that is keeping the feelings from being sufficient for him to stay home and not push for the separation. Only you know what the issue might be. But some examples are things like: a conflict that just keeps cropping up; “growing apart; a lack of intimacy; misunderstandings; communication issues; sexual issues; money issues; and the list goes on and on. But often, you both know what the central issues are that need to be worked through. And the good news is that since the feelings are still there, if you are successful in addressing the issues, then the feelings might once again take the center stage followed by the commitment to your marriage so that the separation won’t be necessary or can come to an end.

And often, once you are able to work through the conflict, the feelings that were there become stronger because you have weathered the storm together and you have come out united as a result. So to answer the question posed, your husband’s conflicting stance about your separation and his feelings for you can actually be good news because it means that the feelings are still there and now you need to work on the conflict. Many people think that they are separating because the feelings are gone. It is harder to work through the conflict while trying to return the feelings than vice verse.  So in that way, you are actually fortunate. Try to focus on that positive turn of events and not be driven by fear and doubt. Your real goal should be not to determine if and why he’s being truthful, but to solve the conflict to get him home or to not want the separation at all.

When my husband and I were separated, I would always doubt him when he would say something positive.  This caused a lot more conflict. It wasn’t until I just started trusting in his feelings and eventually having confidence that we could work things out that things changed.  Confidence can make all of the difference.  If it helps, you can read about how this played out on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Says He Wants A Separation, But Then He Says He Doesn’t Want To Give Me Up Or Let Me Go. What Does This Mean?

By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who have reached a very explosive or troubling period within their marriage.  I might hear from someone whose spouse has just admitted to feeling hatred toward the other spouse or toward the marriage.  I heard from a wife whose marriage had been struggling partly due to money issues.  Her husband had lost his job and every time the wife purchased something that wasn’t an absolute necessity, a huge fight erupted.   The wife had purchased a new heater for her mother but neglected to tell her husband about it.  Needless to say, when the husband saw the credit card bill, he exploded.  The wife recounted: “he held up the bill and followed me around the house asking if I was trying to destroy us financially.  I tried to explain that my mother’s house was freezing and I really had no choice and he blurted out ‘are you determined to put us into bankruptcy with your spending and your lies? I hate you at this point.  I can’t even stand to look at you.  It’s like you’re constantly going behind my back and trying to sabotage our lives.  I don’t think I can take this any more.’  I didn’t know how to respond.  The sabotage comments have happened before, but to hear him express pure hatred for me is almost more than I can take.  How should you respond when you love your spouse but they blurt out that they hate you?”   I’ll tell you my take on this in the following article.

Many Times, Your Spouse Really Means That They Hate Your Behaviors Or Your Actions Rather Than That They Hate You:  Probably about ninety-nine percent of the time, a couple is fighting or in a high-stress situation when the “I hate you” comment comes at a very volatile moment.  There’s usually a fight and hurtful words are exchanged.   I am not trying to excuse your spouse’s hurtful words or to insinuate that he didn’t mean any of the sentiment behind the words.  But it’s important to understand that typically when you hear words like this, it’s because tensions are running high.

Often, your spouse is reacting out of frustration and if they are being honest when they calm down,  they will sometimes admit that while they might hate your actions or your behavior, they don’t actually hate you.  There’s a huge difference between hating the thing a person has done and hating the person themselves.  But none of this means that you shouldn’t pay close attention to what your spouse has said and ask yourself if there is any validity to their concerns.

How To Respond When Your Spouse Says He Or She Hates You:  The worst thing that you can do is to reply that the feeling is mutual when this is anything but true.  It’s also not a great idea to retaliate with a hurtful response that is just going to make the fight worse or perpetuate the disagreement.   I know that the words are hurtful, but try to stay calm.  The best response is typically something like: “well that hurts, but I understand that you’re angry and frustrated.  I don’t hate you.  I love you and I want to work this out.  Can we discuss this when we both have a chance to calm down?  I really want to work through this, but now is probably not the best time.  Let’s calm down, regroup and address why you’re so angry.”

I know that diffusing the situation is asking a lot when the person you love has just expressed the emotion that is the exact opposite of love.  But staying and continuing to argue or debate the point when emotions are that high is usually not the best idea.   If you can make it clear that, despite the high amount of frustration, you still love your spouse and want to make things right, this can usually bring about a faster resolution.

Once The Whole “I Hate You” Comment Blows Over, Understand That You Should Still Examine The Underlying Cause Of The Words:  Typically, once everyone calms down, apologies are sometimes made, or at the very least both people try to just move on.   It’s normal to not really want to discuss what happened because it’s so painful that no one really wants to dwell on it.  But it’s important to not just brush this under the rug.  Because if you don’t solve the problem that leads to the “I hate you” outburst, then the issue is likely to come up again and again and it will sometimes just get worse and worse.  In the example above, the money issue was still going to be there even after the husband calmed down.  So while moving on from the hurtful comments was the goal, this couple needed to come to an agreement on finances that they could both live with or this probably wasn’t the first time this topic was going to cause serious problems.

The bottom line is this.  Often, your spouse doesn’t really mean it when they tell you that they hate you, but they are desperately trying to get your attention.  It’s in your best interest to listen before things get worse and your marriage continues to be damaged.

My husband would make hurtful comments like this to me and we would eventually make up and I’d try to forget it.  This was a mistake because we never solved the underlying problems and this eventually lead to us separating.  It wasn’t until I got serious about finally addressing our problems that things finally changed for us.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of our reconciliation that saved our marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Are You Supposed To Respond When You Still Love Your Spouse But He Says He Hates You?

By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives are terribly frustrated with their husband’s refusal to take their feelings and frustrations about the marriage seriously.  Many wives who contact me are desperately worried about their marriage and many are quite unhappy.  But their husbands don’t share in these worries and they will often try to shut down their wives’ attempts to discuss the same.  Of course, in the wife’s eyes, this can sometimes only make the situation worse.  One of these wives might say:  “I feel like my marriage is in real trouble.  My husband and I don’t talk that much anymore and are rarely intimate.  I want to talk to my husband about this so that we can both come up with answers.  But every time I try, he will either tell me that there is nothing wrong with our marriage or he will just out and out refuse to listen.  He will sigh and roll his eyes as if to say ‘here we go again.’ He has taken this so far as to get up and leave the room.  This is all so ridiculous because here I am trying to talk to him to improve our marriage, but he gets angry with me so that I end up hurting our marriage.  And yet, I can’t bring myself to give up and to stop trying to talk to him.  He’s my husband.  This is our marriage.  Why won’t he listen to me?  And is there a way for me to get him to finally hear what I have to say and not to discount me?”  I will offer some suggestions that might help in the following article.

Make Sure That Your Husband Doesn’t Take Your Attempts At Discussion As Criticism: Sometimes I hear from men in this situation, and many express that their wife’s concerns come out sounding like criticism.  Instead of taking the discussion as you have intended it (as a way to open the lines of communication and improve your marriage,) they take it as your letting them know that they and the marriage are not making you happy.  This can come out sounding like you are criticizing them so they will become defensive and refuse to talk about it.  In this way, their refusal to communicate is more of a defense mechanism for their sake rather than a rejection of you or the marriage.

It’s important to remember this because many wives take the husband’s refusal to listen or talk as a rejection of them when this is not necessarily true.   He may not see the severity of the situation that you see or he may be avoiding the issue in order to avoid drama or pain.  And one more point, it’s pretty well known that men can sometimes lack communication skills, especially when it comes to feelings.  It makes them feel inadequate and, as the result, they can sometimes shut down.

Try To Let Him See What’s In It For Him:  I don’t mean to insinuate that your husband is a selfish jerk that is only concerned about his own feelings or what is happening to him.  But, it’s only human nature to suddenly start listening or to give your attention when you think that what is being said directly affects you or your quality of life.  So, if you can make your husband see what’s in it for him when he listens to you or dialogs with you about your concerns, then you are much more likely to get his attention and cooperation.  And, sometimes, this all lies in the way that you phrase things.   I mean, of course, you want more attention, affection, and validation from him.  But, what does he want from you?  Because if you can pinpoint what it is that might make him pay attention, and incorporate that into your conversation, you will often see him suddenly willing to talk.  If you make him think that a closer or improved marriage would give him more of what he wants, I’d be willing to bet that you’re going to find yourself talking to a much more involved and attentive husband.

Make Sure He Knows That Talking Will Be Followed Up With Action.  People Get Tired Of Constantly Talking When It Leads To Nowhere: Some men admit that they grow tired of talking when nothing ever changes.  I often hear comments like: “all my wife wants to do is to talk.  Well, I’m all talked out because it’s like we go around in circles.  Nothing ever really changes.  Because it’s just all talk and no action, I start to just tune her out.”   Ask yourself if this could be one of the problems in your marriage.   If you’re talking at him on a regular basis, but then neither of you end up making any changes or taking any action, you have to realize that it’s possible that his unwillingness to listen right now could be due to his doubt that it’s going to make any differences at all.

Setting The Stage To Have A Productive Conversation About Your Marriage:  Don’t try to bring this up when you’re fighting or one of you is on edge.  In fact, you’ll often have more success if you bring it up when things are going well and when you can be somewhat playful.  Tell him that some things about your marriage concern you and you’d like to discuss what both of you need in order to be happier and more fulfilled.  Make sure that you are approachable and nonjudgmental.  You don’t want him to be afraid or nervous about being completely honest.  He needs to feel as if he can be forthcoming and that you will act on and take to heart whatever he says.  If things begin to get tense or don’t go well, don’t push.  Don’t allow this to lead to an argument.  Try to then make some positive changes and have a positive attitude so that when you come back to this topic the next time, he will have positive reinforcement and he’ll be more willing to talk more.  This might be a gradual process, but if it gets you the results you want, it can certainly be worth it. And you deserve to feel heard.

I wish that I had used these tactics when I knew that my marriage was in real trouble.  My husband never wanted to talk about it and, by the time we got around to actually having a meaningful discussion, it was when we were already separated.  At that point, things had greatly deteriorated.  But, I was able to use some of these tactics for positive reinforcement during our separation and it helped a good deal.  We did save our marriage so the process was most certainly worth it.  If it helps, you can read about that entire recovery process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on When I Try To Talk To My Husband About Our Troubled Marriage, He Refuses To Listen

By Leslie Cane: Some spouses feel as though they might be at crossroads in their marriage.  They typically aren’t quite as happy as they might like, or they are experiencing problems within the marriage that are causing a great deal of stress.  Because of this, they wonder if it is time to just let their marriage go and move on or if they should stay and attempt to fight for it.  Many of them declare their marriage “dead.” Usually, the big unknown is whether or not the marriage can be saved and, if so, if it will actually be a happy marriage or if it will be just more of the same unhappiness.  People often hesitate to stick around if there is really going to be nothing to look forward to in the end.

Someone might explain: “I feel as if there is nothing left for me in my marriage.  My husband doesn’t listen to or appreciate me.  We kind of just pass each other in the hall like strangers.  There isn’t any intimacy or humor anymore.   Sometimes, I think that it’s time to admit that my marriage isn’t working, to just let it go, and to move on with my life.  It’s a dead marriage right now. But when I have these thoughts, I am torn because my husband really is a very good and loving person.  He just isn’t all that good and loving to me lately.  But he is an honorable and kind man.  He hasn’t done anything abusive or mean to me.  But, somehow, I just don’t feel loved and appreciated and I’m no longer all that happy.  I don’t light up when we are together anymore. How do you know when you should leave your failing marriage and move on or when you should stay and work it out, especially when you can’t see into the future?”

Evaluating If Now Is The Time To Walk Away: These were very loaded questions.  As this wife suspected, the answers are typically based on faith or hope since no one can see what tomorrow holds.  You have to make the decision based on your own feelings, your observations from both the past and the present, and your wishes for the future.  You also have to take into account the personalities of both you and your spouse and how important your marriage is to you at this time.  In the following article, I’ll provide some questions or considerations that might help to at least put things in perspective and help you evaluate the situation as you move toward making a decision.

Do You Feel That Remaining In Your Marriage Is Unhealthy For You Or Limiting For Your Future? Will You Take Your Unhappiness With You?:  Some people will ultimately choose to move on from their failing marriage because they decide that it is ultimately unhealthy for them and they don’t see it changing in any meaningful way.  In other words, the marriage has become a dark cloud over one of the partners and they can’t see any way out other than to end things and move on.  I would caution you, though, that many people in this state end up taking some elements of their unhappiness with them.  They often wrongly assume that their spouse and their marriage is the source of all of their problems and then they are confused when they are still unhappy long after the marriage is over.

If you find yourself in your situation, examine your life in its totality.   Because if there are any individual issues contributing to your unhappiness, they will likely still remain once your marriage is over.  And ending your marriage solely because of this can be a mistake.  With that said, many people look around and feel strongly that their partner or marriage is the sole issue that is keeping them from truly being happy.

Can You Still See Some Good In Your Marriage Or In Your Partner?:  Some of the people who contact me are very clear on the fact that their spouse is a good person.   They have no problem with their spouse’s character or personality.  In fact, most of their problems lie with the state of their marriage.  In situations like this (where you can still see some positive attributes in your spouse,) it is often easier to get the marriage back on track.  Because you still feel at least some affection and empathy for your partner, you are likely dealing with someone who will at least attempt to meet you halfway.

On the other hand, people are sometimes very resentful toward their spouses.  They feel intense dislike or even hatred.  They can no longer see the good in this person and only feel stress when they look at them.  In these situations, saving the marriage is certainly not impossible, but it is more difficult because the empathy just isn’t there.  You’ll have to do more work in this situation and you may need more patience, but the situation is not impossible.

Have You Begun To Rewrite Your History Or Distort Your Memories?:  Often, when people have checked out of their marriages, they sort of distort their memories and their history.  For example, if you asked a happily married couple about their first date or their wedding day, they would downplay what went wrong and they will focus on what went right.  They may forget about how it stormed or other small disasters because they are remembering the feelings at the time, even if those feelings have waned.

In contrast, people who have checked out of their marriages often don’t remember or recount those good memories.  They will tell you about the storms or describe the situation as one continuous disaster.  And in their minds, they are telling the absolute truth because this is how they have come to see it.  They are distorting things in order to make ending their marriage easier.  This doesn’t mean that they should leave their marriages, but it is often easier for them to do so.

So, Should I Leave My Marriage Or Not?: This is not a decision that I can make for you.  It is one that only you can make because only you know how you truly feel and what you want.  Only you know your spouse’s capacity to help you reform your failing marriage to one that is thriving and will make you both happy.  I can tell you that even marriages that are perceived as horrible or dead can turn around as long as at least one person is determined to make it happen.  Some people start out having doubts but are pleasantly surprised at their progress.  Frankly, it often comes down to your level of commitment to your spouse, your underlying feelings, and your determination to make the changes that are going to give you the marriage that you want.

I’m glad that I didn’t give up on my marriage, although there were times when I had my doubts.  And I know that there were days when my husband was more than ready to walk away.  But in the end, we were able to pull together and turn things around and that was positively the right thing for us.  If it helps, you can read the story of our recovery on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Marriage Is Dead. How Do I Know If I Need To Leave My Failing Marriage And Move On? Here Are Some Questions To Ask Yourself.

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives spend a good deal of time worrying about the logistics of their separation. They know that they will be living apart from their husband. They know that some major decisions will likely come out of this time period. But often what they don’t know is how day to day life is going to work. They worry about the right way to act. They fret over the correct things to say.

One might say: “my husband is moving out this weekend. I am hoping that the separation is going to be only for the short term, but my husband won’t commit to this because he’s the one who wanted it in the first place. I know that we are going to be seeing one another a lot because we are still going to be living in the same neighborhood and our children have sports. Neither of us would dare miss our kids’ games so I am sure that we’ll be seeing each other on a regular basis. How am I supposed to act when I run into him? What am I supposed to say?”

There are no rules written down anywhere about this type of situation. But having been through this myself, I do have a definite opinion on how you should act if you want to save your marriage or you want the separation to end with him coming back home committed to you. I’ll explain in the following article.

If You’re Posturing, Don’t Be Too Obvious About It: Many wives will pretend as if it’s such a shock to see their husbands or will act as if they are caught off guard when both of you know that this isn’t entirely true. If you’re glad to see him, there’s nothing wrong with showing this. And, for the sake of your kids, you should make an effort to be friendly, cordial, and warm. These efforts can also help your cause, but make sure that you don’t come off as if you are trying too hard or that you’re so angry at him that you can’t even stand looking his way. Try to let things flow naturally and happen spontaneously.

Be Approachable Even If You Don’t Feel Completely Sure Of Your Situation: It is absolutely normal to feel anger right now. This can especially be true once reality sets in and you find yourself having to be the one to take out the garbage or jump start the car. And if one of the kids’ games happen to fall after a time when you’ve had to play both mom and dad, then it would be only natural to give him the cold shoulder or to let your resentment show. But to the extent that you can, try to avoid letting this be the only thing that he sees coming from you.

So often, situations like this tend to get out of hand. It’s not uncommon for the wife to see the husband fresh off of a stressful situation at home that fosters resentment. Let’s say the toilet overflowed right before she sees him and there is almost steam coming out of her ears when she glances his way. So while she might secretly be happy to see him, she crosses her arms and waits for him to approach her. He sees her combative stance and stays away. As a result, she assumes this means he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her and will be soon filing for divorce. Nasty texts or hang up phone calls could follow.

Do you see where I’m going with this? There’s a lot of downside potential when you let fear or anger drive your actions. Instead, try to remain approachable even if you have to force it sometimes. Because once your husband worries about what’s going to happen if he tries to talk to or reach out to you, the whole dynamics of your situation can change. At the very least, you want to be able to talk to one another on a positive level that allows you to make some progress. The last thing that you want is a situation that goes from bad to worse over something that seems so trivial. But, the truth is, when you are separated, every encounter builds upon itself. Since you don’t live together, these encounters and conversations can be the only thing that you have to go on. And that’s why, even when you are frustrated, you want to make them count.

What Happens The Next Time You Run Into Your Husband?: Don’t panic. He is still your husband after all. Put a smile on your face, reach out to him, and ask him how he is. If you’re at your kids’ sporting event, offer him a seat. Try to be as positive as you can. Not only do you owe that to your kids, but you owe it to yourself. There’s no reason to be sour and negative if you can help it. Ask him how he has been, and try to offer some positive news that you can share. You might allude to the fact that you’ve been spending time with friends, on hobbies, or on catching up somewhere else. The last thing that you want to talk about is your rage over the facts like the garbage disposal backed up and you had no one to fix it. (Although this would be a valid complaint.) Remember that you are trying to set a positive stage so that the next time you see him, things will go even better. And, the next time, you might invite him to eat with you and the kids. The idea is that each meeting should end well so that you want to do it more often so that eventually, he just wants to come home and reconcile. So to answer the question posed, you should act as positive but as natural as you possibly can when you run into your husband. And you want to show him that you care enough to ask about his situation and to share yours. And you want to show that you are still willing to engage in situations that improve the dynamic between you.

I really did not understand these principles at the beginning of our separation.  Things went badly until I changed my outlook and behaviors. Once I tried to focus on the positive and to create a sense of mystery, my husband suddenly became interested again.  If it helps, you can read the whole story from separation to reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Should I Handle It When I Run Into Or See My Husband During The Separation?