Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are trying to come up with the best response to their husband’s request to end the marriage.  Many don’t buy (or even understand) their husband’s vague reasons for wanting out.   Some example of these vague justifications are things like “wanting to start over,” “needing to be on his own,” and “wanting to live his own life.”

A wife might have a situation like this one: “three weeks ago, my husband announced that he wanted out of our marriage.  At first, he wouldn’t really elaborate on his reasons for wanting to end things between us.  But I continued to ask about his thought process.  I felt that I had a right to know just what he was thinking.  At this point, all he will say is that he feels like he “wants a clean slate.”  I have repeatedly asked him what, exactly, this means.  He never gives me a straight answer.  What does it mean when a man says that he wants a clean slate and must give up his marriage in order to get one?”  I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

What He Might Really Mean When He Says He Wants A Clean Slate:  Different men will use different phrases or terminology.  As I said before, you might hear vague type of phrases about your husband just not being happy or needing to just begin again on his own.  He may use vastly varied words but often the meaning is the same.  In essence, it often all comes down to the fact that they feel that they might be happier or feel less tied down if they were to go off on their own and end the marriage.

Please understand that I’m not saying this to make you feel bad.  Nor am I implying that any husband’s assumptions are correct.  He might be dead wrong.  It might turn out that he desperately misses his wife or finds himself every bit as unhappy once he is single.  But, whether these things are true or not, at the time when he says he wants out, he generally perceives that in some way, his life is going to be better once he ends his marriage.

Now, what has brought him to this conclusion will often vary.  Sometimes, there is a lot of conflict within the marriage and he has decided that he no longer wants drama or turmoil in his life. Other times, there’s some anxiety over having the responsibility of a wife depending on you.  And some men will tell you that for whatever reason, the marriage just isn’t making them happy enough to continue on with it.

What This Means If You Want To Save Your Marriage:  I realize that I’ve thrown a lot at you.  But if you can even generally pinpoint if any of the above justifications ring a bell for you, then that will likely help you decide how to approach this.  A husband who can’t deal with the responsibility of being married will need a very different approach to the husband who is tired of the conflict and the drama.  Because whatever it is that is making your husband believe that he can’t live his best life while you are married is going to need to be addressed as soon as possible.

With that said, the biggest mistake that I see wives make is that they make their approach or their plan so very obvious.  In other words, if the husband says he doesn’t like the conflict in the marriage, suddenly the wife will expect him to believe that she’s become super accommodating and agreeable overnight.  It’s not realistic to think that you can just erase or fix things in a very short amount of time.   Because in order for him to change his mind and no longer need that “clean slate” that he’s been talking about, he is going to need to be thoroughly convinced that any change is both genuine and lasting.

That is why you want to attempt believable and gradual changes.  You don’t necessarily need to panic or try to sell him overnight changes about which you are both bound to have some doubts.  Sit down and ask yourself where you can make very workable and very lasting changes that are going to directly address where your husband has the most concerns and doubts.   Choose changes that you can genuinely and comfortably make.  Because if you attempt to pretend or change who you are, know that the truth will always become apparent in the end.  That’s why it’s so important to address things in a very genuine manner.  This is going to need to be a long commitment, so it has to be something that you can maintain.

If you make promises that you can’t keep, it’s likely that your husband is going to eventually start talking about his clean slate again and then changing things once again so that he actually believes you are going to be even more challenging the second time around.

When my husband wanted to begin his life again so that he could have a “clean slate” without me, I admit that I absolutely panicked and I promised him everything under the sun.  This was apparently a turn off because it only made things worse for me.  It wasn’t until I got real about myself and about my marriage that things begin to change so that eventually I could save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read about our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure how to proceed once their husband has announced that he wants a separation.  Some still want to save their marriages.  But, at the same time, they don’t want to follow a path that is going to lead to a lost cause.  And they don’t want to be taken advantage of.  This can especially be true when the husband wants to separate but doesn’t appear to be in any real hurry to move out.

A wife might explain: “my husband told me two weeks ago that he wanted to separate.  A separation is not what I want and my husband knows it.  That might be why he’s hoping to continue to live with me during the separation.  He is hoping that I won’t kick him out.  This was my house before we got married.  In fact, most everything in this house was mine.  My friends say if he wants a separation, I should kick him out or at least strongly suggest that he move out promptly.  They say that if he isn’t sure about our marriage, then he doesn’t deserve a free place to live. They say if I kick him out and show him how lonely it would be to live on his own, he might stop with all this separation nonsense.  I’m afraid of this strategy. My concern is that if I kick him out, he might not come back and he might not have anything to do with me at all.  And if we don’t have regular contact, how are we going to get back together?  I understand the thinking behind kicking him out and playing hardball, but I’m just not sure if this is the right strategy for me.”

It would appear that this wife was being pulled in many different directions.  And since her heart was already broken, she was hurting badly. I actually agreed with her thought process.  Many times, getting a husband to come home after he initiates a separation can be quite a challenge.  This challenge can be easier if you have regular access to him so that you don’t have to continually play games in order to entice him to allow contact.  Things are much easier if you know that you are going to see him regularly.

With that said, I understand that you might feel taken advantage of if you continue to allow him to live in the marital home when he’s no longer sure about the marriage.  But the key words in that last sentence are “no longer sure.”  I didn’t say he was sure that the marriage was over. Nor did I say he was sure that he wanted a divorce.  The very nature of a separation is that it allows you both the time to ponder your marriage and then hopefully make a calm and rational decision about the future of it (since hopefully, you’ve had the distance to ensure that you aren’t making completely emotionally driven decisions.)

A separation isn’t the same as a divorce.  While I could certainly understand wanting your husband to move out on the eve of a divorce, I think that it might be premature when you’re only talking about the beginning stages of a separation.  If you ask him to move out, it is almost as if you are initiating the separation becoming permanent.  And, if you want to save your marriage, then this should be the last thing that you want.

So to answer the question posed, I would have to disagree with this wife’s friend and say that in my experience and observation, it’s not the best idea to ask your husband to move out in the beginning stages of a separation.  The reason for this is that having close access to him will make saving your marriage a good bit easier because you will not have to worry about setting things up so that you can interact with him.  Nor do you have to deal with the animosity that comes with kicking him out of the house.  Finally, by asking him to move, you seem to be moving your relationship toward two individuals living apart rather than one couple living together, which should be your goal if you want to save your marriage.

My husband moved out on his own when we separated and it was very difficult to initiate or get him to accept regular contact.  Getting back together was harder and took longer than it should have until I came up with a workable plan and became crafty about implementing it.  If it helps, you can read about how this plan worked on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Some wives experience quite conflicting feelings after their husband has come home from a trial separation.  Often, they are so relieved that he has finally decided to return home because this is what they have been hoping for all along.  But, despite this, they are sometimes confused as to what happens now.  Part of the time, they don’t really want to dwell on what went wrong, but they often have nagging doubts that the problems that lead to the separation in the first place never truly went away.

One might say: “during the whole time that my husband was gone for our trial separation, I used to pray every night that he would come home the next day.  And this finally happened, but now I’m not sure what to do.  He’s home, but we’re kind of starting at each other and feeling one another out.  It doesn’t feel entirely comfortable or right.  In fact, there are times that things feel downright awkward.  I’m wondering if I should once again push for us to go to counseling.  I just want for things to work out this time.  Because if he were to leave again, I’m not sure if I could handle it. So what should we be doing right now?  Because I don’t want to do anything wrong.”

My first bit of advice would be to just try to relax.  Her husband coming back home was an absolutely wonderful thing.  But she was so worried about what she should or should not be doing that she couldn’t focus on anything but her worry.  And this dynamic wasn’t all that great for her marriage either.  So in the following article, I’ll tell you from my own experience what I believe is the best course of action when your husband returns home after a trial separation.

Try To Demonstrate How Much His Returning Home Means To You, But Don’t Apply Too Much Pressure:  It’s normal to be ecstatic that he has finally come home.  And there is nothing wrong with allowing him to see how happy and excited you are.  But, at the same time, you don’t want to imply that your work is finished.  You don’t want to make him feel so much pressure that he’s afraid to tell the truth about his feelings for fear of hurting you again.

You are going for a combination of genuine happiness coupled with the truth which is that you likely still have a good deal of work to do and a great deal of improvement that is not only possible but also necessary.

Understand That His Coming Home Might Be Just The Beginning:  I am not trying to detract from your happiness and excitement.  But there is a real risk of becoming complacent and believing that your work is done once you have finally lured him home.   Since he has not been living with you, it’s fairly likely that you didn’t have ample time to work on or address those things that lead to the separation in the first place.  Now, you both may have decided that the problems don’t matter as much as you had originally thought.  It’s very common for both people to agree to disagree in order to keep the marriage together.  But I would still say that there is usually always some places in your marriage that can use some improvement.

And, if nothing else, often a separation does show you that you shouldn’t be complacent with your marriage or with your spouse.   Be committed to checking in with your spouse regularly and asking yourself what could make both of you happier.  Be committed to continuing to make things better and better since every marriage could use some additional attention and introspection.

Don’t Try To Do Too Much Too Soon.  Become Reacquainted and Comfortable Again Before You Attempt Making Changes Or Improvements:  It’s completely normal to be fearful of him one day leaving again and never coming back.  That’s why many wives are tempted to demand intensive counseling or drastic changes immediately after he comes home.  Their intentions are good ones.  They don’t want any issues or problems sneaking their way into the marriage and ruining the reconciliation that they have worked so hard to facilitate.   But there is a real risk in pushing so hard that you are not relishing in being together again.

You want to make sure that you take the time to bond and connect again.  You want for your marriage to be as strong as possible to ensure that it can withstand any changes or improvements.  So as tempting as it might be to want to roll up your sleeves and get right to work, make sure that you first take a little time to become comfortable and strongly bonded with your spouse again.  Not only will this allow you to ease into the process, it will also greatly improve your chances for long-term success.

In truth, I pushed too hard and came on too strong after my husband moved back in after we separated.  I had to eventually back off and just relax a little bit.  We had our issues to work through, but I tried to balance this with having fun while bonding again.  If it helps, you can  read the personal details of that process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives attempt to gauge their husband’s behavior after leaving as an indication as to whether their marriage even stands a chance.  Some husbands actually seem much happier after leaving.  Some become very distant or secretive.  And others have no problem admitting that they are quite confused. A wife could explain: “when our marriage started having issues, it deteriorated very quickly.  We began to fight all the time.  My husband got fed up and left me.  He told me he would be in contact when he had a better handle on what he wanted to do to move forward.  I miss him so much.  He called me the other day and admitted that he is ‘confused right now.’  I’m not sure what this means for my marriage.  Is it a good sign that he’s confused.  I figure him being confused is better than him being certain that he is going to pursue a divorce.  Am I right?”

His confusion can be a good sign.  Or, it can just be a delay.  Sometimes, it depends on how you handle things during the separation, which I will discuss below.

Why A Husband Who Has Left But Is Now Confused Can Be A Positive Sign:  The wife was correct in her assumption that his confusion could be a good sign.  After all, his indecision is certainly better than him moving forward with a divorce since there isn’t any doubt in her mind.   And this does happen in some cases.  Some husbands actually find relief after they leave and they find that their life is happier as a single man.  So, they have no conflict when they go forward and pursue a divorce.

But a man who is confused very often has mixed feelings about his marriage.  On the one hand, he knows that things haven’t been going very well and that change is desperately needed.  But, on the other hand,  he often still has feelings for his wife or a loyalty to his marriage.  So this can leave him feeling unsure of what needs to happen next.  This also shows that he’s reluctant to rush through the process because he wants to ensure that he is making the correct decision, which most certainly can be a positive sign.

Why Your Behaviors And Actions Matter A Great Deal Right Now:  Many wives become quite frustrated when their husbands begin to claim he’s confused.  It’s very tempting to say something like: “well what is there to be confused about?”  Or “well you weren’t all that confused when you decided to walk out on your obligations,”  but try to resist these types of negative reactions.   If your responses or behaviors make your husband feel pressured, embarrassed or ashamed, then he may decide to just stop being indecisive and to go ahead and pursue a divorce.  Or, he may think very negatively of you and as a result, he may begin to retreat or to limit his contact with you.  All of these things will make it less likely that you will have a good outcome or will be able to save your marriage.

How To Respond When Your Husband Says He’s Confused After He Left: Above all, try to be calm.  When you want to save your marriage, the words you want to hear are that he loves you without any doubts.  So when he instead says that he’s confused, this can be a real let down or disappointment.  But, instead of focusing on why you’re disappointed, try to focus on why you should be feeling relief.  He isn’t telling you that he’s serious about someone else or that he is filing for a divorce.  He’s just telling you that he’s a bit confused and probably needs more time.

In my opinion and experience, often your best bet is to set it up so that he actually wants to be in constant contact with you.  So, you might want to say something like:  “I hear what you are saying.  I’m confused too.  But nothing says that we can’t take things slowly and decide things gradually.   Let’s just take it one day at a time and be patient.  Can we touch base tomorrow?”

Do you see the intent here?  You’re setting it up so that you are in regular contact.  This helps to ensure that his confusion is not going to cause him to begin to retreat or to isolate himself.  And you are showing him that you’re not going to pressure him with anger or impatience.   Therefore, he has no incentive to rush things or to pursue a divorce too quickly.  Since you’ve told him that you can both be patient and take your time, then he is more likely to want to see more of you.  And when this happens, you can begin to rebuild and to revitalize your relationship so that both of you are more confident and sure of your feelings.  Yes, this is a gradual process.  But it also offers you the greatest chance of success.

And frankly, it is often in your best interest that your husband doesn’t come home while he is still confused.  Because if he does, he is more likely to eventually leave again with more conviction that he wants a divorce the next time.  So it is better to be patient and to have him be sure and committed when it is time for him to come home and work on the marriage.

When I urged my husband to “just get over” his confusion,  that attempt failed miserably. He was resentful and angry that I wasn’t more patient. It wasn’t until I fully understood the principles outlined above that I was able to really make any lasting and meaningful change. And these changes made it possible for us to rediscover one another again so that we could eventually save our marriage. If it helps, you can read more about that recovery process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives strongly suspect that sometime in the near future, their marriage might come to an end.  A small percentage of these wives can pinpoint the exact year that their marriage will end because their husbands have told them when he intends to leave or seek a divorce.  One might explain, “last week, my husband and I got into a huge argument and he told me that he intended to divorce me once the kids graduate from school and are legal adults.  He said he doesn’t want to put the kids through this when they are still young so he is willing to stay married for their sake only.  How am I supposed to live like this?  And what can I do now?”

The wife was reeling.  She didn’t want a divorce.  But, more than that, she didn’t want to live the several years knowing that there was no future for the relationship.  But she knew that her husband’s mind appeared to be made up.  I will share some insights in the following article.

Try Not To Focus On The Divorce Aspect Of This.  Instead, Focus On The Fact That You Have Time To Change Things:  I know from experience that it’s very easy to focus on what you might be losing.  You can’t stop thinking about the fact that your marriage is living on borrowed time.  However, instead, it can be to your benefit to focus on the fact that you have years until he takes any action.  This gives you some time to come up with and carry out a plan that will save your marriage.

Plus, you already know that he is reluctant to divorce anyway.  Yes, this is mostly due to the children.  But not all men honor their commitment to their families when they become unhappy. Some will regret hurting their children, but they will file for divorce anyway.  The wife above did not fit into this category so she did have plenty of time to change things.

Don’t Allow Your Fear Of Losing Him To Sabotage Your Plan To Keep Him:  Many wives in this situation have a tendency to panic because of the feeling that the only thing keeping their husband bound to them is their children.  This is normal and understandable but it can be so detrimental to saving your marriage.  To the extent you can, see this as an opportunity.  Do not look at this as if your back is against the wall.  Look at it as if you have an opportunity to change your marriage into something that you both want.  Sure, it may take time.  Sure, it may not be easy.  But you do know that right now, you have two people who are committed to living together and raising children together.  This means that no one is going anywhere.  And this counts for something and will likely make the reconciliation and rebuilding process a little easier.

Give yourself permission to know that he’s not walking out tomorrow.  You have time, which means that you don’t need to do anything drastic or rash.  Instead, you can take your time and slowly rebuild something that is actually going to last long after your children leave your home.

How To Respond To Set Up The Rebuilding Process:  Many wives have no idea how they are supposed to respond to their husband’s announcement that he’s ending the marriage.  Some want to say something cruel or sarcastic in response, but this will often only make things worse.  Instead, consider remaining calm and saying something like: “well that’s very hurtful.  But I appreciate your commitment to our children because I would never want them to grow up without both of their parents.  And since we are both so committed to them,  I hope we can agree that we want these years of their childhood to contain happy memories of both of their parents.  To that end, I am committed to them seeing nothing but happily married parents.  I don’t want for them to have any idea that we are having issues.  I want for us to model a healthy and happy marriage for them, even if we know that it’s a struggle sometimes.”

This sort of set up is going to do several things for you.  Notice that you are setting a tone of cooperation.  Notice that you have laid the groundwork for the two of you to create a harmonious and healthy marriage to demonstrate for your children.   In that way, your husband isn’t going to think it’s odd when you’re loving and affectionate to him in the days to come or when you begin trying to save your marriage.  He may not even realize what you are doing if you chose to keep this to yourself for now.  And that can be fine, as long as you keep your eye on the goal and do things to improve the dynamics and the relationship between you.  Because if you can successfully do that, the odds are good that by the time your children are adults, that healthy marriage that you’ve been trying to model will exists in reality.

I know many couples that originally stayed married for the sake of their children but who did a lot of work to ensure that they stayed married long behind their children reached adulthood.  My husband and I didn’t have any kids when we separated, but the work we did during that time ensured that we are still married as parents today.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read the details of how we rebuilt our marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Wives who are at the end of their marital ropes are often at a point in their marriage where their husband isn’t making them the priority in his life.  Often, the wife believes that the husband sees their marriage almost as an afterthought.  One of these wives might explain: “we’ve been married for about five years.  For the first three years of our marriage, things were wonderful.  My husband would come right home from work and we were always together.  We were both very invested in our marriage and it showed.  We were very much in love and we very happy.  But a couple of years ago, everything changed.  He stopped coming right home from work and started going out with his friends.  He took up golf.  So now he’s gone on weekends too.  I’m so lonely in my marriage right now.  I told my husband that I just do not want to live like this anymore.  I told him he had to make a decision about prioritizing our marriage and choosing me over all his hobbies and friends.  He listened to what I had to say, but he told me that I was being too sensitive.  And then he didn’t make any changes at all.  I’m at the end of my rope.  How can I get him to choose me and our marriage?  Because if he doesn’t, I’m afraid that our marriage is going to be over.”  I’ll address this below.

Make Sure Your Request Doesn’t Sound Like Nagging So That He’s Tempted To Avoid You:  I understand how the wives feel.   Once my husband stopped prioritizing our marriage, I retreated and did the same.  Eventually, we separated.  So I completely get your wanting him to take notice and listen.  But, there’s a real danger in your asking for this so often that he sees it as nagging and he begins to tune you out.   Husbands in this situation offer comments like: “all my wife does it tell me how I’m not meeting her needs. She focuses right in or what I’m doing wrong.  It seems like every conversation is focused on her asking more of me.  If she were to have her way, I wouldn’t have any friends except for her.  I love my wife, but she asks so much of me.  So I just tune her out.”

I’m not telling you this to discourage you.  I just want for you to see why your husband may be tuning you out and why, if this is the case, continuing on with the same plan is probably going to continue to get the same results that you are currently unhappy with.  That’s why it can really help to try to use positive reinforcement, which I will discuss right now.

Try To Catch Him In Situations Where He Chooses You And Make It Worth His While To Do The Same Thing Once More:  Above, I described a situation where your husband avoids spending time with you because he knows that when he does, you are likely to make demands of him.  So, you need to change this dynamic.  You want to set it up to where when your husband does come home or chooses you in some way, you make a big deal about it in a positive way.  Instead, of saying things like “well it’s about time,” or “was no one available to play golf so now you’re stuck with me,” you want to tell him what a nice surprise his presence is for you and how much you want to cherish this time.  Then, make good on those statements by making it a night that your husband will want to repeat.

The wife in the above scenario had been married to her husband for five years.  She likely knew very well the types of things that would be memorable and pleasurable for her husband.  The whole idea is that if you give him some positive reinforcement, he is much more likely to chose you once again very soon.  And every time he does, you want to make sure you both enjoy your time together so that this eventually becomes a habit.  The idea is that you reach the point where you no longer have to praise him or make a huge deal out of it because it has become a habit for both of you.

So, if you are caught in a cycle of you nagging him and him not changing his lifestyle one bit, consider trying to back off a little and to focus on catching him doing something right and then rewarding him.  It is only human nature to want to choose your wife and to come home as often as you can when she gives you a compelling reason to do so.  And once this happens, then both people feel happy and valued without anyone needing to feel as if they have lost the argument or have given in.

The husband in the above scenario often told the wife that she was overreacting or being too sensitive, but I didn’t see it this way at all.  A husband who doesn’t choose his marriage or his wife is a huge red flag.  If ignored, it can, as in my case, lead to a marriage that falls apart.  It took me a long time to get my husband back on board, but eventually, I did and our marriage is very different today.  If it helps, you read the story of our recovery on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are starting to believe that their separated husbands are never coming home.  Often, they have tried to wait patiently and to be optimistic, but these things haven’t done much good.

One might say: “for the first couple of weeks of our separation, I tried very hard to have hope that my husband would come home very soon.  The hope was that he would miss me so much, he would cancel the lease on his new apartment and come back to me.  But as the weeks turned into months, I started to lose hope.  I will admit that I’m having a hard time giving my husband space.  I call and come by on a very regular basis. Some days, he seems happy to see me and other days, he makes excuses and won’t even interact with me.  He’s secretive about how he’s living his life or if he is seeing other people.  I’m at the point where I don’t think he is coming back, but when I tell him this, he says that I have no reason to believe this and that I am choosing to only see the negative.  I just can’t help it.  I haven’t seen any sign whatsoever that he has any immediate plans to come back.  So what is a wife supposed to do when the harsh realization hits that he is likely not coming back?” I’ll tell you my feelings on this below.

First of all, I totally understand how this wife was feeling. I have been in this situation and I know how sickening it can be when you get that sinking feeling that you might continue to be alone when he doesn’t come back.  It is an awful and desperate feeling.  However, I have to point out that this husband was telling the wife very directly that he wasn’t indicating that he was never coming home.  He was just telling her that he needed additional time.   And the wife had freely admitted that she wasn’t giving her husband the time that he was asking for.  She was basically reaching out to him each and every day.   She had never tried the strategy of backing off a little bit to see if this would help the situation.

Personally, I didn’t think she necessarily needed to give up just yet.  There was nothing that said she couldn’t back off just a little bit and begin to live her life instead of putting it on hold.  This didn’t mean that she was giving up on her marriage.  It just would no longer mean that she was giving up on herself.  I know that beginning to live your life can sound overwhelming sometimes when you are separated.  But, it actually does make you feel a little better most of the time.  You feel like you are actively participating in life rather than desperately watching it pass you by.  And, I’ll tell you something else.  It’s not unusual for husbands to suddenly have a little interest in you when you aren’t coming on so strong.  The thing is, often they are so used to hearing from or seeing you on a regular basis that when you are silent for a time, suddenly they are curious.  Suddenly, they begin to wonder what on earth has changed.

I can’t promise that this will happen every time, but I have seen it happen several times.  Often, once you give him the space that he has asked for, then the separation process can truly begin.  Since he’s getting his space and time to think, he will be able to freely evaluate what he really wants, what he is willing to contribute, and he will have an opportunity to miss you.

I eventually came to look at it like this.  There was really no downside to picking myself up, dusting myself off, and beginning to live my life.  Of course, I hoped that giving him space would help my marriage.  But, I told myself that even if it didn’t, it was time for me to begin to move forward.  It wasn’t good for me to live in limbo with no enjoyment in my life.  I figured if he came around, then that would be wonderful, but if he didn’t, well then it was time for me to stand on my own two feet anyway.

Over time, most women get tired of waiting on someone else to dictate your future.  You have the ability to decide how you want to live today and tomorrow.  Do you really want to live it in misery and feeling like you are on hold? I’m not insinuating you should move on as if your marriage is over because you don’t know that at this point.  What I am saying is that it makes sense to stop living while you are waiting.  You can live your best life while hoping for the best.  And sometimes, this will actually help encourage your husband to come around because seeing that you respect yourself enough to live again will make him respect you more and this will make you appear more attractive to him.

I don’t mean to imply that I didn’t care if my husband came back.  I cared very much.  But it just wasn’t good for me to continue to be depressed and stuck while I was waiting for him to decide what he wanted.  So I started seeing friends and doing things that made me happy.  And suddenly my husband started reaching out to me.  And this was the beginning of us reconciling.  If it helps, you can read that very emotional story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Some wives are, quite understandably, extremely depressed after their husband has left.  Many just cannot envision ever feeling happy or secure again.  Common comments are something like: “last week, my husband packed his bags and walked out on me.   So far, he is avoiding my calls.  He ignores my texts.  So I’m not able to talk to him and see what he is thinking or feeling.  The harsh reality that he might not come back is starting to creep in and this is almost more than I can bear.  I just cannot ever see myself being happy without him.  There is no other man for me.  My mom and my friends have been trying to cheer me up and get me out of the house, but I have no interest in these things.  I just don’t see myself being happy unless he is my life.  My mom says that one day I will move on and I will be OK.  I can’t ever envision this.  How am I supposed to ever be happy again after he’s walked out on me?”  I’ll try to address these concerns below.

Don’t Assume The Worst Case Scenario:  This wife was assuming that because her husband had been silent for a week, she had lost him forever.  This was jumping to the worst case scenario.  And frankly, this can be a mistake.  There are occasions when men cool off once they have some time to reflect and eventually come home to their wives ready to work things out.  Sometimes, this process takes a while, but it is not uncommon.  Men do sometimes come back after they walk out.  I had no way of knowing if that was going to happen in this case.  But I am mentioning this to let you know that you don’t always have to assume that his walking out means that you are never going to get him back.  Sometimes, with a workable plan, a little luck, and some patience, you can get him back.

Understand That You Are More Than Your Relationships:  I find that many wives in this situation feel completely lost at the thought of not being part of a married couple.  Their identity and their own happiness are tied up in their marriage and in their husband.  So when they fear that these things are going to be gone, then they equate this will the loss of their identity and their happiness.  When you do this, you truly are selling yourself short.  You are not the sum of your relationships.  You are valuable and worthy all on your own.

Here’s something else to consider.  Sometimes, when we become so afraid of losing something, we become desperate and this makes us appear needy and unattractive.  I mention this because it’s important to understand that although it’s completely natural to worry and to be fearful right now, sometimes if you completely give in to those emotions, you will make it so that your husband is reluctant to spend time with you or interact with you because your negative emotions bring about the negativity that he’s been trying to avoid all along.

The Vast Majority Of Wives In Similar Situations Will Tell You It Does Get Better:   As you may have suspected, I’ve been through this myself.  I did eventually get my husband back.  But you know what?  My situation did not improve until I made up my mind that I was going to dust myself off and do my best to begin to bring some happiness back into my life.  This was certainly a struggle, but I knew how easy it would be for me to sink down into a depression that would do me no good and would make my husband less likely to come around.  Also, some women do get their husbands back, but some do not for various reasons.   Even those who don’t get their husbands back do eventually check in later and most are doing just fine.  With time and perspective, many can look back and see that this whole thing was part of a process.  This is true whether they saved their marriage or not.

The days following your husband walking out are filled with confusion, pain, and fear.  In short, it is the worst of times and it can be difficult to imagine yourself happy again.  But I promise you that happiness is possible, no matter what happens with your marriage.  To me, it makes sense to begin to do the things that bring you happiness, even though you don’t know what tomorrow brings for your marriage.  This will make day to day life easier for you and it often actually helps your marriage.

Fill your days with the people and things that lighten your load.  Know that it could always be worse.  Know that reaching out to others and offering help to someone else will often make you feel better right away.  In short, doing those things that help you move forward is almost always the right way to go.  There is no downside.  Right now, it’s up to you to look out for your own best interest.  You deserve to be happy, no matter what your circumstances.  And frankly, circumstances can change.  But your happiness should not be dependent upon them.

As I said, I was filled with unhappiness in the days after my husband left.  But, after a while, this just got very old.   I was tired of feeling so awful all of the time.  So, I turned to family and friends and I started doing things that I knew would make me feel a little better.  Frankly, once I started having a brighter outlook, my husband became interested in me again.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives suspect very strongly that their husband wants a divorce. Sometimes, they will sort of tip toe around the issue for as long as they can because they are scared of the answer if they ask about this directly. However, over time, wondering about your husband’s true feelings gets very old. Sometimes, you just get to the point where you would rather have an answer, even a negative one than to continue to wonder. So many wives will eventually get to a point where they ask their husband directly if he wants a divorce. And not all husbands are going to give you a straight or even honest answer. In fact, some choose to remain silent.

Someone might say: “I finally got up my nerve to ask my husband if he wants a divorce. And he just stared at me and sighed. He was just silent for several minutes. When I pressed him, he finally said that he just didn’t have an answer for me that second. What does this mean? Why would he just remain silent? Part of me thinks he just doesn’t want to hurt my feelings or he’s planning a strategy or is trying to get his financial affairs in order before he asks me for a divorce. What do I make of this?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

A Husband Who Is Silent Or Who Doesn’t Answer You When You Ask About A Divorce May Not Have A Definitive Answer To Give You Right Now: Sometimes, husbands are silent because they haven’t yet made up their minds. Like you, they may have a lot of conflicting emotions and they might be confused. So, many will delay giving you an answer about a divorce because they are not yet sure if they want or will seek one. And they would rather delay than give you an answer that may be rushed or not valid.

It Can Be A Good Sign When Your Husband Is Silent About His Wishes For A Divorce: Many wives will see their husband’s indecision or his silence as a reason for panic. They will assume the worst or assume that his unwillingness to deny that he wants a divorce means that he’s only delaying the inevitable or plotting his next move. This may not be the case. Some men who want a divorce will have no problem sharing this very directly with you. Many wives who contact me have husbands who are repeatedly telling them that not only does he want a divorce, but nothing else is going to be acceptable to him.

So as frustrating as his silence might be, understand that at least at means that you don’t have a definitive answer saying that a divorce is imminent. And this means that you might have time to save your marriage. I know that having things up in their air can be frustrating. But at times, it is the state of being up in the air which means that your marriage actually still stands a chance.

How To Handle It When Your Husband Won’t Give You Any Answer About The Divorce: I suspect that you might be hoping I give you some tips on how to get your husband to make up his mind quickly. I’m afraid that my suggestion is more in line with setting it up so that when your husband does make a decision, it’s the decision that you were hoping for rather than a hasty decision.

To that end, this will often mean that you are going to need some patience and that you are going to need to approach him from a place of partnership rather than from a place of impatience and fear. Instead of asking him why he can’t just hurry up and make up his mind or telling him how unfair it is to just leave you hanging, you might say something like: “it hurts that you are not automatically denying that you want a divorce. With that said, I would rather you take the time that you need than to give me a rushed decision that you don’t really mean. Your reluctance tells me that we have work to do on our marriage so that we are both confident that we want to remain committed to it. I am willing to work tirelessly on our marriage to show you that it can be one about which you no longer have any doubts. I think that the foundation is still there. We just need to strengthen our foundation and begin to build again.”

Notice that at no time did this conversation pressure him, although I acknowledged that the whole process was painful. Also, notice that I didn’t insinuate that I was going to wait around for him to make up his mind before I started trying to rehabilitate the marriage. Plus, I approached him in a proactive way rather than in a panicked way. I hope that you can see a difference because this truly can be important.

Many wives push or rush their husbands and later regret this very much because their husband feels he has no choice but to make a rushed decision to go ahead and pursue a divorce. Now, with more time, understanding, and rehabilitation, he may not have gone that route. But some wives will get so antsy for an answer, that the husband doesn’t feel like he has the luxury of a well thought out choice.

I will freely admit that I pushed my husband for an answer until he gave me the answer that I didn’t want.  When he told me he, in fact, wanted a divorce, I suddenly told him to take all the time he needed to think about it.  And, I had a lot of ground to make up.  Eventually, I was able to repair the damage done so I could save our marriage.  But things would’ve been easier if I’d been more patient from the beginning.  If it helps, you can read about how I fixed my mistakes on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  It’s not unusual for me to hear from people who are wondering if “backing off” a little bit during the marriage separation is a good idea.  Many believe that it might help their situation some, but they afraid that if they back off, this will allow their spouse to move even further away from them.  A wife could ask about this type of situation: “I have been separated from my husband for four months. It has been four months of hell.  I miss him so much.  I hate looking over at the dinner table and seeing his seat empty.   I hate not knowing where he is or what he is feeling.  I always have an urge to call or text him.  I speak with him several times per day.  And I find myself always wanting to ask him how he is feeling or if he is considering coming back home.  Sometimes, he gets very frustrated with me and will cut off contact with me for a few days.  He says that I need to give him more space, but I feel very anxious when I even consider doing this.  I worry that if I’m not constantly checking up on him, he will start to move away from me.  Is it a good idea to back off when you’re separated?  And, if so, how do you even begin to do it?  I can’t imagine not being in contact with him every single day. How do you back off when your heart is still so invested?”  I will try to address these things in the following article.

From my own experience, I can tell you that backing off can sometimes help quite a bit.   And yes, it can be very uncomfortable at first.  You can feel as if you are losing control.  But, here’s something to keep in mind.  You are consciously choosing to give up control so that you can regain more control in the future.

Why Backing Off During A Separation Can Be Helpful:  Often, the whole idea behind a separation is to give the marriage (and the people within the marriage) some time to reflect on the situation without each other’s constant presence.   The whole idea is that this gives them a perspective that they may not have had if they were constantly together.   As risky as this might sound, the result can be that both people appreciate and miss one another and, as a result, they come back to the table with a new commitment to work things out.

However, sometimes, this process is interrupted when one person is not willing to give the space that is needed.  This is understandable because not being with someone who has been a constant in your life feels odd and scary.  It’s absolutely normal to want to cling more tightly when you perceive that something is being taken away from you.  But, what you need to understand is that when you cling so tightly that your spouse becomes resistant, you are actually increasing the odds of the thing you fear most – and that is your husband moving further away from you.

The Logistics Of Backing Off.  How Do You Do It When It’s The Last Thing That You Want To Do?:  I have to say that most spouses understand the reasoning behind backing off.  And many have gotten such poor results from coming on too strongly that they know that it’s likely a good idea to try another approach.  With that said, many are terrified and extremely uncomfortable with the idea of backing off, even a little bit.

They just can’t envision how to even begin putting this plan into action.  They fear the idea of a day without hearing from their spouse.  I completely understand this because I have been there.  Sometimes, you really do just have to take this day by day.  You have to be very conscious of your actions when you go to text or call for the fifth time in the morning.  If you need to stop yourself and go for a walk or journal or even work out, that is perfectly OK.

Often, you will need to distract yourself, especially at first.  It really helps to keep yourself very busy.  If you have good friends who can make sure that you get out of the house and engage with others (rather than retreating within yourself,) then share your goals with them.  I know that it might be hard to believe right now.  But often, it is very beneficial to you to take some time to work on yourself.  Spending time with yourself just listening to your own thoughts and wishes will help you approach saving your marriage in a more genuine, authentic way because it will make it more likely that you will both recognize and ask for what you want.  It honestly helps when you approach your spouse as an equal partner.

Be Careful Of Taking This Too Far:  Some wives actually begin to see some improvements with the “backing off” approach and they figure that they should push on a little more.  So they’ll take it so far that they’ll pretend that perhaps they want to see other people.  Or, if their husband should begin to reach out to them, they won’t return his calls.  I believe that there is a point where you can take this way too far so that this strategy actually does you more harm than good.  When your husband begins reaching out to you, then you want to walk the fine line between being receptive but not moving too fast too soon.

To answer the question posed, I believe that when it is done correctly, backing off in a calculated and balanced way during a separation can be helpful because it gives your spouse time to miss you and it gives you both the opportunity to work on yourselves and determine what you can give to the relationship when you come back together.  I know from experience that it isn’t always easy, but it certainly can be worth it.

I won’t tell you that backing off during my separation was easy.  At first, I had to literally force myself to do it.  But the results came pretty quickly and they were pretty dramatic.  Because suddenly, my husband was interested in me again and this was a huge turning point.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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