Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives were hoping that their trial separation was going to go a whole lot more smoothly than it has.   Often, the husband assures the wife that they will communicate regularly and even “date” one another while they are apart.  But unfortunately, sometimes, this is the promise instead of the reality.  Needless to say, some wives worry about this situation and directly ask for some reassurance.  And some do not get the type of reassurance that they had hoped for.

A wife in this situation might explain: “I need to make it clear that I never wanted the separation.  My husband wouldn’t take no for an answer though.  He kept repeating the same old refrain that he needed time to sort himself out.  It became pretty clear that I really didn’t have much of a choice but to give him his time.  But I made it very clear that this was all against my judgment. He reassured me that it would only be temporary and that we would probably see one another regularly.  He said that he would not be surprised if we didn’t miss one another and actually connect during the separation.  This is what I was hoping for.  But it is not the reality of the situation.  Any time I talk to my separated husband, I have to be the one to call him.  Any time we see one another, I have initiated it and he acts put out by the whole entire time.  He’s not acting loving or romantic with me.  He isn’t even patient with me.  The other night, I told him that this whole situation was scaring me.  He replied that we were separated and he wasn’t sure what I was expecting.  I told him that I was hoping that the situation would be better.  I told him that I basically needed some reassurance from him that things were going to be OK between us and that we would end up together.  Basically, his response was to tell me that neither of us can see into the future and that we should just continue to do what we are already doing and hope for the best.  I am so disappointed that this is all he can offer me.  Because I feel as if it’s only a matter of time before my marriage is over.  If he can’t even reassure me, how will he ever recommit to me?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

Sometimes A Separated Husband Hesitates To Give You Reassurance Because He Worries That This Will Limit His Choices Or Free Will:  Many men push for a separation because they want to feel as if they have some control over their own future decisions.  So, they think that if they live under the same roof as you, this is going to limit their ability to decide what happens.  So when the separation finally comes and you in turn ask for reassurance, this can make him feel as if offering that same reassurance is going to limit his ability to make his own choices. I’m not saying that this thought process is accurate.  I am saying that it is common.  Many men don’t want to tell you that it’s all going to be OK because if they do, they worry that they are allowing you to set their path rather than respecting their own ability to do it.

This doesn’t mean that he won’t ultimately come back to you.  But it can mean that he wants to set his own pace or that he sees your need for reassurance as just trying to continue to manipulate him, which leads me to my next point.

How To Handle It When Your Separated Husband Doesn’t Want To Offer Any Reassurance:  As hard as this may be to hear, most of the time, the more you pressure him to reassure you that everything is going to be just fine, the more he is going to resist doing so.  Or, alternatively, he may give you empty promises which you both know is just him telling you what you want to hear. So as tempting as it is to continue to demand or ask for that reassurance, it often is just going to make things worse.

Instead, try to be as pleasant and as easy going as you can.  Try to make sure that each encounter you have ends positively and then just watch what happens.  When you focus on the positive, you can often just observe the reassuring signals and results that you get.  And that way, you won’t need to ask him for the reassurance that is going to frustrate both of you.

Much of the time, you can observe what is going on or happening when you meet or talk and have a pretty good idea of where things stand.  You can observe if he is being open to or receptive to you.  You can ask yourself if there are any places that could still use improvement and act accordingly.  And when you see that some behavior or action of yours brings about a positive reaction from him, then you can do more of it.

Some wives tell me that they believe this process is playing games.  Perhaps they are right.  But I try to share what works.  And pushing for reassurance when he’s clearly reluctant to be lead that way is not usually going to work.  Instead, you might have to get what you need by backing off a little bit in order to gain some ground in another way. I don’t think this is game playing so much as feeling your way and responding to his cues.  Pushing when there is resistance will often do more harm than good.  But backing up until the resistance is removed is a much more sound strategy.

I had to use this strategy when my own husband and I were separated.  And unfortunately, I learned much of this the hard way.  I wanted more reassurance than my husband was willing to offer.  And when he balked, I panicked.  When I pushed, he only pulled away more and more until there was almost nothing left.  And this almost costs me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I appeared to back off that he actually began to pursue me.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many people are skeptical about their spouse’s claims that they will make drastic changes in order to save their marriage.  Often, this whole speech sounds very familiar because they have heard it all before.  And this leaves them with more doubt than confidence.  A wife might complain: “For the last five years, my husband has not been a good partner to me.  He’s very immature.  He puts his needs before mine.  He still acts like a child sometimes.  His most important objective is always himself and his ability to have fun.  He’s always wanting to go out with his friends and gamble or spend money instead of spending time with me and our daughter.  He’s underemployed because he has no real goals for the future.  Basically, he lives for today and says he will worry about the rest later.  I used to find this refreshing and cute, but this is no longer the case.  Today, it just annoys and frustrates me.  At times, it feels as though I have two children instead of one.  And I want to be married to an adult.  A couple of weeks ago, I told my husband that I was taking our daughter and going to my mother’s.  He immediately begged me not to go and said that he would change.  He said he will start to take the future seriously and will spend more time at home.  The thing is, he has told me this multiple times before.  Things sometimes change a little for the short term until he begins to resort back to his ways.  It really drives me crazy.   At the same time, I want to believe him because I do want to save my marriage, especially for my daughter.  But I worry that I’m just wasting my time and that he’s not capable of changing or of acting like an adult.  He just doesn’t seem willing to grow up.  What should I do?”

I couldn’t make important decisions about this wife’s marriage, but I could offer her some insights about saving her marriage and initiating lasting change.  I will share these insights below.

It’s Possible To Make Lasting Changes That Improve Or Save Your Marriage, But You Have To Be Very Diligent:  There’s an old saying that people never truly change.  It’s my experience that this just isn’t true.  Admittedly, lasting change can be very difficult.  People tend to revert back to what is the natural inclination for them.  But anyone can change their habits with repetition and reinforcement.  It’s not always easy and you will often have to check in regularly and draw his attention to when he begins reverting back to old patterns.  But if the marriage and his family are that important to him, he can make substantial changes and stick with them.  The mistake that people often make is that they become complacent.  It’s normal for him to regress.  But when he does, rather than becoming frustrated and declaring that he will never change, draw his attention to the problem and continue to move forward, which leads me to my next point.

Make Room For Regular Times To Check In And Reevaluate:  Because making lifelong changes can be a bit difficult, it’s in your best interest to schedule times when you can come together and evaluate his progress.  This process shouldn’t be set up to make him feel as if he’s failed or that he’s in trouble.  Instead, it should offer some accountability coupled with the opportunity to get back on track.  It can help to make this clear to him from the start.  You might say something like: “I really want to believe that you can change.  But we both know that you’ve promised to change before and yet here we are again.  I would like to save our marriage, but you have to understand that my doubts are reasonable.  This frustrates me because I love you and I do want for things to change so that we can be happy.  Here is what I am willing to do.  I’d be willing to give you the opportunity to change as long as you will agree that we will go out twice a month to discuss the progress and make whatever changes are still necessary.  I don’t want to do what we have done before which is just to hope for the best and not follow through.  Would you be agreeable to this?”

Offer Reassurance As Well As Accountability:  It’s very common for the person who is doing the changing to feel a hit to their self-esteem.  They can feel like the bad guy.  They can begin to believe that they don’t deserve you or that they can’t make you happy.  This probably isn’t what you want.   You want to build their confidence so that they can believe that change is actually possible.  You don’t for them to expect that they are going to disappoint you.  So, when you see even small changes, make sure they are aware that you not only notice, but you appreciate their efforts.  When this wife caught her husband being responsible or making a conscious effort to do the right thing, I’d suggest making a huge deal out of it and heaping on the praise.

This sort of positive reinforcement will make him want to do better.  It will encourage him to keep right on going because his efforts are paying off.  Likewise, when you see him regressing, try to approach him with love rather than with frustration.  Make him believe that you believe in him.  And then he will more likely to rise to the occasion to please you.

In my own marriage, I was the one who needed to change.  I had promised to change before but had always reverted back to my old ways.  However, when it became clear that I needed to change or lose my husband, I finally got serious about doing what was necessary.  And my efforts eventually paid off.  There was a time when my husband and I were literally on the verge of divorce.  And yet today, we are very much together and quite happy.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives seem almost sure that their husband has “moved on” after the couple has unsuccessfully tried a separation.  They are often at a crossroads and are trying to decide if they should also try to force themselves to move on.  Many are reluctant to do so because they still want to save their marriage, but they just aren’t sure if this is going to be possible.  One of these wives might say: “my husband moved out about four months ago.  He was the one who pursued a separation.  I was always clear on the fact that I wanted to save our marriage, but he was not.  I thought that I could win him over during the separation.  But I guess this assumption was wrong.  Because almost as soon as he moved out, he started distancing himself from me.  He has all but ignored me.  Little by little, he has moved on with his life.  One of our mutual friends just told me that he put in an offer to buy the house that he is now renting.  Obviously, he doesn’t plan for me to move in with him and I am left with our marital home all by myself.  I am so distraught about this.  My friends and family tell me that it is obvious that he has moved on and that I should try to do the same. I don’t know if I am capable of moving on. Ultimately, I want to save my marriage but every one is telling me that this is impossible.  What do you think? Can a marriage be saved even after one of the spouses moves on?  Or I am dealing with a lost cause?”

I would never call a marriage a lost cause, although I have to admit that the circumstances aren’t overtly promising here.  I will be the first to tell you that when the topic is your marriage, I don’t believe it’s possible to be overly optimistic.  Because if you’re wrong, what do you really have to lose.  Sure, you might have wasted your time or hurt your pride a little, but this is your marriage we are talking about.  Your husband is presumably the person you were meant to be with.  So I  completely understand being reluctant to just let that go.  I certainly didn’t in my own situation.  And, eventually, it did work out for me and I saved my marriage.  I realize that not everyone is this lucky.  I understand that some people ultimately cannot save their marriage.  But, I believe that there’s nothing wrong with holding out hope until you either decide you no longer want to or it becomes obvious that doing so is detrimental to you, which leads me to my next point.

Don’t Allow Your Determination To Save Your Marriage Contribute To Your Putting Your Own Life On Hold:  Sometimes, we become so intent on saving our marriage that we can literally think about nothing else.  Every minute of every day, we are thinking about our husband, what he is thinking, when he is coming home, and how this is all going to end up.  This can contribute to your being stuck and depressed within your own life.  And frankly, when you are in this state, you are sometimes less attractive to your husband and this actually makes saving your marriage more likely.  If I’m being quite honest, when I got to this state in my own life, it was detrimental to me.  I no longer enjoyed my hobbies.  I didn’t socialize with my friends.  In short, hanging on to my husband was keeping me stuck.

So I made a conscious decision to still hope that we could save our marriage while I vowed to begin to live again.  No, I wasn’t going to see other people or start dating again.  But I was going to seek out good friends and the people and things that made me happy.  This created a huge improvement in my life and I firmly believe that it was this change in me that contributed to my husband being open to our marriage again.  This process did not happen over night.  It was gradual.  But I believe that if I continued to remain stuck in my own life, I might not be married today.

Worry Less About Saving Your Marriage And More About Improving Your Relationship:  If saving your marriage is your only goal, this is often very obvious to your husband.  And if he is in the process of moving on, he’s less likely to be open to you. So, often you will need to shift your focus a bit.  Instead of the goal being saving your marriage or nothing else, consider just focusing on improving the relationship, even if it is evolving. This will take a lot of pressure off of the situation.  You can begin to live your life again while still improving and building upon that relationship.  In that sense, you will feel as if you are making progress and your husband will not be as likely to avoid you.

Sometimes, once you improve the relationship, you are eventually able to save your marriage.  People’s intentions change.  Their emotions change.  Their circumstances change.  Just because your husband feels like he wants to move on right now, that does not mean that he will always feel this way.   Sure, there is a chance that he won’t come around.  But you won’t know that if you completely give up.  I personally believe that there is a balance between still holding out hope and beginning to move on for your own well being.  Because you can still begin to move on and maintain room for your husband in your life.

So, to answer the question posed, yes your marriage can sometimes be saved after your husband seems to have moved on or thinks that he has moved on.  As I said, people can change their mind or their perceptions.  Still, I don’t think it hurts to begin to live your life again while you are waiting to see if this will happen.  In fact, it is my experience that doing so will often actually help you to save your marriage.

As I alluded to, I was able to save my marriage, even after my husband insisted that he had moved on.  It wasn’t immediate and it wasn’t easy, but it was possible.  If it helps, you can read my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives feel as if they need to make drastic changes in order to save their marriage.  Often, they are willing to do anything necessary if their husband would just give them some direction.  Often, they find themselves guessing as to what changes would have the most impact on turning their marriage around. A wife might say: “my husband says that he is fed up with me and with the marriage.  We fight all the time, mostly about money and the way that he never wants to spend any time with our family.  I think that he would live in the office if I would let him.  This has caused a great deal of conflict and I tend to just try to ignore the problem.  I’ve started going out with my friends or I go shopping when I get frustrated.  And then my husband gets more angry because of the bills.  So it’s a horrible cycle.  Last week, my husband told me that he was going to move out.  He says our marriage is just a shell and that it’s obvious that neither of us are happy.  I told him that I would make some serious changes if he would only stay.  He hasn’t really responded with any definite answer.  He hasn’t agreed, but he hasn’t said no either.  At this point, I’m not sure what I should attempt to change.  Obviously I know that I need to limit my spending.  And I know that I need to be more pleasant.  But I’m not sure that this is going to be enough.”

I could very much identify with this wife.  When you are facing the potential end of your marriage, it can feel as if you need to make a drastic overhaul in every area of your life and in your marriage.  But as tempting as this is, it can be the wrong call.  Because if you try to change too many things, you may just overwhelm yourself and you may well become so scattered that none of your attempted changes actually stick.   You are actually much better off evaluating the most damaging problems and making changes that you can actually accomplish in the long term.  Because if you make initial changes and then do not stick with them, then you run a real risk of your husband becoming so frustrated with this process that he wants to give up.

First, Focus On Changing Your Own Mindset:  I believe that the most important changes start with yourself.  You have to really change the way that you view your marriage, yourself and how these things relate to your husband.  It’s very normal to panic in this situation.  You feel as if you need to do something very drastic almost immediately.  But, while this mindset is absolutely normal and almost universal, it is often the worst mindset that you could possibly have.  Your goal should be to be as calm and deliberate as is possible right now.  Panicked behavior and decisions usually do more harm than good. Often, you actually appear almost desperate and out of control and this makes you seem a little less sincere and desirable at a time when you can’t afford for this to happen.

So instead of thinking “what am I going to do because time is running out?”  You need to think thoughts like: “I have an opportunity to make very measured changes that are going to improve our lives.   I have an opportunity to change the things that are detracting from our lives and remove them once and for all so that they are no longer hurting the people that I love, including myself.”

In short, you need to see this as an opportunity rather than a chore which must be performed quickly at any of all costs.  You want to take this opportunity to hone your patience, your sincerity, and your ability to reach out to and read your partner.  I promise you that if you can successfully change your mindset, you will also see a change in the way that your husband sees this.  You don’t want to give off panic and make it appear that this whole process is a chore in which the winner takes all.  You want to give off the vibe that you see this an opportunity that is going to turn out very positively for both of you.  You want to understand that this is your marriage you’re dealing with, which is the most important relationship of your life.  And, you want to realize that this is your husband, who is your life partner and not your adversary.

Define Those Changes That Will Both Have A Big Impact And Be Sustainable:  As I have alluded to, I firmly believe that changing your mindset is the first step to changing your behaviors.  However, it’s also important to change those things that are most damaging to your marriage. In this case, it was the spending and the isolation.  Neither spouse was communicating or reaching out to one another as problems arose.  Therefore, things just continued to deteriorate and the resentment continued to build.  Working with her husband to come to a budget was a very sustainable change.  And vowing to reach out to one another instead of striking out will help to stop problems before they start.  My best advice is to start small.   Chose the things that are most problematic to your marriage and start there.  Once you’ve mastered those things, move onto something else.  Keep going until your marriage is where you want it to be.

People often ask me if they should involve their spouse in the process or tell their spouse which changes they intend to make.  This will depend upon the situation and the degree to which your spouse will cooperate.  But know that, at least in my opinion, it’s just as effective to start with changes that you can make on your own.  So to answer the question posed, you should often change your mindset and your approach to begin.  After that, you should choose issues that are the most problematic coupled with changes that you can actually sustain.

I attempted to change too many things too soon after my husband left and this nearly costs me my marriage.  But it wasn’t until I changed my own mindset that I was able to make huge gains and eventually save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Sometimes wives feel as if they might be running out of time to save their marriage.  Often, the last thing that they want is to give up, but their husband isn’t completely on board.  In fact, he will often do whatever he can to discourage them that there is any hope left.  Sometimes, he has even started seeing other people and will go so far to directly tell the wife that it is already too late.

A wife might have this situation: “my husband left me for a trial separation about seven weeks ago.  I have never given up hope because my love for him is as strong as the day that we were married.  I realize that our marriage isn’t perfect and I am willing to do whatever I need to do in order to improve it.  The problem is that it doesn’t appear that I am going to have that chance.  A couple that we are friendly with just recommended an excellent marriage counselor to me.  I wanted to share this information with my husband because it sounded like this might help us.  But when I called him with this news he told me that the counselor isn’t going to work.  He said that it’s too late to save our marriage because he’s started seeing someone else.  I told him that this was OK as long as he stopped seeing her right away and went to counseling with me.  He said he wasn’t willing to stop seeing the other woman.  He said that he feels ready to move on and that in his own mind our marriage is over.  He stressed that I should just accept it and begin to move on with my life in the same way that he has.  I am not sure that I can do this.   I don’t want to move on.  I want my husband and my marriage.  Is he right? Is it too late for us?  Because I am not sure if it is too late for me.  And I’m not sure if I have any choices at all.”

I really understood where this wife was coming from.  I have been on the other side of this conversation.  My own husband was relentless and in his assertion that it was too late to save our marriage.  But I was pretty stubborn and I didn’t give up.  Still, I did realize that in order for us to stay married, it would take both of us to agree to that arrangement.  If he had decided to divorce me, I knew that I could only prolong the process for so long.  However, I also knew that while I couldn’t completely control what my husband said or did, I could control my own behaviors and reactions.  And it was my own decision as to whether or not I wanted to give up.  I completely realized that he might divorce me and that might mean the end of my marriage.  I could not control that.  But his ending the marriage would not have meant that my feelings for him would have ended.  That was completely within my own control.  Now, I’ll move onto the topic of his seeing someone else.

His Seeing Someone Else Right Now Doesn’t Think That Things Won’t Change Later:  Often when people first separate, the one who initiated the separation feels as if they need to take full advantage of the situation.  To that end, they will sometimes consider seeing other people.  And when that happens, it can feel as if a corner has been turned or a line has been crossed.  This can lead them to assume that they’ve gone too far or that the marriage can’t be saved.  This isn’t always the case, of course.  Plenty of couples end up saving their marriage after one or both of them has started seeing other people.  Merely dating someone during a separation doesn’t mean that you’ve met a soul mate who is going to replace your spouse forever.

Sometimes seeing other people actually makes you eventually appreciate your spouse more or miss them when you didn’t even think that this was possible.  Frankly, I could not see into the future in this scenario, so I had no way to know if the husband’s new relationship was going to last or was going to contribute to the end of the marriage.  But, here is what I do know.  Countless couples eventually get it together even after they’ve started dating again.  Still others reconcile or get remarried after they have divorced.  Some even break up and live apart for several years until they find one another again.  In fact, to me, the only scenario which says your marriage is over for good is if one of you is no longer on this earth.

How Do You Proceed When Your Husband Says His Seeing Other Women Makes It Too Late To Save Your Marriage?: My best advice is not to panic.  And I’ve found that it doesn’t really help to argue with him.  I know that it’s tempting to try to debate and prove your point but he’s often not in the right frame of mind to listen.  Some wives will try to put down the other woman or point out her flaws.  But you have to understand that it isn’t really about her.  It’s best to place your focus on you and on him rather than on third parties.  You might want to tell him that you’re sorry that he feels this way but that you hope in time that he might see things differently.  You might stress that you will be there should he ever need you, but that you’re going to take his advice and get on with your life.  Now, we both know that you’re posturing a bit.  But he needs to know that you respect yourself enough to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.  Do things that you enjoy and make sure he knows about it.  Surround yourself with other people who love and support you.  And leave the ball in his court.  Just continue to live your life and see how he will respond.  Remain positive and approachable but don’t be the only one doing the communicating.

Sometimes, the new relationship will come to a natural end and you will be sitting pretty when it does.  Because you have set yourself up to be in a position of strength rather than one of weakness. And this sometimes matters more than you know. When my own husband told me our marriage was over, I chose not to believe it, although I knew he had plenty of say in the matter.  But I eventually chose not to panic and to portray a woman who was in control. Once I did this, my husband responded to me in a whole new way.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives get very tired of waiting for their estranged husband to come back home.  Often, they are looking for a plan that is going to encourage him to come home sooner rather than later.  One such plan is filing for divorce in order to scare him into coming back. A wife might explain: “my husband left me about six weeks ago.  He said that he felt that he needed to live on his own for a while in order to determine if he wanted to stay married or separate.  Things have been deteriorating in our marriage, but I was still surprised by this.  I would never walk out on him and I was very disappointed that he would walk out on me.  Since he’s left, we do speak pretty regularly.  We even see one another sometimes.   There are occasions when our meetings or dates go very well and there are times when we argue.  Still, I believe that we have more good times than bad.  I’ve asked my husband to come back home because it’s very hard to resolve anything when he’s living somewhere else.  But he’s resistant.  He says that he needs more time.  I’m getting very tired of waiting.  I feel like he has no incentive to come back and that he can just stay away for as long as he feels like it while I can only wait in response.  So I almost feel the need to do something to hurry him along.  I’m tempted to file for divorce and see if that doesn’t scare him enough to get him to come back.  Is this is a good idea?  Would it work?”

While I have no ability to say if this plan would work, I have no reservations in saying that I think it’s a bad idea.  I’ll tell you why in the following article.

Why This Plan Might Backfire On You:  Let’s suppose that you decided to go ahead and file for divorce in an attempt to scare him.  Let’s follow that plan all the way and see what might happen.  Of course, there is a chance that your husband may respond exactly as you’d like and will come home out of fear.  But, there is another possibility.  He could respond unfavorably and not come home.  He may decide that if you feel the need to get a divorce, there is little that he can do to stop you.  At that point, you’d only have a couple of options.  You could actually go through with the divorce that you don’t really want.  Or, you could back peddle and not follow through on the divorce.  And, if you did this, you would certainly reveal that you were only playing games, and, as a result, your husband has even less incentive to come home.

So of these three scenarios, only one is even remotely favorable:  The scenario where he comes home out of fear at least gets him home.  But is this really a huge victory? Sure, he’s home and that can be a very positive thing.  But he’s probably home at a high price.  Because both of you know that he is only there because you forced his hand.  This might cause a good deal of resentment and anger.  You might even be insecure because you might suspect that he doesn’t really want to be with you.  And, worse than that, you haven’t really addressed any of the problems that lead him to leave in the first place.  Instead, you’re only introduced fear into an already difficult situation.

So, in my opinion, none of these options are particularly good ones because they don’t really give you what you want.  And what you truly want and need is for him to very willingly come home with an enthusiastic and cooperative heart.   You want for him to be willing to work with you to make your marriage better so that neither of you wants to leave in the future.

The Better Alternative:  I know from experience that forcing his hand is often not the answer.  I do understand how you feel.  When my husband left me, I had no patience whatsoever and I wanted for him to come home on my time frame and not on his.  But the more I pushed, the less he wanted to come home and the more our situation deteriorated.  It wasn’t until I changed strategies that things improved.  Once I backed off and allowed him to come to me, everything changed for the better.

So to answer the question posed, I actually doubt that filing for divorce would make him come home.  And, even if it did work and he did return home, he wouldn’t be there completely willingly.  To me, this is quite a risky plan that could well backfire.  I believe the better choice is changing strategies and instead encouraging him to come back through calculated behaviors rather than trying to force his hand and running the risk of him waiting to see if you will actually go through with it.

I never tried this strategy because I knew that a divorce was my worst case scenario.  I couldn’t bring myself to take that risk.  My new strategy did require for me to back off and this was a challenge.  But it was a challenge that was so totally worth it because my husband became curious and he reached out to me.  That made all of the difference.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are reeling because their husband has admitted that he’s not in love with them anymore.  This can make them question if it is even going to be possible to save their marriage. A wife might cry: “last night my husband and I argued and he told me that he’s not in love with me.  He couldn’t have told me anything that would have upset me more.  I asked him where this leaves our marriage and he said that he didn’t know.  Because we have children, I would very much like to save our marriage, but I’m not even sure if it’s going to be possible if he doesn’t love me.  I find myself wondering what is the point if there are no feelings left for him.  Is there any chance to save your marriage when your husband isn’t in love with you?”

I know that some people are going to disagree with what I’m about to answer.  And this is perfectly OK.  But it is my opinion and experience that many marriages survive even when one spouse believes they are no longer in love with the other?  Why?  Well, there are several reasons.  First of all, people are sometimes wrong in their perceptions.  Second, people change their mind.  Third, just because he’s not feeling very loving toward you now, this doesn’t mean that his feelings can’t or won’t change when the things that you do to save your marriage drastically improve it.  I will discuss this in more detail in the following article.

Why Your Goal Shouldn’t Be To Get Him To Stay Married To You At All Costs Without Making Changes To His Feelings:  I have had wives ask me if there is any way to get their husband to stay even though he doesn’t love them.  I understand the question because it is one that went through my own mind after my husband left me.  But, I also know first hand that this is a hollow victory. Yes, some men will remain unhappily married even when they don’t love their wives.  Because of their kids perhaps, they vow to stick it out even when they know that things just aren’t what they should be.  And while this might be a relief because you want to save your marriage, it also means that you are settling for far less than you have to.   I know first hand that it is completely possible to set it up so that your husband falls back in love with you.  And that’s why I believe that nothing less should be your goal.  Sure, you want to save your marriage.  But also, you want to improve your marriage so much that you are both very much in love with one another.

Make Your First Priority Returning The Love Knowing That Saving Your Marriage Will Follow:  I know first hand that when you know that you’re at risk of losing your marriage, you can be driven by fear.  I used to think that nothing could be worse than getting divorced.  As a result, I was so much more worried about saving my marriage than actually improving it.  This was a huge mistake.  Because my methods did nothing to address my husband’s lack of love for me. Therefore, there was nothing to motivate him to stay and my plan just reeked of desperation which was a total turn off for him.

It took me entirely too long to realize that the better plan was to not focus so much on saving my marriage at all costs.  Instead, I chose to trust that if I could improve things so much that the love returned, then saving my marriage would take care of itself.  Once this tiny little shift in my thinking happened, things drastically improved.  My husband noticed my change of attitude and he was much more willing to make himself available to me.  And, when we were together, he wasn’t nearly as guarded as he had been. Yes, this was sort of a leap of faith on my part.  But eventually, it became pretty obvious that I didn’t have much to lose.  So I just decided that it was worth it to try to reignite the feelings between us and have trust that good things would happen as the result.

To do this, I searched my memory of what drew us together and what my husband most loved about me.  I soon figured out that the woman he originally had loved so much, the funny, easy going, light-hearted woman who loved adventure was not who I was portraying to him in the present time.  I knew that this had to change.  I wasn’t going to be fake or change who I was.  But I was going to show him the best version of myself.  This didn’t work overnight, but it certainly worked eventually, which is why I would tell anyone to never give up hope.

So to answer the question posed, yes, you can save your marriage if your husband isn’t in love with you, but you will have a much better chance of doing so (and will have a better marriage as the result) if you can return the love first.  Because frankly, you deserve nothing less than this.

As I alluded to, when I was trying to save my own marriage, my husband truly had given up on us. He was going forward with moving out and then the divorce. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband’s love, but also to save our marriage.  I’m glad I didn’t just settle because we are both much happier as the result.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Some wives have husbands who have admitted (usually during an argument or fight) that they have thought of seeing other people.  And the wife who is on the receiving end of this revelation can often wonder what this means for her marriage.  She might say: “I will admit that my marriage has been going downhill for the past several months.  My husband is distant and always seems angry.  A couple of days ago, we were arguing once again when he blurted out ‘what happened to us? Our marriage is awful.  I almost can’t even stand to be in the same room with you anymore.’  I was momentarily stunned.  I asked him if he was saying he wanted a separation or a divorce and he told me that he didn’t know but that he often thought about both of those things.  And I asked what other things had he been thinking about.  It only got worse from there because he said that he’d been thinking about seeing other people.  I asked him if he had a specific woman in mind and he said that he didn’t but that he thought that seeing other people might give him some perspective on our marriage and if he wants to fight for it or not.  I’m really beside myself about this.  What does it mean when your spouse freely admits that he’s been thinking about other people?” I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

This Admission Should Be A Huge Warning Sign That Inspires Immediate Action:  I know that these words are probably devastating to you.  But, believe it or not, there is a silver lining here.  Some spouses won’t admit to wanting to see other people until they are already having an affair, or have arranged to file for a divorce.  In other words, sometimes you won’t get this little warning until it is already too late.  However, this wife was at the point where her husband was still living with her, wasn’t initiating a divorce (yet) and was giving her a huge heads up.  Although this might not feel like an advantage to her at this particular time, it most definitely was.

Because at this point, she still had time to make saving her marriage a huge priority.  Admittedly, the husband said he was still deciding whether he wanted to fight for the marriage, but nothing said that she couldn’t fight for her marriage all on her own.  It was likely that this wife knew what issues were the most troublesome to her marriage and she had the power to begin to really address them once and for all.

His Thinking About Dating Other People Could Mean He’s Evaluating If He Would Be Happier Single:  Many wives in this situation will assume that their husband has a specific woman in mind when he utters these words.  This is certainly a possibility, but it isn’t always the case.  Sometimes, he isn’t thinking about in one in particular.  Instead, he is wondering if he would generally be more happy with his life if he were single and not dealing with the drama that has become prevalent in your marriage.  So, you have to decide how high a priority your marriage is to you.  I know that this wife said that her marriage had been deteriorating for some time. This tells me that no one has really taken very decisive and sustained action to stop this spiral once and for all.  So while you still have the time, it’s important that you understand that taking quick action might be the difference between saving your marriage or not.  Because once a spouse starts seeing other people, saving your marriage becomes much more complicated.

How To Best Respond To This:  The wife was at the loss as to how to respond.  She was incredibly shocked and quite angry. While this is understandable, it’s very important to remain calm. But at the same time, you need to let him know that his cheating on you (because that’s what seeing other people would be) is not going to be accepted.  A suggested response might be something like: “well, that hurts me very much because it tells me that your commitment to me and our marriage is wavering.  I want to fight for our marriage but that’s going to be very difficult if you’re cheating on me.  I’m asking you to remain faithful while we work together to save our marriage.  I know that things have been rough for the past few months, but neither of us has been trying very hard to make real changes.  I am committed to doing just that but I need your cooperation.  I know that if we work together, we can bring back the happiness and fun in our marriage so that neither of us would need to look elsewhere.  I want to bring the spark back so that we can have fun again.  Will you help me make that happen?”

I find that if your conversation can show a husband what is in this for him, he will cooperate more.  Often, if you hint that you will have fun again and he will get more physical intimacy, he is much more likely to be cooperative than if you focus more on how he has hurt you or on what you feel he is doing wrong.

When my husband started giving me hints that he wasn’t happy, I didn’t pay close attention.  My life was extremely hectic and I assumed that our marriage would work itself out and get back on track by itself.  This was a huge mistake.  My husband got tired of never seeing any change and he eventually left me.  Once he left the house, saving my marriage became much more difficult, until I finally found a plan that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Some wives occasionally feel unloved by their husbands.  And, much of the time, they don’t feel this way because of the way that their husband acts.  They feel this way because of the words that he carelessly says when he becomes angry.  Many times, the husband’s go-to words when he particularly wants to hurt his wife is to tell her that he doesn’t love her.  As you can probably imagine, when this happens even once, it is very painful.  But when it becomes a habit, it can make you question your husband and your marriage.

A wife might say: “my husband and I have been fighting a lot within the last couple of months.  Lately, when he becomes angry for various reasons and we begin to argue, he will tell me that he doesn’t love me and that he has never loved me.  This is always said out of anger.  And sometimes, after things cool down, he will apologize and tell me that he really didn’t completely mean it but that he gets so frustrated with our marriage sometimes.  The first couple of times that he said this, it didn’t bother me all that much.  But as it becomes more and more common, I’m starting to get really concerned.  I mean, if you hear something often, eventually you are going to start believing it.  I’m starting to become worried about my marriage and I am starting to doubt his love for me.  Am I overreacting?”

I actually didn’t think that this wife was overreacting.  Hearing the person that you love repeatedly claim that they don’t love you can make you have multiple doubts and of course, it hurts.  Sure, he can apologize and try to take it back.  But by then, the damage has already been done.  You can’t turn back time or pretend that you didn’t hear him.  So, you have to deal with this issue rather than just hoping that it will eventually go away.  I will discuss some ways to do that in the following article.

Have A Very Honest Conversation And Then Continue To Talk Every Time This Happens:  I believe that it’s very important that you address this.  He needs to know how deeply this hurts you and he needs to understand how often this is happening.  So the next time he begins his whole ‘I don’t love you’ stance, stop him and let him know how you feel about this.  A suggested script might be something like: “I need to stop you right there.  We can talk about the underlying issues in a few minutes, but there is something that I really want to address first.  Your telling me that you don’t love me out of anger is becoming a habit.  It happens quite frequently and every time that it does, it hurts me more than I can say.  I know that you are reacting out of anger, but I need you to stop saying this.  Even if you don’t really mean it, these words still hurt me and they make me doubt our marriage.  Can you say anything else?  You can tell me how frustrated you are and you can even say that you dislike how I’m acting.  But saying that you don’t love me as a person or as a wife is just too much.  And know that I’m going to bring your attention to it every time it happens because it is just so hurtful that it needs to stop.”

The next step would be calling him on it the next time he begins his verbal mistake.  So, let’s say that you have had the above conversation and he slips back into his old ways and he begins telling you that he doesn’t love you out of anger.  You would need to stop him and say “I’m drawing your attention to the fact that once again, you’re going with the ‘I don’t love you’ message when you are mad at me.  I’m going to ask you right now to stop.  You can be angry at me and we can talk about it, but telling me that you don’t love me isn’t fighting fair.”

The key is to allow him to see just how often he falls back on these old habits.  He needs to understand that this is a common occurrence and that he has fallen into a habit that has to change.  Often, people don’t even realize what they are doing until someone else brings their attention to the same.

Try To Identify Any Triggers Or Patterns That You Can Remove: Sometimes, you can identify a trigger or a topic that brings about this pattern over and over again.  Sometimes, a couple has never really learned how to resolve conflict without resorting to hurtful name-calling.  Other times, it is one particular topic that tends to bring out the worst in one of the spouses.  Sometimes, if you can identify and then fix this trigger, you can also eliminate the hurtful words.  This is very important because if this continues to go on, it can really deteriorate your marriage.  The wife may begin to feel as if she needs to retaliate in some way and things just go downhill from there.  Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life.  So it’s very important that you both learn how to manage conflicts in a way that doesn’t destroy it.

I learned this lesson far too late.  My husband and I were fighting in very destructive ways.  Things got so bad that we eventually separated and almost divorced.  It wasn’t until I learned how to work with our habits rather than against them that things got much better and we are now very happily married.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog athttp://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane:  Many wives have a great deal of fear and reservations about their upcoming trial separation.  Often, the wife is only reluctantly going along with the separation because she feels as if she doesn’t have much of a choice.  And while she worries about what is going to happen during her day to day life or with her marriage, one of the biggest concerns if often her husband seeing other people.  Often, she just isn’t sure how to broach this subject, especially when the husband has been hinting that this is what he wants to do.

One of these wives might explain: “my husband has been pushing for a trial separation for the past several months.  I have resisted all along and I have hoped he would forget about this and change his mind.  But that never happened.  He has found an apartment and is moving out tomorrow.  All along, he has been saying that he wants time to himself and he wants to see if he is happier living on his own.  Although he hasn’t come right out and said it, I strongly suspect that he is going to see other women because it just seems as if he wants to explore another lifestyle to see if he likes that better.  I don’t want for this to happen.  I worry that if he sees other women, then our marriage is going to be over.  But I’m worried if I bring this up, he’s only going to get angry and more distant.  How do I even approach him about this?”

I felt that it was very important for the wife to gather enough courage to bring up this topic.  Because I feel very strongly that she was right in her suspicions that his seeing other people could really hurt their chances of a reconciliation.  In fact, if I had to pinpoint what is most likely to cause conflict during a trial separation, that would be uncertainty and insecurity.  A wife has a valid reason to feel extremely insecure when she knows her husband is seeing other women.  Also, it just isn’t right to see other people when you are still married.  Sure, you are going through a trial separation, but no one has filed for divorce and no divorce has been finalized.  This means that you are still married and, at least in my opinion, it’s just not appropriate for either spouse to see other people.

How To Ask Your Spouse To Remain Faithful During The Separation:  It’s important that you choose a time when you are both somewhat calm to bring this up.  But, don’t wait too long.  You want to have this conversation before he actually leaves.  In fact, the more ground rules that you can agree upon before the separation begins, the better the outcome will usually be.  So you might want to say something like: “well we really haven’t talked about all of the details of the separation.  One thing, in particular, is really bothering me.  I am worried that if either of us sees other people, this will lessen our chances of reconciliation.  The whole idea of the separation is for us to both take time to become clear about our marriage and about what we truly want.  But if other people are involved, then we can’t objectively evaluate this.   This is going to be hard enough without either of us having to worry about other people coming into our lives.  My intention is to work on myself and not to involve anyone else.  I have no interest in seeing other people when I am hoping to save my marriage to you.  Can you please give me your word that you will remain faithful while we are separated?”

Notice that I kept the tone very calm and I laid out my reasoning behind the request before I actually made the request.  I was hoping to appeal to his sense of logic and fairness rather than his emotions since both people’s emotions can be all over the place during the separation process.  So what do you do if he’s hesitant, says he isn’t sure what he’s going to do or admits that he plans to date other women, well then you will need to evaluate if this is going to be acceptable to you.  But I can tell you that most of the time, it’s difficult to predict exactly what is going to happen.  People often miss their spouse more than they anticipated and this can help matters.

It’s very important to remain upbeat and open.  You want to have regular communication with your spouse and you want for their interactions with you to be positive ones.  You don’t want for him to turn to someone else if he can’t communicate with you.  And you don’t want for him to want to escape with someone else if things get bad.  This isn’t to say that you have to walk on eggshells or pretend to feel something that you don’t.  But to the extent that you can, you want to make sure that things actually improve rather than deteriorate during the separation.

Unfortunately for me, I was so fearful that my husband was going to see other people when we were separated that I became paranoid and negative. My husband never wanted to be around me, and this almost costs me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I learned to take control of the situation that things turned around. If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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