Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are looking for the best way to position their behavior once their husband leaves them or pursues a separation. Many are fully aware that their husband is going to leave relatively soon. And they are wondering what is the best way to respond. Many know that they should not panic and just try to remain as upbeat as possible but they aren’t sure how far they should take this.

One of these wives might explain: “about six months ago, my husband told me that he was going to give our marriage six months to improve. He said if it didn’t improve, then he was going to leave me and initiate a separation. I have really tried to make things better. And I personally think there have been improvements. But apparently, my husband disagreed with this because last week, he told me that he was probably definitely going to leave. I tried to remain neutral and since that time, I have been trying to prepare myself for the day that he leaves. I am certainly not ready to give up on my marriage, but I know that I can’t panic. I guess my question is should I act happy when he leaves? Should I act like I don’t care? Do I act as if I’m looking forward to my own freedom? I want to act appropriately and in a way that makes saving my marriage most likely, but I’m not sure what is most appropriate.”

I know exactly how this wife was feeling. I had these same questions after my husband left me. Unfortunately, although I initially had good intentions, my true feelings showed through. I just could not hold back. I wanted my husband to come home so desperately that it was obvious how I was feeling. And I think this leads to my most important point which is that your reaction should be in alignment with your personality, what is believable, and what is going to get you the closest to what you want. I will discuss this more below.

Don’t Take Any Posturing So Far That It’s Not Remotely Believable:

Unless you’ve been fighting so much that you can no longer stand the sight of your husband, pretending to actually be happy once he leaves is probably taking things a bit too far. Most husbands are going to know their wives well enough that they aren’t going to believe this stance.

I think that this would be the case here since the wife admitted that she had really been trying to improve the marriage. To that end, it was probably pretty obvious that she didn’t want him to leave. So it would be a bit outlandish to think that as soon as he packed his bags and was getting ready to walk out the door, suddenly this thought made her happy. It’s just too big of a jump for most situations, which is why I think that there’s probably a better alternative.

Why I Think It’s Better To Act Hopeful Rather Than To Act Happy:

If you were to ask me to pinpoint the best reaction in one word, I would choose the word hopeful. The reason for this is that hopeful is much easier to pull off and it is much more authentic. Of course, you’re going to be upset, scared, and hurt when your husband leaves. I’m not sure that you should attempt to pretend otherwise. But, it is important to portray confidence and to make it appear that you believe in your marriage, in your love, and in your commitment. As a result, I think it’s appropriate to portray that you feel concerned but hopeful.

There’s A Difference Between Remaining Upbeat And Being Happy That He’s Gone:

Many wives who are considering appearing happy actually want to make their husbands believe that they are glad that he is gone. I don’t think this is the best call. This is your marriage and your husband that you are talking about. He isn’t likely to believe that you will be glad to see him gone and I’m not even sure that you should want for him to believe this.

Yes, it is important to remain upbeat and approachable once he leaves. The reason for this is that you do not want for him to be reluctant to approach you or to spend time with you. To that end, you don’t want to portray depression or sadness. You want to appear that you are coping and are upbeat. But this is different from trying to make him believe that you are happy that he is gone. It is very important to understand the difference. Because one of these scenarios makes saving your marriage more likely and one makes it less likely, in my opinion and experience.

As I alluded to, I was not able to pull off the hopeful stance at first.  Instead, I was desperate and this almost cost me my marriage.  I had to pull myself together in order to completely change tactics.  And one of these tactics worked quite well.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: People who are estranged or separated from their spouse can be unsure if this is going to be a permanent situation or if they should attempt to reconcile and try to make things work. This can be a difficult decision because no one can see into the future. You have no way of knowing if your attempts at a reconciliation are actually going to work. That’s why sometimes the best that you can do is to try to evaluate the situation as accurately as you can and then follow your heart.

A wife might say: “my husband and I separated because we fight bitterly about the stupidest things. Mostly, we fight about our children from previous marriages. He tends to favor his own kids and he feels that I favor mine. There are all sorts of conflict all of the time. We also argue about money and how to spend both our time and our money as a family. We have been separated for about three weeks now. Last week, we had dinner together and out of the blue my husband told me that he missed me and wants to reconcile. I was sort of stunned by this. It isn’t like we’ve done much to solve our problems. I miss him too, but I’m not sure if we are going to make it. There just seems to be too much to sort out. I do love him. And I miss him too. Should I reconcile with him?”

I certainly couldn’t make this call. This decision had to come from the wife herself. However, I could give her some things to think about, which I will share below.

Are Your Problems Able To Be Worked Through For Good?:

One thing that can deteriorate and eventually destroy a marriage are the same problems coming up time and time again with no real resolution. Some couples will hang in there for a while, but eventually, people get tired of arguing over the same old problems that never seem to go away.

So it can help to ask yourself if these are problems that can be fixed, Plenty of couples are able to sort through their money and blended family issues. I am not saying that these issues are easy ones, but there was no infidelity or irresponsibility here. There were only differences of opinion. I felt that these things could probably be resolved with a little help, but again, the wife would need to decide this for herself.

Do You Feel As If You Would Have A Better Life Without Him? Can You Walk Away Knowing You Did All You Could?:

Often when people are at the point where it’s clear that reconciling isn’t a great idea, they know this all the way to their core. They reach a point where they strongly feel that their life is going to be improved by not reconciling. They feel peace in their heart at the thought of walking away, often because they know that they have tried everything that they could to successfully reconcile and still have failed. So, when it’s obvious to them that it’s time to move on, they can do that without any remorse. They can easily picture their spouse remarried years from now and feel no jealousy while still wishing them well.

None of these things seemed to be the case here. Of course, only the wife could evaluate this. But it can help to try to picture your life five years from now in both scenarios. If you are no longer with your spouse, would you be happier or more complete? What about if you reconciled? How happy would you be then? These answers will often give you some clues about where you go from here.

Do You Have A Plan In Place Should You Decide To Reconcile?:

Many separated couples miss their spouse and attempt to reconcile. But only some are successful. Wanting to reconcile and being able to successfully reconcile so that you are eventually happily married are two entirely different things.

To have the best chance of success, you will need to agree to a plan in order to keep you on track. Have you agreed to counseling? Or will you meet once per week to evaluate your progress? Have you learned to negotiate your problems in new, and more healthy ways?

This wife confided in me that she had the same types of problems with her first husband. She was very upset that things weren’t different this time around because she truly loved this man. The thing is, unless you learn how to successfully navigate or successfully change that issue, you are unfortunately likely to get the same results. That’s why it’s very important that you not rely on good intentions alone.

Missing your husband and wanting to reconcile are both very good signs. It proves that the desire is there. But if you don’t have the tools, then the desire isn’t always enough. So to answer the question posed, if your heart is telling you that you want to reconcile, it’s best to make sure that you have a sound plan in place that you are both enthusiastic about until you proceed.

Believe me when I say that if my own husband had wanted to reconcile, I would not have hesitated.  I was the spouse who wanted to reconcile while my husband was hesitant to do so because he knew that we never had any decent plan in place.  I had to educate myself about how we could get out of the same old patterns once and for all.  It wasn’t an easy process, but it was worth it.  If it helps, you can read our reconciliation story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many women wonder how long they truly have to change their husband’s mind about the divorce that he has recently filed. Often, they want to know how long it takes for a divorce to become final so that they will know how long they have to carry out any reconciliation plan.

A wife might have this concern: “my husband filed for divorce two days ago. We were separated for a while and things actually seemed to be getting better between us. That’s why I’m shocked that he filed. When I asked him about it, he said that it was a very hard decision but that he was just doing what he thought was best. He didn’t really want to elaborate at all so I’m not sure if he’s going to try to get a finalized divorce very quickly or if he will drag his feet because he still isn’t sure. I’m a bit panicked thinking that I might have only mere weeks to save my marriage. But then I think that perhaps my panic is leading me to think that things are worse than they actually are. How can I tell if he’s going to be moving quickly on this? So far, I only have the initial filing.”

I am certainly not an attorney or fit to offer legal advice. And I won’t be doing that in this article. I can tell you that this varies from state to state so any attorney in your particular state can outline a typical time frame.

However, I know from experience that feeling panic is actually a detriment to saving your marriage. The reason for this is that when you are desperate you act in ways that are more likely to make your husband want the divorce to become final more quickly instead of changing his mind. So as rushed as you may feel, try your very best not to panic because this can cause you to lose control of your emotions and now is the time that you need to be firmly in control.

Know That Your Husband (And Not Anyone Else) Will Generally Set The Time Frame:

I am speaking very generally here, but many times, people who want to move very quickly on their divorce have a lot of anger at their spouse. Something very explosive or disturbing has happened to make the divorcing spouse want the other out of their lives as soon as is possible. That didn’t appear to be the case here.

Of course, your husband’s attorney will likely want to get right to work and to move forward. But generally speaking, your husband is the one who will set the pace. In other words, if your husband begins to have doubts and wants to slow or halt the process, he can always tell the attorney to pause or to wait. After all, the attorney works for your husband and everything is done at your husband’s directive.

My point is that if you can change your husband’s mind or cause him to waiver, then he does have the ability to slow down or even halt the process. I have seen this happen many times. I’ve even seen more than a few couples divorce and eventually reconcile later. So although I know you probably feel very pressured, know that even if the worst seemingly happens, people can and do change their mind. It’s my opinion and experience that as long as both spouses are still alive, there is always a chance that all is not lost.

Know That “Fighting” Your Husband On The Divorce Isn’t A Strategy With A High Success Rate:

Many wives figure that if their husband plans to move quickly, their best strategy is to “fight” him on the divorce or to be very contentious. When you consider your long-term strategy, this doesn’t make a lot of sense. If your whole goal is to make him not want to divorce you so that you can remain married and will reconcile, then fighting with him isn’t likely to help you much. Sure, you may put a wrench in his plans, but when the divorce is final (even if this takes a little longer) than you may well dislike one another very much, making a reconciliation next to impossible.

The other alternative is to share any reconciliation strategy with your own attorney with the directive to cooperate but not to work at the most speedy pace so that each phase takes a good amount of time. Because if you appear to be cooperating, this will mean that you have a better chance of continuing to have access with your husband and of continuing to get along well. You are going to need both things in order to have the best chance at a reconciliation.

So to answer the question posed, I really couldn’t predict this husband’s time frame. The fact that the couple was still interacting in positive ways was a good sign and I felt that the wife was right to resist panicking. I believe that the best strategy is appearing to cooperate while maintaining as much control as you can. You want to maintain access to your husband so that you can still talk and meet regularly in the hopes that you can steadily improve your relationship until it reaches the point where your husband no longer wants to pursue a divorce.

Unfortunately, I know most of this from experience.  To say I panicked when my husband started talking about a divorce is an understatement.  And I acted in ways that truly embarrass me now.  Needless to say, this hurt me rather than helped me and I had to completely change strategies in order to get my husband back.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are beyond frustrated that their husband is moping around the house and putting his unhappiness on full display. Often, he seems unwilling to do anything about this and the wives often wonder why he would be willing to be so unhappy rather than attempt to change things or even to get a separation or divorce.

I heard from a wife who said: “a couple of months ago, my husband told me that he was unhappy with me and the marriage. I asked him what he wanted to do about this and his response was ‘what is there to do about it?’ Last night, I was nosing around on his Facebook account and I saw that he was catching up with an old buddy and saying that marriage sure isn’t what he thought and that it’s all very disappointing. My question is why doesn’t he do something about it? Why doesn’t he just divorce me then? Is it because he doesn’t want to give me any money in the event of a divorce? I’m losing my patience with a man who won’t take responsibility for his own happiness. What can I do?” I’ll offer some suggestions in the following article.

The Various And Valid Reasons An Unhappy Man Won’t Initially Pursue A Divorce:

There are many reasons that a man will initially stay in a marriage when he’s unhappy. Sometimes, he is hoping that things improve. Other times, he doesn’t want to bow out too quickly before he has made an attempt to change or to improve things. Still another possibility is that he believes that marriage is forever, even when it is not perfect. And yes, some men will let their wallets make the decisions for them, especially if they fear that divorce is going to be incredibly costly financially.

But regardless of his reasoning, you get to decide how you are going to react to this and where you want to go from here. Because unhappiness can always be changed with the right plan and follow through.

Why It’s Better To Focus On Improving Your Marriage So That You Are Both Happier Rather Than Dwelling On Why He Stays:

Believe me when I say that I do understand your confusion and your frustration as to why he’s hanging around when he’s clearly unhappy. But sometimes, the fact that he hasn’t left is more important than why he stays put, especially if you want to save your marriage. If deep down you truly don’t want him to leave, then you are better off placing your focus on improving the happiness level in your marriage (for both of you) than spending a lot of time analyzing his behavior, which might not be rational anyway.

Improving your marriage is something over which you have a good deal of control. But, you can’t necessarily change his thought process. And debating it or demanding answers isn’t likely to help your situation. That’s why I advocate controlling what you can. And you can start by taking inventory and figuring out what it would take to make both of you more content in your marriage.

Cultivating Your Own Happiness:

It’s not uncommon for the sullen and unhappy husband to close down. He often won’t talk about why he feels this way or what you could do to improve things for him. You may have to think back to things he has said or done. You may have to rewind your memory to look for clues. Of course, you can always try to ask him what you could do to make him more content with the marriage and you can stress that you can’t help him if he won’t open up.

I do dialog with a lot of husbands about this topic on my blog. And I can tell you that when they start talking about vague unhappiness, they are often lamenting a lack of excitement, variety, and intimacy in your marriage. Often, they want more of your attention, more of your time, and more of your affection. They want to feel as if they are important enough to you that you will make them a priority. Many feel pressured in their marriages and they don’t feel that there is anything positive on the other side in order to balance this out.

So if you have no idea where or how to start, a good place to begin is always going to be trying to cultivate a sense of playfulness and adventure with your spouse. You want to have fun together so that he looks forward to being with you. Ultimately, you want for him to know that you are his safe haven and that his life will be better as soon as he comes home to you.

As you begin this process, you can watch closely for his responses. If he reacts favorably to something, do more of it. If he shows no response, make a note of that and try something else. I know that it may not feel like it, but his not leaving in spite of his unhappiness can actually be a positive thing. Because it gives you time to fix this before he eventually gets so tired of feeling unhappy that he does leave. Not many men are willing to be unhappy for a lifetime so it’s important that you do whatever is necessary to make sure that you are both content.

I wish I had listened and then acted when my own husband told me he was unhappy. I just hoped that things would get better. But, of course, they never did. And we eventually separated. I had a lot of catching up to do in order to get my husband back home. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives feel as if they were forced to change for good after their husband left them. Often, they were fully aware that the only way to have any chance of him coming back was to authentically change in order to remove the obstacles that were standing in the way of a happy marriage.

A wife might say: “I believe that my husband left me for multiple reasons. But the biggest reason is that he thinks I am too immature. I am a lot younger than him. At first, I don’t think that this bothered him at all. However as time went on, he began to believe that we didn’t have that much in common because I didn’t take life seriously enough. I think he began to see me as a party girl who only thought about having a good time with my friends while he took on all of the responsibilities. As a result, we fought all the time about money and I would poke fun at him for acting like my father. Looking back now, I see that I was totally out of line, but it wasn’t obvious to me back then. My husband has been gone for about five weeks. Since that time, I have enrolled in college. I have stopped going out all of the time. I have cut back on silly spending. I realize that for us to have a complete life together, then we both have to contribute equally to that life. I called my husband the other night and told him what I had done and how much I felt that I had changed. I could hear the doubt in his voice and then he quickly changed the subject. Clearly, he doesn’t even begin to believe me. Short of bringing the college receipts over to his house, how can I prove to him that I have really and completely changed so that he will want to come back home?”

The wife had made a decent start, but what she didn’t realize was that because she had wavered many times before when her husband complained about her behavior, he naturally had his doubts about how genuine the changes were this time. And like many men who have initiated a separation, he was leery of any promises that were meant as a pretty blatant attempt to get him to come home. The fear, of course, is that once he returns home, the wife will quit college and will go back to her partying ways.

So the wife had to understand that she likely had many doubts to overcome and this was going to take some time. In the meantime though, there were some things that she could do to help her cause. I will share some of them below.

Don’t Keep Dwelling On The Changes. Let Them Show Themselves Naturally:

If you bring up the new you every chance you get, your husband is likely to think that you are only putting on a display for his benefit. You run the risk of looking ingenuine. So know that telling him of what you have done once is enough. If he has questions, he will ask. Resist the urge to keep working your new life into every conversation. He will be much more likely to believe you if he gradually sees the changes for himself.

Make Sure That Any Change You Make Is Something That You Can Maintain:

I don’t want to sound insensitive, but I dialog with many husbands in this situation on my blog. Many of them are just waiting for you to show your true colors. In fact, many of them will even test you to see if they can get you to slip up and resort back to your old ways. (And if you do, you are going to have a very hard time getting him to believe you again.) So you need to make absolutely sure that any change you attempt is going to be something that you can maintain even under pressure and even under temptation. If this wife was going to claim that she would stop partying and head to college, then she needed to make absolutely sure that she was willing to do just that for a lifetime. Because if the husband was so upset about her lifestyle that he was willing to leave her, then he wasn’t going to suddenly find her lifestyle acceptable when she resorted back to it later.

Have Confidence And Give Off The Impression That You Don’t Need To Prove Anything:

Often, when you become frustrated and want to “prove” something, your tone or the air that you give off almost has a sense of desperation to it and this makes people suspicious of your motives and your sincerity. You are much better off displaying confidence. You want to state your case and then give off the impression that he is going to believe you over time because he will see for himself. There is no need to prove anything or to “make” him believe you. Because after he sees you doing exactly what you say, then he will no longer be able to deny it.

Whether this will be enough to lure him back home isn’t for me to determine, but it is most certainly a good start. Any time you can remove an obstacle that is so important to your spouse that it is standing in your way of remaining married, then it is worth doing.

I definitely had to show my husband sincere, lasting change in order for him to come home during our separation.  At first, he didn’t believe me but I just kept acting authentically and I waited him out.  Eventually, we reconciled and we are still very happily married today.  You’re welcome to read the whole story my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Believe it or not, many folks feel as if their marital problems are mostly their fault.  And although they would very much like to save their marriage, they often wonder if this is a selfish desire.  Sometimes, they admit that they think their family might be better off or happier if they would just accept a divorce and move on.

I heard from a wife who said something like: “I will admit that many of my marital problems stem from my depression.  My husband has begged me for years to get treatment and I have resisted.  He says that my mood swings bring him down and affect our children.  As a result, he moved out about six weeks ago.  This has devastated me and of course, has only made my depression worse.  Since my husband isn’t seeing any improvement, he says that he wants a divorce.  I am devastated by this.  But at the same time, I’m not sure that I can ever be who he wants me to be.  And I don’t want to bring my kids down with my mood swings. Part of me says that my family is better off without me so I should just bow out.  But another part of me says that I am crazy not to fight for my marriage.  Should I just accept the divorce? What is the right thing to do?”

I am certainly not a mental health professional and I cannot make this type of judgment call for someone else.  But I do know some folks who have been through depression.  And many will tell you that getting the right therapeutic regimen can be life-changing.  So that would be where I would place my focus first.  Getting a handle on the depression would likely help the wife to make a sound decision with regards to her marriage.  I would not try to make any lasting decisions about the future of my marriage until I sought treatment and saw some improvement first.  Again, I’m not an expert.  But it just makes sense that you should be as mentally clear as you can possibly be before you attempt to make this sort of judgment which can have lifelong repercussions.

Getting Treatment Is The Best Call For Everyone Who You Love, Including Yourself:   This wife admitted that despite her husband pleading with her for years to get treatment, she had resisted this out of fear.  She was afraid and ashamed to admit that she had a problem.  Frankly, depression is an illness like diabetes, heart disease, or any other.  No one is ashamed to go and get treatment for cancer.  And you should not be ashamed to admit or treat depression either.  Like other diseases and medical issues, it is something that happens through no fault of your own.

Folks who are being successfully treated will often tell you that their life has completely changed for the better.  Please take that first step and go talk with your doctor or a counselor.  You would not resist treatment if you had some medical issue that was keeping you from living your best life.  This really should be no different.  You deserve your best self and so does your family.

Children Do Well With Two Parents That Positively Contribute To Their Lives:  It made me extremely sad that this woman felt that her family might be better off without her as a constant in their lives.  I doubted that this was the case.  But I also believe that if she received treatment, her being emotionally healthy and present in her children’s lives would be the best thing for them.  Children need both of their parents.  And no one who had another type of illness would stay away from their children because of that same illness.  But sadly, people with the illness of depression often think in these terms.  Admittedly, your children would probably benefit from your getting treatment, but they would not benefit from a life without their mother.

Make Yourself A Priority And Hope That Your Marriage Will Follow:  As I alluded to, I believe that it’s probably very hard to make sound life decisions when you are suffering from depression.  That’s why I believe that you should put your own healing and treatment first and before anything else.  Your marriage may sort itself out as a result.  In fact, I suspected that the husband would react very positively to the wife seeking treatment. But, even if he did not, the treatment was the course of action she needed to take for herself and for her own well being.  In order to love and do right by your family, you also need to love and do right by yourself.  You can’t care for others if you are not firing on all cylinders.  It is not selfish to think of your own needs right now.  Doing so is necessary for both you and your family.

So to answer the question posed, although I couldn’t decide for this wife whether or not to accept the divorce, I didn’t agree that her family would be better off without her, although I felt strongly that everyone would benefit from her seeking treatment.  I’m certainly no expert but I feel strongly that the world can be distorted when you are struggling with depression.  So removing that obstacle should be where you start before you start to tackle anything else regarding your marriage.

When my husband left me, I strongly believe that he had at least some minor form of depression.  He had a lot of stress coming at him from all angles and he wasn’t acting like himself.  We did seek outside help for our marriage and this, in turn, helped us as individuals and was one of the things that helped us save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read about the whole process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are absolutely shocked that suddenly their husband is admitting that the thought of divorce has crossed his mind. Often, these women will tell you that this is the first that they have heard of such talk.

I heard from a wife who said: “last week, my husband and I got into a terrible argument. He blurted out that he wasn’t all that happy in our marriage. When this failed to get the reaction that he apparently wanted, he said that he’d even thought about a divorce a couple of months ago. That stopped me in my tracks. Frankly, I had no idea he was that unhappy. I know that we’ve recently hit a bit of a rough patch and I know that our marriage most definitely is not perfect. But I’ve never thought about divorce and I didn’t think he had either. In fact, if you asked me if my marriage was generally happy, I would tell you that yes it is mostly happy. And I would have assumed that my husband would’ve said the same thing. But obviously I was wrong. Things have blown over in the past couple of days but I can’t forget about those words. Some of my friends say that I should just put it behind me but I can’t seem to do that. I am afraid that as I turn my attention elsewhere my husband is still going to be thinking about a divorce. And I have my kids to consider also. Am I crazy to dwell on this?”

I didn’t think this wife was crazy at all. In fact, I think she was very smart and observant. When your husband starts alluding to the fact that he isn’t happy and that the thought of divorce has crossed his mind, you would be smart to pay close attention. I can tell you this from experience. So many wives just ignore this and hope for the best and then they are stunned to be served with the divorce papers. You are much better off paying attention and taking action. And if you turn out to be wrong, the worst that can happen is that you have taken action to improve your marriage. So honestly, there is no down side.

Try To Get Him To Clarify The Source And Severity Of His Unhappiness: I realize that the last thing that both of you might want to do is to rehash your problems, especially if it seems as if things have blown over. But, if you can get him to clarify how unhappy he is, the source of his unhappiness, and the duration of it, you will be in a much better position to address and then fix this.

When things are calm, you might consider saying something like: “I don’t mean to rehash the past, but can we talk for a minute about what you said the other day? It concerns me that you’ve been this unhappy without my knowing it. I want for us both to be as happily married as we can possible be. Can you share with me what’s making you unhappy. Can you quantify how bad it is on a scale of 1 to 10? Can you share when the unhappiness started? I’m not trying to debate about it. I’m just trying to understand what is causing it so that we can address this and fix it once and for all.”

Hopefully this will inspire an honest conversation that can give you important insights on what you might need to address. Remember that you aren’t bringing this up to tell him that he’s overreacting or to argue with his perceptions or with what he is feeling. You are looking for clues as to where you can both do better. You are looking for areas to focus on improvement. And you are trying to come up with some compromises that are going to work for both of you.

Once You Begin To Address The Issues That Are Most Affecting His Happiness Level, Check In Regularly. One of the issues that is the biggest concern here is that the wife was caught completely off guard. She truly didn’t know that her husband had been unhappy at all. So, it’s very important that you begin to check in with one another regularly so that you aren’t caught unaware the next time.

Perhaps once a week you can go out to dinner and then just casually ask him where his happiness level is and what you might do to bring it up even higher. You might both evaluate the changes you’ve made and what is working and what is not. You don’t want to make so huge a deal out of this that your husband feels like he’s being analyzed too much. But, you do want to get in the habit of regularly discussing any issues so that you can address them before they become issues so large that your husband once again considers divorce.

Conversations about divorce shouldn’t be taken lightly even when they come in the middle of an argument or out and out fight. Committed and happily married couples generally will not carelessly utter these phrases if they don’t have at least some validity. That’s why I think this wife was absolutely right to take this very seriously.

As  I alluded to, I know this from experience.  My husband started dropping hints that he was unhappy long before he left.  But I thought he was just being overly dramatic and getting into the habit of complaining.  My delay in taking any real action almost cost me my marriage.  And I had to work very hard to get my husband on board in order to save it.  If it helps, you can read the whole story from beginning to end on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives very much want to come up with some strategy which is going to change their husband’s mind about the divorce that he now wants so passionately. Many have pondered trying manipulation, jealousy, a surprise pregnancy, or just pleading their case.

And many very rightly suspect that these strategies often just won’t work. But when you’re at the point where you know that you are running out of time, you are sometimes willing to try just about anything. I know because I have been there. And I too have tried these desperate, last-ditch efforts which almost cost me my marriage. You’re right if you suspect that they usually not only don’t work, but they can sometimes make things even worse.

And I know that all of this talk might seem very depressing. But the good news is that there are some things that actually do work. Most of them do not work overnight and they do require determination and a little fine-tuning. But they can and do work when done correctly. Below, I will discuss some of the things that can make a man change his mind about a divorce.

He Believes That The Problems In Your Marriage Have Been Removed Or Have Changed: If I were to ask wives whose marriage is in trouble why their husbands had checked out, I know that many would say that their husband no longer loves them. But actually, this is just a symptom of a larger problem. He may think that he doesn’t love you, but this belief is merely the fallout of a larger issue that was not resolved.

So if you can pinpoint that issue and either remove it or make him think that it has changed, then he will no longer need to divorce you in order to resolve it. However, you have to use some caution here. Your actions have to seem very genuine and believable. Because if they do not, your husband isn’t going to believe in this change. He’s going to know that the change is just a convenient way for you to attempt to change his mind. For example, if you are constantly fighting about money and all of a sudden you promise your husband that you will never spend another frivolous dime, obviously he’s going to put up walls of doubt because this is very sudden and out of character. It would be better to ask him to sit down with you and make a budget and then to show him that you have no problem whatsoever sticking with it.

The money issue is just one example. But you can often find your central issue and whittle away at it in a very believable way so that he comes to realize it’s not such a huge issue after all, and that it certainly doesn’t warrant a divorce.

He Becomes So Connected To You That The Issues Don’t Matter As Much As They Once Did: Another strategy that often works is to place your focus on reconnecting with your husband. It’s my experience and observation that if you can set it up where you are intimate and reconnecting, then you might both find that the larger areas of conflict just don’t matter as much as they once did. Often, when you feel deeply in love, you are much more willing to let things go or to gloss over them. Because your payoff is the connection you have with your spouse, you often are not willing to allow any issues to get in the way of that.

He Sees That You Have Learned New, Less Destructive Ways To Debate Your Issues: Another strategy that I see working is for couples to learn new ways to debate or navigate their problems. Because sometimes, it is not the issue that dooms a marriage, it is the way that the couple handles the issue.

If the conflict gets so bad that you do little else but fight about or debate it, this whittles away at your bond. Counselors will often tell you that they can tell which couples will divorce and which will stay together by watching that same couple fight. If one or both parties are critical of the person rather than the issue or if one of them fights in such a way that it whittles away the other person’s dignity or self-respect (so that the attack feels personal,) this is a good indication that your marriage could be in trouble with the right conflict.

Take a look at the way that you and your spouse handle conflict. The key is to criticize the issue and not the person. Your spouse should not feel personally attacked. If the conflict is about money, discuss the fact that your spouse’s spending brings out the anxiety in you rather than telling your spouse that he is irresponsible and spoiled and that he feels that he’s entitled to overspend.

The above are three examples of things that you can do to begin to change his mind about the divorce. Always keep in mind that these really are long-term objectives. You don’t want to change his mind today only to revert back to your old ways or to your old marriage tomorrow. Because if you do, you’re going to have a very hard time making him believe in true change the next time.

As I alluded to, I tried manipulation in the early stages of my marriage crumbling and my husband wanting a divorce.  This seriously backfired so that I had a lot of ground to make up once I started again.  I did use the 3 strategies outlined above and they worked so well that we are still together.  If it helps, you can read my marriage saving story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are struggling to deal with disappointed husbands. Often, the husband has alluded to the fact (or he has come right out and said) that he’s disappointed in the marriage because it isn’t what he was expecting or hoping for. It’s nearly impossible to hear these types of discussions about your marriage and to not respond with worry or concern.

A wife might say: “we’ve only been married for a couple of years. Last night, my husband told me that he’s disappointed in our marriage because it hasn’t been what he thought that it was going to be. He said this in the saddest, defeated tone, almost as if there was nothing that we could do to change it. I asked him why he was telling me this and what he was going to do about it. He wouldn’t give me a straight answer. And that’s why I’m terrified that he is going to leave me. He says that he feels tied down, unhappy, and older than his years. What does this mean for me? And is there anything that I can do about this?”

There’s certainly plenty that you can do. I know that hearing these types of words is extremely hard and upsetting. But if there’s any bright side, it’s this. He’s almost giving you a warning while you still have time to turn things around. Many wives don’t have this advantage. The only time they are told that the marriage isn’t working for the husband is after the husband leaves or files for divorce.

I realize this wife wasn’t sure how her husband was going to proceed. But at the present time, he hadn’t yet made any efforts to look for a new place to live or to leave. So, for the time being, she still had some time to make some lasting and meaningful changes which would hopefully ensure that her marriage improved to the point where her husband was no longer disappointed in it. Next, I’ll offer some tips on how to handle this.

Listen Very Carefully To His Words And Examine Them For Clues: In order to successfully address what is wrong, you need to understand which things are contributing to your husband’s disappointment. Sometimes, your conversations will give you very distinct clues about this. And other times, you may need to observe his reactions and behaviors. In this case, the husband had told his wife that their marriage was making him feel “tied down” and “old.” When a man uses these kinds of phrases to discuss his marriage, he’s all but telling you that he craves more excitement, spontaneity, and variety. You can take a look at both of your personalities and preferences in order to come up with some activities that would please you both.

It is up to you whether you choose to tell him what you are doing or whether to outline any plan that you might have to improve your marriage. (And you will often need to consider how resistant he may be to this.)  Many wives don’t go into a long or drawn out discussion about any plan that they might have. They just begin to incorporate the new behaviors or actions into their marriage, watch for their husband’s reactions, and tweak things accordingly.

This Is Not The Time To Allow Fear To Take Over Or To Debate Where He’s Wrong; It’s very normal to feel defensive when you hear your husband saying that something about you or the marriage isn’t making him happy. There’s a real inclination to tell him that he expects too much or to point out his own shortcomings as a defense mechanism.

While you may be somewhat justified in this, you aren’t doing anything to solve your issues and you may well make things worse. Resist any urge to debate his perceptions or to point out exactly where he is wrong. It typically won’t get you anywhere and he may feel compelled to defend his position. To that end, you are almost encouraging him to take inventory of where you are falling short, which is the last thing that you should want.

Try To Make This A Gradual Process That Is Going To Stick: Carefully examine any changes you are considering making in order to make sure that they are sustainable. For example, the wife in the above scenario could vow to take up skydiving to add excitement into their lives, but if she were horribly afraid of heights, there are probably better choices. Choose something that is going to work for both of you and that doesn’t put you so outside of your comfort zone that you are going to come to dread or resent it or won’t be able to follow through with it.

Also, you want for the changes to be noticeable but somewhat gradual because you don’t want for your husband to think that you’re only acting because you know that if you don’t, your marriage is in trouble. You want for him to believe that you are behaving genuinely so that he trusts that he can truly believe in any changes.

I know that’s it’s upsetting and hurtful to hear your husband say that the marriage isn’t what expected. But now is the time to have an open conversation about exactly what he was hoping for and then to make the changes that are going to make your marriage more fulfilling for both of you.

I wish I had listened more intently to my husband when he began to complain about our marriage. I basically tuned him out and hoped that things would get better on their own.  This almost cost me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I took a swift and sustainable action that I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read that whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are confused and upset by the way that their husband is acting during a marital or trial separation. Often, he is acting like an entirely different person and the wife can’t help but wonder what this means in terms of saving her marriage.

Someone might say: “my husband represented the separation as just a short break from one another. He said at the end we would come back and regroup and then get to work on our marriage. Well, he’s not acting like a man who is thinking about his marriage at all. Suddenly, he’s acting like a frat boy again. He goes out with coworkers to bars. He got a ridiculous new haircut. He doesn’t even attempt to see the kids all that much. It’s as if he wants to totally shed his dad and husband role and I’m not very happy about it. When I bring this to his attention, he says that I need to relax and that he is just blowing off some steam. I tell him that it seems as if the love and commitment is no longer there and he says that I am being overly dramatic. I just don’t understand why he is acting this way. It concerns me and he doesn’t even seem like the man I’ve married anymore. What does his behavior mean for my marriage?”

Men often act in foreign ways once the separation begins. Sometimes, there are troubling reasons behind this and sometimes there are not. It’s very important that you don’t panic or press him too hard. Because often, he is reacting to a stressful and new situation (although he may be reacting in a way that is completely the opposite of the way that you find appropriate.) Additionally, he may well change his mind and his behaviors in the coming weeks. I will discuss this more below.

Separated Husbands Often Exhibit Strange Behaviors That Change And Evolve Over Time: As I alluded to, this situation is entirely new and foreign to both of you. Some people actually cling more tightly to their spouse during the separation and others want more distance. The way that he is acting today may not be the way that he will act tomorrow.

Sometimes, men really do intend to come home fairly soon so they figure that they may as well enjoy themselves during their time away. They may want to experience less responsibilities and conflict. Sometimes, this is perfectly innocent. They aren’t intending to transition to seeing other people or divorcing their spouse. They are just trying to have new or different experiences, as unfair as this may seem.

I understand that seeing your husband completely change his behavior is troubling to you. I felt the same way. And I would never tell you that you should ignore what you are seeing. But I can reassure you that seeing troubling or confusing behavior during a separation is quite common and it doesn’t always mean that he’s trying to discard you or the marriage.

How To Act When You Find Your Husband’s Behavior Troubling Or Confusing During The Separation: I know that it’s very tempting to demand an explanation or to draw his attention to the fact that he’s not acting like himself. But it’s very challenging to talk about this and not have it sound accusatory or to not give off the impression that you are either fearful or insecure. Also, often he will feel the need to defend or justify his behavior, which means that you might start to see more of it.

If the real goal is for his behavior to pass, then you are much better off trying not to make a huge deal out of it. You can briefly question him or ask for clarification if you feel the need to, but don’t get into a huge debate about this or make him feel as if he needs to win an argument.

It’s better to pinpoint what is bothering you the most and to address those aspects of it. For example, the wife was bothered most by the fact that he wasn’t seeing the kids as often as the kids would have liked. This was worth addressing first (rather than the fact that she was bugged by the new haircut that she thought was an attempt to be more youthful.)

So she might ignore the hair cut and say “the kids have been asking when they’re going to see you. They really miss you and want to spend some time with you. When can I tell them that you’re coming by?”

In this way, you aren’t belittling him or telling him that he’s being a bad father because he’s trying to shed his responsibilities. You are bringing his attention to the fact that his kids miss him and he may be overlooking that aspect of his life.

Above all, don’t make it appear that you are hanging on his every behavior. Know that he may be reacting to stress or loneliness or just confusion. A separation can bring about all sorts of feelings and fears. It’s not uncommon for both spouses to have some negative or even confusing reactions. All of this is normal. And if you don’t overreact, you may just see him acting more normally as more time passes and the novelty of the separation begins to wear off. But pushing or dwelling on the point often won’t make him return to his normal self any earlier. In fact, it might just make matters worse when he feels that he needs to defend himself.

I will admit that I tried to call my husband on his behavior while we were separated. My hope was that once I made him aware of how he was acting, he would stop.  This isn’t what happened, instead, he got defensive and the behavior got worse.  I had to come up with an entirely new strategy that finally saved my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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