Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Sometimes, wives are dealing with a husband who is asking them to commit to working things out or to save their marriage.  Often, as much as the wife might like this idea, there is still a lot of doubt as to whether this is the right choice.   The wives often aren’t sure if working things out is going to be possible or even if it is in their best interest.

One of them might say: “my husband and I have been arguing for months.  Things were very chilly at our house, so I decided to stay with my mother for a while.  Sometimes I think my husband is too immature to be married.  He doesn’t seem to care about our future or about being responsible.  He only wants to have fun with his irresponsible friends.  And when I complain he acts as if I’m nothing but a nag.  This cycle has gotten old and I am starting to think that I would be better off in the long term without him.  I do love him though.  He makes me laugh and he makes life a lot more fun.  But I feel like if I stay married to him I will be an old woman with no savings and no security.  Especially if he won’t change.  Then out of the blue last night, he showed up at my mother’s house with flowers.  He asked me to go for a walk and while we were walking he asked me to come home so that we could work things out.  He said he would try his best to get a better job and become more responsible if I will stop nagging so much.  I want to believe all of this.  But I am so torn.  I worry that he is only trying to get me away from the security of my mom’s and then he’ll revert back to his old ways.  My feelings are all over the place.  I change my mind every few seconds.  How do I know if working things out with my husband is the right decision?”

This is not a decision that I can make for anyone because it is a very serious decision that should be made only by the people involved.  However, I can offer some things to think about or some questions to ask.  I can also suggest some compromises that might make both people more at ease.  I will discuss these things below.

Ask Him If He Would Be Willing To Make The Changes Before You Come Home Or Commit To Working Things Out:  I am always amazed that people feel that they need to make an immediate decision in this situation.  They allow themselves to be pressured into action before they feel comfortable doing so.  The fact is that this woman had a mother who was willing to let her stay as long as she needed.  There was no need to make any rash decisions.  She could tell her husband that what he was proposing sounded promising and that she couldn’t wait to watch it unfold. Then she could stress that if she saw the types of changes that he was promising for a set amount of time, then she would consider coming home.  This way, she would feel more secure in deciding to give him that second chance because he would have already proven that he was making good on his promises.  But until then, she still had the security of waiting.

Is He Willing To Allow You Input Along The Way?:  Your reconciliation is going to have a much higher chance of success if you and your spouse are regularly discussing and evaluating your progress.  Ask your spouse if he would be agreeable to meeting say once per week to discuss which things are working in your marriage and which are not.  That way, he can’t say that you are nagging, but you will know that he is going to be held accountable on a regular basis.

What Does Your Heart Tell You To Do?  I fully advocate placing as many safeguards in place as is possible.  But, at the end of the day, you can’t predict the future.  You can only go by what your heart is telling you, hope for the best, and set it up so that you have the highest chance of success.   Stop for a second and listen to what that little voice in the back of your head is telling you.  Because it is often quite wise.  Listen to any objections that it might have and make a note of them because you will want to address these in order to have confidence moving forward.  If you try to reconcile without believing that it is really possible, your chances of success are much lower than they might have otherwise have been.  So take stock of what is wrong and vow to address it if you chose to eventually move forward.

Know That You Can Change Your Mind: Understand that nothing is set in stone. Just because you agree to give him a chance to prove to you that he can change, this doesn’t mean that you can’t reevaluate or ask for more if something doesn’t work for you.  Agreeing to hope for the best or to see what happens doesn’t mean that you have signed a binding contract.  It just means that you are hoping that he will show you that working it out is not only possible, but it is also in your best interest.

So to answer the question posed, I can’t tell you if you should work things out.  But I can tell you if you are considering it, there are many things that you can do to minimize the risk of failure and boost the chance of success.  And I completely understand loving someone so much that you are willing to take that risk.  Because very often, that risk is worth it.  I would have done just about anything to save my marriage after my husband and I separated.  But thankfully, I focused as much on improving our relationship as I did on getting him back.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many separated wives are completely confused by their husband’s behavior.  Often, he is the one who wanted or pushed for the separation.  But now that it has happened, he is doing his best to make the wife feel bad about the situation that he himself wanted and created.

One of these wives might say: “my husband and I have been fighting for several months.  I wanted to work things out and save our marriage but he wasn’t so sure.  Over time, he started talking about moving out and separating. I tried to talk him out of it, but he seemed determined to have his way.  He moved out a couple of weeks ago.  And since that time, he’s done everything in his power to make me feel guilty.  He tells me that he lives in a dump.  He whines that he doesn’t see his children enough.  He complains about how much he’s having to pay to live somewhere else.  I feel bad about all of these things, but I’m not the one who wanted the separation.  So I don’t feel that I have to apologize for his sad living conditions.  And I don’t feel that I should have to beg him to come home either.  He’s an adult and he has made his own decisions.  But why would he try to make me feel guilty when he’s the one who wanted to separate in the first place?”

There are many reasons that a husband might elicit guilt during a separation.  I will discuss some of them in the following article.

He Might Be Trying To Get You To Ask Him To Come Back:  Sometimes, a man finds that the separation isn’t what he thought it was going to be.  Rather than feeling free, he feels lonely.  Rather than feel less obligation, he realizes that he’s paying for two homes.  And he might find that he misses his wife and suspects that he made a drastic decision which he now regrets.  But, rather than come clean about all of this, he figures it would be in his best interest to get you to ask him to come home.  That way, he doesn’t look like he came crawling back and the power in the relationship remains with him.

Many wives are fine with this.  They don’t mind being the one to ask him to come back because this is what they want anyway.  But many are disappointed when he changes his mind or decides to play hard to get.  Even if you are tempted to play along, realize that he may be playing mind games with you and things may not unfold as you hoped.  That’s why I feel that it’s best to handle things honestly rather than to play games, but sometimes this is easier said than actually done.

He May Be Planning To Remain Gone Longer Than Anticipated And He’s Trying To Gain Your Sympathy Before He Reveals His Plan:  Sometimes, your husband is tolerating (or even enjoying) the separation more than he is willing to let on.  There are times when he may be planning something that would prolong the separation or would encompass something that you haven’t talked about or agreed upon.  And he’s using guilt as a way to posture or to get into your good graces before he reveals this to you.  Honestly, he may not even realize that he is doing this or it may not be intentional.

He May Just Be Feeling Sorry For Himself And Is Being Honest:  Let’s face it. The separation probably isn’t a whole lot of fun for either of you.  It’s very difficult to suddenly live somewhere else, apart from your children and your spouse.  It’s a lonely,  scary and odd time. I will admit that some people enjoy the sense of freedom and adventure, but many do not.  And as a result, it’s just normal that he’s going to unload these negative feelings onto you because you are a part of them.  He may not even be trying to get a reaction or sympathy, he may just be sharing this with you because you are the closest person to this situation.

How To Handle This:  Despite what I’ve said above, I do know that this situation is difficult, frustrating, and a bit unfair.  So, you would be well within your rights to bring it up and to try to resolve it.  The next time your husband tries to make you feel guilty, you might respond with something like: “I hear what you are saying and I feel that way too.  Without any doubt, this is a difficult time for both of us.  But I think that it’s more productive for us to try to figure out a way to fix this than for us to assign any blame or to complain about how bad things are.  Why don’t we try to talk about ways that we can fix this or at least make it more bearable?”

You’ll notice that I never brought up the fact that he’s out of line to try to elicit guilt when he’s the one who initiated the separation in the first place.  Although this may be true, it doesn’t do anything to solve your problem and, if anything, it just creates more conflict. Instead, I focused on what I think is your best bet – which is working together to find a solution so that neither of you has anything to feel guilty about.

I will admit to trying to make my husband feel guilty while we were separated since he was the one who wanted it.  This did nothing to solve our problems.  In fact, it only made things worse.  It wasn’t until I stopped trying to elicit negative feelings that I began to gain some ground.  If it helps you can read about my marriage saving process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are considering using reverse psychology in order to lure their husband home from a trial separation. Often, they have worn their feelings on their sleeve. Perhaps they were upfront with how much they missed their husband or they have begged him to come home with no success at all. So, they are flirting with the idea of completely changing their strategy and their attitude. Many consider pretending that they no longer care what happens in the hopes that this will make him want to come back.

A wife might describe this situation: “my husband moved out about eight weeks ago. At first, things seemed OK. We saw one another about once a week and we didn’t really fight or argue. So I had hopes that as long as things continued to improve, he would eventually move back home. When that didn’t happen, I was very honest with him. I told him how much I missed him and how difficult life was without him. I told him how much my children were struggling because of the separation. And something about my words set him off, because, from that point forward, things began to deteriorate. Our meetings were no longer as regular. He began to dodge my calls. Needless to say, the more he pushed me away, the more I wanted some response from him. So I pushed harder for any response. And now I regret it because things have gotten bad between us. Things are worse than they were when we first separated. So I’m considering leaving him alone and acting like I don’t care at all. I’m thinking that this might shock him into wanting me or into coming back. Is there any chance that this would work?” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

I know first hand that changing strategies can work. The above situation was very similar to my own when my husband and I separated. And I did change strategies with so much success that my husband eventually came around to my way of thinking and we reconciled. However, with that said, I didn’t take things as far as this wife intended to. I will tell you why below.

Why I Think That Pretending Not To Care Is Taking It Too Far: My biggest problem with this strategy is that it often just isn’t believable for many reasons. First, very few people can pull it off. It’s hard to make him believe that the woman who couldn’t live without him a very short time ago is suddenly so indifferent that she could now care less. So his first instinct when you attempt this may be to suspect that this is a trick.

Another thing to consider is that if you truly want to save your marriage so that you are happy and secure for the long haul, do you really want for your husband to think that you don’t are or are indifferent about this outcome?

Why There’s A Big Difference Between Backing Off And Complete Indifference: I will admit that I left my hometown for a while when things looked dire with my marriage and separation. I did this because I knew that if I didn’t, I was only going to continue to pressure my husband or make a pest of myself. And experience had told me that this only made things worse between us. So I left in order to force myself to back off for a while. Because I knew that if I didn’t, we might end up divorced.

But, I told my husband where I was going and made it clear that I thought it would do me good to spend some time with family and friends. Never did I say or even insinuate that I no longer cared what happened between us. Never did I give him the impression that I’d given up. But I believe that it was clear that I was backing off for a while and giving pause so that things could calm down.  I think it was probably clear that I didn’t know how things were going to turn out, but that I was trying to make the best of things.

However, my husband was well aware that I still cared about him and our marriage even if that wasn’t going to be my immediate focus while I was away. So yes, I took a break. But the difference between my strategy and the one outlined above is that I made no attempt to make him believe that I no longer cared. We both knew that I did.

Admittedly, I didn’t share with him the absolute desperation and despair I felt as I was at the airport. I began to hold back and I no longer shared every time I missed him.  I even stopped calling. So yes, I did change strategies and I no longer was so obvious about my feelings.

But I never tried to convince my husband that I no longer cared. He would never have believed it and I wouldn’t have wanted to project this anyway. I always made it clear that my preference would have been us remaining married. But later in the process, I did take a more laid back attitude about the whole thing. And when I noticed that my backing off improved things and increased my husband’s interest in me, then I used that to my full advantage.

Backing Off Can Sometimes Help. But Indifference Might Make Things Worse: This is only my opinion of course. But I think that backing off and allowing him to reach out to you can actually help quite dramatically. It can nudge him toward coming home if you play it correctly.

However, I think that there’s a fine line between this strategy and taking it too far. I believe that feigning indifference is crossing the line and I rarely see that sort of dramatic about face actually work. In fact, I’ve seen it hurt the situation more times than I have seen it help.

I know that I’m asking you to walk a fine line, but you can often tell if you’re just short of crossing the line by his response. If he’s suddenly interested, keep doing what you are doing without risking too much.  If if helps, you’re welcome to see how this played out with me on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are crushed that their husband will not agree to a reconciliation.  Sometimes, they are separated.  And other times, they are just living separate lives within the same house.  Often, the wives aren’t sure how to best address this, especially when the two seem so far apart, with no middle ground in sight.

A wife might explain: “my husband and I are technically separated but we are still living together because we can’t afford for either of us to get our own place.  We had been fighting constantly over stress from my ill mother.  I am pretty much her primary caregiver.  Since we’ve been separated, my husband has been staying in a guest bedroom. We have been getting along OK.  In fact, sometimes we go out and end up kissing or cuddling.  Then I get my hopes up.  I feel like we continue to get closer and that our marriage continues to improve.  But when I tell my husband this, he interrupts me and says, very directly, that he is not ready to reconcile.  Every time this happens, it feels like a slap in the face.  And I start to worry that maybe he will never want to reconcile with me and that he’s only still living with me because of finances.  How am I supposed to handle this?  What is the best way to react when I ultimately want to find a way to stay married?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

I understand where this wife was coming from. I know how it feels to want nothing more than for him to take you in his arms and ask to start again.  But I also know that sometimes, the harder you obviously push him, the harder he will resist you. And your goal drifts further and further away while you feel helpless.  After experiencing and watching this process for some time, I’ve come to believe that there is a right way and a wrong way to handle this.  That’s not to say that you will never have success with the wrong way and will always have success with the right way.  But I believe that one way has a much higher chance of success, which I’ll outline below.

Place Your Focus On Continued Improvement Rather Than Demanding A Decision That Might Change Anyway:

Here is what you have to remember. Just because he does not want to reconcile today doesn’t mean that he will never want to.  And just because he’s reluctant today, this doesn’t mean that if you keep on making improvements, he will not change his mind.

Always remember that things can and do change.  Because there is a real risk in getting discouraged and then putting more and more pressure on your husband. I know that it’s very tempting to ask questions like: “well, when will you be ready to reconcile then?  I need a time frame.”  Or “well, what’s holding you back because you’re being unreasonable.”  You may even be somewhat justified in asking these questions.

But pressuring him will often cause him to retreat.  He will sometimes back off of the relationship. And all of that dating and cuddling you have been doing might come to an end.  Aren’t you better off just appreciating the progress that you are seeing? Isn’t it better to have confidence that you can build on this enough so that you will eventually reconcile?  Experience tells me that the answer is yes.  And I also feel that there is much less risk and downside to this positive strategy.

The Optimal Reaction When He Isn’t Ready To Reconcile:

As I alluded to before, I don’t think that you should repeatedly ask him when he’s going to be ready to pick up where you left off.  However, if you have this conversation again (or you chose to bring it up,) then you might want to say something like: “well, I’m sure that you know that I’m disappointed.  I very much want to reconcile because I still love you and I think that our marriage can be improved enough that we are both happy.  With that said, I’m very encouraged and happy about how we’ve been getting along and, for now, that’s enough for me.  I just want for us to keep improving and to keep getting closer.  I’m confident that one day, the time will be right for us, but until then, I want to just continue having fun with you.”

Notice that this speech attempted to keep things hopeful while still being honest.  No pressure was applied.  Instead, the whole theme was to set the stage for the future.  Because the truth is, there were a lot of reasons to be hopeful here.  Things were improving a little bit each day.  There were having fun together and that had been lacking in their marriage.  So while the wife was certainly disappointed that her husband didn’t want to reconcile right this second, I felt strongly that she should place her focus on continuing to improve the situation and not dwell on pressuring for a reconciliation.  Because frankly, if things kept improving, the reconciliation might just take care of itself.

Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.  I pushed so hard for a reconciliation that I pushed my husband further and further away from me.  This almost cost me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I drastically pulled back that I began to gain some ground and we eventually saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are dealing with husbands who are trying to keep their distance during a marital or trial separation. Often, the wife very much wants to be in regular contact. Sometimes, she is trying to improve the relationship or to save the marriage. But other times, she is just trying to make sure that her husband is OK, the same as she would for anyone who she cared about. But some husbands just do not see things this way and they resist contact.

A wife might explain: “I didn’t expect to talk to or see my husband every day while we were separated, but I did expect to be in touch. However, it was clear early on that my husband didn’t want to be in contact with me. If I called him, he would try to get off the phone as soon as possible or make up some lame excuse as to why he needed to do something else. If I dropped by, he would stick his head out the door but not invite me in and he would say that it was a bad time. The other day I got angry and I asked him why he wouldn’t even spend any time with me. He finally answered that he really wants his privacy from while we are separated. He says that I am always trying to figure out what he is doing and he doesn’t like having to answer all of my questions. He doesn’t want to be accountable to me. Where does this leave me? I don’t need to be in contact with him every minute of every day, but it feels like he wants to completely exclude me from his life. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want me to know that he’s seeing someone else. But if this was the case, why go for the separation? Why not just divorce me?” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Try To Look At This Practically Rather Than Emotionally:

I know that this hurts. Believe me when I say that I absolutely know how you feel. My husband and I were separated for much longer than I wanted. And he gave me much less of his time and attention than I would have liked. That said, as much as I know how this feels, I also know this. Much of the time, the more you try to convince your husband that he doesn’t need his privacy, the more he is going to want it. And he may just demand it or give you no choice but to give it to him. What I mean by that is that he may change his phone number, block your phone, or no longer answer the door when you come by. And all of these things will deteriorate your marriage (and your chances for a reconciliation) even further.

I know that you are probably desperately looking for something that you can do or say to change his distancing himself from you. But you need to know that you often won’t be able to force your way to success. This is usually a decision that he will need to make on his own. And if you try to manipulate him, he will often resist you even more. So as tempting as it is to keep pushing, it’s my experience that you shouldn’t. In fact, once I was forced to stop pushing and pressuring my husband, my situation changed (for the better) as a result.

Know That Two Can Play This Game:

I want to preface what I am about to tell you by saying that no matter what strategy you decide to take here, you want to make sure that you can carry it off genuinely and that you are not going to take it so far that it does more harm than good.

I have found that in many cases, your best bet is to not argue this point. Does he want privacy? Fine, you are able to give him that. But conceding privacy followed up by negative emotions or behaviors isn’t going to do you much good. Instead, ask yourself how you can turn this situation around so that it actually works to your benefit.

What if you agreed with him in such a way that it might actually turn the tide? I know that you may be skeptical of what I am about to say, but I have found it to work a good deal of the time. When you tell him that not only do you understand his need for privacy, but you can see where that might be necessary for both of you, suddenly you might find him wondering why you have had a chance of heart.

And then, once you stop calling or coming by, he may just wonder what is behind this. You may just find him calling you. And when he does, it is so important that you conduct yourself correctly. This is what I mean when I say that you shouldn’t take it too far. Some wives will want their husband to think they are seeing other men or they will make their husband feel rejected. Or they will tell him that they will drop the whole privacy thing if he will. In my view and experience, this is taking it too far and shows your hand.

Instead, you are better off remaining positive and friendly. You want him to want to spend more time with you to find out more about what is going on with your life. But if you are argumentative, he might not think that the effort is worth it. Instead, remain open and upbeat. And if he asks, tell him that you are coping as best as you can while trying to make the separation somewhat bearable.

Once he starts calling or reaching out to you, then the privacy issue has almost resolved itself without your needing to argue or even debate about it, which is honestly the best that you can hope for.  And even better, it opens the door to your saving your marriage.

As I alluded to, my husband did not want much to do with me during our separation.  And at first, I did everything I just told you not to do.  This hurt my chances of reconciliation more than I can express.  But, as soon as I backed off, I saw very different behaviors from my husband.  Suddenly, he was interested in me again.  And eventually, I used this to my full advantage to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are truly confused as to why their spouse suddenly wants or has filed for a divorce. And often, when they confront their spouse or ask for reasons behind this turn of events, they will either get vague answers or their spouse will refuse to give a decent response at all.

Someone might say: “I was totally blindsided when a process server came to my work and served me with divorce papers. I rushed home from work because my husband works from home. Well, as soon as I got there, I found a locked door. My husband clearly knew that I was getting served at work and he took that opportunity to leave and move out so that he wouldn’t have to face me. So, I began calling him. For a while, he wouldn’t pick up. But I caught him off guard I guess because when he picked up his phone, I could tell that he was expecting someone else. I immediately asked him what was going on. He answered that it should be obvious. I told him that I understood he wanted a divorce but I didn’t understand why. I mean, our marriage isn’t perfect by any means. But I had no idea there was this large of a problem. He said he wasn’t going to say why because there wasn’t any specific thing. What in the world is this supposed to mean? Why would you throw your marriage away without any reason at all? Why won’t he tell me why he is doing this?”

There are many reasons that you will get very vague answers from a husband or even no answer at all. I will go over some of these reasons, as well as offer suggestions on how to handle this, in the following article.

He May Not Be Able To Put His Finger On A Reason That Is Going To Satisfy You, So He’d Rather Not Even Try:

Your husband is probably fully aware that you deserve a very specific and meaningful explanation. But sometimes, he just doesn’t have an answer that he knows is going to be good enough. Sometimes, all he knows is that he has become unhappy and he doesn’t know how to fix things. So he believes that the most fair thing to do is to move on without leading you on or taking you on a journey that may not resolve things.

Many men know that the second they try to explain just a general sense of unhappiness, you are going to try to poke holes in their reasoning. They can often imagine you saying things like “so, you’re leaving me because of some fleeting sense of unhappiness that probably has nothing to do with our marriage? How selfish can you be? I’m not always happy either but I’m not going to throw our marriage away.”

Your husband probably knows that there isn’t any decent answer for this argument, so he would rather not have the conversation at all.  And so he says nothing.

He Knows That You Are Going To Try To Use Any Reasoning That He Gives You To Either Change His Mind Or To Make Him Look Like The Bad Guy:

Many men are quite aware that their reasons for wanting a divorce are selfish or not adequate. Many don’t like the responsibility of being married. Or they believe that their lives will be better, or more carefree, without a wife. But, they know that as soon as they tell you this, you will point out what type of immature behavior they are displaying.

Others just don’t believe that the marriage can be adequately changed.  They may well still love their wives, but they don’t see any way to restore the marriage.  And, they know that you aren’t likely to accept this or that you may strongly disagree. They know that if they put up an argument that you think that you can successfully debate, then you won’t hesitate to do just that. But sometimes they just aren’t ready to have that conversation so they chose to keep their thought process to themselves.

How To Handle This Situation:

I find that often the more you push him for an explanation for his filing for the divorce, the more likely he is to keep it to himself. You really don’t want to get in a situation where you’re throwing every possible scenario at him and asking him to confirm or deny it. This is likely to frustrate him even more so that he eventually denies access to himself. This is the last thing that you want. Because if you have any chance of saving your marriage, you will need to at least be able to talk with him eventually. So don’t do or say anything that is going to jeopardize this.

The first suggestion that I would give is not to panic. I know that this is a tall order. But the more that you ramp up the drama, the less your husband is going to want to interact with you. So it’s to your benefit to remain calm. When you find him resisting your questions, back off and know that the reasons probably will become clear soon enough.

I know that it is hard to accept, but your real goal right now should be to maintain some sort of relationship with your husband. You want frequent access to him and you don’t want to do anything that might jeopardize your ability to be in contact so that you might eventually improve things between you.

So to answer the question posed, there are many reasons that he may not be outlining the reasoning behind him wanting a divorce. Often, you can’t force him to give you an answer that he may not have or doesn’t want to give. Your best bet is to back off, try to improve things between you, and know that the answer will come in time. In the meantime, you have bigger things to worry about, like maintaining a cordial relationship so that eventually, you can begin to rebuild your relationship so that ultimately, the divorce won’t actually happen.

My husband was very vague on why he wanted to separate.  I fixated on getting him to tell me for far too long and this nearly cost me my marriage.  It wasn’t until I figured out that his reasoning was less important than fixing the problem that things began to improve.  Once I changed my focus, I was able to save my marriage.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are hoping to manipulate their husband’s feelings after he has left them or initiated a separation. They are hoping that they can make him miss or long for them. The hope is that he will regret leaving and will want to come home. The idea is to get him to see what he is missing so that he values it more.

One might explain: “my husband left me about three and a half weeks ago. I suspected that he was unhappy but I never thought that he would actually leave. My friends all say that he is crazy to leave me because frankly, I am too good for him. I’m not sure if this is true, but I consider myself to be attractive and a good partner. Apparently, this isn’t enough for him though. He occasionally calls me but so far he hasn’t asked to see me. I’ve thought about making these conversations count by attempting to make him jealous. I’ve also thought about taking another guy to the bar that I know he frequents. I fantasize about getting all dressed up and looking fabulous so that when I walk in, my husband’s mouth drops open and he sees just what he is missing. My mother says that this isn’t a great idea because it is just attention seeking behavior that is very obvious. She said if he doesn’t know what he’s missing now, there’s not much I can do to get him to realize this. Who is right?”

Actually, I think that both people were right in different ways. This is a very common idea during a separation. The wife usually wants to try various ways to make the husband regret leaving. No one can blame her for doing this. But, you have to be very careful about how you set out to accomplish this. Because if you go overboard, then you just end up looking desperate and manipulative. And instead of making him see what he’s missing so that he wants to come home, he actually feels relief that he’s gone.

Know That He Will Often Think Of You The Most Favorably When He Sees You In A Favorable Situation:

Men are often more perceptive than we give them credit for. They often aren’t dull enough to think that it’s only a coincidence that we show up at a place with another man at the exact same time that he just happens to be there. And even if it was coincidence, it’s probably not going to be your finest hour when your husband sees you carrying on with someone else, even when he is the one who has initiated the separation. Sure, it may make him jealous for the short term, but it only brings drama to an already volatile situation and it isn’t likely to make things so much better so that he wants to come home.

In my opinion, I find that men often actually see their wives favorably during a separation when she is engaging in positive behavior. They might see what they are missing when they hear that you have gone back to school, are seeing old friends, or that you have joined a gym. These are just various examples. You will have to search your own personality to see what sorts of behaviors would make the most sense for you. But the point that I am trying to make is that you will often have much more impact when it looks as if you are being genuine and are not trying too hard.

Mutual Friends Can Often Help You Accomplish This Task In A More Effective Way:

I know that you probably want to take control right now. But if you try to just happen to run into your husband or if you purposefully put on a display, your husband will sometimes have no doubt that the whole thing is staged for his benefit.

You will usually have a much bigger impact if your husband hears about your behavior through a neutral third party. This is most often accomplished by a mutual friend or family member. It’s better that you don’t directly ask someone to do this for you. Instead, you allow them to see the behavior that you want to get back to your husband. And you trust that the conversation will naturally flow that way.

If you don’t think that this is possible, then you can scatter some details into your conversations with your husband. This isn’t as ideal, but it’s still better than trying to act in an obvious and non-genuine way in person. The key here is to act extremely casual and sincere. Wait for him to ask you how you are or what you have been doing before you volunteer a lot of information.

Then, speak briefly and let him be the one to ask questions. Don’t give too much away. Again, you want to sound upbeat and casual. Because your whole goal is to sound very sincere. You don’t want for him to think that you have any motive about what you are disclosing. Instead, you want it to appear that you are offering reassurance that you are coping as best as you can and that you are trying to focus on the positive.

So to answer the question posed, there are some decent ways to allow your husband to see what he is missing. Most of the time, the most effective way is to allow him to see you picking yourself up and dusting yourself off.  You want him to know that you are still your best self. And, you will often have a much more positive impact if you don’t accomplish this in an obvious or negative way. You don’t want for him to feel a negative reaction. You want for him to think of you positively when he comes to this conclusion on his own.

I had to use this strategy in my own marriage during my own separation.  At first, I handled this badly and it was obvious what I was doing.  But once I began to incorporate third parties into my plan, I had much more success.  In fact, eventually, my husband began to pursue me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives aren’t sure what to do with themselves when they are struggling with their feelings during a trial separation. Often, they miss their husband so much that they can think about little else. But they often intuitively know that acting on this is not really in their best interest. They don’t want to seem desperate or out of control. But, they are often not sure how to stay in control when the overwhelming feelings come.

I heard from a wife who said: “we’ve only been separated for two weeks. But already, I’m struggling. I miss my husband more than I can express. Almost every waking thought that I have is about him. I’m having trouble concentrating at work. I constantly want to call or text him. Sometimes, I have to literally sit on my hands. I find myself pacing all of the time. How do I get control of myself when these feelings come? Because I feel as if I am not in control.” I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Sometimes, You Just Have To Force Yourself To Think About Or Do Something Else:

I know how difficult this is. I have been there and I went through some very dark days. I know that sometimes you feel as if you are going to crawl out of your skin. I know that during this time hearing his voice feels like the cure. But I’m sure that you also know that if you show him this, it reads as desperate and that can hurt your chances of saving your marriage.

So it is very important that you don’t give in to temptation and call too much or to come on too strong. It can feel as if you have no control over your urge to call or text, but this isn’t literally true. You have to force yourself not to give in to it until it passes. I found it helpful to force myself to do things that required my undivided attention. I would choose things that required a lot of concentration so that it wasn’t possible for my thoughts to drift. I took very difficult classes at school so that I literally had to put in a lot of time, which left less time for me to dwell on the separation.

I also eventually realized that if I was going to distract myself on a regular basis, that I should choose distractions that enhanced my life and increased my chances of saving my marriage. So I took up exercise. When missing my husband felt overwhelming, I would jog, do yoga, or ride my bike. Sometimes, I would literally be dragging my feet on the way out the door, but once the endorphins would hit me, I began to feel some relief.

Make Sure You’re Not Unintentionally Isolating Yourself:

It’s very normal to not to want to be around people when you are going through this difficult time. You often will just want to be by yourself. You worry that people will ask you about your husband, your marriage, or the separation and then the waterworks are going to start.

So I do understand why it sometimes seems easier to just stay home. But in my experience, this is a mistake. Because when you are isolated, everything feels magnified and you don’t have perspective. But when you are other caring people, your attention is diverted and you feel more supported.

Chose Who You Surround Yourself With Carefully:

Sometimes, good friends can help you to stop living in your own head. That said, you have to chose these friends carefully. You may not want to chose the friend who just got engaged or who can’t stop talking about how happy she is in her new relationship. Nor do you want the bitter friend who has just gone through a divorce and who is going to tell you to just accept that it’s over.

You want friends who are willing to listen when you need it and who are willing to just have fun with you without a lot of discussions. Frankly, when I started going out with my friends again, I suddenly became a lot more interesting to my husband. I think that this is because he saw that I respected myself enough to stop moping around and he also saw that I could be upbeat and sociable again. This vastly improved the way that we related to one another and it was one of the turning points in saving our marriage.

So to answer the question posed, I advocate doing anything that will distract you and lift you up. This is going to be different activities for different people. I know someone who read almost non stop during her separation. When her husband lived with her, she never made time for recreational reading. So she used that time to her advantage and this made the time bearable for her. This wouldn’t work for me because my thoughts were all over this place and I couldn’t concentrate enough to read for recreation.

But I could put one foot in front of the other to run. So you may have to experiment to find what works for you. But don’t give up. Keep moving forward and surround yourself with people, activities, and things that give you comfort and make you feel more positive. Because doing so will often not only make you feel better, it will also not be lost on your husband and it might improve your situation.

I do understand that sometimes you get caught up in an endless loop of negative feelings.  But you have to break the cycle because if you don’t, it’s so easy to get stuck in the negativity and this can hurt your chances of saving your marriage.  Realizing this (and actually acting on it) made all of the difference for me and my marriage.  If it helps, you can read about how I was able to force myself out of my rut during the separation and save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who hope that getting their husband to come home after a separation is almost imminent. The key word is almost. Often, the husband has finally admitted that he is considering returning home, but all the wife hears are words like “maybe” or “thinking about it” and she wants words that signify more certainty. She doesn’t want to think about something that may happen. She wants to think about something that is absolutely going to happen because she misses her husband horribly and she knows that it is time for him to come home.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for about two and a half months. He is the one who wanted to separate. I have never wanted to be apart. Recently, things have gotten a little better between us. I will admit that I have pressured my husband to come home because enough is enough. At first, he told me that the more I pushed him, the more he was going to take his time. But last week, he finally admitted that he had been considering coming home. I asked him when he would come to a final decision and he got frustrated and told me that I was pressuring him again and that he couldn’t give me a set date. All he would say is that if things continued to go well, he could see himself coming home sometime in the future. I want to make sure this happens. I can’t imagine continuing our life this way. I am so tired of living alone. So how can I make sure that this actually happens and that he actually comes home?”

Believe me when I say that I understand feeling this way. I was the wife who used to smell my husband’s unwashed clothes when we were separated because I just wanted some part of him with me. And I wasn’t shy about constantly asking him when he was finally coming home. But in my case, the more I asked, the worst things deteriorated. And I don’t think that my situation is uncommon. I have heard from many who experienced the same thing that I did – that the best way to make sure that a separated husband comes home is to focus on continuing to improve your relationship and to give him an incentive to come home rather than focusing on making him feel pressured so that he will cave in.

Be Very Aware Of What You Are Asking Him To Come Home To:

Often, we go with the strategy that is most in alignment with our emotions. We feel panicked, lonely and desperate, so the most obvious thing to do is to share those feelings with him. But guess what? He doesn’t want to feel (or hear about) those negative feelings. He wants to feel elevated with you. He wants to feel happier, and move alive when he is with you. He wants to feel like being with you is actually some sort of escape.

Contrast this with a woman who is intent on pressuring him so much that he finally caves in and comes home because he just doesn’t want to hear any more nagging. Which husband do you think is going to be more excited to come home? The husband who has watched his marriage improve and enjoyed a new spark in his relationship? Or the husband who saw some improvement until his wife could think of nothing else other than getting her way and getting him home?

Frankly, the husband who is being pressured is going to wonder if his wife is only on her best behavior as a way to lure him back. In other words, all of that wonderful progress that you’ve made in your marriage is now at risk of being questioned and doubted. To me, it is just not worth the risk. I know you want him home, but pushing him too fast can put all of the progress that you have worked so hard for at risk.

Give Him More Of What He’s Already Told You He Wants:

So think about it for a second. He’s already told you that he wants for things to continue to go well. He’s already clued you in that he likes the new dynamic between you. So you already know what is working.

And you already know that he loses patience and gets frustrated when you try to pressure him. So this is what you want to do much less of (or even stop altogether if you can manage it.)

To be honest, your husband has almost given you a road map to get him back home. He’s said that if things continue to go well, that is what is going to happen. So your job is to make absolutely sure that things continue to go well. Now, having said that, you don’t want to go overboard and to appear that you aren’t being genuine. Make sure that things feel very natural.

To answer the question posed, although you shouldn’t ever try to “make” or “force” your husband come home, you’re doing what you know is already working is the best way to ensure that you continue to progress so much that he genuinely, willingly wants to come home.

As I’ve alluded to, it wasn’t until I turned down the pressure that I began to make progress with my husband.  In fact, I turned off the pressure so much that he eventually pursued me.  This greatly changed the dynamic of our relationship and helped us save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many people are very hurt and confused when they are on a trial separation from their spouse. Often, they were promised that things in their marriage weren’t really going to change all that dramatically. Often, they are told that they will see and interact with their spouse all of the time. Some even fantasize that they will miss one another so that things will actually improve so that the separation actually helps their marriage. When this turns out not to be the case, it can hurt. But it’s even worse when you throw sex into the mix.

Someone might have this situation: “I knew that I wouldn’t see my husband every day while we were on a trial separation, but I expected to see him regularly. And he assured me that we could date one another and work on our marriage. Well, we have gone on a few dates but we only see each other sporadically. The other day, we had a nice evening and I wanted to spend the night at my husband’s place. But when I tried to initiate sex, he turned me away. He said that he doesn’t think that we should be intimate during the separation because it would only confuse things. I thought that this was silly and I did what I always do to get him in the mood but he pretty much rejected me and sent me home. I am devastated by this. And I can’t help but wonder if he won’t sleep with me because he is distancing himself since he plans to make the separation permanent or to file for divorce. I can’t help but wonder if I haven’t slept with him for the last time. My friends say that I’m being overly dramatic and that maybe he just wants some space. Who is right? Why would a man not want sex during the trial separation? Because I don’t know many men who would turn down sex.”

There are a few reasons that a separated man might not want to have sex with his wife. And not all of them are negative. I will discuss some of the more positive possibilities, and how to handle them, below.

Sometimes, He Really Is Trying To Sort Out Of His Feelings And He Doesn’t Want To Confuse Things By Being Intimate:

People often have an assumption that a man can have sex regardless of what is going on in his relationship or in his marriage. Many men strongly disagree with this and will tell you that the emotional component and the health of the relationship actually matters very much.

So while he may still love you (and while he may actually want to have sex with you,) he may think that it’s unfair and unwise to confuse things by adding sex to the mix. I actually think that this is pretty admirable, even though I know from experience how frustrating it is.

He May Be Posturing Or Trying To See How You Will React:

I think that this possibility is less likely, but I feel like I should mention it anyway. Sometimes, you will see a husband initially take the “no sex” stance but then you will see him changing his mind later because his purpose, in the beginning, was just to determine how you felt about this topic or to gain the upper hand. Because if it appears that you want to have sex and he doesn’t, then you are in the position of the pursuer. This can make him feel as if he has a strategic advantage.

How To Handle This Situation:

I know first hand that it is very tempting to try and wear him down. The inclination is to focus your efforts on seduction because you know what he likes and you know what he cannot resist. However, this can backfire on you if he doesn’t give in and you feel majorly rejected. And, it further shifts the power.

It’s basic psychology that when someone can’t have something, then they usually just want it more. So from my own experience, I think it’s wise to consider appearing to agree with him. You might tell him that you have been thinking about it and you’ve decided that he’s right. In fact, you agree with him so much that you don’t think that the two of you should have sex until you make a decision about your marriage and the separation. (This gives him an incentive to make the decision that you are hoping for more quickly.)

Then you make good on what you have said and you wait. You can still date and flirt and then see what happens. If you husband withheld the sex because he was distancing himself, then that will become arrant regardless of which strategy you use. But this strategy where you appear to agree gives you the best chance of success no matter what is the reason behind his actions. Because how can he argue with your agreeing with him? But you have also put yourself in a position where he is ultimately more likely to pursue you. And I have found that to be the best case scenario during a separation.

I know first hand that this can work.  When my husband and I first separated, I pursued him to the point where it became embarrassing because I was always getting rejected.  But once I appeared to agree with him and I backed off, he eventually pursued me.  This changed the entire dynamic and allowed us to save our marriage.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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