Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  Many people who are especially frustrated and confused during their marital separation.  Of course, all separations are confusing and frustrating.  But, this becomes especially true when your spouse keeps changing their mind about the future of your marriage or about their feelings for you.

Someone might explain: “my husband moved out and called it a marital separation when we could no longer stand to be in the same room together.  We were fighting all of the time and neither of us liked the other very much. My husband indicated that he planned to file for divorce in about six months after the separation. However, after we’d been separated for a couple of months, my son had a crisis with his health.  My husband and I ended up spending countless hours together because of this.  We were worried about my son so we pulled together and became closer as a result.  After this, my husband said he’d changed his mind and didn’t want a divorce after all.  I was relieved about this because I didn’t really want to end my marriage and raise my children mostly myself.  The problem is now that every time we argue or things get rocky, he threatens divorce again.  He still hasn’t moved back home, so I never know what our future holds.  One day he thinks we’ll make it and then a couple of days later when we fight, the divorce is on the table again.  Some days, I just feel like telling him that he might as well go ahead with the divorce because I’m sick of living in limbo while he constantly changes his mind.  What can I do?”

This is a difficult situation because it can begin to feel like you are at the mercy of someone else’s feelings (which at this time are swinging like a pendulum.)  But, there are some things that you can try in order to feel more in control and to try to improve the situation and give it more stability.  I will discuss this more below.

Try To Agree To Take Divorce Off Of The Table Until You Truly Try To Deal With Your Marital Issues:  This couple had gone through a great deal of stress in a very short amount of time.  A separation is stressful all by itself.  But, add a sick child to the mix and the situation is doubly as bad.  It’s no wonder that this couple had no time to try to identify, sort through, and then work out their problems.  They were so focused on their son, which was completely understandable and undoubtedly the right thing to do.

Since their marriage hadn’t had any time to recover, the wife might have suggested taking divorce off of the table until they gave it a fair chance.  When things were going well she might say something like: “I feel relieved when things are going well between us.  Because when you tell me that you’re back to wanting a divorce it scares and frustrates me.  We really haven’t had the chance to work through our problems so making decisions about our marriage until we have the chance to do that isn’t fair to our family.  Can we agree to not make any decisions about a divorce until we’ve had time to work through our issues?  How about we agree to meet once a week to talk about this and then reevaluate in six months?  This way, we will know that we have had enough time to make the right decision and we will know that we’ve done all that we could.”  At this point, you could also suggest counseling.  If your spouse is resistant to that, you should at least find some self help resources that can help walk you through improving your marriage.

The truth is that until you address and begin to work past your problems, there’s a real risk that your husband will continue to change his mind because the state of your relationship just isn’t stable or clear. But once you find that you have hit a stable pattern, you will hopefully find that he’s no longer changing his mind since the situation isn’t constantly in flux.  He won’t need to because things are stable and he has come to know what to expect.

I’d like to make one final point.  The fact that this husband hadn’t yet made an effort to come home was probably a pretty good indication that he still had some doubts, no matter what he was claiming at the time. Frankly, though, him coming home before he was sure about the marriage wasn’t a great idea either.  It’s better to wait until things are truly stable and truly good, or at least looking much better.  Because if a man leaves twice, the chances deteriorate that he is going to come back a second or even third time.  But if you can solve your issues for good while you are separated then you have a much better chance of him not needing to ever leave again because this just isn’t necessary.

I know that him constantly changing his mind is hurtful and frustrating.  But it only tells you that you have more work to do.  And he hasn’t filed yet, so it’s time to get started.  I can honestly say that I wish my husband had shown any doubt about a divorce during our separation.  He was sure he wanted one and I had to try many strategies until I finally found one that saved our marriage.   If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people worry about etiquette during a trial or marital separation.  They often aren’t sure who (or what) to tell about their situation.  They often aren’t sure how to act around their spouse and around others.  And, sometimes, they aren’t sure how to properly define their relationship to others, especially to strangers who don’t know the couple very well.

Someone might explain: “my husband and I have been separated for the entire summer.  Our marriage was struggling and we both agreed that we should take some time for ourselves. The hope has always been that we would eventually get back together and that he would move back home to be with me and our two kids.  Things are going reasonably well.  But sometimes awkward occasions make me hate the separation. Like the other night, we were at an orientation for my son’s new school.  I was talking to his new teacher when my husband walked up to us.  I wasn’t sure how to introduce my husband.  So I just excused myself.  This has happened before at a social gatherings.  I usually just try to avoid introductions but it’s not always possible.  So what am I supposed to call my husband while we are on a trial separation?  What’s the right way to handle this?”

I Think That The Best Plan Is The One That Makes You Both The Most Comfortable: I’m not sure that there is any official or correct way to handle this.  I think that whatever feels comfortable to you both is the right way to go.  Because quite honestly, it is no one else’s business what is going on in your marriage.  When my husband and I were separated, I still called him (and introduced him) as my husband.  Because in my mind, he still was.  We were not yet divorced (although that was a distinct future possibility at that time.)  If a divorce had been final, then of course I would have called him my ex husband but thankfully that was never the case.  My close friends and family knew about the separation, but I didn’t feel that anyone else needed to know.

I know that some people will say “my separated husband,” and if this is what you have agreed to and you both are fine with this, then that’s your call.  But to me, unless anyone has explicitly asked you if you’re separated, why would you need to volunteer that information, especially if you are still hopeful about your marriage?  I think that doing so is probably only adding more uncertainty to an awkward situation.

When Children Are Involved, You Can Introduce Your Spouse As The Child’s Parent: In the above scenario, the children of this couple were close by.  I think the best call (if she didn’t want to call him her husband) would have been to just introduce him as her son’s father. For example, if her husband’s name were John and her son’s name were William, she could say, “Mrs. Jones, this is William’s father, John.”  That way, your marital status hasn’t come up or become an issue and you haven’t made anyone uncomfortable.

Sometimes, This Issue Means More To You Than To Others: People often ask me if this isn’t just creating future confusion.  They will ask what happens if you end up divorced in six months?  Wouldn’t people want to know why you were still introducing this person as your husband while you were separated and potentially heading for divorce?”  I think that this is probably reading too much into it.  I believe that most people would understand that you were still hopeful that your marriage could be saved.  And hopefully, they will be more concerned with your well being than about how you previously made introductions.  In short, most people aren’t worrying about this as much as you are.  And, this is only my opinion, but I think that whatever makes the both of you the most comfortable is fine.   It’s really about the two of you and no one else.

There were people who were pretty nosy during my own separation.  But most of the time, no one cared nearly as much as I did.  But it took me a while to realize this and to just focus on my husband and myself without worrying about what others thought.  If it helps, you can read about how I changed my outlook in order to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many women are faced with the reality that they are participating in a divorce that they don’t want. Usually, things had deteriorated dramatically with their marriage. Eventually, the husband filed for divorce out of anger. The wife can feel as if she has no choice but to go along with it, unless she wants to be the only one who still appears to care. Sometimes though, once the reality of the situation sets in and the emotions calm down, you can realize that you are in the process of divorcing someone who you still love.

A wife might say: “my husband and I had been separated for five months when he filed for divorce. He was well aware that I thought we were making progress and that I wanted to keep trying to work on our marriage. To this day, I still don’t know what possessed him to file. But after I was served those papers, I was furious. I called him and asked him what in the world he was doing. The conversation did not go well. Eventually, my anger drove me to get my own attorney. So now, four weeks later, here I am in the midst of a divorce. Lately, I have come to the conclusion that I do not want this divorce because I still love my husband. But things between us have deteriorated so horribly that I feel like it’s too late to back out. And I’m scared to tell my husband how I feel because I suspect that I will be rejected. What should I do?”

Below are some insights and suggestions to think about.

Know That Dramatic Revelations Come With Risk. But Divorce Is Dramatic Also: I realize that the idea of trying to stop something that has already started can make you feel very vulnerable and afraid. And, there is some risk here. But, getting divorced is the biggest risk of all and it already appears that you might be headed that way. I believe that there’s a way that you can try to improve your relationship without taking on so much risk. I will discuss that now.

Don’t Try To Change Too Much Too Soon. Just Try To Improve Your Immediate Interactions With Your Husband: Let’s break this down to very basic levels. You don’t know what the future is going to hold. You can’t be sure about the reality of a divorce, but you have to concede that the circumstances are heading that way. And if things continue on in this way, your most basic relationship with your husband could continue to deteriorate as well. So rather than allow that to happen, you can often begin by trying to preserve a cordial relationship.

And most husbands will be open to this since no one wants a nasty divorce if they can help it. So you might approach him with something like: “I feel as if this whole divorce thing is getting out of hand. I’m not trying to deny reality. But at the rate things are going, we’re no longer going to be speaking at the end of this and that makes me very sad. My relationship with you has been so important to me for so long, I don’t want to let it deteriorate down to nothing. Can we just make an effort to get along with one another? I don’t want to lose the friendship that we have. I don’t want for this process to make us hate one another. I’m committed to changing the way that I interact with you. I hope that this will improve things between us because you are too important to me to continue on as we are.”

Some men will have some suspicions about your motivations, but hopefully, once he sees that you are sincere and not trying to trick him, then hopefully he will come around. Know that this is a gradual process. This isn’t going to change your situation overnight. And if you think that your husband is having second thoughts about the divorce and if you feel confident that you wouldn’t be rejected, then you may feel comfortable moving more quickly than this.

But, that was not the case here. By all appearances, the husband was comfortable with the divorce. So the wife was going to have to make gradual improvements and see how he reacted while she continued on with the appropriate pace.  This is a process where you have to move forward as you are able to because you have to evaluate his reactions to see what is working and what is not.

And while you don’t have complete control over what tomorrow brings, if you still love this man, then it makes sense to try to improve your relationship and see what happens from there.

Many couples (myself included) are able to rescue their marriage from the brink of divorce. Some even remarry after a divorce. So the idea that your relationship is over just because someone has filed doesn’t always turn out to be true. And, at the very least, you will know that you did what you could and you will have made the effort to maintain a relationship that is very important to you. If you want to be read about how I used this strategy myself, you can visit my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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by: Leslie Cane: Many people are doing everything within their power in order to get their spouse to reconcile with them or to return back home after a marital separation. Often, their spouses do not openly refuse them. Instead, they are sometimes honest about the fact that they are either hesitant or unsure. This can be especially frustrating because you feel as if you are so close to reaching your goal, but that it is just outside of your reach.

A wife might have this scenario: “my husband moved out a couple of months ago because he has been unhappy in our marriage. I will admit that most of it is all my fault. I haven’t been the best wife to him. I have put my needs ahead of his own and I have done things behind his back that seemed harmless at the time but that has both hurt him deeply and have eroded the trust between us. While he was away, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and as a result, the relationship with my husband has improved. I am so grateful for this. We can now have a conversation without arguing and we have started to laugh together again, which is wonderful. However, the other day, I asked my husband if he would consider coming home so that we could work on reconciling. My husband was silent for a long time before he finally said that he was hesitant to reconcile right now because he still had some doubts. He said that he likes the way that things are going between us but he’s just not ready to make any promises to me right now. This hurts very much. I am sincere and I have changed. Why isn’t that good enough? I know that he loves me and I know that we’re good together. So what can I do to get him to reconcile with me?”

There is plenty that this wife could do to build upon the very positive foundation that was forming. But I felt very strongly that pushing too hard for a reconciliation when her husband was showing resistance was a potentially huge mistake. I believe that there’s a better (and less risky) way to go about this. I will discuss this more below.

Why Ruin The Positive Momentum You’ve Built By Pushing For Too Much Too Soon? I understood why this wife felt frustrated. I know from experience how much it hurts when you feel as if your husband is just days away from being yours again but you can’t seem to convince him to make that leap of faith. But, what you have to understand is that if you push too hard, you may just negate all of that wonderful progress that you have made. Clearly, this husband agreed that there was real progress. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be going out of his way to see his wife so much and he wouldn’t be reaching out to her in the way that he had been.

So, there was a lot to be encouraged about here. Which is why I believe that it’s vital that you don’t allow your impatience to drive you into pushing him too hard. Because if a reconciliation becomes more important to you than continuing to improve and build upon your relationship with him, then he may think that you care more about the status of your relationship than about the quality of it. And as a result, he may shut down, back off, or limit his access to you, which are the last things that you should want.

You Can Still Set It Up So That A Reconciliation Is More Likely Without Pushing For It: Nothing said that this wife couldn’t pick up exactly where she left off. Things were going well for this couple. So my suggestion would be a response like: “well, I’m a little disappointed because I miss you so much, but I understand. Things are going well between us and I don’t want to change that. I’m enjoying myself too much. So why don’t we just continue on the way that we are and have some more fun?”

It’s important that you seem very sincere in this and you keep things very light. The idea is that you pick right back up without even breaking a stride. Because frankly, if things continue to improve as they have been, the reconciliation will likely take care of itself on its own healthy time frame without your needing to worry about it or to push for it. So, there is no need to jeopardize your progress because you are impatient. I know that you miss your husband and want to him to come home and to be committed. But, know that if you play your cards right, this is going to naturally happen. So there is no need to jeopardize your progress by trying to impose your own time frame. Just continue to act as you have been so that he can see that this change is something that it is safe for him to believe in.

I know all of this because I have been there myself.  I pushed my husband when we were separated and this almost costs me my marriage.  Once I changed my strategy and changed my pace, I finally got the reconciliation that I so desperately wanted.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are somewhat disappointed in their husband’s behavior during the separation. It’s not that their husband is or being rude or disrespectful.  He is often being relatively polite.  But his attitude often feels staged and forced. And, it doesn’t feel as if there are any loving feelings behind it.

She might say: “we have been separated for about five weeks. This happened at my husband’s urging.  He knows that I want to save our marriage.  He knows that I would like to get counseling.  He knows that I want for us to date or to get together regularly.  But he seems to be keeping his distance from me.  Sure, he is cordial.  I do have to admit that.  He is always polite and never says or does mean things.  His distance is more of a vibe that I get. And he’s not even slightly loving toward me.  He is cordial to me like a client or an acquaintance, but he’s not loving to me like I’m his wife. But I don’t know how to get him to act the way that I want him to act.  It’s not as if I can complain about how he’s treating me because he is almost overly polite.  What can I do?”

This is a tricky situation because often, if you begin to question a separated husband’s behaviors or you ask more of him, then he will become defensive or he will withdraw.  As a result, you might see a lot less of him or find that your liberal access to him is now denied.  And if you want to save your marriage, this is a scenario that you really can not afford.

But, you are right that the intimacy with him needs to improve if you want to move forward with your marriage.  This is certainly not impossible, but you need to go about it in a positive way that doesn’t feel like you’re pushing or nagging.  I will discuss how to do this below.

If You Want To Move Past Him Only Being Cordial, It’s Best That You Take The Initiative Rather Than Sounding Critical Or Demanding:  Many of the wives in this situation have a hard time not calling their husband on his behavior.  Understandably, they want it to stop and they figure the quickest way to do this is to bring his attention to it and ask him to do better.

Common comments are things like: “why are you being so formal?  I’m not your acquaintance, I’m your wife.  You act as if I’m almost a stranger that you’re trying to keep at arm’s distance.”  Although this statement might feel accurate (and make you feel a little relief after saying these words,)  It’s usually only going to make your husband defensive or distant.

So, in my opinion and experience, you are better off trying to pull him closer to you by trying to improve the relationship and then eventually breaking through his defensive walls as you can.

Understand That Him Being Polite Is Better Than Him Being Rude.  You Can Work With Polite:  I know that you may feel a little let down right now.  But, you have to keep this in perspective.  I hear from so many wives whose husbands are being very nasty to them during the separation or are giving them no access whatsoever.

Even if your husband is being somewhat distant, he is still being polite.  And this is a slight advantage. Because as long as this cooperation continues, you can build upon it slowly until it improves.  Going from polite to loving and intimate is not all that huge of a leap.  But going from rude and distant to loving most certainly is.  So, try to see this as the advantage that it is.

If You Want Him To Act Differently Toward You, Try To Show Him The Behaviors You Want To See From Him:  Rather than point out what he is doing wrong and how his behavior is disappointing you, know that you’re often better off if you can display the behaviors that you want to see from him.  Begin to act toward him how you would like for him to act toward you. Sometimes, he will mirror you and you will have made progress without nagging.  Or, if you see him doing a little better, make sure you offer a lot of positive reinforcement and tell him that it makes you feel good when the two of you relate to one another on positive but less formal terms.

Above all, take this slowly.  It is so important that it doesn’t appear that you are verbalizing your disappointment or criticizing him.  Because if you do, you may find that he is less than polite the next time and this makes saving your marriage that much more difficult. But if you move slowly and accept smaller gains, he will be much more likely to allow more and more access, which makes this process much easier.

When we were separated, my husband was nice but distant.  It was so frustrating because it felt as if he was just out of my reach all of the time.  It wasn’t until I completely changed strategies and disarmed him somewhat that I saw some progress.  If it helps, you can read that whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, I hear from spouses whose goal is to save their marriage.  And, they are looking for a strategy that is going to help them make that happen.  But occasionally, I hear from a spouse who is considering leaving the marriage and who is either looking for validation or who is looking for someone to offer them some alternatives.

A wife might say: “over the past three years, my marriage has deteriorated rapidly. When my husband and I were first married, we were crazy about one another.  We would go on impromptu trips on a whim.  We would try new restaurants on a weekly basis.  Our lives were exciting and we were deeply in love.  But since our children were born, things have changed.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love our family.  But the spark has gone out of my marriage and this makes me very unhappy.  My husband seems content to just coexist.  When I tell him that I’m not happy about how things have changed, he tells me that my expectations are unrealistic and that things will return to the way they are once our kids are older.  He says he doesn’t expect fireworks between us every night, but he loves me and that’s enough for him.  This is not what I want to hear.  I want more out of my life than just having dinner after a 9 to 5 job.  And I’m starting to think that I would be willing to leave my husband to get it.  But I don’t want to uproot my children and separate them from their father.  What can I do?  I’m just not happy.”

This correspondence struck a chord with me.  I was on the other side of this scenario.  My husband was the one who was unhappy with our comfortable marriage and I thought that everything was fine.  The separation was shocking to me because I never thought my husband would take things that far.  And although we did save our marriage eventually, that time period was very painful.  I’ve often wished that my husband had approached me very bluntly and had given me a chance to change things before he pushed for a separation.

This wife was attempting to do just that.  Her husband was resistant.  But here is something that neither were really considering.  Nothing says that they couldn’t both make some changes so that each could once again be happy.  I’ve learned that only coexisting isn’t healthy for your marriage, even if you are settled and have children.  Everyone has the right to live their best and happiest life.  But I know first hand that it is possible to do this and to still remain married.  I will discuss this more below.

Understand How Serious Of An Issue This Truly Is: As a spouse who has been in this husband’s position, I strongly suspected that he had been resistant to change because the wife’s assertions were hurtful to him so that he felt defensive.  No wants to hear that your marriage is no longer rocking your spouse’s world.  Or that your spouse is so unhappy that they are getting restless.  So it’s natural to try to make them think that they are asking too much of you or of the marriage.

But I can tell you from experience that at the time, what you don’t understand is that your spouse might not be content with your response.  Their unhappiness might begin to eat away at them until they feel compelled to make some change which might include a break, a separation, or a divorce.  So it’s very important that both spouses take this seriously.

To that end, I felt that it would be helpful for the wife to make it very clear how much this was bothering her.  A suggested script might be something like: “I know that you’re saying that you are happy enough with the way things are.  But I think we both deserve more than merely happy enough.  I want to keep our family intact and I want for both of us to be more than merely content.  In fact, I can’t accept any less.  Can we work together to find a way to make us both happy and comfortable?  Because as of right now, only one of us is.”

This lets your spouse know that you are trying to include them in the process and that you truly want to keep your family together, but you’ve also made it clear that you can’t do this at the expense of your own happiness.

Find Ways To Change Your Happiness Level That You Can Both Be Enthusiastic About: It’s important that your spouse feels included in this process.  You don’t want for them to feel attacked.  And, what you really want is to establish more fun and spontaneity in your marriage.  This will be easier (and more effective) if you can include activities that are going to be considered fun for both of you.  It’s a safe bet that you know your spouse well enough to know what types of activities are going to be considered pleasurable to them.  And you also know what you feel that you are lacking.  So the key is compromise.  You might agree that each weekend, you will hire a trusted sitter and plan an impromptu weekend that you will both enjoy.  You might commit to alone couple time at set times when you put the kids to bed early.  You might take turns planning dates so that things feel more spontaneous and adventurous. The key is to find the place where you are both happy and where no one feels that they are being taken advantage of or asked to give too much.  Because when this is done correctly, it feels effortless and it feels fun.

I was able to validate this wife’s right to be happy, but I could also reassure her that this wasn’t an issue that couldn’t be overcome.  It’s very common and it doesn’t mean that your marriage is over or has reached the point of no return.  It doesn’t mean that you no longer love your spouse or have outgrown them.  It just means that you both have some work to do.

As I alluded to, I wish that I would have taken my husband more seriously when he told me that he wasn’t happy.  We eventually separated and almost divorced.  By the time I got serious about making changes to my marriage, I had a lot of catching up to do.  But, eventually I was successful and we are still together today.  If it helps, you can read our story of reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are well aware that their husband is no longer all that committed or invested in their marriage. Sometimes, this is just an obvious truth that can be made by taking an honest look around. Other times, the husband begins talking about separating or about taking a break. Either way, the wife can be extremely motivated to find a way to get him to recommit to both her and the marriage.

One might explain: “I know that my husband doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. I know that our marriage is in real trouble. But I am very sure that I want to save our marriage. And I am willing to do whatever I have to do in order to make that happen. My husband, however, doesn’t feel the same way. He has started hinting about moving out or seeking a separation. When he says these things, I ask him to reconsider and I tell him that if he would just give me a chance, I could make our marriage work. But he just stares at me blankly or even rolls his eyes as if he has no faith that our marriage is even worth fighting for. What can I do to make my husband recommit to me and our marriage? Because if I can’t do this, I feel like my marriage is over.” I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

It’s More Effective (And Easier) To Get Him To Recommit When Things Are Going Well: I know that when your marriage is falling apart, this is the time when you feel the most desperate to get him to recommit to you. But, you should also know that this is the time when you have the least chance of success. In other words, the worse shape your marriage is in, the less of a chance you have that he is going to willingly and enthusiastically recommit, no matter what strategy or plan you use. The reason for this is that he really doesn’t have much of an incentive to believe that real change or improvement is even possible. You’re essentially asking him to take a leap of faith when he’s yet to see anything to tell him that it’s wise to do what you are asking of him.

However, if you can first show him some improvement, your chances for success greatly increase. Because once he sees that you can and will make good on your promises, it’s clear that he is no longer taking so large of a risk.

So what does this mean for you? It means that you are going to have a far greater chance of him being willing to recommit to you if you can improve your marriage first before you even ask this question. In short, you need to place your focus on improving your marriage and your interactions with your husband rather than pushing for a commitment before you give him any real incentive (other than promises) to do so.

I know that this may feel as if you are working backward. But try not to look at it this way. Instead, try to look at it like you are going with the strategy that is the most likely to work and to elicit his enthusiastic cooperation.

Know That It’s Better To Entice Him To Want To Recommit Than To Attempt To Force Or Trick Him Into It: Think about it for a second. If you push your husband relentlessly until you get him to very reluctantly agree to recommit, how excited do you think he is about this? Do you think his heart is really into it?  Do you think he will give this everything that he has? Or do you think he’s only pacifying you in order to get you to stop dwelling on the topic?

But let’s look at it from another angle.  What if you set it up so that your marriage improved to the point that he just naturally wanted to recommit to you because he finds himself more content and happy in the marriage? How and sincere cooperative would he be then?  Obviously, one of the above scenarios gives you a much better chance to save your marriage for the long term.

Believe me when I say that I know how desperate and horrible you can feel when you know that your husband is slipping away from you. It’s completely understandable that you’d be willing to do anything to get him on board. But, it doesn’t make sense to look for a commitment that isn’t sincere or heartfelt.  So it’s in your best interest to place your focus more on making him want to recommit to your marriage instead of trying to bring this about by force born out of desperation.

I understand where you are right now.  There was a time when I very desperately tried to get my husband to recommit to me.  But I went about it in the wrong way and he just pulled away.  We eventually separated and almost divorced, until I completely changed strategies and saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very suspicious of their husband’s claims that he is willing to try a separation before a divorce.  Many worry that he’s not really going to try to improve things or to save their marriage during the separation.  In fact, they feel as if he’s just posturing and using the separation as a way to ease them into filing for divorce or to let them down easy.

One might explain: “for about the last year and a half, my husband has been telling me how unhappy he is.  I tried my best to improve our marriage, but he was very resistant to any attempts that I’ve made.  Finally, he said that he needs some time away from me.  This upset me terribly.  So he agreed to try a separation instead of pursuing a divorce.  I asked him how long he would be willing to wait before he actually filed.  He would not answer that question.  At this point, I feel like the whole thing is a farce.  I feel like the separation is only a ruse to let me down easy.  I feel like he’s just biding his time before he can file for a divorce with a clear conscience.  Yet, at the same time, I have to accept the separation and do the best that I can during it because it’s really the only chance I have.  But I’m not sure where to go from here because I just know that he’s not going to be receptive to me.  What now?”  I’ll try to address these concerns in the following article.

I could greatly identify with this wife.  There was a time when I was sure that my separated husband was going to file for divorce as soon as he felt he’d given the separation enough time. This left me almost too paralyzed to act.  It wasn’t until I accepted that I was going to lose him either way unless I took some action that things began to change.  I accepted some basic truths (which I’ll outline below) and that made a significant difference.

He May Well Be Biding His Time, But You Can’t Dwell Or Focus On That: I know that you probably feel like the clock is ticking. But do you know what you should focus on instead?  That at least you do have some time, no matter how short that time frame might be.  And you have to make it count.  You cannot let fear keep you from making the best attempt possible to save your marriage if that is what you really want.  You can’t control his thought process, but you can certainly control your own.  And your thoughts and actions are both extremely important right now.

To the extent that you can, try to remain calm and vow that you’re going to make the very most of this opportunity and that you are going to control what you can and hope for the best.  That way, regardless of how this turns out, you will know that you handled this as best as you possibly could.  And you will know that you have no regrets.

Know That You Don’t Initially Need His Cooperation:  Many wives feel that they are going to need their husband’s full consent or cooperation in order to save their marriage.  This does make things easier.  But it’s not vital, in my opinion and experience. To make it work if you’re going solo, you will need to break this down to it’s most basic level.  You need to accept small victories that build onto one another and gain strength over time.

Instead of panicking and thinking that you must make your marriage perfect in order to save it, you’re better off just wanting to preserve or improve the relationship, no matter what form it takes.  Your husband is much less likely to resist your just wanting to get along with him in a more positive way.

During this process, you will want to move very slowly.  You don’t want to make it obvious that you have some long-term plan or motive.  You want to try to reestablish an easy rapport between you.  Take it one tiny step at a time.  Take it day by day rather than constantly looking at the big picture and feeling the clock tick and the pressure build.

Because if you can pull this off successfully, there will not be any pressing reason for him to be in a hurry to get a divorce.  After all, you’re getting along and you’re not questioning or pressuring him.

I realize that this is a tall order and that what I am asking takes a good deal of faith and patience.  But what is the alternative? Panicking and pushing him further away with the drama and only ensuring that he’s going to be in a hurry to file for divorce and get it all over with? That doesn’t sound like the better option to me.

I don’t mean to make light of the situation because I know how difficult this is.  I had to use this strategy when it was clear that nothing else was going to work.  And yes, it did some time.  But the wait was absolutely worth it because things never escalated to a divorce. Instead, we saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Some wives are devastated by a new revelation from their husbands – that he is no longer sure that he loves his wife.  Sometimes, this disclosure comes up during an argument.  Other times, the husband is just being brutally honest.  No matter how this information comes to light, it’s not only very painful, but it can make for an awkward situation.

One might say: “a couple of days ago, my husband sat me down and told me that he could no longer live a lie and that he needed to be honest with me.  By the tone of his voice, I suspected that he was going to tell me that he had cheated and perhaps was in love with the other woman.  My suspicions were wrong.  Instead, he told me that he is no longer sure that he loves me.  He insisted that there was no one else.  He claimed that I haven’t done anything wrong.  He just insisted that he wasn’t sure of his feelings anymore and that he felt that I had the right to know. I asked him if he was going to move out or file for a divorce, and he said not at this time.  This is so devastating.  I’m just not even sure how I’m supposed to respond to this or how I’m supposed to act.  I feel like I’m walking on egg shells but I don’t want to get him angry at me by asking a lot of questions.  I want to be pleasant and I want to make sure our marriage is going well, but I don’t want to appear fake.  In short, I just don’t know what to do and how to act.  What’s the best way to approach this?”

I could see why this wife was struggling  I know first hand that there’s nothing quite as painful as knowing that the person you love most in the world might not feel the same way.  But fortunately, this wife intuitively knew that how she acted in the days to come could well have a dramatic impact on the outcome of her marriage.  I hear from a lot of men in this situation on my blog, and I’ve also been through this myself, so I have a definite opinion on how to handle this, which I’ll discuss below.

As Difficult As It May Be, Try Not To Constantly Ask Him To Define His Feelings Or His Plans:  I know that you’d probably do about anything to find out what your husband is thinking, planning, and feeling right now.  But, repeatedly questioning him about this is often the worst thing that you can do.  Many husbands say that they wish they had never been honest with their wife about these feelings because she can’t talk about or focus on anything else.

She’s always asking him if he’s changed his mind.  She’s always looking for reassurance that the marriage is getting better.  She’s always wanting feedback that he just can’t give her at the time, especially if she hasn’t even given him time to evaluate. I know that you are probably tempted to constantly ask him if anything has changed.  I was too.  But it is usually much better to have faith that you will know when he has made a decision or has more information.  And frankly, it is better if it takes him awhile to decide.  Because this gives you time to try to improve things and to influence his decision, which I’ll discuss now.

Try To Be Upbeat And Attempt To Make Sure That Your Marriage Feels Solid, But Don’t Make This Obvious:  Of course you will want to make sure that the two of you get along well and reconnect.  You want to feel the spark again.  But you have to walk a fine line.  Because you don’t want your husband to think that you are just acting in a certain way to change his mind.  You want to be completely genuine but you also want to change things if you can.

You probably already know what your husband likes most about you.  So you want to make sure that this is who he sees.  You don’t want for him to see the insecure, needy side of you that makes him feel guilty or makes him want to spend less time with you because he knows that doing so is only going to hurt you.

Coming Up With A Suitable Response: As to how to respond, a suggested script might be something like: “well that is very hurtful and certainly not what I wanted to hear.  But I do appreciate your being honest with me.  I hope that we can work this out because I still love you and I value our marriage.  If there is anything that I can do or address that might improve things, I’d appreciate your telling me.  Can you share anything that’s bothering you?”

After saying this, now you need to listen.  You don’t want to argue, disagree or tell him that he’s wrong.  If you do any of these things, he will get defensive and you can’t afford for that to happen.  You want to listen because sometimes the few words that he does say will give you incredibly important clues that you need to hear in order to come up with a workable plan to return the loving feelings.

Believe me when I say that I know how you feel.  I went through this myself and I handled it so poorly that my husband and I eventually separated.  It was a huge mess to have to clean up and I’d like for you to be able to avoid this.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how we went from separation to reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are very disappointed in the way that their husband is acting during a trial or marital separation.  Often, the wives had hoped that the time apart would actually improve both people’s behavior.  But, much to their dismay, the opposite has happened.

One might say: “things weren’t all that great between us when my husband moved out.  So it’s not like I expected him to be loving to me while we’re separated.  But he’s acting like a total jerk. On the rare occasions that I do talk to him, he’s sarcastic and nasty.  He makes rude jokes at my expense.  He goes out of his way to make it obvious he would rather be anywhere than with me.  If I call him on it, he acts like I’m hysterical. And he has never once apologized.  This infuriates me because before he moved out, he told me that he felt that might be a chance that we would eventually reconcile.  Now, it’s obvious this was a lie.  And maybe I’m having such a strong reaction because deep down, I hoped we could save our marriage.  The petty part of me wants to be mean to him right back.  But the rational part of me thinks that this will only make things worse.  I don’t want to be a pushover though.  What should I do?”

It’s not uncommon for people to show negative behaviors during a separation, especially in the beginning.  It’s stressful to suddenly uproot your life with so much uncertainty on the horizon, especially when you’re estranged or away from the ones that you love.  This can make even the most good-natured folks lash out.  And sometimes, people can project those frustrations onto the easy target or the person who they feel contributed to the situation in the first place.  But, things often do calm down and behaviors then change accordingly, which is why I think that it’s a very bad idea to react in negative ways, as tempting as it might be.

I felt that the wife was right when she suspected that being mean to her husband would only make things worse.  I felt that there were more positive ways to handle this, which I’ll outline below.

If You Can, Try To Diffuse His Nastiness With Humor:  To be honest, sometimes your husband is just waiting for you to say something nasty back to him.  That way, he can justify continuing to act in the inappropriate way that he already is.  Don’t allow him this luxury.  Instead, try to use humor to stop him in his tracks.  When he says something mean again, make a lighthearted comment asking if he woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or some other inside joke that you might share. He may still give you an underhanded response, but if you keep right on using humor, he’ll eventually learn that his nastiness no longer has the desired response so there is no need for him to continue.

Or, Try The Sincere, Calm And Honest Approach:  If you don’t like the humor method I described above (or you don’t think that you can pull it off convincingly,) there’s another option.  You might just try to be direct but calm.  A suggested script might be something like: “I know that we’re both frustrated and uncomfortable, but those comments really hurt me.  And I have a feeling that you don’t really mean them. So I’m not going to react in a negative way.  I’m going to ask that we start over.  And if that doesn’t work, I’m going to take a break.  Because this relationship is still important to me even if it’s struggling right now.  And I don’t want to throw it away because we’re both being careless with our words.  Can we start over, please?”  If he’s still nasty or resistant, make good on your promise to give him some space.  Once he’s had time to cool down and he realizes that you did nothing but try to diffuse the situation, he’ll likely see what a jerk he’s been and will hopefully back off. Or better yet, he’ll apologize.

Don’t Expect An Immediate Apology And Always Remember Your Goal:  I know that it’s difficult to remain calm when the person who is supposed to love you is saying such nasty things to you. And I know you want an immediate apology.  But it often takes time for your husband to calm down and to see things clearly. I DID get an apology, but only long after we reconciled.  Always remember the long-term goal.  And that is to improve things between you so that hopefully you can eventually save your marriage.  This becomes less likely if the two of you are throwing verbal barbs at one another.  So take a deep breath, put a smile on your face, and pause.  Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the negativity and try to create a break in it instead.

To answer the question posed, I did not believe that the wife should be nasty to her husband in retaliation.  This would only ignite the situation more and the whole goal was to bring him closer to her, not further away.

Believe me when I say that I didn’t always hold my tongue when my husband was rude during our separation.  But, every time I gave in to this temptation, it only made things worse.  Eventually, I decided to try a completely new strategy and it worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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