Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are so frustrated with their marriages that they suspect that counseling might be the only thing that can save it.  Unfortunately, much of the time, the motivated spouse is the only one who thinks that counseling is a good idea.  Often, one spouse is enthusiastic about counseling and the other is not.  And, this leaves the enthusiastic spouse wondering if they should make the counseling mandatory in order to avoid a divorce.

One of these enthusiastic spouses might explain: “I am so fed up with my husband and with my marriage.  My husband is so condescending to me that I’m not sure if I want to be married to him anymore.  I stay at home with my children and it’s as if he thinks that this gives him the right to expect for me to be his hired assistant or housekeeper.  Staying home with the kids is work but he doesn’t see it that way.  He doesn’t feel as if he should help out with anything that involves the house or the children.  He treats me like an employee.  He doesn’t seem to respect or value me and I feel horribly resentful about this so we always end up fighting.  I actually stormed out last week and went to stay with a girlfriend, taking the kids with me.  This didn’t seem to phase my husband in the least.  I’ve been referred to a good counselor that I’d really like to consult to help us with our marriage.  But my husband doesn’t want to go.  He thinks it’s a waste of time and money.  At this point, if we don’t get some help, then I don’t want to participate in this marriage.  I believe the counselor could help us, but I don’t want to stay in my marriage as it is right now.  Should I give my husband an ultimatum to go to counseling or to accept a divorce?”

This wife’s frustration was very obvious.  She felt taken advantage of, disrespected, and unloved.  It was no wonder that she was motivated to try anything that might help.  So, I completely understand her mindset.  I too have made a last ditch effort to save my marriage, so I know that the situation that this wife was in was not a very fun place to be.  With that said, I also know from experience and research that ultimatums usually do not work as intended.  Not only that, but they bring about a lot of resentment, which is why I believe they should be a last resort.  I’ll explain this more in the following article.

Why I Believe Any Ultimatum Should Be The Last Resort:  If you’ve never seen a man who has been mandated to attend counseling, I can tell you that it is not a pretty sight.  Men are often resistant to counseling anyway.  But a man who is forced to go to counseling will usually sit there with his arms crossed and with his eyes on the floor.  He usually makes it quite clear that he does not want to be there and he will often be determined to participate very little and to listen even less.

If you are going to get the most out of counseling, you need to set it up so that your husband is a more than willing participant.  Granted, some husbands come to see that the counselor isn’t as bad as he expected in time, but I find that this is the exception rather than the rule.

Show Him What Is In It For Him To Go To Counseling: It is just human nature for people to be resistant to something which they believe will not benefit them.  Men will often tell you that counseling is a waste of time and money.  Most of the time, they really do believe this.  They aren’t just giving you an excuse.  Plus, they are afraid of feeling vulnerable in the counselor’s office.  They assume the worst.  They assume that they will be made out to be the bad guy or that they will be forced to talk about their deepest and most shameful and embarrassing feelings even if this isn’t the true reality.

The irony of all of this is that often, if he would just go and see for himself, he would find out that his assumptions aren’t true.  And I do understand that this is why ultimatums seem attractive at the time.  But, I believe that there is a better way.  I believe that if you play your cards right, you can get him there without having to threaten him.  And you do that by showing him what is in it for him.

You probably know what your husband’s currency is better than anyone.  I can tell you that many men respond to the possibility that your physical relationship could improve as the result of counseling.  So just one suggestion would be something like: “do you remember when things we so good between us when we were first married that we couldn’t keep our hands off each other?  Well, I want to have that again.  But right now, we’re not connecting physically because we are not connecting emotionally.  I need that emotional connection with you and I feel very confident that going to counseling will help us to get that back.  I’m only asking for you to commit to one session.  We can reevaluate after that.  But I truly feel that this will help us to have the relationship that we had in the beginning when we used to laugh endlessly and connect on multiple levels.”

In this way, you’re letting him see that the counseling will benefit him and that you’re willing to compromise.  This is much more likely to get him to go and to willingly participate than to give him an ultimatum.

Because frankly, that’s not much point to counseling if he’s going to sit there and be sullen and resentful.  He’s not going to listen or fully participate anyway.  But, if he feels that there is something in it for him, then he may well still be somewhat reluctant to go but at least he will be more open while he is there.

As I alluded to, my husband was extremely resistant to counseling.  I did initially seek help on my own and I also found some self help resources that I found quite helpful.  It might help to know that even with this resistance, we did eventually save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are struggling with the hurt they feel knowing that their husband is seeing other women while they are going through a marital or trial separation.  And, even worse, some husbands insist on sharing the painful details with their wives.

One of these wives might explain: “my husband originally wanted a divorce but after many discussions, I finally convinced him to try a trial separation instead.  I envisioned this as a way for us to work on our marriage while having the space to give us some needed perspective.  He apparently didn’t share my vision because he immediately started dating other people.  Even worse, when we get together for dinner once a week (which I insisted upon,) he tells me about his dates with the other women.  Usually, he pokes fun at the dates and says how awkward it is to start dating again.  But occasionally,  he will talk about one of the women in complimentary terms or make expressions that let me know that he enjoyed himself.  I’m just so floored by this that I don’t know what to say.  I guess we see the separation much differently.  With that said, he is otherwise pleasant during our dinners and we are getting along quite well.  Strangely enough, I would feel that we were making some progress if it weren’t for his dating stories.  How should I handle this?”

This is a particularly difficult situation.  On the one hand, the wife has every right to be very upset about the husband’s lack of empathy.  But on the other, if she made a huge deal out of this and it caused a rift between them, then her contact with her husband might be diminished, which would hurt all of the progress that she has made.  So, she had to be careful to tread lightly and to handle this situation in a way that didn’t make it worse.  I’ll discuss this more in the following article.

Make No Mistake.  It’s Inappropriate For A Husband To Discuss His Dating Life With His Wife, Even During A Separation:  This conversation made me wonder why the husband would even want to talk about his dates.  Was he trying to make the wife jealous?  Was he trying to ease her into a divorce by allowing her to have the knowledge that he was in the beginning stages of moving on?  Or was he just clueless or insensitive?  I didn’t know this situation or the husband enough to answer these questions, but the wife might.  And the answers to these questions might give her some insight on how to address this.

But, regardless of his motivation, it isn’t appropriate for him to talk about other women when he is still married and it does absolutely nothing to help save your marriage, which was supposedly the goal.  So, I think that it’s appropriate (and advisable) to address this. The next time that he brings up his dating life, I’d suggest something like: “I need to stop you right now because I have to be honest with you about something.  It really hurts me when you talk about other women during our time together.  I know that a separation is not a great time for a marriage, but in my mind, we are still married and we are still working on that marriage.  Not only does hearing about your love life hurt me, but it makes me wonder if we’re going to make any progress on our relationship.  I’m not sure that you’re going to be able to objectively evaluate our situation or contribute to our reconciliation when you are juggling more than one relationship.  I have no desire to see anyone else because our marriage is still the most important relationship in my life.  I would very much like for you to stop seeing other people while we are separated.  But, if you won’t do that, then at least I’d ask that you don’t go into detail about other women.  This separation is upsetting enough, but hearing the details is almost unbearable.  I still have hope for our marriage and I want to just focus on us.”

After you say your words, stop and wait.  And then listen.  Your husband’s response to this will likely be very telling.  He may get defensive or he may be receptive.  He may make concessions and he may not.  But whatever his reaction, try not to engage in conflict.  Your goal is to get your point across while maintaining the open relationship that allows you to see one another regularly.

Can You Save Your Marriage When Your Husband Is Seeing Other People While You’re Separated?:  Many wives in this situation worry that their marriage is over because they feel that if their husband is seeing other women, he’s already checked out of the marriage.  I agree that it is harder to save your marriage under these circumstances. But it is not impossible.

Some of the wives are able to convince their husbands to stop dating.  And sometimes, being with other women makes the husband see that no one compares to his wife.  That’s why it’s so important that you are careful and maintain your open and friendly relationship so that you can continue to try to improve your marriage, even during these trying circumstances.

I was always afraid to ask my husband about his dating life during our separation.  And when I would get angry or insecure, this always manifested itself in negative ways, which made our relationship worse.  It wasn’t until I learned that I had to project confidence that I began to see some positive changes.  If it helps, you can read our story of reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are afraid that their husband has already made up his mind about ending their marriage.  Sometimes, the husband denies this. He will sometimes claim that he is keeping an open mind during counseling or a marital separation. But, many wives in this situation have their doubts.

You might hear someone say: “my husband and I have been separated for three months.  We agreed that after four months, we could come to a decision about our marriage and he would either return back home if things were going well. Or, we would get a divorce if things deteriorated.  Well, things have not been going so well.  We fight now as much as we did when he lived at home.  He does his best to steer clear of me.  This frustrates me because he claimed that he was going to be accessible.  I saw my husband the other night and he told me that he wasn’t going to be able to make a decision about our marriage after the four months that we agreed on.  I commented that his delay didn’t offer me a lot of encouragement.  He didn’t respond.  Then I told him that I feel like our marriage is over in his own mind but he just won’t put this into words. He told me that I was reading too much into the delay.  He said if he had come to a decision, he would share it with me.  I don’t believe him.  I think that he’s probably just lining up a support system and a legal team so that he can quickly file for divorce.  What should you do if you feel like your husband thinks its over but he just won’t say it?  Especially when it’s not over for you?”

I understand this dilemma as I’ve been there myself.  I was sure that my husband was in the middle of filing for a divorce when we were separated but struggling.  And I acted in the way that was firmly in alignment with this.  But what I didn’t realize at the time was that the more I insinuated that he felt it was over and just didn’t have the courage to say it, the more I pushed for him to verbally declare that it was really and truly over, which was truly the last thing that I wanted.  So my fear and my panic were actually driving me to act in such a way that made my worst fears almost a reality.  I don’t want for this to happen to you, so in the following article, I will offer some tips on what I believe is the best way to handle this.

As Much As You May Feel Like You Know What He’s Thinking, You May Not Be Right In Your Assumptions:  I know that you probably know your husband better than anyone else.  And, after being married for a while, you feel as if you can read his cues and know what he is thinking and feeling.  But in truth, unless you are a very talented psychic, you cannot read his mind.  He may well have a lot of uncertainty right now, but this doesn’t mean that he’s written your marriage off or that he has come to a final decision.  At times like these, you really have no choice but to trust in what he is telling you unless he gives you a reason not to, which leads me to my next point.

Unless You Hear Otherwise, You Still Have Time To Make An Impact And To Try To Save Your Marriage:  I know that this wife felt that her husband was only delaying the divorce for a month to get his affairs in order.  This was her theory anyway. But the truth was, he hadn’t filed for a divorce and he had very directly told her that he was delaying the decision by an entire month.  This gave her four weeks to gain sound ground.  Admittedly, she was skeptical that it was going to be possible to make some progress on saving her marriage, but I encouraged her to go into this with a good attitude and to act as if she already knew that she was going to be successful.  The idea was that to give the impression that either way, she was going to dust herself off and plow forward doing the best that she could.

I know first hand that sometimes presentation is everything.  And often, when you change your focus from panic to progress, your husband will notice (and respond) to the difference.  You often do not realize that your sense of urgency (which is perfectly normal) has overwhelmed your husband and driven him away.  This is true even if he still cares about you and has the best intentions.  It is just human nature to back away from things that bring about guilt, uncertainty, or negative emotions.  So when you change from displaying negative emotions to positive ones, you will often also see a different response from him.

So to answer the question posed, I actually think that it’s a mistake to assume that your husband knows its over.  And even if he has his suspicions, you still have some time to change your strategy and see if it makes any difference.  Always remember that when you expect a negative outcome, you make this more likely.

I wish I had realized this in my own situation.  As I alluded to, I was sure that my husband was determined to divorce me and I acted accordingly.  We almost divorced as a result.  It wasn’t until I changed from a negative strategy to a positive one that things improved dramatically.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives are seriously worried about the future of their marriages, especially since their husband has told them that he has a hard time picturing any future at all with them.

A wife might say: “my husband and I have had a rough year.  He was laid off from his job and this hurt his self-esteem horribly.  In turn, it really stressed my marriage.  I really want to downsize where we live because it may take him a long time to find another job.  I would rather willingly find a smaller home now than to be foreclosed on later.  I will admit that I tend to be a worrier and I don’t like taking risks.  My husband is angry that I want to downsize because he says that this just proves that I don’t have faith in him and in his abilities. Frankly, it doesn’t appear to me that he’s pursuing another job as aggressively as he should.  I try to keep quiet about this because he’s so sensitive.  The other day, my husband told me that he was looking for another place to live.  He said that he can no longer see a future with me because we just have different personalities and ways of looking at life.  He says being around me makes him feel drained.  I tried to tell him that I will back off of the house thing if he would stay.  I told him that I would no longer pressure him.  But none of this seems to matter.  He just said we have different ways of thinking and that we aren’t compatible. What can I do now?  I don’t want to lose my husband. I agree that we are different, but don’t opposites attract?”

Opposites do attract and opposites can remain very happily married, but it can take work to ensure that this happens.  My husband and I are polar opposites and we have had our struggles – so much so that we separated for a while.  But, I finally got serious about dealing with them and decided that I wasn’t going to let that conflict destroy our marriage.  Below, I’ll outline some suggestions about how to best deal with this.

If He Can’t See A Future With You, Then The Best Bet Is To Focus On The Here And Now:  I know how badly it hurts to hear your husband say that the future is uncertain.  But, if you think about it, no one has any guarantees about their future or about their marriage.  We all live with a degree of uncertainty every day.  And frankly, you can influence the outcome of the future depending on how you conduct yourself in the present.

It’s important to not become so distracted with fear about tomorrow that you do not deal with the realities of today.  So I would suggest that the wife take things day by day without panicking about next week.  The first course of action is to deal with the immediate future.  I couldn’t tell how serious the husband was about moving out.  He could have intended to pack his bags that night, or he might have been merely trying to get a reaction out of the wife in the hopes that she backed off on the stress level so that he didn’t feel so pressured.

A suggested script would be something like: “it hurts me to hear you say this, but I agree that our marriage is under a lot of pressure right now and this is no one’s fault.  We’re living under very difficult circumstances.  But I think that if we work together, we can make the best of them.   And yes, we have different personalities. But at the beginning of our marriage and before these difficulties surfaced, our differences enhanced our marriage.  I believe that this can happen again if we can manage the stress.  Can you work with me to make that happen? I am committed to adjusting my attitude so that you’re not feeling so pressured.  But I need for you to make me feel heard.  Can we agree to this?”

Improving Your Present So That He Can Begin To See His Future With You Again:  I had no way to predict how the husband would proceed in the coming days.  But no matter which course of action he took, the wife should focus on trying to drastically tone down the stress level.  The whole idea is to back off and to lighten up so that you can begin to have fun together again.  I know that this can be a challenge when money is tight and tensions are high.  But a walk in the park costs nothing.  A board game with laughter and kidding around is absolutely free.

You want to show your husband that you can coexist quite happily and playfully even with your differences.  And the idea is that you eventually it’s clear that your spouse is your rock who always has your back rather than yet another cause of stress.  Frankly, in hard times, your spouse should be your biggest ally.  This wasn’t the case in this marriage right now.  But if the wife played her cards right, it could become this way eventually.  And once the husband began to see some drastic improvement, he would likely begin to envision a promising future once again.

As I alluded to, I didn’t pay attention to the issues in my own marriage until things were so bad that we almost divorced.  I had to work very hard to gain some ground and to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By; Leslie Cane: Many wives are very confused by their husband’s sudden request for an unspecified separation. Sometimes, there is very little prior warning about this. And the husbands aren’t always forthcoming about why they need or want this time away.

One of these wives might explain: “I will admit that the last year of my marriage hasn’t been our happiest time. My husband’s parents both died in a car accident earlier in the year. My husband and his siblings fought about how to settle their affairs. This year has been so painful and stressful and our marriage was strained because I am close to one of my husband’s sisters. So I knew that things weren’t ideal between us. But I was completely shocked when my husband sat me down and said that he ‘wants to separate for a while.’ I asked him what exactly he meant by this and he told me that he just feels that he needs some time to himself to sort out what he’s feeling and what he wants out of his life. I asked him if this meant he was going to see other people or leave town. He said no to both. But he wouldn’t be much more specific than that. He won’t give me any concrete reasons as to why he’s doing this other than to say he needs time. He plans to stay at his parents’ house during the separation. I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond because I just don’t understand why he’s doing this. What reasons would he have?”

There are many reasons that a man will ask for a temporary separation or some time alone. Some of the reasons are someone legitimate and innocent and others aren’t. I’ll discuss some of the more common reasons below as well as give you my take on this particular situation as well as a suggested response.

Some Men Have Less Than Admirable Reasons For Wanting A Temporary Separation: I don’t think that this case shows an example of a man who is using the separated life as a way to live as a single man. But, you should be aware that some husbands will ask to separate for a while when they have or want to pursue someone else or when they want to live more like a single person. Others use the separation as the first step to a divorce when they’ve already made up their mind about ending their marriage but they want to ease their wives into the situation.

Some Men Truly Do Want Time To Sort Out Their Feelings Alone: Some men truly don’t know what they want. They haven’t made any plans to divorce and, in their minds, the separation might be temporary. Sometimes, as in this case, this happens after a personal crisis where the husband is reeling emotionally. He wants some time on his own to process his feelings, which are often all over the place. Often, he is hurting. And while there often isn’t any sinister intention on his part, there is sometimes a risk with this. Because he can sometimes associate the stress or pain in his life with your marriage, which certainly isn’t fair.

It was certainly understandable that this husband was hurting and might need some time alone, but the wife had done nothing but try to support him during a difficult time. The death of a loved one will often make a person question what they want moving forward because they have stared morality right in the face. It’s now obvious that they won’t be on this earth forever and they often want to take some time to evaluate their future. This didn’t mean that the husband would decide he wanted a future where he was alone, but it did pose some risk for the wife and for their marriage.

How To Best Handle This Situation: Most of the time, these husbands are sure that they want or need the time away. Wives often try to talk them out of it, but the success rate of this isn’t all that high since usually by the time they share their plans with their wife, they’ve been unhappy for a while. I think that a better alternative is to offer some compromise. You could offer to be the one to leave or you could offer to live in another part of your house so that he could have his time and space.

If he’s just not receptive to this and is insistent on moving out, then I would try very hard to agree on a schedule where you regularly communicated and saw one another. Because it is possible to improve your relationship while you’re separated (especially when you realize that you miss one another badly,) but in order for this to happen, you need to spend regular time together. So however you react, you want to set it up so that you have regular access to him.

So to answer the question posed, there are many reasons a man might want a temporary separation to sort out his wishes or feelings. Some men are being honest and others aren’t. In this case, the husband was likely struggling emotionally because of the tragedy that happened to his parents. Counseling might prove incredibly beneficial both for him and for the marriage.

Our separation was meant to only be temporary at first. But I panicked and handled the whole thing so badly that I almost ended up divorced.  I had to work very hard to bring the love back into my marriage so that my husband was willing to come back home.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people don’t want to accept that their marriage is over, despite what their spouse is saying. In an attempt to change their spouse’s mind, they will often ask for concrete reasons for the marriage being over. They figure if they know why their spouse wants to end things, they can address the problems in order to hopefully save their marriage. Sometimes though, their spouse refuses to provide any reasoning behind their feelings.

Here’s an explanation: “I will be the first to admit that our marriage isn’t perfect. Because of our child’s disabilities, we are constantly under stress. But I thought that we would always stick together for the sake of our son. However, my husband apparently doesn’t share this thinking. Last night, he announced that our marriage is over. He said that nothing could change his mind and that he was going to find another place to live, move out, and then eventually file for a divorce. I was devastated and of course, my first question was why. He said that his decision wasn’t based on just one thing. He said he can’t pinpoint the exact reason. But he assured me that he didn’t need to spell it out because it is over no matter what the reason. I don’t think that there is someone else because we are both always home. He doesn’t have much spare time to carry on an affair. He probably just wants to run away and leave me being solely responsible for my son. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t agree that it’s over. What now?”

I know first hand that this is a tough situation. There are many reasons that a spouse will refuse to say why he thinks that your marriage is over. I will go over some of those reasons in the article below as well as offer some suggestions on where you go from here.

Sometimes, He’s Not Saying Why It’s Over Because He Doesn’t Want To Give You Any information To Use As A Debate Because His Mind Is Made Up: Quite often, your spouse is well aware that you are asking for his reasoning because you are looking for a way to change his mind.  So, he doesn’t want to give you anyway to try to change it. He doesn’t want to leave this up for any debate and he doesn’t want for you to attempt to poke holes in his thought process. This doesn’t mean that you have no hope, of course. But it sometimes means that you will need to be more creative in your strategy if you still want to save your marriage.

Sometimes He’s Tight-Lipped Because He Isn’t Sure What’s Behind His Actions: Sometimes, your dissatisfied spouse isn’t sure about the source of their unhappiness. For whatever reason, they just feel a bit lost and they’re wondering if this is all there is to life. Many times, they are dealing with a personal crossroads or crisis, which, quite unfairly, has nothing to do with your marriage.

Sometimes, They Aren’t Proud Of Their Reasons For Ending The Marriage: In this case, the husband could have been feeling very stressed out about their family situation, much of which was beyond any one’s control and wasn’t really anyone’s fault. So instead of telling his wife this embarrassing truth to which there is really no answer, he’d rather just refuse to give a reason. Again, this doesn’t mean that you don’t have any recourse. But it might mean that you will have to work around this.

How To Handle This Situation: In my mind, there are two choices that you have. You can either accept his lack of reasoning and observe how he proceeds and then react accordingly. Or, you can still try to save your marriage despite the fact that he really hasn’t given you much to work with.

Although I will admit that saving your marriage might be a little bit difficult and a much slower process in these circumstances, I know first hand that it’s not impossible. In order to be successful, you will often have to take your focus off of his reasoning or thought process and just place it on your relationship.  Because at the end of the day, the fact that he is doing this is more important than why he is.  He’s still going forward regardless.

Even if you don’t know exactly what he is thinking, you can make some pretty good guesses. You can assume that he isn’t happy and that he doesn’t think that your marriage can be changed enough to make him happy. He may be unwilling to try to change things or he may just have his doubts that things are actually changeable. Either way, it’s my opinion that your best course of action is to stop demanding answers in an attempt to debate with him and to instead place your focus on improving your relationship so that he begins to see a glimmer of hope.

Now, you may have to keep this strategy close to your chest. Because if make it blatantly obvious that your only goal is saving your marriage, then he may not be very cooperative and he may try to make sure that you fail. But if you make it appear that you are mostly interested in just improving things between you for the sake of your child and because you still care about him, then he is more likely to cooperate.

Yes, this means that you have to move slowly and that your goal won’t be as transparent. But it also means that you can very slowly rebuild the foundation of your relationship without much resistance. And, if you can do that successfully, you have a chance of proving to your spouse that your marriage might not be over after all.

I had to use this strategy in my own situation when my husband left and swore that he’d never change his mind about our marriage.  It eventually became obvious that if I was going to gain any ground, I’d have to make it appear that I had accepted this and I then began to whittle away at the situation until I saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who worry that they have overreacted prematurely when they kicked their spouse out of the house.  Many greatly regret this and want to know the best way to apologize or to try to diffuse the anger so that their spouse will want to come back home.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been fighting for months about him flirting with other women online.  He says it is harmless fun and that he never crosses the line with anyone.  He claims that has never had any physical interaction with anyone.  Regardless of what he says, I see this as a huge betrayal. I also feel that it’s incredibly disrespectful.  Last weekend, I walked through my husband’s office and once again, I saw him logged onto to his computer flirting.  I got so mad that I overreacted and I told him to get out immediately.  He tried to reason with me, but I shut him down.  He’s been trying to call me but I ignore him.  My friends have been telling me that I totally overreacted because it’s not like he was cheating on me and this issue is too small to ruin a marriage over.  Lately, I’ve been thinking that they might be right.  I probably did overreact.  But now, he’s not taking my calls.  I suppose he’s angry that I acted the way that I did.  What now?”

Many marriages make it through this situation so the first thing to remember is not to panic.  Of course, you want to rectify this situation and, because of your regret, you want for your husband to come back.  But at the same time, you have to respect that the flirting issue still had not been resolved.  There was a risk of just vowing to forget about it, until the next time it happens.

So, it’s important that while you work with him toward a reconciliation, it’s equally important that you don’t gloss over what is potentially a very damaging issue.  I will discuss this more below.

Don’t Panic.  Communication Will Likely Resume When The Emotions Calm Down:  I know that right now it may feel as if you have made a grave mistake that might cost you your marriage.  It can feel as if you might never hear from your husband again.  But, the reality is that this probably isn’t very likely.  There will likely be a time that the two of you are going to need to communicate.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t continue to call if you want to, but don’t call so much that you seem desperate or until you are willing to make concessions that aren’t in your best interest.  Have patience and don’t always assume the worst case scenario.  Your husband will likely calm down and begin to hear the sincerity in your voice.

When You Discuss This, Be Honest About Your Overreacting, But Make It Clear That The Flirting Is Still A Problem That Must Be Worked Through: I suspect that eventually, there will come a point where you and your husband discuss your living arrangements.  When that happens, a suggested script might be something like: “I now realize that I overreacted when I kicked you out and I’m very sorry about that.  I regret it deeply and I’d like for you to come back home so that we can work things out.  I’m still struggling with your flirting.  But I feel that if we work together, we can come up with some compromise that doesn’t mean that we have to jeopardize our marriage over this. And it’s going to be difficult for us to work on the issue when we aren’t living under the same roof.  Do you agree? How do you feel about this?”

As raw as the emotions were, the husband did try to call the wife and plead his case after she kicked him out.  So it was likely that underneath his hurt and frustration, he probably did want to come home and wouldn’t need much persuasion in order to do so.

Work Very Hard On Compromise And Communication.  Set It Up So That This Problem Is Truly Resolved For Good: Once the husband comes home, there really should be two immediate goals.  The first would be to find a compromise with the flirting.  I have to admit that I firmly agreed with the wife.  A married man flirting online with other women IS disrespectful and unhealthy to your marriage.  And I would hope that the husband would realize this now that it was clear that his wife was very serious about this issue.

With that said, the wife should commit to not overreacting and kicking him out of the house every time they disagreed or argued.  So the immediate objectives should have been to come to an agreement about appropriate behavior and then for both of them to commit to improving their communication so that rather than fighting so badly that one of them leaves, they could discuss the issue without it becoming so volatile.

My husband and I had a lot of hot-button issues like this that came up over and over again until they eventually almost tore us apart.  We tended to ignore them and just hope that things would get better.  They didn’t.  We almost divorced until I got serious about lasting and meaningful change.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many recently-separated wives feel that they should be elated that their husband has finally come home from a trial or marital separation. After all, it seems like they’ve been struggling to get him to come home for a very long time. But unfortunately, the reality is often not in line with the fantasy.

One might explain: “my husband and I separated nine months ago. From the beginning, I made it clear that I wanted to preserve our marriage. I knew that we had some serious issues. But I felt that we could overcome them if we worked together. So, during our separation, I worked very hard at making my husband feel that it was in his best interest to come home. He was very hesitant from the start. But I kept at it. Finally, last week my husband agreed to leave his apartment and come home to our house. I was very excited and I couldn’t wait to start our new lives together. But now that he’s home, I’m seeing that this isn’t what I hoped that it would be. He’s very cold and resentful. He doesn’t seem to really want to be here.  I almost like his attitude is ‘well, you wanted me home so here I am and now you can do all the work.’  I now realize that I’ve become used to going about my activities without someone standing over me. Whenever I got to do something or to plan to go somewhere, he’ll demand to know where I’m going and he always has an attitude about it. The thing is, he never wants to come along. I always invite him to go where I’m going but he declines and then he pouts. He doesn’t want to have much to do with me. He’s clearly unhappy. I don’t know why he even wanted to move back home if our marriage was going to be like this. I thought that we were going to be so happy but we’re so miserable. It turns out that we have the same problems all over again. He’s still angry and I’m still sad and we’re right back where we started. I still want to save my marriage, but only if it’s a happy one. What can I do now?”

This is not an uncommon situation. There is often an adjustment period when a spouse comes back home from a martial or trial separation. Things can be awkward and expectations can be high. And when things don’t turn out as expected, there can be resentment, confusion or anger. But even if things begin less than perfect, that doesn’t mean that you can’t get things on track. You can go from miserable to content if you handle this correctly. And frankly, getting him to come back home is an important part of the battle. It may not feel like it right now, but it’s a huge victory. I will discuss this more below.

If You Didn’t Solve Your Problems During The Separation, Now Is The Time: It’s very common for people to gloss over their issues while they are separated. After all, one of them is often desperately trying to get the other to come back home. So it makes sense that no one wants to dwell on troublesome problems that make a reconciliation less likely. The problem with this though is that when the couple does attempt to reconcile, they find themselves struggling with the same old issues and now, since they have been estranged, the stakes seem much higher and there can be even more stress when things feel off or wrong.

However, it’s like that both people are unhappy, then there can be more of a motivation to solve the issues so that the unhappiness and misery don’t continue. Please go ahead and address the issues that keep coming up. Because if you don’t, it’s not likely that you are going to see any real or meaningful improvement. And you don’t deserve to continue to be unhappy. You deserve a fulfilling marriage and so does your husband.

Try To Negotiate A Better Reality: People are often tempted not to complain in this situation because they are afraid that their spouse will leave again. But, you can bring this to your spouse’s attention in a positive way without making it sound critical.

An example might be something like: “I’ve noticed that you seem a little frustrated. I am too. I notice that we both seem to be having a little trouble adjusting to living together once again. I know that this can be normal, but I would like to work together to make things better for both of us. You and our marriage are so important to me and I just want this to work out so badly. What can I do to make the transition easier for you? For my part, I’d like it if you’d spend more time with me just having fun and reconnecting. I want for us to have some fun and enjoy one another. What can I do to help make this happen?”

It’s very important that you try to reach out to your husband and not just pretend that things are fine when they clearly aren’t. Things can’t improve if you don’t speak up. And he may assume that if you remain silent but resentful and unhappy, that you just don’t care enough to make a change. This obviously isn’t true so it’s better to be proactive about your own happiness.  Your husband didn’t come home to be miserable, so if you approach this correctly, he should be receptive.

It took such a huge effort to finally get my husband to come home, that it never occurred to me that there would be even more work to do once I got him there.  But, it soon became clear that we still had some work to do.  I was willing to do whatever was necessary because I wasn’t willing to let him walk out the door again.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many spouses are on the receiving end of the old “I need space” request. Often, people will initially try to ignore or talk their spouse out of needing space. When this doesn’t work, they’ll often try to ignore the situation or hope that it just goes away. Unfortunately, this strategy often doesn’t work because the more you deny your spouse what he thinks he wants, the more he is going to want it.

Someone might explain: “for the past year and a half, my husband has been telling me that he’s unhappy. About seven months ago, he started asking me to stay with my old roommate for a while so that he could have some space. He said he was no longer sure that he wanted to live together. Then this progressed to him being unsure if he wanted to be married. He keeps changing his mind. Some days he’s reasonably content with me and other days he will ask me when I’m staying with my friend because he’s no longer sure what he wants. I’m starting to think that maybe I should just give in and give him his space. That way, he’ll have to make up his mind once and for all and at least I will know what I am dealing with. But the thought of this scares me. Because I worry that he will like being on his own or that his mind is already made up anyway. If I stay and don’t give him space, then at least I know what’s going on and I have some control over the situation.”

Control was a huge issue for me when I was reluctant to give my own husband space. My thought process was much like the above example. I thought that the closer I kept my husband, the less of a chance there would be that he would slip away from me. But what I didn’t understand was that the harder I tried to keep my husband by my side through force, the more he wanted to go.

The thing is, husbands can and do push back and eventually give you no control about him having his space. Because sometimes, when you give him no other alternative, he will just leave. This is what happened in my case, and although I eventually did my husband back, I probably could have made things easier if I would have agreed to the space but set it up so that I still had a sense of control. I’ll discuss this more below.

Believe It Or Not, Your Position Isn’t The Worst Case Scenario: Many wives feel as if giving their husband space is the worst case they can imagine. It’s like admitting defeat. It’s potentially a relationship-changing decision. But in this case, the wife was only going to go stay with a friend. No one was going to move out. It’s my opinion that it’s much better for you to move out than to allow for him to move out. Because it allows you control over when you come back. When your husband leaves, you have no choice but to wait until he decides to come home. But if you are the one who leaves, the process is a bit easier.

So as bad as this feels, know that you do have some advantages. Yes, there is a risk here. And yes, it’s not encouraging that your husband wants to spend time away from you. But, plenty of husbands take their space and then use it to determine that they want to come home and fight for your marriage.

In My Opinion, Giving Him Space Does Increase The Chances That He’ll Make A Decision, But There Are No Guarantees: Every husband and every marriage are different. It’s very difficult to predict when or if a husband is going to finally make up his mind about the state of his marriage. But from my own experience and from those I hear about, I believe that giving him the space that he’s asked for can increase the chances that he’ll truly evaluate what he wants and will, therefore, come to a decision more quickly.

The reason for this is that he has more distance and objectivity since he’s not in your constant presence. And another consideration is that if you refuse to give him what he’s asked for, he’s going to want it that much more. And any decision that he makes (or doesn’t make) is going to be influenced by his frustration at not having what he thinks he wants.

I do understand trying to stall when a husband asks for space. There’s always the chance that he will change his mind. But in this case and in this marriage, the husband had been repeatedly asking for some distance for quite some time. He wasn’t likely to change his mind. And there was a risk that he would eventually tire of waiting and leave on his own.

So to answer the question posed, I believe that giving him space can sometimes increase the odds of him coming to a decision. But more important than that, since you’ve shown him cooperation rather than conflict, he is more likely to come to the decision that you were hoping for all along.

As I alluded to, I really didn’t want to give my husband space.  And this reluctance made things much worse for me. If I had to do it all over again, I would willingly offer up space with some boundaries built in.  I did eventually get him back.  But it took a lot more work and time.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people are very frustrated by their spouse’s lack of effort to save their marriage. Very often, they are willing to do just about everything to get their marriage back on track, but their spouse doesn’t share in this sentiment. This often leaves a feeling of confusion because it’s unclear what the best next step would be.

Someone might say: “I knew that our marriage was in serious trouble. I knew that we were going to have to do some serious work to save it. But I never expected for my husband to just leave and move out without first making an effort. I had started researching counselors or classes we could take. But he didn’t even give me any chance to put anything into place. I came home from work and found a paltry note explaining he thought that it was best if he moved out for a while. I’m so angry and disappointed. I’ve done all this work for nothing. And it’s obvious that none of my plans are going to work when he’s not even going to cooperate. What can I do now?”

I understood why this wife was so upset. I too have been in a situation where it seemed like I was the only one who cared what happened to my marriage. This is a very lonely and scary place to be. But I can also tell you that even if it seems that your husband has no interest in cooperating now, this may eventually change, especially if you take control. I’ll explain this more below.

It’s Unfortunate That Your Spouse Didn’t Make An Effort Before He Left, But You Can’t Dwell On That Now: I know that you feel a bit cheated, but you can’t let your emotions get away from you right now. Because if you do, you may place your focus in a place where it shouldn’t be. Your primary goal right now should be making sure that the lines of communication between the two of you are completely open. You want to cultivate a friendly and welcoming relationship so that you will have access to your husband. The reason for this is that I believe that you can work on (and potentially save) your marriage even during a separation and even when your spouse doesn’t have a lot of interest in this process.

But, you’re going to have a much harder time doing this if your interactions with your husband are so contentious that your relationship is quickly deteriorating. And when you place your focus on how he acted too quickly and let you down, then you make this disconnect much more likely.

So while I know that I’m asking a lot of you when I suggest that you put your frustration aside and focus instead on your relationship, I’m still making this suggestion because I believe that it’s vital to saving your marriage.

Don’t Attempt To Solve Every Problem That You Have Instantly: I understand that you feel very vulnerable right now. In fact, it’s common to believe that you are only mere weeks away from losing your husband and your marriage. But, if you rush this process, you make it more likely that you will fail.

The fact that your husband has already moved out is a good indication that he’s frustrated by all of the work that needs to be done. So, you can’t hope to sit down and talk a couple of times and then expect that you can immediately suggest that things are fine and he should come home.

You might have to accept very gradual progress right now. You may move at a frustratingly slow pace. But you know what? Often, the more slowly and steadily you move, the better the chances are going to be that your husband is actually going to believe in this change and is actually going to be convinced that it’s possible to save your marriage. If all of a sudden you come up with all of the answers overnight, he’s understandably going to be skeptical.

But, if you slowly build on small and real successes he just might slowly come around and see that the work he thought was in vain is actually effective enough to truly change your marriage.

Don’t Ask Him To “Work.” Instead Show That Any Improvements Benefit You Both: I believe that sometimes, it is all in how you package this. No one wants to be asked to do additional “work.” But everyone wants to know about something that can benefit them and make them happier. So instead of scolding your husband for not “working” on your marriage, show him with your actions and not your words that the improvements that you are making will benefit him and will make him happy. When you can show him that he’s not having to work all that hard and he’s enjoying the benefits instead, he is much more likely to cooperate.

These suggestions are born out of my own experience.  I had to use this strategy during my own separation.  Yes, this was a slow process.  But it eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read the story of our reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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