Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from couples who admit that they were very different from one another from the start.  Often, there is an expectation that they will gradually change a little to become more like the other.  And, when this doesn’t happen there can be disappointment or even a belief that they are too incompatible to stay married.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have always been opposites who attracted.  I am very free spirited.  I have the same job I had in college because I feel at home there.  I don’t need material things to be happy and I don’t need to pretend that I am someone that I am not.  I don’t care about high society or my social status.  I could live in a small, older home with the bare necessities and be very happy.  But my husband is a social climber.  Our economic status is very important to him.  He always wants for things to be bigger and better.  Lately, he has made huge strides in his job and he has started wanting to entertain to impress people at his work.  This isn’t my idea of a good time but I try very hard to put on a brave face for him.  Still, when he’s being a social climber while I’m being my down to earth self, we clash.  Things become very awkward.  The other day, we got in an argument because I didn’t want to give up yet another weekend due to his social climbing and trying to impress his higher ups at the office.  He became furious with me and said that he was no longer in love with me.  I told him that this was his anger talking and that he was completely overreacting.   He said that he wasn’t acting out of anger because he has been thinking about our differences for a long time.  He said that he assumed that when me married that I would eventually change. He thought that my laid back nature was due to my being so young.  He assumed that I would eventually become ambitious and responsible just like him.  He now says that we are incompatible and that he may want a divorce.  I am not sure what to do with this information.  Yes, we are different.  But this isn’t a deal breaker for me.  Frankly, I thought my husband would change too and mellow with age but he hasn’t changed either and you don’t see me wanting to leave him.  Is there any hope for us when we’re so different and he doesn’t believe that I can change?”

I have a definite opinion on this.  Both my husband and I had to give a little and compromise a lot to save our marriage.  We are very different people and this can cause a lot of conflict.  To work our way around this, we had to learn to embrace our differences rather than place a negative focus on them.  I will discuss this more below.

Love Shouldn’t Require Drastic Change:  One of the things that upset this wife the most was her husband’s claim that he didn’t love her or even like the person that she had always been.  This confused her because early in their relationship, he’d actually been attracted to her easy attitude.  So she was very upset that the one thing that he used to love the most was now being used against her.

I suspected that he wasn’t being truthful about no longer loving her, even if he believed this at the time. Often, what you are hearing is his frustration rather than the truth.  We often think we no longer love our spouse when the marriage isn’t paying off as it once did.  The good news is that if you can begin to repair and improve the marriage, the feelings of love will often return on its own.

Compromise Needs To Be Very Specific:  As you might already suspect, compromise is going to be the key here.  I strongly believed that there was a middle ground here that would make both people happy.  We already knew that the husband could happily live with this couple’s differences.  He had done so for many years.  It was possible that he was feeling a great deal of stress at his job, where he was always expected to perform and to impress.  And, he might have been projected that onto is wife or his marriage.

That’s why it was important for the wife to not panic and to offer to compromise.  In cases like this, you need to be very specific.  Entertaining had become a huge issue for this couple.  So a good place to start would be to agree upon how often they would entertain and what would be expected when they did.  If the wife knew that she wouldn’t have to put on airs every weekend and the husband knew that she would have a good attitude when they had guests, both people would likely feel some relief and would place less emphasis on this issue.

Finally, they needed to have experiences as a couple that actually celebrated their differences.  Perhaps the husband could take the wife on a fancy night out where she could just enjoy herself without needed to perform.  Perhaps the husband could learn to enjoy just kicking back and relaxing without any end goal in mind.  Because frankly, sometimes when opposites attract you really do get the best of both worlds.  You get to experience what you yourself lack and you get a nice balance since being married to a carbon copy of yourself would likely be very boring.

The differences that my husband initially loved about me became some of our biggest problems when our marriage fell apart.  We had to work very hard in order to celebrate those differences once more without expecting unrealistic change.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many people almost have one foot out of the door in terms of their marriage.  Often, the only thing keeping them married is either their children or their sense of obligation and honor.  In short, many people want to honor the commitment that they made a long time ago even if honoring that commitment is very difficult today.

Still, even though this is a nice idea it can be difficult to remain committed to this when your marriage has become something that makes the both of you unhappy.  Sometimes, people begin to believe that their marriage is so bad that they aren’t sure if it wouldn’t be better to just walk away.

Someone might explain: “at this point, it’s hard for me to remember a time when I was happily married.  If I am being fair, I know that there was a time that we were truly happy.  In the early days, I thought my husband was the most amazing man and I considered him to be my best friend.  However, this was so long ago that I can no longer depend on my memories.  For the past decade, our marriage has been stale, stifling, and sometimes downright infuriating.  We fight all of the time.  I would rather be with my friends than with my husband.  I go out of my way to avoid being intimate with him.  I used to think he was so funny, but now when he tries to crack a joke I just roll my eyes.  I get so tired of listening to him say the same things over and over.  Our lives have become so predictable and monotonous.  I know that he’s not happy either because he’s never in any hurry to return home from work.  I have to be honest when I say that I’m not sure that there is anything between us anymore.  Sometimes I think that our marriage is too bad to save.  I was discussing this with my mother the other day and she told me I was being overly dramatic.  She said it is not as if my husband is abusive or irresponsible.  She said that I owe it to my children to try to work things out.  My mother believes that society is going downhill because most people don’t stay together for their children.  Is she right or are some marriages just too bad to be worth saving?”

While I didn’t necessarily agree with the mother’s assessment that the problem with our current society is based on our divorce rate, I do have to admit that I believe that it’s to everyone’s benefit to save your marriage when you can.  I know that saving your marriage isn’t going to be possible in every situation, but there have been numerous studies on children of divorce and I think that most people agree that growing up in a married household is better for children.  With that said, it’s not healthy for anyone to live in an abusive or horribly unhappy household.

From what I could tell, this wife’s marriage wasn’t abusive or destructive.  It had just gone stale.  Neither spouse prioritized the relationship anymore and the result of this neglect was two people who were understandably very happy.

Unhappy And Stale Marriages Do Turn Around:  I have seen many marriages like this one come back to life with some attention and with sheer will.  I’m not going to tell you that this is an easy or quick process.  It does take work.  It takes time.  And it takes determination.  But I am living proof that even marriages which have gone far south can vastly improve so much that they no longer resemble what they once were.

The Longer Your Marriage Has Been In Trouble, The Harder You Will Have To Work And The More Patient You Will Have To Be:  As I’ve already alluded to, you will often need to have some determination and patience in order to have success, especially if your marriage has been stale for a while.  You can’t expect to miraculously fix things overnight.  It’s taken a while for things to go off track, so it is going to take a while to fix things.

With this said, you have to be very willing to look at things in new ways, to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and to be willing to see your spouse in a fair and positive way.  This isn’t always comfortable and sometimes you will feel as if you are just wasting your time.

But if you’re willing to have some faith, then the payoff is definitely there.  And I felt that there was a chance for this couple.  How did I know? Because when this wife described her husband and her marriage, she still had strong feelings.  She wasn’t yet indifferent.  She still cared enough to be frustrated and she could still remember the young man she once loved.  This alone gives you at least something to get started with.

Don’t be afraid to take action when you see things that are no longer working.  Don’t be afraid to shake things up.  This wife admitted that she and her husband had fallen into a rut.  They followed the same old patterns that now bored them both.  So they would both have to step outside of their comfort zones in order to shake things up.  But if they were willing to try this, the payoff could be great.

Don’t give up on your marriage until you give it a fair chance.  Everyone deserves a happy marriage.  Your marriage affects every aspect of your life.  And you were put on this earth to contribute and make your unique mark.  You can’t freely do this if some parts of your life are weighing you down.

The good news is that if your spouse is also unhappy, then they should be motivated to work with you to make things right again.  So to answer the question posed, it’s my opinion that even bad marriages are worth saving, except in cases of abuse or when the marriage is destructive or is unhealthy.  But getting in a rut of “falling out of love” doesn’t fall into either of those categories and can be fixed.

I am living proof of this.  My marriage got so frustrating for my husband that he left and nearly divorced me.  But I was able to learn new skills and rebuild the marriage that my husband felt was definitely over.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who are tired of feeling as if they are carrying their marriage entirely on their own shoulders without any help at all from their spouse. Often, this gets so old that you can begin to wonder for how much longer you are going to be able to take it.

I heard from a wife who said: “I feel like I am the only who pulls her own weight in my marriage. When my husband and I first met, he was romantic and he made an effort. He used to bring my flowers and he would put a lot of thought into where he would take me for our dates. If I did something nice for him, he would always notice and then he would reciprocate. If I made dinner, he would wash the dishes. He would always pick up after himself and he was just an easy person to love and to live with. Well, after about eight years he’s stopped all that. He basically just sits back and waits for me to do all of the work. Last week, he forgot our anniversary and I didn’t even get so much as a card. He leaves his dirty clothes all over the house. He never helps me with anything to do with the house or with our marriage. There is no longer any romance in him. If I want to go on a date, then I have to plan it and do everything. He no longer lifts a finger in our marriage. There is absolutely no effort on his part. I feel like I’m the only one in my marriage. And it’s a lonely place to be. If things don’t change, I don’t think I’m going to be hanging around. What can I do?” I’ll try to address these concerns below.

Before I start offering insights and tips, I want you to know that I do understand and validate your concerns. I know you might have had people tell you that the spark leaves after several years of marriage and that if you demand at least some romance or spark, you are asking too much. I very much disagree with this. When my own marriage got stale and the resentment started to build, I listened to everyone who told me that I was overreacting and I backed off and hoped for the best. I ended up separated and broken hearted, until I was able to turn things around. So I firmly believe that taking no action and hoping for the best is about the worst imaginable plan. I believe that it is best to take immediate action, while not overreacting enough to make your spouse defensive. I will discuss this more below.

Ask Yourself If The Little Things That Bother You Are Symptomatic Of A Larger Problem: Your mom or some other wise person may have already told you that fighting about leaving the toilet seat up has nothing to do with the toilet seat. Well, she’s absolutely right. Often, after disappointments and resentments have built for a while, you will notice people finding small and subtle ways to show their displeasure. They may not even realize that they are doing it. But you will often see them putting in less of an effort in every area of your marriage.

And often you will find yourself arguing about basic things like sharing chores or not making a romantic effort when those things aren’t the core of the issue at all. It is often about a loss of intimacy that manifests itself in those small housekeeping issues of your married life.

I am bringing this up because I want you to be aware that even if you come to a compromise on effort and household chores, you always also want to look at your bond and at your intimacy. Because if you are having mundane issues that are common to many marriages, it’s highly advisable to make sure that this is all there is.

Frankly, if you can restore the intimacy in your marriage and have that “in love” or even “in lust” feeling once again, little things like the dishes don’t bother you nearly as much. And, since both of you are fulfilled, you will find that your spouse actually wants to do better because he wants to keep that pay off constant.

It Always Helps To Make Him A Willing Participant Rather Than Using Negative Feedback: I know that is so tempting to point out that your husband is selfishly allowing you to carry all of the responsibilities all by yourself. The words lazy or selfish might escape your lips. But honestly, this strategy is going to make him defensive and it will make him feel unappreciated and things may even get worse. He may even pull back even more.

So the better bet is to make him want to do better with positive reinforcement. You might start by cheerfully asking him to help you with the dishes. When he does this, praise him liberally. Tell him when he helps out, it makes you remember those early days when we used to do everything as partners. You might say something like: “I miss those early days as partners. I miss the closeness we had. We’ll have to do this more often.”

At that point, if it is appropriate, you should offer him a physical connection. This just reinforces that positive reinforcement that is going to make him want to do better. You could even make a comment like “see what happens when you help me out?” It won’t take very much for him to connect the dots and figure out that helping you out is absolutely to his benefit.

Once you’re bonding and clicking again, you could playfully ask him to plan and execute a night out or weekend away. Again, you should be flirty and playful. Because this is often the most effective currency with men and it helps you both get more of what you want, which equals a happy and more equitable marriage.

As I alluded to, many people told me that I was overreacting when my husband and I began to fight about small, typical things.  But ignoring the problem lead  to a separation that almost turned into a divorce.  I had to work extremely hard to get our marriage back on track.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives have reluctantly agreed to a marital separation, but now regret it deeply.   Often, things are not turning out as they hoped and this is sometimes because their spouse is acting distant or cold.  The wives will often speculate or worry that the husband’s attitude is going to affect the outcome of their marriage.

You might hear one of these wives say: “against my better judgment, I agreed to a separation only because I worried that if I didn’t, my husband would file for a divorce.  When my husband approached me about the separation, he assured me that he still loved me and was still committed to our marriage. He said that he was sorry that it had come to this but he just felt that he needed some time to gather his thoughts and evaluate his feelings.  So I guess I took him at his word and assumed that although we might both be sad and we might struggle through the separation, we’d soldier on because that’s what we have both committed to doing. Well, my husband’s attitude is completely contradictory to this.  He seems happy and youthful since he’s moved out.  Instead of having to worry about me and the kids, he gets to go to the gym every day or he hangs out with his friends.  He looks completely well rested and at peace.  I haven’t seen him look this content in years.  And yet, the opposite is true for me.  I feel sadness, remorse, and regret every single day.  There are bags under my eyes and my shoulders sag.  I constantly worry about what is going to happen to our family in the future.  My life just feels off without my family together.  When I mentioned this contrast to my husband, he said that I am reading too much into this.  He says that I have no idea what he is feeling and that I shouldn’t begrudge him his attempt to make the best out of a difficult situation.  But I think his behavior goes beyond that.  I don’t think he’s feeling any pain or regret.  I actually think he’s relieved and happy.  And it’s just not fair.  What can I do?”

I did understand this wife’s frustration.  I felt the same way during my own separation.  I could barely pull myself out of bed each morning and then I would see him looking happy and carefree.  It made me feel quite rejected and depressed.  And frankly, it caused me to participate in behaviors that made things worse for us.  So I do have unique insights about this which may help you.  I will share them below.

Even Though The Situation Might Look Obvious, You Can’t Possibly Know What He’s Thinking Or Feeling:  I understand why it might feel like it’s obvious that he’s not feeling any pain or remorse.  But, sometimes people portray one image but feel something that is not at all in alignment with what they are projecting to the world. Sometimes, they are putting up a defense mechanism to pretend that everything is OK when it most definitely is not.   Other times, they are trying to make the best of a difficult situation.  Or, they are not totally letting you into their mindset because they don’t want to worry or confuse you.  And here is one more thing to think about.  You are often dealing with a man who is demanding his space.  So, that alone is going to tell you that he doesn’t necessarily want to be transparent about his feelings right now.  So you cannot always trust outward appearances or make unfortunate assumptions.

Frankly, It Is The Future Of Your Marriage That Matters The Most:  Here’s something that you may not have realized because you’ve never gone through this before.  But I know it to be true.  Things can change dramatically from one week to the next when you are separated.  People gain perspective and change their minds all of the time.  How he is feeling and acting today may very well change tomorrow.

Sometimes, things gradually get better as you begin to make some progress.  And sometimes, it is just going to take a while for the novelty of the separation to wear off for him.  Many husbands act like a kid in a candy store when the separation begins because suddenly they feel less responsibility and this can feel like a relief at first. But that relief often gives way to loneliness.  And this is usually when you will see his attitude and his behaviors change.

So there is really no reason to assume that just because he’s acting in a frustrating way right now, this is going to be your new reality.  My experience tells me that sometimes, you just need to give this some time and you need to understand that you might not know exactly what he’s thinking and feeling.  And, even if you do, his perceptions may well change in the near future.

As I alluded to, my husband seemed very happy in the early stages of our separation and this broke my heart.  But, I eventually learned that if I wanted to gain any ground with him, I couldn’t pressure or repeatedly question him.  And this realization probably helped me save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many folks are very disappointed with the way that their spouse is treating them while they are on a trial or marital separation.  Often, they can’t help but notice that their spouse is no longer acting like a married individual. Or, it becomes increasingly clear that the couple no longer appears to be happily married.

You might hear: “my husband has been complaining about being unhappy in our marriage for the last four months.  Because he kept harping on this with no end in sight, I finally gave in and agreed to a separation.  He presented it to me as if it was going to be a temporary thing that would only give him some time to himself. He promised that we would still do things as a family because this is important to our boys.  I took some comfort in that.  But unfortunately, his promises have not become the reality.  We are still married, but he is not acting like my husband.  We have always sat together when our children play sports.  In fact, we have our special place on the top bleacher.  If my husband arrives before me, he always saves me a seat.  He always puts his hand on my back as we’re walking out of the door.  He has always opened the door for me.  Well, now that we are separated he no longer does these things.  The other day, my son had a basketball game and my husband not only didn’t save me a seat but when I sat beside him he excused himself for the concession stand.  Not only did he not get me something like he normally would, but he came back and sat with one of our neighbors.  Then when my son begged him to go out to dinner afterward, he did but he didn’t open the door for me or touch me in any way.  I’m shocked and very upset.  When I talked about this to my friend, she said that I might be overreacting because I can’t expect him to act exactly the same when we are separated.  I don’t understand this.  He is still my husband so he should act like my husband, shouldn’t he?  Who is right?”

I guess the answer to this question would depend upon who was giving the answer.  Sometimes, the spouse who wanted the separation feels that in order to have his “space,” he should be excused from spouse like duties or from acting exactly as he has in the past.  With that said, as a wife who has gone through this, I agree with the wife.  I believe that when you are still married, you should treat your spouse in a certain way, even if you are having problems and even if you are separated.  I believe that there’s a very clear distinction between a separation and a divorce and that the intention should be very different.

With that said, in this particular scenario, it didn’t matter what I thought.  It mattered how the husband acted and how this affected the wife and the marriage.  It was possible that he was acting as he was in order to keep some distance and to maintain his space.  This is very common.  Often, separated spouses want to maintain their distance but they will take it way too far.  And the only way for them to know that they have hurt you by crossing the line is for you to bring their attention to this.

But, know that you have to be very careful to do this in the right way.  You don’t want to be so assertive that he feels defensive and distances himself from you even more. Because if this happens, it will be difficult for you to have the access that you’re going to need to improve and then save your marriage.

How to Broach This Topic In A Way That Pulls Him Closer Instead Of Pushes Him Away:  Always remember that your main goal is to maintain a good relationship so that you can eventually get him home.  If you become angry and confrontational, you make this much less likely.  So I believe it’s important to try to handle this in a light-hearted and playful way.  The next time he chooses not to sit next to his family, the wife might say “hey, what are you doing over there in no man’s land?  Our son wants to look up and see his whole family together.  Why don’t both you and the neighbor come over here and sit with us?”  If he declines, just let it go.  You don’t want to introduce more conflict.

Alternatively, you might say something like: “I couldn’t help but notice that you were a little distant at the game.  I know that this separation is sort of uncharted territory, but I hope that we can maintain our closeness as a family.  When you don’t sit next to us, that hurts.  I don’t expect for you to act as if you’re madly in love with me because I know that we’re trying to work through some issues right now.  But when I feel you pulling away from us like this, I worry about our family.  Above all else, I want to maintain a good relationship with you.  Can we work together and talk about what we both need right now to be comfortable?”

Hopefully, this will open up a dialog where the husband will see that you aren’t trying to demand certain behaviors from him.  You’re just asking for the courtesies that all husbands give to their wives, regardless of the fact that you’re working on your marriage right now.

I know how scary it feels when you feel your husband pulling away from you, especially during a separation.  Be careful that you don’t panic and cling too tightly because this can make things works.  Unfortunately, I know this from experience.  But I did eventually learn new skills in order to save my marriage.  If it helps you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many people feel a little bit guilty about their disappointment in their spouse.  Often, they feel quite superficial and vain for even thinking about it, much less bringing it up.  I’m talking about your spouse’s appearance.  This can be a very sticky issue for many marriages.  Because there’s a perception that it’s unfair to expect a person to have control over time and gravity.  And  yet, an important aspect of successful marriages is attraction and chemistry.  And it can be hard to feel these things when you no longer find your spouse as attractive as you used to.  This can be a very difficult situation when you don’t want to hurt your spouse’s feelings or appear to be insensitive.

One might explain: “when I met my husband, he was so handsome and so well put together.  He was quite the athlete and he was on our college’s football team.  He worked out all the time and took very good care of himself.  He also dressed in the latest styles.  Neither of us was rich, but he always looked well put together and smelled good.  I used to love to just look at him and I was always amazed that someone who looked like him was with me.  Well, today that feeling is no longer with me.  My husband’s appearance has dramatically changed.  He’s no longer lean and athletic.  He has put on a lot of weight.  He doesn’t even try to lose any of it.  I know that he has a stressful job and doesn’t have loads of extra time, but I think that your appearance should be a priority.  Also, he’s losing his hair.  I know that he can’t help this, but he doesn’t ever do anything to improve his appearance.  He wears suits to work because he has to.  But as soon as he gets home, he puts on ratty old sweats and he stays in them constantly.   If I should comment on this, he asks me why he has to get all dressed up to hang out at home.  He says he works hard and he deserves to be comfortable when he’s home.  I sort of see his point but what he doesn’t realize is that I’m losing my attraction for him and this is affecting our marriage.  I’m not even excited about being intimate with him anymore.  What can I do?”

This is a common situation, but it is also one that must be handled with care.  The last thing that you want to do is to hurt your spouse’s feelings or to come off as overly critical.  To some extent, none of us look exactly the same as we did when we were first married.  Time and gravity take its toll on all of us.  But, that doesn’t mean that we can’t (or shouldn’t) expect for our spouse to take some care about their appearance and to make the most of what they have.  Good grooming, careful dressing, and caring for one’s self all go a long way toward attraction.  And the good news is that often you can persuade your spouse to improve their appearance if you go about it in the right way.  I’ll outline some ways to do this below.

Know That You May Have To Join His Efforts And Offer Positive Feedback:  It would be nice to believe that you could just make a few gentle comments and then watch your spouse spring into action.  This rarely happens though.  People are generally extremely comfortable in their self-imposed comfort zones.  And they are quick to become defensive or to have hurt feelings when you suggest otherwise.  This is why you will often have more success if you can make this process fun and join him.  You could tell him that you want to look your best for him and are joining a gym. Then you can invite him to join you by telling him that he is one of the most athletic people you know and you’d love to see him lean and strong again.

You could also come home with some clothes and proclaim that you saw the items and immediately thought of him.  You could describe how nice the colors go with his skin tone and hair color.  You could offer to book an appointment at your own salon and make it a fun outing.  The biggest thing that you want to remember is that any time he takes some initiative and does what you are trying to get him to do, you must praise him generously.  You must tell him how wonderful he is starting to look and how sexy you find it.  You could tell him that his new muscles remind you of your early days when things were so good between you.

In short, you need to make him want to improve for you because he knows that the payoff is there.  In this way, you are getting what you want and you are improving the relationship.  You always want to be very careful not to make him think that you’re no longer attracted to him because then he will shut down and will be very unlikely to make any change.  So you need to offer him your company or some incentives in order for him to be enthusiastic about this.

I want to stress that you aren’t wrong for wanting the attraction and the spark in your marriage.  This is very important.  I wish I had paid more attention when my husband started dropping hints in this regard.  I assumed that he would hang in there because he loved and was committed to me.  But I lost sight of how important excitement is in a relationship.  And this almost cost us our marriage.  I was able to save my marriage and restore it to a very satisfying place, but not without a lot of work.  This could have all been avoided if I had just paid attention in the first place. If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many wives feel their husbands slipping away from them for various reasons.  Some of the more common reasons is either a waning attraction to his wife or a growing attraction to someone else.

Someone might explain: “our marriage has been on shaky ground for the past eight months or so.  I admit that I’ve been overwhelmed being a mother to twins and I haven’t paid as much attention to myself or to my marriage.  The other day, we were at a sporting event and I saw my husband very obviously and openly gawking at the cheerleaders.  It made me so annoyed that I had to say something.  So I said ‘wow, I’m sitting right here.  You would think if you were going to gawk at other women, you’d wait until I went to the bathroom or concession stand.’  He responded that he had no choice but to look lately because he wasn’t getting much stimulation at home.  I let it go in front of the kids.  But later that night, I asked him what he meant about his snide comments.  He wouldn’t elaborate and tried to apologize.  I then asked him very directly if he thinks about or fantasizes about other women. He said that he’s a man and that’s what men do.  I pressed a little further and eventually my husband admitted that there are a few women at work that he’s attracted to.  He swore that he would never act on this, but said that maybe this is because our physical relationship has cooled. He said there are temptations at his job.  This hurt my feelings and made me angry.  Because if he had to stay home with two babies every day, I doubt he would be dressed to the nines or would look his best.  What am I supposed to do with this information?”  I’ll try to address this concern in the following article.

Although This May Hurt, Know That His Telling You About This Is A Good Sign:   I know that it was hard for the wife to hear this revelation. It hurts to hear this and it’s only natural to feel defensive or to suspect that your husband is trying to set up an eventual affair or infidelity.  But most men who have the intention of cheating (or who actively are cheating) don’t go around telling their wives that they are attracted to other women. They just keep silent and go right ahead and help themselves.

So the fact that he is bringing your attention to this is actually a positive thing because it indicates that he is hoping that the two of you can work through this before anything negative happens.  He wouldn’t make this admission if he didn’t want for you to take some action. And if he really was planning on cheating, he wouldn’t want to get your suspicions up, which he has already done.

As Busy And As Stressed As You Are, You Should Always Make Every Attempt To Prioritize Your Marriage:  As unfair as it is, the years after you have children is a time where your marriage can be very vulnerable.   And although this vulnerability is natural when you have the least time for yourself and for your marriage, it is sometimes when your marriage is going to need some extra attention. It’s very normal to feel that your spouse is expecting too much and should understand that you are being pulled in every direction.  But even if this is the case,  it doesn’t keep him from feeling what he’s experiencing right now. Whether his feelings or right, wrong, justified or not justified, denying the existence of them doesn’t do either of you any good.

I know that your marriage can seem like just one more task you have to cross off of your list.  But look at it this way.  Your children won’t always be this young.  Your children are meant to be independent one day.  But your spouse will hopefully always be there.  And you need to nurture that relationship as much as you nurture the family relationship.   Additionally, your marriage is the one on which your children will base their own marriages, so you want to cultivate a relationship where both parents desire and love one another.  This wife and her husband still loved one another, but the desire was slipping. So that is where the attention had to be turned.

Easy Ways To Cultivate Attraction And Desire:  I don’t want it to sound like I’m blaming any of this on the wife because I absolutely am not.  But it’s normal to lose your confidence a little when you are a new mom.  And do you know what men find more attractive than anything else?  It’s not always the way that you look.  Men often comment that they love the way their wife looks after a work out with absolutely no makeup on her face.  What men love are confidence and enthusiasm.   You may not think that you look your best, but if you are an enthusiastic partner and you portray confidence, he will likely find you much more attractive than you think.  The key is to set it up so that you enjoy what you are doing so that you can feel good about yourself.  If you are enjoying yourself, he is much more likely to find you desirable because of the positive feedback that he is experiencing.  Don’t be so overwhelmed that you don’t reach out to your husband.   He should be your support right now.

So to answer the question posed, although I don’t think that you should panic about this, I do think that you should pay attention and do everything in your power to bring back the intimacy and the spark at home.  A man who is fulfilled at home will have no reason to feel anything for other people and that includes the women at his office.

I wish I had paid more attention when my own husband expressed issues with our marriage.  I blindly hoped that things would work out, not realizing that my lack of attention would almost cost me my marriage.   It took a lot of backtracking in order to save my marriage but I was eventually very successful.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives don’t know what to think about their husband’s behavior during a marital separation.  Often, when the wife tries to get a read on how things are going or whether the husband might be thinking about coming home, she doesn’t get a straight answer.  Instead, she gets a husband who is frustratingly evasive.  And this often leaves her wondering if she’s wrong to hold out any hope or if she is just wasting her time.

Someone might explain: “my husband and I have been separated for almost two months.  I think that this is more than enough time for him to come to a decision about what he wants to do about our marriage.  He asked me for space and I gave it to him.  But he seems no closer to committing to me and our marriage than he was right before the separation.  Because I am tired of waiting, I’ve taken to asking him very directly about what he plans to do.  I’ll say things like ‘so where do you plan to live next month?’  Or ‘how do you feel about me today?’  I never get a straight answer.  He’ll say something like ‘I’m still evaluating.’ Or ‘honestly, my feelings are still all over the place.  I just don’t know.’  This makes me so angry.  If he knows that our marriage is over or that he no longer feels anything for me, I wish he would have the courage to just say it.  Instead, it’s like he’s going out of his way to stall or to not give me an honest answer.  Why would he do this?  And how can I get him to stop?”

This is a very common concern.  Very often, wives hope that once they give their husband his space, he will realize how much he misses and loves her and will want to come home and save the marriage in record time.  When this doesn’t happen, they assume the worst and then they pressure or aggressively question their husband, which can cause the situation to deteriorate even further.

I know that you want and deserve answers.  But I also know from experience that you’re much more likely to have success if you turn down the negativity and the pressure.  In the following article, I’ll outline what I believe is the best strategy in this situation.

If He Won’t Answer Your Questions, Try Abandoning Them For A While.  Or Think About Phrasing Them In Another Way:  When you feel that your marriage is on the line, it’s very easy to keep trying strategies that have already shown themselves not to work.  The reason for this is that you’re so panicked that common sense leaves you.  And, you’re so intent on needing these answers that you are determined to get them by any means necessary.

Here’s what you need to remember.  The more you apply the pressure, the more he is going to get frustrated and defensive.  And the more impatient you are, the more likely you make it that he’s going to tell you that if you are so intent on an answer, then he’s going to have to decide on a negative answer simply because you couldn’t wait.

I know how this feels.  But frankly, I learned that it was better to give him more time so that I could still hold out at least some hope than to push and all but ensure that because of my insistence on an answer, his response would be that we should just stay apart.

I know that the delay just makes this situation feel worse.  But honestly, what would be even worse than the scenario now is him saying that he wants to make the separation to be permanent or that he wants a divorce.  If you have to wait a little longer to avoid this, then I think that it’s worth that.

Some wives understand my approach, but they admit that they just are not going to be able to stop asking for a status.  If this is your situation, I would suggest trying to distract yourself when the urge hits you.  And if you can’t do that, then you might want to rephrase the questions so that they sound more positive. So instead of saying things like “so have you decided when you’re going to come back home?, perhaps you’d say “have you made any progress since you’ve had some time away?” ”  Or instead of “have you sorted out your feelings about me and the marriage?,” you might try “are things any more clear to you now? Or are you still evaluating?”

The way that you deliver this message is vital. You do not want to sound accusatory or impatient.  You don’t want to phrase this so that it sounds like a demand.  Because it’s so hard to say these words and to make them come out sounding supportive and right, I do suggest just remaining positive when you’re around him and backing off on the questions, knowing that when he’s ready to share his feelings, he will.  Or that alternatively, when things have improved so dramatically between you that he’s ready to come home, then this will be obvious.

As I alluded to, pressuring my husband for straight answers only made him give me the answer that I didn’t want – that he had no intention of coming home.  Even worse, my negativity made him avoid me.  So, I had a lot of ground to makeup and it was difficult.  I finally find a strategy to get him home, but not before I made many mistakes.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives who are concerned about the changes that they are witnessing in their husbands.  Unfortunately, these changes often affect the way that the wife feels about her husband and about her marriage.

One might explain: “my husband as he is today is unrecognizable to me. He is not the man I married.  When I met my husband, he was a loving, laid back person who enjoyed his family and the simple things in life.  We met in college and it seemed that we always had plenty of time to spend together.  He made me his highest priority and I did the same.  When we got married, money was very tight as my husband was in graduate school and I supported us both.  At the time, we felt that we were really struggling but when I look back on that time now, I see that it was the happiest time of our marriage.   We would keep the nights unscheduled so that we could just spend time with one another.  Even when our children were born, we loved walking to parks after dinner and just savoring family time.  This is the man I loved, but my husband isn’t that man anymore.  Today, he’s a very successful executive and I am proud of his accomplishments. And, his success means that I can stay home with our children.  But he no longer seems to value family the way that he once did.  He’s in the office constantly.  I don’t even think he could tell you my children’s teacher’s names.  He’s not involved in the small details of their lives.  My husband’s commitment to us was what I loved the most about him.  But now we come second.  He’s impatient.  He’s abrupt and his life is always about making his clients happy.  He’s not the soft-spoken, calm and loving guy I fell for.  What can I do? I don’t like the person he’s become.  If I met him like he is today, I would never have gone out with him in the first place.”

Know That Your Husband Might See It Differently: This is a very common and legitimate complaint. Interestingly enough, Men on the other side of this scenario and they will tell you that working and providing for their family is their way of showing love.  They will also often tell you that they feel a great deal of pressure and stress at being solely responsible for the family’s financial well being, especially in today’s economy.  If you spend some time talking to these husbands, they do appear extremely sincere.  They often aren’t aware of how much their absence is hurting their family.  And usually, they are feeling pressure from both sides.  Their family wants them home more. But their office wants them to work more. And the office signs their paychecks.  So they can feel as if they are getting pulled in different directions. The good news is that often a compromise can be made.  I’ll discuss this more below.

Find Ways For You Both To Give A Little Bit In Order To Get A Lot Of Relief:  Husbands are usually resistant to drastically cutting down their workload because they fear retaliation at the office or they worry about being passed over for promotions.  So asking him to be home much more is probably not the best first demand to make.  Usually, you will have more success if you can ease him into it.  At first, you might have more luck if you ask him to give you a certain amount of his undivided attention each week.  How you phrase this request is vitally important.  You have to be very careful that you don’t sound like you’re accusing him of being a bad father or husband.  Although his shortcomings may be undeniable, he isn’t going to motivated to do better if he feels as if he’s being punished or criticized. Instead, you want to inspire him to want to do better.

So, a suggested script might be something like: “is this a good time for us to talk?  Do you have about ten minutes?  I want to talk to you about spending more quality time with our family.  The kids really miss you and your absence is affecting them.  I know that you have work obligations and I’m not asking you to ignore them.  But maybe we could agree that two nights per week, you would come right home from work and we could hit the park like we used to.  We miss those carefree family outings so much.  Our marriage and our family need that time. I feel like we’re not quite as close as we used to be and I think that more time together would help.  I need to see more of that patient, loving man I adored.  It’s hard for me to see him when you’re hurried and juggling work even when you’re home with us.  Can we have just a couple of hours of your undivided attention per week? I promise you wouldn’t regret it.”

This really isn’t too much to ask and many husbands would agree.  It’s important that you praise him when he does come through.  It’s very important that he sees how much happier you are and how much these small efforts are paying off for all of you.  And, when you do schedule these outings, may sure you choose things that allow him to be the gentle and loving man you know him to be.  The park is a perfect choice, but also family amusement parts or special events would allow him to relax and to resort back to his true personality.

It’s important that you don’t ignore this.  I didn’t take immediate action when I noticed my husband and I drifting apart.  We eventually separated and almost divorced.  Fixing the rift between us was more difficult than just dealing with the problem in the first place would have been. I did eventually save my marriage but I truly believe that our problems were avoidable.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have just been hit with the hard reality that their husband is downright unhappy (or even miserable) with their marriage.  This is often a blow that they never saw coming.  And they are often confused about the best way to deal with the issue.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been married for eight years and we have two kids.  I realize that the passion between us isn’t as strong as it was when we first got married.  But I’m reasonably content and I thought that he was too.  Last night, he confessed that he’s pretty miserable being married to me.  He says that I’m an unhappy person in general and that I bring him down.  He said that he’s telling me this because he wants to be honest with me.  I was somewhat floored.  I realize that we don’t have the best marriage, but he never seemed completely miserable like he is now claiming to be.  I called my mom and we discussed this.  She said that I’d better make some changes fast because no man is going to stay forever in a miserable situation, no matter how much he loves his children.  She said he would find someone else if he hasn’t already. And she confirmed that I’m occasionally moody and hard to deal with. What should I do?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

When Things Are Somewhat Calm, Ask Your Husband For Specifics:  I agreed that the wife needed to address this issue as soon as was possible.  However, it was going to be hard to really fix things if she didn’t have a firm handle on what was wrong.  Her husband had told her generally that he was miserable but other than her sometimes pessimistic attitude, he hadn’t identified specific things that were contributing to his unhappiness.

So when things are somewhat calm, I’d suggest approaching him with a script that goes something like: “I want to follow up on what we discussed yesterday.  Yes, it hurts me to hear you say that you’re not happy, but I’m more concerned about fixing the issue.  Is there any way that you can share with me what I can do to make you feel more positive about our marriage?  I am willing to take action and to make some changes, but I don’t want to guess at what are the right ones.  What bothers you the most?  What could I do to help you feel the most content?

You may not get an answer to every single question because men sometimes speak in general terms about hurtful topics such as this.  But hopefully, after this conversation is over, you will have a better idea of what changes would be most effective.

Don’t Expect The Worst.  Don’t Allow Fear To Influence Your Behaviors:  This wife’s mother was feeding her all kinds of doom’s day scenarios.  There was no evidence that another woman was involved or even that another person would eventually come into the picture.  Sure, an unhappy man may not stick around forever.  But I believe that the husband brought her attention to the problem because he wanted to give her a chance to fix it. A man with one foot out of the door won’t often give you this kind of heads up.  The fact that he was trying, to be honest, was, at least to me, somewhat of a good sign.

This wife admitted that she tended to have a pessimistic attitude when she was under stress.  So it would be very easy for her to just give into that right now.  But, I felt strongly that she should avoid this at all costs.  Fear will cause you to be paranoid and to act in negative ways that will only make this worse.

Be very conscious of having the most positive attitude that you can muster.  Because your husband has already pretty much told you that he’s looking for a more upbeat outlook at home.  He’s already told you that you are bringing him down.  So you’re going to have to resist the urge to worry too far into the future.   The better bet is to take each day as it comes with a smile on your face.  I know that this probably isn’t in your nature.  And I know that it may feel forced at first.  But often, forcing yourself to focus on the positive will make you feel better and will bring about a natural, and genuine, shift in your attitude.  This can only make your situation better instead of worse.

I’d like to make one final point.  I know that it’s very tempting to want to defend yourself.  But this can lead you to become so abrasively defensive that your husband feels that he needs to debate this.  I know that it might be tempting to tell him that living with him is no picnic either and that he expects way too much out of you when you’re trying to raise your children and take care of everyone but yourself.

But now is not the time to debate this.  Your goal right now should be to improve things at home so much that the danger has passed.  You want to bond and become deeply intimate again.  Once your marriage is back on track, you can discuss and work through any issues you may have.  But right now, you don’t want to add to the misery he believes that he’s feeling.  You don’t want to do anything to contribute to the perception that things are really as bad as he thinks.

Also, it’s important to keep this in perspective.  Sometimes, he’s unhappy in other areas in his life and he’s projecting this onto you.  As unfair as that is, right now you are better off just trying to support him and keep an upbeat attitude rather than pointing out what you think might be his obvious misperceptions.

I will admit that when my husband approached me with issues about our marriage, I dismissed him and defended myself.  I wish I had taken swift action instead because we almost divorced.  It took me quite a while to change his mind about splitting up and to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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