Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are very afraid that they are never going to be able to get back together with the husband that they still love. This can be very frustrating when you know in your heart that your husband still loves you and that your marriage might stand a chance if it weren’t for other people who are trying to interfere in your life. This is especially true if the people who are interfering are part of your husband’s family.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband’s family has never liked me. They have always given me the impression that they think that they are better than me. It’s true that I don’t have an ivy league education or a country club family but I’m smart and successful. I work very hard for what I have and I love their son. From the beginning of our marriage, his parents have interfered with our lives. My husband is very close with his parents so he happily put up with this. They have made it clear all along that they didn’t think I was treating their son fairly. They felt that my having a high stress job and leaving some of the child care responsibilities to him made me selfish. They also found out that we’ve been to counseling because we aren’t always compatible. In fact, things got so bad between us that my husband moved out and we became separated. I’ve grown a lot during the separation. And I now realize that I sometimes took my husband for granted. We’ve had a lot of discussions about this and we are getting closer all of the time. I thought that we were making real progress until the other night when my husband said ‘my parents are going to freak out if we get back together because they think I’ve finally come to my senses. I don’t want for think to think that I’ve lost my mind again.’ I was stunned. I know that his parents don’t like me, but I didn’t think that he cared this much about their opinion. What if him caring so much keeps us from getting back together?”

This was a difficult situation because the wife conceded that she had made some costly mistakes. But she was also insistent that she was committed to changing, making things right, and treating her husband how he deserved to be treated. In the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to best handle it.

Understand That If You Prove Yourself To His Parents Over Time, They Will Often Come To Accept You And The Marriage: This couple had young children. So the wife had come to understand why her husband’s parents were so protective. No one wants to stand by and see their child be hurt or taken advantage of. And while the husband’s parents were pushy and meddlesome, the wife could clearly see that their intentions were out of love for their child.

The good news here is that often, if you show them that you have changed over time. , they will come to accept you. Sure, it may take a while. And yes, you will often have to show them with your actions instead of your words. But often, once they see that their son is happy and that the marriage agrees with him, they will usually accept and embrace the person who is making their son and their grandchildren happy. This is just human nature, despite the reservations that they may have had in the beginning.

Consider Having A Heartfelt Discussion With Everyone Involved: This situation was bothering the wife a great deal and yet, she hadn’t had a frank conversation with anyone. The first conversation should probably be with the husband. She might say something like: “I understand that you’re concerned about your parents. I don’t want their disapproval either. But I think that if we just move forward and they see us being happy, they will eventually accept it. I don’t have any intention of giving them anything to be unhappy about. I am confident that I can prove to them and to you that your trust isn’t misplaced. And, at the end of the day, it is our marriage and it is our decision. It isn’t any one else’s choice to make.”

Another option might be to have a frank discussion with the parents. If you think that they might be rude or if you fear that you might get confrontational, then it’s probably better to wait rather than to make things worse. But if you are confident that everyone can remain calm, you might say something like: “you know, there’s some concern about how you will feel if we reconcile. I can’t control how you feel, but I want to assure you that I have made some real changes and I believe that these changes will mean that we have a strong marriage and a happy family. Because that’s really all I want and I know that you want that too. I know that you have no reason to believe me until you see for yourself. But I just wanted to reassure you that I really do intend to make your son happy. And I know that his happiness is what we both want.”

Having this conversation may not change the parents’ minds immediately, but at least it will clear the air and set the stage. Now it was up to the wife to make good on her promises. If she did that, then they shouldn’t have anything to complain about or any reason to judge.

My husband’s parents were always supportive, even when we separated.  But, he did have some friends who were pressuring him to get a divorce.  I had to use these same tactics to overcome this.  Eventually, we did save our marriage and now we have everyone’s support.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s very normal for a separated wife who is still committed to her marriage to look for any advantage that she can get to give herself a chance to get her husband back.  It’s not unusual for the wife to look to sex to give her an edge.  And you can’t really blame her for this.  I know first hand that when you fear loosing your husband or your marriage, you’re often willing to take whatever advantage you can get, no matter how slight.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for about seven weeks.  My greatest hope is that one day he will decide that it’s time to come home.  His behavior is all over the place right now.  Some days he is actually receptive to me and he flirts.  Other days, he seems to want to have nothing whatsoever to do with me.  We have go out together and sometimes things have gotten kind of steamy between us at the end of the night.  I will try to make advances toward him and he will always push me away and say that we shouldn’t be having sex when we are separated.  He says that this will just confuse things.  I feel differently. I feel that if we are having sex, then that will bond us and we will have a better chance of getting back together.  So I admit that I have been trying to seduce my husband because I feel like once we do have sex, then he will want to have it again and this will lead to reconciliation.  But no matter what I wear, say, or do, he seems very determined to keep me away.  How do I get him to have sex with me?”

I will answer this question in just a little while, but before I do, I have to be honest and say that although I completely understand this wife’s mind set, I don’t think that this strategy is the best one. Believe me when I say that I understand wanting to use whatever you can to lure him back.  I have been there.

Why This Strategy Can Cause More Trouble Than It Is Worth: Having sex as a means to reconcile is really just a temporary band aid that often causes more problems than it solves.  Here’s why.   You’re not doing anything to address the issue that lead to the separation in the first place.  Yes, you are creating a sense of intimacy and closeness when you have sex, but if the emotional intimacy is not behind it, then it is a facade.  In the morning, you will look at one another, feel awkward, and wonder what happens now when you have not laid any new framework or made any improvements.  Now you have this issue between you in addition to the others that are already piling up.

Why It’s So Much Better To Reconcile Emotionally Before You Pick Up Your Physical Relationship:  When the thing that you fear losing it right in front of you, it’s natural to want to lay claim on it.  And you likely feel that having sex with your husband will help you to, at least in a sense, reclaim him.  But you already know that he has doubts about this.  So you also must know that his heart may not be truly in it even if you are successful and you get him to have sex with you.  Sure, he may be caught up in the moment, but he may have serious regrets the next day and, because of the awkwardness or the fact that he might assume that you’re going to think that the sex means you’re getting back together, he may start to just avoid you altogether.  And suddenly you have problems larger than just getting physical with him.

 The Most Efficient Way To Start Having Sex Again:  I know that this is going to sound cliche.  But honestly, the best way to get him to want to have sex with you (and in the right way) is to start to heal the emotional distance between you.  Build a new foundation.  Seriously address your problems.  Build on the progress that you are making gradually so that it actually lasts. And only when you have made progress that you both know the time is right should you have sex.  Because at that time, you will both be willing participants who are doing this because you know the it is an extension of your healthy relationship.  You want for your husband to willingly want to have sex with you, not just because he is caught up in the moment but because having sex is an extension of the love and respect that is part of your now healthy and healed marriage.

I know that this is probably not what you want to hear.  But I am saying it because I really want for you to have the best chance of healing your marriage for good, and not only for a little while.  I want for you to reconcile because you identified and fixed your problems and not just because you were able to act on physical impulses that have nothing to do with improving your marriage.

I considered relying on this strategy when my husband and I were separated, but honestly, he wasn’t receptive to this.  He kept a certain distance away from me.  So I had to heal the emotions first and now I am glad that I did.  Because not only was I able to save my marriage but it has lasted because of it.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, after your husband moves out, you spend a lot of time thinking about whether (and when) he will return. You might even spend a decent amount of time thinking about what you can do to get him home sooner rather than later. Sometimes, this whole thing doesn’t go as you planned and his return gets delayed.  Still, you learn to cope and adjust. Eventually, when he announces that he wants to come back, you aren’t quite sure how you should react.

I heard from a wife who said: “about three months ago, my husband decided that he wasn’t happy and that he wanted to move out for a while. I begged him not to do this. I knew that this would be upsetting to our children and I felt that we could work out our issues without him needing to leave. He wouldn’t listen to me and eventually, he did move out. At first I was scared and I constantly called him and tried to concoct ways to get him to come home. I saw the negative impact this was having on my kids and I wanted to get him home as soon as possible. He was receptive to me, but he resisted. Eventually, I got tired of this process and I became angry. And I took a break from trying to get him back and I focused on myself and on my children. I was resentful that he would leave us. Well, of course once I quit begging him to come home, now a few weeks later he calls me and announces that he wants to come home. I know that I should be excited. And in my heart, I do want him to come home. But I guess I’m having a hard time getting passed my anger. I would never tell him that he can’t come home. But I just don’t know what happens now.”

Well, honestly, what happens now is really up to you. Believe it or not, you do have more say than you might think. But before you make a decision based on emotions, it’s important to stop and ask yourself what you really want. And frankly, you can make this work for you rather than against you. Because right now, you have a chance to essentially start over and design the marriage that you truly want and deserve.

Ask Yourself What You Really Want Moving Forward: This wife had every right to be a bit angry and resentful. However, when it comes to far reaching decisions such as this one, you really shouldn’t allow your emotions to cloud your decision. At a time when you’re calm, it helps to sit down and ask yourself what you really want. And what this wife had always wanted was to keep her family together.

But, she also wanted a marriage that worked for both people. She wanted to set it up so that she and her husband would approach one another and work through their problems before things became so bad that one of them wanted to leave. Nothing said that she couldn’t have both things, but in order to check off both boxes she would need to have an open dialog with her husband before he returned home.

Although You Likely Want Your Husband To Come Home As Soon As Possible, It’s Best To Lay A Foundation First: It’s very tempting to want to tell your husband to come right home, to fall into his arms, and to promise one another that you will never speak of this time period again. After all, this has been very painful. It’s so tempting to close the book on this time in your marriage and to never look back.

And, it might be easier to just ignore the obvious. But as easy as that might be, you have to know that it’s not the best choice. Until you identify, address, and then fix the issues that lead you to the separation in the first place, you leave yourself vulnerable for these issues to keep cropping up so that they eventually damage your marriage so much that the separation becomes permanent.

So as difficult as it might be, it can be helpful and healthy to spend some time talking and coming up with compromises and a workable plan before he comes home.

A suggested script for this would be something like: “you know that I have been wanting you to come back home since you left. I am still committed to our marriage and of course I want for you to come back home. But before that happens, I think that we need to talk about what went wrong. I don’t want for us to make the same mistakes. I want for our marriage to last and I want for us to both be happy. I think that we should consider counseling or at least we should commit to learning how to manage our issues in more productive ways. I think that we should at least commit to going out to dinner once a week and discussing what has worked for our marriage that week and what hasn’t. That way, we can identify and work on our most problematic issues so that they don’t separate us again. Can you commit to doing this? Because the next time, I don’t want for either of us to solve our problems by leaving.”

In this way you are getting what you really want (which is him coming home,) but you are also working hard to minimize the risk that you are going to have to deal with this again.  By the time my husband moved back home, we’d already spent quite a bit of time working on our issues.  And I wasn’t sure if we were working on them just to maintain our friendship or if it was going to be possible to save our marriage.  In the end, we got back together and I have never been so relieved as the day my husband moved back in.  But I don’t think we would have made it if we hadn’t done a lot of work first.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, I hear from wives who are confused and frustrated by well meaning reassurances that they receive when they are separated or dealing with a husband who has left them. Often, they aren’t sure if they are hearing sincere comments or if these comments are just an attempt to say anything – no matter how untrue – just to make them feel better.

Common comments are things like: “my husband left me and we have been living apart and separated for about six weeks.  At first, I hoped that this was a phase and that my husband would be back in only a few days. I didn’t even tell people for a couple of weeks because I just assumed that this would be over soon.  After several weeks, it became obvious that I was probably going to need to tell some of our closest friends. And when I do, they always say ‘oh, he’ll come back. I know that he will.’  At first, this was comforting to me, but now that everyone is saying it, I’m starting to question it more.  Why does everyone assure me that he’s going to come back when most haven’t even talked to my husband and they don’t even know the situation?  Are people just trying to be nice?  Are they only trying to make me feel better all the while they’re thinking in the back of their mind that my marriage is over?”  I’ll try to address these concerns below.

Many People Who Love You Will Try To Put A Positive Spin On Your Situation: I have to admit that when I was separated, almost everyone assured me that things would be OK.  However, I did have some very close friends who started to be more honest with me as the months started to go by.  In this case though, we were only talking about weeks instead of months.  It wasn’t yet time to start to look at things in a negative light.  And yes, people who care about you are going to try to look at this as positively as possible because they care about you and they want for things to work out. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that they are insincere. This means that they care and they want to lighten your load.  Put yourself in their shoes for a minute.  You’d probably do the same, especially if you didn’t know the particulars and you thought that the relationship was a good one.

Some People Will Base Reassurances On Their Perception Of Your Relationship: Sure, some people are just trying to be nice and are just trying to make you feel better or spare you pain.  But others probably thought that they saw real love between you and your husband.  And they thought that they were witnessing a strong and healthy relationship. So, as most people will, they assume (and hope) that love will prevail in the end.

And some people aren’t basing this only on their perception of your relationship, but also on their perception of your husband. It could be that some are responding to their belief that he’s not the type of guy who would leave you for the long term.  Perhaps they assume that he just needs a little time and space before he will realize that he truly doesn’t want to end your marriage and that he needs to come home and work things out. Of course, the only people who truly know what is going on in your marriage is the two of you, which leads me to my next point.

Why The Only Opinions That Should Matter Are Yours And His: It’s nice to have people who care and who can offer you reassurance.  But at the end of the day, the only person who knows what your husband is thinking and what his intentions are is your husband.  And the only two people who know what issues are keeping him from coming home are the two of you.

The truth is, when it comes to your marriage, other people’s opinions really don’t matter.  Sure, it feels good to hear some assurances. But what other people think doesn’t influence the reality of the situation unless you use these opinions to take some action.   And it is nice that people are assuming the best.  It’s my opinion that it really doesn’t help to assume the worst when someone leaves.  Plenty of couples survive this.  And some use it to improve and rework their marriage so that they are both happier and more fulfilled.

He may well be planning to come back or he may not yet have come to a decision, but will eventually come back anyway.  He is the only one who is aware of what he is feeling.  In the meantime though, I would be grateful for the support of well meaning friends and I would lean on those who care about me.  I resisted this type of support during my own separation and I became isolated and a bit depressed, which only made things worse. I think that sometimes it’s better to take the support for what it is and to place your focus on fixing the problem and improving things between you so that your friends all turn out to be right in their assumption that he truly is coming back.

As I alluded to, I really did isolate myself during my own separation.  Once I realized that I needed and should except support, things got much better.   If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated wives who are so tired of living in limbo during their separation.  Usually, they had hoped that by now the separation would have been over and that they would be working closely with their husband to save their marriage.  Often, this is not the reality.  Instead, the husband still isn’t home and he may be giving the wife mixed signals or very little hope that things are going to get any better. Much of the time, she tries very hard to be patient.  She hopes for the best and thinks that if she just loves him long enough and waits patiently enough, then this will pay off and eventually he will come back.  When this doesn’t happen, sometimes there are some not so subtle hints or thoughts that it’s time to move on.  Often, the wife doesn’t even begin to know how to do this.

I heard from a wife who said: “I have been separated from my husband for about four months at his insistence. I did not want a separation.  I still don’t.  And I absolutely don’t want a divorce.  But my husband isn’t giving me any hope that he is going to come back anytime soon.  With that said, he hasn’t made any move to file for divorce and says he doesn’t plan to. I’m glad that there isn’t a divorce in the works, but it’s obvious that our marriage isn’t going to pick up where it left off any time soon.  My life is kind of on hold.  I don’t go out.  I don’t  have any fun.  I basically am just waiting for him to come to a decision. My friends all say that I need to move on but I don’t think I’m ready. I’m still very invested in my husband and I don’t want to see anyone else.  Do I have to move on.  And if so, how do I ever begin to do it?”

I couldn’t tell this wife if she had to move on.  Only she could make that decision.  But it is my opinion that you can still move on with your life in such a way that doesn’t jeopardize your marriage or give up your hopes that this will turn around.  I will discuss this more below.

You Can Move On With Your Own Goals And Focus On Your Own Well Being Without Giving Up On Your Marriage:  I couldn’t say with any certainty what this husband was thinking.  He may well have been biding his time until he went ahead and filed for divorce.  Or, he may just have needed more time before he could come to a decision.  Only he knew what the truth was.

The thing is, people often assume that if they move on, they must let go of their marriage or they must give up.  I could not disagree more. I was in this situation once upon a time and I can tell you that you can very much pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on with what you need to do while still giving your husband more time.

My separation lasted for much longer than I ever dreamed that it would.  Friends and family were very gently telling me that the writing was obviously on the wall.  They told me that I needed to start dating again and move on with my life.  Eventually, I decided that I did need to pick up the pieces of my life but I was clear on the fact that I wasn’t ready to date again.

I did take a class that I hadn’t had time for while my attention was on my husband.  I did pick up old hobbies.  I reconnected with friends.  In short, I tried to get myself out of my depression and out of my funk.  I knew that even if I didn’t want to get out of the house, I would feel much better once I did. I didn’t date other people.  But I did go out with many different friends, including some men who were platonic friends who were fun to be around.

This did lift me up and make me feel more in control of my own life.  Also, it made the time go by faster while I was in theory waiting on my husband to decide what he wanted to do.

And frankly, I do believe this ultimately made me more attractive to him. Because it was suddenly clear that I was no longer hanging on his every whim.  I was living my own life on my own terms.  It was always very clear that I still wanted our marriage and that I was still committed, but this shift changed the way that I approached the whole thing.  And I think that it ultimately made our marriage much stronger when we reunited.

Take Baby Steps If You Have To:  I understand that when you make a habit of waiting or of isolating yourself, this can be a hard and perhaps painful habit to break.  It can feel as if you are giving up. It’s important that you understand that you aren’t.  You can still have exactly the same hopes and dreams for your marriage even if you are no longer treading water.

If this still seems intimidating, start small.  Tell yourself that you will get out of the house for two days a week at first.  Perhaps you will just power walk, ride your bike, or do something physical to relieve stress.  After that goes well, commit to seeing friends.  Or consider doing something that you know you will enjoy but have been putting off.  Believe it or not, now is a good opportunity to focus on yourself so that if your husband becomes ready to focus on your marriage, you will be ready too.

I know that moving on and getting yourself out of the house can be counter intuitive at first.  But honestly, as long as you make it clear that you are still committed to your marriage, I really don’t see the harm.  It will make you feel better and it will often improve your situation, at least that was the case with me.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are nearly desperate for a resolution to their marital separation. But for whatever reason, their spouse seems to be reluctant to come to a final decision.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for about four months. I have always hoped that we would find a way to work things out. I never wanted the separation in the first place. He was the one who was unhappy. I tried very hard to talk him out of moving out. But he insisted and now we are separated. For the last several weeks, I have asked my husband what he has decided in regards to our marriage. We are getting along OK, but he hasn’t made any effort to move back home or file a divorce. It is like we are in limbo. So I asked him if he is going to end the separation or if he is going to file for divorce. He says that he doesn’t know what he is going to do and that he doesn’t have any immediate plans. This makes me very frustrated. It is almost like he hopes that I get will get tired of waiting and will go ahead and end the separation by initiating a divorce. This isn’t what I want. But I’m also tired of waiting. It seems clear to me that he hopes that the separation will just resolve on it’s own. He’s obviously not willing to make a decision. What can I do now?”

This is a tough call. Because often if you rush or pressure your husband, the result is not going to be what you might have hoped. If you rush him, it’s my experience and opinion that he’s more likely to just go ahead and file for divorce than he is to come home. So, you will often have to decide if you would rather give it more time or if you would rather have a divorce for your resolution.

This wife seemed to still be very committed to her marriage and she still had hope that it could be saved. So I believed that a compromise was probably the best way to go about this. I will discuss this more below.

Tell Yourself That The Outcome Is More Important Than The Time Frame: Believe me when I say that I understand your lack of patience. My separation went on for months. I was desperate to get my husband back. The last thing that I wanted was to admit defeat and accept a divorce. But after months of waiting and not seeing any progress, it became obvious that a quick resolution just wasn’t going to happen.

But as I attempted to rush or pressure my husband, it became very obvious that all this was doing was making him angry and contributing to him distancing himself from me. So I decided that it was better to keep waiting (even though this was definitely no fun) than to push and face an immediate and definite divorce.

Of course, only you can decide if waiting is worth it to you. But sometimes, if you wait (while still living your life, of course) you at least continue to give your marriage a fighting chance.

Waiting for him to make a decision doesn’t mean that you have to put your life on hold. One reason that the waiting is often so painful is because you feel as if your life is in limbo. It can seem the your entire life existence is based on work, school, or waiting for him to come to a decision so that you can either start working on your marriage or beginning the process of letting it go. So you just sit there and kind of hold your breath, just sort of marching in place.

I understand this because I was very guilty of it. But nothing says that you have to live this way. While you are waiting, nothing says that you can’t live your life in a positive way. Nothing says that you can’t work on yourself and grow and improve. It’s highly likely that you now have time to pursue the hobbies that you have been putting off for years. You can take a class. You can see friends. You can start an exercise program. Essentially, you can do any number of things that would lighten your load, make you happy, and make the time pass more quickly.

Frankly, this will often make you appear a bit more attractive to him. It will also sometimes inspire a little curiosity with him. It is actually not at all uncommon for him to wonder why you have quit asking about his decisions or about a resolution. And sometimes this is precisely when he becomes motivated to start thinking about things a bit more quickly. Because you have stopped the status quo. You have taken the initiative and changed things. And this will often inspire him to stop treading water and start deciding what needs to happen.

Of course, when this process starts, you want him to think of you favorably, that’s why it’s very important that you try to appear upbeat and as if you are taking full advantage of the extra time that you’ve been given. You want for him to think of you favorably when he is deciding on a resolution. And he isn’t likely to do this if you continuously demand a firm answer. But if you instead focus on the positive and seem happier and more carefree as a result, he is more likely to reach out to you because there is much less conflict and pressure when he does.

I think that my husband dragged his feet during our separation because he was leaning toward a divorce and he didn’t want to hurt me.  I was eventually able to change his mind and get him back home.  But, this took time and if I had pressured him, I would not have had that time and would have likely gotten divorced.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are getting a troubling vibe from their husbands during a marital or trial separation.  Often, the wife had expected or hoped that the husband would miss her or be receptive when she attempts to reach out to him.  Instead, the wife feels that the husband sees her as sort of annoyance.  This can leave her wondering what to do when what she wants most is to end the separation and save her marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “after my husband bugged me for almost a year to give him some time and to agree to a separation,  I finally agreed.  And the only reason that I agreed was because it seemed clear that he was going to leave me if I didn’t agree.   However,  I tried to have a very upbeat attitude and I tried to believe that we would get through it.   I figured that I would try to set it up so that we could see each regularly and hopefully have the necessary distance and perspective to work on our marriage.  But, I have to admit that every time I try to talk to or reach out to my husband, he gives me the cold shoulder.  At first I thought that I was only imagining it or was acting out of fear.  But for the past couple of weeks, I’ve made a note in my journal of what my husband says or does when I try to initiate contact or a meeting with him.   Now that I see all of this in black and white, it’s clear to me that he’s annoyed by me right now.  When I call, he at first will nicely try to get off the phone but when I try to keep him on the phone longer, then he gets very short with me and starts to raise his voice.  Last time we talked, he asked me to let him call me the next time.  When I went by his office and asked him to have lunch with me, he very abruptly told me that he was busy and all but shooed me out of his office.  I then asked him if he got the card that I sent him and he sighed deeply before he admitted that he had got it but hasn’t really had a chance to look at it.  When I take all of this information together, I come to the conclusion that my husband thinks I’m bugging or annoying him.   And I admit that I have gone out of my way to make sure he remembers that he is still very married, and I also admit that I worry that if he doesn’t see or hear from me regularly, he will forget about our marriage and his commitment to it.  How do I make sure that I am still on his mind without him seeing me as annoying?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Know That Continuing On As You Are Will Probably Only Make Things Worse:  I know first hand that the more you feel your husband pulling away from you, the more you will often want to cling to him.  The idea that he is asserting his independence or even considering moving further away from you or your marriage is often too much to bear.  So, you feel as if you need to do something, even if you know that it might elicit a negative reaction.  And you have this inclination because you don’t want for him to forget about you.  You’d almost rather him think of you as annoying than to not think of you at all.

I completely understand this as I was in this very difficult place also.  But what I didn’t understand at the time was that the more I pushed, the more likely my husband was to think that he needed to break away from me totally to be free of my over the top actions.  Intellectually, I knew that I was probably only making things worse, but the idea of not regularly reaching out to my husband and trying to save my marriage was just too much for me to even consider.

However, one day it dawned on me that my actions were actually making a divorce more likely instead of less likely.  I decided to just take a break and go back to my hometown to receive some love and support from my family.  And I was floored when all of a sudden my husband became receptive to me very shortly after I took a break.  It wasn’t my intention to stop what I was doing for good.  I just wanted to see some loving faces.  But the about face by my husband gave me pause.  I couldn’t deny that my backing off (even if it wasn’t intentional) actually made a positive difference.  So I decided to take things a little further to see if it would improve things even more.  And believe it or not, it did.

Ask Yourself What You have To Lose By Backing Off Just A Bit:  I know that you might imagine that bad things are going to happen if you back off some.  You worry about him forgetting his commitments.  But can you see that by not backing off, you risk what you fear the most?  You risk him becoming so frustrated that he blocks his access to him or he starts dodging you to avoid the entire situation altogether.  What if you made a commitment to back off just for a couple of days in order to see if this would inspire some relief or improvement.

The Logistics Of Backing Off: Many wives understand that backing off might be beneficial, but they aren’t sure if they are going to be able to pull it off.  They can’t imagine being out of touch for that long.  They worry that they won’t be able to stop themselves from calling or coming by.  I had the same concerns which is why I went out of town and I left my cell phone in my mom’s care.  I knew if I had access to my husband, I couldn’t stay away.  Instead, I journaled, I spent time with people who loved me and were thrilled to see me, and I tried to focus on myself and what I wanted outside of my marriage just for me.  In short, I decided to build myself up so that I could handle my marital situation better no matter what the outcome turned out to be.  It was beginning to be apparent that I needed to take better care of myself regardless of how this turned out.

And as soon as I made myself a priority, my husband took notice.  Of course I can’t promise that this will always happen. But I can say that it makes sense to stop pursuing a strategy that is clearly annoying or frustrating your husband.  When one strategy doesn’t work, perhaps it’s time to pursue another that is more healthy for both of you.

This wasn’t an easy strategy but it was the only one that worked.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel a little hopeless because their husband doesn’t seem to have an immediate incentive for wanting to come home to save their marriage. Often, he has another relationship which he could either pick up or pursue if the marriage doesn’t work out. So while the wife is very motivated to do whatever is necessary to save the marriage, she often worries that her husband doesn’t feel the same way.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left me about seven months ago. We have small children. He didn’t give me any reason for his leaving. I coped as best as I could but eventually I asked around and found out that he was living with another woman. He was shocked to learn that I found out about her. But once I confronted him, he agreed to go to counseling. We have had a few sessions and at first he seemed very upbeat and he said that it seemed to be helping and that there seemed to be hope that we could get out of the rut that our marriage was in. However, at the last session, the counselor outlined all of the work that would be necessary to save our marriage. This seemed to turn my husband off. It’s been a couple of weeks and I think that he’s seeing the other woman again. It seems like he now realizes that saving our marriage is going to be work.  So he’s decided that it’s easier to just go back to her and carry on as he was. This is very hard for me. I was doing OK coping before until he gave me hope after that first counseling session. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that he doesn’t have an incentive to work with me on our marriage? When the going gets tough, he’s just going to go back to the other woman.”

This is a difficult situation. Because here was a woman who still loved her husband and who was still very invested in her marriage, partly because she still loved him and partly because she had small children to consider. So while she was clear on the fact that the marriage was still very important to her, she had her doubts that he felt the same way. The good news was that she had already been successful in getting him to go counseling. I felt that this was a distinct advantage on which she could build. I’ll talk about this more below.

Why I Think That Continuing On With The Counseling Is A Good Idea: The wife in this situation wasn’t sure if she should continue counseling. Since the husband was potentially still carrying on with the other woman, she just didn’t see the point. I would argue that there were still children involved who needed their parents to interact in a positive way during a very difficult time. A counselor can definitely help to facilitate this.

And while both had their doubts about saving the marriage, just working on interacting in a positive way for the sake of your kids will often end up improving your marriage because it will still uncover some issues that you can fix. And when you are successful in doing that, you will often find that your relationship begins to improve outside of the counselor’s office and outside of your role as parents.

And frankly, as things improve, the confusing and on again off again relationship with the other woman might just start to lose it’s appeal. This leads me to my next point.

He Needs To Understand That He Can’t Have A Romantic Relationship With Two People At The Same Time: It’s normal to want to make concessions when you fear that you are losing your marriage and that your children might be losing their full time relationship with their father. But as tempting as it might be to try to win him over while he’s still with her, this is a strategy in which there is often no winner. Allowing yourself to participate in a love triangle is almost condoning his behavior.

So, the decision is yours, but my suggestion would be to make it clear that although you are working hard to maintain and improve your relationship because of your children, you aren’t going so far as trying to resurrect or participate in your marriage until he can make a decision about the other woman and commit to being faithful to you. This really isn’t too much to ask. And it is going to be extremely difficult to save your marriage while someone else is present anyway.

So in my opinion, the best compromise in this situation is to continue on with the counseling in the hopes that it helps these two both as a family as a couple, but stopping just sort of making a commitment to reconcile until he lets the other woman go for good.

There was a time when I felt that my husband had no interest whatsoever in saving my marriage.  It seemed that I was the only one who even cared.  But eventually, I came up with a strategy that allowed me to chisel away at his resistance while bringing him closer rather than pushing him away.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are very confused about their husband’s conflicting claims. On the one hand, their husband is acting like and saying that he still loves them. But on the other hand, he is often asking for a separation or divorce, which seems to be a huge contradiction to the confused wife.

I heard from a wife who said: “for the past five months, my husband has been griping about how unhappy he is and how bad our marriage is. I did take this seriously. I tried very hard to be more upbeat and to bring the spice back into our marriage. But apparently it hasn’t helped because last night, he told me that he thought we should separate or divorce. I was floored by this. I knew that our marriage was struggling, but I never thought he would want to end it. And the most ironic thing of all of this is that I know that he loves me. It is obvious when he looks at me. It is clear in the way that he acts. I know for a fact that if we both worked very hard, we could save our marriage. But when I told him this, he agreed that he still loved me and he stressed that he always would. But he said that he didn’t want to try to save our marriage because that would just waste our time and hurt us more. I don’t understand. If he loves me, why wouldn’t he want to try to save our marriage?”

Obviously I didn’t know this husband and I couldn’t read his mind. He would be the best person to answer this question. But I also know first hand that most husbands will resist or refuse to answer questions like this. Perhaps they think that they don’t want to hurt you or give you ammunition in your campaign to save your marriage. But it’s more likely that they don’t really have a definitive answer themselves. So in the following article, I will discuss some possible reasons that he is resistant to saving your marriage.

He May Feel Like It’s Just Not Possible: Some people tend to believe that love isn’t always enough to keep a marriage going. Women are more likely to believe that love should be more than enough, while men tend to think of more practical requirements. And, he may already know that you have been consciously trying to make things better for a while and yet he still doesn’t feel that you have made enough progress. Often, what he doesn’t realize is that if he would help you, even just a little, your progress would multiply a great deal.

So how do you get around this? Most people will be tempted to ask for more time. But it’s my experience and opinion that a husband will likely have his doubts about agreeing to additional time that he feels isn’t going to matter anyway. The better way is to show him with your actions rather than to make promises with your words. You have to show him real and substantial change that is going to make him think that maybe he was hasty in making such long lasting assumptions.

He May Believe That Your Marriage Is Holding Him Back In Some Way: Another common reason that a man who loves his wife will resist trying to save his marriage is because he perceives that the same marriage is not in his best interest. Men have various reasons for this. Some feel like being married is keeping them from being who they are truly meant to be. Some believe that they can’t truly be happy if they continue to remain married. And still more believe that the relationship is never going to reach a point where it allows both of you to be happy, fulfilled, or your best selves.

I am not saying that he is right in these assumptions. I am just making you aware of what his thought process might be and what you might be up against. The way around this one is to make sure that he knows that you truly want for him to be happy. He needs to understand that you’re not interested in only saving your marriage for the sake of it. You are interested in saving your marriage because you believe that you can restore it to a place where you can both thrive.

So when you discuss this with him, make sure that your focus is on how you can help him to get what he wants rather than how you are interested in changing his mind to get what you want.

Know That Emotions Are High And What He Believes Today May Change Tomorrow: It’s very important that you don’t panic and believe that your marriage is over. Yes, he is resistant to saving your marriage. But if you show him that he may have been to hasty in making this decision, he may well change his mind. One of the reasons that it’s so important that you don’t panic is that this tends to make your actions take on a desperate and insincere tone.

And when this happens, your husband’s doubt about saving your marriage are actually raised, which is the exact opposite of what you want. But if you calmly try to show him that this process really isn’t as difficult or impossible as he thought, then his doubts begin to slowly be chipped away until he may begin to agree with you that love can be enough when it’s coupled with decisive action.

That’s why it’s vital that you do everything that you have claimed or promised. Because you need for him to know that real change is possible and that it’s worth it to have hope for your marriage.

Also, know that the fact that he’s aware that he still loves you is vital.  I believe that my own husband has started to doubt his love for me.  And I had a hard time saving my marriage at first.  I finally came to understand some basic truths that helped me use psychology to turn things around.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who felt sure that separating and then pursuing a divorce was the best idea. Sometimes, they firmly believe that their marriage is too far gone to save. Other times, they believe that they have fallen out of love with their spouse. But then, at some point during the separation that they felt sure would lead to a divorce, a strange thing begins to happen. They start to miss their spouse. Much to their surprise, they are deeply affected by their spouse’s absence. And they often have no idea what this should mean for their marriage or for their expected a divorce.

I heard from a wife who said: “for the last five years, my husband and I have seriously grown apart. For the past year and a half, I have been closely watching my marriage. Because I was trying to determine if there was anything left and if I should try to save it. I decided that it was truly over because I believed that I felt nothing for my spouse and for my marriage. My husband had a hard time accepting this, so I decided to pursue a separation before filing for divorce. I figured this would give him some time to adjust and would be the best and most kindest way to go about this. I felt like my mind was made up. We’ve been separated for about four weeks. Well, for the last couple of weeks, I have started to miss my husband desperately and I don’t know what to make of this. My best friend says that I just miss him because he had almost become a habit and that this doesn’t mean that I still love him or that I should change my mind about the divorce. But I don’t know if she is right. I find myself thinking of him longingly and remembering some of the good times in our marriage. Is this normal? Is my marriage still over?”

I couldn’t decide if this wife’s marriage should be over or not. This was a decision that only the couple should make. However, if I’m being honest, I think that the wife missing her husband was quite telling and important. I will tell you why below.

Missing Your Spouse During A Separation Means That You Aren’t Indifferent And In My Opinion, This Is Significant: I know that many people will disagree with what I am about to say. But I believe that if you still have some feelings for your spouse, this could potentially mean that your marriage isn’t really over. I believe this is true even if you are feeling negative emotions like anger, frustration, or confusion. Because I think that if you are having any feelings at all, this means that you are still invested in your marriage, even if this frustrates or upsets you.

I know that people will often say that you are missing your spouse simply because your habit has been broken. They will say that splitting up with take some adjustment even if there is nothing left. I actually disagree with this. I believe that feeling nothing or a sense of indifference might be an indication that is over. But this wasn’t the case here.

I find that people who are truly over their partner or their marriage actually feel a sense of peace and acceptance. There is no anger, frustration, longing, or confusion. There just isn’t anything more. Because both people know that they have done all that they could and yet it still wasn’t enough.

I couldn’t tell this wife what she was feeling or why she was feeling it. But it did seem pretty evident to me that she hadn’t yet reached the point of indifference and I believe that this was telling. Of course, this is only my opinion.  And the only opinion that really mattered was her own.

Where To Go From Here: Again, this isn’t my decision to make. It truly was the wife’s decision and she would likely have to get still, take some time, and dig deep so that she could listen to what her heart was trying to tell her. This was a serious decision that might strongly impact two lives.

So this is only my opinion, but it seems to me that it makes sense to not rush this. She could just take her time and see if the feelings continued on. I wasn’t sure that she should completely share this with her husband until she was sure of her feelings. Because I have been the spouse who was on the other side of this, and I wouldn’t have wanted for my husband to give me false hope until he was sure.

So I would suggest just remaining present and holding off on filing for a divorce until she was more sure of her feelings. Regardless of whether this relationship was eventually going to end, it is always a good idea to leave things in a positive way. It is always a good idea to maintain a positive relationship with someone who will always be very important to you. So I would suggest not making any rash decisions and to just watch and listen. Your heart might be trying to tell you something and you can’t receive the message if you are not listening and willing to hear what it has to say.

Of course, I never wanted a separation and I never tried the fact that I missed my husband.  But I was absolutely thrilled when it eventually became obvious that my attempts at reconciliation meant that I had been successful in making him miss me.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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