Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are lost on many levels during their marital separation.   Often, they are experiencing this difficult time in an empty house with more than enough free time on their hands.  And they have no idea how to fill their empty days.  Often, they intuitively know that they should give the situation time, but it is hard to do this when everything feels so immediate and there is really nothing else to do.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left about three weeks ago.  I am so lonely and antsy.  Our only child left for college this summer.  Without him holding us together, our marriage fell apart.  I still love my husband.  I still want my marriage.  But he has made it very clear that he needs some time to himself.  And I know that I should respect this.  But, as sad as this is going to sound, I am not sure how to fill my days. I have spent so many years being a wife and mother that I have no idea how to be anything else or to be on my own.  I find myself just sitting here and feeling worthless.  I have to constantly fight the urge to call my son or husband.   I know that my husband wants time, but I feel as if I am only treading water.  How should I be spending my time?”

There were so many questions rolled into this one.  Believe me when I say that I know how difficult it is to fill your days when you are having a hard time even getting out of bed.  When I was separated, I was very busy in my professional life.  This turned out to be somewhat of a blessing because it filled the day time.  But at night and on weekends, I really struggled.  Eventually, I became tired of feeling so lost.  So I decided that it was time to force myself to do what I knew was right deep down.  Some days it would have been easier (and would have felt better) to just stay home.  But I found that getting out and focusing on myself actually saved my sanity and, in a way, it saved my marriage.  I will discuss this more below.

Reach Out To Others:  I know that it is hard to even think about this right now.  But when you are separated, you are very lonely.  You want and need human contact.   And when you reach out to your husband for that contact when he has asked you not to, then you are setting yourself up for rejection which you absolutely don’t need right now.

But, even if you are supposed to back off from your husband from now, there are undoubtedly others that you can reach out to.  Family, friends, and special people that we love or are connected to are usually always willing to lend their support and their time.

And the truth is that we have often not had as much time and energy for them while we were pouring ourselves into our marriage and in our immediate family.  So, now is a perfect time to fall back on and cultivate those relationships that we may not have even realized that we have missed.

I actually went across the country to spend time with my parents and my oldest, dearest friends.  This felt odd and desperate at first.  But they welcomed me with open arms and their support and laughter got me through some difficult days.  If I had stayed home, I would have focused on my isolation and loneliness.  My focus would have been on the person that I didn’t have.  But at that time, very thankfully, I was focused on the wonderful and loving people that I still had in my life.  This made quite a bit of difference.

Another great way to reach out like this if you can’t immediately visit loved ones is to volunteer locally or become involved in socializing at school or at work.  These are likely things that you didn’t have time for before but you do right now.  And these things will not only give you something to do, but they will enrich you and show you that you are still valuable and have a good deal to offer.

Work On Yourself:  I know that you are hurting right now.  I know that going within and exploring yourself may not sound like a lot of fun.  But the truth is that when we are caring for others, we rarely care for ourselves.  When is the last time you did exactly what you wanted to do simply for the reason that you wanted to do it?  Many women do not.  I was very guilty of that. I cared for every one else, but not myself.  Right now, you have the time to journal, to engage in hobbies you enjoy, and to spend some time with yourself determining what you want and deserve.

Believe it or not, this self work can be incredibly beneficial to your marriage in the long run.  It isn’t just a way to fill the time.  It is a way to reconnect with yourself and to prioritize the person who is uniquely you.   Yes, this is a difficult time.  But you don’t need to make it worse by giving into the negative emotions and following that up with negative actions.  If your force yourself to engage in positive actions and behaviors, then you will often find that your emotions will follow.  Therefore, the next time that you interact with your husband, you will often find that it is easier and better.

I know that this is hard and that the days seem long but if you fill them with things that nurture you and support you, they will go by sooner than you might think.  At least this was the case with me.  There were days when I could hardly function well at work and then I would go home and just listen to music and feel hopeless.  Once I forced myself out of this pattern, things changed and my husband took noticed.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, spouses who are reluctant to separate in the first place hope that the separation is over as quickly as is possible.  Often, they fear that the longer the separation goes on, the less of a chance there is that they can save their marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for almost nine months.  At first, it was just supposed to be a brief trial separation.  He said he just needed some time to sort out his feelings.  He said he wanted some peace and quiet for himself.  I didn’t think that this would last for very long.  I figured that the worst-case scenario was him being gone for a month or maybe two.  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that almost three quarters of a year would go by and we would not be back together.  Some friends of mine told me that the separation has gone on for so long that it is time for me to face reality.  They say that the length of the time is too long and that it means my marriage is over.  Are they right?” I will tell you my opinion on this below.

Why There Is No Deadline For Getting Back Together:  Admittedly, the longer the two of you are separated, the more discouraging this can be.  After all, things often become more and more awkward. As a result, you can start to wonder if the long separation just indicates that there is no hope left.  However, I have known of many couples who reconciled many months or even years after their separation started.  Admittedly, this isn’t the norm.  But it does happen.  I know because it happened for me.  And often when it happens it is because someone has made a deliberate and valiant effort to hold onto their marriage.  Below, I’ll offer some suggestions on how to do this.

Make Sure That You Don’t Become Complacent And Allow The Distance To Become Both Literal And Figurative:  One of the main reasons that the passage of time is such a threat during a separation is because the passage of time causes doubt and awkwardness.  One or both people begin to wonder why their spouse isn’t reaching out more and, because they fear rejection, they may back off also.

And before you know it, a good chunk of time has gone by without any interaction.  And then one day leads to another and eventually you are looking at weeks or even months since you’ve spoken to or seen your spouse.  You want to avoid this if at all possible.  Even if things are uncertain or awkward, you still want to keep the lines of communication open.  Sure, things might be so awkward that all you can manage is a weekly cup of coffee together.  This is certainly better than nothing and if you can see it up so that your time together is pleasant and that you both come to expect or look forward to this time, then that is something on which you can build.

But it is better to have regular and awkward or tense conversations and meetings than none at all.  You don’t want to let too much go by without any communication at all.  If this is the case in your situation, then it can make sense to take the initiative to try to change this.  Yes, you may feel vulnerable and like you are risking rejection.  But keep things very simple and light-hearted.  Your goal is not to save your marriage in one meeting or even a series of meetings.  Your real goal is just to begin to improve your interactions, even if it is only a little bit.  You already know that this is going to be a gradual process.  But if you can get your relationship back onto the road of something regular, even if it is just casual and short meetings or communications, then this is something that is worth doing.

There Is No Expiration Date On Your Marriage:  People often think that if too much time passes, their spouse is eventually going to forget about them or their marriage. Or, they fear that their spouse may meet someone else.  These things do sometimes happen, but they are also only temporary sometimes.  People get back together and reconcile all of the time.  There’s no expiration date on your marriage or any period of time where you have reached the point of no return.  Of course, it is in your best interest to try to keep things positive and to try to improve things so that a reconciliation happens sooner rather than later.

But I am living proof that you can be separated for a long frustrating time and yet still be able to get back together eventually.  If I had given up when everyone was telling me that too much time had passed, then I would not be still married today.  No one but you and your spouse can decide when it is truly over.  And frankly, people are often quite sure that it is over only to be pleasantly surprised to learn that it isn’t. If it helps, you can read my story of recovery on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for me to hear from wives who are separating but who still want to save their marriage.  Much of the time, they don’t understand how this is going to be possible when their husband doesn’t feel the same way that they do.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have only been separated for ten days.  I don’t hold out a lot of hope for our marriage.  And the reason for that is that when my husband initially asked me for a separation, I asked him how were we going to save our marriage when we were separated from one another.  His reply to me was that he wasn’t really interested in saving our marriage.  I so badly wanted to ask him why didn’t he just divorce me if he felt that way, but I was afraid of his response.  The truth is that I do still want to be married.  I do still love him.  I am still interested in saving our marriage but I guess that I am the only one.  Is there any chance of saving your marriage when you’re separated and your husband just isn’t interested in working with you?”

I will admit that most people would answer no to this question.  But, I am not one of those people.  I was in this same situation.  I desperately wanted to save my marriage, but my husband had truly checked out and he insisted that we separate.  This only made me more clingy.  And the more I tried to get his attention, the less he wanted to deal with me and the less he wanted to save our marriage.  Friends and family gently tried to tell me that perhaps I should think about letting go.  Admittedly, things seemed very bleak. My husband wasn’t reaching out to me and when I reached out to him, he would often reject me.  And yet, even when things got that dire, we are still together today.  How did I go from that horrible place to the secure and much better place that I am now? I’ll tell you below.

You Don’t Always Need Complete Cooperation To Save Your Marriage:  When people think of saving their marriage while they are separated, most of them will assume that you need to have two willing parties who are going to counseling or who are least working very aggressively to sort through their problems.  This isn’t always the case.

Yes, that scenario does tend to make a good outcome easier to come by. But there are less conventional ways to go about it.  And sometimes, you have to accept these strategies when your husband isn’t on board. I strongly believe that you can very gradually save your marriage even if the only one who realizes that you are attempting that is yourself.

Yes, you might have to move at a snail’s pace.  And yes, you may have to accept those small victories that seem insignificant at first.  But it can be done, although it often requires patience.

At First, Settle For Just Subtle Improvements:  As best as you can, try to take the emotion out of this situation and think about it rationally.  Since your husband is claiming that he’s not interested in saving your marriage, any campaign that you stage in order to do just that is going to be met with resistance.  If you tell him that every interaction with you is meant to save your marriage, then he might start to avoid you or he may be distant.

So instead of being so obvious and ambitious about it, you may have to lower the bar a little.  You may have to take all of the “save the marriage” talk off of the table and just make it clear that you want to be able to improve your interactions with your husband simply because the relationship is important to you, no matter what happens in the future.

It helps to stress that you don’t know what the future brings and that, for now, all you want to do is to be able to get along with him and maybe share a laugh or two or ease the tension.  After all, it’s a safe bet that neither of you are happy with the way that things are going or are thriving with all of the tension between you.

Many husbands will be more receptive to this low stress strategy because you are not really asking anything of him.  There is really no reason for him to not want to cooperate with such a simple request.

One Small Step At A Time Can Equal A Giant Leap Eventually: So how do you go from just improving your interactions to saving your marriage?  You do it very gradually.  You build on each meeting and you just try to laugh and have fun so that each time, you both look forward to meeting again.  As you find that you are relating to one another more easily, you are strengthening your bond.  And once this happens, saving your marriage becomes a much easier task because your husband may just realize that you still have an awful lot in common and you can still connect quite well.  But in order for him to make that jump, you have to take the first step and begin to rebuild the rapport between you.

You don’t need to tell him that you are trying to save your marriage.  In fact, sometimes it’s better that you keep this to yourself until he gives you an indication that he has become interested again.  I certainly kept this to myself during my own separation.  In fact, I didn’t admit to any strategy until after we reconciled.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to gauge their separated husband’s feelings and attitude toward them and the marriage.  Quite often, the spouse who has been left is the spouse who wants a reconciliation the most. And, making that happen is always at the center of their thoughts.  But the spouse who left may not be so sure that a reconciliation is in the cards.  And this can cause a lot of doubt and second guessing.

I heard from a wife who said: “about three weeks ago, my husband abruptly left me.  We had been arguing about his god son.  It seems so silly now but his god son is an addict and we were allowing him to live with us in order to get back on his feet.  Well, not only is he still using, he has stolen from us.  I got to the point where I was very tired of this situation and I called his parents and told them that they would have deal with their son because my husband and I just didn’t have the skills to deal with something that wasn’t getting any better.  This infuriated my husband.  He felt that this wasn’t my decision to make and he feels that the way that we both handle conflict is very different.  So he got so mad at me that he packed his bags and left.  So I am in this empty house without any god son and without any husband.  My husband and I talk on the phone sporadically.  Sometimes things and tense and sometimes they are OK.  The other day, my husband and I went out to lunch and things seemed to be going pretty well between us. I asked him if he would ever consider a reconciliation because it’s sad that we are throwing our marriage away over this conflict which isn’t even centered on us. He said that he wasn’t thinking about a reconciliation, but that anything is possible in life.  He then abruptly changed the subject. When I told my sister about this, she said that she wouldn’t get her hopes up.  She said that it seemed like he was letting me down easy.  Is she right?  Do I have reason to have hope?  Or am I just seeing things that aren’t there?”

I would never encourage anyone to give up on their marriage when there is even a shred of hope. (And I personally believe that most of the time, there is that shred of hope.) I didn’t know either person personally.  But if I were to take this husband’s statement literally, I would think that what he meant was that although he wasn’t planning to come home to try to save the marriage in the immediate future, he might consider it if the circumstances changed enough to make him feel comfortable doing that.  I will expand on this idea more below.

Understand That There Is Often More Than One Issue: The wife was assuming that the core issue here was the god son and the stress that he put on their household and on their marriage.  And sure, he probably did cause stress and tension.  But, most of the time, it is a mistake to assume that one single and isolated issue is the cause of the separation.  Because the crux of the separation was probably more complex than this.

The husband kept harping on how this couple dealt with conflict differently.  This told me that the god son situation merely highlighted an issue that had long been a problem.  It was the stimulus thought boiled this situation over. The wife assumed that since the god son had moved out, then they should be able to pick up their marriage and move on.  And the husband’s reluctance to do just that may have had to do with the fact that he suspected it wasn’t as simple as that because he knew that there were underlying issues that the wife wasn’t acknowledging.  That’s why he wouldn’t give her any real or concrete answer about the future of their marriage.  He wanted to see real contemplation and potential change before he was even willing to think in those terms.

Keep The Hope That He Has Given You But Be Realistic About The Need For Change:  I don’t think it’s silly or naive to hear the positive message that he is sending you.  He had said that anything was possible and most people would agree that this means that a reconciliation is a possibility.  But, at the same time, he had made it clear that this wasn’t going to happen tomorrow or even soon.  And you could take this implication to mean that before he even entertained the idea of a reconciliation, he wanted to watch, wait, and take inventory as things unfolded.  And in order to swing the pendulum in her favor, the wife could be very proactive and start to explore the issue of conflict resolution.  Because even if the god son was out of their lives (which frankly wasn’t very likely) there are always other issues on the horizon. And until you learn how to handle these issues in a positive way, then your marriage is always going to be vulnerable.  And you both deserve better.

When my husband first left, I thought that the entire issue related to only one thing.  I figured if I could remove that one obstacle, then I could get my husband home.  How wrong I was.  The fact that I couldn’t see all of the intertwined issues just frustrated my husband even more and made him think that I “just didn’t get it.”  Honestly, it wasn’t until I was willing to take a very honest look at reality that things began to change and I was able to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I often hear from people who have become increasingly concerned about the content and tone of fights with their spouse.   Often, the couple has been fighting for a while, but lately, the arguments have taken on a new, sinister tone and the husband has even started to broach the subject of a break or separation.  And often, the wife isn’t quite sure how to take this or how serious this truly is.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been fighting for a long time about two issues – my in – laws and his lack of employment.  He lost his job over eighteen months ago and I feel as though he isn’t looking hard enough to find a replacement.   I know that the economy is bad, but he is college educated and has a lot of experience.  It’s hard for me to buy that he can’t find another job somewhere.  The other issue is that his parents are now giving us money.  My in – laws are completely over bearing.  Before they started giving us money, they intruded in our lives enough. But now, they seem to feel as if we owe them.   I feel like I don’t even want to come home from work anymore because I know that they are going to be there. My mother in law brings dinner over constantly.  My husband appreciates it because our food budget is very tight.  But I would rather eat peanut butter and jelly than share yet another meal with them.  For the last several weeks, our arguments about this have gotten very heated.  And my husband has started bringing up a separation.  He said he will just go and live with his parents so that I won’t have to be bothered with all of this.  How concerned should I be?  Is he really going to leave me or pursue a separation?  I still love him and I don’t want this.”

I couldn’t tell this wife what the husband was thinking or what his true intentions were.  Only the husband knew this information.   But I can tell you that it’s my experience and opinion that when a spouse mentions separating, you should most definitely pay attention.  He is obviously trying to get your attention and if this doesn’t happen, he may believe that the only way to get the attention that he wants is to do something drastic – like move out.   And if you think about it, this couple was in a situation where it would be extremely easy for the husband to just go and stay in his old room in his parents’ house.  So I felt that this was something that the wife should be very concerned about.  And I will offer some suggestions on how to handle this below.

The Best Way To Approach A Husband Who Threatens To Leave Or Separate Every Time You Disagree:  The wife was starting to feel as if she couldn’t even bring up her concerns because she was afraid that her husband would think about a separation if she did.  So, she was now in the situation where she didn’t even want to come to her own home to decompress and spend time with her husband. This was a seriously troubling warning sign.

So I felt that it was prudent to speak up before this became much worse.  A suggested script might be something like: “before we start getting into the same old trap with this argument, I want to stop you right there.  It seems as if every time we start to have even a slight disagreement, you bring up separating.  I want to be clear right now and say that I do not want a separation.  Yes, things are difficult between us right now.  Yes, we disagree about a couple of things.  But I don’t want for these things to pull us apart.  Instead, I want us to bond together and get through this.  I want us to sit down and come up with some compromises that we can both live with.  This is negatively affecting our marriage and that is the last thing that I want.   I want for our marriage to be the positive thing that keeps us both going.  I want it to be the place we can come when the outside world batters us.  I understand that you are close to your parents and I do not want to interfere with that.  But I want for us to have our time alone also.  I want for our marriage to be separate from our relationship with them.  Can we agree to limit their time to a more reasonable amount?  What if we said we’d invite them over twice per week and then spend the other five days together?  And what if we agreed to go the park with a packed lunch once per week and just discuss how things are going between us and how the job search is going.  That way, I won’t need to constantly nag you and we can spend the rest of the week on having a pleasant time together.  I don’t mean to stress you out.  I know that you are trying.  But you have to understand that this affects me too.  Can we agree to take a separation off of the table while we are trying to do those things?  I feel that talking about a separation isn’t dealing with our problems.  It is just adding to them.”

This single conversation may not solve all of your problems, but it’s a good and very necessary start.  Because to answer the question posed, I believe that you should be very concerned any time your husband mentions a separation, even if it is in anger or during a fight.

As I alluded to, I didn’t pay close enough attention when my own husband started talking about a separation.  I just hoped that things would work out or that he would change his mind.  He definitely didn’t.  Not only did we separate but we almost divorced.  It wasn’t until I approached our conflict in an entirely new way that I was able to save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read more about our recovery on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who aren’t sure how much more work they can put into their marriage. Often, they feel as if they have been working for a long and difficult time, although they have little to show for it. And many times, they are disappointed that they are not seeing any real change that would give them hope that their marriage can be transformed.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been working on our marriage for about a year. I honestly believe that if it wasn’t for our children, we may have just walked away. But neither of us want our children to grow up in a household with a broken family. The main issue that we have is that we are very different personality-wise.  My husband still acts like he’s a college boy or single sometimes.  He still goes out with his college friends on Friday nights. We rarely agree on things. Our outlooks are almost opposites. I am the one who pays the bills. I am the one who plans for retirement. I am the one who makes sure our kids have what they need and are doing well in school. I am the one who sends cards to our relatives and cares for the sick. I am the one who makes the money in our household. I am the one who makes sure the gutters get cleaned out once per year and that the taxes get paid. All my husband cares about is having fun and planning his next adventure. At first, this was just annoying but lately, it has lead to us fighting a lot of the time. I try to compromise but I end up feeling resentful because it seems that I am the one who ends up compromising. He never seems to make similar concessions. So because we rarely agree, we end of fighting about everything from money to our personalities, to parenting, to our in-laws. It seems that we are at each other’s throats all of the time. We have committed to trying to work on our problems. And we do try to discuss things, but we just end up disagreeing and we go away angry. He will tell me that he’s going to stay home more and take on more responsibilities. He tells me what I want to hear. But nothing changes. It’s been a year. Is my marriage doomed? Is there just no hope left?”

I really hesitate to tell anyone that their marriage is without hope, although it did seem that this couple’s methods so far were not all that likely to pay off. Sometimes, if you are just applying the band-aids that had already been shown to be ineffective, you can’t expect to heal. Perhaps the wife could try a new strategy since it didn’t appear that she had much to lose. I will discuss this more below.

If Trying To Tackle Too Many Things Is Ineffective, Break The Bigger Issues Down: It seemed to me that both people were a little overwhelmed by all of their problems. So they would try to talk, but they would know that they had a very daunting task ahead of them and both would approach this with dread.

Rather than trying to address everything all at once and being too overwhelmed to make any real headway, I would suggest breaking the issues down and then dealing with only one topic at a time. For example, perhaps one month you would explore the issue with money. And only when that issue seemed to be resolved would you move onto something else. Luckily, both people agreed to try to work things out before walking away, so it was likely that this couple could take a more gradual approach. This would keep them from becoming overwhelmed and discouraged.

Do Whatever You Can To Make The Process Pleasurable: It was pretty clear that neither husband or wife was having any fun with this process. Both people ended up feeling defensive and discouraged. As a result, no one was putting forth their best effort. That’s why it’s so important to make this process as fun as you can. If sitting on your couch and hashing things out isn’t working for you, then walk around a lake, go out to dinner, or just hold hands outside underneath the stars.

If you have to, put your issues on hold until you rediscover some of the fun in your relationship. If both people aren’t looking forward to participating in your progress, then you are more likely to have less than stellar results. No one says this has to be a dull and boring process. Make it fun so that you look forward to it.

If You Need Help To Stay On Task, It Is Worth It To Seek Out Help: I know that many people resist counseling and I agree that it isn’t for everyone. But sometimes, this really does help to keep you on task and it offers the insights that you never would have gotten on your own. Even if you or your spouse are resistant to counseling, at least consider some self-help to keep you motivated and to help you gauge your progress.

Sometimes, what you think are the most persuasive issues are just a shield for what is truly going on and you need someone (or some method) to help you identify the core issue and discover why it keeps coming up over and over again.

Don’t Allow Yourself To See This As Hopeless: One major problem in this scenario is that the unsatisfied spouses begin to believe that change is never going to happen. They do this without trying everything in the arsenal, like counseling, breaking the problems down into smaller ones, or taking a hard look at their own expectations and seeing if any adjustments can be made. Ending your marriage or separating is a huge, life-altering decision. From own experience, I can tell you that my own separation was by far the lowest period of my life. If I could turn back time, I would most certainly have taken our issues much more seriously.

Regular Accountability And Re-evaluation Are Vital: Many spouses start out being very proactive but then things fizzle out. And that’s often because the spouses don’t regularly check-in and give feedback.  You need to know what is working and what isn’t. Counseling makes this easier but you can do this on your own if you’re very vigilant.  It can be tricky to identify what behaviors can realistically stay and what absolutely must go. For example, it was probably unrealistic to think that a man with this husband’s personality was ever going to become a straight-laced businessman who never craved adventure or risk. That wasn’t who he was. And that wasn’t who the wife fell in love with in the first place. But that doesn’t mean adjustments can’t be made.

But to answer the question posed, sometimes you don’t see a change after extensive work on your marriage because you are taking on too much, you are approaching it in the wrong way, or you are approaching it as “work” rather than as an opportunity for bonding and having fun.

It wasn’t until I saw saving my marriage as an opportunity rather than a chore that things changed.   “Working on your marriage” is a common phrase, but it’s also an unfortunate one.  Because when done correctly, it shouldn’t feel like work.  But it took me way too long to learn this and it almost cost me my marriage.  If it helps, you can read about our rebuilding process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are in the middle of a marital separation who are absolutely panicked. Sometimes, their husband has cut off most or all contact or he just isn’t acting very receptive to his wife or to the marriage. And it is at this time that you can feel very much alone. And you can begin to worry that the marriage that is so important to you is now a lost cause.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband left me three months ago. He thinks that I cheated on him, but I didn’t. I have repeatedly tried to reach out to him with proof that I didn’t cheat. I won’t say that our marriage was perfect before this one incident. But it is this one incident that inspired him to actually leave when he was only thinking about it before. Since my husband left, he hasn’t called, come by, or reached out to me in any way. He is staying with his mother and when I call her, she won’t let me talk to him. She says that he has nothing to say to me. I have sent letters telling him that I didn’t cheat. Still, I get no response. I keep texting and he doesn’t respond. One of my friends says that it is obvious that there is no hope for my marriage. She says that it would be healthier for all involved if I would just give up. She is probably right, but I guess I need to hear my husband say this before I give up. But since he won’t give me any access to him, then how is this supposed to happen? Is there any hope for my marriage?”

I think that there is always hope. I would never tell someone to give up hope on what should be the most important relationship of their life. With that said, there are times when no one can deny that things don’t look very promising. But that doesn’t mean that it is impossible for you to things to turn around. Sometimes, you have more control over this than you might think. I will discuss this more below.

Your Level Of Hope Is Really A Choice: It always bothers me when friends tell you that there’s no hope or that you should give up hope. Who are they to say this? It is not their marriage in question. It is yours. And the only one who can decide if it time to give up hope is you. And frankly, this is often not a logical decision. Often, your head is showing you facts that might indicate that things are not going your way when your heart just doesn’t care.

This was the case with me. My husband had long left and although he was being cordial to me, he wasn’t giving me any encouragement that things would get better. And there was a time when I got so discouraged that I gave up actively trying to get him back. Ironically, that’s actually when things improved.

But, in the back of my mind, I always had a little hope. Because I’d known people who had separated and even divorced who had gotten back together eventually. And I knew that if I had patience, my husband’s love for me may matter more than the problems we were trying to overcome. Sure, my circumstances might have eventually showed me that I was wrong about this. But I don’t see any harm in maintaining hope. You’re not hurting anyone by doing so.

Setting It Up So That Your Hope Isn’t Necessarily In Vain: Of course, it’s great to maintain your hope, but it’s even better to see your hopes realized. And in order to do that, you’ll often need to set it up so that the circumstances shift to your favor. I didn’t personally know the couple involved in this scenario. But it appeared that two issues were the most persuasive. First, the husband believed that the wife had cheated but he was avoiding her so much that she couldn’t straighten this out. I would suggest writing a letter so that you don’t have to worry about being interrupted and then hand delivering it right to him if possible and then giving a brief statement asking him to please read the letter and call you after he does. After that, I would suggest backing off and giving him a little time to calm down.

The second issue was that the husband appeared to be trying to set firm boundaries while the wife was trying to push her way into getting answers about how her husband was feeling and what his intentions were. And the more she felt ignored, the more she felt the need to push even harder. And while this was totally understandable and is very common, what she needed to understand is that it wasn’t really working that well for her. It seemed to only be making things worse.

In my own situation, it actually was a good idea to stop pushing so hard and to back off. Once I did this, my husband eventually began to wonder why he wasn’t hearing from me all of a sudden. Eventually, he was the one reaching out to me, which put me in a much better position and was the beginning of us being able to work things out.

But to answer the question posed, I can’t tell you specifically what’s going to happen with your marriage, but I can tell you that you have control as to whether you give up hope or not. No one can take hope away from you unless you decide that it is time to give it away. And if you have reason to believe that it’s not yet time to do so, you have every right to hold onto it.

I’m glad I didn’t give up hope.  I fully realize that my marriage could have gone the other way and my hope would’ve been in vain.  But, at that time, my hope was all I had left and I wasn’t willing to just release my grip.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who know that many of the issues in their marriage stem from mistakes that they have made. In short, they know that a big reason that their husband has left or insisted on a separation is because of their own actions. So, often, not only are they very remorseful, but they have been motivated to make some drastic changes in their marriage. And although these changes are very positive ones, the wives often wonder if they are coming much too late. Because often, when the wife shares these changes with her husband, she finds that he has his doubts. So the wife is left wondering what she may have to do in order to get him back or to be given a second chance.

I heard from a wife who said: “for several months, my husband has been complaining that I don’t respect him enough. He says that my friends seem to be more important to me than he is. He says that I take him for granted. He has been telling me that he wants to plan for our future and get a hold on our spending and our financial goals when all I want to do is party. For a long time, I ignored these discussions. Honestly, my husband sounded like my father and this was not much of a turn on. Sure, we are in our early thirties, but we are not sixty. My husband kept trying to get my attention. He would drop little hints about how unhappy he was. I was just annoyed that he kept bringing it up. Well, after a while he got tired of being so frustrated because I came home and found that he had left a note telling me that he didn’t want to live as we were anymore. He said that he felt he deserved some one who would at least listen to his wishes. He said that he felt we had different goals in life. Now that I have had a chance to process this, I realize that my husband has been absolutely right all along. Since we’ve been separated, I’ve had a chance to go out every night and party all I want. And now I realize what a completely empty life this is and I want no part of it at all. I can’t believe I ignored my husband in the way that I did when all he wanted was to build some security for us. I feel so guilty about this and I want for him to know that I now realize that he was only thinking about our best interests and I am very grateful for that. Last night, I called my husband and I tried to tell him a few of these things, but he cut me off and told me that it’s really just too late. He said that he forgives me and holds no ill feeling toward me but that again, we are just different. Now I don’t know what to do to get his attention. He usually can’t resist me when I get upset so I’m seriously considering begging him to give me one more chance. My friend says this is a pathetic way to communicate with your husband but I don’t know what else to do.”

I understood this wife’s desperation. There is nothing worse than coming to an important realization too late, especially where your marriage is concerned. But from personal experience, I’ve come to believe that begging him to take you back or begging him for another chance is often a mistake. I believe that there’s a better way. I will tell you why below.

Frankly, Begging Is Just An Extension Of The Behavior That He Has Already Rejected: Believe me when I saw that I did understand this wife’s thought process. I felt the same way. I considered the same thing and I even tried it once. But honestly, I think that this strategy only made my husband more turned off. It was just one additional rejection.

In this situation, the husband already felt that he and his wife were two different people. He saw himself as the more settled and mature one, while he saw his wife as more emotional and volatile. And he found these differences worrisome. Well, imagine if the wife went ahead and just started begging him to take her back. Sure, he might hear her words, but he could potentially process this as yet another demonstration of immaturity on her part. He might think that rather than having an adult conversation based on negotiation and facts, here was his wife falling back on raw emotion and trying to manipulate him. In a sense, it once again shows a lack of respect. I know that you think that you may not get his attention in another way, but let me offer you an alternative and see what you think.

A Suggested Script That Might Work Better Than Begging: One thing that bothered this husband was the wife’s lack of patience. He was troubled that she never wanted to think about their future. She just wanted to have fun today. Well, begging is just another way to try to get an immediate and easy result. So it may have been to this wife’s benefit to show her husband that she was capable of having the maturity to have some patience.

So a suggested script might be something like: “I know that you have doubts about what I am telling you. And that is understandable considering you couldn’t get my attention before. But, now that I have had some time to myself and have had a chance to really sit and listen, I do now realize that you were right. I do now realize that I would like to try things your way because I was acting only in the short term. Right now, I am more focused on the long term and on building a foundation for us. I know that you may not believe me today. But I hope that perhaps you will just watch and observe so that you might believe me in the future. I’m finished with partying. It doesn’t offer me anything but loneliness and isolation. And I think that if you give me a chance, I could show you that I am extremely sincere. I don’t expect for you to just blindly believe me today. But I hope that in time, you will see proof in my behaviors and in my actions.”

In short, you are asking him not to make a rash decision. And since he has shown himself to be steady and forward thinking, he may just agree to this. The key here is to do exactly what you have promised. You must make good on your claims so that he can see that you are sincere and are deserving of that second chance.

But to respond to the question posed, I think begging is always a bad idea when you are talking about two adults in an debate as important as this one. I think that the better call is to show him with actions.  This is what I had to do in order to save my own marriage.  If if helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who are looking for the perfect combination of what to do or say during their marital separation in order to lure their husband back to them.  Often, the wife knows that she wants to save her marriage and work things out while the husband is not so sure.  So the wife often intuitively knows that it would be to her benefit to say what the husband wants to hear, but the exact words often elude her.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband moved out about five weeks ago.  He moved out because he felt that we were too different to really make our marriage work.  He is very conservative and I am very outgoing. I guess you would call me a risk taker while he most definitely isn’t. He’s a planner and I am more than willing to fly by the seat of my pants.  I guess it comes down to the fact that he thinks that I am irresponsible and he thinks that being married to me is bringing him down.  He doesn’t want to not have savings or assets because his wife isn’t mature enough to save and plan.  I do understand this.  But it feels as if he is rejecting me rather than being concerned about my spending habits.  I am more than willing to be more responsible about money and about the things that are important to him.  I have tried to tell him this, but he always interrupts me or he seems to discount what I am saying.  The point is, I have tried to tell him that I can and will change.  It doesn’t seem to matter.  I have told him that I love him and that I can be a good wife who can make him happy.  But my words don’t seem to work. What does he want for me to say?  What is he waiting to hear?  I want to tell him whatever words he is waiting for, but I’m just not sure what it is.”  I will try to address this in the following article.

Know That It Often Isn’t Your Words That He Is Waiting For:  I know that it’s very tempting to think that if you just said the right things, then he would understand that it is to his benefit to go ahead and come home and work things out.

But what you may not realize is this.  Usually by the time that someone finally becomes motivated to leave or separate, they have built up a good deal of doubt that things are really going to change for the long term.  So they are understandably going to have some doubt regardless of the words that you say.  You could say the most articulate, pretty, and sincere words and he might still doubt the sincerity or the accuracy of what you are saying simply because he may have heard it before. Or because he knows that you are motivated to say whatever you need to say in order to get him back.

So, although what you say is important and it can help, it is often going to take more than words to end the separation and to get him home.  You will often have to follow up anything that you say with sustained and continuous action.

The truth is, people can and do say anything in order to get their spouse back home.  And only a small number of them actually do what they say or make good on their claims. And this isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault.  People just naturally fall back into their old habits unless they are very consciously and deliberately evaluating their actions and behaviors on a near constant basis.

What To Say To Set The Stage For Your Upcoming Actions: Hopefully by now you accept that you are going to have to follow up any words with action.  Frankly, what you do is more important than what you say.  However, in order to build up to this, you might want to say something like:  “I know that you have doubts when I say that I am willing to change and to act more responsibly about the things that are important to you.  I do understand why it’s important to you to plan for our future.  And I am willing to respect your wishes in this regard because I know that you are only looking out for us in the future. I know that you think we are very different people and you are probably right about that.  But I believe that if we handle our differences correctly, they can work for us rather than against us.  I know that you’re not going to believe what I am saying simply because I’m stringing some words together. But I plan to show you that I mean what I say.  I am confident that over time, it will be obvious how sincere I am.  I hope that you will give me that chance and that you will keep an open mind and allow me to prove these changes over time.”

Your husband is much more likely to accept words like these.  The reason for this is that you are not asking him to just blindly believe you.  Instead, you are only asking him to keep an open mind as you prove your claims by showing him rather than telling him.

So to answer the question posed, there usually isn’t a string of words that will make a separated husband want to immediately come home simply because most husbands will have some doubts.  It helps to adequately address the issues between you.  And it helps to tell him that you are going to prove your words to be true with your actions.  But frankly, most of the time, actions matter much more than words.

Believe me when I say that I tried many combinations of different words when my husband and I were separated and I was desperately trying to get him back.  But it wasn’t until I took decisive action that he began to pay attention.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are really struggling to remain positive during their marital or trial separation. Intellectually, they often know that keeping an upbeat attitude is vital to giving them the best chance of attracting their husband and saving their marriage. However, their heart doesn’t seem to want to follow along. They are torn apart by the separation. They are paralyzed by the fear. And they miss their husbands so much that they can’t think of anything else.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have only been separated for about two weeks. I am devastated. If you had told me even a year ago that my husband and I would be living apart, I would have never believed it. I know that we’ve had our problems but I just never thought it would come to this. My husband is open to seeing me even though we’re separated. He’s agreed to go out to lunch every Sunday after church. So basically we have the whole day together and I know that this is a huge opportunity for me. The problem is that I am so overcome with sadness during the whole day. All I can think about is that in a few short hours, he is going to get in his car and drive away to his own apartment that I do not share. I dwell on the fact that I might not even see him again until the next Sunday.  I worry about how much I am going to miss him for the entire week. I know that this probably brings him down and makes his less likely to want to spend a long time with me or to want to see me again, but I just can’t seem to help myself. I am very sad about this and I just can’t seem to act as if I’m not. I suppose I’m just not a good actress. What do I do now?” I’ll try to respond to these concerns in the following article.

Try To Focus On What You Still Have Instead Of What You Don’t Have: Believe me when I say that I know exactly where you are right now. I became extremely depressed when my husband and I were separated. And I know that my sorrow was obvious. In fact, there was a time when my husband would make all sorts of excuses to avoid being with me and I’m sure that part of that was because he knew that I would bring him down. I’m sure that it wasn’t a lot of fun to spend time with me. And I can’t blame him for wanting to avoid it.

So how did I force myself out of this? There were a couple of ways. First, I forced myself to go and visit my extended family. I needed some distance because I knew that if I was within driving distance to my husband, I was going to continue to make a pest of myself. The distance forced me to end the cycle, which was vital.

Then, when I got back, I started trying to focus on the positive things that were still in my life. I began to keep a gratitude journal. I know that this might sound overly simplistic but I can’t possibly overstate what a huge impact this had on me. I forced myself to write in my journal and record no fewer than ten things that I had to be grateful for every day.

When you do this for a couple of weeks, you will notice a strange and yet wonderful thing beginning to happen. Because you know that you will be responsible for coming up with ten blessings for that day, you start watching for them. You become much more aware of all of the positive things that are still in your life. Over time, you become grateful for the very fact that you are alive and able to appreciate that beautiful sunset, even if, just for right now, you are looking at it alone.

You start to realize that the very fact that you are alive with the family and friends that you still have are a reason for celebration. It may sound silly, but I hope that you will give it a try. It had a huge impact on my life and now that my husband and I are back together, I still make this a daily habit. And it has had a positive impact on my marriage also.

Help Someone Else: Again, this may sound like a cliche. But if you make it a habit to help someone else, then you will often feel much more upbeat and happy. I tried to find something that wasn’t so far outside of my comfort zone that I would dread going. I love to read and I spend a lot of time in the library. So I started tutoring reading there just once per week. Many libraries have a program such as this. This forced me to get out of the house and it was easy to forget my problems when I saw a child suddenly understand something that I had helped that child with.

I could give you more examples, but I am sure you get the idea. You have to break the cycle of continuing to dwell on the separation. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring. You may well be pleasantly surprised with how things turn out so you shouldn’t assume the worst or just put your life on hold while you are waiting.

In this particular case, there was probably a lot for this wife to be thankful for on a beautiful Sunday afternoon when she was having lunch with someone who meant so much to her. Sure, she hoped that things were different. But the fact that her husband was willing to meet with her regularly and spend a weekend day with her was certainly a good sign. Now, she just had to set it up so that they both started to look forward to those meetings because they were pleasant and fun for both of them.  She might start to focus on the feeling of sunlight on her back or the curve of her husband’s smile.  The point is, you can’t dwell on what is bad. You have to focus on what is good and have faith that in time, things will turn around.

As I’m sure you can tell, I was a mess during my own separation.  And I literally had to force myself outside of my comfort zone so I could dig myself out of my despair.  And once I was successful with this, it helped my marriage also.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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