Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who suspect that their spouse is no longer in love with them. Sometimes, this suspicion isn’t really something that they can define. It isn’t any one particular behavior that they are seeing from their spouse. In fact, this assumption is often based on a vague feeling that they have. And this can make you question if what you are seeing is real of if you are just imagining things.

Common comments are things like: “I don’t think that my husband is in love with me anymore. It isn’t that he is cruel or says the wrong things. He is present and he is a good father. I do think that he loves me and by that I mean that he thinks that I am a good person and he feels love for me because I am part of his family. But I don’t feel as if he has romantic love for me anymore. He doesn’t look at me with love in his eyes. He doesn’t look like he desires me anymore. He never goes out of his way to be nice to me. Am I just imagining this? How can you tell when your spouse is no longer in love with you, although he may love you as a person?” I will try to address this concern in the following article.

Some Behaviors You Might See If Your Spouse Thinks That They Are No Longer In Love With You: Notice that I said “thinks” that he no longer loves you. I firmly believe that the circumstances that surround your marriage can make one or both of you think that the love is gone when in fact this might not be the case. I will get to that later. But for right now, here are some signs to look for.

Often when your spouse suspects that the love is leaving your marriage, you will notice him distancing himself from you on many levels. Very often, he will spend more time at work or he will go out of his way to spend more time with his friends or coworkers. He may pick up an old hobby or start a new one so that he can spend more time out of the house.

He may start to forget special occasions or things that are important to you. He might look right through you instead of really looking at you. Often, you feel as if he sees you as his roommate or his partner in parenting rather than his lover or his soul mate. Your sex life will often take a hit although it’s not out of the question for there to be sparks or improvement or normalcy as your spouse is trying to rekindle the passion to prove to themselves that the love is still there.

He might start to make little insensitive digs at you or exhibit passive aggressive behavior where he is criticizing you in a round about way that is still obvious to you. Sometimes, when you ask him about this, he will deny that anything is wrong. But no matter what he says, you can feel that something significant has changed between you. Now that I have talked about how to recognize some of the signs, I will talk about what to do about it.

You Don’t Need An Admission In Order To Act: It’s very normal in this situation to want a confirmation. In other words, many wives in this situation would demand for their husband to confirm or deny that he is no longer in love with them. Much of the time, the husband will deny this even if he believes that it is true because he doesn’t want to hurt his wife or he doesn’t want to deal with the fall out of this.

And sometimes when the wife doesn’t get this confirmation, she will give up and just hope for the best. The thing is, I believe that you don’t need a confirmation to act. In my experience, you don’t need a firm confirmation in order to try to drastically improve your marriage. After all, there are not many marriages that can not use or benefit from a little improvement. At the worst case, you will have improved your marriage when it didn’t really desperately need it. And honestly, there’s not much downside to that.

So it would be my suggestion that even if your husband is denying that anything is wrong, listen to your gut. Examine your lives and your marriage and see if there is any recent stressor that might be contributing to this. Often, when your life or your marriage is under pressure, your marriage will weaken and this leads to your spouse thinking that the love has left or diminished, when in reality all that has happened is that your circumstances have changed.

I find that it’s very common for people to think that they don’t have any new stressor. Frankly, stressors are all around us. I hope that you don’t take this in the wrong way, but becoming parents and raising children can be one of the biggest stressors. Changes in your job can create stress without your even realizing it.

Often, there are things that you can do to lessen the fall out from the stressor even if you can’t completely eliminate it. For example, you obviously can not change the fact that you are a parent and that parenting takes up a great deal of your time and emotional resources (nor would you ever want to change this.) But, you can prioritize your marriage and make sure that you have enough time for yourself, for your spouse, and for your marriage despite the challenges. I know that this seems to be common sense, but so many people fully realize this and yet they take no action.

People tend to think that they will pay attention or take action when their children are a little older or when they have more money or become more secure in their jobs. But what if it is too late then? People often tell me that they feel so frustrated that they can’t control the way that their spouse feels about them. I know this feeling.  But I also know that what you can control are the circumstances in your marriage. Lessen your stressors and increase that precious quality time together. Honestly, you just can’t expect for your marriage to thrive without it. And often, you will find that when you place your focus here, you will be greatly rewarded when the romantic feelings intensify or return.

There was a time when my husband believed that he was no longer in love with me and we separated as a result.  This was a difficult time in our lives.  But once I was able to change the circumstances, the feelings changed as well.  And I was able to rebuild.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who have been filed with divorce papers from a spouse who acted in the heat of the moment. Often, one spouse has done something to make the other so mad that they feel compelled to do something very dramatic in order to make a statement.  Sometimes, this statement turns out to be filing for divorce.  And this can make one wonder if these actions are actually authentic or if they have only been fueled by the anger that many eventually burn out.

I heard from someone who said: “my husband found out about a secret I’ve been keeping and he became so enraged that he filed for a divorce. My father is an alcoholic who has been borrowing money from me for the last couple of years. He takes a long time to pay it back or he doesn’t pay it back at all and my husband told me to stop giving him money. Last week, my father told me that he was going to lose his house. He asked me to give him some money just until payday. I took money out of our account to give to my father knowing that I would put it back in before my husband would notice. For whatever reason, my husband decided to look at the bank account before payday and he caught me. I had the money deposited in there the next day to replace it but it was too late. My husband was already so mad that he went to an attorney and filed for divorce. I know that we have problems because of my dad. But I feel like he filed because he was so mad about what I did. Believe me, I will never do something like this again. Is it possible that he could still care about me? Could our marriage possibly stand a chance?”

This is certainly only my opinion and I absolutely could be wrong, but I think it was probably a safe bet that the husband did still care. The fact that he had such strong emotions that he took this type of dramatic and swift action shows that he is likely still invested. If he wasn’t, he likely wouldn’t have had much of a reaction at all, except for being disappointed but not surprised. But the fact that he was this outraged indicated that he still had some belief in his wife that had been shattered by her actions.

His Still Caring May Not Be Your Biggest Issue: Yes, he may still care. But frankly, caring isn’t the only thing that is required to keep your marriage not only intact, but also strong. Because people can love their spouses very much, but they can get divorced anyway because love just was not enough. Sometimes, people get so worn down and so battered by their spouse’s repeated actions that they just get to the point where they think they’ve had enough. I suspected that this is where the husband felt that he was.

He may well have still loved his wife, but he likely also felt that she was never going to change and that she was going to keep going behind his back when he had asked her not to. Once he accepted that she wasn’t willing or able to change, then the only real option left is to walk away unless he wanted to live the rest of his life with these kinds of secrets and lies, which he obviously did not. He probably felt that although he loved his wife, love clearly wasn’t enough to make her stop her behavior and her secrecy. It’s very important for you to understand that your spouse can still care about you and love you very much but you might still end up divorced if your spouse thinks that you will not change. That’s why it’s vital that you show him that you can and will change.

Understand And Address The Root Issues: The wife probably thought that she was getting a divorce because the husband caught her giving her alcoholic father money. But this was only part of it. This was only the tip of the iceberg. Her being secretive and giving her dad money when her husband had asked her not to indicated a bigger problem and a lack of communication and respect. So rather than just apologizing or trying to promise that she wouldn’t do it again, she needed to make her husband believe that she understood that he felt disrespected and lied to. She needed to show a willingness to change the way they interacted with trust and money issues. Because the father’s alcoholism was not the entire problem, but it was a main symptom that repeatedly manifested this couple’s issues with trust and secrecy.

I suspected that the husband would eventually calm down. And he may even be willing to talk about calling off the divorce. But if they didn’t address the core issues, this was likely to keep coming up again and again even if her father exited the picture. That’s why it was vital that she took a very close look at the honesty and secrecy issues. Because this husband might have still cared very much, but he may have also been tired of this cycle. And that is why it’s so important to break it.

When my husband and I separated, I believe that we still cared for one another.  But our feelings weren’t enough to overcome the problems that my husband perceived we had.  Over a period of time, I had to show my husband sincere change. And this is what allowed me to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are alarmed to find that they no longer have any strong feelings for their spouse. Often, they wish that they did still have these feelings because that would make life a lot easier for themselves or for their families. But, when they are being honest, they have to admit that they just don’t. And they wonder what this means for their marriage and for their family.

I heard from a wife who said: “I have to admit that having kids was not great for my marriage. My husband and I were so happy very early in our marriage. But since we’ve had a couple of kids, things have cooled between us. I no longer feel pins and needles when he touches me. I no longer feel loving feelings when I look at him. The other night was our anniversary. We took the kids with us to dinner. After my husband paid the bill, he looked into my eyes and said ‘I love you.’ And I’m embarrassed and sorry to say that I didn’t feel anything at all. There were no romantic feelings. I didn’t even feel sentimental really. I was just thinking that I wished he would quickly pay the bill so I could go home, get to bed, and put this day behind me. I am very sad about this whole thing, but I just can not change how I feel or how I don’t feel. I’ve tried to feel more romantic toward him. But I just don’t. At the same time, I don’t want a divorce. Family is extremely important to me. I don’t want my children to grow up in a single-parent home. So where do I go from here? Because ten years ago, I could never imagine just feeling nothing when my spouse expressed love for me.”

This sounds like an alarming situation, but I can not tell you how common it is, especially when the couple is juggling careers, responsibilities, and children. And it’s my opinion that it certainly doesn’t mean that your marriage is over. In the following article, I will offer some things that you can try to turn this situation around.

It’s Time To Tend The Rose Garden: I will admit that this is a corny cliche that is often used when referring to your marriage. But, I am using it anyway because it is so truthful and relevant. If you leave your rose garden unattended, it will eventually develop a series of diseases while the leaves and flowers will miniaturize until they no longer even resemble the beautiful rose that they used to be. (I know this first hand as I keep growing roses despite the work.) In fact, if you ignore a rose garden, you will likely eventually wonder if it is more trouble than it is worth. But if you just tackle the maintenance as it comes, then you are rewarded with roses that you are actually proud to cut and display.

The same is true with a marriage. If you do not take the time to nurture and care for it, then eventually, it is going to shrivel up and be choked out by disease or weeds. And this is true no matter how beautiful it was when you first planted it.

In your marriage, the minimal maintenance necessary is carefree time together alone. This means without children. This means without talking about the bills or the house or all of the other things that are necessary but unpleasant. By no means am I suggesting that you ignore your problems. But set aside some sacred time for only the two of you. Yes, this may be awkward and uncomfortable at first. But with time, you will be rewarded with glimpses of the relationship that used to make you very happy. And you will see the man who used to make you weak in the knees.

Make It A Priority To Lighten Your Load In Other Areas: Please bear with me when I say this. I don’t mean to make it sound as if you are not handling your life with complete mastery. However, sometimes when we are juggling so many things, we can’t fully take in any of those things. This can negatively affect your perceptions of every area of your life. Let me be very honest. Many wives tell me that when they are trying to handle the job, the child, the home, and the marriage, they begin to view their husband as just one more task to check off of their to-do list. And when this happens, of course your feelings for him are going to be negatively affected because he is just more task for you to complete when you are already understandably exhausted.

This is why it is vital that you do whatever you need to do to lighten your load. Because if you can eliminate some of those things off of your to-do list, then you can start to give your full attention to those things that are still on it. Give yourself permission to let down some of your load. This may mean hiring out some chores or accepting that your house isn’t always going to look perfect. But define those things or relationships that you really want to enjoy and put everything else on the bottom shelf. Your children are only young once. Your marriage is hopefully still the most important relationship in your life. So these things should come first without any hesitation. Once you make this shift, you will often find that your feelings will begin to return because your priorities are now in balance.

It was no wonder that this wife just wanted to come home. She was exhausted. She knew that homework and the clean up were waiting for her. That’s why it was vital that she be relentless about lighting her load and asking for more of her husband’s help. Frankly, there is nothing more sexy and alluring than a man who helps his wife with his children. I urged this wife to insist on this shift. Because I felt that once she did, her feelings for her husband would likely begin to return.  I know firsthand that when the circumstances improve, the feelings of love can come back.

I will admit that in my own marriage it was my husband’s feelings that had started to wane.   We separated for a while as a result.  But once we worked together to prioritize our marriage and leave all of the other pressures behind, this made a true difference for us.  I am very confident that his feelings for me have returned.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I think that there are two different types of people when it comes to trial separations – those who wanted the separation or initiated it and those who absolutely don’t want it and who want to save their marriage more than anything else.  And I often hear from   the folks who didn’t want the separation in the first place but who now just want to handle it in the most positive way possible so that they can ultimately save their marriage.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband has pushed for a separation for several months.  I have tried many different things to talk him out of this.  I have worked on our marriage and shown him that I can change in the hopes that he would forget about the whole thing and be happy in our marriage again. And there were times when things really improved, but still, he remained very clear on the fact that he wouldn’t be happy until we tried separating.  It is now clear to me that he isn’t going to give up on this idea so I have agreed to it, but it’s very important to me that we both agree that it is a trial separation and not a permanent one.  At this point, I am hoping that it only lasts for a couple of weeks.  But, he won’t give me any firm commitment on how long he plans to be gone.  How do I make the best of this?  Because honestly, it is taking everything in me not to fall apart.  When my husband sees me struggling, I can tell that he gets frustrated with me so I try to hide my feelings.  I am trying to act like I’m being strong and upbeat for his benefit but part of me knows that he isn’t buying it. So I am trying to come up with a plan so that I can get through this, not annoy my husband, and save my marriage all at the same time.  But when I am even thinking about this or even writing it, I understand how ambitious that is.  Clearly, my husband may not want to be married to me anymore.  And I have to come up with a way to understand that. But I can not accept it, not yet.  How do I deal with this separation in a positive way so that I don’t go crazy and alienate my husband?”  I’ll try to offer some tips and advice that I have found helpful in the following article.

Don’t Panic Or Feel As If You Have To Execute Everything Perfectly: Often, when people worry that their marriage is on the line, they feel as if there is no room to make a mistake.  But unfortunately, this leads to a high level of anxiety that almost always ensures that you are going to be awkward or nervous.  And then that happens, things can spiral downward from there.  Yes, you may have hit a rough patch in your marriage.  But you already know that your husband loves the woman that he fell in love with.  You already have those circumstances that you can use to your advantage.

Unfortunately, we don’t always use the advantages that we have because we forget about them when we are worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing.  Try not to over think it.  Try to see it as you are still married and committed, but you are taking a break so that you can come back together even stronger and better.  If you can do this, you will likely interact with your husband much more successfully.

Do Whatever You Need To Do To Appear Upbeat, Capable, And Self Respecting:  I know first hand that it is easy to become desperate and lonely.  And when these negative feelings are fueling your actions, you will often do and say things that you later regret.  I know that it is easy to feel sad, fearful, depressed, and just anxious.  You don’t know what tomorrow brings and you likely want and need the reassurance that he might not be offering you.

But, as difficult as it is, know that you will often have much more success if you can present yourself as someone who is coping as best as she can because she respects herself enough to pick herself up and put one step in front of the other.

So how does this look in real life? Even if you don’t feel like it, you surround yourself with supportive and positive people and things.  You reach out to others without isolating yourself.  You work on making yourself as strong as you can possibly be and you examine what you really want and need right now.

Don’t Put Too Much Pressure Onto The Situation:  Understandably, it’s normal to want the separation to be over be quickly.  But be careful not to rush it so much that your spouse begins to feel pressured.  You want for him to come back when he feels good about doing so.  That means that it is better to take your time and identify and address what is necessary than to just try to get him home any way that you can.  You want for him to willingly want to come home and to be excited about the same.  You want to lay a new foundation so that you can move forward with confidence.

This is not a process that you can or should rush.  Have fun dating and getting to know one another again.  Try to be very light hearted and casual rather than making each meeting seem so important that it sags under the pressure.  You don’t want for your spouse to avoid you because he knows that you will apply more pressure.  Instead, you want for him to look forward to seeing you. And sometimes, that means that you put off or shelf the very difficult issues temporarily until your relationship is strong and stable enough to deal with them.  At first, you just want to relate to one another in a positive and repetitive way.

I understand where you are right now.  When my husband and I first separated, I did not handle it in a positive way at all.  I was clingy.  I was fearful.  And I was sad.  All of things contributed to me holding on too tightly and this actually pushed my husband further away from me.  It wasn’t until I acted in a more positive way that my husband was receptive to me and we saved our marriage.  If it helps, you can read that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives whose husbands feel that the end of their marriage is drawing near. This is often after a “break,” trial separation, or rough spot in their marriage. Much of the time, the wife doesn’t feel that it’s over for her. She still very much believes in her marriage and in their love for one another. That’s why she is often so very disappointed when her husband doesn’t move closer to her but instead begins to pull away. The wife is often determined to hang on until her husband very directly asks her to please let him go.  And if and when this does eventually happen, it can be heartbreaking.

I heard from a wife who said: “about seven months ago, my husband left home for a trial separation. I was very angry with him because we had been fighting for months, but I still did not want him to move out. He insisted that we could no longer live under the same roof so he left. In a very short period of time, I calmed down completely and I realized that our fights were over silly things that we were blowing way out of proportion. Without weeks, I was ready to roll up my sleeves and fix my marriage. I was willing to make concessions and cooperate with my husband so that we could come up with a solution where we could both be happy. However, I could never convince my husband to go along. We would occasionally see one another, mostly when I would take the initiative. We have shared a few laughs and had a few dinners together, but I never felt that we would reconcile any time soon. At the same time, I never thought that my husband would want to end it any time soon either. About six weeks ago, my husband said he had been thinking that maybe we needed to make our separation legal or permanent. I was devastated and very resistant. And I begged my husband to give it some time. He agreed. But he never made himself available to me. He would no longer take my calls nearly as much or welcome me when I came by. I got the very obvious impression that he was trying to distance himself from me. After a few weeks of not hearing anything from him, I went over to his apartment unannounced. He let me in but he would only sigh and say ‘please, you have got to let me go. I am asking you to let me go so that we don’t end up at each other’s throats.’ I was so upset I couldn’t even respond. I thought I had months before we even broached the topic of letting each other go. I am not prepared to let him go. Even the thought of it makes me feel ill. What can I do?” I will try my best to offer some insights that might help below.

Before I tell you my opinion, I have to tell you that by no means am I an expert. But I have been through this myself. And I know how badly it hurts. I understand that the thought of not having him in your life feels like the worst case scenario. But in this article, I am going to ask you to think more about the long term and less about the short term. Because quite often, if you can stop yourself from making very big mistakes in the immediate future, then you have the potential to gain a lot of ground in the distant future.

Let’s think for a minute about what you want the most. I suspect that you really want two things more than anything else: to not hurt as much and to have a chance of one day getting your husband back. Sometimes, you have to focus very hard on the first objective so that the second one can happen. And I know that this is a hard concept to embrace when things seem so immediate, but you will sometimes be rewarded for doing so. And frankly, the downside for not doing so is opening yourself up to more risk, at least in my opinion. I will discuss this more below.

Understand The Risk Of Continuing To Push When He’s Very Clearly Asked You Not To: I think most people would agree that it’s pretty clear here that the husband needed some space and time. Yes, the wife had already given him this during the separation, but pushing yourself on someone who has asked you to let them go is often not going to go well. I know that it is so hard to even conceive of backing up. Because when you fear losing what you love the most, then you want to grasp it even tighter. But sometimes, if you grasp it too tightly, you will break that fragile bit that remains.

I know that you may feel that if you can just talk to him at the right time or say the right words and make him understand, then perhaps this will all work out OK. I understand this thought process. I had it too. But all this thinking got me was a husband who wanted to get  far away from me. Honestly, it made my losing him much more likely, as is often the case.

Backing Off Is Not Always The Same As Giving Up: It is my opinion and experience that the best thing to do in this situation is to back off and give your spouse the time that he obviously wants. Does that mean that you have to give him up or let him go? I realize that some will disagree with me when I say no. It’s my belief that only you can decide when you are ready to do this. There are times when backing off and allowing your husband the time to miss you or allowing the time to change both of your perspectives may mean that you don’t have to let him go. But that is something that you will have to give some time in order to find out what is going to happen.

But for right now, backing off is going to help you accomplish one of your objectives. And it will give you the chance of accomplishing the second. I know that you think that it might be more painful to back off. But it’s my experience that no pain is greater than seeing the rejection written on his face when you are looking right at him. I put literal distance between my husband and I when things got to this point between us. At first I thought I might not survive it, but it turned out to be a very sound choice. We both got some perspective and I didn’t do something or act in a way that I would later regret.

Eventually my backing off lead to my husband being more receptive to me. It was a slow climb back to being happy together again, but that was fine with me as long as there was a chance. Sometimes, pressure is the worst thing that you can do to a relationship when it can feel like the only choice. Take some time to be deliberate with your response.

To answer the question posed, I believe that backing away can be a decent choice in this situation. It keeps you from acting rashly. It gives your husband the space that he obviously needs. And it also makes it appear as if you are in the beginning stages of letting go, even if you suspect that you might be buying some time. But I don’t think that you have to let anyone go until you make that decision on your own time and after you have more time to process this and see what might happen in the days to come.

Did I let my husband go even though he wanted me to?  No, I didn’t.  I bought myself some time instead.  Admittedly, there was a risk that my strategy wouldn’t work and that I would eventually be forced to let him go.  But I was only prepared to do this on my own time.  And, I put some distance between us so that this wouldn’t be an unhealthy situation for me.  I would certainly never tell you that this will always work.  But I believe that it’s better than pushing and making things works.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who had previously felt somewhat certain that a divorce was the right path for them to take. But now that a little time has passed or they are at the point where they would naturally file, they aren’t so sure. And this place of indecision can be scary and unsettling. After all, what if they make a mistake? What if they eventually regret it? And what if they make the wrong decision and there’s no turning back?

I heard from a wife who said: “three months ago, I was sure that I wanted to divorce my husband. The spark has been gone for quite some time. I see so many of my friends who are divorced and who I know for a fact that they are so much happier. So I had it in my head that I was going to file before the holidays. I haven’t told my husband of my intentions, but I think that he knows. I never go out of my way to spend time with him anymore. Well, last month, my husband’s father passed away. I loved his father as much as he did. And we spent a lot of time together planning the memorial service. I felt like it was only right that I comfort my husband. And we bonded a little. So now I am not so sure about the divorce. But my friend says that all I am feeling for my husband is pity and nothing more. She says that in a couple of months, I will go back to feeling nothing but disdain for my husband again. Is she right? Am I making too much out of this? Should I just go ahead and file divorce and hope that it is the right decision?”

I don’t think that it’s possible to “make too much” out of decision as big as this one. This is your marriage that you are talking about. And ending it is probably one of the biggest decisions that you will ever make in your life. And yes, plenty of people end up regretting this decision very deeply.

Admittedly, in my own marriage and separation, I was the spouse who was clear that I didn’t want to end my marriage. While my husband was sure that he did. But I believe if you asked my husband today if staying with me was a mistake, he would give you a resounding no. The truth is that we were able to work through our problems and rebuild our marriage. And I don’t think that either of us can imagine our lives without the other. But a short time ago, things between us were not nearly as rosy. My point is things can change and improve quite dramatically. And if you are still seeing the good in your spouse, are still feeling somewhat positive or protective feelings when the occasion calls for it, and are having some doubts, then it’s my opinion that perhaps you should sit down and listen to what your gut is trying to tell you.

And that’s not to say that listening to your gut is going to save your marriage. It’s possible that somewhere down the road, you will discover that despite your best efforts, it really is best to get a divorce. But don’t you both deserve the luxury of time and patience in order to work that out?

My Opinion On How You Know It’s Time To Consider Walking Away: I will admit that I am pretty biased and certainly not objective. I saved a marriage that many felt was essentially over. So I will always lean toward saving your marriage at all costs. However, I do acknowledge that there are times when it is really over. And I hear from a lot of people on my blog who are in this situation. Many are completely at peace over their decision to get a divorce, which can be a good indicator that this was the right decision for them. And often, they are at peace because they know that everything that could possibly have been tried has already been attempted. They know that they have given it their all. And at the end of this process, they know that they no longer have romantic feelings for their spouse nor do they feel the commitment that is required to save their marriage. They know this for sure without any indecision. And they are completely confident that they have made the right choice. Often, they are parting as friends because there are no negative feelings. They often still look at their spouse with some affection. They realize that they have beautiful memories, but now it is time to move on.

Frankly, I don’t think that this description applied to this wife. She wasn’t at a point where she could peacefully make this decision because she hadn’t yet tried various things to save her marriage. In fact, she had plenty to work with since she and her husband had been bonding and some of her feelings were returning. So wouldn’t it make sense to follow this up and see if there was any hope that the improvements could continue? That way, at least if she ultimately did decide to walk away, she would know that she did everything possible to prevent this.

Honestly, it is my experience that people who are ready or suitable for a divorce don’t have to ask where they are in the process. They already know. They don’t have doubts and they aren’t second guessing themselves. Because when you are, then that’s a good indication that perhaps you don’t really want the divorce or you feel as if you owe it to yourself and your spouse to first try everything that you can before you walk away.

As I alluded to, I was pretty clear on the fact that my marriage wasn’t over. But my spouse was not. Thankfully, I was able to convince him to try a couple of more things before we ultimately divorced. And neither of us have ever regretted this. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people whose primary objective in life right now is to reconcile with their spouse. They are often going through a difficult separation or their spouse has left the home. And frequently, multiple approaches to facilitate a reconciliation have been tried. But, despite their best efforts, one of the spouses is still reluctant to get back together full time.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for almost four months. He is well aware of the fact that my greatest wish is to get back together. My children and I miss him terribly. Every day is a challenge and we just want our family life back. There were a couple of different reasons for the separation but the main one was that my husband thinks that we are not compatible anymore. He feels that he is more serious and settled and I am more reckless and carefree. I admit that we have different personalities. But I don’t think that this is a deal breaker. My husband says that he doesn’t want to spend his entire life feeling pressured to live a life that he doesn’t want. He said he prefers a quiet life and he doesn’t want to pretend to be someone that he is not. He is older than I am and although that has never been an issue for me, I guess it is now an issue for him. I admit that I have pressured him to go out and loosen up in the past. But I certainly won’t do it anymore. In the past, he has caught me going out with friends when I told him I was working. So there is a trust issue also. I don’t intend to ever do this again. I would not risk my marriage for any lifestyle or any friends and I have repeatedly told my husband the same. We have made some progress during the separation. He is more loving toward me and I am more willing to spend quiet nights at home. So since things are going so well, I suggested that my husband come home so we can reconcile. He told me that he isn’t ready for that. I don’t get it. Why is he so reluctant? Is there someone else? Is he never going to come back?”

I could identify with this wife. When my husband and I were separated, my pace was much more immediate than his. Every day without him seemed like an eternity. He took a very “wait and see” attitude while I felt that every day that he didn’t come home was a huge defeat that brought me closer to a divorce. It is very common for one spouse to be the one pushing very hard for the reconciliation while the other is not quite so sure. And this can be normal. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your spouse is never coming home, that there is someone else, or that they will never want to get back together. There are common and legitimate reasons for them to be reluctant to come home quite yet. I will discuss them below.

Often, People Are Reluctant To Reconcile Because They Aren’t Sure That Things Have Really Changed: Most of the time, your spouse is well aware that you are willing to say or do anything to get them back home. And understandably, this contributes to them having some doubts about the accuracy of everything that you are telling them. There’s no denying that usually both people want to believe that things have really changed and that your problems are not going to resurface. But it’s normal to have concerns about this, especially if not much time has passed during your separation. The main concern is often that the spouse will come home to find that he is dealing with the same troublesome issues that caused him to leave in the first place. There is often worry that you are saying what you need to say in order to get him to come home, but then you will go back to your regular behavior once you have met your goal.

Of course, you likely know that neither of these things are true and you are wondering how to convince him that you are sincere and that the changes are real and lasting. I will cover those issues right now.

Be Willing To Be Patient And To Show The Validity Of Your Changes Over A Longer Period Of Time: I do understand that you want your husband home as soon as possible. I know what that feels like. But I also know what it feels like to watch helplessly as your husband once again distances himself from you because you are pressuring him too much.

There is a real risk of pushing so hard that you seem too desperate. After all, he might think, if you have really changed and gained maturity, then what is the rush? Why the need for all of the pressure? As difficult as it is, often the best and the most successful strategy is to back off a little bit, especially if you are feeling resistance or doubt. You don’t want to make it appear that you are so insecure about your marriage and your progress that your only plan is to keep insisting on an immediate reconciliation. Instead, have confidence that over time, he will see that you are telling the truth because nothing is going to change and you have nothing to hide.  This will give you both confidence that the reconciliation is real and can actually work for the long term.

Keep doing what you have been doing in order to earn the progress that you are seeing. Have confidence that the changes you have made are genuine and lasting. Because if they are, this will eventually become obvious to your husband. And you don’t want to jeopardize the progress that you have made my applying too much pressure. Often the best thing that you can do is to have patience and to continue to build upon the progress you have already made. Once you do that, then it should be much more obvious to him that he can believe in the change he’s seeing. And as a result, you will have more of his enthusiasm and cooperation.

As I alluded to, I know how this feels. But, I also know how devastating it is to lose all of your progress because you allied to much pressure. I learned the hard way that it is better to wait until your spouse is sure than to pressure your spouse and have him back away. Because at that point, you have to work over time to make up what you have lost. I finally did get my reconciliation, but I made many mistakes first. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who separated and who intuitively know that they need to back away slightly during the separation. Many understand that placing their focus on their self and on their own well being might provide some relief and help the situation. But, in real life, they just don’t know how to actually carry this out. It is often harder to actually do this than to think about it.

I heard from someone who said: “my husband left me about six weeks ago. He says that this is just a trial separation and that he has no immediate plans to seek a divorce. However, he isn’t very accessible or receptive to me right now. If I want to talk to him, I am always the one who has to call. He never calls me. If I didn’t take the initiative, I would probably never talk to or see him. Sometimes, I feel like I am being a pest to him. I feel like I shouldn’t be bothering him as much. Many of my girlfriends say that right now, I just need to take care of myself and stop worrying about him so much. I know that this is good advice. But I don’t know how to start. The other day, I thought I might write in a journal and every word was about my husband. I ended up in tears and I had to stop. Everything comes back to him no matter what I do. How do I focus on myself when thoughts of myself always bring me back to him?” I will address this in the following article.

I understand this very intimately. My situation was similar. I became so focused on my husband that eventually he was trying to avoid me. I knew that I was making many mistakes and coming on too strong, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I knew that calling or texting or coming by again was only going to annoy my husband. And yet, I picked up the phone or got in my car anyway. I knew that it was a destructive pattern and cycle. And yet I couldn’t stop it.

Eventually, I had to remove myself from my husband’s presence in order to stop this. I actually went to visit my family so that we weren’t in the same town. That was one way that I knew that I wouldn’t continue on with what I knew was hurting my situation. I gave my cell phone to my mom and asked her to put it away. These things were very rash, but they became necessary. And looking back, I don’t think that I would have had to take it this far if I had done small and relatively easy ways to stop me from this cycle. I’ll offer some suggestions that will hopefully help you do this below.

Set Up Positive Outings And Encounters That You Won’t Or Can’t Try To Cancel: I believe that it is so important to get out of the house when you are going through this. I know that many people will pull out the old photos, put on the old pajamas, and play the old songs. And this can be OK and necessary for a day or two. But you don’t want to isolate yourself in this way. Here is some examples to get you thinking about what might work in your own situation.  Find a good friend or family member and make some regular plans so that someone is counting on you and will not allow you to beg off. Tell your neighbor that the two of you will go power walking every day after work. Plan to volunteer a couple of times of week and know that you don’t want to let others down by not showing up. Pay for some personal training knowing that you will go so that you won’t waste your money. Sign up for a class that requires you attendance. In short, do anything that you need to do in order to have standing plans that get you out of the house and keep you focused on positive people and worthwhile goals that have nothing whatsoever to do with your spouse or your marriage but have everything to do with you.

Find A Way To Improve Yourself Just Because: A good way to focus on yourself is to strive for your own self improvement. I know that many people will chose to go to counseling or to focus on self help while they are separated and I believe that this can be a great idea as long as the focus is not solely on your marriage. People will go to individual counseling and not focus on themselves. That defeats the whole purpose. Yes, improving yourself through self help or counseling can ultimately help your marriage. But that should not be your goal when you are trying to focus on yourself. Your goal is to allow you to evaluate what you want and how to blossom right now. You want to take a look at what works for you and pursue more of that. And want to define what is hurtful to you and to do less of that.

I know from experience that it is very easy to get into the habit of dwelling or of remaining stuck. And you likely know that this hurts you and you know that this isn’t helping your marriage. But you can’t stop. The key to stopping is to having small successes one day at a time. Make yourself accountable. Make it very difficult for yourself to continue on as you are. This might mean giving your cell phone to someone for save keeping or making appointments or commitments every evening to get yourself out of the house. Be gentle with yourself right now. Give yourself what you need to feel better. It doesn’t help you to feel sad and to focus on what is wrong when there is still plenty that can feel right.  Remember that you are worth the effort.

As I alluded to, I had to very consciously force myself to focus on myself.  It felt wrong for a while.  But it actually ended up helping my marriage and it was the best thing I could have done. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are beside themselves because their spouse is being honest about his conflicting romantic feelings toward them. Often, the person in question has noticed that their spouse is distancing himself or pulling away. So they finally get up the nerve to ask him how he really feels. And that is when they are hit with the realization that he doesn’t actually know.

I heard from a wife who said: “for the past six months, my husband has been very cold to me. At first, I told myself that I was only imagining it. I didn’t want to acknowledge this. But then, my husband started saying hurtful things and making hurtful comments to me. His negative attitude towards me was becoming so obvious that I could no longer ignore it. Finally, the other day, I asked my husband how he felt about me because his change in attitude toward me is impossible to deny. He said that he no longer knows how he feels about me. He said his feelings about me change depending upon how our relationship is going on that day. This sounded crazy to me and I asked him to elaborate. He went on to say that when we are fighting or when I am exhibiting behaviors that he doesn’t like, then he honestly doesn’t feel any affection or love toward me. But he says that on certain days when we get along well or bond, then he remembers how it used to be and he feels actual loving feelings for me, although he admits that it isn’t the intense love he felt early in our marriage. This is very confusing to me. Because I love my husband even when we are fighting. Yes, I might be angry or frustrated, but I always feel affection and love toward him. But it appears that he doesn’t feel the same. Does this mean that our marriage is over? Does he not love me anymore?”

I think that there was a better than good chance that the husband still loved his wife. What he likely didn’t love was the direction that the marriage was going. And, sometimes spouses (especially men) will project their frustrations about the course of the relationship onto their perceptions about their marriage. So they will think that they don’t feel enough affection for their spouse when actually, it is the course of the relationship that is inspiring those feelings.

Unfortunately, the spouse in question often can’t see this and they just assume that perhaps they are falling out of love with their spouse or are starting to feel differently toward them. As unfortunate as this is, I don’t think that it means that your marriage is over. Because I feel that you can fix this. I will offer some tips on how to do that below.

Don’t Make Negative Assumptions About What He Is Telling You: It is absolutely normal and understandable to take this personally. It really hurts to hear your spouse say that his feelings for you are changing. But please don’t panic or allow your fear to drive your actions. Please understand that he is likely projecting the negative things happening in your relationship onto his feelings. I firmly believe that once you address and hopefully fix what is going on with your relationship, then you will both find that his feelings are favorably mirroring those positive changes.  Once this happens, he should hopefully be very clear on the fact that he loves you consistently.

Get To The Heart Of What Is Causing His Frustration: Hopefully, by now you are at least somewhat receptive to the thought that it is the issues that are going on in your marriage that are the real problem. Often, just identifying and removing the core issues that are causing the conflict will allow the feelings to return. Because if your husband is no longer regularly getting frustrated by what is happening in your marriage, then he will no longer need to process those negative feelings. So it’s vital that you uncover what is really bothering him, without making it seem as if you are nagging.

Embrace Activities That Bring About Fun And Bonding: A very easy way to begin to turn this situation around is to try to introduce a sense of fun, adventure, and light heartedness in your marriage. Often, when there are troublesome issues, people tend to place their focus only on these negative things and this can drag down your marriage even more. With all this doom and gloom around you all of the time, it can be hard to remember those loving feelings that can be taken for granted.

I do not want to suggest that you ignore your problems. This isn’t what I mean. But sometimes, if you can take a short break from your problems and go and reconnect and blow off some steam, you will find that your problems aren’t as huge as you once thought since you are reconnected with your spouse again. Frankly, when the two of you are clicking and you feel loving toward your spouse, then you have much more patience and much more willingness to bend and to give a little.

So anything that you can do to restore a sense of shared fun and laughter can often bring back the loving feelings relatively quickly. Not only that, but it can make the process of working through your problems easier. I know that this might seem like common sense. But honestly, I can’t tell you how many couples make the mistake of focusing only on what is wrong with their relationship rather than on what is right.

But to answer the question posed, it can be common for your spouse to have conflicting and changing feelings when negative issues or complacency crops up in your marriage. But very often, once you address those problems and focus on what is right between you, then you will often find that the feelings have returned.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t pay close enough attention when my husband started to get critical and distant.  But one of the first things he said when he told me he was leaving was that his feelings had changed.  I am pretty sure that if I had paid more attention earlier in the process, saving my marriage would not have been as tricky as it ultimately was.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who worry that they are making a mistake to walk away from their marriage. Often, some part of them deep inside of them wonders if they won’t regret their decision later. And yet, when they think about rolling up their sleeves and trying to save their marriage, they have their doubts about that also. This can leave them feelings as if they are in a situation with no real right answer.

I heard from a wife who said something similar to: “my husband and I have been struggling for years. The spark has been gone for a long time. I feel as if life is passing me by sometimes. And I feel like I would be happier if I didn’t live with my husband. I want him my children’s lives. I care about him deeply. But I am not sure that I want to be married to him anymore. It just feels as if he is holding me back. I have tried to do things to improve my marriage but nothing has really taken hold. Sometimes, I will think that I have made the decision to leave. But then when I even think about telling my husband or my children, I lose my nerve.  I worry that I am being selfish. And then I worry that I will end up alone and lonely and will regret leaving a perfectly good and loving man over something that might be fixed. And I worry that I will regret not working harder to save my marriage. But I don’t know what else to do. Will I regret it?”

I couldn’t predict the future and tell the wife if she would regret leaving her marriage. The only people who would truly know the outcome were the two people involved. But I can tell you that regret does sometimes happen, especially when you know that you still have loving feelings toward your spouse and you can still see them as a decent partner and parent. That said, there are often signs that you can look for that may indicate that you might have some regret sometime into the future. There is certainly no way to tell for sure, but some of the signs that I am about to list may be a reason to think about this a little more deeply before you take action.

When You Say It Aloud, It Doesn’t Make You Feel Stronger: A very good therapist once gave me a wonderful bit of advice about how to handle it when you are wrestling with a difficult decision. She said to stand in front of the mirror, look directly into your own eyes, and then state two sides of the issue. In this example, the wife could look in the mirror and say: “I am done trying to save my marriage. I am ready to walk away,” and then take inventory. The idea is to look into your own eyes and feel deeply whatever comes up. If you have a tendency to look away when you say this, or you feel doubt or weakness afterward, then that is an indication that there are issues that keep you from feeling fully confident or right about this.

But if you can walk to the mirror and say: “I know that my marriage is over and it is in my best interest to walk away,” without feeling any tug while looking very confidently in your own eyes, then this is a good indicator that you are pretty clear on this decision and are at peace with it.

Ask Yourself If You Feel Any Longings When You Think Into The Future: Another exercise that I really like is to look into your future without your husband. Close your eyes and clear your mind. When you are ready, think about your life in say, seven years. What does it look like without your husband? Now, imagine you were at an event for one of your children where both you and your spouse attended. How would you feel, especially if your now husband were remarried or with someone else? Would you feel any longing toward him? Would you feel any regret? Or just relief?

I understand that it is very hard to project into the future and that you can’t really know how you might feel until you have actually experienced it. But I am interesting in what you are feeling right now when you experience this scene. Because if you have any hesitations, then that tells me that somewhere deep down, you are still invested in your marriage. And if that is the case, then there is a chance that you may regret it in the future.

Do You Know That You Have Done Everything That You Could? I have some people who visit my blog and who very convincingly tell me that are completely at peace with their decision to save their marriage. They will often remark that they know that they did everything that they possibly could. And, despite this, it just didn’t work. But they are still able to walk away with out regret because they know that they explored all avenues and still weren’t successful. Although they might be sorry that it didn’t work out, there isn’t deep regret because they know that since they did the work necessary before walking away, there isn’t any question that they made the right decision.

If you haven’t yet sought counseling or tried some self help that walked you through several different strategies depending upon your situation, then perhaps it may be worth it to look at some of these options so that at least you will know that you worked very hard before you finally threw in the towel.

So to answer the question posed, I couldn’t predict if this wife was going to regret not trying harder to save her marriage. But she did exhibit many signs which indicated that this was a possibility. She still exhibited some longing and loving feelings toward her husband instead of indifference. And, she knew deep in her heart that they still hadn’t tried some of the options that just might work.

Admittedly, I am a big advocate of saving marriages.  And I often believe that there is always hope.  My husband and I were separated and almost divorced, but I refused to give up on my marriage.  And I don’t feel any regret about that.  This was always the right decision for me.  If it helps, you can read about the steps I took toward reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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