Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who are at the point where they realize that they don’t have much of a choice when it comes to a trial separation. Often, they have tried various strategies in order to talk their spouse out of seeking this separation. Unfortunately though, nothing has worked. And so they are left in a situation where the choice is the separation that they fear or the divorce that terrifies them. But once they have come to the point where they have reluctantly accepted the trial separation, they have questions and concerns about for how long it should last.

Common comments are things like: “I guess it’s obvious at this point that I don’t have any choice in agreeing to the trial separation that my husband wants. It’s become clear that he’s going to leave anyway. So I either have to agree to it or he’s probably going to leave me or seek a divorce. My question is how long do I have to give him? For how long do most separations last? I only want for him to be gone for a couple of weeks at the most, but I’m not sure what is reasonable. I’d like to give him a deadline or at the very least I would like for us to agree to on a short time frame. How long do most people give their spouses for a trial separation?” I will try to answer these questions in the following article.

Many Couples Wait And See How The Separation Goes Before They Define A Time Line: Much of the time, you just don’t know how you are going to feel or how much progress you might make once the separation begins. I know that it’s very tempting to want to try to get him to commit to being gone for only a week or less. But it’s often very difficult to get an unhappy or an unsure spouse to agree to these terms. I suppose there is nothing wrong with trying. But if you do try to define a time frame, be very careful not to make it sound like you are giving him a deadline or an ultimatum.

You want to appear as if you are willing to compromise and cooperate because you want for your spouse to be happy. You want for him to think of you favorably during the separation. He is much less likely to do this if you make demands or if you make it sound as if he has a time clock that has started running out the moment that he leaves.

I absolutely understand wanting to feel as if you have a little bit of control over the situation. My own separation was one of the most difficult times in my entire life. I desperately wanted to know when my husband was coming back. But frankly, the more I pressured him, the less likely he was to actually want to come home. And I see this happen time and time again in scenarios that people recount from their own marriages on my blog. The more that the reluctant spouse pushes for a time line or a deadline, the more the unhappy spouse resists the pressure and the less likely the couple is to reconcile any time soon.

Be Motivated To See Quick Improvement Rather Than To Impose A Deadline: Let’s think about this as logically as we can. I know that high emotions are involved right now. But sometimes these same emotions are keeping you from seeing the situation as clearly as you might. But let’s think about what makes him the most likely to come home. It isn’t your imposing a deadline. It is your making improvements to your marriage or your encouraging your spouse to miss you so that he will want to come home. These things will make your spouse very willingly want to come home and end the trial separation because he knows that there is a pay off in doing so. That is much different (and much more preferable) to him reluctantly coming home bringing his resentment with him because he bowed to your pressure.

I know forcing his hand can sometimes feel like a momentary win but honestly, it will often cost you. Your husband may come home because of your time demands, but he likely won’t be happy about it and this may even intensify the problems that lead to the separation in the first place.

Why I Believe That It’s Better To Get Him To Commit To Regular Meetings Than To Attempt To Impose A Deadline: It’s true that you have no way of predicting how the separation is going to go or how either of you are going to feel during it. And you can’t fully control this. But what you can fully control is how often you see one another and how often you try to improve your situation. If you have a cooperative spouse, then I think it’s a wonderful idea to ask him to commit to meeting you at least once a week (and more if you can swing it) in order to check in, bond, and reconnect.

If you can get him to commit to spending part of that time in counseling, then that’s a wonderful option, although I have to be honest and admit that few spouses that seek a separation are willing to commit to counseling, at least at first. So if he refuses counseling, try to find a compromise that you can both be enthusiastic about. You might agree to going out to dinner or to church together on weekends. If you love the outdoors, you might prefer hiking or biking together. Whatever is in alignment with your personality can work. What is most important is that you both know that you will check in regularly so that you don’t worry that you will lose touch with or access to your spouse.

But to answer the original question, I think that it can be dangerous to give your spouse a deadline for the separation. It’s better to try very hard to make quick progress so that he will be motivated to come home quickly. But applying pressure or deadlines will often only make things worse.

As I alluded to, I was very tempted to try to give my husband a time line during our separation.  But quite honestly, I’m sure he would have resisted me.  It was hard enough to get him to communicate with me regularly.  Which is why I ended up going with a completely different strategy.  Luckily, this ended up working.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who don’t feel loved or appreciated by their spouse. Usually, by the time they are bothered enough to try to determine the best course of action to this problem, the issue has been troubling them for quite some time. It’s not unusual for them to have been waiting to see some improvement that, so far, has not materialized. So they are often left wondering how long they should wait before they accept that the love they want and need is never going to come or if they go looking for it somewhere else.

Put into words, this concern might sound something like this: “for the past several years, my husband has treated me like his roommate. He isn’t loving to me at all. If I’m sad or need support about something, I’m not going to get it from him. If I get all dressed up and hope for a compliment about looking nice, I am not going to get it from him. When I talked about this to my mom, she told me that sometimes, I have to provide myself with what I need because a person shouldn’t always expect for their spouse to provide their all of their emotional well being. While I understand what my mother is saying, I need to feel loved by my spouse. I am just the type of person who needs love in my life and I am not getting it from him. My mother says that I just need to be patient with him because he was loving toward me when we first started dating. However, in my mind, I have been patient. How long am I supposed to wait for my spouse to give me the love that I need?” I will try to address this concern in the following article.

Why Wait When You Can Be Proactive Now?: I do understand how this wife was feeling. When you don’t feel seen, heard, and loved in what is the most important relationship of your life, this can feel very lonely and isolating. So I didn’t blame this wife for wanting more from her husband. She had every right to feel that way. But so far, she hadn’t really tried any concrete plan to change things. Sure, she occasionally complained to her husband that he didn’t make her feel loved. But so far, she hadn’t gone beyond this, even when her complaints feel on deaf ears.

So my first suggestion was to try to be very proactive in addressing this rather than just continuing to wait and then being disappointed. Admittedly, you don’t have direct and complete control over your spouse’s behavior, but you can certainly set it up to encourage him to give you what you want.

Encouraging Him To Give You What You Need: The first step would be to be direct and bring your spouse’s attention to this. Now, you have to be careful how you phrase things and how your tone is perceived. You don’t want for him to think things like “here we go again. I get to listen to her complaining and telling me why I’m an awful husband.” Instead, you want to say things in a loving and direct way so that he actually hears what you want for him to hear and so he is actually inspired to take some action instead of tuning you out.

You may say something like: “honey, I need to talk to you about something which may sound petty to you but is very important to me. Remember when we were first dating and you couldn’t complement or appreciate me enough? I miss that. I don’t expect for you to treat me like you did when we first met, but it would mean so much to me if you would notice and comment on it when I look nice.  It would be wonderful if after a long day you would give me a hug and kiss and tell me that you love me. I need to feel and hear that you love me. You’re my husband and this is very important to me. It would mean so much to me if you would make that little effort and I will try to do the same.”

That last sentence is probably the most important one. It’s vital that you do the same. Because you don’t want to ask for your spouse to do something for you if you are not prepared to reciprocate and to offer liberal amounts of praise in return. Here’s why. I would be willing to bet that if you were to talk to the husband in this scenario, he would tell you that he sometimes does make an effort to be loving toward his spouse but either she doesn’t notice, or she is critical of his efforts. If you want him to do more of this, you have to give him tons of positive feedback when he makes the effort. And you have to literally show him what you want by demonstrating it yourself.

Here’s what I mean. If you want more spontaneous hugs from your spouse, fold him into your arms. If you want for him to notice and compliment your appearance, then, you must do the same for him. Yes, I do understand that most husbands won’t explicitly tell you that they want for you to notice these types of things, but it’s important that he sees you make an effort because this gives him very important clues about what you truly want.

Understand that this may be a gradual process. Even if he makes a sincere effort but still misses the mark, it’s important to acknowledge and praise his efforts. If he feels like his efforts are being noticed and appreciated, then he will just naturally want to do more.

But to answer the original question, I don’t think that you should continue to wait to get the love that you want and need from your spouse. Because if you do, you could potentially be waiting for a long and frustrating time. Instead, I think it’s best to be proactive and to ask for and then show him the love that you want. This way, you are much more likely to get it without having to wait.  And you will be moving forward instead of standing still.

I believe that every one deserves to feel loved by their spouse.  If I’m being honest, I have to admit that it wasn’t until my spouse and I separated that we learned how to prioritize one another.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are quite confused at to why a spouse who was previously so unhappy that he began to pursue a divorce would now want to come back home or reconcile with his spouse. Often, even though every one appears to be happy that a divorce isn’t going to happen immediately, there can be worries as to what brought about the sudden and dramatic change.

Common comments are things like: “my husband filed for a divorce about three weeks ago. He said that although he had tried very hard to be content with our marriage and with our lives, he just wasn’t happy. He said that it wasn’t fair for him to continue on with a marriage that his heart just wasn’t invested in. I begged him not to leave, but he left anyway. I was so lonely and scared at first, but I eventually accepted it as best as I could. But then yesterday my husband called me and said that he had a change of heart. He said that he wanted to come back to me and call off the divorce. I’m very happy about this, but I also have concerns. Why the sudden change of heart? I worry that he found out how difficult it is to do household chores or he calculated how expensive the divorce was going to be so that he’s only coming back to me out of convenience and not love. Am I right to be worried? Why else would a man who wanted a divorce suddenly want to come back?” I will try to address this concern below.

Although I don’t really see this from the side of the unhappy husband, I do hear from a lot of them on my blog and I feel that I have some insights as to why they might change their minds. I will outline some of the possibilities below.

He May Be Reacting To The Fact That There’s A Void Without You: I do understand why this wife assumed that the husband had changed his mind because of practical reasons. After all, this wife had tried numerous strategies to get her husband to reconsider the divorce and nothing had worked. So, of course it seemed suspicious and odd that he would suddenly change his mind.

I can tell you that many people report that they missed their spouse much more than they anticipated. Waking up alone and having to listen to silence when you are used to sharing your life with someone can create a very disturbing and scary void. This can motivate you to reevaluate your assumptions that you no longer have loving feelings toward your spouse or that your problems are insurmountable.

Also, it is often easier to put your issues in perspective when you are no longer face to face with your spouse. You often realize that you should have been more patient, accommodating, or flexible where your marriage was concerned. So, he can begin to ask himself if perhaps he should give your marriage one more try before he makes the very drastic decision to go ahead and end it.

Where Do You Go From Here?: This situation often brings about very conflicting feelings. Many are ecstatic that their spouse has come home and that it appears that they might get another chance to save their marriage. But, these same folks are often quite reluctant to get their hopes up for the fear of being hurt again. They don’t want to have to go through this painful adjustment period again, so they are sometimes hopeful but also guarded.

My opinion on this is that any time that you have the opportunity to attempt to save your marriage, you should go all in and give it your very best. Yes, I know you have worries about his motivations and about the chances that things will actually work, but I believe that it’s worth it to take a chance. With this said, I also believe that it’s very important to do the work necessary to make sure that the marriage actually recovers so that it can endure. Because how painful would it be to go through all of this again in the future because you didn’t take the steps necessary to really fix what lead you to separating in the first place?

Sure, this husband probably was motivated by the fact that he missed his wife desperately, but this didn’t mean that he would suddenly be happy in a marriage that made him so unhappy before. So while there was a lot of reason to feel optimism and hope, I felt that it was also vital that this couple do the work in order to understand and then fix the husband’s discontent.

To answer the question posed, though, there are various reasons that a divorcing spouse might change their mind and chose to come back. Often, they find that they miss their spouse and their marriage. Other times, they decide that perhaps they acted too swiftly and that they owe it to themselves to try to save their marriage before they just walk away. Sure, some spouses come home for more practical reasons also. But in my opinion, the most important thing to focus on right now is not why he came home, but on the fact that you now have an opportunity to save the marriage which you feared was lost.

I would have given anything if my husband had wanted to come home shortly after we separated.  It took many mistakes and countless tries before I could get him home.  But once I did, I made absolutely sure that we did all the necessary work to ensure that we would never separate again.  If it helps you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from people who want to know if it is even a remote possibility that a trial separation might improve the marriage which they firmly believe is hopeless. Often, they truly don’t believe that anything is going to help their marriage. But, much of the time, their spouse doesn’t agree.

Common concerns are things like: “I haven’t been invested in my marriage for years. Honestly, I think that this relationship is hopeless because I have outgrown it. My husband and I are two very different people. When we first got married, I was a very young, naive student who believed that love was enough. Today, I am no longer young and naive and I have a career that is very important to me. My husband is not very career minded so we always clash in that regard. We never really talk anymore and we don’t really enjoy spending time together. Honestly, I avoid my husband and go out with my colleagues as much as possible. And I have told my husband as much. In fact, the other day, I told my husband that I believe our marriage is hopeless. In response, my husband begged me to try a trial separation in order to see if this might improve things or give us a new perspective. I believe that this is a waste of time. This isn’t going to change my mind. It’s not like we are fighting and one of us needs to calm down. Instead, we’re just not compatible anymore. Is it worth it to try a trial separation?”

This was not a decision that I could make for this wife. Only she and her husband could determine the course of their marriage. But, I could try to give her a little perspective that might help her make up her own mind. I will share that below.

The Trial Separation Can Lead To New And Fresh Perspectives That Aren’t Possible When You Are In Constant Contact With Your Spouse: It’s almost impossible for me to look at this from the perspective of the unhappy spouse who wants to end the marriage. In my own situation, I was the spouse who was desperately fighting for my marriage while my husband wasn’t so sure that our marriage was worth saving. We did separate for a while and I can share what that separation did for us. I can not tell you that the separation was fun. In fact, not only did I not want the separation, but I was very resistant to it.  However, I have to admit that it did offer us a perspective that we couldn’t have obtained while seeing each other for hours every day.

It did make me realize that in some ways, I very much took my spouse for granted and I just assumed that he would always be there even though in some ways, I was doing the bare minimum in terms of my marriage. It made me see that we really had to get serious about making our marriage a priority if our marriage was at all important to us. And the absence of my husband made me realize that I absolutely did not want to spend my life without him.

For my husband’s part, I think he saw that some of the issues that he thought he felt passionately about didn’t seem as important anymore. I can’t say that these realizations are going to happen in every instance. Every marriage, and every separation, is different. But my thinking on this is, what do you really have to lose? And this leads me to my next point.

Consider That The Separation Might Allow You The Knowledge That You Tried Rehabilitation Before You Walked Away: I understood that this wife felt that she was no longer invested in her marriage. Many people feel this way. But consider that your marriage is probably one of the most important relationships that you might ever have in your life. Yes, marriages do end, but doesn’t it make sense to try to make sure that, if yours does, you know that you did everything in your power to give it a fair chance? Especially since not doing so might affect your future relationships? A separation can be a decent way to try something new in order to obtain a fresh perspective before you walk away. It’s relatively easy and can be inexpensive. And it doesn’t need to take an extensive or prohibitive amount of time. I would say that it’s a small price to pay for the peace of mind of knowing that you were willing to try something that might end up making a very big difference.

My opinion on this is that the worst case scenario is that you will still feel that your marriage is over. If so, what have you really lost, except for a little bit of time? I realize that this is only my biased opinion, but I believe that a trial separation can be a decent alternative to just abruptly getting a divorce without taking a little more time to really think about this and to see if perhaps you might change your mind or have a different perspective if only you pause a little bit and see how it feels to you to temporarily separate from your spouse.

As I alluded to, I never want my separation.  But my husband really gave me no choice other than a divorce.  So, the separation seems like the best of two horrible options.  And although I wish the separation had never happened, I do have to concede that it allowed us perspective that we would not have otherwise had.  And this perspective contributed to our saving our marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from spouses who are very upset that not only have they lost access to their spouse during a trial or marital separation, but they feel as if their family has also lost this important access. Sometimes, it is the children who are feeling the distance, but it can also be felt by other members of the family.

Common comments are things like this: “I didn’t want the separation but my husband has insisted on it for so long that I really didn’t have a choice. I had hoped that the separation would make him miss me so that we would eventually become closer. Unfortunately, he doesn’t seem to miss me at all. In fact, it’s as if he can’t stay far enough away from home. We do talk on the phone occasionally but he never seems to want to come by so that we can meet face to face. What’s even worse is that he has not made himself available to our kids or to our families. My dad and my husband have always been very close. My dad has been calling my husband to ask him out to lunch or to play golf, which are both things that they would commonly do together. But my husband has not returned my father’s calls. Nor has my husband made any effort to see our children. I called my husband’s parents the other day and they have not heard from him either. What is wrong with him? Why is he acting this way? It’s as if he doesn’t want anything to do with people who I know that he loves. How should I handle this?”

As upsetting as this is, it’s actually relatively common. The first thing that I would suggest is understanding why he might be distancing himself. After that, the resolution may look a little more clear.

Understand The Various Reasons That He May Be Distancing Himself: Many people assume that their spouse is acting like this because he plans to divorce them and he figures that he may as well just begin to cut the family out of his life now. This certainly isn’t always the case. Sometimes, he knows that there are going to be questions from the members of his family and he isn’t sure how to answer them. Also, he often knows that things are going to be very awkward and uncomfortable and he is trying to avoid these uneasy meetings. Finally, many people want to hold off on spending time with their loved ones until they have a definitive plan in mind.  It isn’t that they no longer love their families. It’s just that they don’t want to confuse and worry their families even more.

With that said, their families still need them, particularly their children. The separation is most certainly not the children’s fault and it’s not a problem that the children should worry about having to deal with. And, seeing and spending time with their father would probably reassure the children rather than upset them. That’s why I think that it is prudent to address this. I will suggest a way to do that right now.

 A Suggested Way To Address This: I would chose a time where there isn’t any fighting or controversy. You don’t want to sound accusatory or to make your husband defensive because both things make it less likely that he will comply with what you are asking him to do. Remember that your real goal is to get him interacting with the family again. Don’t bring the agenda of your marriage into it, at least for right now. You can address that later. But right now, the most important thing is getting him engaged with his children.

A suggested script is something like: “I need a few minutes to talk with you about something very important. The kids are really feeling the void right now. There are hurting and it would reassure them to see you and to spend some time with you. When would you have some time to make that happen? You could come and pick them up or, if you would prefer not to come here, I could meet you somewhere. The important thing is that they get to see and spend time with their father. This is necessary regardless of what happens between us. They need to know that you are always going to be their father and that you are always going to be involved in their lives no matter what. I know that you love them very much and that you haven’t intended to hurt them. But we need to get you all together so that no further damage is done. When can we make that happen?”

Notice that I didn’t bring up the extended family. I did this because the first course of action should really be the kids. Once he’s interacting with the kids again, then it would be appropriate to bring up the extended family. But the kids should be the first priority in every instance. Once that issue is worked out, you may just want to say something like: “can you call my dad when you get the chance? He’s mentioned that he’s having a hard time touching base with you.” Again, you don’t want to sound upset or accusatory. You just want to get your husband engaged with the family again. Because that will benefit everyone.

Also, be careful that he doesn’t think that you are using the family to get him engaged with you.  This is a very common mistake that I myself made when I was separated from my own husband.  In fact, I made many mistakes.  But after educating myself, I was able to reverse those mistakes and eventually save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are already separated or who are being pushed to “take a break” from their marriage at the insistence of their unhappy spouse. Often, what these spouses want more than anything is for something to change so that they can reconcile with their unhappy spouse. But when a reconciliation happens seemingly out of the blue without much effort, then they can understandably question the validity of this.

Common comments are things like: “my husband left our home about three weeks ago to pursue a trial separation that I never wanted. I was able to talk him into going to counseling because my goal was always to not only maintain our marriage, but to improve it. Well, every time our appointment rolled around, my husband would find a reason to cancel. I always knew he didn’t want to go to counseling, but I didn’t anticipate him wiggling out of it in the way that he did. Last weekend, my husband and I went out to dinner and we had a lovely time. At the end of the night, we started cuddling and one thing lead to another. The next morning, my husband alluded to wanting to try reconciling. Don’t get me wrong. I am thrilled with this. But when I talked to my mother about this, she said that this reconciliation isn’t ever going to work because nothing has changed between us. She says that because we never actually went to counseling, we are going to suffer from the same old marital problems. I hope that this isn’t true. I hope that my husband realizes that he took me for granted. One of our biggest problems was that our small arguments would escalate quickly into big fights. I am not sure if this is going to change. I worry about this but I would never refuse to reconcile with my husband. I love him too much and this is what I have been hoping for all along. But am I only setting myself up to be disappointed? Can we really reconcile if nothing has changed?”

I didn’t want to dash this wife’s hopes. Some couples are able to make it as long as they make the needed changes after the reconciliation has happened. I know that it’s very tempting to want to put this whole thing behind you as quickly as you can. I understand wanting to pretend like it never happened. But, if you do those things, you run the real risk of allowing the issues to take over again. And when this happens, it is sometimes more difficult to reconcile once again because one or both people can begin to assume that nothing ever changes. So below, I’ll offer some tips on how to make sure that things actually do gradually change so that you can enjoy a successful, and lasting, reconciliation.

Know That Sometimes A Break Can Put Things In Perspective: People in this situation often confess that they can really question why their spouse, who was so miserable before, is suddenly willing to come home and reconcile. They often worry that he figured out how much living alone, or a divorce, is going to cost him. So they suspect that he came back out of worry over money or maybe because of loneliness, but not for any legitimate reasons.

I understand why you might have these concerns. But it’s also true that it’s possible that your spouse genuinely misses you during the separation. And often, having a break can make you see how much you took someone for granted as well as how unyielding your were in your views. Try not to worry so much because there are very legitimate and common reasons that people want to reconcile. And since you now have this opportunity, you can take the actions to strengthen your marriage so that your worries never have to come to fruition.

Address Your Most Troublesome Issues As Your Marriage Can Withstand The Process: Many people understandably want to solve their problems as soon as possible. In this scenario, the wife was understandably very concerned and was taking her mother’s words to heart. But there is a risk of trying to do too much too soon. You don’t want to discourage your husband’s enthusiasm to reconcile by examining everything that is wrong with your marriage rather than celebrating what is right. I do advocate addressing your problems. But I suggest doing this very gradually and tackling more and more once your marriage is once again on solid ground. You want to make sure that you are deeply connected with your spouse before you attempt to tackle very difficult problems.

This couple had an issue with fighting or disagreeing in a negative way. The mother was right that this is an issue that needs to be resolved. It’s unrealistic to think that you will never disagree with your spouse ever again. So it’s vital that you learn to disagree in a healthy way. But you can do this in a very positive and playful way without needing to create a lot of additional conflict. The key is to make sure that the process brings you closer together rather than driving you apart again.

But to answer the question posed, yes, I do believe that you can attempt to reconcile when nothing has changed. And I believe that the excitement over the reconciliation can be a good place to start the healing process. But I also believe that if you don’t eventually address the problems that lead to the separation in the first place, they are only going to crop up again and potentially damage your marriage even more.  So, allow your reconciliation to be the catalyst that inspires some change and improvement.

During my own separation, I have to admit that I would have never have questioned my husband if he had wanted to reconcile.  I would have welcomed with open arms regardless.  But my husband was always very careful about moving too soon.  At the time, this frustrated me greatly, but today, I am glad that we took some extra care.  Because our marriage is now stronger as the result.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are considering writing a letter to try to patch things up with their spouse. Sometimes, the conflict is only a small one. Most of the time though, I hear about the conflicts that are large ones. In fact, some of the conflicts are so large that they threaten the marriage. So those words that you write can become vitally important because you can feel as if your marriage is at stake.

Common comments are things like: “I made a big mistake in my marriage. I have been corresponding with my old fiancé. Nothing inappropriate has happened. It was only writing back and forth. But I didn’t tell my husband about this. I am not sure why, looking back on it now. Because I never had any intention of doing anything with my ex. I guess I just didn’t want for my husband to get the wrong idea and to think that I was being unfaithful when I wasn’t. Unfortunately, my husband found some of my emails and he found out about the correspondence anyway. Now, he says that he can’t trust me. And he says he isn’t sure that he wants to be married to someone who he can’t trust. He won’t listen to me when I try to talk to him face to face. So I want to write him a letter. What can I say to show him that I love him and that I am so sorry for what I did?” I will try to address this correspondence below.

Understand That What You Do Is More Important Than What You Say Or Write: I know that it’s very attractive to think that there may be some magic words that might make this right again. But often, it’s not so easy. Especially when trust is involved. The faithful spouse will often want to wait and watch. They want to see how you are going to act over time. And there is no way for you to convey this with your words because your spouse is going to know that it is in your best interest to say whatever you need to say in order make this problem go away.  I’m not telling you this to upset you, but to be honest with you so that you know the best way to handle this in order to get the best result.

Make Sure That Any Words That You Write Tells Your Spouse What They Can Expect To See From You In The Future: Of course you want to write heartfelt words that are true. Of course you want to say words that will show your spouse your true sorrow and your true love for them, but I think that it is equally important to show your spouse that you have a plan in place about how to move past this. You want to set the stage for your spouse to see you conducting yourself with honesty, integrity, and sincerity moving forward.

A Suggested Way To Start Your Letter: I know that it’s tempting to try to defend yourself or offer up some explanation that paints you in a more favorable light. But I would suggest taking responsibility for your actions instead. It should be clear that your real concern is with your spouse and with your marriage and not with yourself.

So a suggestion might be something like: “I understand why you don’t want to talk to me right now, but I hope that at some point you will take the time to read this because there are some things that I want for you to know. The hope is that an explanation might help to put this in perspective. I can promise you that there was not anything inappropriate now in the present time nor was there going to be anything inappropriate in the future. My not telling you about the correspondence is a mistake that I am going to regret for the rest of my life. I do not know why I didn’t tell you.  I suspect that I didn’t want for you to feel uncertainly about our marriage, since I knew that there was nothing for you to worry about. If you go through all of the emails, which I welcome, you will see that there isn’t anything objectionable other than the fact that I wasn’t more forthcoming. I regret not telling you more than I can possible say and if given the chance, I will spend the rest of my life showing you that you can trust me. I know that you probably need some time to process this and I will give you whatever you need moving forward. But I did want for you to know that I love you more than anything in the world and I value our marriage more than anything else. I have and will continue to cut off all contact with the other person. When you are ready to talk about this, all you have to do is say the word and I will be there.”

As I alluded to before, often words are not going to be enough when matters of trust are involved. But at least you have set the tone and you have assured your spouse that you aren’t going to abandon them through these difficult times because you not only take responsibility for your actions, but you are willing to do whatever is necessary to move past this.

When my husband and I separated, I wrote many letters to try to set the stage for a reconciliation.  It took me entirely too long to realize that my husband was looking for actions and not words.  Once I understood this, I sprang into action and this made all of the difference. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people whose spouse is demanding to talk about the one conversation that they hoped would never happen – the discussion about a martial separation. Often, the first inclination is to wonder if you can talk your way out of this conversation or at least delay it somewhat.

Common concerns are things like: “my husband and I have been having problems for several months. It’s not as if I thought that we were happy. I knew that we weren’t. But I hoped that things would get better if we gave our marriage some extra attention. I have been trying to be nicer and more receptive to my husband, but I guess these things haven’t made much difference because last night during dinner, he told me that it was time for us to discuss a martial or trial separation. I changed the subject and told my husband that I had a horrible headache and that I just couldn’t talk about our marriage at that time. He said that we could sit down and talk about it this weekend. But I don’t want to. I’m considering asking for some over time at work and telling my husband that I had no choice in the matter. Would it help to stall this discussion? I just keep hoping that if I can stall and then do things to improve my marriage, then maybe the separation won’t ever happen. Is any of this a good idea?”

I understand the inclination to want to delay this conversation, especially if you don’t want for the separation to become your reality.  I had the same inclination but trying to stall actually hurt my cause rather than help it. And I also know that very few people who truly want to separate are going to just let the conversation drop. It’s not as if they will eventually forget about it or decide that you were right all along. Instead, I think that the best call is to try to have the conversation at the right time under controlled circumstances, which I will discuss more below.

Understand Why Stalling Usually Doesn’t Work: Often, when people make the decision to pursue, or at least discuss, a separation, they have often been thinking about it for a long time. They may have even have tried to make some improvements, hoping to avoid the necessity of the separation, which they have now deemed unsuccessful. So thinking that stalling is going to make them forget all about this is often unrealistic because, not only has this has usually been weighing on them heavily for quite some time, but usually things have also reached the point where they no longer want to ignore what is right in front of them. So your stalling often is not a strategy that’s going to work. Either they will keep bringing it up or they will just decide to go ahead and begin the separation without more discussion or agreement.

Understand That It’s In Your Best Interest To Control The Course Of The Discussion: I know that this is a conversation that you don’t want to have, but it is often better to have it and at least be able to negotiate and control the terms. Sometimes, you can negotiate a delay in him taking action or you can offer to give your spouse more spouse without him needing to leave. Another option is to offer to go away for a long weekend to give you both some time to think. That way, you control when you are both under the same roof and he doesn’t need to take the drastic measure to actually move out or leave.

How To Make Sure That This Conversation Goes As Well As Is Possible: Try very hard to chose a time when you are both calm and have been getting a long relatively well. If you are fighting or having an argument, then things likely aren’t going to go well. Try to bring a cooperative attitude and keen negotiating skills. Make it very clear that your ultimate goal is to save your marriage, but also stress that you respect your spouse’s wishes and you want to support him in what he thinks that he needs right now. Acknowledge that he needs some space and then offer to give him that without any drastic measures being necessary. If he doesn’t accept your first offer, be wiling to listen to what he has to say and then offer another alternative that you can live with. You might try setting a date when one or both of you will return home or you might ask him to give you a few weeks before making a firm decision. At the very least, if a separation is imminent, try to define it’s terms. In other words, make sure that both of you agree how often you will see each other and will touch base. Uncertainty can derail a separation very quickly so it’s in your best interest to agree about as much as you can so you both have an idea about what to expect.  Try to agree upon what measures you will take to improve your marriage as quickly as possible.

Remember that your real goal is to set the tone moving forward. You want to create a spirit of cooperation and an understanding that you are both working toward the same goal – to eventually save your marriage even if a brief separation may be in your future.

But to answer the question posed, it’s my experience and opinion that stalling rarely works and it just delays the inevitable. I believe that it’s a better idea to chose the ideal time and circumstances under which to have the conversation and then to try to negotiate to a solution that not only can you both agree upon, but that helps your bottom line as well.

As I alluded to, stalling didn’t do me any good.  My husband’s mind was made up and my trying to change it only frustrated him with me.  I wish I had understood that trying to show cooperation and support is vital when negotiating a separation.  Arguing with him just makes him want the separation more.  We did eventually save our marriage, but things would have been easier if I had been more cooperative in the beginning.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who feel strongly that their spouse is only seeking a separation because they are going through such a stressful or painful time. They often feel that if they could just erase the stress or the pain, then their marriage would be relatively fine.

Common comments are things like: “my husband informed me last night that he wants a separation. But honestly, this isn’t like him. I know that he says he wants a separation, but I feel like he is just acting like this because of all of the stress in his life and because he is taking a lot of his problems out on me. My husband was downsized out of his job eight months ago. We have struggled financially since that time. I have had to take on a lot of extra responsibilities at work in order to bring home more money and in order to have more job security. This has been very hard on my husband’s self esteem. We are now at the point where he needs to take any job that is offered to him, although I know that he doesn’t want to do this. The other night, someone called from my work to offer me a lot of overtime over the weekend. I was exhausted, but I said over the phone that I would take the hours because we desperately need the money since my husband still hasn’t found a job even though he’s had eight months to do so. My husband over heard this conversation and was so hurt by it. Soon after that, he told me that he wanted a separation. I feel that the two are obviously connected and I told my husband this. I told him that it was obvious that he was hurting and that he shouldn’t push me away. He said that he feels that we need a break from one another and that maybe my life would be easier if I didn’t have to carry him financially. Doesn’t he realize that I am going to have to pay living expenses regardless of whether I am living with him or not? It’s not like he is saving me money by wanting to move out. Sure, he can stay with family for free, but I still have a house payment to make. How can I show him that he is only acting out because of  his pain?”

This was a tough situation, but it is a very common one. And I agree that the husband was probably motivated by his hurt pride and the hit to his self esteem. But frankly, just informing him of the same isn’t all that likely to convince him that you are right. After all, who wants to hear that they are wrong when they are already struggling? I believe that you will probably have a better chance of success if you offer him some compromises and then try to build him up rather than pointing out where and why he is wrong. I will offer some tips on how to do that below.

Appear To Be Very Cooperative Rather Than Argumentative. He Needs To Believe That You Are On His Side: I know that it is probably very tempting to tell him where his thinking is flawed or to say that it is obvious that this is only his pain talking. But when you do that, you risk him becoming very defensive and wanting to prove his point even more. So it is very important that he believes that you have his back on this and that you just want to help him. As easy as it might be to point out where he is wrong, resist this urge. Instead, make it very clear that you hear what he is saying and that you want to help.

So a suggested response might be something like: “well I am very sorry to hear that. We are both under a great deal of stress right now. And I wish that we could be each other’s soft place to fall. I want for you to know that I am here for you. And I honestly don’t want for you to leave. If you need some time for yourself, then I can give you that without your needing to leave. I can stay in the spare room or I can stay with friends. But us separating isn’t going to alleviate our stress or solve our financial problems. I love you and I want to support you. So I will try to support you in whatever choice you make, but I don’t want for you to feel as if your leaving benefits me or lightens my load because it doesn’t. Knowing that I have you and our family makes this stressful situation more bearable for me instead of less. I know that things will eventually improve. And we are doing just fine. Yes, our marriage is under stress because of our circumstances but the core of marriage is still the same. We still love one another. I hope that we can band together rather than being pulled apart.”

Hopefully, this conversation could set the stage for the husband calming down and realizing that his wife truly did have his back and that he was mostly responding to a stressful situation rather than anything that was wrong with this marriage.

My husband initiated a separation during a stressful time in our lives.  I tried to point out that the stress was causing his unhappiness, but this only made things worse.  I had to change strategies a couple of times in order to get him home.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  I sometimes hear from wives who worry that they are naive or mistaken because they are still be holding out hope that their husband is going to come home for a reconciliation.  Often, months have passed and people start to give off not so subtle hints that it may be time to move on.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband and I have been separated for over seven months.  He was the one who initiated the separation.  I knew that he had many things that he wanted to consider and sort out.  But never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that we would still be living apart.  We do see each other a couple of times per month.  We talk on the phone maybe once per week.  Things are reasonably pleasant but they haven’t turned romantic like I was hoping that they would.  It’s not like my husband is actively rejecting me.  He always seems reasonably happy to see me and he has never turned me down when I’ve asked to see him.  But it seems as if I am always the one initiating the contact.  My husband never mentions what might happen in the future.  And my mother is always asking what is the latest with us and I never have an answer.  Last week, my mom said that we have been separated for too long and that I should no longer hold out hope that things are going to change when it’s very obvious that they aren’t.  In my own mind, I was going to give it a year before I gave up hope.  But is my mom right?  Has it been too long?  Would it just be easier to give up hope right now?”

This really wasn’t a question that anyone but the wife herself could answer.  However, I always get a little upset when anyone other than the couple themselves attempts to make this decision.  In all fairness, I am sure that the mother in this scenario was acting out of love.  She probably hated to see her daughter in pain.  And she figured that if the wife kept right on hoping, then this might only prolong her pain.

You Don’t Know What Tomorrow Will Bring: Every one who loves you likely means well, but here is the thing.  No one can see into the future.  No one truly knows what might happen between this couple.  Sure, sometimes the longer that a couple is apart, the more the intimacy erodes and the harder it becomes to get it back.

But this is a generalization and it certainly isn’t always the case.  I have heard from many couples who were separated for well over a year (and sometimes for even longer than that) who have been able to reconcile after being apart for a long period of time.  Sometimes, one or both of them just has a change of heart.  And, other times, the circumstances change or improve.  But however it happens, it does sometimes happen.

And that is why I would never tell anyone that it is time to give up hope.  Now, admittedly I am extremely stubborn.  When I myself was separated, almost no one held out any hope for our marriage, especially since my husband had made it a habit to avoid me.  And some people weren’t shy about telling me their opinions, which at the time hurt me very much.  Still, as obvious as the reality of the situation appeared to some, I never truly gave up.

Admittedly, there came a point where it was obvious that I should no longer put my life on hold.  It soon became obvious that I might be waiting a really long time for a reconciliation.  And at that time, I reluctantly admitted reality and started living my life.  But in the back of my mind, I always had hope.  That’s probably why I didn’t really date other people or live my life as a single person.

But, to be clear, I most definitely was no longer sitting at home waiting on my husband’s phone calls or whims, but my heart was still open to him and my brain still entertained the possibility that one day, things might change.  And frankly, once I did begin to move on and embrace my own life again, that’s about when I noticed a shift in my husband.  He was suddenly no longer quite as resistant to me.

But to answer the question posed, I would say that I wouldn’t put a time frame on hope.  Every one has a right to continue to hope, as long as you aren’t putting your life on hold or allowing your hope to negatively affect your life.

That’s why I think that it is very important that you don’t put everything on hold while you are waiting to see what will unfold.  This is very unfair to you. You absolutely don’t know what the future holds.  And there is nothing wrong with hoping while combining that with the action that is going to make a reconciliation more likely.

This is your marriage and no one else’s.  Yes, people who love you and are concerned about you may be telling you that it is time to move on, but only you can make that determination.  Most of the time, your heart will tell you whether you are ready or not.  And it’s my opinion that a little hope never hurt anyone as long as you aren’t completely ignoring reality and holding yourself back in some way.

My heart was telling me to not give up, but my logical mind was telling me that I had to live my life to the fullest, even if I wasn’t giving up. Believe it or not, this shift ended up helping my marriage.  It was the start of my husband becoming receptive to me again.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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