Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are looking for the perfect words to say in order to finally get through to the spouse who wants a divorce. Often, they know that this conversation is going to be a last-ditch effort, especially since they have had trouble getting through to their spouse in the past. But when you are facing a divorce that you really don’t want, it’s amazing how continuing to talk begins to look a lot better than the alternative.

A common comment in this situation is something like: “three weeks ago, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. I wasn’t completely surprised. I knew that he hasn’t been happy. However, I’d hoped that he would show the commitment that we need to work through this. I have this type of commitment and determination, but apparently, he does not. I have tried to talk him out of this before, but I’m fully aware that my words were based on fear and desperation and that they were peppered with anger. In a sense, I’ve held back because I’m afraid of rejection. But now things have reached a point where I need to just speak from my heart. My question is does this ever work? If I really just release what is in my heart and say exactly how I feel can this change my husband’s mind about a divorce?”

Unfortunately, I can’t predict the future. Every situation is different. But what I can do is to tell you what I’ve found is more or less likely to work. I hear from a lot of folks on my blog and some common themes come through for people who have had success with this. I’ll discuss this more below.

Don’t Make Your Speech All About You: Frankly, it is just human nature to see how this situation relates to you. When you are driven by fear, you can’t help but think about how lonely you might be and how hurt you might feel that your husband is divorcing you. It’s very common for your heartfelt speech to include phrases like: “I’m going to miss you so much. ” Or “I don’t want to live without you.” Or “my life will be empty if we aren’t married.”

I realize that all of these things might be true and this may be exactly what you are feeling. But frankly, your spouse is likely thinking about just the opposite – how the divorce might affect him. And in his mind, as of right now, something is making him perceive that a divorce is going to make his situation better in some way. So to be brutally honest, he may well feel badly that you are hurting. And he may be sad to see the marriage ending as well. But, he’s probably already thought about all of these things. Just verbalizing them isn’t going to be the thing that is most likely to make a difference. And this leads me to my next point.

Make Sure Any Heartfelt Speech Outlines What Is Going To Change And How This Is Going To Happen: Here is something that you really need to understand, even though so few people do. (I didn’t understand it at all when I was separated until it was almost too late.) People who want a divorce typically think that their marriage isn’t ever going to change. They’ve given up hope. They often believe that everything has already been tried. So when you come at them with more promises that they have already heard, they aren’t very likely to suddenly change their mind due to an argument that already hasn’t worked.

They are looking for a promise for action that sounds a little different from what you have already said. So, you are often better off if you very calmly and methodically outline what steps you are willing to take in order to make things different this time. It will often help if you say words that let him know that you know exactly what your problems are, you take responsibility for your part in those problems, and you have a plan for addressing them.

There Comes A Point When It’s Time To Stop Talking And A Time To Take Action: I don’t mean to insinuate that words aren’t important because they can be extremely important. But a reluctant spouse who thinks that he wants a divorce is very often going to respond to actions much more favorably than he responds to words. As heartfelt as your words might be, he may meet them with doubt. He knows you very well. He has likely heard some variation of these promises before. And he knows that you are motivated to say whatever you need to say in order to change his mind.

That’s not to say that your words are inaccurate or that you don’t mean them. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t try. But often, it’s just as important to follow up your words with decisive actions. Because if you make promises that you don’t keep, you’re going to have a very hard time convincing your husband to trust you again in the future.

As I alluded to, I tried talking endlessly during my own separation.  But in the end, it was my actions that actually worked.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who fully admit that they may need a break or separation from their spouse. But, at the same time, they aren’t yet ready to end their marriage and they are pretty sure that they don’t want a divorce. However, unfortunately, their spouse doesn’t agree. And that can cause quite a dilemma or a debate.

You might hear a comment like: “I fully admit that my husband and I might benefit from living apart from one another for a little while. I am really fine with a separation. We fight all of the time and our fights have taken on a destructive feeling. I think that it might do us good to separate for a while so that we can both calm down. But my husband feels like a separation is not enough. He says that separating is not going to fix our problems. He says that we are only wasting our time by delaying a divorce and he wants to go ahead and file for one. What happens now? And is there any thing that I can do to convince him to agree to a separation rather than a divorce?”

Before I answer, I have to tell you that I’m not an attorney and I’m really not knowledgeable about the legal questions contained in these concerns. This article won’t be focusing on any legal questions, but I’d suggest seeing an attorney if your concerns are legal ones. What I can offer are some suggestions on attempting to come up with a compromise in order to delay (and hopefully end) any talk of divorce.

Understand Why Your Spouse Is Reluctant To Commit To A Separation: Before you try to compromise with your spouse, it’s extremely important to understand why your spouse may be reluctant to stop at a separation. I can share with you what many people in this situation indicate when they leave comments on my blog. They say that they don’t want to waste the money with supporting two households during a separation when the outcome is going to be a divorce anyway. They don’t believe that anything is really going to change and they believe that a separation is only going to delay the inevitable and also waste time and money.

It’s important that you understand this because you’ll use this thought process in order to craft your arguments in an attempt to compromise, which leads me to my next point.

Be Careful And Flexible When Asking For A Compromise: An obvious strategy here is to attempt to convince your spouse that compromising will help both of you to get what you want. It’s important though that it appears as if you are not asking him to give in or to see things your way. You want to appeal to the issues that are most causing him to hesitate.

You don’t want to imply that he is hasty, selfish, or stubborn. Instead, you want to appeal to his logical side because he’s likely using logic rather than emotions when he’s thinking about the divorce. He’s thinking that separating is a waste of time and money and he’s thinking that any changes that the two of you are going to attempt with be too little too late.

So you might to try something like: “I know that you want a divorce. I understand that completely. But I think that we should considering putting our heads together and coming up with a compromise. The cost of a divorce plus maintaining two households is astronomical. I now that you don’t think that we will be able to change anything, but I think that I can prove you wrong without too much difficulty from either of us. I also believe that if we manage to work things out, we will be much better off financially. A household supported by two people is going to be much better off than two households supported by only one person. I’m not asking you to take my word for it or to take a leap of faith. I’m asking you to give me a short and set amount of time to work with you to make this better. We will have our space and live apart. But we will get together regularly to check in. This gives the situation time to calm down. This allows us both to catch our breath and to work on ourselves. And we are getting the space that we both need and want. If the trial separation doesn’t work, then it hasn’t cost us anything and we can evaluate then how we want to proceed. But a divorce is a huge step to take before you’ve given a real attempt to make your marriage better to see if it can be saved. To me, it would be a shame to just walk away from our marriage without trying every thing in our power to save it. We’ve been together too long and you matter too much to me to just walk away without making any effort to see if things can change. Will you just give us a little time to try a separation rather than a divorce? I don’t think that it’s too much to ask.”

He may ask to think about it for a little while. You may not get the reaction that you were hoping for immediately. But once he takes the time to evaluate this, he may see that your request is more than reasonable. It’s certainly worth a try.

Luckily, I was able to talk my husband into not divorcing me right away, and I’m pretty certain that was a major factor in saving my marriage.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who aren’t sure how to best communicate with their spouse when they are separated. Often, they intuitively know that reaching out too much can cause their spouse to pull away. So, they are understandably afraid of coming on too strong. But they worry that their texts or emails are sometimes misinterpreted or not taken in the way that was intended.

A common comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “my husband and I have only been separated for a week, but I already feel him pulling away from me. I went by his apartment last night and it was so awkward. He was literally blocking my way in at the door. It was obvious that he didn’t want for me to come inside. So I didn’t push it. It’s sort of becoming clear to me that I need to give my husband a little more space. One of the biggest reasons that my husband wanted this separation was his need for space. So I am going to try to honor that more. My concern is what is the best way to contact my husband at this point. Should I just call him? Or is texting better because it’s less of an interruption to him and he can ignore it if he wants to? My hesitation with texting is that it’s very impersonal and he may take what I am saying in the wrong way if he can not hear my voice. This whole separation etiquette is very foreign to me. What’s the best way to communicate with your separated husband when he’s showing some resistance to you?”

I understand this dilemma as I had it myself. It’s very common to realize that you need to be able to keep in contact with your husband while also understanding that the way that you contact him may become quite important. Unfortunately, I don’t think that there is one answer for every situation here. Sometimes, you have to sort of feel your way and go with what is working at the time with the understanding that this may change. I’ll explain this more below.

First, Try To Agree With Him On The Timing And The Method Of Communicating: I believe that it’s optimal that you and your spouse come to agreement about how often (and by what method) you will communicate. And this can happen even if you did not have this discussion in the early days of your separation. If things start to get awkward, you can always have a new conversation. A suggestion might be something like: “I’m trying to avoid things becoming awkward when we’re uncertain about how to communicate. What makes you most comfortable? Do you want to schedule an agreed upon day that we will get together or call? Is it OK for me to text you regularly? I think it’s important that we communicate regularly, but I’m completely open as to how and when we communicate. What do you feel is best right now?”

It’s my experience that it’s much better to have this awkward conversation once than to struggle every time you try to communicate or to risk things go wrong. Don’t be shy about asking him what he prefers and then be open to being flexible, which leads me to my next point.

Sometimes, You Have To Change Methods Of Communication As The Occasion Calls For It: It’s very common to find that on some days, your spouse may be more receptive to you than others. And you’ll often have to adjust accordingly. One day you may call him up and find him very receptive to talk to you on the phone. The next day, he may be hurried and cold. And there may not be any huge reason for this, other than the fact that he’s having a bad day. It can be important to be flexible in these situations. If you call and you meet with resistance, you might say something like: “I can tell that this is a bad time. I’ll just call you a little later. Hope things get better.” Keeping things light and easy is better than trying to continue to talk and then to watch the conversation deteriorate.

If you choose to text, try to keep things light hearted. It’s very difficult to have a serious conversation via text message. In my own mind, text messages are best for just conveying a quick thought. You might text him something funny that one of the kids did or just tell him about something that made you think of him. But you wouldn’t want to try to solve your problems or have a serious discussion via text message because it’s so easy for the written word to be misunderstood.

But to answer the question posed, I used a combination of both phone calls and texts messages when I was separated. (I even emailed sometimes.)  When my husband was resistant to me and it was clear that he didn’t want to talk, I would use texting very sparingly until it become obvious that he was receptive again. When things were clicking well between us, then I’d try face to face meetings or phone conversations. I believe that all communication methods have their place and can be very useful. But sometimes you have to adjust depending upon the reaction that you get from your spouse.

There were some times during our separation where I truly had to back away and give my husband some time. This was a hard lesson for me to learn but over time, it just became obvious that if I continued to push, my husband was going to limit my access to him.  Over time, I became much better at gaging when to move forward and when to hang back. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have become so fed up with their husband and with their marriage that they have finally had to make the reluctant choice to seek or file for a divorce. Often, this is a decision that they do not take lightly. They often see the divorce as the last resort after years of asking their husband to change or to work with them to improve things. When these pleas fall upon deaf ears, then the wife can feel as if she has no real choice in ending the marriage.

But this whole thing can begin to unravel when the husband places a last ditch plea and asks her to reconsider with promises of real change. The wife often has her doubts because this is what she has been asking for all along.

I might hear a comment like: “for the past two years, I have begged my husband to work on our marriage and to make some changes to himself. He is not the most motivated person and in some ways, I feel as if I have outgrown him. My career is very important to me. I am attending college at night to get an advanced degree. My husband has the same job that he had in college which was only supposed to be temporary. Improving our economic status has never really been important to him. I have told him it is important to me to feel secure financially and that I wanted for him to finish his degree and get a better job. I told him that I want both of us to value education as we both agreed to do when we were dating. But my husband has become very lazy and complacent. He is happy to eat pizza and watch TV once he puts in a minimum shift. I want to advance in my career and in my life. My husband and I separated because of this and I had hoped that this would get his attention. But it didn’t. I finally very reluctantly filed for a divorce. Frankly, I still love him in a way. He is a good man. And he has been my best friend for years. But it is hard to respect him and look up to him when he has a menial job and no goals. So I filing for divorce was a last resort. He hasn’t really said anything for a long time. But he just left my apartment and he begged me to reconsider. He said he is now in a manager training program because he realizes that I am right. Part of me wants to call off the divorce. But another part of me fears that as soon as he’s secure that I’ll still around, he will go back to his old ways and it will be even more painful and hard when I have to file for divorce all over again. How do I know if I can trust in this change that he is promising?”

I’m not sure that there is anyway to trust in it one hundred percent. There typically comes a point where you just have to make a decision to hope for the best and to wait and see. This wife was right when she said that her husband might resort back to his old ways once the threat of the divorce was over. Some people do this. And others do not. I have to say that in my own marriage, I was the spouse who was promising to make some changes and my husband was the spouse who doubted that I would actually do it. I am proud to say that I have kept my promises and that our marriage is very strong today because of this.

The Things That Are Needed In Order For Him To Follow Through: So what made me keep my promises and how can this advice help you? Well, I believe there were a couple of reasons. The first was that I came to believe that my husband was right. Initially during our separation, I believed that my husband was asking for too much or being too critical. But once I got quiet, journaled, and spent a lot of time working on and examining myself, I was able to be honest and I saw that much of my husband’s criticisms were absolutely true. Once I realized this, then I knew that I was going to put everything that I had into making the existing changes.

Second, I came to believe that my husband’s threats were real. There was no doubt in my mind that he would divorce me if he didn’t believe that I was sincere. That was enough motivation for me to get really serious about real changes.

In this situation, it seemed pretty clear that the husband believed the wife was serious about a divorce. Actually filing for one is about as serious as you can get. However, what wasn’t clear was whether the husband believed that some of the wife’s criticisms were valid. The change would have a much better chance of lasting if the husband was able to take a long, hard look at his place in life and realize that he too wanted to achieve a little more. Only the wife would be able to evaluate if this had happened. But if she needed more information about this, nothing says she couldn’t have a conversation with her husband about this and ask for more information.  She might ask him what lead him to reevaluate his decisions and what his goals are now. And then she could see if his responses rang true.

I have to admit that I’m a bit biased about this. Because I believe that real change is possible and I believe that a marriage on the brink of divorce can be made whole again. I also believe that if you have invested this much time and effort into your spouse and your marriage, then it only makes sense to try to see this through one more time so that you won’t always wonder what might have been.

With that said, you don’t want to be taken advantage of, so you can always agree to reconsider with conditions. You might tell your spouse that in one month’s time you want to see another benchmark and that in six months time you would like to see another. That way, you know that there are concrete goals that will have to be realized and your husband will be very clear on what is expected moving forward.

As you probably can tell, I do believe that true change is possible.  My husband and I reconciled and my changes are still in place.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are very surprised and disappointed at their spouse’s less than kind behavior when they are on a trial or marital separation. Often, they had some hope that the separation might make them miss one another and therefore bring this closer together. But, unfortunately, their spouse’s behavior is making this nearly impossible because their spouse is going out of his way to say mean and hurtful things.

Comments that you might hear in this situation is something like: “I honestly didn’t want a trial separation but my husband kept pushing for it. We have a couple of issues that don’t seem to go away no matter what we do. And my husband said he just couldn’t take living together anymore without having some type of break. So he moved out about two weeks ago. I’ve never been separated before so I had no idea what to expect. But I had hoped that both of us could calm down and work together. Not only has that not happened, but it doesn’t appear to be possible. My husband has been very negative during this process. Not only is he not loving toward me, but he says things that are downright nasty and cruel. His words are almost deliberately meant to hurt me. The other day, I got tired of waiting for me to ask to see me, so I asked him to lunch. His response was ‘why would I do that? I finally got some peace and quiet in my life and now have a little freedom. Why would I mess up this hard fought serenity by going to lunch with the person who made this all necessary in the first place?’ So at first I figured that he was probably just having a bad day and I let it slide. But then about four days later, he did this again. I called him and he picked up and said ‘no thanks. Not today. My day is going well and I don’t intend to ruin that.’ He is basically refusing to have any contact with me and insinuates that contact with me brings him down. It’s almost as if he’s saying that my mere presence contaminates his life. I am not sure why he has so much animosity toward me. But he makes me question our chances to reconcile. Why is he acting this way? And how can I make him stop?” I will try to address these concerns below.

Often He’s Saying Mean Things To Get A Reaction Out Of You: This situation is not all that uncommon. Often, one spouse finds themselves quite angry and resentful about the situation. Sometimes, one of them feels as if they are having a more difficult time than the other spouse, especially if they were the one who had to move out. Sometimes they will think that their spouse is sitting at their old home without a care in the world while they are in a strange place that isn’t nearly as nice or as familiar. And so their resentment of this can cause them to lash out.

Also, they are often trying to get a reaction out of you and the easiest way they can think of to do this is to say something mean and negative so that you have no choice but to engage in order to defend yourself. This can be true even if they aren’t trying to ruin their marriage or get a divorce.

He May Feel Like The Bad Guy In This Situation And Is Projecting This Onto You: Sometimes, people feel a little guilty about being the one to initiate the separation or to be the one to move out. This can feel as if you have abandoned your family or that you have failed and there can be a good deal of guilt associated with this. In order to get some relief of those feelings, they will try to pick fights with you. The idea is that they can get you to strike back and then suddenly you look like the bad guy and they can feel a little more justified and at peace with their actions. Often, they aren’t thinking about this consciously. It isn’t a plan that they sit down and map out. They are just reacting to their negative feelings or experiences.

How To Handle This Situation: My inclination is to always let things slide at first. Because you never know if he’s just having a hard time adjusting and will be back to himself shortly. But if you’ve waited patiently and this continues to happen with no improvement in sight, then it may be time to go ahead and address this. The next time that he begins being mean or nasty, you may want to respond with something like: “I have to be honest with you and tell you that you are hurting me and this is not the first time that this has happened. Your behavior isn’t like you and I’m wondering what is behind it. Is there some issue that you have with me that we need to discuss? Because I don’t think that we should continue on like this. I am still invested in this marriage. I still want to save it. But I’m not sure that we can do that if we can’t move past the negativity. It hurts me to hear you say these things. I still consider you my husband. And to hear my husband say these types of things is very hurtful, especially considering the situation that we are in. Can I ask you to say what is really on your mind rather than continuing to say mean and insulting things? Because this isn’t helping us.”

Then, just listen to his response. He may actually tell you what is bothering him. Or, he may not give you a straight answer but tone down his meanness. Or, he may continue on in the same way. But no matter what happens, at least you would have been straight forward and his response should give you some insights as to why he is acting this way. But honestly, most people act this way when they are afraid or hurt. I’d suspect that was the case here. Being separated is difficult and it feels foreign. And it can bring out negative behavior in people. That’s why it’s important to be proactive and to discuss it rather than negatively responding to it so that both spouses are engaging when this is dangerous and unnecessary.

My husband and I sometimes lashed out at one another during our separation.  But I eventually learned to let it go rather to engage.  Saving your marriage during a separation is hard enough without arguing all of the time.  If it helps, you can read about my story of reconciliation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who want to get their spouse to stop constantly asking for a separation. Much of the time, they have considered many tactics in order to help them to achieve this. One common tactic is to respond with a firm “no” and then to ignore their spouse. They are hoping that if they don’t give their spouse some sort of a reaction or don’t engage in a huge discussion about this, then their spouse will eventually back off and stop all of this talk about separating. But while this strategy can sound good in theory, it can be pretty hard to carry out in actual practice.

An example of the types of concerns that you might hear in this situation are things like: “For the past five months, my husband has been telling me that he wants a separation. Most of the time, I just don’t respond to him. A couple of times, I’ve given him a flat-out no. When I do try to respond with more than a few words, he will tell me how unhappy he is in our marriage or what a horrible spouse I am. But the thing is, it’s almost like he is just venting. Because after he proceeds to tell me how awful his life truly is, he doesn’t really take any action. So I’m not sure why he keeps bringing this up. Surely, he can’t expect me to be the one to move out. I’m not about to leave my home. I am reasonably content with the way that things are. Sure, things aren’t perfect between us, but frankly, nothing is perfect. So my plan right now is to continue to tell him no and then ignore him when he mentions a separation. But this is getting harder and harder to do. He brings this up more and more all of the time. How do I keep ignoring him when it seems that he’s not going to take no for an answer?”

Consider Your Real Goal: I know that the question posed was how to continue ignoring this husband when he was basically escalating the requests for a separation. But I have to be honest when I tell you that I don’t think this is the best strategy to try. Because the wife’s real goal here was to keep the two of them WILLINGLY living together. I hesitate to say that she wanted to keep the status quo because she did concede that her marriage needed some major improvements. But, she didn’t want either of them to move out and begin separation.

Eventually, He May Get Fed Up And Just Leave: I believe that denying and then ignoring your spouse is probably not the best way to go about getting him to stay. Here’s why. Human nature is to only be deferred for so long. In other words, if this husband really wanted a separation, then it wasn’t likely that being ignored by his wife was all it was going to take in order for him to give up and not want to separate anymore.

I highly doubt that a man who is so unhappy that he keeps mentioning a separation with greater intensity is going to suddenly think something like: “Well, I guess my wife isn’t going to pay attention to me when I ask to separate, so I guess I’m going to just give up and figure out a way to suddenly be happy in my marriage.”

What experience and research tell me is that it is more likely is that the husband is going to think something like: “I am getting so tired of her ignoring me every time I bring this up. I guess I’m going to have to just leave. If she won’t pay attention to me, then I’m going to just have to do something huge to get her attention. She won’t ignore me when she comes home to find me gone.”

In other words, it makes sense that ignoring him makes it more likely that he will actually be pushed to pursue the separation instead of giving up on it. So my recommendation would be to stare this right in the face with the hope that by facing it down, you will be able to come up with a compromise or even a resolution.

A Better Strategy: A suggested script would be something like: “I hear what you are saying. But I am having a hard time responding because I don’t really agree that our marriage is so damaged that we need to separate. However, it is clear that you feel this way. Can you tell me what is troublesome for you about our marriage? I’m trying to determine if this is something that we can work out or change. Of course, I want you to be happy in our marriage. We both deserve that. And I don’t want you to feel as if you have to separate from me in order to be happy. I’m more than willing to overhaul on our marriage so that we can both be happy and no one needs to pursue a separation. Will you work with me to make that happen?”

I believe that this is a better strategy because at least at this point your husband will feel acknowledged and heard. And often, when people are repeating the same thing over and over, that is what they truly want. They want to know that you truly do hear them. And this can’t happen if instead, they feel that they are repeatedly being ignored.

I will admit that I ignored my husband’s early complaints in our marriage. I believe that my ignoring him contributed to him separating from me.   I had to work very hard to save my marriage from that point on.  I think I would have had an easier time if I had addressed his unhappiness far sooner.  Instead, I dealt with a very painful separation which we eventually overcame. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are frustrated that their spouse is resistant to having an honest discussion about the issues that plague their marriage. Often, the motivated spouse intuitively understands that in order to work through their problems, they must first address them and then discuss them. But it can be very hard to do this when your spouse refuses to talk about any problems.

A common complaint that you might hear in this situation is something like: “my husband shuts down every time I bring up our problems. I feel as if our marriage has real and immediate issues. And if my husband isn’t really willing to listen to me and attempt to change what is wrong, I am not sure that I want to stay in this marriage. I can’t stand the thought that nothing is ever going to change. Our problems aren’t so huge that we couldn’t deal with them. But my husband isn’t even willing to talk. Every time I try to bring up our issues or attempt to talk things out, my husband will do anything in his power to stop the conversation. He will try to change the subject. He will very bluntly tell me that he’s not going to have this discussion. And if I keep talking, he will get up and walk away. I have told him that we will never be able to solve our problems if we don’t talk about them. But it doesn’t seem to matter to him. No matter what I do, he’s not going to have the discussion. Why does he act this way? And what can I do to get him to talk me about something other than the weather?”

There are many reasons that spouses (particularly husbands) will try to avoid talking about your problems. I will discuss some of those possibilities below.

Many Men Resist Talking About Their Feelings Or Their Flaws: Few people enjoy a confrontation or having a difficult discussion. But women are usually willing to do this if it means that things might actually improve. Men can be different in this regard. They are often quite uncomfortable talking about their feelings. And they will often resist having any conversation in which they feel you are pointing out their flaws are or trying to place most of the blame on them. I know that you might be thinking that this isn’t really fair and you’d be right about that. But understand that this isn’t specific to your own husband. It’s a very common problem. And it’s unfortunately just in the nature or psychological make up of many men.  It’s often just very hard for him to open up about emotional issues or feelings. But, this doesn’t mean that you can’t try to work around this which I will discuss now.

Sometimes, If You Use The Right Words At The Right Time, You Can Coax Him Into Having This Discussion: I believe that you can often ease your spouse into having this conversation by being very careful about the words that you use and how you phrase things. You want to choose a time when things are going well. You don’t want to attempt to have this conversation when you are frustrated or having an argument because in these circumstances, your husband is more likely to resist.

Instead, choose a time when you are getting along well and maybe even joking around. And then keep your tone very light hearted. You might want to say something like: “I love it when we get along well like this. It changes my whole outlook toward other areas of my life and it gives me a great sense of peace. This is how it’s supposed to be in a healthy marriage. I wish it was this way all the time between us. Would you be willing to take a few minutes and brain storm ways that we can address and fix the issues that keep us from feeling this way all of the time? I’m not going to pick on you or place any blame. I don’t want this to be a conversation that’s based on conflict. But I believe that we can have a productive conversation about how to make our marriage better. Don’t you want to feel this way all of the time?”

At this point, your husband will either participate or resist. If he resists, don’t make a huge deal about it. Vow to repeat the process the next time things are going well. If he is willing to participate, make sure that you keep things very upbeat. Make it short also. You can’t expect to address every problem during one conversation and if you try to do this, your spouse may feel overwhelmed or discouraged. You want to take things one step at a time so that your spouse will cooperate.

If your spouse does actively participate, then make sure that you make this worth it for him. Give him lots of praise and reassurance in the form of physical affection. That way, he begins to associate discussing your problems with positive things happening as the result. This type of positive reinforcement will often make sure that he’s willing to repeat the process because he likes the pay off.

Granted, you may have to move slowly and repeat this process several times. But this is so much better than being frustrated and never having the conversation at all. I wish I had used this process in my own situation. Instead of moving slowly and having patience, I tried to tackle everything at once by taking a harsh stand. This didn’t work very well and my husband and I ended up separated. Luckily, I was able to save my marriage but the process would have been easier if I had handled the difficult discussions in the right way. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: In today’s economy, it’s not at all unusual for couples to continue to live together even when they are going through a marital separation. Sometimes, the couple truly hopes that the separation isn’t going to mean the end of their marriage so they continue to live together. And other times, one or both of them might like to live apart, but they really can’t afford to pay for or support two households. Many people assume that living together during your separation means that reconnecting or reconciling is going to be a little easier. This isn’t always true, although this situation can have its advantages.

You might hear a wife in this situation comment: “my husband and I still live together although we are completely separated. My husband wasn’t happy in our marriage. I realized that we had our problems but I never stopped loving him. I still love him today. And I would like to reconnect with him so that a reconciliation is eventually possible. But I don’t think that my husband will be receptive to this. He pretty much keeps to himself. He isn’t rude to me or anything like that. But he doesn’t really talk to me or seem all that interested in spending any time with me.  He’s been staying late at work. I think he’s doing this because he’s trying to avoid me.  So how can I reconnect with him in this situation?” I’ll offer some tips for this in the following article.

Accept That Any Progress Is Likely To Be Gradual: If your husband is already showing resistance to reconnecting, then it’s likely that this is going to be a gradual process. Because if you push too hard too soon, you run the real risk of your husband avoiding you even more. He may try to make sure that he isn’t home as much or he might just openly resist your efforts.

It’s important that you set a pace where he isn’t going to resist and you are both going to be comfortable. The idea is that you move forward as you can. You may try to make a couple of overtures to see how they are perceived. If you have success, then you will know that you can slowly move forward. If he shows resistance, then you’ll either need to back up or try again in a different way.

Make Sure That You Make This Process Lighthearted And Fun: From my own experience and from stories that I hear about on my blog, I firmly believe that you often have much more success in reconnecting with a reluctant spouse if you take the pressure away. What I mean by this is that it’s often in your best interest to not be so serious. I know that this might sound absurd. After all, we’re talking about whether your marriage succeeds or fails and this is a very serious matter. But it’s just human nature for people to back away from things that cause pain or awkwardness. Along that same idea, it’s human nature to move toward what is fun or what makes you feel good.

It takes real skill and trial and error to maintain a sense of play and light heartedness in a difficult situation such as this one. But if you can do this, I believe that it will often go a long way toward helping you reconnect. This will often seem counter intuitive. After all, how does watching a funny movie solve your marital problems? It doesn’t. But it does allow you both to just relax and enjoy one another’s company. And you often really do need to bring back the sense of ease with one another and the bond before you can solve your biggest marital problems.

So often, people have this backwards. They think that they can’t reconnect until they solve all of their problems. They figure they will eliminate the problems and only then will they reconnect. But often what they did not consider is that it’s very hard to solve your problems when you are so stiff, angry, and awkward with one another.

But if you can successfully bring back a sense of play and whimsy, your problems will seem to shrink. They will become easier to deal with. And your spouse is likely to be more receptive to you. The bottom line is that sometimes in order to reconnect, you have to step back and take your focus off of reconnecting, as odd as that might sound. Because this takes the pressure off. And once that happens, you can have some fun, relax, and rediscover one another.

I know that this all might sound a bit crazy. But what harm would it do to just try it? Think about what your spouse sees as fun or a good time and then try to introduce that, in a very laid back way, into your household and see if you get a positive reaction. If not, wait a while and try again. I suspect that you’ll find that you get a more favorable response than trying to force your spouse to reconnect when he’s resistant and when things are awkward.

I had to use this same strategy during my own separation.  All of the pressure had to disappear because otherwise, my husband avoided me completely.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel as if they are the sole participant in their marriage. They have come to believe that their spouse doesn’t care enough to be actively engaged. As a result, the marriage has deteriorated significantly and, if it was difficult to get their spouse to actively participate before, it’s almost impossible to get him involved when things start to go south.

And that’s when the frustration starts to set in. Often, the motivated spouse will try various things in order to entice their spouse to actively try to help improve the marriage. But this can sometimes only seem to make things worse. And it can leave the motivated spouse wondering if anything is actually going to work.

As an example, I might hear from a wife who says: “my marriage is really struggling. When we first got married, my husband was sweet and loving. He actively tried to make our marriage a happy one and he did all sorts of things to let me know that he loved me. But over the years, that has all changed. Honestly, it appears as if he thinks that keeping our marriage and our family together is solely my job. He doesn’t talk to me about his feelings. He doesn’t try to do better when I point out that we are mostly like room mates. He forgets special days for me. He doesn’t show me affective or show any interest in my life or what is important to me. I have gotten very tired of this. I feel as if I am in the middle of a large lake and I am frantically paddling the boat while my husband is only sitting back and enjoying the scenery. I have told my husband that I can’t improve our marriage alone. And at this point, it feels like I need to save it and not just improve it. Because I am not sure that I want to be in this lonely, one sided marriage anymore. I have tried threatening to leave my husband. I have tried just blatantly asking him to do better. I have tried to guilt him into being more attentive. Nothing works. I just think that he doesn’t want to be involved. What’s the best way for me to get him to be an active participant in my marriage?”

I commend this wife for hanging in there over so much time. If you look at any of the staggering statistics about divorce, it’s clear that many people find it easier or more appealing to just walk away rather than to stick it out even when it is lonely and hard. But, as commendable as this is, it’s an unfair situation and your marriage could be much stronger and fulfilling if you could just get him on board. So, in the following article, I will offer some tips that might make this process easier for you and more attractive to him.

Before You Ask Him To Put In The Effort, Show Him What He Might Get In Return: Often, when you ask your husband to work on your marriage, he assumes that you are the only one who is going to enjoy the end result. In other words, he thinks that you are asking him to show you more affection, to support you more, and to be a better spouse to you. And although all of these things are wonderful goals, in his mind, these things are only going to benefit you. He may see this as he is the one who is doing the giving while you are the one who is going to reap the rewards.

Make sure that he knows that there are benefits to him as well, the biggest of which is that when you are happier, you are going to be more receptive sexually. He is going to get much more enthusiastic sex initiated by his wife because suddenly his wife is going to feel more loved and valued by her husband. Not only that, but your relationship is going to be much more fulfilling to him because you will not longer need to nag him or point out the places where you are unhappy.

Only Ask For A Little Bit At A Time And Give Him Praise For Even Small Efforts: I understand that you probably have a lot of items on your wish list that you would like to see changed. But you don’t want to show this list to your husband all at one time. It will likely be overwhelming to him and he’ll feel as if you are always going to have a new thing to change or criticize. Focus on only one thing at a time. When you see him making an effort, give him lots of positive feedback. The most important thing to remember is that he you must make him want to do this on his own. He must feel as if he has the ability to please you and that, when he does, you’re going to notice and you’re going to make it worth his while.

In short, the best way to get him to participate in improving or saving your marriage is to show him that it doesn’t need to be work. It can be fun. It can be gradual. And he can start small. And when he does, you are going to make sure that he knows that his efforts are worth it. All of these things will encourage him to keep progressing and to becoming a better spouse who actively participates in his marriage.

When I was trying to save my own relationship, I attempted to do too much all at once.  This was overwhelming and my husband and I both felt that we (and our marriage) were failing.  I was forced to attempt one change at a time, but I wish I’d done that from the beginning.  It would have saved a lot of time.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel as if they are having to hold back their true feelings while they are separated. Often, they can’t help but notice that when they tone down or hide their feelings, they get a better response from their spouse. So, they become used to hiding their feelings. However, as things improve, they resent this and they want to be more forthcoming. But they don’t want to jeopardize any of the progress that they have made.

I heard from someone who said something to the effect of: “when my husband and I first separated, I never passed up an opportunity to tell him how much I missed him and how much I hated being separated from him. I told him the separation was tearing me up inside and that I wanted this to end. When I would say these things, my husband would always cut the conversation or the meeting short. So I learned to tone this down. I started focusing on the positive and I wouldn’t bring up negative things when I was with my husband. As a result, things started to improve between us. At one point, my husband said he had considered reconciling and I was thrilled. But after a few weeks, he started to back off a little again. He admitted that he just wasn’t sure what he wanted. Well, in two days it is our anniversary. When my husband was being sweet, I couldn’t wait for our anniversary to come up. But now I dread it. Obviously, it’s not going to be a meaningful day for us. I feel like just being honest and telling my husband how sad and devastated I am. Honestly, I am tired of pretending. But I’m scared that if I unload this on him, he’s only going to back away more. At what point is it OK to start telling him the truth about how sad I am?”

This is a tough situation. I know first hand how much a separated husband can back away as soon as you show him the true depth of your feelings. Honestly, it’s very easy for him to become overwhelmed and to feel pressured. So many men will pull away rather than stay put and deal with the negative emotions. And, when you see some actual improvement when and if you hold back, then that’s a very obvious clue that it can be in your best interest to remain quiet. But over time, you can start to feel like you’re almost betraying yourself. I believe that there’s a way to strike a compromise between the two, which I will discuss below.

Being Honest Isn’t Off Limits As Long As You Don’t Dwell On It And Hurt Your Progress: It made me really sad that this wife was considering just not seeing her husband at all on their anniversary because she worried that it would just be too awkward and too painful. They’d already made plans so it would probably be obvious as to why she was canceling. I didn’t think that she had to pretend that everything was fabulous during their anniversary. Obviously, everything wasn’t fabulous and if you try to pretend that it is, you really aren’t going to be fooling anyone.

With that said, you don’t want to let your feelings over take the day so that it puts a damper on anything positive or spontaneous that might happen. The wife might consider just clearing the air by saying something like: “it has to be obvious that this isn’t a typical anniversary for us and that is a bit sad. I’m struggling a little bit today but I’m going to make the best of it. Because I believe that if we work together, next year’s anniversary is going to be much better. And we’re together on this day. It’s a beautiful day. I just want to focus on what we have to be grateful for and how we can enjoy what is already in front of us.”

You shouldn’t and don’t need to deny your true feelings. Your husband is probably well aware of them anyway. But you don’t want to make them the focus so that the day can’t be enjoyable. Because if you go into it with a sense of sadness and gloom, then you can ruin what could be a turning point for you. Who is to say that your husband won’t experience sweet memories or nostalgia on your anniversary and reach out to you? Honestly, you have no way of knowing what it is going to happen. The day could actually work to your advantage. But, you won’t know that unless you just allow yourself to experience it openly.

There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging your feelings. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your concerns. But once these things are done, you want to move on and focus on the positive things that you can still salvage. The future is still ahead of you. And you have no idea how it is going to turn out. But it’s generally a pretty sure bet that the outcome is at least somewhat influenced by your attitude which also influences your actions.

So to answer the original question posed, I don’t think that you have to hide your feelings from your separated husband. He probably knows more than you think. But in my opinion, it’s vital that you proceed in a positive way despite those feelings. Because if you don’t, the negative feelings might cause some negative actions that wouldn’t help your cause.

As I alluded to, I had to hold back sometimes with my own separation. And it was difficult. But it was also obvious that this helped me to improve things. Once I was on solid ground again and my relationship could withstand some brutal honesty, then I was more open. But I was always careful not to jeopardize the progress I’d already made. It if helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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