Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who have heard their spouse accuse them of having an unequal relationship. Often, one spouse is accusing the other of not having the same type of feelings as they themselves have. It’s almost as if the spouse making the accusations is keeping score and no matter what the other says, the accusing spouse does not feel adequately loved. This can leave the spouse who is being accused of not loving their spouse adequately feeling as if they can not win.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband is telling me that I don’t love him enough. He’s telling me that he loves me more than I love him. He says that when he goes to kiss me or show me affection, he sees me literally turn away. He says that when we make love, he doesn’t think that I am having a physical reaction. He says that he doesn’t think that I am physically attracted to him. I am not completely surprised about this. For years, he has been trying to get me to show more affection to him, especially in public and around other couples. I have to say that I’m not a very demonstrative person. I’m very introverted and I am uncomfortable with public displays of affection. I’m not the type of person who is going to shower anyone with kisses. I will admit that I had a very passionate relationship in college with a man who I loved so much that I almost lost control of myself. In that relationship, I could not show enough affection to this man, but the relationship was not a healthy one. And I have never been the same way with anyone else because of that relationship. I have matured now and I think my husband and I have a mature love. I do love him. I honestly do. But I don’t feel the need to act like a teenager and it makes me a little angry and put out that he asks this of me. How insecure do you have to be in order to try to guilt or shame your spouse into giving more than they are comfortable with? It’s getting to the point where I’m considering ending my marriage. Because no matter how much I reassure my husband that I truly do love him, it’s never enough. It’s like a cup that can never be filled up. And I don’t find this type of neediness attractive. He’s too insecure and I hate dealing with this. How can I make him believe that I do love him? Even though I don’t show my affection as much as he does, this doesn’t mean that I don’t love him as much as he loves me. And why the need to keep score anyway?”

This isn’t an uncommon situation, but it’s probably not one that can’t be overcome. This is like any situation where the spouses disagree. You have to find a compromise, but what is more important than that is finding a compromise with which you can both be happy. If one spouse feels that they have been asked to give too much, then there is going to be resentment and you can’t give freely. But if you feel that you are getting more than you’re giving, then you are much more likely to willingly give what might make your spouse happier. Now, I’ll offer some suggestions about how you might negotiate this issue.

Ask For Specifics: I suspect that one of the major frustrations that the wife had was that this husband was talking about his unhappiness in generalities. He could tell her vaguely that he wanted for her to show him more affection, but she needed to know, quite specifically, how he expects for this to look or to be carried out. Did he mean that he wanted for her to hug and kiss him spontaneously more often when they were in public? Or would he be happy if she was more loving and enthusiastic in the privacy of their own home? Because often, it’s not really the displays that he is concerned with, even if this is what he claims.

What he generally feels that he is missing is the feeling of acceptance, of desire, and of appreciation. You don’t necessarily have to make a spectacle of yourself in public in order to accomplish this. It might just be small adjustments that would make him happy.

Obviously, this wife really did love her husband and somehow that was getting lost in the translation. So perhaps it was time to have a very open and honest discussion about this. She might say something like: “in a way, it hurts and confuses me that you don’t feel as if I love you as much as you love me. I can assure you that I love you so much. I know that I am not the most demonstrative person, but I do want for you to know that I love you. And I’m wondering what specifically you need from me in order to feel more loved and appreciated. I’m more than willing to work with you to put some behaviors in place that are going to make you feel better. I don’t want for you to feel any doubt about my love for you. At the same time, I don’t want to get in a situation where I’m trying very hard to make progress and you’re not feeling any effort because what I’m doing isn’t working. So, can we talk about what exactly you need from me? That way, I’ll know that whatever I do is actually going to work.”

Allow your husband to answer without interrupting. If you read between the lines, you will often be able to determine what he really wants. It’s likely that he just wants to feel validated. And he will need to give you more information in order for you to be able to effectively accomplish this. But, frankly, it is often worth the effort. When two people love each other like these two obviously did, there was reason to have hope that they could find a workable compromise.

I wish I had paid more attention when my husband told me that he didn’t feel appreciated enough.  I thought that he was being too needy and I just hoped that the whole thing would work itself out.  This almost costs me my marriage.  I had to look at it from a completely different angle in order to fix it. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from couples who disagree about the timing of their reconciliation. Usually, one spouse is ready far earlier than the other. And this can cause hurt feelings and confusion. Because it’s often not that the reluctant spouse never wants to reconcile. They often do want to – at least eventually. But they’re not ready quite yet and they feel pressure since they don’t want to hurt any one’s feelings or create any misunderstandings. At the same time, something deep down is telling them that it isn’t the best idea to reconcile before they are truly ready because doing so might put the odds of the reconciliation actually succeeding at risk.

An example of a concern in this situation is something like: “my husband moved out about four months ago. It was a mutual decision because our marriage had become somewhat unhappy and unhealthy. We fought all of the time and the fights had started to turn personal. He was under a high degree of stress with his work and he brought that home a lot. It got a point where I would start to become anxious when I was driving home from work because I knew that the atmosphere at home was going to be tense. When I approached my husband about a separation, he admitted that it might benefit him to work on himself and he was very gracious about giving me time. He also has been very respectful during our separation and he has allowed me to set the tone. He says that he loves me and wants for me to be happy and I believe and appreciate that. We have gotten together regularly during our separation and things have gone well. We have communicated very effectively and for the most part we have fun when we get together. I am enjoying this new phase of our relationship and I like flirting with my husband again. The problem is that my husband wants to come home. He says that he thinks our marriage is ready to move forward. Maybe our marriage is ready. But I am not ready. I have enjoyed having this time to myself. And I have been working on myself on a personal level. I feel like I still have some work to do on my own. I am not saying that I don’t want to ever let me husband come back home. I most definitely do. And probably soon. But I am not ready right now. However, I’m not sure how to tell this to my husband without hurting his feelings and without making it sound like a rejection. ”

I understood this wife’s hesitation. The last thing she wanted to do was to hurt her husband or to jeopardize the possibility of a future reconciliation. But I believe that she was right to be listening to your gut. If your heart is telling you that you are not ready, then I believe that you are better off honoring this and being honest rather than allowing a spouse to come home even when you know that the time isn’t right. Making your marriage work after a separation can be a challenge even when the timing is perfect. But going into knowing that the timing is off is conceding that you already have something stacked against you. There’s no reason to do this when waiting would likely give you a better result and allow you to be more enthusiastic about the process.

Effectively Communicating This: So how do you clearly communicate this without being hurtful? Well first, I would think that you stress the positive. You have made so much progress. You have seen some wonderful and encouraging changes. And the time apart has made you appreciate your husband and allowed you to see that he is willing to put your needs and your well being first. Second, you may want to offer some compromise. Because at the heart of it, he’s really looking to move forward. Perhaps you’re not ready for him to move back in, but maybe you’re perfectly comfortable with spending weekends together or seeing each other for extended periods of time more often. All of this is important to communicate.

So you may want to say something like: “it’s so encouraging that you want to come home. That makes me see how far we have come. And that touches me deeply. I know that we have both worked hard during this separation and I see a lot of positive signs that make me very hopeful about the future. I do believe that the time will be right for us to live together again soon, but I’m just not ready quite yet. And by that I don’t mean that I don’t want you with me or that our marriage isn’t what I want. What I mean by that is that I still feel that I need a little bit of time to work on myself. I want to be as strong and as healthy as possible so that as an individual I can make our marriage and our partnership as strong as it can possibly be. And for that I just need a little bit more time. I want for our marriage to survive and thrive once you come home so I want for both of us to be as ready as we can possibly be. In the meantime, I’d love to start spending weekends together so that we can sort of ease back into a permanent living situation when the time is right. Does that sound good to you?”

Of course, this is just a suggestion. Feel free to add in whatever words or suggestions that will work best for your marriage. But the key is to say this in such a way that he feels encouraged and so that he understands.

In my own marriage, it was my husband who was not ready to reconcile.  I eventually learned that having patience was so much better than applying pressure.   And so I bided my time until the timing was better.  And this worked.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are very hurt because of some things that happened during their marital affair. Even when things improve dramatically, the doubts can remain. That’s why it’s sometimes attractive to think that you could just start over or begin again. But, while this sounds promising in theory, people often wonder if it’s going to be possible (and healthy) in real life.

A comment that I might hear is something like: “my husband and both agreed to a trial separation but the idea was that it was only going to be for a short time. Well, it went on for awhile because my husband started to date someone else. This hurt me and I retaliated and said some very evil things to him. For a while, we weren’t speaking at all. It looked as if we were going to get a divorce. But one day, I ran into my husband at the market and we went out for coffee and we started talking and never stopped. Eventually, we decided to reconcile. However, when I try to talk to my husband about the other woman and about some of the unsavory things that happened between us during the separation, my husband doesn’t want to talk about it. He says that we shouldn’t look to the past and that we should just start over from scratch. His belief is that we should see this as a brand new marriage because that is what he intends for it to be. He says that we should just forget everything but what tomorrow brings. This all seems very tempting and I wish that I were able to do this. But I do not think that I can just forget that he was with someone else. And I am not sure that I could forget the hurtful issues that lead to the separation. Do any couples successfully just start over after a separation?”

From what I can tell from the comments that I get on my blog, many couples do attempt to start over. But I’ve heard from very few who are completely successful. Because in order to truly be able to start over, you’d have to totally forget what happened in the past. Very few people are able to do this. Sometimes, it’s extremely challenging to just forget about the pain that lead you here. Not only that, but if you just gloss over everything, then you won’t be able to work on the issues that brought about the separation and you could miss out on some improvements that might come out of this. I believe that the better alternative is to examine and attempt to fix the issues without dwelling on them and with an eye toward moving forward. I will offer some tips on how to do that below.

Delay Examining The Past Until Everyone Is Optimistic About The Future: I fully advocate examining and trying to work through your problems. In fact, I firmly believe that if you don’t do this, you run a real risk of your reconciliation struggling because you’re going to keep seeing the same issues crop up over and over again. However, with this said, often the in the initial stages of reconciliation, your marriage is quite fragile. And it may not be able to hold up to such stringent scrutiny. My suggestion is to sort of feel your way. Only try to handle one issue at a time. If things are going well and you are successful, then introduce another issue as your marriage can withstand the same. As you hit resistance, then think about pulling back until your marriage gets stronger and you can try again.

You Can Begin Again With A More Hopeful Attitude And Sense Of New Possibilities: I think that couples can mean two different things when they suggest that they want to start over again. They can mean that they want to erase the past (which is very difficult, if not impossible.) Or, they can mean that they want to great their marriage with a new sense of adventure and romance (which is most definitely possible.) I think that trying to bring a new sense of playfulness and excitement to your marriage is a wonderful idea and something that you should definitely embrace. But there is an important difference between the two. With one, you are trying to deny your past reality. And with the other, you are trying to create a new and better reality. I think that anticipating fresh possibilities within your marriage is a worthy goal. And frankly, this excitement can a long way when you begin your reconciliation.

But with this said, I’m sure there are memories and sweet things from your past marriage that you’d also like to embrace. One of the most wonderful things about being married for a certain period of time is that shared history that you have with your spouse and no one else. This is not something that you would want to deny or give away. So to answer the question posed, I think that you have to walk a fine line when you’re trying to start over after a separation. You have to embrace the good parts of your history while looking forward with anticipation for the future. And, as you marriage is able, you need to revisit those issues that lead you here while not completely denying that they exist.

Frankly, I tried to sell my own husband on the idea of starting over again after our separation.  But he was smart enough to know that in order to solve our problems, we had to face them gradually.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives who recently felt so triumphant when their husband finally came home. But unfortunately, that wonderful feeling was short lived. Today, they are not feeling nearly as confident or blissful. Usually, something happens relatively quickly to test or threaten the relationship so that the wife can begin to worry that her husband is going to leave her again.

You might hear a comment like: “about six months ago, my husband left me. Our marriage had been in trouble, but I felt very strongly that we could fix things if he would give us a chance. He didn’t want to give me that chance. He felt that our marriage was just too far gone. So, he moved out. I made sure that we kept in constant contact. At first he was very resistant to me. But in time, I wore him down and he started coming around again. When he would come over, I would tell him how much I missed him and how much I struggle without him here. This went on for several weeks, when finally he agreed to come home. At first, things were great. But eventually, we started to fight about the same old things. And he started to say that he regretted coming home. He started to threaten to leave again. It has gotten to the point where I’m afraid to express my displeasure or to disagree with him. I feel like he’s going to walk out on me again. And I feel like it will be impossible to get him back the second time. I know that we have real problems, but I don’t want for him to leave again. How can I avoid him walking out on me again without being a doormat?”

It’s Best To Approach This Is A Fresh, New Way: I really felt for this wife. And I often tell wives that, as much as you can want your husband to come home, there is a real risk in him coming home too soon. This scenario is the perfect example of why. If you never broach or begin to fix why he left in the first place, then as soon as the same issue or problem comes up (and it almost always will eventually) then you run the risk of him repeating the same pattern by leaving once more. This is especially true if you haven’t learned new ways to deal with your problems. Many couples make it after a separation because they learn new ways to solve old problems. They learn the art of compromise or of gradually making changes as their marriage can tolerate it.

The good news is that the husband hadn’t yet left. The wife still had time to address any recurring issues. But continuing to say nothing while she saw the same patterns was a real risk. I felt that it made sense to try to address this before it got out of hand. I would suggest waiting to approach your husband until everything is relatively calm between you.

Then, you might say something like: “can we talk for a second? Something’s bothering me. I know that I can’t expect for our marriage to be perfect. I know that we have some things to work on. I know that this is going to take time. But what worries me is that we seem to be falling into the same old patterns. The concern is that you will leave again before we have time to do the work that is going to strengthen our marriage and make us much happier together. I’d like for us to find a way to learn to navigate our problems a little more efficiently. I’m afraid that if we don’t do this, a fight is going to escalate to the point where you leave again. And when that happens, our marriage may be at risk. Can you commit to working with me to ensure that this doesn’t happen?”

I hope that this conversation goes well and that your husband immediately agrees to do the work. But I have to tell you that many husbands aren’t going to be really enthusiastic about this. They can equate working on your marriage as having to share their feelings and all of those other things that men hate to do. That’s why you may have to accept gradual success and you may have to take the initiative and be willing to lead the way. But this is a better strategy than just ignoring the warning signs that you are already seeing and hoping for the best.

Make Sure That You Aren’t Projecting Fear That Isn’t Necessary: I’d like to make one final point. It’s natural to be afraid that he’s going to leave again. After all, the pain from him leaving the first time is still fresh in your mind. So of course you are going to have this concern. And when you fight, then you become even more sensitive of this possibility. Try to be careful though, that you aren’t allowing the fear to control your actions. You want to make sure that you do the work necessary to alleviate this risk as much as you can. But beyond that, you just have to have faith. You don’t want to become so fearful and accusatory that you bring about the thing that you fear the worst. If you’re always bringing up the possibility of him leaving again, you can almost put the idea in his head, which is the last thing that you want to do.

So I think the best option is to address the situation, work hard to fix it, and then be hopeful and as confident as you can that he’s going to hold up his end of the bargain.

I was always very paranoid that my husband would leave me again after our separation.  But eventually, I decided that my worrying was making it even more likely for him to leave.  So I placed my focus on improving our marriage instead and this was the best decision I could have made.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who have spent some time hearing their spouse say that he’s no longer invested in the marriage or that the marriage is over. Often, there is a great deal of pain and shock the first time that you hear this. But, often, this isn’t the only time that this exchange takes place. Unfortunately, often these phrases are spoken over and over again without any resolution in sight.

You might hear a comment like: “for the past three years, my husband has been telling me how unhappy he is in our marriage. At first, I thought he was just blowing off steam. I figured he would have his say, calm down, and move on. And that did appear to happen, at least at first. But a couple of months later, we had the exact same conversation all over again. He told me that he felt that our marriage was over. I didn’t have much of a response because I didn’t have any idea how I was supposed to respond to this. Once again, my husband did nothing but complain and then took no action. Last week, he once again told me that our marriage just wasn’t working for him. And once more, he did nothing but say words but take no action. At this point, every time he opens his mouth I brace myself. I always anticipate him telling me that my marriage is over. But I don’t ever anticipate him doing anything about it. Sometimes, I get so angry about this I feel like just filing for divorce myself because I get sick of him not doing anything. What is the point of saying these hurtful things to me if nothing is going to change? The only thing that stops me from filing for a divorce just to get this over with is the fact that I actually still love him and I still want to be married. But my tolerance is starting to fade. I’m not sure how much more I can listen to him complain about our marriage and then do nothing. It’s gotten to the point where I just don’t even want to listen to him anymore.”

I don’t doubt that this situation can be so completely frustrating. Who wants to have their spouse’s unhappiness thrown at them repeatedly? And although this wife was too nice to say it, I suspected that she probably wasn’t completely happy with her marriage either.

If You Do Nothing, You Might Get More Of The Same Unsatisfying Sequence: Unfortunately, it was entirely possible that this cycle was going to keep repeating itself until the wife did something to break the cycle. There are a couple of choices here. You can bring your husband’s attention to the fact that he never takes any action (knowing that the risk is that he finally WILL take some action and move out or seek a divorce) or you can take some initiative to bring about change on your own, hoping that this will motivate him to do the same.

If you do nothing, you are likely to have the same result and you will get to continue watching this process over and over again. My suggestion would be to ask yourself what you are willing to do in order to make some meaningful changes. And I can’t answer that question for you because only you know your comfort level and options that you might explore. But I’d suggest having a plan in place before you have a very direct conversation with your husband.

Changing Up Your Response: Once you do have a plan and you’ve determined a strategy you want to try, then it’s time to initiate a discussion. The next time your husband says the marriage is over or that he’s unhappy, you might change things up this time. Instead of tuning him out or saying nothing you might say something like: “well, I’m well aware of that because we’ve had this conversation repeatedly. And yet, here we are again having the same conversation because nothing changes. I’d like to break this cycle. I’ve made an appointment with a counselor for next week. I’d like for you to go with me, but I’m going either way. I’d like for us to work on ways that we can both be happy. I hope that the fact that you are still here means that you still deep down hold out some hope for this marriage. I do. But things need to change. If we keep going on in the same way, we’re going to remain unhappy and neither of us deserve that. Will you work with me to make real changes so that we aren’t continuing to have this conversation over and over?”

You have to be careful that you don’t come on so strongly that he feels challenged to actually take some action that means he will move out, want to separate, or file for a divorce. Make it very clear that you’re wanting change that will help you to save your marriage instead of end it. Understand that you may have to move gradually. Believe it or not, your husband might have developed some comfort with this pattern because it is known. So sometimes, you will have to move forward as you are able to without pushing too hard.

I know that you are tired of this, but it really is an advantage that he hasn’t moved out or filed for divorce.  Because as it stands now, you do have to make the changes that might save your marriage.  In my own situation, my husband was nearly ready to file for divorce so I had to work at an almost desperate pace and I didn’t always handle it so well.  If if helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are confused about the physical relationship that is still happening (and sometimes at a greater frequency) since they separated from their spouse. Some never anticipated continuing on with a sexual relationship once the separation began. And some are surprised to find that their sex life with their separated spouse is better (and more frequent) than ever. This can lead to questions such as what this might mean for the separation and the marriage and whether there are any moral implications of this.

A common comment in this situation is something like: “my husband and I separated about a month ago. The first weekend after my husband moved out, we started having sex. At first, it was just timid and awkward but we seemed to need each other in this way. Then a little while later, it started to become more intense and exciting. It’s been a couple of weeks, and now we are having more sex, and better sex, than we have had in a very long time. To be honest, I am really enjoying myself, at least physically. But emotionally, I am confused. If we are struggling in our marriage, why are we having such great sex? What does this mean for our separation? And is this wrong? Part of me thinks that perhaps we should stop, but I don’t really want to. What now?”

I can’t make marital decisions for anyone, but I can tell you my opinion on this, having been through a separation myself. I have no problem admitting that if I could have gotten my husband to have regular sex with me when we were separated, I would have not have had any problem with it. In fact, I would have embraced the opportunity. I understand that when you are separated, you are having serious marital issues. But to me, you are still married. I often feel that there’s a reason that no one has filed for a divorce. I believe it’s often because somewhere deep inside, you still harbor a desire that there’s a chance for your marriage.

And the fact that you still have the physical attraction and spark for one another is, at least to me, a good indication that perhaps your marriage isn’t over. Now, with this said, it’s not unheard of for separated couples to have casual sex and to still eventually end up divorced. Emotions can run high when you begin a separation. You miss one another. You feel very lonely. You want some assurance that you can feel something again. So it makes sense that you might reach out to one another. For many couples, this only happens once or twice and then they have closure and come to a natural end.

But when it’s happening over and over and has become routine, then you perhaps want to look at why both of you aren’t looking to get any distance. People often feel quite guilty and ashamed about this, but I believe that these are misplaced emotions. This person is your spouse. You aren’t divorced. You aren’t cheating on anyone else. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this, on the condition that every one is being honest and no one is using the other. Obviously, you don’t want to be in a situation where one spouse is more than happy to continue to have sex while he doesn’t have any intention of ever trying to save the marriage. That wouldn’t be fair to either of you and that’s only assuring that someone is going to be hurt in the end.

I do think it’s important to eventually ask yourself why this is happening and what you want the result to be in the future. Are you hopeful this will lead to a reconciliation? Are you just having sex because you’re trying to ease into letting go? Are you confused and trying to sort out your feelings? Why this is happening is going to give you a lot of information about what happens next.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea to have a discussion about this. If you’re comfortable enough and getting along well enough to have sex, then your relationship is probably such that you can ask about the status. You don’t have to be argumentative. You don’t have to apply pressure. You can just say something like: “please don’t think I’m complaining because I’m definitely not. But I can’t help but notice that we’re having more sex than we had when we were living together. As far as you are concerned, do you think this is going to have any implications on our marriage going forward? Are we just having fun? Or are we moving toward something else? I don’t mean to put pressure on this situation. I know that we may have to just wait and see. But I just wanted to know how you view this situation.”

I can’t predict what he might say. He may tell you that he’s hopeful about your marriage because things are going so well. And he may say that he just doesn’t know. At that point, you’ll probably need to consider how you feel and what you want moving forward. You’ll want to ask yourself if you’re feeling used or if just the opposite is true.

I’d like to make one final point. This situation can really go either way. Some couples do eventually let go and end their relationship. Others use their physical relationship as the stimulus to work on and then save their marriage. But they go beyond the sex and they fix their relationship. I don’t think that this is wrong as long as you use it as the starting point to allow you to see that perhaps your marriage isn’t over and is worth saving.

As I alluded to, I would have considered it a bit of a victory to be having sex during our separation. But we rarely spoke, much less had physical contact. I think there’s definitely a way to use this as a starting point to saving your marriage if you handle it correctly. If it helps, you can read about the gradual process I used to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from folks who are quite torn as to what to think about how their separation is evolving. They are often seeing some improvement, but this has taken so long to happen that they hesitate to get their hopes up. They want to believe in the process and have faith that their spouse may soon be coming home or that the separation might be coming to an end. But they don’t want to have their heart broken if this doesn’t happen. And they don’t want to do anything to apply pressure to the situation in the fear or negating the hard fought progress that they are already seeing.

You might hear a comment like: “for the first couple of weeks of our separation, it was pretty obvious that my husband was liking his freedom. He would resist my calls. He would never attempt to see me. And if I would get up my nerve and ask him if he missed me, then I would get a luke warm response. Well, for the last three weeks, I have finally started to see some improvements. Lately, he is taking the initiative to call me. He has started talking about memories that he had of our marriage (and they are finally good ones.) And he has started to let some sweet comments slip out. My question is does this mean he might finally come home?” Because at this point, that is really all I want him my life. I don’t care about anything else. I feel that if I can just get him home, then I can worry at that point about solving our problems. But I feel like our marriage is so vulnerable when he’s away. I worry that he might meet someone else or get into the habit of going out. Do you think that he might finally going to be coming home?”

I wish that I could see into the future and offer some reassurance but I can’t. I can, however, tell you that seeing this sort of shift can be a very good sign. They key is to straddle the fine line of playing this correctly while not pushing too hard. Your husband may have some doubts and may want to move slowly in order to have the reassurance that the improvement that he feels is real. So the worst thing that you can do is to immediately get all excited and talk about or start pushing for him to come home right away. Because quite frankly, you don’t want for him to come home if he still has doubts or if there is a chance that it is not going to work out.

If you push before he is ready, then you are setting yourself up for him to leave again in the future when both of you are disappointed with how things proceed once he comes home. So below, I’ll offer some tips on how to ensure that when he does come home, you have the highest chance that your marriage actually improves so much that you don’t have to worry about him leaving again, because it’s really no fun to always have that sense of dread wondering that he might not actually want to be with you.

Try To Build On The Positive Things That Are Happening And Realize That It’s Best If He Is The One Who Mentions Coming Home: I know how tempting it is to want him to come home the second that you start to see some positive behavior. But there is a real risk involved in this strategy. Some of the time, this can cause a husband to back away because he’s just not yet ready to take that leap, especially since you’re only just starting to see some improvement. Instead, I think it’s smart to try to enjoy the process for a while. Continue on with what you are doing because there is a chance that the improvement is due to whatever strategy you are using now (especially if you saw improvement after trying something new.)

Try to make the whole process fun and effortless for both of you. It’s important that you try to be laid back about this process because you don’t want for it to feel forced or awkward. If it does, your husband may doubt if it is legitimate or sincere. Try to create low pressure situations where you can bond and have fun.

Be Careful To Gauge Whether Your Relationship Is Ready To Work Through Your Problems: Now, while it is important for the two of you to eventually work out your problems, sometimes you have to wait until your relationship can tolerate this. Sometimes, you have to stop if you notice your husband getting defensive or if you feel resistance. At the same time, if you notice that you’re able to discuss your issues or problems without great difficulty and you’re seeing compromise and change that is bringing you closer, then that’s a good sign that you can continue. It will only be to your benefit to try to improve things before or as he’s coming home. But if you notice tension or that this is negating the progress that you have already made, then it is better to wait until things are more solid between you.

But to answer the question posed, although these are all very good signs, you can’t predict if your husband will immediately be coming home. And you are better off just adding to the progress that you have already made and wait for him to bring up or request coming home instead of applying pressure.

As hard as it was, I knew that my best case scenario was if my husband was the one who brought up coming home.  This was an excruciating wait at times.  But when he did come home, I knew that it was because he really wanted to and this felt wonderful.  It if helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are trying very hard to gauge how their trial separation is going in terms of being able to save their marriage. They often look for things that they deem good or bad signs which they believe may ultimately have an impact on their marriage. One common example of this is frequent communication and physical meetings.

You might hear something like: “I’m very pleased that my separated spouse often calls me and visits. He isn’t overly loving to me when he does and these conversations and meetings can be a little awkward and cold but at least they are happening. They do give me hope that he still cares enough to check in and to come by. I told one of my coworkers about this and she cautioned me not to get my hopes up. She said that he’s probably just trying not to hurt my feelings and he knows that if he doesn’t call or come by, then I might show up at his place unannounced. So, she figures that perhaps his coming by is an attempt to control and limit our meetings. This certainly isn’t what I wanted to hear. I’d hoped that these things were a good sign. Are they? Or is it possible that he’s only calling or coming by out a sense of guilt, obligation, or a desire to control how much I’m trying to contact him?”

Of course, I didn’t know this husband and I couldn’t possible guess at his motivations, but generally speaking, I do believe that it’s a good sign when your spouse calls and comes by when you are separated. Frankly, I very often hear from people whose spouse is extremely distant and out of sight the second he moves out. Often, the spouse left at home (or the one who didn’t want the separation in the first place) is the one who is doing all of the calling and visiting. So when the spouse who moved out or initiated the separation is the one initiating the contact, then I always see that as a positive sign.

With this said, just having contact generally isn’t enough to save your marriage, especially if this contact is awkward and cold. But it’s certainly a good place to start and it gives you something to work with. The key is to turn brief and  cordial meetings into rebuilding your marriage. You will often need to accept gradual progress with this and you will have to very slowly lay a foundation. You have to be careful here. Because if your husband is already a bit reluctant, then coming on too strongly can actually cause him to pull back, making your job much harder in the end.

Make sure you make it obvious that you appreciate him reaching out to you, but don’t take it so far that he feels any pressure to behave a certain way. What you really want is for the communication to be light hearted and fun. You want for him to look forward to seeing you. In fact, what you really want is for it to go so well that he begins to increase the frequency of the meetings or calls and that they become less cold over time.

If you’ve taken things too far and you notice him begin to pull back or to not reach out as frequently, then try giving him more time. Often, if you give him some space, then he will resume calling or coming by once things don’t feel so pressured. You don’t want for him to feel as if he has to meet any unspoken quota or behave in alignment with any unwritten rules. You want for things to feel natural and fun between you.

So, instead of trying to second guess what this communication means or where this all might be going, instead try to focus on the quality of the communication and enjoy it. Make sure that he wants to repeat the process and that every meeting is just a little bit better than the last. Because this is way to keep it going and to make sure that it improves a little each time so that before you know it, you are on the path to improving (and hopefully saving) your marriage.

But to answer the question posed, I believe that his visiting and coming by is a good sign, especially if he continues on with it and you notice that the meetings are improving in quality. Frankly, some people may reach out because of guilt, at least initially. But this isn’t usually sustainable. If people are acting only out of guilt, then eventually the communications will taper off as the other spouse feels he’s succeeded in easing the other into the separation. That didn’t appear to be the case here, so in my humble opinion, there was plenty of reason to be hopeful, especially if the communications kept improving.

I had to use a very gradual approach when I saved my own marriage during our separation.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who feel some regret about forcing their spouse to leave or to move out. Often, this request felt very right or satisfying at the time, but now it just feel hasty and wrong. Most of the time, this decision was made in the heat of the moment and, in hindsight, it’s easy to see the flaws in it. But, once your spouse has actually left, this can feel like a mistake that might have long term consequences.

You might hear a comment like: “my husband and I had a huge misunderstanding last month. We had been arguing for several months about his job. He wanted to take a higher position that required more travel and more of a time commitment and I didn’t want him to do this. It would have meant more money, but not enough additional money for the hit that our family life would take because of it. I honestly knew that my husband was annoyed that I didn’t support him in this, but I figured that he would get over it. Well, last month, my husband came home and announced that he had taken the job without discussing it with me. He said that when he went to tell his boss he was leaning toward turning it down, his boss started to make him feel as if his current job might be in jeopardy if he refused to ‘grow with the company.’ When my husband told me this, I lost it and told him that I felt completely disrespected and betrayed. I would never ever commit to traveling away from my family for weeks at a time without discussing it with my spouse. Then, a huge argument erupted over this because my husband said that I don’t appreciate how hard he works and that I don’t understand all of the stress that he is under being our family’s main breadwinner. We both said mean things to one another and I told my husband to get out because I didn’t want a husband who didn’t see us as one unit that made decisions together. I kind of expected for my husband to resist and to tell me to calm down. But, he didn’t do that. He packed a bag and told me that he agreed that we weren’t compatible when it came to our careers and he left. Now that I have had weeks to calm down, I realize that I was wrong. I saw my husband out with friends last night and my heart just ached. I want him back. I want him to come home. He was cordial to me, but he didn’t linger. He said hello and then went on his way. My heart is broken over this. How do I tell him that I was wrong? What if he’s so angry he never comes back?”

I really felt this wife’s concern. This isn’t an uncommon situation. It’s normal to calm down only after your strong emotions have already caused some damage. And yet, you don’t want to look like a weak person when you go and beg your spouse to just ignore every thing that you’ve said, especially since some of your points may have had some real validity and may have been very important to you.

My feeling on this situation is to try to have an upbeat conversation and then to simply tell your spouse where and how you were wrong. Generally, his reaction and his response will tell you where he wants to take the next step. So you might start out by calling him and asking him if you can buy him dinner or a cup of coffee. It’s better to have this conversation in person, if possible. But if you have to have the conversation over the phone, that’s better than not having the conversation at all.

Then, you might want to say something like “I’ve had time to think about the last time we saw each other. I owe you a bit of an apology. I still feel very hurt that you didn’t discuss your decision with me before you communicated it to your boss. But, I regret the actions that I took. I was wrong to be so dramatic about it. I was just shocked that we didn’t have a chance to discuss it first. I hope that you will accept my apology. Kicking you out insinuated that you maliciously tried to hurt or disrespect me. And, looking back on it, I don’t think that’s true. I wish that you had made a different decision, but I know that you weren’t trying to hurt me.”

Then, wait for his response. He may say that he’s also sorry. This might lead to one of you saying that you miss the other and the conversation might naturally flow to him coming back home. Or, he may tell you that he needs time to think. I can’t predict what he might say. But at least you will have spoken from the heart and will have been honest with him about what you feel and about the apology that you think he deserves.

If and when he’s receptive to you again, try very hard to address the issues that lead  to this blow up in the first place. You don’t want to leave issues until they reach the point where one or both of you explodes or overreacts. Sometimes, this is a slow process because your marriage is already a little shaky from him leaving.

Move slowly and go at the pace that the situation allows for. Show him that your marriage is important enough to you to put in the effort for both of you to do a little better. If he’s reluctant or resistant to coming back home, then just try to improve your relationship a little at a time.

I think that it’s vital to admit when you are wrong.  If I had done this, perhaps I could have avoided separating in the first place.  I was able to save my marriage, but in a perfect world, I would have completely avoided a separation.  You’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who aren’t sure about what is the appropriate way to act toward their spouse who has announced that he is going to be moving out, usually for a trial or marital separation. Many spouses are somewhat disappointed in or angry at the their spouse for leaving the home. So it is only natural to feel at least some negative feelings about this process, and as a result, toward your spouse. At the same time, though, if you want to save your marriage, then you can intuitively know that allowing this anger to fully show may not be in your best interest. Still, no wants to feel as if they have to pretend or hide your true feelings.

In this situation, I might hear a comment like: “my husband just announced that he is going to be moving out this weekend. That is only four days away. I am very hurt by this, although he has been talking about doing this for quite some time now. Honestly, I guess I never thought that he would actually walk out on me. I don’t want for him to leave. I don’t want to give up on my marriage. But I am so mad at him for being so immature that he’s going to pack his bags and leave rather than stay and fight for our marriage like a man. It makes me very angry at him. But at the same time, I’m hoping to save my marriage. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around him. Things are going to be so awkward. Part of me wants to try to make the best of it but another part of me wants to just give him the cold shoulder. He says he isn’t sure what he wants to happen with our marriage. He says he just wants to be on his own for a little while. I think that this is very selfish and immature but I am not sure if I should show him this with my actions toward him. What is the best way to act toward the husband who is moving out?”

Try Not To Make Assumptions About How Either Of You Should Feel: The answer to this question, at least in my mind, the answer depends upon whether or not you want to save to your marriage. If you do, then you’ll have to be careful as to not damage your relationship during this process. It’s absolutely normal to be angry, and scared, and unsure. Believe it or not, you husband could very well be feeling these emotions also. He may have mixed feelings about moving out. People often assume that he can’t wait to be on his own, but this isn’t always the case. It can be wrong to just assume that he’s feeling happy and relieved to be free. He may well be struggling also.

And you have to remember that what you do now may well affect your ability to save your marriage later. However, with this said, that doesn’t mean that you have to hide your true feelings or act fake. Frankly, it’s probable that your husband knows you quite well and isn’t going to believe any act that you put on anyway. If he sees you pretending, this may make him reluctant to believe any of your claims going forward.

Be Honest, But Also Be Practical And Have An Eye Toward The Future: While I think that it’s fine to be somewhat honest about how you are feeling, you always want to try to put a positive spin on things looking forward. In short, you want to set things up so that things between you are favorable once he moves out. You’ll want to make it so you have easy access to him so that you can connect while he is living somewhere else.

I think that it can help to have an open conversation about this at a time when you are both calm. You want to set the stage about what is to come. You might want to say something like: “well, obviously I’m very disappointed and sad that you are moving out. This makes me concerned for our marriage. And I’m hoping that once you have the time that you need, we can come together again and work on improving our marriage so that living apart is no longer necessary. I am your wife and I love you and want to support you. So I hope that in the coming weeks, we can work together to make this go as smoothly as possible. Can we talk about how this is going to go once you leave? Do you envision us getting together or speaking regularly? What’s your ideal situation?”

Then, just sit back and allow for him to answer. He may not have thought about the logistics that are going to be necessary following his moving out. Many men don’t give this much thought until you ask them about it. They only know that they’d like some time and space and they don’t think of the details that go hand in hand with this.

Try to at least have the appearance of being calm and supportive. You don’t want to create a situation where he’s avoiding you because he knows that you are angry or he’s afraid to directly tell you the truth. That’s why this can be delicate situation that requires for you to measure honesty with what is going to work best for saving your marriage. Your husband likely knows you well enough to know that you’re going to be angry and hurt. But sometimes, you have to move beyond this for the greater good. At this point, he’s still your husband and you’ve established that you still love him and want to save your marriage. So now it’s time to act accordingly.

My husband was aware that I was hurt and a little annoyed when he moved out.  But I eventually learned that he responded much better to me when I acted upbeat and positive around him.  So I had to create a balance and this eventually helped me to save my marriage.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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