Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who have been recently dealt a devastating blow. Their spouse has told them that he thinks that they are no longer compatible – if they ever really were. And, because of this, he wants to separate. Sometimes, this isn’t really big news. Both people often know from the beginning that they have different personalities. And there are times when this is actually an asset to the relationship. But when other stressors are introduced into the marriage, suddenly the differences are no longer an asset. They are a problem.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “I always knew that my husband and I were very different people from very different backgrounds. In the beginning, these differences really worked for us. I’m introverted and quiet and my husband is very boisterous and extroverted. In my career, I’m a very behind the scenes person while my husband likes to be the center of attention. I really don’t like to throw big parties or have a lot of people around me, but my husband loves having big and lavish get togethers at our house. I don’t mind seeing our extended family during holidays, but he would have people over all of the time if I were to agree to it. These problems weren’t a big deal probably for the first five years of our marriage. But, over the past few years, they have started to bother my husband more and more. He’s been pushing to stay home less and travel more. Suddenly, he wants to go on all these huge adventures and to just leave everything else behind. We are in a financial position to do that, but I feel uncomfortable just leaving everything behind. I still have responsibilities and people who depend on me. But when I express even the slightest hesitation to my husband, he gets very angry and starts lecturing me on how I am holding him back. So I wasn’t all that surprised last night when he said he wanted a separation since we just aren’t compatible and are so different from one another. I wasn’t surprised, but I sure was hurt. I don’t want to end my marriage over this. But I can’t change who I am. And it hurts me that he is not happy with who I am. Do our differences have to mean the end of our marriage? I find myself thinking that I am going to have to be more fun loving and adventurous to attract my husband back to me, but when I try this, it just feels forced and fake.”

Unfortunately, this is a position that many separated folks find themselves in. They want to be who or what they think that their spouse wants. But when they try this new persona on for size, it feels as if they are just posing. It feels as if they are not being truthful to who they really are.  I know this first hand as I experienced it myself.  But, I’ve come to believe that there is way that you can stay true to who you are but still give a little at the same time. However, it does take being willing to do quite a bit of compromising. I will discuss this more below.

Getting To What Your Spouse Really Wants.  And Discovering What You Really Need: One goal of the separation should be to get a clearer picture of what your spouse really wants. You need to fully understand what his ideal marriage would look like. I know that it’s very tempting to assume something like: “what he really wants is for me to blow off all of my responsibilities and to travel all over with him without a care in the world,” but that may not be completely accurate. It’s easy to assume the worst here. It’s very tempting to think that he is asking too much when, in reality, some compromises may in fact make both of you happier.

Now, sometimes you won’t be able to get this information from your spouse immediately, especially if things are tense between you. Often, you will have to back off of the conflict for at least a little bit and just focus on restoring an easy rapport between you. It can be important to try to keep things very light and low in pressure. Once you are successful with this, you have a better chance of getting the information that you really need, which is what does he truly need in order to feel more fulfilled.

Once you have this information, it becomes much easier to then consider what you really want and need and then reconcile the two. Because the truth is, opposites do attract and opposites can and often do maintain a very happy and exciting marriage. It is often those differences that create a spark and balance the two of you out. An introvert who never wants to step outside of her comfort zone can benefit from the excitement that her husband brings to her life. And a man who is constantly on the go and surrounded by people can certainly benefit from quiet evenings at home. The key is to strike a compromise where both people feel as if they aren’t giving away too much and that what they are getting in return is fair and beneficial.

One component to making this whole thing work is understanding what you want, need, and can comfortably navigate. So, you need to explore your own wishes and needs as well.  And if you can come to this understanding before your husband has to actually move out, that would be the best possible scenario. Marriages are saved every day even after a separation where people live apart, but the whole thing is much easier when you are living under the same roof. It might be beneficial to see if you can strike these compromises before he needs to move out. At the very least, you can offer to give a little bit in order to buy yourself a little time. And then with that time, you can begin to do a little soul searching to see if you can come up with compromises that work for (and actually excite) both of you.

I’m not always concerned when people perceive that they are different and not compatible. These types of differences can actually work very well in marriages where the couple has learned to make the differences work for them rather than against them.  The key is learning to navigate conflict and make it bring you closer together rather than to pull you apart. Once I understand this, things changed dramatically for my own separation. You can read more about how I was able to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who want to pursue a separation – but only temporarily. These folks really don’t have any intention of ending their marriage or even of doing much soul searching during the separation. They merely want to scare their spouse and teach him or her a lesson.

So I might hear a comment like: “my husband has taken me for granted for the past five years. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he wasn’t interested in what I had to say. He told me that I was overreacting and that my expectations were unrealistic. So, I tried to tell myself that if I changed my expectations, then I would be happier. It didn’t work but I kept quiet about it. Until I saw a text that my husband had sent to his brother. His family wanted him to go to a reunion and my husband said that he wasn’t going to go because I was so high maintenance. I was so furious by this that I decided to leave the kids with my husband and spend a weekend to myself. I wanted my husband to see how much work I do and how the house could not run without me. Needless to say, as soon as I got home, my husband was as sweet as could be because he wanted for me to resume my duties. Actually, for about two months after this incident, my husband was more sweet and affectionate. He even helped out a lot because he saw how much work I actually do. But this only lasted for a short while. Now, he is back to his old ways, taking me for granted again and treating me as if I’m not important. So I decided that I need to teach him a longer lesson this time. I am going to tell him that I want a separation. I figure if he’s without me for much longer than a weekend, he might straighten up and see how valuable I really am. Will this work?”

It’s hard for me to predict if it will work. But, I have to tell you that it’s my opinion that there are flaws and risks in this plan. I will tell you why in the following article and offer what I think might be a better plan.

Why This Strategy Is Risky: This wife was assuming that the husband was going to act as expected. She assumed that he would act like he did after his weekend alone – only he would be more affectionate for a longer period of time. I suppose this is a reasonable assumption, but there are never any guarantees. In fact, the husband could be angry, annoyed, or frustrated. Instead of responding like the wife had hoped by moving closer to her, he might actually become distant because of the resentment he felt at being manipulated. Very few people (particularly men) like the feel that they are being manipulated like a child.

But even worse, not all separations end with the spouses moving back in together. Some separations end in divorce. Is this really a risk that you are willing to take? I understand that you need for your spouse to change his behavior, but what if there was a way to do this without the need for all this risk? Because if something went terribly wrong, you wouldn’t have an ungrateful spouse, you would instead have no spouse at all.

Getting Him To Show More Of The Behaviors That You Really Want: First of all, it really helps to accept that this is likely to be a gradual process. Marital behaviors and habits are like any other. In order to be broken, you have to repeat the desired behaviors for more than 30 days until they become a new habit. That means, a weekend isn’t going to do it. And it also means that your husband isn’t likely to repeat the desired behaviors for this long unless he is getting positive feedback out of it. So, you need to make the process one that isn’t too painful for either of you and one that he can easily obtain and then maintain.

That is why it helps to build up to this. Start small. Think of one easy thing that he could easily do to make you happy. Perhaps it’s noticing that you made his favorite dinner. If he doesn’t mention it, ask him if he noticed. When he acknowledges this, tell him how happy it makes you when he notices and then give him physical confirmation in the form of a hug or other positive reinforcement. I know that this might seem backward. After all, you wanted more from him and now you are giving him more. But stay with me for a second. By giving him positive reinforcement instead of complaining, do you know what’s going to happen? The next time, he may not need any prompting. He may give you the desired behavior on his own. And when this happens, then once again tell him how happy it makes you when he notices and shows you appreciation. Brag about this to others in front of him. Give him positive reinforcement. The idea is that you only need to do this enough times until this becomes a habit.

Is this easy? No, not always. But it still gives you the same result. And it is likely to be more lasting than manipulating him. (He’s already shown that he will go back to his same behaviors without positive reinforcement.) And if you separate, he may not give you the desired behaviors and he just shut down.

I know that you are frustrated.  But I can tell you from experience that a separation brings about a lot of risk.  My separation almost ended in divorce.  You are more than welcome to read more about how I was able to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who feel as if they are running out of time to save their marriage. And they typically feel this way because their spouse has made it clear that he is getting very impatient. Some spouses go so far as to threaten divorce or separation if something doesn’t change very soon. This can lead to a sense of panic which can sometimes make matters even worse.

An example of this scenario is the wife who says: “my husband has been saying that he is going to leave me for the last year. For the first couple of months, I thought that he was just blowing off steam. But, then one day I saw that he was looking at apartments in the newspaper when he didn’t know that I was watching him. So then I started to take him seriously. And I asked him to please reconsider leaving before he gives me a chance to improve things. I tried to appeal to his sense of commitment. I have given this man almost two decades of my life. He reluctantly agreed to this, but he stressed that he ‘will only give our marriage so much time.’ I asked him what this meant, and he said that I should do things quickly because he is really out of patience. The thing is, I’m not completely clear on why he is so unhappy. Sure, our marriage has become comfortable, but he acts like I am the most boring person in the world. I don’t think he’s too thrilled about getting older and he takes this out on me. At this point, I feel like I’m running against a timer that is getting ready to chime. I feel like I’m running out of time when it comes to my marriage. And I’m not sure that he will agree to give me more time if I fall short. What can I do?”

I know that this is tough. I felt the same way during my own separation. And even worse, my husband actually did leave. But I firmly believe (as demonstrated during that time) that panicking is about the worst thing that you can do. When you start reacting to fear, you tend to misread cues, take desperate measures, and come off as insincere. And none of these things help your cause. Instead, I would suggest seeing if you can get some clarity first.

Understanding The Nature Of The Change: When both of you are calm and your husband seems to be receptive, you might try something like: “I know that you said that you’re only going to give our marriage so much time. And I want you to know that I really am trying. But in order to be as effective as I can possibly be, I need more information from you. Can you tell me what bothers you the most? Can you tell me what would most help the situation? I don’t want to waste time, so it only makes sense to tackle the issues that are making you the most unhappy. Will you help me figure out what needs to happen first?”

Know That Addressing One Issue Will Help With The Others:  It’s important to listening carefully to any response that your husband might have.  Later, make a list of everything that he has said. Then, prioritize each thing. Don’t let this process overwhelm you. Don’t get discouraged. Because frankly, sometimes when you are able to make headway on the most problematic issue, that will make all of the other issues seem much less significant. Typically, the issues are all related in some way so that addressing the most problematic will go a long way toward lessening the others.

Take Inventory As Often As You Can. Use His Reactions As A Compass: As you feel that you have made real attempts at change and are noticing a reaction or progress, don’t be shy about bringing your husband’s attention to this. Ask him if he’s noticed your efforts and ask him they make a difference. If he answers no, ask him what would. I know that this is awkward and difficult to talk about it. But, the last thing you want to do is to attempt to find your way when you don’t have a compass, especially when you feel like your time is limited.

Ask for and accept all of the feedback that you can. But be careful that you don’t set it up where you are the one doing all of the giving and making all of the concessions. Your own happiness is every bit as important. And if during this process you see places where you’d like to see some changes, speak up when the situation makes it appropriate to do so. Having this type of giving and taking is the only way that either of you is going to know what works and what doesn’t.

And having open communication lessens that sense of panic that really does cause harm. I found that, almost without fail, when I was acting on emotion during my separation, I made things worse. But when I was calm and calculated, I actually made things better. If you’d like to read more about my reconciliation process (and how I finally got it to work) you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who being reassured by their spouse that their marital separation should only be “temporary.” However, the spouse who is resistant to this can have their doubts. Essentially, your spouse is asking you to take a huge leap of faith which can bring about all sorts of doubts. It’s not uncommon to wonder if your spouse is only saying this in order to get you to agree to the separation. You might find yourself wondering if he’s just trying to make things sound better than it really is as well.  And you may wonder if he’s ever truly going to come back.

An example of the type of comments that I hear in this situation are things like: “my husband has been telling me that he’s been unhappy since his birthday, about seven weeks ago. It took him about a month to get up his courage to tell me that he wanted a separation. He probably knew that I was going to resist it and I certainly did. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t think that it’s necessary. I think that we will have a better chance of working out our problems if he is here. When I share these concerns with my husband, he tells me that I am worrying too much because he intends for the separation “to only be temporary.” But I don’t completely buy this. I think that he is only trying to sell it this way so that I won’t be too scared to agree. Because what if it’s not temporary? What if he never comes back and this separation eventually leads to a divorce? What should I do? I’m afraid he’s going to go ahead and move out no matter what I do.”

I could certainly understand this wife’s concern. When my own husband moved out for a separation, I was almost certain that he would never come back. And, granted, it did take a while for him to come back. But he eventually did. What helped most was my creating the perception that I was on his side and that I respected myself enough to make my own life a priority. While I can’t decide your course of action for you, I can offer some tips that might help, which I’ll do below.

See If You Can Offer Alternatives Or Delays But Don’t Refuse To Cooperate: I know that it can be very tempting to out and out refuse to separate. You might think that if you tell him that you don’t agree, then he will call the whole thing off. In my own experience, this strategy rarely works and people who comment on my blog seem to agree. Although it may well work temporarily, in the end it often just makes the husband want to leave even more, which might make it harder to get him back.

I think that the better tactic is to offer some alternatives. Consider telling him that if he wants space then that is fine, but you are the one who is going to leave. Then stay with family or friends. Here is the advantage to this. When things calm down, then you can control when you come back home. But if you allow him to move out, then you lose that control. If what he really wants is space, then he may just take you up on this offer.

But if he doesn’t, I think that it’s best not to appear uncooperative – even though I know that this is a very challenging request. But if you argue with him about this or tell him that he’s being unreasonable and selfish, then he’s actually only more motivated to get away from you. However, if show him that you are trying to be supportive of him and you’re trying to help achieve happiness again, then really, his incentive to get away from you is lessened.

Don’t Immediately Assume That You Know What He Is Thinking: It’s very common for the reluctant spouse to approach this with a sense of dread. It’s easy to assume that he’s not being completely truthful when he says that this is probably only temporary. Frankly, neither of you know how things are going to unfold. If you approach this positively and remain upbeat, then your husband really shouldn’t have an incentive to distance himself from you. If you show him that you want to help him get what he wants, then there’s really no reason for him to want to prolong the separation. As soon as he is feeling content and hopeful again, there is no reason why he wouldn’t want to return home.

I know that this is incredibly scary time. I have been there. And I suspected that my separation would turn into a divorce. But thankfully, it didn’t. Plenty of people are able to reconcile during their separation. There’s no reason to believe (especially in these early stages) that you will not be one of them.

If you’d like to read more about my reconciliation process, You are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from separated folks who really do want to save their marriage but who are afraid to get their hopes up. They are often fully aware of the obstacles that they face. And, they find these obstacles to be somewhat overwhelming. Many people will look at their problems and compare them to other marriages. And they will sometimes feel that their’s falls way short. With their flawed logic, they will tell themselves that there are too many problems or too little cooperation in order to see real progress. After several minutes of this kind of discouraging self talk, they will come to the conclusion that because of these difficult circumstances, a reconciliation probably isn’t in their future, even though they very much want it to be.

I might hear someone explain it this way. “I know that my words may make it sound like I don’t want to save my marriage, but I truly do. My husband left me a few months ago. He told me at that time that if we were able to work on some of our issues during our separation, then perhaps we could eventually reconcile. So the other day, I was very lonely and I decided that I would list our problems so that I could check off what we have begun working on. When I made out the list, I was very depressed because it made me realize that we have countless issues. There are anger issues. There are trust issues. There are money issues and parenting issues. There are even personality issues. Frankly, we are very different people who just do not get along. Therefore we fight and then we can’t even stand to look at one another. All of this conflict means that there is very little intimacy between us. Thinking about it this way makes me think that a reconciliation is never going to happen for us. To put it plainly, there are just too many things for us to overcome. Am I just being too pessimistic? Or am I right?”

It’s hard for me to answer questions like this without knowing more about this couple. But you do get a general sense of pessimism and frustration from this description. I can identify with this on a deep level because I felt the same way when I was separated. My husband was very obviously avoiding me and even my friends who loved me deeply were gently telling me that it might be time to accept that it was over. So I do understand feeling as if the odds are just against your marriage. I completely get that. And yet, here I am married today. And I have had many people contact me on my blog and recount the same sort of painful separation that eventually turned around and ended with a reconciliation. Of course, this doesn’t always happen. But it’s not rare when it does.

One thing that all of these reconciliations have in common is that one of the spouses decided not to give up, or at least to just give it a little more time. I know that it can seem overwhelming to commit to the long haul when there has been nothing encouraging happening lately. Sometimes, it helps to just commit to a small amount of time. Tell yourself that you will just stay the course for two more weeks and then you will reevaluate at that time.

See If Your Problems Have A Unifying Theme: Often, your can lump your small issues into larger categories. I’m certainly not a therapist or marriage counselor, but looking at the list above, it appeared that this couple had issues with power and control. There wasn’t a clear division of responsibilities or decision making. And that was creating conflict, which the couple had difficulty navigating. And of course this kind of conflict is going to eat away at your intimacy level.

The point is, it may seem to you like there are a huge amount of problems. But really, many of the smaller problems would be solved or lessened if you worked on the larger problem of control and division of responsibilities and decisions. Once you both agreed on who would handle what and which things would be handled together, you are likely to see the money and the parenting issues begin to subside, which would help with the anger and the trust.

I don’t mean to over simplify the process because saving your marriage or at least putting your marriage on the path toward reconciliation is a lot of determined work. But, sometimes problems seem insurmountable when they truly are not, because they are all connected to one larger problem that can be worked through.

Resist Trying To Fix Everything At Once: A very common mistake that I see is couples thinking that they need to solve every problem immediately. Not only is this overwhelming, but when it doesn’t work, people assume that their marriage is one that just can’t be saved. Don’t set yourself up for failure. There may times where you have to break this down to its most basic level.

Depending on how bad things are, you may just have to focus on interacting in a more positive way. Then, when you have mastered that, you want to restore a sense of playfulness and an ease around each other. Once this happens, your problems are easier to work through because the anger has started to fade and people are no longer keeping score or holding back because of the resentment.

But sometimes, this process has to happen in steps as the relationship is able to withstand it. But to answer the original concern, I would suggest at least trying to this more gradual strategy before you just accept that you’ll never reconcile. I’ve seen very bad marriages between very angry spouses turn around. It happens plenty of the time.

And it happened with me.  If you would have told me during the worst part of my separation that I would be happily married today, I never would have believed you.  You are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who feel pretty vulnerable during their separation. And, although they intuitively know that they should give their spouse space and keep themselves busy, they are having a very hard time doing that. Often, they feel quite lonely and discouraged.  Then, they aren’t sure how to make these feelings pass or what to do with themselves in the mean time. They often are concerned that they will do or say something that they might later regret.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband said he needed space during this separation and I have really been trying my best to honor that. But I am really struggling right now. It is so hard for me not to pick up the phone or to go by. I am so lonely. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve been corresponding with guys I went to high school with just to get some attention and to feel better about myself. I know that I shouldn’t be doing this. I don’t know why I’m acting this way except for I can’t get any attention from my husband and I’m so lonely. But I can’t seem to keep myself busy in a meaningful way. I’ll try to read and I can’t concentrate on the words. I’ll try to watch TV and I don’t even take in what the show is about. How do I get myself through this? What are you supposed to do when you’re in the middle of a trial separation and you are lonely or bored?”

These are great questions and probably applicable during many separations. There was a time during my own separation where it felt absolutely impossible for me to back off. I wanted to call and text all of the time, even when it was obvious that this annoyed my husband. Sitting in the silence of my apartment was almost overwhelming to me. I’d pace. I’d tell myself that I’d call in five minutes to try to stall myself. I’d call my friends and try to get them to talk me down. So, I understand how difficult this is. In the following article, I’ll discuss some things that helped me.

Get Out Of The House By Any Means Necessary: This is vital. If you stay home, it is going to be so tempting to reach out even when you know that you need to give space. Because the memories and the reminders are every where. And, it is so quiet and lonely when you are there by yourself. That’s why it’s absolutely vital to get out of there once in a while. Go shopping. Go to the gym. Go see friends. Talk a walk. Whatever you need to do in order to not continue to stare at the same four walls is worth doing.  And, leave your phone if you’re only going to leave your home and call your husband while you’re out.

And, if you can’t get out at a particular time, then invite some friends to stay with you. If possible, ask a friend to spend a couple of nights with you so that you don’t have time to be lonely since you will have some ready companionship.

Give The Feelings And Frustration Somewhere To Go: I am a firm believer in journaling. And I like journaling on a park bench, library table, or mall food court even better than I like journaling at home. Because you are releasing your feelings and giving your concerns a voice, but you aren’t saying anything to anyone but yourself. This helps to ensure that the frustrations have a release. And, sometimes, when you write things down, it makes them more clear. You might notice some patterns or some errors in your thinking. If journaling doesn’t appeal or work for you, then consider talking it out with a trusted friend. Often, we feel very lonely when we don’t think that we are heard and we don’t think that we matter. But if we reach out to friends and family, then we realize that none of this is true, which can help with the loneliness.

Offer A Helping Hand To Someone Else: This follows the theme of getting out the house. Volunteer. Find an organization that you could use your skills and go and help someone else. I know that this may not sound appealing when you yourself are hurting. But, I promise if you try it just once, you will be glad that you did and you will be likely to do it again. Not only does it keep you busy, but it uplifts you and shows you that you are needed. I particularly enjoyed working with animals. But everyone has something that calls to them.

Know That Going Outside Of Yourself May Help Your Marital Situation: I know that some of the above suggestions may seem like you are just trying to kill time in constructive ways. But honestly, it’s not at all uncommon for your spouse to notice how busy you are keeping yourself and to respond positively to this. Because keeping busy in positive ways shows him that you respect and care for yourself and this encourages him to do the same.

I know that this is challenging. But pretend for a second that your best friend was going through this. What would you advice her to do? You’d want to take care of her and make things better, right? Well, sometimes you have to do this for yourself. Sometimes, you have to sit down and ask yourself what would move you forward right now, What would lift you up? Yes, making a move can be uncomfortable, but it does get easier with time and once you start to receive some positive reinforcement.

As I alluded to, some days I had to force myself to get out of the house.  But, it always helped.  And it also helped when I surrounded myself with people and things that I loved. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are worried that their trial or marital separation is going to mean the end of their marriage. They sometimes ask their spouse for reassurance about this and they are told to hang in there and have faith. This can be difficult though, especially when you’re not sure if you believe your spouse because you are unsure as what his motivations and feelings might be.

I might get a comment like: “my husband left me about three weeks ago. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say that he left me because this implies that I didn’t know that he was going to leave. In fact, I did know that he was going to go. He has been telling me for months that he wants a separation. So, I knew that as some point he would find a temporary place to live and he would move out. But my only hope was that he would miss me while he was gone and that he would return home relatively quickly. That hasn’t seemed to happen. If we are going to talk, then I am going to have to be the one to call him. He never initiates anything with me. To be honest, I kind of feel that he has abandoned me. The other day, I got very frustrated with this and I asked my husband if there was still hope for us. I fully expected for him to tell me that there wasn’t. But, instead he said that he hasn’t given up on us yet. I realize that I should be relieved and happy about this. But I’m not. Because I am not sure that I believe my husband. If he had hope for us, wouldn’t he be calling me? If he hadn’t given up on us yet, then wouldn’t he be making more of an effort than he is? One of my friends said that I should just take him at his word. But I’m having an incredibly hard time doing this. Could he be telling the truth?”

Remember That you Are Separated And Not Divorced: I think that it’s certainly possible that he is telling the truth. The fact is, this separation was only weeks old. Sometimes, that is not long enough for the person who initiated the separation to determine how they are feeling or what they want.

In fact, you have to be logical here. If your husband thought there was no hope for your marriage or if he’d given up on the two of you, wouldn’t he have initiated a divorce instead of a separation? The fact that he stopped short of  asking for a divorce might actually be quite telling. My theory has always been that you don’t necessarily need to give up on your marriage while you are still married, even if that means that you are separated. Plenty of people (myself included) reconcile after a separation. It is not at all uncommon. And this is even true when things looked dire or when one spouse truly had given up.

A Reconciliation Doesn’t Usually Happen Without Considerable Effort: With all of the above said, a reconciliation doesn’t always just magically happen with out a huge amount of effort and patience. You will often have to work on your relationship and on your issues during the separation. At the very least, you will need for the awkwardness and the unhappiness to fade so that your spouse can one day believe that he would be happy within the marriage again.

But, if you just give up now (even after your husband has told you that he has hope and has not given up) what do you think are the chances of a reconciliation spontaneously happening? Probably not at optimal levels. Instead, I would suggest hanging in there and doing everything in your power not to get discouraged. Why? Because it is just human nature to react positively to positive behavior and negatively to negative behavior.

I understand being frightened right now. And, I even understand why you don’t believe what your husband is telling you. When you are the only one making contact, it can feel like a very big rejection. It can create doubt. But, when you repeatedly voice those doubts, you are almost convincing your husband that they are true. And, this makes him more likely to react to the doubts.

Instead, you want to create a situation where you are showing him that both of your doubts may be unfounded. You want to show him that, even under this difficult time, you can not only get along well with one another, but can reconnect as well. And when this happens, you want to build on the positive things that you are seeing. You want to do this very gradually so that you don’t come off as pushy. But, if you are able to build on the small victories, you will often find that these lead you to reconciliation. And you will be relieved to know that he was sincere when he said that he hadn’t lost hope or had given up. As the friend above suggested, I wouldn’t declare that I didn’t believe my husband unless he gave me a reason not to.

There were times when I got very discouraged during my own separation.  It went on for so long and there was very little encouragement along the way.  I finally realized that I could provide encouragement to myself and this kept me going.  I was able to stick with it and eventually, we reconciled. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who are discouraged when they hear advice or read articles about rebuilding their marriage during a trial or marital separation. And, the reason for this is that they often feel that there is no marriage to rebuild. They look over their marriage and they honestly feel as if nothing is left.

To demonstrate, I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I have been separated for about four weeks. Nothing has changed. I had hoped that we would miss one another so that the separation would naturally end. That hasn’t happened. If anything, my husband seems more annoyed with me than ever. I’ve tried researching and reading about separations and every one advises that you need to try to rebuild your marriage during the separation. But quite frankly, there is no marriage to rebuild. We haven’t had a real marriage in several years and maybe longer. I can’t tell you when was the last time we had sex. I can’t tell you when was the last time we laughed. I don’t remember feeling close to or bonded with him at any time in my recent memory. Things have been bad in our marriage for so long, I wonder if we ever had a marriage at all. How in the world can you be expected to rebuild your marriage when there isn’t a marriage to rebuild?” I will try my best to offer some tips for doing this in the following article.

Never Underestimate The Power Of A Shared History Coupled With Determination: Believe it or not, this situation isn’t at all uncommon. Many people comment on my blog and express that they are extremely worried that their marriage is too far gone to save. They tell me that they haven’t felt connected in years and that they are more like acquaintances than spouses. They tell me that they feel that no matter what they try, their spouse is going to reject them or it really isn’t going to matter anyway. They tell me that there is no loving feelings left.

And yet, over and over again, these marriages sometimes end up saved. The ones that have been left for dead are somehow revived or rediscovered. You may well feel as if you don’t have anything left. But you do. You have a shared history together and that matters. And you have drive and determination to stay the course. That matters also. Now, you just need a workable plan in order to get started.

Step Back. Don’t Focus On Rebuilding A Marriage In The Beginning. Focus On Rebuilding A Relationship: Often, when we focus on rebuilding a marriage that we’ve left for dead, we can get easily discouraged if we don’t get quick results. We start to worry that it is just too late for us. This puts so much pressure on the situation that we become at risk of giving up.

That’s why I often suggest taking a step back and telling yourself (and your spouse) that you’re going to move very slowly. In other words, you aren’t going to expect to craft a new marriage in the beginning. You’re merely going to try to improve the relationship between you a little at a time so that, no matter what happens with your marriage, at least the relationship will be in tact and improved. This takes a lot of the pressure off of the situation and it makes this process easier.

Think of it this way. You’re just trying to rediscover the people involved so that you can rediscover the core of your relationship. This probably means that you are going to talk more. You might try to take walks together with no set goal in mind. You’re merely trying to recreate that easy togetherness that you used to have. You don’t need to push it or try to rush things or convince yourself that you need to have amazing sex immediately or your marriage is over. That’s just too unrealistic and it discourages you.

Instead, just try to get the recognition, the easy connection, and the respect back. Take it one step at a time. And, understand that this might take awhile. But, it is well worth the effort and here is why. When you are successful at restoring the comfort level between you, then when you do attempt to rebuild your marriage or even place the focus on your marriage, the process is going to be so much easier. And the awkwardness is going to be so much less. And this will make both of you much less likely to get discouraged. And it will be much easier to stay the course.

To address the original question posed, I believe that you can rebuild your marriage even when you believe that there is nothing to rebuild. And one way to do this, is to step way back and take the slightest, smallest baby steps. Focus on the relationship rather than the marriage. And don’t pressure yourself unnecessarily. Believe in yourself and in your history together. And then try to keep the process light and playful. This really is an opportunity to redefine your marriage and to rediscover one another. When this is done correctly, it’s actually a lot of fun once you hit your stride.

I had to use a very gradual process in order to save my marriage.  Sometimes, the stress was frustratingly slow.  But every time I tried to rush it, I ended up having to start over because my husband pulled away.  If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who aren’t sure how to draw their husband closer during their trial separation. There are times when things seem to be going well. And, there are times when she isn’t sure what her husband is feeling. That is why she sometimes hesitates when it comes to asking him to go out with her in a romantic way, even if he is still her husband. After all, every one knows that things can be very touch and go when you are separated. And, no one wants to make things worse or to feel rejected.

To that end, I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. He is the one who moved out because he is the one who wasn’t happy. I have always been happy with my husband and with my marriage. I love him. I never stopped. Sometimes, I think that he doesn’t love me anymore. But then just when I am about to think about giving up, he will do something that is incredibly sweet or he will call me or come by without being asked. And, when this happens, I think that maybe there is a chance for us. But I get so tired of being patient. I even thought about asking my husband out on a date to speed things along. I haven’t done this because I am afraid that he will say no and I’m afraid that he would then begin to pull away from me once again. Should I ask him on a date? Or is it better to wait?”

Why Lessening The Risk Is Always A Good Call: I can tell you my opinion on this based on my own experience and based on things that I hear on my blog. I believe that it is always optimal to wait for your spouse to make that sort of move. I realize that this isn’t always going to be possible. But it is definitely optimal because it lessens the risk. If you ask your husband out before he is ready or willing to go, not only might he not say yes, but he may pull back because he doesn’t want to have an awkward encounter like this again and he doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea until he is sure where things are going from here.

Don’t Stop Moving Forward: With that said, I think it’s vital to continue on with any improvements that you are seeing. Waiting to get more information from him doesn’t mean that you need to give up on this idea completely. Instead, you can keep making progress and you can continue to build on the progress that you have already seen. Nothing says that you can’t continue to call and see one another. And, if things are going well, you can always spontaneously ask to extend the contact without making it sound like a request for a date that might be taken the wrong way or be rejected.

For example, if you and your husband are out and about and things are going well between you, there’s nothing at all with spontaneously asking him if he wants to grab a cup of coffee. This isn’t really a date. And this allows for you to keep things lighthearted whether he says yes or no. That’s why just trying to extend what you are already doing is such a safe strategy. You can build as your spouse allows you, but if your spouse says no, the risk is much less that he will retreat.

Don’t Make Things Too Heavy: It’s so important to always make things seem light and spontaneous. Try not to take it personally if he can’t grab that cup of coffee. But if he can and does, then keep things fun. Make these outings more routine as the situation allows. That way, the next obvious step would be to meet one another in a date like setting. Now, you don’t necessarily want to call this a date. Because by doing so, you put too much pressure on the situation. The last thing that you want is to create awkwardness between the two of you. And that is my main concern with calling anything a date when you aren’t absolutely sure how it is going to be received. That’s why it’s so optimal to allow him to be the one to call it a date. That way, you don’t have to worry about rejection or about him taking things in the wrong way.

But to answer the original question, in my own experience, there can be a risk of asking him out on a date if you have any doubts about how he is going to respond. Sometimes, it’s relatively obvious that the two of you are still see each other romantically and it doesn’t matter if you call your outings a date or not. But other times, (as in this situation) your future is still very much up in the air. And the balance between you can feel very delicate. If this is the case, it’s my experience that you’re better off building on what you are already doing, keeping things lighthearted and not really labeling your outings unless your husband is the one who does this.

When my husband and I were separated, it was mistake for me to pressure him to go out with me, especially in the beginning.  So I learned to be careful about this and I learned to make it feel like he was taking the lead, even if, in a way, I was pulling the strings. If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who have arranged to begin a trial separation because something in their marriage is less than satisfactory. They often feel badly or guilty about this, but they are hoping that having some time apart will give them much needed perspective. They often wonder just how much of their unhappiness they should share with their spouse. The hope is that they can work through their problems while separated. And, in order for this to happen, their spouse might need some more information. But there is often some hesitation because they fear that it will just look like they are complaining or being critical.

A comment that demonstrates this is something like: “I am the one who wants the separation. I’m very unfulfilled and feel stuck within my marriage. My husband is a good man. I still love him. But honestly, he bores me. All he wants to do is put in his forty hours per week and then sit at home on weekends and ‘relax’ in front of the television.  He’s no longer that attentive to me. He’s no longer particularly ambitious at his job. Frankly, he now reminds me of his father, who I never really liked. I didn’t see this coming, but I also can’t deny it. I want him to make some major changes. I need for him to want to share life’s adventures with me. Now that we have some stability financially, I want to travel and experience new things. But my husband is content to just stay home and tread water, which is never going to make me happy. I’ve made a list of all of the things that my husband needs to do in order to make me happy again. I have considered giving the list to my husband, but I am afraid he will take it in the wrong way. I’m afraid he will become defensive and hurt and therefore will not do anything on the list. Should I give him the list? Or is that just too much for a man who is so worried that he is losing his wife?”

Attempting To See This From Your Spouse’s Point Of View: I can answer this in a couple of ways. I can tell you my opinion. And I can tell you how I would have felt if my unhappy husband had given me this type of list. In my own situation, it was my husband who was unhappy in our marriage and who initiated the separation. I would have wanted to know what he was basing his unhappiness on. When your spouse approaches you about separating, your first question is almost always ‘why.’ The list will answer many of those questions and this is a good thing.

At the same time though, when your spouse wants to separate from you, it can be an extremely scary and hurtful time. You often wonder if you’re going to love your spouse and whether they love you anymore. When you are presented with a list that outlines all of your shortcomings and insinuates that you need to make these changes or else, it could cause panic and actually do more harm than good. It can make your spouse feel as if they can never win no matter what because you are so unhappy.

Finding A Compromise That Gets Attention But Doesn’t Cause Pain: That said, I think that having the information in the list is important. But, I believe that there’s a way to convey this information without hurting your spouse. Instead of just coldly handing over a list, have a calm and loving conversation instead. Before you leave, ask your spouse if the two of your can meet for dinner. Depending on how you think your spouse might receive this message, you might chose to have it at a restaurant (to encourage you both to stay calm) or if you’re not worried about things getting out of hand, then you can have this conversation in the privacy of your own home.

You might try something like: “I know that this separation is upsetting to you. That is the last thing that I want. You may not realize this, but I want the same thing that you do. Ultimately, I want to save our marriage. But in order for that to happen, we both need to see some positive changes that we can count on. We need this so that when we do come back together, our marriage is actually going to last. Can we talk about some of those things now?”

Hopefully, at this point, your spouse will be receptive to hearing what you are going to say. Once they agree to listen, then gently lay out what you need to say. But be careful that you aren’t saying so much that it becomes overwhelming. See if you can group similar issues together so that you aren’t talking endlessly about where you are unhappy. You want to give your spouse specifics so that you will see results, but you certainly don’t want to overwhelm or discourage them. And you don’t want for them to feel that there is no hope. The idea is to give them specific information so that they actually feel motivated and hopeful.

But to answer the original question, I would hesitate to give your spouse a laundry list of their faults. But, I think it’s important that they have the information that might help them save their marriage. And luckily, I think that there is a compassionate way to share this information so that it actually gives your spouse hope rather than taking it away.

As I alluded to, I do wish that my husband would have been more specific about why he wanted a separation.  Because he didn’t, I was left to guess.  And that was painful also.  We did eventually save our marriage but it was probably more difficult because I didn’t have all of the information.  If it helps, you are more than welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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