Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are well aware that they are struggling to maintain feelings of intimacy in their marriage. Sometimes, this realization is obvious and they don’t need for their spouse to point this out to them. Other times, the wife has believed that everything is fine until her husband announces that he no longer feels the closeness.

An example of what a wife might say to explain this is something like: “my husband has been really distracted lately. He is juggling a lot of projects and a lot of drama with his brother, who is in rehab. So when I noticed him being very short tempered, I really didn’t think much of it. But we were out to dinner the other night and my husband snapped at the waitress which is so unlike him. Once he composed himself, I asked him what was wrong. He went on about a twenty minute tirade about what was going wrong with his life. Other than complaining about all of his obligations and the fact that he feels chained to his job because of the debt we are in, the disclosed that he doesn’t feel close to me anymore. He says he feels like my room mate or my brother because he really cares about what happens to me and for the most part we get a long, but he doesn’t feel close to me like a lover or a husband. This caught me a little by surprise. I admit that we haven’t had much time for our marriage lately. But, none of this is my fault. I can’t help it that all this stress has popped up in his life. I have tried to be there for him, but sometimes, he pushes me away. So whose fault is it that he doesn’t feel as close to me? In my view, this is his fault, not mine.”

I know that this hurts. And I know that it is very hard to keep perspective in times like these, because sometimes, all you can hear or see is a rejection and blame. And, quite understandably, you can focus on how unfair this how and how much this is his fault and not yours. You might, as I did, take it a step further and not only feel like this is mostly his fault, but also feel that fixing it is his responsibility. I don’t want to make judgements here. But I can tell you from my own experience that this is potentially risky. I feel like I have to point out that when you take this stance and if you leave this up to him, he may not take any action, especially since his plate is already more than full. I understand how you feel. I have been there. But I can tell you that if you let this deteriorate, you might dislike the deteriorated situation even more than you dislike your current one.

In my own situation, waiting for my husband to be the one to address the issues seriously backfired and lead to a full fledged separation. If I could have changed things and rewound our marriage to that time when I saw his unhappiness, but didn’t actively address it, I certainly would have. So, I’d suggest actively trying to restore the closeness, as soon as possible. I’ll address that now. It might not seem just and fair.  But it will be worth it.  And it will likely make you both happier.

Understanding Why Closeness Is Important: Almost every one understands intellectually how important closeness and intimacy are in a marriage. We all know this. And yet, when it happens to us, we tell ourselves that we are too rushed, too hurried, or that there will be plenty of time later when the kids get out of the house. Or, we may tell ourselves that you can’t expect for things to be the same, or as fresh, with a long term marriage. And all of these beliefs are valid and understandable. But, you have to look at the consequences of thinking this way.  There is a risk that if you do nothing, not only will you have a husband who is struggling with all of the stressors of his life (many of which aren’t his fault,) but as a result you’ll also be struggling with an estranged marriage. And, you have the potential to lose the person who might be your biggest support system.

I don’t mean to paint a bleak picture. But I am saying it out of concern. So if you need encouragement to put everything else aside and to place your focus on restoring the closeness, then I’m giving it to you right now. It’s vitally important. I can’t stress that enough.

What Does Restoring The Closeness Look Like?: Often when we talk about “restoring the closeness,” it’s only words that we’ve all heard before. It’s hard for us to get a mental picture of what it actually looks like because so few people actually talk about it in real terms. I actually find that most people think of this in negative terms because they think of having difficult talks about what they’ve lost or strained conversations that are painful. This is unfortunate because this can actually be a pleasurable process.  Here’s what it can look like.  It looks like clearing your schedule just a little bit so that you can take a long walk with your spouse. It means taking the time listen and expecting to be listened to in return. It means slowing down to really relearn what you truly love about this person. It means rewinding so that you can remember how much fun it is to do little things to show your spouse how much you care. It doesn’t need to be expensive. It doesn’t have to be hard. It is the little efforts that really can add up.

Unfortunately for me, I learned the importance of restoring the closeness the hard way.  And it almost costs me my marriage.  If it helps, you can read about how I turned things around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who notice a distinct difference from the way that their husband used to approach them and their marriage in the past with the way that he approaches those things now and in the present. They sometimes feel as if they used to have an enthusiastic husband who enjoyed being married to them. But today, they worry that he is now a distant, cold, husband who is only going through the motions and who, deep down, no longer wants to be married. And of course, this can make you wonder what your life, and your marriage, is going to look like five years from now if this is actually the case.

As an example, I have gotten comments on my blog like: “when my husband and I first got married, it was like living in paradise. We didn’t have a lot of money. But we loved being together. We didn’t need to do anything exciting to be happy. Just going to the grocery store together was enough for us. My husband used to leave me little notes all around the house. He used to wash and then braid my hair for me. He would remember my favorite things and then find an occasion to buy them for me. Even though these are very happy memories for me, when I look back now, it just makes me sad. Because that reality is so different than the reality we have today. Last weekend, we were at a party with our neighbors. My husband talked to every one but me. I met a couple who had just moved in down the street and the wife actually asked me how long my husband and I had been separated. She assumed that we were separated because we rarely talked or interacted and I guess our body language was formal and cold around one another. Since that party, I have started to watch closely. And I can see why this woman thought that about us. My husband acts like I annoy him. He will take every opportunity to go out with his friends rather than to go home to me. I even heard him make a joke about marriage to one of his friends. This is a far cry from the man who used to tell me how happy I made him on a daily basis and who used to tell me that he was the luckiest man in the world. He certainly doesn’t seem to think he’s lucky now. I’m afraid that he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. If so, where does that leave me?”

I know that this hurts. I have been in this place. But, I believe that it can be a mistake to assume that there is a major problem until you have more information. I concede that many signs seem to be there that might indicate that the husband wasn’t completely happy. But, his marriage does not necessarily need to be the complete source of his unhappiness. He could be stressed from work. He could be unhappy with his lifestyle. Or, he could be going through depression caused from something else. None of these things necessarily mean that he doesn’t love his wife or that he doesn’t want to be married. However, because his wife and his marriage are very close to him, then obviously this unhappiness is going to affect his marriage and be visible in it. So, I think that it makes sense to try a few different things or to obtain more information before you assume that he’s plotting his escape because he doesn’t want to be married to you.

Look Closely To See If You Can Pinpoint Alternative Culprits: My first suggestion is very basic, but you’d be surprised how many of us don’t attempt it. It’s so common for us to automatically assume that the problem is with us. If you don’t feel ready to ask your husband what is wrong, take the time to do a little detective work. Watch him closely. Ask him about work, or his extended family, or anything else that could be the cause of his unusual behavior. Sometimes, it’s actually a relief to him to get it out and you might notice a drastic improvement from this one simple step.

Try To Bring A Sense Of Play Back Into Your Marriage: Our society today is very hard on marriage. There are more demands of our time and it’s not really socially embraced to want to spend most of that precious time with your spouse. It seems that there is always some pressure that is trying to pull a couple apart. And there are so many stressors that can chip away at your marriage over time. It’s very common for couples who have been together for a long time to notice that their marriage doesn’t even resemble what it used to be. Still, those couples are committed to and love one another. And, one thing that can help with all of the outside stressors and with the passage of time is to bring back a sense of play into your marriage. Perhaps going to the grocery store isn’t as exciting today. It was exciting then because it was new. But, nothing says that you can’t explore new experiences together. People so often get into slumps and when they do they begin to think that nothing in their life is going the way that it should. When this happens, it’s easy for them to project this onto your marriage. But playing together disrupts this process.

If You Feel It Would Help, Talk About It: Not every husband is going to be receptive to having a blunt conversation about this, but some are. If you think that it might help, you could try something like: “honey, I can’t help but notice that you’ve seemed to be a bit upset and maybe a little distracted lately. I could be wrong and if I am, then tell me, but it seems as if you are frustrated more lately. Is there anything going on that I can help with?”

He may or may not open up. If he’s not ready, or if he denies that anything is wrong, just wait and continue to be supportive and continue trying to bring back that sense of play. Sometimes, he just needs a little time to process this before opening up. But bringing your attention to this is important.  I didn’t pay attention to my own husband’s unhappiness and it lead to a separation, that was eventually resolved. If it helps, feel free to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who realize, with a sinking heart, that they no longer deeply care about their spouse or what their spouse is feeling. Sometimes, this comes after a long period of personal or marital struggles and sometimes it seems to happen all of a sudden. But however it happens, it can bring out a good deal of worry about what this means for you and for the future of your marriage.

To that end, I might get a comment on my blog like: “my husband has been through a lot in the last five years. One of his siblings passed away, he developed some health issues, and his career hasn’t worked out how he had hoped. Ever since all of this has started happening, I have been nothing but supportive to be quite honest. I have tried to do everything in my power to be understanding and upbeat. I have listened while he talked. I have offered to work out with him to overcome his health issues. I have tried to get him to go to counseling. Most of the time, he resists me. And there are times when it seems that he is almost happier just being miserable. This brings me down. He always seems to have some crisis that I am supposed to deal with. And I have done that. But lately, when he comes to me with his various problems, I am finding that I just do not care. Honestly, last night I was looking at him, and I didn’t feel anything. Not pity. Not concern. Not even love or affection. What in the world does this mean? Does it mean that I don’t love my husband anymore? Does it mean that my marriage is over?”

This is only my opinion (which most certainly does not matter as much as your opinion,) but I don’t think that it has to mean either of those things. I do think that it can possibly mean that you are tired of always having to be the one giving the support and therefore you are sort of emotionally shutting down. When you feel as if you are always having to be the caretaker and the supporter, it can frankly be emotionally exhausting. And it can feel as if there is no one to support and listen to you. It can make you feel as if you aren’t getting much in return and this can be quite hard to deal with when you don’t see any end in sight. Of course, none of this means that there is no hope for your marriage. It could mean that you need to rearrange things a little so that it feels more fair and is easier to navigate.

Because I suspect that once the pressure is off and you no longer feel that your spouse is getting all of his emotional support and sense of well being from you, then you will be more free to feel and express concern and love. In other words, it will be easier to care because you too feel cared for. So now I will offer some tips on how to set it up so that you can get to this place.

Don’t Be Shy About Giving Yourself The Same Concern And Support That You Give Your Spouse: Women are natural caregivers. We are hard wired to want to make sure that everyone else is OK before we turn our attention to ourselves. But this can be backward. You can’t give what you do not have. So, if you are not properly supported and cared for, then you can’t be successful in offering the same to someone else. You have to give yourself permission to take very good care of yourself. No one else is going to do it for you. Schedule time for yourself so that you can do those things that are going to help you release stress and feel supported. This is hard for so many of us, but it returns huge dividends. When we take time for ourselves, we are better spouses and parents.

Encourage Your Spouse To Rely On Someone Other Than You, At Least Sometimes: It was obvious that this wife was doing the best that she could. But, her husband was dealing with some issues that were outside of her field of expertise. She was trying her best, but she wasn’t a doctor or a mental health professional and trying to address these issues when she wasn’t really qualified made her feel discouraged and ineffective. It’s always best to try to get your spouse help from someone who is appropriate to give it. This takes a lot of pressure off of you, but it also ensures that your spouse gets what he needs.

Teach Him How To Return What You Are Giving Him: Another thing which I felt would help this situation is teaching the husband how to better support his wife. Frankly, when you feel as if your support isn’t being reciprocated, you are less likely to be able to freely give your own support without at least a little resistance. That’s absolutely normal and understandable. But, if you can teach him to give you what you are giving him, then you will be more likely to be able to support him without reservation.

You may have to ask him for this. You might have to approach him and ask if he has a minute to just listen and support you. When he does do this, praise him and tell him how much it means to you to know that he has your back. Men don’t just naturally support us in this way because it’s often in their nature not to be caregivers whereas it’s in women’s nature not to ask for the support that we definitely need.

But to answer the original question, in this case the wife’s lack of concern for her husband could have meant that she was tired of giving him so much support without any reciprocation. It doesn’t always mean that you don’t love your spouse or that your marriage is over. Much of the time, it means that something is out of balance or needs some attention in your relationship. And often, if you can address these issues, the caring and concern comes back.

I think it’s good that you are noticing these issues as they crop up.  I ignored a lot of my martial issues until I could no longer do so and this was a huge mistake because once I paid attention, it was almost too late.  I was able to save my marriage, but it would have been an easier process if I have started earlier.  If it helps,  feel free to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are becoming frustrated (and tempted) during a trial or marital separation. Often, the more time that has passed since the beginning of the separation, the more the spouse becomes frustrated at remaining in limbo. Many are asked out by other people and aren’t sure how to respond to this. Some find themselves attracted to others and feel guilty about this because they know that they are still married.

I might hear a comment like: “I have been separated from my husband for about eight months. Sometimes, things between us seem to be improving. But then they will turn sour again so that I feel like the chance of a reconciliation changes depending on what day it is. For the first six months of my separation, I was thinking in terms of just trying my best to save my marriage and reconcile. But as more time passed and my husband never even brought up getting back together, I began to feel discouraged and I began to think of the future without him, at least sometimes. Over the last six weeks, I have become close with a male coworker who has just transferred to my department. My life has really changed since I met this other guy. I am no longer depressed. I no longer hate coming home at night. And, I laugh a lot more than I used to. Last Friday, the other man asked me out. He knows that I am separated, but he also knows that it has been a long time without any positive signals or signs. I have to be honest. I want to go out with this other man. How long are you supposed to be faithful when you have been separated for so long?”

Before I give you my opinion, I have to admit that what I am about to say may not be exactly what you want to hear. I suspect you know this and that I am only voicing what your heart is already telling you. I see things from the perspective of the spouse who didn’t want the separation, but who fought for her marriage the entire time. If my husband had met someone else and had began to date again during our separation, it would have been very difficult for me. But, more than this, it’s my opinion that you should not date other people while you are still married. And if you are in a situation where you think that there is nothing left of your marriage and you are honestly ready to start dating again, then ending your marriage would free you up to date others.

Make Sure You’re Clear About Your Motivations: Sometimes, people are acting out of frustration and loneliness rather than to a true connection to the other person. The fact that you come home to an empty house every night and the fact that your weekends are spent alone can often make the other person seem more attractive and more desirable than they otherwise would have been. In other words, because it’s been so long since you’ve been in a fulfilling relationship, you’re very vulnerable to feeling this way about someone else.

Clearing The Air: That said, getting no real resolution isn’t completely fair to you. It’s perfectly reasonable to have a discussion about this. But, I would caution you to use care here. You don’t want to apply pressure and you don’t want to tell your spouse that you are tired of waiting, especially if you still want to save your marriage on some level. But there is nothing wrong with asking your spouse where he is in the process.

You might try something like: “do you have a minute to discuss our status? I know that we don’t have any resolution to our separation. And I’m not trying to pressure you. That’s not my intention. But I am wondering if you can share with me what you might be thinking or feeling in terms of our future. Do you still potentially see a future with me if we can work through our issues?”

If his response indicates that he might be willing to still save your marriage, then that is your cue to very gently try to nudge him toward taking real action or moving to the next step. For example, if he indicates that he still sees a future with you, then you might respond with asking him what is standing in your way. When he identifies the obstacles, then your next question would be how you the two of you can over come this. Perhaps the next step is counseling. Or, if that’s not feasible, then perhaps the next thing is getting together regularly to talk it out. Whatever it is, if you can set it up where you feel as if you’re at least making some progress, then you will be much less likely to want to be unfaithful.

But to answer the question posed, it’s my opinion that there are no definitive rules about this. But I think that it is mostly assumed that it’s optimal for people to remain faithful during a separation, because you are still married, after all. If you’d like some encouragement about saving your marriage when things look bleak, feel free to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who have recently been stung by something horribly hurtful that their husband has said. Sometimes, this happens during an argument or in the heat of the moment. Other times, their husband appears to be only attempting to be honest and not intending to hurt his wife. Still, whatever the case for the comments, they sting. And they can make the wife wonder about the future of her marriage.  If he has these hateful feelings toward her, how does he want to spend his life with her?

An example of the type of comment that you might hear is something like: “my husband and I have been fighting nonstop because of financial issues. Immediately after my husband lost his job, we held it together pretty well. But as time went on and we became increasingly unable to pay our bills, things have gotten more and more heated between us. It seems that all we do is fight anymore. The other night, we were fighting and I got fed up. I told my husband that we needed to band together and remember what drew us together. I told him that we had a lot going for us. I said that he was a quality person and an all-around nice guy and that his being unemployed didn’t define who he was. I then said there must be something that he could remember that first drew him to me. And, do you know what his response was? He said ‘I can’t think of anything that I like about you. Not a single thing.’ At first, I thought that I wasn’t hearing him right or that he misspoke. So he clarified and said that although he’s sure that I have redeeming qualities, they don’t register for him anymore because all he notices is my nagging, and my criticism, and my nasty comments. This hurts a lot. I will admit that I have said things to him recently that I wish that I could take back. But, no matter how mad I get at him, I always know in my heart that he is a good man. I never think that he isn’t a good person. But he is now giving me the impression that this is how he feels about me. I almost suspect he hates me.  Where does this leave our marriage? How much longer can I expect for him to stay with someone who he doesn’t even like?”

Although Hateful Phrases Are Often Said In Anger, It’s Important To Pay Attention: I know that this comment must have hurt. And I would never tell you not to pay attention to something that your spouse says in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, even hurtful words have a kernel of truth in them. Still, when your spouse is mad at you, he is going to word his phrasing as forcefully as he possibly can. He likely knows exactly what is going to hurt you the most and he might be going for a high impact remark. This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a legitimate issue that is bothering him. And this does warrant your attention. I sort of ignored my husband when he made these types of hurtful comments and told myself he was only blowing off steam. This turned out to be very costly because things escalated to the point where we separated.

So obviously, I should have paid attention. With that said, I doubt very much that there is absolutely nothing that your husband likes about you. That sort of phrase goes against all logic. Would he really marry a woman who had no remarkable or worthy qualities? I very much doubt that. Who would sentence themselves to a life of unhappiness with someone who isn’t a worthwhile person? Who would marry someone they detest?

His Words Are Likely Inspired By His Frustrations: I think it’s a safer bet that this husband was trying to communicate that it bothered and hurt him when his wife made comments that made him feel guilty or worse about his job loss. In his own mistaken way, he was likely trying to get her attention and give her a misguided plea to stop making him feel worse than he already did. (Note: Sometimes depressed husbands PERCEIVE their wives to be critical when they’ve been anything but. To be fair, the wife likely didn’t even know that her comments were that damaging to her husband. This might have been the first time that he mentioned it and he may have been letting it build and build until it blew up.  And she had already said that she regretted her previous comments. But now the damage was done.)

Find The True Message Beneath The Words: So how do you handle this? You look at the general message underneath the words. And the general message is that this is a husband who is struggling to feel good about himself and about his situation. For whatever reason (and whether it is fair, accurate, or valid) he feels that his wife was being a little more critical than supportive. So you might ask yourself if there is any validity in the underlying message. Because there is certainly not any validity in the assertion that he doesn’t like anything about you. He likely doesn’t like much about his current situation. And he likely doesn’t like what this job loss has done to your marriage. But I find it unlikely that he doesn’t like you. He might just wish that it was easier for him to remember those wonderful qualities in either of you when things were better.

Conversation Suggestions: If you want to talk to him about this, you might say something like: “I really would like to think that you don’t mean that. I know that you are upset and that we are both struggling. I will make a real effort to watch what I am saying and to make sure that I place my focus on positive support. Maybe then it will be easier for you to remember what you like about me. I’d like to think that when this happens, you will remember that I am your biggest fan and your most vigilant supporter. Yes, we have been worried about our financial situation, and this has stressed us both. But somewhere behind all of this, those two people who used to work so well together are still there. I have to think we could find them again if we worked together. I will try a little harder, will you? It hurts me to hear you say that you don’t like me. I’m very clear on the fact that you countless wonderful qualities. I’d like to think that you could say the same for me.”

I can’t promise that he will suddenly be overcome with apologies, but I would suspect that this would clear the air and make things a little better. And I honestly have a hard time believing that many people would be married to someone who they don’t like in any capacity.

I don’t mean to diminish how you feel.  I know how much this hurts. But I also know that it’s best to address it so that it doesn’t escalate as was the case with me.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who want nothing more than to reconcile with their spouse as soon as possible. This can be true regardless of whether they are separated or just living together and estranged. But they often have concerns about how, and when, to talk about this. They don’t want to negate any progress that they have already made and they don’t want to get an answer or a hesitation that they find discouraging.

To that end, they might post a comment on my blog like: “for the first three weeks of my trial separation, I couldn’t even get my husband to take my calls. I was very scared that we would ultimately end of divorced. He just wasn’t at all receptive to me. Every time I reached out to him, he seemed to be annoyed by me. So I backed off a little bit and, very slowly, he has started to come around. He even asked me out for dinner last week and we had a wonderful time. This week, he has called me once per day every day of the week. I’m starting to feel encouraged now and I want to talk to him about reconciling. My concern is, how do I bring this up? What questions do I ask him?”

I could understand this wife’s excitement. I had a similar experience during my own separation. And I too got all excited when my husband began to be receptive to me. But then I noticed that as my enthusiasm increased, his began to decrease. I believe that my enthusiasm frightened him, because he was just starting to come around to the idea of wanting to be open to me and then I began to move too fast. This was very costly, because the access to him that I had waited so long to get was suddenly at risk. He didn’t take my calls with as much enthusiasm and he was no longer reaching out to me. Many people have recounted similar stories on my blog, so I would caution you to not move too quickly. Because doing so really can jeopardize all of the progress that you have already made.

I know that this isn’t what you want to hear. I know how badly you want him back as soon as you can swing it. But it is so important not to make him feel overwhelmed and pressured. Remember how hard it was to get him to open up in the first place? Do you really want to revisit that place again and start from scratch just because you didn’t go at a little bit of a slower pace?

With all of this said, there are a few questions that might be appropriate, but I would stress that before you try to ask them, you make sure that things have progressed enough to where these questions are appropriate and will be welcomed. And, always back right off if you meet with resistance.

Questions Meant To Casually Set Up The Next Meeting: I firmly believe that the goal here is to keep building on the progress that you have made. Rather than pressuring him about reconciling before it is safe and appropriate to do so, I believe that the better strategy is to set up the next encounter, and the next, etc. Why? Because when you experience a string of outings that allow you to reconnect, then reconciliation will often just naturally happen without your needing to say much about it. And, if will feel much more natural and less forced when you just allow it to happen. Plus, I honestly think that it is better to let him be the one who brings up a reconciliation. That way, you don’t have to worry whether the time is right and you don’t have to worry about rejection.

Questions Meant To Gage Where He Envisions The Future: The other bet that I think is a little more safe is to ask open ended questions meant to determine how he sees the future. You might mention that you saw an ad for a destination that you’d one day like to visit. You haven’t asked him to go with you. And you haven’t suggested a joint trip. But it might be telling to see how he responds. If he mentions that one day perhaps the two of you could go together, then you could follow up on that and it would also offer a great deal of reassurance. If he doesn’t, then you might know that you have to be a little more patient.

I don’t mean to discourage you. I know first hand how reassuring it feels when you suddenly see some progress. And when you start to become closer, then of course you want to take it to the next level as soon as you possibly can. With this said, I also know the disappointment of moving too fast and then literally feeling him backing away from you. It’s the most awful feeling because you have to wonder if you are ever going to regain the ground that you lost. And, to me, it is just not worth the risk. From my own experiences, I believe that it is better to let him be the on to initiate the talks of reconciliation.

This was very difficult in my own marriage.  But in the end, it was the right call.  Because his being the one to initiate the reconciliation gave me the confidence that it was something that he really wanted rather than suspecting that he only “gave in” to my pressure. If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who want nothing more than to save their marriage but who are afraid that this is going to be an impossible task. One reason that they might believe this is because their spouse is telling them that he isn’t happy and therefore wants out of the marriage. So, although these wives’ greatest wish might be to save their marriage, they sometimes wonder if this is even going to be possible when it appears that they are the only one who cares about whether it survives or not.

I might hear a comment like: “my husband has been telling me that he is unhappy in our marriage for the last seven months. We went on a vacation together and out of the blue, he said that the vacation made him realize how he wasn’t living his truth at home and how being married to me felt like it was stifling him. I told him that I would do everything in my power to support him in his quest to be more fulfilled. He cut back on his work hours and he started doing more volunteer work so that he would feel as if he had more meaning in his life. This really seemed to help and I was hopeful that this was the start of him coming back to our marriage. Well, two weeks ago, he surprised me again by telling me that he wanted out of our marriage. He said that he had been thinking about this for months and that he had gone back and forth in his heart but that ultimately, he wants out. I wasn’t completely floored, but I wasn’t exactly expecting it because things seemed to be better. Is there any way at all that I can save my marriage when he’s nearly certain that he wants out? Is it impossible?”

I don’t think that anything is impossible. And my own experience is an indication that marriages on the brink of destruction can find a way. But, I will admit that when you are in this situation, things can look extremely discouraging. You can begin to wonder if you are being a fool or are only setting yourself up for more disappointment. That’s why I think it’s very important to strike a balance. I believe that you can begin to move forward in your own life while still trying to set up the circumstances that will help you to save your marriage. I will discuss this more below.

Don’t Announce That You Are Trying To Save Your Marriage. Make It Appear That You Are Just Trying To Keep Things Moving Along In A Positive Way: I am not going to tell you to lie to your husband or to be deceptive. But sometimes when you announce that you’re still going to try to save your marriage or you say things like: “I’m going to change your mind, you’ll see,” then all that you are really doing is running the risk that he will be even more resistant in order to prove you wrong. Instead, you want to just make it appear that you are simply trying to maintain some closeness because he will always be important to you. No one will really resist that stance. And that allows you to still have access to your husband in a low-pressure situation.

Encourage Him To Work On Himself By Offering Support, Not Judgment: I wouldn’t suggest just blurting out that your husband needs counseling. He isn’t likely to take very kindly to this. But I can not tell you how many wives I hear from who have a husband who wants out of the marriage when he is also struggling in many other areas of his life. Many husbands have a crisis of the soul and they suddenly want to discard all that is familiar to them – including their wives and their marriages. The wives will sometimes very gently try to point out that his unhappiness with the marriage began when the restlessness about his life began. But, the husbands don’t always listen because they think that the wives are only saying this to save the marriage.

However, if a counselor or other trusted person said this, then it might matter. It is not at all uncommon for husbands to want to discard their marriages when they are depressed or discouraged about something that has nothing to do with their marriages. Sometimes, if they get help for the other issue, they will see that the marriage was never the problem.  If you can’t nudge your husband toward counseling, encourage him to work on himself or offer to listen to his concerns.

Be A Source Of Support, Not Of Stress: When your husband wants out, it’s only natural to want to cling. You are motivated by fear. You are afraid that once you let him out of your sight, you are going to lose your grip on him and you might not ever get it back. But, often the tighter you grab hold, the harder he tries to pull away. I believe that one of the worst things that you can do is to come on too forcefully here. Because you absolutely do not want him to start avoiding you or to start seeing you as something that is standing in the way of his happiness. The trick is to make him feel better when he is around you instead of worse.

And I say trick because it is a trick for you as well as him. It can be very difficult to pull this off when your heart is breaking, but try very hard to do your best. The more positive feedback he gets when he is around you, the more access you will have. The more access you have, the better the chance is that you will be able to save your marriage.

Give Yourself The Same Consideration As You Are Giving To Him: Your husband is not the only one who needs support right now. You do as well. Be very gentle with yourself and consider getting some support also. Your husband needs to see that you respect yourself enough to continue doing what you love. Now is not the time to retreat and give in to the fear and doubt. It is the time to stand up and get moving despite it. I know that this sounds backward and almost impossible. But it is very common for wives in this situation to see their husband suddenly take an interest in them and the marriage when they first take an interest in themselves.

I hope that this has helped. I can’t promise that all of these things will work flawlessly, but I believe that they can certainly help.  When I was trying to save my own marriage, I couldn’t help but notice that when I turned to positive thinking and extreme self care, it almost always helped my marriage.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are devastated because their husband has told them at they aren’t happy with them or with the marriage. This hurts. And it can make you wonder if he still has any love for you or if all this unhappiness business is just a preview of things to come.

I might hear a comment like: “last weekend, my husband and I unexpectedly were able to go out to dinner alone because some of my neighbors invited our children to a barbecue. I was very happy about this because I thought that finally my husband and I would have some alone time. Having small children has taken its toll on our marriage as well as the fact that we both have very busy careers. Last weekend, I was confident that we still loved each other, but were not as close as when we first met simply because of the stress of every day life. I thought this was normal when you had such a young family. I was very surprised when my husband told me that he was very unhappy with our marriage and our lives. He pretty much said it out of the blue, without much warning. At first, he would only vaguely say that he wasn’t happy, but after I kept asking him open ended questions, he said that he feels lonely in our marriage and he feels that we never have any quality time together and possibly are not compatible anymore. Well, I can fix the quality time issue. I could cut back at work if I had to and if my marriage was at stake. But I don’t agree that we’re not compatible. And I think that he is overreacting quite a bit. I asked my husband if he was going to leave and if he still loved me. He said that he didn’t know if he was going to leave and that he ‘thought’ that he was still in love with me. He ‘thinks’ he’s still in love with me? That makes me think that he doesn’t love me anymore. And when I combine with this with the knowledge that he’s unhappy, this makes me think that he doesn’t still love me. But my friend says this is crazy talk. She said that people can be in a rut and be unhappy and still love their spouse. Who is right?”

I’m not going to stall here. I’m going to tell you right away that I think that the friend was right. Now, would it be unheard of for a husband to tell his wife he might still love her when he knows in his heart and for certain that he does not? No, certainty not. Men will sometimes hesitate to their wives when the loving feelings have left because they don’t want to hurt her. And because they don’t want to give her too much to process all at one time. After all, they have just told her that they are unhappy. It would be kind of heartless to throw in the “I don’t love you” on top of all of this.

With that said, it is VERY possible to love your spouse and not love your marriage, or your life, or your circumstances, during one moment in time. In fact, it’s not at all uncommon for people to think that it is their marriage (or their spouse) that is contributing to their unhappiness when in fact it is other things that are creating the conflict. This is called projection and it happens because your spouse is the closest person to you and therefore the most logical target.

Even husbands who are very unhappy can still very consciously love their wives. They can still love their wives and wish that things were different. In fact, I would argue that if they didn’t still love their wives, then this whole thing wouldn’t be bothering them as much. Think about it. One of this husband’s biggest complaints was that they didn’t have as much time together and therefore couldn’t share the closeness that the husband seemed to crave. Well, if he didn’t still love his wife, would he really react to not having enough time and intimacy with her? Would he be missing her and feeling the void in the same way? Possibly not. Probably not.

So to answer the original question, I think that it can be a real mistake to assume that he doesn’t love you just because he’s unhappy. And if you still love him, then it makes sense to address the source of his unhappiness (as he has told you what it is) and get the loving feelings to return. They are likely still there, but he doesn’t feel them because he doesn’t have as much opportunity to feel them. And because his perceived unhappiness is clouding his other feelings.

I wish that I had listened more when my own husband told me that he was unhappy.  I just sort of hoped that everything worked out on it’s own.  But of course it didn’t.  We eventually separated.  And I had to work doubly hard to get him back.  It would have been easier if I had just listened in the first place. If it helps, you can read about our struggles to save our marriage (which I eventually did) on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who know that their separated husband’s words should be providing them with some reassurance, but they aren’t. And one big reason for this is that the words that he speaks are different from the words that he expresses with his actions. He words might be telling her that he wants to end the separation or he wants to be with her, but his actions aren’t moving him closer to that goal.

So I might hear a comment like: “my husband and I have been separated for about seven months. He was offered a job transfer at about the same time that our marriage was struggling the most. So, he decided that it made sense for him to take the transfer and for us to live apart for a while. I objected to this, but I wasn’t the only one who was making this decision. I really didn’t have a choice because he was adamant that the separation would be good for us. While we have been apart, I am confident that we have missed each other. I know that I miss him and he says that he misses me. He comes home some weekends and we seem to be communicating much better. Maybe it’s because we don’t want to waste our limited time arguing. Lately, we have been talking about reconciling. This is what I truly want. And my husband claims that this is what he wants also. But, these are just words. Because he never follow ups the words with any actions. When we talk, I ask him if he has talked to his boss about transferring back. And he never has. Some weekends, when he comes home, I will ask him if maybe he wants to start moving some of his clothes back. He has some winter clothes at his apartment, which he doesn’t need right now. He certainly should be home with me by the winter. But, he resists bringing his clothes home. I’m starting to wonder if he is telling me the truth. Why would he say he wants to be with me and then not move heaven and earth to make it so?”

There are some possible reasons for this. And they aren’t always bad or negative reasons that mean that he is not telling you the truth. I will discuss some of the possibilities below.

It May Difficult For Him To Just Pick Up And Leave: I think that a very likely scenario is that it might be more difficult for the husband to transfer than he is letting on. It might not be possible for him to just walk into his bosses office and announce that he is going to make another job change. He may not want to worry you with these details, so he’s just hoping that you will be a little more patient with him. He may have good intentions that he really will come back at some point, but he isn’t sure when and he doesn’t want to upset you by saying this.

He May Still Have Some Doubts Or There May Still Be Issues That He Wants Resolved: He may not want to upset you by admitting that he doesn’t think that your relationship is optimal yet or that he is still worried about some outstanding issues between you. He may be optimistic that, in time, you will be able to work through this. But, this is why you might be seeing those delays. He’s waiting for some of the issues that are still worrying him to resolve themselves and he doesn’t want to cause more problems by bringing this up.

He May Not Have A Timeline In The Same Way That You Do: He may well be thinking that “one day,” when things are much better, the two of you are going to reconcile. But his idea of “one day” may be much different than yours. He may see “one day” as months away while you may see it as next weekend. This doesn’t mean that he is lying to you or that he never wants to reconcile. It may just mean that he’s not in the same rush that you are.

How Best To Deal With This: So, how do you clear the air so that you can get him home more quickly? Well, you don’t want to sound accusatory and you don’t want to approach him if you are going to sound angry. You don’t want for him to get defensive and then to begin to think that he doesn’t want to come home at all. You want to lure him toward coming home, not away from it.

So while you want to be up front and direct, you don’t want to give the impression that you believe that he is deceiving you or stalling. You might consider something like: “it might be obvious that I want you to come home as soon as possible. I know that there might be circumstances which are preventing this. I know that everything might not just fall into place immediately. But I want for you to know that I am really trying to make sure that things run smoothly between us when you do come home. And I hope that you are really trying to make this happen as soon as if feasible. Will you just keep me posted as to how it’s going? I’m just trying to get an idea as to when we might be together full time. Do you have any insights on this?”

Then, allow him to talk. He may provide a more information or he may tell you why he’s not moving as fast as you might like. Some of these delays might be something that you can control, while others may not be. But what is most important is that you keep talking about it and you regularly talk about any progress or any delays. The worst thing that you can do is to get angry or frustrated and then worry in silence. Ask him what is behind the delay and then control what you can and trust that he is doing his best with the rest.

When my own husband seemed to be stalling about coming home, I assumed that he wasn’t truly sincere.  This was a huge mistake and my reaction jeopardized our reconciliation.  Once I decided to have more patience, things improved dramatically and my husband eventually did come home.  If it helps, you can read more about how I was able to navigate our separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from spouses who have noticed something very troubling within their marriage. Unfortunately, it has become obvious to them that their spouse is withholding his love and affection. This can lead to worry that he no longer loves them, is unhappy, and will eventually want a separation or divorce.

To that end, I might hear a comment like: “for the last three weeks, my husband hasn’t touched me at all. I know that he is angry at me. We have been fighting over money for the last year because my company downsized so I am not doing more work for less money. So my husband is very big on substantially lowering our expenses. I understand this, but I haven’t bought one thing for myself for the past three months. Last month, I was at the mall and they were having a big sale on bedding. I bought a comforter at a deep discount. My husband was furious with me because there was nothing wrong with our old comforter. Ever since that day, he hasn’t shown me one ounce of affection. He will talk to me if I ask him something, but otherwise he does not initiate a conversation. He hasn’t kissed me or held my hand or even acknowledged that I exist really. When he talks to me at all, it is to tell me that he feels that I am working against him rather than with him and he feels that perhaps I’m never going to get with the program. He says that he is not going to continue to stay with me if I am going to bankrupt him. I am so worried about this. I’m sorry for what I did. I admit that we really didn’t need the comforter.  Our existing comforter was only a year old.  And I’m so upset thinking that his withholding his affection is a sign that he wants a separation or a divorce and is going to leave me. Will he?”

Unfortunately, I can not see into the future. Only the husband knew exactly what he was thinking about his marriage at this moment in time. Plus, I didn’t know if the conflict was a new one or if withholding affection or complaining was something that had been happening over time. Because obviously, the longer that this had been happening, the better the chance the husband might feel fed up enough to take some action. Generally speaking though, it’s not all that common for someone to file for divorce at the first sign of conflict or after the first sign of withholding affection. I’m not saying that it is impossible. I’m just saying that it’s not all that common.

Don’t Wait To Address This:  Since you don’t know what he is thinking, it makes sense to address this right now, while he hasn’t yet taken any action. I know that it is sometimes tempting to think that you don’t want to rock the boat and so you just don’t say anything in the hopes that the situation will get better on its own. But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, when you do nothing, things actually get worse.  I believe that it’s better to try to have open and honest communication about this and to try to address it rather than to run the risk that doing nothing will mean that it only gets worse and your husband potentially thinks that you don’t care enough or aren’t observant enough to see what is right in front of you.

So, you might want to start by bringing this to his attention. You don’t always get the exact results that you want with this technique, but it is certainly a good place to start. You might want to try saying something like: “honey, do you have a minute so that I can talk to you about something? I can’t help but noticing that for the last couple of weeks, you haven’t been very affectionate to me. I suppose that it is possible that you are preoccupied with something important at work or something else that needs your attention. But I also think that it’s possible that this change corresponded with my buying items at the mall when you felt that we should limit our spending. I’m very sorry about that and I’d like to apologize again for it. I understand why we need to limit our spending and I am committed to doing that. If you feel that we need to discuss this more, I’m perfectly willing to do that also. But I don’t want for our marriage to become an issue for us to overcome like our finances are. I know that we are under stress because of our finances and I want to work with you to make things better. Is that OK with you?”

Demonstrate What You Yourself Want To See: Hopefully, having this frank conversation will open the door to him showing you more affection because he sees that you are genuinely remorseful and don’t plan to do the same thing twice. But, if he’s a little slow to warm up, another thing that you can try is to try to break the awkwardness by being the one to break the ice. Show him the behavior that you yourself are looking for. In other words, if you want for him to be affectionate to you, start by being affectionate to him. Reach out and hold his hand. Rub his back. Reach out to him and he may respond by eventually reaching out to you. And when he does, you want to give him liberal praise and positive feedback so that he will be motivated to keep doing it.

Don’t Automatically Think Of Divorce: But to answer the question posed, I don’t think withholding affection means that a spouse wants a divorce or even a separation. But, it can mean that he is angry or dissatisfied. It most definitely could mean that he is frustrated because he’s worried that the situation isn’t going to change. But if you show him that you are sincere about doing what you have said, and you ease the tension by restoring some of the affection your self, then it could be a mistake to assume that he wants a divorce. That’s a very big jump from dissatisfaction and divorce, especially if you take action before this happens.

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t address my husband’s frustration when it first surfaced.  I just hoped that things would work out without taking any action.  This almost cost me my marriage because we separated.  But once I got serious about saving my marriage, things changed for the better.  If it helps, you can read more about how I was able to save my marriage on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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