Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Often, when you are separated, your greatest obstacle seems to be getting your separated husband to be willing to come back home. Many wives hope that if they can just find a way to overcome this obstacle, then things will just fall back into place once he returns home where he belongs. But what happens when it doesn’t?

I might hear from a wife who says: “my husband left our home about three months ago. He had been struggling in many areas of his life. His job was going poorly. His mother was nagging him. He had a health scare. When he decided to move out, I really felt that things couldn’t get much worse for us. But then he told me that he was leaving because he wasn’t sure of his feelings for me. This devastated me. But I tried very hard not to make excuses. I tried to place my focus on not doing anything to alienate him further. I made sure to call him regularly. And I would see him every opportunity that he would allow it. The whole time, I was trying to remind him of what he loved about me (and hopefully still does.) This seemed to be working, so I started leaning hard on him to come home and see for himself that the feelings were still there. He resisted this at first, but I kept giving him gentle reminders. Finally, I got him to agree to come back home on a trial basis to see if I could prove to him that the spark was back. He reluctantly agreed to this, but he was honest the whole time, and he told me that he wasn’t sure that I was going to be happy with the outcome. I admit that all I was concerned about at the time was just getting him to come home. Well, he has been home for about four weeks. And last night, he told me that the feelings just weren’t there for him. The feelings are most definitely still there for me. I have never loved him more, and I begged him not to make a snap decision. He says that he is staying put for now but that he can’t promise me that he won’t ultimately leave. He says that romantic feelings are very important in terms of a marriage. I agree that this is important. But I think if we address all of the things that are stressing him out, we can get the feelings back. Am I wrong to make this assumption?”

Not necessarily. In fact, I am still married today because I was able to restore the feelings between my husband and I during our separation. I don’t want to make this sound like an easy or short process because it most certainly was not. In fact, there were times when I was sure our marriage was over.  But, it turned out that it wasn’t.

Of course, every situation is different. And I have no ability to read this husband’s mind or to guess at his plans or motivations. However, I think that it is probably a fair assumption that he is uncertain about the future, but is discouraged that he’s not feeling what either of you hoped that he would.

Stress Really Can Play A Role: I believe that the wife’s perceptions were good in that the husband’s stressors could well have been contributing to his perceived lack of emotions. Here is why. It’s hard to feel deep romantic feelings when you have shut down most of your feelings to protect yourself from stress. This may have been the case here. But, when the stressors are lessened or even removed, then he will feel liberated to deeply feel without fear or hesitation.

But, since you can’t possibly know what is going to happen with each and every situation, I believe that the best course of action is to try to keep a positive and loving attitude and ask him if you can help to lighten his load in some areas. He may or may not take you up on this, but at least your focus stays where it should be.

Confidence Is Conducive To Loving Feelings: No matter how tempting it may be, don’t let your insecurity show and don’t repeatedly ask him about his feelings. This just adds yet another stressor to what he is already dealing with. You are more likely to have a good result if you go into this with confidence that deep down, your husband still loves you and is going to come to realize this when his stressful situations improve. You may have already reacted badly and shown him your fear and disappointment. But tomorrow is another day.  You get a new opportunity each and every day.  He’s still in the house. So you can start with a fresh slate tomorrow.  You don’t need to overdo it or try too hard, but you shouldn’t approach it like it’s already a failure. Have a positive attitude with an expectation that things will eventually fall into place. I know that it can be a challenge to pull this off. But it’s also a challenge to get him back after he leaves again. My suggestion would be to try to avoid that if you can.

Regardless of what happens in the near future, it’s always advisable to look at the long term also. Sure, you want him happy at home tomorrow and the next day. But ultimately, you want a healthy, happy, and stable marriage next year. So try very hard not to panic and to overreact because both of these things could compromise the long term outcome.

I do understand how much it hurts when your spouse is telling you that the feelings just aren’t there.  But my situation is a testament to the fact that, given a little time and the right circumstances, the feelings can return. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, wives who never want to separate want nothing more than to reconcile with their reluctant husbands. So, they are understandably always looking for signs that the circumstances are improving and they may be well on their way to a reconciliation . I sometimes hear from some of them who want to know if a certain event or happening might be a good sign. I always want to offer encouragement because I know how it feels to question every little thing that your separated husband does or says – always looking for positive signs and signals. But I think that you have to be careful with this. Things can change quickly. And one day your husband may be receptive and downright loving and the next, he may give you completely different signals to decipher. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be discouraged when things are going your way, though.

I might hear from a wife who says: “when my husband first moved out, he would not even acknowledge me. He is angry with me because he believes that I take my children’s side over his. He believes that our family life is just too stressful and not good for any of us. I called him repeatedly at first and he would let it go to voice mail. But, for the last couple of weeks, he has started coming over on Friday nights for dinner. I cook a very nice meal and I insist that all of my children attend. The first week that we did this, things went so well that I invited him the next week. As it stands, I intend to do this on every Friday until he moves back in. I admit that we don’t talk that much during the week. But I am encouraged by this. In fact, I think that this means that we are reconciled. My daughter told me that I was reading way too much into this. She said that a string of hour long dinners don’t mean a thing. She says a reconciliation only happens when both people talk about it and agree to it. Is she right? Are we not reconciled?”

Honestly, the only person who can really answer this for you is your husband. He would know if he thinks that you have reconciled. But I suspect that I know why  this question hasn’t been asked. Because the answer is scary. He might say no. And he might think that you are moving too fast and therefore back off and put an end to those Friday night dinners.

I don’t mean to discourage you. Because no one can deny that a man who has gone from not taking your calls at all to suddenly wanting to see you on Friday nights has most definitely had a change of heart – at least somewhat. Does this mean that he wants to reconcile? I don’t think that anyone but him knows.

Because of my own situation, I learned the hard way that it is better to be patient and to keep the good signs going rather than to apply pressure and then have to start over when your husband backs up. I would say that it is entirely possible that you are at the beginning stages of a reconciliation or well on your way.  But it might be a little early to assume that everything is completely fine.

And, there were a couple of indications that were missing here. There was no mention of them talking more about or attempting to work through the family issues. Did the husband reconcile his concerns about the children? Did the family stress work itself out? Had this couple sat down while both of them told the other what they needed and required in order to be comfortable putting their whole hearts and their full effort into a reconciliation?

If these things haven’t happened yet, then thoughts of a reconciliation could well have been premature. Because if you consider yourself reconciled and he comes back home to the same problems in the same house which he deems stressful, then his return home may not last.

It is so much better, and less risky, to take your time and allow the reconciliation to unfold on its own as your family situation truly improves. I know that this may not be what you wanted to hear. I know that you wanted for someone to tell you that you were reconciled or very close to it. But until you have a serious conversation about the same with your husband, I think that it is just a little premature.

I would continue on with those wonderful weekly dinners. When this goes well, I would try to schedule some time during the week. I would want him to spend more time with the family in a very non stressful environment. And I would want to gradually talk about the issues so that they could be worked through and then left behind.

I do understand this because during my own separation, I tried to rush my husband home.  I applied a lot of pressure.  And this backfired because I had to start all over. I eventually got him back home but it took much longer than it should have.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Very few people actually look forward to or embrace a marital separation. No, most people try their very best to avoid it. And, when they can’t, they decide that all they can really do is to make the best of it and to try to make it productive. By productive, I mean that you want to take advantage of this time (which you wish you didn’t have) to improve your marriage and yourself. That way, the hope is that when you do reconcile, the separation would not have only been a painful waste of time.

This all makes sense and sounds good on the surface, but many people either aren’t sure how to carry this out or they have a hard time doing this in real life. Someone might say: “my husband has been pushing for a separation for nearly six months. I held him off for a while. I was really hopeful that I would be able to change his mind. But he held firm. He actually left a couple of days ago. And when he did, his parting words to me were: ‘I think we both have a lot of things to think about during this separation. I hope that you will take advantage of this time. We both have a lot of contemplating to do.’ I was so hurt by the fact that he was going to be walking out the door in mere seconds, that I honestly did not even respond to him. And I really didn’t consider what he meant because I was so emotional that I couldn’t even process it. But now, I’m starting to think about his words. And I have decided that I don’t even know what he meant. What should I be “thinking about” during the separation? I’m not even the one who wanted it. I get that he’s going to be “thinking about” or deciding if he wants to retain our marriage. But there really isn’t anything for me to be thinking about. There is nothing for me to decide. Because I am not the one who wanted the separation to begin with.  I know that I still want my marriage. So I don’t see that there is really anything for me to ponder.”

I understand why you feel this way. I felt this way too. Much of the time, I felt like I was merely waiting and watching. And this was lonely and scary. But, my husband didn’t really come to any quick answers. And after a while, I got tired of being so passive. So I did decide that I was going to try to take advantage of the individual time I had. And looking back now, I do believe that this self examination not only helped us to eventually reconcile, but it also helped us maintain our marriage and not revert back to our old problems and behaviors.  And frankly, I needed some of the changes.  And not all of them related to my marriage.

Here are some of the things that I thought about which ended up being helpful.

Why, Exactly, Are We Here?: I find that sometimes, people are completely in the dark as to why their marriage deteriorated. And this isn’t always their fault. Because a lot of the time, the spouse who wants the separation is being evasive. He will only give you vague reasons that he wants to separate, which frankly, sound pretty lame. Sometimes, he is doing this on purpose and other times, even he isn’t clear as to why he is pursuing the separation or what he wants. He only knows that he isn’t happy and he hopes that separating for a while will fix it.

So, as unfair as it is, you kind of have to read between the lines and think back to arguments, hints, and clues as to what might really be the core issue here. This is very important. Because fixing the core issue is the quickest and easiest path to a reconciliation.

What Can You Tweak?: I never like to place blame in any separation. Often, it isn’t any one’s fault. You can’t point your finger to any particular person. It is usually just a gradual breaking down. However, you can often look at your marriage and see its weaknesses.  And you can identify any part that you played in those weaknesses. And those roles can often be tweaked a little. Do you end up fighting every time you try to discuss a hard topic? Then maybe you could work on your negotiation and compromise. Are you quick to assume the worst when your husband makes comments that don’t really mean anything? Then perhaps working on your security level makes sense. This is going to be very individual depending on your marriage. But, every one has something that they can change and improve upon. Doing this during the separation saves you time and it hopefully helps with your reconciliation.

What Do You Really Want?: So often, people think that the only person doing any soul searching during the separation is the person who wanted it to begin with. This is, at least in my eyes, a big mistake. The ideal is for both people to work on themselves as individuals during this time. If you do this, when you come back together, you will both be much stronger emotionally – which will result in a stronger marriage.

But in order for this to happen, you need to do some self exploration. What do you want for your marriage? What do you want for your life? What does your ideal day look like? I am asking you this because if you can envision it, you can make it a reality. Frankly, some of the best work I did during my separation wasn’t necessarily about my marriage.  It was about me.  You can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I have to admit that most of the correspondence that I receive comes from women or from wives. That’s not to say that I never hear from men. Because I do. But since my articles are written from the perspective of a wife dealing with (and trying to overcome) a separation, then I often hear from women in that exact same situation. And many of these women are very fed up because they know that they are not alone. Many of them know (or at least read about) another wife whose husband has suddenly decided that his need for space or a separation is more important to him (at east at that time) than what she wants. This can seem grossly unfair. And it can lead you to the assumption that this is a new and awful trend among married men – to just up and decide he needs space without considering what his wife’s feelings.

It’s not uncommon for me to hear from a wife who says something like: “I believe that I am the fourth wife in my neighborhood in the last six months to be dealing with a middle aged husband who suddenly wants a trial separation because he ‘needs space.’ There is a joke in our neighborhood that there must be something in the water. But this is no joking matter to me. I am hurting. I have been with my husband for over twenty years and I have been married for fourteen. This feels so awful for me. And what truly upsets me is that I did not have any say whatsoever in the matter. Nor did any of my friends whose husbands pulled the same thing. It’s as if these men just get to decide that they don’t like being married at this particular second and so they feel that they get to step back from their life and from their marriage. How is this fair? Why does it have to be this way?”

First of all, I know that this feels awful for you. I know because I have been there. And I know that it may seem like your husband hasn’t considered your feelings. You could be right about this. I certainly don’t know your husband. But I can tell you this. Remember above when I said that I do sometimes hear from husbands? Well, occasionally I hear from husbands who want to approach their wife about a separation. Many aren’t sure how to do this without hurting their wife. And many are putting an awful lot of time and emotions into thinking about how to do this in the right way. In fact, many tell me that they wish they weren’t experiencing their feelings. This is especially true if they have children. Because many are fully aware that their asking for space or a trial separation is going to cause a lot of hurt and fear.

Many wives assume that this is just a sudden declaration by their husband – that he just decided he wanted space one morning and announced it that same night. Many of the men that I hear from have been thinking about it (and struggling with it) for a long time.

Please don’t misunderstand me and think that I am taking up for men who need space. I’m not. I know this hurts. But I do want you to know that not all men in this situation are only thinking of themselves. Many are well aware that they are going to hurt their wives and they hesitate to do this for a long time before they actually do.

With this said, if you don’t think that he understands your feelings or that he isn’t considering them, then there is certainly nothing wrong with having a mature conversation about this. You might try something like: “please bear with me as I try to express some things. It’s hard because this comes as such a shock that I’m trying to collect myself. This feels abrupt to me and I feel as if you’re not giving me any opportunity to address whatever is the problem. Leaving or taking space is a huge and drastic measure. I feel that it is too drastic a measure to take before you have even given me a chance to address whatever is bothering you and before you have even shared your motivations with me. Can we back up for just a second and talk about what is wrong before we talk about taking space?”

I can’t promise you that he will suddenly back away from whatever need he thinks that he has. But, it may make him pause. And it will give you the opportunity to feel heard. I know that it seems that a lot of men who have been married for a while suddenly want space. But this has always been the case for as long as their has been marriages. Couples didn’t always talk so openly about it in the past. And women sometimes ask for space too. Frankly, our society has become increasingly destructive to marriages so that people feel more comfortable taking a step back.

His asking for space doesn’t necessarily and always mean that your marriage is over either. But it can mean that you have to be careful about how you address this. If you tell him that he’s selfish and thoughtless and you get defensive, then you’re not helping your cause. But if you try to get to the core issue and make it appear that you are trying to work with him rather than against him, this usually works better.

I honestly didn’t think that my husband cared about my feelings at all during our separation.  But after we reconciled, he admitted that he cared quite a bit.  He just didn’t let me see it.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not uncommon for someone to make the impulsive decision to leave their spouse and to walk out on their marriage. Sometimes, this decision sticks and the couple eventually moves toward a divorce. Other times, the spouse who walks out begins to have second thoughts – whether he admits to them or not. This can leave both parties wondering what happens next.

A comment that you might hear in this situation is something like: “about two weeks ago, my husband walked out on me. I knew that he wasn’t as happy as he wanted to be. I knew that we had some problems. But we also have children. And that is why I never thought that he would walk out on me. But he did. At first, he wouldn’t even take my calls. He said he just needed to be alone with his thoughts for a while. I respected this and I did not bother him. A few days later, he called and asked if he could come over for dinner. The kids and I missed him very much, so I agreed. Over dinner, we laughed a couple of times and the children were so happy to see him. One of them told him how sad it made them that he wasn’t living with us. He later admitted to me that hearing that comment broke his heart and he now is having second thoughts about walking out. But he hesitates to come back because he is not sure if he is going to be happy if he does. I was talking to my mom about this and she said that I would be crazy to take back a man that would just walk out on his wife and children. She said all I am doing is setting it up so that he will walk out on me again. She says that all I am doing is prolonging my agony. Is she right?”

Well, every one is entitled to their own opinion, of course. And I can not deny that some men do leave more than once. Some men do change their minds repeatedly when it comes to leaving their marriages and then coming back. But, we don’t know if that is going to be the case here. I firmly believe that there are things that you can try to do to ensure that he not only comes back, but he doesn’t leave again. I will discuss some of them below.

Why I Think It’s A Good Idea Not To Rush Things: I know that you want your husband to come back home as soon as possible. I have been in this place and I know how awful it feels. But, I also know that unless and until you address the issues that caused him to leave in the first place, the chances of him leaving again in the future are much higher.

I think it’s fair to guess that you probably never want to go through this again. And one way to swing the odds in your favor is to take advantage of the time that you have right now and use it to really uncover what lead to this. Once you make this discovery, work tirelessly to not only address it, but to banish it.

Some folks are able to accomplish this by themselves. And others will need help and will seek counseling or self help. There is no shame in getting help. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love either other enough or that something is lacking in you. It means that you are smart enough to see that this is outside of your expertise and your marriage. It also means that your family means enough to you to place it as your highest priority.

Strengthening His Commitment So That Leaving Again Is Not An Option: In addition to working on your marriage, it is often quite beneficial to work on his commitment. He needs to understand how much this has negatively affected his children and has brought fear into your household. Quite honestly, half of the battle of saving your marriage is having both spouses agree that a divorce, (or even a separation,) is no longer an option. Commitment is often the element that is missing when people are unable to save their marriages.

Once you have made every attempt to address the issues that contributed to him leaving, this would also be a very good time to also sit down and talk about your mutual commitment. Tell your spouse that you are completely committed to the marriage and would not leave or walk out. Tell him that you need the same commitment from him. This will go a long way toward easing your mind and it will strengthen your family because no one has to continue to walk on egg shells every time you disagree.

It will also force you to learn new, more constructive ways of negotiating your issues when you disagree. Because it’s often not the issues or the problems that breaks up marriages. It’s that the parties don’t stay and talk them through.

I know that this hurts.  I was once separated from my own husband and the loneliness was really hard at times.  With that said, if we hadn’t have worked on our marriage during the separation, I firmly believe that we may not be still married today.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Often, when you are separated, you spend a great deal of time wondering what it is going to take to get your spouse to agree to a reconciliation. You wonder what their thought process might need to be and what you can do to get them to start thinking the thoughts that are going to bring them home.

This process isn’t always easy, but it’s more doable if you have a spouse who is somewhat agreeable and easy going. But, if you have a spouse with a stubborn streak, then you could have a bit more of a challenge.

A wife might explain: “my husband is a very stubborn person. He has it in his head that we have grown apart and he has decided that he deserves some time to spend on himself. So he packed up his stuff and he left me with the kids even though I offered him multiple compromises and promised him that I would be the one making the concessions if he stayed. None of this mattered in any way to him. When my husband makes a decision, there is often no going back. I have told him that we have a marriage that most people envy. No, we are not perfect but no couple, and no marriage, is perfect. I feel that if we just prioritized our marriage a little more, we really could be happy. But he will not hear of this. And it is clear that he wants to do the separation his way because every time I suggest that he comes over to eat dinner or that we meet up for a family movie, he’s clearly annoyed that I am trying to make the decisions and the suggestions. My big worry about this whole thing is that when my husband decides on something, then that is basically it. He stubbornness is legendary. He is a person who never ever admits that he is wrong. So I feel like even if he begins to get lonely and even if he realizes that he has been unfair and unyielding, it is not really going to matter. He is going to be too stubborn to admit that he is wrong.”

I absolutely understand why you are concerned about this. I had the same concerns and this thought process is a very common one. People can be very prideful during a separation, with every one wanting to “save face.”  Both spouses can wonder if they look week or desperate if they are the one who reaches out or who blinks first. But it might help to know that very often, in time, these things don’t matter so much anymore. Even the proudest of people are sometimes worn down by the mental and emotional strain during a separation.

Why He May Still Come Around: You’d be surprised at how this encourages people to compromise when they were reluctant to do so before and to make some concessions that never would have been considered months ago. Why does this happen? Because when you are by yourself for a while, you gain perspective. You miss your spouse and you realize that all the self righteousness in the world is not going to keep you warm at night.

One day, your husband might ask himself: “what good is all of this going to be when I’m a lonely old man who is all alone holding onto his ideals? What good will it do me in the end?” People often decide that the need to be right isn’t serving them anymore. They decide that they would rather be happy and connected with the person they love than right and bitter and all alone.

Give Him An Easy Out Or A Way To “Save Face:” With all of the above said, some people are still a bit reluctant to give into these feelings simply because they don’t want it to appear that they are caving or “giving in.” That is why it is very important to give your husband an easy out. Make sure he knows that you are not going to make any harsh judgements about this. Make sure he knows that there will be no phrases like: “I told you so,” and “this is what I have been saying all along but you were too stubborn to hear it.”

Make sure he knows that there will be no score keeping or judgements throughout this process. You may even concede that you can understand why he felted the need to take a break. In the end, it really doesn’t matter who was right or wrong. It’s only about bringing this to a positive resolution so that a family can heal. If you take this attitude and show your husband that you are looking for a resolution and you don’t care about anyone’s stance, then he will be more likely to follow your lead.

He may surprise you and let down his stubbornness. Or, you may have to approach him with patience and acceptance so that he knows that you won’t point out his mistakes and the pain that his attitude has caused. Every one has to look at the big picture. The past and who did what to put you here doesn’t matter all that much. What really matters is how you move on from this and get your family back together.

I’ve noticed that after a while of being separated people often come to understand this. But if he doesn’t, then you may have to gently nudge him toward that way of thinking.  I definitely had to give my own husband an easy out when he started to change his level of receptiveness toward me during our separation.  I let it be known that the resolution was more important than how we got there.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Divorce is one of those major life decisions that can be heart wrenching. For most people, this is an extremely difficult call to have to make. And I think that if most people are being honest, they will admit that they are not always sure that they are making the right decision when they decide to go ahead and end their marriage. Quite frankly, people often wonder if they are going to one day regret this. But many feel pressured to go ahead and make the decision any way so that every one can get on with their lives.

I sometimes hear from folks who are just approaching this crossroad for themselves. And who are wondering if one day regretting their decision is a possibility. So you might hear from a wife who has a concern like this: “I believe that I have made the very difficult decision to leave my husband and pursue a divorce. My husband is a good man. He would make a good father one day. But, the spark just isn’t there. And I don’t want to make the mistake of starting a family with someone who doesn’t create that chemistry with me. He used to. But he doesn’t anymore. I have been patient waiting for it to come back. But at this point, I think that I am just wasting part of both of our lives. I know that my husband loves me. And I love him. But I am not in love with him. He is going to be devastated about this, but I really am leaning toward this decision of divorce. I have talked to my best friend about this and she is very worried for me. She says that she knows a lot of women who have been divorced who deeply regret it. She says my husband is a keeper and I’m silly if I don’t see it. She says another woman will scoop my husband right up and then I will see how wrong my decision is truly going to be. Is she right? Do women regret their divorces?”

Well, I think that anyone can regret a divorce. But I think that women might be slightly more likely to regret it, especially if they were the ones who initiated it. And there are many reasons for this. First, women sometimes take a heavy financial hit after a divorce – and sometimes it takes quite a while to recover from this. Also, I’ve had some women tell me that they regret getting a divorce because they now realize that their standards were too high. Now that they are in the dating world, they are finding that most every person they are meeting has faults. And many of them find that it is difficult to date later in life –  when many of the men that they might otherwise be interested in are dating younger women who have never been married.

Some have told me that they regret that they didn’t at least try to aggressively save their marriage before they got a divorce. Some concede that they may have ultimately divorced anyway. But they worry that they acted too impulsively or abruptly, especially since they have always been clear on the fact that there was really nothing wrong with their husband. He treated them well. He was a high quality person. Yes, perhaps something was missing, but many wish they had tried to get it back more enthusiastically before just letting a perfectly good husband go.

I am not saying that all women who seek a divorce regret it. Some do not. Some will tell you that it was a necessary decision. Some were in destructive or abusive relationships where they knew that they couldn’t thrive until they got out. These are the women who will tell you that they should have divorced sooner.

Of course, this wife’s situation didn’t even approach this. Even she conceded that she had a good man. Yes, she was impatient. And restless. And unhappy. But I might suggest at least trying a little harder to see if you can reignite the spark (which she admits was there previously.) I agree that children should be put off until it’s obvious that the marriage is stable and fulfilling for both people. Because that might make you feel trapped and who needs that right now?

But, I do see the advantage of thinking this through very carefully and perhaps seeing if you can bring back a little chemistry before you take any drastic action. Because if chemistry is the only problem, it can be fixed. And once you tell your husband that you want a divorce, this is something that you can ever take back. It will likely hurt him deeply and it might damage your marriage irrevocably. So, if you are going to mention a divorce, it should be something about which you are sure. And if you are researching whether or not women regret divorce, it doesn’t sound as if you are sure.

There was actually a time when my husband was considering a divorce because our connection and our intimacy just wasn’t there.  We got these things back, though. And when I think now that I might have lost my husband forever over something that was ultimately fixed, I realize what a waste that would have been.  I firmly believe that things can improve dramatically in your marriage once you turn your attention to it.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I wish I could tell you that the vast majority of correspondence that I get are from people who are perfectly happy with their marriage and are incredibly content with their spouse. This isn’t the case, though. Most of the time, I hear from people who feel as if their marriage, or their feelings for their spouse, are falling apart. And, I hear from people on both sides of the equation. Sometimes, I hear from the spouse who is unhappy. And other times, I hear from the spouse who is trying to change things so that their unhappy spouse doesn’t leave or file for divorce.

One common concern is when someone has grown “bored” or “tired” of their spouse but hesitates to mention it or to take any actions for a couple of reasons. First, the person who feels dissatisfied might intuitively know that they are acting unfairly or asking for too much. They will often tell you that their spouse is a good person. And they feel guilty for the way that they feel. Also, they don’t want to hurt their spouse’s feelings by bringing this up.

I might hear from a wife who says: “this is going to sound awful and I feel terrible to even say this. But I’m tired of my husband. He hasn’t done anything horrible to me or anything like that. But everything that he does just annoys me. I can’t stand the way that he seems clueless about little things like he is just inattentive to the world in general. Even the way that he chews his food gets to me. I know that this is petty and I am not proud of feeling this way. But so many of my younger coworkers are so deeply in love with their new husbands. But, I don’t feel that way about mine. I just don’t. If I’m being honest, I am just tired of the same old thing with him. At the same time, I feel like it might be a stupid decision to leave him for something as petty as this. We have been married for a long time and we have a family. I have put a lot of work and time into this marriage. But what can you do when there is no doubt that you are tired of your spouse and you feel awful about it?”

Before I try to answer, I want to tell you that what you are feeling is very common. You are not alone in the way that you feel and you are not awful for feeling it. I believe that it does make sense to try some things before you take the very drastic measure of leaving a marriage that has been so important to you and has made up so much of your life. I’ll offer some of these suggestions below.

Ask Yourself If You Are Projecting Your Dissatisfaction With Your Life Onto Your Spouse: Please don’t take this the wrong way. But it is so extremely common for dissatisfaction about your spouse to not really be about your spouse at all. And this is especially true if you are still able to concede that your spouse is still a very good person whom you still admire and feel affection for.

I wasn’t sure of this person’s age. But since she described her marriage as long-lasting, it made sense to suspect that she was approaching middle age. This is a very common time in people’s lives where they start to feel bored and dissatisfied. And this satisfaction isn’t always directly related to their spouse – although they might suspect that this is the case.

I think that it makes sense to just take an honest look at your life and ask yourself if it’s remotely possible that you’re restless with your life in general and projecting these disappointments onto your spouse. I bring this up because it’s relatively easy to add excitement to your life, to your career, and to your thought process. And when these things are so easily fixed, then it makes sense to attempt to do so rather than to throw away a perfectly good, loyal, and loving spouse.

Try To Involve Your Spouse In The Process Of Shaking Things Up: People sometimes ask me if they should tell their spouse that they are tired of or bored with them. Honestly, this rarely turns out well. Most often, people get incredibly hurt feelings and they feel defensive and rejected. It’s better to just begin making changes to shake up your life. Even better if you can involve your spouse. Take up a hobby that you’ve been dying to try but have always found excuses to put off. Take some time away from stressors and focus more on what makes you happy and what makes you feel very alive.

Step away from playing it safe and start playing it in a way that makes you thrilled to be alive. To be honest, this process can be enhanced if you bring your spouse along for the ride. And it can bring you closer, also.

I don’t mean to insinuate that you shouldn’t take this seriously. You should. But time and time again, I have seen people turn this situation around by changing things that aren’t always directly related to their spouse at all. And it would be a real shame to jeopardize such a long and important relationship when this is easily fixed.

My situation is proof that a little directed attention and effort can completely transform your marriage.  I truly believe that if you are both good people who have only gotten into a rut, then nothing is impossible.  Had I realized this myself, it might have saved me a lot of wasted time and pain.  I separated because I did not understand this. This cost me a lot of time and turmoil.  I’d highly recommend avoiding my mistakes.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most people who value their marriage see their spouse leaving them, initiating a separation, or filing for divorce as the worst-case scenario. No one wants to be abandoned by their spouse or unsure about the future of their marriage. And, if you think that any of these things are possible, then it’s normal to worry about them. But sometimes, the worry becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and it can stop or delay you from doing the things that need to be done in order to avoid this reality in the first place.

An example of a concern in this situation is something like: “About two months ago, my husband announced that he was going to leave me. He said that he wasn’t completely happy and felt that having a break might renew our commitment to our marriage. I decided right then and there that I could not let this happen. I do not want to raise my child by myself. I don’t want to stay alone at night and feel so vulnerable. And I had a horrible feeling that if my husband left me and moved out, then I might not ever see him in this house again. So I admit it. I begged him not to leave. After several days of this, he finally agreed to delay leaving, but he told me that this was just a temporary reprieve. He said there would probably come a time when he would need to go regardless of what I said or did. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Every time we disagree, I am worried that I will come home and find him gone. This morning, we got in a huge fight. I am so afraid that when I come home from work, he won’t be there. I just can not seem to stop thinking about what if he leaves me? What if he does? Our marriage is in serious trouble and I feel like this is the beginning of the end.”

Putting It In Perspective: I hear from a lot of wives with this exact same concern. I do understand it – although when my own husband left, he didn’t give me a lot of warning. If he had, I probably would have spent most of my time worrying about when the shoe was going to fall. As it were, once he left, I spent my days worrying about how I was going to get him back. I can tell you something that might help you to feel a little better. First of all, you don’t know if he’s going to leave. (And it’s probably a mistake to assume that he is.) However, you should know that his leaving doesn’t mean that he will never come back or that you will get divorced.

When my husband left, I absolutely panicked. And this was the absolute worst thing that I could have done. Because my panic caused an overreaction that made me act in ways that were actually detrimental to my marriage and more likely to end it rather than to save it. That’s why I strongly recommend that you not panic right now.

Understand That Your Worry Can Actually Make What You Fear More Likely To Happen: I absolutely understand being motivated by fear. My fear drove me during my own separation and it almost cost me my marriage. Worry doesn’t solve problems. Action solves problems. Instead of worrying about whether he will leave, it’s best to take action so that you can have the confidence that he won’t. Take an honest look at your marriage and ask yourself if there is anything that you can do or any obstacle that you can remove to make it more likely that he won’t be motivated to leave.

Know What Kind Of Image Your Worry Is Projecting: I don’t want to give you yet another thing to worry about. But here is another very legitimate reason not to allow your worries about his leaving to take over. If your husband sees you spending most of your time and emotional energy worrying that he’s going to leave you, then you should know that this projects an image that you may not be proud of. It says that you might not be enough. It says that you are dependent upon someone else to be OK.

I’m going to be honest. Confidence is attractive. Fear is not. If you are projecting a woman who thinks that she can’t possibly be OK with herself on her own, then I’d suggest re-evaluating what you want to project.

Of course, you don’t want your husband to leave. But, you should know somewhere deep inside that you would get by if he did. Honestly, the real concern is getting your marriage back on track and to a healthy place and this can happen without him leaving. But it can also happen after he has already left.

My honest answer to the question “what if he leaves me” is that you would likely be OK, but you can and should cross that bridge when you get to it. Don’t allow the fear of it to actually contribute to it happening. In the meantime, control what you can – which is yourself and the decision about what proactive steps you can take next.

I wasted a lot of time worrying about my own separation when what I should have been doing was taking decisive action.  This cost me a lot of time and caused a lot of pain.  I’d highly recommend avoiding my mistakes.   If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I know from experience that it can feel very reassuring when your separated husband is alluding to an eventual good outcome. It can make you feel just a little bit better when he’s telling you that everything is going to be OK. Unfortunately, I also know from experience that his reassurances don’t always fall in line with his intentions. Sometimes, he’s just trying to make you feel better even when he doesn’t know how things are going to turn out. This can leave you wondering what you should take away from his reassurances.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I begged my husband not to leave. I feel like a separation is a huge loss for me and I never wanted it to happen. My husband is well aware of how I feel about this. But he still felt that he wanted to separate anyway. He wants time away from me. I am still not clear on why. I will admit that I call him crying all of the time. I know that I shouldn’t do this. But it is nearly impossible for me to hide how devastated I truly am. Whenever I call my separated husband crying, he is always very sweet to me. He talks soothingly to me and he tells me that it is all going to be OK in the end. But if we talk again and I’m not upset, then he is right back to business as usual and he is distant. I was talking to my best friend about this and she told me not to read too much into my husband’s attitude. She said he’s trying to make it easier on me because that makes it easier on him. She said he just doesn’t want to hear me crying. I am hurt by this. Because I want to think that this all means that he still loves me. If he didn’t, why would he care that I was getting upset? Does his telling me that it will all be OK mean that he still loves me?”

Unfortunately, it’s impossible for any one to speculate about this – even the wife. Only the husband has some idea as to what he is thinking or feeling. And frankly, sometimes he’s not very in touch with his feelings. So even if he wanted to share this with you, he might still have a hard time.

There Are Some Good Signs Here, But Don’t Take Anything For Granted: I will say that the fact that he’s giving you reassurances and trying to comfort you would indicate that he still cares. I hear from a lot of wives that are newly separated and in some instances, their husbands won’t even take their calls. Other times, he takes their calls but he is incredibly cold to them. The fact that he is trying to soothe you is very positive, but you don’t want to just take this small fact and convince yourself that you have nothing to worry about and you therefore don’t need to take any action.

I am not saying this to discourage you. I just want you to realize that it can be very beneficial to not let your guard down and to go forward with changes that you might already know that you need to make. Because my husband always tried to make me feel better when I got down about the separation – at least at first. But this didn’t last forever. Eventually, he tired of me always bringing him down. So, not only did he stop with the encouragement, he distanced himself from me. I had to work so much harder to get him to be receptive to me again.

Why It Makes Sense To Steer Things Toward More Positive Conversations: If I had this to do all over again, I would be glad for the reassurance, but I wouldn’t count on it lasting forever. And I would realize that I needed to change the topic of conversation quite soon. Because its just human nature to not want to continue with something that makes you feel sad or guilty.

My husband came to know that every time he called me, I was going to carry on about our situation and I was going to try to get him to tell me it was all going to be OK. Over time, he no longer wanted to make that phone call to me because he knew what was going to happen.

But, if I had played it differently and I had started to act upbeat and friendly when he called rather than sad and demanding, he might have wanted to call me more. He might quite willingly have wanted to engage with me. And I might have developed something on which I could build.

The Bottom Line: Unfortunately, I have no way of knowing if this husband still loved his wife. His having concerns about her worries certainly indicated that he still cared deeply about her feelings and this was a very good sign. But, I’d suggest being careful here. Don’t douse those loving feelings by always needing endless reassurance so that he no longer wants to give them freely.

If you can begin to pull away from this cycle and be pleasant when he calls (and even reassure him sometimes) then I think you make it more likely that the loving feelings will remain.

I don’t mean to discourage you.  I know that this is hard.  But I’m trying to help you to not make the same mistakes that I did.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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