Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  A marriage or trial separation is painful and frustrating to begin with, but it can be doubly so when you don’t have enough information about your spouse to feel informed.  An example is when you aren’t sure where your spouse lives because he won’t share this information with you.

A wife might explain: “the last three weeks have been awful for me.  My husband told me about a month ago that he was going to leave and that he wanted to separate.  I didn’t think that he would ever go this far. I knew we had our problems, but I didn’t think that they were as serious as all of this.  I begged him to reconsider and told him that I know he still loves me.  He confirmed that he still loves me, but said that he feels our marriage has become beyond repair.  I begged him to let me try and save our marriage, but he said he feels that this is a waste of time.  And he says that he doesn’t want me to get my hopes up for something that will probably never be.  To make matters worse, I just have to wait to hear from him because he changed his phone number and he will not tell me where he is living.  He told some mutual friends of ours.  They know where he is.  But he has instructed them not to share this information with me. How do I even begin to save my marriage when I have no idea where he lives?  How can I get our friends to tell me?”

There’s a lot of questions here.  And it might seem that you are a long way from a reconciliation.  But I suggest that you try very hard not to get overwhelmed by this.  You can break down any large or difficult task into smaller chunks.  And you can place your focus on those smaller things – one at a time – so that they don’t seem so insurmountable.

Why Pushing Often Backfires: I know that you want to save your marriage.  I’ve been there.  But when a separated husband is resistant, as your husband is now, pushing isn’t always the best thing to do.  I also don’t think that leaning on your mutual friends to find out his whereabouts is a great idea either.  Not only will it make things awkward, but what happens when they tell you?  Do you then go over to his place unannounced and just hope that he will be glad to see you?  Because he may be just the opposite, especially when it’s obvious that you’ve ignored his wishes and proceeded anyway.  This might only make things worse.

Resort Back To Baby Steps: Sometimes, when things are this volatile, you have to try to save your marriage in small stages.  Right now, at least in my mind, the immediate goal should be to reestablish positive communication again.  And in order to do that, sometimes you have to put your plan to save your marriage aside – just right now.  Not forever.  I had to do this also and it wasn’t until I backed off of the reconciliation aspect of our separation that I gained more access to my husband.

I know that this might feel like you are going backward.  But if this backing off strategy makes your husband less guarded and secretive, then it would have been more than worth it.  Right now, I would think it would make sense to back off of the issue of his residence even if you are dying to know. The next time he calls you, consider not even mentioning it.  Try to make it clear that you are keeping busy and working on yourself – and having faith that the rest will work itself out eventually.

You want to make it clear that you’ve toned down the pressure and that you’re taking things day by day. Once he sees that every conversation isn’t going to be centered around where he lives or what is going to happen with the separation, he may well call you much more.  When this happens, know that the goal is just to improve communications between you.  For now, that is probably the best place to put your focus.

Why? Because only when you establish a stable and regular communication pattern can you safely and effectively address your marriage.  If you aren’t even talking regularly or if it goes badly every time you attempt this, then it’s unrealistic to even focus on your marriage until this can happen.

However, once you’re talking regularly and things are going well, then it’s appropriate to look at that issue again.  I know that it’s frustrating to know that you might be looking at a gradual process.  But sometimes, that’s the situation that you find yourself in.  And you have to keep the end goal in mind – while settling for less at first.

At least this was the case with me.  I would have loved to have reconciled very quickly.  But the more I pushed for this, the more clear it was that my husband was never going to let this happen.  So I had to take the reconciliation off the table for a little while.  This allowed me more access to him and eventually I was able to put it back on the table at a later time.  We did reconcile, but not in the time frame I would have liked.  However, the gradual approach gave us time to build a strong foundation that has held firm.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on My Separated Spouse Has Told Our Friends Where He Lives, But He Won’t Tell Me. He Says He Loves Me But Trying To Save Our Marriage Is A Waste Of Time

By: Leslie Cane: Many people are pretty clear about what they need from their spouses in order to be happy in their marriage. And sometimes, the more unhappy you are in your marriage, the more you spell this out for your spouse. That’s why it can be very frustrating when your spouse assures you that you are going to see some changes and then nothing happens. You might be hopeful at first and then trying to be patient. But after a while, you can feel placated and can wonder for how much longer you can hold out for a change that might not ever come.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “quite honestly, my husband acts like a child sometimes. When we first met, I loved his playful personality. My family is very serious and never really focuses on having fun and enjoying life. So, my husband was almost like a breath of fresh air. But I assumed that once we married and started a family, he would grow up, at least a little bit. That never happened even though I have told him time after time that I need for him to be more responsible. I am the one who pays the bills. I am the one who plans for retirement. I am the one who makes sure our kids have what they need and are doing well in school. I am the one who sends cards to our relatives and cares for the sick. I am the one who makes the money in our household. I am the one who makes sure the gutters get cleaned out once per year and that the taxes get paid. All of my husband cares about is having fun and planning his next adventure. He still goes out with his high school buddies on Friday nights. And though he has held down a regular job, he will only do enough just to get by. He doesn’t care about advancing himself. Especially since I make good money. My husband thinks that all stress is bad and that he was put on this earth simply to enjoy himself. That’s fine if you’re seventeen years old. But he is a middle-aged father. I need more from him and have told him as much. And he will tell me that he’s going to stay home more and take on more responsibilities. He tells me what I want to hear. But nothing changes. I am seriously considering pursuing a separation. Because ultimately, I want a partner. Not another child.”

Frankly, I get a lot of comments that are quite similar to the one above. Usually, one of the spouses wants to change something about the other and wants to make some changes in their marriage but these changes never come even though they have been promised. This leaves the unsatisfied spouse feeling as if they are never going to get what they truly want. And they often take that one step further and feel like in order to truly be happy, they may have to end their relationship with their spouse. This makes many of them feel sad because many have invested so much time into this relationship and their marriage. It feels like you have wasted your time. And if you have a family, this isn’t a decision that affects only yourself.

Ask Yourself If You’ve Helped Your Spouse Explore Every Option: One major problem in this scenario is that the unsatisfied spouse begins to believe that change is never going to happen. They do this without trying other things like counseling, breaking the problems down into smaller ones and tackling them one at a time, or taking a hard look at their own expectations and seeing if any adjustments can be made. Ending your marriage or separating is a huge, life-altering decision. From my own experience, I can tell you that my own separation was by far the lowest period of my life. If I could turn back time, I would most certainly have taken our issues much more seriously and I wouldn’t have just hoped that my husband would stop pressuring me and would have been satisfied with the status quo. I would have aggressively identified the issues in terms of how problematic they were and I would have tackled them one by one with feedback from my husband.

Regular Accountability And Reevaluating Are Vital: Many spouses start out being very proactive but then things fizzle out. And that’s often because the spouses don’t regularly check-in and give feedback in order to discuss what is working and what isn’t. Counseling makes this easier but you can do this on your own if you’re very vigilant. Also, it can be tricky to identify what behaviors can realistically stay and what absolutely must go. For example, it was probably unrealistic to think that a man with this husband’s personality was ever going to become a straight-laced businessman who never craved fun. That wasn’t who he was. And that wasn’t who the wife fell in love with in the first place.

I think that all she wanted was for him to take a more active role in the responsibilities of everyday life. And this can be negotiated. But, for real change to take place, you need to continue to check in, reevaluate, give positive feedback when it’s warranted, and keep at the whole process until it becomes a lifetime of new habits and behaviors.

I know first hand what a challenge it is.  But I also know how important it is that you take this seriously and that you don’t get discouraged.  I am proof that real change can happen with determination and hard work. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on My Husband Refuses To Change. He Tells Me What I Want To Hear But Nothing Ever Changes

By: Leslie Cane: It’s perfectly natural and normal to want as much information as possible from a spouse who leaves the home in response to an argument, a separation, or just because of general unhappiness. Often, even if you know that this is coming, it’s quite difficult once it actually happens. If you didn’t know that it was coming, it can be shocking as well as upsetting.

So it’s normal that you would immediately want to know why he left you and for how long it will last. Unfortunately, many spouses who leave just can’t or won’t provide specific information. You often get very general answers which basically indicate that he just doesn’t know what the future holds just yet. That is why I hear from a lot of wives asking for my opinion on how long he might be gone.

So I might hear a comment like: “I have known that my husband has been unhappy for the last seven months. I knew that he wished that things were different between us. But I honestly never thought that he would leave me. When I came home from work last night and I didn’t find him home, I assumed that he was just working late or had gone out with friends. But, when hours passed with no sign of him, I started to get worried. He didn’t answer his cell phone for a long time. But finally, he called me back. I asked him where he was and he told me that he had ‘left me.’ I asked him what this meant and he indicated that it meant that he wasn’t happy in our marriage, so he left. He said he needs to take some time. Then he said ‘all this could change. Don’t be upset.’ Well, I was upset so I got off the phone pretty quickly. But this morning, his words keep running through my head and I find myself wondering what ‘that could change’ really means. What do you think he meant by this?”

I will try to answer this with an opinion, but I have to tell you that I am only speculating. Frankly, the only person who has any indication what the husband might be thinking in this case is the husband himself. However, husbands will generally hint or indicate that things might change when they are trying to reassure the wife that the separation may not last forever.

And there are a couple of reasons that he might want to do this. Sometimes, he legitimately cares what the wife is feeling and he has a good deal of concern for her. He regrets that his actions have hurt his wife and he is trying to say something to make her feel better and to let her know that her pain might be only temporary.

To take this a little further, some men know that their wife is going to want to call, text, or come by regularly and by telling her that things might change, he is trying to keep her from questioning him too much. It doesn’t always work. Many wives still ask him about his feelings and his intentions repeatedly. But, he’s trying to tell her that her asking isn’t going to change the fact that he may change his mind from one day to another.

Is This Is A Good Sign Or A Bad Sign? Wives often ask me if this whole “this can change” stance is a good sign. It can be. Because I hear from a lot of wives whose husbands leave, immediately file for divorce, and then proclaim that absolutely nothing can change his mind. This makes things harder. And it makes wives more discouraged because he’s drawing a line in the sand and is pretty much telling you that your attempts to change his mind are going to be met with resistance. That doesn’t mean that changing his mind is going to impossible. But it may mean that it is going to be more difficult.

Of course, him alluding to the fact that it can or might change doesn’t always mean that it is going to. People who leave their spouses do sometimes separate from and divorce those same spouses. But, they can also miss their spouse, come home, and reconcile. It really all depends upon why the spouse left and what happens between the two during the time that he has left the home.

Sometimes, they find that they miss one another and this motivates them to be more cooperative and to give a little more when it comes time to work things out. And some wives become very good at crafting the right strategy at the right time. Although you can not control what your husband feels and does at this time, you can try to set up the circumstances so that the time that you spend talking or seeing one another is pleasant, meaningful and leads to something else.

But to answer the original question, him saying that his leaving can change can mean that he’s trying to reassure you that things might work themselves out. Regardless though, his leaving likely still means he was unhappy and needs space. So it’s important to be mindful of this. It’s a good sign that he’s telling you that things may change, but it’s still a good idea to be mindful of your interactions and to do everything in your power to make sure that things go well between you.

I know that this is difficult.  My husband leaving me was one of the worst times of my life.  But, I can look back at it now and also say it was the stimulus that changed my marriage for the better.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on My Husband Has Left Me But Says That Might Change. What Does This Mean?

By: Leslie Cane: I know first hand that it is an absolutely horrible, terrifying feeling when you begin to feel in the bottom of your gut that perhaps your marriage is over. This is made even worse if the state of your marriage has brought about anxiety and unhappiness. You already feel bad enough. But when you begin to think of this actually being the end, you feel even worse. This is a vicious cycle because your being unhappy and upset can make it more difficult to save your marriage.

An example is a comment like: “over the past couple of years, it seems as if I have had one struggle after another. I had to move when my company relocated. And I miss my old town. I miss my old friends. I have felt very isolated and this hasn’t helped my marriage. My parents got divorced. My paycheck took a hit. Basically it was just one bit of stress after another. My spouse started telling me that I was bringing him down. He would travel to our old town to escape but I could not because of my job. My husband started to say he hated coming back home to me because he would go from a good situation to a bad situation. After a couple of months of this, he started just not coming home for weeks at a time and then months at a time. Last week, I asked him when he was coming to our new home and he said that he doesn’t think that he is. He says that I am so unhappy all of the time that it makes him feel unhappy too and he doesn’t want this. He said he thinks it’s best if we just separate for a while. I told him that he wasn’t making much sense and was being pretty selfish. He said he needs to start looking out for what he wants – not what I want. At this point, I’m starting to feel like this is the beginning of the end of my marriage. I think that my marriage might eventually be over. And now I’m more unhappy than ever. I know that in order to have any chance of saving my marriage, I have to show my husband the happy woman that he originally married. But quite honestly, I don’t feel like that same girl. That girl didn’t have all of these things to worry about. I feel stuck and trapped. I can feel my husband slipping away from me and this is absolutely heartbreaking. How do I shake myself out of this and try to save my marriage?”

Be Careful That Your Fear And Depression Don’t Damage Your Marriage Even More: I have been in a similar situation. When my husband began to pull away from me, I got depressed. My depression only made him avoid me more. As bad as this was, I didn’t really begin to get serious about making a change until I saw myself one day in the mirror. I looked so tired, worn, and just beaten. And this is when I decided that I needed to change some things for myself – and this was true regardless of what happened in my marriage.

Do This For Yourself: I believe that this distinction is very important because when you are doing it for yourself, it seems much more genuine and your husband is more likely to believe in it. I did get some counseling and this helped some. I would highly recommend this. But, I think what helped me turn the corner more than anything was taking a serious inventory of my life and determining where I was missing the things that used to bring me joy. I realized that I hadn’t been doing anything at all other than moping around and placing my focus on what was wrong with my life.

I was not placing any focus whatsoever on what was still right and on what I still had to be grateful for. I started journaling, did a lot of yoga, and reached out to family and friends who were more than happy to help me in any way possible. I also got really serious about no longer isolating myself because, for me, that is a sure path to depression. Sometimes, I accomplished this by volunteering or giving my time to others. I took on additional work projects that weren’t meant to advance me in any way other than the fact that I just wanted to do them.

I started saying no when people asked things of me that didn’t make me happy. I decided that life was too short to make others a higher priority than I was making myself. These changes made a big difference in the way that I felt and in the way that I was perceived by others. And I believe that my new outlook did help me save my marriage. But I am hoping that this information isn’t the only thing that you take from this article. I want for you to know that your happiness is very important. Do not put yourself last. If you need help getting yourself back on track, please get it. And don’t feel bad about this. It is normal when you have your life filled with stress. It takes work to turn this around. But you are worth it. And recognizing it is half the battle.

I know that turning the corner is difficult.  It was hard for me also.  But I guess at some point I just got tired of feeling lousy.  So, I made a point of doing at least one thing each day that brought me joy.  After a short time, this truly made a difference in both myself and in my marriage. (I actually saved my marriage after separating.) If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on My Husband Is Hinting That It’s Over Between Us. I Think My Marriage Is Over. What Do I Do Now?

By: Leslie Cane: After you have tried nearly every straightforward strategy to get your husband to call off the divorce, it’s natural to begin to consider strategies that are not so straightforward. People often consider using reverse psychology in order to get their spouse to consider making a change. One example is pretending to be happy about the divorce when you really are anything but.

You might hear a wife say: “my husband is probably only a few months away from making sure our divorce is final. He knows that I don’t want a divorce. He claims to feel awful about breaking up our family but he says that he just doesn’t see any other way. He has agreed to go to counseling to help our children deal with the divorce. I had hoped that the counselor would be able to show him that a divorce should be the last option. But so far, that hasn’t been working out. He seems to be determined to move forward. I have tried negotiating with him. I have tried begging him not to do this. I have tried promising him the changes that I know that he wants. None of this makes any difference to him. He says that no matter what I do, his mind is made up. Since my being devastated by the divorce doesn’t seem to make any difference to him, I’ve considered using reverse psychology and pretending to be happy about the divorce. Will this work? If I pretend to be happy about all of this, will he stop wanting to divorce me?”

This is a very common question and many wives try this. I can’t tell you that it doesn’t work because I used a variation on it that did work. However, I stopped short of pretending to be happy about us splitting up. My husband never would have believed that. I knew that I couldn’t pull it off. (And many wives who try this tell me that their husbands didn’t believe them anyway.)

Instead, I went to stay with family in another town. I guess you could say I was resigned to the fact that my husband was going forward. I didn’t pretend to be happy about it but it was obvious that I was backing off and was no longer trying to fight him on it. And this actually did give him pause. I believe that he was shocked by this and this disarmed him to a certain extent. And this pause gave me the opportunity to try some different things that eventually worked.

But I don’t think that this alone is what saved my marriage. I think that it was the work that I did after the pause which made the difference. I do believe that in some cases backing off of all of the opposition can make your husband stop and pause. Some will take this even further and they will pretend to be happy about the divorce.

They’ll tell their husband that they have suddenly realized that a divorce really is the best thing for all parties and she’ll try to convince him that she is now excited for the opportunity to meet new people and to just live her life without all of the drama. Many hope that this will make their husband uncomfortable and jealous, which will show him that he still cares about his wife and that maybe he doesn’t want a divorce after all.

I do understand the thinking behind this, but it isn’t without risk. It could backfire. Your husband could be relieved that you are now happy. Or, he could be a bit put off and distance himself even more. Or, he could one day resent that you were actually happy about this. That’s why I believe that the safer bet is to act resigned and accepting rather than happy. I know that this might sound like a small distinction. But I believe that it is an important one.

Because when you back off, it’s still clear that you love your husband and would like to save your marriage. So instead of claiming to be happy, you’d say something like: “I wish I could change your mind, but it’s pretty clear that you are determined to go forward. I am not going to keep pressuring you about this because its obvious that my attempts haven’t worked. So, I’m going to begin to live my own life and work on myself. I am going to try to be as happy as I possibly can with this scenario because I have to think about my own well being and that of our kids. I hope that we can have a good and continuing relationship for their sake. And I do wish you nothing but the best moving forward. I hope that you feel the same way. And who knows what tomorrow brings? But for now, I just have to back away.”

Do you see the difference? This may still give you that pause that you are looking for, but you haven’t lied and you haven’t tried to sell something that is so big of a stretch. Plus, your husband isn’t as likely to become angry or distant since you are still keeping your integrity and your feelings about this are more understandable than claiming to completely change your mind so dramatically to pretend that you are actually happy.

Of course, each marriage is different. I can’t tell you which strategy might work better, but I was always more comfortable stopping short of pretending to be happy. I knew that I couldn’t sell it. My husband knew I’d never be happy about the end of my marriage.

Honestly, taking a break off of my previous strategy did significantly change things.  It changed my husband’s attitude toward me and allowed me that tiny little way back in.  It was a delicate dance though. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When the last thing that you wanted was the separation in the first place, you are always trying to gage how your spouse might be feeling or what he might be wanting, at least in my own experience. In my own situation, I would even attempt to notice the smallest things that might tip me off as to whether or not the situation was improving. Because my ultimate goal was to detect that he missed me and might one day be open to a reconciliation.

You may already know this, but it’s often a little tricky to figure out how he might be feeling. You may want to just ask him, but the answer scares you. Or, you don’t want to make it appear that you are overstepping or pressuring him when the situation is already so fragile.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I am dying to know what my husband is feeling during our trial separation. He is the one who wanted to take some time apart. I miss him horribly. I find myself thinking about him multiple times during the day. I can’t get a read on how he might be feeling about me though. Some days, he seems almost loving. And other days, he seems distant and distracted. I might see him one day and I will go home and think that within a few months, we might be able to get back together. And then a few days later, his attitude might change and I will come home and wonder if I should start preparing my children for divorce. It’s just a roller coaster ride. I really want to ask him how he is feeling. I know that this might not be the best idea, but I can think about little else and I feel like if I just went ahead and asked him, I might feel a little more at peace. How do you say the words? What is the best way to ask him how he is feeling?”

I do know how frustrating this feels. I experienced the same thing. But I have to tell you that this wife’s hesitations about pushing him too far are exactly right. If you come across as pushing or as acting a little desperate, the situation can become worse and you may be left with bigger issues than wondering how your husband is feeling. So, I would suggest thinking about this and, if you are going to do it, try to do it in a very controlled manner.

Ideally, in time it will become obvious how he is feeling. As things improve between you, he should be more forthcoming with his affection and his emotions. I know that it is difficult to see him change his behaviors over and over again. I know that this frightens you and brings about doubt. But quite frankly, it is very likely that he isn’t exactly sure of his feelings and he might be feeling different things on different days. So, even if you were to ask him how he was feeling, you might get a different response on a different day, which might only confuse you more.

That’s why I would caution you about basing everything on his own feelings. Things do change and evolve during your separation. And, as a result, feelings can change. How he feels today may not be how he feels tomorrow. That is why, in my experience, the best thing that you can do is to try to remain positive and supportive. If you notice that your asking about his feelings makes him hesitate or appear uncomfortable, it’s best to stop and change the subject.

If you feel that you absolutely must ask him something to gage his feelings, I’d suggest trying to be more general. Instead of saying things like: “do you miss me and do you think you might come home soon?,” you might try something more general like. Here’s an example: “how are you doing right now? Are things going OK for you?” If he wants to share his feelings about you, the marriage or the separation, then you have left it wide open for him to do so.

But, if he doesn’t want to share or he doesn’t know how he is feeling, then this question is general enough so that he can just give you a very broad answer about life in general and it will still be fine. So, you are covered both ways, which I think is optimal.

I understand why you want to know. But in my experience, great care should be taken here. The fact that there are some days when he is acting loving should tell you that he feels receptive at least some of the time. It’s natural to see him act differently on different days. You just want to gradually see him be more receptive the more that time goes on. If you can set it up so that the two of you are smiling or being receptive most times when you meet, then you can assume that things are at least remaining stable. I know you’d like for him to proclaim that he misses you horribly and wants to come home right away. But if this is the case, he will often share this with you without your needing to ask and create additional risk and pressure.

I am telling you this because I made the mistake of pushing my husband about his feelings.  This only made him distance himself and it actually prolonged my separation. In a sense, I had to start all over.  But we did eventually save our marriage.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on Ways To Ask Your Spouse How He Feels During A Trial Separation

My husband is very open about the fact that he regretted leaving me.  And we are both grateful that he didn’t pursue a divorce.  We were able to improve, and eventually save, our marriage.  If he left and not been open to change, a perfectly redeemable marriage would have been destroyed.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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Comments Off on How Do I Know If I Will Regret Leaving My Husband?

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for your feelings and your perceptions to change when you are going through a marital separation. Sometimes, you wonder if your goals or wishes are still the same as things progress with your separation. This is a scary question to ask yourself when you’re no longer sure how you feel about your spouse or your marriage.

An example is the wife who says: “my husband has always been the center of my life. I have always felt like the luckiest woman in the world while being married to him. I am the type of person who thinks that there is one person for everyone and that is it. So when my husband told me that he wanted to separate, I was truly devastated. I truly didn’t want to think of my life without my husband. In the initial weeks of the separation, I called my husband multiple times per day. My goal was to see him each and every day. Basically, my criteria on having a good day was feeling that I was just a little bit closer to getting him back. That was my primary focus. During my separation, I found out that I have been accepted into law school. Not only that, but I have received a scholarship. Honestly, I considered turning it down because I wanted to focus on my marriage. But, my mother urged me to reconsider. She said that this was a once in a life time opportunity. So, I have started school. And since I have, I’ve been so busy that I no longer have the luxury of focusing on my husband every day. I am slammed with my work load. And, much to my great surprise, I actually am loving my new life. It’s very exciting to be making new friends. I’m doing very well in school and my self esteem is soaring. Now, I am starting to have second thoughts as to whether or not I want him back. He must sense this, because suddenly he is the one who is calling me every day. What do I do now?”

I always want to help people in this situation. Because in my own experience, I know how emotionally draining and how scary a marital separation can be. But, as much as I do want to help, this isn’t a decision that I can make for anyone. Only you know what your heart is telling you to do. However, with this said, it’s always my inclination to want to put off making such a huge decision when you have just introduced something new into your life. Emotions are high. Things can feel like an “either / or” situation when they really are not.

And frankly, who is to say that you can’t be in the top of your class in law school, enjoy every minute of your experience, and still be happily married? Quite honestly, situations such as this can sometimes improve things with your separation. When I turned my attention away from my husband, he suddenly became interested in me again – just like in this example.

Your husband may well end up supporting you and wanting the best for you in law school. And who is to say that you have to decide this instant or even relatively soon what is going to happen with your separation? I believe that a decision as huge as what to do about your marriage is not a decision that should be rushed. I never see the hurry in making these types of decisions. What is the harm in just taking things day by day and seeing how things unfold?

I usually find it interesting when I hear wives’ say “I’m not sure if I want him back” or “I’m not sure if I want to save my marriage now.” To me, if there is any doubt (and when you say ‘I’m not sure’ this means there is doubt,) then it makes sense to just wait to make a decision until you are sure as to what you really want. I hear from a lot of people who tell me that they deeply regret their divorce and this type of regret is very painful. That’s why I wouldn’t make any decisions until you are feeling more sure about what you really want.

Nothing is wrong with enjoying school and just seeing what happens between you and your husband before you begin the decision making process. Since you aren’t sure one way or another, I’d suggest giving it a little more time.

Frankly, I’m glad my husband gave our separation a little time before he made a final decision. I believe there was a time when he was very close to divorcing me.  But because he didn’t act immediately, I was able to make some shifts that saved our marriage.  And I believe that we are both very grateful for this.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Often, when you are separated and you feel that your spouse is avoiding or rejecting you, then you can tell yourself that you would be extremely happy just to see or talk to them.  So, you can go on a campaign to make this happen – asking about a face to face meeting every time that you talk.  Because it can sometimes take a while for this to successfully happen, you can understandably built up the importance of this in your own mind.  So when your separated husband finally agrees to meet but stresses that he wants to keep things casual, it can bring about a bit of confusion and disappointment.

Someone might explain: “for the first couple of weeks of our separation, my husband wouldn’t even take my calls. I finally got him to talk to me, but it was clear that he no interest in seeing me face to face.  I accepted this because I knew that I’d had such a hard time establishing communication that I did not want to put this is jeopardy. We talk pretty regularly now.  And I’m thankful for these conversations.  But, they are not enough for me. I want to see my husband.  I want to have physical contact with him.  I want to hug him and be hugged back and maybe a little more.  I have repeatedly asked him to meet me.  He always tried to change the subject.  Yesterday, I finally got him to agree to meet me for coffee.  I told him that maybe we could make a day of it, but he said he’s more comfortable just meeting and then “hanging out.”  I didn’t say anything but my thought was that you hang out with your friends and your buddies, but not your spouse. Now I am starting to wonder if he is only stringing me along. Hanging out isn’t something that you really do with someone that you love, is it?”

I know that this is disappointing to you because I know how we can tend to build things up in our minds during our separations. We are lonely and scared and thinking the worst. We want to have a romantic dinner.  We want for the outing to last all day.  We want some time together that improves things so much that we can finally have some confidence that it is all going to work out.  That’s why the whole “hanging out” thing can be so disappointing to us.  We can worry that this meeting is not going to give us what we want or need.

But I can tell you that accepting the small things that you are given can be a great strategy.  Because it allows you to get a toe hold on which you can build.  And frankly, “hanging out” and just having a casual good time together can be every bit as powerful as a more “formal” romantic outing.

Any time that you can just relax and laugh with your separated spouse, you have made gains.  And “hanging out” can help to keep things casual and ensure that the situation remains low in pressure.  This is vital.  Because often when we are separated and we put too much pressure on things.  And this pressure can cause some awkwardness and some disappointment, which is the opposite of what you want.

One of your goals should be to create some momentum.  And one of the most effective ways to do that is to start small and build.  Your day of hanging out might go so well that it leads to something else.  Sometimes when you are separated, you have to embrace baby steps.  You just focus on the next conversation and the next encounter because you do not want to look too far ahead.  You do not want to apply too much pressure.

I know that hanging out might seem like a step down to you, but it can actually be a wonderful first step.  I would embrace it and I would do my best to keep things as casual and upbeat as possible.  Because doing so makes it more likely that this will lead to more frequent and perhaps more lengthy meetings.  The idea is that you keep repeating this until you are seeing your spouse regularly and it is always going well so that you both look forward to it.

Sure, hanging out is a small step.  But don’t see this as a let down.  See it as an opportunity.  It is giving you your first opportunity to build on something.  And sometimes, that is all you need to get a reconciliation started.

Honestly, my husband and my “hanging out” was vital to the first steps toward our reconciliation.  Every time I would attempt to make it anything more than casual.  It backfired.  I absolutely had to take the laid back approach in order to get my husband to agree.  And it was eventually enough because we are still married today.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Few things are as scary as a husband who is threatening to walk out on you or pursue a separation. Many wives try a number of strategies in this situation. Some very nicely ask him to reconsider. Some are not above stopping just short of begging him to stay. Sometimes, when these things don’t work, the wives get frustrated and they sort of throw up their hands and tell him that if he is so miserable, perhaps he should just leave so that he can be happy once again.

So I might hear from a wife who makes a comment like: “honestly, my husband saying that he isn’t happy isn’t really anything new or earth shattering. He’s been muttering about this for a while now. But to be quite honest, my husband is a chronic complainer. If something isn’t perfect in his eyes, believe me, I am going to hear about it. So when he started talking about our marriage, I didn’t really panic. He always has one complaint or another. But in the last couple of weeks, he has stopped talking about it in general terms and he has started talking about it as something that he might actually take action toward. Last night, he told me that he may start looking at apartments. This really angered me because quite frankly, our finances are going to be stretched to nothing if we are paying for two homes. So I sort of snapped and I told my husband that if moving out and separating is what it takes for him to be happy, then that is precisely what he should do. I admit that my voice was raised when I said this, and my husband was obviously angry because he turned around and walked out. He has been avoiding me ever since. I realize now that I should not have snapped at him. But I didn’t now how else to respond. I’ve asked him to help me work on our marriage numerous times. I’m pretty sure he already knows that I don’t want to separate. I don’t see the point of begging him not to go because this just seems to be demeaning and not effective anyway. The thing is, I do want for my husband to be happy. But I’m not sure that leaving me is going to make him happy. He is unhappy about multiple things. And I don’t want for him to leave.”

I understand how this feels. Telling my husband that I wanted him to be happy was one strategy that I used myself. And at the time, this can feel like the right thing to do. Because after all, you do want for him to be happy. And, by taking this stand, you are showing him that you want to be his ally. You are showing him that you have no interest in standing in the way of him and what he wants. This is likely going to make him look upon you, and your marriage, more favorably because many men will pull away from a wife who clings too tightly or who tells him that there is no room for his self exploration or his happiness.

But when it appears that he is going to take you up on your offer, it can be quite scary. My husband actually did leave. And I wasn’t able to back up and then say “wait a minute. I changed my mind. I’m not sure that I want you to be happy after all. You can only be happy if you stay here with me.” Obviously, this wasn’t going to go over so well, so I couldn’t change strategies. Instead, I could only try to continue to maintain that it was vital to me that they were both happy while I was attempting to show him that we could be more happy together than apart.

Since this husband hadn’t yet left, you might still try to have a conversation about this. You might try something like: “I truly do want for you to be happy. I sincerely mean that. But I don’t want you to think that my saying this means that I’m fine with separating or your leaving. I’m not. It is not what I want. Ideally, I would like to find a way that we could both be happy while neither of us needs to take the very drastic action of moving out. I do not know how you feel about this option, but I’d like it if we could sit down and talk about it more before you move toward leaving. I want for us both to be happy. But I honestly think that if we work on the right things in the right ways, we can make it so that we are both happy living here together.”

It’s impossible to predict how the husband might respond to this. He may agree to stay put. Or, he might continue to think that he needs to move out. Don’t panic if he does. And don’t abandon your claim that you want him to be happy. He’s your husband. Of course his happiness is important to you. With this established, the next course of action is showing him that a happy life (with you still in it) is possible.

I do understand how vulnerable you feel when you’re afraid his happiness is going to happen without you.  But what is the alternative?  Allowing him to think that his staying is more important than his happiness?  That doesn’t work either.  I think that the best alternative is to show him that both are possible.  This was my strategy.  And it eventually worked.  If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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