Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: One of the things that people who don’t want to separate with their spouse are trying to avoid are questions that they don’t know how to answer. They will often dread people asking them about the state of their marriage or whether or not they are going to get a divorce. They don’t know the answers to these questions and they don’t really want to think about them too deeply, or even to talk about them.

One symbol that puts these feelings and conflicts into sharp focus is that of wedding rings. Many people believe that you should still wear them. I am one of these people. My opinion on this is that when you are separated, you are still married. And married people wear wedding rings. I believe that there’s a reason that the couple are separated and not divorced and should therefore act accordingly.

Not everyone agrees with me though. Some people remove their ring as soon as they declare themselves separated or have moved out. They feel that wearing it isn’t being authentic and they don’t want to pretend that things are fine when they are not.

This can lead to conflict when the spouses feel very differently on this topic. Someone might explain: “I have no intentions of taking off my wedding ring but my husband has already removed his and it breaks my heart. I worry that this means that he is going to be looking for other women during our separation or that he does not consider himself truly married anymore. I have mentioned these things to him, but he says that I am over reacting. He says that he just doesn’t feel like wearing his. I don’t understand this. I could never take mine off. I sometimes find him staring at mine, as if he wishes he could ask me to take it off. I don’t want to remove it because of what it represents to me. I am still hopeful that we will one day reconcile. And I don’t want to invite people to ask me questions about why I am not wearing it. I have no idea how I would answer those questions anyway. Plus, it is no one’s business. Is there any rule about whether or not you should wear your ring when separated?”

I don’t know of any rules. Most couples just decide on this based on how they feel at the time. I understand why you are upset. You feel that your husband not wanting to wear his ring is very telling in terms of his intentions. You could be right about this, but I would not panic. People’s feelings can change over the course of a separation. And, not every one wears their ring all of the time.

To be honest, there are times when I do not wear my ring even though my husband and I have been reconciled for a while.  It has nothing to do with my feelings about my marriage.  I do it for practical reasons and I’m never without it for the long term. When I exercise, it gets sweaty. When I cook, food gets in it. And when I shower, it gets soap scum on it. So there are times throughout the day when I take it off. And sometimes, I forget to put it back on. This certainly does not mean that I am not committed to my husband or that I’m looking for other men. Both are so far away from the truth that it’s almost laughable.

I guess my point is that not every one who doesn’t always wear their ring has bad intentions, but you would certainly know your husband’s ring wearing habits much better than I would.

I do not know that you can force him to wear his ring. And he certainly can not force you to take yours off. I would also think that the more you make a big deal about this, the more determined he is going to be not to wear it, which is probably exactly what you do not want to happen.

Of course, every situation is different, but I suspect that the best course of action might be to express your disappointment so that it is clear how you feel and then move on and just see what happens. As I said, often people’s feelings change during the separation. He may start out wanting to distance himself from you a little, but then he may change his tune once he sees that he is lonely or once he realizes that perhaps he read the situation somewhat incorrectly.

I know that this hurts. But I think it may be a misdirection of your attention if you place all of your focus on this right now. The ring is a symbol of your marriage, but it is not your marriage itself. And that is the most important thing right now. If you repeatedly make a big issue out of this after you’ve already told him your feelings on it, then your placing the focus on a secondary problem. And you want to keep your focus on what is truly important – trying to rebuild. Yes, it’s upsetting that he isn’t wearing it. But there are probably bigger problems to address that need your attention a little more. Plus, he might be experimenting with seeing how not wearing the ring makes him feel. He may actually find that it is not the positive experience that he imagined.  And he may put it back on without your needing to make a big deal about it.

I think the most important thing is trying to maintain positive contact.  I know it hurts to see him without the ring, but you don’t want to add yet another issue to what you’re already juggling.  I had to learn how to prioritize my focus during my own separation.  It was not always easy.  But it did help. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s very common for spouses who are separated but who still want to save their marriage to look for any good signs or positive vibes from their separated spouse.

Say for example, their spouse asks them out for coffee. They wonder if this is a date or if they are reading too much into this. Or, if their spouse asks them to accompany him to an important event, they wonder how much importance they should give this. But what if their spouse asks them to spend an extended amount of time together, like going on a vacation together? What does that mean? And, should they accept?

I might hear from a wife who says: “the first three weeks of our separation were terrible. My husband wouldn’t take my calls. He didn’t seem to want to talk to me at all. Then, at one of my children’s school events, we sat together as a family. And things seemed to change dramatically after this. My husband started calling me. He asked if we could eat out together as a family after church on Sunday afternoons. I felt good about this, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up too far for fear that he would start to reject me again. But I always saw him when he asked to see me and things continued to go well. Last week, my husband mentioned that his company is sending him to a seminar an hour away from where his parents live. He’s going to spend some time with his parents on the weekends and he asked if I wanted to go with him and bring our kids. He said that he knows that his parents would love to see their grandchildren and he says that we can hit the beach and probably have a good time. I am likely going to go because I feel that it is the right thing to do as a family. But I wonder what it means? Is it a good sign or is he only asking me to go because he knows he will be at seminars and he needs someone to watch the kids during the day? Am I reading too much into this? Should I just not go?”

I do believe that this is an encouraging sign. If the husband really did not want his wife to go but was only motivated by allowing his parents to see his children, he could always hire a sitter or even have his parents watch the children during the day. I wouldn’t think that a man would invite his separated wife on a vacation for baby sitting services only.

I can’t possibly know what the husband was thinking here, but it seems that the most likely scenario was that he saw that things were going well with his family and he wanted to take the next step. It was possible that he was using the vacation as a kind of test to see if the couple could get along and connect without the stressors of daily life.

If you are comfortable and excited about the idea of going, then I don’t see any reason to turn down the invitation. I understand your concerns though and I would have some additional ones.

My biggest concern would be that things would be awkward between you during this extended period of time. It sounded like the couple had only been together for very small chunks of time over Sunday dinner, so it was possible that they would struggle a bit with the awkwardness when they were together for longer periods.

And then there are tricky issues like how will you present yourself to his parents? Where do you sleep? Is this is romantic trip? Or a family trip that isn’t meant to be romantic? These are all issues that can potentially trip you up.

I don’t tell you these things to create anxiety. The last thing that I want is for you to be anxious. If you can set it up so that you and your husband can have a carefree, good time, then this may have serious implications for a reconciliation. I am bringing these things up so that you can hopefully think about and address them so that they do not become problems later.

Try very hard to make this a fun, light hearted time that isn’t filled with pressure. You want to avoid negative thoughts. For instance, if one day doesn’t go as you planned you don’t want to think something like: “oh this is hopeless. If we can’t even get along on vacation, then how are we ever going to reconcile?”  And you don’t want to think things like: “this is my one and only chance.  I have to make this the vacation of a life time or all is lost.”

Tell yourself that you are going to have a good time and to bond as a family and try not to read everything into this. Many separated wives would give anything to have this opportunity. So I would encourage to make the most of it. But I would also encourage you to dial down the pressure and to just focus on having a good time without questioning everything. If you can do this successfully, then the rest really should take care of itself.

Honestly, if my separated husband had invited me on vacation, I would have jumped at the chance.  I probably would have put too much pressure on the situation and sabotaged it though, which would have been unfortunate.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how I went from separated to reconciled on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who are starting to feel very discouraged because their separation has gone on for so long or things have been so volatile that it is starting to feel as if there is no hope. Sometimes, people recount situations where they feel disrespected and mistreated by their spouse.  Or, they indicate that the separation is starting to weigh heavily on him.

I might hear from someone who says: “when my husband left me, I admit that I didn’t help myself very much. I cried and begged. I became overly emotional. And I believe that I sort of pushed my husband away with my desperate behavior. He eventually started up a relationship with someone else. Some of his friends told me that he actually started seeing this woman before our separation, but he denied it. I refused to accept this and made a fool of myself. Things got so bad that my husband and I were fighting every day and I just got tired of it so I stopped calling. Weeks went by and I really thought that this was the end of my marriage. But then my husband called me and said that he was wrong and that we should try again. I was thrilled. At first, things were wonderful. It felt like our marriage was better than ever. But after about four months, things deteriorated and we started to fight again. He stormed out again. And now he is seeing someone else. Of course, I’m trying to maintain contact with him, but part of me feels like I am being silly and that this is a roller coaster ride that I just need to let go. How do you know when it’s time to just give up?”

This Is A Decision That You Have To Make For Yourself With Your Own Instincts: I have to tell you that I asked myself this question many times during my own separation. And I wish I had an answer for you. But honestly, this isn’t something that I can decide for you. This is an important decision that you have to make for yourself.

I can tell you my opinion, but quite frankly, if you don’t agree with me, then I encourage you to listen to your own instincts. Only you know your own situation, feelings, and wishes.

That said, my inclination has always been to suggest that you back away if this process has become unhealthy for you. I’ve had people email me and tell me that their spouse is cruelly critical of them, says or does things meant to hurt them, or disrespects them in a number of ways. I understand that emotions are high and that sometimes people say things that they really don’t mean in the heat of the moment. But I am talking about repetitive behavior here. I suspect that you would know in your heart if you are at this level. There is a difference between being sad about the state of your marriage and feeling sad about the way that you have been repeatedly treated when you see no end in sight.

By no means would I ever tell anyone to give up on their marriage. This isn’t my place. But I would suggest that if your spouse is doing something that is in direct contrast to what you know is your own well being, that you step away from the situation and reevaluate.  I’m not saying to step away forever.  I’m just saying that maybe it would be beneficial to step away for a bit and reevaluate.

Evaluating If You Are Dealing With Impatience Or An Unhealthy Scenario: In my own situation, I was being hurt daily by my own impatience. It hurt me that we weren’t together. But our inability to work through our problems was not because either one of us was disrespecting the other. And that’s why I didn’t give up (although I did take a bit of a break.) I knew that my husband was a good man. I knew that I was a better person for having been with him. I knew that being married to him elevated me most of the time. You have to determine if this is true in your own situation.

No marriage is perfect. Things go wrong. Misunderstandings make people do or say things they don’t mean. Separations are rarely fun or without pain. But there is a difference between couples who need a break and who still approach each other with respect and couples who continuously set out to hurt one another and tear one another down.

When You Can Use A Pause To Your Advantage: Sometimes couples get in a very destructive cycle where they were hurting each other and then reconciling so that they maintain a sense of control. If you find yourself in this place, I would gently suggest either making a decision to stop the cycle or to step back. I would never encourage you to stay in something where you’re being hurt or your spirit is being diminished.

I can’t make the call when or if you should give up. If I had listened to people who told me to give up, I wouldn’t be married today.  But my pain was due to things not going my way and not due to my husband being cruel or disrespectful.  My rule of thumb has been that if it was a previously healthy relationship that you still feel invested in, then all is fair game, as long as you’re not being injured by the process.

But it’s important to know when you are holding onto something that can potentially be healthy once again or something that has become unhealthy and can’t be changed. I can’t make that call for anyone, though. This is something that you have to be honest with yourself about or get input from someone who knows you well and loves you unconditionally. Or, if that is not possible, I’d highly recommend a neutral, professional third party such as a therapist.

When I took a break from my husband, I wasn’t sure how long the break was going to be.  But my mental health deteriorated when things went very wrong. So I chose to just live my life and see what happened.  But, in the back of my head, I knew that there might be a chance for us one day.  It wasn’t giving up.  It was turning my attention to myself.  And it was the right call at the time.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Having your husband tell you that he wants a divorce is right up there with most wives’ worst fears. And for most of us, as soon as we hear those words, we know that we are going to need to spring into action right away to try to change his mind. But what happens when your spouse says “he might want a divorce” and then seems to change his mind repeatedly. This makes it a bit more challenging because you don’t know how bad the situation really is and you’re stuck between wanting to react immediately to thinking that perhaps you should not overreact and only make things worse.

To put this into words, you might hear a wife say: “about three months ago, my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. I panicked and I begged him not to do this to us. I told him that we should go to counseling and do everything in our power to save our marriage. He said that he would think about it and he sort of dropped the topic for a while. Needless to say, I was incredibly relieved. And unfortunately for me, I was happy to just drop the subject. So a little time passed and now he is bringing up divorce again. I asked him why he seems to keep changing his mind. He says that he is not really changing his mind. He says that he’s always thinking that we should get divorced but he isn’t always motivated to go through with it because he’s knows that it is going to cause a lot of pain and expense. And that makes him wonder if deep down, he truly wants the divorce after all. I am not sure what to make of this. On the one hand, I am hoping that he keeps right on thinking this way and doesn’t pursue a divorce. On the other hand, I don’t want to just ignore this problem and find myself divorced later. But I am not sure how to address this when he can’t seem to make up his mind. What now?”

I will admit that I am probably prone to overreact in this situation simply because of my own past situation. I knew my husband wasn’t exactly happy and I basically did very little to address it, while hoping for the best. I ended up separated and almost divorced. That is why it would be my inclination to treat this as a situation where you are dealing with a husband who definitely wants a divorce – even if he may not act on it immediate.  You have to accept that he may well act on it in the near future. That way, you do not risk doing nothing and having to deal with an impending divorce later. And if you are wrong, the worst that happens is that you have tried some things which will hopefully improve your marriage.

Determine The Source Of His Unhappiness: The first question to ask yourself is why he wants a divorce. Sometimes, he is very upfront about this. And he will tell you exactly why he wants out.  Other times, he will only speak in general terms and you will have to make an educated guess. I have a lot of people who tell me that they don’t know why their husband wants a divorce because he won’t spell it out. I often ask them why they would guess that he wants a divorce. At first, they might insist that they don’t know. But when I follow up and say “if I could wave a magic wand and suddenly you would have the exact reason that he wants a divorce, what would it be,” you’d be surprised at how many people are able to come up with a very specific reason at that time.

If asking yourself this question doesn’t work, set your timer for ten minutes and then just journal on the topic. Write down every single thing that comes into your head. Go ahead and do this now. Once you’ve written for ten minutes and let your mind roam free, read over what you have written. And then just notice the sensations that you have as you read through. Why? Because often, when you read over the reasons and you hit on the correct reason, you will often have some sort of response. You will likely feel something that makes you know that you have hit on it. This might be discomfort or a sick feeling of dread in your stomach.

Addressing The Core Of His Wanting A Divorce: Once you’ve decided that you might be close to why he wants a divorce, it’s time to address this. You don’t need to panic. You know that he hasn’t filed and has expressed doubt about filing any time soon. So, although you will want to take action in a quick and methodical way, you don’t need to overdo it so that it comes on too strong or it reads false. You don’t want to do anything that makes your husband doubt your sincerity. You don’t want him to think that the change is for nothing more than for you to call him off so that you can eventually go back to the way things were.

Instead, you want for him to know that any changes you make are going to be genuine and lasting. You want him to believe in them because they are true. This way, you will know that when he does change his mind about a divorce, he’s not going to be revisiting this three months from now, because he no longer needs to.

As I alluded to, I tried to delude myself into thinking that my husband’s unhappiness would sort itself out.  It did not.  I ended up separated.  We almost divorced.  That’s why I believe it is best to address what needs to be addressed at the first sign of trouble.  If it helps, you can read the whole story of how my marriage went from nearly dead to revived on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you have any warning about at all about your separation, you often tell yourself that you are not going to be one of “those wives” during your separation. And by those wives I mean the wives who call their husband on a daily, if not hourly, basis. The wives who attempt to make their husbands feel guilty about wanting the separation. The wives who make it obvious how desperate they are.

To be fair, none of us want to be these wives. We truly don’t. We tell ourselves that we will take it one day at a time and that we will handle it. But, when the separation actually happens to us, we may find that we are not able to handle it in that the capable way that we originally envisioned.  The process is more lonely than we thought. It is harder than we thought. And handling an entire household by ourselves is often more difficult than we ever imagined.

To demonstrate, I might hear from a wife who says: “I honestly hate feeling so needy because of my separation. Despite how hard of a time I am going through, I still have my pride and my pride hates that I feel as vulnerable as I do. Since my husband has been gone, it is as if our entire family life has imploded. My son is having issues at school. Our roof is leaking. My husband’s mother calls me on a daily basis digging for information and I don’t have any idea what to tell her from one day to the next. My husband used to drive my kids to school while I would pick them up in the afternoons. He no longer does that since he lives across town. My kids’ school is forty minutes away.  This means that I spend three hours carpooling every day. Then I have to come home, make dinner, help with homework and get my kids to bed. I then have to answer their questions about what is going on with their father. I then fall into bed and cry myself to sleep. I am not sure how much more of this I will be able to take. I realize now that in some respects, I took the help that my husband gave me for granted. I now realize how much I need him and I want to tell him this but I am afraid that if I do, I will just sound desperate. And I know that he will not see this as attractive. How do I tell him I need him without sounding pathetic and needy?”

I get a lot of variations on this question. And the answer is tricky. Because as much as I want to reassure you and make you feel better, I can’t really tell you that your words are not going to sound needy to your husband because in fact they might. Husbands who want space will often be extra sensitive if they perceive that their wife is making demands of them or trying to make them feel guilty. (My own husband was one of these husbands.) So, it is entirely possible that if you were to just unload and tell him some variation of the above, he may in fact feel that you are being needy or demanding.

Does this mean that you have to just give up and keep your feelings bottled up inside? Not necessarily. But you may have to pick a time when you can share at least some of what you are feeling without it being too heavy.

At some point, your husband may share some of what he is feeling or experiencing during the separation. It’s normal for people to express how things can feel strange or foreign at first. When this happens, you may just want to say something like: “I know exactly what you mean. Some aspects of my life feel totally different right now. And I have definitely realized some things that I didn’t before. For example, I realize that I didn’t completely appreciate how much you helped me with the kids. It’s been a bit of a struggle picking up all of the slack because I was used to you helping me so much. I’m also not always sure how to answer your mother’s daily questions. Anyway, I didn’t want to pass us the opportunity now to acknowledge what a good father you are and how active you are in our children’s lives.  And I want to stress how much I value your help.”

Do you see what I did? I communicated a feeling of being a little overwhelmed with a compliment. This is one way to get him to listen to you. Since you’ve complimented him, he’s invested in hearing you out. And he is likely to be more sympathetic to you because of your approach.

Some wives may call this a cop out and say that you are sugar coating things. I suppose that you could say that, if you wanted. But you have to ask yourself what is more important right now. Saying exactly what you mean in a harsh way so that you risk alienating your husband and you risk that the separation lingers on? Or, putting things in a careful and deliberate way so that he has a better chance of listening to you, sympathizing with you, and possibly feeling closer to you?

I would argue that whatever gets you closer to be able to share your true feelings while still gettting your husband closer to coming home has to be the best plan. It’s unfortunate that I only understood this late into my marital separation.  If I am being honest I was one of those desperate and transparent wives for way too long. Until I finally woke up.  And then everything changed. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you can remember back to the early days of your marriage, it’s likely that neither person could do enough for the other. When you begin dating, it’s as if you want to do everything in your power to show the other person how much you care, no matter how much time, energy, or effort this takes for you. But, when you have been together for a while, this sometimes ceases to become the norm. One spouse may stop much effort while the other spouse may still crave it. Eventually, the disappointed spouse may ask for what they want – more reassurance, more attention, more effort. And the spouse on the receiving end of this might actually promise that they are going to do better and then, for whatever reason, not follow through.

That’s why I might hear a comment like: “I am not proud of this, but I have threatened my husband that I am going to leave him if he doesn’t put more of an effort into our marriage. He will make excuses for himself but eventually, he will promise to do better. He never does. The thing is, I’m not asking for the moon and stars. I am just asking him to be an attentive husband and to act like a man who prioritizes his wife. The older he gets, the lazier he is about this. He never wants to take me to dinner, spend any quality time with me, or show me that he cares. His ideal day is doing as little work at his office as is humanly possible, going out for a long game of golf with his slacker buddies, and then parking himself in front of the TV and even eating dinner on the couch. I don’t want to live this way. I don’t mind him having his hobbies, but there has to be a balance. I will tell him that I need more effort and attention from him or I might have to leave the relationship. It is only at this point that he will beg me not to go and tell me how much he loves me and that he couldn’t live without me, which is what I have been wanting to hear all along. Then, he will promise me that I am going to see big changes. I might see small amounts of effort for just a few days, but then he will resort back to his old ways almost immediately. I get so tired of this. To me, not following through on your promises shows a serious lack of integrity and respect and I’m getting ready to walk. Because I am just so tired of this cycle. How can I get him to do what he says he is going to do?”

There are definitely some things that you can try, and it certainly does not appear that you are asking for too much. At the same time, while you can attempt to change a person’s actions or habits, you really can not change the core of who a person is. What I mean by that is that while you can encourage your husband to become more affectionate and demonstrative (and pile on positive feedback when he does,) it’s unrealistic to think that you can completely change your husband’s personality so that it is more in alignment with your own.

Understand How Men Can Be Different: Men are just naturally less demonstrative than women. Yes, they can be encouraged and somewhat trained to do better. But it’s probably never going to be their natural inclination to be caregivers in the way that it is ours. With all of this said, if you need more from him, then you are well within your rights to ask for it. But, if you truly want to get what you want from him, then you have to understand basic human nature.

Understand Mirroring: People will typically respond by mirroring back what you are giving to them. What do I mean by this? If you treat your spouse with positive emotions, you will likely get positive behavior back. But, if you treat your spouse with negative reinforcement (like threatening to leave him when he doesn’t act in the way that you want) then you may get passive aggressive behavior in return, like what you are seeing sometimes right now. Please don’t misunderstand me. I think that you have every right to ask more of him. I just think that you might be going around it in the wrong way to ensure the best outcome.

Why Positive Reinforcement Can Get Different Results: It is possible that when you threaten to leave him, he feels criticized and rejected, which makes him more difficult for him to give you what you want. I would suggest that, to the extent you can, try to use positive reinforcement. When you present what you want, allude to a time when acting in that certain way gave him more of what he wants.  So you might try: “remember that time you made surprise dinner reservations and we hardly made it through dinner because I couldn’t keep my hands off of you? I miss those times. I wish we could do that again.”

He may not immediately go out and make reservations, but he might try to make more small efforts. And when he does, it’s important that you acknowledge and praise it. Tell him how good it makes you feel when he tries to express his affection for you. The reason for this is that it’s very important that he doesn’t think that he will never achieve your high standards. Because if he thinks this, then he may not even try. Instead, you want to give him small obtainable goals, praise him when he reaches them, and then just slowly raise the bar as he gains confidence.

The other day, I saw Patricia Heaton on a talk show and they asked her how she stayed happily married for twenty years. She recounted a story where her husband had told her he’d charged her cell phone and then proceeded to hand it to her while her hands were full and she risked dropping it. She said she had learned to read between the lines. Instead of being annoyed that he handed her the phone when her arms were already full, she knew that his way of caring for her and showing her affection was charging her phone for her. Sometimes, you have to look for these small moments and then praise them so that he wants to do more for you. As you obtain success with this, you will gradually ask for more and more, offering encouragement the whole time.

It’s unfortunate that I only understood this after my own marital separation.  I would strongly encourage you not to wait that long.  If you see problems now, then now is the time to address them.  If you find it helpful, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Hearing the news that your spouse wants a divorce can be absolutely devastating. But not being given all of the information – and not knowing what is driving his decision to divorce you – is so much worse. And the reason for this is that you can’t see what you are fighting against. If you know why he wants a divorce, then you can methodically approach each issue that he may have until none are left standing. But when you are fighting an invisible enemy, then this process is more difficult, but not impossible.

I might hear from a wife who says: “three days ago, my husband came home and, over dinner, very calmly told me that he wants a divorce. I literally dropped my fork. I was so not expecting that. I know that there are sometimes when we struggle to get along and I know that sometimes the intimacy isn’t there in the way it was when we first got married. But I never thought that we were headed for a divorce. Not once. After my husband finished his little spiel about wanting to end our marriage, I asked him a very simple question. I asked him why. He said he couldn’t really put his finger or any one particular reason and that it was the combination of non specific things that all equals up to the fact that he would rather not be married. Because of his refusal to give me a real reason, I assumed that he was having an affair and that there was someone else. My husband seemed very offended by this, but he would not confirm it or deny it either way. What does it mean when your spouse won’t tell you why they want a divorce?”

Honestly, it could mean any number of things. It could mean that he suspects that his reasoning doesn’t hold water and that he knows that when he tells you his pitiful or obscure reasons for wanting to turn your world upside down, you are going to poke some serious holes in his theories or debate this with him endlessly. Being told that he is wrong or participating in a debate likely doesn’t sound very appealing to him, so he may decide to keep his thoughts and his theories to themselves.

Or, he may feel that his reasons for wanting a divorce are completely sound as far as he is concerned, but he knows that you are not going to agree with him. He knows that you are just not going to buy whatever he is selling and so, to keep him from having to defend himself, he would just rather not engage.

Another possibility is that he himself is unsure of his reasoning. He may not have any really specific reason that he can put his finger on for wanting a divorce. Rather, he just knows that he is generally not happy and he suspects that he might be happier single.  In his mind, there is really nothing to discuss or to debate since he isn’t dealing with specifics.

I am not going to tell you that it’s not possible that there is someone else. There is always that possibility and this is not an uncommon reason for a man to abruptly indicate that he wants a divorce. But, I think that it can be a mistake to automatically assume that this is always going to be the case because it isn’t.

So what can you do when you can’t get a grip on his reasons for wanting a divorce? First, you know that things aren’t completely immediate. The divorce process does take some time. You aren’t likely to be divorced tomorrow, although I know first hand that this is how it feels sometimes. So, as best as you can, try not to panic and try to approach this in a cooperative manner rather than an adversarial one. If you take a stance of “I’m going to fight him every step of the way so that he can’t do this to me,” then the odds are pretty good that he is only going to want to finish this process more quickly just to be rid of all of the drama. Instead, you want for him to feel like there is no hurry.

Honestly, as this begins to play itself out, you will often get a sense of why he wants a divorce. And, even if not, you can pretty much always safely assume that even if the specific reason is not immediately obvious, he is probably acting out of his assumption that he’s going to get something that he wants by divorcing you – whether that is more happiness, or more freedom or whatever.

Your job is to attempt to show him that he doesn’t need to divorce you to feel happier or more at peace with himself. I know that this can seem to be a huge undertaking. But, you have to approach it a little bit at a time. You have to be careful not to apply too much pressure so that he doesn’t limit your access to him. You want to make sure that you have good conversations or face to face meetings so that he is open to the next one tomorrow or next week. In this way, you slowly begin to build. You slowly begin to change his mind.

I know that this process is slow and gradual.  I know that it is hard.  But I had to use the gradual approach myself.  And it was the only approach that worked.  If you find it helpful, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: So often, I hear from people who tell me that either their spouse is blatantly telling them that he just isn’t happy or his actions have made this so obvious that it is just impossible to ignore. Many of these folks feel that this is a little unfair because not everything that their spouse is unhappy about has anything to do with them or with their marriage. For example, he may not like his job. He may not like aging. But how is this his wife’s fault?

So I may hear a comment like: “my husband just turned fifty. He told me that he absolutely did not want a party or any big deal made about this. He is not someone who makes a big deal out of birthdays and this has always been the case with him. So, as he wished, I didn’t make a huge deal when his fiftieth birthday rolled around. I was going to take he and the kids out to dinner and I made him a huge cake. On that day, he texted me from work and said that he realized how meaningless his life was and that it hurt him that his wife didn’t care about his birthday. I was flabbergasted. Obviously, I do care. He seemed to get over that, but ever since his birthday, he’s been moping around saying how awful it is to get older and how he’s not as far along in his career as he would like. He says his body can’t perform like it used to and he gets tired and injured more quickly. When he says these things, he pulls away from me as if all of this is my fault. I feel that this is unfair. I’ve been trying to do things to cheer him up, but it seems as if he is absolutely determined to be miserable. I am worried about what his unhappiness means for our marriage. But then when I really think about this, it makes me realize how unfair all of this. I don’t hold my husband responsible for my happiness. That is my responsibility, not his. So why do I feel so responsible when he is unhappy? And is it right for me to feel this way?”

Why His Happiness Is Not Your Responsibility, But You Should Care Deeply About It Anyway: I hear this quite a bit, especially from women. I think that is natural and normal to feel responsible for the well being and happiness of our entire family because we are natural caregivers. However, this can take a toll on us if it is taken too far. Our actions alone can’t ensure that those we love will never feel disappointment, frustration, or pain. This is inevitable in life. We can’t live our loved ones’ lives for them. And even if we could, this would not ensure that they are never unhappy.

Here is my take on this. As a spouse who cares about your partner, what you can reasonably be expected to do is to provide a nurturing, secure, and upbeat home life that promotes happiness. (Because if you don’t, they may project this unhappiness onto your marriage.  This is what happened in my case and we separated because of it.) You want your presence and your home to be and conducive to happiness. You want your family to know that you deeply love and support them. That said, you want to encourage your loved ones to prioritize their own well being and you want to encourage them to change things or to seek help if they are not as happy as they would like to be.

Addressing His Unhappiness With Being Expected To Fix His Life For Him: You certainly can not be expected to shoulder the burden if something goes wrong at school or at work. You certainly can’t deal with the pitfalls that come with aging for your husband, although you can reassure him that you still love him just as much as in previous years and that you still find him very attractive regardless of any number on the calendar year.

If you do all of this and he still thinks he is unhappy, then it’s important to address the core issue, which probably has little to do with you. And one reason for this is that it is not uncommon for people to begin to blame their spouses for everything that is going wrong. This can most definitely affect your marriage, which isn’t fair to you.

I’d suggest a comment like: “I hope that you don’t mean this. I love you and of course I want your birthday to be special, but I thought that I was following your wishes. If I was wrong in doing that, then I’m very sorry. I know that aging isn’t always a lot of fun and I’ll do what I can to help you to minimize this, but I think it’s important to embrace the life that we have in front of us, because not everyone has this luxury. Is there anything that I can do to make this better for you?”

You ask this question in the hopes that, once he really thinks about this, he will see that your role in this is very limited. Sure, you can provide support and reassurance, but you can’t take away the aging process.  And you’re not responsible for his happiness or life satisfaction. Nor do you have any control over his job frustrations. You can only provide the most loving support and home environment that you can manage and stress to him that you have his back and are there to talk and listen if he needs it.

Everyone feels unhappy sometimes.  But it’s time to be concerned if your spouse seems to project his unhappiness on to you.  Or, if he feels that your marriage is a source of unhappiness for him, as was the case with me. Things got so bad that we eventually separated If you find it helpful, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: People often assume that if they can just get their separated husband to come home, then things are hopefully going to work out just fine eventually. They figure if they can just overcome that biggest hurdle of him returning to them, then that is the biggest of their problems solved. But many find out that getting him to come home is just the beginning. Because it is very common for the relationship to struggle once this finally happens.

I might hear from a wife who describes it this way: “my husband and I were separated for about six weeks. During the separation, he came over quite a bit to see the kids, so we were in regular touch. A couple of weeks into it, he started telling me that he felt ‘lost’ without us. So I suspected that he wanted to come home, but I figured that it was best to let him ask me about coming home, which he eventually did. The problem is that he is very formal around me now. He will give me a peck on the lips before he goes to work and before bed. But that is the extent of it. When we have sex, it is very mechanical and certainly nothing special. I had always assumed that once we got back together, our relationship would have improved significantly and it would almost be like a second honeymoon. It is almost the opposite of this. I talked this over with my mother and my mother-in-law and they both say that I expect too much after being married for ten years. The thing is, I have friends who have been married for much longer than this who have marriages that aren’t as platonic as ours. Am I wrong to expect more? Is this how it’s going to be forever? Is everyone right?”

Here is my opinion, although that is all it is. Your mother and mother in law are only giving you their opinion also. And they are likely basing their opinions on their own marriages, which are obviously long term. I do hear from a lot of people who tell me that their marriage changes with age, but not all of them are unhappy about it. And I think that this is truly the key – whether or not it works for you and whether or not you are unhappy in it, which obviously you are.

It is my belief that you get a chance to make the marriage that you want each time you interact with your spouse and this is especially true after a separation. But this isn’t always as an easy a process as it would appear, especially if you didn’t do extensive work on the marriage during the separation.

Many times, the couple finds that they miss one another and that they are no more happy being separated than they were living under the same roof. So, they will make the joint decision that the spouse who left should now come home so that they can live together once again and reconcile.

This all sounds good so far, right? But problems can arise when you realize (and start to feel the consequences of) the fact that you really never did anything to address or solve your problems. Therefore, the same problems are going to follow you through your reconciliation and make things awkward because of it.

By no means does this indicate that you need to settle for less than you want, though. It’s not too late to do the work. And it’s certainly not too late to work on serious improvements to your marriage that can significantly bump up your happiness level.

I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but I can not tell you how many people I hear from who are absolutely desperate to get their spouse to move back home when all hope seems to have been lost. They would give anything to have the hurdle of getting him home over with now only have the hurdle of bringing the passion back.

I’m not saying that you are petty to want the passion because you aren’t. This is an important part of your marriage and you are right to want it back. But getting the passion back is often easier than getting him to come home and it is very doable with a little patience and effective, hard work.

So to address the question posed, no, you don’t have to accept a passionless marriage, but I would suggest counting your blessings that he is home and then working very hard on understanding what caused the separation in the first place, and, once this is addressed, then address the intimacy and passion.

When my husband came home, the passion did not miraculously return.  It took time.  And it took work.  And it took taking some risks and doing things in new and different ways.  If you find it helpful, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are struggling in your marriage, it is perfectly natural to want to analyze everything that your spouse is saying. After all, you know that you are on shaky ground, but you just don’t know how bad things are or how bad things are going to get. So, you listen carefully to your spouse and you pick apart any phrase that he might say for clues as to his meaning.

For example, you might hear a wife say: “for the past several months, I have noticed that my husband has been treating me differently. He is just not nearly as considerate or as interested in what I have to say or in what I do. The other day, he completely forgot about something that was very important to me in my career. The event came and went and my husband didn’t even ask me how it turned out even though I’d been talking about the event for months. When I called my husband on this and told him how badly it hurt me that my own husband didn’t care to ask about something so important to me, my husband then sighed deeply and replied: ‘I just can’t love you in the way that you want me too. You expect too much. You are so needy that you are like a bottomless pit. I can not responsible for your happiness.’ I was so stunned by this. And honestly, I have no idea what he means by this. He loves me but not in the way that I deem appropriate? I worry that this means that he is going to leave or divorce me because of a lack of love. What does he mean by this?”

Any guess that I take here is only a guess. Only the husband might have known what he meant by this, and even he might be a little fuzzy on it since it was said in the heat of the moment and likely in frustration. I can give you some possible meanings and see if any of them strike a chord with you and then offer some suggestions as to how you might handle this.

He May Mean That He Feels That Your Standards Are Impossibly High: I have to tell you something that I hope you won’t find too discouraging. Men sometimes fall short of remembering those little details that we ourselves would never ever forget. That is one major difference between men and women.

It’s possible that your husband forgetting the event was very innocent and unintentional. Perhaps he had his own heavy load at his own job and it completely and innocently slipped his mind. So when you let him know how much he let you down, then he was just naturally defensive. And it was his natural inclination to attempt to get you to back up. One way to do that is to try to disarm you by telling you that you expect too much and that your expectations of his demonstrations of love are just too high for you to be satisfied.

Notice His Wording: His saying that he doesn’t love you in the way that you want him to is carefully worded. Notice that he didn’t say that he didn’t love you. Instead, his words focused on your expectations and your wishes. His whole intention might have been to get you to lower your expectations a little bit so he doesn’t feel like a bad husband.

He Could Be Preparing You For Something Else: I hesitate to even bring this up because I don’t think that it is the case here, but sometimes when spouses start saying things like this, they are beginning to check out of your marriage and they are communicating the same thing to you. This is why I don’t think that you should ever ignore a comment like this.

How To Respond: Frankly, you know your husband better than anyone else, so you might know the appropriate response better than I might. But I would suggest a comment like: “well, I certainly don’t get to choose how you express your love to me. I know that you love me. And I never intended for this to cause a rift between us. It’s just that this was very important to me and it hurts me that you didn’t even ask about it. Because it makes me feel like you don’t notice or don’t care. I am not saying that my feelings are the reality and I am not making accusations. I am just saying that this is how the situation makes me feel. I will try to be more careful about how I bring things like this up so that it doesn’t sound like an accusation. But I’d ask that you try to notice what is important to me so that I don’t feel like my problems are mine alone. That’s all. Because to me, marriage is about a partnership where two people have one another’s backs. I do not expect you to be my only confidant and to handle my problems because that is my job. I would just like it if you would ask about my experiences a little more.”

See if this can deflect the problem. If you still notice him making comments about your marriage or either of your demonstrations of love, then it may go well beyond the career issue, and then it is time to dig much more deeply.

It’s very important to follow up on this.  Words like this are often clues of something deeper.  I know this all too well because ignoring my husband’s sarcastic comments lead to my marital separation.  If you find it helpful, you’re welcome to read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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