Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for wives to have difficulty interpreting their husband’s mixed signals during a separation. This can be especially true if the husband is the one who initiated the divorce and now suddenly seems to be interested or receptive to his wife or his marriage again.

The type of comment that I might hear is something like: “I actually felt kind of fortunate that my husband initiated a separation instead of a divorce. For the longest time, when he talked about how unhappy he was, he would say that perhaps it would be best if we just divorced and saved both of us a lot of time, money, and confusion. This is the last thing that I wanted so I encouraged him to consider a separation instead. He was very resistant to this at first but he finally gave in, much to my great relief. I’m not saying that I like being separated, but I have always been clear on the fact that I think that a separation is better than a divorce. However, during the separation, he was very distant to me. He made it clear that he didn’t want me to reach out to him too much. Because when I would try that, he would always be busy or there would be an excuse as to why he couldn’t talk to or see me. This hurt me a lot. But I eventually got the hint because I stopped calling him so much and I focused on other things in my life. Luckily, I reached a point in my career where I had to spend a lot of time at my office and I became deeply involved in a work project. This took up a lot of my time and made me less lonely. So I was very surprised to come home one day and find a message from my husband. I thought that something must be wrong, but he just wanted to talk. After that, he began to call me more frequently. I am not sure how to take this. I enjoy talking to him. But I don’t want to get my hopes up because I worry that he is only lonely and just trying to fill the time. What could it mean when a separated husband who showed no interest before suddenly starts calling?”

Consider That The Frequency May Well Be A Good Sign: Well, I suppose that it could mean that he was bored if it had only happened once or twice. But the fact that it had happened several times now and showed no signs of letting up actually indicated to me that this went beyond just being lonely or bored. I know how it feels when you don’t want to get your hopes up. I have been there too.

Determining Where You Want To Go From Here: To me, it really comes down to making a choice. You have to decide if it is worth the risk to face disappointment for the promise of a change in your situation. And you have to search your heart for what you really want to happen. Yes, this wife was coping very well. Yes, she was staying busy and this distracted her thoughts away from her marriage and separation. But, it might help her to honestly look at her situation and decide if saving her marriage was still important to her. Because if it was, then beginning to just talk on the phone is a great place to begin this process. And one reason for this is that communicating effectively is a very necessary skill in saving your marriage and in keeping it healthy after you reconcile.

Communicating By Phone Is A Great Foundation On Which to Build: If you can regularly talk on the phone in healthy ways so that your husband is wanting to repeat the process over and over again, then you really are developing a foundation on which you can continue to build. Honestly, this wife seems to have stumbled upon a similar scenario to my own, which actually ended up working out in my favor. Once I began to back away from my husband and live my own life, he became a little interested in me again. But, I was hours away because I had visited friends and family. So, our communication had to be via phone, email, and text.

This actually worked out to my advantage because, since we couldn’t see each other or spend time together in one another’s presence, we missed one another – even though neither of us was admitting it at the time. But being limited to only verbal or written communication actually ended up benefitting us with a greater since of intimacy and a way to ease the awkwardness and that was certainly possible here.

I understood the wife’s concern and hesitation. Sure, the husband may have been calling for reasons other than missing his wife, but she wasn’t going to know that unless she opened herself up to this communication. And I don’t feel that there is any harm and waiting to see what is going to happen. With all of this said, I believe that it is often to your benefit to try to keep the conversation light and casual, especially at first. You don’t want to put too much pressure on the situation. As time goes on, and you are back on more solid ground, you can become more deliberate in your conversations. But when you are just reestablishing communication again, then it’s best to take it slowly.

I hope that this helped.  Try not to look at it as a risk, but as a new possibility.  I know that it’s hard to risk disappointment, but perhaps you will gain something else.    If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my own story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of us who have fought to save our marriages have hoped for nothing more than for our spouses to change their mind about the separation or divorce. We figure that all he needs to do is make a conscious decision that he does not want to end the marriage and all will be right with the world once again. However, the idea of this for the spouse pursuing the separation or divorce can be a dilemma that is not so easy to sort out. Spouses who have pursued a divorce and then changed their minds wonder if calling it off is even feasible, and, assuming it is, does that mean it’s the right call?

A wife facing this dilemma might describe this way. “My husband went back to his home town for a bachelor party and this started all kinds of trouble that has changed all of our lives. I didn’t want him to go. The guy who was getting married is just bad news and I had a bad feeling about the whole thing. However, we couldn’t afford for our whole family to go. My husband assured me that he would be responsible if he went alone. My gut was telling me not to let him go. But I did. Honestly, I was most afraid of him getting drunk and cheating. But one of his friends texted me a photo of him driving with a beer in his hand. I was absolutely livid. He is a father. And he was drinking and driving. My husband assured me that he had an explanation for this. He said he was just holding the beer as a joke. He admitted that he was in poor taste but insists he did nothing wrong. I don’t buy this. And I immediately filed for divorce. That was about three weeks ago. A couple of days ago, my husband’s friend who took the picture called me and said that the photo was a gag just to mess with my head and that my husband didn’t do anything wrong. He said that I would be crazy to tear apart my family over a photo that was a joke. I told the friend that it wasn’t just about the photo. It was about the fact that I don’t always think that my husband acts responsibly as a father and family man should. The friend repeated that I was being crazy and that I needed to reconsider. I was angry about this at first. But then I started to think about it. And if the picture really wasn’t indicative of my husband drinking and driving, then maybe I want to rethink my divorce. Can I change my mind? And if I did, would my husband take my request that he act more responsibly seriously?”

Anyone can change their mind. People change their minds about divorce all of the time. This article isn’t going to focus on the legal issues. I am not an attorney. But I’d highly suggest that you direct this question to yours. I know people who have asked their attorney to dismiss their divorce case. But again you should ask your own attorney what it would take to back out of the divorce.

As far as how seriously your husband will take you, I think the key is to make it clear that your calling off the divorce is contingent on him showing you that he is committed to acting responsibly without any exceptions. It wasn’t clear if this was a long standing issue between the couple or if the bachelor party incident was the main rift between them.

If this was a long standing problem (and I would suspect it was since this definitely pushed a button with the wife,) it’s important that you don’t just gloss over it. If you do, it will likely present itself at a later time and perhaps in another way. And, as a result, you might be right back where you are right now. I would suggest being very clear about what kind of behavior you will not accept and making your expectations clear.

But yes, people change their mind about a divorce all of the time. This is true even when they have filed already. This can even be true when they are far along in the divorce process.

The truth is, a divorce is a very big, life altering decision. Many people file for divorce in anger and in haste. But then they calm down or they gain perspective and they realize that perhaps this is not the right thing for them, at least for today. Many decide that perhaps they should at least try to fix their marriage before they take so drastic a step.  So they postpone the divorce and they reevaluate.

So yes, they do change their minds. I don’t think there is any shame in it. In fact, I think it’s much preferable to change your mind and then make whatever changes need to occur in your marriage than to go ahead and divorce and perhaps regret it and pay for that decision for the rest of your life.

My husband did change his mind about our divorce.  And I do not think he has ever regretted it.  But, we used this scare as motivation to completely change our marriage and that was vital also.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when you are reluctantly separated from your spouse, hearing the words “I love you,” can make you feel as if you have won the lottery. After all, when you never wanted the separation in the first place, you are looking for anything that might give you hope that one day, the separation might end and you might have your marriage back. But what happens when your spouse refuses to say these words?

A wife might write to me and say: “I honestly tell my separated husband that I love him all of the time. I have no problem saying these words. I want to say them. I want him to know that he is still loved. Sometimes, when we are having a very good time together, I almost forget that we are separated and I will wonder why he doesn’t immediately tell me that he loves me too in response. But then reality hits me and I realize that we have real issues and our marriage might never be the same. It’s somewhat strange because occasionally my husband will show me genuine affection which obviously indicates that at that time, he is having loving feelings for me. And yet, he always makes it a point of stopping short of actually telling me that he loves me. And he never goes out of his way to reassure me that I am loved. Why would he do this?”

There are many possible reasons that your husband might be holding back on verbalizing his feelings. Of course, I don’t know your husband. I’m basing my theories on communication that I sometimes get from men in this situation. Below, I’ll share some of the reasoning that some of us give.

He Doesn’t Want To Send You Mixed Signals: Sometimes when you are separated, you know that your spouse is reading a lot into what you do or say. And while it would be easy for you to sync your feelings with your behaviors and actions, you worry that this might be confusing for your spouse. After all, some days you feel quite loving. And other days, you are pretty confused. If you were to put your feelings on display each and every day, your spouse might see a different person every day and this may cause pain and uncertainty. And that why he may be holding back.  He realizes that this would be confusing or unfair to you.

He Doesn’t Want For You To Get Your Hopes Up Just Yet: I hesitate to bring this up because it can come off as discouraging when things might work out just fine. But sometimes, your husband may well be feeling loving towards you, but he doesn’t want to share this just yet. Perhaps he isn’t yet sure in which direction he is going to go. Or, he hasn’t yet made the decision as to whether he wants to reconcile or not. He may feel that it is unfair to allow you to hope that everything is going to fine when neither of you knows the future just yet.

His Feelings May Be All Over The Place: As I alluded to before, some days he may feel like he really wants to be with you, and other days he may feel somewhat discouraged. This is completely normal. And I’d be willing to bet that your feelings sometimes fluctuate too. So he may be holding back on displaying his feelings until they settle down into a stable pattern.

How To Handle This: I know that it might be tempting to try to force an “I love you” out of him. Because I know that you likely feel that you need and deserve to hear it. I know that you are looking for the reassurance that you need. But often, if you try to force something out of him, he will resent it. I know this firsthand.  It happened during my own separation. As a result, he will resist whatever you are trying to force. The last thing that you want to do is to set it up so that he is trying to resist his love for you.

Since you have no problems expressing your love, the next time you do so, you might consider something like: “I know that you’re not going to say it back and that’s OK. I don’t need you to say it in order to hope that somewhere deep inside, it is true. But for now, we don’t have to worry about quantifying it. I don’t want you to feel pressured to say or do anything that you are unsure about. I just want to enjoy our time together without expectations or judgments.”

I know that this might make you feel like you are making an unfair concession. But sometimes, you have to momentarily back away in order to make room for the bigger pay off later. Because when that pay off comes, then it is more than worth it and you are grateful that you had the foresight to have patience.

My husband didn’t tell me that he loved me when we were separated.  And I wanted this more than anything.  But after I thought about it for a while, I realized that my greatest goal was to get him home.  So if I needed to wait for some words, then that really wasn’t a big deal when looking at the big picture. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Often when wives are trying to get their separated husbands to come back home  one of the biggest questions in their mind is: “what is it going to take?”  What I mean by this is that they are looking for those magical set of circumstances that is going to make their husband want to reconcile on his own. Sure, they could try to wear him down or make him feel guilty, but neither of these things are ideal.  The real win would be to get him to actually want to reconcile willingly.

To that end, many wives are looking to nudge him toward the things that would make that a reality.  A wife might say: “I have only been separated for three weeks, but it feels like forever.  I can’t say that my husband and I are on bad terms.  We aren’t.  And I’m very grateful for that.  It’s just that he doesn’t know if he wants to be married anymore.  He’s respectful and nice to me, but he’s not sure if he is still in love with me.  I am trying to do the right things during the separation.  But truthfully, I don’t always know what those things are. What makes a man want to reconcile?  And how can I make my husband feel those things?”

I will share with you the things that I think contributed to my husband coming back to me.  But I suspect that it would vary depending on the husband, the marriage, and the situation.  This is only my opinion.  So take what I am about to say with a grain of salt.  But, of the men I see willingly return home (and this isn’t as rare as you might think here are the things that they seem to have in common.

He Misses His Wife And Family: This is probably the biggest indicator that a man might reconcile.  And it brings on other improvements.  After a while, a separated husband can realize that what he thought was freedom is actually loneliness.  It seems as if one day, these men decide that they’ve gotten the space they needed and, quite frankly, it’s no longer all that great.  When this happens, they find that they miss a stable and loving home to sink into at the end of the day.  They miss seeing the people who are most important to them across the dinner table.  When they realize what they are missing, they will often also realize that there were places they could have compromised but didn’t.  It is at this point where they are usually more willing to make the compromises that seemed impossible before. You can help to make this happen by not coming on too strongly.  Sure, you want to be in contact with your husband, but if he’s asked for space, you want to give it to him.  You want to allow him the time to miss you. This takes trust.  But if you push, he may end up wanting even more space.

He Sees Progress In The Core Relationship: Sometimes, once your husband starts to miss you, he begins to initiate more contact and more face to face meetings.  Since at this point both of you are likely missing one another, this is the point in the separation where real progress can be made.  People are more willing to compromise and to try to get to the real issues once and for all so that they can be a family again.  They tend to be more brave and forthcoming because now they know what is at stake.  You can help this along by being willing to compromise, by being willing to be a little vulnerable, and by being the one who gets the ball rolling – especially at first.

He Remembers What He Loves About His Wife And How She Enhances His Life:  As I’ve alluded to before, going through a separation and feeling the loneliness can start to change the way that you see your spouse.  You stop focusing on the flaws and you start to get nostalgic and maybe you explore the memories.  You remember that your spouse was once the most important person in your life who you thought was pretty perfect.  Many times, a husband will start to remember that you were the woman who drove him crazy with love not all that long ago.  He may start to see you quite differently and appreciate those things about you that he’d recently forgotten.

You can help this to happen by displaying the best version of yourself.  Ask yourself how far away you are from the women he first fell in love with.  This was a game changer for me.  And I’m not talking about looks necessarily.  I’m talking about how you carry yourself, what is important to you, the confidence that you bring, and the way that you make him feel.  The last one is vital – the way that you make him feel.  Often, before our separations, there is something that makes him feel trapped and unhappy.  And then when we separate, we make demands, we worry, we make him feel guilty, and we display our own desperation.  Try to remember the earlier version of yourself and ask yourself if she would act this way.  Try to portray confidence, playfulness, and a sense of cooperation.  Once he sees you as part of your old self, he can act differently toward you.  And this too can be an indicator of the first stages of a reconciliation.

I don’t want to imply that any of this was easy or automatic with my separation.  It was a long, difficult process.  But part of that is that I pushed too hard in the beginning.  I didn’t understand how to back up just a little.  Once I did, it made a huge difference.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most people who initiate a separation with their spouse do this because they firmly believe that it is the right thing to do at the right time to do it. Many wish that they could take the time that they need without hurting any one. But unfortunately, this is rarely possible. In order to have the needed alone time for yourself, you’ll often need to put distance between you and your spouse. This is often perceived as the only way. So you reluctantly go through with it. Sometimes, this works out just fine. But, other times, things don’t go in the way that you planned and you can regret it.

This situation could be described like this: “I have been with my husband since I was only fourteen years old. We dated all through out high school and college and then married about two years after we were finished with our educations. That means that I have been with the same person for well over half of my life. I do love my husband. But for the past couple of years, I’ve felt that there was something missing from my life. So I asked him for a short separation so that I could see if not living together would make any difference. My husband was crushed and begged me not to do this, but I did it anyway. I just didn’t see another way. At first, my husband called every day and begged me to reconsider. I missed him but I felt it was best to allow things to run their course. Over time, he started to call me less and less. Now, people are telling me that they see him out with friends. This worries me, so I’ve started calling him. He doesn’t always take my calls and when he does, he sounds somewhat distracted. He doesn’t seem nearly as excited to hear from me as he used to be. I feel him slipping away now and I realize my mistake. My own husband is losing interest in me and it is all my fault for pushing the separation on him. I deeply regret what I have done. And I’m very afraid I am going to lose my husband because of this separation. What if he’s met someone else? What if he realized he’s happier without me?”

There were a lot of assumptions happening here. And there are many possible reasons why the husband appeared to be moving on. He could have been responding to well meaning family or friends who told him that he shouldn’t just wait around for you. He may have been showing you that he too, can take advantage of the time and space that you wanted so much. Or, he could have gotten tired of feeling lonely and isolated so he decided that it would be in his best interest to begin to go out. None of these things mean that he doesn’t want to be married anymore or that he wouldn’t be receptive to a reconciliation.

I understand that you may be feeling worried and rejected right now. But there are probably some things that you can try in order to attempt to get an idea of what he is feeling. You’ve already been calling but how about asking him to a casual meeting for coffee? That way, you’re not having to read too much into his tone of voice as you can actually see his body language and facial expressions. Depending on how this meeting goes, the idea is to follow it up with another and then another until you are meeting regularly.

I know that you feel regret because you also feel fear. But, there is no way to take back the separation. You can’t reverse the past. You can only attempt to move forward as best as you can. I always tell people that one sure way to negate feelings that the separation was a waste or a risk is to make sure that you learned something from it.

The lesson for you might be that you do in fact want to be married to this man and you won’t put your marriage at risk again. Assuming that a reconciliation takes place, this certainly is not a bad lesson to learn.

For his part, your husband may learn a little more independence and it may become apparent to him that he isn’t completely dependent on you for his happiness or for his identity. This isn’t a bad lesson to learn either.

When done correctly, a separation which includes lessons, changes, and compromise can actually improve your marriage once you come back together. But this isn’t likely to happen if you are already accepting defeat, are filled with regret, and are assuming that you’re going to lose your husband.

Nothing has happened yet. You are still married. The future is still open ended. So it is time to begin to try to reconnect in the hopes of a future reconciliation. I’d suggest moving slowly. The separation was a lot for your husband to take in and it seems that he is slowly adjusting. You don’t want to throw everything at him at once.

Instead, just slowly begin picking up your relationship so that it will be obvious when it is appropriate to start discussing a reconciliation. Don’t get ahead of yourself, but start moving in that direction.  I think it can be a mistake to assume you will lose your spouse.  I felt this way during my own separation.  Yet, I’m still married today.  My separation actually enhanced my marriage.  You can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are extremely upset because they are dealing with two very serious issues. The first is that they are separated but they wish that they weren’t.  The second is that they had a chance to reconcile or get back together and it failed.  So now, not only are they still separated, but they don’t know if they will ever get a chance to try again.

Someone might say: “my husband and I separated because I felt that he was having an inappropriate relationship with someone at work.  He denied this, but his behavior toward me had changed.  We’ve been married for over 15 years and I know his behavior very well.  I knew that something was wrong.  When I tried to discuss this with him, it honestly made things worse and not better.  So I felt it best if we took a little break.  I honestly did not expect for the break to last for very long.  But weeks would go by without us talking.  I stayed with my aunt, who said I was welcome as long as I needed to be there.  Very slowly, my husband started calling again and begging me to come home.  I am not the kind of person who is going to cave in immediately, but I missed him so much that after a couple of weeks of his begging, I relented and came home.  Right away, things were tense and awful. I expected a happy homecoming, but what actually happened was anything but that.  We bickered constantly and it felt like he didn’t want me there.  I finally started asking him what was wrong.  At first he denied any problem, but I kept at him. He finally admitted that he has real feelings for the other woman at work, although he continues to deny any inappropriate relationship. I became so angry about this, that I packed my bag and went right back to my aunts. He isn’t me begging anymore.  When I do talk to him, he’s in a hurry to get off the phone.  Now I fear I’ve made a huge mistake.  By leaving the way that I did, he’s now free to pursue a relationship with the other woman.  Essentially, I gave her free reign to come and take my husband away if that is what she wants to do.  Should I just come home unannounced?  He didn’t ask me to leave.  I did that on my own.  My fear is that if I come home, things will be tense again.”

This is a tricky situation.  And it happens quite a bit.  These type of unfortunate situations are often why I encourage couples to seek counseling during their separation and to take things slowly.  It is a little more difficult to fix this then it would have been to rebuild a foundation before attempting to reconcile. However, none of this is impossible.  But because you perceive that the other woman is in the picture, you feel that you don’t have the luxury of time.  One way to try to get around this is to attempt to schedule regular times to get together (preferably to seek counseling or at least work on your relationship.) If you feel that your husband won’t want to do counseling, then you might try just asking him to support you in sessions for yourself.  This is a roundabout way to get him involved, with the hope that gradually as he becomes more comfortable. the counselor can incorporate the issue of your marriage.  You might also get together for coffee or dinner afterwards, but at least this way, you are working toward something and are laying a foundation rather than just hoping for the best while not making any real changes.

If he doesn’t agree to this right away, just try to wait without pressure.  Go back to what you did before when he was calling you regularly.  If you had success being patient and staying upbeat before, then consider doing that once again.

I know you fear that he’s immediately going to start a relationship with another woman, but him admitting feelings for her doesn’t mean that he’s going to immediately pursue her.  I’m not saying he can’t or won’t.  I’m just saying that it’s better to wait and see (while reminding him that he’s married with regular contact and hopefully counseling) than to just assume the worst.  She may not even be interested.  He may be the one with all of the feelings.

If you feel like it’s important to address this, you might try a conversation like: ” I want you to know that I do regret just bailing immediately like that. I really wanted for the reconciliation to work, but when you admitted feelings about someone else, I reacted to the fear rather than to logic.  I regret that.  But it upset me so badly that I wasn’t really thinking. I was just reacting.  I don’t want you to think that I am not interested in reconciling anymore because I am. I just have some real concerns that need to be addressed and I am not sure that either of us are qualified to do that alone.  I would love it if we could either go to counseling together or at least you could go with me when I attend.  It may or may not work, but if it doesn’t at least we will know that we tried.  I don’t want to give up on this marriage, but neither of us are mental health or marital experts so I think it’s smart to get some help.  I don’t want to continue on as we are.  We both know that we miss one another, but we don’t seem to know how to move toward reconciliation successfully.  How do you feel about this?”

Hopefully, he will agree.  If not, I think it pays to be patient and to try not to panic.  If you start pushing and panicking, you almost make it easier for the other woman (and that’s assuming that she shares his interest.  We don’t know that she does.  She may not want to become involved with him – even if he was willing.)

The hope is that eventually, he will miss you in the same way as he did the first time.  But instead of rushing, you will now have the opportunity to build a new foundation and work some things out before taking the leap to move back in immediately.

If my husband would have allowed me to move back in, I would have.  Looking back now, I think it was fortunate that I was forced to move a slower pace.  If my husband had agreed to rush things, I would have jumped at the opportunity.  But I suspect that, at least at that time, it would have been a disaster.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When my husband and I just weren’t clicking and were on the verge of separation, it seemed that anything that I said (even when I meant to say something nice or agreeable) was turned and twisted so that my husband would interpret it as my saying something sarcastic or mean. This got even worse once we actually separated. And I know that I am not alone in this. I hear from a lot of folks who describe the same thing and who do not know how to stop it.

Someone might say: “I don’t know how to characterize what my husband and I are going through. He has moved in with his mom. His excuse is that his mom just had surgery and she needs him, but I believe he is staying there just to have a break from me. I asked him if he considered us separated and his answer was ‘not yet. Right now we are just on a break.’ The main reason that we were not doing so well in our marriage is because my husband insists on twisting anything I say to make it look as if I am complaining or trying to engage him when I’m not. For example, he has friends who live up north who will always want to come down and stay with us for free. They basically plan their vacation around our free accommodations. At first it didn’t bother me, but over the years, it has started to really get on my nerves. They come down and almost expect us to cater to them when we are not on vacation and we still have obligations. A couple of weeks ago, my husband mentioned that they were not coming down this year because of their elderly parents. I responded that this was understandable, as we are all getting to the age where we have to care for our parents. I honestly did not say what I was thinking – that it will be nice not to have to put them up for free for once. But my husband twisted it all around and said that I never liked them and I never welcomed them. Then, he got on a roll and said that I do not like any of his friends and think I’m better than every one else. This is just one example, but there are many. I can commit that something we are about to buy is expensive or is a hit to our budget and my husband will respond with ‘are you saying I don’t earn enough money?’ I can tell my husband that I woke up tired because I had a fluke night of bad sleep and he will ask if our marriage stresses me out so that I am not sleeping. Honestly, it does not matter what I say. He is going to turn it around to start a fight and to make me seem like the bad guy.”

I do know what you are saying. This is very common when your marriage starts to deteriorate. Because both people are frustrated, they tend to give this frustration right back to the other. And sometimes, it comes out in the form that you see here – him trying to twist your words and perhaps start a fight.

When this happened in my own marriage, I handled it pretty badly initially. I would play right into my husband’s hand – getting mad at an alarming rate and asking why he insisted on twisting everything around. But I finally realized that this was not getting me anywhere. One day I was flipping around on the TV and I saw a program where a psychologist was advising couples to practice something called “mirroring.” And it was meant to address the very issue I was going through.

In mirroring, when you feel the conversation start to go off track, you begin to repeat back what your spouse has said (in your own words) to see if you are reading it right.

For example, let’s say my husband was angry and made an offbeat and hurtful comment like: “I’m sick of just staying home. We never go anywhere. It gets boring and depressing.” Now, my inclination might be to say something like: “well sometimes I am tired and I want to recharge and maybe save some money for once.” But in order to avoid a fight and to make my husband feel heard, what I should say is something like: “let me see if I am hearing you correctly. It sounds like you are saying that you’re feeling a little restless because you want to go out and have some fun but because I am tired, you are feeling like you never get what you want. Do I have that right?” If he says no, then I’d ask him how I misinterpreted it. If he says yes, then the next step would be trying something like: “well, I am not sure that I would be great company tonight because I am exhausted, but if you are willing to wait until tomorrow night, I think we can have a good time then. Is that acceptable?”

Do you see how you go from making sure you understand each other to then compromising? I know that this might seem unnatural at first, but it does work. And it is so much better than feeling the frustration of having your words twisted and then being tempted to just shut down altogether. It does take practice and determination. And you will often have to model it for your husband before he catches on. But once he sees that it means that you both feel heard and that you avoid problems this way, you might be surprised at how quickly he gets with the program. This takes time to become a habit, but it is the most effective thing I’ve found to avoid your spouse twisting what you have said.

Even though my husband and I have long reconciled, I still use mirroring today when I sense that either of us really needs to be heard. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: By the time that some wives contact me, they have already been told by their determined husbands that they are no longer loved. Some of these wives get up their courage to attempt to show their husband the flaws of this thinking or to do something to change his mind. They are often met with a determined statement by the husband that he is never going to change his mind no matter what the wife says or does.

I might hear a wife put it this way. “About six months ago, I began to notice that my husband was acting weird. My husband is known as a very happy go lucky, laid back person. It takes a lot to upset my husband. He has always been very good about remaining happy even when things weren’t going so well in his life. He is the type of person who always looks on the bright side. So that is why it surprised me that he seemed to change when there were issues with his job. I’ve never seen my husband act depressed before, but he definitely had negative changes to his behavior. He was distant, sullen, and moody. I tried to just be supportive and hope that it passed, but it didn’t. One day, my husband told me that he needed some space. I thought that he meant that he just wanted me to keep my distance at home. Come to find out, what he meant was that he wanted one of us to move out for a little while. I told him that what he was proposing was a crazy idea. I told him that he was just having a little stress at work and that he was overreacting. His answer to me was that he was not overreacting. Then he said: ‘I didn’t want to say anything about this because I didn’t want to hurt you. But I don’t love you anymore.’ Again, I chalked this up to the stress at work. I just didn’t react at all and I haven’t moved out. I have tried to be nice and supportive to my husband. Last night he said: ‘listen, I know what you are doing. You are being nice to me because you think that I am going to change my mind about loving you. But I’m not. There is nothing that you can do to change my mind.’ I am just stunned by this. I have friends who were separated and whose husbands eventually asked to reconcile because they realized that they loved their wives after all. These husbands definitely changed their minds. Is it completely out of the question that my husband might also?”

Why I Think He Can Possibly Change His Mind If You Approach Him In A Unique Ways: I think that it is absolutely possible. In fact, my own husband changed his mind during our separation. But, from that process, I learned something very important. When your husband has straight up told you that he is not going to change his mind, any plan to get him to do just that has to come from a place where he’s not looking.

What I mean by that is that your husband very likely has his guard up as far as you are concerned. He knows that you are going to make various  attempts to make him feel love for you. Since he doesn’t intend to change his mind and has told you as much, it’s possible that he’s going to do his very best to not be receptive to anything that you do. It’s possible that he’s going to do his best to make sure that he is proven right while you are proven wrong.

I know that this might seem very discouraging, but it doesn’t mean that your plan is impossible. It just means that you will likely have to come at it in a different way and in a way that he is not expecting.

A Different Approach: What worked for me (although it took me way too long to get a clue about this) was to make it look as if I had surrendered to the process. I conceded that I wasn’t going to be able to change his mind, so I wasn’t even going to waste everyone’s time by trying. I conceded that perhaps I would like having some time to myself also. I went out of town and reconnected with friends. I admitted that I wanted to maintain a positive relationship because I didn’t want to completely sever all ties as that was just silly. I said it was my goal to maintain a good relationship, even if that relationship changed.

All of these things were meant to encourage my husband to let his guard down so that he would be more receptive to me. Now, here is something that is very important to understand. This all can’t be just an act. You truly do need to focus on yourself. You truly do need to take the extra time and spend it on yourself.

Yes, of course your want your husband back. But what you are saying and doing must come from a genuine place or he is going to be able to see right through it. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that by the time I accidentally began my own process, I had decided to take a step back. I don’t think that I would have been able to pull it off if I hadn’t. But of course, at that time, I did not understand then what I understand now.

What I am saying is that you might consider backing away in order to gain some ground. I know it seems backward at first glance, but I have seen it work many times.

I believe that I was able to change my husband’s mind about loving me by giving him the space he wanted and by acting like the lovable woman that he first fell in love with.  I let go of the score keeping.  I let go of the desperation. And I just placed my focus on the two people involved without all of the external factors.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many of the wives that I hear from are happy to admit that their husband is a good man for whom they have a great deal of love and respect. Many call him their very best friend. They describe him as the person who knows and cares for them better than anyone else. They say he is the person that they most trust.  Many say that they don’t want to be without him. So what is the problem, then? Well, many feel that despite all of these things, they just don’t love him in the way that they should.

I might hear a comment like: “I have known my husband for half of my life. I have told him things that I would never tell another human being. I trust him with my life. I do not know what I would do if anything were to happen to him. He is the highest quality person that I know. And if I had to be stranded on a deserted island, he is the person who I would want to have with me. Without any doubt, he is my very best friend. I would be lost without him. The problem is that for the last seven or so years, I have started to have the thought that I do not love him in the way that I should. Do not misunderstand me. I do love my husband. Very much. But I do not have that weak in the knees, silly feeling that you get when you are in love with someone. There is a guy at my job that I feel that way around. When the other guy is near me, I literally start to sweat and my heart quickens. I have never had that with my husband. One of my good friends just got remarried. She says that every time she sees her new husband, she wants to rip off his clothes or fall into his arms. She laughed when she said this and looked at me like she thought I knew exactly what she meant. I don’t. I’ve never felt that way toward my husband. I’ve never felt lust toward him. He is very attractive and I am proud to be with him, but I think that my feelings aren’t romantic love. I am approaching middle age. Part of me wonders if I am going to spend the rest of my life without love. I have considered being honest with my husband and asking if we can remain close but not married. But I know that this is a crazy idea and unrealistic. This would hurt my husband deeply and I think that, because of the pain, he would keep his distance from me. The thing is that I am not sure that I could stand it if he wasn’t in my life. He is that important to me. What can I do?”

Why I Think You Should Fight For Your Marriage When You Are Already Compatible: I am going to sound biased because I am. I believe that you should fight very hard for your marriage.  I think that this is especially true when you have that rare combination of mutual love and respect already.  And, I hear from a lot of people who are separating or struggling because they don’t get along or are not compatible.

And yet here we have a couple that got along fabulously and were so compatible that they were best friends. I know that some people might be reading this and thinking “what in the world is she complaining about? It sounds like she has a good man who she adores. So what is the problem? She is simply asking too much.”

Can You Manufacture Romantic Love When You Already Have Compatibility?: I can see how people might think that this wife was asking too much, but as human beings our time on this earth is short. I can understand wanting to experience as much as you possibly can. And romantic love is one of life’s great pleasures that all of us want. I think the real question here is whether or not you can manufacture love if you start with two compatible people who are very fond of one another.

I actually believe that you can, but you have to make a very conscious effort to move slightly away from the friend mentality and to move toward the lover mentality. This takes a very conscious shift and it will require you to leave your comfort zone. Go on dates. Get dressed up. Really look at your husband. Compliment him. Focus on the feeling of your skin against his and really and truly take it in.

Understanding The Rare And Special Thing You Already Have: Finding someone who you genuinely love and don’t want to live without is rare. It truly is. So I would suggest doing whatever you can possibly do to ignite that spark.

I will tell you something that is true. I hear from a lot of people who are “in lust” with their spouse. Yes, they can not keep their hands off of him. Yes, the chemistry is wonderful. But the fights are equally as passionate. They take the good, but they have to also take the bad. Many are willing to make this trade.  But some can not stand the volatility and this destroys their marriage.

But I think that the much better option is to take the person that you already adore and bump up the physicality. Because that truly is the perfect combination.

I believe that romantic love rises and wanes.   It isn’t always lustful.  It isn’t always comfortable.  You take the good with the bad.  You ride the waves.  But you stick with the commitment, especially if you have mutual love and respect.  Because I have learned first hand that the grass is most definitely not greener on the other side of the fence. It costs me a marital separation to learn this lesson and it was very painful.   If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who are determined to hold out hope for a reconciliation even when others believe that they are crazy or delusional to do so. I can identify with these wives because I used to be one of them. These wives often want some reassure that they aren’t just grasping at implausible straws.

I might hear from one who says: “my husband pursued a separation because he said he didn’t want to be married any more. This is what he said to make it sound more palatable. But what he really meant was that he didn’t want to be married to me. Going even further, he meant that he didn’t want me anymore. During this whole separation, I have been hoping that he would discover that he wanted me once again. So far, I haven’t seen a lot of behaviors which would indicate that this is what is happening. There are times when he is pleasant to me, but there is really nothing beyond this. I told one of my friends about my wishes and she told me that my thought process was ridiculous. She said that separated husbands don’t ‘discover’ that they want their wives again. They either want her or they don’t. But they don’t ‘discover’ anything. I appreciate my friend’s honesty. I really do. I can always count on her to tell me the truth. But I find this so discouraging. Is it just not possible that, because he’s away from me, that he can discover that maybe he has some feelings left for me? Or am I just fooling myself?”

I honestly do believe that in some cases, both spouses can rediscover their feelings for one another during a separation. And the reason for this is very simple. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. It is difficult to take someone for granted when you are no longer living with them or you no longer see them every day. It is easier to see the good side of someone when you are no longer privy to it.

I can’t tell you that this happens in every instance. Sometimes, the spouse who initiated the separation really doesn’t change his mind or his feelings. However, every separation and every couple is different. I would not call it rare for a man to discover that he misses his wife and wants her back.  It happens every day.

However, I don’t like to leave this to chance. I can’t promise you that your actions can always control the outcome. That would be somewhat unrealistic. But I do believe that many times, our deliberate and well executed actions can contribute to our success in luring our husbands back to us.

For example, you can make it clear that you hope he changes his mind, but you don’t want to come off as desperate. You may also want to consider making it clear that although you miss your husband and are hoping for the best as far as your marriage is concerned, you are living your own life. I will tell you something that I have come to truly believe. In this case, confidence is attractive.

I understand that when you feel that your husband doesn’t want you, then you feel rejected. But when you feel rejected, you tend to project an attitude that you are not good enough and that the best that you can hope for is to just wait helplessly in the event that he changes his mind. In my experience and opinion, this is not what you want to project.  I learned this first hand during my own separation.

Instead, you want to do everything in your power to build yourself up, even when you think that no one is watching. Do you know why? Because if you can build yourself up and regain your confidence when you are in private, then when you are with your husband, you don’t have to pretend to be confident when you are really not. You can be genuinely playful and laughing and attractive because you really believe this about yourself.

When you are successful with this, you have a much better chance of your husband responding positively. The point that I am trying to make here is that yes, there is a chance that your husband will discover that he wants you again. But why not enhance that chance by giving him something wonderful, and something new, to discover?

Many wives tell me they don’t know where to start. I suggest only with yourself. For just a while, take him out of the equation. Do what makes you happy. Think about what you yourself respond to and what makes you feel pretty and confident. Because when you make yourself happy, this projects outward and this is attractive in a way that is authentic and very easy to pull off.

If I had given up hope during my own separation, I would no longer be married.  With this said, I didn’t stop living my life.  I focused on myself.  And I believe that this made all of the difference.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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