Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you are separated, your holy grail is your husband coming back home. Of course you are concerned with reconciling and with saving your marriage. But if you are like most separated wives, what you think of when you envision these things is your husband actually walking in the door, setting down his things, and declaring that he is home.

Most women envision that he will come home first before the whole “saving the marriage” process truly begins. This the ideal anyway. Because once he is home, you hope that you will have a captive audience and the whole process will just fall into place. It’s really nice when this happens. But not everyone has everything go according to plan. Sometimes, your husband may he open to saving your marriage (or who at least will be receptive to you,) but who will drag his feet on coming home. Many wives will think that this might mean that their dreams of saving their marriage are over or at least delayed. It doesn’t have to be this way. I lived apart from my husband while I was actually working very hard on my marriage. And eventually, I was successful.

I can understand and sympathize with the wife who says: “I have worked so hard to be patient and upbeat during my separation. There were times when I had to literally force myself to back up and to back off even when it broke my heart to do so. I did this because I felt like I needed to do whatever was necessary to keep the possibility alive that we could save our marriage one day. This was very difficult at times but I always thought of my long term goal. I was thrilled when I started to see some progress. I felt like I’d won the lottery when my separated husband and I went on dates. We started cuddling and being intimate again. Against my better judgment, I started to get my hopes up for a reconciliation. And this didn’t seem that far fetched because my husband started being very attentive to me. We started talking about the future. I honestly thought that it was appropriate to start to feel my husband out about him moving back in. I wasn’t over reaching. He had been talking about it himself. That’s why I was so shocked when my husband said that he wasn’t coming back home. At least not yet. He did immediately stress that he was open to saving our marriage one day. He said that he was encouraged by the way that things are going between us. He said that we both had reason to be hopeful. But he didn’t want to put pressure on us by moving back home too soon. I’m trying hard not to be too discouraged by this. We have gone out together since this conversation. Things seemed a little off between us, but not too bad. I guess I am just wondering if people really do save their marriages after their husband hesitates to come home.”

You probably don’t really need for me to tell you that yes, people do get back together and save their marriages even when their husband doesn’t come home the first time that he is asked. The truth is that reconciliations do fail when husbands come back home too soon. It is not at all uncommon. It’s happens all of the time. People try to force the issue before they have completed all of the work. It could be that your husband is just being careful to ensure that this doesn’t happen to you.

I know how you feel because I was desperate for my husband to come home too. It took a very long time before I started to make progress. In fact, I made many mistakes that severely delayed any signs of hope and I risked my marriage in the process. There were many times when I was tempted to beg my husband to come home, but I was afraid of the answer. So I vowed just to do what I could to work on our marriage while we were living in separate homes.

Slowly, deliberately, I saw progress. Even though I truly wanted to ask him when he might move back, I was always afraid to and I told myself that I would let him be the one to bring it up. His pace was much slower than mine. The wait was excruciating. I often wondered if I was only fooling myself and was seeing only what I wanted to see.

However, this slow pace forced me to really pay attention to what was going on between us and to really work on the small things that still stood in our way. This was very frustrating at the time, but it turned out to be the very best thing. Because that slow pace strengthened us. He did eventually come home, but not before we were both extremely confident that we would make it. And we have. So I’m glad we waited. I  You’re welcome to read more about this process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s understandable that when you come home to find that your spouse has left you, the first question you ask yourself is why. Some spouse’s are very upfront about their motivations and some are not. Sometimes, the reason that they give is even somewhat understandable and sometimes it is not. One  example of when it is not understandable is when the reason or excuse given is “I couldn’t make you happy.” This can either leave you tempted to insist that you are happy or insist that this is no valid reason to put your marriage in jeopardy.

A wife might say: “last week, I came home to silence and to nothing. My husband wasn’t there. Many of his clothes were gone. There was no note. I began texting him to ask where he was. Quite frankly, I was very worried. Eventually, he texted me back to say that he is staying with his coworker for a while. He says he thinks we need to live apart. I asked him why he would do this and his response was: ‘no matter what I do, I can’t make you happy.’ That response is absurd. I admit that our marriage has been rocky lately. In this economy, my husband had to take a cut in pay. This has made things difficult financially. I haven’t complained, but I guess my husband has seen that I’ve had a little difficulty adjusting. Also, we seem to be at different stages in our lives. I want to focus on my career and start a family soon. And my husband acts like he’s still in college – going out with friends and showing up to work tired the next day. I admit that I am not happy about this, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not happy in my marriage or happy with my husband. But, when I try to tell him this, he acts as if he just doesn’t buy it. Sometimes, he won’t even let me finish my statement before he interrupts me and once again insists that he was never able to make me happy and that I am still miserable now. I don’t know how to address this. I can’t insist that I was completely happy because I wasn’t. When I try to insist that I was happy enough, he disagrees. What now?”

Please know that this is only my opinion and it is based on very limited information. I wouldn’t use my own suggestion in place of what you already know about your husband and about your marriage. However, I would think that it is probably not going to be effective to keep claiming that you were happy. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t buy this and continuing to use it makes it appear as if you have no other valid arguments. I would suggest giving this a little time to calm down before you continue on with the debate. You don’t want every limited conversation that you have right now to be based on a disagreement or on debating the merits of your argument.

Instead, you want to give yourself something to build upon. That means that you’ll want to be pleasant and receptive when you talk to him. I know that this is going to be a challenge when you think that he is wrong. But I am suggesting this because I’ve seen this situation go bad so many times when the people involved couldn’t communicate in a positive way when they were apart.

When you are separated, there is so much potential for hurt feelings, anger, suspicion, and misunderstandings. If these things become intense enough, it’s not unheard for a separation to turn into a divorce for reasons quite different than the original reason for the separation.

You obviously do not want this. I understand that you feel very strongly that he is wrong. But you don’t want to harp on this so much that it turns into a huge disagreement that makes things even more distant between you.

Instead, you may have to agree to disagree so that you can get to the part where you start to strengthen your relationship while he is gone. This can be tricky and it often happens only when both people are receptive to one another during the separation.

I also think that it’s important that he sees you being reasonably upbeat and content. Because this will allow him to realize that you don’t need everything to go perfectly in your life to be happy. Dial down the criticisms and make sure you aren’t drawing attention to every single thing that goes wrong. Focus on what is going right. This is vital. It shows him that you are more than capable of making the best of things and that you can be happy even when things are going in the exact opposite direction than you had hoped.

There will be a point where you’ll need to talk about and work through his feeling that he is responsible for your happiness. Because he absolutely is not. But I would not have this conversation until the marriage is back on solid ground. And if you are successful in showing him that you are perfectly capable of providing your own happiness, this conversation won’t be a big deal because all of the pressure has been removed.

I know that it is very scary and frustrating when your husband isn’t home.  It’s easy to focus on the negative.  But it is vital that you focus on the positive.  He needs to see that you can cope even when things aren’t perfect.  Once this happens, you can begin to rebuild.  This is the process I had to use when I saved my marriage. You can read more about this process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: As women, we are often naturally affectionate. It is often not any effort for us to touch someone’s arm, offer a hug, or tell those who we love just how great we think they are. In fact, many of us feel that this is at least one reason why we were put on this earth – to enhance the lives of those that we care about and to make it so that they never question the fact that they are loved.

This comes incredibly naturally to us. And that is why it is upsetting and confusing to us when those we don’t do not reciprocate. This makes us wonder if they love us as much as we love them. And, if we are seeing this lopsidedness in our marriage, it makes us wonder what it all means.

I might hear from a wife who says: “This used to not bother me as much as it does today, but my husband never shows me any affection. It has been years since he has told me that I look nice. I can’t remember the last time he touched me unless he was trying to get sex out of me. It would mean so much to me if I could get a hug that doesn’t come before he wants to have sex.  The second that he is nice to me, I know exactly what is on his mind because it is so out of character of him. At times, he’s even cold during sex, which makes me feel inadequate. Now, I don’t want to be unfair and insinuate that he is cruel to me or anything because he isn’t. He takes care of the household stuff that I don’t want to do and he is a good provider. I never have to have the oil changed in my car or take out the garbage. So I know that he wants me to feel taken care of. The problem is that I do not feel loved. I don’t see that affection that is usually between happy couples. Sometimes, I wonder if there is someone else, but honestly, I can’t see it. Because I can’t see him treating another woman any differently than me and no woman is going to want him when he acts that way. He doesn’t show affection to the kids either so I know that I shouldn’t take this personally. But I worry about my marriage. Because it shouldn’t be this hard.”

I think it would be interesting to see if the husband also worried about the marriage. I’d be willing to bet not, but I would never tell you that you shouldn’t worry. Our intuition comes almost as easily to us as our ability to give affection. And it’s not uncommon for our intuition to be right. So if something is telling you that there’s cause for concern, then I would listen. I did not listen and it led me to a separation.)

Why Men Are Just Different: It is very common for men to have difficulty showing affection. They were not socialized in the same way that women were. Because they are going to be expected to grow up and be providers. Women, on the other hand, are expected to grow up to be caregivers. So we grow up in an entirely different way. Yes, these are stereotypes, but they absolutely exist. And that is why it is easier for women to be affectionate. They have been encouraged to do so their entire lives. Little girls cuddle and hug their dolls. Little boys are seen as sissies or as non-masculine if they do this. They are often outright discouraged to do so. And that can be why it is so hard for your husband to show you affection now.

I don’t tell you this because I don’t want for you to want more. You every right to want more. And I’m going to suggest a way for you to get more. But first, I want you to understand why your husband may be acting in the way that he is. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t FEEL the affection. It just means that he has a hard time showing it.

Offer A Reciprocal Arrangement So That You Both Get What You Want: To begin, let’s think about what he wants more of – likely sex, if he is typical. You want more affection. There has to be a happy medium. The next time he begins to show you affection and nature takes it course, you might seize the opportunity to make your point. Afterward, you might try something like: “it is always so nice when you are affectionate to me. But it doesn’t happen enough. I’d like it if you would kiss and hug me spontaneously sometimes and not always right before sex. It would mean a lot to me and I’d be willing to reciprocate by being the one to initiate sex sometimes. That way, we are both getting what we want without either of us feeling as if we are working so hard. What do you think?”

Now, I know that some people are going to read this and think: “why should I have to spell it out for him like this? Why do I have to be so forward?” The answer is because by spelling it out, you are more likely to get what you want. You can continue on as you are and still feel frustrated or you can take a deep breath and say what you need to say.

Make Sure You Applaud All Efforts: When your husband does do as you asked (he may not do it immediately or with the frequency that you want at first because it’s likely to be awkward for him) make sure you show your appreciation and make a big deal out of it. And make sure that you are not withdrawing your own affection out of frustration. You always want to demonstrate the behavior that you want to see from your spouse.

After repeating this process for a while, you should be seeing more spontaneous affection and because he’s not having to do all the work sexually, you are likely to see a transformation that will make you a lot happier. If you have tried this very methodically and he’s still not showing affection, then you may want to consider whether it is something more.

Honestly, I think that all wives want more affection.  I have found that it takes a lot of work to keep the momentum going.  But after my separation, I understood that this was absolutely vital.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I got my marriage back after the separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you never wanted to separate in the first place, you are often looking for “signs” as whether the separation is going positively or negatively. You are often looking for “good signs.” But even bad signs may give you some indication as to your spouse’s thought process. People are often hoping that the behavior that they are seeing from their spouse has good implications.

I might hear a wife say: “I have been separated for only a couple of weeks. I did not want for my husband to go. He read some texts between my best friend and myself. I was mad at him at the time and I said some pretty awful things about him. I didn’t really mean them, but once my husband read this, his whole attitude about me was ‘well if you really feel that way about me, we should separate.’ I don’t really feel this way about him and I tried to tell him that, but he wasn’t listening. He packed a bag and has been staying at a hotel. Today, he texted me and asked if we could meet ‘to talk.’ I am wondering if this is a good sign. I know that I can’t and shouldn’t refuse to see him, but I’m honestly afraid as to what he is going to say.”

Well, if I had any guesses regarding this, I’d be speculating the same as you. But, it’s my experience that there are probably only about three likely scenarios. He may have calmed down and gained a little perspective. Because of this, he may have decided that he overreacted just a little bit. In that case, wanting to talk to you would be a good thing. He’s probably just looking to clarify what you meant by the text and he wants reassurance that you don’t really feel what the texts would indicate at first glance.

Another scenario is that he is still angry and wants to either extend the separation or seek a divorce. I think that this scenario is less likely, especially since you have only been separated for a couple of weeks. Typically, people take some time and interact for a bit to sort of test the waters before they make any firm decisions about their marriage. Still, people can surprise you. So, while I don’t think that this is the most likely scenario, anything is possible.

The third scenario is that he just wants to see you without any hidden agenda or plan. He may be trying to establish communication. This isn’t uncommon. Many couples try to keep in regular contact while separated. They may meet and have coffee or dinner once a week. This helps them to stay in contact and attempt to evaluate their feelings as they spend time together. Your husband may be trying to initiate this process.

Of course, you are not going to know what his real intentions are until you go and have “the talk.” Try to approach it with enthusiasm and optimism instead of dread. Try to act in a way so that you are both comfortable.

When you are separated, its important to try to make each meeting and each encounter positive. That way, your spouse will want to see you again. And with each encounter, you make progress and are hopefully closer to a reconciliation.

At the same time, it is important to realize that, even if this goes well and his wanting to talk means that he is reaching out to you, then you still want to be very aware of making sure that this separation wasn’t for nothing. You want to use this as an opportunity to fix what is broken and to strengthen your communication and your marriage.

No matter what he says and whether it is positive or negative, don’t overreact. Stay calm. Know that having a good or bad meeting tomorrow may not mean that your marriage is completely saved or it is completely over. One meeting and one talk isn’t likely to have definite and complete implications for your marriage and your separation. But, it can most definitely set the tone. So try to keep things light and positive so that the next meeting may go even better.

There may be the chance that your husband wants to come home. As exciting as this is, resist the urge for him to come home with no questions asked and no work really done. I am not saying that you don’t welcome him home with open arms. But I am saying that it is sometimes a mistake to just end the separation and to close the door as to what lead up to it in the first place.

The hope is that this “talk” leads to more frequent and positive talks between you so that you can actually make sure that this separation ends up being a positive (and not a negative) thing for your marriage. You want it to be the thing that strengthens your marriage rather than the thing that ends it.

If you would have told me while I was separated that I would eventually realize that the separation ended up having a positive affect on our marriage, I would have called you crazy.  I hated every day of the separation.  I even hate thinking about it today.  But, I do have to admit that it changed my marriage (and the way that I look at it) in some very positive ways. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I got my marriage back after the separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s a very difficult position to be put in when it feels as if you must chose between your family and your spouse. After all, you feel like your spouse is family too and it feels as if this an unnecessary line being drawn in the sand.

A wife might say: “I will admit that I feel that my extended family is my responsibility. My mother is in ill health. So I take care of her and my father. I bought them a house right down the street and I cook for them and also maintain their household because they aren’t able to do it for themselves. They moved from the home that I grew up in to spend more time with me and their grandkids. We are very close. I would never turn my back on them. I admit that I put a lot of time and energy into their care. But, they did the same for me when I was a child. I feel like they are my responsibility. My problem is that my husband seems jealous and resentful of the time that I invest in them. He says that I care about them more than I care about him. He says that I put him last. He is saying that if he were to leave, I wouldn’t even notice because I have my parents to worry about. He says that he doesn’t want to be in a marriage where he is last. He is considering leaving me and separating. I am so hurt by this. I do not want to lose my husband. But I can’t turn my back on my parents. I can’t believe that he is acting like this. It is very selfish. I feel like he is making me choose.”

I understand why you feel that way. You are trying to do good. You are being a good daughter and you are following your heart. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. But, for the sake of your marriage and your own happiness, we need to find some middle ground here so that every one is happier and every one feels cared for.

Look At It From Another View: I understand why you feel like your husband is being selfish. But I think that a good first step here is trying to see things from his point of view. His message may come off as being self centered, but what he is really telling you is that he wants more of your time. He is telling you that he misses you. And that he too wants to feel close to you and as if he is a priority. These things are not unreasonable.

See If You Can Lighten Your Own Load: The key, I believe, is to find a way that means every one feels cared for and you don’t feel exhausted and like you are juggling plates in the air. Is it possible to hire out some of the care for your parents? I know that you likely feel very resentful at this because they are your parents and you feel responsible for them, but please hear me out.

There are likely tasks that you want to do yourself like their health needs but cleaning the house and providing some of the meals really could be done by someone else, freeing you up for more quality time for yourself and for your husband.

There are more options also. The two of you can sit down and discuss a reasonable schedule. Ask your husband when he would like quality time. There may be some specific days where he has other obligations and when he spends time with friends. Those are the times when you can be at your parents’ house without worry because that is time that you would not be spending with him anyway. The key is to get him to define what amount of time would make him happy and then to negotiate from there.

Another strategy that you can try is to attempt to get him more involved with your parents. If he can enjoy spending time with them, then that is time that can be spent together.

Of course, there is no substitute for one on one time with your spouse when it is just the two of you having intimate time together where you are focused on no one and nothing but each other.

It’s important that our spouse knows that, although your extended family is very important to you, no one takes his place in your life. He needs to know that he is important enough to you that you have no problem arranging your schedule so that he is a very obvious priority in your life.

With a little planning and finesse, I’m convinced there is a place where every one can feel cared for and happy. You are not wrong for wanting to take care of your parents. Many daughters who are adults must juggle this. No one is the bad guy here. The key is to find that sweet spot where every one knows that they are a priority for you.

I know that you may feel discouraged, but I’d encourage you to deal with this now before things get worse.  It is easier to work through your problems before they are still small.  I didn’t address some things in my own marriage and it lead to a separation.  It’s best to avoid this if you can.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I got my marriage back on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When your husband first walks out on you, it can feel like an awful abandonment. When he comes back, you can feel a huge sense of relief and you hope that the worst is over. The idea is that you can begin to heal and put this behind you. If that doesn’t happen, it’s quite disappointing. But it’s devastating if he leaves again. And again. It can begin to feel as if he is walking out on you at the slightest hint of any conflict and this can frankly make you question his loyalty and commitment to you.

A wife might explain it this way. “My husband and I have admittedly had a rough time of it lately. My husband found out that right before we got married, my ex boyfriend came and saw me and begged me not to go through with the wedding. We spent a night together talking, going to dinner, and just walking, but nothing sexual happened in the least. At the end of the night, I told my ex that I was still getting married and that I wished him well. My husband seemingly can not moved past the fact that I didn’t tell him about this. I regret not telling him, but I didn’t want him to make a huge deal of it – the way he is doing now. So that was the first time he walked out on me. And frankly, I understood that one. He came back after a couple of weeks later and said that he wanted to make it work between us. I wanted that too. For about six weeks, every thing was OK. There were days in there when things actually seemed to be back to normal. But then, we got into a disagreement about politics of all things and this escalated into a fight about how we are just different people and he stormed out and walked out me again. A week later, he came back. Again, for a couple of weeks, we treaded water in our marriage. Then his mother made a nasty comment about me and I asked my husband why he didn’t defend me. He told me that in many ways, he agrees with my mother and that once again, we have different values. So once again, he left our home. At this point, it is obvious that we are in an awful cycle. Every time we fight, he walks out. It’s at the point where I’m going to be afraid of having a conversation with him for fear he will get angry and leave. My friend says that I should tell him that he can’t come back home if he’s only going to walk out again. Is she right?”

Knowing The Risks Associated With This:  Telling him he can’t come back might be taking a very harsh stand, but I agree with the friend that there are obviously some issues that are not being worked through. Therefore, nothing really changes. Every one is relieved when he comes back home, but both people know that they are on very shaky ground. They know that the ice is thin. They know that they are going to tip toe around each other until a new batch of stress presents itself. And then they risk him leaving again.

I don’t have to tell you that this is no way to conduct your marriage. If things keep going this way, you will never have the sense of security that, no matter what, your husband has your back and you can work through your issues like committed adults. He may well have had a legitimate complaint with the ex boyfriend and that issue appears to be cropping up under the guise of the whole “we are not compatible issue.”

The Same Issue Could Be Coming Up Repeatedly Under The Guise Of Something Else: It’s quite possible that he is leaving and giving you this “we’re two different people” line in the hopes that you will say or do something to convince him that in fact, you are compatible and that you feel that the two of you are so good a fit that you are not sorry that you chose him rather than your ex. He’s not coming out and saying this with his words, but he is saying this with his actions.

Still, his actions are extremely damaging and this is a cycle that needs to be stopped. Obviously he has doubts about ending the marriage because he keeps coming back. But nothing ever changes. So I would suggest a dialog and hopefully more actions that address the core problem.

I’d suggest something like: “you know that I welcome you coming home. You know that I want you back home. But I just need to say that I think we have a much larger issue here. We keep fighting over things that don’t really matter. I suspect that we never worked through the issue that happened right before our marriage. I would like if we could go to counseling or work very hard together in order to move past this once and for all. It was bad enough that this hurt our marriage once. But it is continuing to hurt it over and over again every time you leave. We can’t go on like this. I want to welcome you home, but before I do this, I want your word that we will work through our problems once and for all and that, should they crop up again, we will sit down like committed adults rather than you leaving again. Can you agree to that?”

Hopefully, he will see that you are sincere. He needs to know that you really and truly have chosen him and not the other man. When he feels more secure, I suspect that he will be less tempted to leave at the first sign of trouble. Because learning to stay put and work through your problems is a very necessary skill in navigating a healthy relationship.

It is better to deal with the issue now than to wait until he leaves and perhaps doesn’t come back.  Recovering from a long term separation is much more difficult.  I know because I’ve had to do it.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled my own separation on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s not unusual for one spouse to be attempting to save their marriage while the other spouse is attempting to leave it. Of course, there are cases when both spouses mutually agree that it is best to end the marriage. But, those are not the folks who I hear from. Instead, I hear from those people (usually – but not always – wives) who are trying very hard to fight for their marriage while their spouse is strongly resisting them. Many start out with a good deal of determination but soon find out that being the only one trying to save your marriage is a lonely situation to be in. And you’re often left wondering if your efforts are going to be enough.

I might hear from a wife who says: “six months ago, my husband told me that he definitely wanted a separation but it was more likely that he wanted a divorce. This was upsetting to me, but not completely surprising. It’s been obvious that he isn’t happy. However, I do not buy that we could not become happy again with just a little work. My husband says that he doesn’t believe that things can ever be the way that they were between us. But I disagree. I’ve been trying to make him remember the important events in our marriage, but it doesn’t seem to do much good. He seems to be reasonably happy now. In fact, he seems happier living apart from me than he was living with me. This hurts. But I still believe that I can change this eventually. So, I’ve been going to counseling. I’ve been on my best behavior when I see my husband. I keep a journal recording the things I’ve tried and whether they have worked or haven’t. In short, I just keep at it every chance I get. But I worry that I’m not really making progress. I worry that one person alone can not save a marriage. Sometimes, I think that I am crazy for hanging on when he’s very clearly told me I’m wasting my time. Am I crazy?”

You are not crazy. You are dealing with this as best as you can. I know how you feel. I too set out to save my marriage alone. And I know that is a very lonely and scary place to be. For a long time, not only did I not make any progress, but I believe that I made things worse. The more it was clear that I was trying to change my husband’s mind, the more determined he was that I was never going to be successful with this. And the more he backed away from me. I will admit that there was a time when I backed away in frustration. Interestingly, when this happened, my husband became receptive to me again.

Why It Helps To Loosen Your Grip: From my own experience and from the people who I hear from in the same situation, I believe that when you get discouraged or wonder if you’re just wasting your time, it can be helpful to turn inward and, for just a little while, to focus on yourself. People are often afraid of this. They think that while their back is turned, their husband is going to forget all about them. But, you have to ask yourself what is going to be the harm of focusing on yourself when nothing is changing anyway. Your husband likely already knows what you want and how you feel. You focusing on your own needs isn’t going to change that.

And frankly much of the time, it will make you appear more attractive when you make it obvious that your needs are important too. He will respect you more and when you do come back to the table, he’s likely to pay more attention. Of course, I can’t guarantee you that this will always happen. Every situation is different. But when you are not seeing any progress, then I think it often helps (and rarely harms) to take a break.

I’d also like to encourage you by telling you that I’ve seen people have success when they were the only one who wanted to save their marriage. Of course, your spouse is going to have to eventually decide to cooperate by being receptive to what you are trying to do. But in my experience, this isn’t required during the entire process, especially at the beginning. People change their minds all of the time. You may have to accept very slow and gradual changes. You may have to back away when you are met with resistance. And you may have to have more patience than you ever imagined. Even then, there are no guarantees.

Knowing What Is In Your Heart:  If your heart is telling you that you are not ready to give up, then I don’t see the logic in forcing yourself to do so. You’ll always wonder if you gave up too soon. I believe that most people know, deep in their hearts, when is the right time to pull away and the right time to hang in there. As you are the one walking that path, then it’s up to you when to make these calls. People will tell you that you are wasting your time and setting yourself up to be hurt. But we are talking about your marriage here. It’s not as if you are deciding to give up on something that doesn’t matter.

I understand knowing that if the marriage is going to be saved, then you are going to be have to be the one to save it. This is a tough situation, but many of us decide that we’d rather be the lone person fighting for our marriage than joining forces in the quest to give up and walk away.   It may or may not turn out to be enough in the end.  But you won’t know unless you hang in there.

I know first hand that this is a difficult situation.  But sometimes, it helps to back away and not make any decisions for a while.  This allows you to regroup and not act on fear.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I handled this my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There is no question that a second marriage involving children often faces more challenges than a first marriage. Why? Because blending families and baggage often means that you have ready made conflict – sometimes conflict that doesn’t even have anything to do with you. People who already have one failed marriage understandably become extremely upset when something goes wrong with their second. And, it’s only natural that a child’s biological parents are going to feel the need to stick up for the child in the new, and blended family. This can pit a spouse against a child. And this can create a problem so serious that it risks the marriage.

I might hear from a wife who says: “I honestly thought that this marriage was going to be smooth sailing. I suppose this is very naive of me, but that is what I thought. In my first marriage, I admit that we were both immature. We did nothing but fight. It got to a point where there wasn’t any physical attraction left so I wasn’t really all that motivated to work out our problems. Well, when I met my second husband, sparks flew. That definitely wasn’t a problem with us. And we just seemed to have an instant connection. We got married right away. I love everything about him. The problem is that neither of us get along with the other’s children. My kids are really struggling with the divorce. And I have always promised my kids that if they work really hard, I will pay for their college. I had saved money for this, but we used some of that money to make a payment on a bigger family home, since he has kids too. My new husband has to pay a substantial amount of child support, so he says we can not afford to pay for any of the kids’ college. I told him that this wasn’t fair. My kids have already been through too much for me to tell them they can’t go to college or they have to work incredibly hard when they have already put in their time. He won’t even negotiate about this. He told me that I’m crazy if I think that we’re going to financially support any of our children. His kids text both him and me asking for material things constantly. He always caves. My children never ask him for anything. They don’t particularly like him. Last week, my daughter asked for money for a homecoming dress. I’m going to be honest and say that I gave her the money in secret. I knew my husband would freak out if he knew. Well, somehow he found out about it and he told me that I have to choose between him and my kids. He said he only wants to be financially responsible for his own kids and that their father needs to pay for their extras. He says he won’t stay married to me if this isn’t the agreed upon arrangement. What am I going to do? I can’t turn my back on my children. I won’t do that. Their father does help out, but finances are always tight. And I don’t want to be a twice divorced middle aged woman either.”

This is a very difficult situation. I don’t mean or want to lay on the guilt. But I have to tell you that I went through a similar situation when my own parents divorced. I can’t tell you how painful it is to be the child in that situation. Don’t for a second think that your kids don’t know what is going on. They do know. And it hurts them badly. They feel responsible and they feel as if everything that is happening is all their fault. And they are dealing with the pain of their parents’ divorce at the same time that they are feeling rejected by their new step parent. It is a lot to juggle.

I know that it is very common for the members of a new household to struggle when trying to come up with a plan that works for everyone. But I don’t think it’s ever right to try to pit a child against an adult. And I don’t think it’s ever right for your spouse to ask that you reject your child in order to accept him. That’s just not healthy and it will erode both your relationship with your child and your relationship with your new spouse.

I would definitely highly recommend counseling here because a neutral third party could help both of you see what is reasonable and appropriate and what is not. The counselor could also suggest compromises that would be more likely to work for everyone.

I know that you will likely get rejection from him because of finances. So you may try something like: “honey, you know that this marriage is extremely important to me. I am determined to make things work. I made many mistakes in my first marriage and I do not want to repeat them here. One of the things I did then was allow my problems to magnify until they were too big to work out. I don’t want to do that this time around. I want to address our problems while they are still manageable. That’s why I think it’s a good idea to go to family counseling. I know that money is tight. But I think I could do some research and find an inexpensive alternative through church or our kids’ school. It’s very important to me that all of our kids feel loved and secure and I worry that this is not the way that we are headed. I want this marriage to be healthy and happy for all involved. Will you work with me to make that happen?”

I do want to stress that I’m not saying the husband in this scenario is a bad guy. He is likely overwhelmed financially and he is trying to get his new wife to meet him half way (although he is going about this in a destructive way.) So I think it’s important to make him understand that you want to work with him, but not ever at the expense of your own children.

Financial issues are very common right now. But the thing is, one day all of your children (yours and his) will one day be adults with their own families. You just have to get through this in the near future and then it will be an issue that doesn’t repeat itself. So it’s important not to let this ruin your marriage because calmer waters are likely ahead.

I know first hand that this is a difficult situation.  But it is workable if you stress communication and compromise.  Once your marriage reaches the point of damage, it is hard to reign it back in.  I know this firsthand also.  I didn’t address my martial issues until I ended up separated.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many wives fear the marital separation like almost nothing else. Few people want to live alone. And few people like to face the unknown. Frankly, there is some comfort in knowing that someone is going to be there when you come home at night and that tomorrow is going to look a lot like yesterday. So when something happens to push a separation on you, it’s often your greatest hope that it ends as soon as possible so that you can get back to regular, comfortable, and predictable life. You hope that in just a few short weeks, he will miss you, come home, and stop this nonsense. So when this doesn’t happen, it can be quite devastating.

I might her from someone who says: “knowing that I had no choice in the separation was the worst part about it. Being alone is no fun either. The only way that I consoled myself about this was with the thought that if I was patient and gave my husband a couple of weeks, then he was going to start missing me and wanting to come home. I figured that I could deal with anything for a couple of weeks. Well, it has been two and a half weeks and my husband is mostly still avoiding me. We were talking on the phone last night and I asked him if his feelings about me, our marriage, or the separation have changed. His response to me was ‘not really. I still need time. Nothing has changed.’ This was incredibly disappointing to me. He needed time and I gave him that time and now I am starting to think that either it’s going to be a much longer time until he comes back or he is not going to come back at all. I feel so let down. And now I’m facing a situation where I have to tolerate this longer than I originally thought. I don’t know how I’m going to fill the time.”

Why Patience Is Often The Best Call: This is a very common situation. Often, in the initial stages of the separation, we console ourselves with the thought that hopefully, this will all be over before we know it. But, our husband’s time line can be much different from ours. And you have a choice here. You can get discouraged and frustrated and begin to believe that he is never coming home. Or, you can decide to get busy so that the time goes by faster. Here is something that I can tell you with a good deal of certainly. If you become angry or point out how this isn’t fair and then try to pressure your husband to stop being silly or selfish and to come home immediately, then you’ve often almost assured yourself that he is going to drag his feet in doing it. No one likes to be told what to do, much less a grown man.

I know that a few weeks seems like an eternity to you. (It seemed like an eternity to me too.) But, in the grand scheme of things, that is not very long. Much to my dismay, my separation went on for much longer than this. My husband perceived that he needed time on his own and that he was going to wait until it was clear to him that either he was ready to come home or he was ready to pursue something else. Was this scary and frustrating to me? You bet it was. And I did many things that I came to regret out of sadness and frustration But I started to notice a pattern. Every time I’d try to pressure him to come home, he pulled away from me. And that made things worse. And that meant that he would be away for an even longer period of time. So, after seeing this pattern for a while, I decided to stop obsessing on the time. It was a huge challenge. But I firmly believe that this is one reason why I am still married today.

The truth is, my husband wasn’t yet ready to make a decision. And my pressuring him would have pushed him to make a decision that I didn’t like. By waiting, I gave myself the chance that one day, he would feel differently and come home. But I knew if I had proclaimed I wasn’t waiting any longer, then he would have ultimately decided on a divorce. I figured as long as I didn’t force his hand, I at least had a chance that he would one day come around.

I know that keeping yourself busy when you’re alone can be a huge challenge. That said, it is so important. If it is clear to your husband that you are sitting at home and just waiting on his next move, then he doesn’t have any incentive to move any faster. And frankly, this paints you in a light that is not so attractive. But, if you go out with friends, pursue things you love, and stay busy trying to work on yourself, then you are going to appear a lot more attractive to him and your busyness is going to ensure that you’re less likely to pressure him.

You Can Set It Up So He Is More Likely To Want To Come Home: I’d like to make one more point. Although this is his decision and you can’t make it for him, you can set up the circumstances that are favorable to him wanting to be closer to you. Think about it for a second. If you are abrasive, restless, and putting the pressure on him, how likely do you think it is that he is going to look upon you favorably enough to want to come home? But if you try to focus on the positive and are coping, busy, and laid back, isn’t it much more likely that he is going to want to be closer to you?

I don’t say this to lay any blame or to tell you that you are doing things wrong. I just want to make it clear that the more you pressure and show how unhappy you are with this timeline, the more likely that the time line isn’t going to be shortened any. I know it’s very hard to keep busy, but I found that keeping busy was the thing that made the separation tolerable and it was a contributing factor to my husband becoming interested in me again.   If it helps, you’re welcome to read more my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who want to know what the odd or chances might be for their separated husband to one day come back. Many worry that the circumstances that surrounded his leaving might have an effect on the chance that he will come back. One common concern regarding this is the fact that the husband was the one who initiated the separation.

I might hear a comment like: “for the past three weeks, my separated husband has finally started taking my calls. I know that this sounds like a little thing, but I have been absolutely ecstatic about it because before this, he was pretty much avoiding me. I was out to lunch with one of my girlfriends and I shared my happiness with her. Unfortunately her response to me was to say something like: ‘I don’t mean to rain on your parade or anything, but the chances aren’t all that great that he is coming back. Just because he’s taking your calls doesn’t mean that he wants to reconcile. I might be more excited about this if you were the one who wanted the separation. But he was the one who initiated it. He was the one who wanted out. So that means your chances are much less that he’s actually coming back.’ This hurt me a lot. Part of me tried to tell myself that this friend just had a chip on her shoulder because her own separation lead to a divorce. Her own husband never did come back. But, one thing that she said actually had a lot of merit. My husband was the one who wanted to separate. I absolutely did not want for him to move out and I did everything in my power to avoid it. And yet, he was still unhappy and he still felt that he needed a break from me. Does this mean that the chances that he might come back are less?”

This is a hard question to answer. If you were speculating without knowing the people or the circumstances involved, you might suspect that yes, a husband who wants a break enough that he initiated a separation might be less likely to want to reconcile than the husband who begged his wife to stay when she was the one who initiated the separation. While there are no absolutes here, I generally find that there’s typically one spouse that is reluctant to separate and one who is pushing for it. Generally speaking, the spouse who never wanted the separation in the first place is the one who is most motivated to get the other home.

But none of this means that the spouse who pursued the separation won’t come home or even that the chances of this are low. Many spouses who were sure that they wanted to separate and who suspected that they might eventually divorce have a change of heart, my husband included. If every one gave up on their marriage when their spouse initiated a separation, there would likely be a lot more divorces.

I honestly would not your friend’s words discourage you. A separation does not mean that he is never coming home, although on your worst days, it can sometimes feel like it. My husband was the one in my own marriage who wanted a separation. And, he wasn’t too happy about taking my calls or receiving my visits for quite some time. In fact, some days he was downright discouraging to me. I knew that, at least at that time, I wanted our marriage a whole lot more than he did. But I had patience, and I worked with what little progress I had. And eventually, we reconciled and he came home. If I had believed that his initiating the separation in the first place meant that my marriage was over, then I would not be married today.

So instead of guessing at the odds and allowing this to discourage you, go with what you know for sure. Yes, you know for sure that he wanted to separate. But, you don’t know for sure what his intentions are today. You do know that your situation has improved because he has started taking your calls. And sometimes, that small improvement is what turns your situation around. When my husband attitude towards me changed even slightly during my separation, I used it as an opportunity on which to build. I would encourage you to do the same rather than to speculate. What do you really have to lose? And you might have a whole lot to gain.

You’re not proclaiming that you’re definitely going to reconcile tomorrow just because he’s taking your calls. But you are gaining hope. And that is reasonable. Don’t let anyone take that away from you just because they are speculating or dealing with their own disappointments. It is your marriage and not anyone else’s. If you want to have hope, then don’t let anyone take that from you.  If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about my own story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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