Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane:  When we are the separated spouse who is still very invested in our marriage, we will often ask ourselves what we need to do in order to get our spouse to cooperate with us.  Most of us feel that ultimately, we will not be able to save our marriage on our own.  So, we have to find a way to make our spouse want the same things that we want. And in order to do that, we figure that we need to figure out what he most positively responds to.  Many of us have to try several things until we land on what we think is the golden marital ticket.

However, not all of us has a husband who is consistent. Unfortunately, one day our husbands may respond to the confident wife who isn’t dwelling on her problems, while the next day he may respond to the wife who breaks down because she misses him so much.  And, the next day he may not respond to us at all and proclaim that he wants and needs to be alone.  This can leave us wondering if he even knows what he wants at all. And it can make having a strategy much more difficult.

A wife might explain: “I knew the day that my separation started that my husband didn’t really know what or who he wanted because he told me this in plain English.  In fact, one of the major reasons for the separation was that he was not sure that he wanted to be married anymore.  He wasn’t sure what type of life he wanted to lead.  So I knew this going into it, but I figured that if I could craft a wife and a marriage that made him happier, then what he wanted might be more clear to him.  I have noticed that throughout our marriage, my husband seems to pursue me more when I am confident and a little aloof. So I slowly started to act this way and it seemed to be working.  I was willing to be patient and I slowly kept it up and we slowly seemed to be making some actual progress.  This was exciting.  But the other day, my husband commented that I was so strong and capable that I didn’t seem to need him.  He said a woman who doesn’t need a man perhaps is a woman who would be happier not being married.  Now, my husband knows that this just isn’t true.  I told him that I may appear to be coping, but I am hurting inside.  He told me that he highly doubted this.  So now I’m not sure what to do.  Now he seems turned off by my strong side.  But I fear that if I come off as weak, he will be equally turned off by this.  He doesn’t seem to know what he wants, so where does that leave me?”

This must be very confusing.  You probably already know this, but I would like to stress that him not knowing what he wants is not your fault.  And, if you keep changing who you appear to be, then he’s going to be less likely to believe you when you’re showing him the truth.

To me, it always makes sense to try to present the best, strongest version of yourself.  And by this I mean your true self.  Why? Because that is who your husband fell in love with in the first place.  And, this is the persona that is going to be the very easiest for you to pull off and it will also feel the most genuine.  This person is “real” to both of you because she is really and truly you.

The problem is that somewhere along the way, most of us have “lost” this wonderful woman.  Life gets in our way.  Stress weighs us down.  Day to day responsibilities can make it very hard for us to channel that playful, laughing, happy go lucky woman that both us and our husbands miss desperately.

That is why, as counterintuitive as it might seem, I encourage people to practice extreme self care when going through a separation.  It’s very easy to focus on the negative and to respond to fear.  It’s very common to grasp at the straws you think that your husband wants. But I strongly believe that your marriage will very often benefit from you grasping only at the straws that you legitimately want also.  When you are your true self and you are in tune with authenticity, you come from a place of strength.  And people – men, women, and children alike – respond to this.  Confidence is easier in this situation because what you are projecting is real. And most people find confidence very attractive.

Plus, do you really want to project someone who is coming from a place of weakness if that is not who you are?  Sure, we all struggle during our separations. All of us can be honest about this and it may be perceived as being weak sometimes.  It’s honest to struggle.  And I’m not sure that you have to pretend that you’re handling it all just fine when you’re not.  Everyone struggles.

I think that the difference is showing that you’re struggling but doing the best that you can because you respect yourself enough to do nothing less.

When your husband doesn’t know what he wants, that is honestly his struggle.  You can’t necessarily work this out for him.  It’s his own issue. You can offer to listen and you can offer support, but you can not get inside his brain or his heart and fix it for him.

That is why trying to be what you think he wants is something that you may always be chasing, especially if he’s always changing it.  Frankly, your spouse is often searching during the separation in the same way that you are.  He has to come to the answers himself in the same way that you do. Which is why I think you’ll never go wrong if you show him who you truly are while putting the most positive spin on that person that you can manage.

I admit that, during my separation, I drastically changed the person that I was presenting to my husband when it became clear that the clingy, desperate woman reacting to fear was a huge turn off to him.  However, I never was that clingy, desperate person.  I became her because of the stress I was under.  But we both felt better once I got myself together and focused on the positives and my strength.   You can read more about that process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Separated Spouse Doesn’t Know What He Wants. Therefore, I Don’t Know Who To Be Or How To Act

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from wives who feel that they have a very unique (and discouraging) situation. Not only has their husband left them (meaning that he has left their home and seemingly initiated a separation.) But, he has also left the immediate area, meaning that the wife doesn’t have easy access to him. So, if she wants to attempt to make him want the marriage again, she is going to have specific challenges of distance that must be overcome.

I might hear a comment like: “it would probably unfair to say that my husband left me without any warning. This wouldn’t be true. He did give me at least some warning. But I didn’t want to see the signs that were there. He’s been telling me for months that he was unhappy in our marriage. He’s also been telling me about a tempting job offer that he got in another city. I never thought that he would leave me to take the job, but that is exactly what has happened. I came home and found a note saying that he was leaving to pursue new career opportunities that he felt couldn’t be passed up. His letter alluded to the fact that he felt that our marriage has been over for a long time. It honestly sounded very final. I gave him a couple of days before I called him and although he picked up the phone and was cordial, he said more than once that he just wanted to focus on his job right now and that he had no emotional energy to put toward the marriage. After being in the house without him, it is clear to me that I want him and I want my marriage. I’d be perfectly willing to pack up and move to be with him, but he doesn’t seem to want this. I feel discouraged because all of the advise that I read about getting your husband back are applicable if you live in the same town as him or if he is reasonably accessible to you. My husband is hours away from me. It’s not as if we are going to run into each other. How do I get him to want me when he’s already gone away from our town?”

I will admit right up front that this situation is a bit more challenging. You truly do have to make each encounter count because as you said, you aren’t going to get any chance encounters. And the encounters that you are able to swing may well be few and far between. Plus, since you aren’t in regular contact with your husband, you may have some anxiety about what type of reception you are going to get when you reach out. However, although this situation has its limits, it isn’t impossible. I actually imposed some distance between my husband and I during my own separation and, much to my surprise, it eventually helped us. Below, I’ll offer some suggestions that I hope might help you to navigate this situation.

Wait And See If The Distance Helps You: Before you panic, you should know that sometimes, the distance between you may eventually work in your favor. For example, in my own situation, I became so frustrated with my own separation that I scheduled some time to go to my hometown, many hours away from my husband. I was at a point where I knew that the only way that I wasn’t going to continue to reach out and be rejected was to put literal distance in terms of miles between us. Slowly, my husband began to show a tolerance and then an interest in me again. And I firmly suspect that this would not have happened without the distance. Many people confirm this on my blog and say that very slowly, being apart from their spouse allowed them the space to actually miss them. So I’d suggest waiting to see if this is going to be the case before you try any drastic measures.

Make It Clear That Your Expectations Are Realistic And That For Now, You’re Only Trying To Maintain A Basic Relationship: In many cases, I suspect that being very honest and announcing to your husband that you’re going to save your marriage from a distance is going to be met with skepticism at best and at worst be met with resistance. I believe that the better call might be to make it clear that you’d just like to maintain some sort of relationship whether that is friendship, respect, or something else. After all, it’s unrealistic and cold to think that the two of you are just going to suddenly break of all contact with one another. This person has been the most important person in your life for years, so it’s reasonable to tell him that you’d like to maintain a relationship. With this done, you want to slowly begin to build on whatever relationship you start with until you slowly, and eventually, find that you’re begun to rebuild toward something more.

Move Forward As Is Natural: I can not stress enough that almost without fail, where I see this plan stumble is when the wife begins to get a good response and then gets all excited and then wants to accelerate the pace. Believe me when I say that I completely and totally understand this. This was definitely a challenge for me. But when it was, I would remind myself of how far I had come and how much I didn’t want to have to start over. It is optimal to allow your husband to take the initiative sometimes, especially when things are going well. It’s also advisable to move more slowly than you want to, even though I know first hand that it is going to be a challenge.

But to answer the first question, it is possible to revive the relationship when he’s not accessible to you. Yes, it is more challenging. And yes, you may have to move at a slower pace and be more deliberate with your contact. You may also have to just focus on a basic relationship at first. But if you have patience and a little luck, anything is possible.  I believe this to my core. If it helps, you’re welcome to read more about how I navigated this on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do I Get My Husband To Want Me When He’s Already Gone?

By: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of correspondence from spouses who are trying to understand and have patience while their spouse goes through a mid life crisis. Many of them do not understand why their spouse would seemingly change over night. And they worry about whether these changes are going to be lasting and if they are going to negatively affect, or even destroy, the marriage.

Occasionally though, I will hear from the spouse who had the mid life crisis. That person is often asking for ways to get their spouse’s trust and faith back when they have realized that their mid life crisis was a mistake that did a lot of damage.

Here’s an example. You might hear a wife say: “I know that it is usually the husband who has the midlife crisis. But in my case, it was me. I got married relatively young and I guess I missed out on all of the carefree fun that goes with being a single young woman. I reconnected with some high school friends online and I admit that I have been acting very silly for the past several months. I am normally someone who doesn’t drink or go out. But for the past few months, I’ve gone  out with friends the minute I got off of work. I have taken “girlfriend’s weekends away.” I have checked out of my marriage and instead have just wanted to have fun with my girlfriends. My husband did not appreciate my new life style. He was very honest when he said that he felt as if he were losing me. He said he felt abandoned and that it was clear that I valued my friendships over my marriage. I thought he was just being a nag and I told him as much. Eventually, I got tired of having my husband complain so I initiated a separation. He didn’t fight me on this too much. I think he was tired of all the drama also. Well, I kept going out with my friends. And then I got in a car accident. Suddenly my so called friends were absent from my life. I was pretty much helpless for a while and I needed help with basic things that I could not do on my own. Of course, my friends were no where to be found. Once I could no longer be the life of the party, they had no use for me. The only person that I could depend on during this time was my husband. He was there for me even though he was clearly hurt about my behavior. During that long period of time where I had to depend on him for just about everything, I realized what a huge mistake I had made. My husband has always been the most decent person in my life. And I pushed him away to act like a fool. I pushed him away to do foolish things to try to recreate my youth. This was so stupid of me and I regret it so much. I tried to tell my husband this. And I begged him to take me back. He says that although he will always care for me and be there for me, he does not like the new person I have become. I have told him that this person was not me. I told him that the real me was the wife that he has always known. He does not believe this. How do I make him see that I’m telling him the truth and that I realize my mistake?”

I know that this must be a tough time for you. But I think that coming up with an effective strategy might be a little easier if you are able to put yourself in your husband’s shoes. Think for a second about how you would feel if your steady husband suddenly rejected you and the marriage you’d built. Imagine how it would feel if he labeled you a nag and chose friends who he hadn’t seen in years over you? I am not asking you to do this to hurt you. I am asking you to do this because I now want you to ask yourself what you would want from your husband if the roles were reversed.

You’d likely want for him to make you feel secure again. You’d like for him to make you feel appreciated and valued. And you’d want to believe that in reality, he does not think that you are a nag.

Now that you understand what he probably wants from you, how do you provide them? Well, you will usually need a good bit of patience. He likely has some doubts about what you are saying because he’s been hurt and rejected. And he may think that you are only saying this because your friends rejected you and he is all that you have left.

So you might try a conversation to lay the groundwork, while knowing that you are going to have to be patient and that you are going to have to show and not tell him what you mean. Here’s an example: “I just want you to know how much I value your help right now. You have always been the most steady person I’ve ever known and I value that more than you know. I realize that you must feel as if you’ve been dealing with a stranger these past several months. I am not sure what got into me except to say that I guess I somehow felt like I missed my youth. I know that’s silly. But after trying to recapture my youth, I can honestly say that it’s not all that great. I prefer being a steady adult. And I won’t be revisiting my youth again. I know that you probably doubt what I’m saying, but I hope to prove it to you. For now, I just want you to know how grateful I am.”

After you’ve had this conversation, you’ll have to do just that – prove it to him. Show him that you are your old self and that you are not going anywhere. Hopefully, in time he will come to believe that he can trust that his wife is back and you can move on, with the full realization of how lucky you are.

I was always worried that after my separation, my husband and I would think that we had both changed.  I think we both had fears and doubts about this.  But in time, we were both relieved to see that we were the same people, although our perceptions about our marriage had changed for the better. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on How Do I Make My Spouse Understand That The Woman Who Had The Mid Life Crisis Wasn’t The Real Me?

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from people who are determined to still hold out hope for their marriage, even in the face of a marital separation. This isn’t as easy as you might think. People sometimes think that holding onto hope is as easy as telling yourself that this is all mind over matter.  The assumption is that if you are successful with this, then you won’t have any doubts about your decision.  I can tell you from my own experience that this is not true. Very often, you have to fight very hard to keep that hope alive. Sure, you have doubts. You wouldn’t be an observant and reasoning human being if you did not. You see and hear what is going on around you. But you chose to process it in such a way that allows for things to remain open ended. You realize that things might not work out in the way that you wanted, but you’re not willing to just concede defeat quite yet.

This is a huge challenge. There may even be times where you actually try to accept that your marriage is over and you find that you can not do it. There’s even more challenges when well meaning family members who you know and love you weigh in with their own opinions.

A wife might complain: “yesterday, my mother told me that she had something very important to discuss with me. She acted all serious about this. So we sat down and she told me that, because she loved me, she felt the need to tell me that she can’t stand to see me having wasted hope on my marriage. I have been separated from my husband for seven months. During that time, we have had some good weeks and some bad weeks. Lately, we have had more bad weeks. But I haven’t lost hope. My husband hasn’t filed for divorce and he hasn’t talked about doing so. My theory is as long as we are talking and we are not divorced, then there is still hope. My mother says that I am wrong about this. She says that I need to accept that he is never coming back. I asked her what she was basing her opinion on. And she said that it is just taking too long and that if a man wanted to come back to his wife, he would have already done it. Now, I have to add that my mother has not spoken with or seen my husband since our separation. She has not seen us together. All she knows about us is what I tell her. I know that she loves me. And I know that she knows me better than anyone else. It hurts me so badly that she has come to this conclusion. Part of me feels defensive. She doesn’t really have all of the information. And part of me worries that maybe she knows something that I don’t.”

I know that this is painful. And I know that you don’t want to be angry at your mother. But I have been there. My parents and my friends encouraged me to give up on my marriage. And they loved my husband. They wanted it to work out between us. But after he left and they saw how broken hearted I was waiting for a resolution, they just wanted for this to end for me so that I could begin to recover. And that is when they started telling me that maybe it was time to walk away.

I went back and forth between being angry at them and admitting that they had my best interest at heart. But in the end, I decided that it was no one’s decision but my own. Because as much as my family and friends were invested in my marriage, it wasn’t anyone’s marriage but my own.

I did ultimately save my marriage. But after many conversations and much soul searching, I did modify my strategy to try to get my husband back. Instead of clinging so tightly, I chose to back away somewhat. I still held onto my hope. But I didn’t evaluate it day by day. I just told myself that I would wait and see but in the meantime, I started to focus on myself.

And I understood that part of what my family and friends were saying didn’t have everything to do with my marriage. It was just that they saw me losing myself. And they were absolutely right about this. That was insight that was very useful to me. And it changed the outcome dramatically. I am very grateful that they cared enough to point this out to me. And that was the start of my making myself a very high priority. I started to value myself as much as I valued my marriage and my husband. I started asking myself what I wanted and needed out of the whole thing, which was a question that I had never asked before.

That is why I wouldn’t come down too harshly on your loved ones. In their minds, they are acting out of love and they are trying to help. But they don’t know your marriage. They can not see into the future. And it is not up to them what you do in terms of your marriage or how much hope you still chose to have.

Countless people suggested that I needed to give up my marriage.  But I knew that my husband was a good person.  I knew that we were good together.  And I knew that as long as we were both still walking the earth, there was a chance.  Ultimately, this was the right call because we are still together today.   If you’d like to read more, feel free to check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Mother Says That My Separated Husband Isn’t Ever Coming Back And Will Divorce Me

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, after wives have tried what they think are the conventional routes to get their husband back (trying to figure out their problems, asking him to come back, trying to reason with him, etc.) then they can start to believe that they are going to have to completely get away from straight forward methods if they are to have any chance of success. So, they might consider resorting to “mind games” or other such tricks.

One might say: “I have tried everything that I know to get my husband back. I’ve acted sweet to him. I’ve tried to convince him that our problems really aren’t that big. I’ve tried to address our problems. I’ve asked his mother to help me convince him. I’ve tried to talk this through. Nothing seems to work. One of my friends says that it is time to start up with the mind games. She says when she was separated with her husband, she actually acted a little mean to and disinterested in him. She said she tried to make him believe that other men were pursuing her. She said that this was more effective than playing it nice. Is she right? I really can’t picture myself doing these things, but if they work, I am willing to give it a try.”

I have had people contact me and tell me that this strategy works. I’ve also had people tell me that the strategy that I myself used with success was a version of a mind game. I do not agree with this and I will tell you why. Yes, I left the city where my husband and I lived to stay with my parents and friends for a while. And yes, this did seem to spark my husband’s interest. And yes, I did back away from my husband for a bit. But, both of these things were genuine. I did feel that I needed the support of my parents and friends. And I knew if I kept on the tract that I was going, my husband was going to avoid me even more. So these things weren’t meant to mess with my husband’s mind. They were meant to make the situation better for me and to take out some of the drama. Also, I was always very clear on the fact that I still wanted my marriage and that I had no intention of dating anyone else. (I suppose my husband might have thought this was a possibility when we weren’t in touch, but I never gave him any reason to think that.)

Understanding The Difference Between Mind Games And Backing Away: I am not going to deny that I often advocate giving your spouse space and creating a little distance when it’s obvious that this is necessary. However, there is a difference between this and out and out being dishonest to your husband. Pretending that you don’t care about him, making him believe that you might see other people, and taking on a negative attitude towards him are all things that are clearly a risk. And the focus here is somewhat negative.

There is a big difference between this and letting him know that you are stepping back to surround yourself with your loved ones and taking a break to focus on things that make you happy and nurture you in the hopes that some time in the future, you can revisit your marriage. I hope that you can see the difference.

The negative approach (pretending that you don’t care) creates more risk, at least in my opinion. Your husband might become defensive and angry. He may ask himself why he should be faithful if you are not going to be. And this may make the distance between you even greater.

But when you just create some distance and you make it clear that the hope in the future is that things will get better because you’re only working on yourself, then he really can’t fault you for this, especially when he’s likely the one who wanted space in the first place. You’re merely giving him what he has asked for, but you are doing it in a way that makes things easier for you and supports you. So, you are setting it up in a way that he can’t really say that he would be justified in retaliating or seeing other people.

I admit that it is a subtle difference, but I believe that it is an important one. Playing mind games implies a bit of manipulation and even cruelty. Taking a pause in the action implies that you’re taking care not to make things worse and that you are trying to get healthy so that you have a better chance of coming together later, when things calm down.

I admit that the second strategy can sometimes appear to be a mind game, especially if you aren’t (or can’t be) clear about what you are doing. But I believe that your mind set is vastly different and I believe that this will likely be evident to your husband so that he won’t be angry or want to retaliate and put your marriage at further risk.

To answer the original question, I believe that the mind game strategy has less a chance of working than taking a break, but being straight forward about it.  At least that was true in my case, but every marriage is different.  If you’d like to read more about the strategy I used, feel free to check out my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on If I Play Mind Games To Get My Husband Back, Will It Work?

By: Leslie Cane: Regardless of who initiated the separation, both spouses can deep down wonder if there is still love between them. And even if you never wanted the separation in the first place, you can figure that the least that you can do is to use the separation as a way to gage if you still  truly love your spouse. To that end, many people consider dating or seeing other people as way to give them a concrete answer to this question.

Someone might say: “I honestly never wanted to separate. I agreed with my husband that our marriage had become stale and that the feelings between us seemed to be fading, but I wanted to give it a few months to see if things would improve if we gave ourselves time to work on our marriage. My husband didn’t agree with this thinking so he is staying with friends. I’m very angry that he could just walk away like this. He says that if in a couple of months we both miss another, then at that time we can think about trying to save our marriage. So it is not for certain that we are getting a divorce, but I’m still disappointed in him. And, because of this, I’ve been considering seeing other people during my separation. It’s not that I am absolutely sure that don’t love my husband anymore.  It’s just that this is probably a good opportunity to see how I really feel about him. I figure if I am attracted to and connect with someone else, then my marriage was just no longer meant to be. Is this a good idea?”

What I am about to give you is only my opinion. The only person who can decide what is best for your marriage is you. The only one who knows your marriage intimately is you. But, having gone through a separation myself and knowing how many emotions are surging and how misunderstandings and resentments can easily take hold, I’d personally caution you against seeing other people. And there are many reasons for this, some of which I’ll go over below.

Your Feelings Will Often Be Apparent Because You Are Away From Your Spouse And Not Seeing Him Regularly: It’s my experience (and this is confirmed by many people who contact me) that many people begin to miss their spouse after a short time away from them. Often, the separation at least gives you the perspective from the view point of missing your spouse, and because of this, you begin to see that perhaps you were unyielding in places where perhaps you could have given a little more. This is usually enough to clue you to the fact that perhaps your feelings for their spouse to remain. And this has happened without your putting your marriage at further risk.

Emotions Are Already High During A Separation And Seeing Other People May Only Introduce More Complicated Feelings Into An Already Volatile Situation: I think that it is fair to say that most of us have our emotions running all over the place when we are going through a separation. Most of us are at least a little bit confused, scared, vulnerable, and frustrated. This is not the ideal time to attempt to add one more complication into our lives. I would argue that any relationship that you start during your marital separation is likely doomed from the start. You are not going to be in an emotionally healthy place and you are likely not ready to start up with someone else until you come to a conclusion about your marriage. And I’m not even talking about whether it is right to see someone else while you are still married, which is a separate (but important) issue. Frankly, seeing someone else is likely to only make you more confused about your feelings.

Seeing Someone Else May End Your Marriage Before You Even Gave It A Chance: Some people secretly are hoping that seeing someone else is going to get a reaction out of their spouse. They hope to find that their spouse is jealous and therefore much more motivated to save their marriage at once. I suppose that, if it actually happened this way, perhaps the whole strategy would have been worth it.

But it so often does not happen this way.  More often, your spouse finds out and they are hurt and angry. They figure that the marriage must not be that important to you and many retaliate by beginning to date other people themselves. Now suddenly you have two separated spouses dating others. What do you think is the likelihood of saving your marriage at this point?

Hopefully by now it’s obvious that I don’t think it’s advisable to see other people when you are separated. It just complicates things. It is hard enough to save your marriage when only the two of you are involved. Why make it harder than it needs to be? And why give your marriage anything but the best chance? If you don’t make it, then you are in a situation where you can see other people. But right now is not that time. Right now, your focus should be on the fact that you are still married.

I suspect that just being away from your spouse will help you to evaluate if you still love him.  At least this was the case with me.  If you’d like to read more about my own separation and how I was able to end it with my marriage in tact, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I’d Like To See Other People During My Separation In Order To Help Me Evaluate If I Still Love My Spouse

By: Leslie Cane: I strongly believe that one early indication that your marriage might be in trouble is the fact that you and your spouse rarely talk anymore. This was one warning sign that I missed, assuming that my husband and I had just hit a “comfortable phase” where we were mostly just reading one another’s thoughts. This was a huge mistake on my part and it lead to a painful separation (which eventually ended with our marriage intact,  but not before causing a lot of turmoil.) That’s why I always feel it is vital to pay attention if you see this happening in your marriage.

I might hear a wife describe it this way: “last night, I decided to have a little experiment and I decided to time how long it was before my husband and I had any conversation. I knew that I should be looking for a quality conversation that was meaningful, but I also knew, based on how little my husband and I talk lately that this wasn’t going to be likely. So I decided I would settle for any conversation – even about something as trivial as to weather. And do you know what I found? That we went about forty-eight minutes between the time I started counting until the time he asked me what time his favorite sitcom was on. I answered his question and then it was another 37 minutes until he asked me what was for dinner. We honestly never talk anymore, not even about the small things. My husband isn’t a big conversationalist, but he was always able to talk to me before. What does this mean? Is it something that I should worry about? How do I fix this?”

The Damage Caused When Communication Shuts Down: Well, as I’ve alluded to before, I think that this is potentially something to worry about. I’m certainly not a mental health professional, nor can I tell you that every time the communication shuts down, that you have a martial crisis on your hands.

But I do think that it is safe to say that when communication shuts down, both spouses feel more distant to one another and it erodes intimacy, which is vitally important in a healthy marriage. So this is not anything which I would encourage you to ignore and just hope that it goes away or improves on its own. Instead, I’d urge you to be very proactive. You want to get back on track as quickly as you can. With that said, you don’t want to panic and push too hard or force it. And the reason is that you don’t want every conversation that you have to feel awkward and forced, as this is almost worse than having no conversation at all.

How To Get The Conversation Flowing Again: Honestly, most people would assume that you need to have difficult conversations and you need to have them fast. To be honest, I disagree. The hard conversations are probably a bit too ambitious at this point. I’d certainly encourage you to put the hard conversations on your radar for later.

But if you want to get the conversation flowing in a way that feels relatively painless for both of you (and so that you don’t meet resistance from your husband,) then I believe that the best way to do this is to start small and go for easier topics where you know that you are going to have some success. Sure, you will be talking about light things of little consequence but at least you will be talking.

And by starting small, you are showing both yourself and your spouse that you can start talking again and be comfortable doing it. Keep the conversation light. Try to make sure that you are laughing and having an easy back and forth banter. Work on this for as long as it takes. You want the conversation to flow very easily and to become a habit.

You don’t want to rush this because you do not want this process to feel forced in any way. People often get a lot of anxiety about this because they think that it shouldn’t be so much work. They remember back to when they were dating and when they could talk for hours and lose track of time. But what they forget is that when they first met their spouse, they had to be a good conversationalist. They had to ask open-ended questions in order to pave the way for that easy rapport that came next.

The same thing is true now. You can’t always expect the conversation to flow without your helping it along a little. Ask questions. Share your own insights and work at it if you need to but do not stop your efforts.

When this is so natural that you are not even thinking about it anymore, only then should you even think about having the “important talks” about why you lost your communication in the first place. The answer may be as simple as you got into the habit of silence. It happens and it doesn’t always have to mean that you no longer love your spouse as much as you used to. It can just mean that you became comfortable and stopped working quite as hard.

This is all very normal. But it is not optimal. Talking is one important way to feel connected and intimate with your spouse. Both are very important. And when you notice them leaving your relationship, then it is important to take action.

I know that it’s possible to tell yourself that perhaps you’ve run out of things to talk about, but don’t take that escape route.  This is your marriage that you are talking about.  You want to have meaningful conversations for the rest of your life.   This is a very straightforward way to keep your marriage strong.  I wish I had listened to this advice myself.  I let things slide with my own marriage until it lead to a separation, at which time I had to slowly rebuild my marriage.   You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband And I Don’t Talk Anymore. What Does This Mean? What Can I Do About It?

By: Leslie Cane: A good amount of the correspondence that I get comes from wives who are not sure how to deal with a husband who has initiated a separation after a mid life crisis.

Understandably, it can be a big challenge to deal with or try to reason with these husbands because they are going through a phase where they seem to reject most things in their past live and are determined to do things differently moving forward. Many of these wives fantasize about a time when he will finally come to his senses and the mid life crisis will end so that they can reconcile.

But when this day finally comes, the resolution isn’t always as easy as was hoped. The wife can have serious doubts that the husband’s desire for a reconciliation is actually genuine. After all, it was only a little while ago that he felt his wife and his marriage were no longer what he wanted. In fact, he didn’t want this stability and obligation. He wanted to be free and live a more exciting life.

A wife might say: “I want to be clear that I am so relieved that my husband’s mid life crisis appears to be over. I have been living in hell for the past several months. One day, my husband woke up and said that he could not live another day in drudgery. His new mantra seemed to be that ‘life is short’ and so he only wanted to live a carefree lifestyle doing only what appealed to him. His outlook was if it’s not fun and selfish, then I’m not going to do it. Because of this, he told me that he wanted to separate and focus on himself for a while. He bought a new car, moved into the city center, and quit his job. He now only takes on work that he wants to do. He did make an effort to see our kids, but he cut his ties to me. Recently, he called me crying and he said that he made a huge mistake. He said that he feels lonely instead of free. He asked if I had it in my heart to see him some. We have met several times and he does appear to have genuine remorse. He does appear to be his old self. The other day, he asked me if I would one day consideration a reconciliation. This is what I’ve wanted for a long time, but when I actually think about this, I have some hesitations. I know my husband probably saw other women while we were separated. So I find it hard to believe that he suddenly wants to go back to the life he called boring when it appears he had a life that was much more suitable to him. And I am afraid that shortly after we reconcile, he’s going to be unhappy again. I also worry that I will be overly accommodating because of my fear.”

This wife’s comments echoes what I hear from many. This reversal can be very difficult to wrap your head around. One minute he’s rejecting you and everything you represent and the next minute he’s telling you that he wants it all back. Of course you have your doubts.

But, I can tell you that many men who have mid life crises come out of it. Think about how many men you know who have gone through this. Now, think about how many of them are still going through it five years later. Not many, right? They tend to have a very dramatic change and then many of them come to realize that they acted too radically. Many of them see that the “new” life isn’t as gratifying as they had hoped. It is not uncommon for them to realize that they have made a mistake.

From what I observe (and I am no expert, to be sure) it appears to me that the doubts and insecurities cause more problems when a reconciliation is attempted than the mid life crisis itself, especially when it is the husband who initiated or wanted the reconciliation.

Think about it this way. Why would he tell you that he wanted his old life back if he doesn’t? Why would he lie when he has the life he thought he wanted? There would be no incentive for him to lie. If he really wanted the new, carefree lifestyle, all he would have to do would be to keep living it.

Assuming he’s telling the truth and wants the marriage back, then it makes sense to ask yourself if this is what you want also. If it is, then the next step would be to try to manage your fears and doubts. They are normal and we all experience them. But you don’t want to let them take away what you truly want.

I think it helps to ask yourself if your husband had any legitimate complaints before things deteriorated. If he did, fix them. There are ways to make your marriage and your life a little more exciting without going over the top. Honestly, these sort of changes can benefit both people. Finally, I see a lot of people try to change who they really are because of this. They feel that they have to overcompensate and turn into an adventurous risk taker just to make their husband happy.

Not only will this not feel genuine, but often, your husband is telling you that this isn’t really what he wants. He’s already tried that and determined that he prefers the stability of a loving and long term relationship, so there’s often little to gain be pretending to be what you’re not. Plus, in doing so, you’re giving away a bit of yourself, which has no benefit either.

Any reconciliation following a separation has its own challenges.  But if this is what you really want, try not to let the doubts carry you away.  Try to wait and see what happens before assuming the worst.  You want to give yourself the best chance, so having a hopeful attitude is better than waiting for the worst to happen.  I didn’t always understand this during my own separation.  But I did come to learn it the hard way. There’s more about what contributed most to the separation at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on A Marriage Reconciliation After A Mid Life Crisis. Some Things To Think About

By: Leslie Cane: One would think that if you were involved in a marital separation, then you would be well aware of this. After all, most of the time, when couples decide to separate, they first discuss this at length. So that when the time comes to separate and go their separate ways, both people know what to expect.

This is the ideal and most of the time, this is what happens. But in some cases, very little discussion occurs about the actual separation, until one spouse makes the announcement that the couple is already separated – stunning every one involved.

An example is a wife who says: “I can’t pretend that I didn’t know that my marriage was on thin ice. I did know. And I suspected that a possible separation or divorce was on my horizon. I figured that I probably had a couple of months to try to make things better before my husband talked about moving out. It’s hard to make improvements though because my husband avoids me. He comes home from work, eats his dinner in another room, interacts very little with me and then sleeps in our guest bedroom. The other day, we were at a function for his work. I know many of the people there as my husband has been with the same company for many years. I was absolutely shocked when one of my male coworkers approached me and said that he was ‘sorry to hear about our separation.’ I can only imagine how shocked my face looked at the time. When we got home, I told my husband what his coworker said. I assumed that the coworker had misunderstood something my husband had told him. I guess I was wrong because my husband’s response to me was: ‘we are pretty much separated. I thought you knew that.’ I absolutely did not know that. This is all news to me. How silly of me to assume that if we were separated, we would have had a conversation about this and one of us would have moved out. What am I missing here?”

I agree with you that your husband’s approach to this wasn’t a common one. Most couples do have many conversations about separating before they actually formally do it. It’s often quite obvious exactly when the separation began. It’s less common for one spouse to assume a separation because of the sleeping arrangements or because of a lack of closeness, but it is not unheard of.

Not Every Separation Follows A Traditional Path: There are couples who separate but who continue to live together either for financial reasons, convenience, or because they want to have an easier time trying to save their marriage. I suppose your husband could have thought that you fell in one of these categories. Or, he assumed that since you were no longer sharing a bedroom, you were technically separated.

Frankly, there are many assumptions about what a separation means or what is required to have one. But, at the end of the day, there are no rules about this. If you feel separated or declare yourself separated, then I suppose you are. I mean, it probably wouldn’t be effective to tell your spouse that because he didn’t discuss this with you, then he’s wrong with this claim that you are separated. Honestly, if he feels that you are, telling him that he is wrong isn’t likely to make him feel closer to you or any more willing to not classify himself as a separated husband.

Understand The Advantage You Have: I know that it’s hard to believe that there is any good news here, but honestly, I see some. It’s my belief that it can be easier to save your marriage if your separation means that you are still living together. All separations pose challenges, but you are going to have an easier time trying to address problems and make changes if your spouse is living with you simply because you will see each other more often.

My husband and I did live apart during our separation and we saved our marriage. So I don’t want to give off the impression that this arrangement is impossible. But it is my perception that our separation had more challenges than it would have if we had continued living together.

Defining Expectations By Talking It Out: Since you didn’t have any formal or meaningful conversations before this surprise separation, I’d suggest having one now. I’d consider something like: “I have to admit that I was very shocked to learn that you consider us separated. And I don’t understand what this means to you. Can you share with me how you classify being separated? Does this mean that you intend to see other people? Does this mean that we might consider counseling in order to save our marriage? How is this going to work?”

His response will be interesting because it will let you know how much thought he has given this. You might find that he hasn’t at all thought it through or you may find that clearly, he has been thinking about it quite a bit. Either way, you should have much more information than when you started and you should have a better idea about what you are dealing with.

I know that this is a disappointing shock, but try not to panic. A separation doesn’t have to mean the end of your marriage. Many couples overcome it. Some couples (like me) feel that, in the end, it was actually beneficial.

As I alluded to, my husband and I did save our marriage after a reasonably lengthy separation.  It was painful and stressful.  And I would have preferred it if we hadn’t lived apart during it.  But, we made it either way. You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on My Husband Says That We Are Separated But This Is News To Me. He Never Told Me We Were Separated

By: Leslie Cane: Many of the people that I hear from are concerned that their spouse is either going to leave them or has already left. Sometimes though, I hear from folks who suspect that their spouse wants to separate but isn’t willing to be the one to walk out the door. Instead, they feel that their spouse is trying to manipulate them into being the one who leaves.

A wife might say: “there is no doubt in my mind that my husband wants a separation. He clearly is not happy. He is always saying that we are not a good match and that we are not compatible. However, I can also tell that he worries that he has invested a lot of money into our house and he is afraid of losing financially in the event of a divorce. I know that he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore. But he doesn’t want to abandon the house. So he keeps telling me that since I’ve always complained about the bigger size and the upkeep of the house, then I should find myself a cute little apartment and go with that. He says that he enjoys taking care of the house but he knows that I don’t. Clearly, he wants me to be the one to leave him. The thing is, I don’t care about the house but I do care about my marriage. I don’t want a separation or a divorce. It hurts me that he is clearly trying to push me out. But I wonder if we even stand a chance when he so clearly doesn’t want to live with me anymore. He cares about the house more than he cares about me.”

I can understand why this is upsetting to you. But, you have a choice as to whether or not you want to leave. If you don’t feel that this is the right choice, then you have every right to say so. I think that the outcome of your marriage is much more important than who is living in the house and I’m sure that you agree.

I know that this is not a conversation that appeals to you as it’s a pretty safe bet that it is going to be awkward. But I can’t imagine how you ‘d get around having this conversation anyway. You might want to try something like: “I need to make it clear to you that leaving you and our home and living in an apartment doesn’t appeal to me at all. And it has nothing to do with whether or not my home is too big or too much maintenance. But it has everything to do with the fact that you are my husband and my home is wherever you are. I know that things have been rough for us lately and you are obviously not happy. But I would certainly like to have the opportunity to fix it before we talk about who is moving out. Having a discussion about one of us leaving seems awfully premature to me. I have no plans to move out or find apartment. I have no plans to leave you or to walk out on our marriage and I hope that you can say the same.”

At this point, it’s best to listen to his response. He may not be sure how to respond at first because perhaps this isn’t what he expected for you to say. I would suggest doing whatever you can to avoid getting angry, defensive, trying to debate with him or declaring that you’re not leaving and he can’t make you.

At the same time, the house is yours too. It is your home. And while he can make all sorts of suggestive and leading statements in an attempt to manipulate you or to elicit a response, it truly is up to you how you are going to react. If you do not want to leave him and your home, then nothing says that you have to, at least right now while you are still married.

I think the best first step is making it clear that you don’t intend to go anywhere and then to attempt to focus on making things harmonious at home. And by this I don’t mean that you will solve all of your problems at once. That isn’t realistic. But if you can set it up where things aren’t as tense and you are both clear on your intentions and are interacting in a more positive way, then at least you have cleared the way for solving the issues later, as your marriage can tackle the more difficult obstacles.

There’s no indication as what the true problems were. The husband trying to get his wife to leave was likely only a symptom of something else. If you can address the true and core problem, then you’ll likely see the symptom go away also which means that you likely won’t hear him giving you loaded comments meant to inspire you to leave him.

After making it clear that you don’t intend intend to go anywhere, I’d suggest trying to calm down the atmosphere in the home.  Take the pressure off of the marriage for a while by just taking things very slowly.  It’s important that this process feels as comfortable as possible.   It is easier to save your marriage if neither of you moves out.  I know this first hand because I had to save my marriage after my husband left.  You’re welcome to read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin
Comments Off on I Think My Husband Wants Me To Leave Him. He’s Trying To Manipulate Me To Move Out