Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When you never wanted your separation in the first place, you often hope that you and your spouse can be cordial, friendly, and open during your separation. But when your spouse is behaving in an opposite way – and seems downright angry about something- this often makes a bad situation even worse. It will often leave you wondering what you did wrong and how his anger is going to affect or impact your ability to eventually save your marriage or to reconcile.

I might hear from a wife who says: “it’s pretty obvious that my husband isn’t thrilled with me or with my marriage right now. In fact, things got so chilly between us that he has initiated a separation. When he was trying to explain why he wanted to separate to me, he never expressed anger. He was basically pretty straight forward about the fact that he felt that we had grown apart and that he didn’t feel as close to me anymore. He said that he hoped that the time apart would help us realize that we shouldn’t take our marriage for granted and that we should cooperate a little more. So I never really felt any anger during this entire process. But ever since my husband moved out, he’s been almost outright hostile. His comments toward me come off as cold, sarcastic, and borderline mean. He’s never acted this way toward me before. And I haven’t done anything to make him angry. So I just don’t get it. Part of me wants to ask him why he’s so angry but another part of me thinks that this will just make the problem worse. Why would a separated husband be mad after the separation when he is the one who wanted it?”

Any answer that I give you is only going to be speculation. And, I’m not a man who initiated a separation. I am a woman who was married to a man who did. However, I do hear from a lot of men in this situation. And I can tell you some common scenarios that I often hear about. Below, I’ll explain some reasons that you may be seeing some anger from a separated husband.

He May Believe That Your Life Is Easier Than His: Many men don’t anticipate the change in lifestyle during a separation. They hope that they feel a greater sense of freedom and relief, but they never actually think about the living arrangements and the finances. So it can be shocking to them when they have to live in a much smaller apartment, get by with much less money (since they are supporting two households,) and live on take out when someone used to lovingly cook for them. They often wrongly assume that your life has changed less than theirs, since they will often envision that you are comfortable in your own home still eating your home cooked meals. This can make them feel (and express) a little resentment.

He May Be Feeling Emotions That He Didn’t Expect: Often men who want a separation assume that things are going to feel better. More than anything else, they assume that they are finally going to get freedom and clarity. But this doesn’t always happen. Sometimes, he feels lonely and even more confused. In short, things aren’t working out in the way that he hoped. He may feel lost and he may be mad at himself for taking such drastic action and uprooting everyone’s life when it’s not even offering any real difference in his life.

People often assume that the only one who really struggles during a separation is the spouse who didn’t want it. But this isn’t always the case. Both people can struggle and feel confused and lonely. Both people can experience a sense of loss.

He May Have Been Angry Before The Separation: It’s not at all uncommon for people to want to take drastic actions like separating or quitting their jobs when they are struggling emotionally or are depressed. This can cause them to take actions that they wouldn’t otherwise take. And sometimes, we are understandably so focused on the separation and on the threat to our marriage, that we don’t notice that anger or this struggle until later.

So how do you handle this? In my opinion, the wife was right in her thinking that confronting her husband and demanding to know why he’s being so abrasive might actually make him more angry and may make the problem worse. That’s why I feel it’s a decent idea to just give it a bit of time and then to keep your attitude upbeat and positive in the hopes that he will follow your lead.

Of course, if his anger reaches a level where he’s very unkind or offensive, then you may just want to try to deflect it by saying something like: “your anger really hurts and surprises me because I can’t think of anything that I have done to deserve this. And treating each other this way isn’t helping our situation. Can you share with me why I’m on the receiving end of so much anger? Is there anything that I can do to help?”

Much of the time, if you approach someone’s negative attitude with an offer of help, this will deflate them and they will calm down and realize how unfair they have been. And you also set the stage for getting more information which might help you to help him.

My husband did exhibit a changing personality during our separation.  I worried that I didn’t know him anymore and that I was losing him.  But, as the separation settled in, things got less volatile.  And as I worked on myself, my husband noticed this and I started to see more of the caring man that I remembered. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Most of the time, when someone pursues a separation or a divorce, they at least in part doubt their feelings for their spouse. They may suspect that the love is gone. They might point to a lack of chemistry.

Occasionally though, there will be someone who is absolutely sure that they are still deeply in love with their spouse, but they are considering ending their marriage anyway. Their story may be something like this: “I have been crazy in love with my husband from the second I laid eyes on him when I was only fourteen years old. There has just been always something that draws me to this man. He’s wonderfully good looking and he is so charismatic. He doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him. And I care deeply about what people think of me so I’ve always found his attitude freeing and refreshing. But, while I found the bad boy attitude so alluring when I was younger, I almost see it as irresponsible now. Lately, I’ve been thinking that being with my husband makes me see life differently and act differently. I’m in a place in my professional career where the image that I project is very important to me. A couple of weeks ago, we were having a reception at my job and I was almost ashamed of my husband. All of my colleagues have spouses are so accomplished. I am thinking that in order for me to take my career to the next level and to pursue all of my dreams, I might need to end my marriage. The crazy thing is that I am still in love with my husband. There is no doubt about that. And some of my friends say that I am crazy. They say that some people never find their one true love and here I am, considering giving mine away.”

I have to say, that I believe the friends have a valid point. Just to attempt to put things in perspective for you, I hear from so many people whose spouses have left them for a lack of love. I hear from people who tell me the spark is gone in their marriage. It can be a big challenge to get these things back. But you have these things. You almost have every piece of the puzzle.

It is somewhat rare for people to look at their spouse after so many years and to say enthusiastically say that their spouse still immediately puts a knot in their belly because they still love him like crazy. My inclination would be to do everything in my power to keep that. Because I also hear from a lot of folks who have divorced and who find the dating game to be so discouraging and hard. I think it’s a mistake to assume that you will easily find another who you love so much. Many divorced people look back and say that it would have been easier to fix their marriage than it is to find another soul mate so late in life.

To me, it makes more sense to try to tweak your marriage (and perhaps the way that you look at your spouse) before you throw away a man who you clearly love. Many couples are complete opposites and this makes their marriages thrive.

Have you ever considered that some of your colleagues might envy you and your marriage? They may look at your spirited, straightforward husband and wish that they had that sort of escape with their own spouse.

I honestly don’t completely buy the fact that your marriage might hold back your career. You can still pursue every professional opportunity while being married. Sure, you may not have the easiest time talking with your spouse about these things, but plenty of people have professions where they can’t talk shop with their spouse. Doctors and lawyers are prohibited from this because of patient or attorney client privilege.

Many professional people keep their work life and their married lives separate and it works just fine for them. I’d suggest asking yourself if there is anything else going on in your life and your marriage.

If not, I think that this is workable situation. Perhaps you don’t feel professionally supported by your husband. Perhaps you feel that your goal setting makes him a little uncomfortable? All of these are things that can be worked through. And it’s my belief that it is much easier and more practical to tackle this workable problem than it is to find a whole new husband with whom you have so much history, chemistry, and love.

Poets and scholars have been saying it for centuries. We are here on this earth to give, receive, and spread love. If you are lucky enough to find someone who unmistakably fulfills that need for you, then I would fight very hard to hold onto that. Because it’s somewhat rare.

I can tell you first hand that a separation is very painful.  I would advocate avoiding it at all costs if you have a good spouse who you love.  If it helps to give you some perspective, you can read more about my separation on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I hear from a lot of wives who have either just started their separation or who have been told that their husbands want one. Understandably, many of them are scared and reluctant. Many have a hard time finding anything that is positive about their situation, even when they know that having a negative attitude might make things worse. So, many tell themselves that they need to adjust their attitude in order to look on the brighter side. But they have a very hard time seeing a bright side.

Someone might describe it this way: “all of my friends and family tell me that I am being too pessimistic about the fact that my husband wants a separation. I admit that I am very down about this. I am very scared that I am going to end up divorced. Yes, I am moping around, crying, and not really getting out of the house much. But I really do not think that I can be blamed for this. There is no way to pretend that my husband’s wanting to separate from me is a gift or a blessing. It is not. It’s a very negative thing that could change my life. Last night, my husband said that I needed to look at the pros instead of the cons. For the life of me, I can not see any pros. Are there any?”

I agree that the positives can be very hard to see. I know this first hand. When you are faced with losing what you love the most, of course your viewpoint is going to be clouded by fear. There are very few ways to spin the fact that your husband is telling you that he needs a break from you or that he wants to separate.

But, I have learned that there are some positives much of the time. And I can probably say this because I have the luxury of hindsight now because I certainly could not see it at the time. But now that I know that my marriage is OK and that I am not going to lose my husband, I can look back and see that the separation was actually a turning point in our marriage and, if truth be told, it actually improved things in some ways.

But first things first. The most obvious pro about a separation is that it is not a divorce. I often feel that there is a reason that the person wanting the separation does not just immediately file for divorce. I often believe that this is potentially telling because it could mean that the initiator of the separation has some hope that there might be a chance for the marriage in the future or he may have some feelings that make him doubt that he truly wants to end the marriage.

When the alternative is an imminent divorce, then a separation starts to look pretty good by comparison because with a separation, at least there is a better chance that things can turn around. Plus, you typically will have more time. When you’re trying to save your marriage in the face of divorce, you often have a shorter time frame to work within.

Secondly, many couples see their marriages and their troubles a little differently after a separation. Sometimes, they miss their spouse or they feel a very deep void without them present. This sometimes allows them to see what they have missed before. Perhaps they realize that they took their spouse for granted or they come to see that they were a little harsh in their judgements about their spouse.

Whatever the insights, sometimes a separation encourages people to be a little more accommodating and less judgmental. It sometimes makes people more willing to come to the table and to work things out.

And, sometimes when couples work very hard or seek counseling during a separation, they are finally able to fix or work through the issues that were coming up over and over again. This can be a huge relief and it can strengthen your marriage from that point forward. I believe that is why some couples will tell you that the separation actually changed their marriage for the better.

I know that this is a scary time. I understand completely. But I do believe that there can be some positives sometimes. Of course, if you had your way, you would not be separated at all. But, sometimes you have to play that card that has been dealt. And in terms of a separation, sometimes that hand turns out to a winner when you play it correctly.

I do know how you feel.  And I had the exact same fears.  But eventually, I found through trial and error that every time I was more positive and light with my husband, he was much more receptive to me.  I believe that this made a HUGE difference in our ability to reconcile. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Much of the correspondence that I get is from people who are facing or going through a marital separation. This may be seen as a short term trial separation or as something that may be seen as a precursor to a divorce.

People often want to know if the strategy that they are considering is good strategy (that is likely to work) or a bad strategy (that is likely to fail.) It’s hard for me to judge or speculate for multiple reasons. I can’t know the specifics with the marriage. And I’m certainly not a professional therapist or a marital counselor.

I can speculate and I can tell you some strategies that I have seen work (and not work) for many separations. But again, I would never want you to substitute my suggestions for your own good sense or for the intimate knowledge that you have about your marriage and its issues. With all of this said, here are what I think are some of the best or worst strategies that people will try to use during their separation.

The Bad Strategies

Trying To Manipulate Your Spouse: This is very common strategy and there are a number of ways that people will try to get their spouse to do what they want them to do. They will try to guilt their spouse, make their spouse feel sorry for them, make their spouse think that they don’t care about the separation, or act downright nasty and rude.

Now, I am not going to tell you that even healthy separations don’t have a little bit of posturing going on. I mean, even trying to keep a cheerful or upbeat attitude when you don’t feel very cheerful, is a touch manipulative because you’re showing your spouse what you want them to see. But, there’s a difference between trying to sway things to a more positive place than out and out pretending just to get a reaction.

Using Kids Or Other Currency: I see this a lot also. I absolutely advocate both spouses having very liberal and regular access to their children. This is a hard time for kids and one way to help them with this is to show them that both parents still love them, can still get a long, and can still interact as a family. I believe it’s vital for both parents to create a united front as far as the kids are concerned.

However, some people will take this a bit too far. They will insist that their spouse come over to see the kids when in fact they are most interested in crafting a time to see their spouse face to face so that they can move the separation forward and try for a reconciliation.

Now, I’d never tell you that I didn’t take advantage or every opportunity I had to see my husband during our separation. But I can also tell you that if you are using something to get to him, he is going to be able to see this. And he is not going to appreciate it. Always make sure everything you say and do is based on something genuine.

Acting As If You Need Your Spouse In An Attempt To Get Them Home: I know that it’s challenging to navigate things without your spouse. It’s difficult and it hurts. So it’s tempting to tell him that the roof is leaking and it stinks to deal with it. And you may went to tell your wife that you can’t put together a meal and are starving now that she’s gone.

But this isn’t playing fair and it isn’t likely to make your spouse look at your more favorably anyway. Frankly, often the best thing that you can do during your separation is to paint the brightest picture of yourself. You want to be seen as someone who is capable, coping, and conducting herself with integrity, which leads me to the second part of this article.

The Good Strategies:

Working On Yourself: I really can not stress this enough. I know that it is hard to focus on yourself as an individual when you want nothing more than to be a couple. But I firmly believe that it is the best thing that you can do. It keeps you busy. It shows your spouse (and yourself) that you have self respect and it might even help your marriage in the long run because, when you come back together, you will be much healthier.

Treating Your Spouse With Dignity And Respect: Sure, you may have big issues between you. Sure, you may be arguing with regularity. But this is still your spouse that you are talking about. When things got heated between my husband and I, then I would always try to back away and regroup because my goal was always to leave things better instead of worse. No one can deny that a separation isn’t going to be seen as a bright spot in your marriage. It isn’t fun. You’re likely on edge.

But if you want to save your marriage or just make things better, then you are going to want to treat your spouse as you’d want to be treated. Be honest. Don’t criticize or be sarcastic. And if you can’t engage in a positive and pleasant way, then wait until you can.

Try To Remember (And Display) Who Your Spouse Fell In Love With: I believe that this is so important. If your spouse fell in love with a laid back girl who always laughed then you don’t want to present him with a scowling, uptight woman during your separation and expect for him to have a positive response.

No one expects for you to turn back time or act like a person who you aren’t. But you know what your spouse loves about you. Now is the time to show them those aspects of your personality so that things go more smoothly.

I can’t tell you that I always used the best strategies and I never used the bad ones.  I used the bad ones a lot.  And they almost lead me to a divorce.  I only stumbled upon the good ones.  But they eventually worked.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  The word “separation” is not one that many wives are longing to hear.  In fact, it ranks right up there with the words “divorce,” and “sexually transmitted diseases” as words that you never want to hear in the same sentence with your marriage.

Sometimes though, you can not avoid a separation because you’re not the one wanting it and you can’t exactly refuse if your spouse is determined to move out and pursue one.  Plus, when the alternative is a separation or a divorce, most people with any common sense at all are going to take the separation every single time – at least if their marriage is still important to them.

But that doesn’t mean that we’re going to take the separation with much enthusiasm.  And we’re going to want to know just how much we have to endure it.  We’ll often ask our husband for information as to just how long this is going to take.  And even when he tries to provide it, we either don’t believe what he says or we try to find a way to make that period of time shorter because if we had our way about things, we wouldn’t have a separation at all.

A wife might say: “I suppose as far as separations go, I should consider myself lucky. My husband is determined to have one, but he is calling it a ‘short separation.’  He insists that he just needs a break, but he is reassuring me that, as of right now, he has no plans for a divorce.  I asked him how he defines ‘short’ and he said that he didn’t know. I asked him if we were talking about days or weeks and again he insisted that he did not know.  I felt this all was kind of suspicious and I asked if there was someone else and if this ‘short separation’ business was because he wanted a free pass to spend time with another woman.  He insists that I am wrong about this and that there is no one else.  He says that he just needs time and that there is nothing to worry about.  But, I am worried.  My fear is that a ‘short separation’ might be weeks that turns into months.  Or that doesn’t end at all.  And I feel like maybe he’s just saying ‘short’ because he knows that if I know the truth, I’m going to get very upset.”

Understand The Advantage That You Have And The Reality That You Could Be Facing Instead: These are all valid concerns. I don’t know any wife who gets all excited about a separation when she doesn’t want one. A husband can package it in any way that he likes.  He can call it ‘short.’  He can assure you that it’s ultimately going to help your marriage or make you both happier in the end.  But all you are able to focus on is the fact that he wants to be away from you and that he is distancing himself from your marriage.

Still, having him agree to try to limit the time period is MUCH better than dealing with a husband who is telling you that he doesn’t know when, or if, the separation will end.  Having a separation that drags on forever is absolutely no fun.  I know that because that was my experience.  Fortunately though, I did luck on some strategies that worked.

However, the length of my separation was probably as much as my fault as it was my husband’s.  I react very badly and I probably did most of the things that you aren’t supposed to do.  I clung to my husband, played mind games, tried to lay on the guilt to invoke his pity and basically presented myself as weak and needy, which is anything but attractive.

Don’t Focus On Time As Much As On Progress: I know that your focus is probably on TIME.  But in my experience, that is not the best place to focus.  Instead of constantly asking your husband “how much longer?” Or “when are you coming back,”  I’d strongly suggest putting your focus on fixing whatever is wrong.  I’d want to work on making my husband miss me and allowing him to see that whatever the problem is, being apart isn’t fixing it.  But standing together and getting to work is more likely to fix things and is more likely to make both of you more happy.

It’s my experience that a separated husband is MUCH more likely to respond to a wife who is flirting with him and being playful than one who is nagging him about exactly when he’s going to end this nonsense and get himself home.

I know that it’s human nature to want to end anything unpleasant immediately.  But you have to be willing to be deliberate in your strategy and to step back and ask yourself what your husband is most likely to respond to.  Yes, it would be easy (and understandable) to just start demanding more information as to when the separation will end.

But when you do this, you’re almost missing the point.  Because what you are not focused on is making your husband WANT it to end.  Because when he’s not getting a payoff from the separation and when he realizes that he gets more of a payoff at home, then he’s going to want it to end as soon as possible without your needing to nag him.

But when all you’re doing is asking him when he’s coming home without giving him an incentive to want to, then he’s more likely to resist you and to stay away longer.  I learned this lesson the hard way. If you’re going to play the game, at least play it to win.  Not just to shorten it.  Here’s an explanation of how the light bulb eventually went off in my head and I learned how to play to win.

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By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who have made the decision that they would like to date their spouse during a martial separation. The idea is that these dates will make the separation more bearable and will bring the couple closer together. However, as you might imagine, there can be a lot of hesitation and nervousness wrapped up in this process. There can be a lot of doubt during a separation and no one wants to make things worse with dates or outings that are complete disasters.

I might hear from someone who says: “my husband and I have been separated for about three weeks. I miss him. And I would like to see him on a regular basis. So I finally got my courage up and I called him. I asked him if it would be possible for the two of us to get together once a week. My husband hesitated with his answer but he finally agreed. I know that it’s important that these dates go well. And I can tell that my husband is hesitant. So what are good types of dates for separated couples?”

I don’t think it’s a mistake to understand how important these dates truly are. If you go and its awkward or you find that you and your spouse lack chemistry, then you may be hurting your chances for a reconciliation more than you are helping.

In my own experience, it’s optimal to keep the stress and pressure levels as low as is possible. Even though you have been married to this person, you want to think it terms of first dates.

Why? Because you want to keep things short and light. The idea is to leave your spouse wanting more. You want a situation where you can laugh and have fun and feel uplifted afterward. What types of situations am I talking about? Things that are focused just on having fun. Especially early in the process, the focus of the date should not be having long, emotional talks that are going to leave you drained.

Instead, the focus is on connecting in a very low pressure way. So you can go to the movies and see a comedy. I always loved this type of date because once the movie starts, no one feels pressured to talk. The only goal is to laugh. Other ideas are going to an amusement park or fair. You can go to a show of a comedian or band that you both enjoy. You can visit a landmark or place in your town where you’ve always wanted to go but never found the time.

I find that a lot of people want to make their dates very special and memorable and so they will go all out. They’ll reserve a special room or they’ll want to go back to the spot where they honeymooned. They’ll take time off of work for a long weekend. I understand why these things seem like a good idea at the time. But they can backfire because you’ve set the expectations so high. And this disappointment can turn into discouragement where one or both people begin to worry that not having success means that your marriage just can’t be fixed. This is unfortunate because I often think that if the couple would have just taken things slow and easy, they might have had a different result.

In short though, good dates during a separation are fun dates. You don’t want to slog through your problems or talk about the kids. That is what counseling or therapy is for (or self help that comes once the reconnection is established.) These dates are just for rediscovering one another in a fun and low key way.

My husband and I had several bad dates early on in our separation.  Looking back now, I realize I put too much pressure on the situation.  And it nearly cost me dearly. You can read more of my story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com)

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By: Leslie Cane: When a separated husband starts coming around to visit, many wives feel very encouraged. After all, many of us know wives whose separated husbands rarely, if ever, call or keep in touch – much less reach out in person. Much of the time, we try to tell ourselves that his beginning to visit is hopefully the first step toward him wanting to come home full time.

So when this doesn’t happen, we can be very frustrated and let down. And we can begin to wonder if he is playing games. I might hear a wife say: “I was thrilled when my husband first started coming back home. I figured after a week or two of these visits, he would ask if he could move back in. And I was ready to say yes. I couldn’t wait to start over. Unfortunately, this is not what happened. He keeps coming back home alright, but at the end of the visit he will get in his car and leave. I haven’t confronted him about this yet because I don’t want for the visits to stop. But now I am starting to worry. What if he has no intentions of moving back home? Why would he continue to visit me (and even have sex with me occasionally) and stop short of wanting to come back home?”

There are a couple of possible reasons that I can think of, but of course this can only be speculation because only the husband can know what he is thinking. I will list some possibilities below. And, you can see if this rings as a possibility for you.

He’s Leaning Toward Coming Home. But He Isn’t Sure Yet And He Wants To Make Sure That He’s Not Moving Too Quickly: So often, the spouse who didn’t want the separation in the first place is willing to take their spouse back even if they haven’t worked through their problems. They will take him back in any way that they can get him. They aren’t necessarily thinking very far ahead. They aren’t wondering what happens when he gets home and all of the issues start coming up again.

But that doesn’t mean that your husband isn’t thinking about this. He may well want to come home. But he is stopping himself short because he wants to set you up for long term success. So with each visit, he’s watching and evaluating how things are going. And, frankly, I would suspect that he is thinking that things are going well because he keeps coming back, right? If something were discouraging to him, then he might pull back on his visits.

Evaluating If His Intentions Aren’t Honorable: I will admit that some wives in this situation worry that their husband is just coming home for sex or for the ego boost and that he has no real intention of coming home for good for a reconciliation. I understand the concern, but you have to be the one to evaluate this because I can’t see first hand what is happening and you know your husband better than anyone else.

It makes sense to ask yourself if he only seems interested in sex and then leaves quickly afterward. Or does he engage and act caring outside of this and sometimes not even pursue it? In other words, does he seem more interested in connecting with or interacting with you outside of the physical contact? Does he call and engage when it’s obvious that there can’t be any contact in that moment? If he’s calling you to see how you are without expecting anything in return and he seems genuinely caring in addition to his visits, then this is telling.

But if the sex worries you or makes you feel taken advantage of, then you can certainly speak up in a gentle way, making it clear that you aren’t bringing this up because you want the visits to stop. You only want the visits to be for the right reasons.

Most of the time, I feel that it’s very encouraging when a separated spouse regularly visits and I always encourage people to keep building on those visits. It’s important to ensure that they go well so that they keep repeating and they become the stepping stones to rebuilding and saving your marriage.

I know that you want him home as soon as possible. I did too. But it’s risky to push too hard for this. Because if he comes home before he is ready, not only will he feel pressured, but your issues may come back up if you haven’t worked through them. As difficult as it is, I feel it’s best to wait until it is extremely obvious that the time is right. This avoids problems and it gives you both the confidence that your reconciliation has the best chance of success.

You can read more of my story on my blog at  http://isavedmymarriage.com)

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By: Leslie Cane: From the correspondence that I get, I have to say that you can typically divide it into a couple of categories. There are the folks who have just separated and are panicked because this is all new and scary to them. And there are those for whom the separation has lingered on and on. These folks are wondering why a reconciliation is taking so long and if the length of time is going to have any bearing on the outcome.

Today, I’m going to focus on those who have just separated. I have a special place in my heart for these folks because I remember, very well in fact, just how scary this truly is. You might hear someone in this situation say: “literally, ten minutes ago, my husband left. He told me that he thinks we should separate for a while. I am literally shaking. That is how upset and shocked I am. I have never felt this upset and lost about my marriage. Things are so bad that I can’t even imagine how tomorrow or the next day is going to be. How do you get through this? How do people manage in the first day or two of their separations? How do you even put one foot in front of the other?”

First of all, you are not alone.  It is very normal to feel exactly what you are feeling right now. Many people struggle because their marriages are so important to them and because they are reacting to the fear of the unknown. Dreading the worst is something that no one wants to do. But it can feel unavoidable right now. Add that to the shock, hurt, and disappointment, and you’re often struggling greatly. I am not going to tell you that the first days of my separation were even bearable because they were not.

However, I can honestly you that I wish I had handled those first days very differently. My reaction at that time got us off to an awful start. And it portrayed me as someone I didn’t want to be. Plus, it clouded my behavior from the very beginning, which made it hard for me to change course.

I know that it’s hard to be calm when you are so afraid. I know that if you act as if you have everything under control you fear that everyone will know that you’re only pretending. But, believe it or not, I honestly think that the person most affected by your actions in the first couple of days of your separation is you.

If you focus only on what could go wrong and what you might lose, then you become a person fueled by anxiety, doubt, and fear. When you are in this state, not only do you not make good decisions, but you don’t portray yourself very favorably to the man you are hoping to get back.

Worse than that, you are telling the universe, and yourself, that you can not handle this and you are not capable. You ARE capable. Sure, things may not be like you want them to be. But things can change in time. And the way that you think and act today may very well influence your outcome tomorrow. Here are the things that I wish I’d done differently.

Realize That A Reconciliation Is Possible So There’s No Need To Panic: I think that it’s common for one of the first thoughts we have to be: “oh no, this means that in six months I’m going to be divorced. And in five years, he will probably be remarried to someone else while I will have no one. I will never find someone who I love this much and I’ll probably die alone.”

We all have thoughts like this. But I believe it’s important to try to challenge these thoughts so that they don’t tarnish your actions. People can and do reconcile from a separation every day. Separations do not automatically mean that you are going to be divorced. Tell yourself that you’re going to do everything in your power to make sure that your marriage is going to be one that not only survives the separation, but is made better for it. Nothing says you can’t be one of the couples who end up with a marriage not only intact, but improved.

Don’t Be Too Hard On Yourself And Surround Yourself With Whatever Makes You Feel Better: It’s very easy to be angry with yourself right now. You wonder what might have happened if you’d only done something differently or better. That’s often thinking that is not only misdirected, but also inaccurate. You did the best that you could then and you will do the best that you can tomorrow. Don’t ask too much of yourself. Give yourself permission to surround yourself with only those things that you are going to soothe or uplift you. Don’t dwell on what is wrong and don’t isolate yourself.

Don’t Show Your Spouse Any Overblown Panic That You Might Be Feeling: You may feel as if your thought process and your fears are taking over. Many wives in this situation describe feeling “out of control” or “helpless.” That is certainly how I felt. But feeling these things on the inside does not mean that you have to display these feelings on the outside. It’s probably not best if your husband sees you falling to pieces before his eyes.

Does this mean that you have to pretend that you’re not sad or scared? No, and no one would probably whole heartedly believe this anyway. But you don’t want to act as if you’re overtaken by the fear. Everyone probably already knows that you’re sad and scared. But you can be sad and scared and yet still be able to look forward with hope and handle this as best as you can.

Know That Things May Not Be As Immediate As They Feel: I know you probably feel that you don’t have a lot of time and that you should come out plotting your next move immediately. In my observation though, people don’t get separated one day and then get divorced the next day. This process often takes weeks or longer. So you don’t need to start doing desperate things or feel so much anxiety and fear that you don’t even feel like yourself.

Give yourself a little time to calm down and gain control before you act. Often, when you act based on fear, you deeply regret your actions. Be a little more picky and deliberate with any strategies. Because once you do something you regret, it is harder to get back on track. It’s much better to wait until you’re calm and can really think things through so that you make better decisions and present yourself from a place of strength.

I wish I had headed my own advice.  I tell you these things because I pretty much did the opposite of what I just listed above.  And it was a disaster.  You can read the whole story here.

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By: Leslie Cane:  When your husband has left and you desperately want him back, you are always looking for signs – any signs at all – that he might be losing his resolve about this separation business and might want you back.  So you’re sort of always watching and you are hoping that when he begins to want you back, then it will be obvious.  When it isn’t, you can begin to wonder if you are misreading the signs, if he’s trying to hide his feelings, or if he doesn’t want you back at all.

Someone might ask a question like: “from the start of our separation, my husband was very specific about the fact that he was still in love with me, but he said that did not like living with me because we fight sometimes and there is a lot of conflict in our home.  My husband is so conflict adverse.  He hates conflict of any kind.  Even if it is a healthy disagreement, he will do everything that he can to avoid it.  I know that, deep down, my husband still loves me.  And I had hoped that being away from me would make him realize that he misses me and he would decide that he can handle some conflict if it means being together.  But so far, he hasn’t said anything along those lines at all.  When we are together, he is sometimes sweet and sometimes distant.  I can’t get a read on whether he is happy or miserable being apart.  I’ve been looking for longing on his face and I’ve been listening for words to indicate that he wants me back, but so far I haven’t picked up anything. I was discussing this with one of our mutual friends and she said my husband is a ‘cards close to the vest kind of guy’ and she’s not sure how I would even know if he wanted me back unless he flat out told me, which she can’t see him doing.  I always thought it would be more obvious than this.  How do I even know if he wants me back?”

It really does depend upon the couple and the personalities involved.  Some husbands are very demonstrative and they tell their wives very directly that they miss her and want to come home.  They are very direct about this with no games being played.  I believe from my own experiences that most wives would vastly prefer this scenario.

Unfortunately, this isn’t always what you get.  Some husbands are grappling with their feelings so they try not to let their wishes in this regard show.  They may be aware of the fact that they miss their wives and want her back.  But, they may be waiting to see if this feeling passes or changes.  So, he may want to wait for a while to just evaluate how strong these feelings really are.  He may not want to share this with you until he is sure that his feelings won’t change.

Other men don’t want to put their feelings out there out of strategy.  Some of them are waiting for you to be the one to ask about getting back together.

How these different scenarios look really does depend on how much your husband shows his feelings in every day life.  Some people wear their hearts on their sleeves and others are much harder to read.

In general, a man who wants his wife back will do things to get close to her and will ask questions meant to evaluate where she is in this process and what she might want.  He may ask questions about the future like: “if we were to get back together, do you think that we would make it?”  He may want to know about your feelings and where you stand.

He may ask to spend more time with you.  He may show you more affection.  He may show some jealousy if he thinks that other men are showing an interest in you. He may try to spend more time at your home.  He may ask open ended questions meant to gauge your feelings so that he knows it’s ‘safe’ to bring up the topic of a reconciliation.

Or, he may not do any of these things because, for whatever reason, he doesn’t want to share his feelings for you just yet.

So where does this leave you?  Well, if you think that it is possible that he wants you back, then I think it’s safe to say that you must have made some progress.  If so, I would continue to do the things that lead up to the progress.

Many wives get really excited when they get to this point and they rush things.  They demand answers.  They make assumptions about his return being imminent.  There is risk here because this scares some men.  I think that the better approach is to just continue at the pace you have been on.  Don’t rock the boat too much.  Continue to do what has worked and do not pressure him or make assumptions.

I always felt it was best to let my husband be the one to broach coming home and this worked well in my case.  It was hard to wait.  But it was the only way I knew that I wasn’t going to be disappointed or regretful if I rushed things.  I didn’t want my husband to pull away because I rushed. There’s more of that story at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I get a lot of correspondence from wives who aren’t sure which topics of conversation are appropriate during their trial separation. Often, they’d very much like to gauge how he is feeling and thinking but they are afraid of asking for too much information too soon. Sometimes, when he acts in a certain way that shows promise, the wife would like to ask him if his feelings toward her and the marriage are improving or changing, but again, she might be afraid of the answer.

To explain, I might get a comment like: “my husband initiated a separation because he wasn’t sure about me or our marriage anymore. He assured me that he loved me but wasn’t sure if he was in love with me in the way that he used to be. He just wanted some time apart to see if this would help him obtain any clarity. I will admit that I haven’t been able to see him as much as I might like during the separation. He always seems to have other things to do. Or perhaps he wants time alone at any cost. Sometimes though, he will call and ask me to dinner or he just wants to talk on the phone. Nearly every time this happens, things go very well between us. He often touches me casually or puts his arms around me. The other night, he even kissed me. Every time these things happen, I get hopeful. I know that I shouldn’t but I can’t seem to help myself. It seems as if my husband is responding to me with real emotions and feelings. I want so badly to ask him how he feels about me now to see if I am off base. But I hesitate out of fear. One of my friends told me that I wouldn’t know if I didn’t ask. She doesn’t see the harm in asking him. She says that he is my husband and she doesn’t understand why I’m scared to ask my own husband a question. But in my mind, this is a big question. I’m afraid of what his response might be and I’m also afraid that he will feel as if I am pressuring him and then he will pull away. Who is right here? Should I ask my husband how he feels about me during the separation?”

Why This Situation Takes Care: I agree with this wife that this can be a delicate situation. I am sure that the friend meant well. But only people who have truly been in this situation know that it can be a delicate decision. You can feel as if you’ve waited a long time to see some positive signs and so you don’t want to put this in jeopardy by making a wrong move or by pushing too far. From my own experience, I believe that if you have to ask him how he feels about you, then it’s probably too soon to ask that question.

What Is Ideal: I know that it is hard to have this kind of patience, but I believe that the best situation that you can possibly hope for is to wait for him to tell you how he feels. I know that this is asking for you to endure a lot of guessing and uncertainty. I know first hand that this isn’t easy. But think for a second about which is worse. Is it worse to finally see some progress and then speak too soon only to have him back away, without knowing if he will ever reach out again? Or, is it worst to deal with a little uncertainty and to have a little more patience?

The Bright Side: Try to look at it this way. Yes, it’s no fun to be uncertain. But, things are starting to look up for you. Many wives don’t even have nice conversations or dates to think about. They only have a husband who is ignoring their calls. So you do have a lot going for you. If you play this correctly, you can build on this. You can continue on with the regular meetings and hope that each one is better than the last. Once this happens, you just continue on while being upbeat and hopeful. Because frankly, in time it will usually become quite obvious how he feels about you or he will start telling you. The point is, if you just wait, not only do you not jeopardize the positive things that are happening, but you will likely get an answer soon enough.

Having patience was one of the biggest challenges that I had during my own separation.  I saw positive signs and I wanted to seize them.  But almost every time I did, I saw my husband pull back.  I finally decided it was better to let him set the pace than to jeopardize the progress I’d worked so hard for.   If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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