Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when people find out that you’ve been going through a marital separation, they feel that it is their duty to encourage you to perk up, stop being so depressed, and live your life again. And although they are doing this out of love and often have very good intentions, it can hurt and be very frustrating when you understandably are not ready to give up on your marriage when you are not even divorced.

Someone might say: “my husband and I have been separated for about three months. He was the one who wanted this. I admit that things weren’t great between us, but they weren’t so bad that we need to live apart. I do talk to my husband every once in a while. Sometimes these talks go well and sometimes they don’t. I guess they go well just enough to still give me a tiny bit of hope that one day things will be different. But my friends think that I am delusional and in denial. And because of this, they keep hounding me to go out with them in the hopes of setting me up with someone new. They believe that I need to start dating again. I love my friends. And I hate it when they get mad at me. But, I am just not ready to date again. I know that thinks don’t look great between my husband and I. But, I feel like I am still married. I am not yet divorced. So it would be wrong to go out. But that’s not the point anyway. Dating would be like conceding that I’m giving up hope for my marriage. And I don’t want to do that yet. Am I wrong?”

I certainly do not think that you are wrong. I was in the same situation and I basically reacted in the same way. I do believe that in most cases, your friends are acting out of love and concern. I know that mine were. But even though my husband wasn’t giving me any encouragement at all and sometimes was downright discouraging, I still wanted to believe that eventually, there would be a chance for us. And I always felt that going out with other people meant that I was giving up on that chance, which I wasn’t willing to do.

One day, I thought long and hard about this and I realized that getting out of the house might do me good. So I talked openly with my friends and I told them that although I’d like to spend time with them, I wasn’t going to go to night clubs or anything like that. I stressed that as long as I was married, I wasn’t going to act like I was single. So having men come along in the hopes that something would happen was off limits. My friends accepted this. We basically just did things like going out to dinner, hiking, picnicking, crafting (I learning to crochet at this time.) shopping, and wholesome things which could never be taken in the wrong way.

And granted, it turned out that getting out of the house lifted my spirits and did me a world of good.  But, I believe that there is a big difference between going out with friends very innocently and going out to get back in the dating game.  I was very clear on this and very careful to never put myself in a situation that could be misunderstood.

I also believe that it is your right alone to decide when you are “ready.” And that day might never come.  The hope is that your relationship with your husband won’t end. If you want to get technical about it, dating others while still being married is cheating. And when you are still hopeful about your marriage, dating is just silly because it jeopardizes the chances for a reconciliation.

The truth is, no one can possibly know what tomorrow is going to bring. Your conversations with your spouse might turn more positive. Or, you might become more skilled at pulling him closer to you. But, it just doesn’t make sense to give up until you have to. I have seen many couples reconcile after a long separation in which things looked very bleak.

So you might want to have a conversation with your friends like: “I appreciate your wanting to cheer me up, and I’d love to go to dinner sometimes. But I’m not going to date right now. I’m still married and I’m still invested. It wouldn’t be right to date and frankly, I have no interest in it. That’s why I don’t won’t to go to clubs or anything that might insinuate I’m interested in dating when I’m not. But I’d love to see more of my friends and get their support right now. I hope you understand.”

Honestly, anyone who is a true friend will understand this. Sometimes, people are looking for a “partner in crime” with regards to dating. But nothing says you have to fit into their preconceived role. And honestly, a married person is not right for that role anyway. Once you make this clear, even your single friends should completely understand this, as long as they have your best interest at heart.

Honestly, my separation showed me very clearly who my true friends were.  Turns out, I have some fantastic friends. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  One of the more common topics that I hear of from the separated couples who reach out to me is that of sex.  Many of those folks who write think that their interactions are rare – because they are separated but still having sex.  From the correspondence that I get though, this practice does not seem to be rare at all.  Many couples still have some type of sex when separated.  Some have it regularly and, for others, it happens only once and creates a lot of confusion.  Some people want to know what it all means.  Others worry about the message that it is sending.

I find that very few people have it without working about the implications.  Some get very emotional about it.  I might hear from a husband who says that his separated wife cries during sex and he is not sure why.  He might explain: “my wife and I are separated.  I was the one who wanted this.  I still love my wife and I have told her so.  But our problems are many and I just want some time away.  I hope that we will ultimately be able to save our marriage, but I have no way to know if this will be the case.  I told my wife I would understand if she wanted to limit our contact while we were separated, but she didn’t.  She asked to get together regularly and she has initiated sex many times.  I worry about what it means that we are still having sex, but I am not going to turn her down.  She has been crying during sex much of the time.  I always tell her that we don’t have to do it if it’s going to upset her.  But she says she doesn’t want to stop.  She says that she just gets emotional and I am reading too much into it.  Why would a separated wife cry during sex? Should we stop this?”

The Emotions Tied Into Separation Sex: I can only speculate as to why your wife might be crying.  It could be that she is feeling emotional because she knows that she still loves you and yet it’s obvious that this is a rough time for your marriage.  It could be that while you are having sex, you are expressing the emotions that she has been feeling all along.  This is the one time where she’s able to be somewhat sure of your love for her as you’re obviously not holding back during sex.  And yet, she knows that once it is over, the two of you will still be separated and your future is still going to be uncertain.  The irony of that may understandably be making her sad.

I would have loved to have had sex with my husband during my own separation, but my husband was not interested. However, I suspect that if we were having sex, I would have shared many of the feelings I’ve described above.  On the one hand, I would have felt happy and tender about the situation, but I would also have been sad that it was happening at a time where my marriage wasn’t where I wanted it to be and was potentially at risk.

Deciding How To Move Forward: As to whether or not you should stop, I think that this is really up to the two of you.  If both people are willing participants and no one feels used or taken advantage of, and if the boundaries are crystal clear and acceptable, then I don’t see the harm. Potential issues arise though when the sex brings about confusion or one of you thinking that it means something while the other person is thinking something else. (And this is very common.  Rarely are both people fine with having it not mean anything.)

I think that it’s important that it’s clear what it means (if anything) and that you’re both being honest as to where the other person stands. Having sex with a wife that you have no intention of one day reconciling with would be wrong and misleading.  But if this isn’t the case (and you haven’t ruled out reconciling) and you’re trying to see if the feelings are still there, then I think this is workable with a few conditions.  I think you have to be fair and faithful (and not seeing or sleeping with other people) and also honest.

It’s probably unrealistic to tell separated couples they should not be having sex.  It appears that so many of them do it and it’s hard to stop all sex when the person you are talking about is your spouse.

Being Open And Transparent:  I think that you have to be careful that you are transparent about your intentions and you don’t use it to take advantage. Your wife’s tears during sex might mean that you both need to open up conversation about this so that you can be sure that she’s not feeling taken advantage of or that she’s being emotionally hurt by this.

Because it can be confusing when someone is willingly and enthusiastically having sex with you and showing you their feelings and emotional connection and then telling you that they aren’t sure they want to be married to you anymore in the days after this.  You can see how this would make someone feel frustrated and sad.

That’s why I think it’s important to honestly ask yourself your intentions and motivations.  If you’re honestly just taking a break, but are still committed to your wife and have every intention of reconciling, than that is a different situation than just enjoying sex with a separated spouse with whom you have no intention of reconciling with.

As I said, my husband and I didn’t have much sex while separated because he wasn’t all that interested in reconciling.  This changed, however, once I tried some new tactics that were effective. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It would be nice if your unhappy spouse would be one hundred percent forthcoming about how he is feeling and about what his marital intentions are moving forward. Often though, you don’t get this type of complete disclosure. Instead, you get a spouse who is telling you that he needs space and might move out while he’s reassuring you that your marriage might not be over.

A wife might say: “my husband has been acting very weird and distant for the last four months. Honestly, I was expecting him to serve me with divorce papers. Our closest friends recently got divorced and my husband has been commenting on how much happier they both seem to be. It just appears that my husband doesn’t think that being with me is what he needs. Last week, he told me that we needed to talk and I braced myself for the divorce talk. But it never came. Instead, my husband said that he didn’t want to live with me anymore in the short term. He said he felt as if our marriage were only treading water and that perhaps we would get some sort of insight by being apart. He said that he can stay in a guest room in the home of a male coworker. I don’t exactly know what to make of this. I asked my husband a couple of times if this meant that he was divorcing me and he said no. He said that he doesn’t want a divorce but that he doesn’t want to live with me right now either. What does this mean?”

Well, only your husband can give you complete insights about what he is thinking and what his intentions are, but it sounds as if he’s pursuing a trial separation in order to see how living apart from you will make him feel. Quite frankly, this is pretty common for couples who are struggling but who also are not yet at the point where they want to get a divorce.

I always find it encouraging when one or both of the spouses are clear that they don’t want a divorce. That doesn’t mean that they won’t eventually divorce if they can’t sort things out, but it is reassuring because some people separate from their spouse as the first step toward easing their spouse into a divorce. The fact that he is insisting that he doesn’t want a divorce is reassuring and means that he doesn’t see the future as set.

Many wives wonder where they go from here because they find themselves in a confusing time. Living alone can feel awkward, foreign, and scary. It can be difficult to classify what type of couple you are now – sure, you’re still married, but how committed can you really be if you’re living apart? Many people struggle with feelings of loss and rejection.

It may be reassuring to know that not all couples who temporary separate end up divorced. Many are able to work through whatever lead one of them to leave in the first place and reconcile. Often, this is the result of at least one spouse who is still very invested and who works tirelessly to keep the marriage together.  Some couples live apart but date one another while they rekindle the spark.   Living apart most certainly doesn’t have to mean that your marriage is over.  Some couples actually live apart some of the time and are very happy with this arrangement.  Some couples continue to live apart and continue on with their original marriage, finding that they really get the best of both worlds.

But to answer the original concern, if I had to guess I would speculate that this situation means that your husband feels that he needs some space to sort things out, but he doesn’t want to take drastic measures beyond this. He doesn’t think that things are so bleak between you that he feels the need to file for a divorce right now. And he may be hopeful that the time apart will help you figure out what you need to do to put your marriage back together again.

Of course, I’m only speculating. But I think that what this possible means for you is that you have some time. You don’t need to act in a panic mode. With the knowledge that he’s not intending to end your marriage right now, you have the luxury of observing and acting deliberately.

With that said, you don’t want to be complacent. There is always a bit of a risk in a separation. So it’s important to make sure that you see and communicate with your spouse regularly. Counseling is extremely helpful if your spouse will agree to it. But if he won’t, then there are things that you can do on your own to help the process along. But the worst thing that you can do is nothing while hoping that things will just work themselves out.

There was a time when my husband and I lived apart during a marital separation.  Frankly, I panicked and I made things much worse for myself.  Our separation lasted for more longer than I anticipated, but it was in part due to my own behavior because I was acting out of fear.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Sometimes, when we get what we have wanted for such a long time, it isn’t exactly how we envisioned it. This is fine if we’re talking about an object or something that isn’t life altering. But when it is our marriage that we are talking about, missing your target can be of the utmost importance.

When you are separated from your spouse, you fantasize about the day you will reconcile and he will come home. Most of us hope for a second honeymoon sort of situation where we can’t get enough of each other and we vow to never be apart again.

Unfortunately, sometimes we only get half of that reality. Some of us do get husbands who come home and we are completely grateful for that. But while he’s physically there, he is not always emotionally there. He may be only putting one toe in the water of your marital swimming pool – not being fully present and not fully expressing his love. This hurts. And it makes you wonder if he only came back for a reason that has nothing to do with being in love with you.

Here’s what I mean. A wife might explain: “I do not want to sound ungrateful. Having my husband home is the best Christmas present I ever got. We were separated for almost a year and there were times when I was sure that we were going to get a divorce. My husband agreed to come stay here to make the kids’ holiday special and he never left. Of course, I was hoping that this would happen and I am absolutely thrilled that it did. But, his presence is here, and his heart is not. I am pretty sure he is here because of the kids and because it is just easier for everyone this way. But in my fantasies, he would touch me like he used to and he would look at me like I am something he loves deeply. Neither has happened. I want him to love me like crazy. I want him to fall deeply in love with me again. But right now, it seems like I am just someone he tolerates or likes as a friend. How can you get your husband to fall back in love with you after the separation is over? I hate to even ask this because I told myself that if I ever got my husband back I would never ask for anything more.”

I think that you have the right to want to feel loved in your marriage and I do not think that you are asking for too much. Luckily, bring back the gestures of love do not need to so overly difficult that they rock the boat or put your reconciliation in jeopardy. Frankly, getting the deep love back is the really icing on the cake and it will make the reconciliation feel better and more “right” for everyone involved.

Don’t Go In With A Defeatist Attitude: You have to get it out of your mind that he does not really want to be there. A lack of confidence is not always seen as being attractive. And, if he truly did not want to be there, then he wouldn’t be. He knows that you are overanalyzing everything that he does or says and this can make him hesitate to show you anything at all.  More than anything, your home should be the place where you husband can exhale deeply and just relax.  It should not be the place where he has to watch everything he says and does.

Also, I want to stress that it’s possible you aren’t reading the situation exactly correctly. Your husband may well still love you deeply but he isn’t completely showing it for various reasons. First, it’s just normal for people to be reluctant to fully open their hearts after a separation. Every one is afraid that things won’t work out and that they will be hurt as a result.

And no one wants to be the person who opens themselves up emotionally and feels rejected when their spouse doesn’t return their feelings. However, for a deep and meaningful connection, this is exactly what is required. You have to open yourself up to fully let the other person in. I suspect that your husband is reluctant to do this, as many people are in the early stages of the reconciliation.

Don’t Try To Overcome His Reservations With Pressure: Sometimes, we try to get past this by pushing our spouse to open up.  But be very careful with this. I firmly believe that pressure is usually the single biggest stressor during a reconciliation. Expectations are and fears are high, but the pressure should be low. People tend to understandably act as if everything is riding on the reconciliation, but this creates awkwardness and tension which in turn make success less likely.

You are better off telling yourself that this is going to take time and you are going to take the small victories at first. That way, it is easier to laugh, to create a relaxed household, and to share things without worrying about what is all means.

Understand What Makes A Man Feel Loving And Loved: I believe that men feel the most love in a couple of situations – when they feel like the situation makes it easy for them to be their best selves and when they are getting the physical feedback that makes them feel good about themselves. When you are giving off the vibe (or telling your husband) that you don’t feel loved, you’re almost telling him that he’s disappointing you and he may retreat even more.

I think it’s better to give him positive feedback when he does something right rather than to panic and criticize when he does something wrong. You want to make him feel that he is happier with you than without you and the way to do that is to laugh, to express love when it feels right, and to accept the little moments knowing that in time, the bigger ones are going to come.

It is easier for men to feel love when they feel appreciated and accepted. In the beginning of your reconciliation, set your expectations a little lower so that he can very easily feel these things. As time goes by, you can then reevaluate but in the beginning, you want to make your goals very easy to achieve so that everyone feels accepted.

Laugh and love without forcing it.  Allow the good times to happen naturally.  If you can make it where your husband looks forward to coming home to you because he knows your home is where he’s loved unconditionally for being himself, the loving gestures will return.  The connection has to be there for the love to come forth.  When you are both open emotionally, it happens in time.

Try to do things that are just going to allow you to enjoy being together and don’t require you to question everything. Know that every day is not going to feel like a romantic reawakening, but you may have little spontaneous moments upon which you can build.

There were times during our reconciliation when I wondered if my husband was deeply in love with me.  But once we were done with the process, I had no doubts and neither did he.  It takes to time to feel the confidence that everything is truly going to be OK.  When this confidence sets in, the walls come down.  At least this was the case with us.  You can see how we got there on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Separated wives often complain that their husband is being elusive about his reason for wanting to separate. Many husbands will only give you very vague reasons – like “being unhappy” – for needing time away.

As frustrating as this lack of information is, such vague reasoning seems to imply that all the husband needs is to time to turn the corner on his happiness level so that the marriage can resume and return back to normal. Unfortunately, this isn’t what always happens. Some of these “unhappy” husbands start out wanting a separation, but then end up wanting a divorce.

Often, the wives who so patiently allowed him his time during the separation can feel a bit cheated. They almost feel as if he misrepresented the whole thing. And many feel that just being less than one hundred percent happy during every waking minute is not a valid reason to seek a divorce.

Here’s an example of a common gripe about this. A wife might say: “I am not going to pretend that my husband was secretive or dishonest about being unhappy because he wasn’t. He said from the start that he wanted this separation because he just was not happy in his life and he felt that he needed to be apart from me in order to evaluate if being alone would make him more happy. Honestly, he seemed just as miserable away from me as he did with me. The separation only seemed to increase his discontent with life in general. I actually thought that this might be a good thing. I had hoped that he would see that his unhappiness had nothing to do with our marriage and that although he may need to make some changes in his life, our relationship was not a change that would help. That’s why I’m so surprised that he’s now telling me that he wants a divorce. He says he’s asking for this because he just isn’t happy being married. I so badly want to reply that he just isn’t happy in general and that until he changes his expectations and way of thinking, nothing is going to change that. Plus if I am being honest, I don’t think that just generally being unhappy is a valid reason to end a long marriage and break up a family. My husband’s selfishness is going to negatively effect my children. I mean, there have certainly been times when I have not been happy. But I do not expect constant happiness. And I know that when I am feeling a little blue, then it is my responsibility to change this. I don’t blame my marriage or my husband for my happiness. And I don’t think that isolating myself is going to make me happy. I think that people who seek divorces because of general unhappiness are kidding themselves. And I don’t think that this is a valid reason to get a divorce. Do you agree?”

I will tell you my opinion with one caveat. It really doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is what the person seeking the divorce thinks. Because you and I can tell your husband that he is wrong or not seeing things clearly, but he probably will only get defensive in response and he will want the divorce that much more. (That’s why you have to be crafty about your strategy, but more on that a little later.)

What Is Only My Opinion:  I tend to believe that you owe it to yourself and to your family to only seek a divorce after you have honestly tried to fix what is broken. I agree with specialists who will tell you that you almost have to “earn” your way out. What I mean by this is that if you go to counseling, work on yourself, try to learn new resolution techniques, etc. and you still feel as if your marriage is not healthy for either of you, well, at that point you can at least know that you did everything that you could before you walked away.

But seeking a divorce before you’ve done this work isn’t ideal for anyone – at least in my opinion. As I’ve said before though, it is not my opinion that matters. If your husband truly believes something, then just telling him that he’s wrong or selfish isn’t likely to do you much good. So what will be more effective?

A Strategy That Might Be More Effective Than Telling Him His Reasoning Isn’t Valid: I think that showing someone something is much more effective than telling them something. Right now, it makes sense to try to do things that might make him change his perception on his ability to be happy while you are still in his life. This means getting along better, being uplifting and a positive presence when he is around you, and finding ways to enhance the level of calm and contentment in your home. Also, finding a way to get into counseling will often help him make the progress that would have been impossible otherwise.

Sure, you can tell him that true happiness must come from within, but he isn’t going to believe you because he knows that you don’t want a divorce. So he thinks that you are just making this claim to keep him with you. But if a specialist is telling him the same thing, then the message carries more weight.

Getting him to accept this can be tricky. You might ask him to go to counseling with you just so that the two of you can navigate what is in front of you in a positive way for the sake of your kids. Or you may read a good self help book and tell him you think he may enjoy it. However you try to deliver the message, know that it will be more effective if it comes from someone other than you.

I know that you think he’s wrong and he may well be wrong. But telling or trying to convince someone that they are wrong will often make them just cling to their position more tightly. In my experience, the best strategy here is to try to create an atmosphere of contentment and act as if you too are invested in the happiness of all members of your family.

Because if you can do this, you may show him that he doesn’t need to be away from you to be happy. In fact, he’s more likely to be happy with you in his life than with you outside of it.

Believe me, when my husband was telling me he wasn’t happy, I tried convincing him that he was selfish, mistaken, or just plain wrong.  This only dug the hole deeper and deeper.  Ultimately, I had to show him rather than tell him. You can read how I did this on blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I often hear from wives whose suspect that their husband is having a midlife crisis. Actually, that sentence is misleading because wives most definitely can have a midlife crisis also. But for whatever reason, it is mostly wives who I hear from.

Many have tried any number of things to get their husband to snap out of his behavior. They have tried to be patient. They have tried pointing out how silly he is acting and how dumb he looks. And some try to take a very hard stand by threatening to move out in order to get their husband’s attention.

A wife might say: “I am about one hundred percent sure that my husband is having a midlife crisis. He bought a motorcycle and now he gets together with these scary looking people and he drives motorcycle all over goodness knows where. I tried to ignore this when it first started. I remembered a very wise pre K teacher telling me to just ignore the behavior in my toddler that I didn’t want to encourage and I figured that same advice was good here. I thought that it would eventually fade out, but it hasn’t. Now, he’s started growing his hair long and not shaving. He wears ridiculous looking clothes. I’m embarrassed to be seen with him. He has asked me to come along on his outings but I don’t want to. Instead, I’ve asked him to scale back. And I’ve told him that I think he’s having a ridiculous midlife crisis but he says I am looking at it in all the wrong way. He says that this is the first time in his life that he actually has the time and money to pursue hobbies and he doesn’t think he’s hurting anyone. My question is what’s wrong with normal hobbies like tennis? I am getting very frustrated with this and I feel like I need to do something to get his attention. I’ve thought about moving out for the short term so he’s sees that I’m serious when I’m asking him to snap out of all this. Many of our mutual friends say that I am overreacting. They say that his behavior is harmless and that he’s tried to include me but I refuse.  I don’t think I’m overreacting. His behavior is drastic so I feel that I have to do something drastic also to get his attention. Is my thinking wrong?”

Well, this is only my opinion. I don’t think that your thought process is completely out of line. But I think that leaving your home might cause more problems than it solves. Because sometimes, a spouse who feels criticized may hold on even more tightly to the behavior that you are trying to get rid of.

He’s likely riding motorcycles and exploring new lifestyles because he feels some vulnerabilities. These vulnerabilities may or may not have to do with aging. But the behaviors meant to make him feel more free are a defense mechanism. So, if you come in and criticize those same things, he may well become more defensive and cling to those behaviors even more. What you might end up with is a husband who grows his hair even longer and rides his motorcycle even more.

You have to ask yourself what your end goal is. If you want to preserve your marriage more than anything else, than leaving your home is not really in alignment with this and seems to risk what you really want.

If you’re trying to find a way to get your husband to stop the behaviors that we associate with a midlife crisis, I can think of better strategies than leaving him. I know that it’s hard to watch the man you love act in a way that you find uncomfortable. So of course you want to get a resolution to this as quickly as you possibly can. But, when you sound like you are being critical of him, then you sometimes make the process take longer because he clings to his new ideals.

Plus, there is a real risk in leaving your home. Many people leave for what they think is only going to be a short amount of time. But, their leaving brings up all sorts of unpleasant issues that erode their relationship even more. And before they know it, they may have a separation on their hands that lasts longer (and has more disturbing implications) than they could have ever imagined.

I know that you want to get his attention, but leaving him is a very risky way to do it. I’ll tell you the method that I have seen end the mid life crisis in a relatively quick and safe way. It may not sound appealing to you, but I believe it’s a better way to address this than leaving.

The best strategy occurs when you understand what it is that your husband really wants. And my theory is what most men in a midlife crisis really want is reassurance. He wants reassurance that his life isn’t mostly over or all downhill from here. He wants reassurance that even though he is aging, he can still have a fun and fulfilling life. He wants reassurance that he can still feel a sense of adventure and joy.

Sure, right now he’s looking for these things on the back of the motorcycle. But if you can find an outlet that you could both enjoy that helps fulfill this for him, then he would no longer have the need to participate in the behaviors that you’re trying to discourage.

I know that perhaps you were hoping that I’d say that leaving him might snap him out of it.  But as someone who has been through a painful separation, this is just not something that I’d be willing to risk. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you would have told me at the start of my martial separation that I was really lucky to have it, I never would have believed you. In my mind, the separation was one of the worst experiences of my life – and was the opposite of lucky.

However, once I started sharing this experience, I heard from many folks who were never given the reprieve of the separation. Their husband went right to wanting a divorce. Some of them had very little warning. And while I know from experience that facing a separation can feel very dire and immediate, knowing that you’re facing a divorce must feel much more so.

I do hear from many wives going through this and most of them want to know if there is any way at all to change their husband’s mind. Understandably, many of them come from quite a desperate place and many will fully admit that they are willing to try just about anything to bring about a change.

An example is a situation like this one: “I am in a serious panic because last night my husband told me to expect divorce papers within the next week. I am not totally shocked, but I had really hoped that he would agree to counseling before he filed. I had really hoped that he would give us one last chance to work out our problems. But he did neither. As upset as I am at him for all of this, I want my marriage back. And I know that in order to do that, I have got to change his mind. What things can I do that will actually work? I know that this is almost going to take a miracle, but I am willing to try anything. At this point, what do I have to lose?”

I can certainly tell you some of the things that I see work and that I see not work. But of course, everything is subjective. What works for one person may not work for another and vice verse. I don’t know your husband or the background involved, so know that this is just a general list with general suggestions. Use your own knowledge of the situation to come up with the best plan. First, I’ll talk about the things that I see not only not working, but actually making things worse.

Things That Rarely Work:

Showing Him Very Negative Aspects Of Yourself: I know first hand that it is almost impossible to remain calm and positive when you are so fearful. But many of us act in ways that we find downright embarrassing later. If you give in to this temptation, you might find that your husband is thinking ‘boy, I got out just in time. Who wants to be married to someone like that – so angry and accusatory all of the time?’

Trying To Make Him Feel Like He’s Done Something Wrong Or Should Feel Badly: One of the most common strategies used in this situation is to try to make your husband feel as if he is wrong. (And I used this with disastrous results.) Wives either try to make him believe that he did not read the situation accurately or that he is asking too much.

When this doesn’t work, many will try to come at this another way. They will try to make him feel badly about the whole thing. They’ll try to make him feel pity or guilt. But what you don’t realize at the time is that even if you are successful in making him feel all of these things, he is more likely to want to escape. When something that you do makes someone feel bad about the situation or themselves, then they are likely to limit their contact with you.

And when your husband wants to limit his contact, he may want the divorce that much more. I know that you may think if he feels badly, he may take pity on you and stay. But I find this to be rare. He will often feel pity, but he will want to escape rather than stay. Which actually makes things worse for you instead of making them better what you.

The same is true for trying to elicit other negative emotions like jealousy. The bottom line is that it is human nature to want to escape negative emotions. And his wanting to escape means a faster divorce.

Here are some things that I find much more likely to work than those things listed above.

Showing Him Real Change That Can Be Believed: It is just common sense that if you remove whatever is making him want to end the marriage, then he may drop the divorce. However, this is not as easy as it sounds. Often, when I ask wives why their husband is unhappy with the marriage, many of them will reply that they don’t really know. Many of them generally know that he is unhappy and that is about it.

This is a situation where you really do have to know your husband quite well. You have to use your knowledge of him and the clues that he has likely been giving you. And if you evaluate this as best as you can and are still coming up short, then you can at least try to improve your current interactions with him.

You likely already know the types of behavior and actions he responds positively to. Now is the time to use the knowledge that you’ve acquired during the relationship.

Inspiring Him To Remember The Positive Things About You And Your Marriage: One of the cruelest ironies of this is that never has it been so important for you to make a lasting and positive impression on your husband and never has it been so hard to do so.

When everything is going well and your love is the focus, it’s very easy to be sweet and loving. But when things are this awful, it’s far more easier to lash out and show your fear than it is to show the best parts of yourself. I know it is asking a lot to show him your dignity, your integrity, and your strength in the face of all of this.

But that is exactly the best thing to do. Because doing this makes him remember who and what you were. And that is the thing that is most likely to make him reconsider. If he can remember how good it used to be, then it is much easier for him to question if he really wants to let it go.

I know the things that do work only because I tried the things that didn’t work and almost got divorced as a result.  I was able to rebound and clean up the messes I made.  We reconciled, but not before a lot of painful time had passed.  You can read more on my blog here.

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By: Leslie Cane: If I were to ask most people to envision the process of fixing a marriage, I think that many would describe a very lengthy and painful process which requires both spouses be present and motivated. Most people picture two spouses in a counseling room over and over again over a long period of time. Tears are shed. Breakthroughs are made. The road is bumpy at times but, with a lot of hard work, the marriage is saved and the couple survives.

In actuality, this is how it happens sometimes. But not always. And the problem with that mental image is that people who have spouses who are reluctant to fix or save their marriage in the traditional way can think that their marriage is doomed. It is a common belief that it takes two very active people to fix a marriage. Unfortunately, many people firmly believe that if BOTH people aren’t one hundred percent committed, then there is nothing you can do.

I do not believe this. I am biased though. In my own case, my husband wanted absolutely nothing to do with the marriage saving process. He was not going to lift a finger to help me. And yet, we are still married today. I am not going to tell you that he did not eventually get with the program because he did. But initially, he wanted no part of it. I had to break through his initial reservations and this took a while. But I believe that my situation is by no means unique.

Here’s a typical situation that a wife might describe: ” my marriage has become pretty bad. I can’t tell you what our core problem is because every disagreement seems to become yet another problem. All my husband and I seem to do is to fight. We can not talk like normal adults and then things get out of hand and we are angry at each other. My husband says that we have become like oil and water and that our marriage has become too toxic to save. I disagree. We have neighbors that did some counseling and they learned how to fight in a different way so that they actually solve their problems rather than fight about them. I don’t see why my husband and I can’t learn the same skills. And I know that the love is still there. It’s just that we don’t seem to known how to relate to each other anymore. I want so badly to fix my marriage, but I’m not sure how I can do it when he’s so reluctant.”

I felt this way also. But I’ve learned that you have to roll up your sleeves and get to work with the resources you have available. Right now, what you have available to you is your own willingness. And that’s a valuable asset.

Start With What You Can Control: Ideally, you will want to start with what is easiest. You want to start where you know that you can have some control and therefore some success. The person you can control right now is you. Nothing says that you can’t learn conflict resolution and model it. Having one spouse that can pause the conflict and try to move it toward resolution rather than more conflict can’t help but make things better. And honestly, when things get better, your husband is much more likely to come around, especially when he sees that this isn’t a lost cause.

Understand The Core Of His Reluctance: What is the number one reason that people feel reluctant about anything? Fear of failure. Most of us fear that we will put in a lot of effort for nothing and this keeps many of us from even stepping up to the plate. Men who are reluctant to save their marriages envision themselves with a tissue on a counselor’s couch opening themselves up to strangers and spending a lot of money in the process. I’ve had men communicate to me that the only people successful in the saving marriage business are counselors and attorneys. This is often the attitude that you have to overcome, but you will have more success when you show him your point  instead of telling him about your point. Instead of telling him that he’s wrong, just show him that he is.

Progress Will Usually Open His Mind A Bit: When you change yourself, your perceptions, and your behaviors, you will usually feel a shift in your marriage and that shift will lead to noticeable improvements. The goal is that eventually, your husband will see these improvements and realize that you haven’t wasted your time and money. You’re actually seeing results and you’ve not gone through a painful and expensive process. He looks around and he realizes that his life is easier and his marriage is a good deal better.

This is usually the start of him overcoming his reluctance and opening himself up to really trying and believing that your marriage isn’t as far gone as he thought.

Overcoming Your Own Fear Of Failure: Sometimes when I explain the above to people, I can literally see or hear the light bulb going off. I can see that they are just beginning to dare to hope and yet, I can almost feel them pulling back on the reigns.  Because I’m seeing or hearing their own reluctance and their own fear of failure.

Every one is afraid to fail and to feel rejected. That is why, sometimes even when we truly want to save our marriage, we stop short because we don’t want to be the only one. In this case, you have to just tell yourself that if you are successful initially, you will not be the only one for long.

And if you allow your fear of failure to keep you from those initial first steps, then your behavior is mirroring your husband’s. Someone has to be that brave person who just starts. What is the worst thing that can happen? You failed? Well, in that case you wouldn’t have lost much because you’d be in the same position in you are in now. And at least you will now that you didn’t surrender something as precious as your marriage without a fight.

And you just might be successful. All because you will willing to take that first step alone.

I am glad that I took that first step. I was determined to save my marriage when every one (including my husband) was telling me that I was wasting my time.  I’m glad I didn’t listen because we’re still married today and he no longer thinks that is a waste of time.  I know that firsthand. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: It’s normal to fear the worst when you’re facing or in the middle of a marital separation. Even when people are reassuring you that it’s probably going to be OK and even when you hear of people who reconciled shortly after their separation, you may expect that you are going to fare far worse than most or you are going to be the low score on the bell curve.

And when your separation seems to be going nowhere quickly, it’s normal to take a pessimistic view of the whole thing.  You may feel like this whole “marriages that survive the separation” talk is a farce and that people who seek separations are really just taking the first step toward divorce.

Someone might ask this very direct question: “do marriages really survive trial separations? Because I look around and I don’t see one marriage that I have personal knowledge of that has been able to do that. Not one. Admittedly, it’s possible that I have friends and colleagues that had bad marriages. But I swear none of them have made it. And now my husband and I are just starting our separation. I’m trying to have a good attitude and to think that if I played my cards right, we might have a chance. But my husband is so distant to me that I feel like he’s only going through the motions. I feel like this whole separation idea is just so he can act as if he really tried so that my parents don’t hate him. I am starting to think that marriages which make it through separations are a myth –  like bigfoot or something. Or it is just something that marriage counselors try to claim.”

I know firsthand that it can certainly feel that way. I used to worry about the exact same reality that you believe you might be facing right now. However, my marriage did survive the marital separation. And because of the articles I write, I do hear from a good number of folks who have done the same. Granted, to be fair, I am probably not nearly as likely to hear from people who didn’t have good results. So by no means is this a scientific sampling. But from these results and those that I’ve witnessed for myself, I certainly don’t think that marriages making it through a separation are a myth.

There are absolutely marriages that do not make it.  And there are absolutely couples who still love one another than end up divorced.  But there are absolutely couples who manage to work it out.

The Odds May Be Better Than You Think:  I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just me with my preconceived notions who felt this way, so I did a little research. I admit that there are not that many statistics out there. But I did find a Wall Street Journal article that interviewed a marriage counselor with twenty years of experience. She indicated that about half of her clients who separated remained married at the end of the process and half did not.

Those might be better odds than you anticipated, but half still did not make it. If these statistics are to be believed, then you’d have a 50 / 50 chance of saving your marriage during a separation. And those are by no means impossible odds.

How You Can Increase Your Own Odds: But I think that with a decent strategy, you can do better than those odds. Because from my own observations in my own life, I’ve seen that many of the couples who didn’t make it truly didn’t have a plan. Much of the time, one couple leaves the other out of anger and the communication deteriorates from there. Also, some of these couples did not maintain their commitment to their spouse during the separation.  One or both did not remain faithful. Many chose to date others or “sow their wild oats” during their separations.

This complicates matters a great deal and just adds more confusion and anger to the mix. The good news is that you can set up your separation differently. If you haven’t already done so, try to agree to some guidelines and boundaries. Agree to how often you will communicate and see one another. Define how you will work on and try to overcome the issues that divide you.

Frankly, having a counselor, or at least some sort of written or agreed upon plan, can help to keep you on track and can keep you from becoming one of those couples who rarely communicate during their separation so that they grow further and further apart.

Many people are content to just “wait and see how it goes” or to “play it by ear,” but in my observation, doing so puts your marriage at risk. It is so much better to have a plan and to evaluate what is working and what is not.

I can’t claim that my husband and I did everything listed above, especially at first. But I believe our inability to plan is what almost lead us to divorce. In this case, my pessimistic outlook actually helped me because I was always observing my separation and evaluating what was happening. This lead me to take some action when my husband was perfectly content to watch and wait. (I believe if both of us had this attitude we would be divorced right now. I believe that at least one person needs to really observe what is going on and then work to get back on track.)

But I’m getting off topic a bit. To answer the question. No, marriages surviving separations is not a myth. It does happen. My inclination tells me that it happens quite a bit and my research indicates that it happens about half of the time. But I believe that you can increase the odds of it happening for you by being proactive and having a plan. You can read more about how I turned my own situation around on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I have found that people’s behavior during a trial separation can often go into one of two categories. There are those who are on their absolute best behavior. And those who are on their absolute worst behavior. I suppose you could argue that there is a second category for people who fluctuate between the two categories. Admittedly, I was in the bad behavior category for much of my own separation. And then I wised up and ended up in the good category. If I’d never done this, I doubt that I would still be married today, (but a little more on that later.) It’s hard to act in the same way all of the time when you’re scared and worried about the future of your marriage.

Some people tell me that they worry about not being their authentic selves during their separation. They often describe it as feeling like they have to bite their tongue or step on egg shells. They feel like they need to always be nice to their spouse, even if they are actually pretty angry. Some have told me that they feel like they have to ‘woo’ their spouse or continuously try to get into his good graces.

And this can be very frustrating. Someone might have this type of complaint: “honestly, my husband was straightforward about why he left me. He said that he did not feel loved. He said that I prioritized my relationship with everyone but him. At first, I argued with him about this, but then I decided to take an honest look at the situation. And I saw places where I could do better. It made me sad to think that my husband wouldn’t feel loved. So during our separation, I took out all of the stops. Once, when I knew he had a presentation, I bought him a new shirt and tie. When he was sick, I brought over homemade soup. When his sister got kicked out of her home, I let her live with me for a while. My kindness to my husband did pay off. He became much more receptive to me. However, if I stop making an effort, for even a short time and for even a little bit, he notices and complains. I don’t dare ask him to make an effort for me, because it seems to be all about him. If I have a bad day or I forget to woo him, he goes on and on about all of the not feeling loved nonsense. The thing is, I do love him and I want for him to feel loved. But I am not sure that I am prepared to woo him and court him and carry on like this for the rest of my life. When is it too much? How can I communicate this to him?”

I understand what you are feeling. I went through a similar situation and I struggled with it. I ultimately decided to try to find some compromise. I had to be honest with myself and understand that my husband was correct in many of his complaints. And these complaints lead to our separating. And the way that the lightbulb clicked off was pretty unexpected.

Evaluating If He Is Asking For Too Much: One day I was on public transit when I had to go to somewhere that was unfamiliar to me and I did not want to drive. I struck up a conversation with a stranger and of course made a real effort to be polite and witty. I left the experience feeling uplifted and optimistic about the goodness of people.  And then it hit me then that sometimes I am nicer and more complementary to strangers than my own husband.  Right then and there, I vowed to change that.

Did this feel inauthentic and like it was all a huge effort sometimes? Yes, absolutely. But was the effort worth it? Without any question.  It lead to a reconciliation. And here’s something else. It may have felt a little inauthentic at first, but this passed because treating my husband a little better became second nature after a while and it felt like no effort at all once it became a habit.

Better than that, my husband started making the same effort with me and this honestly transformed our marriage and our interactions with one another. The truth is, simple kindness and affection isn’t really any additional work.

It May Not Take As Much Effort As You Think: We often think our spouse is looking for grand gestures or for us to go over the top with the whole thing. I’ve learned that this is not necessarily the case. Bringing your spouse coffee when you’re getting some for yourself, giving your spouse a sincere compliment, and doing what you can to be a good listener and lightening your spouse’s load doesn’t need to take up a lot of time. And you will often find him returning the favor so that this small effort is more than worth it.

However, if you feel taken advantage of, then you could tone it down so that it’s within your comfort level. I honestly do think that most people don’t truly expect for you to do something huge that requires a lot of trouble every day. They just want to feel appreciated and seen. And often, this doesn’t require a lot.

Sometimes, if you just pay a little more attention and make a tiny bit more effort, then that is all it takes. And the dividends for this are huge. Isn’t it worth it if this effort helps you to get your husband back?

I thought it was. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, I still make an effort to do it today. Because it’s such a habit for me that I don’t even have to think about it anymore.

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