Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: As women, we are trained and socialized to feel things deeply and to not be afraid to discuss these feelings. Men are socialized differently. Although times are definitely changing and men today discuss their feelings more deeply than their fathers and grandfathers did, most do not express them as often as their sisters and mothers.

This isn’t always a problem, except when you are dealing with a relationship where feelings (and expressing them) are vitally important as in the case of marriage. When you have a wife who deeply cares about sharing her feelings and then getting feedback on them, this difference in communication styles can create a real problem. Some of us not only want to express our feelings, but we want to know that we are heard. We want to know that we are understood. In short, we want, and we need, for our husband to validate our feelings. Because when this doesn’t happen, it can negatively affect our marriage and the connection that we share with our husbands.

It could be described in this way: “lately, I can not help but get the distinct vibe that my husband does not take my feelings seriously.  He has been doing a lot of things lately that hurt my feelings. He doesn’t make time for me or my marriage and he doesn’t make me feel special. He used to pay attention to these things when we first got married, but now he doesn’t. When I try to bring his attention to this, he literally laughs at me and says that I sure have high expectations. It is as if he does not accept my feelings as valid. This isn’t even limited to our marriage. He ignores my feelings about every day things.  I’m really getting upset about this, but when I try to talk to my husband about it, once again he tells me that I am overreacting and he doesn’t validate me all over again. This is causing serious problems. I get angry and he thinks that I am needy. I love my husband. But I do not want to go through life married to someone who acts as if I do not matter. I need to be with someone who highly values how I feel and is willing to listen and take me seriously.”

Achieving Perspective: I know that this must be frustrating. And you have every right to want to feel heard and cared for, especially in the relationship that is most important to you. I’ll offer some tips to try to help you make that happen. But before I do that, I’d like to try to put this into perspective. And I am not defending your husband. But I want to stress that this is a problem for many men and you’re seeing it doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t love you anymore or that he doesn’t love you as much. It just means that you have to encourage him to demonstrate behavior that may not come naturally to him because of his personality or his upbringing.

Men often are taught to downplay feelings and right now, you are trying to completely reverse this. It may feel foreign to your husband and he may not do everything perfectly. So you have to be patient and lap on the praise when he tries, but falls short. You may have to settle for a little less in the beginning and then just gradually work your way up from there. Because the last thing you want to happen is for your husband to feel as if you disapprove of his efforts, that he is not making you happy, and so he shuts down.

Pitfalls To Avoid While Giving Yourself Part Of What You Need: You have to be very careful that you do not make this sound like a criticism or so that it doesn’t come off like you think your husband isn’t doing a good enough job of giving you what you need. Along those same lines, I have come to learn that although I expect my husband to listen to me talk about my feelings and sympathize with me, sometimes I truly have to offer validation to MYSELF. Or get it from my girlfriends. Why? Because my husband is not a woman and therefore, he sees the world differently than I do. This doesn’t mean that he’s free to dismiss what I feel.  I expect him to listen and to experience things right along with me. But, as a man, he is not going to share my world view or completely understand everything that I am feeling. Men just process differently.

A Careful Way Of Phrasing Your Request: You have every right to ask for what you are not getting. But you want to frame it in a way that makes him willingly want to do better. You might try: “honey, I know that I can be sensitive and, as you put it ‘needy.’ But it’s very important to me that you listen when I try to share my feelings with you. I know that you aren’t going to feel the exact same things at the exact same times. And I am not expecting for you to solve all of my problems. But if you would just listen and tell me that you hear what I am saying and that you are trying to understand, that would mean the world to me. It’s a small change that I’m asking for, but I believe that it would change our marriage for the better.”

Mirroring Can Completely Change The Way That You Share Your Feelings: After expressing what you want, you want to begin learning how to mirror. Mirroring means that when you and your husband talk about something important, you get in the habit of repeating it back. So if I were to say to my husband: “I wish you weren’t working this weekend because I made plans last week and now they are ruined.” He’d say back. “If I’m hearing you right, you’re upset that we can’t spend time together this weekend because I have to work? Is that right?”

When I confirm that he understood me, he might say: “well, I have all day Sunday for us to do something.”

The idea is that by having the person repeat back what you’ve said, you not only feel heard, but you avoid any confusion about what you’re actually saying and you train yourself to find the compromise.

I find this to work very well because you are both having to learn a new skill. You are both having to work together. And the way that the conversation is framed, you can’t help but feel heard and validated and no one feels criticized.

I can’t tell you that my husband and I always communicate perfectly. But we have come a long way from the couple who couldn’t communicate at all during their separation.  Now, I am pretty sure that most of the time, he hears and understands me.  It took work though.  But it was worth it.  You can read more of our story on my blog http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you love your spouse and are invested in your marriage, you just naturally want to spend time with them and are generally happy in their presence. This is just the natural product of a good marriage and it generally comes easily – without any effort. Which is why this sort of arrangement and atmosphere can be hard to fake.

Generally, it’s fairly obvious when one person in the marriage is less than happy. Sometimes, long periods of time will go by when the unhappy spouse doesn’t say anything about it. Yet, the happy spouse generally knows it anyway because it’s fairly obvious.  It’s just something that you can feel.

Someone might explain it this way: “for the past six months, it has been pretty evident that my husband isn’t happy with me. I tried to tell myself that I was imagining it. I tried to reason that this is what you have to expect when you’ve been married for a while. But I just don’t think that is it. People started to notice. When my husband and I were out with others, friends would literally ask me what is wrong between us because he seemed almost miserable in my presence. The other day, I had to work. My husband was going out with friends and he seemed to be looking forward to it. He seemed happy in anticipation of it. Well it turned out that we weren’t that busy at work, so my boss told me that I didn’t have to come in. I happily told my husband that I’d be happy to join him after all and his face just dropped. He went from being happy to being miserable in about two seconds. I asked him if he didn’t want me coming along. And it was at that point that he told me that he needed space from me and that he didn’t want me attending everything he does. I can’t act like I’m shocked by this. My presence has made him unhappy for a while. But I don’t know what to do about this because I want my marriage. I don’t feel the way that he does. I never want my space from him. I never feel that I don’t want him coming along. How do I handle this? Does he not love me anymore?”

I can’t speculate as to whether or not he currently feels loving feelings toward you. Not only is there not enough information, but this is not for me to say. We do know one thing for sure though. And we know this because the husband himself has told us – he wants space. I know that for many of us, this is about the worst thing that we could imagine. When this happened to me, it was my inclination to be scared to give the space. I envisioned my husband having the time of his life without me and deciding that because of this, he didn’t need to be married to me anymore. And so I clung. I did everything possible to ensure he didn’t have even a tiny bit of space. This went on until he left me in order to get that space.

Know That If You Withhold The Space, He May Want It Even More: My point is that often, when it gets to this point, clinging or refusing to back away will only make it worse. He will only want to get away even faster. I know that hurts. But the only way to allow him to see that his thinking is wrong is to allow him the thing that he wants so that he can see for himself that it isn’t what he thought or that it doesn’t fix his problem.

As hard as it may be, I don’t see the harm in just letting him go on the outing and giving him that space. Consider telling him that it’s no problem and that you too could use a day just to yourself enjoying the unexpected gift of not having to work. Go ahead and do whatever would be pleasing to you whether this is going out with your girlfriends, shopping, or just enjoying the quiet of your home with a good movie.

Stay Positive So That He’s Uplifted When He Reaches Out To You: Whatever you do, don’t dwell on it. Keep an upbeat attitude. Then, get quiet and ask yourself if there is anything that your husband has said directly that might offer some clues as to why he might need the space. Sometimes, it’s as simple as the fact that occasionally he’d like to be with his friends alone. This doesn’t always mean that he’s unhappy or doesn’t love you. It just means that he can have male bonding with his friends without his wife.  Many men who love their wives want and need this.

If that’s not it, then perhaps there is something in your time together that makes him feel not free to be himself or to relax. I’m only speculating. I can’t possibly know the specifics. But generally before he will ask for space, he will give you clues as to why he’s unhappy. He may call you clingy or nagging. Whatever the case, if you can pinpoint what it is about your presence that’s bothering him, then you can evaluate if he has a valid concern that can be changed.

If so, set out to change it and allow the time to work for you. Sometimes, he gets his space and he comes back refreshed. Other times, he comes back and you’ve addressed the problem so that every one is happier. But in my opinion, the worst thing that you can do is to not only refuse the space, but to continue on in the same way that’s clearly not working as well as it could be.

I wish I had followed my own advice and given my own husband space.  I didn’t and he left.  It was very hard to get home to come home at that point, but I eventually did.  And I learned to relate to him in a much different and a much better way.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane:  Many people who reach out to me are trying to find a way to make their marriage work even during the most difficult of times.  It can be hard enough to save a struggling marriage when both people are motivated and you are still living together.  But it is even harder to save it after or when you’re living apart and are separated.  Because the separation can bring on a lot of hurt feelings and resentments that just add to the list of things that you have to overcome.

Someone might have this to say: “after months of being separated, my husband is finally willing to spend time with me and talk to me regularly.  I have been wanting this for months, but he was cold and distant.  I used to beg him to see me at least once a week and he would always have every excuse imaginable.  Now all of a sudden he wants to see me again and things are going OK.  In fact, last night he let it slip that eventually, he might be open to our marriage again.  I have mixed feelings.  This is what I have been wanting to hear for weeks, if not months.  And I should be overjoyed that he’s finally coming around.  But I am somewhat angry that it took him this long.  And I am resentful that he separated from me in the first place.  Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but there was no need to live apart.  I felt so rejected. And I felt like he did not think that I was good enough for him.  So all of this makes me doubt any reconciliation.  Why would he suddenly be open to me now when I was not good enough for all of this time?  Deep down, I know that I want to save my marriage.  But I am angry and hurt.  How do I get past this so that I can embrace what I have wanted for so long?”

What you are feeling is very common and very understandable.  When I was separated, some of my friends and family members became very angry at my husband because they thought that he was treating me pretty badly.  I thought this too, at least sometimes.  But if I am being honest with myself, I was pretty needy toward him and I think that he eventually became frustrated with this.  When he started to pull away, I responded by pushing even harder and so things deteriorated rapidly.

Eventually, things changed for me also.  My husband did almost an about face and although I was thrilled, I also had nagging doubts that truly put everything at risk.  There were times when I wondered how he could be as sweet as he was some of the time considering how he wanted nothing to do with me not so much earlier.

When I was being honest though, I had to admit that I had changed my strategy, which in turn changed his attitude toward me.  So that was some of the problem. But I still had some anger that he wanted to separate in the first place.

I can’t pinpoint an exact thought or time that allowed me to turn the corner.  I think that ultimately, I was so tired of dwelling on negative emotions.  I finally had a chance to focus on more positive things so I decided that I was not going to dwell on the negative when there was so much positive right in front of me.

Yes, there were times when I felt very rejected and when I felt that all of it was so unfair to me.  But if I carried that around with me, then all I was doing was prolonging the bad feelings and pretty much guaranteeing that they would continue.  But if I let the bad feelings go and looked forward, not only would I feel better, but I would increase the chance that I could leave the bad feelings behind for good.

I don’t mean to make it sound as simple as just making a decision to change your mindset.  It’s not as easy as that.  But if you change your mindset and then you open yourself up to new experiences with your spouse and things go well, then it becomes so much easier.  Why?  Because you are getting the pay off of reconnecting and having fun with your spouse.  Happy times and good feelings flood you and sort of force out the negativity, the resentments, and the doubts.

If you vow to be open and to quiet the negativity and resentments when you are together, then you give things a chance to work.  And when things start working and you are reconnecting, that feels good.  That feels like a relief.  And the bad feelings just naturally begin to quiet.

The first step is deciding that you are going to turn away from the negativity and turn toward a better future.  Then, you must commit to being open to new experiences and reconnecting while moving forward.  You may have some bumps along the way, but as things improve and get better, it’s natural to let go of the resentments because honestly, they do not serve you and they just keep you in the past.

I won’t pretend that I did not struggle with this.  But I intuitively knew that if I let my resentments take over, I was going to ruin my chance to reconcile with my husband.  And that is what I wanted more than anything. You can read the rest on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I occasionally hear from wives who are participating in behavior which they know is hurting their marriage and yet they can not stop. Many of them want to understand why they are acting as they are in the hopes that this knowledge might help them to pin down their motivations and help them to phase out the behavior. One example is that of trust.

A wife might be having severe difficulties trusting her husband and yet she doesn’t know why. She knows that this is seriously damaging her marriage and frustrating her husband and yet she can not stop. She might explain it this way: “honestly, my husband hasn’t done much to justify the way that I am acting. He hasn’t ever cheated on me, that I know of. Yesterday in our joint email which we both use I saw that he had a friend request from an old girlfriend. He obviously wasn’t trying to hide it. He didn’t even delete it. I looked on his list of friends and she wasn’t even on there so I can be pretty sure that my husband didn’t even accept the request. I am now panicked about this even though I obviously do not have any reason to be. This isn’t the first time that something like this has happened either. I always suspect my husband of hiding issues of money with me even though he’s never bounced a check and I’ve never caught him doing anything financially that would put us in jeopardy. When I bring up any suspicions to him, he understandably gets angry at me. He says he feels like he just can’t win with me. He says that I am always looking for flaws. He’s right. But I can’t stop my suspicions from coming up. It’s just a feeling that nags at me and I don’t know why. Any ideas as to why I am feeling this way? Is my intuition trying to tell me something?”

Ask Yourself If You’re Projecting Something From Your Past Into The Present: This is a tough question to answer since studies have shown that women’s intuition can be accurate. However, we’ve all had that experience where we think that we just “know” something to be true and then it turns out that we were projecting our own worries onto that thing and we were absolutely wrong. So not only did we bring a lot of anxiety onto ourselves unnecessarily, we have hurt the person we suspected in the first place even though they were completely innocent.

I suspect a couple of reasons as to why this might be happening. The first is fear of an undesirable outcome in the future. We are afraid of losing our husbands. So we approach the situation with dread. Likely because of something that happened to us in the past, we expect the worst and so we are always looking for it.

In my own case, I find that much of this, at least in me, stems from a couple of different issues. I’ve had a good therapist confirm that this is probably the case. And although I can’t tell you for sure if this is your issue also, it’s my understand that it is very common in women whose fathers were distant or absent. My parents are divorced. After their divorce, I went from being very close to my dad to rarely seeing him. Because of this, I felt somewhat abandoned by the man who was closest to me and whose relationship I needed and wanted the most.

I suspect that this is why I was always afraid that my husband was going to leave me. So I was always looking for signs that he wasn’t happy or was dissatisfied. Ironically enough, he wasn’t unhappy in the beginning, but after dealing with my fears and accusations for long enough, he eventually became unhappy. (And we eventually separated, but more on that later.)

Another thing that I think contributes to the lack of trust is dealing with infidelity at any time in your life. In college, I had a two year relationship that was quite important to me. This was the guy who I very naively thought I was going to marry. As many young men will do, he cheated on me. And it was so very painful and shocking. I’m not sure why it shocked me so much. I’d seen my own mom be cheated on by many of the men that she dated after her divorce.  I had seen high school boyfriends cheat on my friends.  And we were so young that we both did things to each other that weren’t indicative of serious relationships. And yet because of this, my subsequent relationships were damaged. I was always waiting for the next guy to cheat on me and I was always watching for signs that he would. Of course, my behavior made it more likely that he was going to cheat.

I can’t know if you have any of this in your past, but I’m pretty sure that the majority of women have at least some of it.  Almost all of us have a man in our childhood or young adult lives who severely disappointed us. So how do you change this when you can’t change the past? Well, you can vow not to distrust your husband until he gives you a reason not to. Unless you have caught him doing something, then why punish him for something he never did? In short, when I do this to my own husband, I am making this innocent man pay for my father’s mistakes and my ex boyfriend’s mistakes. And this just isn’t fair. So I always try to be very aware of when I am projecting and when I need to back away.

As I alluded to, I firmly believe that my lack of trust and paranoia was at least one of the things that lead up to my separation.  Luckily, I was able to change my outlook and save my marriage eventually.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are a parent and your spouse threatens you with a divorce, one of the first things you will often do is to consider your children. Many people are fully aware that a separation and divorce is hard on children. Occasionally though, people will tell me of a spouse who insists that separating or divorcing is going to be more beneficial to the kids than living in a home with all of the conflict.

When this happens, it can be difficult to come up with a sound strategy. Because it can be harder to show your spouse a benefit to staying together when he believes that doing so is going to be detrimental to your family. Someone might explain: “I will admit that life in my house has not been great over the past year. My husband had what I think is an inappropriate relationship with someone at work. I won’t go as so far as to say they slept together or even got physical, but they definitely were closer and more important to one another than was appropriate. And they definitely snuck around and spent time together without telling their spouses. I won’t call it an affair, but it has made me question my husband and treat him differently. As a result, our marriage has struggled and we have been fighting more than we normally would. Things are admittedly tense in our house. But I always had the hope that we would work it out. Well, I was shocked when last night my husband told me that he was pretty sure that he wanted a divorce. I told him how shocked I was and I asked him how he could even bring this up because of our kids. We both come from divorced parents and we have always said we would never put our children through a divorced home. My husband’s response to me was that he thinks separating or divorcing is actually better for our children since they are seeing a lot of fighting and drama. I admit that I’m not proud that my kids have seen us fighting. But if we could just work out our issues, the fights would stop. Our kids know that they are loved and I’m sure they would rather stay put then see their parents divorce. We discussed this for quite some time, but for the most part, he wouldn’t budge. He said he would consider a separation instead of a divorce, at least for right now, but he insisted that ultimately, he doesn’t think that we are going to make it. I’m devastated. First, I deal to deal with the inappropriate work relationship and now this. I feel like everything has been taken away from me.”

A Spouse Who Initially Wants A Divorce Does Not Always Follow Through, Especially If Positive Changes Are Made: I am sorry that you are going through this. But maybe I can offer some positive perspective. A husband saying that he wants a divorce does not always mean that a divorce is definitely going to occur. My husband talked about divorce almost constantly before our separation and we are still married, although we had some very rocky and scary times. There was a time when I was sure that my separation was going to end in divorce.

And I fully realize that some marriages can’t be saved. But some can. The way that your husband feels now may change if you can make some progress in the days to come. It’s going to be important that you do not panic and allow the fear to drive you to do regrettable or desperate things. You don’t want for the fear to make you paranoid and apt to pick fights.

Your goal should be to fight less when you may be tempted to fight more. You have to train yourself to take a step back and evaluate what you’re going to say or do. You have to ask yourself if what you are considering is going to bring you closer to a reconciliation or further from it.

Taking The Kids Out Of It: I know that your kids seem paramount to this process. But I think that for now, you want to focus on giving them access to two calm parents who love them. You can’t foresee what the future is going to bring. And if there is a separation, you want to make sure that they see both of their parents often. And I think that everyone knows that being in a two parent household is best for children. Yes, a home with drama is not ideal.  And you never want to put your kids in a situation where they are being damaged or hurt.  But it doest sound like this is the case.   And with counseling or some of help, the drama can be erased. I believe that it is certainly worth it to try to erase the drama before you break up your family.

Getting your husband to agree with this might be tricky, but I think that the first step is going to be showing him that the drama can be decreased and eventually erased. Sometimes, counseling can definitely help convince him of this.

Other times, a break can actually be beneficial because it makes people more willing to be flexible and to compromise. Sometimes, this is the first step toward tacking the drama. But lessening the conflict is key because if your husband can see the household starting to calm down, then he may see that the two of you living together can become beneficial to your kids again.

At this point, I don’t think that your best strategy is focusing on the kids, since he’s already rejected that.  I’m no expert, but I think the best strategy is focusing on lessening the conflict.  When I was able to change the focus away from negative things and towards positive things during , this made all of the difference.  There’s more to the story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: When you are first separated and your husband isn’t all that open to spending time with you, there are certain thoughts that cross your mind. One is almost always that if you ever find yourself in a situation where your husband is receptive to you and wants to spend time with you, then you are going to pounce on that opportunity.

But when that time comes, you can start to wonder if being so available makes sense from a strategic standpoint. Many wives can’t help but notice that their separated husband seems to have the best of both worlds – he gets his freedom and he gets to act as if he’s single – and then when he feels like being a family man, well he gets that too because he has a wife who is willing to accommodate him the second he feels receptive again. Additionally, the wife often worries that if she is too accommodating, he may take her for granted or not have the time to miss her.

She may describe it this way: “when my husband and I first separated, I admit that I was desperate. I kept bugging him to see the kids and me more, and he kept distancing himself. A very good friend gently told me that I needed to back off and take some time for myself so that is what I did. I’m happy to say that my husband responded to this. He’s started regularly wanting to spend time with the kids and me on the weekends. And for the most part, this is fun, and we enjoy it. But I can not help but notice that my husband seems to have gotten very comfortable with this arrangement. He seems perfectly happy having little responsibility during the week and then playing father and husband on the weekends. He never makes any comments about coming home or stepping up the frequency of the visits. This makes me think that, if I don’t do something and soon, he’s going to be perfectly happy continuing to be the weekend dad and husband so that we will remain separated for goodness knows how long. This really is not acceptable to me. I want to move things along. So I am considering starting to turn him down for the weekend visits and just letting him spend time with the kids. That way, he might see what he is missing. My friends tell me that this is risky, but I feel like if I don’t make a change, we are just going to keep on with the weekend meetings and nothing will change.”

Putting Things In Perspective: I can completely see why you are getting impatient. I know exactly how this feels. But I want to put a few things in perspective for you. I honestly can not stress enough that a good portion of the correspondence that I get comes from wives whose husbands see them very little, at least in the beginning. They may communicate by phone or text sporadically, but as far as face-to-face visits, they aren’t getting many. So it’s important to realize that your situation truly is an advantage that many do not have.

That said, you are right to be concerned that you will just get stuck in a pattern that doesn’t end. But, sometimes, although your husband may be secretly thinking about reconciliation and wanting to come home, he hasn’t yet shared this with you because he just wants to test the waters for a little bit longer to make sure that everything continues to go well. When so much is riding on a reconciliation, people are often reluctant to rush.

Finding A Balance That Allows You To Test: I agree with your friends that there might be a little risk in bowing out as far as the weekends go. But I think that if you are careful and you just use it as a bit of a test, it might give you a little more information. You could try it for one weekend to see what type of reaction you get and then go from there. (And obviously, you know your husband better than myself or your friends so you would be the best one to predict how he might react.)

You might try telling him that you have plans during the next scheduled weekend just to see how he reacts. Try to keep it light. You don’t need to explain that this is part of any strategy or test. Just lightly say that for this upcoming weekend, you have plans but that you know that the kids are looking forward to this one-on-one time with their dad. He may press you and ask you what you are doing, and then it will be up to you to decide what to tell him. I find that it’s usually a bad idea to try to make him jealous because this brings about negative emotions and you don’t want negative emotions associated with you during a separation.

Watch very closely as to how he reacts both before the weekend and after it is over. You may find that he reaches out even more because this made him realize the void that your absence has caused.

Of course, the risk is that he will be perfectly fine with it being just him and the kids, but you won’t know unless you test. You also have to consider that he does have the entire week to miss you before the weekend arrives so you never want to take any strategy too far. I don’t think it hurts to test, but I think that when you do test, you want to watch very closely and reevaluate when something doesn’t go as you planned.

Prioritizing Your Own Self Respect: If you feel the weekend arrangement is not working for you, then you have every right to experiment and see if something else might work better.  And it shows a great deal of self-respect to step back in the hopes that he will show you that same respect.

I did this from time to time during my reconciliation with good results.  But I was always very deliberate with it.  I would pull back and then be open to spending a lot of time together afterward to balance it out.  I watched my husband very closely to see how he reacted each time.  Most of the time, my pulling back had him bringing me closer.  But not always.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: I do get a lot of correspondence from people who are either just beginning a marital separation or those who are going through one but who feel like things just aren’t going right. People often think that they are doing things all wrong. While so much that happens during a separation is unplanned and include reactions to things that your spouse says and does, I believe that there is definitely a way to approach the separation (and a way to act during it) that gives you the greatest chance of success. Every marriage and separation is different, of course. And this is only my opinion, but I believe the suggestions below are sound and likely to help in many cases.

Communication Is Vital But Don’t Overdo It: One of the biggest mistakes that I see is people waiting for the other person to be the one to call, reach out, or check in. Admittedly, sometimes the whole purpose of the separation is to get some space and distance. But that doesn’t mean that it’s a good idea to go weeks or longer without any communication whatsoever with your spouse. Even if you are trying to give one another space, you probably still want to at least check in regularly. And the reason for this is that it doesn’t take long with no communication at all to just assume your spouse doesn’t care.  It’s very common to feel isolated and to get into the habit of being on your own. Once this happens, many people assume that there is no healing their marriage when that might not be the case at all.

Now I admit that I often encourage people to back away when the communication is going so poorly that it is doing more harm than good. I still stand behind this. If every time you and your spouse try to communicate you say nasty things to one another, then, it makes sense to not continue on in the same way to make things worse. But you don’t want to take this too far and completely go silent on your spouse for the long term.

In short, you will have to constantly evaluate. If things are going well, you can keep the same communication schedule or increase it a little. If things are not going well, sometimes it makes sense to give a little more space. But you never want to completely cut off all communication on a long term basis.

Actively Try To Improve Your Relationship As Your Marriage Can Withstand It. Don’t Just Idly Hope For The Best: Counseling can be a wonderful way to ensure that you are trying to strengthen your relationship during the separation. But, this doesn’t always happen because sometimes, one or both people or opposed or resistant to it. And sometimes, things are so volatile that it’s just not feasible.

However, even if you are not doing counseling, you can still make sure that you are actively trying to improve the relationship between you. This might mean that you find and pursue your own marital self-help. It might mean that you just accept that right now, baby steps are appropriate and you just try to improve the way that you communicate and relate to one another. It might mean that you compromise more and criticize less.

However you do it though, the goal is to improve things between you. Now, I know that sometimes your spouse may be resistant to this. But you don’t have to come out and announce it. You can simply make it clear that although you don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring in terms of your marriage, you value your relationship and your spouse enough that you want to be on better terms with them no matter what the future holds.

Don’t Allow The Strain And Stress Of The Unknown To Erode Your Relationship: It’s very common for people to panic and get stressed out during their separation. After all, you no longer know what your spouse is doing. And you can only guess as to what they are feeling and what they really want. These unknowns can sometimes contribute to people assuming the worst. And when that happens, then bad behavior usually follows. This cycle can erode your marriage and decrease your chances for a reconciliation before you know it. I believe that it’s incredibly important to stay positive and upbeat during this time. Not only does it make this process easier, but it is just human nature to want to be around and receptive to people who are positive rather than negative.

As You Are Able, Try To Approach This As An Opportunity: Many people assume that a separation is going to be the worst period of time their marriage has ever seen. Honestly, this isn’t a given. Many couples rediscover each other during this time. Because they miss one another, they are determined not to take one another for granted. They suddenly see their spouse more clearly and in a more positive light. They begin to date again and laugh more.

Don’t close yourself off to this possibility.  Many separations end with a reconciliation.  There is no reason to just assume the worst.  There were many days when I was sure that there was no way my husband and I would ever reconcile.  But very slowly, as I implemented very directed strategies, things got better and we are still married today.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: If you are a wife who is separated and who wants your husband back, you’re likely watching him very closely for signs that he might be wavering on still wanting the separation.  One sign that wives feverishly watch out for is whether or not their husband misses them.  Understandably, they think that this is very important.  Because if he misses them, then he may want to cut the separation short and reconcile.

However, looking for this sign is not as easy as one might think.  Sometimes, husbands try very hard to keep their feelings close to the vest or they posture, in the hopes that you won’t know what they’re truly feeling.  Because of this, some wives become frustrated and so they directly ask their husband if he misses them, and if so, how much.  Sometimes though, the wives have doubt when he answers yes, because although his words indicate that he’s missing his wife, his actions say otherwise.

A wife might explain it this way: “one of my best friends was separated from her husband last year.  They had big issues to overcome and her husband was extremely angry with her.  But once they actually separated, he found that he missed her desperately and so he ended the separation right away.  To me, it appears that if your husband misses you, a lot of the other issues fall away.  So now that I am separated, I desperately want to see some signs that my husband misses me as much as I miss him.  But I am not seeing any signs, to be honest with you.  Every time we talk, I am the one to call him.  Anytime we hug or touch in any way, I am the one who initiates it.  He’s never said ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you’ and when I say those things, he either smiles or nods, but he doesn’t agree with me.  The other day, I was so frustrated with this that I just finally blurted out ‘do you miss me at all?’  My husbands’ response was ‘of course I miss you, but there is a lot going on right now.’ And then he abruptly changed the subject.  I know that I should be relieved by this conversation.  I got the answer that I wanted.  But I’m not. I just got the vibe that I shouldn’t completely believe him.  He’s not a man who acts like he misses his wife.”

I understand why you feel that you absolutely need this information.  I used to watch my husband very closely for the same signs.  And although I never had the courage to come out and ask him if he missed me, I suspect that if he were being honest, his answer at the time would have been no.

And yet, we did eventually reconcile and we are still married today. I think he probably decided he missed me somewhere along the way and kept it to himself.  But our eventual reconciliation moved within his own timeline and not my own.  You can’t force someone to miss you.  And if you try to make it happen in an unnatural or forceful way, you may get the opposite of what you want.

Many Tactics To Make Him Miss You Backfire: I learned the hard way that the tactics I was using previously to inspire him miss me – appearing needy, telling him how much I missed him, and recounting how hard it was for me to manage on my own – accomplished exactly the opposite of what I wanted.  Rather than missing me, he was relieved to be away.

I think that this is a situation where the harder you try, the more you risk getting what you don’t want.  Instead, it’s better to present yourself as the type of person that he would just naturally miss – so much so that you do not need to ask.  For example, if the two of you are regularly having fun and laughing while you are together, then he is just naturally going to miss you when you’re not around.  You won’t have to force the issue and it will feel more genuine to him.

Creating The Atmosphere That Will Make Him Feel The Void When You’re Not Around: I have found that one of the keys to this whole thing is to try to keep things low key and casual.  Because you don’t want for things to feel forced when you are together.  And when you are demanding to know if he misses you and so obviously hanging on his answer, that is not a low key, low pressure situation.  And he is less likely to give you the answer you want.

Frankly, there’s a good chance that he misses you without your needing to press the issue.  Because anytime you are as close as married couples and live so closely together, you are just bound to feel that void when something changes.  It is natural. And it happens without your needing to do much.  Sometimes though, your husband resists these feelings, doesn’t notice them, or he thinks that they don’t matter as much as the issues that are separating you in the first place.

Although your friend said that her husband missing her negated their issues, I suspect that her version isn’t the whole story. Because if you don’t fix the issues, they reappear and cause problems regardless of how much you miss each other.  Missing each other is usually not all that is needed to reconcile, although it is reassuring.

I don’t think that you need to doubt that he is telling you the truth.  He may still have doubts, or he may just want to move slowly.  But it is better to try to control the interactions between you so that he can’t help but miss you than to worry so much about forcing it on him.

Believe me, I learned this the hard way.  The more I pushed my husband during our separation (and demanded answers)  the harder it was for him to relate to me.  We almost divorced because of it. It took a while before the light bulb went off in my head and I changed strategies.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: There are certain sets of words that you never want to hear from your spouse when you are married. “I don’t love you anymore” is one. “It’s over” is another. Many people have no idea how they are supposed to react when they hear these words, especially if they don’t agree with them.

A wife might explain: “last weekend, my husband and I got into a huge fight. During it, my husband told me that he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. I didn’t panic about this quite frankly because I thought he was just saying this in the heat of the moment. And honestly, when we were fighting and saying awful things to one another, I didn’t want to be married to him all that much either. But then a couple of days passed and I saw my husband making a list of apartments at the kitchen table. I asked him what he was doing and he looked at me very serious and said ‘I already told you that it was over. What do you think I’m doing?’ I was stunned and I didn’t say anything. So he asked me what my response was and he said that it made him angry that I just stared at him blankly. Are there any words to use in response to this? I don’t know what to say and frankly, I don’t want to say anything because I don’t agree that it’s over. But if I tell him this, then we’re going to get in a huge fight.”

I completely understand this. I found it very hard to engage with my husband when discussing our separation because I didn’t agree with his thought process or his actions. And when he alluded to the fact that it was over, I was never going to agree with this because it was not over for me.

Turns out, we did eventually reconcile, so my agreeing that it was over would have been a lie. I’m glad I didn’t say it. But over the course of our marriage falling apart and our subsequent separation, I often had to fashion some sort of response.

Sometimes, my emotions got the better of me and I spewed something that I later regretted. But the responses which actually made things better were very deliberate and very measured.

This is only my opinion, but I think that the best responses were non committal and went something like this. “It hurts me to hear you say that and I’m sorry you feel that way. I know that I can’t control your feelings and actions, but I wish that you would reconsider. I feel strongly that we could work it out if given that chance.”

I worded it this way for a reason. This doesn’t sound desperate, which is important. It also doesn’t have a critical tone. You aren’t telling your husband he’s wrong. You aren’t telling him that he is selfish. You aren’t debating his reasoning. You’re simply saying that it makes you sad that he feels this way and you wish that he would reconsider.  He can’t really argue much with that.

It’s also important to note what you are not saying. You are not telling him that you’re going to change his mind or that both of you will be sorry. You’re not making threats or telling him how things are going to be. So, you’re not doing anything that would make him feel defensive or would encourage him to quicken his pace so that he would move out that much sooner.

Instead, you’re showing him that you are calm and approachable and are open to making a change. More importantly, you are laying the groundwork to have access to him if he does move out. This is vitally important if you want to reconcile. Because in order to successfully do that, you will often need access to your husband. And, it certainly helps if you are on good terms with him.

I find it a bit interesting that he is so interested in your response. Could it be that his saying “it’s over” is more meant to get a response out of you than it is to really end your marriage? Sometimes, when people feel that they are not getting the reaction that they want or need, they will just say something meant to get even a negative reaction. That could certainly be the case here.

Still, I would take this very seriously. My not taking my husband’s unhappiness seriously resulted in my being completely unprepared when he left.   You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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By: Leslie Cane: Many times, when a husband says that he is trying to “come to a decision” about his marriage, these are not happy words to his wife. Many times, the wife will do everything in her power to make sure that the husband’s decision is that he is going to remain committed and do whatever is necessary to save his marriage.

But what happens if, just as the wife is formulating her plan, the husband tells her that he wants to leave the home or move out? Why would he say this? And does it mean anything?

A wife might explain it this way: “my husband has been pretty upfront about his happiness. Or maybe I should say lack of happiness. It is not like he came home and out of the blue told me he didn’t want to be married. I knew that he was struggling with our marriage. And I suspected that he thought he might be happier if we ended things. Our problems stem from money. We were actually pretty happy before my husband lost his job about the same time he caught me having a secret credit card where I racked up some debt. My husband was so angry with me that he told me very plainly that he was going to be thinking long and hard about whether he wanted to stay married to me or whether he wanted to move on. A few weeks after this, he ran into an old girlfriend. I believe that this was the tipping point. Here is a man who was already unhappy so now the old girlfriend represents simple times of less stress. I know he is not cheating. He is not that type of person and I’ve checked his phone and there’s nothing incriminating there. I worried that he was romanticizing what life would be like with her while lamenting what life is like for me. Come to find out, I wasn’t out of line with this because last night, my husband said that although he hasn’t yet come to a decision about our marriage, he thinks that he needs to move out in order to have a clear mind. I don’t understand this. It’s not like I bug him or anything. I give him his privacy. I am worried that he wants to move out to pursue the other woman. Because why else would a man need to move out in order to come to a decision about his marriage?”

Reasons Why He May Want To Move Out: I can only speculate. But this situation isn’t all that unusual. Many people do move out for a while when they are trying to decide what to do about their marriage. I can’t speak about this firsthand. Because I was the spouse who desperately wanted to save her marriage, while her husband moved out.

But, I do dialog with a lot of the folks who move out. Many of them feel that they can’t make a sound decision when they have to see their spouse’s reactions to everything that they say or do. They don’t feel that they can really be objective when they have to interact with their spouse every day. They have concerns that their spouse will do things to sway their decision. And ultimately, they would like to come to a decision on their own. They often don’t feel that they can have the objectivity when they are living with you.  So, they think that the best thing is to have some time to themselves for a while.

Now, does this mean that their intentions are always pure? Does this mean that the husband would stay away from the old girlfriend? Not necessarily but there is no way to know this. All you can do is speculate and then try some thing that might change his mind.

What You May Want To Try: I’m sure you’ve already tried to talk him out of this. If not, you might try telling him that you will give him his privacy without him needing to move. Or, if you haven’t already, you can try to offer to be the one to leave yourself. This gives you much more control. If he moves out, then you can’t control when or if he comes back. That’s not true if you are the one to move out.

Of course, no one wants to willingly leave their own home, but it’s better than the alternative of watching your spouse leave and not knowing what is going to happen. Being the one to move out also allows you to keep a closer eye on what is happening.

However, you have to use caution here. You don’t want to get into a situation where he feels he has to move out just to escape debating with you. It’s my opinion that the best thing that you can do is to try to act as upbeat and cooperative as you can while still trying to find a compromise and watching his situation closing. Barring this, then you want to set it up so that you have regular contact with your husband.

And, not every husband who wants to move out does so because he’s planning to cheat or to get a divorce. And even people who plan this sometimes change their minds. It could be that he legitimately believes he needs to the distance to make an objective and sound decision.  And that decision may be just fine in the end.

Honestly, I would have done nearly anything to keep my husband from moving out.  But he did move out, so my strategy had to change.  I eventually found something that worked.  But I would have preferred to avoid him moving out in the first place.  You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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