Leslie Cane Articles

When you are separated from your spouse, you often hope that things will go somewhat smoothly so that you can reconcile as soon as possible. One important piece of this puzzle is being in regular contact with your spouse. But what happens when this communication doesn’t go very smoothly? What if it is awkward and almost painful?

Someone might explain, “I never wanted our separation, so I am very motivated to be in contact with my husband as much as possible. As he is resistant to seeing me every time, I often have to resort to calling him. And when there is nothing between us but the phone and the silence, I find that our conversations are awkward and almost painful. It is almost as if we have run out of things to say to one another. This feels very weird because we are both big talkers. Sometimes, there is dead silence. Last night, I actually got off the phone kind of early because I couldn’t think of anything else to say. So many conversations feel off limits. I want to ask him how he is feeling about me and what comes next. I want to ask him if we will get back together. But I know that we can’t have these conversations. So we just tap dance around everything and I almost don’t want to call because of it. But I know that it’s very important that we talk regularly. How do I improve this situation?”

Why Conversation Might Be Difficult: What you are going through is not at all uncommon. There are a couple of reasons for this. Alot of what couples talk about are shared experiences of their day-to-day existence. When you no longer live together, you no longer have as many experiences to discuss. So that leaves you with the choice of talking about things in the past or talking about things that you have experienced alone. Another issue is that people sometimes do not want to say the wrong things, so they hesitate to say anything at all. This, in turn makes the conversation limited, which feels awkward. You suddenly find yourself hesitating and second guessing yourself, which gives off new feeling of nervousness. All of these things are normal, but they can feel very discouraging and frustrating.

Some Helpful Considerations: One thing that might help is to remind yourself that this is your husband. You know him better than anyone else. You know his likes and dislikes and how he might respond to several different topics of conversation. During my own separation, I found that I truly had to draw on skills that I often used at work when meeting or conversing with new people. Conversation is a skill and we use this skill when we are suddenly in a situation where we have just met someone and have to fill the space. One thing that almost always works is to get someone to talk about themselves. However, when you are separated, sometimes your spouse will be resistant to this because he might think that you are overstepping and fishing for information. Sometimes, you have to be careful not to get too personal. But you can talk about your opinions on current events, your jobs, your extended families, etc. Sometimes, you might have to step back initially and talk to him like you would a friend or coworker – polite conversation that isn’t too probing or personal.

As this lighter conversation begins to go well, you can often gradually get more personal. You can also change things up sometimes. I finally got my husband to semi – regularly meet with me, which alleviated a lot of the awkward phone conversations. Since I knew that I would see him soon, I didn’t feel as pressured to tap dance for every phone conversation leading up to it. I knew that we’d have a chance to get more in depth later so I kept the conversations leading up this short. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with short, upbeat conversations sometimes. That, to me, is better than awkward long conversations that feel like pulling teeth and that make you hesitate to call the next time.

It’s very important that you both look forward to interacting. So if you need to have shorter and lighter conversations to make that happen at times, I truly think that this can be ok. Sometimes, you have to take baby steps. At things improve between you, then you can have the longer and more difficult conversations. But you don’t need to attempt that until things are going better.

For now, just try to keep things light. Don’t put too much pressure on the situation. Tell yourself that you know this person and have talked to him for many years. Things feel different now because your situation is difficult and different. But, if you can put that aside just for a while and focus on the two of you as familiar people, you might find that things flow a little easier. Don’t feel like every conversation has to be deep and meaningful. Sometimes, you just need to quickly check in and leave things alone so that you will both look forward to, (rather than dread,) the next conversation. Sometimes, short is better. And then you can slowly work up to the more meaningful conversations and hopefully to more face-to-face meetings.

I hope this helps.  It’s normal that you’re not talking each other’s ears off right now.  Just keep it regular and shorter if you need to.  Many people find that in time, things improve.  My improvement was a long time coming because I made many mistakes.  However, despite this, I did save my marriage eventually.  You can read more at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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