Leslie Cane Articles

by: Leslie Cane: I often hear from people who are quite upset that the spark, passion, or chemistry is gone from their marriage.  Many of them want to maintain or save the marriage, but they aren’t sure if this is going to be possible.  I often hear comments like this one: “I finally have to admit that the chemistry is gone from my marriage.  It seems like there’s no longer a spark or passion between us.  It isn’t as if we’re fighting or having serious issues.  It’s just that the electricity isn’t there anymore.  When we do have sex, it’s like we’re only mechanically going through the motions.  Things are starting to happen that have never happened before – like my having dreams about an ex or me actually looking appreciatively at other men.  A year ago, this would have never been possible.   We’ve never had any issues with chemistry.   We need to get it back because we have two kids and I would never want to put them through a divorce or separation.  Besides, I truly love my husband.  I want my marriage to work, but lately, I just don’t feel any chemistry at all.  While my brain and heart seem to love him, my body does not.  What can I do about this? Once the chemistry is gone, is there any way to get it back?”

I know that some will disagree with me, but I know from my own experience (and that of many others) that you can get the chemistry back in your marriage.  It often won’t happen just because you want it to or if you either ignore it and hope for the best or push so hard that things become even more awkward.  You usually have to find that happy middle between taking action and not overreacting so much that you make things worse.  I will discuss how to do that in the following article.

Determine Which Emotional Or Other Factors Lead Up To The Loss Of Chemistry: Again, I know that I might meet some resistance when I say this, but I know it to be true.  Most of the time, what happens with our bodies and its reaction begins in our brains.  If things aren’t right with our marriage on an emotional level, then things aren’t going to be right on a physical level.  Sometimes when I explain this though,  I’m met with confusion or even doubt.  I will sometimes hear comments like: “but my husband is a wonderful person.  I love him.  It’s really not that there’s anything wrong with my marriage.  He’s kind and treats me with respect and there’s no huge or central issues.  It’s just that the chemistry is gone.”

I would argue that it often isn’t quite as simple as that.  While I agree that you can see a loss of chemistry even in good and very solid marriages, I would also say that by definition, this same loss of chemistry could most definitely be defined as an issue or problem – even if no one is at fault and even when no one has done anything wrong or hurtful to the other.

Instead, it’s often a symptom of a shift of thought process or priorities in the marriage.  One or both people begin to get comfortable.  One or both people place their focus on their children, their jobs, or other issues that need and demand their attention.  And, there is nothing wrong with this.  It’s often required of us, but not adjusting or compensating where our marriage is concerned can lead to the a loss of intimacy and a cooling off of that chemistry, especially over time.

This certainly doesn’t mean that you no longer love your spouse.  It doesn’t even mean a loss of attraction or a physical bond, although it can most certainly feel that way.  What it means is that you haven’t kept the flames fanned and so, you are naturally feeling the result of cooling off.  Many people will mistakenly think that this cooling off means that they’ve “fallen out of love with” their spouse or that they married the wrong person because the chemistry eventually faded.  None of these things have to be true.

Instead, what has happened is that you are going through a phase that many married couples go through.  Complacency disguised as necessity has damaged the emotional connection in your marriage which in turn has affected the physical aspect of it.  I’m not saying that you’re no longer emotionally connected to your spouse or that you don’t feel emotions or love toward them.  You can feel all of these things and yet still lack chemistry because of complacency or neglect.  So, can this be fixed?  And if so, how?

How To Get The Chemistry Back In Your Marriage: As I’ve alluded to, I know that it’s possible to do this, but I also have to disclose that it usually takes a good deal of effort and a good deal of time.  Many couples try to rush the process by trying to force it.  And when this doesn’t work, they take that as a sign that the chemistry is gone for good and sometimes they turn their attention on how to escape the marriage instead of how to fix it.  This is definitely not what you usually want.

Before you make any attempts to address the physical aspects of your marriage that make up the chemistry, address the emotional aspects first, as well as the time that you are putting into it.  So many couples will try to spice things up in the bedroom or force a long trip together without first setting it up so that they are just spending more low pressure time together.   This can add a lot of awkwardness to an already difficult situation.  You often have much better results if you ease your way by first trying to improve your emotional connection.

This is as simple as spending more uninterrupted, low pressure time together really talking and listening to one another and connecting without worrying about chemistry or physical interactions in the beginning.  Just focus on talking, listening, laughing,  and interacting in the way that you used to.  Hold hands.  Casually touch.  But don’t do anything that feels fake or forced.

Once you feel that you are emotionally connected again, then you can focus on the physical aspects of your relationship.  It’s true that you get better at something the more time you spend on it.  So, if you want the physical aspect of your relationship to be better, then you have to spend more time on it.  I’m not asking you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable or that feels in genuine.  You don’t have to swing from the chandeliers or force yourself to engage in something that feels foreign.  But, I am suggesting that you take what is already working and build upon that.

Couples often find that if they just spend more time being physical with one another in a very genuine and non forced way (since they’ve been focusing on emotions as well) this alone will provide a good deal of relief in the chemistry department.  So that over time, a lack of chemistry will no longer be an issue for you.

A lack of chemistry as one thing that my husband cited when he told me he wanted a separation.  I didn’t feel that anything was wrong in that department, but I eventually learned that both people need to feel chemistry in order for the marriage to be satisfying to both.  At first, I tried to force this, but it actually made things worse.  Eventually, I learned that virtuously every aspect of your marriage can affect how you feel physically.   And this was the beginning of my turning things around.  Chemistry is no longer a problem for us and our marriage is back on solid ground.  If it helps, you can read more about that process on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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