Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: When my husband and I just weren’t clicking and were on the verge of separation, it seemed that anything that I said (even when I meant to say something nice or agreeable) was turned and twisted so that my husband would interpret it as my saying something sarcastic or mean. This got even worse once we actually separated. And I know that I am not alone in this. I hear from a lot of folks who describe the same thing and who do not know how to stop it.

Someone might say: “I don’t know how to characterize what my husband and I are going through. He has moved in with his mom. His excuse is that his mom just had surgery and she needs him, but I believe he is staying there just to have a break from me. I asked him if he considered us separated and his answer was ‘not yet. Right now we are just on a break.’ The main reason that we were not doing so well in our marriage is because my husband insists on twisting anything I say to make it look as if I am complaining or trying to engage him when I’m not. For example, he has friends who live up north who will always want to come down and stay with us for free. They basically plan their vacation around our free accommodations. At first it didn’t bother me, but over the years, it has started to really get on my nerves. They come down and almost expect us to cater to them when we are not on vacation and we still have obligations. A couple of weeks ago, my husband mentioned that they were not coming down this year because of their elderly parents. I responded that this was understandable, as we are all getting to the age where we have to care for our parents. I honestly did not say what I was thinking – that it will be nice not to have to put them up for free for once. But my husband twisted it all around and said that I never liked them and I never welcomed them. Then, he got on a roll and said that I do not like any of his friends and think I’m better than every one else. This is just one example, but there are many. I can commit that something we are about to buy is expensive or is a hit to our budget and my husband will respond with ‘are you saying I don’t earn enough money?’ I can tell my husband that I woke up tired because I had a fluke night of bad sleep and he will ask if our marriage stresses me out so that I am not sleeping. Honestly, it does not matter what I say. He is going to turn it around to start a fight and to make me seem like the bad guy.”

I do know what you are saying. This is very common when your marriage starts to deteriorate. Because both people are frustrated, they tend to give this frustration right back to the other. And sometimes, it comes out in the form that you see here – him trying to twist your words and perhaps start a fight.

When this happened in my own marriage, I handled it pretty badly initially. I would play right into my husband’s hand – getting mad at an alarming rate and asking why he insisted on twisting everything around. But I finally realized that this was not getting me anywhere. One day I was flipping around on the TV and I saw a program where a psychologist was advising couples to practice something called “mirroring.” And it was meant to address the very issue I was going through.

In mirroring, when you feel the conversation start to go off track, you begin to repeat back what your spouse has said (in your own words) to see if you are reading it right.

For example, let’s say my husband was angry and made an offbeat and hurtful comment like: “I’m sick of just staying home. We never go anywhere. It gets boring and depressing.” Now, my inclination might be to say something like: “well sometimes I am tired and I want to recharge and maybe save some money for once.” But in order to avoid a fight and to make my husband feel heard, what I should say is something like: “let me see if I am hearing you correctly. It sounds like you are saying that you’re feeling a little restless because you want to go out and have some fun but because I am tired, you are feeling like you never get what you want. Do I have that right?” If he says no, then I’d ask him how I misinterpreted it. If he says yes, then the next step would be trying something like: “well, I am not sure that I would be great company tonight because I am exhausted, but if you are willing to wait until tomorrow night, I think we can have a good time then. Is that acceptable?”

Do you see how you go from making sure you understand each other to then compromising? I know that this might seem unnatural at first, but it does work. And it is so much better than feeling the frustration of having your words twisted and then being tempted to just shut down altogether. It does take practice and determination. And you will often have to model it for your husband before he catches on. But once he sees that it means that you both feel heard and that you avoid problems this way, you might be surprised at how quickly he gets with the program. This takes time to become a habit, but it is the most effective thing I’ve found to avoid your spouse twisting what you have said.

Even though my husband and I have long reconciled, I still use mirroring today when I sense that either of us really needs to be heard. You can read more on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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