Leslie Cane Articles

I often advocate trying to get a husband who wants a separation to carry this out under the same roof. In other words, I advocate giving one another “space” while no one moves out. This ensures that you will continue to have access to your spouse, which is very important if you want to eventually reconcile. I do realize that this situation is not always easy. In fact, I’ve heard from couples who find this situation intolerable at times. Below, I’ll go over some tips that will hopefully make life a bit easier.

First, here is what I mean. A wife might describe a situation like this one: “My husband has been whining about separating for some time. In fact, a couple of months ago, he was looking for an apartment. However, the coronavirus has meant that both of us have had our work hours slashed. Therefore, we cannot afford to support two separate households. So my husband announced that we would be having an “in house separation.” He explained that he was moving to our guest room and that we would be living our lives separately while sharing the same space. At first, I thought that I had landed a victory because I never wanted to live alone or to end my marriage. But these living arrangements have been no picnic. I envisioned that we would still be interacting as we both tend to be homebodies. But my husband makes himself scarce as often as possible. He has been eating out most of the time. If I catch him watching TV, I will try to sit down and watch with him and sometimes he allows this, but he disconnects at the first opportunity. It is really heartbreaking to be in such close proximity to my husband but to be so distant. Last night we actually had a few laughs together, but this morning he acted as if nothing had happened. I really hate living this way, but I don’t know if we have any alternative.”

I know that this is difficult, but I can tell you as someone who lived apart during her own separation that living under two roofs is also no picnic. I always had to worry about what my husband was doing or if he was okay. If I called to ask, he would be annoyed with me because he thought that I wasn’t giving him his space. So, to keep from alienating him even more, I was very often in the dark as to what was going on with him, which was its own form of torture. I worried that he would or had met someone else. I worried about his health and wellbeing, even though my own were negatively affected. I worried that he was already “moving on,” but I wouldn’t know it since we rarely spoke or saw each other, especially at first before I had any real plan. It took me way too long to get my mind right and I wasted precious time. So, here is some perspective for couples having an “in house separation” due to the coronavirus or any other reason.

Understand How Much Worse It Could Be: I alluded to it before, but I hear from many wives who never hear from or see their separated husbands. I also hear from wives whose husbands are quite cruel and distant. I know that you aren’t getting the affection or attention that you want from your husband right now, but you do know what and how he is doing. You can put eyes on him and you are even having positive experiences with him, although this is admittedly rare. This gives you something, however small, with which to build. Sure, it may take longer than you would like. You may have more awkward and painful encounters before you make needed progress, but at least you can see and interact with him. And, if you play this correctly, you have a chance to take baby steps toward an improved marriage and an eventual reconciliation. Yes, sometimes you have to tread gradually and carefully, but you still have access to him, which is a huge advantage that not all wives get.

The coronavirus is stressing us all. I try to remind myself that as long as my family is healthy, I can worry about all the rest later. I have had days where I have lost it or have felt overwhelmed. I think that all of us have. Try to remind yourself that the days during these trials will be harder because of the added pressure that we are all under. Possibly, neither you nor your husband may be at your best right now, so don’t be so hard on yourself. Know that you may tread water for a little while until life returns to normal.

Seize Any Positive Moment You Get: In the meantime, savor and embrace those small victories, like you had last night. Be honest with your husband. Tell him that spending time with him lifted your spirits and that you need more of that about now. He may surprise you and willingly spend more time with you in the days that come. Take every opportunity that you can to build on your small successes. Take advantage of your access, but be respectful of his space. Some days, this is easier said than done and it is a delicate balancing act to get it right.

But that doesn’t mean that you should stop trying. Hang in there. Better days may be ahead. During the worst phase of my separation, I was sure that we would divorce. But here we are, still married. Part of the reason is that I never gave up and I eventually meticulously followed a workable plan. You can read more about that here: http://isavedmymarriage.com

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