Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: Ideally, a marriage is seen as a time when a loving couple can start a new life together. Most people see it as an exciting “new beginning” where a fresh future is laid out just for two. This is the ideal. But it doesn’t always happen this way in the eyes of everyone. Sometimes, one or both of the spouses have “a past” and some folks just don’t want to let it go. Some people have a hard time believing in change.

There are times when the wife has “the past” and times when it is the husband. Here are a couple of examples. Regarding a husband, someone might explain: “I will be my husband’s third marriage and my family does not approve of this. They say that my husband’s track record is horrible. They say that clearly he does not treat his wives with respect and can’t have a healthy relationship. They are bothered that he already has children. I am trying to make them understand that his first marriage occurred when he was young and few people have the mental capacity that is required for marriage at that age. The second marriage was a tough break up. But both parties were at fault – not just my husband. At this point, my husband is a middle aged man who has learned many life lessons. He will take those things into our marriage. But my family refuses to give him that chance. They act as if he is not good enough for me.  And their disapproval has been hard on us.”

You get similar types of reactions when it is the wife with the past. Here is an example. A husband might say: “my wife was involved with an abusive man who lead her astray when she was young. She took drugs and even spent a short amount of time in jail. I blame this completely on the man, as she hasn’t exhibited any of this behavior once their relationship was over. She has completely changed. She is more morally strict than I am. She never lies. She always does the right thing. She has a stable job and goes to church every Sunday. She is well thought-of in the community now. But my family and my friends always want to remind me of her past. They do not trust or respect her. And it is really hurting our marriage because my wife gets angry and defensive with the way that they treat her and then she takes it out on me.”

I can imagine how frustrating it must be to never feel as if you will be able to escape something that happened so long ago. It’s really not fair. If a person with past marriages has truly changed and is being a respectful, loving spouse in a solid marriage, then he should be given the opportunity to be judged on his current marriage.

Understanding The Skepticism:  Here is the problem. People tend to believe (and statistics tend to support) the fact that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. People do tend to repeat certain patterns. This is not to say that people can not and do not change. We all know that they can and they do. But society tends to view this change with skepticism.

Striking The Balance: However, this societal skepticism doesn’t mean that it has to affect the way that you treat your spouse and the way that you allow others to treat him or her. It’s important that you safeguard and protect your marriage as best as you can. At the same time, you do not want to start a war with your extended family because that can put stress on your marriage as well.

Much of the time, once your spouse proves themselves to your family and friends, the clinging to the past will die down. Often, the concern is based on their love for you. They are protective because they do not want to see you get hurt. Once they believe that your spouse has changed and is not going to hurt you, then they should back off.

Bringing It Out In The Open: If they do not back down, sometimes you need to have a frank but respectful and loving discussion about this. You might try: “I know that you are acting out of concern for me and that this is done out of love. But frankly, your reaction to my spouse hurts me more than my spouse’s behavior or past ever has. My spouse has been nothing but loving and supportive to me. Our marriage is a good one. You do not need to worry. Please have enough respect for me to also respect my spouse. I know that you want me to be happy, but I feel unhappy when you are critical of my spouse. The past is exactly that – the past. I am very excited about my future. And I want to be able to enjoy it without being constantly reminded about something that didn’t even involve me. We are moving forward. We don’t live in the past. And we don’t care to be constantly reminded about it. I am asking you to respect this moving forward. Let’s focus on today. Because today, I am very happy and I want to share that with my family and friends.”

Most people will certainly get the hint after this conversation. If they continue to drift back to the past, gently remind them that you’re looking ahead. Over time, they will hopefully see that you have no interest in their visits to the past. If you don’t dwell in the past, no one can force you back there.

Safeguarding The Future: Of course, if the past is hurting your marriage because your spouse hasn’t left it behind, then you may want to consider counseling so that your spouse can truly turn the page.  It’s not fair to you and it gives your marriage a hurdle that it shouldn’t have. Statistically speaking, each new marriage has worse odds of success than the marriage before it.  But, plenty of couples in their second, third, or even later marriages make it.  But they often do so by changing something or learning new relationship skills.

And I know that change is possible.  After our separation, my husband and I both had to make some changes in order to save our marriage.  We have maintained those changes because we have been determined to do so.  There’s more to that story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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