Leslie Cane Articles

By: Leslie Cane: I sometimes hear from folks who feel strongly that their spouse is only seeking a separation because they are going through such a stressful or painful time. They often feel that if they could just erase the stress or the pain, then their marriage would be relatively fine.

Common comments are things like: “my husband informed me last night that he wants a separation. But honestly, this isn’t like him. I know that he says he wants a separation, but I feel like he is just acting like this because of all of the stress in his life and because he is taking a lot of his problems out on me. My husband was downsized out of his job eight months ago. We have struggled financially since that time. I have had to take on a lot of extra responsibilities at work in order to bring home more money and in order to have more job security. This has been very hard on my husband’s self esteem. We are now at the point where he needs to take any job that is offered to him, although I know that he doesn’t want to do this. The other night, someone called from my work to offer me a lot of overtime over the weekend. I was exhausted, but I said over the phone that I would take the hours because we desperately need the money since my husband still hasn’t found a job even though he’s had eight months to do so. My husband over heard this conversation and was so hurt by it. Soon after that, he told me that he wanted a separation. I feel that the two are obviously connected and I told my husband this. I told him that it was obvious that he was hurting and that he shouldn’t push me away. He said that he feels that we need a break from one another and that maybe my life would be easier if I didn’t have to carry him financially. Doesn’t he realize that I am going to have to pay living expenses regardless of whether I am living with him or not? It’s not like he is saving me money by wanting to move out. Sure, he can stay with family for free, but I still have a house payment to make. How can I show him that he is only acting out because of  his pain?”

This was a tough situation, but it is a very common one. And I agree that the husband was probably motivated by his hurt pride and the hit to his self esteem. But frankly, just informing him of the same isn’t all that likely to convince him that you are right. After all, who wants to hear that they are wrong when they are already struggling? I believe that you will probably have a better chance of success if you offer him some compromises and then try to build him up rather than pointing out where and why he is wrong. I will offer some tips on how to do that below.

Appear To Be Very Cooperative Rather Than Argumentative. He Needs To Believe That You Are On His Side: I know that it is probably very tempting to tell him where his thinking is flawed or to say that it is obvious that this is only his pain talking. But when you do that, you risk him becoming very defensive and wanting to prove his point even more. So it is very important that he believes that you have his back on this and that you just want to help him. As easy as it might be to point out where he is wrong, resist this urge. Instead, make it very clear that you hear what he is saying and that you want to help.

So a suggested response might be something like: “well I am very sorry to hear that. We are both under a great deal of stress right now. And I wish that we could be each other’s soft place to fall. I want for you to know that I am here for you. And I honestly don’t want for you to leave. If you need some time for yourself, then I can give you that without your needing to leave. I can stay in the spare room or I can stay with friends. But us separating isn’t going to alleviate our stress or solve our financial problems. I love you and I want to support you. So I will try to support you in whatever choice you make, but I don’t want for you to feel as if your leaving benefits me or lightens my load because it doesn’t. Knowing that I have you and our family makes this stressful situation more bearable for me instead of less. I know that things will eventually improve. And we are doing just fine. Yes, our marriage is under stress because of our circumstances but the core of marriage is still the same. We still love one another. I hope that we can band together rather than being pulled apart.”

Hopefully, this conversation could set the stage for the husband calming down and realizing that his wife truly did have his back and that he was mostly responding to a stressful situation rather than anything that was wrong with this marriage.

My husband initiated a separation during a stressful time in our lives.  I tried to point out that the stress was causing his unhappiness, but this only made things worse.  I had to change strategies a couple of times in order to get him home.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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