Leslie Cane Articles

By Leslie Cane: Many people feel as if their spouse transformed after a notable event in their marriage. For many people, this is the birth of their children. For others, it is another stressor or challenge. Regardless, I often hear men lament that their wives became more controlling and less attentive after having kids, while wives will say that their husbands became less involved. Many wives complain about their husbands withdrawing and then about feeling “shut out” as a result.

There may be a situation like this one.  A wife could say, “I will admit that our house can be chaotic after school and around dinner time. We have small children. So there is really no rest for us when we come home from work or school. I’m struggling to get dinner on the table. Then there is homework, bathtime, and trying to get everything organized before we all fall into bed. It can be quite stressful, but I feel as if I am doing it alone. My husband will basically retreat by playing video games and watching TV. He withdraws into his mindless activity and leaves me to it in regards to the kids. If I ask for help or try to get him involved, he acts as if I am nagging him. These are his children, too. This is his marriage, too, but it’s as if he is determined that it’s going to be all up to me. If I had known that he would just shut down on me like this, I do not think that I would have married him. What’s the point? It is like I am single anyway. Why do men shut down like this after the kids are born? He acted like he wanted to be part of a big family, but now I feel as if he is just part of the furniture.”

Often, Both Spouses Feel Excluded: I know that this must be frustrating. But your complaint is quite common. Child rearing can be very stressful for both husbands and wives. To show this from another perspective, many men tell another variation on this. While the wife feels as if she is shut out, the husbands often feel as if they are pushed out. The husband will often tell you that his wife has no time for him anymore. It is all about the children. He will often say that the wife and kids are their own tribe and he is by himself in no man’s land. It’s sad when you think about it. Both spouse’s feel excluded. Luckily, we are dealing with miscommunication that can be fixed. Because once the husband feels like a needed, included, and useful part of family life, you will hopefully see much less of this troublesome behavior.

Seeing It From Another Perspective: Many husbands in this situation admit to feeling less than competent when it comes to their children. When they are being open and honest, they will say things like, “my wife is so much better at this than I am. I don’t know what to do with the kids when they cry or get out of control. My wife gets mad at me, but there’s really nothing that I can do to make the situation better, so I just try to stay out of everyone’s way. In my mind, this is my way of helping. But in her mind, I just don’t care.”

Frame This With A Quid Pro Quo: Once you can see this from his point of view, it is easier to craft a plan that is going to bring him back into the fray. First of all, he needs to understand that you WANT him actively involved. He needs to know that his retreat doesn’t make your life any easier. And, he needs to know that you want to include him. Since you are asking something of him, realize that you will need to give him something in return in order to gain his enthusiasm. The easiest thing to offer is more of yourself. Since husbands in this situation often feel that their wife doesn’t have enough time for him, your first step should be to correct this.

More Couple Time Means Improved Family Time: If you can give your husband even slightly more one-on-one couple time, you will often see him be more involved and enthusiastic during family time. Why? Because he feels like your partner again. When you make a small effort to show him that he is also your priority, you show him that the two of you are in this together. Once this happens, he is much less likely to zone out on you or shut you out.

Spell It Out For Him: It is unrealistic for you to ask him to abruptly give up his video games or the other escapism he uses during hectic nights. In truth, we all engage in some escapism. It’s just that women and men have different forms of it. However, this doesn’t mean that he can just retreat without making any effort or meeting you halfway. So when you’re struggling to get everything done while he’s in front of the television, don’t just let this slide and allow the resentment to brew.

Instead, try something like, “honey, I know that you are in the middle of a game, but can you help me once it’s done? If I had thirty minutes of your time, it would make our night so much easier. We’re all in this together and I could really use your help.” Then when he does log off and helps you, make sure you praise him. An “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” is so much more effective than “it’s about time.” A little praise will make him want to help you. And he can play the hero rather than the villain.

Make It Clear That He Has A Family Role That Only He Can Fill: Encourage the kids to depend on him. He can help with homework too. He can run a bath also. Men often do not help because they don’t feel competent and therefore, they just expect to be excluded. Make it clear that not only is he not excluded, but you all want and expect him to play an active role. Find things that he does well and make it clear that this is his job. If he is busy being super-involved in your family life, he will not have as much time for video games.

Spouses who retreat and shut themselves out often do so because they mistakenly feel that they aren’t valuable or needed. They also are often punishing you a little because they feel that you haven’t made them a priority. (This may be untrue, but it is the way that they see things.) All of these things can be fixed. And once they are, you will often see him involved in couple and family life again.

Things got so bad in my own marital situation that my husband and I separated.  Don’t make my mistakes.  Don’t let this happen to you.  Fix the problem now.  You can read about how I reconciled my own marriage at http://isavedmymarriage.com

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